Jupiter Ascending - Nostalgia Critic
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- Опубликовано: 19 окт 2024
- You know Wachowskis…COME ON! The Nostalgia Critic reviews 2015's sci-fi bomb, Jupiter Ascending.
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So everyone is ignoring the fact that Tatum is a half man half wolf who lost his.....wings?
He must really like Red Bull
Yes. Wolf wings. The wings that normal wolves have.
He has more in common with a dog than a human, and that's why he has wings.
Remember Petwings from Saito games?
What, you mean your dogs can't fly? Psh, loser.
Makes me think of Marchosias in The Lesser Key of Solomon, and that's a problematic book to think about.
Jupiter Jones would actually sound kinda cool as the name of a cartoon character. "The Galactic Adventures of Jupiter Jones"
thats what they should ve called this movie
It sounds good as an alias but not a real name.
To me, Jupiter Jones sounds like a cat name. So why would she love dogs?
*Grumpy Oldman*
That's probably because of Jones from Alien.
I would watch the hell out of that!
Wait, she put the maxi pad wrong! she put the part with glue touching the wound. How can a woman not know about that stuff?
It must be a sign of how little she really cared about the role by the time they filmed that scene. "Oh, shit! The pad's backwards...Aw, fuck it! Not like anyone's going to see this movie anyway."
they should used a tampon...
You know what's funny? The military basically made "Bullet Tampons." Which is exactly what you might think they are. Just a tampon you put in a bullet wound to stop excessive bleeding.
Don't they have this quick clot powder now? idk, maybe they use what you mentioned in conjunction with the quick clot.
because shes never used one before
A Feminist tale about a woman who does nothing meaningful, gets kidnapped constantly and orders a bunch of men to kill and get killed by other men for her benefit.
Real powerful character there.
Probably would've work better if she was the villain.
*cocks shotgun*
and really tends to the feminazi mind too.
I hate when “true love” is part of a woman’s epic destiny when it is NEVER mentioned in any epic destinies for guys. Women can aspire to be more than someone else’s significant other.
To be fair it sounds like the perfect feminist fantasy, zero effort and all payoff, it really speaks to the cultural marxist mindset behind feminism.
"I love dogs, I've always loved dogs"
"This is a new breed of dumb"
Was that pun intended?
Atzyock *ba dum tss*
I read this comment as soon as he said it...
It's an internet review. Of COURSE it was intended.
"Technically speaking, I'm an alien." "Shut up, Meg." *likes*
I scrolled upon this while he said that. Though it really means nothing that made my next 15 minutes. 😃
Well to be fair, Jupiter isn't that bad a name. She could have been named Uranus
That stinks.
*badum tish*
Goodnight everybody
Autobot Productions I think we managed to get to the Butt of the joke here
RobAndTheChaps Yes, it's all behind us now.
shush, your starting to Crack me up
"We do not discriminate against the Wachowskis for anything except that they made Jupiter Ascending." - Such a great line!
Yeah, that intro about proper representation and especially that disclaimer made me laugh a lot. :-D Nostalgia Critic usually somewhat avoids the woke/antiwoke topics and arguments, and although this poke at the "proper representation" madness was relatively subtle (compared to the insanity flying around the net when it comes to these topics), it was really funny.
And in all fairness, Hollywood in general just cannot seem to write compelling female characters. We got Ripley and Beatrix Kiddo and that other woman from Prometheus.. and a couple others but damn… more often than not they’re weak af
So you have this girl who finds out she's queen of the Earth... yet you name her after the wrong planet. Terra might sound a bit cliche, but I would've taken that name more seriously than Jupiter Jones.
+Auklet Basicly the same premise as in Sailor Moon.
not to mention that SOUNDS like a girl's name. Jupiter is better suited to being a title or rank
+Angelus Only, Sailor Moon actually did shit.
Antonio SCENDRATE GATTICO :) No argument here.
+Auklet Terra Jones actually sounds pretty cool
I love how Channing Tatum, the guy who agreed to be in the Step Up series, refused to promote this film. That says more than any words could.
Mila Kunis was once asked to describe the plot of this film; she couldn't.
Because it’s a 170 million dollar fetish film...
Channing was better in She's the man. His character, Duke, was clumsy and shy which makes him likable. It was funny to see him asked a girl is hse likes cheese, seeing him helping Viola was adorable. He's a really nice guy! In Jupiter ascending, Channing is a strong guy who has a ship and that's it. Not very interresting or charming :S
I don’t want people saying one stupid word about his gambit performance in the Deadpool and Wolverine movie. This film was a major downgrade compared to that. Gambit was 500 steps upward from this performance. Ugh. 🤦🏼
"I CREATE LIFE!" is what I should say whenever my teacher tells me my animation is terrible
"and i can destroy it." is what he says when burning the animation.
If I ever have kids that's how I'm going to announce the pregnancy.
LOL, I was just about to say that!
OOOOMG DEAD IM GONNA SAY THIS NOW XD
I should say this when im cooking
Eddie Redmayne got a well-deserved Razzie for this movie, thus entering the elite leage of actors who received both an Oscar and a Razzie during their career.
