No contact relapse - how to deal with it
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- Опубликовано: 12 янв 2020
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The only lesson I have learned by giving 2nd chance to every toxic and narcissistic person, that I have come across, is that they never deserve a second chance.
Warrior Yes!!!!!
They don't even seem to realize they're getting a second chance, they take everything for granted!
Josee Noel that’s true! A big big true
Another thing is that they will act like nothing has happened, and this behavior has always confused me as if I were the one overreacting. Thus, I have not only given 2nd chance but also apologized to them - to which now I finally realize that none of it was my fault at all.
If you think it is a 2nd chance, it is more likely your 10th!
The hardest part is dreaming about the person and then waking up
It'll pass sugar, like stink, hang in there, the wee hours are the worst, just when we need our rest and it's the last thing we get, all part of their ploy and death grip no dought! Xoxo
Been there. It's the worst because our brain is still attached to that person
Worst part for me- dreaming that he was a "sweet injured soul". And waking up to a Puppet Master Wanne Be. Who had a narc who giggles like a schoolgirl?
Had this last night. The sadness and panic 😳😭. I hugged them and then woke up in panic feeling overwhelming sadness and loss.
It will pass and it will get better! I promise! The dreams and the nightmares start to fade into nothingness.
Once I began to heal, I didn't need closure.
kecia225 thank you for that great input, it help me today. ❤️🙏
Preach!
Absolutely! Kecia closure is over rated! And tbh I don't think it even exists. All the best and keep growing and stay strong.
Same here. They don’t even have the normal heart as us. Fuck the closure, who care the sick fiction in their head🙄
That's the narcissist tricking us again, making us feel that we NEED them somehow to recover. We don't need them to say they're sorry, to suffer how they "deserve", to watch how well we are doing, to change, to be friends, to "pay"...
It's over. They're out. The only people we need (to change, to forgive, to watch how well we are doing) is OURSELVES.
BE KIND TO YOURSELF SURVIVORS!
Thaaank youuuuu
Thank you ❤️
Be knowledgeable! That's how we'll survive.
I'm packing my things as I'm watching this. No more!! Ugh!!!!
Best of luck ❤️
@Claire That's exactly what I feel like now! Can't wait to get out!!
@@leahmckinney3250 Thank you!!
@Claire Prayers... DON'T LOOK BACK. There's a reason you're leaving. (some) Abusers hate being exposed and will try to lasso you back into the "relationship" so they can humiliate you when you're kicked out to the curb in their timing.
@Claire Those people that betrayed you were never your friends. It's hard to find really good friends.
The Healing Process: Just because you've grown immune to venom doesn't mean you have to run back to the snake that bit you. Thank you Doctor Ramani 😘
😔 I’m crying . I’m having such a hard time .. lord please give me strength.
Ash Cole hang in there! You can do it!! I was in the same place months ago..& now I feel a relapse coming on but I’m trying to be strong. As time passes, realize how far you’ve come. I know you can do it! We don’t deserve these ppl in our life, we deserve better!
That happened to me. It’s a soul tie. You have to pray about it but that is a demon (Jezebel spirit). Never give it a second chance to destroy you.
Go your way dear... don’t look back!
There for you, it is really tough to go through this.
you are not alone
for anyone reading this it does get easier with time .I relapsed too and it hurt me more doing so . but that made me fully understand I needed to get out completely. no contact is a gift
@@rf4537 it does rose tinted glasses an all.plus we are so gas lighted in it to even pull ourself out of it .only after we see full effects of relationship
An eco-friendly no need to wrap gift 🎁!
This is important! It’s only been a few days for me, and because he was the one that discarded, I immediately wanted more. I want to relapse so badly! And then I watch these videos and realized this was the best and ONLY gift that narc had ever given me! No contact! He blocked me and made it impossible to contact him. And it’s simply the only way I was going to wake up. And I’m anticipating him to break the no contact at some point to get more supply, once the other girls start waking up. But I won’t give him anything or myself ever again. But I lowkey really want to... but I don’t. Ugh
@@FreeVoni it's the trama bonding .. that's a basic ploy they use when they are in loveboming stage with someone else blocking u .I hope u blocked him completely as well cut the cord
same here, after almost healed and uncovering my own issues, i felt better and ended up reaching out for reconciliation (this was a few days ago, i got ignored no surprise there) , i thought we could hea these deep wounds together, naively , i know but i felt i had to do it, and now it was like closure for me,
wish you the best)
It’s easy to relapse when your lonely but don’t fall for it make yourself busy or even take a nap
😂😂 "....make yourself busy or even take a nap." Yup! I'm accepting this advice. It really is the best, yet! 😂 I'm too tickled.
Smoke weed if you need to
Its so refreshing that a Pyschologist understands this. Thank you so much! Sometimes when we reach out for help we are gaslighted by mental health professionals that dont understand this.
