Stop Auto-Accommodating - For Empaths, Codependents & Highly Sensitive People - Terri Cole
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- Опубликовано: 16 июн 2024
- Would you consider yourself a highly sensitive person or an empath?
What I’ve discovered is that sometimes we are so consciously and unconsciously dialed into our environment that it can compromise internal peace.
The concept of Auto-Accommodating refers to the unconscious compulsion to avoid conflict or issues even when they are not your own. Sometimes it can present as just wanting to be “helpful,” which seems like a nice thing to do unless you can’t turn it off.
Let’s say you’re in a restaurant with a loved one with a beautiful meal in front of you.
Are you aware of everything going on around you? The people’s conversations at other tables, the wait staff, maybe even the party of 4 that came in frustrated that they have to wait and are giving the hostess a hard time?
Now let me ask you this…in this scenario, do you find your eyes sweeping the room to check and see which diners are almost ready to leave so as to help “accommodate” the person hassling the hostess? (Even if you say nothing, the act of seeking a solution to what is not your problem is the point, here.)
If you’re nodding your head yes, then this episode is for you.
While it might seem like you’re being kind and helpful to others (and you might be!), I want to shed light on how the unconscious mechanism of auto-accommodating could be compromising your precious mental and emotional space and what you can do about it.
Download the free guide that accompanies this episode here: terricole.com/stop-auto-accom...
Time Stamps:
0:00 - Introduction
1:10 - What auto-accommodating looks like
3:53 - The cost of auto-accommodating
6:00 - Why do we feel compelled to auto-accommodate?
8:40 - What does being in a state of hyper-awareness feel like?
11:45 - How can you start to heal from auto-accommodating? Breathing exercises
14:12 - Creating sacred time for you each morning and setting intentions
17:50 - How to gain more awareness
Related Videos:
• How to Stop Auto-Accom... - How to Stop Auto-Accommodating, Part 2
• Curb Codependent Antic... - Curb Codependent Anticipation
• Codependency & Over-Fu... - Codependency & Over-Functioning
• Are you Codependent or... - Are You Codependent or Caring?
• The Antidote to Over G... - The Antidote to Over Giving (Strategies to Stop)
• Stop Overgiving for Mo... - Stop Overgiving for More Balance + Less Resentment
ABOUT TERRI COLE:
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and global leading expert in female empowerment. For two decades, Terri has worked with some of the world’s most well-known personalities from international pop stars to Fortune 500 CEOs. Terri has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible, and then actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change i.e. true transformation. She empowers over 250,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, Real Love Revolution and Boundary Bootcamp + her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. She is also the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free (April 2021)
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Развлечения
I am this way, but I’m unlearning. The last time when I found myself almost becoming auto-accommodating was on my bday. I took myself out to a late lunch. My lunch was great and I paid the bill. The waitress asked me if I wanted to get a slice of coconut cake on the house for my bday. Of course I said yes and asked if it can be boxed bc i was heading out. I waited for the longest. The host came over to me and asked if I would move to another seat as a couple were coming in and wanted to sit together. My immediate thought was “oh let me move so they can be accommodated.” But then I shut that down bc I’m still waiting for service so I didn’t have to move to accommodate anyone. I was the priority in that moment. I told the host, “I’m waiting for my bday slice, so the seat will be available once I receive my to go box. Thank you.” I got my slice of cake and the couple got to sit together and I felt no guilt. The first time of many! Look out for you and ppl will know how to treat you!
omg, that is good!
Thoughts of a Gemini Presents...Let’s Vibe!
Bravo 👏🏼
Good for you! And as a restaurant worker I have to tell you that I would never ever ask anyone to leave in order to seat someone. The sky isn't gonna fall if some impatient people have to wait two more minutes to get seated.
Awesome and inspiring 😄
That's wonderful! And happy belated bday! - a fellow Gemini ♊😊🎂
Somebody gave me the sentence that changed my thinking forever.
"Not my circus. Not my monkeys."
And then walk away. Do your thing.
Saskia Ahaaha not my pasture, not my bs
One of my favs
Love that saying 😀
Several people have shared that exact quote with me lately, Saskia. I really love it!!
I use that all the time
Idk I would worry no one is taking proper care of the monkeys and I should step in
This explains why I become exhausted without knowing why, thank you
A narcissist will target an empath like a duck to a June bug....they will drain your energy and easily recognize your nature to “over accommodate” while ignoring your hypersensitivity. One must adapt to survive.
Lisa Gunnison that my marriage
Oh my gawd, 🙄 my whole freaking life, I've had to fight off Narcissit's. They are energy vampires. And a lot more.
This hit me to the core it now makes so much sense thank you!!!
and the victim is no longer empath due to these narcishits
So true.
Graduate college and move far enough to still visit family. 5 hours is far enough. I am finally living alone for the first time in my life. Absolute Freedom. Find God. And seek his love above all. I still work with people 4 days a week but on set boundaries and appointment times. You have to prioritize your mental, emotional and physical health. I know too many empaths with serious illnesses due to self neglect. Peace be with you all.
Wow this 100% resonates. The child adapting to the environment to survive... I feel empathy for myself.
100% resonates here as well. My childhood self went through a tough time. She needs a great big hug every single day for the rest of my life.
Me t oo. My childhood was a nightmare...sick, tyrannical parents
Perfectly said😢
Read The Drama of The Gifted Child by Alice Miller or CPTSD Pete Walker or The Myth of Normal Gabor Mate
I'm a cashier at a grocery store. Sometimes couples will argue in front of me and I have found myself getting tense while ringing up their order. I have to sing aloud or ask a co worker a random question to get out or disconnect from that energy.
