It's Time to Talk about Psychological and Verbal Abuse | Lizzy Glazer | TEDxPhillipsAcademyAndover
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- Опубликовано: 3 апр 2018
- Psychological and verbal abuse are the most common elements of domestic violence, yet they are the least talked about. A survivor of domestic violence, Lizzy Glazer, discusses her experiences. In her TEDx talk, she identifies five common signs of abuse, acknowledges the guilt and shame victims feel, and raises awareness of the invisible scars of psychological and verbal abuse.
Lizzy is a student at Phillips Academy in Andover, MA, USA. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
Abuse is not always screaming, yelling, etc., but calm, covert put downs and devaluing remarks using a kind, helpful, spiritual mask, when the true intent is to control your actions and thoughts to their way of living/being.
Could be, but perception also plays a huge role... what you describe Ive been accused of everyday in my relationship... While I was the one being mentally abused. It was always my fault, even my loving words were perceived as a threat to my partner. I couldn't even lift her up when I hugged her, cause that would set her off, touching her in public also. Everything I did was wrong. Whenever I said something it was a attack on her character. She accused me of cheating everytime I didnt pick up my phone. I have never been accused of such things with none of my partners. Yet she has a history of accusing people of stuff...
I think besides what people think, people shouldn't lose sight of what the collective thinks about them... because it ended in a battle of her accusing me of abuse, while she was the one abusing me... it's crazy that your abuser can tell you this.... I offered to go to therapy with her on my own expenses and she refused... Eventually I couldnt take it anymore and I scolded her for all she did and left her and in her twisted mind she still believes im the abuser and shes telling all her friends and family now and because i'm a male, they will believe her. And it's one more reason she was unable to see her own flaws. Because women are always treated like they are right and this takes away the accountability for their own actions
She would constantly compare me to other guys, tell me a colleague from work is so kind hearted he bought her a croissant during break, then compare me to guy who has a crush on her. She was totally in the clouds when she talked about these other guys, but when I do something it means nothing to her and my efforts are taken for granted. One croissant doesn't compare to 1.5 years of real commitment and she couldn't see the harm in sharing that story with such passion about some other guy in front of me. I think secretly she enjoined causing me harm.
You're so right. Well said.
Thank you
I experience that kind of abuse from my family members. Unfortunately, none of them feel their behavior is harmful; they think they are doing the right thing.
Exactly this. I had an ex who every time I had a new idea for an art project or a way to make money, he would instantly criticize it. He would say that's not a good idea and here's why... Or here's what I think you should do otherwise... It took a long time for me to realize that he was trying to control me. Things finally came to a head when he told me I was not allowed to have caffeine at all to the point that he made me throw away my coffee and Coca Cola. That was just taking it too far. That crossed over into micromanagement. One time I told him I was staying the night at a friend's house and I was and I still woke up to 13 missed calls where he left two voicemails every time that got progressively angrier and angrier. He said that it made him angry when I would disappear without letting him know where I was going even though I had done that. Every time I left the house even for a few hours he expected me to call him at least twice and if I didn't he would start blowing up my phone. Again it took me a long time to realize that he was abusing and controlling me. One time when I threatened to leave him he said fine I'll just turn off your phone then. I said go ahead because I don't care anymore. I ended up turning on a new one the next morning. I was done with that. No one has the right to tell you how to live your life.
Psychological abuse is more damaging and longer lasting than physical injury.
Thanks. I feel like I'm going crazy
My partner use to say the opposite...
toneman335 agreed
Both are horrible and nobody deserves either
toneman335 absolutely
Snarky comments about your appearance that are "excused" as jokes.. Then you're told you're too sensitive.
Exactly
Yep. That's how they excuse their behavior.
we have freedom of speech. More like freedom to be assholes
@@mysteryguy793 Freedom of speech is not freedom to abuse.
Been there
I hear parents say "What's wrong with you?" all the time when their child makes a mistake or has a hard time learning what they are trying to teach him/her. What a horrible thing to say to a young, striving mind.
They don't teach that those mistakes are opted for learning experience. They're gonna be scared and hesitant about making mistakes, which is one of the most human things human can do. Experience with those parents or any person that you are in contact with, is dehumanizing.
They are the problem not you.
Oh avoid lab work in the us then, some idiots look for anything they say is wrong and on they go carrying on gossip some phds think their degree affords them this credibility ….
Exactly
I thought every parent said that-
When my abusive husband left us my kids and I could shower whenever we wanted and eat food out of the fridge without being yelled at.
So freeing isn't it. You are strong. Please dont allow him back in. God bless you and your family
so sad. I've been abused most my life weather its bully or my sons dad . it's just petty
O wow. They try to control shower schedules. And they criticize the way you eat. Too fast, too slow, standing sitting, with knives and forks, without knives and forks, it's always a problem. And they eat however they like.
Ainsley Flint
Wow! Oh my goodness that is so horrible so glad your free!
