Guys are all based on looks. Between Instagram Grindr and other apps. Guys just judge by one photo then the guys discard you based on one photo. You can't be ugly and overweight or old. It's that bad. It sucks being gay. Guys are so mean.
+Dollar Tree Diva when I compare it to straight guys: they marry get kids and become maybe overweight and bald, but it doesnt matter. they have different goals in their mature life. gays on the other hand even in their 40´s want to look sexy, because they still want to have the possibility to find a date. kinda horrible.
Devon A You are SO right about these apps. It's all about looks. if you're not somewhat good looking and/or have a " gym body", then forget it. And if you're over 40( hell even 35 for some guys) then good luck; you'd better have the aforementioned looks and body if you hope to get even a side glance., Or have some money, coz a lot of these guys in their twenties insist that you have to pay for play.
I love when you said we can't get stuck on one idea of how to act (masc, fem, jock, etc.). I've just recently been getting a look into the gay community and don't understand why so much separation and catagorization.
It is basic sociology 101. People who feel marginalized tend to marginalize other people. It's like a gift that keeps on giving. Generally speaking, the gay community is profoundly prejudiced and racist, so it's no surprise that the community has come up with a myriad of subcategories.
Adventures of Zach and B I think a lot of people, maybe even most people, whether gay or straight, like to hang out with those with whom they have things in common, socially, emotionally, intellectually, politically and yes, even physically. Others prefer to spend time with those who are in some ways different, ethnically, socioeconomically, etc. I don’t know that these two general outlooks can be easily changed.
I think racism and prejudice in the gay community are coping mechanism. You feel judged and discriminated against so you go out and you do the same to other groups(and your own group) to make yourself feel better. It's like in the black community when people discriminate based off of skin color(light skin vs. dark skin). The gay community discriminates against skin color, body types, "feminitiy"/"masculinity", etc. It's sad.
+Barrett Pall too many people in the LGBT community fall into this ideal that masculinity is automatically equated to strength and to be feminine is equated to being weak. Which is not true, and allowing this patriarchal mindset only makes it worse. At the root of that mindset, is this idea that being a women automatically makes one less than and until you unravel that you will never be happy or able to really define what being a man means. The biggest blessing about being LGBT is that society has told you that you must be this or that, but when you are confronted head on with yourself knowing that you don't meet this set "ideal" you have this crisis that turns into an opportunity to recreate yourself. Into something that is more authentic, more real, and something that is able to take the best you that there can be.
+RobertLoveLiveLife liberal white gays are at the top. it's much easier for them to get what they want and are highly sought after. Minorities have to work 'extra' hard plus has to battle culture, religion and families with being gay. I have never seen an Asian or Hispanic gay guy with a black gay guy. Many black gay guys scorn their own and chase after white guys. White gay guys portray themselves as these liberal tolerant people, but behind closed doors say awful things about minorities. It's really hard to believe if a white guy is sincere or not because a lot (not all) are very fake. Maybe it's an American thing.
+monster Hmmmmmmmmm. There is discrimination and compartmentalizing in gay culture, to be sure. BUT - many white gay guys have learned to circle the black guys with a worrying eye...... I have found that a lot of the STRAIGHT black people that I have worked with are among the most extremely hostile homophobes that I have ever met. It's the whole Southern Baptist ~ Pentacostal ~ Apostolic bullshit. There is also a sense that black people are very resentful at the way the gay community has supposedly 'co-opted' the history and the tactics of the black civil rights movement ["The Freedom Train don't have no stops at Sodom and Gomorrah!!" Everybody say Amen!!"] AS IF the struggle for acceptance in this society is something that black people somehow OWN, and will let other people participate in only if they have properly secured permission first. That is arrogance, and willful arrogance at that. And all of this is amplified by rap music lyrics, and the mindless drivel currently coming out of Ben Carson's mouth..... Consequently many white guys are wary - how much of this internalized, unchanneled anger has the black gay man absorbed from his straight brothers? No one wants to find out.
@@fireandgrace9456 leave, leave, leave, leave people alone. Not everyone believes in that. You clicked on a video about gay people. Just lesve gay people alone.
Another issue i think is that many gay guys have this concrete idea what being gay and values supposed to be. It's one of the biggest annoyances i've experienced. You're assumed to be all pro liberal, pro gay pride etc. You're expected to hook up with a different guy every week. It's ironic gays preach so much about tolerance and accepting people for who they are while at the same time pretty narrow minded themselves.
The biggest problem within the gay community is the age issue, the idea that when you become 'older', you are no longer worthy or viable, the younger men hate on the older men so much. When I was 36, I was told by a 24 y/o that I was too old to be at this club we were at, and that I should go find some "Daddies Club" to hang out at: I am now 45 and feel that I look better and feel better than I ever have, but it is even worse now than ever before....I've been told by guys in their 30's that I am too old to even talk to them.
@OriRune how about every old gay realises they should probably look at other old gays. As if its normal in the hetero community for a 30 year old to hunt 18-22 year old girls. The problem is not ageism, its normal for young people to want people around their age. The problem is older people expecting young sexy flesh
@@tobi9466 this is an issue that isn’t talked about but it’s actually very very important and ik that this is from 2 years ago but i would have needed that advice…
For a community that is still struggling to finding acceptance from other communities, we have our own hierarchy about who fucks whom, on being thin and muscular and creating our own stereotypes, on being promiscuous, etc. I relate so much to your post. Thank you so much for this video. We don't others to discriminate us but we have created our own discrimination within our community, it's almost frustrating!!!
my #1 gripe about the gay community is how hung up on LOOKS everyone is you show up to meet a guy he takes one look and slams the door in your face or says this is not going to work and then slams the door its like being an actor going on an audition and you don't look the part and keep on looking next!!
sounds like you are talking about online hook-ups; the very concept of a total stranger meeting a total stranger for the first time and immediately having sex is very weird and awkward, even if it can work out sometimes. It is also somewhat risky in more ways than one. There are better ways to meet others in person before making a mad dash for the bedroom.
It's also about superficiality in veiws Alot of gays just cannot stay stable if they hear there is a gay conservative and then they blow up and start throwing slurs around and say they have "internalized homophobia" without even hearing what their point of view is
I am a gay man almost 70 out since 17. You hear this story from a guy who is young and a MODEL!!! He can't even imagine how cruel the gay world is to the average guy who isn't young,handsome,ripped,thin,white.I have traveled to many different countries and found gay men the same everywhere.No bigot or hater is as cruel to gay men than other gay men.Even if you do fit the stereotype most gay men are incapable of any type of committed relationship.It's a very lonely life.I grew up in a suburb of Boston,not some Bible Belt town, so even in the 60s when I came out there were a half dozen gay bars and Provincetown but because I wasn't considered "hot" I was a non-person.Once I passed 35 I was invisible.This video tells me that nothing has changed over the years.I gave up on the gay community many years ago .
I so agree! Gay men have been the worse people I've met which is why I can't stand many of them and that scene is still the same just different generation who's more tech savvy.
The sad part is that straight allies wont talk about this... and when a member of the community tries to adress this issue they get totally ignored. 😭 I think the only straight ally who pointed out the level of shallowness in the community was Lady Gaga
@@chevgage6210 That's because the community collectively resists any form of criticism of it's internal functions both from it's own members or political allies. The community, if you can call it that, is very intolerant rigidly hierarchial place complete with all the ism's you can possibly imagine. It doesn't want to change or be judged for it's actions but is more then willing to do the same in return. I'm through trying to engage with it as gay man. You'll have more success getting a rock to bleed.
there are acceptions, but the majority of the LGB community seems super shallow. I dont know each and everyone, but those putting themselves out there in the media have given this impression
Barrett, from my perspective as a counselor of young gay and straight men, this is not only the best video of yours I have ever seen BUT also the best video I have ever seen on RUclips about the gay life. Man, you nailed this perfectly! Everything from the candy store without parents, the perfectionism for acceptance, the attempt to fit in to a new social group, the sub-divisions within the community, the competition, etc. Barrett, I am so proud of you for saying this! This is your niche on RUclips and I hope you do more of these. You are young, you are intelligent and you are articulate, and let's not forget [as a gay man myself] it doesn't hurt that you are a model. Barrett, I do seriously hope that you will share your ideas more often with us. Kudos.................Ray
You are drop dead gorgeous but your soul and hart and spirit is even more beautiful ... You're an old soul. I wish all the love and health you deserve. Gracias amigo .
DON'T FORGET RACISM. As a gay Indian, I'm so sick of being compared to white unrealistic Instagram models as the threshold of beauty. Gays advocate for gay rights, but at the same time write 'no indians/asians' on their profiles, and just saying its 'preference. No it's not preferences, it's racism.
Yea because saying "no asians" which in other words means "I already know i will not be attracted to a single dude out of 1 billion asian men" is realistic and has nothing to do with a level of racism..yea sure..lolol
As a gay activist since 1972, I found your presentation excellent. Your points of wisdom for surviving and thriving as a human who is gay were absolutely spot on. Even though many people intuitively know what you communicate, it is essential that the conversation continue so that we can remind ourselves that we do know. Many of the comments below mention separation and loneliness , two things that I experienced when I was coming out in Vancouver, Canada. The key change for me was when I got involved in political groups, demonstrations and helping at a newspaper, Angles. Each of these groups were, of course, a community of focus so connections were made. People appeared and changed my attitude, became lovers and friends and I developed skills. The community in general in North American society IS alienating. The gay community cannot be blamed any more than the larger community. Expectations of community and brotherhood result in disappointment, yet creating your own community and nurturing it changes the whole community. As ,an older gay man who lost so many people to AIDS and pulled back from the community because of that, my presence in the youth focussed gay community is hardly acknowledged, so I have to, once again, forget my expectations and build my community. In a small town, I am using my 40 year archived gay liberation material to share with all the community during Pride Week I have a contribution just like all of us. The response has been great, I am reconnecting other I knew and meeting lots of the new generation. I loved your presentation because you have a really beautiful way of speaking strongly and clearly with passion and compassion. You very much remind me of the people who I was privileged to share my coming out with , strong, clear, committed and far seeing. Our vision of the future is your present. I am joining you in forming another vision of our future. I will be subscribing and contributing. To the people who are disappointed in the gay community, follow this guy and learn how to change yourself and things around you. We've got this if we are together.
My mom came to my house just when I was playing your video I was able to let her watch Your one of the only people I wasn't worried about. No need for pre-screening She said I was expecting something different from such a sexy guy but we both agreed on your points After, I thought it's sad that people aren't expecting a good looking gay guy to be intelligent Your so right people are put into groups and too many just play the part and we never find out who they really are.
