Great advice! I am beginning my journey and I feel very level headed about my expectations. I have low expectations of perfections and I feel like that has helped me a lot. We have dated for 3 years and already gone through so much, that I feel like we have seen how we work with the kids together. BUT, the big BUT, we have never all lived under the sames roof. So that is where it will all start a BIG change and adjustment.
I can not thank you enough for making this video. The advice of being supporting role to the parent/child rather than competing to be that role has changed my perspective completley. Im so sick of feeling this resentment and anger
Love your channel! I am really struggling with my stepson who is 6. Quick backstory: I just had a baby girl and my husband and I have a very long history together, with a 5 year break (hence the stepson). I find myself hopeless sometimes, no matter how hard I try (I work very hard on being emotionally healthy and showing up for him), I still feel so much grief that I have to accommodate a kid that isn’t mine and I often find that when he comes over, I don’t feel as comfortable in my own house, it’s like we are navigating him and his moods and needs at all times, which I don’t have the capacity for (I don’t think), because I don’t have that cellular-level unconditional love and bond one has with their own child. I need to know it gets better 🥺
Ooooh… I know exactly how you feel. That last part you mentioned, you don’t have that “cellular level unconditional love”. You hit that right on the head. That’s the best way to say it. It’s been over 17 years for me and I’ve come a long way with my step daughter (she’s now 21). I’ve SOOOO been where you are and thought I’d never make it. Somehow, we did and she’s a great kid. My suggestion to you is, just keep doing what you do and love as much as you. Even if it’s only 10% on some days. Just keep trying and don’t give up. Because one day your 6 year old will be a 21 year and remember all that you did for him and how you showed up even when every bone in your body said you were done. Like Jamie says, the relationship you have with your step children are different. It has to be but he doesn’t need to know that. All he’ll know is how his step-mama stepped up. You got this sis. Keep your head up and you will make it to other side. Aloha, from Hawaii ❤️🌺
I know i used to I feel guilt for saying... “my stepchild has a mom, I don’t have to make up for anything.” But now I don’t, it’s true, she does have a mom and my role is not to replace her or act as her. Plus I hardly ever agree with her ways.
Great advice ! I'm 3.5 years in and we have been married almost a year. I know you are talking to Step Moms thinking this way ... My experience is the opposite - the kids Mom seems to be way more concerned with my roll in the exact two points you make in this video. She insists on making sure the kids know I'm not their Mom - I never tried to be - I have my own kids and I have always told them I'm their Mom - But i'm more like the Aunt/friend. I'm sure once I finish watching all your videos you have some advice on this - I agree with you - it's just the opposite happening in my situation - Their Mom just can't understand we're on the same team and I'm just a bonus parent who cares about her kids.
Never been interested in competing, taking on the "mom" role, the term stepmom has such a negative connotation. Im an adult in their lives and hopefully, I'll have some positive influence, but most importantly, it is critical not to lose yourself.
I had step kids with my ex for almost 5 years and my now step son I have had for almost a decade since he just turned 3. Idk why any woman would think they are "mom" when the childrens real mothers are in they're in their lives. The child should be the one to decide what they refer to you as and when. Also you're not their mom, you're a bonus mom. As far as the parents getting final say, yes that's 100% always going to be the case hands down. But remember YOU GET TO SET YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES AS WELL! Do the best you can and be kind to and empathetic of the child. My advice however would honestly be RUN AWAY!
