How Positive Discipline helps your toddler
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- Опубликовано: 24 окт 2023
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“I wouldnt yell at my wife so why would i yell at my child” is so true. People often view basic respect towards children as spoiling them when it’s just the norm with adults. You wouldnt hit or yell at another adult so why would you do it to a child that is also just a humanbeing?
Meanwhile, I was raised in a family that shouted at everyone and now actively have to be like, if you won't yell at your toddler, why are you yelling at your partner?
Exactly! Especially on the hitting point. If it would be classified as assault of the person was older why the hell is it okay to hit a kid?
Exactly! Especially on the hitting point. If it would be classified as assault of the person was older why the hell is it okay to hit a kid?
@@carameldaresame lol. I also grew up in a family that constantly fought with each other and now I genuinely can't tell the difference between an enthusiastic conversation and an argument. My partner is the exact same way! I would think he'd be angry at me for a belief that I held, but then at the end of it he'd say, "I love how we have conversations about these things"; like bruh we were doing a shouting match about something that we actually agreed about. It's hilarious.
@rozygcf6611 my partner is from a family of people who LOVE debating and genuinely find joy in arguing things. And they always end up basically shouting. It's been 12 years and I still have a hard time joining because I can't fathom shouting disagreeing statements without being actually angry haha.
I wonder if in Rupert’s mind, ‘being deaf’ translates into speaking sign language, and that’s what he’s expressing, though he obviously understands that you can’t hear.
Maybe he needs a special sign for CODA :)
"It's and ambulance, huh? Thank you, deaf child." Made me laugh so hard. Toddlers are hilarious
Kids are so funny without even meaning to. My nephew constantly makes me laugh and he’s like, “Tia, what?” No, buddy. Just you being adorable.
I personally insisted that my eyes glowed in the dark until I was about 6. No clue how I even came up with that.
@@carameldarecartoons?
I talked to kids about their sensory environment and one of them came to the clue that Heat Pumps sound scary because movie people have a hard time recruiting actual monster so utilize Heatpump sounds for scary content.
@@fionafiona1146 could be haha
I mean he sees Jessica in himself, so I love he sees himself as deaf - it makes sense! But yeah... 😂
The hilarious part of toddlers is that they do not realize what they're saying or doing! 😍
Toddlers are so damn smart when you communicate with them. I helped a 2 year old through their disappointment that the Aquarium was closed. ...then I had my own disappointment to manage (I really wanted to take them that day). Toddler (now done being sad and onto the next thing) just said to me, "Well, we can always go another day."
Awe. ❤
-and we did go another day and it was wonderful.
I am curious, do you have anything you do to deal with your own disappointment? I am asking, because I am trying to deal with the holes left by my own childhood, finding tips are not always so easy :)
@@Summer_and_Rainfirst off, big hugs! Having had a difficult childhood and then trying to raise healthy kids feels like trying to learn a new language with no translation book 💖
My top two tips: let your children show you how to care for your inner child. Ex: in the above scenario I might have said "I'm really disappointed too. What do you think we should do to feel better?" This has the added benefits of teaching them to find ways to self soothe and reinforces empathy.
My other tip is to check out DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) for yourself. It's like a textbook for dealing with difficult emotions. It's helpful to work with a qualified therapist but you can do the workbook yourself as well.
Btw I love that you're asking for help with this. That's a big step most people struggle to make. And remember, bad parents don't wonder if they're a bad parent because they don't care.
@@Summer_and_Rainreminding yourself that there's always another way to find fulfillment somewhere else, and letting yourself be disappointed sometimes is ok too! Trying to have more empathy for yourself goes a long way! 🎉 wishing you luck, I'm struggling with similiar things. I think making time to enjoy things now is a good way of making it up to my inner child, too.
So adorable 😄
Rupert proclaiming he's deaf reminded me of one of my friend's kids. He's around Rupert's age. We were swimming and he couldn't reach one of his toys, so his mom handed it to him. He then proudly said, "I did that all by myself!" It was hilarious.
As an adult, no-one yells at me if I accidenitally break a vase. It's weird to treat children differently.
Ngl, I’m adopting some of these kids’ techniques for myself as an adult -especially the “I’m struggling” 😅
It works for all ages! ❤
It's really helpful. It also allows your near ones to support you to get through it, instead of being mad at something.
Same. I am here learning how to better parent myself and my inner child.
I do the same, it also helps with being in a neuro diverse household with overlapping disabilities. I really like the podcast Childproof for exactly this sort of thing
This sounds a lot like my parents natural parenting style. My friends were always shocked that i had never been grounded. My parents would just explain why things were for my own good, it was hard to argue with. They gave me quite a lot of freedom, so why rebel? Maybe it is why i have good self control now or maybe it just suited me. This is a great video.
Mine were like this too. I had strict rules about how I treated other people. Like treat people with kindness and respect. But I could listen to whatever music, dress how I wanted, dye my hair. They told me no matter what time it was or where I was to always call them if I needed help. I didn't rebel at all. My friends parents were extremely strict, and they all totally did
It's so touching for me hearing you talk about how you are helping Rupert to recognize and process his emotions. I'm 29 years old and never learned this and was giving the feeling that my frustration and rage was a bad thing and never learned how to deal with rage. And I just now am learning about this and I have to relearn how to deal with emotions as an adult (where I have a lot of other things to do and responsibilities and ugh!). So from my view it's heart-warming that you and Claudia are so keen on Rupert learning his emotions and yeah. It's just really nice to see this for me! (Sorry for any jumbled expressions, english is not my first language)
You did a great job communicating (I think) what you were going for! And you should never feel like you need to apologize for being multi-lingual. It's like a superpower, but in real life. Many people only know the language of the country they grew up in, or one other, and that, not well. You were very clear, and did a great job!
