Summary: Honest is a love preserving mechanism - by regularly voicing our small sorrows and our minor irritations . Nothing is too small or too big to be discussed in a relationship. Make a relationship safe to voice out concerns without relating it as a big issue or not. Spend time with your partner understanding. To preserve love is to also reduce resentment. ❤
I don't know if this is true in real life. I suspect these kinds of conversations could just lead to more arguments. Let's say your wife complains that you don't accompany her to her mother's house anymore. You listen to her explain why it's important to her. Then you explain why watching football on Sunday is important to you. Now what? Who is forced to sacrifice what's important to them? But that's a benign example. What if you don't like her mother but you never told her. Do you explain that you think her mother is annoying and vapid? Now she is hurt and angry. I suspect there is a difference between such haughty ideals like a completely honest relationship where every issue is discussed and reality. But I keep an open mind regardless. Has anyone actually practiced this successfully?
@@GizmoMaltese This is true. As someone who tried to be open and honest about things like that, it only made my partner more irritable and moody. The more I pointed out small things like "I don't like raisins, please stop buying my raisin muffins" the more they pushed back and labelled my honesty as being 'difficult and ungrateful.'
@@GizmoMaltese I understand your point when it comes to conversations that needs compromise but it is hard to tackle all solutions with one simple video from youtube. Your examples are totally valid btw and that could be true too in certain situations that make us sound like we are complaining and sound ungrateful to our partner.. maybe we could enhance our knowledge more on our own approach to voice out the concerns we have in our relationship and how our partners should also be ready to listen and discuss how there are issues that really matters for us to voice out..
@@GizmoMalteseell if you had been honest about not being that fond of her mum from the beginning, you might not be in this position rn. For the other stuff: ask your wife if there are other things you can do/acconpany her to make her feel loved. She doesn't know you actually dislike accompaning her. So, a good compromise would have been to find other days/activities to make her feel loved. This issue is actually quite easily solvable if both work together. Needs can be met in various number of ways. So yes, i know a number of people who have successful relationships by talking together and finding solutions.
Told my partner at the start of our relationship: 'whenever you have a problem with something, I want you to ALWAYS talk to me about it, no matter what'. She does, and so do I. We haven't had one major fight or disagreement so far, 2 years in. Which is incredible for her because she constantly clashed with every other ex she's had. We give each other time to talk about things and never shut each other down. If one of us has a problem, we both prioritise fixing that problem. We haven't given hate or resentment a chance to fester and it's working damn well.
That sounds incredible! And that is exactly the kind of relationship I would like to have. I've tried to be (fairly) open to my new boyfriend and ask him to be honest about certain things (or everything really) and it does feel like it has helped.. But I would still like to sit down with him once and agree to ALWAYS talk to each other about what upsets us. I'm still a little bit afraid of doing that, because he seems to be a little bit more distant. Doesn't want to get "official" yet, although he did say that he considers us to be one step beyond just "dating". I have an anxious attachment style and need a lot of reassurance, so him not responding to a text for hours or not wanting to call is very difficult for me to deal with. And there are some other things that really bother me too-- I have no idea if there are things about me that are bothering him, because (I think) he's not very good at telling me about his displeasures yet. Maybe because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings, but I would ALWAYS prefer the both of us to be honest with one another.. that is the only way to TRULY understand and respect each other and to make it last in the long run. 💚 Ps. the reason he has told me that he doesn't want to become "official" yet is because he had just come out of another relationship not too long before he and I met and started dating, so he's afraid of getting hurt again. Him telling me this and being open and vulnerable has helped me understand him & accept that we'll just have to take things a little slower than I perhaps would prefer ~ which is a perfect example of why communicating clearly *_works._*
These videos are so validating. I realize what I wanted was healthy just surrounded by people who insisted on unhealthy dynamics and shamed me for having thoughts, feelings or needs that were inconvenient to them
Yes, for me too. It’s finding closure and leaving these types of situations because we value ourselves, our needs and capacity to seek out environments/relationships that truly nurture + benefit wellbeing (on all fronts). I’m reminding myself when core needs (honesty, trust, safety) & inner peace are compromised, it’s time to move on - because loving oneself will always bring about a change for better.💙
This is more of my thought. I wasn't sure if it's about being more female, because there's certainly guys like this. It seems more that we're around social circles where we're just discouraged from voicing our thoughts because it doesn't show good outcomes. Its effect is of course stronger if we grew up with it, but I think even a current & on-going treatment like that could nudge a person to stop sharing or even feeling their real thoughts & feelings
After watching this video, I instantly think about my partner and me. Then I called him to express my gratitude. He is a gentle soul who always treats me patiently and cares for my feelings. This means way more than wealth or power. Thank you my dear for walking into my life.
We often forget that minor disappointments can accumulate and dampen love. On the contrary, when they are expressed honestly and constructively, they become love retention mechanisms that strengthen our bond 💟
We need to be taught how to have these conversations with our loved ones in our society because they are so difficult. This video focuses on being able to talk about these things, but another important aspect is being able to HEAR these things from your partner and to respond appropriately. So much easier said than done, and it would help us all if we learned this from a young age, because the vast vast VAST majority of people don't ever learn them.
I have NEVER felt such a synchronicity in my life. I just got done having a long, LONG discussion with my new boyfriend about how I want us to be able to make each other uncomfortable in order for us to make it in the long-term. This video hit my thoughts ON THE MONEY.
I can only wish I find a girlfriend who would be open, and even enthusiastic, about voicing her thoughts and feelings, and listening to mine. It is indeed important to be able to make each other uncomfortable, even upset, to make it in the long-term. Wishing you the best with your boyfriend!
This video makes me cry. I had something bugging me about a friend, something she said sometime back. I finally got the chance to air it out this week and she was so responsive and empathic it felt so good. Really strengthened our friendship that conversation.
This skill took me so long to learn in my relationships, I've wondered why my wife and I don't fight or argue anymore - it's because we talk and voice our concerns immediately when we feel them now, rather than letting them bottle up inside
I used to have a monthly relationship checkin with my ex partner. That was the first time I was doing it in any relationship and I believe it really helped me not blaming myself for the things that eventually went wrong in our relationship. Communicate, folks. Ask questions. Listen. Take notes if you have to. Improve.
@@ames774 it was just an open floor kinda thingy. I would legit just ask her if I was doing anything that bothered her, if she wanted more of my time, or if she wanted space, if there was something we could do differently etc.
@@rishubhbijlani2815 Could I have averted what went wrong? Honestly, I don't know at this point and my ex partner is the one who could answer it really haha. It's been some time!
Communication is the key. Well, I ended 3 years relationship because the other won't communicate anything and just put me in silence whenever stress strike him out. It's really sad for me, but thanks to this video, I'll learn it for my next relationship :) ❤
This is a current problem I am having in my relationship the word complain is thrown around alot when I have a concern especially if its small. Im glad to hear this is normal on my part and should be addressed. Definitely Need to let my partner hear this thank you ❤
If you allow me, I have a small advice about how to bring it up: tell your partner that you just want to be heard and vent a little and that you encourage them to do the same, put the emphasis on how it will be cathartic for both of you, and if they tell you they don't like complaining and that it's a bad habit - like in the video - separate your (both of you) complaining in a controlled setup from whining. Best of luck :)
I wish you the best. I have the same problem with some of my friends. Sitting down and listening to the other person telling you what bothers them, albeit sounding to you unimportant, is something we should all strive to do for healthier relationships.
if you wanna make love last forever theres certain things you have to do. the first is to have realistic expectations and that means undertsanding everyone comes with pros and cons, and just cause someone else may not have the same set of cons doesnt mean that they are a better option. The second thing to do is to appreciate all the pros you do have. We tend to take things for granted and the things that were once nice gestures have become expectations. The third thing to do is to make sure you have equal compromise or equal sacrifices, you cant just make one party do everything you want. If you cant trust yourself or your partner to be fair you must implement fair rules you both agree to before arguments break out. It may not seem like it but failure to compromise which falls under communication is probably one of the biggest relationship killers. The last and final thing is to not get too comfortable in your relationship. The longer your with someone the less effort you tend to put in where as at the beginning stage of a relationship you do everyhting you can to impress that person. Over time dates become less frequent, you stop trying to look nice, you stop caring about what your partner might think or say. In the worst case scenarios the things your partnert might have loved you for you have completely stopped doing. Some people fall out of love and dont even know that this is the reason why. They are unable to trace it to a single event or anything specific that their partner is doing wrong because its about what they stopped doing. when your the person that feels soemthing is off in your relationship your job is to communicate that with you partner to give them a chance to fix the problem instead of letting yourself fall out of love.