@@Yoshi14300 It is/can be so hard. My first expiration was hard. His ex wife was REALLY mean to me. His kids were however amazing. He also would stand up for me when his ex wife was mean to me. 1 day she was especially mean to me for something and made me cry. He got angry with her and told her how much i did for the kids and loved them and that she owed me an apology. She actually agreed and we ended up becoming somewhat friends and things were pretty good after that. When we broke up I told myself Id NEVER date a guy with kids ever again. (I am still friends with him and his ex and see the kids and him out and about on occasion) Then my dumb a§§ went and fell in love with a guy who has a son. It has been HELL, H.E.L.L. Like, traumatizing. I literally have CPTSD from it. My step son has Oppositional defiance disorder which is now conduct disorder. Words can't describe the horror that kids put me through. I know it sounds like I am awful. But this kids been arrested multiple times. Was involved in a stabbing a few months ago. Has stolen SO MANY things from me. Destroyed my house. Is manipulative and emotionally abusive, he has told me he is trying to get my son taken from me. He lies like it is his full time job. The list is endless. He needs professional help. He was kicked out of his moms house and she just pretends he doesn't exist. She is the worst. She is the route of most of his issues. She is mean and vile towards me. His dad pretends his problems are "normal" teen behavior. He's 13 😑 How many 13 yr olds do you know who have felony charges against them? I did everything I could for this kid for 10 yrs. But I couldn't be the only parent trying to help him. I was seeing 2 therapists and a psychiatrist at 1 point and they all told me that I was under way too much stress and pressure and to stop parenting him at all. Leave it up to his parents. The situation ruined my life. I'm FINALY healing since about a month and a half ago I couldn't take it anymore after he went through my purse, found my LEGALLY prescribed anxiety meds (he didn't take them thank god) but said he was going to tell everyone I was a drug addict. He also took audio of me crying through my bedroom door and said it was me hitting myself?? Then sent it to my friend who was like wtf? He lives a min down the road with his papa, who kicked him out fo4 a week after he stole a couple hundred bucks from him. I told his dad he wasn't coming back here and to bring him to his moms which is 5 mins down the road, as she hasn't seen him in over a yr. Also doesnt pay any child support. Of course he lied and said he didn't take the money. And his dad believed him. *eye roll* He slept in the car with him for that week. HOPE he learned his lesson from sleeping in the car for 5 days, but he WAS NOT coming back here. He NEEDS to deal with the consequences of his actions. And he is too toxic to be here. I can't. Some may think I'm awful, let them. People who know me and the situation wonder how I didn't kick him out sooner. I love kids, I love him, but I don't like him and I can't have him in my house or life. His dad splits time between papa's and here. I had to put my and my sons emotional wellbeing and safety first. Also that's only the tip of the iceberg of all that has happened. So I may be a little biased, but RUN!
@@Aw-ns1qx wow that sounds way worse than what I'm going through. But no matter which one is worse or better we are still hurting and going through rough situations. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I hope everything is better for you! This life isn't the end there is hell and heaven..... I would like to share the good news of Christ Jesus with you... We are all sinners we all fall short of the glory of God. But thanks be to God he gave his only son Jesus Christ to save us from our sins and death. Jesus was beaten and crucified on the cross. Jesus Christ died for 3 days on the 3rd day he rose. Now he is seated at the right hand of God in heaven. If you repent of your sins and put your faith and trust in Jesus Christ you may be saved and may be forgiven of your sins. Today is the day of salvation tomorrow might be too late. God bless you!
Hi Jamie I'm watching this videos because I have a step mom that sort of anors me. and so I thought it might give me an answer on why she was doing this. Please please make a video on why a step mom could be anoring a step daughter
What if their mom doesn’t treat them right and takes a passive role in their life and then when you try to fill in the gaps so the kids have a positive experience with a motherly figure, then she tries to one up you? What if it’s the other way around?
I have a step son and we try to make it simple easy I don’t complete with his mother what I tell my step son you have 2 families different rules and that’s it
What about if the kids bio mom is hit or miss and not hardly in their lives? I basically fill the role without giving birth to them. All of their appts, school stuff, everything. Their bio mom is very neglectful and the only thing she really does is bring them gifts when she does visit.
Hi, I've just discovered your channel and absolutely love it..Thank you.. Do you have advice to step parenting 2 girls who's Mum has passed away? I have in-laws of my partner being awful, threatening and Toxic people simple having their say when its not warranted? Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated.........
If they’re toxic, your partner needs to decide to have no contact with them. It’ll probably only get worse if he tries to maintain a relationship under their conditions or demands. Grandparents are not the child’s legal parent or guardian, so they aren’t *required* to be in child’s life. Life isn’t ideal, and I’m sure this arrangement would be worth it for everyone’s peace and sanity.
Actually, I’m pretty surprised at their behavior. Normally grandparents cater to the parent, in order to have visits with grandchildren .. ‘cause those can be taken away.
@@stickerlady1774 Just like how a stepmom or whatever is also NOT the legal parent/ guardian of the child either soooo.... And the grandparents at least have more relativity than the Stranger step parent anyway sooooo.. ya
I feel like some of the themes you go through here apply to living with your in-laws too in the south asian community, and can apply to the MIL-DIL dynamic.
Both of your pieces of advice are for a family where the original parent is still involved, what about when the mother isn’t around or has passed away.