Robotictacosauce, but my mom was often more like the betrayed little girl of 7 years of age, whose dad accused her mother of having an affair claiming my mom was not her daughter, divorced his wife leaving my mom a single child to be raised by a divorcee as of 1941 until 1946 when she remarried a man with whom she would bear like 12 or so children; so then as a result my mom from the time she was 13, after being a single child for 6 years, became her mother's "assistant" helping take care of the half brothers and sisters that were added every year. When my mom as a teenager worked outside the home, her paycheck was used to take care of her siblings which unfortunately caused my mom, whom I am sure did care for her new siblings, nonetheless became hardened resentful and bitter toward her mother, feelings my mom repressed rather than expressed to overcome which is why she was mostly emotionally unavailable to her 5 children, except on the rare occasions when we'd see the carefree little girl who felt loved by her "daddy" until he utterly abandoned her when she was seven. I only learned of the details of the divorce through my sister in law. The only short story I heard mom tell of her dad, was how much she loved it when he would take her to the ballgame and buy her an ice cream and one other tale she once told was when she once wondered out loud about her dad : "Who knows how many half brothers and sisters I have around this town" implying that her dad was more than a little acquainted with some of the females in the neighborhood he moved to after, or perhaps even before, the divorce. I only met him once or twice when we visited him and his 2nd wife and their children, so apparently there was enough of reconciliation between my mom and her dad which he byway of allowing her to visit with her husband and children, acknowledged that she was his daughter after all, but I do not believe it made up for the damage his behavior did to the formative years of her life from 7 through adulthood, when he refused to see her. Considering her experience, and despite her emotional absenteeism, in hindsight I say my mom, along with my dad who was equally if not more emotionally unavailable, did very well raising 5 children without any help from their parents but for the hands-on help provided by my paternal grandmother, another woman whose husband left her, in the early 60's, alone with one of 4 son's still dependent on parents: my grandma and uncle, both of whom moved in with my mom and dad whom had just then recently mortgaged their first house; my dad being the eldest son of that divorce. My uncle lived with my mom and dad until he married in 1963 or 64. My g-mom moved out in 1970, my first big "5 year old's" heartbreak and bitter taste of a kind of death, though at that time, I was unaware of the deep affect her leaving had on me and I have no doubt did play a part in what used to be an unquenchable thirst for attention and affection especially in my late teens through late 30's. By time I was in my forties I was just so worn out from the chase for attention and affection that the search, fortunately waned becoming less and less time and resource consuming. My mom referred to her mother-in-law as her savior, stating on several occasions that she did not know how they, mom and dad with 5 children under 13, would have made it without my g-mom's help at that time. Salute sojourners passing through this natural world until crossing the hour every generation will have crossed and departed out of this natural world leaving behind the years then good as dead but for the hope of eternal life.
This hit the nail right on the head...and I needed to hear this to confirm how I’ve been feeling. It’s so difficult as a young adult to be gay because it can feel like there’s no guidance.
Why would it be mature to stay friends with someone after a relationship break up. If I tell someone I love them (as in relationship) I mean it, I don't mean they're just ok for now. Love, for me means a long term commitment. If someone makes a long term commitment to me and doesn't keep it, I don't want that person in my life.
Frank Wilson I'm friends with one ex. I always want him in my life. I love him and he loves me. Some people can love you with all their heart, but they are still who they are. I could not continue in a relationship with him, but I love having him as my friend. I have one ex I would love to see in the obituaries (ok, just kidding), I never want to see him again!
David R. Nelson that’s understandable, I think most of us would have that one special person who didn’t work out as a lover but we love anyway and want to remain friends, the issue I have is with some guys who go through “relationships” like I go through underwear and keep all these countless exes around. Or when they call every hook up every one night stander a friend... I wouldn’t be able to commit to a guy like that.
And sometimes it's hard to be friends with someone who you have been so close to. My last long relationship was 3 years and the best. It was honestly a wonderful experience for both of us but some issues became too difficult to pass and we broke up but still very much loving toward each other. It has been 10 years and we have recently started talking on social media. He is happy and married and I have changed dramatically but I still feel a closeness to him that would make it difficult to be just friends. One day perhaps but it certainly wasn't something we could do immediately.
Thiago Hee I know what you mean! People confuse the dating process and the development of a relationship. I've dated and I had a six year committed, monogamous relationship. Two different things.
I couldn't agree with you more. We don't get to go through are adolescents like straight people. They get so much more relationship experience than gay men do. I know when I got out of high school I was very immature emotionally. We don't accepts ourselves so we project that hurt onto other people. I'm happier now that I'm older and focus on things that I like.
I think you hit it on the nail , I remember when I went to a gay bar for the firs time at the age of 18 , it was like being born again , but that feeling didn't last forever and by the time I was 25 the honeymoon was over , but during that time period there was not a lot of growth in my life , just a lot of trying to find the right guy which never happened , being gay is not easy , and this is just the first thing you discussed.
If your gay, you can still be a man. Don't let sexuality define your masculinity. You don't have to act feminine to show your gay. Im straight and I be questioning my manhood everyday all the time. So I kinda know where yall are coming from. You can still be man. Have faith bro
Another thing that happened to me is that I feel like I got made fun of by other gay guys for not ever really coming out and not being super confident and outgoing.
Thank you so much for saying this. These are all things I struggled with for years, and once I was able to look past all these things, I found life to be much easier to live. I feel like a lot of these are taboo topics in the gay community, and yet I see so many friends and acquaintances struggling with these issues. It's nice to see somebody talking about it, because I really believe that these are such valuable lessons to learn.
Ageism is important too. Obsession with perfection/youth is another (my own at least). Sigh,. I have hope for the younger generation tho. We lost a lot of good people to give you the gay lives you enjoy now. Once the thrill of being out wears off, i hope you all make things better for us as a community. 👍👍
Homonormativity, for those who don't know, is what happened when the lgbtq+ community appropiated the concepts of heteronormativity, and twisted it in such a way as to say that the more you are performing in a heteronormative manner, the better off you will be, for any number of sociocultural reasons; read "Covering" by kenji yoshino, and "Why I Am Not Talking To White People About Race" by Reni Eddo-Lodge, and see what's really happening
thank you for posting this. you hit home on so many issues. as someone who had never "fit in" to the mainstream gay scene and culture and feels somewhat underrepresented and looked down upon in some ways superficially by the gay community. I am appreciative that someone took the time to address these issues objectively. thank you
Loved this video (along with all your other videos tbh). I've been thinking about exclusion a lot lately. A lot of people, in my experience, will defend listing their preferences in their profiles (no fems/no asians etc) arguing that they're allowed to have preferences. While I agree with this, I don't like the fact that they're putting it out there and furthering the marginalization of demographics that aren't the dominant. Just something I wanted to share
I actually said the same thing about the "adolescent reset" in my video about open relationships. It kinda sucks because it's like dealing with adults that act like children. It's so true though. Gay guys have to "re-learn" and evaluate their emotional limits.
In all fairness, this made a lot of sense . I just hope that we learn from these things and not be a hypocrite when we encounter such situations in the future
I thought this was going to talk about a bit more serious issues, like the massive amount of racism, sexism, ableism and transphobia in a community that is supposed to be very open to anyone and accepting, but I guess not.
So beautiful all that sounds... Most of the people commenting and even those bringing up issues in the gay community are the same ones having their profiles with the heavy tags. No blacks, no Asians, No fats, no fems. 🙄🙄🙄
Hi Barrett, Why are gay men restricted to just masculine and feminine? Non-gay men are not restricted this way. You have regular guy, masculine guy, jock guy, effeminate guy, sportsman guy among other types: all straight male types. Why are gay men only restricted to two types, either you are masculine or feminine? This is very oppressive. We must allow variety within the gay male community; or else, the community falls apart.
I love how you addressed the idea of duality when it comes to "masculine/feminine"... And also how we need to stop separating each other based on "look". It's so juvenile and does not service the greater good in terms of finding romance or long-lasting love.
I think we are controlled by our biology. Guys are geared towards focusing on looks, and then there is the homophobic bias we are taught. Sadly that is what dictates behavior in the male gay community.
Barrett has done a great job at articulating his concerns and views about the "community." I have some thoughts in response. These are _my_ views from _my_ experiences. 2:05 Divisions in the community hurt us but it's not a gay thing. Humans have a predisposition towards tribalism. We gravitate towards what is familiar to ourselves. 2:30 Brotherhood and camaraderie with other gay guys is what I want to find. I won't hold your breathe on that, though. It's impossible to share a sense brotherhood with guys who see themselves as more female than male. It's impossible to share a sense of brotherhood with "dominate top" guys who see everything as either "top" or "bottom." I understand the stigma of being a feminine boy. It can be hell on earth. If I saw anyone, feminine boys included, being bullied or bash, I'd do what I could to help them. However, I want to spend time with guys. I want a relationship with a guy. I'm not talking about dominate, hyper-masculine guys but guys who like being guys and are also unafraid to express affection and compassion. 3:00 I think you've oversimplified the problem. If someone walks up to me in a dress, wearing makeup and acting feminine, I won't be sexually attracted to that person. I don't know how to share a sense of brotherhood with someone who wants to play the role of my sister or my wife.
Imagine second adolescence at age 48 after 36 years in the closet. The hormones even started surging like they did in 1978. Unfortunately, being hefty and living in rural Maine, there was no real outlet for that energy. :-( Still alone 3 years later. :-(
For sure your size /weight is not the issue. So being alone it has to do with where you live and your social life. If you are near Chicago I'd love to meet you and hang out.
David Lp definitely has to do with where he lives but his size is an issue as well. Have you been on any of these gay dating apps??!! It's all about looks. most of the guys on a lot of these apps are in their 20s and cute with great bodies; so if you're not (at least) somewhat good looking and look like you frequent the gym, then good luck! Plus he's approaching 50!!, which in the gay community is basically a senior citizen. And the over 40 guys on these sites that do have the aforementioned looks and body, they don't want other over 40 guys, they want younger. The whole thing sucks but that's just the reality of it. But with all that said I wish him luck coz he sounds like a nice guy.
6" X 275 is NOT very large. Barely large. I have never dated an Adonis or anything in that realm. Sure I thought they were VGL but that was my opinion. In other words: there is a lid for EVERY pot. There are sites for guys over 40. In the community life is over at 30. Beyond that dating is way more civilized and NOT just sex. I date a 32 years old and I hang out with people well beyond that age.
I already gave up on the community. I literally feel more accepted in my Catholic parish, with my family members and friends (they know I like men), than in the gay community. I only get on Grindr, have hookup every two to three months and then go on with my life and I am happier than ever. My social niche is not the gay community and my biggest mistake was thinking that I had to fit in.
Grindr and bubble or hook up apps. Match Black People Meet andE Harmony are actually dating sites. You have to pay for a subscription to join. Different quality of people.
Barrett, when I first subscribed to your channel, it was because you were cute and funny bit after seeing you talk about these issues that plague our community, I am so impressed by your mature perspective on these very real issues. Especially as you are part of an industry that focuses on little else than the superficial and it is SO easy to ignore the realities of others because they don't really affect you. I have just become a fan and not just another subscriber. Kudos!
You are absolutely correct. You are indeed wise. If it were possible to do so, your video should be seen by every gay person, young, old and in between. I look forward to your videos.
I've witnessed plenty of misogyny whilst on the gay scene. I've heard gay men call women "fish" or "I can smell fish". It's not on. It's wrong. I've seen racism too. Perversely... Bottom shaming is also part of gay culture and that is just plain homophobia! Anyone who participates in these fields is a hypocrite and needs to shed this crap. There is no place in the world for hate of any kind.
I’m not surprised which is the sad part. Even these lgbt ppl that go on RUclips and preach on faux love and respect for everyone are the same ones that reject and are mistreating anyone different from themselves.
I wish people would quit saying community. A tribal village (almost completely eradicated as "primitive" by arrogant and avaricious whites - I'm white, just owning our crimes - ) is a community and a VERY high level of society. We know almost nothing about community (or even society for that matter), all too freaking busy and stressed. There was a gay community when gays were dropping like flies but now HIV is "manageable" (and not coincidentally a mostly black problem) it's gone. That said, your commentary is pointed and accurate. Thank you.