It’s a good perspective, and I’ll add in that it’s key to voice those small irritable things in non-combative ways. Learning to hush the ego, specially those who are prone to getting rattled, can be the difference between moving forward together or simply pinning something on your partner. Statements like “X happened and because X happened it made me feel this way” is very different than “you did this, you did that, you are this and you are that…”. In my previous relationship I experienced the latter, and it made me feel like shit. That’s why that partner and I are no longer together. For a while I confused that partner’s openness with true intimacy. It wasn’t, it was ego and lack of delivery. In my current relationship, I’ve met someone where we say “this happened and it made me feel this way” and then we openly talk about it without pinning things on each other. We are moving forward together. To get to this point I had to break up, grieve, go to therapy, learn about attachment styles, and process what triggers me. Only then was I ready to go into a relationship again, and because of putting in the work, this one has open conversations like this video portrays.
There is no such thing as falling out of love, it's just an excuse to not deal with issues, this was a very well made video, communication is a deep part of intimacy in every aspect, it can solve so many problems.
Heartbroken 2 months ago. I did my best, I was present, I checked on them through thick and thin, emotionally and physically available for them, yet they opted to choose somebody else.. Love hurts.
@@sparkstudies1675 I tried to reflect back on it as I’m currently still in the healing stage, and there were times when they weren’t initiating conversations, or asking much about me. From their end, it was infrequent, not as regular as before. Furthermore, communication - whenever there is any thing to discuss or talk about, it was very difficult for me to get information until I ask and ask. Whereas I would share quite regularly, even without them asking becuase I considered them a valuable person.
9 years and going strong, before either of us are even 30 years old. The puppy-love phase never went away, and it's because we're constantly communicating and honest. The real problem that I usually see is that most people aren't intelligent enough to understand the truths about their self, so they can't see and communicate those truths to their partner. Self-reflection is rare.
this is sooo soo on point, with a previous spouse who will not take responsibility for antyhing, eventually I learnt to shut up and not complain at all, and the relationship died it's natural death. rapidly and thouroughly discussed is a great keyword, respect and lots of grace would have caused a difference. Thank you for this
Another big help in my opinion is trying to be comfortable talking about things that may be uncomfortable to talk to your lover about. For example, if you’ve thought mildly about intimacy with another, or even had your doubts about the relationship. It is silly to keep these thoughts away as if they’re secrets from our lover. Sometimes, we cannot help the thoughts that cross our minds, or the inclinations we have, but we can chose how we respond to and handle this thoughts. And it is always better to be transparent about our struggles, and honestly ask for help or support, rather than feeling guilty and internalizing the shame of a problem you’re scared to address until it reaches a head.
Resentment towards a loved one: over time it only leads to a breakup/heartbreak. How to prevent it ? Listen to your partner, validate their feelings, ask for forgiveness from the place of love. Sadly, not many couples can communicate openly without getting defensive, etc. The 4 Horsemen from Gottman Institute is a good place to start. Communication in a relationship is SO important. Ultimately this is what real intimacy is all about...
This video brings to the forefront a simple, yet very powerful truth about what makes and brakes relationships - open and honest dialogue. You don't have to look at the statistics, but if you did, you can see numerous studies that demonstrate that the happiest marriages are those with the lowest threshold of tolerance before a partner speaks up. And it is no wonder, for voicing both the joy and the irritation of one's experiences in life (including those with your partner) is the only way that you can present your true inner self. After all, isn't that what sits at the core of love - showing and seeing the true versions of yourselves?
Little sorrows impact people differently... if the person is a problem solver, it can be a good condiment in a relationship. The truth in my perception is that end of a short or long love history starts when you lose the enchantment of a good future together. Why because your ilusions came down or because you saw big personality flaws.
It's not a small sorrow. It is immense resentment. Broken heart and ignored debris. No identity left. Only a kid to care for. She hides behind the fear that she might disappoint me. I never say anything. But it's not like things aren't there. They are all right where where they were right from the start. All of them to be processed by myself individually and present a happy, smiling face in the morning.
This made me realize my wife and I need counseling. Gonna find a a marriage counselor and watch this video with all 3 of us present. Then gonna start doing some work. I was wondering why something was off. It's this. It's definitely this.
You told me: “ If you ever do cocaine you’ll break my heart.” So I never did, I never touched the stuff. I didn’t want to break your heart. Didn’t want to fail you.
To make love last for a lifetime, you must be dedicated and committed to your partner. Support each others' dreams and goals. Even when life gets in the way, make the time to make them feel important.
I was head over heels in love 3 years ago. He is an introvert and never talks to me the way i feel like he should. We both are terrible for each other and now i can see our silence that made him mystical, has made our love silent.
If I could... I would give this video a million likes at least... very well done and put together... plus, this is the best advice that you can get in your life to make your relationship work ❤
My partner and I have been together for 7 years. Having good communication and honesty requires an enormous amount of vulnerability. We never dismiss the others feelings and try very hard to not get defensive when we have a misunderstanding. Sometimes apologizing when you did nothing wrong on purpose is the best thing for your relationship. There are no sides and no points; there's only Team Us.
It makes sense: when you think of couple’s therapy, you think about seeing people finally throw out all their frustrations and then talk about it as adults.
Time and time again when I watch these the key aspect of maintaining a romantic relationship is communication. So many times I have seen couples who do not properly talk things out without putting their ego aside and just talking about things that have hurt them.
ah! this must be why communication is important in a love relationship. only so we can properly vent out and express our feelings of frustration of our partners. through talking it out that we lessen the tension in the relationship
This is such an interesting topic because it's one I'm really struggling with at the moment. My partner will jump on anything... The way I throw a teabag away, the way I express myself, and want to talk about it at length and how it made her feel. Sometimes it's several times a day, to the point where I'm nervous to say anything incase it turns into an argument or long, emotional discussion. Rather than feeling healthy, this feels draining and miserable. I feel guilty for things that are arbitrary; nervous to express any kind of opinion. Not sure where the line is between good communication and toxic over-sensitivity. Anyone else struggling with this?
I am. But with my brother. And I will tell you right now, it's toxic. I would suggest couples counseling. Or talking to her about it. That one may be hard since the dynamic is already set, but things needs to be said. You shouldn't have to live like this. I feel like if she really loved you, she would feel awful and work things out if she knew you feel like this. Or maybe see a therapist yourself and see where to go fr there. (However I would just like to say slowly distancing myself made me the happiest. But that's bc I know I'll never be good enough to them, but that's okay cause I found people that do. Im not condoning this one. But if u do decide to try my method. Check to see how her absence affects you. And use that to help you decide your next step). I wish you the best
You should talk to her about how uncomfortable that makes you. Several times in a day sounds like she is upset about something else and taking it out on you or she doesn't like alot of things about you. If she cares, you sharing your feelings will make her snap out of it.
Several times a day is too frequent. Like with all things, it should be done in moderation. The point of the exercise is to deepen understanding of one another, your partner isn't supposed to be pressuring and burdening you- atp it sounds like she wants someone else since she finds so many issues with you
Honestly, friend, what you're describing is an element of the domestic violence cycle - whittling down your self confidence over time disempowers you. I may have it totally wrong, but I'd guide you towards looking into coercive control and just checking if anything else clicks.
I used to do this when I was depressed and very sensitive. You need to talk to them about it. One thing that helped me was first listening and understanding how much it hurt my partner and damaged my relationship, and through that understanding I developed a habit of not saying anything if I wasn't sure that it seriously bothered me. We started to have "worry discussions" once a week, where I would name the things that bothered me, and oftentimes by the time of the discussion I had realized that something was too minor to even mention. But it was important for me to bite my tongue and inhibit the need to criticise, which was easier when I knew that I would get the chance later. Another thing is, that there should be 5× more praise than critisism in a relationship. Strive for that. Hope this helps someone
This is the exact reason why I broke up with my girlfriend a little bit ago. We had some conversations near the end of our (relatively short) relationship in which I felt that she heavily implied that I just wanted her for sex, which hurt me incredibly deeply. This became the straw that broke the camels back to me, and instead of talking to her about it, I ended it. Looking back there were many moments, even small ones, where Im sure we both said or did something that really offended the other but we failed to adequately communicate and work through it. Thanks for the perspective with this video
@@taghazoutmoon5031 thanks for comment. I actually did reach out and we talked about what happened. At the end of the day I came to the conclusion that I had actually made the right decision that this wasn't the girl for me. It doesn't mean I hate her, but we have different expectations for communication in a relationship. I also feel secure enough in myself to not be in a relationship just to be in one. Theres always more fish in the sea!