I never would have guessed English wasn't your first language if you hadn't explicitly stated it at the end ^^ The only thing I noticed was slightly off would be "was giving the feeling", which could be changed to "was *given* the feeling" or shortened to "was taught", but I attributed the slip-up to the level of frustration of having to relearn as an adult, or just an autocorrect you didn't ask for... or both!
You were perfectly clear.
I am the same :) healing from childhood stuff is hard. It gets even harder, when you have no idea how to change it. Being around my parents I learned to "move my boundaries" and blaming myself for what other people do to me. It is hard to hold boundaries as an adult or be sure that others are responsible for what they do, because it was never tough to me. Then the question becomes, how do you do something, you don't know how to do or how to even get there? :)
Well, hi, nice person who tells exactly what I could have said, even their age x') I guess you're a german neighbour, too. I'm french but I feel your struggle ! The important thing is that we don't perpetuate those struggles to the next generation. My bestie just had a baby and we're gonna really try !!
It's really interesting hearing you talk about how to be able to direct Rupert away from danger and know that he'll pay attention. It kinda reminds me of a story my mother tells sometimes of when I was very small - I had somehow managed to hurt myself in some minor but still reasonably painful way and had started crying, and Mum said "Ouch!". I clearly took this on board as I mostly stopped crying and just repeated "ouch!" back at her a few times. This became very important some time later when I was very clearly intending to stick tiny baby fingers in the plug socket - Mum was across the room and wouldnt be able to snatch me away in time, and so instead just said "Ouch!" quite loudly, and shook her head at me when I looked over. She repeated "Ouch!" every time my fingers went back to the socket and I guess that got the message across because I am verifiably still here, sans any major electrical burns or scarring from the same.
i hope to raise my children this way. i know i need to work on my emotional regulation first as my parents don’t have any and never taught me any. And just hearing you say that Rupert comes to you saying “I’m struggling” made me tear up because I still don’t feel safe to go to my parents when I’m struggling.
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Not all parents are good parents, even if looked upon very kindly.
The important thing is that you are aware and actively wanting to break that cycle. Also remember two things, 1 it's okay to let your child see you be frustrated or whatever and let them watch you self regulate. 2 if it's a really bad day and you end up snapping at them, give both of you time to calm down separately and then come to them to apologise for your behaviour, say something like "I was upset about the broken vase and I made my big feelings your problem and that is not okay, I will try to improve in the future" (don't promise that you'll never do it again because that's 99.99% impossible to keep)
Perhaps read some Montessori books on the subject on how to help a child learn these skills, and practise on yourself?
One of the things I have always done with my children is apologise if my emotional regulation is off. I'll also explain what happened, eg "I'm sorry I snapped/was cross at you. It wasn't your fault, it was mine. I'm very sore today." This models a good way forward. It great when they were little because they would come up and apologise, and let me know what was wrong (hungry, tired, sick, sad...) and we could work together to find a solution.
As someone who was parented the opposite of this especially as an older teen this is oddly healing to know that there are other ways to parent. I’ve always said that if I have kids I’d never say “because I told you so” to them because they’d never learn anything from that. It’s nice to know that there is a whole parenting style that is like that.
I'm 38 & only just starting to heal from the "Do as I say not as I do" and "suck it up" schools of parenting that my Mum & Dad used interchangeably. Funny how I still struggle expressing emotions, didn't know I was Autistic til recently, & have major trust issues I'm working through. It's clearly me who's the screw-up, & not that I was failed by the adults around me. /S 😢
@@raetetemanza6660oh wow. I can feel this :o Hope your way towards healing feels nice 🫂
So true ! I shed a tear watching this video
For people watching this who have never used gentle parenting techniques before, who aren't the primary caregiver or even don't seen the kids as often as you would like - it is NEVER too late to start incorporating these! I started learning about child development when I began my first long term private childcare placement, and used these techniques with the kids I care for. The difference I see in them is immense. It doesn't matter what parenting style their parents are using (as long as it's not abusive ofc) - my caregiving style is consistent, and the kids respond to that. They know that if a mistake happens with me, I will treat them with respect while we sort it out together, which means they never hide or try to lie their way out of mistakes. We have a deeply trusting relationship that is not compromised when I don't see them as often as I used to when they were smaller. One of my kids is almost a teenager now, and even though we didn't start "gentle parenting" until they were at least 8 years old, I can see how positively it's affected them. Their younger sibling has more ingrained coping styles, yes, because they didn't have to unlearn before learning something new. But it has been just as valuable for the older child, and I want people to know that it's never too late to give the gift of gentleness and respect to another human.
I went to montessori kindergarten and school as a child in late 90's early 2000's. So much trauma later I have been quite suspicious about the whole thing. Turns out those places didn't follow actual montessori advice at all 😂
Yeah, I have to say, in 15 years of kindergarten work, some of the worst child abuse Ive seen was at Montessori kindergartens.. where the teachers took controlled environment way too far.. the best Ive seen and ended up working in was Pickler or RIE environments because it's a little more relaxed, flexible and dynamic and more modern world..
