Depression and Rage: When Anger Masks Childhood Trauma
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- Опубликовано: 19 май 2024
- Dr. Tracey Marks explores the complex relationship between depression, childhood trauma, and anger in adults. This video sheds light on how childhood neglect can lead to intense anger later in life and offers insights into recognizing and managing these emotions. It also discusses practical self-help strategies, including acceptance and commitment therapy, for those seeking to heal from childhood trauma.
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References for this video
Anger in Adults a Red Flag for Childhood Trauma - Medscape - Apr 05, 2023.
Win, Emma et al. “Trait anger expression mediates childhood trauma predicting for adulthood anxiety, depressive, and alcohol use disorders.” Journal of affective disorders vol. 288 (2021): 114-121. doi:10.1016/j.jad.2021.03.086
Sanghvi, Drishti E et al. “Trait self-acceptance mediates parental childhood abuse predicting depression and anxiety symptoms in adulthood.” Journal of anxiety disorders vol. 94 (2023): 102673. doi:10.1016/j.janxdis.2023.102673
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It was so healing for me to see that there is a difference between someone who uses anger to manipulate and control, and someone who experiences it because of childhood trauma. I thought for most of my life that I was the former, and a monster, but I am definitely the latter, a broken person who doesn’t know how to regulate themselves. I’m gonna do what I can to heal and get this under control.
Same here
I can absolutely relate to this! Same.
Same here ❤ May we heal.
Same
Same and my wife left today sadly
Hygiene neglect can make a child a target for some of the most severe modalities of bullying
Social trauma is almost guaranteed to follow it
I understand 100%. Im a clean freak whit my body & clothing now. I when thru so much trauma but to be neglected to the point where we neglect our own self has a child and Young teenager is horrible. When a child is hygiène neglected he almost 100% is going thru a lot of other form of neglecting & abuse. Stay strong & stand strong.
Definitely agree 👍🏿
Yes, I actually heard of a story of a boy who was bullied do to his parents neglecting his hygiene it’s very sad and heartbreaking :(
I think educational neglect can include a parent finding out the child tests well and is “smart,” so they put pressure on the child with their expectations but don’t do anything to help or teach them. I was a kid who was super solitary and quiet, but I did well in school and was put in special programs. But I have no memories of anyone teaching me how to study, how to do anything, really. I was left to figure things out for myself, which I guess gave me that skill, but when I didn’t understand something in school (like taking algebra over and over because certain things didn’t click), I wasn’t able to ask for help because I didn’t think I was ALLOWED to. When my therapist asked me how problems were handled in my family, like if I had a problem and went to my parents for help… I was like “wait…what? I don’t know what that means.” That was when I realized I had missed out on a LOT of parenting.
This sounds almost relatable maybe.
I expirenced educational neglect but the teachers I had growing up were part of the problem. They didn’t give emotional support to me and actually resulted in mistreatment. I learned that my struggles were problematic and that it was an inconvenience. This went on even to college with the same issue happening again. A lot of adults in education seem to hide behind being an educator and lack emotional intleligence and maturity. It made me lose respect towards a lot of them and most of them would argue they are learning themselves when in reality they don’t want to know better and do better but students should before them.
That’s called learning disability
Your story resonated with me. I feel clueless about life, and I feel missing opportunity through growing in life because my unawareness/ignorance because lack of guidance and neglect. I am feel lonely all in my life. I am feel sad. 😢
My parents were the same. They didn't go out of their way to foster growth. I, too, was put in "smart" classes. As far as my parents were concerned, I was "good enough". I didn't do homework. They never cared unless they got a call from school. Then they pretended to care until they forgot about it, then life went back to normal.
My parents never supported me going to college, and actually mocked me for it.
To this day I dont have a memory of my parents giving me emotional support, i do remember my mom always telling me i was cold and non loving. I suspect i got it from them…. Hard to change at 32 years old but i am trying for my daughter.
In my experience most ppl don’t start to self-reflect and heal until they’re in their 30s and are emotionally mature enough to be honest with themselves. (I’m in my 70s.) You can do this! Just be as patient with yourself as you want to be with your children. You got this!!
What your mom said to you was a reflection on her and you should not have been treated that way as a child. You were amazing, lovable, and you were born perfect. Your parents made you think you weren’t. As an adult, you can do better and the fact that you even clicked on this video says a lot already. Would your mom have clicked on this video? I think we know that answer. 🤗
I’m also 32 and learning about this now! You’re not alone. We’ve got this!
Psalm 103:8
“The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.”
Most of us were not raised right by our earthly parents. However, God our Father in heaven, can do more for you & loves you more that our earthy parents ever could. Come home, he loves you & is waiting for you with open arms.
@@pastortroy777The road to hell is paved by the best of intentions.
My mom killed herself when I was 7 and I was raised by my abusive father who has narcissistic personality disorder and was a Vietnam vet and drill sergeant in the Army. Also we lived out in the country, so I had no friends and was completely isolated. I've lost a few jobs because I couldn't control my rage after awhile and would be like the incredible Hulk on PCP. It took me over 30 years to get control of my emotions and relax after I went no contact with my dad because he's still a complete asshole. It's just a miracle I didn't turn into a serial killer considering my childhood lol.
