The Victim Control Dynamic (Escaping Control Drama in Relationships) - Teal Swan -
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- Опубликовано: 9 июн 2017
- The Victim Control Dynamic may be the reason we experience a lot of drama in our own relationships. People tend to alternate between playing 3 roles (like a triangle) in relationships… Either the Victim, the Villain, or the Hero. In this dynamic, a person plays the victim to manipulatively get what they want from other people.
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Teal Swan is a revolutionary for personal transformation and is one of The Most Spiritually Influential Living People in the world. As a renowned author, speaker and social media star, she travels the world teaching self-development and teaching people how to transform their emotional, mental, physical and spiritual pain.
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My ex was this person, no matter how reasonable i was with him he would still find ways to twist it back onto me no matter how kind, understanding and gentle i was.
My ex wife did this constantly. Her stories got more and more dramatic... but my emotional response was not guilt and shame, but rather confusion. In the face of confusion, she upped her attack until I finally got upset and told her she had to stop. Then telling her to stop becomes the most abusive action anyone could ever do to her.
This information need to be shared- we have to stop being suckers and ask "what did you do just before that happened?" instead of "what did he/she do to you?"
Victim control works because we don't engage the whole story. We don't seek wisdom. We pick a side.
Victims are covert bullies. Energy vampires
my husband is the same, i try to be kind, calm and understanding, he is the younger brother, its funny tough and i know his self esteem is low. i try to build it up but he dont gets out of his men-cave. so theres no point in me for trying anymore?
@@ImagineINMontana yes, somehow I came out as the abuser and bully of our marriage. She used this strategy and tortured me for hours, locked me up with her alone in order that I snap and do something abusive (yell, pull for the keys, threat).
After 8 yrs, she found a new savior, one of my best friends. There was a point in wich she even convince me, it was soly my fault. I feel so free now from all the drama and stress, hopefully she will sign the divorce papers soon...
probably borderline personality disorder; same dynamic, 5th getting back and each breakup interval becoming shorter, and i ostracized more and more each time.
“The suckiest part about having been victimized is that it doesn’t
change the fact that you still have to live a normal life and we all know how freaking
hard that is. There comes a point where it’s like, yes you were tortured, yes
you were abused or yes you were just not nurtured in the way you needed to be
nurtured and life was unfair. And what’s even more unfair is that even so… it doesn’t
change the fact that you have to take responsibility for your life and start
from where you are, even if it is at a disadvantage, and to put one foot in
front of the other until you are actually creating the kind of life you want to
create.” ~ Teal Swan
"Words of Wisdom" don't even describe this passage from the video. Love ya Teal. :)
You seem like such a deep, sweet person, Marco! :)
Indeed
Amén
yes, genius!
"who didn't you rescue?" God, Teal has such powerful questions, they hit me right in the core.
Almost 30 years later I'm learning that sometimes the best response is NONE AT ALL
Needa Daddy if they’re not ready to hear what you have to say they won’t listen anyway.
Exactely. That is what I did. I started to meditate during 'attacks'.
And the words: 'I am sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you.' Worked like MAGIC, too.
I only took responsability for something I, in fact, WAS responsable for. And there is always something how small even. This worked totoally for me.
And divirce also helped😅
Amen!
Arguing with stupid just brings you to their level and leaves you feeling stupid💯
my mother needed care, and i was 'selfish' when i could not meet her needs. then she would feel shame and guilt. i felt uncomfortable to exist next to her and ashame to feel because she was an actual victim of abuse and neglect. but i was only a little girl. it's still on. i became the eternal victim and threw my heart into incompetent hands, probably seeking lost healthy attachments I never had. I need care. I am learning to care for myself more these days.
Same here.
Channeling Science well put. Thank you
i have this same story. youre not alone
I am proud of you for choosing to be absolutely honest with yourself.
You made me feel innerstood.
THIS! This is my mother! No one understands. Thanks again.
Same here
Same here. She doesn't understand my rage against her.
Same lmao
I understand.
I understand because its my mother too...