@Aldog there's always more fish, but different fish, other problems, maybe even the same problems. It's a lot of work and lost time always starting with a new person. Sometimes better to work on what you already have
@@taghazoutmoon5031 fair points but at the same time I personally feel confident I made the right decision. I think that for my situation I came to understand that while she might have cared about me, we had different interest levels in each other. I believe she is a sincere person but somewhat emotionally unavailable. I felt i took the time for self improvement and genuine reflection during our break, she felt she was still working on it. I felt I was honest about how my issues ended our initial relationship, how I've thought them over, and how I now feel as well. She was not able to meet me on terms that I felt comfortable with, and I flat-out refuse to "wait" for someone. Doing so is not fair for either person. Doesn't make her a bad person, just a bad person to waste romantic energy on. IMO that kinda goes with you saying relationships take a lot of time and work; life is only so long so why fall into a sunk cost fallacy? Thanks for the comment!
@Aldog sounds good. At least you tried. She might have gotten defensive after you broke up with her. I distance myself too from a man I love when I feel he's not as invested. It still hurts and doesn't mean I'm any less interested in him. Just a bad protection mechanism that might backfire because your partner then also feels you distant. There's so much contradictory and bad advice out there. Women are told not to chase when he breaks up or gets distant...but then, that might just create more distance than if the woman just showed her love. It's an ego game.
I have been feeling so bad for replaying an unaddressed hurt in my head and wondering why I can't seem to be bigger than this key relationship-hurt that keeps coming up for me. I was very surprised to find that I identified with the 'quiet rage' in this video. I feel like I am presenting a false version of myself by acting like everything in our relationship is just fine and dandy. I have concerns about addressing this hurt - but I'm also sure that two things will come of it: 1) my partner will feel blindsided (because he has no idea how thoughtless the issue in question was - and if he does, then that too might have been based on his own 'quiet rage'). 2) he will have felt some hurts of his own that I was not aware of, and I know I'll feel uncomfortable learning about a side of my behaviour that I was not aware of. I'll be sharing this video with him. But boy oh boy, it sure feels yucky to choose to go through this process initially, and know that it will probably be uncomfortable for both of us. But this unaddressed hurt has too much negative power over me right now and needs to be dealt with. However, overall I'm sure it will all end up being ok as we've been together for almost 30 years and ideally it will bring us even closer together.
If you've been together for that long I imagine this is something your love can handle. This video really is relatable, so flawlessly articulated. I hope all goes well for you, would love to hear an update :0
@@sparkstudies1675 Thank you for your confidence in our love and your curiosity. I didn't show him the video, but I will share it with him down the road a bit. However, I did address the issue and I am so very glad that I did. I won't go into the details of it, but it turns out that I unknowingly had a hand in creating the issue as well. We were both harboring our own quiet rage. By having a respectful and patient conversation about it made a lot of difference in our relationship. I feel like a burden has been lifted off of my heart. And you were right, this was something that our love could handle.
@@PickleballWanderer Yes, we had the conversation and I am so glad that we did! It was hard hearing that I had unknowingly had a part in creating the issue (through a quick and angry reaction that I had long forgotten). So we both got to air our hurts and understand that things weren't quite the way we thought they were. We made our peace with our hurts and each other, and I feel like a burden has been lifted. I'm really grateful to this video for bringing this about.
Possibly the best video that I've seen from this channel. This issue ended a marriage and is in the process of killing another relationship if I let it.
This resonates so very much to my own experiences and feelings. Once, when my partner and I were joking around with each other, I asked him to buy me something, to which he jokingly replied "Why would I pay for you?" as a funny remark to my very funny statement. However, it struck something deeply insecure into me, that it made me feel so very worthless. It goes back to how I was treated in childhood by my mother who would always see me as a burden of expense.. I was so embarrassed that I didn't even want to let him know I was feeling this bad, about seemingly a minor joke.. which was immensely hurtful to me. But later, I talked at length and let my partner know how I felt and WHY I felt this way. He kindly listened and replied very lovingly. I felt so relieved that he acknowledged my feelings and made me feel so loved and worthwhile. I really love him a lot 🥹
Takes two to tango. One side doing all the opening up and not hoarding negative feeling is not going to salvage. Unfortunately, more people are selfish today. They’d rather cycle thru bedmates or short term relationships to not compromise or modify their ways.
I experience more and more that being in a healthy relationship requires that the people involved strive to grow and mature emotionally throughout life. Being honest with oneself and choose to believe that any feedback given is meant with the best intention. It is an ongoing process that requires daily nurturing.
One thing I love about School of Life is that we intuitively know what's being said when we approach the lesson with trust and good faith. This could easily be mistaken as advice saying to allow our partners to endlessly nitpick and verbally abuse us regularly but we know that this isn't what this is really about. It's about a healthy give and take of mutual consideration. I would like to feel more heard and do better in the future to make others feel heard and cared about in a trusting way. Thank you School of Life ❤❤
this makes so much sense, especially as someone who often lets people walk all over them - of course never bringing things up (with the risk of being annoying, "ruining the mood" etc... hello fellow good girls) builds resentment over time... and it's so important to allow oneself to feel the emotions, of disappointment, sadness etc, to actually move on from them!
this literally speaks to my heart, we had a major fight which led to breakup . i want him to stay with me. if he reads this i love you so much . i wish you love me back too. looking forward to a better relationship hopefully if we follow this
I’ve had 2 relationships in my life - long ones - I know how to keep things interesting for ever by giving my partner complete autonomy on their own terms ! there might be a ‘we but there is also you & me - separate but together is how I shall put it - my relationships were successfully happy !
Absolutely and this is why i ended our relationship became he never allowed me to express how i felt, ever!!! He never heard me, never listened, would dismiss everything i said, i became invisible and *no-one* wants to live feeling unseen, unheard and unloved. He never rook responsibility or accountability for any of his actions! I just can't understand someone like that. He left 2 days ago and i feel so much lighter and peaceful ❤
Me and my partner have lots of little chats like this. Just little check ups on how the other is doing and if there have been any things on the other persons mind that they haven’t wanted to bring up. And we sit and talk about it and resolve anything that might have previously been unsaid. I grew up in a household where this wasn’t a thing and I am grateful for my partner being patient with me learning not to get so defensive, and I am slowly learning how to share my feelings.
thank you so much for this. i am recently going through a break up where we, loving each other a lot, had many small issues untold throughout our relationship. now looking back, i see that communication in these small issues actually makes a big difference. i wish i could have had this in mind before. but thank you for helping me learn a lesson i had to learn regardless.
Thank you - we only ever work with the best in the business. You can find more about our animators by clicking 'Show More' in the description of each film.
i was recently broken up with for the first time and I'm trying to find ways of improving myself. i imagined getting broken up with would make me hyper aware of what i could be doing better. but right now I'm lost, only having one blanket statement critique that was "you need to learn to communicate." i want to be better in any way that i can, and im going to therapy and working on my insecurities, but im struggling trying to figure out what about me caused my partner to leave, and feel happier without our relationship. i want to be happy too, and i know that means i have to reflect and grow from this. but right now, im just lost as to where i went wrong.
I laughed out loud at …..omitted to put a second kiss at the end of an email …..Love these videos……they’re enlightening about how complex we humans are ❤👏👏👏👏
This is extremely accurate and I didn't know it was a thing. The times I acted indifferent were actually times I could sense and detect some resentment inside me towards my boyfriend. It was that. I am sure it was 100% resentment and it is not like he cheated on me or anything but I was annoyed for little things I didn't tell him and resentment was growing. One time we were arguing and he asked me what I was thinking and I said "I resent you", it simply got out of my chest like that and it was liberating
So happy to watch a video from school of life and realise my wife and I already do this. made me feel so wise and sensible 🌺 and yes it works wonders for our relationship 🌹
So strange that this should pop up in my suggestions list. This is exactly what I’ve started to say to my partner of 18 years. I’d stay quiet, things that annoyed me I’d “let it go”. Then at the weekend after a few drinks I’d end up shouting at him and telling him how useless he was. I’ve come to realise it’s way healthier to stop and tell him what’s wrong in the moment rather than keeping issues bottled up only for them to explode later. I think he understands that and only yesterday we put it into action and the following morning he apologised. So it works.
No, it's up to every person to understand that there is no bad intent on the other side in those meaningless quirks that annoy us. You should observe your partner and trust in his good intentions. We should also take responsibility for our impulsive thoughts, process them, and meditate rather than bother our partner and nitpick which will make them feel constantly criticised. The only problems that should be discussed in length, with great care and effort are those of the future and common goals, from there trust evolves and the annoyance rarely arises. If it does arise a lot it is often sign of confusion and fear that we will be let down. Talking about those small things will not help. Instead the topics like your future together and what makes you bond should be addressed and defined.
