Had an argument with my wife so it led me to this.and now scaring the hell out of me. I love my wife and the argument is simply because i missed Empathy. Instead of providing empathy i was giving solutions right away that made her feel alone. So thanks for this. I hope she be patient with me learning this
What should be taught is to have the right amount of empathy. You can have too little and have too much. It's why temperance is a virtue. If you have too little you can't understand other people's perspectives. If you have too much you are allowing yourself to be used by narcissists and psychopaths. When you constantly put others ahead of yourself, which is what too much empathy leads to you, you forget to love yourself. If you don't love yourself. No one else will. Everything must be balanced. Empathy can be beautiful and destructive. It's not only good. The amount matters. Too much empathy also leads to enabling.
You can't learn how to be nice, they said. Sure you can! I'm honestly surprised how this isn't taught in school. This is such an important aspect in relationships and your video helped me understand so much. I used to force solutions onto others, not realizing its not about giving solutions. It's about being there and understanding the other person, thank you so much for releasing this content for free 💙🙏🏼
Me too - when I learned these skills at over 20 years old I thought, “Why is this the first time I'm hearing about this?” I'm glad my content is helpful to you! Exactly, first and foremost people need someone to be there and understand and see them 💗 Solutions come second.
Thank you so much for this video. Thinking back on things ive done in the past and things i still continue to do has made me realise ive not been the most empathetic, and overall not been a good person to others. This has led me to feel a lot of guilt and shame, and almost helpless fearing that im this terrible irredeemable person who deserves bad things to happen to them. I have tried to work on myself a lot, but sometimes find myself slipping back into my old ways of viewing and doing things. Seeing that many other people are dealing with the same thing makes me feel less alone❤
There is an active skill that ties several of these together: imagination. Imagining yourself in someone else's shoes is the foundation of empathy. You can't feel what another person feels. But you can imagine how you would feel in the same situation. By the imaginative act, you get a better understanding and can conjure in yourself a feeling that is closer to (even if not exactly) how they feel. All the video mentions - listening, asking for elaboration, paraphrasing, verbalizing, etc. - are absolutely critical, all of them are elements needed to inform and construct imagination. Think of imagination as the recipe the brings these ingredients together and helps you makes sense of the other person's experience. Without imagination, you just have a pile of ingredients that you may not know what to do with.
My guru taught..."Truth is the gateway to love..." Seek truth... and you will find love... "You can't give away something you don't have..." Wayne Dyer 😍😍
I haven’t finished the video as it is just starting but. I am 15 years old and I struggle and think that I don’t care about anything and or anyone. I hope this helps.
Great listen! I am currently about to start my clinical to become a certified addiction counselor and I am absolutely going to use these skills. Thank you for making a great educational and understandable video!
I'm glad this video was helpful! And yes, these skills are super effective in counseling! All the best for your training. This world needs good addiction counselors 💖💪
I'm a more apathetic person cause of bad experiences so this will bring me back in the good old days when I was close hopefully with people. I'll try to use these steps. Great video!
That’s great you’re aware of this and that you’re working on getting back into close connection. It makes us vulnerable, but life isn’t the same without it ❤️
thank you for this! i'm on autistic spectrum so i'm not the most empathetic person in the world and this helped me with understanding it all! really, big thanks!
This was really helpful to me I’m a naturally selfish person and I want to be a better friend to people and create genuine connections with friends rather than superficial ones so I’m hoping these tips can help me thank you so much 💙🙏🏼
I am also very self absorbed, it’s hard for me to put myself in the shoes of others and would often times only try to relate to people through my own experiences. I’ve realized in the last few years that it gets old quickly and people want what they’re saying to be addressed. What I’ve learned in therapy is that all change is based in self realization and reflection. The fact you’ve become aware of your inclination to selfishness is more than most people will ever realize in the entire lives. You’re on the right path and people like us are healing together 🫶
Dear Dr. Steinborn, Thanks a lot for making this video. You answered my question of what should I actually DO to be more empathetic? Your advice is very intuitive and practicable on a daily basis. Thank you once again. Regards, Ashish India
Thank you for letting me know, Ashish! I‘m glad you got sth. from this video and that you‘re finding my content practical - that‘s exactly what I‘m aiming for! 🙏🏻🌸☀️
Maika, I am completing my Mdiv with a concentration in Spiritual Direction. This short video is one of the best I have seen regarding empathy and listening. Thank you.
Thank you very much... your systematic ideas inspire me in preparing a ppt for a catholic high school student in Purwokerto, Indonesia, on emphatic personality in next December. Thank you very much 👍👍🙏
Sadly we live in a world where most think they are the centre of the universe and have forgotten to listen to others. Hope people become more empathetic and half the world problems will be solved
I was told today that i lack empathy and took a free online test that seemingly confirms this. As i know i genuinely care about the people around me, i can only assume the lack of empathy may be a part of my autism, given that it is a social disorder. I want the tools to show those i love that i care so that i don't accidentally cause further harm to my relationships
...you make it sound like there is a formula for empathy but in my opinion it is fundamentally based on and naturally evolves from a genuine interest in and love for someone. People can fake empathy and it's the worst kind of empathy. People can pretend that they care and it's the worst kind of caring. The energy you emit when your interest in someone's wellbeing is genuine is far more powerful in my opinion because it is based on real intimacy and only real intimacy can create trust.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this and adding them to this discussion! I fully agree with what you wrote - that empathy needs to come from a place of *genuine* care and love. In a sense yeah, someone could use these tools even if they don‘t care and it won‘t have the same effect, or someone may even use these tools to manipulate. The intention is what makes the difference. It was important to me to share these tools since sometimes it can be difficult to really express our genuine interest, care and love. I see people that genuinely care but have difficulties getting that across all the time. This video is for them, to fine-tune their relationship skills so they can experience deeper connections in their lives. ✨💞
I respect your opinion, but in my case I wasn't programmed in my childhood to feel empathy. I had to learn and fake it at the start of my self discovery journey. It's a skill , and no one on the human history has born knowing how to do something. We all learn and are programed by our parents teachers family friends and experiences. So I would say that your comment is false and you just lack empathy with the humans that didn't have a proper childhood and nice experiences. Be more empathic, we all just are trying to learn how to live and be happy
Unfortunately some of us were raised in a environment where we didn’t have empathetic parents. For me, I was conflicted. Yes I cared and wanted to be there for people naturally but I wouldn’t trust it. It was a complex. I’ve had to remind myself how to not feel so threatened by intimacy. I was never taught how to respond to people. I would get uncomfortable when someone I care about has someone die. I never knew what to say. It gave me anxiety. I never knew how to prepare. But it was other people who have taught me what the power of vulnerability and just listening. So I appreciate anyone who can explain this. It is such a complex topic to explain.
