Oh Nicoleen! I wish I could have you come to my house to help me work with my 12 year old only daughter! Sometimes when I feel upset, it’s so hard to be rational. Is it ok to take time before coming back to deal with the hard stuff? How can we talk about lying when they won’t admit that they do it? Thank you for all your help! I today was able to talk about correction and praise and practice it with my daughter and it helped pull us out of a rut! Grateful for you 🙏😍
Sorry for the super late response! That is a great question! The full response to your question is too long to type up here, but I'd love to learn more about your situation and have the opportunity to answer your question on one of my weekly Support Group calls that happen Wednesday mornings at 8am MST. That way, other people that have similar questions and concerns to yours can hear the answer too! If you’re interested in talking with me more about it, check out the link for more information: teachingselfgovernment.com/store/support-group/ I hope this helps!
At some point early on, it became more important to me to be honest, no matter the cost. This has made it difficult for me to understand and cope with my two out five children who lie - a lot! It has been hard not to take it personally sometimes, even when I know so much of it is about protecting themselves from my over-dramatization or the shame in them that my response has caused. I get to thinking that they do not take their actions seriously enough and so I, admittedly, over-dramatize my response because I want them to know what they did is no small thing. I am practicing not getting over dramatized but it feels so foreign and helpless so, I guess, in a way, my over-dramatization of the situation is just as much an attempt at controlling as the child's lying is their attempt at controlling. I suppose the ultimate trust must be, at least in our case as christians, to rely on the holy spirit to convict them. I do agree so much that the main objective is relationship. Kids do not care what you have to teach them if they don't feel that you care.
I just found out that my 11 year old has a boyfriend..I saw all the messages back and forth even messages in other chats and she denies that it is her...the proof is there but she says it's a friend that is using her discord account....apparently this boyfriend calls the other girl my child's name too... my daughter just won't admit to it and I need help to understand what is going on..please help
I would take away the phone, explaining to your daughter that a phone is a tool that requires responsibility and safety and that you cannot be assured of her safety when this type of behavior is going on. You can let her know you will reconsider access to the phone once she is willing to be honest
Sorry for the super late response! That is a great question! The full response to your question is too long to type up here, but I'd love to learn more about your situation and have the opportunity to answer your question on one of my weekly Support Group calls that happen Wednesday mornings at 8am MST. That way, other people that have similar questions and concerns to yours can hear the answer too! If you’re interested in talking with me more about it, check out the link for more information: teachingselfgovernment.com/store/support-group/ I hope this helps!
Sorry for the late response! Yes, it most definitely will! It's actually best to start as young as possible. My daughter has been using the skills and principles with her own daughter, who is currently almost 2, but started teaching her daughter how to get calm around 4 months old. Young children understand a lot more than we think!
I had a the same question. On one hand it seems when a child receives "no" as an answer (10:55); At 11:25 she explains the 4 steps to teach your child how to accept "no" as an answer: 1. Look at the person 2. Keep calm 3. Say "okay" or disagree appropriately (i.e. not argue back) 4. drop the subject. @ 11:55 I also took it as it's better to plead the 5th than lie. I think that's why she says "I hope you can see how this skill can be very useful for a lot of other circumstances as well"
Do you ever exercise a discipline/punishment when a child lies? It seems reasonable to assume if a child only gets a verbal reprimand when caught in a lie they will continue to use lying as a means to get out of trouble. I know this seems at odds with establishing a connection/relationship/attachment however so what is the solution if they continue to lie about everything?
I think your point, which has validity, needs to be weighed against punishing so harshly that the child dissociates from the act. Getting caught in a lie is embarrassing, and if pushed too far with it they could wind up like I did as a child and learn dissociation as a defense mechanism against the pain and embarrassment. Once that defensive position has been taken there’s no more learning. They know they lied, be sure to give room for them to exist or even want to exist in the swelter of their actions so they can think about it long enough to avoid that problem in the future.
Sorry for the late reply! Yes, I have. If it's a rampant problem, it's totally fine to set a specific negative consequence for lying. Our go-to specific consequence for specific behaviors was 30 minutes of work/chores. Since it's not very fun, lying wasn't a regular occurrence.
Sorry for the super late response! That is a great question! The full response to your question is too long to type up here, but I'd love to learn more about your situation and have the opportunity to answer your question on one of my weekly Support Group calls that happen Wednesday mornings at 8am MST. That way, other people that have similar questions and concerns to yours can hear the answer too! If you’re interested in talking with me more about it, check out the link for more information: teachingselfgovernment.com/store/support-group/ I hope this helps!