One fact I understand now about love after recovering from a 2 year relationship is that no matter how hard you try you simply cannot change a person , if that other person is not resonating with you and you are obviously wondering why is that so it’s because it wasn’t meant to be and it simply cannot exist without demise and arguments, toxic relationships are a thing and you should stay far away from any. Don’t let a person stop you from who you are meant to be , stay strong.
hey df, Ive been reading a lot about karma and im still not sure what it is exactly, but all i know is i dont wish anything bad on you, and i asked god and the universe to take it easy on you so you dont have to go through all that I did. I truly never meant to talk to others, or make you feel jealous and like i was playing with you. god knows the truth and that i thought certain people where literally you, and I never intentionally meant to betray you or hurt you in anyway. Im sorry taylor, and i hope we can make amends and that you will be able to forgive me. i forgive you for all you did to me, and i still want the best for you and i will always think so highly of you. youre free df, and if i owe you anything please let me know how I can make it up to you so we can both stop crying and all the hurt, and be at peace with everything. I love you taylor, and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day
Me and the mrs met in a bar, she came home with me and.... we had fun. We met up a few times over the next couple of weeks, before we found out she was pregnant. Now, it adds to the story that Im abroad, in Cambodia, and are planning to go back to Norway within a few weeks.. Well, now Im here 4 years later, with a son and a fiancè I love very much. I think a lot of the reasons is that we made a deal back then: ok, we are having this child together. I would like us to try and build a relationship because I like you, even though we have only known each other a few weeks. I honestly can not say that I love you, because its too soon for that... but I would like to get there. I think this is a lot of the reason we still are together. We started as friends that needed to work together on this, and we slowly let it build into a more and more loving relationship.
I wish my now ex partner had told me what was bothering him instead of "dealing with it". I used to ask if he was ok or if i upset him and these kinds of questions annoyed him and he insisted he was fine. It turns out he kept everything inside. Meanwhile i was always trying to have conversations about what was bothering me and although he listened, nothing changed. Some relationships and loves can't be saved or made to last forever.
i experienced the exact same thing last week - when there were weeks of small things accumulating which I was particularly unhappy about with my partner, but was simultaneously being unfair to my partner by not raising it to them and giving them the chance to respond (because i was afraid of being whiny and always raising issues!). Arranged a time to speak and it went really well! Loved how eloquently this video summarized how we should always be honest in a r/s
But I get so sad and upset when small things i have done bother someone. like i cannot stop myself from crying and feeling despondant and humiliated over it. it has ruined my relationships that i cannot manage this kind of thing. I can't bear to share my own little grievances for fear of making the other person feel the same terrible way that i do when they have done it to me. I can see rationally that this is not correct or reflective of reality. But the pain is too great, and I feel doomed.
I love this video, and I see are a few important unaddressed issues that deserve attention: 1) frustrations and angers are conflated with small sorrows and these are different, though related, and complaining may need to be done differently for these. 2) being seen, understood, and valued may be unequal redress or response for some complaints. What then? 3) why should this video focus only on couples, why not also apply this to friendships and other important enduring relationships? 4) I love the applied philosophy here, and would love even more a deeper integration with psychology and social psychology in this series.
I think the term he's trying to pinpoint here is not fury it is contempt. We develop contempt overtime over every little misdeed done to us. Contempt will destroy a relationship, and it is seldom ever retrievable. I have never met anybody in any relationship for any period of time that did not have a certain level of contempt for their partner. Unless they are in total denial.
There will always be some. Love is tested when you venture out with your most vulnerable feelings to find out how much room is available to hold them ❤
Somewhat awful to have know this for the entirety of a relationship and still kinda end up in this exact situation. The succession of minor disappointments destroying admiration and love. I knew this could happen and did my best to stop it, but one can't work alone.
I have a large problem where I love someone a lot in the "honeymoon phase" and then as I get more used to them I tend to feel nothing. I am hardly ever angry or uncomfortable. Even when I absolutely love them and they have not angered me at all. They are very supportive and nice, yet I just feel nothing. I usually never feel anything. I am always neutral usually and most of the time my only sadness comes from my lack of ability to love someone. I usually am very communicative with my partners and that typically causes them to be open to communicate with me too. The only time I feel anything is when I am laughing at a joke or when I hear sad news. The most intense and powerful feeling I ever feel is love and grievance, but these feelings only last for a very little amount of time. So I don't believe my problem is anger.
I've found that spending time away and reconnecting with myself helps me feel the absence of love and thus rekindle my passion and appreciation for it. Thinking and talking about the things we sometimes take for granted or otherwise tackling some new challenge or novel conversational topic might also be helpful. I would also recommend looking into attachment theory or bringing this up in therapy if you can. I don't believe the feeling of numbness is just there for no reason. I know that sometimes I can be like that when I lack perspective and am operating off of autopilot or haven't been keeping busy enough in other aspects of my life. Hope you figure it out ❤
Attachment styles had something on this, explaining how some ppl want the partner only when they can’t have them but are not interested when they are available. Maybe it’s relevant to look it up, I think School Of Life had a video
I've made a vow to myself that I will not marry someone whose emotional maturity is not on par with or better than mine, frankly, if she hasn't consumed hours of TSOL content she aint the one. This is a pre-requisite course to become my wife. Why? If the reason isn't obvious already I can tell you stories of my previous relationship where I was the one always trying to discuss and have mature conversations about things that bother me or even her so we dont let things pile up, but she would deflect and push away and get angry at me for bringing up any uncomfortable conversations and forever delay it even if that means I'm going to be upset for a long time she didn't care. "Sometimes i need time and space to process things" but that time and space become absurdly lengthy to a point we forget what the issue was really, or worse, gaslighting becomes a natural easier method of defense. "I didn't say it like that u just don't remember it anymore" or "i did that? When? I think you're projecting" ah such the familiar tales. The whole time she's taking to process things, im suffering in pain for days through her time and space where all i needed was just a genuine apology or acknowledgement of her actions. Point is, one person being emotionally educated is simply not enough if the other person isn't willing to grow and learn, no matter how much love, patience or forgiveness is involved. Forgiving such a person's childish tendencies and toxic repeatable irregularities can in turn serve to our own self sabotage. Therefore, once you've established that they are simply "who they are" and not seemingly willing to grow or change, because as western societies have convinced them "you must love me as I am" then, my brother/sister of whatever religion, leave, leave early, leave fast. Watch out for people who have no empathy. Because in my experience those are the people with the most stubborn about their own behaviors, often can be narcissists and don't believe there is room for growth because they're just such a perfect 10 out of 10.
I'd like to confess a small sorrow that took me 23 years to fully accept, that my partner is not telepathic.
Thanks David
Thats what we have been saying the whole TIME
😂😂😂😂😂
Every woman figures there man is a mind reader its must be in there DNA?
Being honest with someone is a minefield. Enter at your own risk. (Hint: You better be extremely skilled).
Summary:
Honest is a love preserving mechanism - by regularly voicing our small sorrows and our minor irritations . Nothing is too small or too big to be discussed in a relationship. Make a relationship safe to voice out concerns without relating it as a big issue or not. Spend time with your partner understanding.
To preserve love is to also reduce resentment. ❤
I don't know if this is true in real life. I suspect these kinds of conversations could just lead to more arguments. Let's say your wife complains that you don't accompany her to her mother's house anymore. You listen to her explain why it's important to her. Then you explain why watching football on Sunday is important to you. Now what? Who is forced to sacrifice what's important to them? But that's a benign example. What if you don't like her mother but you never told her. Do you explain that you think her mother is annoying and vapid? Now she is hurt and angry.
I suspect there is a difference between such haughty ideals like a completely honest relationship where every issue is discussed and reality. But I keep an open mind regardless. Has anyone actually practiced this successfully?
@@GizmoMaltese This is true. As someone who tried to be open and honest about things like that, it only made my partner more irritable and moody. The more I pointed out small things like "I don't like raisins, please stop buying my raisin muffins" the more they pushed back and labelled my honesty as being 'difficult and ungrateful.'
@@GizmoMaltese I understand your point when it comes to conversations that needs compromise but it is hard to tackle all solutions with one simple video from youtube. Your examples are totally valid btw and that could be true too in certain situations that make us sound like we are complaining and sound ungrateful to our partner.. maybe we could enhance our knowledge more on our own approach to voice out the concerns we have in our relationship and how our partners should also be ready to listen and discuss how there are issues that really matters for us to voice out..
Unfortunately most people can't handle honesty
@@GizmoMalteseell if you had been honest about not being that fond of her mum from the beginning, you might not be in this position rn. For the other stuff: ask your wife if there are other things you can do/acconpany her to make her feel loved. She doesn't know you actually dislike accompaning her. So, a good compromise would have been to find other days/activities to make her feel loved. This issue is actually quite easily solvable if both work together. Needs can be met in various number of ways. So yes, i know a number of people who have successful relationships by talking together and finding solutions.