Asi, you make a good point in that of the listener is not authentic then this whole process can feel false and manipulative. My view is that in life how we react through control of our emotions is crucial to how we live our lives. Most learning is transactional and left brain focused. Emotions are right brained and largely intuitive. Harder to teach but I feel the lessons on this have been so well presented in this clip
Yes! Sometimes we think empathy is about being able to correctly read minds, when actually it is about being present to someone else's experience, gain understanding and communicating that we understand them.
You seem to be genuinely concerned for educating people and help them live a peaceful living without issues. Mastering empathy is a must for a happy life and can open a road to a meaningful relationships and life itself. I came out from major mental illnesses and am sure increased empathy will help me express emotions appropriately, reach my social goal to become closer to my family members and help others. Lord Buddha too educated empathy to be on top priority and then one can generate compassion and kindness for world peace.
Yes, I do want to bring this helpful and relevant knowledge to people in a way they can relate to 🌷 Welcome to the channel and all the best on your further journey! Empathy is key 💯
I am a sociopath. I don't understand why people want to be as far away from be as possible, I only know they do. I don't understand why people hate me so much. I just don't understand. Why do people hate me for something that I never chose to be nor I can change? So unfair. I never even had a chance at life from the start.
Glad you found this helpful! Yes, empathy is about understanding someone’s experience and communicating that understanding back to them - a skill we can learn with these techniques!
Glad you find the formula helpful! Empathy really is easy, if we invest the effort to create room for it. And thank you ☺️🙏🏻 I‘ve always loved Winona Ryder ☺️
@@DrMaikaSteinborn i've been having troubles with my partner and i always start talking over them and i want to learn how to listen and give advice im so bad at advice😰
I'm sorry you've been having troubles with your partner. Practicing empathy skills is a great place to start working on a relationship. Often all people want and need is someone who will listen with their full attention and understand. Communicating back that you understand is often a lot more helpful and wanted than the best advice you could think of! 🌞🌷 (And if you'd like to learn more, this video might be interesting for you: How Couples Manage To Stay Together (Happily) I 7 Principles John Gottman ruclips.net/video/CO34-zPKUhw/видео.html
This is interesting. I feel like I have to listen alot and I am trying to have selective hearing due to having boundaries. It is good to have a healthy balance in sharing
People never mirror and my experiences with all the empathetic behaviors has been a disappointment. They seem to assume my help and interest is not me but attributed to their uniqueness; they're just a rare human with unforgettable charisma. Im taking an empathy moratorium
I'm sorry to hear you've made these negative experiences when it comes to empathy. I hope you'll keep your eyes open for those people who cross your paths who are genuinely interested in empathy like many the people who watched this video to improve their empathy skills. 💖
This video was very helpful for me, thank you! I think I don't have an empathetic brain but rather a very analytic one, which can definitely kill the empathy sometimes I reckon. Although being analytical does result in empathy sometimes, presumably because analyzing does also grow your understanding, I have a tendency of thinking that I understand things too easily. That can make me very hard to deal with, in a discussion for example. I think often my (pretty strong) opinion overlooks other people's experience, so it was great to see some ways I can consciously think about being empathetic.
Don't forget you can also formulate, 'So you....' questions to fully engage the speaker. Even if your wrong they will correct you, then you can use the techniques described in this video, or formulate another empathetic, 'So you...' question or statement.
I loved your video. You are a true hero(in) of our time. I'm convinced that Empathy can be learnt and taught and would love to teach it in every school and workplace. It will definitely make the world a better place. Also I feel that I use all my senses when im being the most empathetic. You actually focus this video on listening but what do you think about teaching how to use other senses to complement a kind of toolbox?
lol my "closest" empathy is more like "grow up, cant be that bad, dont believe you, youre only thinking about yourself, somethings wrong with you" even if you were about to off yourself. great fun. The "asking for elaboration" is so farfetched in my world I cannot even imagine anyone saying that.
Thanks for sharing this. That sounds like a difficult social world - with little empathy… I think I understand what you’re saying about the farfetchedness. I’ve heard this before. Usually, what I suggest is to try whatever seems like it could work, even if it would be new to the other person. You can also adapt my examples and the way I phrased things to what people in your social circles are more accustomed to, or to what you feel comfortable with saying. All the best!
Excellent video. Thank you! When one is listening to another with an openness to learn, how do you recommend dealing with a situation when the person speaking states a value or opinion that goes against the listener's values or boundaries? This conflict may cause the listener to feel anxiety and distress by the clash of values or opinions. Thanks!