Glad you made it out of there ❤
same except it was my narc sister and enabling mother haha. The army tends to attract people like those, I should know because I almost joined at a time where I was kind of an ahole.
I did what you did and cut contact with my sister. Glad I did haha
I eventually realized he'll never change and won't even acknowledge the abuse much less apologize and the only option was to get away for the sake of my sanity. Apparently that's all you can do with narcissists. It just sucks when it's a family member because you naturally want them to be in your life, but some people are just toxic through and through. @@thatgui88
Mee too!!!
I had a vet father like that. He used threatened me with death weekly. I learn to run fast and stay out of his way mostly. He was usually toobusy getting drunk and watching football all weekend. I would stay outside from dawn to dusk usually until he passed out.
The coolest thing just happened to me while listening to the video. Context: I was at my mom's house. She was nitpicking at me again. I was so fed up with it. I thought to myself " just breathe like you do to go to sleep at night. Big breath in 1,2,3,4,5. breathe out slowly. Keep breathing til you are calm. Wait for it it will come. Sure enough. Did not speak nasty back to my mom. She is 79. I am 61. I felt so in control at that moment. And each time I did this, cause she nit picks all the time. And you spoke about doing just this. I am so proud I thought of it. Used it and got it right. Thank you for this video. I needed to see I did the correct thing.
wow ur moms that old and still doing the same thing all your lives. ur mom sounds like she needs more healing than anyone else it seems like that generation are so much more harsh. use tough love and never joke around
Oh damn, so she was a teen mom
Glad you are validating depression and anger. I was never allowed to be angry as a child and if I expressed anger, I was punished. I'm ashamed to admit to episodes of rage towards electronics. It's expensive. I destroyed a personal laptop beyond repair and had to buy a new one. Although I've wanted to throw my laptop many times at work out of unrelieved frustration, I signed a form acknowledging that the laptop is the property of my employer and I am responsible to pay to replace it. That and the embarrassment. So I walk away, go splash cold water in my face, eat a snack (being hangry is a trigger), or go for a walk. My new therapist is doing EMDR and IFS, aka parts therapy, with me. I'm learning to give myself permission to feel angry and identify what need is not being met. Making progress.
You are doing an amazing work on this. I hope you give yourself credit for your acute self awareness, practice of self restraint, and leading to self mastery. You're trying really hard and it is paying off. That's all that can be asked of a human being. So glad you're getting the support you need. Keep going, keep practicing. It gets easier with time. Thank you for sharing your journey here.
@eveywrens I’m right there next to you regarding electronics & rage. It’s another take on “Rage Against the Machine.”
@@tracy3812 I work Quality Assurance for software. Performance and functional testing.
Rage against the machines is part of life, and often .. justified. 😇
@@steyraug96 your comment has made me so happy!
I think feeling anger can be a part of the healing journey as we move through depression - those of us who learned to suppress emotions initially get depressed, but when we start the process of healing the anger can start to come up. Then we have to learn the tools to deal with it....sounds like you are!
My anger gets so bad I physically hurt, and worse I blackout from it at times. I did years of therapy to get some control. Thanks for the video it has answered some of my questions about my childhood experiences.
I have CPTSD. I blackout as well. It happens so fast that I'm not even aware of it. It has frightened me so much that I isolate now.
I have to rely on others to tell me what I did when this happens. I'm getting better it's been about several years since it happened, but it still scares me. It's about the only thing that does scare me.@@pamelapalmer2832
Who ORIGINALLY hurt you? In my case = MY OWN DAD!!!
Once I bravely named the correct TARGET for my bitter, blistering, murderous RAGE, the anger work paid off & I stopped hurting innocent others with my unresolved anger!
I feel so sad when I think about this. I personally have been neglected emotionally. And it really snowballs into the present.
My sister recently came to live with me and my wife because she left a toxic relationship. It’s been so odd because we have spent hours and hours talking about our childhood, what it was like to have parents like ours, and the neglect of having 7 children in the household. (My parents were Mormons and it was what they were told to do). But explosive anger seems to come up a lot in our conversations and this video helps explain some of it. So a sincere thank you for providing some insight.
I grew up in a family of 6 kids with a single mother. She had no time for anything but to work two jobs. We each had to survive and find out way in the world. We're not very close to each other or as a family. It's fractured our connection as intergenerational trauma tends to do. There's definitely anger and shame and poor boundaries. My mom was also very religious and at one time when I left "the fold" and ran away from home, she prevented me from seeing my siblings for time. It was a mess.
@@NeseretBemient I’m sorry to hear that. I’ve heard so many stories of people’s family struggles when someone leaves or stops believing in the parent’s church. Luckily for me, my father was starting to see the nonsense of his religion when I was a kid, so I never had the experience you had. He did hold on to the spirit of a bunch of the culture, mostly “the patriarchy”, and I could go on for hours about him, but fortunately he was gone away on business a lot and my mom had to deal with everything at home. So she didn’t have the time, nor inclination, to nurture us and we basically had to do the same as you. However, it makes me mad that my youngest sibling was just waited on hand and foot by her. She would jump and make him a sandwich anytime he wanted one, yet I had to make my own. Don’t get me wrong, at 49 years old I’m glad to be more self sufficient, but that was an anger triggered for me.