Told my partner at the start of our relationship: 'whenever you have a problem with something, I want you to ALWAYS talk to me about it, no matter what'. She does, and so do I. We haven't had one major fight or disagreement so far, 2 years in. Which is incredible for her because she constantly clashed with every other ex she's had. We give each other time to talk about things and never shut each other down. If one of us has a problem, we both prioritise fixing that problem. We haven't given hate or resentment a chance to fester and it's working damn well.
Sounds just like my partner and I. We’re also 2 years in❤️
That sounds incredible! And that is exactly the kind of relationship I would like to have.
I've tried to be (fairly) open to my new boyfriend and ask him to be honest about certain things (or everything really) and it does feel like it has helped..
But I would still like to sit down with him once and agree to ALWAYS talk to each other about what upsets us.
I'm still a little bit afraid of doing that, because he seems to be a little bit more distant. Doesn't want to get "official" yet, although he did say that he considers us to be one step beyond just "dating". I have an anxious attachment style and need a lot of reassurance, so him not responding to a text for hours or not wanting to call is very difficult for me to deal with. And there are some other things that really bother me too-- I have no idea if there are things about me that are bothering him, because (I think) he's not very good at telling me about his displeasures yet. Maybe because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings, but I would ALWAYS prefer the both of us to be honest with one another.. that is the only way to TRULY understand and respect each other and to make it last in the long run. 💚
Ps. the reason he has told me that he doesn't want to become "official" yet is because he had just come out of another relationship not too long before he and I met and started dating, so he's afraid of getting hurt again. Him telling me this and being open and vulnerable has helped me understand him & accept that we'll just have to take things a little slower than I perhaps would prefer ~ which is a perfect example of why communicating clearly *_works._*
Love (the fire of passion) "lasts" 2 years.
After that ? Real life...
How's it going now?
I wish more men did this.🥲
Why I love school of life because they are so on point and touch on everything we all feel but struggle to articulate.
Trueeee
Hey Jerry😊! Nobody asked❤❤. Thank you and I hope you have a great day🤗🙋♀️
@@taytayshaniqua.8686 what's going on here
@@taytayshaniqua.8686 are you ok?
@@taytayshaniqua.8686i think you misread their comment
These videos are so validating. I realize what I wanted was healthy just surrounded by people who insisted on unhealthy dynamics and shamed me for having thoughts, feelings or needs that were inconvenient to them
Yes, for me too. It’s finding closure and leaving these types of situations because we value ourselves, our needs and capacity to seek out environments/relationships that truly nurture + benefit wellbeing (on all fronts).
I’m reminding myself when core needs (honesty, trust, safety) & inner peace are compromised, it’s time to move on - because loving oneself will always bring about a change for better.💙
Yes!!
This is more of my thought. I wasn't sure if it's about being more female, because there's certainly guys like this. It seems more that we're around social circles where we're just discouraged from voicing our thoughts because it doesn't show good outcomes. Its effect is of course stronger if we grew up with it, but I think even a current & on-going treatment like that could nudge a person to stop sharing or even feeling their real thoughts & feelings
@@jjQlLlLq I couldn't agree with you more
Same. Glad we recognised it.
After watching this video, I instantly think about my partner and me. Then I called him to express my gratitude. He is a gentle soul who always treats me patiently and cares for my feelings. This means way more than wealth or power. Thank you my dear for walking into my life.
How beautiful :)
We often forget that minor disappointments can accumulate and dampen love. On the contrary, when they are expressed honestly and constructively, they become love retention mechanisms that strengthen our bond 💟
Absolutely
We need to be taught how to have these conversations with our loved ones in our society because they are so difficult. This video focuses on being able to talk about these things, but another important aspect is being able to HEAR these things from your partner and to respond appropriately. So much easier said than done, and it would help us all if we learned this from a young age, because the vast vast VAST majority of people don't ever learn them.
I have NEVER felt such a synchronicity in my life. I just got done having a long, LONG discussion with my new boyfriend about how I want us to be able to make each other uncomfortable in order for us to make it in the long-term. This video hit my thoughts ON THE MONEY.
I can only wish I find a girlfriend who would be open, and even enthusiastic, about voicing her thoughts and feelings, and listening to mine. It is indeed important to be able to make each other uncomfortable, even upset, to make it in the long-term. Wishing you the best with your boyfriend!
I don’t think making each other uncomfortable is a great idea, but learning to navigate discomfort and talking through them is important.
This video makes me cry. I had something bugging me about a friend, something she said sometime back. I finally got the chance to air it out this week and she was so responsive and empathic it felt so good. Really strengthened our friendship that conversation.
This skill took me so long to learn in my relationships, I've wondered why my wife and I don't fight or argue anymore - it's because we talk and voice our concerns immediately when we feel them now, rather than letting them bottle up inside
I used to have a monthly relationship checkin with my ex partner. That was the first time I was doing it in any relationship and I believe it really helped me not blaming myself for the things that eventually went wrong in our relationship. Communicate, folks. Ask questions. Listen. Take notes if you have to. Improve.
what went wrong? could you have averted it?
@@ames774 it was just an open floor kinda thingy. I would legit just ask her if I was doing anything that bothered her, if she wanted more of my time, or if she wanted space, if there was something we could do differently etc.
@@rishubhbijlani2815 Could I have averted what went wrong? Honestly, I don't know at this point and my ex partner is the one who could answer it really haha. It's been some time!
Communication is the key. Well, I ended 3 years relationship because the other won't communicate anything and just put me in silence whenever stress strike him out. It's really sad for me, but thanks to this video, I'll learn it for my next relationship :) ❤
This is a current problem I am having in my relationship the word complain is thrown around alot when I have a concern especially if its small. Im glad to hear this is normal on my part and should be addressed. Definitely Need to let my partner hear this thank you ❤
We're glad our film arrived at a good time for you. Best of luck for your future conversation.
If you allow me, I have a small advice about how to bring it up: tell your partner that you just want to be heard and vent a little and that you encourage them to do the same, put the emphasis on how it will be cathartic for both of you, and if they tell you they don't like complaining and that it's a bad habit - like in the video - separate your (both of you) complaining in a controlled setup from whining.
Best of luck :)
@@MohamedTarikRochdi thank you 🙂
@@theschooloflifetv Thank you 🙂
I wish you the best. I have the same problem with some of my friends. Sitting down and listening to the other person telling you what bothers them, albeit sounding to you unimportant, is something we should all strive to do for healthier relationships.
if you wanna make love last forever theres certain things you have to do. the first is to have realistic expectations and that means undertsanding everyone comes with pros and cons, and just cause someone else may not have the same set of cons doesnt mean that they are a better option. The second thing to do is to appreciate all the pros you do have. We tend to take things for granted and the things that were once nice gestures have become expectations. The third thing to do is to make sure you have equal compromise or equal sacrifices, you cant just make one party do everything you want. If you cant trust yourself or your partner to be fair you must implement fair rules you both agree to before arguments break out. It may not seem like it but failure to compromise which falls under communication is probably one of the biggest relationship killers. The last and final thing is to not get too comfortable in your relationship. The longer your with someone the less effort you tend to put in where as at the beginning stage of a relationship you do everyhting you can to impress that person. Over time dates become less frequent, you stop trying to look nice, you stop caring about what your partner might think or say. In the worst case scenarios the things your partnert might have loved you for you have completely stopped doing. Some people fall out of love and dont even know that this is the reason why. They are unable to trace it to a single event or anything specific that their partner is doing wrong because its about what they stopped doing. when your the person that feels soemthing is off in your relationship your job is to communicate that with you partner to give them a chance to fix the problem instead of letting yourself fall out of love.
It’s a good perspective, and I’ll add in that it’s key to voice those small irritable things in non-combative ways. Learning to hush the ego, specially those who are prone to getting rattled, can be the difference between moving forward together or simply pinning something on your partner.
Statements like “X happened and because X happened it made me feel this way” is very different than “you did this, you did that, you are this and you are that…”.
In my previous relationship I experienced the latter, and it made me feel like shit. That’s why that partner and I are no longer together. For a while I confused that partner’s openness with true intimacy. It wasn’t, it was ego and lack of delivery.
In my current relationship, I’ve met someone where we say “this happened and it made me feel this way” and then we openly talk about it without pinning things on each other. We are moving forward together.
To get to this point I had to break up, grieve, go to therapy, learn about attachment styles, and process what triggers me. Only then was I ready to go into a relationship again, and because of putting in the work, this one has open conversations like this video portrays.
Very, very important message, thank you. ❤
There is no such thing as falling out of love, it's just an excuse to not deal with issues, this was a very well made video, communication is a deep part of intimacy in every aspect, it can solve so many problems.
Heartbroken 2 months ago. I did my best, I was present, I checked on them through thick and thin, emotionally and physically available for them, yet they opted to choose somebody else..