Jess 🙌🏽Say it again!
so true! I have been called delusional, creating bad karma etc. by one therapist (his logic was - since I had family dysfunction, I was seeing dysfunction in normal and nice people). The other therapist was quite smitten by my narc, and would make excuses for his behavior (oohh... but he is unable to do this, he really wants to but he is struggling so much, he doesnt know how to use the right words to convey his feelings, ooohhh he is really struggling to learn how to speak to you, etc etc), and make me look like I was unreasonable and selfish. But now that I am out of it, I did my own research and realized my narc was sophisticated and covert, cerebral type, and hence the constant gaslighting and invalidation.
@Shenise Henderson Yes, they often minimize!
@@Jess-kn8vl Yes,and it was so hurtful...which is why they do it!
You Took so Long toUnterstand, how should a orther Person See what Happens.
Even a Therapist, Not spezialized, can t see This.
Flying Monkeys are Not stupid, They Also See only what they Shall See!!!
We are so close to them, they think we are their Slaves, Nobody Outside will Beleave us!!!
It Took me a Long Time to exept, that the one i Loved and a sibling Manipulated me!!!
And that my inner view on Reality was Right.
They are No Good persons. Their behavior is extrem Ego and they are no emphath!!!
They only live for themselves and what they Call Love is only the suply they Need to live a compfort life.
I only was something to be Used!
I have dreams about having a no-contact relapse and I heard somewhere that addicts have the same kind of relapse dreams, that's certainly very telling
Andrea Koroknai I did but I would dream him coming home and the sheer panic I would feel when he would walk through the door, it was the best cure of going there after years of trying to break away🤔
I had one 2 days go. In it I was telling him all he made me go through and feel and how cruel he was to the person that gave him nothing but love. Then I woke up, heart beating fast, as of everyday I wake up at the same hour feeling anxious. Meanwhile, he must be laughing somewhere...
Going no contact includes not driving by their house, NOT looking at pictures, NOT looking at the social media on someone else's phone etc. It's hard enough to drive in the areas of town you went with them. It's hard enough to have memories and dreams and the emotional wreckage we get to carry because of it all. Truthfully, when I'm anxious, had dreams all night, feeling sad, ruminating etc., I immerse myself in Dr Ramani videos. Sometimes a video is the only way I get through the next 10 mins. Thank you, thank you, thank you Dr Ramani. So many of us NEED exactly what you are doing here. Most days I need these videos as much as I need food and water.
Going back to a narcissist is like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football. Lucy takes it away every time: but Charlie Brown wants to believe she won't! He just doesn't get that he can never trust her!
edilweiss debergbaldrian that is the exact analogy I’ve used with mine. Perfect example.
Yes such a perfect example
I've said that so many times too!
They never change. I finally found out after 25 years of marriage. What I was married to a Covert Narcissistic. And my four children are his fly monkeys.Of the list of things their Dad did of anger and meanness. Raping his own sister I just found out. My friend their aunt. They believe I made it up. Stay away forever like I do. They never ever change. Like me utube teaching us about mental disorders has helped me greatly.❤️❤️
Ahahaha
So true. The more you go back, the more hurt you get, and more you lose yourself. It's a slow painful suicide for those dealing with narcissists.
So True!
you think it can t Go Worse But it does!
And the flying Monkey give them the force That makes you More and More think that you are This evil Person the narc Has to Fight with!
And Some day you think They are Right! 😐
That how it works to make you a Slave or as Empty as the narc. I think Every Relaps Seems to deepen This. Until you Break down or you have the Luck you Leave and Never Look back…,!!!
I have been in recovery from actual substance abuse for 6 years now... I also just left a narcissistic relationship, it’s very much alike. I’ll tell you something.. relapse will not do anything for you other than confirm you were on the right path before in leaving your addiction behind. I’ve found it true in both cases
This channel is my source of hope and strength. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
Yes she's awesome
How comforting empathetic insightful is Ramani
This channel has helped me overcome and maintain my composure on the recent family get together where the narcissistic members were on the rage. Silence was indeed the best reaction.
I relapsed last week. I had dinner with my narc sister. Before the dinner ended, she invalidated my opinion. As if I weren’t allowed to have it. I waited for her to see that what she was saying might have been hurtful. But I realized only a person with empathy would see that. So without fighting, I left. She probably thinks she won the argument. That’s fine, I won my peace and learned my lesson...again. Lol🧘🏾♀️
That's so annoying, there you are speaking about something and they're so... and onto 'invalidating' your opinion! It's so confusing, surely you were the one, living your life, getting yourself to the lunch and somehow, whatever you were saying, about something, needed to be corrected with their 2 cents to be added, as if your opinion wasn't a good one, all on its own. Your narc who has probably messed up so often, herself, is there to convince you to think it her way, I find it all so bizarre!
What I experience once you start having those reaction is that soon she will ignore you totally, like you didn’t exist. You could be in a room full of people and she will never notice you and it will be done so artfully that no one will notice.
You took the path of wisdom. Sometimes it is better to let them think they have won, especially because people like your sister are unable to see how much more important things she has lost (or failed to ever have) and how much more important things you have gained.