And so Ive also been left wary. And also wary how sensible middle class parents could pay so much and not see the harm done because of being swayed by advertising or the name.. ratter than observing what was actually going on in the classroom.. so yeah, cautionary tale, just observe, is it calm happy contented, or are kids fearful, controlled, restricted, anxious to please
Truely good learning spaces, kids have emotions, seek reassurance, are engaged with each other, are playful, reach out for what they want, might argue or fight but are quick to settle as opposed to too scared to speak up, or rebelling and lashing out
@@elspethfougere9683 This is all good advice and true.
To open my experience a little bit, trigger warnings and this might get long.
I started kindergarten around age 3 and started to get bullied pretty much from the first moment. No one played with me and one of the kids, year older than me, used to literally beat me in the "calm down" -area mattress. I was crying and asking for help but no one did anything. The adults tried to force me into the mold of a normal child (Im autistic) and got upset at me when they couldn't. We had some learning tools but none of them were used and when I couldn't do something (like when we were learning to read and write in pre-school and I couldn't do it) they punished me socially, by telling how bad I am in front of others, saying others were better than me and not giving me needed attention etc.
My mother refuses to believe that these things happened because she never saw it.
In my country we start school at age 7. I remember being so hopeful, thinking maybe things will change and itll be great. My class teacher broke me down in couple weeks and that hope was lost.
She berated me when something was hard for me, compared me to other students and how they are so much better than me, told me I'm a bad kid, told me I'm abnormal and stupid. She sat behind me breathing to my neck during tests which didn't help as tests were already super anxious for me (I have a memory issue). She spoke bad about me to my best (and only) friend and told us to not play with the kids of the disabled class (still don't know why).
This teacher tried to make me stay after school to learn the ground roll (where kid is groutching down, puts their head against the floor and rolls around themself), that one my mom refused. I didn't get any praise from things I did well, there was learning tools in the classroom but we were literally not allowed to touch them. The teacher just showed them to us and played with them herself.
At age 10 the class teacher didn't teach gym anymore because that's when boys and girls were put to different groups. The gym teacher bullied me with the kids, she was standing there and nodding while they were telling me how horrible and useless and ugly I am. It got so bad a girl that bullied me in home class started to comfort me. The gym teacher also forced me to do things that are dangerous to me and that my mom said I can't do, like skiing and ice skating. I have hEDS as well and those things are extremely dangerous, just the position hurts and the possibility of me injuring myself is huge. She forced me to run on sprained ankles multiple times and caused me more physical injuries than I can count.
The crafts teacher also bullied me with the kids. She refused to help me (I often had to hold my hand up to get help the whole time and she always went for other people first no matter how long I waited, if no one else needed help she gave me one order like "get scissors" and then went to help others again and I had to hold my arm up again) and berated me for not finishing many of the projects because of that.
One of the substitute teachers was creeping on little girls, especially us who had started puberty early.
I was bullied by so many people I can't remember all of their names or faces. Often in front of teachers and they did nothing. Everyday in school was torture and my grades were horrible most of the time.
I have been in mental health care for fourteen years and therapy for five years and it's been a long road, but now I'm able to talk about my school years without getting too upset.
@@elspethfougere9683 I can only suggest that you perhaps read some of her own books. The issue was that she didn't want to make her work elite and keep it accessible, so people took the name and did their own twisted things but using the goodwill that existed with her name.
She was all about respect for the child, following the child's natural development, the adult being responsible for their own regulation and preparing themselves to be calm, respectful and lead by example.
@lizlmarchand9683. What books would you suggest? I would really love to know more about Montessori.
@@logo9470 "The secret of childhood", "The absorbent mind" are both good and the there are a number of books that others have written on the matter. She wrote quite a number of books and Google will tell you where to find them
When the children were little, it was all gentle parenting, natural consequences etc. As our children got older, and they were able to think through their actions a head of time, we started using punishments for the times they had made a decision to actively be bad.. But we'd discuss what happened, why it happened, and I'd ask them what they thought a suitable punishment would be. Each and every time, I had to dial back the punishments they suggested.
One notable time, I ask the child what their punishment should be, and they replied, "Absolutely nothing." and went on to explain why their actions did not deserve any punishment. That was a VERY interesting discussion! We worked things out, and came to a suitable and agreed solution.
Hi Jessica, I don't know if you've heard that recently (July 2023), the US Federal Trade Commission fined BetterHelp over $7 million because they were sharing customer's sensitive personal information with Facebook, Pinterest etc third parties? Real therapists obviously can't do that
This is what I've heard and why I wouldn't trust BetterHelp with bargepole!
Kinda awkward seeing people still accepting sponsorships from betterhelp after all of that came out... Like, don't they do any research about the companies that reach out to them?
They've also acted abusively toward patients/clients, so this doesn't surprise me. Creators need to stop taking sponsorships from them!
It makes me so happy (thinking back to my own childhood) that you give him a quiet spot and respect it if he wants to retreat. I wish my mom did that!
Interestingly, the word discipline (from the word "disciple") came into English usage by way of the Latin 'discipulus' meaning a learner! The term represents the greek word mathētḗs (μαθητής), meaning "one who engages in learning through instruction from another". In this way Jessicas distinction and explanation between punishment and discipline is very true and sensible.