Love hurts.
Have you learned anything from this heartbreak? Signs you ignored or ways in which you failed to show up for yourself?
@@sparkstudies1675 I tried to reflect back on it as I’m currently still in the healing stage, and there were times when they weren’t initiating conversations, or asking much about me. From their end, it was infrequent, not as regular as before. Furthermore, communication - whenever there is any thing to discuss or talk about, it was very difficult for me to get information until I ask and ask. Whereas I would share quite regularly, even without them asking becuase I considered them a valuable person.
Sounds like they weren't ready for you. Time to love yourself by yourself until someone who can value you comes along
9 years and going strong, before either of us are even 30 years old. The puppy-love phase never went away, and it's because we're constantly communicating and honest. The real problem that I usually see is that most people aren't intelligent enough to understand the truths about their self, so they can't see and communicate those truths to their partner. Self-reflection is rare.
this is sooo soo on point, with a previous spouse who will not take responsibility for antyhing, eventually I learnt to shut up and not complain at all, and the relationship died it's natural death. rapidly and thouroughly discussed is a great keyword, respect and lots of grace would have caused a difference. Thank you for this
30 years married next month. Have been caught up in this very thing for at least the last dozen years.
I hope you can make some changes. You and your partner deserve happiness.
Another big help in my opinion is trying to be comfortable talking about things that may be uncomfortable to talk to your lover about. For example, if you’ve thought mildly about intimacy with another, or even had your doubts about the relationship. It is silly to keep these thoughts away as if they’re secrets from our lover. Sometimes, we cannot help the thoughts that cross our minds, or the inclinations we have, but we can chose how we respond to and handle this thoughts. And it is always better to be transparent about our struggles, and honestly ask for help or support, rather than feeling guilty and internalizing the shame of a problem you’re scared to address until it reaches a head.
Resentment towards a loved one: over time it only leads to a breakup/heartbreak. How to prevent it ? Listen to your partner, validate their feelings, ask for forgiveness from the place of love. Sadly, not many couples can communicate openly without getting defensive, etc. The 4 Horsemen from Gottman Institute is a good place to start.
Communication in a relationship is SO important. Ultimately this is what real intimacy is all about...
So true
This video brings to the forefront a simple, yet very powerful truth about what makes and brakes relationships - open and honest dialogue. You don't have to look at the statistics, but if you did, you can see numerous studies that demonstrate that the happiest marriages are those with the lowest threshold of tolerance before a partner speaks up. And it is no wonder, for voicing both the joy and the irritation of one's experiences in life (including those with your partner) is the only way that you can present your true inner self. After all, isn't that what sits at the core of love - showing and seeing the true versions of yourselves?
Love is the highest value, and its foundation is truth and trust.
What small sorrow would you like to confess to your partner? Let us know in the comments
Little sorrows impact people differently... if the person is a problem solver, it can be a good condiment in a relationship.
The truth in my perception is that end of a short or long love history starts when you lose the enchantment of a good future together. Why because your ilusions came down or because you saw big personality flaws.
always base their decision out of laziness
It's not a small sorrow. It is immense resentment. Broken heart and ignored debris. No identity left. Only a kid to care for. She hides behind the fear that she might disappoint me. I never say anything. But it's not like things aren't there. They are all right where where they were right from the start. All of them to be processed by myself individually and present a happy, smiling face in the morning.
This made me realize my wife and I need counseling. Gonna find a a marriage counselor and watch this video with all 3 of us present. Then gonna start doing some work. I was wondering why something was off. It's this. It's definitely this.
You told me:
“ If you ever do cocaine you’ll break my heart.”
So I never did, I never touched the stuff.
I didn’t want to break your heart. Didn’t want to fail you.
"Scraping the barnacles off the keel of our relationSHIP" is a delightfully understated bit of wordplay.
To make love last for a lifetime, you must be dedicated and committed to your partner. Support each others' dreams and goals. Even when life gets in the way, make the time to make them feel important.
I was head over heels in love 3 years ago. He is an introvert and never talks to me the way i feel like he should. We both are terrible for each other and now i can see our silence that made him mystical, has made our love silent.
If I could... I would give this video a million likes at least... very well done and put together... plus, this is the best advice that you can get in your life to make your relationship work ❤
My partner and I have been together for 7 years. Having good communication and honesty requires an enormous amount of vulnerability. We never dismiss the others feelings and try very hard to not get defensive when we have a misunderstanding. Sometimes apologizing when you did nothing wrong on purpose is the best thing for your relationship. There are no sides and no points; there's only Team Us.
It makes sense: when you think of couple’s therapy, you think about seeing people finally throw out all their frustrations and then talk about it as adults.
Time and time again when I watch these the key aspect of maintaining a romantic relationship is communication. So many times I have seen couples who do not properly talk things out without putting their ego aside and just talking about things that have hurt them.
ah! this must be why communication is important in a love relationship. only so we can properly vent out and express our feelings of frustration of our partners. through talking it out that we lessen the tension in the relationship
This is such an interesting topic because it's one I'm really struggling with at the moment. My partner will jump on anything... The way I throw a teabag away, the way I express myself, and want to talk about it at length and how it made her feel. Sometimes it's several times a day, to the point where I'm nervous to say anything incase it turns into an argument or long, emotional discussion. Rather than feeling healthy, this feels draining and miserable. I feel guilty for things that are arbitrary; nervous to express any kind of opinion. Not sure where the line is between good communication and toxic over-sensitivity. Anyone else struggling with this?
I am. But with my brother. And I will tell you right now, it's toxic. I would suggest couples counseling. Or talking to her about it. That one may be hard since the dynamic is already set, but things needs to be said. You shouldn't have to live like this. I feel like if she really loved you, she would feel awful and work things out if she knew you feel like this. Or maybe see a therapist yourself and see where to go fr there. (However I would just like to say slowly distancing myself made me the happiest. But that's bc I know I'll never be good enough to them, but that's okay cause I found people that do. Im not condoning this one. But if u do decide to try my method. Check to see how her absence affects you. And use that to help you decide your next step). I wish you the best
You should talk to her about how uncomfortable that makes you. Several times in a day sounds like she is upset about something else and taking it out on you or she doesn't like alot of things about you. If she cares, you sharing your feelings will make her snap out of it.
Several times a day is too frequent. Like with all things, it should be done in moderation. The point of the exercise is to deepen understanding of one another, your partner isn't supposed to be pressuring and burdening you- atp it sounds like she wants someone else since she finds so many issues with you
Honestly, friend, what you're describing is an element of the domestic violence cycle - whittling down your self confidence over time disempowers you. I may have it totally wrong, but I'd guide you towards looking into coercive control and just checking if anything else clicks.
I used to do this when I was depressed and very sensitive. You need to talk to them about it. One thing that helped me was first listening and understanding how much it hurt my partner and damaged my relationship, and through that understanding I developed a habit of not saying anything if I wasn't sure that it seriously bothered me. We started to have "worry discussions" once a week, where I would name the things that bothered me, and oftentimes by the time of the discussion I had realized that something was too minor to even mention. But it was important for me to bite my tongue and inhibit the need to criticise, which was easier when I knew that I would get the chance later.
Another thing is, that there should be 5× more praise than critisism in a relationship. Strive for that.
Hope this helps someone
This is the exact reason why I broke up with my girlfriend a little bit ago. We had some conversations near the end of our (relatively short) relationship in which I felt that she heavily implied that I just wanted her for sex, which hurt me incredibly deeply. This became the straw that broke the camels back to me, and instead of talking to her about it, I ended it. Looking back there were many moments, even small ones, where Im sure we both said or did something that really offended the other but we failed to adequately communicate and work through it. Thanks for the perspective with this video
go back to her and communicate.
@@taghazoutmoon5031 thanks for comment. I actually did reach out and we talked about what happened. At the end of the day I came to the conclusion that I had actually made the right decision that this wasn't the girl for me. It doesn't mean I hate her, but we have different expectations for communication in a relationship. I also feel secure enough in myself to not be in a relationship just to be in one. Theres always more fish in the sea!
@Aldog there's always more fish, but different fish, other problems, maybe even the same problems. It's a lot of work and lost time always starting with a new person. Sometimes better to work on what you already have
@@taghazoutmoon5031 fair points but at the same time I personally feel confident I made the right decision. I think that for my situation I came to understand that while she might have cared about me, we had different interest levels in each other. I believe she is a sincere person but somewhat emotionally unavailable. I felt i took the time for self improvement and genuine reflection during our break, she felt she was still working on it. I felt I was honest about how my issues ended our initial relationship, how I've thought them over, and how I now feel as well. She was not able to meet me on terms that I felt comfortable with, and I flat-out refuse to "wait" for someone. Doing so is not fair for either person. Doesn't make her a bad person, just a bad person to waste romantic energy on. IMO that kinda goes with you saying relationships take a lot of time and work; life is only so long so why fall into a sunk cost fallacy? Thanks for the comment!