I agree with you and it's very insightful. I think ex-es should remain just that. Too often they are brought into the equation when dating someone else and that is not healthy for a relationship, again it depends on the situation but in general, one just doesn't. All kinds of interpretations are made when this happens and I think we need to be mature about our commitment to our partners, if your partner has a problem with having your ex around and you value your relationship, it's wise to listen and avoid what makes them uncomfortable OR it's the easiest way out of your relationship.
You are absolutely right about the sub-categorisation of gay men causing a great deal of angst and compounding feelings of self-loathing. Unfortunately these divisions discourage a lot of gay men from exploring who they are as they give up because of the pressure and this can be psychologically destructive. Not surprising the suicide rate amongst gay men is so high when you are experiencing disapproval and oppression all around you. It get's better, well maybe not!
The biggest problem is the gay community judge's other people way to much. If your not as good looking as other men. If your short. If you do not have a large package or large bank account your laughed at and never loved. That is why I never find anybody
Very insightful. I’ve found that it’s been like this for decades, but my personal experience is that it had also become worse since the inception of social media.
I'm old, but not that old, not a daddy. I'm certainly not young, I'm not a twink. I'm fat, but not that fat, not a chub. I have hair on my chest but not that much, I'm not a bear. And I wish that I had a group that I could identify as. As much as that sounds nonsensical, that's how I feel. I just don't seem to belong. I feel very alone. I disagree that the segregation of the different characteristics of tribes of men creates separation. I think it gives guys a "clan" to be a part of. It does pain me how cruel and heartless LGBTQ often express themselves to be. I would promote compassion and consideration as a possible priority for communication and discussion. Thanks for letting me share.
This is such an insulated "privileged" expression of views. While some of these are issues in the gay "community", they equate to a first world white male perspective. There are far more pressing issues like racism, sexual segregation and the whole idea of the gay "community" in the first place.
Agreed with you on this. This video is more focused on body image and the labels/attitudes associated within the culture. I'll take this dude more seriously when he features the real marginalized people in gay culture. Guest starring male models in his vids (obviously white) like himself is not helping his case for a "gay brotherhood".
At least it’s a start. Anyway, any one of us can only speak from our own lived experience. And he is self-aware enough to say upfront that they were his lived opinions. Let’s support him as part of ‘the brotherhood’, rather than criticise his efforts to improve an appalling situation. Try re-listening without looking at his handsome Western face, and you might hear the wisdom and potential for good in his voice.
I wish there were more people like you that exist. I feel that a lot of people I come across in the LGBTQ+ space don't understand this. I feel that either I'm ages ahead of my time or a majority of the community just isn't ready to grow up. It's incredibly frustrating in so many ways because to a some I come across as "internally homophobic" or shaming when in reality, I'm incredibly depressed about the state of the community. I remember back in 2010-11 when I was very young (around 11) and told nobody about my attraction to men. I had this vision of one day loving another man and being able to live a remarkable and incredible life together. Fast forward to the end of this decade, I look around me and feel beyond hopeless. As a college student, hookup culture is an extraordinary factor, and unfortunately it makes matters more unfortunate for myself because recently I have discovered that I am romantically attracted to primarily masculine men. Contradictory this is, however I hate how we've divided ourselves into categories and groups, not to mention categories and groups that I myself don't even fit into. In a romantic sense I've always wanted nothing more than to love another man, but with the state of the world and my bad luck, I just can't help but think that it'll never happen.
billy Crawford I couldn’t have said that better myself. It’s very foreign and an individual concept to me knowing that I appear and sound more masculine than a lot of gay men but nevertheless attracted to the same entity. Not only that but I have noticed some of these patterns that you mention. I think I’ve had my fair share of awful experiences with the community. Two years ago I was coerced into an abusive relationship with a borderline / sociopath and as a result I’ve suffered severe psychological trauma. Gratefully, most of that has faded with time, experiences, and a fuckton of exercise but nevertheless it still shapes how I view things. I had another boyfriend after that but the relationship just never really worked out for either of us after a certain period of time, and he was going away for college at that point so we deemed it pretty pointless. I’ve done a lot of research on the community and why it is the way it is, and have come to the conclusion that what I’m looking for is something that probably doesn’t exist. I’ve had a lot of experiences this year that have made me realize that I’m actually able to love myself (haven’t actually felt that for the past 10 years of my life for many reasons (Parents’ difficult and rough divorce, childhood trauma, etc.) but that feeling is incredible. When you realize that there is no emotional dependency on someone else it goes a long way. However you have to get there. At this point in many cases it’s almost like I don’t even want a relationship because a lot of these lifelong, philosophical questions that I’ve been asking have been answered in myself. I’m not one to really go on dates or trust really anyone in the community at all so I wouldn’t be too concerned about that. I’ve been fucked over one too many times and would prefer to just never go back there. Recognizing warning signs and red flags go a long way, and unfortunately they are no rarity in this community. This is obvious but it’s extremely difficult falling into the mindset of not trusting anyone as a result of your experiences. But realistically what can you do in a community plauged with untrstworthiness? Unfortunately I don’t know the answer to that. On the other side I have found some amazing people online who have been my friends for quite some time.It’s a long, difficult road in this world especially if you’re looking for a soulmate in purely unrealistic circumstances. Maybe better experiences await, but for now I’m more than good with myself and that’s something that can’t be taken away from me at this point. Wish you luck with everything, it’s an insane world we live in.
'Gay community' is a misnomer. Most people belong to many different overlapping communities. Being a member of a 'gay community' where the only requirement for membership is same-sex attraction is like belonging to a closed religious cult. What builds strength in a 'gay community' is the activities you engage in and the relationships you build during the time when you are NOT engaged in getting laid.
Whether a person is "masculine" of "Feminine" it makes no difference.Since you live in a FREE COUNTRY NO ONE CAN FORCE YOU TO DO ANYTHING YOU DONT WANT TO DO.ALSO NO ONE CAN FORCE YOU TO BE WITH ANYONE YOU DONT WANT TO BE WITH.IF YOU WANT TO BE IN CHARGE OF YOUR OWN LIFE YOU CAN DO THAT WHAT EVER SEX YOU ARE AND WHATEVER SEX YOU ARE LIKE.YOU DONT LIVE IN AN ISLAMIC STATE.
top billing in what? choosing a B ball team? knowing where to buy the best BBQ? This argument is fundamentally stupid. as human beings, we are all attracted to like. In the west, caucasians make up the majority of the population. that has larger ramifications. That means the likelihood they own the publishing houses, own the bars, clubs restaurants. Even those who produce porn here in the west are most likely white. If you want Asian [porn, or Indian porn or even Maori porn or just smut in general, look to the local producers in your own nations. why look to America? David Lp, perhaps in your small corner of our world black men are the choice of the day. Not in mine. Nor I imagine in Japan or Australia nor even Romania. Kenya, sure, makes sense. Just don't make assumptions based on your emotional attractions and extrapolate them throughout the rest of the USA.
WOW that depict more your personal views than the average. As to my small corner of the globe it is Chicago and New York city. People my age are not as bigot as older folks like you. BTW the ones that are size queen do enjoy big dicks and that is abundant among black guys NOT whites or any other race. Also most white guys that I know and have grown up with have no distinction among the races. I have been to gay bars in LA, San Diego and in Arizona and never noticed the racism that you describe. That may be your own issue and not a gay thing.
Perhaps, however my experiences are more world wide. I have lived 5 years or more in Tokyo, Berlin, Frankfurt, London, Seattle, San Francisco and now Texas. To be more specific, I have never yet met a couple whose long term relationship was based on the size of a penis. You have blinders on if you assume I am suggesting racism is the norm. I am saying that we tend to associate with those who we determined were attractive at an early age. Look at the groups w/n the gay community. Now that is an alphabet. No matter where, what kind of club or bar, no matter if its a white, black or red party, we all self segregate. I accept your claim in being young, and having a limited experience, time will take care of that issue. Where we disagree is that I find it impossible to look at the community and see equity. Racism exists, not always based on hatred, but more often based on comfortability. That needs more then just time, it requires self honesty. these comments are not about scoring points. it is all about honesty, for w/o it, nothing can be learned.
'Brotherhood' is not going to happen. Most good looking gay men always look after number one and aren't in the slightest bit interested in anything but themselves. Everything has to be compartmentalized now. Boys growing up shouldn't have to worry about their sexuality. By 16 you know what you are and then act on it. Wait until the right man comes along and you'll have a great life. Don't believe all this hype about sharing or not going out to meet guys. Don't go on grindr it's a good way of guys to recce your home and see where you keep your valuables! There are many legit sites but fewer clubs to meet guys.
I’m a 49-year-old gay man, I was born, grew up, and I’ve spent all of my life here in Toronto, one of the most gay friendly cities on earth, but the gay community itself I despise, because it is so shallow/superficial/vein, where are your looks are your license, and if you don’t act like a clone and dressed like everyone else you are completely ignored. I have never been one to follow popular trends, and because of that, you would not believe the amount of criticism given to me by complete strangers. I have absolutely no hesitation and telling them off, Because I have no tolerance for ignorance or stupidity. I’ve always been in and out going person, and will say hello to a complete stranger just because I was raised knowing that that’s the right thing to do. Not so in Toronto is gay community, because God for bid you actually talk to somebody if you’re not as good looking as they are. There are so many arrogant stuck up assholes in our community it staggers me. I’m not bragging, but I’m 6 feet tall, blonde hair blue eyes and 170 pounds of solid lean muscle. I don’t do that to get attention, I do it because I want to keep my body healthy, yet no matter where we go, we being my spouse and I, we receive so much negative attention, my spouse is a big guy, he’s my height but it’s also 260 pounds. When we first met 30 years ago, we are both skinny Twinks, but now that we’re older, well, my hubby hasn’t aged as well as I have, and incredible audacity some people is disgusting. Again, complete strangers will come up to me and say why are you with that fat pig, and I’m not kidding people of actually said that to me, instead of answering with my know if I preferred to do so with my fist, I’ve caused more than a few black guys, if they want to extol their ignorance in public, it better be prepared for the response, because I absolutely refuse to take any disrespect, from these scrawny, crackhead Twinks with the IQ of a fruit fly! God I sound negative don’t I? But I have reason to be that way, as anybody who’s lived a long time and are gay community will tell you, attitude and vanity are the two things we have in abundance unfortunately, and I will not tolerate either one. So we moved away from the community along time ago, and are much happier, I absolutely despise the gay community, they bring the word bitch to a whole new level. I’ll wear whatever I choose to wear, and I’ll marry whoever the hell I want to marry, no scrawny little queen is going to say anything to me unless they enjoy physical pain! My partner and I attended dozens of protest fighting for our rights back in the 80s and 90s, my generation paved the way for all the rights and freedoms that this current generation enjoys without even thinking about it. They have no clue that had it not been for us, there would be no way in hell they could stroll down the street holding hands without being arrested or attacked. It’s about time the gay community Stop being so goddamn judge mental and superficial, and begin to be grateful for those that came before them, without whom they could not live the life that they do!
I’ll share this from my 51 years as a gay man: ‘gay brotherhood’ eluded me too, until I brought together a group of likeminded men all interested in yoga. Maybe it takes a second common interest to help a group of same sex attracted guys to bond and start caring about each other?
i have a serious question ... how big of an issue is incontinence within the gay community ? i heard that males' sphincter is not as elastic as females' sphincter and loses the ability to be a reliable shutter Ok i am about to try a prostate massager ... i ask for this I am worried about possible irreversible damages to the sphincter Incontinence is not nice at all
Of course he did not face the biggest problem that roils vast majority of gays : racism. And that poses the real question : if the word "community" is applicable to the group. Second biggest problem would be : the community is one big sex club. There is obvious sexual undertone to bloody EVERYTHING in the scene.
