Gay Loneliness & The Grindr Hookup Culture
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- Опубликовано: 3 окт 2024
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Today on the show we’re discussing what makes gay and lesbian people feel more lonely than straight people and what makes our community fall into a culture of hookups and one-night-stands (using apps like #Grindr) more often than our straight counterparts.
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UPDATE: This was recorded years ago but soon after this episode aired, I met a man named Michael on Grindr and we started dating. We later got married in 2023 and have an exclusive, monogamous relationship so it is possible to find on that app.
Here is an episode explaining how we met on the app: ruclips.net/video/42vWSWKJAU4/видео.html
And here is our wedding video: ruclips.net/video/dKU4VtuGXkU/видео.htmlsi=KUGfBEn_-pxi9zNe
Congratulations 🎉 & All the best ❤❤
yeah ofc but it’s literally looked down on, no matter how you look for it, to look for an actual romantic relationship and you’re weak for having any sort of feelings toward a hookup
anyway congrats but im glad im early to this comment… please no one install grindr ever
Yeah I was hoping for that too. I know as gay men, we don't have an easy way of finding each other. Even being on Grindr asking for a relationship shouldn't be looked down upon, because some areas, that's all you have when trying to find someone else.
I was with my first real boyfriend for nearly 7 years and I also met him on Grindr.
The sad thing is that, it seems that the gay community doesn't really like to talk about the problems we have within the gay community.
Well here on our show, we aren’t afraid to talk about anything. And if you have any suggestions on what we can talk about, we do take viewer ideas.
True. It's one of the many reasons I'm not on the community. Slightest criticism is often pushed away with the ultimate argument of you "having internalized homophobia" or being "too heteronormative". Not being into Casual Sex, polyarmory, Grindr etc. can get you shunned as a homophobe and it's absolutely ridiculous, toxic and harming. I'm seriously waiting for someone claiming that gay marriage is homophobic or too "normative" because open relationships are the only legit form of relationships for gay people.
@@PoweredByRainbows I'd suggest a video on the concept of open relationships, both the upsides and downsides for couples, and the idea it gives young impressionable gays about relationships (assuming that they have to be open)
That's because that community is forever pointing their fingers screaming at the straight community ESPECIALLY those transwomen but they cant get along at all and sometimes be the reason a lot of them get hurt or worse
I wonder too that sometimes that we as the gay community are worried that if we do point out the flaws within our own community that the right wingers will try to use that against us when in reality everybody has their flaws and pros and cons but we just get judged more harshly for them simply because of who we are.
I think the problem is that hook up apps like Grindr are addictive, it’s like a slot machine that can give you sex at any time. Sex can be wonderful, but I think the problem we aren’t talking about is that many men are now addicted to sex, either through hook up culture or pornography. And they’re substituting a quick high for a loving relationship, which is probably why you see so many open relationships now. Grindr essentially dehumanises men and turns them into a commodity, disposable and exchangeable. After using it for years, I can confirm it is damaging to mental health..
It's a messed up community. It's all about sex. Many gay men are least prepared for any long term relationship. I'm better being alone than to live with a toxic confused guy.
It's quite interesting because straight couples are also getting into this trend. Men seek for other men to be promiscuous with, women want different men to sex with, etc. etc.
@@winnied87 you can't compare gay men with straight women. On dating sites these ladies don't write no pic no reply. This shows that a gay man does not have any other criteria in finding a suitable partner other than looks. Moreover by 40s straight people are out of dating game but gay men always have the pressure to look the best of them. I have almost denounced this community that is very superficial and doesn't see anything beyond a quick sex. Maybe one night stand is okay few times but doing it for years with strangers without ever knowing their names and living double standard lives with fake names is not a sanity for me. As a human being a human interaction is all we need. I don't expect anything from this community anymore. In the name of love , sex is getting sold. People may celebrate pride parades but in the end they lead lonely lives.
Sexting, later ghosting...
In person hookups, later ghosting..
Is it what gay community all about??? Come on!!
I know exactly what you mean. It’s a vicious cycle.
Besides this you want to try more and prove yourself.. and then more.. because they all ghost you
Thats why I give up find someone for more than 10 years. Never had a boyfriend, and i lost my ability to believe in it. And I dont do hookups, so no sex with more than 10 years too. My life sucks because I can find happyness and just live my boring life without love. Sad (I have 34 years old)
THIS! I can't imagine ghosting anyone. Especially someone who actually likes me. Its so strange.
For my lonely gays out there: keep going. Keep living your life, keep an open mind open, keep your eyes focused on what's beautiful about the world, but acknowledge the suffering of it also. My therapist from my past once told me made an analogy about hiking regarding my personal issue, "there's always going to be good berries and bad berries, always pick the good berries." 🌞🌻 Hugs from SF 🌉❤️☮️
Berry, berry insightful ;)
@@petemavus2948 just ma 2 little cents 🙃
Even though my loneliness issues are still strongly there, I still feel more happier now for NOT using Grindr over a year. While I was using it I felt like a freely available prostitute standing in a faceless dark crowd begging them to be my life partners. And that feeling was horrible.
Its absoluetly horrible thats how i felt too 😥 i keep telling myself there's gotta be another way then these apps there has to be 😥.
Proud of you!! Keep it up
What do you do now instead? Especially with a pandemic on. How do you meet people without apps or have you given up for good?
I used Tinder and found it way better than Grindr (but it was just to explore the apps, never met anyone)
I wouldn't give up there are some of us looking for something more. I starting hooking up last year when I came out gay and I don't know how people enjoy this.Using people as sophisticated masturbation toys doesn't feel right to me at all,but it's my only way of meeting other gay men until I move.When I did hook up I tried to make small talk and get to know them,but most of them didn't seem interested in anything but fucking.
I did manage to find some dates there so it's not impossible.If someone like me is searching sooner or later another person wanting the same thing will find me.
I think, the problem is that it's almost impossible to bond with otner gay men besides hookup sex. It's like many of us are guarded and don't want to open up.
It’s not just loneliness. These hook up apps are designed like casino games. There’s a science to it and everything from the trademark grindr yellow to the weird new message sound the app makes . It’s all designed to be addictive , enticing and keeps us coming back for more. These apps are addicting and shopping for men is a huge ego boost. It’s a lot more fun than reading a book before bed. Notice how so many men put up these Adonis like photos on their profile where they look like something they are not and they’re constantly online yet never really hook up? They just go on to collect compliments to boost their ego . This is the selfie generation and technology encourages us to want everything NOW. Grindr is a result of our vanity, obsession with beauty, sex and the glorification of ourselves. It’s very disturbing and nobody seems to care.