I remind myself I'm not part of their drama and I don't have to sit in it with them.
I can laugh and they can glare at me all they want!
thats a great idea to sing, going to try that =)
@@AlegraChetti444 Hi Jennifer, I too, am a cashier at a Wellness boutique. I feel quite overwhelmed if I am up at the cash register too long with a constant flow of customers. Before this, I was a massage therapist for 10 years and I thought that was draining, (largely due to my poor energetic boundary skills)! The hilarious thing is that I thought when I got this retail gig I'd be in the clear- that it'd be far easier in the energetic boundary department. NOT!
but isn't that intentionally dissociating from the raw, pure, present moment reality? i'm positive it helps you calm down or melt away some of that tenseness. it's just that, in a perfect world, i'd love to be able to just be there with that tenseness, seeing the couple arguing, seeing what is really going on, standing with them, "sending" them the wish that they could know happiness, and heal. i would much rather be able to do this, then intentionally find some way to distract myself. if we make a habit of distracting, we don't exercise that muscle, we become reliant on distracting, and we never really get strong. what do you think? :)
@@Fire-Toolz I think that is a great goal, but until Jennifer Gilmore can gain that ability, she has a good defense mechanism.
Bickering in public is very rude. It is one of the many reasons I hated retail.
R Frizz yes, you do have to start somewhere. you’re right.
Those of us who were raised with one or both parents having Narcissistic Personality Disorder definitely learn auto accommodating as a survival skill. When you grow up as an extension of someone else and responsible for their emotions, there’s no real choice.
It takes a lot of guts to choose to heal and learn “to take your place at the sink” like everyone else! But it is very very worth it. 💕
My father is a narcissist and it’s such a struggle dealing with it. He has caused me to constantly feel complete responsibility for everyone’s emotions and just made me feel so small as a person, as though my only purpose in life is to please others. I’m only 15 yet whenever I talk with my dad I feel like the adult in the situation and I’ve had to mature quickly and I just miss being care free so much :( I hate how I’m constantly watching what I say around everyone now, because of him. Yet somehow my dad is still the victim, the one who needs constant attention and sympathy aghhh
You are right... But it IS possible. Pratice practice... Like the words you here inyour head.. You have t o make your own mantra's. You dony have tobe perfect your justgood the way you are
Viana I’m sorry that you are also going through this. I hope it helps to know that you are not alone.
A loving parent child relationship is pretty much the opposite of the narcissistic parent child relationship. It’s all upside down and backwards.
Perhaps that awareness can help you as you are aware of the behaviors and can see them for what they really are.
Narcissists absolutely love to be the Victim, and they will go to great lengths to be in that role. That’s a very very powerful position that they don’t like to give up!
One technique that they use is projection. Often times narcissists will say horrible things to make you feel guilty that are actually reflection of them and have nothing to do with your behavior at all.
Another to be aware of is something called intermittent gratification. That’s a very effective control technique. It tosses just enough “crumbs” to the pigeons to keep them coming back for more - like giving you something that you really like. That keeps you close enough so that you can keep being used in the narcissistic game.
By way of encouragement, those children or young people who have tended to see the bad behavior in their family as abnormal rather than following in those footsteps have a much better chance at a whole and fulfilling life. It’s NOT realizing that their behavior is crazy making that sets people up for much more of the same.
So hang in there, know that it isn’t you, you didn’t cause this, and you can’t fix them. With time and practice, you can learn the skills that give you the love and more carefree existence that you did not get.
For you to see it this early is a wonderful sign that your future is going to be much better than what you’re experiencing now. 💕💕💕Many blessings to you.
Viana I am 19 and just realized this too. My father blames his problems ect on me and I have always felt like a therapist to him with no real purpose. Now I am 18 I can decide not to be home and it’s amazing. Push through you’ve got this and just know when you’re an adult you get an amazing sense of relief ❤️
I try to anticipate other people needs, now that I think about it.
i do that every day with my wife. "must take the dog out and feed the dog and brew coffee before she gets out of bed so she can have a good start of her morning" and now it's like, if i don't do it i feel guilty. i apply that mechanism to a lot of things in life and it is exhausting indeed. i don't wanna feel guilty for not brewing goddamn coffee.
Alvaro Sarria please don’t use the Lord’s name in vain
Same. Service based jobs will train you to behave this way, too.
If you come from a place of strength or compassion...there is nothing wrong with being kind....know where you stand...feel your emotions....I will recommend Esther Hicks to learn about navigating one's emotions....And I bless & thank the over accomodators of the world💕Compassion is priceless!
As I was watching this I had my dog next to me chewing on a biscuit. She seemed to be having trouble, so I started breaking up the biscuit into little pieces for her. I even auto accomodate my dogs lol.
Awe but that’s ok . Our dogs love us so much
Be glad you havent got a cat,you, like me would end up a super slave, but totally love it..lol
I feel like that’s always worth the energy 😊
MYGirlsGJ B oh no you’re just a good pet parent
It's really sweet what you did, and you clearly had good intentions, but I'd like to point out that, especially if your dog is teething as a puppy, it's good for them to keep chewing by themselves and without help, because it helps their teeth and jaws get stronger. I think that's why they make biscuits so hard. It's just like when a human baby teethes on baby cookies or other foods, they will have trouble at first, but eventually it gets easier because chewing on something for so long helps to make their teeth come out faster.
So don't feel like you have to break them up for him next time (unless the vet says otherwise I suppose).
i’m confident that i auto-accommodate. yikes. no wonder i’m exhausted.