@@thelostone6981 wow, that last part about the youngest being babied. So spot on. That’s why I’ve distanced myself from my mother and youngest sibling. And my mother has the audacity to wonder why I’m so responsible yet her youngest child is the complete opposite.
I was emotionally neglected as a kid and my parents are my bosses so I've been having rage episodes for the last 2-3 days, Dr. Tracey Marks somehow always knows what video I need, seriously 😅😅
I would seek help immediately 💗💗💗 Ain't no way my parents could be my bosses
@@tmkc162 I'm seeking a way out, It was covid time when I agreed on a whim to work with them in the family business and now it's the biggest regret of my life. Everything that they do is so triggering and I live in a city that I hate and have no friends. I need the last straw to decide that I cannot sacrifice my life to accommodate theirs.
@@Beren_Yildirim You don't need a last straw, you are not happy. Look at something called the Personal Bill of Rights, that list might help you realise a little more, that YOU are in charge. You must live your life how you want to, and by your means. It is difficult i know i am there but don't leave it till the last moment. You got this!
You are your own person. You belong to no one, not even your parents. Even though your parents have a lot of influence on you and your childhood, once we are adults, we have to figure out a way to cope. And work to process the trauma so we can be free.
@@Beren_Yildirim damn right! I wish I could help! You are not the sacrifice! Sending love to you 💗💗💗💗
Yesterday, I felt rage about my childhood wounds. I felt deep sadness and sorry for myself. I don't know who to blame.
How I grew up with emotional neglect influenced low self-esteem, low self-image, low social skills, and low emotional intimacy.
My mother has generational trauma, and I know how she was raised is a reflection of how I was raised with a lack of love and nurturing, I don't want to blame and shame myself anymore, because that won't make things better, it will only make my self-image worse .
I'm lonely going through my life's journey, trying to understand and make sense of everything, but it's overwhelming me. Since there was no one to guide me, I just hoped for it myself.
@@magellan-made-maps. At first I always blamed myself, why did I feel different, why did I feel excluded, what was actually wrong in my life. But until I found out that I had trauma (age 28), I tried to find out about my trauma, read lots of books and RUclips videos related to trauma, learned shadow work, learned tapping (EFT), learned mindfulness, go to a psychologist to validate my trauma, joining a healing space, journaling and more, and I still do now. After I found out that I had generational trauma from my parents, from my mother and father, I tried to understand how they were raised by their both parents and I understood how I was born and raised. I know how childhood imprints affect our future relationships. This is a hard pill to swallow. You try to correct your misalignment upbringing and try to fill the gaps in your void of nurturance. I try to feel compassionate and love myself more. But it would be better if you have the right support system and environment, not do it alone. I know this feels tricky and complicated. I'm still finding my way too, but I know healing is possible, although there's still a long way to go to get there. And I still learn too...
*“Our wound maybe not be our fault but our healing is our responsibility”*
you are your own best friend even if you ca n not see it rn. u also guide yourself and honestly give yourself a pat on the back for being so strong. u got this and wow gd for you. for making it this far.
Re "I dont know who to blame."
Well, who HURT you?
In my case, my violent, abusive dad HURT ME...& sometimes mom hurt me, so I BLAME them for causing most if nor all of the anger & sorrow I've kept hidden inside for all these years. Now that therapy has helped me see the correct TARGET for my bottled up rage...dad & mom, I no longer punish & abuse innocent others in their place! This is NOT about blame (retaliation, punishment, revenge, hostility), it's about UNDERSTANDING & repairing the emotional damages, if possible.
My parents were damaged by their parents who were damaged by their parents, etc, so WHO IS TO BLAME for this multi-generational pattern??? ...Adam & Eve? God?? 😢
@jimrich4192 I'm sorry for what happened to you. I know you are holding on and fighting this battle alone, trying to find relief. In that moment, as I slowly discovered the truth about my trauma, I knew my parents had a hand in the damage it caused, but I slowly tried to understand their position, slowly tried to overcome my worthlessness, toxic shame, and unlearning false core beliefs. The wound is still there, and I don't know the wound when it will dry up. Sometimes, I feel clueless and confused,, and stuck to find answer. I feel alone. But, I know its my responsibilities to heal and break the cycle from it, even its long road journey. 😭😭😭
Wow, this...was actually eye opening. I thought most of my intense anger was rooted in my emotional dysregulation from undiagnosed ADHD - but this really nails it on the head. I always feel terrible, and cry, and apologize afterwards because...I hate it. I hate who I am when I hit that rage point. I was emotionally and physically abused AND I was starved as part of the punishment (and was almost never taken to a doctor...even when my grandmother, a school teacher, told them I had ADHD) - so even at 35, I'm still not okay about it all. Thank you, Doctor Marks, for helping me learn more about my own brain, and what's going on - and hopefully I can get into counseling soon, and bring these sorts of things up with a therapist. (Sadly, I'm finding that every depression medication I try makes me have nasty side-effects, so any other way I can find to help myself, I'll take it!) Having a pet really helped me - because there is no worse guilt than making an innocent feel fear at your own hands, and I NEVER want to do that. It's taught me to slow down and process things a lot more before I react out of that impulsive anger - because animals, like children, don't know any better. They're not doing things to spite you, they're the purest form of innocence, and when they're being a bother...they often just want some love and attention, and I can't fault them for that, as a once abused and neglected child.