Maria Montesorri was such a fascinating woman, and she had a lot of great points not just about parenting but about politics in regards to pacifism and nonviolence. You can really see how those ideals show in her parenting techniques too!
She had a couple of cringe eugenics but is softer than many contemporaries
I grew up in the Quaker religion. They are pacifists but unfortunately that doesn't always include towards their children.
She's also a Quaker
Rupert saying he is deaf reminded me of Lily from the Modern Family series in the ep where she would say to everyone she was gay because she wanted to be like her dads😂 so sweet!
That was a good episode!
On the topic of "naughty" one thing we always did when I taught was use choice focussed language. Never using words that apply a characteristic to the child such as they "are" naughty, or mean etc based on negative actions. Focussing on the action instead and how that was a choice, and how they can make a different choice in the future to deal with a similar situation. It's amazing the impact it has, it can be so disheartening and demotivating for a child to hear that they are bad in some way, and so empowering to be reminded they can make a kinder, safer or more effective choice.
oh jessica i really love you, you're my favorite youtuber, and i'm sure you didn't do this with any ill intents, but i'm not too happy about the betterhelp sponsorship considering their history
Just going off the biting thing, my cousins daughter had a biting phase and they redirected her with teething toys (even though she had teeth at this point) because a lot of perceived 'naughty' behaviours are actually seeking behaviours. Redirecting to an activity where the need can be met in a healthy manner is so much more effective than punishment or yelling at a child who wouldnt understand why they're being punished for their brain just seeking sensory input. I commend Montessori and respectful/ gentle parenting because it teaches these values and enables children to be in touch with their emotions and intelligently able to communicate them from a much younger age
Teaching children to reach out when struggling is so important. They'll carry that with them throughout life and hopefully be more likely to ask for help when they need it and be less likely to hide mental health struggles. There's been so many points throughout my life that I was struggling but didn't have the words to say it or didn't feel like it was acceptable/encouraged for me to reach out. I'm really glad that Claudia and you are allowing him the tools to communicate with you in this way. And PREACH to the why are you making a child feel bad because they made you feel bad?? I feel like so many parents and people get overstimulated causing emotional disregulation and they'll lash out at their children instead of dealing with the actual issue at present.
do I have children? no. do I want to have children in the future? no. do I have little ones in my life? also, no. Still I LOVE to learn about Montessori Parenting for some reason 😅❤
@AbiSaad Same!
It really heals something inside me to hear about how you approach parenting with Rupert, and how much confidence and agency this has instilled in him. My parents were the dreaded "permissive" type--from what I can gather I think they were afraid to follow through on discipline and consequences most of the time, because they both had very emotionally abusive parents, and for them avoiding discipline was about not wanting to hurt us the way their parents hurt them. I also got the sense that they were overwhelmed by having three kids, more than they had expected or planned for, so I think they had to play whack-a-mole with the big issues as they came up and mostly let the small stuff go. Understandable, and I think they did the best they could, but not very helpful in the end.
I was very quiet and internally-focused as a kid (still am), so I was generally left in the corner to do my thing. I still remember that the few times I actually "got in trouble" as a young kid, I was devastated and confused--like the time I got a time-out for playing with the bubble wrap from a new land line phone that my mom was planning to package back up and return. As an adult, I can understand that she was dealing with logistics and chaos, saw that I was messing with something she needed, and had to put the unpredictable child to the side in order to deal with things one at a time. But at the time, it felt like being sent to jail for something that hadn't been a crime last time I'd done it. I can still remember sitting on that couch and crying, struggling to understand why I was there. I had to put together the answer for myself and take my best guess at what behaviors would make my parents praise me for being good in the future.
Please, communicate with your kids. They just got here, they don't have all the context yet.
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"Yes, I am deaf, Mummy" reminds me very much of another 2 year old I know who is adamant that they know Japanese and All the Languages (suspiciously after I told the kid about a country called Japan and the language there is Japanese). 😂 Suddenly the kid is an Allyglot.
I went to a Montessori school from 8 to 11yo and I've recently been doing alot of self reflection as my marriage is ending. Watching this I'm remembering the "weird" things I was allowed to do/did that align with who I am and my passions now.
I started out writing books for my special needs classmates (80% of my class) and by the end I was a highly valued assistant in the preschool entrusted with handling disputes and emotional meltdowns. Also I had gotten an abusive teacher not just stripped of her license in that state (which had already happened to her in 3 other states) but arrested and convicted by setting up a sting so multiple adults were witnesses.
Now at nearly 40 I'm finally realizing that is what I'm here to do, help people through difficult feelings and challenges and advocate for them in a way that teaches them to do so themselves. And somehow, without trying I've managed to develop almost all the skills needed to do that. I think being taught that learning is the point of life and being given the freedom and respect to focus my learning on less traditional school subjects had alot to do with it. I just wish the schools went all the way through highschool at least and a university for autodidacts would be heavenly! I might have actually had a degree after 6yrs instead of just debt 😆
Rupert: “I’m struggling.” Me too, kiddo. Me too.
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Plushies and stuffys to cuddle have always helped me to regulate no matter if it's PTSD, chronic illnesses, autism, mood swings, grief, I have a huge teddy bear almost as big as me 😊
Things that helped me in a quiet space when I was little: access to a closet to sit in, books, a rocking chair
I'm glad you are having a good experience with Better Help - recently watched a video on how they sell the patients information and in the comments, so many scary stories of interactions with awful, dangerous therapists.