It's wonderful that you and your children are now free and safe! I wish more people will be able to share how they get out of an abusive relationship, as it seems that most are too scared to leave in the fear that harm will come to them or their children.
First 45 seconds and started crying. That’s how much those words can scar you.
Thats a bit over the top
I feel you, it's like walking on eggshells all the time because you know if you say sowmthing they dont like they'll get mad and yell. And my siblings always tease me about crying everytime my stepdad yells at me, but it's because I feel like he's so angry he will do something that will hurt me and I don't know why I think he'll psychically hurt me because he never has but when he gets so mad and yells at me I feel like he's going to hurt me although he never has. And god forbid if I ever said this to my siblings to explain why I cry when he yells at me they'll think I'm insane... Half the time I feel like im actually going insane
I hope you’re doing okay. Stay strong please. If no one has told you lately, I’m proud of you & you can do anything you put your mind to.
@@rachelryan78 Have you ever been abused? Even if you have, not everybody reacts to it the same way. Intolerance doesn't have a right place, but it definitely doesn't have one under a video and post about abuse.
@@yetanotheruswntmemepage abused? lol..my ex nearly killed me
As one of your former teachers I'm so proud of you for speaking your truth
Eric she is a great and brave speaker. I'm sure your influence as a teacher is there too.
Nice of you to be proud of her! As someone who has experienced the same thing she has gone through....It's actually, "The Truth" not her truth~jusayin!
Are schools educating students in ways to recognize and report abuse as well as developing healthy relationships?
I think I need to be kept back after class
@@Thankful305 Aren't we a negative Nancy! Smh
its important to know that the abuser can sometimes be the mother. anger has no gender.
lr s 💔
lr s very true
Phsycological abuser is generally always the mother (women)
@@curtizmcintyre970 that's not accurate
The mother is usually the one who already knows how to keep her anger and hatred hidden, with no obvious or overt display to hurt your feelings. The word I use to describe this is, insidious! The behavior is covert and deliberate, often directed at only one child. If the child is female the issues are usually jealousy and bitterness, of her own comparison that constantly feed A Mother's Rage. The male child on the other hand is used for the mother to take out her retaliation so those things that she feels the father has done to her, her own perception of injustices, such as adultery or other humiliation, without reason, become a true parental alienation, her weapon to reduce the boy into nothingness. Some of these things could be true but remember, we are talking about innocent children taking an irrational punishment. If you see something that you can call cruel, sadistic, sardonic, intentional then you will understand what I'm talking about.
Christmas , special events, birthdays were always destroyed by the Narcissist. Your happiness has to be destroyed. Only when you are sad or crying - then the Narcissist is satisfied.
Isn't that the truth!
I live this now..it sucks
So very true.
Damn true..
That's what all abusers are Narcssist.
When this young woman's father sees this presentation, he is going to be in denial. He may never believe he is actually that abusive individual.
So true
Most abusers are in denial of there actions, and cannot take responsibility.
I think they know they're awful people. They just pretend they don't understand...
Nina Pope Steven Kessler has a great video on spiritual bypass (flight to the light) as a denial tactic
Most abusers when confronted blame their target for causing them to act that way - blame shifting .
This hits too close to home for me. I'm still waiting for that moment when I'll be able to breathe again.
Same here...
please find the help you deserve, only you can change your situation, be strong, i know it is hard. much love to you, i believe in you
Same
I now how you feel I was hit by my dad to I was half pass out
This is so beatuy..
The best abusers are so subtle with their torture you only realize the extent of the mindfuckery when you get out and look back.
and they try to turn everybody against you
And when u realise u are basing ur every move on something they could and very likely would say, even when they are out u have anxiety everyone perceives u the way they do
Yep
Yes. 😢
Took me 3 years after I got out.
This girl is a really good speaker. If you are raised in this kind of a house, then it opens you up to all kinds of abuse later because you expect the world to behave this way.
And you were taught to tolerate it
And you thought it was nornal. And thought you going crazy
Or you sadly see yourself acting like the abuser did to you and feeling guilty after :'(
This doesn't just happen in the home. My parents cared about me, but the schools I attended were very toxic and heavily abused kids verbally apart from a few decent teachers. I'm still struggling emotionally to this day.
It hurts me more to know I had a hand in choosing a partner that is abusive exposing my kids to this.
The worst part of abuse is that you love that person so you don’t want to leave them or get them in trouble.
felt years of being made to feel my mom's anger was my fault. now all I'm left with is a resentment and feeling that everything I do is wrong
This is where i am right now :(
But….they do not love you back.
Better leave than stay in an abusive relationship.
The only things that seem to help me get past all the hurt and neglect by Mom and Dad is to maintain my distance from them, pray for them, and stop asking why me and instead ask myself what is/what do I do next?
It helped pulled me into the present moment.
I had to do this many times over the course of one year for every 5 I lived under the family of origin roof.