Imagine having both, childhood neglect and physical abuse TOGETHER 😢
That was me. My mom neglected me and my sister. Left us at home alone while working two jobs from the time I was 8. I learned to cook then too. My sister became sneaky. Throwing stuff like her food under my bed. Double whammy when Mom found it. Stop lying Deana. And my sister laughing behind my mother's back. I didn't realize I left me with broken relationships. When I had best friends at school and they made another friend, I backed out of the friendships covertly. My romantic relationships were disasters from go. I didn't realize it was me til I was in my fifties. I didn't know what reactivity meant. I still don't know why my bosses end up hating me. But I am working on me now
Big same. /internet hugs
@@christabelle__ thank you 💕
Rarely does physical abuse happen without neglect.
Same here. My mom would often tell us we were her “curses” so I’ve been waking around the world thinking I’m a shit person. Thankful for these videos and everyone’s honesty in the comments.
I remember watching a video on another website. Where a kid jumped a student in class. Nobody intervened, and the victim just suddenly screamed.
"I'm done. I hate this place."
That's what gets to me the most.... When someone genuinely goes through abuse. And it's just dismissed as "anger issues."
The kid who jumped him has anger issues. Not him. But if nobody believes the victim: That's how we have this connection of Irritability and PTSD.
Especially if it was on a chronic basis.
The whole saying of "Hate just creates more Hate."
This was my dad, unfortunately. It was pretty scary being a small child with a very angry and strong man to talk down. But I guess it turned me into a flawless diplomat, interpersonally speaking.
I recently lost my best friend due to my anger issues, until recently I had no idea how bad it was getting, and how it was affecting those around me. I can't help but feel hatefulness and bitterness towards myself. I care deeply about them and feel horrible for how I behaved. Now there is nothing I can do to fix it, and after learning other things I don't think I could if I tried. I want to move on and become better and learn from this but the guilt, shame and confusion are so overwhelming.
I’m so sorry, been there too! Definitely journal about how you feel and remind yourself it’s not THEIR fault. One thing I’ve learned about people like us is we subconsciously try and make others pay for what was done to us
@noellealdea2563 That's because of what's called Transference. We aren't even talking to the person in front of us. We subconsciously see our parent figure who had similar behaviours & reacting to them for catharsis & resolving the childhood trauma. It feels relieving in the moment and we end up losing potential friendships/relationships
@@gksurabhi oh my god, I never knew this…. That’s really sad. My mom does this with me and I know why that’s why she’s so abusive, she wants revenge on me and my brothers for a pain she felt from her mom. Unfortunately I’ve seen this manifest in myself with my own friends…. I’m gonna have to look more into this so I can better understand myself
@@gksurabhi thank you for telling me this! I just looked this up and realized it’s definitely me to an extent. I also have PMDD which is a severe hormonal imbalance a week before your period and I noticed this transference becomes very evident during this time
Self compassion is a tough one. It took me a while to develop that but once I did, it became easier to be gentle with myself. It's okay to own your feelings of hatefulness or bitterness, especially if you were violated/abused as a child. Or experienced trauma even as an adult. Allow yourself to feel those feelings and then your desire to move forward and heal is already there. You are on the right track. Keep going. I have a self compassion meditation on my channel that might help. Kind regards, Neseret
I’ve meditated for hours doing deep breathing in lotus, advanced yoga, written in journals, talked about it, ran miles a day, I’ve done deep dives into psychology, prayed, done deep dives into spirituality, everything.
It doesn’t help my intense rage from being abandoned, neglected, and molested. This is rage so intense that I punch myself in the face and pull my own hair out while writhing around on the ground screaming like a banshee.
I’ve never seen anyone get as angry as me, ever. None of these videos even compare. What is wrong with me? I don’t know what to do.
Im sorry you have to go through that, and what you went through.
I am 68 years old…I suffer from anxiety and depression. It took me a long time to figure out it was my mother. Looking back I think most of family her family where bipolar. She would be normal then angry in a matter of a seconds. Never held me, told me she even liked me, yelled at me for what I thought was nothing, would call me names, never helped me with my homework. On the other hand she would do all this for my brother. This is why I have anxiety and depression. I have learned over the years to have a routine surround myself with people who actually like me and love me. It was an uphill battle but it is possible. I never took any of this out on my brother. It was not his fault. To anyone that is suffering good luck on your journey just remember all things are possible.
My extremely abusive mother caused me to experience such anger that from an early age I was firmly convinced that I would kill someone in a fit of rage. I ran away to the Marines at 17 and did 3 tours overseas. But I was still forced to work as a bar bouncer whenever I was stateside so I could hit people and not go to jail. Took until I was 33 before I could finally let go of that anger and actually live.
My husband goes from 0 to 100 in an instant, from our kids being kids to me asking him for help. He storms around the house, slamming doors and screaming, then shuts himself in the basement. Moments later, it’s as if he never had a meltdown. And if I bring it up, to help him reflect, the episode just starts all over. He won’t go to therapy, so his anger has killed our marriage. I know he’s very shame-based, and his anger stems from having emotional unavailable parents. He’s still hoping they’ll magically turn into available parents, so he neglects me and the kids and runs to them when they make a demand.