Sheri Lynn Wooldridge
Preach
This stems from the way women are treated in certain cultures, and from abuse, and also from being a good person. It’s almost like “don’t let my existence bother you.” I’m trying to stop this process in my mind!!! It’s so stressful and essentially goes down to how the people around you are either kind and respectful or they want you to not exist. I need to get around people that respect my existence and learn to respect my existence as well!
It’s EVERY culture, baby.
MsSimpleMovies yeah, I was hoping not. But yeah pretty much!
Leslie what does it mean?
Leslie yeah, I googled it and I am! Now I’m conscious as to when I do it and I’m trying to recover. But it’s hard, like last night I was walking on a crowded side walk and I kept finding myself moving out of the way for everyone. No one budged to move for me. But I don’t see why I am always the one who has to move. But also I don’t want to cause a fight. And if they don’t move what do I do? Bump into them? Stop and wait for them to move? See the sounds like asshole things, but I don’t want to do the echoist thing either. Any advise?
This is not about gender though. Anyone can experience this.
I stopped doing that when aI wore myself to a frazzle and finally figured out I couldn't save the world. It took me a while like 62 years. Thanks
63 years, lol! We are always works in progress😊
Congratulations, Helena Deering! 62 is better than never. There had been people in my life that I refuse to speak to.
I use my telephone from the 80s and an answering machine to screen my calls. I hear who's calling before I pick up. I also unplug when I meditate.
All the best to you, dear one.
Wowza, I didn’t realise there’s a name for it... it’s my everyday existence. Yet when someone does something for me I get proper anxiety (eg.: broke my foot so ppl offer me their seats on the subway and it actually stresses me out and makes me feel guilty)
Ha I'm like that too... Never want to be a burden. Jesus I'm 40 and have to make myself enjoy things I actually deserve
penelope pittstop I know!!! It’s crazy how much you notice it even more when you start to pay attention. And yes, definitely, enjoy it, because no one else will for us 😁 good lick to both of us haha
I feel you. I had the same, I realized I closed off my receiveing of kindness as a protection. It is something which comes from my childhood and sabotaged me from getting kindness to my heart, from others, from myself, as well! I realized, I appreciated my protection, slowly loosen them up... now I had a broken foot and I was so grateful for kindness I was able to give and listen to others as well. It is rewarding. And you deserve kindness and attention as well.
It’s super hard when you were raised this way, to listen to your father and never really get a voice, and to always move out of the way for more important people or things. It’s a hard long process to gain confidence and make yourself recognize that you’re as important as everyone else.
I'm 49 and do this all the time..I need my life back
Then it's time to TAKE IT back, mama! I am cheering you on ;)
You are not alone. I'm 42 and only starting to harness these skills.
I do this, too. 😣 it's very tiring but I feel it's due to my f'd up childhood.
Same here, 47 and doing this still. As if it's a badge of honor and yet all it's done was being narcissistic men into my life.
Justine, start today, Dear One or you will wake up in your 60s & still be wishing you had your life back! U have so much help now - I mean WE have so much internet info to help us so make each day a chance to look out for No. 1 & be the loving soul you were born to be, to yourself first, then you can be loving to others.
No pearls before swine I say!
I have fibromyalgia and have heard it described as the fight or flight stress response has been tripped up and cant be turned off. You basically always feel like you are ready to fight a bear. I have been hypervigilant and felt like I was responsible for the world since I was a child. I felt shame about things that were never my problems or sins to solve. I have to consciously think through what is my responsibility and what is not.
Fibromyalgia usually is a consequence of a severe trauma / abuse in the childhood
Thanks for letting me Know I am not the only one !
Me too! Makes total sense.
M Ra actually NO! Its a consequence of physiological stress/ physical hurt/ illness this CAN be what you say but the first population they researched it on was a hospital full of mental patients where almost everyone who had ptsd etc had a higher incidence of fibro but that would also mean that they were likly to have experianced all the conditions above.
@@MT-sw8rf I wasnt abused in my childhood.
Sounds exactly like what people pleasing is to me
The hairdresser example isn’t silly. It’s classic! That could have been me. I would have done the same, exact thing!! When people see this tendency in you, those who are so inclined, will pounce all over it. People who “take their place,” behave much differently. They would just walk in, sit down and not give it a second thought (even with a line around the block!). Modesty is a good quality, but being on auto-pilot is too much of a “good thing.” Thank you for this insightful video.
Thank you for saying that, and I'm glad to hear you can relate.
Great example. This is me all day.
Me too! Wow! 😮
I’m glad to know that it’s optional & I’m correct not to allow others to place me on auto- defer...over accommodating
The example is perfect indeed! Such a great illustration!
Thinking on other peoples' behalf can be amazingly difficult habit to break. But how liberating when one gets that right!
Empaths do this a lot. It is learned for survival reasons. It is not necessary in most situations in adulthood. Thank you for this video.
Prefectionism, and abuse in childhood... my mother would scolded my friends if they played with my dolls I lined up. No one ever came back to play because of my mom.
😥
I guess your mom was selfish like so many that were in my family. I don't claim them as family! So many people want to be first at the expense of someone else. That's been my experience people stealing my place and stabbing me in the back pretending to be my friend
I see now how I get angry when I feel it's not reciprocated, thank you!
Same! Recovering from being in 2 narcissistic relationships last year and wondered why I felt like they never returned the favors/courtesies I constantly showered them with... never again!
Omg...
I knew I couldn't be the only one 🙌 I mean the " chatter" situation is bad , I can literally hear everything everywhere. I even feel like I can read thoughts/ emotions even when they're opposite of what's being presented . I stay home mostly cause it's just too , too much. I'm already super emotional on my own, I don't need anymore triggers. My bf thinks I'm crazy.