Michael keaton should've won that oscar (for Birdman), not bitchy eddie
Well, Eddie Redmayne was pretty good in fantastic beasts
John Striker Eddie Redmayne is a fantastic actor, but yeah I agree, Keaton deserved it instead.
@@johnstriker480 do you know for what role Eddie Redmayne won the Oscar for? Stephen Hawking.
It's still hard to believe there is such a legion. Well I cansee it exist but it's still hard to believe
I can't believe they ripped off my 12 year old sister's fanfiction.
Radio Sparks was it a self insert fanfic
Maybe you could sue
@@thatonequietkid2453 of course it was.
copystrike?!?
Add that to the Side-pot
uhhhhh...she might wanna wanna flip that maxipad over if she wants to use it an extremely bizarre yet correct and useful way
I know right, that shit was so stupid!
+PeachesforMe Okay, obnoxious transphobia aside, Lana wasn't the one in the scene. The woman who was should at least have known better.
I thought that too
Like, you want it to get the blood, so you put a fucking strap of glue that will just hurt/open the wound later?
Way to fucking go girl
+Nexis siempreaqui And because it's so absorbent, it actually doesn't help the wound clot and stop bleeding.
I know right? Even the men in the prop department should have noticed which side is supposed to come in contact with skin by simply examining it.
That "bees are designed to recognize royalty" line is probably one of the dumbest, most nonsensical movie lines that has ever been written by someone who isn't David "I know you're Batman because you smile like an orphan" Goyer.
I mean, it *could* work in a fantasy setting of sorts...
actually it this kind of stuff really works. I put a Dung Beadle near this movie and The Shawshank Redemption and the bug went strait for Jupiter Ascending because they are designed to recognize crap
well they have a queen
That's an arbitrary criticism.
@@AXharoth I mean, that's just our title for them though. They aren't actually royal. Plus their bees and she's human.
"I love dogs. I've always loved dogs."
I'm surprised that there wasn't a bestiality joke made at that point.
They practically could've with no questions asked if they were allowed to.
Yeah, especially since you could easily have her say something like “We can still be close in mind; this doesn’t have to be about children.”
@UCRJbGvgpCbzip3k70MftMqQ Yeah, no. We're not starting this war.
Keep your bigotry and vitriolic bile in your head where it belongs.
@@joshuaseagondollar2495 i take it whoever you were arguing with either deleted their comment or their channel, from the sound of things i say good riddance either way.
That was the bestiality joke right there.
"The higher the screams, THE HIGHER THE PAYCHEQUE!"
Has Malcolm ever seriously considered voice acting? I've noticed in lot's of other videos, but he's got a really great voice for it.
Your wish came true
@@INoahGuy1 Ooh, what’s he in?
@@DuelaDent52 This independent animated project called the Lackadaisy Cats.
He is into voice acting and he also does some for Black Sands entertainment and their Kids to Kings series.
"I am destined for great things, and to find the one true love of my life."
What a vague, shitty destiny. ANYONE can find their true love, and "great things" could literally mean anything.
Next sequel: "Saturn Descending"; then: "Uranus expanding"; then: "Neptune Contracting"; then "Pluto Undecided" and finally: "Nibiru Revenant".
“Uranus Expanding”
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
We've decided on Pluto. It's not a planet.
@@skyblade7438 that pisses me off
@@gregorymirabella1423 to bad
this comment should be the highlight lmao
"BELLA IS MAKING FUN OF YOU"
Man... That's harsh even for this movie...
So this is why Jessica Jones doesn't talk to her sister...
Darkling276 How about Indiana Jones
She doesn't since she married Roger Rabbit.
Luciana Vila Guillen and she has a son called Peter Parker
But none of the Joneses like to talk about what happened to their great-aunt Justine.
Look it up, kids.
What about Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones?
I love watching Doug's face turn red as he yells then slowly fade back to white when he calms down
Sophia Goodman-Merel it is very musing lol
It's pretty cute
Kinda like the Hulk.
One time it turned straight up purple but that’s when he was holding in laughter.
You think Jupiter Jones sounds dumb? What about *TASERFACE?!*
At least the only person who takes Taserface seriously is Taserface.
Bronson Ferrigno Yeah and I don't see how Jones is a stupid last name. It's really common.
Bronson Ferrigno yeah, but that was the hole idea with his name
What was her second choice, Ur-anus?
what about FRANCIS
So bees can sense royalty
So does that mean that Nicholas cage is a king
Well, he does have a pyramid to get buried in when he dies.
Always has been
@@DrDolan2000 It is known.
“Even Bella is making fun of you.BELLA”😂😂😂
That Line Kills Me Everytime!! 😂😂😂
Yeah, even Bella doesn't have the right to make fun of anyone.
@@legoking6165 Yeah....still doing it anyway.
That's a new low...
the wachowskis should make games, honestly,
exposition, worldbuilding, giant setpeices, and action, all work much better in games
it can work in movies but its easier in games
***** Yeah, it's not like games don't have already amazing stories and good characters... fuck me, le'ts drown all video gaming in shit!
Brandon Roberts You mean: make Indigo Prophecy 2?