Coincidentally, that's how you "shake off" the effects of another person's mindset in a marriage gone too far wrong.
It's time consuming, but it's effective in terms of beginning to see your life as new individual more clearly.
My mom used biblical manipulation to keep me from recognizing the signs of emotional and verbal abuse, and she still does it today. She would also break me down, build me up, and make me feel worthless again and do it all over again. She would manipulate my mind.
There is something known as religious abuse.
is your mom a sociopath?
It's important to note that there are many people being abused in religious organisations. Abusers are rife because they use fear of eternal damnation as way to control, instill fear, and manipulate. This goes for ALL religions, yes, even yours.
Me alsoo dear 😔
In the same boat as you. No one else makes me feel more worthless than she does
I hate that phrase, " You'll never amount to anything!" My mom told me that every week. I am beginning to think it is a phrase passed down through generations of abusers. I broke that chain!! Made a point of it.
True we need to be breaking such ''phrases"' thanks.
You go. Told the same thing myself I too made every effort and showed them as well. Seems like a hollow victory now there was no acknowledgment of my hard work by those that said those words.
No matter I feel good about myself for making the effort
I’m so sorry. You are something!
@@decoy2636 , You don't need any acknowledgement for what you accomplish!! Just do it and don't pass the abuse down!! You know you did great!! Revel in it! 🤗
@@lindalowe8341 I failed to protect my daughter working out of a suitcase for weeks, months at a time. The last thing I wanted to do when getting home to only get into a fuss and a fight with her mother. I did the best I could and still failed in that regard
I cried while watching this whole thing. I am still emotionally trapped, torn, and afraid today but hopefully I will breathe again soon. Never give up. I won't.
Yes! Keep pushing forward!
Keep pushing. It will be a long battle, but you can do it. Find support in friends, family, anyone that you can. And if you don't feel like you can find someone, message me. Keep fighting.
DarkDream856 I’m also going through it but I’m only 14 and I’m scared to go to social care because I don’t know if I’ll have the money to go to University etc.
@@ogonna3298 I understand where you're coming from. You have a friend right here if you need it.
Ogonna that must be so hard to think about, im also 14 but about to be 15 and i am really sad almost all the time and its been me counting the years til i can move out :/.
The trauma bond stops people leaving. Average 7 times before victim eventually leaves.
And it especially sucks if that person is in your family and you are still a teenager... mine is my stepdad and brother.
I’m 16 and I just recently got out of an abusive relationship. I thought it was love but it was manipulation, it was pain and it fake. He made me cut off all my friends and made me feel worthless. I have never been happier, leaving him was the best thing I’ve ever done!
Same girl😭 it’s the best thing to do , so happy I got out of this😭 hope you’re doing ok 🥺🤍🤍
@@Kikisdiary. i’m so good!! a lot of PTSD but therapy helps so much! Hope you’re doing well!! 💖
@@molly4919 me too ! just recently got out of it so yeah doing my best 🥺😭
I always thought that it was my fault, that I pushed them to the point by screaming because I was scared, that I had nothing to complain about because they would take such good care and I had nowhere else to go anymore. When they kicked me out, it was like waking up, remembering every little thing they did to me, that I myself sweeped under the rug to stay sane and I can finally acknowledge that this, the abuse, the screaming the choking, was not my fault.
I now my dad did that all the time but he would do that and then he would hit us I feel you
Bravo, bravo! It sounds like if you haven't made it already or just about you! There is a certain piece that comes to you when you see that light, the truth!
Excuse me, my last comment was too, thisbit.
Oh, I should stop using this dictation it's spelled words wrong. Believe me I can spell. Sometimes I type but I wish I can be testy go to a random assault 3 years ago. I didn't even know that man and in broad daylight he pistol-whipped me in the face and head until I had to have brain surgery. Taking me that long to even come back 85% the reason that I tell you just is someone said oh, that just kind of childhood can set you up for other abuse throughout your life. This is ever so true. Go to someone, quickly, that you can possibly Trust because this is unseen by most people. First, people must be aware that it goes on. Second they must be educated to recognize it. I've even been asked to teach classes on this very subject about the covert narcissism and how it destroys every single one of us. I've actually thought about doing an online class, absolutely free oh, because of the devastating effects. It can destroy marriages, our employment and how we react to certain situations, it can also destroy our marriages if we don't know what is happening to us. Our personalities tend to attract the people that abuse us the most. This can possibly even carry generation after generation to your family depending on how you raise your own children. I wish the totally opposite way with my own four children. being raised by this hideous person cause me to overcompensate when I raise my own. sometimes the product child of overcompensation and be spoiled, mean and conniving. these children don't want to suffer the consequences of their own actions. we as parents who suffered under parents that really could not possibly have loved us, often also spend a lifetime I'm over compensation Trying to let our own children know how much we love them. It is not my excuse but it is the reason! unless we face this head-on and straight up for what it really is, for it to stop, finally stop! It will continue! It is inevitable that the cycle must be broken. there are those that surely remember, Nancy Reagan's, slogan of,JUST SAY NO!!! it is my premise that we should say that for a lot of different things that we know are wrong.