Very on point comment, and very sad that we've come to this point
Grindr has an almost monopoly hold because most apps dont market themselves for the lgbti community or are too expensive. grindr has a lot of free features where most other dating apps have limited features and even so Grindr caters for the sex-crazed. i would actually love to bring that app down for the harm they cause. Not just that but grindr is classified wrongly. Its not a DATING app, its a virtual brothel. It should fall under the RX category (porn) and app stores need to obscure it like that. With very little resources for gay kids their first go-to app is Grindr. Frankly, most gay people don't know where else to go (no matter your age). Gay people themselves have often exploited the gay community for personal power or influence or money by creating these apps/ venues etc. and dont give a fackel about the harm.
Very very well said! So insightful
@jmudikun
in a sense I wouldn't say "we".... the culprit is clearly the SHAREHOLDERS of Apps and other exploitative businesses like these. It all comes back to CLASS. We're being used like PAWNS in a game, at any cost to make the Rich richer.... In other words, let's focus the blame where it's deserved i.e. rage against the rich who have created the maze we all crawl through
Couldn't agree more, well said 😊
As an older gay man, I really do feel that all gay dating apps should be banned, as aside from the dangers of meeting someone in real life, they are promoting a culture that is totally unrealistic, aside from the disgusting hookup culture that is cheapening the very concept of sex and human interactions between gay people
Hookups can be fun in the moment, but then it's like, OK, now what? I'm still spending the night alone. It's a brief "high" but it fades quickly. But a solid relationship with an emotionally mature man has proven elusive.
🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
@paulhorn27 You said it so accurately. It really is a brief high and when the high fades away after the moment it feels so awful
I was on the Grindr hellhole cycle and it held me back. It was bad. I’m so glad I was able to quit that, and then I was able to just do things in my life that truly matter. Finished school, got a good job, finally got the Lexus I always wanted, and now I’m independent. I admit it still gets lonely to be single, but I don’t want to go back to those apps. They made me feel terrible.
Same story, ... I tried Grindr, but I was too honest xD I think I even pissed people off, because I would not send any nudes or be some kind of sex-goblin. I'm very lonely but also haver happy to have my sanity and principles.
Being Gay is such a PAIN!!
In my experience/life.
I'm straight edge, Masculine, emotionally available, chill gym rat. Not into the lgbt scene. I live in a nature area suburb between two major cities. Dating sucks, everyone plays games, just wants sex, or lives way too far!!
Turning 30 soon, I've honestly given up on dating. I just hit up grindr from time to time, & come to the conclusion this is what gay life is, sadly.
I live in Europe now, the Netherlands.. and there are many available men, but oh boy isn't it all about sex! It seems like that's what gay culture is all about.. as stereotypical as it seems. And let's not get started on the standards: I'm a a bit of a fem twink/geek and poc: you either get fetishized, are too fem, or too masc for most gay men. That's why I barely pay attention to the gay scene (Grindr) anymore. Dunno why I ranted but I had to 😅
@@nirmalsitaldin4056 Id love to live in Europe, lotta vacation spots!
I swear if I had a Penny for the amount of times I get called Daddy, followed by their wild kinky fantasies 😅
What you just said really speaks to me mate
Can I hook u up with my gay friend? He just got out of the navy and is a handsome nice guy! His snap is smirkcles ❤
@@MrTree93 For sure, but it sucks if you really are looking for more than what you described in your comment: the gay dating scene sucks everywhere.
i hate gay apps, i want a boyfriend. i don’t like multiple partners 🥺
You look cute hmu 😋
@@angel2641 what’s your snap?
@@itsaaronlolz @ramirez0321.wtv
Awwwwww...will be a cute story if it works out❣️
Your a cutie Aaron, wouldn’t mind dating you. What is your IG?
Got rid of all dating apps months ago. I've never felt more free ☺
Gweerrrll I'm about to delete all my profiles and die without a partner. I'm starting to regret being gay. Wish I was straight sometimes. Ugh.
Please help me☹️
@@sazude2 I felt that way before. I thought being gay massively reduced my chances of finding a boyfriend. Then funny enough the day I decided to be happy single, I met my boyfriend a fortnight after. Dont give up! 😀
@@sazude2 I have no idea how i am on this channel now but it's not so easy for the average straight man either but it is for us girls in terms of dating. You guys are usually horny and want sex and it's easier for you guys to understand the same gender. It's usually different in terms of dating for us girls and we deal with different issues in terms of dating. I will admit most females have a lot of options and usually they try and go for the top 5 or so % of men and its rough for the average guy...
@@sazude2 haha true story
As someone who is a gay and very conservative. I will never understand why people like to hookup so bad. Like it makes no sense and it’s not always a good thing to do that.
I hookup for fun and sex, i cant stand relationships and ppl have become ultra selfish and entitled, why would i have to deal with all that crap, even the heteros are tired of that sht, and marriages are plummeted down, u cannot invest your life into other person, relationships ends but the time spent wont be recovered
Guy: **sends heart**
Me: Hi cutie
Guy: Are you a bottom?
Me: **sigh**
Grindr in a nutshell.
I hooked up recently and was left feeling numb / sad / depressed… I too want something more than that. But do any men want to build a relationship together? that seems rare….
I tried hooking up over a dozen times and felt meh. Had two brief relationships and the intimacy was amazing. Look for love but avoid hookup apps
I couldn’t agree with you more on this. I experience depression and loneliness because of these apps that houses these superficial cruel men. I’m usually sad and constantly stressed out because of it. It’s sad that these developers only pushed for one night stands and not building relationships and friendships. I just hope it becomes a thing of the past and people like us can heal properly and find real love.
Literally same. Deactivated mines last year and my life has been way easier since
Haven’t had sex in 3 years. I think the tears have drowned my heart. I don’t even want to be with someone anymore. I wish it wasn’t like that
This deserves way more attention. Thank you for this. ❤️
I only had one Grindr hookup. But what was really happening was me not dealing with the suicide of my best friend, who was my first love.
I am 39, Hispanic, and never felt lonely. I am perfectly comfortable living in my beautiful apartment all by myself. I don't need to be with anyone. I don't waste time on these sex apps. I love myself in every way.
What's your secret?