I get the chatter, and reading thoughts and emotions so bad that when I'm in small groups and parties, I get a headache right behind my eyes that won't go away even after I've already left. So I don't usually go to any get togethers because I'm gonna get sick anyways.
I completely understand, I experience similar. I thought I was crazy too until I learned that 15-20% of the population is Highly Sensitive and our brains are functionally different than the majority. Once I was able to accept this and learn more about my sensitivity, life has been less of a struggle, although still I get overwhelmed VERY easily. I highly recommend the book, "The Highly Sensitive Person" by Elaine Aron, who is also an HSP. The best thing we can do is understand and accept ourselves and then find ways to protect ourselves from overwhelm while still living in the world, a challenge for sure, but a worthwhile one. :)
I'm absolutely with you! The only peace I get is when I'm out running. I can't unhear and unfeel it all. I've recently started a new job, and the anxiety is overwhelming. I'm physically terrified of being exposed as an incompetent impostor, even though I'm fine. My nervous system is tuned for danger in every situation. And I'm exhausted. I can't shut it off. Ugh.
SHAYLA FITZGERALD Do you have a brain injury? I suffered a TBI and have these issues since my wreck. My ability to function in a restaurant or at a party is severely impaired. So sad.
Your not alone sis x
I auto accomodate all the time and Im ashamed of it. I do it because I grew up getting blamed for everything that went wrong so I start trying to fix things that have nothing to do with me so that way not only will there be no blame on me, but also I may also be a 'hero'. Instead I end up feeling like a doormat helping people with things that I really don't want to, just because I feel obligated to for no reason.
Shocking but true! I have always tried to "predict" people's needs, moods and reactions. I could not figure out why....but the way you describe the possible roots of this behaviour gave me great insight! OMG!
A lady called me and was friendly and asked me why I had not been to an Alanon meeting, I thanked her for checking on me and told her I had to work those weeks. Few weeks later she calls and wants a ride to the meeting. I don't even know where she lives exactly, but know it is in a bad area! This is definitely not my side of the street. I did not even reply to her voice mail. Today I plan on letting her know I CAN'T, my life is too hectic. I notice she has been riding with others and I use to feel like I should do my part and a lot of time in the meetings they want you to take on duties I don't want to do, it is hard and I feel guilty but learning to say No. I have to learn to take care of my needs for a change. I always thought it was me in my dysfunction family and I had to do and do and do and they would be different, now I know it is ok being me and I am not a bad person.
Good for you, Sunshine! And remember, your life doesn't have to be hectic for you to not want to take on responsibility for someone you barely know. Literally, your preference to NOT WANT TO for your own reasons is completely valid all on its own xo
yes life is not really hectic, just didn't know what to say. Hopeing you will give me some communication skills, I just go blank. At least I said No. I guess I could of said No I can't.
@@sunshine-sm6nf I've been working on that lately too! On purpose not allowing myself to say "I cant." As if I'm not in control of my own life or choices. I have been making myself reply, "No." Either "I'm choosing to do other things", or just "No." But NOT allow myself to say it's because I can't. Saying "I can't" is so disempowering, and honestly probably not true (since I could technically quit my job or not take care of the person or thing, or not do whatever it is I want and am choosing to do instead. Truth is 99.9% of the time, I can. But I'm choosing to do something else; and that is okay. If that other person is a good person to have in my life, they will not be mad or upset with my choices, they will give me that freedom and respect. If anyone has another line they use instead of "I cant." Please comment it! I'm always looking for ways to word it, without allowing myself to say "I can't." And it can feel so awkward to me at times, so any extra help would be greatly appreciated! :)
@@heatherp3744Great points, I feel the same... One I love and have used for some time now because it is fairly versatile is "I have other plans (that day/at that time)" another is "I won't make it to..." (instead of "I can't make it")and then always adding whenever -- it feels applicable -- "but thank you (for the invitation/for thinking of me etc...) to let them know it's (probably) not personal... I just wouldn't do/join/go to that specific whatever it is no matter who asked, because these are preferences and boundaries that keep me happy period. ✨🦋🌻✌✨
@@jartisteobscure3992 Thank you, Jay! Those tips are so good!! And so simple, I can hardly believe I didn't think to use them before. I'm definitely going to be using those in the future, you made my night! :)
I'm a healthcare worker in 3 hospitals who treats critically ill patients. I constantly auto-accommodate at work, which is appropriate. But it has spilled over into my personal life, which at times is rather damaging. It's one thing to be nice to others, it's another to bend over backwards to be nice to strangers. I lived in NYC for 14 years and people will simply take advantage of you in an environment like NYC if you auto accommodate. Fortunately, I live in a different city now where people are more considerate overall. Still, I spend a lot of time by myself because auto accommodating at work for 8 hours a day is simply exhausting.
Yes absolutely. Finding ways to keep your energy protected while you're at work will help.
Very helpful video! I'm in my 60s, and I'm aware that I'm hypervigilant. But I wasn't aware that it was affecting me almost everywhere. I used to carry extra tools around that I could whip out, whether someone needed a knife, pliers, or needle and thread. In restaurants, parks, shopping, and events, my ears perk if someone is having trouble calming a crying child. I'm tuned in to the looks of disgruntlement of those around me and especially of the parent. If it goes on too long and the parent seems frustrated, *I* jump up and bring over a toy I keep with me and crank up a baby app to distract the recalcitrant infant. (Now that I've got a grandchild, at least I have an excuse!)
Okay, crying kids can get on anyone's nerves after a while, and I do like doing a good deed and helping out. My distraction often helps and parents seem grateful.