Omg! I lived through this with my "best friend" she was constantly being "victimized" and always being rescued. I eventually realized (after 8 years) what was going on and stopped helping. As soon as I stopped all of a sudden I was the "bad friend" who just gossiped and victim shammer. It was awful. Finally I walked away from the entire circle jerk. My life improved 1000%. Her and her friends eventually split ways as well. I'll never get stuck in this again. It's very shitty.
loverlei79 I experienced that as well. My (ex) best friend was always mad at me and I couldnt figure out what I did wrong. It was as if I was doing stuff to her to make her upset and she would tell people I made her cry (but wouldnt tell me but our other friends)...very unfair and frustrating. I walked away and altho I miss her and friendship, I didnt want that hanging over me....telling me I disappointed her expectations. Hope she is in a better place now.
loverlei79 you will get stuck in this again. BUT, if you can recognize it early or just don't engage at all until you see the entire picture, you won't get stuck in this.
loverlei79 you were flaming the fire and really you deserve what you got...stay out of others business until you know both sides and not just because they are a "friend" do you take sides...the way to avoid thus is to not go off of pure emotion. i have been through this and it can literally destroy a persons life because there areno bounds to what most gaslighters will go for attention and ti "win"
rotfl, nice to get gaslighted on this comment thread. I "got what I deserved" based on a paragraph of my life. Dude you need to get yourself some balance and a healthy objective view when judging what you believe happened in other people's lives based on a paragraph. . . Rubber and glue.
Just wanted to give an update since I got a new comment. It's been 3 years since I left the original youtube comment and 6 since I broke off the friendship. Just to hammer in the crazy, my last conversation with my "best friend" she tried to convince me that my town and house was full of mind controlling demons and that I needed to leave with her immediately. Ahem, not once have the demons tried to poltergeist me, I'm happily married, and well...the town hasn't descended into the 9th gate yet. You don't have to be a victim to narcissists or always fall for gaslighting. You just have to regain the self confidence they stole and make firm boundaries. Always happy to look back and prove the internet haters wrong as well.
I just realized I am not crazy. I have been right all along.
Jamie R. You’re not crazy 💖
As a user of this dynamic, it is so deep that I justify it. I need more help, advice, resources in order to nurture or grow from this information
Same here
Its impressive that you can admit you are guilty of this dynamic... that is one big step towards your healing
Me too.. 🙃 any tips anyone ?
This is something important for people to recognize. I remember I was meeting big agents and my mom said, "did they like you?" instead of asking, "did YOU like THEM?" Sounds so subtle, but after years of that you think you need to make people like you or that you're not goof enough. I then empowered myself. And it's not like we should blame either, because they are only teaching us what they themselves were taught by someone else. Much love
Rising above all these social subtleties is so much work.
Beautiful. Thanks for sharing that, and I can relate. Powerful distinction. You are the prize to be won!
I brought my then bf now ex to meet family and my father said, let's see if you can get along with her.
Beautifully put! i dreamt of being in a very similar situation the other night
Oh, Teal. You have a video for every problem, conflict, or misery us humans have dealt with. 😂
James Jacob ikr
Well, that's simply the way such a spiritual teacher is composed and conditioned. - Gosh, I so wanted to braid her hair and now someone else did! ^^
James Jacob 😂😂😂😂
All you all above are sheerly delightful! Jaya Teal!
Professionally speaking James Ms Teal is talking about all of the problems, issues, and misery we human beings DID NOT deal with yet. :)
This was hard for me to listen to and I noticed my heart racing and that I had a hard time retaining information. I wonder if this is a signal that there's truth in it for me. I have been so absorbed in enlightenment work, I think I need to change gears for a bit and work on emotional work now. Thanks! 🙂
Wow. Just wow. I recognize this as my birth family dynamic. My dad was always the bad guy. My mom was the victim. And I`ve done quite a bit of following in my mom`s footsteps!!
awareness and acceptance of your own innner demons is very awsome.. well done you.. :)
Thank you!! I`m working very hard on all this. It`s nice to get a little encouragement. Much Love to you!
I have the same dynamic I’m just starting to explore and overcome... I would love to know how you’re doing now.
Well done on identifying this aspect and owning your s***. Working on this myself too.
Same
In my experience roles are switching all the time and it gets even more confusing. You never know who is the real victim.
I feel exactly the same! how do we know we actually are a victim and when we are just playing one?
Monika Strzalaa I agree so so so much!!!
Yes! I’m super confused with all this switching
Ww need to observe, write it down incident by jncident honestly and figure out
@@strawberrymins when you take the first strike
This reminds me a bit of the Johnny depp & Amber heard situation. Everyone thought he was the villain and she was the victim, now it looks more like she's the villain
Classic case.
He's getting justice!!
This comment aged well ❤️🩹
@@homestylegravy yup nothing has happened to it no upvotes…
Now they found out he actually edited all the audio footage to his advantage.