A friend of mine who was gorgeous, movie-star handsome, fabulous body, once confessed to me that he had low self-esteem. I was furious. I said, "You have no RIGHT to low self-esteem. I have the right to low self-esteem!" He laughed but was probably speaking the truth about himself anyway.
More than a brotherhood. I belonged to an LGBTQ community in a small city in a conservative rural area where, surprisingly, loads of people were out. Yeah, sometimes I’d attend an all woman gathering (mostly by women in the closet), and my male friends attended all male events. And sometimes my partner and I were the only female couple invited to an event. My best friends were a gay male couple (we had breakfast, lunch, or dinner together at least 2 times a week). Our community did things together-from throwing the dances we never had, to self improvement, to advocacy. We also would throw and attend parties that included our straight friends, who were usually transplants from the west coast or a big city. Bears hanging out with Queens, etc. Everyone was welcome because we were such a small minority. I think I was spoiled coming out in this community. I don’t know what it’s like now as I moved out of country years ago. What was most difficult for me-and perhaps why my best friends were men-is how possessive so many women were of their partners. I don’t get it. It’s better to trust your partner and just relax… not everyone is out to get your partner. Also, I don’t like the separation of men and women so much. I don’t get that either.
The first point (or second?) is very true. Throughout our infancy and adolescence we don't get to have normal first experiences with hook ups and first kiss or whatever, because we're in that stage of life where we're not independent and therefore not free to do whatever we want; also the fear of judgement from your peers that at that young age are very clildish and mean influences you a lot. So I have this feeling, including myself, that once we come into adulthood we all kinda feel like kids when they get the chance to have the whole house for themselves for a night for the first time, and you're all so excited that you can't even set a plan of things to do, you just go around wanting to do the craziest stuff that you never could and end up somehow hurting yourself or realizing at the end that you haven't done anything consistently funny at all. I guess it's because of the fact that we never had those moments and once we get the chance to potentially have all of them at once, we can't seem to function properly and to figure out how to handle them. You got this feeling that you wanna keep up with all of those years that yiu haven't done anything and you end up completely dissatisfied or disgusted with the process.Not to mention the well known fact of the pressure of being perfect and all that, just recently I can feel a cry for authenticity also in the gay community. There's a whole crazy ass lot of work still to do to improve our community, especially after centuries of being neglected, hurt and excluded from what is considered to be normal, so I guess why it's not that easy and why it is gonna take a long time. I just hope that in a not too far away future there's a society where straights and gays are completely and totally equal, that the lines and borders and all these labels will be gone; cause at the end of the day you're not just straight, gay, lesbian, bi, trans, asexual or whatever, there are so so many other ways of just "living" or "being" that doesn't necessarily put you in a category.. there's plenty of stories of straight people who have fallen for gays and similar things, what really matters is the soul of a person, you don't fall in love with their gender or sexuality, just with the person per se. Just gonna end it here cause it's already too long but these have been thoughts going on in my head recently and writing them down feels so good.
I feel you on the ex thing. My Ex and I broke up after 6 months. We have started hanging out and me and his ex after me are now friends too. I find it healthy that all three of us are mature enough to befriend each other and be there for one another. The main thing that brought me and my ex back to talking was the loss of my dog after 16 year. He was going through his older dog being sick and it helped us to open up and talk to each other. It was also nice to have him there to comfort me during it. The problem I keep hearing from people is that they keep asking if we are gonna date again. NO, Been there and it didn't work. Tho I won't say no forever because we could have just been in different points in our lives and later in life it may happen again but I am also not going to force anything.
What Barrett says about the gay community is much like a big elephant in a tiny room that everyone knows and ignores comfortably. It really takes me many years to truly be myself and completely get off such competition. After crossing this boundary, it only makes me feel so much better about myself and no longer live the shadow created by others and myself. It is true for us, realising our own sexuality is like a second birth, we need to grow and learn again as we have never been told how to socialise with other gays, how to deal with gay relationships, how to cope with our own fears etc. It is a bumpy road that we cannot refuse and have to go through.
Thank you so much for posting this and not writing an article so people from all countries can find this information easily. You are articulate and opinionated and that's is refreshing to see in a youtuber. After a while, funny videos get boring if they don't offer something more.
Breaking up into sub-groups is not a bad thing. It’s overwhelming when the group is too big. Intimacy is more available in small groups that we can personally identify with. The problem comes when a group becomes “tribal” and start judging and being critical of other groups.
That's so true!!! I never came out. Once I was independent, I brought my love to hangout with the fam, lol. Sometimes, I have to prove to ppl that I am gay. They always say, " but you don't act gay", eventually ( sometimes after years) they get it. I love the detailed way you speak. I just subscribed and am looking forward to more of your content!!! Stay well and Blessed!!!💝
Forty-five years ago, I came out my first year of graduate school. Most of my straight peers had been dating since high school. It was difficult to keep up studies while exploring a gay social life. Another of my friends who did the same thing at a more distinguished university never finished his degree. Hopefully today's LGBTQ+ have more opportunities to come out earlier and start dating in high school. In my time, a gay student who risked coming out to another could potentially be expelled. Today, fortunately, my high school has a Gay-Straight Alliance.
As a gay dude, I totally appreciate this talk and hope all you have discussed here becomes a conversation met on a larger scale within the community. You bring to light some excellent talking points that deserved deep debate. Keep it coming.
it's a rough road being gay - i think we're stronger and much more courageous than we give ourselves credit for ... it's just too bad that there isn't the cohesion that we really need to ensure that there's more support and bolstering than what we get
You touched on some very important topics that I have witnessed and experienced numerous of times. I do agree when you mentioned how we need to work on becoming a "brotherhood" versus trying to compete among each other which results to us breaking up into several sub-groups. This video was definitely food for thought. Thanks for sharing.
I’m really curious if y’all have the same issue with lopsided power differentials, power flexes, entitlement, and arrogance that straight couples have? I’m not sure if you are familiar with it, but I mean the laundry lists of things you gotta be and do in order to be good enough to be in a relationship. Is there anything like that in gay dating? Is it as toxic as straight dating is becoming?
This video is 4 years old, but I don't know if you're gonna read this. But thanks for that. When I first came out, I fabricated this reality, lost who I was, and became bitter and jaded because of what I experienced in the gay community and victimized myself. I really hated the person I was becoming. 7 years later, now I realized how much love there is in life. It's okay to say no and to stand up for your values. And it's okay to walk away and make better friends - no matter who they are.
Barrett: Powerful video. It really was. I was like he is really on it in this video! You are speaking about the issues we all face. People have commented on several issues you did not cover already. Ageism is a big issue too. You did a great job with this video and may you continue to address different subjects in your videos. Thank you.
The stages of modern gay life: 1) Hell (growing up gay in a straight world). 2) Heaven (coming out and running wild). 3) Burn out (learning that the party scene is oh-so-empty). 4) Lost (searching for meaning, purpose, identity). 5) Make-or-Break (either finding stability and contentment or self-destructing).
Yes. Yes. Yes. And more YES! Your analysis of the gay community is spot on! These are some of the major issues facing our community and we need to talk about it more! We need to build a brotherhood the way women have and the way people of color have.
I am shocked... You speak my mind! I thought that I was alone, but really alone! I am so relieved... Your video and blog are really helpful to me. Finally I do not have to watch/read something related to the gay community which does not necessarily refer to acceptance of stereotype! Thank Pal
I’m leaving this comment to simply thank you for your honesty and transparency. I’m a straight black man living in San Francisco who is attempting to better understand gay culture, both the good and the bad. Being born in SF I’ve always been “next-door” but I’ve never really wrapped my mind around the complexity of the community. I have adopted terms like “bear” From my gay friends and always felt a little perplexed by these labels and inherently found them discomforting. I consider myself ally of the community. So all I can say is thank you for the insight and honestly.
Guys are all based on looks. Between Instagram Grindr and other apps. Guys just judge by one photo then the guys discard you based on one photo. You can't be ugly and overweight or old. It's that bad. It sucks being gay. Guys are so mean.
+Dollar Tree Diva when I compare it to straight guys: they marry get kids and become maybe overweight and bald, but it doesnt matter. they have different goals in their mature life.
gays on the other hand even in their 40´s want to look sexy, because they still want to have the possibility to find a date. kinda horrible.
As if you can dare to BE Asian, Black, Indian.
Devon A You are SO right about these apps. It's all about looks. if you're not somewhat good looking and/or have a " gym body", then forget it. And if you're over 40( hell even 35 for some guys) then good luck; you'd better have the aforementioned looks and body if you hope to get even a side glance., Or have some money, coz a lot of these guys in their twenties insist that you have to pay for play.
Devon A I am experiencing through this. But i agree
@@Crookedlystrait People who use Grindr and hook up apps don't realise they have replaced one closet for another!
I love when you said we can't get stuck on one idea of how to act (masc, fem, jock, etc.). I've just recently been getting a look into the gay community and don't understand why so much separation and catagorization.
Adventures of Zach and B Why is this so relevant to the video you just posted ?!? Ugh I want change !
It is basic sociology 101. People who feel marginalized tend to marginalize other people. It's like a gift that keeps on giving. Generally speaking, the gay community is profoundly prejudiced and racist, so it's no surprise that the community has come up with a myriad of subcategories.
@@whathesaid5198 nah it's the snowflakes that are ruining us
Adventures of Zach and B I think a lot of people, maybe even most people, whether gay or straight, like to hang out with those with whom they have things in common, socially, emotionally, intellectually, politically and yes, even physically. Others prefer to spend time with those who are in some ways different, ethnically, socioeconomically, etc. I don’t know that these two general outlooks can be easily changed.
Exactly. Its the biggest hypocrisy going!!
I think racism and prejudice in the gay community are coping mechanism. You feel judged and discriminated against so you go out and you do the same to other groups(and your own group) to make yourself feel better. It's like in the black community when people discriminate based off of skin color(light skin vs. dark skin). The gay community discriminates against skin color, body types, "feminitiy"/"masculinity", etc. It's sad.
***** completely agree, i wanted to touch on racism, but decided to wait for another video.
+Barrett Pall too many people in the LGBT community fall into this ideal that masculinity is automatically equated to strength and to be feminine is equated to being weak. Which is not true, and allowing this patriarchal mindset only makes it worse. At the root of that mindset, is this idea that being a women automatically makes one less than and until you unravel that you will never be happy or able to really define what being a man means. The biggest blessing about being LGBT is that society has told you that you must be this or that, but when you are confronted head on with yourself knowing that you don't meet this set "ideal" you have this crisis that turns into an opportunity to recreate yourself. Into something that is more authentic, more real, and something that is able to take the best you that there can be.
+RobertLoveLiveLife The truth is, everybody discriminates to certain degrees. Some more than others..
+RobertLoveLiveLife liberal white gays are at the top. it's much easier for them to get what they want and are highly sought after. Minorities have to work 'extra' hard plus has to battle culture, religion and families with being gay. I have never seen an Asian or Hispanic gay guy with a black gay guy. Many black gay guys scorn their own and chase after white guys. White gay guys portray themselves as these liberal tolerant people, but behind closed doors say awful things about minorities. It's really hard to believe if a white guy is sincere or not because a lot (not all) are very fake. Maybe it's an American thing.