But really, why do I do this? I figured it out watching your video. I was the oldest. My younger siblings were my responsibility from the time I was 9 years old and they were infants. What's critical is that Mom was a borderline--way over the top with all kinds of physical and mental abuse and many suicide attempts on her part that I had to talk her out of. I was her therapist and heard things no child should have to deal with. More importantly, you didn't know when the storm would hit, so I did everything to keep my younger siblings entertained, occupied--and quiet. I spent hours with my ear at a furnace grate listening in, trying to figure out what and when to do something as parental battles included blood-curdling screams, non-stop shouting, and sometimes real blood. It was horrific over most of my childhood.
So now I'm wired to constantly scan. Any shift in background noise makes my heart beat a little faster. Hypervigilance takes a huge toll. The slightest noise awakens me even now. So I don't get the good sleep that is essential to good mental and physical health. I become near panic if I hear a child or pet cry down the street. Every pain in my own body is a possible symptom of something terminal or debilitating. Etc., etc., etc.
At this age, I'm not sure if I can rewire my brain. But I'm going to try. I deserve a little peace, don't you think? Thank you for your clear description of this pervasive and harmful state of mind.
Q
I CAN RELATE TO YOUR EXPERIENCE .... YIKES ! ONLY UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT FOR ME , AFTER THIS VIDEO AND READING THE COMMENTS. I'M ALMOST 61 .
Wow, sounds exactly like my life too! God Bless!
🙏🏾💖
My life also 🕊🙏🏾 we are now in recovery; thanks to the great people of RUclips and there generosity 💞
Yes . Synchronicity! I find I am exhausted! I find myself always trying to "smooth things over" for everyone in every situation.
It bothers me when people make agreements that involve me doing something and I wasn't included in the deal. I didn't agree to mess up my life to help them.
As a huge empath, I find that having my own interest to focus on stops me from over auto-accommodating. When I'm bored I take on everyone else's problems. I think it's good to be more empathetic but not sympathetic. The world could use more empaths.
I recently discovered this on my birthday the 29th when friends werent saying happy birthday to me ..I feel like I give too much its really upsetting that we can give so much to others but people dont have the same heart .I will try this its very helpful information.
This is so, so good. I needed to go no contact with my Family of Origin after having my daughter because I had no energy to meet my mother’s needs. I had to focus on my daughter’s. In my family of origin, this is betrayal. I’m sorry it has to be this way by my sanity depends on it.
I think you are awesome. And your daughter is lucky. xo
It is sad, but no contact is sometimes the best if not only option.
Sarah Ellis
Proud of you, that took true grit , even though it is the best decision for both you and your child it doesn’t mean it’s easy - necessary, not easy but it gets easier and life gets lighter
Sarah, you are very smart and strong to stay away. I failed to stay away from my toxic family, because I had no clue about codependency and narcissism. There was no help on RUclips at the time. Thank God for people like Terry Cole and others who are lifting us up and shining light on this. The narcs in my family trained my daughter to be in Narc right under my nose and I didn’t even know it. I kept trying to make her happy, enabling her poor behavior and rewarding her for abusing me. I’m ashamed and so sad about it. We need to not be codependent enablers; we really need to be healthy for our children, or they’re doomed. God bless you, you are doing the right thing. And don’t ever let them get into her head! My advice is, if she ever has to meet them, make sure it’s supervised visits only (if any at all). They work fast.
I love the phrase ‘not my side of the street’ I get that. It can be annoying for others to be overly helpful.
I found that if I smoked pot. It would help. Because I would go more into myself. But that is not the answer. But helped me.
Karen Weger I completely agree. It slows the tornado that is my mind and allows me to consciously analyze things that normally were subconscious. But pot only helps when used sparingly. Maybe once or twice a week at most.
Same here
I inherited it from my Mom! Her life was tough, and she taught me to keep alert . In my childhood I had always had that feeling that I'm in somebody's way. Still scan around, but now I'm trying to play with it, like I'm Miss Marple ))
Yes, good description. That you're always in the way or asking for too much.
You timing is immaculate.I am dealing with this issue presently.Thank you for your time and energy.
SAME!
I am amazingly happy because I have been doing this very unconsciously all my life, and this is the first time someone has brought it to my attention. I’ve got work to do. When I heard about using the rubber band to create an aversion to the auto-accommodating I noticed that a part of me got upset and fearful at the very thought of not doing it, like I’ll be in danger if I stop. I’m looking forward to keeping that energy.
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN .... I'M AFRAID IF I STOP SCANNING / ASSESSING EVERY SINGLE THING THAT'S HAPPENING AROUND ME ... I'LL GET INTO SOME KIND OF DANGER / TROUBLE.....I'M NOT CONVINCED I SHOULD LET MY GUARD DOWN ....I FEEL I NEED TO DO IT TO SURVIVE . I MIGHT NOT NOTICE A DANGER AHEAD OR IN THE VICINITY IF I'M NOT VIGILANT .... NO ???
I used to think I was self aware. Watching amazing videos like this reminds me of how much I have to learn & explore.
This has been my whole life ; recently decided to try and make things better , unfortunately the people around me are so dependent on me to be the “fixer”. It’s been exhausting 😐
Penny Lane I can relate! Good luck!!
Me too .my life .🙄
Great Terri! Yes, I always thought being "proactive" is a good thing, but I have to distinguish when is it nessecary and when it's just wrong. "To stay on your side of the street" is a good expression! Thanks Terri 🍀🌸🐝
This is what I do but I always have a hard time describing it. Thank you for this.
You are welcome!
"I'm not doing that (looking back at childhood) with blame in my heart. I'm doing it because that's where the answers are." Brilliant and so true.
I'm an empath and I do so much of this without even realizing it. So much of my life has just been explained.