I love watching your videos and getting little snippets of your life as a mom, as well as someone who lives with chronic illnesses. You never fail to brighten my day, and the love you clearly have for your wife and child are just so heart warming. Also, again, thank you for including your child, without showing the child's face, it's nice to see them respected in that way. I will never be a mother, for several reasons, so I live that life vicariously through those of you who are doing such an amazing job of raising a better future. Thank you for, as always, being uniquely, fabulously, beautifully, you. I wish you and yours nothing but joy, health, happiness, and success going forward. Much love from across the pond.
So beautifully said. I echo it all ❤
Is it odd that I look forward to these parenting videos despite not having any children nor any intent to have children? I was raised with a very punitive style of parenting, with inconsistent boundaries and a parent with hair-trigger anger responses. I wonder if perhaps I love these videos so much because it feels like vindication. I shouldn't have been treated the way that I was when I was a child, curious and struggling to adapt to existence. Now that I'm older, I'm learning to "parent" myself with more kindness than I was shown when I was small. It's a very nice, warm feeling ^_^ Thank you for these videos, Jessica!
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This was so informative! It makes me I wish I could go back and change some of things we did when we were raising our daughter. (She is an excellent person, but in retrospect, we could have made her childhood less stressful.)
Also: missing the white and blue lamp…
Favorite calm down technique: let's smell the flowers (big breath in) and blow the bubbles (big breath out) 🧡
Ah Jessica, it never ceases to amaze me how wise you are. What a wonderful way to bring up a child! I'm more than twice your age, no children but I can tell you that the "old" ways in which I was brought up were certainly not the best. My parents were kind and loving but we got a slap round the back of the legs for misbehaviour that I suspect was enough to throw mother over the edge of her endurance. The ever present threat of "wait till your father gets home" was extraordinarily scary given that he never laid a hand on us! It was the fear of disappointing him I think, of him knowing what a bad person one was. The worst thing was the lack of expectation that one would ever do anything right which gave one a permanent and lifelong feeling of inadequacy. The awful thing is how easy it is to find oneself inadvertently treating others children the same, (not the violence of course!) I have to make a conscious effort to give someone praise because it was something very rarely handed out and then quite faint praise at that!
What a beautiful thing it is that you're giving Rupert these wonderful gifts to pass on and how marvelous to hear that he is doing so already. Bless you my love, I'm beginning to think of you as my guardian angel! 🙏🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🤗
Re: BetterHelp - you may not know this, but they got a huge fine from the FTC because they shared their clients’ data with third parties like Facebook and Google; not just IP addresses but even the results of mental health questionnaires. I understand you need sponsorship to support your channel, but I doubt that their business practices align with your values and your channel’s image. Maybe something to look into!
Yes I always wish the RUclips channels sponsored by them would reflect on if they really want to be associated with them. I wouldn't want to be.
Same. So many channels have them as sponsors and they are very problematic. I've just started stopping watching videos as soon as the ad comes up. Basically voting with my views. Jessica shouldn't have issues finding other sponsors.
Agree. Love the content, didn't love the Sponsorship this time around
@@monicamacie1807 It’s such a shame, too, cause I think the business concept itself is great. But the execution is dominated by pure greed rather than an actual desire to help people, and that ruins it all
@@waffles3629she could have a multi video contract.
He’s deaf because he wants to be just like mommy in that way! That’s actually really sweet!
I like the “no-no” vs. “no”, I’ll definitely be implementing that with my baby!
The way you and Claudia parent Rupert is just so lovely! They are, indeed, “new here” and are just trying to learn to navigate this world. Imagine being on another planet where everything is new and you have to learn what is acceptable and expected and you were “punished” for every misstep? How horrifying! Btw love when you a”just talk” it’s never too long
I love, love, love this approach to parenting. The positive reinforcement way is so encouraging. You are setting your child up for success. You have boundaries, but you don't need to hurt your child (mentally, physically, emotionally) but give consequences that build up their skills. He will have just emotional intelligence and confidence.
I only have a dog, but this is the kind of approach I use. They are learners. They (kids, animals) are constantly learning from the environment around them. And they see things we may miss. So, we set them up for success. We give them the autonomy to learn, establish boundaries, learn to trust..that is huge! Trust is huge. Breaking it by punishment has huge fallout issues.
So thank you. Your kid seems like a delight.
Things like this has me so hopeful for our future generations. It seems that too many of us spend our entire adult lives reconciling what happened to us as children. Unfortunately, I was raised by very young adults who accidentally started a family way too early; Dad was always away for work, Mom taught me to hide all feelings and emotions and just be a pleasant fixture in the room (she was partially raised Greek Orthodox Catholic).
I was born in 1974. My dad was a psychologist. Growing up neither he or my mom ever used physical punishments with me or my sister. When helping raise a child I followed what my parents had done for me. The mother, unfortunately, got into spanking when she got with a certain boyfriends (the mon & i were never together it was her daughter that claimed me. Her first words were calling me her dad)
But seeing the difference in behavior 8n the same chold between how she behaved ariund me using nonphysical punishment & around her mom who used psychical punishment...
Simply put her behavior was far worse with her mom; child didnt listen, threw temper tantrums (even in public), threw toys, refused to listen, etc.