This is my story. My husband did this and blamed me that it's all my fault
My abusive father told me that he had magical powers which included reading my mind. I was terrified.
Me too hahaha 😂😂
oh my goshhh i cant imagine the fear i would have had if my dad told me that 💀💀
My mom said she could read faces...nd it was so depressing because she judged u all d time
😳
He use to tell me I never put my hands on you! But it was ok for him to threaten my life and laugh when I was in tears😥 Till this day I'm struggling to be in a committed relationship. I spent 3 years working on myself worth and care. Ladies it start with you loving yourself💖🙌🙌🙏🙌🙌🙌💕
Im so sorry baby growing up and going thru it mentally is worse as physical i pray u get all u deserve
I have seven years without couple: I feel better now, reprogramming my self love 💕💕💕 but not wanting someone very near after such traumatic experiences...
@@MrSMEMEGANGSTAA ❤
@Madelynn Nash ❤
@@Anagarciamarquez ❤
Listening to her is like listening to my story
Baby im sorry we all came here for a reason i pray u get everything u deserve
I wish I had heard this when I was a teenager or child. I am a 63 year old women and am still being abused. He would tell us he was going to blow his brains out everytime he didn't like something we said, and so much more than that. Good job your helping a lot of people. When I was young, it was shameful to talk about it. Thank you for the upcoming generation.
Yes.this should be taught in schools. I wish I had known also. I've experienced all abuse .😢
Thank you. Because physical and verbal abuse has been going on in my family for decades.
Cody Patino ....I hear you and understand- I am sorry you have had to go through it or are still going through it...
Literally same
I am so sorry to hear this Cody Patino. Hope the situation improves for you & your family. Prayers.
Family is supposed to be nurturing, not abusive......I had two abusers growing up....
It the same for me
this deserves so much more attention, glad I'm not the only one
Mystical Shibe
🙏🏻👍🏻
mars uwu You’re not alone.
I wish I could say, I'm the only one,, it's too prevalent. I've seen it too much with others.
You are one of many millions, yet still one in a million. 🤗
It's a hard topic my guidance counselor told me can be the worst type of abuse
Sounds like the father was a textbook case of a Narcissist. Speaking from experience (I had a parent like that), that can give one Cptsd.
How did you deal with him?
@@rltreasure regardless of your abuse you can be trans
Peace n love to u friend
How do you deal with such people?
Narcissistic parents are not capable of love
In my case, my father would beat me if I simply embarrassed him. That’s not even talking about when he was actually mad.
Of course, now you know that he was mentally ill. Not your fault.
Abuse does tear families apart.
More people need to see this. I couldn’t get out until I was nearly 18.
I was outgoing, I had friends, hobbies, but no one, no teacher, friend, other parent, neighbor ever did anything.
Too often people stay silent and it’s kids who suffer. More people need to recognize the signs and reach out to those suffering around them.
I was that friend that always helped my friends recognize if their relationship was toxic or abusive in anyway. I knew the signs, I knew what to look out for. I always said, never me. I would leave immediately. Yet I found myself stuck in a psychologically abusive relationship for almost three years. It really can happen to anybody. Do not victim blame❤️
I totally understand this ! There are five different types of abuse/neglect in addition to, physical ! Both parents had major issues, refused long term counseling, and should have NEVER married each other ! What a nightmare ! I am adopted, and I am tired of being gaslit, in addition to, having money be used as a weapon to control ! Also, what happened to my daughter, myself, and possibly others, should NOT be minimized ! The abuse is REAL, the pain is REAL ! TRUTH !...."Dance around the pink elephant in the room"... so to speak...
Meanwhile, I am STILL without a vehicle because it was systematically vandalized, in the corrupt State of Connecticut, after working three low paying jobs to pay it off ! The victimization has gone on for DECADES ! (1979-2021) This is ILLEGAL, brutal, criminal, and clinically insane !!
Hehe..Kris godinez quote I guess...😊
@王適宜 ..I am so sorry you went or are still going through this ! I hope to God that you have a solid attorney to sue for all of the damages ! I know I have been blocked for decades, which is another problem !
I was much older than Lizzy when I found out my mother is a covert narcissist. You are not alone. ❤️
I cried the entire time watching this. I myself grew up with an abusive father and now I am in a marriage filled with emotional & verbal abuse. I always said when I was a kid that I would never be in such a relationship. Now I am living in one with kids of my own. 😢😢😢😢 First the abuse was towards me now he is turning it towards our son. I know I need to get us out of this. I am trying my best to get out. Thank you for this video.
I wish I could share this with certain family members, but I can't imagine the backlash.