+monster Hmmmmmmmmm. There is discrimination and compartmentalizing in gay culture, to be sure.
BUT - many white gay guys have learned to circle the black guys with a worrying eye......
I have found that a lot of the STRAIGHT black people that I have worked with are among the most extremely hostile homophobes that I have ever met. It's the whole Southern Baptist ~ Pentacostal ~ Apostolic bullshit. There is also a sense that black people are very resentful at the way the gay community has supposedly 'co-opted' the history and the tactics of the black civil rights movement ["The Freedom Train don't have no stops at Sodom and Gomorrah!!" Everybody say Amen!!"] AS IF the struggle for acceptance in this society is something that black people somehow OWN, and will let other people participate in only if they have properly secured permission first. That is arrogance, and willful arrogance at that. And all of this is amplified by rap music lyrics, and the mindless drivel currently coming out of Ben Carson's mouth.....
Consequently many white guys are wary - how much of this internalized, unchanneled anger has the black gay man absorbed from his straight brothers? No one wants to find out.
We tend to have friends but are often still loners.
stevie jongh sad, but true.
im a loner so i can relate
stevie jongh God hates homosexuality do not be deceived
@@fireandgrace9456 leave, leave, leave, leave people alone. Not everyone believes in that. You clicked on a video about gay people. Just lesve gay people alone.
@@fireandgrace9456 Come out the closet.
Another issue i think is that many gay guys have this concrete idea what being gay and values supposed to be. It's one of the biggest annoyances i've experienced. You're assumed to be all pro liberal, pro gay pride etc. You're expected to hook up with a different guy every week. It's ironic gays preach so much about tolerance and accepting people for who they are while at the same time pretty narrow minded themselves.
im another i can relate
You were stretching hard with that one, TacoSauce.
The accuracy in this comment. 👏🏽
Exactly!!
monster
God hates homosexuality, But loves all homosexuals, More than I or you can understand..
The biggest problem within the gay community is the age issue, the idea that when you become 'older', you are no longer worthy or viable, the younger men hate on the older men so much. When I was 36, I was told by a 24 y/o that I was too old to be at this club we were at, and that I should go find some "Daddies Club" to hang out at: I am now 45 and feel that I look better and feel better than I ever have, but it is even worse now than ever before....I've been told by guys in their 30's that I am too old to even talk to them.
Really??? Where???
Age doesnt matter im 17
At the end of the day its just about that person really love u or not
I think it's just sad how superficial people can get. Age is just a number and you have all the right to live life the way you want to. ♡.
@OriRune how about every old gay realises they should probably look at other old gays. As if its normal in the hetero community for a 30 year old to hunt 18-22 year old girls. The problem is not ageism, its normal for young people to want people around their age. The problem is older people expecting young sexy flesh
@@tobi9466 this is an issue that isn’t talked about but it’s actually very very important and ik that this is from 2 years ago but i would have needed that advice…
For a community that is still struggling to finding acceptance from other communities, we have our own hierarchy about who fucks whom, on being thin and muscular and creating our own stereotypes, on being promiscuous, etc. I relate so much to your post. Thank you so much for this video. We don't others to discriminate us but we have created our own discrimination within our community, it's almost frustrating!!!
my #1 gripe about the gay community is how hung up on LOOKS everyone is you show up to meet a guy he takes one look and slams the door in your face or says this is not going to work and then slams the door its like being an actor going on an audition and you don't look the part and keep on looking next!!
sounds like you are talking about online hook-ups; the very concept of a total stranger meeting a total stranger for the first time and immediately having sex is very weird and awkward, even if it can work out sometimes. It is also somewhat risky in more ways than one. There are better ways to meet others in person before making a mad dash for the bedroom.
Yeah but everybody is hung up on looks to certain degrees and that's not going to change.
It's also about superficiality in veiws
Alot of gays just cannot stay stable if they hear there is a gay conservative and then they blow up and start throwing slurs around and say they have "internalized homophobia" without even hearing what their point of view is
And you say Women are not hung up on looks? Not sure what rock you have been living under.
I am a gay man almost 70 out since 17. You hear this story from a guy who is young and a MODEL!!! He can't even imagine how cruel the gay world is to the average guy who isn't young,handsome,ripped,thin,white.I have traveled to many different countries and found gay men the same everywhere.No bigot or hater is as cruel to gay men than other gay men.Even if you do fit the stereotype most gay men are incapable of any type of committed relationship.It's a very lonely life.I grew up in a suburb of Boston,not some Bible Belt town, so even in the 60s when I came out there were a half dozen gay bars and Provincetown but because I wasn't considered "hot" I was a non-person.Once I passed 35 I was invisible.This video tells me that nothing has changed over the years.I gave up on the gay community many years ago .
I so agree! Gay men have been the worse people I've met which is why I can't stand many of them and that scene is still the same just different generation who's more tech savvy.
The emphasis on youth and beauty has always been a aspect of the community
If you don't have abs then you don't exist
Isn't that just male sexuality that your talking about. It isn't that way with lesbians.
Its not a community. Its a competition hierachy. Community gives the impression that people cooperate and help each other.
The sad part is that straight allies wont talk about this... and when a member of the community tries to adress this issue they get totally ignored. 😭 I think the only straight ally who pointed out the level of shallowness in the community was Lady Gaga
Lady gaga is not straight lol
It's not on the allies to bring it up. Especially when most of the community lashes out when allies are dissonant. Allies are props.
@@chevgage6210 That's because the community collectively resists any form of criticism of it's internal functions both from it's own members or political allies. The community, if you can call it that, is very intolerant rigidly hierarchial place complete with all the ism's you can possibly imagine. It doesn't want to change or be judged for it's actions but is more then willing to do the same in return. I'm through trying to engage with it as gay man. You'll have more success getting a rock to bleed.
@@Not-Ap exactly
there are acceptions, but the majority of the LGB community seems super shallow. I dont know each and everyone, but those putting themselves out there in the media have given this impression
Barrett, from my perspective as a counselor of young gay and straight men, this is not only the best video of yours I have ever seen BUT also the best video I have ever seen on RUclips about the gay life. Man, you nailed this perfectly! Everything from the candy store without parents, the perfectionism for acceptance, the attempt to fit in to a new social group, the sub-divisions within the community, the competition, etc. Barrett, I am so proud of you for saying this! This is your niche on RUclips and I hope you do more of these. You are young, you are intelligent and you are articulate, and let's not forget [as a gay man myself] it doesn't hurt that you are a model. Barrett, I do seriously hope that you will share your ideas more often with us. Kudos.................Ray
I completely agree
(eye roll) "you like him because he's a model?" give me a break
what about the recent stats about the growth of STIs ? Why are so many in our community being idiots and not wearing condoms ?
You are drop dead gorgeous but your soul and hart and spirit is even more beautiful ... You're an old soul. I wish all the love and health you deserve. Gracias amigo .
DON'T FORGET RACISM. As a gay Indian, I'm so sick of being compared to white unrealistic Instagram models as the threshold of beauty.
Gays advocate for gay rights, but at the same time write 'no indians/asians' on their profiles, and just saying its 'preference. No it's not preferences, it's racism.
Vesh K if someones not attracted to a certain race, its just about preference, theres nothing racist about making clear who or what you are into
Yea because saying "no asians" which in other words means "I already know i will not be attracted to a single dude out of 1 billion asian men" is realistic and has nothing to do with a level of racism..yea sure..lolol
@@BAH-ps4sk In fairness, I know in San Francisco, most gay asian men don't date other asian men but largely prefer white men.
@@pwat7254 and that too has a level of racism. by previous comment could be applied to any race. lol
I feel your pain brother. Black and gay here 🤷🏾♂️
As a gay activist since 1972, I found your presentation excellent. Your points of wisdom for surviving and thriving as a human who is gay were absolutely spot on. Even though many people intuitively know what you communicate, it is essential that the conversation continue so that we can remind ourselves that we do know. Many of the comments below mention separation and loneliness , two things that I experienced when I was coming out in Vancouver, Canada. The key change for me was when I got involved in political groups, demonstrations and helping at a newspaper, Angles. Each of these groups were, of course, a community of focus so connections were made. People appeared and changed my attitude, became lovers and friends and I developed skills. The community in general in North American society IS alienating. The gay community cannot be blamed any more than the larger community. Expectations of community and brotherhood result in disappointment, yet creating your own community and nurturing it changes the whole community. As ,an older gay man who lost so many people to AIDS and pulled back from the community because of that, my presence in the youth focussed gay community is hardly acknowledged, so I have to, once again, forget my expectations and build my community. In a small town, I am using my 40 year archived gay liberation material to share with all the community during Pride Week I have a contribution just like all of us. The response has been great, I am reconnecting other I knew and meeting lots of the new generation. I loved your presentation because you have a really beautiful way of speaking strongly and clearly with passion and compassion. You very much remind me of the people who I was privileged to share my coming out with , strong, clear, committed and far seeing. Our vision of the future is your present. I am joining you in forming another vision of our future. I will be subscribing and contributing. To the people who are disappointed in the gay community, follow this guy and learn how to change yourself and things around you. We've got this if we are together.
My mom came to my house just when I was playing your video I was able to let her watch Your one of the only people I wasn't worried about. No need for pre-screening She said I was expecting something different from such a sexy guy but we both agreed on your points After, I thought it's sad that people aren't expecting a good looking gay guy to be intelligent Your so right people are put into groups and too many just play the part and we never find out who they really are.
i have a mom, so i can relate
Robotictacosauce,
but my mom was often more like the betrayed little girl of 7 years of age, whose dad accused her mother of having an affair claiming my mom was not her daughter, divorced his wife leaving my mom a single child to be raised by a divorcee as of 1941 until 1946 when she remarried a man with whom she would bear like 12 or so children; so then as a result my mom from the time she was 13, after being a single child for 6 years, became her mother's "assistant" helping take care of the half brothers and sisters that were added every year. When my mom as a teenager worked outside the home, her paycheck was used to take care of her siblings which unfortunately caused my mom, whom I am sure did care for her new siblings, nonetheless became hardened resentful and bitter toward her mother, feelings my mom repressed rather than expressed to overcome which is why she was mostly emotionally unavailable to her 5 children, except on the rare occasions when we'd see the carefree little girl who felt loved by her "daddy" until he utterly abandoned her when she was seven.
I only learned of the details of the divorce through my sister in law. The only short story I heard mom tell of her dad, was how much she loved it when he would take her to the ballgame and buy her an ice cream and one other tale she once told was when she once wondered out loud about her dad : "Who knows how many half brothers and sisters I have around this town" implying that her dad was more than a little acquainted with some of the females in the neighborhood he moved to after, or perhaps even before, the divorce.
I only met him once or twice when we visited him and his 2nd wife and their children, so apparently there was enough of reconciliation between my mom and her dad which he byway of allowing her to visit with her husband and children, acknowledged that she was his daughter after all, but I do not believe it made up for the damage his behavior did to the formative years of her life from 7 through adulthood, when he refused to see her.
Considering her experience, and despite her emotional absenteeism, in hindsight I say my mom, along with my dad who was equally if not more emotionally unavailable, did very well raising 5 children without any help from their parents but for the hands-on help provided by my paternal grandmother, another woman whose husband left her, in the early 60's, alone with one of 4 son's still dependent on parents: my grandma and uncle, both of whom moved in with my mom and dad whom had just then recently mortgaged their first house; my dad being the eldest son of that divorce.