I'm glad you liked the video and great point - yes, it's likely that hearing an opinion that is very different from one's own will lead to inner tension and/or anxiety. What's important in such a situation is to first learn ways of regulating one's own emotions without needing a specific response from the other person (like "I need you to change your opinion, otherwise I can't be at peace myself."). As long as we need the other person to respond in a very specific way, we'll be too dependent on them and more or less consciously, we'll end up putting too much pressure on them and the exchange. Also, others will be less likely to honestly reflect their viewpoint, if they can't do it just for the sake of it - if your emotion regualtion is attached to them reflecting, they'll shut down ("Why should I reflect my viewpoint, just so you can calm down?") To regulate your emotions, I suggest to learn defusion techniques like imagining your tension and anxiety to be a leaf on a stream that's flowing through your body: you're observing it, but you're not identified with it; and you're allowing it to move on. You can also use other imagery like imagining you are both in your own seethrough bubble and reminding yourself that you're not responsible for what's going on in their bubble and that they have a right to their own opinion, and that their opinion probably formed in very specific circumstances that you could most likely understand, if you knew all the details. Start out with noticing and labeling the feeling ("anxiety"), then use imagery of it moving away from you. You could also visualize the other person's opinion with some shape and form and move it away from you, outside of your body, and place it back with them... If your emotions are very intense, I recommend also doing grounding physical exercises like taking abdombinal breaths or perhaps pausing the interaction for a couple of minutes. What's important is that your emotions can calm down, before you keep interacting. When we are flooded by emotions, our prefrontal cortex is hard to access - that's the region in our brain we need to think straight and come up with good solutions. Once you are regulated yourself, you can go on to take action in the interaction with the other person. What this will be specifically, depends on the situation. You may want to say something like, "I see that very differently. Let's agree to disagree." or "I've got a very different view on this, would you like to hear what I think?" or "What you're suggesting crosses my boundaries, I can't go along with this." or "No, I don't want to do this." or "I won't be a part of this under these circumstances, but I can imagine getting involved, if ..." or "If you're going to do X, I will do Y." (Like, "If you're going to keep shouting, I will leave the room.") or "Let's talk about something else, this topic is very important to me, and hearing the way you talk about this upsets me." I hope this was helpful and goes into the direction you were wondering about! All the best!
I can tell that while me and someone that I know have similar past. When I talk about it people don't empathize with me. While with other person thay do.
So personally, I do these things. However, I lack the feeling behind it most of the time. Ever since childhood, to deal with things when things get hard, my brain almost just turns the emotions off. So now, as an adult, my emotions turn off with other ppls issues as well. So while, yes, I practice these, I struggle more with the emotional tie to all of it. A lot of death and sadness has been in my mother in laws life this past year and as much as I've done these things, I'm also the person to ask the hard questions that ppl don't really feel like hearing and such. It makes me come off as rude and detached. I also come off self absorbed bc once the conversation is over, I will find other things to talk about. I do this with my own coping, but not everyone is the same... So while it might help me, it doesn't help everyone.
Thank you for sharing your experience with this with us! I'm sorry to hear about the sadness in your family, that must have been challenging for you and your family. I wish you all the best! It can be very helpful in some situations to be able to keep some distance to one's thoughts and emotions. At the same time, we also need emotions, especially when it comes to empathy. Empathy requires the courage to be comfortable with unpleasant emotions.
@@DrMaikaSteinborn I understand that, but I struggle to even feel them. If you have a video or make a video on how to genuinely FEEL your emotions or train yourself to, I feel like that would be worth the watch. I struggle to check in with those hard emotions bc my brain literally almost doesn't recognize it. When I have a family member die, my brain almost goes to a place where it's like they never existed. So idk even where to start to get past that.
@@zannabanana3732 I created a new video in which I address how to feel more empathy, ruclips.net/video/V88Ostf3glg/видео.html Hope it helps! This one might also be relevant for you: How To Feel, Sit With & Consult Your Feelings ruclips.net/video/2hCgh0uhzj4/видео.html
Thanks for the video! May I please ask how to proceed when you may not necessarily agree with the point that your partner is making? One part of you wants to be empathetic because it’s important to them and the relationship, but I feel that the less I agree with the point, the more I have to force myself to be empathetic. I’ve tried in the nicest way possible to present my counterpoint but it never goes well. It seems that one either has to be sort of a “yes-man” or be prepared for confrontation. What if I feel my partner is either exaggerating or maybe even mid guided in the way she’s expressing her feelings/opinions etc? Seems like there’s no safe way to discuss or middle ground to achieve.
Hi Joe, That’s a great question! Empathy certainly doesn’t require betraying oneself in the interaction by agreeing to everything someone’s saying. How to proceed in a certain situation when you don’t agree, depends on the specifics of the situation. If the person is crying or really frustrated, for example, that’s not a good time to try and reason with someone, they are emotionally overwhelmed and can’t think straight. But if both partners are relatively calm emotionally, and you want to discuss something, I suggest to start out with lots of questions about the other person’s view point and paraphrase to check if you understand. It may seem counterintuitive, but the more you understand the other person’s perspective, the more likely it becomes you’ll be able to phrase your thoughts in a way that makes sense to them AND the more interested they will be in what you have to say. There’s this saying: “People don’t care what you think, unless they know that you care.” So once you’ve asked a lot of questions and paraphrased to make sure you understood, you could then say something like, “I have some thoughts on this, too, and would really like to share them with you because I think they might be helpful. Would you be interested in/open to that?” Stating your intention (to be helpful for example) is really powerful, it’s a signal that what will follow is not meant to be a threat, but safe support. And if you ask if she’s interested/open to your thoughts, it allows her to check in with herself, feel that interest and give it room, so she’ll be more open to what you say. Also, remember that feelings and emotions are never wrong or misguided. We can’t argue or disagree with feelings, our own or those of other people. Emotions follow our thoughts, and they always follow in a “correct” way, even if the thought itself isn’t helpful. What can be unhelpful or exaggerated is our perspective / interpretation. So, it’s also important, when you want to discuss to find middle ground, not to disagree with feelings, but with interpretations. I hope this helps and lots of success next time!
I was playing video games and there is a quest where i have to pick a choice. The quest is about a kid who wants to repair a broken robot that actually isn't broken, it's just that the robot suddenly has consciousness. The first choice is to wipe out his program so the robot won't be a hassle to the little kid and the community since the story happened in a very dystopian city after war so every robot available should be operational and ready. The second choice is to keep the robot consciousness, the kid wants me to keep the robot that way. Although it will be very hard for the kid to keep maintaining the robot, the kid says "I'm fine. I'll fix him again and again" It took me a while and i finally chose the first option. Then i regret my choice. I dont think that far, the kid is crying with the robot last moment, and the save file cant be reloaded again since this is an online game. And now here I am searching for a way to increase my empathy. It was after that regretful moment i finally saw how the kid saw the robot and how it could actually benefit the kid in the long run. I think another way to be more empathetic is to see ourselves in their condition. Shit I don't know when I'm gonna play that game again...