Emotional abuse is so hard to get over with because these narcissists I met in person have said things and treated human in a way that somehow made me think they have a point , but I’m glad I had the nature of being able to think “it doesn’t matter whether their offenses sounds right , what matters is my feelings and my bruises, I am allowed to exist the way I am” there are no such thing as positive offenses ,abuse is abuse.
And I just wanna say as a conclusion that narcissists will never have a point and they never did anyway so if you’re a loving person then feel free to exist the way you’d like.
Excellent point!
Her father is just like mine, I’m only 16, so I have to wait 2 years😪 But I got it
I feel what your going through, same here girly. Stay strong we can get through this!
God bless u baby
Naomi Turner , I wish I could hug and tell you are worth it. You are not the terrible things you are told you are.
Same here we can do this
Me too girl. I’m seventeen, but it’s the SAME WAY and ALWAYS HAS BEEN. I cannot tell you how much this video has made me search for the “screaming your head off” keyboard language so I can write this reply to you.
I know this is something that I am still struggling with myself, but please, please, don’t ever be in a relationship where someone makes you apologize for being you. Someone who truly loves you would never make you apologize just for simply being yourself.
This sounds like some of the things I went through with my mother when she was alive. She was mentally ill and unpredictable, so we were always treading carefully around her because she was a nightmare to deal with when she'd been set off.
It's been nearly 4 years since she died and I'm still dealing with her negative voice in my head.
I don't know if it's classified as emotional or psychological abuse though. At times she was a good and loving mother, but other times she'd say the most hurtful and demeaning things to me, which made it feel unsafe to have positive self-esteem and it was only in my early 20s that I started to feel safe enough to come out of my shell again after nearly a decade of hiding from everything. I'm still living in fear though. I don't feel safe enough to internalize positive comments about myself for fear that they'll get taken away again. I'm amazed at people who are able to do that though. Good on her for having the courage to speak up about this when it was so recent for her, and being so young.
I'd say it's a litte of both
Ouch I feel you there. That seems to be a lot of cycling there with the back and forth of hot then cold behavior. Though it does raise a fact: toxic and/or abusive people don’t act horribly all the time. If they did, it’d be near impossible to gain any “followers” on their side. The one facet you also need to look out for is their reaction to being called out for harmful behavior. If anyone consistently acts on the defensive, pulls you into circular arguments, brings up the same non relevant or heated subjects that have already been addressed before, attacks your character or blame shifts, etc, then that person is likely not for your best interest. Break the chains!
@@r3b0rn_mike117 And even when they're caught, there are still people who will worship the ground the abuser walks on and victim-blame.
I've dealt with this for decades with my wife. Women are not the only ones that share this experience.
This is actually happening to me at the moment, hits me so hard. Everyday I am mentally and verbally abused like I am so worthless and always at the wrong side of my point. Thank you for this wonderful speech. I hope I can be happy this coming holiday season.
Reminds me of my father. Still have to live with him. He is a covert narcissist and the worst is, when you try to tell someone about the psychological abuse and all the say is "how do you know he is narcisstic, your not a therapist" or "he once helped you, he wouldnt do that if he wouldnt love you"
She is literally describing my life and my father.
Yes how relatable
SAME
You are a strong and beautiful woman
Swabreena Mohamed women want to hear soem thing else than being called beautiful
I have had a very abusive childhood and an equally abusive ongoing adulthood. Quiet similar to your situations. We are not allowed to laugh, to talk, to think or even eat what we like. We have to live as per their wish in totality. This is sick and inhuman. Adding to the atrocity, he lashes out on us as and when he want. But the saddest part is there is no rescue from the whole thing.
Sounds like a narcissistic behavior to me. A narcissist's intent is to destroy slowly while enjoying the power they have over you by doing so.
I've been insulted, bully, shame in front of other people by calling me deaf when I was a child when I get scolded. I have an ear disease when I was 10. My mother was the only who knew about it but she was also the one who most abused me emotionally by saying "deaf" throughout my childhood until teenager that impacted so much of my adolescence. I also experience other types of abuse when I get scolded, humiliating in front of other people. Saying mean and hurtful words. I'm 24 now. I grew up being bullied by my family. It became one of my biggest insecurity. Thats why I never had the chance to ask help from others and doctors.
I realized that my illness was making my life so hard, made me feel anxious depressed. I became so isolated and hopeless. I just kept it all inside me until I couldn't take it anymore. So I decided to ask about it even though it is so hard and very heavy to open up about it I was so scared and ashamed. And she told me I was about to get surgical treatment but she didn't let me go through it because she was scared for me. It was acceptable reason. It's not about financial problem. What I didn't accept and hated is how they treat me and insulted me that me so helpless. And now I suffer from multiple complications after my surgery. Facial paralysis and hearing loss. The only thing that I have was my face and now its all gone. I don't know how to continue living like this. The anger and pain is what I feel. I couldn't even blame myself. Was it my fault? I Was weak. I let them win. It was too late for them to know what they'd done to me and I think they felt guilty.