My partner and I aren't married but he has an amazing beautiful 5year old. I recognise that I am NOT her mum. I'm not trying to BE her mother. I'm trying to be a role model. I want to build the bond with her properly, and I know I won't ever BE her mum, and I'm not after that 😅
My step boys ( 12 & 10) no longer have their mother , she passed away in a car accident when the boys were only ( 7& 6) So how do i be a mother figure , without trying to be their mum........ I have my own 2 kids a boy & girl ( 12 & 6 ) my son is the older. Its super hard to balance the dinamics
Hi! I need advice ASAP ! I’m planning to marry this beautiful man, he has 3 kids 9,6 and 5 year olds. A month ago we were talking about the possibility of having a joying bank account, what throw me off was that he said that he would take out (from our bank account) for his kids cars, colleges, healthcare etc etc ... he said that he found it fair because if I’m marrying him, I am taking his kids as well and that is a full deal package. What I find unfair is that I’m 30 years old entrepreneur no kids and I have always take care of not having babies because I knew how much responsibility they were. And now I have to pay for his? FYI they still have a mother and grand parents and he pays child support.
Then why date/ marry a man with multiple children and end up surprised when he wants to do for the children in ways you never wanted or agree with?Honest question?
That's such a negative way to talk about the ex. Shows insecurity. She and the Father both have 50% fault in everything that happened between them. It's also not their fault you didn't come first.
Great advice! I am beginning my journey and I feel very level headed about my expectations. I have low expectations of perfections and I feel like that has helped me a lot. We have dated for 3 years and already gone through so much, that I feel like we have seen how we work with the kids together. BUT, the big BUT, we have never all lived under the sames roof. So that is where it will all start a BIG change and adjustment.
I don’t want to be a stepmom, but I think your an awesome stepmom. My mind open more to being a stepmom now
hi new to community thank you for having this platform
I can not thank you enough for making this video. The advice of being supporting role to the parent/child rather than competing to be that role has changed my perspective completley. Im so sick of feeling this resentment and anger
Love your channel! I am really struggling with my stepson who is 6. Quick backstory: I just had a baby girl and my husband and I have a very long history together, with a 5 year break (hence the stepson). I find myself hopeless sometimes, no matter how hard I try (I work very hard on being emotionally healthy and showing up for him), I still feel so much grief that I have to accommodate a kid that isn’t mine and I often find that when he comes over, I don’t feel as comfortable in my own house, it’s like we are navigating him and his moods and needs at all times, which I don’t have the capacity for (I don’t think), because I don’t have that cellular-level unconditional love and bond one has with their own child. I need to know it gets better 🥺
Ooooh… I know exactly how you feel. That last part you mentioned, you don’t have that “cellular level unconditional love”. You hit that right on the head. That’s the best way to say it. It’s been over 17 years for me and I’ve come a long way with my step daughter (she’s now 21). I’ve SOOOO been where you are and thought I’d never make it. Somehow, we did and she’s a great kid. My suggestion to you is, just keep doing what you do and love as much as you. Even if it’s only 10% on some days. Just keep trying and don’t give up. Because one day your 6 year old will be a 21 year and remember all that you did for him and how you showed up even when every bone in your body said you were done. Like Jamie says, the relationship you have with your step children are different. It has to be but he doesn’t need to know that. All he’ll know is how his step-mama stepped up. You got this sis. Keep your head up and you will make it to other side. Aloha, from Hawaii ❤️🌺
Thank you. So true. I have a real problem as a dad with a new wife.
I know i used to I feel guilt for saying... “my stepchild has a mom, I don’t have to make up for anything.” But now I don’t, it’s true, she does have a mom and my role is not to replace her or act as her. Plus I hardly ever agree with her ways.
Great content as always. But The shaky camera is distracting
Great advice ! I'm 3.5 years in and we have been married almost a year. I know you are talking to Step Moms thinking this way ... My experience is the opposite - the kids Mom seems to be way more concerned with my roll in the exact two points you make in this video. She insists on making sure the kids know I'm not their Mom - I never tried to be - I have my own kids and I have always told them I'm their Mom - But i'm more like the Aunt/friend. I'm sure once I finish watching all your videos you have some advice on this - I agree with you - it's just the opposite happening in my situation - Their Mom just can't understand we're on the same team and I'm just a bonus parent who cares about her kids.
Thank you for this great video ! So insightful.