This is a fantastic resource, thank you! One thing that I struggle with is knowing when empathy is/isn't the appropriate response. There's a time and a place for advice and hard truths and most of the time it's obvious what the recipient needs. But sometimes the line is blurred, especially through text conversations where nuances are lost and reading people becomes significantly harder. I often mistake someone pouring their heart out for just an interesting anecdote. Do you have any advice regarding this?
I'm glad the video was helpful! And for sure, sometimes the lines are blurred and it's hard to tell why someone is sharing something. Sometimes they may not really know themselves. What often works to gain clarity is to ask questions like, “What was that like for you? How do you feel about that now?...” It's likely the response to these questions will contain information about the other person's needs (“It was a new and unusal situation.” vs. “I laughed really hard.” vs. “It was very painful and still is to some degree.”). Another thing that works well is to verbalize your uncertainty about the situation, “I'm not quite sure how you're feeling about this situation and what your needs are when it comes to my response. Would you like to talk it out, or are you looking to brainstorm solutions together or a bit of both, or did you just want to share it and that's it?” Oh and YES - it's so much harder to read people through text, so these kind of questions are even more important to ask. It might be unusal at first to start communicating about our communication in the middle of a conversation, but it's really effective and the stuff great relationships are made of.
What if you do all these steps and say all these things but you still look like you don't give a f***? That's my problem. I have been told that I don't give a f***, and I try to do all these empathy steps, but it comes out unauthentic. But I really want to be empathetic though. Please help me
I'd have to ask more questions to understand why you got this feedback... A very general thought concerning authenticity is to check if your actions align with your words. Also, when you first start applying these steps, it might take a while for them to feel and come across as 100% authentic, that's ok. But - it sounds like there may be more going on, but building only on the information in your question I'm not sure what it is...
Had an argument with my wife so it led me to this.and now scaring the hell out of me. I love my wife and the argument is simply because i missed
Empathy. Instead of providing empathy i was giving solutions right away that made her feel alone. So thanks for this. I hope she be patient with me learning this
If this was taught in every school the world would be a far happier place. Thank you.
💯
Even the teachers are not empathetic... Are they, they take away empathy
truly would be one of the greatest changes to impact us. it doesnt happen by words without action though. lfg
What should be taught is to have the right amount of empathy. You can have too little and have too much. It's why temperance is a virtue. If you have too little you can't understand other people's perspectives. If you have too much you are allowing yourself to be used by narcissists and psychopaths. When you constantly put others ahead of yourself, which is what too much empathy leads to you, you forget to love yourself. If you don't love yourself. No one else will.
Everything must be balanced. Empathy can be beautiful and destructive. It's not only good. The amount matters. Too much empathy also leads to enabling.
💯 Thanks for adding these thoughts!
Empathy adds muscle to the duty of care we owe each other. Thank you.
Yeah, empathy is crucial, if we want to be there for someone. 💞
You can't learn how to be nice, they said. Sure you can! I'm honestly surprised how this isn't taught in school. This is such an important aspect in relationships and your video helped me understand so much. I used to force solutions onto others, not realizing its not about giving solutions. It's about being there and understanding the other person, thank you so much for releasing this content for free 💙🙏🏼
Me too - when I learned these skills at over 20 years old I thought, “Why is this the first time I'm hearing about this?” I'm glad my content is helpful to you! Exactly, first and foremost people need someone to be there and understand and see them 💗 Solutions come second.
Thank you so much for this video. Thinking back on things ive done in the past and things i still continue to do has made me realise ive not been the most empathetic, and overall not been a good person to others. This has led me to feel a lot of guilt and shame, and almost helpless fearing that im this terrible irredeemable person who deserves bad things to happen to them. I have tried to work on myself a lot, but sometimes find myself slipping back into my old ways of viewing and doing things. Seeing that many other people are dealing with the same thing makes me feel less alone❤
“Ready to be surprised”
So beautifully put!
Thank you! Yeah, that attitude makes a lot of difference. 🌱
This is good news! Empathy can be learned!
Yes 🙌🏻 💯
There is an active skill that ties several of these together: imagination. Imagining yourself in someone else's shoes is the foundation of empathy. You can't feel what another person feels. But you can imagine how you would feel in the same situation. By the imaginative act, you get a better understanding and can conjure in yourself a feeling that is closer to (even if not exactly) how they feel. All the video mentions - listening, asking for elaboration, paraphrasing, verbalizing, etc. - are absolutely critical, all of them are elements needed to inform and construct imagination. Think of imagination as the recipe the brings these ingredients together and helps you makes sense of the other person's experience. Without imagination, you just have a pile of ingredients that you may not know what to do with.
This should have 2 billion views.
🤩🙏🏻
Using this as a new social experiment for getting better at empathy instead of just saying "You'll be alright" or "It's nothing big"
My guru taught..."Truth is the gateway to love..." Seek truth... and you will find love... "You can't give away something you don't have..." Wayne Dyer 😍😍
This was awesome and thank you for your time doing this video. After 48 years on this earth I am learning to be empathetic now
It's great you're learning empathy skills! 🎊 I'm glad this was helpful. All the best!
Empathy makes the world a better place for sure! thank you so much.
💯! I‘m glad this resonated with you 🙂
I wish I knew this sooner I would have been more empathetic in my life because I be struggling with this one. Good sign is I wanna be better.
1 Listen
2 Ask for Elaboration
3 Paraphrasing
4 Verbalized
5 Validate
Absolutely in agreement with this should be taught school.
💯
Very informative. The world needs, especially that people are so much stressed
Thank you and I agree 💯!
This was a good reminder. Thanks 👍
A+...a complex topic described in a clear and logical yet heartfelt manner. Good job, Maika.