Listening to this gives me anxiety and makes me feel really nervous I don't know how to explain it. It reminds me of what I went through and I can't forget it 😔💔 i hate this feeling
Yes. ..cortisol (the stress hormone)
It's triggering emotional flashbacks for you. Check out spartanlifecoach on RUclips
You get told things like “Your being melodramatic.” or “You have no right to complain.” So many times that you start to believe it yourself, and by the time you actually see what is going on it’s so ingrained into your mind that you can’t not believe it.
Many of the experiences Lizzy outlines here with her father...are experiences I can relate to, growing up around my grandmother. As long as we can walk, myself, my cousins, my mother, my aunt and most of all my uncle, were harangued, told off, lectured for absolutely everything we did or didn't do. None of us could do anything that was "good enough". She never accepts us as we are, she accepts who she wants us to be.
At the end of last year, when I was 29, I resigned from a toxic job. The hardest part was telling my grandmother about it - harder than the resignation itself. Our resultant conversation from that opened up many other doors - now my mother and grandmother are no longer talking, my uncle has distanced himself from her...10 months on, life's the best it has been in a long time.
Anybody reading this, who has a relationship with somebody - family member, colleague, friend or partner - who behaves this way towards you, please just hear this out.
Their attitude is NOT your fault or responsibility.
You do NOT owe them anything.
You DO have the power to walk away. You might have to do it slowly, you might have to plan it. BUT. YOU. CAN. DO. IT.
How about: whats it to you after saying something supportive. What about saying things to cut me down when im being silly or cute. What about screaming and punching walls, slamming doors. What about claiming im told things that i was never told making me feel insane. What about blaming me for something done by the perpetratory? The list goes on. And why do i stay around? Why do i care? Why do i try and why cant i get away. I have no one and nothing. Im on meds to keep me from panic attacks.
itziebitz hey, you're going to be okay. I'm currently in a verbally/psychologically abusive relationship for over a decade. I'm starting to see the light now. That's why I'm here, and thats why you're here too. Two strangers tied together. And because we're both looking for change & hope, searching for love. Acceptance. Joy.... means that we haven't quit on ourselves... we're gonna get through this. YOU are gonna get through this. Hit me up anytime♡
Went through this for 17 years on top of spiritual abuse. I'm begging you both to get out. Runaway from these abusive relationships. It won't get better. It will get worse. Contact a local domestic violence center near you both and a counselor will help you step by step. YOU CAN DO IT! YOU DESERVE MORE AND YOU....ARE....WORTH..SO...MUCH..MORE💜
I know the feeling. I endured this too.
Cast your cares to god and leave. You strong you got this.
This hits close to home, glad I'm the only one who is or has gone through these things.
Maya Sims
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I have been yelled at for little things by my dad (who has a deep voice, which makes it worse) since I was a young kid if I did something wrong that I didn’t realize I was not okay. I’ve been yelled at and told to speak my mind when someone knows I have something to say and then they yell at me for it and punish me with words. I’ve been told to stick up for myself when bullied in school for being different and for the things I like, but when I had the courage to say something I would get laughed at or talked over. My dad doesn’t fly off the handle as much as he used to but he still has a temper that I can only handle by shutting down and answering yes or no when he asks me anything when he’s blowing smoke. My first long term relationship made me feel great because a guy made me feel loved and noticed and made me think, “wow, someone ACTUALLY wants to be in a romantic relationship with me and support me”. I overlooked many things that could’ve been red flags in the three years I dated him. In the final year, he tries to convince me that my body was his too and that I should start a family with him or he would dump me. He convinced me it was okay to be intimate before marriage even if it was strongly against the morals I was raised on, but I was careful in agreeing with him. He made me want to drop out of college because it was emotionally too difficult to handle it along with the relationship. With encouragement to reflect on myself and what I wanted, I dumped him before he could trap me in the relationship by making me agree and submit to starting a family. He contacted me several times a day, sending videos of himself crying, making fake accounts to trick me into contacting him but I wasn’t fooled. He made me fear for everything that my anxious brain imagined he might do. It takes time, support, and things that make each day meaningful to heal but the experience never truly leaves you no matter how great things get in the long run. You no longer trust so easily, you analyze all possible outcomes before going into a stressful situation to mentally prepare as much as possible, and at the slightest red flag or trigger, you prepare to defend your mind and body. Living a good life is possible, with a lot of work on yourself and self care inside and out, and knowing your limits and not allowing others to try and push you past them. But your mind and body become wired to react a lot easier so you can survive. It’s not fun. It’s not heroic. It’s a different life. And like any new life, you have to rediscover what works and what doesn’t, likely a lot different from how unaffected people live and you have to accept that.
You aren't alone.
This breaks my heart bc it hits so close to my heart.
Thank you for this. My partner choked and pushed me around last night and I finally stood up for myself, left and got a hotel. I’ll pray to keep my strength to finally after 11 years to never allow myself to be hurt again.