With me it was the exact opposite; she always did as told (usually an the first time asking), she would not pitch temper tantrums ever, she was very respectful, etc.
Simply put physical punishments do not work.
another point to the child proofing is that often enough, just making it harder for the kid to get to something doesnt stop them but simply gives them a challenge to work around, which if anything just makes it that little bit more enticing.
i remember for example that my mom strapped a bell to the fridge handle to stop us kids from sneaking snacks without asking first. after being caught the first few times a toddler learns that holding a bell in their palm makes it quiet sooooo theres that xD
a system built on mutual respect and honesty is infinitely better.
I have put toys that hit someone and crayons that draw on walls in time out with a timer on top of the fridge when my children were toddlers. Then explained why. I also took time outs when I felt frustrated with behavior. “Excuse me, let’s put you somewhere safe because when X happened I got really frustrated and felt like hitting but people don’t hit people so I need to go be by myself until I feel better.
I think it gets challenging as kids get older. When I was a teenager, my father and I had a disagreement about a date I went on. I went to the movies with a boy and it was a first date- but I had never had a boyfriend before so I wasn't SURE it was a date. That's kind of what we were figuring out when we hung out that day. When we had a second date and I told my dad I was on a date, he saw it was the same boy, and he got angry that I hadn't told him it was a date the first time. He said I was "Sneaking out" because I should have told him. He grounded me. To this day (I am now 30) we do not agree on this situation. I maintain that it wasn't sneaking out when I told him where I would be and who I was going with, especially when I didn't know for sure we were on a date. He insists I was sneaking out. Our conflicts were becoming more like adult disagreements, but he was still my parent and still responsible for me. It made things challenging.
Such a lovely mother you are, Jessica. Rupert is indeed a fortunate child.
Yes yes yes so much to number three especially - natural consequences! We want children to learn to be kind people, to be safe etc because they understand that it makes others feel nice or prevents harm, not because they're scared of some arbitrary punishment. Not only does it just make much more sense and is more effective, the punishment won't be there when they're older, so understanding the reason is super important!!!
Montessori parenting seems like such a lovely approach to raising a child
I’m 27 and I do have a calm down area, I have a corner of my room that has a nice soft mat and all my stuffed animals and when I’m getting overwhelmed or emotionally charged I sit there and play games on my phone until I’ve thought through my feelings or recovered from the overwhelm and it’s such an important part of my room
I didn’t know about Montessori but I naturally apparently practice Montessori, my husband asked me if this was something in Spain (where I’m from) I said no, but I didn’t like being shouted at or not being told about things or not explained so I’m turning into the adult I would have felt safe.
My husband also wanted to baby proof everything remove everything etc I said no, I believe it’s better to teach her show her out there none it’s going to remove things for her… and so on and so forth.
She looooves learning and touching and is very independent so I rather encourage that!
I’m a gentle parent but not a gentle person meaning I’d say thing like “hey my little warrior lady! Your friend here said no! That means we keep our hands to ourself you have plenty other friends to play and space to go run! We listen! If we chop!!!” Boundary boundary boundary but in a nice way
Rupert is so adorable! I love all of these methods, and hope more parents transition into these parenting styles. Growing up our house was either overly punitive at my dads house with both belt and paddle used for punishment, water thrown in the face, and of course time out. Mom on the other hand barely ever set boundaries, and at most we'd get grounded. I would have loved to have a calm down corner with some books.
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Some of what Rupert said to you like “Oh, golly gosh” is so funny! 🤣 You and Claudia are doing great with him. 😊❤️
Ooooh wooooow 😭 How many lives could have been better, and self-esteems unbroken... Let's try and do better in the future !
Full kudos to you and all parents who understand that their children are people who do not have experience and help them learn. I wish more people understood gentle parenting isn't permissive, you did a great explanation.
I really enjoyed the video but ended up sobbing, dont know if was the soft tone of the narration or the idea of being a mom someday and having the chance of raising a human being with all the love and care it deserves.
I hope to become a good mother in the future just like Jessica
Crying because me and so many people that I know woild have loved a childhood like you are giving Rupert. Would that we all were given such patience and love and support
I have worked with young children in the past and currently I work with dogs. I have always been able to take positive techniques for children and apply them to work with dogs and I am looking forward to trying the 'no biting, kisses only' approach on my next work shift. I learn so much here.
I do think there are a lot of similarities between raising children and training dogs, but people seem to be offended when you compare their children to dogs 🤷
@christianavance9124 what a great idea!😊
I agree with your natural consequences over punishments approach. We are, after all, mammals, who learn simple causations before complex ones. A mammal once punished will learn, at first, to avoid the punisher. But when that punisher is nature itself, and thus unavoidable, it will all the sooner learn to adapt instead. So, with child rearing, it’s wise to leave nature as the cruel teacher and yourself, as ever, the kind one.
If Rupert likes to bite people then maybe he has potential for working security in the home when he can eventually be left safely..
I love it when you said he'll go to his quiet area to calm down. I need one. My parents never gave me respect, privacy, or any kind of gentleness, so i think your intimate knowledge on how to help him is incredible and your patience and effort is great. Did you know that you are an angel?
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I had to put my 1yr old in a time out the other day :( I dropped something and there was broken glass everywhere. The only way to keep her safe was to put her in the other room. She was so upset and I felt so bad.