***** Didn't they have a hand in Matrix Online? I don't remember anymore why it failed, but it wasn't very popular.
DeeGeeFi MMO's are reaaly hard to get off the ground
***** I was thinking that during the review, but even the part where the hero destroys the entire kingdom singlehandedly still wouldn't work out in a video game..
FILM THEORY: Jupiter Jones is the future cousin of Pluto Nash.
But hey, that’s just a theory, a Film Theory! And cut.
I'm waiting for their sister Uranus Barb.
PLUTO NASH - I was trying to think of that when I heard Jupiter Jones
Uh hey can I get a ticket to see Pluto Nash in 3D? Get the reference?
And Pluto Nash's Father is *Cypher Rage*
when he yell "GO!!!" i think he was talking to the audience, like go away, it's your last chance!
We completely misinterpreted him
My dad cracked me up with this movie. He watched it almost everyday for a month claiming it was the greatest movie ever made. I kept telling him though, "No dad, this movie is awe full. everything is awe full." But he refused to listen to me. Then one day, I came up stairs for breakfast and my dad gave me this series face like something terrible had happened. I was like "What?" My dad looked down at the counter and spoke in a solemn voice, "Jupiter Ascending is ...a terrible movie." I tried so hard not to laugh and replied, "Um, yeah. I know welcome to the party every one has been waiting for you."
Apparently, he kept falling asleep throughout the movie. Skipping most of the dialogue until he decided to watch the movie early morning. HA, oh man, he really use to love that movie.
midevilgirl to be honest the best kind of film is the one that grants you a good sleep
midevilgirl poor dad xD
@Christopher Simon And 13th Warrior is *still* a better version of Beowulf than either of the Beowulf movies.
Christopher Simon How many times can you watch a movie without actually seeing it?
@@KnakuanaRka More than you know
I met a woman named April Flood. took every ounce of willpower not to start giggling.
I hope she brings her sister, May Flowers.
April flood. that sounds like Cook Poo for me (you know which reference i am making)
Hahahahahaha!!!!!!
April's parents should have had pity and not named her April Flood. Yikes.
My last name is King. My parents almost named me Storm King, which sounds badass as hell. They ended up changing it because Storm King happened to be a villain in a series they started reading. So yeah.
Wait, if she's the reincarnation of her mother, does that mean that she gave birth to herself?
Oh wait nevermind. It was so boring I got confused and actually had to go back to re-watch that part.
AwesomeSpider4 same, also do you what Sailor Jupiter is?
Christian Escandon a Sailor Scout? I never watched that show.
AwesomeSpider4 What show?
Sailor Moon. The critic reviewed.
That "I love dogs" line made me experience "I hate sand" again.
Somehow, it was even worse.
I hate sand, is a GIFT.
Though i despise the Star Wars prequels (especially attack of the clones) i gotta admit, this was even worse
Hey, at least the sand one was memeable
The worst part is we have no idea whether she means it as A: They are cute, and I see you as a person so who cares?
Or B: I am soo into beastiality just mentioning dogs made me wet
Jupiter Jones the Janitor.
Jesus.
And a Mary Sue in my opinion!
Alliteration
i swar, this mvie was supposed to be a self-aware comedy, when hey went all "empereor's new groove" ad they paused and mocked the movie .it would have been so much better tht way
Swiper X Mary sue complaints are always bullshit anyway so that's not a critisism
How is she a Mary Sue if she's totally useless, does nothing and just constantly gets kidnapped? Isn't that the opposite of a Mary Sue?
"And you're name madam?"
"Intu"
"Intu what?"
"Uranus"
"HOW DARE YOU!?"
Kryptic Studios Corp *your
@@luizfelipevbf5567 Ur
*your
I can't stop laughing at the fact Critic is unable to find enough insults
I laughed at that and how he said "Stop the film" when he couldn't take the name Juniper Jones seriously so he replaced it with Duck Dodgers
"I have more in common with a dog than I have with you."
...Greatest pick-up line ever?
The villain should team up with Zod. Then there's no doubt that THEY WILL FIND HIM!
Keva the Half-Kestora best comment ever
I was thinking the same!!
Nate J. With Randy Newman writing a song about it!
And Shamalan adding a complicated story with an expected or contrived twist for that song and immediately getting $100 million dollars.
Keva the Half-Kestora With Snyder's 3D enhancements
This movie can be summed up in 3 words. "Shut up Meg"
thetony458 or shut up everyone
I thought it was "I CREATE LIFE!!!"
That actually makes too much sense. It sounds like Meg from Family Guy went on a Sci-Fi bender and made a self-insert Sci-Fi story, and Peter wanted her to stop her from reading the full thing in the middle.
"What can I say Peter... It isn't (can't beat), Empire."
Was there someone named Meg in this or is it just a family guy reference
As a side note, womens toiletries (Tampons/pads) are meant to be absorbent of blood. I've heard several stories of lives being saved because it's something to staunch the wound (usually at car accident scenes).
Probably the one 'logical' thing in this movie, as awkward as it is.
Shame she didn't put the absorbent side on the wound, but the side with the adhesive.
Lady ButtocksToot I noticed that XDD It ruins the logic of it, but if she held it the right way, it would've been well done.