I need to watch this again
I'm trying to get out of a victim control relationship where I was the evil witch woman and he was the poor candid sweet man suffering. I can't tell you how hard it is to get out of the manipulation dynamic. I can't wait to be free from it
Teal, I promise you, you have single-handedly been responsible for inspiring me and turning my life around from a bad place. Your depth, warmth, honesty and openness touches me and so many people out there. Without your past, you couldn't 'know' such things. Therein lies the beauty and the paradox of it all. Don't EVER stop being you. ! X
What about the Empath who is a victim to a Narcissist for 20 years? I just had a major awakening in December 2016. Like my DNA woke the hell up! I'm still changing. I'm 55, been running from my gifts my entire life because I never fit in. I used drugs and alcohol to dull my "just knowing ", dreams, Claire audio, etc. I quit alcohol 14 years ago. I have changed so much that my narcissist left, filed for a divorce, even changed his number. A month later he asked to come back. I'm so different now that he doesn't know what to do with me! LMFAO
So, am I the "bad guy"? Am I the gas lighter? What's your take? Not everyone fits into the same mold. I never fit into this world. I actually died in 1981 and have been home. I wanted to stay. But oh no I was made to return to this HELL, I knew I had unfinished work. I'm Finally awake and now know why I had to stay. Boy! That took a very long time! Lol
Hope you are doing well, can you share your gifts. I feel similar to what you felt/feel, dont fit in anywhere and been in toxic codependent/narcisstic relationship for 20 years. well, i left ages ago but couldnt quite get away as we had a daughter and i wanted to stay close so that my child still has a dad; but it backed fire big time... now i just focus on developing my gifts.
THIS! This is what happened to me at a job I had a few years ago. It finally got to the point where she physically attacked me and everyone acted like I physically attacked her. Even the boss did until I asked him about things that didn't add up with her story. She ended up quittiing after that but I couldn't stay somewhere where my co-workers had lied about me to make me look bad to management, so I quit too.
Whoa.. this was a prominent dynamic in a friendship I had. I ended the friendship not fully understanding what was bothering me and why certain behaviors were taking place. Thank goodness I followed my instincts.. now I am healing my own childhood wounds and very aware of trauma bonded relationships
My last relationship ended lately because my boyfriend made me feel like a perpetrator for wanting to talk through our problems. He wasn't openly playing the victim, but I think he just expected everything to be okay all the time between us, ((well really I think he wanted me to sacrifice my needs and wants to try and make him happy like what he does)), and then felt threatened/attacked when I would talk about there being an imbalance or state how I was feeling. I felt blamed by him for voicing my needs at times. I don't know why I'm posting this right now actually because I'm exhausted and really need to sleep but I think I do understand why this dynamic is so difficult to pin. The break was difficult. He had the intention to hurt me but I somehow was able to remain objective... I think it was the sort of thing where I watched it end while we were together and I had already done much of my grieving by that point. I've been quite a bit confused since it's ended, trying to put the pieces back together. I want to learn what I can from what happened. I know the break was bad, and other than that I don't remember much of our end talks. He wanted to perpetually run away from his problems instead of going to face them directly. There was a distinct point where I found myself crying like a child saying I didn't understand what was happening, because I literally did not understand. It was like he was posessed by a demon. I had a bit of a harsh awakening when I realized I only had bad anxiety when I was around him. I remember a specific time when he left the house, and my anxiety was GONE lol. And then I noticed that it was like that every time he left, I felt so much more relaxed when he wasn't around. I don't really understand consciously why that was, but I haven't really had anxiety since moving to an intentional community after the break up! x) I think feelings can tap into things our conscious minds can't even touch. The question is... are you listening?
ChildFlowwwer
lol are you listening?
ChildFlowwwer same thing happened with me but finally made the decision to move on :)
Oh my gawd exactly what is going on with me rn!!!
going through the exact same situation now. i just want to break free
So familiar.
Yes of course! This is just the Victim-Persecuter-Rescuer (Karpman's Triangle) in transactional analysis theory, we did it on my clinical psychology masters :)
Amazing video! I cut contact with my family almost two years ago and it was the best thing I have ever done. I highly recommend this to everyone who comes from a family with this dynamic. Lots of Love!
Something interesting to consider might be that everyone is the victim here. The parents learned or got treated like that from their surroundings or parents after all.
Victim or victor of trauma.
Yesterday, I was so distraught, such a total mess and begging the universe to show me what to do and of course you post the exact thing that I needed to hear. I must admit, it's pretty horrifying to realize that my emotional instincts lead me to create for myself victim/villain scenarios in my life (over and over again!) but once I realized it I felt empowered for the first time since I can remember. Thank you Teal, this information changed my life; bless you.