@Jacobyy V I feel that👆🏾👆🏾👆🏾
@@sammeni2911 I'm not him but I'm in a similar position. (Minus the beautiful apartment 😂) It took me decades of solitude to be comfortable with myself , being alone. I'm so comfortable that I don't even need human contact anymore. My collection of toys take care of my... urges. And hobbies and studies keep my mind occupied and away from stupid thoughts. Some people might find this oh no !!! SO SAD 1!1 !! but it's way better option than what the community offers: cheating, pain, hookups ,being used and thrown away like a toy, tears and neurotic oPeN pOliAmOrY relationships 😂 now THAT'S some truly sad stuff. 💯
This entire video is accurate beyond words, and unfortunately I've found that it's difficult for straight people to understand this, as well as gay men who don't see hookup culture as an inherent problem. I wish that this wasn't such a taboo topic, and I wish more individuals saw the mass inability to secure a gay monogamous relationship within the community as a problem to begin with. Sadly, I think this issue has had some form of manifestation long before Grindr was invented. Grindr just amplified it. the idea of hookup culture has been embedded into gay culture since the sexual liberation of the 70s given that many interactions between men were largely micro and quick to avoid stigmatization as well as law penalties at the time. This carried its way into the present moment given societal marginalization and backlash. Existing within a heteronormative society for centuries is largely to blame given that the overwhelming forces of religion and bigotry. The "ideal" image of men being seen as largely individual, unemotional and stoic has woven its way into gay culture given the overwhelming drive for hookup culture and unfortunately I don't think most people realize this, and if they do, many don't care. If you throw in the basis of traumatic experiences, a toxic culture, and the idea of residing in a society that was never meant for you to exist in, it becomes literally impossible to find a closed, committed relationship. I'll admit that I'm biased but the preconceived idea of coming out to find a supportive community where I will eventually find a committed partner who I will fall in love with is the biggest lie that I've ever been told, and at this point being out for six-ish years, I get the picture. Relationships aren't cool. People don't want commitment, relational development, or a life partner. Sadly, people want sex and want temporary love. I'm really glad you made this video. I think it's really important to talk about this and it's always a good thing knowing that I'm not alone in this experience.
I wish every straight girl who complains about men had to live as a single, non wealthy, non white, average built gay man for one year. She'd last maybe a week before begging to have her lady parts returned. They have no clue how much harder it is to date and live as a gay man. The only real benefit gay men have over straight women is we literally can't get pregnant, or get the other guy pregnant. I find this benefit to be more of a hindrance than a perk. If gay guys had to risk pregnancy or being put on child support for 18 yrs, we'd take relationships (and each other) alot more seriously.
Great comment. You put into words exactly how I’ve been thinking and feeling lately.
This makes me so sad, since I came out only some months ago, in my 28s, and I just wish to have a meaningful relationship with someone. :(
This in many ways is the “nail on the head”. The reason the culture is so sexually based too is because of LACK, not getting enough affection, love, intimacy or physical connection. Yes, men have high sex drives, but there are extremely limited outlets to express ourselves. Much of this life is spent in isolation, seclusion, shame and stigma due to the society at large and this not being accepted as a normal life. Gayness has slowly, very slowly become more visable in the mainstream. These apps have shown that indeed there is a much bigger population out there and more people coming out every day. Even thirty years ago, it was never this visible. Unfortunately, we have a LONG WAY to go as a society accepting this. Homosexuality currently is a marginalized minority, even further than the entire BLM movement. Black lives matter and gay lives matter too!
@@mastersuperblaster702 great comment. You are so right most women complain about men but have no idea how bad it is for gay men. I will always have a soft spot for the gays because I know it’s so hard to find what most women take for granted. I transitioned and I’m dating a cop now. Way better then the misery of Grindr
In my town, the majority of dudes on those apps arent even looking for hookups. They are just on there to show off or to see how easily they can get someone. Insecurities + anonymity= one big ego fest
Are you guilty of this yourself?
@@mastersuperblaster702 No
@@vegaswithdrawal4132 I wish every straight girl who complains about men had to live as a single, non wealthy, non white, average built gay man for one year. She'd last maybe a week before begging to have her lady parts returned. They have no clue how much harder it is to date and live as a gay man. The only real benefit gay men have over straight women is we literally can't get pregnant, or get the other guy pregnant. I find this benefit to be more of a hindrance than a perk. If gay guys had to risk pregnancy or being put on child support for 18 yrs, we'd take relationships (and each other) alot more seriously.
@@mastersuperblaster702 My resentment lies more on men. Especially bi men who act as if women are the only ones worthy of attention and affection while I'm just a living dildo they can use when they get the urge to take it up the ass. At least be a passionate bottom and not a stiff, boring one
Ewwwww they can look good but with that personality?yeah...no
Recently got out of the toxic hook up culture. I’ve learned to have more respect for myself and others. Too many men look at other men as just objects. Not looking for anything deep or meaningful.
I hate Grindr so much, I actually just deleted my account. This app siphons money out of desperate lonely people, and does nothing to solve the loneliness epidemic that's only getting worse.
@@elijah02 hello there. It's not a problem for me to use grindr though cause like i won't be doing the dating quite often because hey my mother might get mad and suspicious of me I'll be having my first hookup tomorrow too wish me luck huhu
as is the mostly hetero app Tinder
No family, no friends, no great relationship, no hookups? Yah me neither. But we've made it this far without them. I say we keep going. Take care.
This is true but you can definitely work on having friends
I deleted grindr, just got annoyed with people seeking one night stands
Same here I was just trying to find friends but the people on their are so judgemental
And in the recent days they are so moody i have noticed .
@@HikarusukeShindouthere are no friends like we used to knew, those are just ppl for random hook up
@@martinm9072 yeah I learned that but there's people on there that that are looking for friends though
❤@@martinm9072
I'm almost at the point I don't want sex anymore, but only love and attention, a cuddle, a friend, someone to talk to. Everything a healthy relationship has to offer except the sex.
I guess I just get a dog.
And my problem is solved.
Get a dog or be a dawg ? LOL There's got to be a better way !
@@petemavus2948 There is! Get a few dozen cats instead!
Everything is fucked in the sense they couldn't make apps that facilitate pleasant interactions, they have to make us cranky, separate & isolated from one another. Ive even heard of grindr moderators storing nudes etc through messages that were supposed to be between 2 people
Dan Savage said it like this,
"It's not because we are GAY men, but because we're gay MEN."
In terms of sex, men, regardless of orientation, were not trained/conditioned to be as prudent and selective as women. Men didn't have the same restrictions as women. Add all of with being physically attracted to other men, and there you have the matters we have.
Hmm, I'm an older'ish guy who seems to have gotten caught up in the grindr & Scruff dynamics. It's not that exciting, but it can be a good tool for keeping your plumbing clean, lol. They're typically a loveless lifestyle, but some people want that. Me, I've been out of a long-term relationship for 4 years now, and would rather eventually meet a great guy in the hopes to settle down with. No knocks to the younger group, but, I've no idea where else to look for other like-minded men who are tired of just hooking up and would prefer getting to know someone, and maybe settle down into a relationship. Until then, this is where I am. The apps don't help combat loneliness, and often don't offer up the best quality guys to choose from. I want more than just good sex. I can't be the only one feeling this way.
@@hiddendude841 I'm sorry you're in that space, too. I'm glad I'm not the only one, but a bummer someone else might feel the same about hooking up. The 'just right guy' will find you one day. You're still young... I do miss my youth tho. LOL!
Smart, Articulate, Insightfull. I'm just about to take a break from the apps. My mental health is suffering. Thanks you!!
Thank you so much for the nice, uplifting comment!
Jaye is right. Sometimes the best thing can be a break from these apps especially during this pandemic when you can't meet anyone in person anyway, even if it goes well. So take a short break and give your heart a break for a bit. Then come back when you think the moment is right.