Thank you ☺️🙏🏻
I haven’t finished the video as it is just starting but. I am 15 years old and I struggle and think that I don’t care about anything and or anyone. I hope this helps.
All the best to you ❣️
Great listen! I am currently about to start my clinical to become a certified addiction counselor and I am absolutely going to use these skills. Thank you for making a great educational and understandable video!
I'm glad this video was helpful! And yes, these skills are super effective in counseling! All the best for your training. This world needs good addiction counselors 💖💪
Excellent! Thank you.
I'm a more apathetic person cause of bad experiences so this will bring me back in the good old days when I was close hopefully with people. I'll try to use these steps. Great video!
That’s great you’re aware of this and that you’re working on getting back into close connection. It makes us vulnerable, but life isn’t the same without it ❤️
Thank you, so very helpful. I haven't been very well skilled with empathy for the ones I care for sincerely. And they deserve sincere deep empathy ❤
Beautiful
thank you for this! i'm on autistic spectrum so i'm not the most empathetic person in the world and this helped me with understanding it all! really, big thanks!
Aw, I‘m glad it helped! All the best 🦋🌷
This was really helpful to me I’m a naturally selfish person and I want to be a better friend to people and create genuine connections with friends rather than superficial ones so I’m hoping these tips can help me thank you so much 💙🙏🏼
I’m glad this was helpful - all the best ❤️🙏🏻
I am also very self absorbed, it’s hard for me to put myself in the shoes of others and would often times only try to relate to people through my own experiences. I’ve realized in the last few years that it gets old quickly and people want what they’re saying to be addressed. What I’ve learned in therapy is that all change is based in self realization and reflection. The fact you’ve become aware of your inclination to selfishness is more than most people will ever realize in the entire lives. You’re on the right path and people like us are healing together 🫶
Blue heart. I'm on to something.
@@Vindex4566what do you mean?
Dear Dr. Steinborn,
Thanks a lot for making this video. You answered my question of what should I actually DO to be more empathetic? Your advice is very intuitive and practicable on a daily basis. Thank you once again.
Regards,
Ashish
India
Thank you for letting me know, Ashish! I‘m glad you got sth. from this video and that you‘re finding my content practical - that‘s exactly what I‘m aiming for! 🙏🏻🌸☀️
Maika, I am completing my Mdiv with a concentration in Spiritual Direction. This short video is one of the best I have seen regarding empathy and listening. Thank you.
Welcome here 🙋♀️ And thank you ☺️🙏🏻 I’m glad this was helpful 🙂
Thanks Bee you changed my point of viewing things with empathy 🎉
I‘m glad you got something from what I shared 🙂🌷
The world is in a such a dark place. We need more of this type of content!
I'm here for it! 💯🌱
Thank you very much... your systematic ideas inspire me in preparing a ppt for a catholic high school student in Purwokerto, Indonesia, on emphatic personality in next December. Thank you very much 👍👍🙏
Aw, that's so great! All the best for your presentation. I'm happy to hear about this :-)
Wow! I'm watching your video for the first time and love the way you explain everything yourself. So good😊
Aw thank you, I‘m glad my videos resonate with you! 🌷
Sadly we live in a world where most think they are the centre of the universe and have forgotten to listen to others. Hope people become more empathetic and half the world problems will be solved
Empathy makes a huge difference 💯
Excellent explanation on empathy and how to properly implement it in a real life situation, thank you so much for this video.
Thanks for the appreciative comment! I'm glad you found the techniques helpful. It's important to me to offer practical tools.
This was a very good lesson on empathy.
Not sure if this is irony or what, im learning empathy to understand my women yet Im so engaged in this video because the speaker is so pretty lol
Thank you and I think it's great you're learning empathy for your woman!
Thank you so much ❤️
Glad you got something from this✨
Hi, thanks this is so helpful for my pastoral type work.
I was told today that i lack empathy and took a free online test that seemingly confirms this. As i know i genuinely care about the people around me, i can only assume the lack of empathy may be a part of my autism, given that it is a social disorder. I want the tools to show those i love that i care so that i don't accidentally cause further harm to my relationships
Wonderful interpretation of empathy, from a fellow empath 🙏😊 thank you for the great video!
Thank you! I‘m glas it resonated with you ☺️
@@DrMaikaSteinborn most definitely 💯 thank you!❤️
...you make it sound like there is a formula for empathy but in my opinion it is fundamentally based on and naturally evolves from a genuine interest in and love for someone. People can fake empathy and it's the worst kind of empathy. People can pretend that they care and it's the worst kind of caring. The energy you emit when your interest in someone's wellbeing is genuine is far more powerful in my opinion because it is based on real intimacy and only real intimacy can create trust.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this and adding them to this discussion! I fully agree with what you wrote - that empathy needs to come from a place of *genuine* care and love. In a sense yeah, someone could use these tools even if they don‘t care and it won‘t have the same effect, or someone may even use these tools to manipulate. The intention is what makes the difference.
It was important to me to share these tools since sometimes it can be difficult to really express our genuine interest, care and love. I see people that genuinely care but have difficulties getting that across all the time. This video is for them, to fine-tune their relationship skills so they can experience deeper connections in their lives. ✨💞
I’m here becuz I don’t know how to be empathetic to begin with and I don’t wanna seem like a cold asshole anymore. I just wanna learn
I respect your opinion, but in my case I wasn't programmed in my childhood to feel empathy. I had to learn and fake it at the start of my self discovery journey.
It's a skill , and no one on the human history has born knowing how to do something. We all learn and are programed by our parents teachers family friends and experiences.
So I would say that your comment is false and you just lack empathy with the humans that didn't have a proper childhood and nice experiences.
Be more empathic, we all just are trying to learn how to live and be happy
Unfortunately some of us were raised in a environment where we didn’t have empathetic parents. For me, I was conflicted. Yes I cared and wanted to be there for people naturally but I wouldn’t trust it. It was a complex. I’ve had to remind myself how to not feel so threatened by intimacy. I was never taught how to respond to people. I would get uncomfortable when someone I care about has someone die.