I keep remembering a line from the movie War Games. They have the computer run a bunch of scenarios of what would happen during a nuclear war. The computer concludes it is "a strange game" because "the only winning move is not to play". Dealing with a narcissist is a strange game and like nuclear war, the only winning move is to not play.
Good on you that even while your sister was hitting your emotional buttons you were able to see the winning move and withdraw from the game.
This happens. It has happened to me. Just forgive yourself, get back on track and move on. She is right. Sometimes you need a refresher course. It's fine. It has happened to others. Take strength from that.
"Sounds scary because it is." :)
Yikes!
No emotion, if you run into them. Stay logical and tell them nothing of your life, the way it is now. They try to get in, with knowledge of your current lifestyle. if they've been gone for awhile, then all they have to go on, is what you had when together. Tell them nothing. Stay No contact. It's all a game of control and manipulation over you.
As an empath I was always trying to reach out (I was discarded). It’s like my heart refused to see how evil and manipulative the person was.
I blocked, moved on and never looked back
Hasfa Bahar he has blocked and unblocked me several times. If I try to get out of him any emotion or If he gives me the silence treatment and I try to get him to talk he will block me if I don’t follow his rules of only one text at a time. If I text 2 texts I’ll be blocked eventually. I’m waiting for him to come back again after being blocked 6 times and unblocked 6 times. He does this to punish me. How do you block and keep them blocked for good?? I can’t do this anymore but I’m like addicted
@@kelizabeth5859 It's a horrible addiction but I started to realise Narcs are demonic. They know exactly what game they're playing. I didn't respect myself when I was waiting around.
Begin by wanting better for yourself. You want a stable man, a good man, a good family etc. Become addicted to wanting better. Better your life, better your job prospects, go back to education. Be obsessed with yourself. Get healthy. Do things that make you happy and that are healthy for you. You've given them so much of you that you've forgotten who you are! Who were you before you met this Narc?
You've tried so many times with this man, do you really think he's going to change? Why would you want a man who displays this kind of behaviour? You want better for yourself!!! Look up the law of attraction and pray for better! It works! The day I said this to myself and committed myself to this new way of life I was happier, a couple of months later I found a better man!
You need to remember so long as you're holding onto this Narc and allowing him him play games with you, you're not giving the right man the opportunity to enter your life.
Stay blessed x
@Hasfa Bahar I just don’t understand why he keeps discarding me for a month straight and then coming back to make me feel loved again and then decides me trying to communicate with him through text is crazy and he says my texts make him want to die bc he’s not a “texter” and then blocks me and comes back. I guess I’m in love with what he used to be. And I can’t get what he was like out of my brain to see that he’s awful to me and nice and awful again when I don’t behave exactly how I should. I need to block him I know that. But I’m holding out to see if maybe he changes this time. I really want to follow what you are saying bc you make total sense. I think I’m so trauma bonded. How long did it take you to finally make the move to do you and only focus on bettering yourself and life? I feel like I’ll never get out of this cycle bc I care so much
@@kelizabeth5859 it took me 2 years of my life. Looking back I feel so mad at myself as to why I took so long. I was in your position but even worst.
You're definitely trauma bonded as was I. Eventually I got tired of narcissism and learning about it I just wanted positive changes. I realised that man was a Narc, got tired and bogged down about narcissism and just wanted some positivity in my life. There's stages to letting go of this trauma bond. Look into Ross Roseneberg, and codependency and self love deficit. That really helped.
Please think about your future self, consider your future children and loved ones. You wouldn't want anyone to waste time on a wasteman why would you do this to yourself any longer. You will have to persuade yourself that there will be no closure and he's just a horrible person. You weren't created to worship this man. When I read this line I felt sick. I was obsessed and almost worshipping a man who was blocking me and messing with my head.
I found myself some standards cursed him out and blocked him for GOOD. I had the last word not that it matters but it felt good.
@Hasfa Bahar thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me. It means so much to talk to someone who understand what I am currently going through. Everyone I talk to gets mad at me and just says leave like use common sense. He’s a dick and he treats u like shit the majority of the time unless it’s convenient for him to use u. And they’re right. And my brain knows that but my heart remembers the good times for some reason. It’s really nice to hear from someone and get support. Thanks for taking the time out of your day to reply back to me.
3 years no contact and I relapsed yesterday. Thank you, Dr R, for reassuring me. Got hoovered-in. Took the bait. Hang over today. I’m going to be kind to myself and give myself a break for being vulnerable. I’m just a human, trying to keep my capacity for love and learning again that it’s okay to fall down. Picking myself up is what really matters.
. . . . and remember you did it before (3 yrs!!!) you can and WILL do it again.
Yes! Self care and I noticed when my mind wanders it wanders to thoughts of what could have been. I’m new to no contact. It feel like a punishment because I ever wanted this.