Sometimes I come across comments like this and I wonder how people like you are doing, years after profound realizations. I hope you are well ❤️
If I was a teacher I would make all my students take Teal classes once a week
Awesome video. I found myself wanting and needing a savior in relationships simply because I had no idea how to meet my own needs. I'd been the rescuer for others yet did not know or want to ask for what I needed I was never taught how. I only knew how to make others feel great. As I got older playing the victim (especially if I was wronged in some way or wanted to make someone else responsible) helped to meet those needs. The beauty of the universe is that it kept putting people in my life to show me WHY I need to become aware of what I was doing. It wasn't until I was with someone who really no intentions for good that to one stop trying to make him, two cease looking outside of myself for happiness and three acknowledge the times I was a victim. I had to stop trying to be so "strong" and then punishing others for it when I was creating the dysfunction in my adult life. Acknowledging it allowed to me ask myself why I began doing it. I then was able to start giving myself what I needed and then releasing those who I knew did not have my best interests at heart. Its the most empowering and authentic thing I've been able to do. Learning to simply be and stop expecting others to provide me with something I wasn't willing to give myself. What I was resisting was persisting until I accepted where I was.
So beautifully and succintly expressed. I learnt so much from your comment. Hope you are doing well. This sounds like codependency and you have came out the other end with flying colours. I can identify with you here.
What a lucky person i am, finding this video. Thank you so much for all the work you put in it. Just got out of an intense relationship. Found my self often in situations where i was convinced at first that i did nothing wrong but after talking to my partner, i felt like the most slefish and carless human beeing there is on the earth. I felt guilty and responsible for the other part, especially because they had a chronic desease (CFS) and they urged me to do everything they can not do. I often felt like there was something off. That it can not be that i feel like i did nothing really wrong and afterwards i would end up begging for forgivnes and feeling like the most horrible person on earth. Watching this video makes me feel less insane :D thank you again, very much. Greetings from spain.
What has made you leave the relationship? My mom is stuck with a guy like that and it breaks my heart. She’s not the same person anymore.
What took the wool off your eyes and helped you see this dynamic and made it so you didn’t fell for it anymore?😊
Great video Teal. I have been scapegoated like this all my life, but increasingly the last few years. I have both my mother and my sister accusing me for their unhappiness. Besides my wife, i am the only one who really sees what is going on. It has now come to a point where my entire family is against me for things that has nothing to do with reality. There are so many lies and assumption about me that i'm close to loosing my entire family. I feel like my only way out of this madness is by pulling the plug on my family and starting on a fresh without them.
I hope you are feeling more free from their behaviours 💜
ruclips.net/video/pY04M9tNEq0/видео.html
Very similar situation here. I decided to expose My Sister who was the false víctim to my entire family and I believe it created some doubts about the whole situation. Maybe they still believe her that i'm a villain but i'm positive theyll finally see her true colors
Experience has taught me that it’s much easier preventing an enemy from posting themselves than it is to dislodge them after they have gotten possession of their prey. Experience has also taught me that I cannot be happy with a person who acts foolish, and is not forthright with who they really are. Hurt people, hurt people, and I know they are in pain. I feel their pain! We all need to be honest with ourselves and exact it from others. I’m going to stay out of their affairs where my own aren’t involved. 99% of failures come from people who make excuses. Thank you for your guidance and wisdom. Love and light to all of you🙏
Perfect timing Teal. This is helping me understand a situation that I was going through. I'm really learning to accept the feeling of shame and not give it so much power.
Great insight but also makes for another great coping mechnism, and for a funny ring-around-the-rosy blaming game. "I'm good and you're just painting me as the perpetrator. Therefore i'm the real victim".
This can be really confusing to say the least. Sometimes I get lost in who was who! I’m pretty sure he’s the abuser though and he really would set it up for my reactions to validate the stories of craziness and blame on me. This deep level of manipulation is so harmful.
This is so incredibly eye opening for me teal. I feel as though I have been doing this to people I care about and haven’t even realized it.
My biological younger sister is EXACTLY like what you described. She would instigate fights/drama with me, then complain to my mother when I'd fight back & she'd play the victim. My mother NEVER believed me when I tried to tell her what her youngest child would do. Even to this day my mother's other child still plays the victim, she bad mouth's me every chance she gets & does her best to convince people that I am a "horrible" person. Anytime I stand up for myself, I get painted out to be the "bad guy"..... my mother is the same way, she plays the victim REALLY well. I was gaslighted through out my child hood. I got the brunt of the abuse in my family, but I was gaslit & told I was the "abuser", "drama queen", & "bad guy". I spent my entire childhood being scaegoated.
