How to teach children about disability?
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I don't mind giving simple answers about my child's obvious disabilities, but when I get the "What's wrong with him?" question, I just say "Nothing's wrong with him." And wait for them to ask a better question.
This is fantastic
I love this ❤
From an adult that's absolutely an amazing way to handle it. From a child answering gently there's nothing wrong with him just like there's nothing wrong with having a different color hair or different color eyes or different color skin and it teaches the child about inclusivity for everyone❤. I've had to answer questions about myself to a lot of children and adults. I pray that my comments to the children have sparked productive discussions in the household
My granddad was partially paralysed at the age of 5 because of polio. He walked with crutches until he died at 69, he had a wife and two daughters and was praised for his career of teaching German in a university. And still! It was heartbreaking for me to see small kids screaming and running away in fear when they saw him, pointing, shouting ... And their parents did nothing, oftentimes they were equally shocked. We should educate our little ones and be kind
Wow, that's embarrassingly bad. Normally the parents are at least a bit subtle about it
Its sad how people judge and dehumanize others by their visible disabilities (and assume you can’t have a non visible disability), especially when it comes to people’s bodies, I wish humans didn’t think disabled = ugly/deformed/weird = scary = bad person
Both of my parents were blind, but my dad had glaucoma so his eyes were large, & glazed over with the light faded blue from years of pressure, and he had a scar from cleft lip/palate surgery as a baby, so kids would sometimes just see him and start crying in fear. It always confused me.
It makes me so sad that I was a little bit like those kids. My great-grandfather, who was a wonderful man with multiple sclerosis, used to scare me so much. It wasn't until I was about 12 that I was able to see past the rattling wheeled bed and the assisted eating to the kind-hearted and lovable man that he always was. He died a year later, and I just wish I had had more time with him where I could generally have enjoyed his company instead of just uncomfortably hovering around the edge of the room afraid to approach.
Teaching kids about disability is so important. I wish my family had explained to me from a younger age what multiple sclerosis was, because so much of that fear was from just not understanding. Part of me thought I could catch it from him. Part of me was afraid that, if I accidentally touched the bed or wheelchair he was using (depending on the day), it would hurt me in some way, even if he didn't mean to. And part of me I'm sure was just afraid of the "strangeness", because nobody else in my life used those kinds of mobility aids or needed help eating. A lot of that would have been alleviated with some education about multiple sclerosis, about mobility aids in general, and about other disabled people. Even exposure in story books, something that would have shown "hey, this isn't the only guy in the world who can't walk, and it can be a normal way to live for many people," would have helped.
Yeah, there was a kid in my class in school one year with dwarfism, and his parents sent a letter home with everyone at the beginning of the year basically saying this is what he has, this is the preferred term to use, and here are unrelated some things about him. I think that really helped to make it matter-of-fact and not confusing or scary
Jessica, I really appreciate the comment about not discussing your children's disabilities with other people. I have a skin condition (not disabling, though I also have disabilities) that embarrassed me a lot as a kid, and my mom would just have long, friendly conversations with strangers about it, and it made me feel uncomfortable. When I told her I didn't like the situation, she acted like I was the problem, and I just had to deal with the whole thing in silence. It's taking me years to understand and come to terms with how that (among other things) impacted my sense of bodily autonomy and ability to accept myself.
Me and my daughter were at the swimming pool one day getting dressed, and we heard a disabled person communicating. She asked "Why is that person making strange noises, Mama?" And I was initially horrified about the question but I'm glad that I was able to quickly give myself a mental slap and say "Well, I'm not sure exactly, but that person is disabled. Do you know what disabled means?" She said no. I said "it means not able to do something. In this case, the person can communicate, just not with words. They use their own sounds instead." I then asked her if she had things that she couldn't do and we talked about her severe nut allergies. Then we talked about my mental health problems in a casual way too. We then talked about things that me, her, and the disabled person CAN do. All in all, I think I've improved since then, but it was such an eye-opening conversation for me in learning about how to talk about disability and to not shy away from those important questions!
I remember as a kid in primary school seeing the disabled kids at school and they were just seen as weird. No one properly discussed disabilities so to other kids they seemed weird. I had no idea what autism or Down syndrome or adhd was. And then when I started seeing similarities between me and some of the kids with disabilities, it scared me. I didn’t want to be a weird kid so I just tried to hide it. And I did hide it for many years until I hit puberty and it all became too much. And then when I was told there might be something different about me and we should talk to a doctor, I cried. I didn’t want to be seen as different, as one of the weird kids. I had suspected it but I had always told myself it wasn’t true because I didn’t want it to be real.
We sang songs at school about diversity and how everyone is different and stuff like that but disability was just never really discussed, especially invisible disabilities. I can’t remember it but presumably my parents would of taught me about visible disabilities when I saw people with them and asked questions about it as a young kid. But you don’t see invisible disabilities so I never asked about them and my parents didn’t teach me about them.
My childhood happened in the nineties and was pretty much like this. There was zero knowledge about neurodevelopmental disorders, and disability in general was considered weird and scary.
We lived in a block of flats and my 'liberal and academic' parents straight up told me NOT to play with the girl from downstairs who had Downs 🤦
First time I asked a therapist if I might have ADHD, she told me it was flat out impossible because I “was smart and got good grades” 🙄
The stigma and ignorance around these things have real consequences!
@@msd7544 gosh this scares me so much, when i get a formal diagnosis for autism its gonna be so tough because im a “gifted” kid with straight A’s currently. 😒
I was diagnosed with ADD with hyperactivity (back in the day, before ADHD was even a thing) and my Mom stormed out of the Drs office saying "no damned Dr was going to call her child a retard" because I was gifted. Back then there weren't electronic records, so she just never included that Dr in my medical records and it 'went away'. The stigma of the older generation is so toxic.
@@msd7544 I can relate to that since some teachers and people I knew basically called me stupid and lazy for having adhd and it leads to so many self confidence issues with those with younger that have adhd (and we already don’t have enough confidence as it is).