My mom has BPD was severely physically+verbally abusive, I literally feel like I was raised by a sadistic child. This rage feels like the pits of hell are bottled up in your stomach and chest with nowhere to go except consume you… you may lose a lot of friends, relationships, and family by dealing with such uncontrollable rage. Take time and find healthy hobbies like gardening, pottery, painting, and especially journaling! These have all really helped me. I’m so sorry that anyone else has had to deal with this, I resonate with you on a deep profound level
I wonder how much society has an impact on this. Seeing more about the social impacts would be cool
I'm bipolar and grew up in a family of 5 kids. My Mother suffered from depression and did not like to be held of to hold us. My father raised the boys as if we were his property. He didn't say he loved us and he never gave hugs. Lots and lots of anger.
When I was working, I would have to put so much effort in preparing myself for negative comments. If someone caught me off guard, my anger would come out.
My father just recently passed on at 92. I didn't go to funeral, because I wanted a new start with him on my terms. :)
I pray for those of you who suffered as a child. Thank you Dr. Marks for helping so many with your videos. God Bless You.
Wow!
I’ve ALWAYS carried A LOT of rage beneath the surface and I’ve always been deeply depressed. Blowing up at nothing was my normal for years and years and I felt like such a horrible person even if no one witnessed my meltdown. Thank you DR. for confirming what I suspected,- that the rage was residual from my childhood abuse and the gaslighting that followed.
I’m better now thank god after realizing the abuse I suffered and going no contact, but it has taken 5 years of healing to get to a calm place of acceptance when things don’t go my way. Thank you for this video!
What kind of abuse is it when parents let their children’s teeth rot? Ignore eyesight issues? You’re correct. Medical neglect can be just as severe as emotional or physical abuse. Combine all three and you are raising a human with many issues later into adulthood.
I am glad you made a video that mentions the angry type of depression! Anger and sadness are actually interchangeable feelings. Anger can transform into sadness and sadness can be transformed into anger. One is a passive emotion the other one is reactive. I guess it depends on born personal characteristics too whether a neglected person will become an explosive angry adult or a withdrawing sad type.
Or both - like you said, one can easily transition to the other.
@@christabelle__ it is true also! But one type is usually more dominant. For eg. in borderline personality disorder (BPD) the anger is prevalent. And when a person with BPD gets depressed, the feeling of anger is dominant. Anger in BPD is a general reaction for unexpected and unwanted events. They get angry when their expectations arw not met. And remain angry through an extended time.
Damn, I went through all those forms of neglect and physical abuse
Good God, I won all the spots on the childhood neglect bingo card!! I finally got into therapy due to being physically tired of being angry about 5 yrs ago. It did NOT help that every nursing job situation I had from 2007 until 2021 repeated the same gaslighting and neglect from persons in power. From the household, to the workplace, to self-advocating for chronic illness; I didn't have much of a chance to break out of automatic trauma responses for just about all my life. I didn't end up in a safer in occupational and personal healthcare power differential situations, to stop reinforcing the same learned trauma responses, until 2020.
It's a good reminder, writing this out, as to why we're still on a weekly therapy appointment schedule ...
This one hits so close to home for me... Thank you for your thoughtful and helpful content Dr. Marks!
You are so welcome!
I have depression, but for the vast majority of my life anger has been the only emotion thats been consistent. Frustration and white-hot rage are my constant companions and its only been a recent breakthrough that those emotions come from grieving what I never got. Emotional neglect, threats of violence, and telling someone that there is no place in the world thats safe for them to break down even with their own family will really fuck a kid up. Who knew!
I like this editing!
I’m as bad as some of the examples here, but I can admit that I have a few triggers that get me to explode in a rage. I’m better at controlling it than I was years ago
Thanks for this video. I can’t decide if it resonates. My dad blew up all the time when I was growing up. He would yell and scream to the point even the neighbors could hear. Then he would lie down on his side on his bed and call me and/or my brother into the room and lecture us for long periods of time. Eventually my legs wound buckle and I’d kneel. I was not neglected in any of the ways you described at the start of this video. My parents loved me and made sure I knew this, and they took care of all my needs. I’m not sure how to classify my upbringing. I don’t think I was abused but I don’t think I was socialized well. I recognize that I don’t process frustration or disappointment normally. Sometimes I get very angry like you described, but not all the time like my father and less as I’ve gotten older. My social skills are not normal so I’m careful with trusting friendships. My colleagues often subtly bully me and I handle it badly. I never got married or had children. As I’ve grown older I care less and less for being around people. Im not socially isolated but I honestly wouldn’t mind anymore if I stopped socializing. It’s more peaceful on my own.
That behavior of your father's is still abusive, whether or not it is considered 'neglect'. I'm sorry, I dealt with much the same, and worse - and I've grown to be very insular and don't mind being so cut off from society, most days...which I can recognize is abnormal? Even if I don't *feel* like it is.
I have fits of anger that attacked often and like PTSD made me feel as if I am in the neglectful. I recently had to call one of the family members who caused the trauma and telling them that I forgive them. It was a very healing and freedom from the anger that does not happen as it has in the past.
This really struck a chord with me, particularly emotional and support from my care givers. Thankfully I healed, but I'm seeing older family members with unhealed wounds.. It's a really bad situation to be in..