Most knowledgeable & eloquent lesson ever! A must see for many ppl struggling with figuring out some people’s highly dramatic social dynamics. Thank you teal swan.
What clear, meaningful and vitally practical genuine communications! Thank you Teal!
Every video you make is a revelation. It is so dense, one must watch many times to get all the aspects of it. You put the words in my thoughts. I can‘t imagine the energy, discipline and research it takes to reach to that level of realization. My conclusion in my journey, after years of therapy and self work is that the most important step for anyone to solve her/his issues is to really see themselves, admit their shadows, accept it and try to solve them. Otherwise they will always feel the victim. We must understand that we are the victim and the villain simultaneously, so we must first separate in us these two sides and work with them separately. For all its worth you are a bomb of knowledge in the conscious mind, thank you
You are amazing in your ability to teach. You break down everything so beautifully. Thank you!
gosh, this video opened my eyes on SO MANY levels!
and what is also interesting is that I had this kind of relationships with a girl who would ALWAYS paint me as the bad again whenever I tried to explain my feelings and express that she has done smth that hurt me. She would immediatelly tell me how she has suffered from my behavior and how I am so blind to my own actions, it was always so dramatic but! I did not get angry, instead I believed her and felt guilty and so so confused, like I did smth wrong but I couldn't understand what and I always put her feelings above mine bc I idolized her A LOT.
also, basically all the problems in the world are rooted in low self esteem lol
Hello Teal, I am from Brasil and I think I just spent at least two hours watching this video, I would listen to something that related to my situation, stop to ponder on that, write it down and work on them with the EFT technique ... That's so amazing how all of a sudden everything started to make sense. Since I was a child I always felt that it was my duty to be nice and understand my mom as my father passed way living her with 4 children, I was 7 and Started to feel like I did have to '' rescue her'' after while despite off all my efforts it was never enough and she would never acknowledge that... long story short, it set a pattern for the rest of my life with my '' best friends'' relationships and so on... now I am becoming 33 and just recently I broke up with my Boyfriend and it was one of the most painful things that happened in a long time... decided to let go of him I met someone that was just like him amazing at the beginning to just show exactly the same traits of all the relationships I had... so that's when I realized that something was really wrong and like a '' miracle'' I came to find the Dolores Cannon books, which I read '' The convoluted universe 1 and 2 '' and also your content started to appear in my life... everything has changed since then, I am feeling a lot lighter and I am giving myself time to heal, and I am pretty much-starting everything over again. I still don't know exactly what a healthy relationship looks like but I am cleansing myself and opening for the new that is to come. Thank you for everything you do.
You just described and explained my entire childhood, and all my interactions with relationships with others. I knew I was doing something bad, but I wasn't entirely aware of what I was doing nor why I was doing it. Thank you so much for making this video.
Thank you thank you thank you!! Can you do a video about feeling ashamed of your needs and how to overcome that? You are incredible beyond words! Never let others ignorance stop you from sharing the amazing insight you have to offer! There will always be people who can see and appreciate how gifted you are!! I'm so grateful I discovered your channel!
My first time catching one of your videos on the same day posted...I appreciate how your work is trickling into my life lately. Thank you Teal.
this was extremely helpful and validating for me, thank you Teal. I was the scape goat in my family, I grew up with the feeling that my mother wanted to destroy me but I was the only one that could see it. I have struggled all my life with a severely broken heart and feelings of powerlessness and self hated that I couldn't make sense of. your teachings have brought me so much healing and insight, I am a completely different person because of it. thank you!
If you think your the scapegoat you could actually be the victimiser here.. Hope your courageous enough to see this.. In a sense your are powerless over your external circumstance. You may have all these feelings of valuelessness.. anyway. Its not important to use this video as validation that your right and have been vicitimied. Its far more productive to look at your role in propagating that situation.. fair enough your may have been too young back then but your not now and you can forgive the past and move on.. Please remember your external life owes you nothing... You may have been born into a very unfortunate situation.. Its far better to accept that and then decide to do the best you can with what you have.. That Does not mean anything will come to fruition, But you at least have the power to stay focused and appreciate this existence..
Wow, what precise timing for this video Teal. I was just trying to explain this to the members in your FB group yesterday. You addressed every aspect and nailed it brilliantly!!! You are truly helping so many with your wisdom and extremely generous light work. Thank you sweetness! ~♡~ Loved it!
Thank you so much. I needed to hear this. I have been experiencing this recently with a friend, and I recognised this is what they were doing, but to have you confirm it for me has really helped. Namaste.