Commissar_Dan*Presses enter a lot to hopefully make a read more even though the adhesive side isn't the gross bit*
Think it just sits in the panties with no problem? No lol, it's just to keep it attached to the underwear.
the funny thing is, that sanitary pads were originally used as adhesive bandages for injured soldiers during the first world war. The nurses attending the soldiers found the pads to be ideal for their sanitary needs as a nice little coincidence.
Fool! Don't point out the Logic O_O! Don't you know every time you say something the Wichowski's did right, they get closer to finishing their next movie-?!
Wichowski: We'd like to announce to our public we're filming a sequel to this film; Marry Mars!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
“I CREATE LIFE!”
I actually laughed so hard when I first saw this film.
She didn't even use the pad right, pretty sure the sticky part didn't absorb blood...
When the movie can't even get one thing right.
"OK, this part's the sticky side, so the blood will stick to it! Genius!"
ShadeSlayer1911 Not to mention the actress; how would a woman of her age not know how a maxi pad works?
I think, just a wild guess, that she was trying to use the glue as a way to close up the wound a bit.
To be fair, Mila Kunis has a team following her around to take care of such trivial nonsense as her time of the month
I just want a scene where Jupiter doesn't know what is going on and she starts running away from the bees that start to follow her. Sean Bean and Channing Tatum then bow to her because she is the queen and do nothing to save her as she runs around screaming in the garden = would have made the movie a classic : )
This would have been more in character than what they actually put in the movie
It also would have made sense with the bees as well since when bees sense a new queen nearby, the queens usually fight to the death.
Don't know which name is worse: Jupiter Jones or Cypher Rage....
Cypher Raige is laughably bad, Jupiter Jones is just stupid.
+tominatorxx Now, people give their kids stupid names
+tominatorxx CYPHER RAGEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
+tominatorxx Jupiter Jones sounds like a Jessica Jones reboot or rip-off. Cypher Rage sounds like a Mega-Man villain.
+tominatorxx I'm voting Cypher Rage.
"Create characters, make them relatable, put them through a jorney that will change who they are by the end of it"... followed by a picture of Daenerys Targaryen...
Boy talk about hilarious in hindsight.
The first Star Wars Trilogy did EXACTLY THIS, with Luke Skwalker.
The Star Wars ONLY did the first and third.
The Star Wars (Sequel) Trilogy (at first) did do all three but IMMEDIATELY cast them aside when making the last two.
I love that look Sean Bean makes when he says the bees line, like 'what the fuck am I doing in this movie'
Grumpycat ‘i got killed off by an inbred bastard just to wind up in this piece of shit.
Reminds me of the look he gives in Silent Hill: Revelation (2012), when he realizes he's about to watch Carrie-Anne Moss and Kit Harington fight over whether or not his adopted daughter is evil while strapped down by his wrists and sitting in the crotch area of a demonic god statue. In a movie whose once-male director has *also* since come out as a trans woman. 😉
Sean it is so they can kill you off later.
I cannot BELIEVE this came out two years ago.
Actually, I can't believe this came out at all
Surprisingly enough, I'd rather watch Twilight over this. Bleh. That's how bad this movie is. Bella Swan is a more compelling character than perpetual damsel in distress.
its a Masterpiece
@@ShadeSlayer1911 Twilight had beautiful scenery and the music choices were quite good.
2015 was 4 days ago, when the sequel triology wasn't a desastre.
Jupiter Jones' name could have been even worse. It called have been something like Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way.
Clove Clover Hahahahaha, yeah. But I don't know if My Immortal is worst story than Jupiter Ascending.
@@helixcrown7429 My Immortal is bad, like REALLY bad. But it strangely has a charm that makes it So Bad, It's Good. Jupiter Ascending was just a clusterfuck.
Thank you for reviving my trauma.
"I'm destined for great things and will find the true love of my life"
Wait this is a real movie?? It's not a Twilight parody or something??
Even Twilight parodies are better than this
The first Twilight parody (Vampires Suck) was more coherent and charming than this shit, and the characters were actually better looking than the canon counterparts, the girl didn't have a mannish jaw, the vampire was actually hot and the wolf didn't look like an alpaca.
In reference to the maxi pad scene...
I have a friend who is terrified of blood and one day he got a bloody nose and it was really bad. He was in the bathroom freaking out and his sister ran in and said "Don't worry Brother I will save you!" and shoved tampons in his nostrils. The bleeding subsided after a few minutes and he didn't faint so those tampons helped out A LOT.
if this movie had been a self awre comedy like Spaceballs
Someone saw She's the Man. Nice!
Awww, she sounds nice. I would probably freak out, then laugh and only then I would help my brother.
OseiBayard3h If I remember correctly. Most of the criticism for that scene wasn’t for the fact she was using a maxi pad as a bandaid. But because she was using the wrong side of it. Also cool.
Yeah they're actually ideal for broken nose because they hold open nasal passages, significantly decreasing the chance you'll need a nose job.
It's still bizarre she'd use the sticky side of the pad...
So......bees can recognize royal people? So if the Queen of England walked by a beehive, the bees would follow her around, too?
What I was thinking lmao
RPGFreak901 I so want that to be true. I can just imagine the queen leading armies of bees into battle
Bees, my god
Also, you better not listen to any Rock and Roll.