Yes, I never wanted this either; but one day you will come to the realization (it may hit you like a ton of bricks, as it did me) that THIS IS my new reality - there is nothing I can do to change this person - this person/relationship was never meant to be more than it was (just surface in my case) and I had to move on - how? by meeting other people who enjoy me for me, whether that is new people in my life or current loved ones who love me for just me. You WILL get there, believe that!@@JUMPforyourLIFE
Knowing this is much more useful than everything I learned in High School and College. This should be taught in Schools. Recognizing Toxic People and knowing their tactics as well as maneuvering around them served more useful than Sophomore Geometry ever has.
As a high school teacher, I strongly agree!! So few people have emotional and relationship literacy, and they certainly have no literacy in mental health issues.
Yes, I agree 100%!
No Kidding! Yet the system depends on our robotic behaviour to a narcs' bossiness! These vids are the best thing since sliced 🍞 bread!
So true... We really need this information out in schools ...how to recognise toxic individuals ... This will help save a lot of lives
Yes. Teach it in schools. Enlighten everyone. The more that people become aware of narcissism the less power the narcissist will wield. Had I only learned of this earlier. Please teach it in schools.
Breaking no contact just about consolidated my trauma bond. I got myself trapped even worse than before. Holy moly. I learned my lesson after touching that scorching hot stove. I'm wiser now.
When I ended the relationship with my ex after last relapse, the feeling I was experiencing was total embarrasment and wanted to hide from the world. When I was in public I felt I was on a major walk of shame scene, fear and distrust is still very present. These people hurt your soul
Being hurt and ashamed for being stupid is human. Don't beat yourself up
for "lapsing". Instead, hold your head up and be proud that you are a good soul
and that you have character. We all have fallen short of the glory...Bible verse.
I felt the exact same way
@@DucatiDoyle me too
I often felt like that in the relationship as he often smeared my name. I just wanted to hide away. I broke no contact yesterday. Just to let him know he was accountable. Wish I hadn’t. He instantly twisted things round, acted so reasonable and calm. Probably loved it. Never mind it’s a lapse but onwards and upwards it continues to be.
"Be kind to yourself" what a nice humane, empowering message by Ramani . So needed by people who were so deeply diminished , humiliated, invalidated and feel self-doubtful .
Over 15 years I've gone back 13 times. I'm now 42 and wasted a lot of time, however I do feel that the lessons I am learning are not wasted.
I got away from the narc and when I started getting back to myself again, I broke no contact and got sucked into the relationship again and he began to change up his tactics to get me to believe he changed. And fast forward 5 years later and I have to get out again. It's safe to say, I learned this lesson the hard way and I pray that no one else has to go through that.
I've been through this with 2 different people, you can do it. Stay strong and do only what is best for you.
My Narc has not done this to me personally yet, because I never really let them go up until recently. But I would go through his phone from time to time (just to confirm that my suspicions weren’t me being crazy) and saw that he did this with lots of women. They would cut him off and move on, and typical narc behavior, he would curse them out and make them feel like shit before leaving. And then months later came the “I miss you, I want you back in my life. I’m sorry for what I did.” And seemed super genuine, until I realized he was laid up with me every night, so those sentiments couldn’t be real. And I thought to myself “Wow, this guy is good. He gets them back every time!” And they would break the no contact swearing that this time would be different. Even one ex I would share notes with and I thought she was gone for good. But now she’s hims primary source now. So I was the one discarded.
@@FreeVoni it was a year before he came knocking on my door again, but my ex narc does his best to keep all the exs on the back burner and ready to be sucked in when he wants them. Yours will probably do the same and cycle back to you after he burns his bridges. He discarded you cuz you're not an easy target, 💪👑 he'll be back and you'll be ready.
Oops, cut your losses, we here's all a tribe of been there done that, perhaps I can be brave enough to throw in 'not our proudest moment' but there's no cherry to be had atop the whipped brain, heal well, you were only being kind to your favorite dumb animal! Xoxo
thats why i left mine when i gave him my 2nd chance , cause i know my self how i ma get if i get discardes
No contact relapse happened at least 5 times to me. Will be a full year next month with absolutely ZERO contact... 6th (or so) time's the charm, I guess lol
Whatever works! Congrats! That's alot of times too aye, if only once did the trick, but I guess it wouldn't be real life, we're so hopeful in these situations, such an "Say it ain't so" eye opener!
I have cut off and relapsed over 6/7 times. Each time I went back it was the same argument, same reasons why I'm not 'good enough', same insecurities, same selfishness. It doesn't get any better and you literally just have to accept it. Ive gone no contact for good this time! /
Did it get worse
It's OKAY! you are not alone out here with narcissists!
I went no contact for 5 years. Got lonely during the pandemic. Reached out and 2 months later, the drama started again. A few days ago, I cut all ties. So far, I have been ignoring the texts and phone calls. Feeling stronger every day.
It’s been five years this week no contact. There is no desire to break it. I wish all the rest of you luck in staying strong. The harder ones I did I can relate with.