Hard being an Empath. Love you ❤️❤️❤️❤️.
I hope you live long so that more people can get this type of healing from your spirit and this channel.
Heeeya
Thank u Teri 😊
I appreciate this oh so much right now. Ttlly great timing 🙏❤️
Bless you 😘
I have no idea how I found you but thank goodness I did! Resonated so so much at a complicated time of my life. Off to find a rubber band. Have a peaceful weekend and thanks.
Lynette Cockburn I just now landed on this knowledgeable woman too!
Yay!
This is so true. So helpful- people pleasing and self sacrificing comes so automatically. People say just don’t do, it’s not that easy. I am often punished for being too nice. Is it okay to feel self pity? I think I do.
Thank you for this video! This answers why I'm so exhausted all the time. Hyper-vigilantly monitoring everyone and everything within range of my perception, seeking to head off difficulties and trouble before they start, takes so much energy. It once served a hard childhood, but now it is too much. I am trying to heal, but there is so much that is automatic. I am trying to stop physically crouching so as not to take up too much space. It still happens if I need to get down the hallway at work, and I say excuse me quietly, so as to be as little an inconvenience as possible. Then I think, how many others do that?
I grew up in a chaotic, unstable, emotionally abusive home with an authoritarian father. Until I became a Christian, I felt like an exposed nerve, aware of everything all the time. Now that I’m more healthy emotionally, I’ve come to appreciate that part of my personality. But it can be exhausting at times, because my mind is constantly in motion. Always in the present and/or future.
Great. Brought to the point. Autoscanning AND (without being asked!) anticipating possible needs, dangers, problems AND presenting, even pushing solutions, contributions etc.
Sincerely from Germany.
This resonates so strongly with me but I believe it's more personality based than a result of childhood experiences. If you examine siblings who grew up under the same circumstances but react totally differently it's hard to credit these things to our childhood.
I also think auto-accomodaters try to lead by example. We do considerate things in hopes that others might do them too. It's not a bad thing, but you are completely right about how exhausting it is.
I believe this hyper-awareness is ruining my health and I have been trying various techniques to combat it.
Thanks for the video. It's important to be reminded that tranquility and mindfulness require daily work.
Tee Thompson some people are scapegoats in their family, so they can become people pleasers while the siblings who joined in scapegoating don't suffer from this.
@@side-eyewarrior823 I can appreciate that.
I had to see this today... synchronicity. Thank you!!
I'm an empath, highly sensitive AND a recovering codependent. Sometimes I tend to stop what I'm doing to accommodate other people, like when my husband comes home from work. I work from home. He doesn't expect me to stop working just because he's home, but I tend to jump up, go do something to help him or something or other. Today however, I went to hug him, then went back to what I was doing and finished before going back upstairs. And that was fine. I tend to feel guilty when choosing to not accommodate others. It's the brainwash programming from when I was abused. It's crazy how I'll catch myself sometimes and know that it's ok for me to do what I need, but I STILL feel guilty about it.
Thank you for bringing awareness to this "reflex" way of living. I've been a healer and intuitive therapist which makes it difficult to separate work from leisure with the auto-accommodating mind set. Now that my awareness is piqued, I'm looking forward to the benefits of using that energy in a better way.
Cheers.
Right on!!!
I do this All. The. Time! WoW. I actually thought everyone was doing this too. This was SO helpful
I can’t link anything to my upbringing other than respecting my elders. My parents weren’t abusive, they didn’t drink or smoke or take drugs etc. They were kind and respectful and caring BUT I grew up with undiagnosed adhd and was often in trouble for not being the same as everyone else; I was a difficult child 🥺
I completely understand where you are coming from and it makes so much sense but even just thinking about it feels so unnatural and almost mean? Like it doesn't feel like there is a cost for doing such small things for people e.g. exchanging a seat and it feels almost selfish to not. I feel so guilty and I haven't even started implementing it yet. But I do want more head space for myself and I am sometimes aware of that underlying anxiety. Feel like its a dilemma. I just want to spread kindness and I guess I see that in the form of accommodating to others needs. But they're strangers and its no guarantee they would return the favour.
I'm witnessing you with compassion. Yes when we spend so much energy trying to accommodate others, we're not asking how to accommodate ourselves and our own needs. And going down the rabbit hold of shame and guilt is another way to pull away from yourself. I encourage you to find the things that fill your cup so you are full and you can give to others from a place where you are completely taken care of. When you are empty and giving to others from a place of being empty (or guilty), what is the quality of what we are giving? I'm holding space for you, and grateful for you asking this question.
Wow, I do this a lot. Learned to do this as a child - for survival! Served me well in my profession as a teacher (although it made my job more draining), but interferes in my personal relationships. Thanks! New subscriber.
Welcome!!!
Great subject Terri ⭐️
Thankyou!
You have articulated my pattern so well.
I have been doing this for years without realising thinking I was just being thoughtful. I became very aware of it a few months ago at a family lunch when I couldn’t sit and simply enjoy my meal. I was worried about everyone and everything. When I realised what I was doing I had to focus my attention on just eating my meal. It felt so good to lower the antennae and just relax !
Maria Walcott It’s gotten so bad for me, I can rarely have my children and grandchildren visit! I’ve had to cut out meals when they come.
I didn’t know why my anxiety levels were so high!
Thank you for describing this example! It’s going to help me be able to start to even think about reversing this trend.