Outstanding!!!! Thank you for stating this so clearly!!!! 💜
thanks Teal, I so needed to hear this today.
Glad I am re-watching this again, T. As eye-opening, yet familiar it was for me the first time - the effect at the time was a sense of futility to all I was experiencing - a harassment/gang-stalking thing that I was going through. In fact, this video temporarily increased my sense of anxiety and low-level terror. Now, however - there's a much more relaxed understanding about it all - even a sense of levity. "When we start to care about these aspects within us, the war between these aspects will end and they will stop having to externalize in our world as other people." Priceless. Thank you.
Thank you so much for making this video. I believe my mother has been playing this victim role with my dad through out our lives till my dad passed away 2 years ago. Now she's playing it on me. Due to this, I've had so many panic attacks. The only way that I can heal myself is to have "NO CONTACT" at all with her. Of course, the same with my brother's family since he's been playing the hero role all along.
I'm hoping that I have done the right thing.
Thank you again Teal! Love your videos! 💕💕
Thank you thank you thank you!!! I've just left this type of relationship. Such a mind f***. Trying to figure out how to put it into words and you've nailed it. That they were always one step ahead, strike first. Then when you try and control your reaction then it becomes something else.
Thanks, Teal. Much love~
Thank you so much, Teal! This is the biggest problem that we're having in our society today. Thank you for shedding light on this!🙏🏻❤️
Wow Teal, this video really speaks to me.The part about feeling shame, guilt and feeling like a bad person, responsible for rescuing others, and being unable to sit with that. Holy mackeral, I need to sit with that! Thank you so, so, sooo much I absolutely love your videos. Think I will get around to doing the completion process. I woke up this morning after thinking about something you said in another video, about not trying to heal but trying to integrate (thus heal) it was about self ACCEPTANCE and all the while I have been self rejecting. Made so much sense. Learning more than ever. Really appreciate your gifts. Thanks for sharing them with us, they are super helpful to many of us I'm sure. I have nothing but love for you
Thank you for the awareness!! I’m still learning and applying these gems into my life at 32 and taking responsibility for my own self and not use my past as an excuse to play small and be a victim in my relationships. I deserve to own my power and the people in my life don’t deserve to be cast in those roles so that I can feel better. I appreciate you always sharing these wisdoms. All I have power over is myself and that is powerful.
I see myself in both ends, is that possible?
Maria XO absolutely I do too. I think it's interchangeable
Maria XO, Yes. One can feel needy, and be subconsciously moved to criticize others, as well as attract a person who would exploit their subconscious feeling.
yep.. me too.. for some reason i found it easier to accept that I needed that validation hearing this now ,, and it feels like that all disapears now.. it may not be necessary to focus on the other person just yet.. just focus on this in regards to yourself.. be brave enough to admit this side of you to yourself. when you look back far enough youll realise it started in a situation you had no ability to handle relevantly and youve been bandaiding it ever since.. once you identify that intial cause.. you cant justify any post activity but you can accept you fucked up and be honest with it and just learn to accept you stuffed up.. youll have to live with the uncomfortable feeling forever that you did some irreparable damage in the past but, at least take head that you can get on with not damaging any more and maybe even healing and growing a bit... this should NEVER be a way of looking for a way to justify our past crappy actions. no point running from crappy feelings, that just gets us into more trouble.. let the crappy feeling be, LOL, and just never let it get any bigger.. :)
willyouwright thank you :)
Maria XO me too. Makes me wonder what's real
So so fascinating!! You are such a great soul Teal!! Thank you so much and all the best!
This video is about my mom, and is one I've been looking for for so long to validate my troubles here. Thank you so much
Have you ever seen both partners in competition for the victim role?
Sounds very scary!
Me and my ex fiancé. Luckily we have parted ways and have learnt so much about my shadow self since then. The mental games and hoops were endless and exhausting.
In my family in some kind of twisted form - my two grandmothers had something akin to a competition "who suffered the most during war?" going on... very strange to watch...
Yes I am in a situation where this one played out and I’m very confused.
YES TEAL YES! ! THANK YOU SISTER! ! SPOT ON! !
I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT! GREAT VIDEO! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!
Thank you for speaking so much truth! You helped me realize that I was saving my ex right from the start bc I saw him at a disadvantage and wanted to help. Everything else you shared resonated with how he continues to play the victim role. I’m recognizing my patterns of always wanting to save people as well. All in all, great insight! Thank you my dear 🙏🏽💗
She's talking about triangulation. Very well explained. Narcissists love this game.
my mom used to do this to me.
thank you, I really needed to hear this.