I had a great-aunt growing up who was a polio survivor who required mobility aids full-time. I don't quite remember how my parents talked to me about it it when I was really little, but I do remember from a VERY young age keeping my eyes out for how people using wheelchairs, walkers, crutches, etc. could get around the various places I would go because the fact some people needed ramps, wide and clear hallways, etc. was very much in my mind.
I started the kid at 9-10 months old with “be careful of my boo-boo hand/back/whichever body part wasn’t cooperating” and he understood. I expanded it as he got older, but teeny kids can absolutely understand differences - disability or otherwise - very early. I have bright colored hair & a nose ring, my sisters have multiple tattoos, his grandfather and cousin are very tall, & hearing aids, canes, & walkers are no big deal. All those things are completely normalized for him as “some people are/have _____ and some aren’t/don’t”.
This video was the perfect break from writing my master's thesis on how disability is represented and taught about in early years settings in the UK. Children are amazing learners, and discriminatory behaviours are learnt, so lessons about inclusion and differences can never happen too soon.
Good luck with your thesis! 📣
@@dr.gwendolyncarter Thanks 😄
watching this as a disabled teen- this is great, I see so much ableism around me from people my age and it's so tiring to unteach people things they learned as kids.
Same here. I recently became disabled and have started to need mobility aids as a teen, and watching these videos is my way of both coping and learning about the community I now am a part of
ditto ...
i am so sick of teen my age bro they wont stop using ableist slurs + they judgy and impaient af over physical disability ...
When I was a teenager I was trying to educate my younger brother about disability by saying "You know how your friend has a hearing aid? They are helping him hear just like glasses help some of your friends see, they are just less common." His answer was "Well I guess it is less common." I realised then that educating is a skill and there are definitely pitfalls😅 He's a teenager now and I still try to talk to him about important things and give him education and perspective and it's still hit and miss. I definitely have some of this work to do before having my own child.
My son was bullied out of school because the adults refused to discipline the bully over and over. My son didn't deserve to be tortured daily just because he has autism. BTW love your dress, Jessica
I homeschool him now since they refused to keep him safe
I was in the same boat as a child and I wish it was different. (I wasn’t diagnosed until 17 tho and I’m also AFAB)
My child is autistic and non-binary. I appreciate this video so much! Our library had a list of books about neurodiversity so I ordered all the middle grade ones to our branch. My child loved Fifty-Four Things Wrong with Gwendolyn Rogers and asked to give copies to both the best and worst adults at school.
My mom is having some difficulty walking around due to a benign tumor in her knee. She loves to go on walks and hang out with her friends. She feels like a burden and that she should just pull up her bootstraps and deal with the pain. I am trying to convince her to get a wheelchair for when she needs it. She was raised in a time when you don't ask for help. Your videos have taught me so much about ways I can be better. Thank you.
We've had luck reminding friends and family members that getting a mobility device (or parking permit) doesn't mean you always have to use it, it means it's an option, when it would help you enjoy your day more, or help you save your energy for things that matter to you.
I don't doubt you "can" walk across the parking lot, but wouldn't it be more enjoyable to save your energy for spending time in the garden?
A cane is like a life jacket. On a good outing you probably won't need it. But if something goes just a little bit wrong, or unpredictable, it could save you from a very bad situation.
Think of a wheelchair like your washing machine. You don't need it. But the energy it saves you, and the time it allows you to spend doing things you enjoy because you're not exhausted from walking to the laudromat, or using a ringer washer, or lugging buckets from a creek...
I want you not to be in pain. You don't deserve to be tired and in pain from doing mundane things, and you shouldn't have to miss out on doing things you enjoy.
You can't rush their acceptance. But maybe some of these perspectives will help. And if multiple people who matter to them are making similar suggestions about wanting them to enjoy things as much as possible, using whatever tools they need - it might help.
I think this video almost single-handedly cured my internalised ableism. I’m starting sixth form in September and I was considering not using my mobility aids to avoid the awkward questions and explanations, but I want younger kids in the school to know that if they need mobility aids they aren’t alone. For any (current/future) parents in the comments, my personal opinion on people asking about what my disabilities are in public if we’re strangers is don’t ask, unless you have a little kid with you because I’m always up for explaining to them about disability and also I think they’re adorable.
The cerebral palsy centre near me growing up had a pool and ran swimming classes for mixed abilities. I learnt to swim there as a toddler. I think it was a great experience because at a very young age when pretty much every experience was something new I was meeting and playing with children very different abilities -and we where all little bobbing blobs in armbands once in the water anyway!
I also thought cerebral palsy was the name of the pool.
"My DNA left the factors with a missing piece and now my body and instruction manual don't match" is a fantastic intro!
And yes, this is a fantastic video! I hope many people see it!
I really appreciate this video. As a child, I was always scared to interact with disabled people. Scared I would say or do the wrong thing and offend people. It was only in my late teens when I realized I was disabled myself, and always had been, that I started to reach out to other disabled people. I realized there was nothing to be scared of, and that avoiding others with disabilities was harmful in its own way. I wish I was taught that as a kid, instead of needing to find that out when I finally recognized my own disability. I hope both kids and adults learn that for themselves in the future.
Love this ☺ I always felt very attacked by the 'Ten Little Fingers, Ten Little Toes' book, though. 😅 Great for inclusion of many other differences, but to unite all those differences under 'but everybody knows that every little baby has ten little fingers and ten little toes' just made me feel (as someone without those things) even more different and excluded. I get that all books can't be everything to everyone, of course, but I have vivid memories of that one! ❤ xx
This is such a great video, thank you. I’d add if you’re a newly disabled person (or person with disabilities) be aware of your own internalised ableism and/or disableism and accept your differences. Trying to be cured/fixed/normal before taking part in life again might mean missing out for decades because it’s not, as one GP suggested I should explain my predictably unpredictable body to very young nephews and nieces, being “just a bit poorly”. 💐💝
Totally agree with this, I had a lot of baggage to work through in the first few years of being sick
I've been watching Footless Jo, who has a below the knee amputee, for a few months and she mentioned that she had to overcome a mental hurdle before using a wheelchair
Disabled mum here. I've found saying "SOME people... Xyz" is super helpful. Especially as in the past my 4yo made some comments about how "everyone" was a certain way. Now she has picked up on it and she'll just observe things like "some people use a wheelchair" or "some people have two legs but not all people" or whatever. It's so simple but so effective. I feel like it's a great way to make a base level for learning about any sort of difference in future.