I never knew what to say. It gave me anxiety. I never knew how to prepare. But it was other people who have taught me what the power of vulnerability and just listening. So I appreciate anyone who can explain this. It is such a complex topic to explain.
Asi, you make a good point in that of the listener is not authentic then this whole process can feel false and manipulative. My view is that in life how we react through control of our emotions is crucial to how we live our lives. Most learning is transactional and left brain focused. Emotions are right brained and largely intuitive. Harder to teach but I feel the lessons on this have been so well presented in this clip
This is a good video. Thank you. 💯
Glad you liked it!
Beautifully explained!
🙏🏻🙋♀️🦋
Sehr wertvoll… Danke Maika für deine Videos 🥰
Freut mich und danke ☺️
Thank you for sharing this in such a thoughtful way!
Glad it was helpful 💗🦜🐬🌼🙂
Thankyou for simplifying. And your formula is easy.
Yes! Sometimes we think empathy is about being able to correctly read minds, when actually it is about being present to someone else's experience, gain understanding and communicating that we understand them.
Thank you so much! Super helpful.
That's great. Thanks!
Hi maika, thankyou so much! You helped me a lot in solving my problems.i wish you a great success...
Thank you! I‘m glad the content here has been helpful to you. All the best to you, too! 🙋🏼♀️
Very nicely explained. I learnt something new. Beautifully narrated by a beautiful woman. 👍❤️
Thank you and I‘m glad it was helpful! 🌸
You seem to be genuinely concerned for educating people and help them live a peaceful living without issues. Mastering empathy is a must for a happy life and can open a road to a meaningful relationships and life itself. I came out from major mental illnesses and am sure increased empathy will help me express emotions appropriately, reach my social goal to become closer to my family members and help others. Lord Buddha too educated empathy to be on top priority and then one can generate compassion and kindness for world peace.
Yes, I do want to bring this helpful and relevant knowledge to people in a way they can relate to 🌷 Welcome to the channel and all the best on your further journey! Empathy is key 💯
I am a sociopath. I don't understand why people want to be as far away from be as possible, I only know they do. I don't understand why people hate me so much. I just don't understand. Why do people hate me for something that I never chose to be nor I can change? So unfair. I never even had a chance at life from the start.
Thanks for this very useful information ❤
Glad it’s helpful!
Thank u, this was very enlightening.
That’s great! I‘m glad it was helpful!
The only concept of empathy that i have is the first part of video where you clear what is not consider empathy.
I think one of the most common misunderstandings is that empathy means being swallowed up by someone else‘s feelings.
Thanks, I got a lot out of this one.
I‘m glad 🙂🌈🐝
Very well said !!1
🙏🏻
Thanks
Loved the fact that we broke empathy emotion into 5 easy tecqchniques. Thank you ❤
Glad you found this helpful! Yes, empathy is about understanding someone’s experience and communicating that understanding back to them - a skill we can learn with these techniques!
Thankyou. Simple formula to use. You remind me of a young Winona Ryder
Glad you find the formula helpful! Empathy really is easy, if we invest the effort to create room for it. And thank you ☺️🙏🏻 I‘ve always loved Winona Ryder ☺️
Thanks for your useful, interesting, video. Your list is the clearest I have seen and heard explained. Best wishes!
Thanks! I’m glad this was helpful and resonated with you!
thnx for sharing this beautiful knowledge with us.
My pleasure, glad you got sth from the video 🌸
i wish i could give you more than just a video like. thank you.
Aw thanks 🫶🏻
@@DrMaikaSteinborn i've been having troubles with my partner and i always start talking over them and i want to learn how to listen and give advice im so bad at advice😰
I'm sorry you've been having troubles with your partner. Practicing empathy skills is a great place to start working on a relationship. Often all people want and need is someone who will listen with their full attention and understand. Communicating back that you understand is often a lot more helpful and wanted than the best advice you could think of! 🌞🌷 (And if you'd like to learn more, this video might be interesting for you: How Couples Manage To Stay Together (Happily) I 7 Principles John Gottman ruclips.net/video/CO34-zPKUhw/видео.html
very helpful. Id like to be more empathetic. Im a doc and empathy is crucial.
That makes sense to me that as a doc you want to be able to express empathy 🫶🏻
Thank you for this video, much appreciated!
☺️🙏🏻☀️🌸
Thank you so much for this! Extremely helpful.
This is interesting. I feel like I have to listen alot and I am trying to have selective hearing due to having boundaries. It is good to have a healthy balance in sharing
Thank u girl i wanna be more empathetic
Very good suggestions, than you. I will try them out.
I wish you lots of success with that!
I hope this video helps, i always feel like i don’t empathize and like i never know the words to say even though i know how they feel
People never mirror and my experiences with all the empathetic behaviors has been a disappointment. They seem to assume my help and interest is not me but attributed to their uniqueness; they're just a rare human with unforgettable charisma.
Im taking an empathy moratorium
I'm sorry to hear you've made these negative experiences when it comes to empathy. I hope you'll keep your eyes open for those people who cross your paths who are genuinely interested in empathy like many the people who watched this video to improve their empathy skills. 💖
So many beautiful souls who lack empathy. We to are human. I love each and every one of you.
Aw thanks 💖
May you remember your magic today!
Putting aside the commentary of your mind🙌🏻
🙌🏻 Yes that chatter can be distracting if we run along with it!
This video was very helpful for me, thank you! I think I don't have an empathetic brain but rather a very analytic one, which can definitely kill the empathy sometimes I reckon. Although being analytical does result in empathy sometimes, presumably because analyzing does also grow your understanding, I have a tendency of thinking that I understand things too easily. That can make me very hard to deal with, in a discussion for example. I think often my (pretty strong) opinion overlooks other people's experience, so it was great to see some ways I can consciously think about being empathetic.