The 5 points you mentioned have been my life for the past year and I've reached the lowest I've ever felt in my whole entire life, I literally don't want to be here anymore!
This had me crying everything she said was spot on for me , I finally had enough and walked away from my abuser he was so sweet at first then so mean. Took me awhile but I did it told myself I gotta love me more
That was me, it was amazing at 1st, I was like finally! Slowly slowly it started and got worse and worse, then one day he snapped and it was word vomit spewing. We were on holidays. When we said goodbye, talk tomorrow, I blocked him from everything and I've never seen him since, friends say he's heartbroken. Too bad, I loved him, I know he loved me too, many years together, but never lived together, both of us wanted to stay close to our children. Never again! I'd had an emotionally abusive husband, I was not going to spend years again. Anyone reading this, if they've started, they'll never stop. It's not your fault.. get out asap ✌❤🕉
M literally weeping now. I dont want my daughter to have a father I am dating.
I was verbally abuse by my own mother since I was a young boy until now this is a reason why I'm watching these
The verbal and psycological abuse from a parent is one of the most painfull one. Great talk , thank you.
Thank you for this moment of truth. Very accurate. Should be shown in schools to help children who go through this.
I really hate when people say "you're not alone" like okay, millions of people are abused should I feel happier or what?
No, not really. I think it is implied that if you reach out to these people they can help you get through it. We can always learn from each others experiences and support each other
The worst is when they side with the abuser and you are isolated even more. Your wants, needs and life are basically crushed to satisfied them. The worst one I heard was from my own mother "You were born to lose". Narcissists view life as a game and they will lie, cheat, steal, ignore so that they get their way. Tell an abuser what they did and the will sit there and say "No I loved you". Psychological and verbal abuse happens even in plain sight but due to the ignorance of today many ignore what is happening because it doesn't affect them. Hard to even get help as many in the mental health profession can do the same thing to you. All about controlling people. Try to stand up for yourself and you are called the abuser. It's a sick and twisted situation...I think that's why so many end up on drugs, become alcoholics or just take their own life.
I feel her with all my heart.
I’m suffering sooo much rn. I don’t know how to deal with this 😞
I feel the same way i dont know how people be cruel like this i cry everyday
Mae Freddie I’m sooo sorry 😭💔
Amen to this. I hope my children see this and know their dads awfulness is not a reflection of them. It’s his abusive nature...
If the person is recovering from a decently major surgery to his shoulder (doctor prescribed oxycodone for pain), but has a history of what I would definitely call verbal abuse, and is yelling at both his mother and myself, such as just now he wanted to take a half a pain pill well before it was time to take another pain pill, and he yelled at us, "I don't need you staring at the calendar" when his mother was asking if it was alright or time to take the next pill because she's afraid of his yelling and I said "I don't know, but here is where we've been keeping track of it" like what do I do?...I mean the real problem is the history of this. I'd chalk it up to surgery or pain otherwise. It's very upsetting, I've been shaking ever since he got back from the surgery. I'm taking care of two small children and trying to work full time and pump for the baby and he's made taking care of the kids difficult too with his yelling and anger. He seems to time his outbursts for whenever I need to pump, which I have to hide in a bathroom in my own home to do because he seems to want to barge in and interrupt and times it for those times. and it's already hard enough to do with my job...this is getting ridiculous, what do I do? what can I do? the law doesnt seem to be written where this is enough abuse
I feel like you should reach out to a women's shelter in your area for advice & resources 🙏💙
I'm over 60 and my dad has been dead for 27 years yet I still have actions related to the psychological abuse he used on me. I was lucky though, since he was in the Navy for 22 years during the Vietnam era he was gone a lot. If he wasn't doing tours of duty then he would have to go aboard ship for 3 to 6 months for training. I shudder to think how much more he would have done to me had he not been gone so much.
I'm not the only one; you're not alone.
Crying while watching this. When they take away your reality.
Same girl. Same. I always felt different from the other kids because deep down I knew my parents didn’t care about me and I knew this isn’t how adults were suppose to act. Your dad sounds exactly like mine. It’s still very painful.
"Dont you know how much i love you?" that one threw me off because its one i dont hear
I spent 16 years with an emotional abuser. Five years out of that relationship and I'm still trying to put myself back together. Some days I wonder if I'll ever get back the confidence and joy of life I had before I met him. Recovery is a slow and lonely road.
Im almost 11 yrs out. No you wont get "back to" who you were before. There is now a new normal for you. You move on and become a new you. Its not all bad. New life, new wants, new laughs, etc. Possibly new friends, new home, new job, maybe even a move! But, some of the demons will follow you for life. Talk to someone.
You will it takes time.