Thank you again for sharing this Teal!
Great video, very poignant in regard to family scapegoating dynamic. I beg to differ about the oversimplification of domestic violence scenarios in adulthood, sometimes people can't leave. Chances of violence increase 3x when the abused partner leaves. I felt the need to clarify this. Your videos are always very helpful. Thank you.
Yes, I loved this entire video so much, except for that part! In my case, he was extremely controlling and controlled all of the $, as well as mostly everything else about our life together. It took me years of getting help for my own healing and for building up my strength enough in order to leave him!
Victim role is a programming that needs to be outgrown. Victim mentality is an escape to deal with our own negative emotions thus blaming others feels better than taking ownership of our own circumstances.
This applies to whole groups and communities.
Thank you very much for this video. It helped me a lot understanding my current situation and dealing with it.
Lots of love
Thank you, Teal. Thank you so much for your strenght , your caring and sharing.
I have a co-worker that yells and screams and complains all the time. She expect everything to go her way and when she gets that attention she's okay for a tiny bit.
Then she goes off, turn to a new rant. People just pacifier and move around other people so she's not mad. But that's putting a wet Band-Aid on the problem.
things make sense now wow
The timing of this could not be more perfect. Thank you, Teal.
Teal does it again! Outstanding perspective you offer. Much appreciated!
Ah, the Italian soccer players! Yeah. Taking people out and then throwing themselves down on the field and 'writhing in pain.'
Kathryn Davison lmao
"Italian"? From which mythical country do come soccer players that don't do that?
touche, Wanda.....but i have an Italian pal and we laughed together at the theatrics so....my slant.
Go Zizu!
But Neymar is champion at this right now
I love, love, love
The amount of times I have fallen for this dynamic is crazy. Thanks Teal!
This is the best!!!! I realized 5 years ago I had a really bad victim mentality problem. It was the hardest thing to admit but ultimately the best thing that's happened to me. Now- if I catch myself feeling/acting like a victim it immediately changes my state for the better. I get my power back
Do sociopaths tend to go for people that victimize themselves? I met someone who plays the victim but attracts sociopaths and this confused me.
Holy canole this is my life
Im racing through here advising everyone to use this on themselves only.. if you feel the urge to goto your partner or point this at someone else.. please dont.. Its super important to fix this inside of you.. You have the power to change this from both directions.. if your the vicitim you can just walk away.. be quiet, dont do anything publicly and reflect on your own needs and past events to get that all sorted.. if your the victimiser. well its pretty clear if you can admit that here and now your 3/4 fixed.. good luck. :)
I don't think a victimizer would ever admit that, that would be quite a different and better world we'd live in! I admit I've made mistakes, but I try my best not to stifle others in any way.
We admit shitty stuff we do all the time actually.. its just we try and sweep it away or quickly justify why we did.. because there is some judgement about it that we wish to distance ourselves from ... We all like to think we are goodies.. However, there really is no need to judge good or bad.. it just is..... no judement required.. I don't think the world would be any better,, it would just be different, the world is perfect the way it is right now.. It would just be different.. :) not really mistakes, just learning about this place .. there's not any real universal rules and things change so much that we are inevitably going to learn ... :)We are apart of everyone else and everything, we can choose to stifle or flow with things, not right or wrong, you can stifle if ya want, it all just works and in some cases necessary in the big picture..I mean if we all lived correctly and perfectly, we would disappear into a heaven like nirvana.. im not sure that would be that interesting or fun to explore..sort of highlights that we can be annoyed by this life or constantly in a state of wonder.. its just a matter of choice..Thanks for stimulating this in me :) xx
Heck yeah I dig it. I just thought that exact thing earlier, bc someone said that they were "in the wrong" and I was like, why? I think we all just react the best way we know how at the time, to whatever. All just doing our dang best.Proud of everyone lol.
OMG preaching! Thank you for sharing
You just changed my life with this video. I feel that’s what my little brother has been doing for years and it literally has destroyed my life so far. I’m so happy now as I can see exactly what you’re saying. Thank you teal thank you thank you thank you
Wow I just realized that I always did this to my older sister.. Because I felt powerless against her
Now I feel a little guilty for her mental health issues :/
Courageous to share this ❤
Then make amends. Feeling a little bad is not enough to make amends, but it’s enough to make you feel like a good person. Take responsibility for the harm caused. It’s empowering.
"What do you when this situation plays out in adulthood? " You get Karen's calling the police when they were in the wrong
exactly, that's a great example.
Powerful and amazing. Thank you so much.