Thats my 2021 resolution. Those apps ruined my 2020. That and covid
I feel like I have always been at odds with this culture. I finally came out last year at 31 years old after I was tired of living as a man who wasn't true to himself.After finally coming to my friends and family I went straight to Grindr and precided to have many sexual encounters which satisfied an urge that I have been wanting.
After that I wanted to find a relationship and quickly realized that was a shitshow and my self worth was destroyed. I became incredibly bitter and went through an emotional time to the point where I needed psychiatric help.
I'm doing much better mentally now but I no longer trust men anymore and I don't want to go through that bullshit on these apps again. All I really want is a relationship I know im not owed anything,but it would be nice to have one. I realize though if I don't try to meet people again im going to be alone forever. I have my sister and nephew I care for but it would be nice to care for a man of my own. I have everything I want in life except a boyfriend.
I feel the same, I was lonely before I came out, & I am now lonely & hopeless since I got involved with the gay community. I went in Grindr just to look, & its made me really hung up & anxious about dating & sex. I am monogamous & demisexual, which seems to mean I an an aliean everywhere.
Join the club man 😏
Let a man care for YOU! Change your view from “care for a man of my own” to “have a man care for ME!”
Grindr is a sea of headless torsos that never responds to questions or hellos! I don’t want an immature closet case where it’s all new. I want a bf!! I want to build a life with someone and I’m tired of being alone… There, I said it!
Most of the gay men I know are fully sex and/or porn addicts, but the gay community is not ready for that conversation. If you bring it up, you're just sex-negative. The reality though is that I'm very sex positive, and am very comfortable having casual sex. I just don't need it consistently and would rather have consistent sex with a loving partner than find a new guy all the time. In the meantime, I can take care of myself better than most guys can or will.
I find porn boring. Always had to Fast Forward so gave up on it years ago. As to labeling anyone a "sex addict" that is more complex. A therapist should make that diagnosis based on the criterion in the DSM5 (or whatever number it is at now). Too many guys label other guys "sex addicts" out of jealousy. Not a term to be used casually or lightly. You may be sex positive but you have no biz diagnosing other gay men as sex addicts just because you haven't yet found your partner online. .
@@FriendofDorothy maybe try reading up on sex addiction. It’s blatantly obvious that most gays are sex addicts based on just a superficial understanding of the concept, but let me break it down for you based on my experience offline: most gays would openly and gladly have sex in their workplace if it was available. most gays would openly and gladly sleep with someone other than their partner whether or not they’re open. Most gays spend the majority of their free time on the apps or at gay bars focused primarily on finding a hookup. Most gays are openly and honestly obsessed with sex. Like they will literally shout it at you, and you somehow aren’t seeing the signs?
It doesn’t take a psychologist to understand that someone who so clearly has allowed their life to become dominated by sex, is a sex addict.
Edit: and before you say some BS like “hang with better people, you just aren’t finding the good ones”, like where are they? In the community I live in, this is literally all that there is. I’ve scoured the entire city, and I can find plenty of people willing to fuck but very few who are even interested in there being a date beforehand.
💯💯💯
@@FriendofDorothy I've witnessed the effects of sex addiction on plenty of gay men. It doesn't require a psychologist when they check off every single box of symptoms. The reality though is that it has become so normalized in gay culture that no one is going and getting the therapy they need, because they think what they're doing is normal and healthy.
Gay men are all searching for another gay man that shows none of the signs of effeminacy and flamboyance they dislike in themselves. The make up loving gay fem men are the FIRST ones to say they love breaking gender expression roles, yet they all would rather stay single then date another campy queen like themselves. Self loathing is ruining the gay scene. So many of my gay friends would rather take scraps from downlow men with blank Grindr profiles then date another flamboyant queen. So sad. Self love would help.
Yeah. We need more gay and lesbian counselors who are willing to help the community out to heal the loneliness trauma
Very well said. This 15 min video summarized my dating history in 15 minutes. I too thought life would be very different. Thanks again for sharing.
Glad you enjoyed it!
The loneliness epidemic is really a faux socializing epidemic. Back in 1975, if you were sitting alone in your apartment on a Friday night with no friends, the discomfort would push you to go out, meet people, and build connections. Nowadays, apps offer a quick fix for those moments of loneliness or boredom, giving us the illusion of socializing. But too often, those interactions never turn into real relationships because people don’t actually meet up. Over time, all these superficial connections pile up, and before you know it, you’ve got no real friends.
Sure, you can quit using the apps, but the problem is that so many people are caught in this trap of faux socializing that it’s drastically reduced the number of people who are actually engaging in the real world. It’s a double-bind: either you use the apps and settle for fake socialization with very few real-world friends, or you avoid them and only interact with the shrinking group of people still out there.
The only way to break through seems to be by offering some strong incentive-whether that’s getting fit, wealthy, famous, or something else that forces people to break the cycle and actually meet. That’s where we’re at, and it’s not changing anytime soon.
Base any interaction on sex and you will be stuck with it. The route to love is an open mind and more importantly, time... the time to get to know a fellow human being.
About cortisol: I think you have it backwards. Cortisol increases our stress response to a stressor. If we really did have less cortisol (which I doubt) we would be super chill in the face of a stressor.
Perfectly articulated what I couldn’t put into words. Thanks!
I remember when I first came out in the early 90s before cellphones and apps. The bars were filled with those same guys that are on the apps looking for one night stands. So... I don't see how going to bars is going to solve anything. And spending time in bars usually means drinking and that can lead to all sorts of problems. The intenet in general and especially apps have lowered the bar on manners and polite communication, though.
A lot of gay men don't want to get into a long-term relationship because then they'd have to admit to themselves that they're gay and they're not comfortable with that. Thus, by jumping from partner to partner, they can convince themselves that they're basically straight and only engaging in homosexual behaviour from time to time. Also, there are many gay men who are extremely closeted and, thus, being in a relationship where they cannot attend social functions with their partner might be awkward for them and the idea and the idea of being in a gay marriage is unfathomable to them, being that they can bare see themselves in a same-sex relationship.
Gay men are all looking for a partner that shows none of the same signs of effeminacy and flamboyance that they dislike in themselves. The obsession with heteronormative roles is hurting gays. Every gay man I know is waiting for a masculine straight passing gay man who never comes that they can play the effeminate counterpart to. Sad.
@@tula1433exactly but people in this comment section prefers to blame grindr instead of tackling the REAL reason behind
Thanks so much. You showed me so many new perspectives. And I have been analysing this topic thoroughly for long myself
The fear of being loved is so huge....now I am terminal dying neurological.....I tried to date.....worked on self.....friends wanted to play and I couldn't.....good tomorrows for you all
Great video! Hookup apps bring out the worst in us: when we use it we become something we are not. We have all rejected or been rejected by someone because of their physical appearance, their height, their weight, etc… but are we really that cruel in real life? I don't think so! I’d love to stop using this apps trying to find love, but I don’t have any other choice.