Is this still applicable when there is no coparenting, and the mom isn’t involved much 🙆🏾♀️
Excellent as always!
I had a diff situation the mom was MIA had to be everything to everyone and not at same time.
Never been interested in competing, taking on the "mom" role, the term stepmom has such a negative connotation. Im an adult in their lives and hopefully, I'll have some positive influence, but most importantly, it is critical not to lose yourself.
If it's not a competition then why is it wrong for a child to say he has two amazing mom's: a mom and a step mom?
Summary at 4:35
I had step kids with my ex for almost 5 years and my now step son I have had for almost a decade since he just turned 3.
Idk why any woman would think they are "mom" when the childrens real mothers are in they're in their lives.
The child should be the one to decide what they refer to you as and when.
Also you're not their mom, you're a bonus mom.
As far as the parents getting final say, yes that's 100% always going to be the case hands down. But remember YOU GET TO SET YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES AS WELL!
Do the best you can and be kind to and empathetic of the child.
My advice however would honestly be RUN AWAY!
Why would your finally advice be run away? I'm just curious:)
@@Yoshi14300 It is/can be so hard. My first expiration was hard. His ex wife was REALLY mean to me. His kids were however amazing. He also would stand up for me when his ex wife was mean to me.
1 day she was especially mean to me for something and made me cry. He got angry with her and told her how much i did for the kids and loved them and that she owed me an apology.
She actually agreed and we ended up becoming somewhat friends and things were pretty good after that.
When we broke up I told myself Id NEVER date a guy with kids ever again. (I am still friends with him and his ex and see the kids and him out and about on occasion)
Then my dumb a§§ went and fell in love with a guy who has a son. It has been HELL, H.E.L.L. Like, traumatizing. I literally have CPTSD from it.
My step son has Oppositional defiance disorder which is now conduct disorder. Words can't describe the horror that kids put me through.
I know it sounds like I am awful. But this kids been arrested multiple times. Was involved in a stabbing a few months ago. Has stolen SO MANY things from me. Destroyed my house. Is manipulative and emotionally abusive, he has told me he is trying to get my son taken from me. He lies like it is his full time job. The list is endless. He needs professional help.
He was kicked out of his moms house and she just pretends he doesn't exist. She is the worst. She is the route of most of his issues. She is mean and vile towards me. His dad pretends his problems are "normal" teen behavior.
He's 13 😑 How many 13 yr olds do you know who have felony charges against them?
I did everything I could for this kid for 10 yrs. But I couldn't be the only parent trying to help him. I was seeing 2 therapists and a psychiatrist at 1 point and they all told me that I was under way too much stress and pressure and to stop parenting him at all. Leave it up to his parents.
The situation ruined my life. I'm FINALY healing since about a month and a half ago I couldn't take it anymore after he went through my purse, found my LEGALLY prescribed anxiety meds (he didn't take them thank god) but said he was going to tell everyone I was a drug addict. He also took audio of me crying through my bedroom door and said it was me hitting myself?? Then sent it to my friend who was like wtf?
He lives a min down the road with his papa, who kicked him out fo4 a week after he stole a couple hundred bucks from him. I told his dad he wasn't coming back here and to bring him to his moms which is 5 mins down the road, as she hasn't seen him in over a yr. Also doesnt pay any child support.
Of course he lied and said he didn't take the money. And his dad believed him. *eye roll*
He slept in the car with him for that week. HOPE he learned his lesson from sleeping in the car for 5 days, but he WAS NOT coming back here.
He NEEDS to deal with the consequences of his actions. And he is too toxic to be here. I can't. Some may think I'm awful, let them. People who know me and the situation wonder how I didn't kick him out sooner. I love kids, I love him, but I don't like him and I can't have him in my house or life.
His dad splits time between papa's and here. I had to put my and my sons emotional wellbeing and safety first.
Also that's only the tip of the iceberg of all that has happened.
So I may be a little biased, but RUN!
@@Aw-ns1qx wow that sounds way worse than what I'm going through. But no matter which one is worse or better we are still hurting and going through rough situations. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I hope everything is better for you! This life isn't the end there is hell and heaven..... I would like to share the good news of Christ Jesus with you... We are all sinners we all fall short of the glory of God. But thanks be to God he gave his only son Jesus Christ to save us from our sins and death. Jesus was beaten and crucified on the cross. Jesus Christ died for 3 days on the 3rd day he rose. Now he is seated at the right hand of God in heaven. If you repent of your sins and put your faith and trust in Jesus Christ you may be saved and may be forgiven of your sins. Today is the day of salvation tomorrow might be too late. God bless you!