You shouldn't feel bad (though it's totally valid you'd feel sadness)! It sounds like you did what you needed to in the moment to keep her physically safe, which is really important. These kinds of situations come up unfortunately and you have to act quickly.
I love that time-in works for your family! For anyone who might find that time-in does not work for their child, timeout has been found to help kids self-regulate (if done appropriately--clearly explained, for more severe behaviors, time limited, etc). Timeout tends to get a bad reputation, but its all about your child's needs and ensuring that you are using timeout as an opportunity for child to calm down independently/without attention that reinforces the previous behavior.
Stop a polite British baby is so funny I love it
The quiet area you described is what my parents had set up for time out for me as a kid. It was a quiet place I had to stay in until I calmed down and after a set time my parents would talk to me about what happened.
This and other excellent videos about healthy parenting often make me so sad. The underlying assumption is that we, the adults, the parents, know how to regulate our emotions, how to communicate clearly - that we know how to embody these qualities ourselves - even towards ourselves. But often we don't. Often we've never even seen it modeled. One of the bonuses I've gained from watching videos of respectful family (and other) communication is witnessing examples that I can absorb at my own pace. It helps reinforce my sense of what healthy communication is and counterbalances examples to the contrary that I'm more familiar with from my youth and sometimes surroundings. Thank you.
Yay to encouraging gentle parenting. As a disabled Norland nanny I completely agree with everything you have said. It also has large influences of Piaget and vygotsky, scaffolding and lone scientist. The only thing I would add is that "time out" is for the parent only when they need to step away to their quiet space to regulate their own emotions before they can come back into a situation.
Massive thumbs put for respecting children.
I don't know if I would definitively say that "time out" is only for the adults.That seems a little too rigid. As Jessica have said, every family is different. I do not trust and try to avoid people who say "x" is ONLY for "y" because I feel like their mind must be too closed off to other possibilities to think like that.
Sorry I didn’t explain clearly. All I meant is that trying to engage with a child after an upsetting situation you may need to consider your own emotions first. Time out for grow ups doesn’t look like placing your child in a specific spot for an chosen amount of time. It mean making sure you leave your child where they are (if safe to do so) while you move away to process your feelings. It is in no way compulsory for anyone or even the way you deal with all situations.
It also role models to the child how they can move away from an upsetting incident while they calm down and come back.
I personally don’t use one set way of managing challenging behavior. It alway depends on the child, family and environment. Sorry if you thought I meant traditional time out. Or that it was a fixed idea.
Thank you for promoting me to expand more. Please let me know if there is anything else I need to clear up.
Yes!! We are big fans of natural consequences in our house too. ❤
I work at a school for kids who have behavioral difficulties and/or intellectual disabilities (and are also Deaf) who need more help than their schools can provide and this is all EXACTLY what we try to do for our kids and it WORKS! Obviously there are times when our kids still go off because of their unique issues but it happens so much more often when people don’t follow these principles!
Always remember that they are people too and if you just explain things to them - set up clear expectations and boundaries, allow natural consequences, teach communication skills, respect them, don’t use punishments, let them earn positive rewards - they will be so much more responsive to what you have to say and will listen when they are capable (and also remember that some times for some kids they just aren’t capable of listening and in those cases your job is to keep them safe and ride it out then debrief later - still not to yell or punish, but try to teach them the skills so they can do it in the future)
Have no children but will be applying to myself
I taught my kids to breathe deeply and flick their fingers over and over. Helps get rid of the negativity.
I love it!! I would love to have grown up this way. As it is I struggle with adults that want to attempt to control me. I’m trying positive boundaries with them. Sometimes it works.
I personally don't want children but I love watching videos like these. I wish my parents did this when I was a child. It also helps me learn about how to act towards children since I'm not comfortable due to lack of experience and kids exist in the world, plus I have a friend who has kids.
I heard about a couple that have two kids. The parents are into "positive parenting", which really means, "we will not teach our kids: no and boundaries", which ended up meaning, the younger child does not know what to do with its frustration, so it gets violent. It then hits its older sibling and then the older sibling gets told not to hit back... The parents do nothing and if others interween the parents then cut off the people trying to help. It is abuse.
So I was a bit scared going into this video, that it would be something like that. But it seems not to be the case :) This seems to be a very good foundation to teach kids. I might try to use this in my own self-parenting
It will be interesting to see how this works when you have another child. I'm the oldest in my family and, watching Rupert, I recognize a lot of myself in the sense that the only people I had to identify with were my parents. But my younger sister had my parents and me - another child - which changed things. I'm curious to see how Montessori works with younger siblings because how younger siblings see the world is less intuitive to me.
So many people confuse gentle parenting with laissez-faire parenting where you basically neglect your child and don't tell them anything or direct them at all. Why is it such a strange concept that you can and should direct or redirect your child in certain situations, in a gentle, respectful way? With grown ups, we go through frustrations, need boundaries, and conflicts and hopefully we can deal with that in a respectful way. We want our children to learn that, how would they do that if we don't apply it when teaching them?
Sounds like an amazing way to raise a tiny human❤ I don't have children but I still really enjoyed this video and might employ some of these when I occasionally babysit my friend's kids.
Seeing younger parents being gentle and respectful with their younglings is so healing! I remember being reprimanded as a younger parent. For apologizing after I'd yelled at my toddler, which I did too often. I made lots of mistakes (because we all do) but I gave better than I got. And if my kids (currently young adults) ever have kids, they'll do even better.