Couldn't agree more 😊
Finding a relationship isn't in the business interest of the apps. That's why they'll never want us to find a match that leads to using their product less
Take my advice… NEVER DATE SOMEONE YOU MEET ON GRINDR OR SCRUFF.
You’ll be sorry 😅
I met my fiancé there so it’s not all bad, it’s just how you use it I guess.
@@PoweredByRainbows I’ve met nothing but sex addicts, drug addicts and very self-absorbed men. Though I guess that’s just really a issue for the community at large, not just the apps.
Also. You’re honestly never certain who you are really talking to on Grindr also (until you meet in person). I remember going to a few hookups when Grindr first came out and I was in my early 20s and the guy answering the door was definitely not the guy in the pics. I’m glad you had a good experience on it, it’s very rare!
@@PoweredByRainbows and it’s obvi I’m still on it… I’m just cautious 😇😅😅
@@Wickedpissah138 yeah few good rules.
1. Always meet at a public place first. Restaurant, park whatever.
2. Get their social account
It helps to know if who you're dealing with is xy or z.
3. Don't have sex on the first meet. Express sexual interest sure, but give it a day to assess how you feel.
I've met two long-term partners on grindr.
James of 5 years worked at the same Amazon as me, but I hit him up on grindr. I had a clear idea of what he looked like so I asked him to come hang out at my place. We didn't have sex tell the next morning, but it wasn't too bad in the long run.
Tyson of 2 years I met at a park near his house. Technically I had to pick him up and take him to the park. It wasn't until a few days later I was ready for sex.
Tldr if a guy can't be bothered to meet you before sex he's a catfish.
If he has no social account he's a closet case or cheater.
It's pretty simple.
I just hate that most viable guys run when I say things like "I don't have any nudes" like I'm 5'11" and 140 pounds, six pack abs and I do eventual send my man unsolicited d pics. I just gotta be okay with the fact that their aren't very many viable guys.
Those apps do what they do because they CAN'T give you love. I can't do hookups, I never could. And it means the chances of me finding any kind of relationship are incredibly low. It's lottery levels of possibilty at this point. I can logically understand how buying a lottery ticket is pretty silly considering the odds and I approach it in that way - or don't bother and save money! But I just cannot seem to give up hope - despite the odds - on meeting a partner. It's painful, soul destroying and it always seems to end with me feeling suicidal levels of isolation, despondency and loneliness. What purpose or meaning can these wasted lives possibly have?
I hear you. I know this pain too.
I am a 26 year old attractive gay male who regularly gets hit on or flirted with by both men and women, but mainly women. Beautiful women, who are around my age and have similar interests to me. It makes me feel even more lonely, because I see all of the options that are available to me and realize how much better my life could be if I was on the other side. It feels like I’m cursed, like my good looks are all a waste (not trying to sound cocky or anything). The only men that hit on me are older men. The guys that I like always end up being taken, are only looking for hookups, or are straight. I’ve only officially ever dated 2 guys and neither relationship lasted more than 3 months. This is a life full of loneliness, sadness, and emotional starvation
Yes we have it very rough.
But at least we dont have to endure the grossness of being attracted by women.
Straight men are enslaved by their biological injonction of reproduction, they are here to serve the other gender.
Homosexual men, despite their loneliness( created by the heternormativ society itself), are free from this real curse.
My straight friend have it very rough too with the other gender, oftenly feeling/being trapped into convenient marriage/family nightmare with a woman( I love woman, but I am happy to find them absolutely unattractive, I see it as a blessing).
Also many homosexual men were genius creators, emperors, artists, scientists, philosophers, our contribution to civilization is enormous.
I wish you find a good man, for sure he is there, dont give up on your right to love, and being loved!!!
@@blue-ck9ns The only men that hit on you are older? Where exactly are you at when this happens?
Wow. I have not used internet dating since the early 2000s. Before apps. Now my my kids are older and I want to date again, however, I am clueless how to date now because I will not do the apps. Before, I did internet dating it made me feel more lonely which was resolved after a relationship for 8 years. Thank you for this video! So true about the gay bar culture. Even if you had no luck at the bar, we formed a gay community. Even if the guy didn't like you, you eventually became friends and you had a chance to socialize, a human need.
Imagine a time before the apps when you actually had to approach people, and mist people arent so forward as they are on apps as far as sex. Grindr killed the gay community.
Nope. Straight people did it long time ago
I hate it when Gay guys say to me That i Seek in the wrong Place. Like Then what is the Right Place? Is there a Place for Gay people That hast to do with getting to know someone Not just for Sex?
Yes there are, I met some great guys through gay sports leagues for example.
@@pizzazzsnudge7800 that is not a right answer as just apply to Europe o Usa
There is no place. I’ve done my research. Trust me 🤣😭
If I can also chime in with one thing, I genuinely hate the amount of people looking for "friends with benefits." Like to me, I never liked the idea of mixing sex into just a friendship, it feels like it's just a disaster waiting to happen and I know myself I'd develop feelings for more than just a friendship. I believe the moment you introduce sex into any dynamic it kinda makes things impossible to remain as just a friendship, eventually someone is going to catch deeper feelings and make it awkward for the both of them. Or you get guys who kind of don't state their intentions up front and speak in vague terms to get you to sleep with them while keeping you at arms length to not make it a relationship.
Almost makes me want to swear off dating at all because I can't find anyone even close to me who wants to search for something more
I'm bisexual, and tbh i 100% understand the loneliness gay men are going through
@@BlackmageAku27 SAME
@Aquarian Dawn oh really? You got Discord?
@Aquarian Dawn Yeah i love Morrowind too
@@BlackmageAku27 I’m lonely af, but I don’t want hookups.
I know I’m unattractive. But when I started taking intensive care of my body, and have this small glow-up as I call it, I started engaging in hook-up culture. At first, I often get blocked in Grindr but when my physique started improving, guys keep coming in. And everytime a hook-up ends, it makes me feel so damn lonely and sad. Now it made me feel unworthy of a real romantic relationship. The last time I went on a date was 3 yrs ago, that was my first and probably be the last. I feel greatly insecure about how I look so I resorted to hook-ups to feel validation to make fill that empty void inside me. But it made me feel more lonely.
Stop I can tell you now you arent unattractive,dont worry about hook ups,it'll come when it comes,but get the unattractive thing ,put to bed.
You 'know' you are unattractive? If the PFP you have is actually you, then that is wildly incorrect. Although even if you 'are' unattractive its likely unwise to talk about yourself like that. If a comment said by another would hurt your feelings, then how is a comment you say about yourself, supposed to make you feel?
Idk how it’s supposed to make me feel and yes the pfp is me. 🤷♂️ the hookup culture really got me lost
@@Uraniumore299 What happens is, your own opinions and the opinions of externals merge. Granting the general coherence of your own thoughts into the words of others.