RPGFreak901 so Macaulay Culkin is a king?
RPGFreak901 I have never been stung by a bee, wasps and hornets, yes, but wasps and hornets are evil SOBs
Eddie Redmayne's performance was almost genius in its stupidity... That made no sense...
Lol, I would watch this movie just for Eddie Redmayne's batshit crazy performance.
Do you think the Oscars do take backs?
Bryan Rue Well, that's why he got Academy Award, no?
Sezune Mizuhana Exactly! It's like taking Al Pacino's Oscar away just because he was in Jack & Jill (I hate even writing the name of that movie).
Bryan Rue Yup. Just hearing that title makes me wanna puke.
Jupiter Ascending
Mercury Rising
Why are all the planets going up?
Which way even IS up in space?
@@masterofthelag8414 there isn't
Get ready for Uranus Elevating!
They're not. They're getting high to bear the stupidity
Here is a better question why does this movie exist
When i hear her name is "Jupiter" i get reminded of that girl in Lady In The Water called "Story".
Seriously how the fuck do you actually think it's a good idea to name someone like that.
At least Story was some weird mystical creature, so you could at least use that as an excuse for her dumb name. No such luck with Jupiter Jones.
Also, she's an alligory, so she has a legitamate reason to be named that.(I said legitamate, not good)
Jupiter is the Roman equivalent of Zeus, so it's not even a feminine name. At least something like Venus or Hera would have been slightly more believable in that regard.
Lol theres a girl on my street named Story
FuzzyPickles42 oh hey its perry
During a AMA on Reddit someone asked "Hey Channing what was Jupiter Acending?" And Channing responds and I fucking quote "I seriously don't know what is was thinking when I said yes to that movie."
You Tube nope, that isn't what he said at all. He was asked "Jupiter Ascending? What was that?" and replied "Great question. I have the same one to myself."
That quote could sum up not just this movie, but many others as well.
so what is the true...
I think we all know what he was thinking.
"This will be my matrix"
9:47
Hey Eddie Redmayne, what's your favorite Netflix show?
GLOW!!!
Hey Eddie Redmayne, what kind of bird is that?
CROW!!!
Hey Eddie Redmayne, what's the name the actor who plays Chris in Parks and Rec? It was Rob .. something...
LOWE!!!
Hey Eddie, I've got these oars, but what do I do with them?
ROW!!!
Eddie, how fast is a Zamboni?
SLOW!!!
Hey, do you wan't pineapples on your pizza?
NO!!!
Now that's friggin funny!
Hey Eddie Redmayne, what drug are you on that makes you shout so much?
BLOW!
Hey Eddie, what's the name of the main character in Kung Fu Panda?
PO!
Hey eddie what's the name of the body part on the end of your foot? TOE!!!!
Eddie, how do you propel a kayak?
*ROW!*
Why is it that a story about a rocket riding space cowgirl named Jupiter Jones sounds really interesting
Yeah! That could make for a cool series on Cartoon Network.
And she's herding SPACE COWS! .... Actually I'd watch something like that
So, like if Roxy Rocket was based off of Buck Rogers or Flash Gordon? Actually, that's be cool, especially if Joan Jett got the Runaways back together to make the theme song.
I'm actually interested by that concept. A sci-fi western about a space cowgirl who heard space cattle from planet to planet and must deal with space outlaws.
acctually if your born on the ocean you take on the nationality of your parents. So no she never was technically an alien.
yeah she was, in AMERICA
In legal terms it is called 'Ius Sanguinus' or 'Right of the Blood'. The other system used to give somebody a nationality is 'Ius Soli' or 'Right of the Ground', this is the system used in the US and probably why the Wachowki's assumed she would be an alien I guess?
But the USA doesn't use ius soli, at least not exclusively. Children of American citizens born overseas are still citizens.
Wait, Jupiter Jones is the reincarnation of her mother? So, she's like Steven Universe, minus the charm.
Yeah, actually this is like a gritty Steven Universe without the charm. The kidnappers are the diamonds, the mom was killed by one of them, etc etc
P.Z. Arnott
Yellow diamond: my sister taught me.
Steven: by killing her?
Yellow diamond:...I CREATE LIFE!
Plus lapis and peridot who are some how not a romantic couple have better chemistry than jupiter and cain who are supposed to be in love.
Rory Lumley
Every two characters in steven universe have better chemistry than Jupiter and Cain.
Even Steven and Kevin are more convincing friends than Jupiter and Cain.
So exactly like Steven Universe.
its so...dissappointing how the CONCEPT of this movie was a good idea! They tried to mix Star Wars and Game of Thrones, but what would be a good trilogy was crammed into one single movie with a ton of boring exposition and silly dialogue passing up as serious information. I'd take the idea of an intergalactic family heir to the entire earth as human life is transformed into eternal youth business with each heir going at their throats for it anytime!
MrKlausbaudelaire Yea it also looked awesome too
N
Ergotth it’s like DBGT. Good ideas. Terribly executed.
Just read Dune then.
they should have written a book then, more freedom to do as they please, and they could easily used a pen name to sell it to a big publisher.
Why don't people talk about this movie like they do Twilight and 50 shades?