I went no contact for a month. Had his number blocked, he showed up at my house unannounced. He told me everything I wanted to hear so badly from him. I fell back into the trap. It felt so good to be held again. It was damn near euphoric. The next day I realized what I had done and told him never to do this to me again. He didnt listen, of course. Be better than me, and stay safe
i hope ur doing good, my brother called me that he came our house and i told him pass him to me... we spoke sweet and i was like"awwe babe im on my way wait for me there" i drove egearly , as i got there he though i was going to recieve him with open arms... but noooooo girl, i power walk to that door as i got off and once i saw him to curse him out and told my brother get the bat! and if u dont leave i ma call the police get the f*ck out of our house! and he never came again... of course the private calls increase( changed my number) fake FB acounts request ( changed the request option) ... and i caught him a few times driving around my house especially in the weekends... till i finally got my own place and never tild anyone i moved out exceot my fam of course... hes crazy
How long before he showed up at your house
@@ceyciemateo9411 the first time, a month. Then he showed up again 4-5 months after that, but I didn’t answer the door. The emails and text messages didn’t stop until a little over two years later. It’s been a while now since he’s done anything.
I broke my no contact rule this past week and am feeling it today. He offered me closure. He checked to see if I wanted to reconcile. I felt strong, but by Friday omg I was ready to disappear under a rock.
I'm with you ...
Did the same. I'm sorry.
In matter of minutes, I was reminded of all the sorrow and sadness I endured over the last 7 years. So cavalier he was with me.
I feel your pain. You are not alone ❤
Thank you Dr. Ramani!! Broke no contact a couple of months ago and part of me am glad cause it gave me peace of mind that things will never change or get healthy. Thank you for your compassion and helping us find courage to heal 😍
Same
I feel like I am always on trial and I am rarely acknowledged for doing or being a good person.. When I have the nerve to express my opinion or life experiences, respectfully, I am told that I don't know what I am talking about or to prove it. This is the strangest behavior I have ever come across in a highly functioning adult. I always feel beat up and drained after a single conversation. I choose very generic topics in an attempt to avoid conflict. I am tired. ...but that darn hope😖
mademoisellecm1 Same thing with me.
Then after my dr’s degree the parents call me arrogant and say I think I’m so much better than the rest of my sibs. Because of my piece of paper, “degree”.
Look at me now, listen to me now doesn’t work with narcissists. After all my parents know a lot. They both are high school dropouts. And they kept us four siblings fighting, all of these years with their gossip... they are 83/84.
No I don’t like them!!!
"Can't win for trying" they wanna make you squirm!
I feel like I could have written this comment myself. Wow, kind of comforting to know that I am not the only one going through this.
Dear Friend, I understand your struggles and solidarize with you! I recommend (in fact I urge you) that you read Dr. Ramani's life-saving book "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" There is her brilliant audio recording of this book too. It is absolutely life-saving for people like us trying to free ourselves from these narcissistic involvements. Blessings to you!!
... how many times have I not gone through thus shit w my abuser. Giving her rides to work and back, sometimes she would press her hand on my mouth not wanting to hear anything I, kindly, wanted to say...god, I am glad I found this online community. Never again.
I relapsed and then realized he had nothing new to say. I knew then that I was too old for his bullshit.
😂 That last part! 😂
I came to the same conclusion.
I reached out for a brief moment....then slapped myself inside my head! Went no contact and blocked him permanently! What it was was a brain fart! Like an addiction! No more EVER! Great lesson because HE did not respond Thank GOD!
When you said "General unhealthy space" I felt that Dr. Ramani Thank you
*I Cant Live Like That*
"Hope and narcissism don't mix". So accurate!! That was the final lesson I think I needed to learn from the last involvement (it is never a true relationship!)with a narcissist. I considered my one-time 15 minute relapse after a year as a "refresher course". There may be Good in everyone, but if somone isn't willing to connect with their own True Good (not superficial "good" acts), you are not going to be able to connect with theirs, either. No matter what. That has been my biggest lesson in my life of narcissist involvements. Starting with my own father. I was always trying to break through their "wall" to the True Good in them, and have a real connection. They REALLY don't want that. Lesson learned. Thank you.....jerks. lol
That's a great way to put it.
Yes they do Not want you to brake trough… that is my expierience too. ONCE You get near and think Now we are Close i See him and he Sees me…. Then There Will be a Little thing he Takes to get Angry and he Users to Build the Wall up!!!
Its realy like walking on egg Shells… Every Crack they use to pull you Away…,, and to Tell you that you are the one that destroys it even in the Moment the narc had the feeling he is Save with you!!! 🤪 for me thats a mind fuck Every Time i have Hope…,
3 years no contact! I deleted all my social media and changed my number and my life changed completely. I had those relapses guys, it's ok if you do but you will slowly realise that you an do this. And then there will be no looking back......you will get there.