Plainly stated : Your mind begins to warp itself in order to comply with what you hear.
@@originalprecursor that could be true. And I am working on my confidence for the past few yrs but it’s difficult bec I believed my whole life that I am unattractive.
Wow !! This was AMAZINGLY said ... you literally took the words out of my mouth. This is literally how I’ve felt about Grindr even when I used to use it but I was in a dark place and these apps are not here to help us. I really wish the older gay generation took better care of the younger gay generation, but it’s okay cuz we learned and are now going to make a difference. Really happy I stumbled upon ur video💜
The thing that I dislike is that the only option outside of gay dating apps to meet gay people is to go to places where everyone is going to be intoxicated. If you don't drink, you are literally out of luck.
I dislike drinking AND recreational drug use. Really widdles down options fast for guys, let alone women.
charity and community events folks ! ... Gather and DO something with like -minded
Yep, and all the gay events involve alcohol.
@@kalejuice5701 same here Caleb, but I’d still never use them apps.
Right on man! Your analysis of the situation is BRILLIANT !
The one thing people don't talk about is the word "dating". Before these apps the word dating was actually going out on a date and get to know the person. Today people don't understand the difference between dating and hookups and call the apps dating. And the sad part is actual real dating apps have been grinderized which means going online to meet people who want relationships is hard these days. Especially profiles that say they want relationships but they themselves think relationship is a one night stand.
I love your logical and empathetic perspective. I want to find a girlfriend in person,, but I isolate myself from any activities where I could meet a woman,, because I feel so lowly about myself. It's hard because I was damaged by circumstances that can only be reversed by being in positive circumstances, but the damages make me too afraid to try to be in circumstances where positive things happen. I am a hermit besides going to work
Yeah I threw in the towel and just live my life as a loner. As a 50y/o, I say back then it was much easier meeting a quality guy for a relationship but nowadays, relationships are defined differently. With so many polyamorous, open relationships and marriages, I really don't even see the point in trying to date anyone anymore.
I’m 31 and feel the same way. It doesn’t even matter the age, there is just a culture of insecurity that surrounds the gay club scene
Aren't these "polyamorous" relationships about people who just don't want to commit to anybody? I agree with you as another 50something who lived through the HIV epidemic. Because people were dying around us, we found out necessary to form support networks because our communities were so hostile to us. I just watch what's happening and shake my head
So I'm a bit of a late bloomer meaning I was fairly unattractive in my teens and now at 22 I look wayyy better, working out, braces off, overall appearance and clothes etc. And I thought grindr would be a better experience and no. Firstly I'm black before I'm gay so white gays tend to over sexualize me. They can't go 2 msgs without asking about my BBC. I find that I get more romanticized attention & fun dates when I stay in other places like Europe or so. Gay dating sucks. Everyone is soul-less, dull & horny. Then they want to do open relationships because they want the privileges of having a partner (they barely want) while having everyone else. 0 discipline.
Wow much, such good points. You hit the nail on the head!
Really great video! I think you got the loneliness and isolation of growing up gay 100% right. And I think not having healthy relationship rolemodels and not being able to be ourselves until we're much older has a huge impact (and not in a good way). While straight people are busy experimenting with dating and sex, we're usually still in the closet terrified that someone else is going to find out and utterly ashamed of ourselves because we're taught to believe that we are not good enough and that something is wrong with us because of our sexuality.
My question is - how can we use the dating apps (since there doesn't seem to be many other options for gay men) while also protecting our mental health and well-being?
Wouldn't know what it's like to have a relationship. Every time I try the dude just wants a hook up.
Exactly just enjoy the ride
Quit thinking like a woman and you will release yourself and enjoy yourself much more you'll meet some guy at some point or you'll make great friends
@em4227 yeah no. Maybe other people enjoy being the town bicycle taking it through the backdoor every night but that ain't me.
Thanks for speaking about these important issues! I can relate 100%! We can only find better ways of connecting by having these discussions! 👍
I believe that men, regardless of their sexuality, struggle with forming meaningful relationships that does not involve sex.
We have seen it’s all genders who struggle with this except for those that are asexual. So it’s not just men.
@@PoweredByRainbowsStole the words out of my mouth
Exactly. It's not exclusive to gays. I simply think men genuinely are not interested in emotional relationships.
I have lost the concept of love through different hookups I've had in my life and despite being self conscious i have somehow given up.
It sounds pointless to come out the closet unless you're actually dating someone.
still don't think the apps are the problems at all. the problem it's the gay community itself. most of the guys I knew had this crazy ideia of deserving a really handsome guy with muscles, great body and masculine even if they self are out of shape, were ugly or toothless so they will probably finish up their lives alone for wanting people much over their league. anything less than this is just for hookups, never for dating. So I'm taking a time of this gay life to work on myself (gym) so in the future I can find someone special. gonna spend some time alone and also improve my mental health and them maybe my chances of luck will increase. wish happiness for all you guys. XO
Very good point (s)
Yes, we need to focus on ourselves. We expect to find the perfect guy when we should instead be that perfect guy.
You should be what you're trying to look for. If you like handsome muscle dudes you probably should look the same in the gay world
Well good luck ever changing that or waiting for the day it will. Gay Men and people in general seem to believe that happiness is result of making all the right choices (according to what they told was right) in life and thus earning happiness. Well quite simply it don't work like that at all. Happiness and joy are fleeting but also found in the places you least expect. It's not something you earn but a byproduct of actions taken reaching for your desires. Often it's not what you think it is, how it should look like, or even what you desire. It's something you find along the way that you weren't even aware of before. It's happenstance and things often right under your nose the whole time.
What a great video man. Spot on! Very well said, thanks for making this. If only more gay men were into self reflection, self development and looking at the mirror. That is a big problem in the community (Apart from trauma, loneliness and substance abuse).
He‘s preaching so much about me, loneliness, 24/7 stress.
To other hand, Grindr will never make you happy, if you ain’t the whole package w well sizing D, it’s over🙃
If it comes to rejection, better keep it far away from that culture.
Since my breakup in 2013 when I was together with my husband for over 12 years, I never dated again. Because the way the majority of the gays are dating is beyond my understanding. Back in 2001 things were a lot different according to dating.
I guess I be a single guy for the rest of my life.
That's sad ... I hope things change for you.
😍
What happened with your breakup
Great video! You’re doing the real work for the community. 🖤
I can feel this, I am 30 yo and still in closet, my friends and family probably know that I am gay, because I didnt have a girlfiend, but I am so afraid to tell them, I work now and I dont need economic support but the idea of telling the truth to my friends or family terrifies me. The worst is that I am an only child and the only male in the household. I constantly feel lonely or sad because I wont do my "duty" as a man in my house. I have tried to find a friend or someome to talk in apps like grindr but it was bad, people just ask me for private photos, positions and stuff like that. I am not gonna lie I have had casual s*x encounters in that app, like you said if I can't find a friend or a secret boyfriend at least I will try to be less horny, but after that I feel bad again and I want the other dude to just go, and I feel kinda dirty. I dont know man, sometimes I wonder why I have to live like this, I wish I was like my friends and have a wife and a "normal" family.