My uncle lived with my mom and dad until he married in 1963 or 64. My g-mom moved out in 1970, my first big "5 year old's" heartbreak and bitter taste of a kind of death, though at that time, I was unaware of the deep affect her leaving had on me and I have no doubt did play a part in what used to be an unquenchable thirst for attention and affection especially in my late teens through late 30's. By time I was in my forties I was just so worn out from the chase for attention and affection that the search, fortunately waned becoming less and less time and resource consuming.
My mom referred to her mother-in-law as her savior, stating on several occasions that she did not know how they, mom and dad with 5 children under 13, would have made it without my g-mom's help at that time.
Salute sojourners passing through this natural world until crossing the hour every generation will have crossed and departed out of this natural world leaving behind the years then good as dead but for the hope of eternal life.
This hit the nail right on the head...and I needed to hear this to confirm how I’ve been feeling. It’s so difficult as a young adult to be gay because it can feel like there’s no guidance.
This is why I have never been with anyone or been any part of the community. I am nearly 30 and honestly don't care anymore.
Why would it be mature to stay friends with someone after a relationship break up. If I tell someone I love them (as in relationship) I mean it, I don't mean they're just ok for now. Love, for me means a long term commitment. If someone makes a long term commitment to me and doesn't keep it, I don't want that person in my life.
Frank Wilson I'm friends with one ex. I always want him in my life. I love him and he loves me. Some people can love you with all their heart, but they are still who they are. I could not continue in a relationship with him, but I love having him as my friend. I have one ex I would love to see in the obituaries (ok, just kidding), I never want to see him again!
David R. Nelson that’s understandable, I think most of us would have that one special person who didn’t work out as a lover but we love anyway and want to remain friends, the issue I have is with some guys who go through “relationships” like I go through underwear and keep all these countless exes around. Or when they call every hook up every one night stander a friend... I wouldn’t be able to commit to a guy like that.
I totally agree Frank.
And sometimes it's hard to be friends with someone who you have been so close to. My last long relationship was 3 years and the best. It was honestly a wonderful experience for both of us but some issues became too difficult to pass and we broke up but still very much loving toward each other. It has been 10 years and we have recently started talking on social media. He is happy and married and I have changed dramatically but I still feel a closeness to him that would make it difficult to be just friends. One day perhaps but it certainly wasn't something we could do immediately.
Thiago Hee I know what you mean! People confuse the dating process and the development of a relationship. I've dated and I had a six year committed, monogamous relationship. Two different things.
I couldn't agree with you more. We don't get to go through are adolescents like straight people. They get so much more relationship experience than gay men do. I know when I got out of high school I was very immature emotionally. We don't accepts ourselves so we project that hurt onto other people. I'm happier now that I'm older and focus on things that I like.
I agree, I never met gay people until I was in college and it was such a different experience...
I think you hit it on the nail , I remember when I went to a gay bar for the firs time at the age of 18 , it was like being born again , but that feeling didn't last forever and by the time I was 25 the honeymoon was over , but during that time period there was not a lot of growth in my life , just a lot of trying to find the right guy which never happened , being gay is not easy , and this is just the first thing you discussed.
If your gay, you can still be a man. Don't let sexuality define your masculinity. You don't have to act feminine to show your gay. Im straight and I be questioning my manhood everyday all the time. So I kinda know where yall are coming from. You can still be man. Have faith bro
awe..pretty boy problems yes i know
Todd Krough right? hahaha I have thousands of followers drooling over my shirtless pics but people shouldnt judge me lol ridiculous
omg this is SO real. thanks for showing light to this topic!
im real, so i can relate
Another thing that happened to me is that I feel like I got made fun of by other gay guys for not ever really coming out and not being super confident and outgoing.
Thank you so much for saying this. These are all things I struggled with for years, and once I was able to look past all these things, I found life to be much easier to live. I feel like a lot of these are taboo topics in the gay community, and yet I see so many friends and acquaintances struggling with these issues. It's nice to see somebody talking about it, because I really believe that these are such valuable lessons to learn.
Ageism is important too. Obsession with perfection/youth is another (my own at least). Sigh,.
I have hope for the younger generation tho. We lost a lot of good people to give you the gay lives you enjoy now. Once the thrill of being out wears off, i hope you all make things better for us as a community. 👍👍
Thank fuck he's gay. There'd be no girls for us dudes otherwise.
nothing mentioned about racism???? really??
whenstarseclipse now you know better
Why would he? Racism isn't unique, or even especially present, among gays.
White supremacy is at the core of the gay culture.
Homonormativity, for those who don't know, is what happened when the lgbtq+ community appropiated the concepts of heteronormativity, and twisted it in such a way as to say that the more you are performing in a heteronormative manner, the better off you will be, for any number of sociocultural reasons; read "Covering" by kenji yoshino, and "Why I Am Not Talking To White People About Race" by Reni Eddo-Lodge, and see what's really happening
um. no.
thank you for posting this. you hit home on so many issues. as someone who had never "fit in" to the mainstream gay scene and culture and feels somewhat underrepresented and looked down upon in some ways superficially by the gay community. I am appreciative that someone took the time to address these issues objectively. thank you
Loved this video (along with all your other videos tbh). I've been thinking about exclusion a lot lately. A lot of people, in my experience, will defend listing their preferences in their profiles (no fems/no asians etc) arguing that they're allowed to have preferences. While I agree with this, I don't like the fact that they're putting it out there and furthering the marginalization of demographics that aren't the dominant. Just something I wanted to share
I actually said the same thing about the "adolescent reset" in my video about open relationships. It kinda sucks because it's like dealing with adults that act like children. It's so true though. Gay guys have to "re-learn" and evaluate their emotional limits.
In all fairness, this made a lot of sense . I just hope that we learn from these things and not be a hypocrite when we encounter such situations in the future
I thought this was going to talk about a bit more serious issues, like the massive amount of racism, sexism, ableism and transphobia in a community that is supposed to be very open to anyone and accepting, but I guess not.
the racism is real :/
i have thoughts, so i can relate, and some issues, like my dad beating me
RoboticTacoSauce IF I FIND UR ASS IN ANOTHER COMMENT WHILE IM SCROLLING SAYING U CAN RELATE, I'LL BE ME AND U!! 👊👌👐
He isn't obligated to talk about every sigle issue in the community. He talks about his own experience. Jeez.
SJW
Competitive? It's so judgemental and hypocritical and superficial
As an older Irish gay man in the U.K. 22 years I totally agree
So beautiful all that sounds... Most of the people commenting and even those bringing up issues in the gay community are the same ones having their profiles with the heavy tags. No blacks, no Asians, No fats, no fems. 🙄🙄🙄
Hi Barrett, Why are gay men restricted to just masculine and feminine? Non-gay men are not restricted this way. You have regular guy, masculine guy, jock guy, effeminate guy, sportsman guy among other types: all straight male types. Why are gay men only restricted to two types, either you are masculine or feminine? This is very oppressive. We must allow variety within the gay male community; or else, the community falls apart.
+sage4now Ty I completely agree
I love how you addressed the idea of duality when it comes to "masculine/feminine"... And also how we need to stop separating each other based on "look". It's so juvenile and does not service the greater good in terms of finding romance or long-lasting love.
I think we are controlled by our biology. Guys are geared towards focusing on looks, and then there is the homophobic bias we are taught. Sadly that is what dictates behavior in the male gay community.
Try being gay and Asian in the USA. It will really be an eye opener. Anyhow, I do enjoy your posting.
im asian, so i can rleate
RoboticTacoSauce I saw a comment of urs saying ur white so u can relate, Y are u lying WHAT RACE ARE U!?!? (just scroll up a little)
Black and gay here so I get it.
Barrett has done a great job at articulating his concerns and views about the "community." I have some thoughts in response. These are _my_ views from _my_ experiences. 2:05 Divisions in the community hurt us but it's not a gay thing. Humans have a predisposition towards tribalism. We gravitate towards what is familiar to ourselves. 2:30 Brotherhood and camaraderie with other gay guys is what I want to find. I won't hold your breathe on that, though. It's impossible to share a sense brotherhood with guys who see themselves as more female than male. It's impossible to share a sense of brotherhood with "dominate top" guys who see everything as either "top" or "bottom." I understand the stigma of being a feminine boy. It can be hell on earth. If I saw anyone, feminine boys included, being bullied or bash, I'd do what I could to help them. However, I want to spend time with guys. I want a relationship with a guy. I'm not talking about dominate, hyper-masculine guys but guys who like being guys and are also unafraid to express affection and compassion. 3:00 I think you've oversimplified the problem. If someone walks up to me in a dress, wearing makeup and acting feminine, I won't be sexually attracted to that person. I don't know how to share a sense of brotherhood with someone who wants to play the role of my sister or my wife.
Thanks Barrett! We need more people like you who examine community and societal issues which divide us. You Rock!
Imagine second adolescence at age 48 after 36 years in the closet. The hormones even started surging like they did in 1978. Unfortunately, being hefty and living in rural Maine, there was no real outlet for that energy.
:-( Still alone 3 years later. :-(
Kevin, how hefty are you?
6'0" 275lbs... down from 310 lbs before came out.
For sure your size /weight is not the issue. So being alone it has to do with where you live and your social life. If you are near Chicago I'd love to meet you and hang out.
David Lp definitely has to do with where he lives but his size is an issue as well. Have you been on any of these gay dating apps??!! It's all about looks. most of the guys on a lot of these apps are in their 20s and cute with great bodies; so if you're not (at least) somewhat good looking and look like you frequent the gym, then good luck! Plus he's approaching 50!!, which in the gay community is basically a senior citizen. And the over 40 guys on these sites that do have the aforementioned looks and body, they don't want other over 40 guys, they want younger. The whole thing sucks but that's just the reality of it. But with all that said I wish him luck coz he sounds like a nice guy.
6" X 275 is NOT very large. Barely large. I have never dated an Adonis or anything in that realm. Sure I thought they were VGL but that was my opinion. In other words: there is a lid for EVERY pot. There are sites for guys over 40. In the community life is over at 30. Beyond that dating is way more civilized and NOT just sex. I date a 32 years old and I hang out with people well beyond that age.
I already gave up on the community. I literally feel more accepted in my Catholic parish, with my family members and friends (they know I like men), than in the gay community. I only get on Grindr, have hookup every two to three months and then go on with my life and I am happier than ever. My social niche is not the gay community and my biggest mistake was thinking that I had to fit in.
Truth!! Whenever I see "masc" on dating apps..well.. of course I mean Grindr haha, I just shake my head and pray for humanity.
+knurdisms don't pray for humanity, dont engage with stupidity, honor yourself and what it is you are really looking for while on grindr
i can masc, so i can relate
Nothing but trash
is it not ok for straight guys to like butch women? Its the exact same as men not liking feminised men, not going to change it mary.
Grindr and bubble or hook up apps. Match Black People Meet andE Harmony are actually dating sites. You have to pay for a subscription to join. Different quality of people.
Barrett, when I first subscribed to your channel, it was because you were cute and funny bit after seeing you talk about these issues that plague our community, I am so impressed by your mature perspective on these very real issues. Especially as you are part of an industry that focuses on little else than the superficial and it is SO easy to ignore the realities of others because they don't really affect you. I have just become a fan and not just another subscriber. Kudos!