I know I agree with the first comment I wish I could’ve had you come to my house to help me learn how to parents because I am emotional about it because I was married to my husband for 30 years we were together for 36 years. my husband passed away in March 2022, but in March 2019 we adopted my goddaughter his biological granddaughter, because the father help me to suicide and mother was on drugs, and so the plan was that department of children and families would place the girl with us, and we would raise her and she did great, I don’t know whether it’s the loss of my husband because she claims that she’s fine or it’s teenage years where she really just doesn’t give a crap but everything is I forgot I don’t know she’s forgetful she lies but yet she can get straight A’s if she really tries if she tries to do too much all at one time she forgets to turn assignments in and then she’ll get an F I’m just off the chart over the top lost. I climbed up the hill with my husband and we were doing great since he passed away. I’ve been sliding down that hill heading for the tree since March 2022 and it’s not getting any easier so I’m doing this Free self government podcast that you have for me and I could use some help about widows, parenting children and trying to juggle and balance house and driving back-and-forth to school for school choice and running a business etc. etc. anyways, this is a story all about me now that I’ve made it that way, but I could really use some advice
That is quite the situation! The full response to your comment is too long to type up here, but I'd love to learn more about your situation and have the opportunity to answer your questions on one of my weekly Support Group calls that happen Wednesday mornings at 8am MST. That way, other people that have similar questions and concerns to yours can hear the answer too! If you’re interested in talking with me more about it, check out the link for more information: teachingselfgovernment.com/store/support-group/ I hope this helps!
My situation is very similar. My husband of 34 yrs passed suddenly in Apr 2022. We have 4 adult children and had adopted 3 young children (2,3,4 at the time) a yr before he passed. I wish we lived near each other to connect. I am in TN and plan to move to AZ this summer.
Sorry for the super late response! That is a great question! The full response to your question is too long to type up here, but I'd love to learn more about your situation and have the opportunity to answer your question on one of my weekly Support Group calls that happen Wednesday mornings at 8am MST. That way, other people that have similar questions and concerns to yours can hear the answer too! If you’re interested in talking with me more about it, check out the link for more information: teachingselfgovernment.com/store/support-group/ I hope this helps!
Sure. I can tell you where it ends up. My girlfriend lied to me and usually I wasn’t able to verify it was a lie so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. We got married and soon I caught her in more lies, cheating and stealing. I divorced her. 20 years later she was on her 5th divorce and she called me up wanting me back. In the course of our conversation I caught her in another lie and I haven’t spoken to her since. If you have a lie to tell that is worth that kind of consequence then go ahead and tell it. If it’s not worth all of your relationships falling apart then don’t.
This is something you have to tell yourself that you're just not going to do. It's a "no" answer that you have to give yourself. This is something I had to do when I was younger. I realized it wasn't helping me in my relationships and I didn't want my friends and family to walk away from me because of the bad habit. Also, since lying is a bad habit, it could be helpful to read "Atomic Habits" by James Clear. He's got some amazing advice for that.
Sorry for the super late response! That is a great question! The full response to your question is too long to type up here, but I'd love to learn more about your situation and have the opportunity to answer your question on one of my weekly Support Group calls that happen Wednesday mornings at 8am MST. That way, other people that have similar questions and concerns to yours can hear the answer too! If you’re interested in talking with me more about it, check out the link for more information: teachingselfgovernment.com/store/support-group/ I hope this helps!
Sorry for the super late response! That is something I explain in my online TSG Parenting Course. I don't do it here because it requires some explanation and pre-teaching. teachingselfgovernment.com/tsg-parenting-course/
Thanks for validating the fact that they will have to be treated as liars even if sometimes it wasnt a lie. Makes me feel validated.
That's just how the trust bridge goes. :)
Oh Nicoleen! I wish I could have you come to my house to help me work with my 12 year old only daughter! Sometimes when I feel upset, it’s so hard to be rational. Is it ok to take time before coming back to deal with the hard stuff? How can we talk about lying when they won’t admit that they do it? Thank you for all your help! I today was able to talk about correction and praise and practice it with my daughter and it helped pull us out of a rut! Grateful for you 🙏😍
Sorry for the super late response! That is a great question! The full response to your question is too long to type up here, but I'd love to learn more about your situation and have the opportunity to answer your question on one of my weekly Support Group calls that happen Wednesday mornings at 8am MST. That way, other people that have similar questions and concerns to yours can hear the answer too!
If you’re interested in talking with me more about it, check out the link for more information:
teachingselfgovernment.com/store/support-group/
I hope this helps!
Omg thats the worst when they continue to lie to your face even when you have hard concrete evidence it makes. You go into unrational mind yourself!!