Hearing you say "I don't believe in bad children" has restored my faith in mankind by 1%.
When I was little I saw someone using a scooter to get around. Now I had seen wheelchairs, but the scooter just looked like a baby motorcycle. I asked about it because I couldn't understand how they could use their small motorcycle inside. My grandparents told me it was a scooter. Really didn't mean anything to me. So I went up to the Lady in the red scooter and told her it would look better with flames painted on the back 😊 She laughed and said it might help it go faster 😂
Ok, that's cute. And you really meant no harm by it!
Thanks so much for this! The idea of kids being "too young" to learn about disability when like....I'm disabled from a birth injury, I didn't have a choice in not learning. People are never "too young" to be disabled (except people have told me I'm too young to be lol) so why is there this age limit on learning about it... It would have been amazing to have young peers who understood ableism and disability, and for me to have a more concrete understanding. Kids are smarter than people may give them credit for. Honestly I experience more ableism from adults.
In terms of the Identity First vs Person First language, Im currently in the middle of being assessed for Autism, and I much prefer saying autistic rather than "has/with autism" because PF makes it sound like an accessory rather that something that is basically the very fabric of my being, and what makes me the person I am.
Personally I prefer person first language because for me it’s just something I happen to have. Like how I happen to have blonde hair, or blue eyes, or straight hair. I’m a person with blue eyes, not a blue eyes person. Identity first makes it feel like that’s my whole identity to me but there’s more to me than just that. But that’s just my personal preference and how I choose to refer to myself. It’s interesting how it can vary a lot from person to person.
It's interesting hearing why other people have a prefrence. I have autism too, but i never cared about the difference in weather i have autism or am autistic, it just feel's like different ways of saying the same thing to me.
@@rachelcookie321 It might depend on the disability on top of personal preferences. That extra bit of context might make a difference in how people prefer to present it. Being autistic versus uses a wheelchair as an example off the top of my head.
@@DoveJS I’m actually diagnosed with autism so it’s the same as the original commenter.
@@rachelcookie321 NP! I was just adding my thoughts; not saying you're wrong. Obviously as you've noted it does vary within the same disability because your preference is different from OPs.
i grew up around disabled people, mostly bc my school had a DHH program. i'm grateful my teachers were very clear and kind talking about disability. being comfortable around mobility aids seems to be a "skill" when it should be a fact of life. it's also made it much easier to come to terms with my own disabilities now.
All my little family (me, partner and 2 sons) have high functioning Autism. When my eldest started school, we got a book called “all cats have Aspergers” (this was before it was decided Aspergers was a bad word) it is a fabulous picture book that helps very young children understand about autism. But my sons still had bullying. Because other parents didn’t teach their children to be understanding 😢 I am a wheelchair user too, so my boys were asked a little about my wheels….I used humour to help youngsters understand xx
I have a learning disability and I had a coworker make fun of me because I was getting overstimulated with the loud music and trying to help patients/customers at the same time. I had to explain to him why that happens to me and then he seemed to understand.
It's probably quite helpful for the siblings of disabled kids too. My brother is autistic and growing up I always had to field questions about why my brother was acting a certain way or what austism is, even though I didn't fully understand it myself. I once explained it to some people at school as, "he doesn't really get jokes" because that's some random thing I'd picked up on. 😆
To me, he was just my brother and those were things he did - I always knew about his diagnoses, but I didn't necessarily understand what that meant. In a similar vein, I knew that he couldn't eat certain foods because they made him feel unwell, but I wouldn't have been to explain to someone else why.
Basically, I wish that the wider world at the time would have understood more about autism and neurodiversity in general, because it would have made life easier for both my brother and me. Hopefully, future generations have a better awareness and understanding growing up than mine did.
Honestly, I wish people would just come up and ask me why I use a mobility aid instead of staring. I would feel soooo much more comfortable that way!
9:55 i also like to let my kids know, not everyone has the same home life. That can also have an effect on how children react or behave. ❤️
Every five seconds or so when watching this video, I am struck by how VITAL this vid truly is! Thank you so much for taking the time (and energy) to make it - and happy EDS Awareness Month from a fellow zebra ✨
My MH therapist has a whiteboard, I enjoyed this one message in particular. "I am a complex and amazing mix of meat and electricity."
Also never argue with someone if they are referring to themselves if they use disabled person vs person with a disability regardless on your personal stance. I have been called ableist for calling *myself* disabled because "it's insulting to people with diffabilities". Differently abled is bad enough, diffability needs to be yeeted into a black hole. And specially abled is just 🤮. There is absolutely nothing special about being in pain all day every day. To be clear not every disabled person is in pain all the time, but I am.
I cannot do this thing. I am disabled. I will not be able to do this thing ever. Please stop praying over me. Please stop using different words and smiling at me. You didn't cure me or make my life any better. All you're doing is indicating you find the fact I'm breathing so shameful that you had to find "prettier words" to call me because you don't want to face the truth that my life may be more difficult and the scientific community will not be getting funding to help cure me or, at the very least, getting around to making it more comfortable.
If you can see me in your mind smiling really big due to sarcasm and the talks with many, many soccer moms who have Autism Speaks on their bumper stickers, you got your mental image alright.
My gf has eds and I have joint hypermobility which causes similar symptoms joint wise. We have gotten SO good at putting each other's joints back in place.