But*
You are absolutely correct. You are indeed wise. If it were possible to do so, your video should be seen by every gay person, young, old and in between. I look forward to your videos.
The separation never existed in the early nineties, all were going to same venues in those days. All flavas of gay
your bf must be the luckiest guy in the world
I've witnessed plenty of misogyny whilst on the gay scene. I've heard gay men call women "fish" or "I can smell fish". It's not on. It's wrong. I've seen racism too. Perversely... Bottom shaming is also part of gay culture and that is just plain homophobia! Anyone who participates in these fields is a hypocrite and needs to shed this crap. There is no place in the world for hate of any kind.
Anastacio Bachez Moran You ignore misogyny. Why?
Anastacio Bachez Moran Misogyny is the hatred of women.
Anastacio Bachez Moran I have no idea what you're talking about
Love everything about this video except that you did not talk about racism and prejudices in the community
And you're surprised cause why? Even the lgbt community is anti-black.
I’m not surprised which is the sad part. Even these lgbt ppl that go on RUclips and preach on faux love and respect for everyone are the same ones that reject and are mistreating anyone different from themselves.
I wish people would quit saying community. A tribal village (almost completely eradicated as "primitive" by arrogant and avaricious whites - I'm white, just owning our crimes - ) is a community and a VERY high level of society. We know almost nothing about community (or even society for that matter), all too freaking busy and stressed. There was a gay community when gays were dropping like flies but now HIV is "manageable" (and not coincidentally a mostly black problem) it's gone.
That said, your commentary is pointed and accurate. Thank you.
I agree with you and it's very insightful. I think ex-es should remain just that. Too often they are brought into the equation when dating someone else and that is not healthy for a relationship, again it depends on the situation but in general, one just doesn't. All kinds of interpretations are made when this happens and I think we need to be mature about our commitment to our partners, if your partner has a problem with having your ex around and you value your relationship, it's wise to listen and avoid what makes them uncomfortable OR it's the easiest way out of your relationship.
You are absolutely right about the sub-categorisation of gay men causing a great deal of angst and compounding feelings of self-loathing. Unfortunately these divisions discourage a lot of gay men from exploring who they are as they give up because of the pressure and this can be psychologically destructive. Not surprising the suicide rate amongst gay men is so high when you are experiencing disapproval and oppression all around you. It get's better, well maybe not!
love the message you're delivering. keep it up!
i have the ability to love, so i can relate
The biggest problem is the gay community judge's other people way to much. If your not as good looking as other men. If your short. If you do not have a large package or large bank account your laughed at and never loved. That is why I never find anybody
Thank god, that you are gay :))))!!
+enkii82 haha, I dont know who to thank but I think its a good thing too
+Barrett Pall Call me maybe! :)
I am sorry my friend, even though, in a certain way, i am sexual attracted to guys, i do not think it is a good thing. It is a pain.
Trust me, women are no easier. In-fact I can tell you its quite a losing proposition.
Also.... to a large extent the internet has ruined the gay community. It's yet another outlet where we can reject and/or be cruel to one another.
What brands sheets are those? Great video!
+Gary Pevas Threadexperiment.com
LOL. Now there's a deep thinker...love it...
Very insightful. I’ve found that it’s been like this for decades, but my personal experience is that it had also become worse since the inception of social media.
I completely agree
but i beat you don't hang out with twinks or bears
Evanescent my friends range in color, age, body types, sexuality and everything in between
I'm old, but not that old, not a daddy. I'm certainly not young, I'm not a twink. I'm fat, but not that fat, not a chub. I have hair on my chest but not that much, I'm not a bear. And I wish that I had a group that I could identify as. As much as that sounds nonsensical, that's how I feel. I just don't seem to belong. I feel very alone. I disagree that the segregation of the different characteristics of tribes of men creates separation. I think it gives guys a "clan" to be a part of. It does pain me how cruel and heartless LGBTQ often express themselves to be. I would promote compassion and consideration as a possible priority for communication and discussion. Thanks for letting me share.
This is such an insulated "privileged" expression of views. While some of these are issues in the gay "community", they equate to a first world white male perspective. There are far more pressing issues like racism, sexual segregation and the whole idea of the gay "community" in the first place.
Agreed with you on this. This video is more focused on body image and the labels/attitudes associated within the culture. I'll take this dude more seriously when he features the real marginalized people in gay culture. Guest starring male models in his vids (obviously white) like himself is not helping his case for a "gay brotherhood".
Don’t hold your breath Chad.
At least it’s a start. Anyway, any one of us can only speak from our own lived experience. And he is self-aware enough to say upfront that they were his lived opinions. Let’s support him as part of ‘the brotherhood’, rather than criticise his efforts to improve an appalling situation. Try re-listening without looking at his handsome Western face, and you might hear the wisdom and potential for good in his voice.
its so sad when a guy gets a positive result...
Of being infected with feminism!
yawn
I wish there were more people like you that exist. I feel that a lot of people I come across in the LGBTQ+ space don't understand this. I feel that either I'm ages ahead of my time or a majority of the community just isn't ready to grow up. It's incredibly frustrating in so many ways because to a some I come across as "internally homophobic" or shaming when in reality, I'm incredibly depressed about the state of the community. I remember back in 2010-11 when I was very young (around 11) and told nobody about my attraction to men. I had this vision of one day loving another man and being able to live a remarkable and incredible life together. Fast forward to the end of this decade, I look around me and feel beyond hopeless. As a college student, hookup culture is an extraordinary factor, and unfortunately it makes matters more unfortunate for myself because recently I have discovered that I am romantically attracted to primarily masculine men. Contradictory this is, however I hate how we've divided ourselves into categories and groups, not to mention categories and groups that I myself don't even fit into. In a romantic sense I've always wanted nothing more than to love another man, but with the state of the world and my bad luck, I just can't help but think that it'll never happen.
billy Crawford I couldn’t have said that better myself. It’s very foreign and an individual concept to me knowing that I appear and sound more masculine than a lot of gay men but nevertheless attracted to the same entity. Not only that but I have noticed some of these patterns that you mention. I think I’ve had my fair share of awful experiences with the community. Two years ago I was coerced into an abusive relationship with a borderline / sociopath and as a result I’ve suffered severe psychological trauma. Gratefully, most of that has faded with time, experiences, and a fuckton of exercise but nevertheless it still shapes how I view things. I had another boyfriend after that but the relationship just never really worked out for either of us after a certain period of time, and he was going away for college at that point so we deemed it pretty pointless. I’ve done a lot of research on the community and why it is the way it is, and have come to the conclusion that what I’m looking for is something that probably doesn’t exist. I’ve had a lot of experiences this year that have made me realize that I’m actually able to love myself (haven’t actually felt that for the past 10 years of my life for many reasons (Parents’ difficult and rough divorce, childhood trauma, etc.) but that feeling is incredible. When you realize that there is no emotional dependency on someone else it goes a long way. However you have to get there. At this point in many cases it’s almost like I don’t even want a relationship because a lot of these lifelong, philosophical questions that I’ve been asking have been answered in myself. I’m not one to really go on dates or trust really anyone in the community at all so I wouldn’t be too concerned about that. I’ve been fucked over one too many times and would prefer to just never go back there. Recognizing warning signs and red flags go a long way, and unfortunately they are no rarity in this community. This is obvious but it’s extremely difficult falling into the mindset of not trusting anyone as a result of your experiences. But realistically what can you do in a community plauged with untrstworthiness? Unfortunately I don’t know the answer to that. On the other side I have found some amazing people online who have been my friends for quite some time.It’s a long, difficult road in this world especially if you’re looking for a soulmate in purely unrealistic circumstances. Maybe better experiences await, but for now I’m more than good with myself and that’s something that can’t be taken away from me at this point. Wish you luck with everything, it’s an insane world we live in.
When i saw this title i KNEW racism wouldn't make the list
Stefan Stuart why would it ? And what are you founding to be racist ?
'Gay community' is a misnomer. Most people belong to many different overlapping communities. Being a member of a 'gay community' where the only requirement for membership is same-sex attraction is like belonging to a closed religious cult. What builds strength in a 'gay community' is the activities you engage in and the relationships you build during the time when you are NOT engaged in getting laid.
Your best video.
Whether a person is "masculine" of "Feminine" it makes no difference.Since you live in a FREE COUNTRY NO ONE CAN FORCE YOU TO DO ANYTHING YOU DONT WANT TO DO.ALSO NO ONE CAN FORCE YOU TO BE WITH ANYONE YOU DONT WANT TO BE WITH.IF YOU WANT TO BE IN CHARGE OF YOUR OWN LIFE YOU CAN DO THAT WHAT EVER SEX YOU ARE AND WHATEVER SEX YOU ARE LIKE.YOU DONT LIVE IN AN ISLAMIC STATE.
Please add: "biggest problems in the gay community from a white gay's perspective". thanks.
im white so i can relate
I really wonder what you actually meant here. Among gays, black dudes always will take top billing.
top billing in what? choosing a B ball team? knowing where to buy the best BBQ? This argument is fundamentally stupid. as human beings, we are all attracted to like.
In the west, caucasians make up the majority of the population. that has larger ramifications. That means the likelihood they own the publishing houses, own the bars, clubs restaurants. Even those who produce porn here in the west are most likely white.
If you want Asian [porn, or Indian porn or even Maori porn or just smut in general, look to the local producers in your own nations. why look to America?
David Lp, perhaps in your small corner of our world black men are the choice of the day. Not in mine. Nor I imagine in Japan or Australia nor even Romania. Kenya, sure, makes sense. Just don't make assumptions based on your emotional attractions and extrapolate them throughout the rest of the USA.
WOW that depict more your personal views than the average. As to my small corner of the globe it is Chicago and New York city. People my age are not as bigot as older folks like you. BTW the ones that are size queen do enjoy big dicks and that is abundant among black guys NOT whites or any other race. Also most white guys that I know and have grown up with have no distinction among the races. I have been to gay bars in LA, San Diego and in Arizona and never noticed the racism that you describe. That may be your own issue and not a gay thing.
Perhaps, however my experiences are more world wide. I have lived 5 years or more in Tokyo, Berlin, Frankfurt, London, Seattle, San Francisco and now Texas.
To be more specific, I have never yet met a couple whose long term relationship was based on the size of a penis.
You have blinders on if you assume I am suggesting racism is the norm. I am saying that we tend to associate with those who we determined were attractive at an early age. Look at the groups w/n the gay community. Now that is an alphabet.
No matter where, what kind of club or bar, no matter if its a white, black or red party, we all self segregate.
I accept your claim in being young, and having a limited experience, time will take care of that issue. Where we disagree is that I find it impossible to look at the community and see equity. Racism exists, not always based on hatred, but more often based on comfortability.
That needs more then just time, it requires self honesty. these comments are not about scoring points. it is all about honesty, for w/o it, nothing can be learned.
are all male models gay or do only gay models make youtube videos?
Too bad he totally missed racism,lol.
'Brotherhood' is not going to happen. Most good looking gay men always look after number one and aren't in the slightest bit interested in anything but themselves. Everything has to be compartmentalized now. Boys growing up shouldn't have to worry about their sexuality. By 16 you know what you are and then act on it. Wait until the right man comes along and you'll have a great life. Don't believe all this hype about sharing or not going out to meet guys. Don't go on grindr it's a good way of guys to recce your home and see where you keep your valuables! There are many legit sites but fewer clubs to meet guys.