It's the same thing!!! I'm convinced the protag is supposed to be a blank slate for women to fantasize as.
She was a nobody who found out she was actually "royalty", most men in the universe (or "verse") are interested in her, including a half dog (dare I say "werewolf") man who keeps taking his shirt off. She also seems to be written as an awkward character whose hobbies include being kidnapped and having her marriages crashed regularly.
I haven't watched this one in a long time and I have never watched Twilight nor 50 shades, but based on reviews I've watched, it feels too similar. I'd say it is a nerdy Twilight in space.
Please correct me, people who also watch 4 year old videos and comment on them.
Twilight isn't an action-movie.
Twilight and 50 shades impacted the movie industry for years with not just one awful movie, but a whole saga, and they only got worse with every movie. It's easy to forget a bad movie, but 5 years of an awful saga? With books and annoying fanbases? That's harder to forget.
Jupiter Ascending was bad, but with no fanbase or lasting impact at all.
Not even The Room had a lasting impact until several reviewers shed some light on it as a so-bad-it's-good movie, wich it is. Jupiter Ascending is just bad-bad.
Cause Twilight and 50 Shades emphasized the "romance."
50 Shades is literally a fan fiction of Twilight. Author admitted it, LOL.
Because this movie sucks ass damn it
>Jupiter Jones
>Pluto Nash
Cypher Rage
@@SennaHawxha I was thinking the same thing 😂😂😂
Saturn Cliff
Poopy Fart>Wachowski
Captain Man
Jupiter Jones' name is even stupider considering she's the first descendant of a RUSSIAN IMMIGRANT.
Even worse, Jupiter is a masculine name.
Perhaps something as sensible as "Yuliya Petrov" may have worked both ways (Russian-sounding and a pun on "Jupiter").
She is a Russian immigrant
I've tried to watch the movie and couldn't get pass the 10 minute mark. However, the mother actually tells her husband that naming their child after a planet is stupid. Hell, the planet is named after a MALE GREEK GOD!
+P.Z. Arnott Yeah, why she can't be call Venus or Luna instead? At least it would make sence.
I saw like half of this movie in class last year and the whole class said it was confusing and boring and to never show it to us again. next movie we watched was the force awakens. 😊😊
and I found out my teacher was a star wars fan
At least force awakens wars good though.
+darkduck2000 exactly. hence the 😊😊
+darkduck2000 Ehhhh.. I didn't like it. But I respect your opinion and beliefs.
+Rowan Hodges of course you do, your Canadian.
*Eddie Redmayne working at a fast food place*
Eddie: So would you like your food here or to GO!?!
Ladies & Gentlemen, We're watching a big budgeted version of "The Room IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!"
+James Faraci Oh my god now I want Tommy Waseau in space "You're tearing me apart Jupiter! Oh hello doggy.. I like doggies I've always liked doggies"
+nerdcontrol22
"They're going to kill everyone on the planet and turn them into an immortality elixir."
"Hahahaha! What are story, Caine!"
If theres anything I want Hollywood to remake is this with Tommy Wiseau adlibbing lines as Jupiter Jones or they could always make it into a one man show... no no I don't think our mortal minds can handle such excellence.
+nerdcontrol22 Guessing "I love dogs" is a more subtle way of saying "so how's you sex life?"
Well Jupiter Waseau would just lead it up with "I love dogs I've always loved dogs,so hows your sex life?" he's very romantic you know?
"Am I even in the room right now?" I am so using that.
The phrase or the way he says it?
Both.
When he actually started calling her Duck Dodgers 😂😂😂
6:08 Sailor Jupiter Voice Actor is officially the cutest thing in this review
Who?
5:58
That I agree.
She's way too young to be the original actress
Found her name; Bennett Abara
honestly this movie is like every bad self insert fan fiction written by middle schoolers and i love it for that
Depending on when the Wachowskis wrote the script, relative to Larry turning into Lana, that may have been the case.
Petition for the Wazowski sisters to adapt My Immortal
Oh my God I just realized how right you are. The plot of this film would 120% be something that a 14 year old came up with for the Y/N fanfic they wrote on Wattpad.
With the maxi pad, did she put the sticky side on his wound?
Yes, yes she did.
She's damn stupid.
Sticky side down = Devil
Shit, that would sting.
Haha and this is the person they apparently want to lead the galactic empire? Yep I'm sure she'll make some great decisions.
What if Jupiter (the planet) was instead called Indiana. This movie would be even worse, we got lucky.
Think you mean "(The God)", since the planet got its name from Roman mythology. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jupiter_(mythology)
@@sandreid87 Does the etymology really matter? If we're changing words we can the etymological roots too. Maybe the planet was discovered by and man names Indianus, and they changed his name slightly for the planet he found.
26:15 that delivery from Malcolm is GOLD.
The Higher the SCREAM,
the Higher the *PAYCHECK*
15:08 it's a typical example of the pretentious names amateur writers give their Mary Sue characters, you know, like Isabella Swan.
lacountess Except Jupiter Jones is completely useless.