Thank you so much for this video. My daughter is almost four and definitely noticing people with, for example, mobility aids in public. I will thank Daniel Tiger and my local library for setting the stage, for exposing her to characters with a variety of disabilities. So I can relate back what she’s seeing to something she already knows. I always admit I don’t know for sure why someone might be, for example, using a cane, but I say, it helps them walk. She obviously follows that up with, why? Cause she’s a kid and that’s what they do. 😅 I say, maybe they hurt their foot, maybe walking hurts, or maybe they need help with their balance. I really hope if they over hear me that they aren’t offended by my maybes. But I definitely try and answer her questions fully and neutrally.
i don't speak for all disabled people, but as someone who alternately uses a cane and wheelchair, i would greatly appreciate that answer! for me personally, i'd rather overhear the "maybe"'s than be expected to educate someone myself, and the explanation of possibilities teaches your daughter about a greater range of disabled experiences than my answer (fatigue, balance) would.
The Maybe game is something I play regularly with my almost 4 year old every morning on our walk to daycare but we play it about everything. Why did they run out of the apartment building like that? Why are they wearing a coat when it’s hot? Why is the Mummy in that apartment yelling? I love it because I feel it gets her to understand that there can be a lot of reasons and things going on it people’s lives. Good things, neutral things and bad things.
Sounds great, the question she might really be asking is "what are canes used for" and not so much "why is that person specifically using a cane". Makes it easier to answer them that way
As someone from the US I prefer the person first language approach. I don't like using the words "disabled" and "handicapped" to talk about myself. ALWAYS ASK the person what language they want you to use around them. Yeah, I also can't stand the "insporation porn" and other random ignorant comments from people. Thank you for making this video.
As a mom of two on the spectrum and having fibromyalgia myself, thank you of the comment of "talk to them about other things unrelated too". I get real sick of talking or thinking about it sometimes and just want to feel like everyone else.
The main thing I get told (and I'm certain it's said with the best intentions) is: 'Hope you feel better/get all better/recover soon!' 🙄😳🤣
Oh I hate that! So many people can’t seem to comprehend that for many of us there’s never going to be a better day. And it sucks. Living knowing that - sucks as much as the fact of it too. And every time someone says it , it grates a bit more.
I used to absolutely hate being stared at by kids when I was younger, but what was far worse was whenever I'd hear them ask their parents a question only to be shouted at for 'being rude', before being dragged away. I get that it's awkward and I don't have all the answers, but stop getting angry at kids for being curious.
If you are looking for a book recommendation, "Just Like You" by Marilyn Joy Anderson was written by a woman with a limb difference about a young girl who happens to only have one hand. A great "own voice" children's book in the subject of disability.
Thank you for this it not teaching children but teaching adults too invisible disability get scrutinize because people don’t believe me. I don’t have a scull and have balance issue taking the bus I can’t stand on the bus on the outside I look topical normal I need a seat get real be compassionately. I fell on the sidewalk laying there 20’people walked pass me not asking if I am ok do I need help or need an ambulance get real omg the amount we teach I don’t know how to change people
15:00 A reaction to that that I personally love and often use for my own disability if I don't want to get into detail because reasons is: "There are several reasons why people can use .... for example.... ." You could follow it up with something along the line of: "I don't know why this person is using ...." Or with: "It is not polite to ask them about their condition though." Or something else. In my case this looks like: "There are several reasons why people could use a Service dog/Medical Allert dog like epilepsy, diabetes, PTSD and POTS." If I feel save enough I will follow it up with: "Not everyone likes to share their medical conditions though. So please keep that in mind."
As a chronic condition sufferer who sometimes needs a cane and teaches kids, I have always wondered how to teach them about me. This is so helpful! Thank you!
One book on your list surprised me. It's called Ten Little Fingers and Ten Little Toes. It says that whatever other differences they have, each baby has ten little fingers & ten little toes. It's a lovely idea - that all people have some basic things in common with each other. But in fact, many people do not have ten fingers and ten toes. So while it is generally inclusive, it is not specifically disability inclusive.
Great video. Even though I’m disabled I definitely learned something. I also realized I need to be better about enforcing my boundaries with regards to the labor I do for others when explaining my disability
I work as a carer and one time when me and the woman I was working for was out shopping we met a child who was completely amazed at her electrical wheelchair. He was like "does it have an engine??" And when she said yes he was overjoyed 😁
The idea that children cannot be disabled reminds me of how doctors used to think babies didn't feel pain and operated on them without anaesthesia. Yeesh
Living in a city with two kids has made me very thankful that they have always approached difference from a place of curiosity and not fear or disgust. When they were really little, they seemed to see visible disabilities as an extension of the variety they saw everyday and were equally curious about people with fantasy hair colors as they were about people with automated wheel chairs. I am incredibly thankful for the people who were willing to answer my daughter's questions about how their devices work, because she's really just interested in the tech. As the parent, I've noticed that my kids look to me to see what my reactions to the people around us/our environment is and then their behavior changes. So to any parent who has been troubled by their child's reaction to people with visible differences, I would suggest analyzing your feelings and behavior. It may not be a conscious thing and I'm not suggesting you're behaving in an obviously inappropriate way, but your children will pick up on your unspoken subtle messages and magnify them.
Book Recs for ages 5+:
Just Ask: Be Brave, Be Different, Be You by Sonia Sotomayor is a lovely book about a group of children building a garden together and how all the children have differences and what they (those differences) look and feel like. Justice Sotomayor wrote this book because of her experiences growing up with Type 1 Diabetes.
People by Peter Spiers is one from my childhood that gets periodic updates to make sure all the information is current. It has illustrations showing different people and cultures, writing, body parts, ways of dress, etc. It's very matter of fact and it introduces children to the sheer variety of human experience so they're never without a frame of reference. One thing that I love is that it makes the point that every person is trying to look beautiful and feel beautiful, but that different cultures have different ideas on what that is.
All Are Welcome by Alexandra Penfold shows children of different backgrounds, abilities, races, and ethnicities going to school and forming a community. The author has other books about difficult feelings and forming a neighborhood that have been critically praised.
It Feels Good to be Yourself by Theresa Thorn is about gender identity and presentation that I think is important for all children to have read so they can get some tools to understand themselves and others and how to accept themselves and others. It also takes the mystery away from gender.
Omg Jessica. Could you make a video about how to teach kids about the LGBTQ community?
My boyfriend is very straight and sadly not at all lgbtq-educated (« no problem for your friends but not my kids » type of thing). But I want my kids to grow up feeling free to be whoever they want to be, welcoming to everyone, and supported in all their decisions.