Great, thank you
✨🙏🏻
i looked up how to feel empathy bc i got the news that sombody died and i instinctually reacted with a womp-womp
Don't forget you can also formulate, 'So you....' questions to fully engage the speaker. Even if your wrong they will correct you, then you can use the techniques described in this video, or formulate another empathetic, 'So you...' question or statement.
Thanks for sharing and adding this great tool to the tool kit 🙏🏻✨
I loved your video. You are a true hero(in) of our time. I'm convinced that Empathy can be learnt and taught and would love to teach it in every school and workplace. It will definitely make the world a better place. Also I feel that I use all my senses when im being the most empathetic. You actually focus this video on listening but what do you think about teaching how to use other senses to complement a kind of toolbox?
Aw thank you 🫶🏻 Thats a great idea to include all senses in empathy 👍🏻
Like your smile and way of explaination
Thank you ☺️ and welcome to the channel 🙋♀️
Love 😇
Thank you this was very helpful for me😊
Thank you for the advice
Great video!
Glad you liked it! Empathy is so powerful.
lol my "closest" empathy is more like "grow up, cant be that bad, dont believe you, youre only thinking about yourself, somethings wrong with you" even if you were about to off yourself. great fun.
The "asking for elaboration" is so farfetched in my world I cannot even imagine anyone saying that.
Thanks for sharing this. That sounds like a difficult social world - with little empathy… I think I understand what you’re saying about the farfetchedness. I’ve heard this before. Usually, what I suggest is to try whatever seems like it could work, even if it would be new to the other person. You can also adapt my examples and the way I phrased things to what people in your social circles are more accustomed to, or to what you feel comfortable with saying. All the best!
Excellent video. Thank you! When one is listening to another with an openness to learn, how do you recommend dealing with a situation when the person speaking states a value or opinion that goes against the listener's values or boundaries? This conflict may cause the listener to feel anxiety and distress by the clash of values or opinions. Thanks!
I'm glad you liked the video and great point - yes, it's likely that hearing an opinion that is very different from one's own will lead to inner tension and/or anxiety. What's important in such a situation is to first learn ways of regulating one's own emotions without needing a specific response from the other person (like "I need you to change your opinion, otherwise I can't be at peace myself."). As long as we need the other person to respond in a very specific way, we'll be too dependent on them and more or less consciously, we'll end up putting too much pressure on them and the exchange. Also, others will be less likely to honestly reflect their viewpoint, if they can't do it just for the sake of it - if your emotion regualtion is attached to them reflecting, they'll shut down ("Why should I reflect my viewpoint, just so you can calm down?")
To regulate your emotions, I suggest to learn defusion techniques like imagining your tension and anxiety to be a leaf on a stream that's flowing through your body: you're observing it, but you're not identified with it; and you're allowing it to move on. You can also use other imagery like imagining you are both in your own seethrough bubble and reminding yourself that you're not responsible for what's going on in their bubble and that they have a right to their own opinion, and that their opinion probably formed in very specific circumstances that you could most likely understand, if you knew all the details. Start out with noticing and labeling the feeling ("anxiety"), then use imagery of it moving away from you. You could also visualize the other person's opinion with some shape and form and move it away from you, outside of your body, and place it back with them...
If your emotions are very intense, I recommend also doing grounding physical exercises like taking abdombinal breaths or perhaps pausing the interaction for a couple of minutes. What's important is that your emotions can calm down, before you keep interacting. When we are flooded by emotions, our prefrontal cortex is hard to access - that's the region in our brain we need to think straight and come up with good solutions.
Once you are regulated yourself, you can go on to take action in the interaction with the other person. What this will be specifically, depends on the situation. You may want to say something like, "I see that very differently. Let's agree to disagree." or "I've got a very different view on this, would you like to hear what I think?" or "What you're suggesting crosses my boundaries, I can't go along with this." or "No, I don't want to do this." or "I won't be a part of this under these circumstances, but I can imagine getting involved, if ..." or "If you're going to do X, I will do Y." (Like, "If you're going to keep shouting, I will leave the room.") or "Let's talk about something else, this topic is very important to me, and hearing the way you talk about this upsets me."
I hope this was helpful and goes into the direction you were wondering about! All the best!
nice thoughts
Glad they resonate with you! 🙂
I really operate on this principle- until I was burned by a narcissist
Fantastico!!
Thank you! Glad you thought so. Empathy is such an important topic ✨
I can tell that while me and someone that I know have similar past. When I talk about it people don't empathize with me. While with other person thay do.
So personally, I do these things. However, I lack the feeling behind it most of the time. Ever since childhood, to deal with things when things get hard, my brain almost just turns the emotions off. So now, as an adult, my emotions turn off with other ppls issues as well. So while, yes, I practice these, I struggle more with the emotional tie to all of it.
A lot of death and sadness has been in my mother in laws life this past year and as much as I've done these things, I'm also the person to ask the hard questions that ppl don't really feel like hearing and such. It makes me come off as rude and detached. I also come off self absorbed bc once the conversation is over, I will find other things to talk about. I do this with my own coping, but not everyone is the same... So while it might help me, it doesn't help everyone.
Thank you for sharing your experience with this with us! I'm sorry to hear about the sadness in your family, that must have been challenging for you and your family. I wish you all the best!
It can be very helpful in some situations to be able to keep some distance to one's thoughts and emotions. At the same time, we also need emotions, especially when it comes to empathy. Empathy requires the courage to be comfortable with unpleasant emotions.
@@DrMaikaSteinborn I understand that, but I struggle to even feel them. If you have a video or make a video on how to genuinely FEEL your emotions or train yourself to, I feel like that would be worth the watch. I struggle to check in with those hard emotions bc my brain literally almost doesn't recognize it. When I have a family member die, my brain almost goes to a place where it's like they never existed. So idk even where to start to get past that.
@@zannabanana3732 I created a new video in which I address how to feel more empathy, ruclips.net/video/V88Ostf3glg/видео.html Hope it helps!