@Aldog sounds good. At least you tried. She might have gotten defensive after you broke up with her. I distance myself too from a man I love when I feel he's not as invested. It still hurts and doesn't mean I'm any less interested in him. Just a bad protection mechanism that might backfire because your partner then also feels you distant. There's so much contradictory and bad advice out there. Women are told not to chase when he breaks up or gets distant...but then, that might just create more distance than if the woman just showed her love. It's an ego game.
i love watching these and applying them to friendships or any other relationship
I have been feeling so bad for replaying an unaddressed hurt in my head and wondering why I can't seem to be bigger than this key relationship-hurt that keeps coming up for me. I was very surprised to find that I identified with the 'quiet rage' in this video. I feel like I am presenting a false version of myself by acting like everything in our relationship is just fine and dandy.
I have concerns about addressing this hurt - but I'm also sure that two things will come of it:
1) my partner will feel blindsided (because he has no idea how thoughtless the issue in question was - and if he does, then that too might have been based on his own 'quiet rage').
2) he will have felt some hurts of his own that I was not aware of, and I know I'll feel uncomfortable learning about a side of my behaviour that I was not aware of.
I'll be sharing this video with him. But boy oh boy, it sure feels yucky to choose to go through this process initially, and know that it will probably be uncomfortable for both of us. But this unaddressed hurt has too much negative power over me right now and needs to be dealt with. However, overall I'm sure it will all end up being ok as we've been together for almost 30 years and ideally it will bring us even closer together.
If you've been together for that long I imagine this is something your love can handle. This video really is relatable, so flawlessly articulated. I hope all goes well for you, would love to hear an update :0
I want to share this video with my partner but am scared at how they'll react.
@@sparkstudies1675 Thank you for your confidence in our love and your curiosity. I didn't show him the video, but I will share it with him down the road a bit. However, I did address the issue and I am so very glad that I did. I won't go into the details of it, but it turns out that I unknowingly had a hand in creating the issue as well. We were both harboring our own quiet rage. By having a respectful and patient conversation about it made a lot of difference in our relationship. I feel like a burden has been lifted off of my heart. And you were right, this was something that our love could handle.
@@PickleballWanderer Yes, we had the conversation and I am so glad that we did! It was hard hearing that I had unknowingly had a part in creating the issue (through a quick and angry reaction that I had long forgotten). So we both got to air our hurts and understand that things weren't quite the way we thought they were. We made our peace with our hurts and each other, and I feel like a burden has been lifted.
I'm really grateful to this video for bringing this about.
It's so soothing to again hear your voice, Alain.
Possibly the best video that I've seen from this channel. This issue ended a marriage and is in the process of killing another relationship if I let it.
Yep, this is hitting home for me. These issues were present on both sides in a previous marriage of mine… sad to hear but affirming at the same time.
This resonates so very much to my own experiences and feelings. Once, when my partner and I were joking around with each other, I asked him to buy me something, to which he jokingly replied "Why would I pay for you?" as a funny remark to my very funny statement. However, it struck something deeply insecure into me, that it made me feel so very worthless. It goes back to how I was treated in childhood by my mother who would always see me as a burden of expense.. I was so embarrassed that I didn't even want to let him know I was feeling this bad, about seemingly a minor joke.. which was immensely hurtful to me. But later, I talked at length and let my partner know how I felt and WHY I felt this way. He kindly listened and replied very lovingly. I felt so relieved that he acknowledged my feelings and made me feel so loved and worthwhile. I really love him a lot 🥹
I'm happy to hear that he responded that way ❤❤
@@sparkstudies1675 He really did ^^ I am happy my comment reached you :)
"Forever" is a word used by children. It doesn't exist in the real world. Love and respect yourself. Everything else is a bonus.
I agree, In other words you need to be able to forgive and keep forgiving.
i've got 2words - perfect timing. needed to hear this. will definitely use this stuff to make things better
Takes two to tango. One side doing all the opening up and not hoarding negative feeling is not going to salvage. Unfortunately, more people are selfish today. They’d rather cycle thru bedmates or short term relationships to not compromise or modify their ways.
I experience more and more that being in a healthy relationship requires that the people involved strive to grow and mature emotionally throughout life. Being honest with oneself and choose to believe that any feedback given is meant with the best intention.
It is an ongoing process that requires daily nurturing.
“I am not this hair, I am not this skin, I am the soul that lives within.” -Rumi
Stay in love with the soul beyond ❤
Seems to be a mallu 🧐
One thing I love about School of Life is that we intuitively know what's being said when we approach the lesson with trust and good faith. This could easily be mistaken as advice saying to allow our partners to endlessly nitpick and verbally abuse us regularly but we know that this isn't what this is really about. It's about a healthy give and take of mutual consideration. I would like to feel more heard and do better in the future to make others feel heard and cared about in a trusting way. Thank you School of Life ❤❤
this makes so much sense, especially as someone who often lets people walk all over them - of course never bringing things up (with the risk of being annoying, "ruining the mood" etc... hello fellow good girls) builds resentment over time... and it's so important to allow oneself to feel the emotions, of disappointment, sadness etc, to actually move on from them!
Communication in any healthy relationship, is always key.
The analogy at the end regarding scraping the barnacles off the keel is perfect
this literally speaks to my heart, we had a major fight which led to breakup . i want him to stay with me. if he reads this i love you so much . i wish you love me back too. looking forward to a better relationship hopefully if we follow this
literally came to this channel for some relationship advice. they put everything i was feeling into words and im so glad i came at the right time❤
I’ve had 2 relationships in my life - long ones - I know how to keep things interesting for ever by giving my partner complete autonomy on their own terms ! there might be a ‘we but there is also you & me - separate but together is how I shall put it - my relationships were successfully happy !
Absolutely and this is why i ended our relationship became he never allowed me to express how i felt, ever!!! He never heard me, never listened, would dismiss everything i said, i became invisible and *no-one* wants to live feeling unseen, unheard and unloved. He never rook responsibility or accountability for any of his actions! I just can't understand someone like that. He left 2 days ago and i feel so much lighter and peaceful ❤
Honesty is a love-saving mechanism
So many golden nuggets in a short video! Takes time to digest
Maybe the most important video I have stumbled upon in last 5 years or more.
It always ends up fading too fast for me. Maybe because I'm more into the idea of being in love than actually being in love.
Another School of Life video that when put into practice, totally worked! Thanks again Alain and co.
I enjoyed the video, felt very immeresed and made me think.
Adressing things that annoys me is an issue I struggle with
😮 this video is gold. I'm struggling a lot lately to be open about what upsets me, hopefully I'll get it through it
It takes work… doesn’t it. Constructive, honest, free from judgement, but work none the less.
Me and my partner have lots of little chats like this. Just little check ups on how the other is doing and if there have been any things on the other persons mind that they haven’t wanted to bring up. And we sit and talk about it and resolve anything that might have previously been unsaid. I grew up in a household where this wasn’t a thing and I am grateful for my partner being patient with me learning not to get so defensive, and I am slowly learning how to share my feelings.
thank you so much for this.
i am recently going through a break up where we, loving each other a lot, had many small issues untold throughout our relationship. now looking back, i see that communication in these small issues actually makes a big difference.
i wish i could have had this in mind before. but thank you for helping me learn a lesson i had to learn regardless.
❤❤ we love to see growth
Your animator is so talented!
Thanks for another great video.
Thank you - we only ever work with the best in the business. You can find more about our animators by clicking 'Show More' in the description of each film.
i was recently broken up with for the first time and I'm trying to find ways of improving myself. i imagined getting broken up with would make me hyper aware of what i could be doing better. but right now I'm lost, only having one blanket statement critique that was "you need to learn to communicate." i want to be better in any way that i can, and im going to therapy and working on my insecurities, but im struggling trying to figure out what about me caused my partner to leave, and feel happier without our relationship. i want to be happy too, and i know that means i have to reflect and grow from this. but right now, im just lost as to where i went wrong.
The more videos I watch from School of Life, the more I realise that I’m actually in a very healthy relationship❤️
I laughed out loud at …..omitted to put a second kiss at the end of an email …..Love these videos……they’re enlightening about how complex we humans are ❤👏👏👏👏
This is extremely accurate and I didn't know it was a thing.
The times I acted indifferent were actually times I could sense and detect some resentment inside me towards my boyfriend. It was that. I am sure it was 100% resentment and it is not like he cheated on me or anything but I was annoyed for little things I didn't tell him and resentment was growing.