❤️🙏🏻
Over-accommodation is so engrained in me that I often find myself saying yes to something without even thinking through whether I really wanted to do so and/or failing to speak up in the moment that I don’t want something. I’ll give a silly example, but it’s one of many. I was on a first date with a man who chose the dessert for us, chocolate lava cake, without even asking if it was what I liked or wanted. He decided we would share dessert, and mind you I had offered to split the bill so it wasn’t a question of money, and I really didn’t want to share since I like my desserts! I really wanted the crème brûlée, but out of fear I would seem difficult or too particular, I said nothing and just accepted his choice. This is a mundane example where no danger was involved based on my just going along with what my date wanted. However, I have sometimes been in more serious situations, especially when I was younger, when, for example, I was on a first date having dinner in a hotel, and I went up to my date’s hotel room after dinner just because he asked me to, when I really knew I ought to have said I was not comfortable doing that with someone I barely knew. I sometimes feel like I freeze in the moment, fear takes over, and I feel almost powerless to say no. I know the root of my being overly accommodating is fear of rejection or abandonment, but there has to be a way I can recognize when I am on auto-pilot, so to speak, to not allow myself to become paralyzed with fear, and to speak up in the moment. I guess it’s like Terri says, to start stopping myself and doing mini-meditations throughout the day to check in and recognize what I am thinking, so that maybe it will start to become automatic to recognize when I am being accommodating rather than being true to myself.
Not setting clear boundaries for texts, philonecalls coming in gave me "phone phobia"! The notification bell was enough to increase my anxiety . I have chronic pain and need solitude and no interruptions from 8pm -11 am.
It's so validating to see you, as someone who I see as impressive, that you auto accommodated in your mid20s all the time. Cus I am currently in my mid 20s and it feels like this will never end. It makes me feel hopeful that you are where you are now
No one is perfect, including me! We are all learning and doing the best we can. And we all have room to grow and be better. It's about committing to taking the small steps on a regular basis.
@@terri_cole that really helps, thanks 😊
Perfect timing. I was just having a conversation with someone about this very topic yesterday! ✨❤️✨
YES! I love synchronistic happenings!
I feel identified. I do things like that. I even get myself uncomfortable for others to feel comfy. Now im catching myself about to behave like that and i stop it.
I can totally relate, the hair salon example sums it up well. I've been like this my whole life and it's time for me to put myself first. One issue I've had with these scenarios is I've sometimes found people get rude, angry and aggressive if I don't auto accommodate, and accuse me of being selfish. It always feel traumatic and horrifying and makes me self isolate for a while to recover. One example was a woman got on the bus and she stood near me, I was sitting. She had a belly but I couldn't work out if she was pregnant or overweight so to avoid embarrassment I didn't offer her my seat, nor did any of the other people sitting. I did try to make eye contact with her but she didn't respond so I left it. Then this random woman on the bus then started screaming and swearing at me for not giving this woman my seat. She specifically targeted me over any of the other people who had seats. The lady with the belly remained silent the whole time, ie she never asked for a seat. It was an absolutely horrendous experience with the crazy aggressive woman screaming at me as I left the bus. It makes me feel nervous to actually take up space in the world due to my childhood and incidents like this happening as an adult.
I think for me it is a bit of projection. Like I sometimes don't feel comfortable telling people my needs, therefore I always have to clarify that they can tell me their needs, as if they don't already know that. It makes me feel like people are not being honest about their needs, when in reality I am the one that does that lol
Good insight, Matthew! Thanks for sharing.
Saw an executive assistant job post recently and one of the qualities they wanted was hyper-vigilance. Smh. You couldn’t pay me enough.
Yes! It's good to know your limits!!
Clerical jobs are frequently the most abused. Good on you!
I actually bypassed my need to do this a few weeks ago. On my own I realized I do this all the time. Poking my nose in other peoples business and putting myself out to accommodate a problem that I am anticipating or making up. I used to think my husband was selfish because he didn’t do this! Now I realize that others can ask me to accommodate and I can agree or not to accommodate. My highly sensitive tendency is what makes me a highly attentive mother. I can anticipate my kids needs really well. It burns me out though.
Yes!! That's great that you recognized it, even after the fact. That's how growth and change happens. And it's great that you can find your super power. And make sure you take care of you too. :)
Empathic micro-managing pro right here... yup! Ugh! Changing that. Freeing up my energy. I feel better already! 👊🏻🙋♀️🎶 My parents were pre-teens in WWII & I am pretty sure they learned it there & passed it on to us because our home was very calm w lots of Love. 🌹❤️ Sol’n: 4X4 breathing. Be Present & ask Me What Am I Thinking About! Game-Changer! ThankYOU. It works. Self-Awareness! Yay.
❤️
So very true!! I do this all the time it drives me nuts
I flip back fort between auto accommodating and aggressive (and selfish)
Any advice for this kind of unconscious splitting?
K JN usually some kind of trigger like being disappointed or frustrated. Or feeling like ppl are trying to take advantage. I used to have a huge chip on my shoulder like the world isn’t fair and all that 🙈
Hi, if I may try about the aggressive part, but it's probably applicable to the accomodating as well, if you are able to stop and think before you react, try and go through the best response you can have, that is: wise and kind, it helps to maybe detach yourself from the fuming emotions by imagining how you would advise another person (best to imagine one you care about) to react in that situation, so apply calm logic to a degree, but also realise what is the best way the world would go round, and that is by kidness. So try and come up with a reaction that considers your well-being while being just, logical, but kind towards others. It might be difficult if you are a type of person who reacts intuitively and rapidly but of course practice is possible. I hope you can understand what I mean. I don't have time right now but I could maybe write a real life scenario if you are interested. Also I am not an expert, only sharing what I have intuitively came up with. Take care
ju than you I’ll try practicing :) I tend to be impulsive but I’ve gotten better at not acting on impulse 😘
This is advice I have to tell myself-idk of it will help your situation.