THANK YOU for providing & defining types of neglect!💯 ‘Neglect’ is used often but many times, people, especially ones who Need to Know the Definition due to actually experiencing it, rarely comes across the meaning. After years of suspecting I was but felt I didn’t meet the parameters, I bravely ask my therapist to define neglect & also ask did they think I was neglected. After receiving the answer, IT WAS A GAME CHANGER & now I am learning tools to overcome the adult manifestations of it in my life!💯
This makes so much sense to me. I was emotionally neglected and educationally neglected. I think it led to me being an addict and feeling broken and alone.
50 year old female dealing with anger triggered by peri-menopause hormones but I've always had anger issues. I actually took an online anger management class because I was so worried about it. It helped but didn't explain why I have such issues. I endured a lot of childhood emotional abuse and neglect, plus intense guilt over witnessing my younger brother getting abused and not being able to protect him. Thank you for this video.
Can relate 💯
Some supplements help me but yeah.
This video came out at the right time. I do get rage'd out whenever I get out of work. I just moderately scream in my car while heading back home. Since I work the night shift there is not much cars around, so no one sees me or hears me haha
And here I thought I got my anger issues from my daddy.... I did, but he got his from his childhood trauma and I got mine from my childhood trauma and when you grow up with childhood trauma as well as seeing and experiencing this behavior you are predestined to have it... Glad I began to recognize that flipping out over my kids spilling milk or other minor inconveniences (pretty much anytime I have to actually get up and do something...) was not ok! I still have outbursts, but I make sure I don't do them in front of my kids anymore.... And I try to learn from each outburst to see where I can make this situation less angry for me...
I have noticed this symptom and pattern with some of my clients, and your explanation helps to shed light on the etymology!
Greetings from Venezuela, South America.
As someone who suffered from abuse rather than neglect, I always thought the neglect people had it easier as adults. They really seem to crave relationships and intimacy with people, as they were starved of that as kids. On the other hand, I'm more of a lone wolf who distrusts people and shies away from intimacy and relationships. I've gotten a lot better, to the point I now have a moderately large circle of friends, but it took a while after getting away from my family of origin to get there. I still don't see myself being in another romantic relationship and now even identify as asexual/aromantic.
that’s sounds about right what your on to is something great. as i always say let’s stand for something greater than ourselves. me too i have decided to get away from romance and just be me just be in my skin and start loving myself from within. and how can we loose by giving ourselves the time we actually needed. anyways best of luck to you.
I agree, abuse is a horrible thing. I was only neglected, never seriously abused. Craving intimacy is such a painful experience though. I feel always on edge, worrying someone will leave
This makes total sense why I'm such a trigger happy rage monster. I often think about the heavy neglect I dealt with as a kid. I never had any support for anything as a kid, I was told I was the problem and why I couldn't just be normal. I was constantly punished for everything, including eating too much food. I've been able to recognize my anger issues for decades, but it never seems to get any better. Abandonment issues are my biggest issue, which is likely why I can't stay in one job or city or state for very long.
ive been taking care of my grandpa (my dad basically) since i was 14 mom and dad out of the picture. im now 17 still taking care of him hes been bed ridden now for months. this explained alot..
I have suffered emotional neglect as a kid, till I was in my 20's. In relationships, I always seek an epic emotional response, too much happiness, too much anger. These are signs of a toxic relationship, and I am often, the perpetrator. But I always feel like a victim whenever I am cooking up these storms. This technique, of observing situations from the outside has really helped me. I mean, I still sometimes slip and show extreme anger, but I do not feel like the victim anymore. So, that's progress.
as a depressed person I have also found that rage has a place in a healthy person - rage (vs anger) has the power to interrupt the status quo and allow something new to take it's place.
I understand everything you've said and explained, but it is still using a water pistol on a house fire. There needs to be something that blankets the fire immediately. Breathing DOES NOT do that.
💯💯💯
It happened to me on 2019... I was frustrated with anger, and couldn´t put what I felt on words... so I used to smash my head with the wall. I healed with Escitalopram and Risperidone on super low doses, and with pandemic time I went outside, no matter what...I was better than anyone, so ASK FOR HELP! (Im psychology, but is not enough!)
Ooh, there's a lot packed in this video. We each have the ability to nurture, comfort, and begin to heal our wounded child. Recognize that feelings are temporary, and breathe through both difficult and wonderful experiences. I felt this was affirming my growth and rehabilitation. Thank you
My depression is coming from my anxiety. I think all the trauma in my life and then a bad second marriage and severe money problems caused me to cross the edge.
Interesting to me is that during my first marriage, which was a good marriage but I developed anger issues . My therapist and my ex wife’s said it was probably from depression! I guess they are and were right ! I finally broke at 58.
Now I am in an awful place. I know that if I could cover my bills I would get better. However, even my therapist says that I had some childhood trauma from issues that took place in my family when I was a kid. My parents were very focused on my sickly sister.
However, I did have a good childhood , I just feel there was something missing.
I know I ruined my first marriage. My second marriage was to a narcissistic abuser and I broke.