Would you have any pointers on books, parenting philosophies, other RUclips content that give pointers on how to express gender equality and freedom to children ? I would love to have pointers to start preparing my bf on how to raise kids with this philosophy :)
(Of course that’s something I could read up on my own, it I don’t plan on having kids in the next few years, so I’m looking for beginners tips only haha)
Jessica can explain a lot of things about the LGBTQ community but it seems like nobody can seem to explain or even bring up what it is to be asexual I grew up never knowing the word for it but anyway I didn’t belong I knew I wasn’t gay because I wasn’t interested in other women But I also knew I wasn’t really heterosexual as such but I didn’t have a terminology for it and you had to belong to some group when you are asexual you’re forced into a corner. At least you were nice for me. That’s it till the 2000s you kind of forced into a group, and that meant you were either heterosexual bisexual homosexual in someway could be lesbian to like is it in someway nobody ever brought up a sexual nobody ever use the term asexual that I can remember ever hearing so you have to choose where you belong and if you don’t sit in because you never dated And you’re being accused of being gay you might find it more comfortable to say sure I’m gay, even if you’re not why because you have to be long summer and when you’re asexual, it becomes a lot harder to belong somewhere at least it was my time growing up in the 80s and even before that Not the being gay was any easier but at least it was a word for it so I wonder sometimes how many asexual‘s identify themselves is gay because they knew they weren’t heterosexual, but they also knew they weren’t interested so there’s an excuse like they don’t have time or they’re too busy or any one of the number of things you can fill in the blank with to say that you just aren’t interested in dating That most people don’t catch on to because they don’t want to catch on once you belong to a group this soon that’s the important part the assumption at least it was back then now things are more often they have a name for what we are. they called us asexual and I had to learn the terminology From the TV program called legends of tomorrow about superheroes. There’s a scene where one of the characters is talking to another character and she comes up with this whole thing and she explains she’s not interested and do the characters is 00 you’re asexual that’s what you are. She explains her what asexual means and she’s like she laughs just like yeah I didn’t know there was a word for it, that’s a story of my life in a nutshell. So yeah, Jessica can explain beautifully about gay, trans etc. she can explain it very well but if you really want to get your boyfriend or whatever to understand you might have to do it I did with my husband bear in mind back then And being in a religious community unless you knew you were gay you didn’t really have much choices so explain to My then fiancé who is going to become my husband that his nephew was really more of a niece. Well I thought he was gay I wasn’t certain if he was trans but I definitely was gay. At least that’s what he came office later on I found out he was transsexual and, I had was able to talk to him like you he was older so I could talk to him one on one sort of thing, but at the time when I figured out that he was definitely not interested in women and that way she was about 13 or 14 all the young ladies were hanging around him like peas on a honey pot, but he wasn’t looking at any of them. He was looking at another young man And I had to try to explain to my husband who is homophobic that his nephew wasn’t interested in any of those young ladies, and that he was very I use the term effeminate because I had no other term at the time to explain it to him and he’s a lot older than me Technically he could be my father technically so imagine how hard it is to explain to somebody of the 50s you know somebody to this day and age is almost 70 and at the time he was in his late 30s going on 40 almost going on 40 people looked at me and went by America channel guy time my only answer was well I didn’t really have an answer. Seemed like a good idea at the time was anything that came to mind her and in a religious community that’s pretty much where your left at if you don’t wanna marry when you’re 18 and you’ve left it to be in your 20s, it took me a long time to get him used to the idea that there’s nothing wrong with this and the fact that scientists are proven that 97% of all gay and some trans gender people as well carry a little bit extra on their Y chromosome, and this more than anything else Means that there is more than it’s more than a Y it’s more closer related to an X, which might explain Why they’re gay. It might be something in their jeans some thing on a little bit of whatever on the X chromosome well technically it’s not an ex it’s a Y that you get the idea that little piece that’s left over and women it might be something on the X chromosome we don’t know enough that’s the truth, but it might be genetic and if it is so white, I’ve seen cats that are gay I’ve seen birds that are gay, and when I say gay I mean just that it’s normal and far more normal than humans like to admit to, but it may take him a while to get used to that idea and it took my husband three years for years until he got comfortable enough with the idea that if science says it, and Judaism says, if science technically says it in a person is born that way And it can’t be changed genetically can’t be changed. I either born that way like somebody being born with blonde hair and nobody can help how they’re born how they were created if they can’t help how they were created, you might as well glory in it, because love is a wonderful thing whenever you can find it.
It sounds like this isn’t an issue with teaching your future kids, but with your boyfriend being homophobic. Ask yourself, do you want to have children with someone who would reject them for being who they are?
I think you need to ask your boyfriend to watch this video first and see if he understood it and really cared enough to pay attention. Just get a feel for how he responded to the subject of disabilities and really talk about it with him because this one is very important too. (And like, we're all at different levels here; it'd be good to get a feel for where he's at rn if you don't already know.) Then if that seems to go pretty well, ask him "so, what if the topic of this video was about LGBTQA+ people? What do you think she'd talk about in that one? She's married to a woman so she's also got some deep insight into that."
It could be interesting seeing what you both come up with! But if your boyfriend can't do it, not on purpose but he seems unwilling or flummoxed by that revelation, maybe don't fault him for it, maybe he would come around if she had a video dedicated to that, but if he can't come up with anything and seems really narrow-minded still, maybe he's also not the guy you should have kids with if you want your kids to feel supported because even though you're doing your best, he'd inadvertently be acting against you.
Like just imagine for a second if Jessica was actually your friend and then imagine if you had a child who was in her position, disabled and LGBTQA+ and imagine the intersectionality of having to deal with that as his child with him approaching it as "well, Jessica is okay but my child better not be like HER." That's pretty traumatic...
It's possible he could come around, people change and grow all the time, often for the best (sometimes for the worst) but the reason I suggest this is because the points in this video could easily be applied to the LGBTQA+ community on the whole as well IMHO... Pretty much the same advice. So I would recommend going from there for now!