When you said brotherhood I was like finally someone brought my thoughts to light
I’m a 49-year-old gay man, I was born, grew up, and I’ve spent all of my life here in Toronto, one of the most gay friendly cities on earth, but the gay community itself I despise, because it is so shallow/superficial/vein, where are your looks are your license, and if you don’t act like a clone and dressed like everyone else you are completely ignored. I have never been one to follow popular trends, and because of that, you would not believe the amount of criticism given to me by complete strangers. I have absolutely no hesitation and telling them off, Because I have no tolerance for ignorance or stupidity. I’ve always been in and out going person, and will say hello to a complete stranger just because I was raised knowing that that’s the right thing to do. Not so in Toronto is gay community, because God for bid you actually talk to somebody if you’re not as good looking as they are. There are so many arrogant stuck up assholes in our community it staggers me. I’m not bragging, but I’m 6 feet tall, blonde hair blue eyes and 170 pounds of solid lean muscle. I don’t do that to get attention, I do it because I want to keep my body healthy, yet no matter where we go, we being my spouse and I, we receive so much negative attention, my spouse is a big guy, he’s my height but it’s also 260 pounds. When we first met 30 years ago, we are both skinny Twinks, but now that we’re older, well, my hubby hasn’t aged as well as I have, and incredible audacity some people is disgusting. Again, complete strangers will come up to me and say why are you with that fat pig, and I’m not kidding people of actually said that to me, instead of answering with my know if I preferred to do so with my fist, I’ve caused more than a few black guys, if they want to extol their ignorance in public, it better be prepared for the response, because I absolutely refuse to take any disrespect, from these scrawny, crackhead Twinks with the IQ of a fruit fly! God I sound negative don’t I? But I have reason to be that way, as anybody who’s lived a long time and are gay community will tell you, attitude and vanity are the two things we have in abundance unfortunately, and I will not tolerate either one. So we moved away from the community along time ago, and are much happier, I absolutely despise the gay community, they bring the word bitch to a whole new level. I’ll wear whatever I choose to wear, and I’ll marry whoever the hell I want to marry, no scrawny little queen is going to say anything to me unless they enjoy physical pain! My partner and I attended dozens of protest fighting for our rights back in the 80s and 90s, my generation paved the way for all the rights and freedoms that this current generation enjoys without even thinking about it. They have no clue that had it not been for us, there would be no way in hell they could stroll down the street holding hands without being arrested or attacked. It’s about time the gay community Stop being so goddamn judge mental and superficial, and begin to be grateful for those that came before them, without whom they could not live the life that they do!
It seems like being gay is a young man's game, young gay people tend to look for other young gays and older gays also tend to look for young gays
I’ll share this from my 51 years as a gay man: ‘gay brotherhood’ eluded me too, until I brought together a group of likeminded men all interested in yoga. Maybe it takes a second common interest to help a group of same sex attracted guys to bond and start caring about each other?
i have a serious question ... how big of an issue is incontinence within the gay community ? i heard that males' sphincter is not as elastic as females' sphincter and loses the ability to be a reliable shutter Ok i am about to try a prostate massager ... i ask for this I am worried about possible irreversible damages to the sphincter
Incontinence is not nice at all
Of course he did not face the biggest problem that roils vast majority of gays : racism.
And that poses the real question : if the word "community" is applicable to the group.
Second biggest problem would be : the community is one big sex club. There is obvious sexual undertone to bloody EVERYTHING in the scene.
A friend of mine who was gorgeous, movie-star handsome, fabulous body, once confessed to me that he had low self-esteem. I was furious. I said, "You have no RIGHT to low self-esteem. I have the right to low self-esteem!" He laughed but was probably speaking the truth about himself anyway.
More than a brotherhood. I belonged to an LGBTQ community in a small city in a conservative rural area where, surprisingly, loads of people were out. Yeah, sometimes I’d attend an all woman gathering (mostly by women in the closet), and my male friends attended all male events. And sometimes my partner and I were the only female couple invited to an event. My best friends were a gay male couple (we had breakfast, lunch, or dinner together at least 2 times a week). Our community did things together-from throwing the dances we never had, to self improvement, to advocacy. We also would throw and attend parties that included our straight friends, who were usually transplants from the west coast or a big city. Bears hanging out with Queens, etc. Everyone was welcome because we were such a small minority.
I think I was spoiled coming out in this community. I don’t know what it’s like now as I moved out of country years ago. What was most difficult for me-and perhaps why my best friends were men-is how possessive so many women were of their partners. I don’t get it. It’s better to trust your partner and just relax… not everyone is out to get your partner. Also, I don’t like the separation of men and women so much. I don’t get that either.
The first point (or second?) is very true. Throughout our infancy and adolescence we don't get to have normal first experiences with hook ups and first kiss or whatever, because we're in that stage of life where we're not independent and therefore not free to do whatever we want; also the fear of judgement from your peers that at that young age are very clildish and mean influences you a lot. So I have this feeling, including myself, that once we come into adulthood we all kinda feel like kids when they get the chance to have the whole house for themselves for a night for the first time, and you're all so excited that you can't even set a plan of things to do, you just go around wanting to do the craziest stuff that you never could and end up somehow hurting yourself or realizing at the end that you haven't done anything consistently funny at all. I guess it's because of the fact that we never had those moments and once we get the chance to potentially have all of them at once, we can't seem to function properly and to figure out how to handle them. You got this feeling that you wanna keep up with all of those years that yiu haven't done anything and you end up completely dissatisfied or disgusted with the process.Not to mention the well known fact of the pressure of being perfect and all that, just recently I can feel a cry for authenticity also in the gay community. There's a whole crazy ass lot of work still to do to improve our community, especially after centuries of being neglected, hurt and excluded from what is considered to be normal, so I guess why it's not that easy and why it is gonna take a long time. I just hope that in a not too far away future there's a society where straights and gays are completely and totally equal, that the lines and borders and all these labels will be gone; cause at the end of the day you're not just straight, gay, lesbian, bi, trans, asexual or whatever, there are so so many other ways of just "living" or "being" that doesn't necessarily put you in a category.. there's plenty of stories of straight people who have fallen for gays and similar things, what really matters is the soul of a person, you don't fall in love with their gender or sexuality, just with the person per se. Just gonna end it here cause it's already too long but these have been thoughts going on in my head recently and writing them down feels so good.
I feel you on the ex thing. My Ex and I broke up after 6 months. We have started hanging out and me and his ex after me are now friends too. I find it healthy that all three of us are mature enough to befriend each other and be there for one another. The main thing that brought me and my ex back to talking was the loss of my dog after 16 year. He was going through his older dog being sick and it helped us to open up and talk to each other. It was also nice to have him there to comfort me during it. The problem I keep hearing from people is that they keep asking if we are gonna date again. NO, Been there and it didn't work. Tho I won't say no forever because we could have just been in different points in our lives and later in life it may happen again but I am also not going to force anything.
What Barrett says about the gay community is much like a big elephant in a tiny room that everyone knows and ignores comfortably. It really takes me many years to truly be myself and completely get off such competition. After crossing this boundary, it only makes me feel so much better about myself and no longer live the shadow created by others and myself. It is true for us, realising our own sexuality is like a second birth, we need to grow and learn again as we have never been told how to socialise with other gays, how to deal with gay relationships, how to cope with our own fears etc. It is a bumpy road that we cannot refuse and have to go through.
Thank you so much for posting this and not writing an article so people from all countries can find this information easily. You are articulate and opinionated and that's is refreshing to see in a youtuber. After a while, funny videos get boring if they don't offer something more.
Breaking up into sub-groups is not a bad thing. It’s overwhelming when the group is too big. Intimacy is more available in small groups that we can personally identify with. The problem comes when a group becomes “tribal” and start judging and being critical of other groups.
That's so true!!! I never came out. Once I was independent, I brought my love to hangout with the fam, lol. Sometimes, I have to prove to ppl that I am gay. They always say, " but you don't act gay", eventually ( sometimes after years) they get it. I love the detailed way you speak. I just subscribed and am looking forward to more of your content!!! Stay well and Blessed!!!💝
Forty-five years ago, I came out my first year of graduate school. Most of my straight peers had been dating since high school. It was difficult to keep up studies while exploring a gay social life. Another of my friends who did the same thing at a more distinguished university never finished his degree. Hopefully today's LGBTQ+ have more opportunities to come out earlier and start dating in high school. In my time, a gay student who risked coming out to another could potentially be expelled. Today, fortunately, my high school has a Gay-Straight Alliance.
As a gay dude, I totally appreciate this talk and hope all you have discussed here becomes a conversation met on a larger scale within the community. You bring to light some excellent talking points that deserved deep debate. Keep it coming.
it's a rough road being gay - i think we're stronger and much more courageous than we give ourselves credit for ... it's just too bad that there isn't the cohesion that we really need to ensure that there's more support and bolstering than what we get
This video aged very well.
You touched on some very important topics that I have witnessed and experienced numerous of times. I do agree when you mentioned how we need to work on becoming a "brotherhood" versus trying to compete among each other which results to us breaking up into several sub-groups. This video was definitely food for thought. Thanks for sharing.
“NO FAT, NO FEM, SLIM ONLY, NO WHITE, NO OLD, WHITE ONLY. Did I mention no fatties? Sorry” in a nutshell
It amazes me that you have this ability to present such troubling subjects within our community with such clarity. Great Job!
I’m really curious if y’all have the same issue with lopsided power differentials, power flexes, entitlement, and arrogance that straight couples have?
I’m not sure if you are familiar with it, but I mean the laundry lists of things you gotta be and do in order to be good enough to be in a relationship. Is there anything like that in gay dating? Is it as toxic as straight dating is becoming?
This video is 4 years old, but I don't know if you're gonna read this. But thanks for that. When I first came out, I fabricated this reality, lost who I was, and became bitter and jaded because of what I experienced in the gay community and victimized myself. I really hated the person I was becoming. 7 years later, now I realized how much love there is in life. It's okay to say no and to stand up for your values. And it's okay to walk away and make better friends - no matter who they are.
Barrett: Powerful video. It really was. I was like he is really on it in this video! You are speaking about the issues we all face. People have commented on several issues you did not cover already. Ageism is a big issue too. You did a great job with this video and may you continue to address different subjects in your videos. Thank you.
The stages of modern gay life: 1) Hell (growing up gay in a straight world). 2) Heaven (coming out and running wild). 3) Burn out (learning that the party scene is oh-so-empty). 4) Lost (searching for meaning, purpose, identity). 5) Make-or-Break (either finding stability and contentment or self-destructing).
Yes. Yes. Yes. And more YES! Your analysis of the gay community is spot on! These are some of the major issues facing our community and we need to talk about it more! We need to build a brotherhood the way women have and the way people of color have.
I am shocked... You speak my mind! I thought that I was alone, but really alone! I am so relieved... Your video and blog are really helpful to me. Finally I do not have to watch/read something related to the gay community which does not necessarily refer to acceptance of stereotype! Thank Pal
I’m leaving this comment to simply thank you for your honesty and transparency. I’m a straight black man living in San Francisco who is attempting to better understand gay culture, both the good and the bad. Being born in SF I’ve always been “next-door” but I’ve never really wrapped my mind around the complexity of the community. I have adopted terms like “bear” From my gay friends and always felt a little perplexed by these labels and inherently found them discomforting.
I consider myself ally of the community. So all I can say is thank you for the insight and honestly.