One time we were arguing and he asked me what I was thinking and I said "I resent you", it simply got out of my chest like that and it was liberating
So happy to watch a video from school of life and realise my wife and I already do this. made me feel so wise and sensible 🌺 and yes it works wonders for our relationship 🌹
the hardest thing is when the lover is gone, but the deep love is still there, years later, deep and robust and a wrenching burden.
Complaining or being upset over little things is seen as negative and people shame them for being ungrateful instead of listening to them
This was very insightful
So strange that this should pop up in my suggestions list. This is exactly what I’ve started to say to my partner of 18 years. I’d stay quiet, things that annoyed me I’d “let it go”. Then at the weekend after a few drinks I’d end up shouting at him and telling him how useless he was. I’ve come to realise it’s way healthier to stop and tell him what’s wrong in the moment rather than keeping issues bottled up only for them to explode later. I think he understands that and only yesterday we put it into action and the following morning he apologised. So it works.
No, it's up to every person to understand that there is no bad intent on the other side in those meaningless quirks that annoy us. You should observe your partner and trust in his good intentions. We should also take responsibility for our impulsive thoughts, process them, and meditate rather than bother our partner and nitpick which will make them feel constantly criticised.
The only problems that should be discussed in length, with great care and effort are those of the future and common goals, from there trust evolves and the annoyance rarely arises.
If it does arise a lot it is often sign of confusion and fear that we will be let down. Talking about those small things will not help. Instead the topics like your future together and what makes you bond should be addressed and defined.
School of Luv ❤️❤️❤️ Let's all heal and be happier!
One fact I understand now about love after recovering from a 2 year relationship is that no matter how hard you try you simply cannot change a person , if that other person is not resonating with you and you are obviously wondering why is that so it’s because it wasn’t meant to be and it simply cannot exist without demise and arguments, toxic relationships are a thing and you should stay far away from any. Don’t let a person stop you from who you are meant to be , stay strong.
hey df, Ive been reading a lot about karma and im still not sure what it is exactly, but all i know is i dont wish anything bad on you, and i asked god and the universe to take it easy on you so you dont have to go through all that I did. I truly never meant to talk to others, or make you feel jealous and like i was playing with you. god knows the truth and that i thought certain people where literally you, and I never intentionally meant to betray you or hurt you in anyway. Im sorry taylor, and i hope we can make amends and that you will be able to forgive me. i forgive you for all you did to me, and i still want the best for you and i will always think so highly of you. youre free df, and if i owe you anything please let me know how I can make it up to you so we can both stop crying and all the hurt, and be at peace with everything. I love you taylor, and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day
I like this...but a balance has to exist between addressing things and letting other things go...pick your battles!!!
Me and the mrs met in a bar, she came home with me and.... we had fun. We met up a few times over the next couple of weeks, before we found out she was pregnant. Now, it adds to the story that Im abroad, in Cambodia, and are planning to go back to Norway within a few weeks.. Well, now Im here 4 years later, with a son and a fiancè I love very much. I think a lot of the reasons is that we made a deal back then: ok, we are having this child together. I would like us to try and build a relationship because I like you, even though we have only known each other a few weeks. I honestly can not say that I love you, because its too soon for that... but I would like to get there.
I think this is a lot of the reason we still are together. We started as friends that needed to work together on this, and we slowly let it build into a more and more loving relationship.
I wish my now ex partner had told me what was bothering him instead of "dealing with it". I used to ask if he was ok or if i upset him and these kinds of questions annoyed him and he insisted he was fine. It turns out he kept everything inside. Meanwhile i was always trying to have conversations about what was bothering me and although he listened, nothing changed. Some relationships and loves can't be saved or made to last forever.
The salt shaker of mental health… I love its sound
To complain in love is a noble thing, wow.
i experienced the exact same thing last week - when there were weeks of small things accumulating which I was particularly unhappy about with my partner, but was simultaneously being unfair to my partner by not raising it to them and giving them the chance to respond (because i was afraid of being whiny and always raising issues!). Arranged a time to speak and it went really well! Loved how eloquently this video summarized how we should always be honest in a r/s
But I get so sad and upset when small things i have done bother someone. like i cannot stop myself from crying and feeling despondant and humiliated over it. it has ruined my relationships that i cannot manage this kind of thing. I can't bear to share my own little grievances for fear of making the other person feel the same terrible way that i do when they have done it to me. I can see rationally that this is not correct or reflective of reality. But the pain is too great, and I feel doomed.
I love this video, and I see are a few important unaddressed issues that deserve attention: 1) frustrations and angers are conflated with small sorrows and these are different, though related, and complaining may need to be done differently for these. 2) being seen, understood, and valued may be unequal redress or response for some complaints. What then? 3) why should this video focus only on couples, why not also apply this to friendships and other important enduring relationships? 4) I love the applied philosophy here, and would love even more a deeper integration with psychology and social psychology in this series.
There’s a lot to be said for peaceful solitude. I’d rather enjoy the world alone than waste time or energy on anyone undeserving.
Communication is key. ALWAYS
This resonates with me and describes my situation at this very moment.
This is such a great segment, per usual.
Does anyone else inherently trust his advice because of his voice?
I think the term he's trying to pinpoint here is not fury it is contempt. We develop contempt overtime over every little misdeed done to us. Contempt will destroy a relationship, and it is seldom ever retrievable. I have never met anybody in any relationship for any period of time that did not have a certain level of contempt for their partner. Unless they are in total denial.
There will always be some. Love is tested when you venture out with your most vulnerable feelings to find out how much room is available to hold them ❤
This was pure gold. Thank you
THAT... WAS LOVELY.... thank you
Somewhat awful to have know this for the entirety of a relationship and still kinda end up in this exact situation. The succession of minor disappointments destroying admiration and love. I knew this could happen and did my best to stop it, but one can't work alone.
I have a large problem where I love someone a lot in the "honeymoon phase" and then as I get more used to them I tend to feel nothing. I am hardly ever angry or uncomfortable. Even when I absolutely love them and they have not angered me at all. They are very supportive and nice, yet I just feel nothing. I usually never feel anything. I am always neutral usually and most of the time my only sadness comes from my lack of ability to love someone. I usually am very communicative with my partners and that typically causes them to be open to communicate with me too. The only time I feel anything is when I am laughing at a joke or when I hear sad news. The most intense and powerful feeling I ever feel is love and grievance, but these feelings only last for a very little amount of time. So I don't believe my problem is anger.
I've found that spending time away and reconnecting with myself helps me feel the absence of love and thus rekindle my passion and appreciation for it. Thinking and talking about the things we sometimes take for granted or otherwise tackling some new challenge or novel conversational topic might also be helpful. I would also recommend looking into attachment theory or bringing this up in therapy if you can. I don't believe the feeling of numbness is just there for no reason. I know that sometimes I can be like that when I lack perspective and am operating off of autopilot or haven't been keeping busy enough in other aspects of my life. Hope you figure it out ❤
Well, I guess that’s how you are
@@sparkstudies1675 Good point
Attachment styles had something on this, explaining how some ppl want the partner only when they can’t have them but are not interested when they are available. Maybe it’s relevant to look it up, I think School Of Life had a video
This is exactly what I needed to watch!
All I have to say is thank you
Love is a balloon that loses air gradually and will shrivel eventually if no air is reinserted. Communication is air.
I've made a vow to myself that I will not marry someone whose emotional maturity is not on par with or better than mine, frankly, if she hasn't consumed hours of TSOL content she aint the one. This is a pre-requisite course to become my wife.
Why? If the reason isn't obvious already I can tell you stories of my previous relationship where I was the one always trying to discuss and have mature conversations about things that bother me or even her so we dont let things pile up, but she would deflect and push away and get angry at me for bringing up any uncomfortable conversations and forever delay it even if that means I'm going to be upset for a long time she didn't care. "Sometimes i need time and space to process things" but that time and space become absurdly lengthy to a point we forget what the issue was really, or worse, gaslighting becomes a natural easier method of defense. "I didn't say it like that u just don't remember it anymore" or "i did that? When? I think you're projecting" ah such the familiar tales. The whole time she's taking to process things, im suffering in pain for days through her time and space where all i needed was just a genuine apology or acknowledgement of her actions. Point is, one person being emotionally educated is simply not enough if the other person isn't willing to grow and learn, no matter how much love, patience or forgiveness is involved. Forgiving such a person's childish tendencies and toxic repeatable irregularities can in turn serve to our own self sabotage. Therefore, once you've established that they are simply "who they are" and not seemingly willing to grow or change, because as western societies have convinced them "you must love me as I am" then, my brother/sister of whatever religion, leave, leave early, leave fast.
Watch out for people who have no empathy. Because in my experience those are the people with the most stubborn about their own behaviors, often can be narcissists and don't believe there is room for growth because they're just such a perfect 10 out of 10.
Lol agreed