I’m a stepmom. I’ve been a stepmom for 28 years. My roll is to help. To assist.
Thank you for the tips. 💗
The first year of being a step mom was it hard for you? Because it's so hard and hurtful for me
Hi Jamie I'm watching this videos because I have a step mom that sort of anors me. and so I thought it might give me an answer on why she was doing this. Please please make a video on why a step mom could be anoring a step daughter
What is the meaning of “anors”?
What if their mom doesn’t treat them right and takes a passive role in their life and then when you try to fill in the gaps so the kids have a positive experience with a motherly figure, then she tries to one up you? What if it’s the other way around?
Don’t put more into your SK than you get out of it leaving you resentful. Block BM ignore ignore ignore.
This was my situation…. For years. It wore me down.
I have a step son and we try to make it simple easy I don’t complete with his mother what I tell my step son you have 2 families different rules and that’s it
What about if the kids bio mom is hit or miss and not hardly in their lives? I basically fill the role without giving birth to them. All of their appts, school stuff, everything. Their bio mom is very neglectful and the only thing she really does is bring them gifts when she does visit.
Hi, I've just discovered your channel and absolutely love it..Thank you.. Do you have advice to step parenting 2 girls who's Mum has passed away? I have in-laws of my partner being awful, threatening and Toxic people simple having their say when its not warranted? Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated.........
If they’re toxic, your partner needs to decide to have no contact with them. It’ll probably only get worse if he tries to maintain a relationship under their conditions or demands. Grandparents are not the child’s legal parent or guardian, so they aren’t *required* to be in child’s life. Life isn’t ideal, and I’m sure this arrangement would be worth it for everyone’s peace and sanity.
Actually, I’m pretty surprised at their behavior. Normally grandparents cater to the parent, in order to have visits with grandchildren .. ‘cause those can be taken away.
@@stickerlady1774 Just like how a stepmom or whatever is also NOT the legal parent/ guardian of the child either soooo.... And the grandparents at least have more relativity than the Stranger step parent anyway sooooo.. ya
@@stickerlady1774 At least the grandparents aren't considered the "Stranger" like the stepmom is.
I feel like some of the themes you go through here apply to living with your in-laws too in the south asian community, and can apply to the MIL-DIL dynamic.
Both of your pieces of advice are for a family where the original parent is still involved, what about when the mother isn’t around or has passed away.
You’re blessed.
My partner and I aren't married but he has an amazing beautiful 5year old. I recognise that I am NOT her mum. I'm not trying to BE her mother. I'm trying to be a role model. I want to build the bond with her properly, and I know I won't ever BE her mum, and I'm not after that 😅
My step boys ( 12 & 10) no longer have their mother , she passed away in a car accident when the boys were only ( 7& 6)
So how do i be a mother figure , without trying to be their mum........
I have my own 2 kids a boy & girl ( 12 & 6 ) my son is the older.
Its super hard to balance the dinamics
See yourself as an aunt.
Hi! I need advice ASAP ! I’m planning to marry this beautiful man, he has 3 kids 9,6 and 5 year olds. A month ago we were talking about the possibility of having a joying bank account, what throw me off was that he said that he would take out (from our bank account) for his kids cars, colleges, healthcare etc etc ... he said that he found it fair because if I’m marrying him, I am taking his kids as well and that is a full deal package. What I find unfair is that I’m 30 years old entrepreneur no kids and I have always take care of not having babies because I knew how much responsibility they were. And now I have to pay for his? FYI they still have a mother and grand parents and he pays child support.
Keep accounts separate, Honey.
Don't do it
Then why date/ marry a man with multiple children and end up surprised when he wants to do for the children in ways you never wanted or agree with?Honest question?
@@honeypot8524 Exactly!, Like?! Don't sign up for it if you don't want the responsibility, it's that damn simple!
I hope you didn’t do it.
That's funny, I don't have to compete with my bf's kids mom, I'm already way better lol. Just because I didn't have a kid before I was ready...lol
That's such a negative way to talk about the ex. Shows insecurity. She and the Father both have 50% fault in everything that happened between them. It's also not their fault you didn't come first.
Hopefully a year later youre his wife and not his girlfriend.
@@munmuns74 💯!