Being gay isn’t abnormal or dirty. I understand where you are coming from but also remember the things that you are saying to yourself are only hurting you. You are a man and biologically men have sexual desires. You add two men together in a sexual situation and of course it’s going to be different and it’s going to seem dirty or whatever but it’s not. Just because you were conditioned all your life to believe in heteronormative standards does not mean that those standards are even healthy or realistic for heterosexuals. You are ALLOWED to have sex in what ever ways you are comfortable with. You do not have a duty to please anyone in your household. You owe nothing to no one in this life. This is your life you only have one of them. I understand the fear behind coming out. But there comes a point in time where you need to stop being irrational and in your head and just allow yourself to live your life without judgement of yourself. Find better friends who you can be yourself with, doesn’t necessarily have to be gay men but maybe straight females who will accept you. You can live your life at a distance to keep people happy but just fucking be yourself because when those people all die and its just you left are you even able to say that you ever lived for yourself?
I think it would help to find some queer friends online to talk to, tumbr has a large LGBT+ community and it's surprising easy to find queer friends on tinder.
Oh man. I so want to give you a big hug.
This is such an awesome and helpful video, thank you so much! I too have deleted everything and feel amazing. Life is too short to be living depleted, rejected and addicted to these apps. I want to enjoy my life and live with confidence and boldness!
The only thing I would comment on is the assumption that our feelings of loneliness stem from our teenage years not being able to have same sex relationships like other teenagers who have opposite sex attractions. I think this maybe an oversimplification and I feel we need to go deeper than this assumption.
I have some friends who did not develop same sex attractions until their early 20s, one late 20s and another early 30s!! Up until then, they were always attracted to and dated the opposite sex and developed same sex attractions later on. These friends also experience loneliness and the negative effects of gay culture described in the video, yet in their teenage years they were opposite sex attracted so there was not this 'fustration' felt in high school. Of course, these are only a few examples and everyone is different.
Sexuality is so fluid and everyone has their own unique journey with their sexuality so let's be careful not to generalise.
David, you’re a handsome man! Maybe this comment section is a good way to find a date. ;)
I don't think there's a worse time to be Bisexual than now.
You either deal with girls thinking you are just gay in disguise, or with the terrible gay dating scene full clubbing, sex and escapism.
I used to be self conscious a few years ago about being lonely and never having a bf/gf, but the more I think about it the more I realize there is no winning in this game, maybe I'm the lucky one instead.
Clubbing and sex is normal. You just see it as wrong when gay men do it with each other
@@Dolphinboi Not when it becomes your entire lifestyle, no. Man, gay, woman makes no difference.
@@maboilaurence8227 is going clubbing every weekend like many adults do wrong?
My advice is to try to date other bi men and bi women.
Grindr and hookup culture is at least there. I’ve given up on ever finding an LTR. My 20’s are ending and I’ve never had one, so if ain’t no one want me I might as well have limitless sex.
This video just touched upon so many things that I'm currently going through. I had been in the closet for 30 years and I finally accepted who I was last year. I had some fantasies about how it would be. Since I had never even been kissed before, I thought about how that would go. Reality quickly gave me a slap on the cheek though. As a chubby black man, I've had to accept that I'll probably die alone. This is one of the most painful things I've had to come to terms with but it's my reality. To me all the apps are the same. Tinder, grindr, okcupid, scruff all of them, no one is even remotely interested in me.
I send you a big hug, Randy! Don't give up. If people don't want you, is their problem, not yours!
G-d bless you Randy!!!
I'm so sorry dear. I'm currently going through the same thing. Grew some weight during covid and I don't get much contact on adam4adam.. Unless is some freak who wants to have meaningless sex. I'm also kind of a virgin at 29. Never topped or bottomed.. Not even kissed a guy cause in my country it's against the law to have sex with a man and people would kill you if they knew. And then to come to America thinking I can finally be with a guy in a relationship... But no.
@@zingapore4007 Thanks!
@@Travieso78702 Thanks!
This raised some really good points and was very well researched. 🎉
Yeah but he never really talked about the simplicity of all that if you have four testicles in the family things are different gays are not heteronormative we are different. And in that difference you get different types of relationships and we should grow on that not trying to be heteronormative. They statrd here that straight men don't hook up as much as gay men well obviously because women the other half aren't into that as much as men but getting back to the basics when you have four testicles in the family this is what you get. So why are we trying to give ourselves such a hard time with that reality gays are different as lesbians are different from gay men as well
@@em4227 "Guys will be guys" is not a good excuse for behaving like a wild animal and fucking hundreds of guys, especially if that is contributing to the unusually LARGE number of single and lonely gay men. How am I supposed to trust a gay guy to spend my life with if so many of them give excuses like that? When are they going to learn their actions have consequences? Consequences that affect other people! Monogamy isn't "heteronormative". I don't have "internalized homophobia" for wanting to have one partner to spend my life with. I have no sympathy for a lonely gay guy in his 40s-50s complaining about their own loneliness if they participated in this toxic hookup culture. They brought this on themselves, not straight people forcing heteronormativity on them.
I think both points are valid. I think the problem is that hook up apps like Grindr are addictive, it’s like a slot machine that can give you sex at any time. Sex can be wonderful, but I think the problem we aren’t talking about is that many men are now addicted to sex, either through hook up culture or pornography. And they’re substituting a quick high for a loving relationship, which is probably why you see so many open relationships now. Grindr essentially dehumanises men and turns them into a commodity, disposable and exchangeable. After using it for years, I can confirm it is damaging to mental health. Time to get rid.
I saw profiles there saying dont send a message if u r short,fat,old,femme ect...
I prefer to be by my own. The last relation I had for 15 years, was enough for me to give up.
Im not a hookup male anyway.
This’s app’s are not simple, my best friend have it, and he always told me, about guys asking for nudes pictures at a very first time😳
I feel as though the problem of being lonely as one ages, especially in the gay community is contributed to by many factors. The first one is that the primary mode of meeting is through hook-up sites, with algorithms that are aimed at just cashing in on individuals within the community. This, therefore, just creates a hookup culture, just as can be now seem even in the straight dating world. The issue mostly here is social media which upholds superficial standards, and toxicity. The other thing is the issue of activities and meet up places for gay individuals. Most if not all avenues for gay individuals to meet are bars and clubs. And the main aim of these is mostly to just get as much money from the clientele. And it must be pointed out, that there is a certain percentage of gay individuals who do not prefer hook ups or meeting up in bars. What this does, as can be imagined, is that they feel that there is nothing for them that the community can offer. The other thing, is that the primary modes of interactions, do not foster, the letting down of guards, for people to meet, be vulnerable and connect on a deeper, level so what one gets, is that the gay community, is forced to have an identity associated with promiscuity, sexually transmitted diseases, drugs, alcoholism and loneliness. I do think that in as much as there has been a push for protection for gay individuals, by various gay organizations, I feel that it is time, that some effort is directed, towards, improving the quality-of-life experiences for gay individuals, I sure, as hell know, that this is gonna take time, but it is well worth it.