Thanks for these words ❤️ I sent him a Hi yesterday. But no response. I feel like hiding my face now
Sadly I found this to be true. It was a recurring pattern throughout my childhood. Having a dysfunctional family you are never surrounded by a healthy environment or thought process to intervein on your behalf...it's all you know. It truly is formed out of habit & no one questioning the "illness" that is inherent in the family unit. Even into adulthood the HOPE was the hardest thing to let go of...but, closure & a healthy relationship I don't believe is possible with a narcissist. Love & self forgiveness to us all....
I have had a few relapses. One time I was out for 8 months, that was a few years ago. This time I have Dr. Ramani's videos to watch and understand so much more about narcissism. I was feeling a little lonely today. I watched some videos, & feel back on track. I just don't have the energy to go thru it again. I appreciate having the community & the support too.
I have watched three today for a re-inoculation ! Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I had a relapse but not a bad one just tested the waters and got the reminder .....I LOVE YOU ALL THANKS FOR ALL YOUR HONESTY AND SUPPORT AND LOVE AND WE ALL GOT THIS WE HEAL TOGETHER !
I never knew what I was dealing with. Your advice on being kind to yourself through all the stages of this interaction is the best I've received in these six months of revelation and no-contact. Yes, I relapsed and yes, he was manipulative, but the worst part was how stupid I felt afterwards. Be gentle with yourself because you can't count on anyone else doing it.
In my last narc relationship, I left him a few times. But, the no contact relapse brought me back to him several times. I gave him the benefit of the doubt many times (I never give this advice to anyone at all anymore. I never tell people to give the benefit of the doubt. I took this advice and found it was harmful). I broke things off from my ex over 6 months ago. I blocked his phone number, muted his ability to text me, blocked his email (he had a couple addresses). Well, he found a way to email me. He has two new email addresses that are not blocked. I have not replied to his emails. I got a birthday card today from him. Reading his words, I can feel his lack of empathy. I can feel that he is still oblivious as to why I had to remove him from my life. I had warned him earlier in our relationship that if I felt I was not valued in a relationship, then I would not be around, I would leave. Although I went back to him several times, the last time was the last for me. He showed me that he does not truly value me in his life, nor does he have any feelings about my safety. Although he has recently said in his emails and the card he sent me that he loves me and wants me in his life, I know going back would be a toxic move on my part. I am sad that he is wired the way he is. But, he and others like him that I have been with, have taught me that I am my own source of love and companionship. I am my "soul mate". They have also shown me where I can be a better person to myself and others.
Thank you Dr Ramani for these videos. Your spot on Red Table talk is what helped me figure out my ex is a narcissist (covert) and no amount of hoping, wishing, or therapy would make him into a viable person for me to be in a relationship with.
Paradoxically getting back together with my narcissist was fantastic in the end. Of course, it broke down, of course, it was painful. But I was left in no doubt whatsoever that this person would never change and that we were not a match. So in the end it gave me full closure inasmuch as I never wanted to hear from or see that person again. I've moved on now and when I look back all I see is a non-person. So there you go, no size fits all.
I felt like I was strong enough solid enough in myself and I was wrong 😂😂
Your videos have changed my life. Some days I just wanted it all to end and your videos have saved me 🌹
Dear Dr. Ramani,
If I haven't found your channel, I would have gone back... but now I know I never ever will! Thank you very much, your work is amazing! I learned awfully lot not just about narcissism but about myself as well. Please keep up the GREAT work!
Dear Dr. Ramani, I am so impressed by who accurate all your videos are. I look at all the serie from the beginning since a few weeks, and everything you talk about happened to me. Everything. In every detail. That is stunning, I must say.
With my parents, the family, some people I’ve kown during my life, one therapist (a BIG narcissist among others who haven’t a clue about narcissisme as a patern…), with an ex husband, etc…
I can hardly tell who much your work helps me to resurrect ! I am 49 now. I live in France (where narcissism is not understood yet). And yes, I resurrect every single day, thanks to heavy insight and awareness, every single hour. Big big difference now.
You give us tools, hope, confidence, not only personaly, but also to Humanity.
You make us feel cared about. That means a lot.
God bless you, Dr. Ramani. God bless you. You are a gift.
With love, from Paris 🥰 ( yes, postcard like 😇).
Pauline.
My npd went through the cycle very fast. Like every two weeks. The first couple discards, I was confused. But she wanted me back the next day. Then they got worse and the break in between was longer. Finally, when the devaluation would start, I would just leave. She would always hoover a week later with an email titled urgent 911. Now that I'm sober and she's back in her hometown, I've been listening to these videos and going to therapy. No contact is truly the only way. You can't fix them, you can't be friends and you can't make the relationship work..the person you fell for doesn't exist. It was just an illusion.
Once ! And I decided to block all media of communication. I can’t ever allow myself to be hurt and lose control of everything like that again.
I felt obliged to get back in contact with my narcissistic parents during the pandemic. I think I was influenced by societal pressure to check that my 'elderly' parents were ok. Well, they've had their vaccinations now and I've gone no contact for good. They both haven't changed which is no surprise. I have to think of my sanity and mental health, pandemic or no pandemic.