Your amygdala holds grudges to protect you. So freaking true! 😂😂😂 ❤❤❤
It also causes physical health issues. Death cures the angry person, but since my seething angry, narcissistic mother died I have felt mostly rage. It is hard to manage rage and not let it splatter all over others like a toxic pewk fest. What I find helps me most is when I catch the toxic angry stew bubbling up in my gut, I've learned to sit down and take 5 minutes to explore what feelings about the current situation is making me angry, and what treatment in childhood does this feeling represent and recreate. That is where the rage gets triggered and released from, the past, not the present. Pete Walker's book, Complex-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, has been very helpful in facilitating this process for me. Good luck to all in being curious, exploring, and gaining a better understanding of ourselves.
I learned when my fear was masked by anger, it helped me understand the rage.
I can't say this description of depression and rage matches my experience.
I don't recall neglect as far as I can tell.
But I practically can't function sometimes without being angry, too exhausted to move without rage as fuel.
A child has only their personal experience to go by and no point of reference for what is normal, so they won't be able to recognize neglect when it happens. That may (or may not) be why you can't recall it...Another is that you may have coped with neglect by dissociating. You weren't "there" to begin with, so you can't remember it happening. Just some ideas...wishing you the best.
I have ADHD, and emotional dysregulation is a large part of it 0 I always thought my sudden, intense bouts of anger were rooted in that! But it could be a combination of these things for me...and yours could be rooted in something else, too.
This is a very insightful video! Talking about it does helps immensely - my parents seemed simultaneously loveing and uncaring when I grew up, but when I started talking to them about it, I realized they were working through their own traumas, and regret they couldn't help me more. Once that understanding was established, I felt strangely relieved and that has strengthened our bond.
I' ve never talked to my parents about that. I wonder if they realise how contradictory info I was getting from them, when at one point they are so loving and are ready to "except you as I you are" and at another time, when I do a mistake (without realising it), they are like beyond themselves "how can you be so stupid". I wish I could laugh about it, but I am sad.
@@candleofmylife I know I still occasionally struggle with it, but understanding that not only did our parents have traumas, but they also came from a generation(s) where mental health conditions were stigmatized or otherwise ignored is part of road leading to acceptance. It will require a lot of effort to break a cycle that may be potentially generations deep.
You cannot change what happened in the past, but understanding and acceptance of what happened is part of healing.
@@Puffie40 Well said. Now I see, acceptance and understanding (as you mentioned these) take off labels from people
Simultaneously loving and uncaring describes my experience so well too. She was loving, but only if she was seeking love herself. I don't think she realized all her actions were driven by her own desires, and she didn't love me just to love me. Some days she was friendly, but most she's on hair trigger. My mom definitely had her own issues growing up too though
I was Emotionally Neglected, and has resulted in Me being angry a lot, but I Am learning to work through My depression to help calm My Anger
Love how you organize our thoughts. Thank you for helping us understand and heal.
I am raising a son (adopted) who fits these descriptions exactly. Treatment is very, very difficult because his emotional deficits make him a bad candidate for therapy (self examination, heavy thought, etc)
Great video, I am Still in therapy and probably will be for the rest of my life. It's good to hear some things that kind of explain the pain. I'm just sad that my life is full of rage and resentment^2 and I have been weak to not take it out on my partners 😢 I feel like I could have been normal(in an alternate timeline), but I'm basically a monster. regrets serve to remind me that my impulse is often the way to shame . I still struggle with that and guilt/shame for things I've said and done. Good luck to all who hate themselves like I did. We don't necessarily deserve the forgiveness of those we have hurt but if we continue to hate ourselves we will ultimately self destruct and cause more harm.
I had the emotional, educational, and medical neglect growing up. I have so much self loathing and rage.
I used to not feel anger at all, then after years of therapy, the anger and rage came back in full force. But after being abandoned, neglected, beat up, groomed at 13 and blackmailed into silence, it’s clear where that anger came from.
But I’ve learned to pause and observe myself. To not judge myself for being angry, and act like a good friend to myself. From this, I’ve been able to break through blind rage and not take it out on things or those around me.
Wow! That was an awesome video to watch, Dr. Tracey!
The biggest source of violence in our world is not war, it is domestic violence. But I think for many people, even mental health professionals it is often difficult to associate anger with childhood trauma.
Often we think of anger, even in children and youth, as a symptoms of behavioral problems, more so than a symptom of trauma. But it makes perfect sense. I've struggled with emotional regulation, specifically anger for a greater part of my life.
I come from a line of "generation of angry, depressed, and traumatized people." I've made a video on my channel about intergenerational trauma. This is not to say we've also developed a lot of strength and resiliency despite it. But it leaves its' mark and very challenging to overcome and to break the cycle. Although, it is possible.
My grand mother was in an arranged marriage by the time she was 14 years old and shortly after she had children.
My mother was a victim of abuse of every kind and struggled to break the cycle. She had six children and was a single mother in a war-torn country. She was abusive physically, verbally, emotionally, and spiritually while we were growing up.
My daughter and I have an improved relationship but I still have struggled with anger throughout my life. It has gotten better with inner work, mindfulness, supportive relationship, and a very meaningful work I consider my spiritual practice.
I love that you were just spot on, not just with the problem but also the solution. I admire your work. Thank you for what you do. You inspire me.
Warm regards,
Neseret
I’ll be watching this one and staring my work book thanks doctor I’m not healed but I’m starting to understand a bit more these days 🌸 love and light yall
The 4th method on breath work is huge for my own healing process, and why we need to take better care of our own lungs. This even gave me a healthy outlet for my anger as vitality and arousal in situations that demand it like powerlifting, wherein breath work and bracing help me to further grounding myself.