Get age-appropriate books on the topic of LGBTQA+ (edit: and yes I do realize you might need a book delving into certain areas a little more than others, like trans could be an entire picture book), don't wait until they're older or you meet someone to bring it up, don't expect LGBTQA+ peeps to do all the work but don't be afraid to ask them if they'd like to weigh in, and just show how differences aren't automatically bad because we all have them... and similarities too of course! The older they are when the kids learn, the more stigmatizing it can be since that gives malicious or thoughtless people a chance to butt in first, especially since LGBTQA+ can also sometimes be less visible, much like invisible disabilities. It's just how that person is. I mean, I get that you're asking for specific books for kids to learn from and parenting books etc I'm just saying you can kinda follow the same points of this video very easily, and if no one gives suggestions here, you can probably find some book recommendations from Amazon or Good Reads reviews. Maybe even google it because I'm sure someone has created at least one list already! And remember, you can learn from the children's books too and there's no shame in that.
But also, if you want the kids to feel supported, how he responds to disabilities is pretty important too and at least you know there's already a video with advice for disabilities! And you can test the waters this way and kinda figure out how to proceed from there, which is why I suggested it. I mean, you might have been planning to show this video to him already. I'm just trying to help with how you can use it to branch out into this subject as well in the mean time! I do think it's a good idea for another video; these are just my thoughts. Peace! 😊
I'm not trying to be an asshole, but I have to question if having kids with a man who's love for those children is conditional is a good idea? I just can't imagine ever consider bringing kids into the world with someone who isn't prepared to love them no matter what.
I think before tackling how to raise children to be supportive of LGBTQ+ stuff, you should probably tackle teaching or guiding your boyfriend on how to be supportive of it. It's far more relevant at the moment, and a welcoming parent is the first step to raising a welcoming child
I'm going to a 1 y/o birthday party this weekend and was just scrolling through your shorts yesterday looking for book suggestions! Thank you for providing these resources!
This video made me cry a bit. My oldest is Autistic and has significant challenges in communication and social situations. As the parent of a disabled child it is exhausting to always have to explain my child’s situation whenever something unexpected happens (especially since my child stims a lot).
I love your emphasis on this video on what everyone can do to be a better part of their communities- that collective responsibility to care for one another, even in the most casual ways.
Back in the 90s we had a copy of Where's Chimpy? by Berniece Rabe. The girl in the story has Down's Syndrome but the story is about her missing toy monkey and where it could possibly be. I don't know if it is still in print. The illustrations were photographs so I guess it would look a little dated now. Fun story though.
I'm a teacher and I work in a small school with a lot of neurodiverse kids. I'm also from South Africa and SASL is now an official language so I had the idea to have a sign language themed week with them and teach them at least basic greetings and open it up as an idea. What do you all think?
I think that would be marvelous!
Greetings from Finland 🇫🇮 (our flag)
That's so cool and I wish that SASL be implemented in more schools in South Africa. Btw I'm also South African.
People will act like you can't aquire a disability one day. If don't prepare your kids for the world, the world may hit the really hard
Our blind cat helps us to open this conversation with our kids. I think watching him navigate his world in his own way has helped them understand a bit more. They do feel bad for him sometimes and we remind them that he's never had eyes and he seems to be okay with that.
I'm 20 and still remember the books I had before I could read. Looking back, they were some very problematic ones. I wish I had books like the ones you are recommending and learned some of the things I had to teach myself after turning 18 from books at a much younger age. Anyways, all that to say books do make a difference and leave their mark!
I don't have kids but found this very helpful still, bc it shows some ways we talk and think about disability and how else we could talk and think about it. It even made me think about how I frame my own medical stuff, or how I let others frame it without a second thought.
Lol it's also lupus awareness month. I feel conflicted about telling my nibblings about my disability when grown ups can't even wrap their minds around how I can be sick but "not look sick"
If they're introduced to it early, they might have an easier time wrapping their heads around it.
(Edited for spelling)
I've been working on that too. My 5 year old niece doesn't get it but the 9 year old understands a bit more.
holy fuck would it have been nice if education, awareness and acceptance were more widespread back when I was younger in 2010. prolly wouldn't have had to go through middle and high school fearful that if I ever told someone I was on the autism spectrum, then everyone would hate me. would've been nice if I actually felt comfortable talking with the teachers and staff about my disability so I could actually seek out my needs instead of being scolded for breaking the "no headphones in the lunchroom" rule because I needed some way to cope with all the noise
that would've been nice
This is a lovely, helpful video, Jessica. Thank you for making it. I hope you’re having more good days than bad ones. 🎀💖🎀
Thank you for making this video!
As a non-disabled person, regarding language, I use both identity first and person-first language. The key to identity-first language is that different people have different identities/relationships with their condition (even between two people with the same condition/community). I cannot know what someone's identity is prior to getting to know them. Therefore, when I am speaking generally about disability or someone I don't know, I always use person first language which is rather neutral. Once I know how someone identifies and how they like to be referred to, I always use their language in reference to them, be that person-first or identity-first language.
I think until you know, person first language is much more respectful as a standard. I think that disabled people, in reference to themselves, should choose whatever makes them most comfortable regardless of what anyone around them likes, and feel empowered to ask others to refer to them in that way. If your name is Elisabeth and you hate being called 'Lizzy,' it's okay to correct people who refer to you as 'Lizzy.' This is the same thing. Anyone who responds poorly or doesn't respect your request is probably not a respectful person in general, and that's not bad information to have.
I'm a few years away from having children of my own, but I'm really looking forward to having Jessica's own books to share with them, I'm sure hers will be thoughtful kind and educational!
I love this advice! I've been trying to be up-front about my limitations with my niece and nephew since they were born, and the only thing that's really bothered them is when I can't eat what they're eating. I totally understand their concern! They saw me using a cane for the first time this week, and I expected a ton of questions. The almost three-year-old didn't bat an eye, and the almost six-year-old asked why I was using that thing, and was completely satisfied by my answer that it helps me to avoid falling and to not get so tired. Not another peep about it! They will do well with disabled classmates.