At some point early on, it became more important to me to be honest, no matter the cost. This has made it difficult for me to understand and cope with my two out five children who lie - a lot! It has been hard not to take it personally sometimes, even when I know so much of it is about protecting themselves from my over-dramatization or the shame in them that my response has caused. I get to thinking that they do not take their actions seriously enough and so I, admittedly, over-dramatize my response because I want them to know what they did is no small thing. I am practicing not getting over dramatized but it feels so foreign and helpless so, I guess, in a way, my over-dramatization of the situation is just as much an attempt at controlling as the child's lying is their attempt at controlling. I suppose the ultimate trust must be, at least in our case as christians, to rely on the holy spirit to convict them. I do agree so much that the main objective is relationship. Kids do not care what you have to teach them if they don't feel that you care.
The gold is at 10:45 in
Love it! Thanks for the time stamp! I'm sure others will appreciate it. :)
Amazing thank youcant watch next videos!!! God bless
I just found out that my 11 year old has a boyfriend..I saw all the messages back and forth even messages in other chats and she denies that it is her...the proof is there but she says it's a friend that is using her discord account....apparently this boyfriend calls the other girl my child's name too... my daughter just won't admit to it and I need help to understand what is going on..please help
Sigh my situation simliar
I would take away the phone, explaining to your daughter that a phone is a tool that requires responsibility and safety and that you cannot be assured of her safety when this type of behavior is going on. You can let her know you will reconsider access to the phone once she is willing to be honest
Same thing! My kid says " my friend is typing all the trash on my snapchat, not me" yea right!!
Beautiful lady, you are truly an angel.😀 Thank you for sharing these videos.
Bless you.❤🙏❤
Sorry for the late response! You're most welcome! God bless you too!
Thank you for helping our family!
Sorry for the late response! You're most welcome!
Excellent
Thank you so much!
Oh my goodness! Thank you so much! This makes so much sense and is very helpful!
Sorry for the super late response! You're most welcome! I'm so glad it was helpful.
Some great questions.. why no answers though?
So sorry! Sometimes the comments get so backed up and it takes me a while to get to everyone.
How help a teenager with alcohol or drug addiction
Sorry for the super late response! That is a great question! The full response to your question is too long to type up here, but I'd love to learn more about your situation and have the opportunity to answer your question on one of my weekly Support Group calls that happen Wednesday mornings at 8am MST. That way, other people that have similar questions and concerns to yours can hear the answer too!
If you’re interested in talking with me more about it, check out the link for more information:
teachingselfgovernment.com/store/support-group/
I hope this helps!
I've watched your videos over the years, and when I watched this one, I noticed you have lost a bit of weight. You always looked great and still do!
Wow, thank you! That's so kind of you to say. Yes, I've lost over 100 pounds in the last year and a half. It's been very freeing!
Will this work for a younger child as well? (7 or 9)
Sorry for the late response! Yes, it most definitely will! It's actually best to start as young as possible. My daughter has been using the skills and principles with her own daughter, who is currently almost 2, but started teaching her daughter how to get calm around 4 months old. Young children understand a lot more than we think!
What is a no answer
I had a the same question. On one hand it seems when a child receives "no" as an answer (10:55); At 11:25 she explains the 4 steps to teach your child how to accept "no" as an answer: 1. Look at the person 2. Keep calm 3. Say "okay" or disagree appropriately (i.e. not argue back) 4. drop the subject.
@ 11:55 I also took it as it's better to plead the 5th than lie. I think that's why she says "I hope you can see how this skill can be very useful for a lot of other circumstances as well"
Love it!
So sorry for the late response! I think this video will help:
ruclips.net/video/-8lp00j2LqA/видео.html&pp=ygUYbmljaG9sZWVuIHBlY2sgbm8gYW5zd2Vy
Do you ever exercise a discipline/punishment when a child lies? It seems reasonable to assume if a child only gets a verbal reprimand when caught in a lie they will continue to use lying as a means to get out of trouble. I know this seems at odds with establishing a connection/relationship/attachment however so what is the solution if they continue to lie about everything?
I think your point, which has validity, needs to be weighed against punishing so harshly that the child dissociates from the act.
Getting caught in a lie is embarrassing, and if pushed too far with it they could wind up like I did as a child and learn dissociation as a defense mechanism against the pain and embarrassment. Once that defensive position has been taken there’s no more learning.
They know they lied, be sure to give room for them to exist or even want to exist in the swelter of their actions so they can think about it long enough to avoid that problem in the future.