Very interesting topic and what a delightful execution! The anecdote about Rupert notifying you about the ambulance made me laugh! I am so happy that you have such a loving and caring relationship ☺️😌
I’m slightly jealous. Having a child who listens when you say no is like a miracle, especially at roads! My niece, bless her soul, threw an absolute tantrum because I refused to let her walk across a massive 6 lane road with 2 lanes of trams without holding hands. She was three and it was bad. Flash forward to age 6 and it was a smaller road just up from the massive one (Victoria Parade, Melbourne, near the museum if folk are interested) and I’d agreed she could cross without holding hands. That lasted right up until we were halfway across and a massive 4WD was turning into the road. We had right of way, of course, but I grabbed her hand and then it was war.
I demonstrated with a parked 4WD by standing her in front of it - her head didn’t even clear the bonnet! But still madam 6 was not having it. We’re pretty sure she has some alphabet confetti going on but it’s a tossup as to which letters are involved. She’s anything but placid and calm but still an absolute delight to have in our family, wouldn’t change her, but I do wish she was slightly more easy going with requests. She’s now 8 and next time we go to the museum we shall take the tram up from the train station instead of walking.
Rupert is the luckiest of little boys! I hope one day he knows just how amazingly lucky he is.
I'm definitely struggling, but if I were to try to give my parents my crayons, I'd just be lectured on the fact that I'm struggling in the first place. I'm an adult, I should know how to suck-it-up & act properly. But I've been "sucking-it-up" for 38 years now & all I've got to show for it is this lousy depression & autistic burnout. (Didn't even know I was autistic until i was over 30.)
Good thing I've got two wonderful besties who'll hold my crayons for me & remind me that I'm allowed to have all of my big feelings & I'm still valuable, even when I'm struggling. 💕😢😊
I think is so important to discuss positive discipline particularly after the revaluations from the 8 Passengers (Ruby Franke) situation. Having this kind of discipline at ones disposal means the kid will know the rules and limitations but will not be afraid to discuss a pertinent situation down the line because they know they can trust you and not fear you.
I was definitely punished, and I don't remember it ever being like big things, maybe yelled at but I was never hit or anything. And not going to lie, I stopped telling things and I still struggle telling if I made a mistake.
Definitely not raising my possible future kids that way or any children that will be in my life in any way
This video is exactly the type of parenting i want to practice
Wonderful video! I wish I could go back in time and have you teach my parents parenting 😅. Regarding BetterHelp, the US FTC has a post on how they violated their customers privacy. Please look it up when you get a chance. (Dated March 3, 2023)
You should turn the car seat around when they reach the maximum safe capacity. Rear facing is safest for small children. The axkid series rear faces until 25kg! This is what I've chosen for my child.
I'm so glad that a sweet, gentle child like Rupert got to have parents who are happy to nurture his sweetness.
Thank you so, so much for this video Jessica. I'm also a Jessica, with a 2 year old, and I am struggling. Yes, just like Rupert, haha. This video helped, and for that I thank you. 😊
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@@jennifers5560 ❤️✨
hello, i don't have any kids, but this is just really calming for me as someone who was raised in an ableist and abusive environment growing up. thank you :)
Jessica I love your parenting videos so much, I'm unsure if I want kids right now but if I ever do have kids I definitely want to raise them in this way. Compared to many other children I know, Rupert (from your descriptions) seems more capable of feeling his emotions, realizing that feelings aren't something to be ashamed of, and has a way to emotionally regulate himself. Emotional regulation is something that people struggle with their whole lives so the fact that you are implementing tools for him to do them from a young age is so cool. I also plan on teaching my future kids sign language because it seems that his communication skills have flourished from having multiple ways to communicate his wants and needs. I went to a Montessori preschool, kindergarten, and elementary school (idk if you have the same name for it in England but it was from age 2-11) and when I switched over to a public school, I had learned more about autonomy, exploration, independence, and boundaries than other kids my age had. I'm really grateful I was able to learn those things early on and was able to explore my own interests and passions in school then so school and learning was something exciting instead of dreadful.
In the UK kids can either go to preschool or nursery until the age of 4 (starting age varies quite a lot, especially with private nurseries which sometimes take babies), sometimes these are attached to schools but often they're separate. Then they join a reception or foundation class, which is the first year of proper school (then they'll progress to year 1, year 2, year 3, etc).
Most children go to a primary school (up to age 11), but some areas have lower schools instead (up to age 9) and private schools can have any age range they like.
In Scotland and Northern Ireland, the schooling systems are slightly different but very similar in terms of ages.
I feel like in my quiet place would be a few stuffies, a couple jigsaw puzzles, some colored pencils and an adult coloring book, a few books and a crochet project.
I have a 14 month old so am excited to learn!
Animals, plants, horse toys, or drawing equipment would be in my calm-down corner. Come to think of it, maybe I should make that happen!
This is so educational and hopeful! Thank you so much!
💯 it's not about rule-based compliance and respect for your parents.
it's about healthy boundaries and mutual respect! ❤️
I love all your parenting content! Thank you.
I really like this. Definitely going to research this when I eventually become a parent.
So close to the million, also good video!
such a lovely, healthy way to raise a child. Thank you for being wonderful parents 💖