I wish I could like this a million times. I’d only add that local general culture on the person first debate doesn’t determine how individuals feel. So pay attention to whether someone introduces themselves as a “deaf person” or a “person with autism” and follow their lead.
I'd prefer for people to ask "can I ask you a question *about your disability/[mobility aid]* "
"can I ask you a question?" could be "do you know what time it is?" "please could you give me change for £2 so I can use the public toilet?" "is this the right side of the road to get the bus to [location]?"
There are a lot of normal questions a stranger might ask that I would be okay with answering on a day when I don't want to talk about my disabilities.
Thank you for this. I have had a hard time figuring out how to get my toddler to stop asking people “what happened” when he sees something different on someone. I have told him people all have different bodies and some people need things to help them do things.
I don't know if it's because I grew up in such a tiny, rural community, but disabilities were never really seen as strange where I grew up? But almost everyone had known each other their whole lives, we all lived in fairly close proximity, and a lot of people worked in agriculture or manual labour, so quite a few people had been in work accidents. Our school was tiny and there were two small rooms where the kids who needed it would get extra classes. We were all just jealous that they could go to their own, special classes sometimes and that they occasionally got lollipops. 😅 Which I think goes to show that if they're familiar with disabled people and the people around don't act negatively about disabilities, then kids don't really care much and will find it all very normal.
Thank you for this, despite being disabled myself I needed to be told to teach my kids to not fear disability. My disability was "acquired" (autoimmune that I probably had a genetic predisposition to but that kicked in very suddenly, harshly, and completely, uprooting my entire life) when I was a 36-year-old single mom of kids age 12 and 9. Because it so thoroughly flipped our old life on its head - I was a full-time science teacher and loved adventurous and physical activities, so we would go hiking, camping, biking, etc all the time. Becoming disabled turned ALL our lives upside down- no more of that fun active stuff, no more working at all, etc, and thus...we all pretty much hate it. My youngest, now 15, has developed major depression & anxiety, and my disability is at the top of his list of stressors.
So since my disability was a devastating shock that I'm still not great at coping with myself (with little support or extended family, and I live in a conservative state in the US so it's not like supportive laws and policies are ever being passed), of course my kids have a hard time coping. They also were kinda thrust into becoming defacto caregivers, fetching and carrying things for me and such. (US= no universal healthcare, we're rather poor, it's not like I can hire help.)
OF COURSE all that would give them a negative and sad view of disability, and it's quite possible that they may feel negatively toward others with disabilities because of me and these experiences. People around me always told me that because my kids have had to experience this and help me, they'll be really compassionate. Instead, they are resentful.. though they do try to still help with the things I ask them to.
Ugh, do I have the spoons to add more things to attempt to teach my children that I should've taught them forever ago and I feel it's "too late" now that they're teenagers?
I've had to VERY SLOWLY grieve and let go of so many parts of my "past self" due to my lack of ability and proper treatment now, but I haven't paid much attention to my kids' grieving process or any of THEIR emotional journey throughout this, and I have definitely also not made very clear that they shouldn't be afraid or patronizing or pitying or whatever their gut reactions may now be of others with disabilities.
Ugh, that was a ramble, but I suppose since I didn't comment right when the video came out, no one will read my comment anyway! haha
❤
I read it! Don't blame yourself for not teaching your kids while you were (are) processing yourself. We do what we can with the information we have at a given point in time (this is something Mama Doctor Jones says in her I didn't know I was pregnant videos, and I think it applies to so many things in life!) And also, I don't think it's too late to talk to your children about disability now and how it's not something to resent for everyone. But for your children's experience and what caused them to resent it: they will probably be very understanding of other individuals struggling with a new disabling diagnosis - which might be different from people that were born disabled. I wish you (and your familiy) strength to help you in any upcoming situations where you need it ❤
18:13 I mean, I think it kind of is. In as much as I think it's both the parents' and the school's responsibilities to teach about a wide range of subjects. It being the parents' responsibility doesn't stop it also being the school's responsibility, and vise versa. Both are responsible for teaching that child.
In a similar vein as not liking the term "differently abled" or "handicapable" as it shys away from acknowleging disability amd euphamizes it, i also REALLY hate when people use the phrase "on the spectrum" to describe autistic people because it feels like the person saying it is too afraid to offend someone by calling them autistic. But being autistic is not a bad thing! It makes me cringe so much because im proudly autistic and being able to openly talk about my autism has really helped me feel comfortable in my own experiences and being a little bit different from other people as well as asking for accomidations when i need them. Using a phrase like "on the spectrum" washes over all that.
Another reason i hate it is because its so vague "on the spectrum" could refer to literally any spectrum and there are soooo many spectrums involved in the human experience from gender to height to favorite color to levels of extravertedness to emotional intelegence to a pain tolerance to hair texture to chocolate prefereces. Every person is on some sort of spectrum! The irony of that is such a vauge euphamistic phrase is not autism friendly because its confusing!
I rarely other hear autistic people refer to themselves as "on the spectrum" and i never call myself that. I say im autistic. (I like both person first and identity first language but i personally perfer identity first for my autism because its something that effects my entire perception of reality so it is very inseperable from who i am as a person and person first can make it feel like its trying to separate my personhood from my autism). Its often friends and family of an autistic person who can't speak who use the phrase "on the spectrum".
Thank you, Jessica, so much for the book list! I recently became a mom to a 1 month old baby and I've made a point of adding reading to our bedtime ritual at week 1 so it's very useful for me to have knowledge of books about disabled people. We have a lot of trouble getting those books from family and even friends
I love this video so much. Thank you for trying to make this clear for people. I saw way too many comments that basically said “I can’t teach my child everything about everything so therefore you can’t get mad at me for not making any effort at all” on the last time you tried to bring this up, when that wasn’t the point at all. Children are curious, and we need to be ready for it!
This is brilliant, Jessica! Thank you so much for providing such clear education about how to teach children about disabilities!
My parents had a great answer when little-kid me was asking for knowable information: “It’s just an is.”