I'm tired of dating apps
You won't ever find love on Grindr. Get rid of this shit
Why do you say so?
Cause is the reality. You can find a lot of things on Grindr, but love is not one of them.
Where should we find love as gay people? What do you recommend?
That's the point man. We should not seek for love cause in the end we just get the love we deserve... in other words, we attract what we are. Anyways, I've already met so many awesome guys at the church, bars etc..
@@filipeferreira5087 can we chat on hangout?
I've been on grindr with a chubby unattractive body and even a slimmed down toned body. Regardless I was bombarded with dick pics, had multiple conversations that faded into nothing and a few hookups that also faded into nothing. I don't believe looks is the real issue because beauty is truly subjective. I think as gay men we over value sex to the degree that we approach dating through a sex lens. Speaking for myself, putting a pause on the sex allowed me to think clearly and actually invest time into the emotional parts of dating. I realised I was as emotionally closed off as the other guys and needed to learn self love to be open to accepting someone else's. The emotional part is what's missing.
Hey I was moved by your comment. I was just wondering what your self love mindset is like now compared to before? I think I need to learn the emotional component you mentioned.
Well said that man 😊
Thank you for this very well done and well thought out video. Isn't it ironic how the decriminalization of gay sex, and the legalization of same sex marriage coupled with these kinds of addictive apps lead to new forms of suffering for gay men, even in gayborhoods? It doesn't matter how much your physical appearances matches up to the unrealistic body ideals sold to us.
I’m 30 and have only been with 1 guy when I was 20 and have been single ever since
I'm so sorry to hear that, just remember your not the only one in this world, it is difficult being alone
Wow! This was incredibly insightful! So many nuggets of truth in this video. I truly appreciate your work. Thank you!
Hookup culture is 'the norm' simply because guys are afraid of getting hurt. But many people do find genuine love and connections through Grindr, even when they don't expect it. Just be open minded ^^
Reality: a good ghosting all you can get.
Sadly true most of the time, but not always ^^
Yeah...being positive doesn't hurt right?
Its unfortunate, seems like people just want the body count, one night stands and not interested in companionship. Some guys on there are only "gay" for the "weekend" too, so yeah it's hard finding a connection. A sociology issue really; gets harder with time.
The division between younger and older men is growing wider. The young are ruthless and older men are used financially and only that.
I don't like how there's pressure to hook up I just want to snuggle up and watch a good movie
Same, especially since I have a low sex drive due to my depression. I just want someone to hangout with.
Oh my goddd I feel so fucking seen in this videos comment section. I wish this was talked about more. The pressure to hook up and then the regret from it. Absolutely awful. I found Tinder was a safer space to try and date :)
@@Baoaa123 I switched to Tinder and it's so much better. Better looking guys and you get to meet them first and not feel forced to fuck the moment you meet.
@@reyr.7439 I completely understand how you feel
its a difficult topic.. in some ways young guys have it worse off than us older guys. but it wasnt all that great for us either.. being gay was really misunderstood and in some cases it was illegal. we didnt have the internet.. my first contact was through a newspaper ad (that encounter didnt go well at all ) but we did learn how to be social we didnt have the cold connection of the internet.. i could go on but maybe what i should say is that i have hope for the future.. its gonna get better guys.. stay strong, rely on yourself and trust your instinct.. try to have fun and be ok by yourself.. its better than being in a bad relationship
Thanks for your comment.
May I ask you how do you deal with loneliness and sexual/sensual craving?
Personally( 36yrs old, growing up without the dating apps), I find it very difficult, and oftenly desperate, but meaby it gets better with age?
@@renacleerican7824loneliness and sexual cravings are not necessarily related. The best way to deal with loneliness is find how to value and be comfortable being alone. It's about personal growth. You can also reach out to gay clubs that focus on things you might be interested in. Personally, I like biking, playing tennis, trying new places to eat, hiking, etc. You'd be surprised. There might be another single guy you meet doing something you enjoy doing other than sex.
BTW, I very much enjoy spending time by myself at home or on the road or going away for the weekend. I love having a late breakfast on the weekends by myself too on a regular basis.
In terms of the sexual cravings, that's a much more personal issue. I'm not on any social media sites and have never used Grindr, but I've been tempted. In my younger years I was much more adventurous, but most of that ended in my mind 30s. After that it started to get harder to meet people because I no longer was interested in casual hookup sex. I did a ton of that all during my 20s and had a lot of fun and met some great guys. And even had a couple of serious relationships during that time.
In my 40s to now, I mainly use porn because the sexual cravings are not there like they were in my 20s. Now it's more about finding connections. Going to dinner parties, attending social interest events, being part of sports groups, etc. I haven't been to a gay club in about 15 years. What I miss the most is dancing. Even in my 20s I only hung out at gay places that had a dancer floor 😊
I live alone at the moment and I'm ok with that. Do I miss having great sex? Yes, of course, but want I miss the most is the one on one connection with someone special. I haven't given up. I'm always open to meeting new people to make a connection just not necessarily a sexual one at first. When you live your life with an open heart you rarely feel lonely and in that process you learn to value what you have instead of lamenting what you don't. Which makes it easier to also love yourself. Which goes a long way to not feeling lonely even when you're alone. I hope this makes sense and helps you a little. Be well.
@@renacleerican7824 at this point I'm not really lonely. And haven't been for a long time but I think that's because I've got a lot going on in my head when I was younger it might have been a different story having a pet was important back then having somewhere to place my affection and my negative experiences also made it easier to be alone I told myself often that you can't pick something up if your hands are full so while I didn't have a boyfriend I was at least free and available to experiences that presented themselves.. try to have faith.. work on yourself and respect yourself for all the effort you put into it
100% fact. Its insane how much happier I am then I was when I was younger, and I'm only in my 30s for gods sake. Avoiding the so called gay 'community' has actually done wonders for my happiness. I would never shame or bash someone who does honestly like it, but that's the thing - I've never met a happy person who is in that scene. Its all just some busy body parade and absolutely miserable people, who oftentimes hate themselves. Or at least thats been my experience.
There is literally no love or community on Hawaii island, so you are hot enough to get a date or you live alone and die alone
This is excellent. You are unique in your insight, where as some of these other videos about loneliness are just venting.
Good for you for standing by your values. You have inspired me to take another look at myself : )
This is creepily accurate.
Very well done video, this channel needs more subs
Love your awakening msges. I wish it would reach more people to open their eyes and mind to reality. Yes reality bites but it’s something we gotta accept.