Take some time for yourself. Don't blame anyone, not even yourself for how bad this has gotten. Just recognize the real need for you to relax and say yes or no- you have that power and it will be okay. Our actions shape the way we treat each other. If you act like a slave to others you will get treated like a slave. If you act like an angry, biting animal, people will treat you as such. You have been in survival mode for too long. So rest up and regain the control in your life that you so desperately seek.
Sunny Kim thank you 😊😊😊
Yesterday I lost my temper really badly, took the bait and yelled and made a scene 🤦🏻♀️
At least I walked away in time before I said or did something I would really regret 😓
I am like this. I grew up with many brothers so my personality is a weird mix of auto-accommodating and standing up for my own needs. I have learned how to mesh these two diametrically opposing aspects of myself over the past few years, but I have to be careful not to put myself into situations where I am likely to auto-accommodate. I'm looking for full-time work at the moment and I keep seeing administrative jobs pop up in my emails and I just have the greatest aversion to these jobs despite the fact that I have over 7 years of administrative experience and am therefore highly qualified for these positions. My aversion, however, stems from the fact that administrative jobs are the kinds of jobs that leave me most open to being taken advantage of without a raise. No bueno. Can't subject myself to that ever again.
🤯 this is me. Got into a horrible MVA this year. Had a TBI and got epilepsy. Had to live with my parents again at 34 for 6 months bc I couldn't drive and it was a mess. Realizing so much right now. Helpful but so overwhelmed with everything. Thank you for the awareness!
Keeping my side of the street clean, WOW this so resonates with me and my Al-anon recovery work I do every day.
This makes me understand why I enjoyed an old photograph of Jimi Hendrix just walking alone looking at the ground maybe 6 feet in front of him. He may have been on his way to perform but in this moment he was not accommodating to his surroundings other than just walking. Many people demanded so much from him and I heard he was much too accommodating. As an empath I automatically enjoyed the serenity depicted.
Of course I've been practicing trying not to be so accommodating many years but today I just wanted to say a special thanks. I thought about you when I was sitting in the parking lot and heard someone pestering the person in the Drive-Thru and I started humming some brown noise to not be judging them any longer. Thank you for giving me the heart emoji for the comment and your advice as a kindred spirit.
It can be difficult when you have the karpman drama triangle type of situation and getting out of the rescuer role especially if the person you are trying to rescue enables and doesn't do anything to change. But you have to learn to let people sink or swim. You can't help some people. They don't want to be saved but want you to suffer and drown with them.
Like putting a light on my blindspot.
New sub. This is me, when I don’t do this I feel guilty though
I’m guilty of auto accommodating all the time but moreso in these past few months, I’ve been trying to change that. It’s so difficult and it makes me feel odd and I think when people are unhappy with me and my decisions it makes me feel even more odd and wrong but most of the time I stand my ground and am strict on my decisions. Pretty sure this is also a learned behavior. My strict asian parents raised me to always be accommodating to them. Unlearning is difficult
I do this. Let people ask for their own needs to be met and concentrate on your own needs ❤ no matter how loud that inner critic voice is!
Yes!! ❤️
You spoke to my very soul in this video. Thank you!
Wow, this popped up on my feed at the most perfect time! Thank you for this. Now a new subscriber.
I recently discovered that I try to understand and read people’s personalities so I can connect in a meaningful way. But ofc is a lot of assumptions, observations plus the sensitivity when feeling their energy too. Is impossible and exhausting, I get super sad if I feel that the connection “didn’t work”. I would like to just not care that much about everyone’s opinion and enjoy conversations in a natural way
This is what I have tried to explain to close friends! I have been told often that I am so nice and I would explain that I really wasn’t. I mean who doesn’t want to be kind but I always knew it didn’t come from a true authentic place. Now I have a deeper understanding of it.
I just clicked on this video by a mistake. Wow thanks universe and thank you, you put it wonderfully. This is spot on. I was aware that I have been "living in other people's heads" and all my life was hyper aware of their emotions and feelings and wanting them to be okay.....( which steams back to childhood where my survival mechanism was to fit in to new places as we moved around alot) So I have been trying to put myself first say no and be okay and mange conflict if it arises. Basically now what I'm trying to do is take up more space for me and make more noise - stand up and speak up !! 😁 thanks for the brillant content 💚
Subscribded! Glad to know there are others like me, and grateful to know there are people like you who have figured it out. Thank you!
Thank you 🙏🏼💚✨
Thank you so much!!!
💜
I used to be so sensitive that now my higher emotions have shut down and I'm literally an asshole who doesn't talk to anyone lmao I literally feel like I have no emotional empathy left
And you might be an introvert who doesn't need to be around people as much anyway (I am)
I'm witnessing you with compassion, and holding space for you.
Wow. You nailed it, super hyper awareness. It's a place I've been regulating at for as long as I can remember. I've been working out that I'm "too nice" bc of it and how it connects with co-dependency. Thanks for this, alot of good info here🌼
Thank you. That really resonated with me.
Thank you...awesome.💚💐🤗
Many Thanks for this,resonate with this as being people pleazer all my life for the sake of peace.Yes it started at very early stage of our lives.Humilaton makes us over sensitive from our childhood .
All appreciation for ur efforts!!
Pure gold, thank you.
I feel like I was looking for this term "auto-accomodating" subconsciously for long tbh. I do it everywhere I go, from gym to college and even during traveling. But it was costing me at the end of the day.
I feel you and see you ❤️
Just stumbled upon your video for tbe first time. Glad I found you, will definitely be watching more!
Perfect timing
So glad to hear that.
Thank you 🙏❤️