Sorry for the late reply! Yes, I have. If it's a rampant problem, it's totally fine to set a specific negative consequence for lying. Our go-to specific consequence for specific behaviors was 30 minutes of work/chores. Since it's not very fun, lying wasn't a regular occurrence.
How help a teenager with bipolar disorder
Sorry for the super late response! That is a great question! The full response to your question is too long to type up here, but I'd love to learn more about your situation and have the opportunity to answer your question on one of my weekly Support Group calls that happen Wednesday mornings at 8am MST. That way, other people that have similar questions and concerns to yours can hear the answer too!
If you’re interested in talking with me more about it, check out the link for more information:
teachingselfgovernment.com/store/support-group/
I hope this helps!
You look great!
So sorry for the super late response! Thank you so much!
I know I agree with the first comment I wish I could’ve had you come to my house to help me learn how to parents because I am emotional about it because I was married to my husband for 30 years we were together for 36 years. my husband passed away in March 2022, but in March 2019 we adopted my goddaughter his biological granddaughter, because the father help me to suicide and mother was on drugs, and so the plan was that department of children and families would place the girl with us, and we would raise her and she did great, I don’t know whether it’s the loss of my husband because she claims that she’s fine or it’s teenage years where she really just doesn’t give a crap but everything is I forgot I don’t know she’s forgetful she lies but yet she can get straight A’s if she really tries if she tries to do too much all at one time she forgets to turn assignments in and then she’ll get an F I’m just off the chart over the top lost. I climbed up the hill with my husband and we were doing great since he passed away. I’ve been sliding down that hill heading for the tree since March 2022 and it’s not getting any easier so I’m doing this Free self government podcast that you have for me and I could use some help about widows, parenting children and trying to juggle and balance house and driving back-and-forth to school for school choice and running a business etc. etc. anyways, this is a story all about me now that I’ve made it that way, but I could really use some advice
That is quite the situation! The full response to your comment is too long to type up here, but I'd love to learn more about your situation and have the opportunity to answer your questions on one of my weekly Support Group calls that happen Wednesday mornings at 8am MST. That way, other people that have similar questions and concerns to yours can hear the answer too!
If you’re interested in talking with me more about it, check out the link for more information:
teachingselfgovernment.com/store/support-group/
I hope this helps!
My situation is very similar. My husband of 34 yrs passed suddenly in Apr 2022. We have 4 adult children and had adopted 3 young children (2,3,4 at the time) a yr before he passed. I wish we lived near each other to connect. I am in TN and plan to move to AZ this summer.
How help nonverbal child
Sorry for the super late response! That is a great question! The full response to your question is too long to type up here, but I'd love to learn more about your situation and have the opportunity to answer your question on one of my weekly Support Group calls that happen Wednesday mornings at 8am MST. That way, other people that have similar questions and concerns to yours can hear the answer too!
If you’re interested in talking with me more about it, check out the link for more information:
teachingselfgovernment.com/store/support-group/
I hope this helps!
Can you help me not lie to my boyfriend
Sure. I can tell you where it ends up. My girlfriend lied to me and usually I wasn’t able to verify it was a lie so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. We got married and soon I caught her in more lies, cheating and stealing. I divorced her. 20 years later she was on her 5th divorce and she called me up wanting me back. In the course of our conversation I caught her in another lie and I haven’t spoken to her since.
If you have a lie to tell that is worth that kind of consequence then go ahead and tell it. If it’s not worth all of your relationships falling apart then don’t.
Great advice.
This is something you have to tell yourself that you're just not going to do. It's a "no" answer that you have to give yourself. This is something I had to do when I was younger. I realized it wasn't helping me in my relationships and I didn't want my friends and family to walk away from me because of the bad habit.
Also, since lying is a bad habit, it could be helpful to read "Atomic Habits" by James Clear. He's got some amazing advice for that.
So discipline them with skill building exercises. 😅 Bwahahaha!
WOW
Most adults lie
How help a suicidel teenager
Sorry for the super late response! That is a great question! The full response to your question is too long to type up here, but I'd love to learn more about your situation and have the opportunity to answer your question on one of my weekly Support Group calls that happen Wednesday mornings at 8am MST. That way, other people that have similar questions and concerns to yours can hear the answer too!
If you’re interested in talking with me more about it, check out the link for more information:
teachingselfgovernment.com/store/support-group/
I hope this helps!
🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
So sorry for the late reply! I'm so glad you enjoyed the video!
❤
Thank you for the love!
How to do a Sofa hold on a child
Sorry for the super late response! That is something I explain in my online TSG Parenting Course. I don't do it here because it requires some explanation and pre-teaching.
teachingselfgovernment.com/tsg-parenting-course/