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING THIS ! Exactly at the time i need it :). I'm working on a project about hidden disabilities/ wheelchair users (children's book) for my portfolio. I have experience with cronic pain and illnes, have some disabled friends but am still on reaserch part if the proces. I'm pretty anxious about making the book (even if it's just fir my portfolio and not going to be published) and your video is helping. I plan on contacting a disability organisation soon for extra tips.
This video just blew me away! It was incredibly informational and insightful. Everyone should watch and learn from this, not just parents.
🥰🥰🥰
I have epilepsy. One time I had a “bad seizure” ( not the absent seizure but the one that people have when they think of seizure just don’t know what they’re called) and freaked out a poor child. When I came back I told the child that basically my body just had a small malfunction but now I’m okay. It calmed them down instantly.
Firstly: A book I have not yet had chance to read and does come from the parent of a disabled child vs actually disabled person is ABC of inclusivity. I like that each child is in there in that order due to their name, not their condition, so Cooper, who is Deaf, is the entry for C, not D.
Secondly: I didn't even know things like autism or dyslexia existed for way too long. I was told I had aspergers aged 12 but nobody explained what exactly it meant or that it is part of Autism (I much prefer ASD now) and it was a classmate in college who told me they were dyslexic, and then I found more and more of my friends were dyslexic. I didn't even know it existed and then suddenly I find out it's super common? I think that was my first experience with hidden disability (I didn't learn more about autism until I was about 23-25)
"Mommy Beeps" is a fun kids book about Type 1 Diabetes.
I used to refer to power chairs & mobility scooters as prams with motors when kido was 2-3yo. "That pram has a motor, I have to push you up the ramp" I got some weird looks but it was a concept that he could understand.
The Pantone book about diversity is pretty neat, because it clearly shows that "colour" doesn't have much to do with identity, and how there's people of all different shades who literally have every configuration of features. It's specifically about racial diversity, but I think it does an amazing job showing that three people with the same exact colouration can come from completely different parts of the world and there's no inherent "this range of colours is better". Idk, I thought it was really good.
For blindness, I highly recommend Pedro the Octopus, which is written by a Blind author about a little blind boy going to the beach with his family. It has both print and braille in the pages which is a great opportunity to teach young kids about braille, and it also has beautiful tactile graphics, to help kids understand how a blind person might interact with pictures by touch using tactile graphics.
I also highly recommend the Oscar and Klaus books about a blind cat and his cited cat brother going on adventures. These books were written by cited authors, but they did a lot of collaboration with a Blind community and won various awards from Blindness organizations for their portrayal, so they’re pretty reputable. They don’t have tactile graphics, but they do have braille, and they do a good job explaining how a blind person might interact with scenery and technology and what kind of things they might notice first.
I really wish more people would be more open and inclusive. In a general sense most people either don't care or just don't think about it. Until they or someone close ends up becoming disabled. Which is sad. There really needs to be more care and understanding in the world. We can start with our own tiny humans. But sometimes it just really feels like a drop in a vast ocean.
Great points on this video!
I'm looking forward to ordering some of the books from the library for my kiddo and reading them with him.
If anyone can recommend child focused BSL videos I'd love to know where I can find them. I'm wanting to learn it with my child.
Thank you for this! I remember being undereducated as a kid & not knowing how to react to people who were different in that way. When I have my own children I want them to be kind and accepting towards everyone, no matter what differences.
“Bodies Are Cool” by Tyler Feder is one of our favorites.
Also, “Families Can” by Dan Saks.
I think this is officially my favourite video you’ve done so far. Thank you for so roundedly and articulately sharing such an important message. I have EDS too and a sister with developmental disabilities so this is something am passionate about. But now i have something I can share with people so thank you so so much
This was so informative! Thank you!
It seems like you are feeling better. I hope you are.
I love how you address that "disabled" apparently is a bad thing. I have ADHD and I cringe so hard when someone says "my brain just works a bit differently". Ok sure but I do feel like it's OK to say that it's a disability. I am not able to do several things as easily/ commonly as some other people. And that's fine. The whole "my brain works a bit differently" feels like it's sugarcoating the times when I get meltdowns over the sheer mental tiredness, or when I cannot get anything done in a day if my life depended on it. It feels invalidating tbh and it's not helping anyone.
i thought, if my son asks... wouldnt it be rather easy to understand for small children what it is like to sit in a wheeled contraption to get moved around? :D. I mean they needed a stroller and maybe they can relate rather well :). "do you remember the stroller helping us to move you around? like that"
i am learning sign language currently...honestly just because i was interested and it is very much fun. if you think "what language could i learn?" that is a cool one!
I'm not disabled nor will I ever have children but Jessica is so articulate and fascinating I can't help but watch every video 🤧
This needs to be shared by everyone Jessica, wonderful subject that everyone should know! Thank you for explaining things at every level as well, I'm disabled and even I was thinking "Yes, she's right about that!" or "I never thought about that." 🥰
My 10 year old asks why does x have/need/look like that? He is autistic as well, so we know he thinks differently and we explain in a way he understands. We will sometimes say that the instructions got a little mixed up when they were being made in the mummy or there might have been an accident, then he tries to let his imagination run wild with what could have happened to that person.
My uncle had spina bifida and I remember being scared of him because he rolled his head. His physicality was never discussed with us and I think it would have been kinder, fairer, and more inclusive if we’d been told as young children what was going on and why he was different. This feeling did fade as I grew older and I remember the time I shared with my uncle fondly.
Lovely video and on a note of further inclusion, each mention of empathy could probably be more accurately replaced with compassion. Speaking from an autistic perspective, not everyone experiences empathy. Some ppl just naturally have little to no empathy, or inconsistent and fluctuating levels of empathy. It's just how our brains are wired so empathy isn't really a choice but actively choosing to care in the form of compassion absolutely is.
This video is amazing. So much actionable advice.
It was so good!!!
I’m an aunt, not a parent, but I do my best to normalize all bodies when they’re with me. I hope it makes a difference.
You really did a fantastic, informational video here Jessica!!
Thank you for this video! ❤ I wore hearing aids since early childhood and I agree with what you said. Everyone should learn from this video since it’s on point. 😊