Hi Dr. Tracy, I was emotionally abused by my mom so I agree with what you said! Fortunately, my dad gave my sisters and I love and care! However, it took me many years to handle my anger problem. It took me years of therapy and self-help books to realize what I needed to do to control my anger problem. I'm 66 years old now and I finally feel at peace!
I needed this right now before I speak to my manager about workload overwhelm and difficult coworkers. Thank you.
I love your videos. I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD 2 years ago thanks to watching your videos. Thanks to your videos I was able to understand my reactions and feelings and realised they were not common and most likely a result of a lot of abuse and neglect. As a latino man in my late 30s, I was always told to brush it off and stop being this or that. Life has gotten better although I am still working on getting to that good spot.
Ask yourself whether you are actually angry or feeling incredibly hurt and vulnerable and sad and powerless to fix it. You can get so angry for instance about someone mistreating you but the real problem is how bad it made you feel. Anger might be a good response to protect yourself but it also means it really got to you. Hit you where it hurts and touched a sore spot.
If you can sit with those painful feelings for a few minutes it shifts something in your brain. The sudden, impromptu chaos and flood of anger can be energizing. But i find myself seething hours, days, years later. Asking myself if i am feeling hurt and scared of being hurt again brings me closer to the root of what is going on.
Ma’am, thank you for this video. It has explained a lot about the anger I have had throughout my life, growing up people just thought I was a bad person. I was actually put in a “special class” when I was in middle school, I didn’t know what my parents said to my teachers but even the tip toed around me sometimes.
emotional neglect means you NEVER LEARN prosocial ways of coping. It is crippling because you never learn basic right brain to right brain communication. You never learn that regulation is a thing. You are just alone, reacting. Cry it out that never ends
Thank you Dr. Marks 🙏🏾
My Friend, My Witch, My Gypsy, My Queen and Goddess Dr. Tracy Marks. I AM Grateful for you presenting yourself to me and the hard work you do. I shall have the privilege to talk to you in person with your consent. Keep being you!
SO helpful. Thank you. It's amazing how long these effects can last despite self-care, therapy, and advances in medical treatments.
Love that you not only help to identify but also give strategies to deal with it 👏👏👏
This video came to me at the perfect time! Dr. Tracey is the goat!
I needed to hear this Doc, you are so very appreciated 🙌🏾
I often have Melt downs but my childhood was awsome my family was very loving my grandmother and grandfather always blessed me. I Add HD and Autism.
I literally can’t thank you enough for this!
Thanks for tjis positive message, and how I wish everyone could listen to it. It’s very short and sweet.
Thank you so much for all you bring , please continue. I learn so much from these videos.
I like the animations of the titles. They have a frame rate that makes it smooth and satisfying to look at and that grabs my attention. I appreciate that kinda stuff, even though it’s not related to the theme of the video. It makes the video look very professional. I hope for the best for this channel. It should reach as many people as possible.
Also it’s great to know that ACT can help me with this. I will discuss it with my therapist and look into it.
I’ve destroyed many phones and electronics and always told myself why isn’t anything working?! Aren’t things suppose to just work?? And would tie that with always being disappointed by things and people and family members . This gave me clarity and a weight off my chest , thank you dr. Marks you’re a miracle worker
Thank you for the distinction. The shame spiral means you aren't a monster on purpose. That may be helpful to those questioning that in their heads.
This explains a lot in my life...thank you 💜
I don't think one form of abuse "sticks" longer than the other.
I think it's just manifested in different ways.
💯 exactly!
I have trauma & depression sometimes my anger gets the best of me 😢. Good video !
I am so very grateful to have came across this channel. Definitely helps me a lot. Thank you :)
You are doing an incredible service! Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
I appreciate this so much. I have been looking for help in a lot of places, including other videos of yours, but this one hit the nail on the head of what I've been dealing with, thank you.
Ty for sharing this knowledge, blessings
New subscriber here. I work at a juvenile detention and this video was very informative! Thank You!
Thank you, Dr. Marx!
You are the doctor i needed as a teen.
Thank you Dr. Tracey.
this episode cane to me at the right time thank you for all your videos
I'm at a loss for words. So much I've learned about myself in this video
You're doing God's work
Thank-you; peace be upon you
Thank you for these helpful and educational videos.
Thanks Dr., your efforts to educate us are much appreciated. Thanks again! Great video!
Mindfulness is a tricky thing to do, but really really rewarding. It requires self-discipline, but sometimes I just can't make myself do it. It's the same as choosing between an apple and a dounut. And when I let myself to be a sluggish doubtful scared small person that tries to please collegues and parents, and feels self-abondoned - just because I am too lazy to pull myself together and BE the person that I want to be (because it requires self-discipline, again) - then bad things happen, like I drop my handbag on the floor on purpose and my phone crashes inside it.
Thank you Dr Tracy. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety and your videos have helped me identify what part of mental illness I am dealing with at that given moment. I'm out of work for a little while due to my major depressive disorder because this has been the worst amount I felt with disorder. I will be seeing a LMHC and a new medicine management professional soon. Thank you for your caring attitude towards those of us with mental health issues. God bless you.