This one might also be relevant for you: How To Feel, Sit With & Consult Your Feelings ruclips.net/video/2hCgh0uhzj4/видео.html
Thanks I lack sympathy which I do think is the first step towards empathy and i need friends sooo
All the best! 🌷
Thanks for the video! May I please ask how to proceed when you may not necessarily agree with the point that your partner is making?
One part of you wants to be empathetic because it’s important to them and the relationship, but I feel that the less I agree with the point, the more I have to force myself to be empathetic.
I’ve tried in the nicest way possible to present my counterpoint but it never goes well.
It seems that one either has to be sort of a “yes-man” or be prepared for confrontation.
What if I feel my partner is either exaggerating or maybe even mid guided in the way she’s expressing her feelings/opinions etc? Seems like there’s no safe way to discuss or middle ground to achieve.
Hi Joe, That’s a great question! Empathy certainly doesn’t require betraying oneself in the interaction by agreeing to everything someone’s saying. How to proceed in a certain situation when you don’t agree, depends on the specifics of the situation. If the person is crying or really frustrated, for example, that’s not a good time to try and reason with someone, they are emotionally overwhelmed and can’t think straight. But if both partners are relatively calm emotionally, and you want to discuss something, I suggest to start out with lots of questions about the other person’s view point and paraphrase to check if you understand. It may seem counterintuitive, but the more you understand the other person’s perspective, the more likely it becomes you’ll be able to phrase your thoughts in a way that makes sense to them AND the more interested they will be in what you have to say. There’s this saying: “People don’t care what you think, unless they know that you care.” So once you’ve asked a lot of questions and paraphrased to make sure you understood, you could then say something like, “I have some thoughts on this, too, and would really like to share them with you because I think they might be helpful. Would you be interested in/open to that?” Stating your intention (to be helpful for example) is really powerful, it’s a signal that what will follow is not meant to be a threat, but safe support. And if you ask if she’s interested/open to your thoughts, it allows her to check in with herself, feel that interest and give it room, so she’ll be more open to what you say.
Also, remember that feelings and emotions are never wrong or misguided. We can’t argue or disagree with feelings, our own or those of other people. Emotions follow our thoughts, and they always follow in a “correct” way, even if the thought itself isn’t helpful. What can be unhelpful or exaggerated is our perspective / interpretation. So, it’s also important, when you want to discuss to find middle ground, not to disagree with feelings, but with interpretations. I hope this helps and lots of success next time!
@@DrMaikaSteinborn wow thank you SO much for the amazing reply 🙏
I’ll try that each time moving forward 👍🏼
thanks
🙂🌼
I hate when I here a tragic story but have no empathy, I start to hate myself for it
You can practice feeling more empathy, it's a skill 💗 Please don't hate yourself 💗
I was playing video games and there is a quest where i have to pick a choice. The quest is about a kid who wants to repair a broken robot that actually isn't broken, it's just that the robot suddenly has consciousness.
The first choice is to wipe out his program so the robot won't be a hassle to the little kid and the community since the story happened in a very dystopian city after war so every robot available should be operational and ready. The second choice is to keep the robot consciousness, the kid wants me to keep the robot that way. Although it will be very hard for the kid to keep maintaining the robot, the kid says "I'm fine. I'll fix him again and again"
It took me a while and i finally chose the first option. Then i regret my choice. I dont think that far, the kid is crying with the robot last moment, and the save file cant be reloaded again since this is an online game. And now here I am searching for a way to increase my empathy.
It was after that regretful moment i finally saw how the kid saw the robot and how it could actually benefit the kid in the long run. I think another way to be more empathetic is to see ourselves in their condition. Shit I don't know when I'm gonna play that game again...
What game is that?
@@TerryPlays honkai star rail
@@daffayudono4071 that degen game?? Damn
@@TerryPlays yes fr, that Degen game.
@@daffayudono4071 Im gonna jumpscare you!
Grass
This is a fantastic resource, thank you! One thing that I struggle with is knowing when empathy is/isn't the appropriate response. There's a time and a place for advice and hard truths and most of the time it's obvious what the recipient needs. But sometimes the line is blurred, especially through text conversations where nuances are lost and reading people becomes significantly harder. I often mistake someone pouring their heart out for just an interesting anecdote. Do you have any advice regarding this?
I'm glad the video was helpful! And for sure, sometimes the lines are blurred and it's hard to tell why someone is sharing something. Sometimes they may not really know themselves. What often works to gain clarity is to ask questions like, “What was that like for you? How do you feel about that now?...” It's likely the response to these questions will contain information about the other person's needs (“It was a new and unusal situation.” vs. “I laughed really hard.” vs. “It was very painful and still is to some degree.”).
Another thing that works well is to verbalize your uncertainty about the situation, “I'm not quite sure how you're feeling about this situation and what your needs are when it comes to my response. Would you like to talk it out, or are you looking to brainstorm solutions together or a bit of both, or did you just want to share it and that's it?”
Oh and YES - it's so much harder to read people through text, so these kind of questions are even more important to ask. It might be unusal at first to start communicating about our communication in the middle of a conversation, but it's really effective and the stuff great relationships are made of.
@@DrMaikaSteinborn More communication then, it's no mind reading exercise. Sounds obvious in retrospect :). Thanks for the response.
💯
👍
When people ask me personal questions i feel intruded on.
That’s an interesting observation about yourself, it might be interesting to discover why that is…
Fantastic video. Do you have any good books regarding empathy? Love to develop this more.
Glad you liked the video 🙏🏻🌷I liked „The War for Kindness“ by Jamil Zaki, I also summarized it here ruclips.net/video/l6bNnmD5tEA/видео.html
What if you do all these steps and say all these things but you still look like you don't give a f***? That's my problem. I have been told that I don't give a f***, and I try to do all these empathy steps, but it comes out unauthentic. But I really want to be empathetic though. Please help me
I'd have to ask more questions to understand why you got this feedback... A very general thought concerning authenticity is to check if your actions align with your words. Also, when you first start applying these steps, it might take a while for them to feel and come across as 100% authentic, that's ok. But - it sounds like there may be more going on, but building only on the information in your question I'm not sure what it is...