Thank you Teal. This is my first ever comment but I've learned so very much watching your videos. This video so clearly describes the pattern I've been stuck in with my ex wife and others (albeit to a less dysfunctional, acute, and toxic degree). So I just had to express my sincere gratitude. Interestingly, I only originally watched this video to show a male friend who I was looking to help. This video helped me realize several things: a) my own pattern, need and tendency of being the rescuer (to my friend in this case but also generally; and b) my avoidance and struggle with shame/weakness to accept that I've been and continue to be victimized by my ex. Further, I also see within myself a general lack of internal integration between the trinity of my Hero, Victim, and Villain aspects.
Im quite certain my ex is a narcissistic sociopath. I don't say that lightly, nor with any malicious intent, nor to relegate her to a label or title. Im simply describing a pattern of many behaviors consistent with those attributes associated with the disorder. I was awarded 50/50 custody of our children (6 and 8). I'm now beginning to see my kids become aware of my wife's gaslighting, dishonesty and scapegoat treatment and I'm not sure what to do. I've personally accepted being the scapegoat, and allowing her to be the victim amid her countless self inflicted wounds, blatant and covert lies, and alienation from formally shared social circles. But I can't allow the pattern to be extended to my my kids. We've been separated for two years and divorced for 8 months- she insisted on going to trial, didn't get what she wanted (which was for me to lose everything/have nothing) and now she is appealing every aspect of the divorce judgment using her enabling parent's supply of financial resources and sympathy.
I just want peace and harmonious coexistence, but this video has helped put into words why she is so adverse to fostering any semblance of peace. She needs me to be the bad guy to feel good. My hope is to use the teaching and suggestions herein to break my own role of codependency and strengthen emotional weak spots to best help my kids do the same as they go through it. Thanks again.
Awesome video, Teal! I wonder if this is the heart of borderline personality disorder? The people I've known with bpd have this ability to hurt others yet always act like the victim and expect caretaking. Again, such a timely video for me 🙌🏻 love it
Don't generalize. It hurts when you do that.
I had a relationship with someone doing this to me a whole lot because I was unable to deal with shame from early on in childhood. Was the most intense thing I've ever been through. it sucks even more because at some points there was just mutual confused blame. Really helpful vid :D Wish I'd known earlier
Thank you Teal for taking from your time to give your contribution to help. Honestly speaking I didn't hear more profound insights as yours into the topics you are talking about from most in my professional niche
Wow. Excellent video, thank you so much for the clarity
Keep going :)
why ppl can't stop this type of thing? why does it take over? can the abuser learn to stop for good?! what if being honest about the situation could get you in a lot of trouble? is it just better to remove yourself from it? this is so helpful I love you Teal!! I just want to say that I'm in this kind of situation and as the abuser I'm really trying to stop but it's a very difficult and it takes over my subconscious like you're saying I don't really know what to do half of the time. the craziest part is that I feel like a good person deep inside I really truly feel like I'm good but my actions prove otherwise. I'm concerned for myself and others around me 😳 this has got to stop. Can ANYONE relate?! *me being a false victim* ... *sigh*
willyouwright thank you I totally understand all that. But in the moment when you get upset you're not thinking about that and you let your emotions take over my question is how do I ground who I really want to be into who I am now. I'm feeling a little stuck in these old patterns in these old habits when I know the direction I need to move in relies on me to let go of them
It's probably to do with childhood dramas or the environment you grew up in ,...observe yourself, thoughts, feelings, and behaviour, write them down... Spot a pattern(negavite) , accept your shadow self, but don't identify your self with it any more, make a list of what you want, if don't know, write what you don't want and look for the opposit. always remember to feel free,and others are free too, nobody have the ability to control someone unless they give the permission to do so, that you deserve to be happy and have what you want without struggle...conflicts are bad, meet your needs without harming others,and that's how things should be, remember you have a choice in any given situation,... Means you are responsible for everything happening in you life, believe in karma, so do good, and master to listen to your heart ( intuition). All the best 🙏💚💯😊
3rd video in a row i watch and i can't tell you how clearly i see as a result. thank you
OMG! i just had a breakthrough of understanding my childhood and my relationship with my sister.... Im so thankful for Teal
Teal, NEVER, EVER, EVER let the naysayers make you doubt! You are the absolute best and a gift to humanity. Thank you for all you've been through and for using that pain for humanity's good. And thank you for yielding to the gifts. You are God's channel like no one else I've ever heard.
The tragic twist: Covid healed a lot of relationships
You explain this so clearly. Thank you!
Wow! I am so grateful that you articulated the problem so well