Dylan Roberts
Mary Sue names usually are. They are supposed to _sound_ cool even if they have zero meaning and nothing to do with the actual character. The amateur writer thinks giving their pet character an odd name would somehow set them apart and make them more speshul.
isabella swan at least sounds somewhat possible. marshal mars, now that's a mary sue name
And Rey from feminist awakens
I wouldn't call Rey a pretentious name. Yes she was a Mary Sue (How the hell do you do a Jedi mind trick without even knowing what a Jedi mind trick is?) but Rey is a much better name than Jupiter Jones. Also, I think you're one of the people who incorrectly uses the word "feminism" in situations where the word "misandrist" would be more appropriate (P.S. a misandrist is the antonym of a misogynist in case you didn't know)
7:53 The God Pigeon says “At least you can understand my voice and motivations better than this clown.”
whats that god pigeon from ?
@@RealBadGaming52 Animaniacs, a secondary character from the pigeon trio: goodfeathers
Why is no one pointing out that Wolf man bounty hunter's guns make barking noises? I seriously lol'd at that while watching the movie but no review I've seen so far addresses this hilariously bad creative decision.
I just want to point out that Fallout: New Vegas kinda did it first. The barking gun thing came out in one of it's DLCs: Old World Blues.
and fallout nv is a shit game so they are a match made couple
tazzerdevil98 Actually, it's the opposite for me: I love Fallout: New Vegas, despite it's flaws
Also out of all the things in Fallout NV that DLC is an homage to cheesy sci fi movies. I mean if you play it the only characters in that DLC are mad scientists brains in robots. Plus it kinda fits in fallout considering there is tonnes of weird cheesy shit. Vivisect me!
Star Wars: a tribute to every sci-fi film ever made (at the time).
Jupiter ascending: the same thing (but bad).
The bee's being commanded by her was the midechloreans.
wut?
I don't understand your comment, Super Saiyan Pikachu.
+Albus Kane a joke about the force.
.... Whatever you say, Gokachu.
...Get out.
The fact that she attempted to stop Cain's bleeding with a maxi-pad isn't what's dumb about the scene; what's dumb is that she puts the sticky side to the bleeding wound instead of the absorbent side! This movie becomes even dumber the more you dig in!
Exactly! I don't understand the logic of that :'D
The bees recognize royalty sounds like a shamalan twist
Elstupidonoone1 “what a twist!” Sorry had to. Haha robot chicken
A couple of years later.....this was actually the first time I found out one of the Wachowskis transitioned.
That's how off the radar they were to me after the Matrix.
Let me blow your mind even more, the other has since transitioned too.
That's how irrelevant they are.
@@nothanks7063 rip
The last thing I remember them making was Speed Racer, and I didn't even know that was a Wachowski film until just recently.
I find it really astonishing and almost impressive that Eddie Redmayne could have as bad a performance as this and suh a brilliant one in The Danish Girl and so many other films. Either there was great micro-management from the directors or Ed was slowly driven to insanity for all of the filming...or both.
Pretty sure it's micromanagement from the directors. Good actors can deliver a performance from just a short description and the director should only be a guide there. M. Night Shyamalan is also pretty good at demonstrating how to get great actors deliver terrible performances
@@houndofculann1793 George Lucas is great at it too.
Does calling the universe "The Verse" count as a Firefly ripoff?
Except I think it worked in Firefly because it was called that as slang by common everyday people who never once tried to pretend they were super intelligent or overly dignified.
Wasn't Firefly a ripoff of an anime that was a ripoff of cowboy bebop?
Possibly Dell Honne Nah, Firefly is more dystopian high sci fi, cowboy Bebop is a hard sci fi world. Besides some cowboy ideas they're pretty different.
I died when Eddie said "How dare you!!!!" XD
+Supermovies DENIED, SIT DOWN!!!!
alesin1992 Cypher Raige?
Supermovies
Yup. That name is as stupid as Jupiter Jones.
"Hao dhere yew"
*screechy puppet voice* CYPHER RAIIIIGE
Osmosis Jones Vs. Jupiter Jones: Civil war
Casey Jones wins.
Indiana Jones reigns supreme
Computer Jones from Look Around You is the best.
The scene of the bounty hunters where the critic says lets play try to care. Through out that scene I wasn't even paying attention. That's how bad that was. I didn't even care enough to even pay attention
It's funny how some people view this film having a message of female empowerment because isn't this film the exact opposite to the feminism cause? You have a protagonist so needy and free of personality who constantly gets rescued and says dumb lines like "I love dogs" just to get into Channing Tatum's pants... Seriously!
+倪传历（AllenSpellwaver） Makes sense since one of the wachowskis has a psychological disorder. I'm guessing they figured that the tighter a woman's clothes are, the more independent they are.
+倪传历（AllenSpellwaver） To sum it up, the people who think that this movie has a message of female empowerment are just a bunch of feminist dumbasses. That's it. The End. Ignore Them.
+倪传历（AllenSpellwaver） people just think its empowering bc she´s the main protagonist but am I the only one who thinks she´s not more than a love interest ? ( even though shes the protagonist lol ) just think about it :
1. she has no personality
2. she always gets rescued by a man
3. she just gets married. thats it. no opinion, no protest, no will. just nothing
4. this kinda refers to number two but SHE CANT DO ANYTHING ON HER OWN. I thought she would be, you know INDEPENDENT and at least A BIT clever or something when she has to work all day. This doesnt make you magically independent but these people are usally strong-willed and I think a hard working person would be able to at least have a fucking personality
5. She falls for a random ass guy without a fucking reason. Like yeah every woman jumps on the next dick she sees. Im so tired of this clishe and its so unrealistic it may sound weird but people need actually motives and TIME to have a crush on someone and then slowly developing it from there.