What was it like when you went back
After 9 months of no contact, he sent me a gift through my children for my birthday. I felt I had to unblock and contact him to thank him and to ask him not to send gifts anymore, and I also asked him not to use our children to convince me to return back and to stop letting our children feel guilty of not doing enough to our relationship. He said he will never lose hope, he knows one day when I think well, I will return to him.
This video is so important. I won't fall for his manipulation and his nice words.
The longer you talk to them the higher the chance you can fall back into their lies and manipulation. Dr. Ramani is on point for sure with her videos. Wish I had known this 13 years ago
Closure is being strong enough to never look back ✌❤
I relapsed after 5 years and it was devastating. You would never believe the nightmare if I told you. I barely got out alive.
Thank you. It's just what I needed to hear as old, warm feelings come bubbling up again.
I went back in again, cos I thought I could make him better - this time! I was arrogant, ignorant and so wrong! He was worse! I then had to pull out the tendrils from my gut one by one till I could get free again. Now, I'm here thank G-d! Bless Dr Ramani
No contact is indeed fabulous. I did try that “I can have one glass of wine” thing years ago and after they peeled me off of the ceiling fan I had to come to terms with reality. 😬
This narcissistic fool is small potatoes in comparison. I’m eternally grateful to have found someone as down to earth about the subject as Dr Ramani. Namaste
I couldn't agree more. I was 'no contact' with my narc sibling for about 10 years. I was forced to contact them about an inheritance. I would not have broken the NC otherwise. Their nastiness reappeared within a VERY short time. In that 10 years I was able to interact without getting upset when previously a phone conversation would set me off for hours. You are absolutely right--the narc will never change. Choose peace and good mental health--go full no contact if possible.
Jo Swearingen I have a nasty Narc sibling too. The no contact relapse is painful and frustrating. The sooner you forgive yourself, get back on track and move on the better. Knowing that it happens to others lets you know it is normal, you are human and you can do it again and regain your peace.
@@gloriastroedecke2717 I did what I had to, not out of wishful thinking but legal obligation. Our interaction just reinforced that my original decision was the right one.There's nothing to forgive myself for--only a sense of 'Well, I can go back to avoiding that nightmare."
Jo Swearingen Yes. You had an obligation and you fulfilled it. Everyone's situation is different.
I have gone no contact with all eight of my siblings for almost 15 years. There have been occasions during the past five years where I almost backslid.
About every six months, I would receive a heart wrenching message from one of them. They would be almost identical: "I had you on my mind. So I called just so I could hear your voice. I guess I'll have to settle for hearing your voicemail greeting."
They sounded so sad, and it had been such a long time.... Then, just when I was about to cave, something clicked in the back of my head.
Something about their message would trigger the memory of one of the worst experiences I had had with that person. It would remind me of why I had had to end contact in the first place.
@@mervyngreene6687 Pity shopping is one of a narcissist's tools. My sib would ask for something in a 'reasonable' tone. If I said no, they would try the pity approach. Still no, then they would become enraged. Same pattern every time.
Finally full no contact with my mother when I was 59. 6 years later, and not going back. with help, things are much more normal for me, no longer in the loop of things constantly going around in my head.and I have regained some energy. There will always be a sadness this had to be.
i give u props idk what ill do if my mom was a narcissist, :(( ill proably suffered alot cause i love her so much;(
@@eveningowl9443 Thank you so much.
I share your feelings. The same here.
same here. we need to give ourselves HUGE amount of love for things we were not given in this world.
Amazing video. I have thought about going back into contact with my family of origin many many times. I went No Contact with both of my parents (both Sociopaths) and my two sisters (both are on the Narcissistic spectrum somewhere) almost two years ago. I was the family scapegoat for decades upon decades. They were cruel, demeaning, bullying, invalidating, manipulative, etc. I felt their constant contempt and gaslighting. When I went into therapy and finally faced the severity of the abuse I had PTSD and debilitating anxiety. It got to the point where they literally made me sick. When I faced the abuse my whole body broke down. I had such severe body pains that I was more or less bed ridden for about a year and a half. I am doing better now but still healing. And the crazy thing is that as I get better physically I start to miss them! I know! It's crazy! There was literally no feeling of being loved for who I was in these relationships but this is my family of origin. I keep wanting to have one final conversation with my father who is intensely controlling, manipulative and insulting. I got so tired of all the abuse, the insults, the lies, the nastiness, the mind games that literally my body felt ill just thinking about them but I also have this other side of me that still loves them and wants to be able to go back to having some level of contact that I am comfortable with. But that is a dangerous road to walk I know. I really understand when you say it is like an addiction. It's just so hard when it is your whole family. But again, I always felt terrible in these relationships. I felt worthless, abused, controlled, manipulated and gaslighted constantly. I don't want that again! I often wonder why I still have a desire to go back to that!