Essentially what you are describing is someone who is trapped in a relationship with a narcissist! To discover that you were never loved after a 14 year relationship is mind blowing devastating! To know that can't protect your children from this person who just so happens to be their mother is crippling, a feeling you can't quite name but makes you feel as though you are suffocating! 😭
Sorry. It must be the way life is supposed to be. Is the only way I can live with the guilt of choosing a narcissist for a husband and father of my child. I thought I knew better because I grew up with narcissist parents, but I didn't know about the covert kind so I was only looking out for yelling.
You were talking about your father, and I felt that it was about mine. Everything you say is what I'm experiencing. However, in my case, my mother is equally abusive, including my siblings.
I'm waiting for the moment I'll be able to breathe again.
I relate a LOT to all of this
She is accomplishing so much, and she is goregous, and smart, and is sharing her voice, and she is fit! She deserves the best. No one should tell her such awful things.
You. You are too. You are beautiful. You are going to go far in life. You can do this.
I can feel the "sigh" you made when he moved out, it's truly relaxing..bliss
You are not alone. Psychological Abuse is something that I have been experiencing my whole life. Thank you for your video. It was so so helpful and reassuring to hear.
this video actually made me notice that my mother is emotionally abusing me. I think at some point I thought about that but I just didn’t think it could be true because I love her too much.
YES, THE FALSE HOPES!!!
Eunice Immortalis
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Definining someone negatively, through actions, intentions or words, is abuse. Outstanding video!!
Yes yes yes. Thank u for this. My parents r Nothing short of bullies. I know the music thing, I understand the ticking time bombs And for what putting clothes in the clothes hamper. Verbal abuse chips away at your self esteem And the abuser knows how to get u. And I am still the least favorite of 3 children. Happiness for a abuser is too much for them.
Thank you for this video. It's important to raise awareness about this type of abuse. I didn't know I was in an abusive relationship until after I left. The abuse was so insidious that I didn't realize I was being gaslighted, manipulated, stonewalled, etc.
This is extremely important. Thank you for sharing💜
My mother has been physically and mentally abusing since I was a kid , when I was 15 she said " i wish i killed you when you were in my womb " . That line scarred me for life . She never loved me unconditionally , yes. Never . My whole life till today was like rapunzel's story . I'm 20 now, she still physically and mentally abuses me if I don't do it her way . And if I still don't listen to her , then both of my parents abuse me together, but just like rapunzel's story , I would break free and spread love to everyone I come in contact with . Pain , but I won't let it turn into hate . This soul of mine will never break. 🤙🏼
Thank you for sharing and I’m so sorry to hear about the abuse you were subjected to. The abuse you were subjected to is not your fault.
i've never resonated with a video so much. it truly is hard to admit the faults of someone who doesn't physically harm you or goes weeks without lashing out.
Definitely gone through this and some of my family experiencing it too☹️. At times I wonder when it all ends. It hurts because people confuse it with fear, mental issues along with other confusing factors. It hurts to see your family going through it and there is nothing you can do. It hurts when the person you assume might help may actually be the one making things worse. Despite all I still hope for the best. When you remember there is a God, you gain back that lost hope. I wish anyone going through the same, the best healing, love and happiness ❤️
I admire this girl so much. I know how hoard it must have been to talk about this
From my experience,Abuser’s also keep their victims in a state of mental confusion to impair the victims decision making abilities …so that its hard to decide , pinpoint n call-out the abuser’s behaviour.
Because of my abusers (my father and stepmother), I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror. The thing that really gets me isn't just the fact that a man who's supposed to be my father stripped his daughter of all emotion before Christmas one year when she was eleven and scared for her life, or the fact that he let his second wife mentally/verbally abuse his only biological child. It was the fact that, out of my step-brothers and me, they both went after me, and me alone
My mother would insult me and when I reacted badly, then say " What - don't you have a sense of humor?"
"No one is immune to domestic violence"-So true!
I'm going through the exact same things she mentioned 😢
I lived in the same situation, it's nice to hear about it from someone else.
CPTSD is a thing.
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Exactly!! I thought I was the only one who experienced this type of childhood....
Same here
Thank you so much for standing up and giving the speech you’re an amazing woman
I LOVE to see these type of videos everywhere, more people aware of the different type of abuse, being awake about this is a Hope of social And personal freedom
Thanks for sharing, It's relieving but extremely sad that other people know what it's like. Here's hoping we can do something.
Your father must have been my father. We hated living there. Identical story!
same!!!
same! I swear in every one of these stories, they almost always say the same thing
And my father...
Ours
ALL these phrases give me flashbacks. I had this and every kind of physical abuse you can think of, from my parents and first husband. Unlike you, I thought everyone live like this. I am in my sixties now and the flashbacks, dreams and memories are still very fresh. I had years of therapy which helped some. My current part we is a very kind man who would never hurt me. Unfortunately the good guys often pay the price for the monster's debts.
Thank you so much for your courage to share. This is a very difficult thing to explain to family and friends especially when they dont perceive you as someone who can be abused or was abused.