I dont care what the "feminists" say ( even though I think you guys are talking about feminazis ). She was written really really poorly and treated like the typical love interest that serves no purpose besides jumping on the guys dick. I am a woman and this is not the kind of representation I want to see, its actually one of the LAST. Shes not a good role model whatsoever. Im sorry I know your post is old but this movie is just so fucking stupid and badly written that I have to say something. Im glad ever critic I know hates it and I even heard that it didnt sell well.
sarah That's exactly what I want to say about her.
+倪传历（AllenSpellwaver） Barbarella had more of a sense of female empowerment than this film did.
A teen girl is actually royalty from another planet, dimension or realm and finds this out once she becomes a teenager?
Let's see... there's Sailor Moon, Winx Club, even LoliRock did this better without seeming so asinine about it.
And W.I.T.C.H. with Ellion.
5:58
You know Lolirock?
"I CREATE LIFE!!!" Will go down as one of my favourite bad movie quotes.
Personally, I think this should be a TV show and written by another establishment so it could expand on its own universe. On paper, it sounds fascinating.
Wow somebody on this thread who is actually has an interesting idea to make this concept work other than Nostalgia "IT SUCCCKKKKSS!!" Critic. It makes sense imo that HBO should have made this into a miniseries and hired someone other than the Wachowski's to direct it.
@@RenaldyCalixte why not get Joss Whedon. he's got experience with space epics
@@autobotproductions1244 That could work.
I personally believe world building heavy works like this movie are likely going to work better as series
You think Jupiter Jones is bad? My mechanic is literally named Steve Steeb!
"I CREATE LIFE!!!!"
I've never laughed soooo hard in a movie theater
VictorTheVan You need a refund, dude.
Fun fact: this is one of the rare moments where Sean Bean doesn’t die
Also National Treasure and Flight Plan!
I find it funny that while I loved this review I am still amazed and curious of HOW AND WHY he got the voice actor of sailor Jupiter and she was in the review for less than 10 seconds and while cool.........this goes down so far (Date February 3 2018) as his weirdest and also most pointless celebrity guest star
She likely only had a couple of minutes to do a scene so he probably quickly asked her to film herself when they ran into each other sometime.
Why do I feel like somehow a Stephen King cameo would’ve made more sense… No, it’s too soon for that
AU where Sean Bean is replaced by JD from the Heathers Musical.
Jupiter: The dinosaurs choked on the dust?
JD: THEY DIED BECAUSE WE SAID THEY MUST
...Heathers is still way more entertaining, even if JD was in this film.
another one bites the dust
@@AhSatan I've seen Heathers and I agree, it's much better than this trainwreck!
Or the original JD
Because don't tell me this, or any movie, wouldn't be improved by Christian Slater doing his Jack Nicholson impression
This movie is like a really crappy version of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie. You need a guide just to watch Jupiter Ascending.
Except HGttG was full of good humor, satirical elements, and was entertaining to watch. This is not.
Lucas Bell No shit, that was the joke.
Christopher Teaford I know.
The sad thing is, I sort of like some of the visuals and even adore some of its outlandish sci fi elements. hell, even the "bees recognize royalty" part could be cool if done well. but the movie fails by being aggressively boring and overly stuffed. what a shame
+Kingsley What pisses me off about the movie bombing is that they set up such an interesting world. I'd love to know more about it, but I will probably never get the chance because they'll never do a sequel. They should reboot this as a TV show and start with the mother and the siblings.
The whole video was absolute comedy but the best part was when they cut to that sideways clip. Paul Giamatti yelling fuck was just absolutely perfect in that moment 😂
I agree!
11:00 actually a tampon or pad wouldn't' make a bad bandaid in terms of the material, and it's not like it's used. The only problem with a pad is that the side that you want on the would won't stick because the adhesive is on the back.
even if is logic, it would only work, in a comedic move
Well, I actually had to use a maxipad for a bandage once. Of course, I was in Bumfuck, Nowhere dropping a small refrigerator on my leg.
At least you (hopefully) put it on the right way.
Eddie Redmayne does not belong in this movie. He's a fantastic actor, but ugh.... this. I guess every actor is allowed one bad movie. Don't disappoint me Eddie.
I kind of enjoy that Eddie Redmayne has this one embarrassingly bad performance under his belt. He's pretty great in everything else. I mean, his performance here really is hilarious. Unforgettable. One for the ages. So bad it's good. That's pretty special.
Marary R Yeah I suppose since he's really good in everything else, he's entitled to one terrible one. I don't really blame him though. None of the performances in this movie were good lol. I just feel like he was miscast. I've seen a lot of his work and he's very talented.
Ay_dree_n 25:16
At least he’s part of the league now.
HANDS DOWN, one of the funniest nostalgia critic reviews I've seen! xD