It’s normal. Healing is not linear. I have gone back and it does NOT change. We just are empathetic beings and when we’re happy and healthy we want to project that love on to others we were once close to. But take that energy and put it on people in your life that really love you and treat you with care. Create your new family/tribe and trust me you won’t even want to go back to your Narc “family” anymore. It’s just the illusion that we sometimes have a hard time getting rid of. Break the illusion and see them for the truth of who they are. You are doing a great job. Keep going. Peace & light on your healing journey!🦋💫
Thank you so much I really needed this reassurance, I have just broken up for the third time after 35 years of marriage, only finding out five years ago what I had been dealing with. And now I know I am strong enough to move forward with all my children’s support. I am going no contact so I can heal and never look back. I have so much anger and hate for him inside for what he put my children and I through. That will never leave me now. I don’t know if that is wrong but it feels right to me.
The relapse definitely happens. I was "on the hook" for a while. Couldn't understand how this happened so I would call to get answers. I was still dealing with emotions that only I had. I had to come to grips with that part. Then one day I just stopped reaching out. I processed information for what it was and I knew circumstances wouldn't change. Him being out of my life has been the best answer(closure) I ever received. Filling my life with friends, family, and my hobbies was self soothing. Don't get me wrong, he comes across my mind from time to time, but DEFINITELY not the same way when I thought I was in love with him. It gets easier folks. *know your worth*
Omg! I've been continuously watching your videos for the last couple of days to get myself back on track! and this particular one really hit home! I just don't know how to tell you how grateful I am for your channel, Dr Ramani that I wish I could jump into my screen and give you a hug...I slipped and going through the whole emotional roller coaster and thought I was weak after all the hard work that I've done educating myself about this curse to humanity. Thank you so much for validating my experience and comforting me with your words of wisdom, love and care..
Thank you for these videos. They have been so profoundly helpful to me in the wake of processing my trauma from my narcissistic, abusive ex. You can't get closure from your abuser but knowing why they act like they do and that it never had anything to do with you (the victim) being wrong or at fault really helps melt away all the self gaslighting and doubt.
You’re beautiful, and your personality and teaching is rich and impactful. Need this! Thank you!
Omg I know now why I’m so obsessed with doctor ramani it turns out she’s a Capricorn December 30th. I’m Taurus lol I freaking adore youuuuuuuh😘🥰
"I am my own source of love and companionship" and " I am my soul mate"
I have been no contact with a narc for 10 months. Suddenly I got a text the narc reaching out. I had to come here and listen to you Dr. Ramani.. Just to remind myself I have one life... I cannot die twice... 🤔🤔😍
Doctor Ramani, you have (again) saved me from making a terrible mistake, this time around the holiday season. Thank you for all of your work on clinical narcissism. Your videos have been hugely beneficial as a supplement to my own therapy sessions.
Thanks again Dr. Ramani! What timing! I tried to give my narcissist a chance knowing what the outcome would be. And sure enough he wouldn't listen. So he is now blocked from texting me and any calls he tries to make will go straight to voicemail. I blocked him on Saturday so your live stream this morning was a wonderful reenforcement of my actions. Thank you so much!
I really needed this, thank you ❤️ After over a decade of no contact, I had a no contact relapse and sure enough the invalidation and emotional abuse continued. I’ve now gone no contact for good and it feels great. Thank you again for all of your help on this.
It hurts so much that I feel really horrible about it but it is healthy for me in the end.. I feel it as an instinct
My therapist was sick when it was a critical time for me. This channel replaced her for a while. Thank you so much.
no contact (or breaking
up) makes it way worse and so here i am. even half a day of no contact and he was desperate. it’s scary. just doing grey rock as much as i can but it’s draining and wastes my time and makes me feel like i am losing my life to this “game.” i don’t need closure, just for it to go away.
7 times . I went no contact after sixth time ending it. I relapsed and the seventh was the last. And yes Dr Ramani you're right, it only served to remind me of what it was I was leaving - the coldness, the contempt, and the love bombing was so short it was barely there, in fact it revived very very quickly the trauma bond , it is pure addiction and I'm glad I got out of there for the last time, don't go back anyone who is tempted, best advice.
Having a mother who offers support say they love you only to put you down and insult you every time
@Enablers are a HUGE part of the problem i know the pattern well. However just recently talking to my mum again.
All I can say is NEVER (unless you have to for custody agreement reasons) read anything they send you and DEFINITELY don't respond. I made that mistake recently when I was home over the Xmas holiday and his messages really got in my head and triggered a lot of depression and panic/anxiety. If I'd just blocked him without reading the messages, yeah, I'd have still been mildly triggered, but it wouldn't have been as bad. I had ZERO hope of him having changed and didn't want to see him, but when I responded to his first message and then blocked him, he just created another fake profile to message me from...and then a third one after that. Acknowledging them in any way is like starting that "if you give a mouse a cookie" effect but on meth or angel dust or whatever combination of psychosis-inducing drugs you can think of.
I find it so bizarre that when I’m at a weak moment one of your videos comes up and you are hitting the nail on the head ! I love it. You are certainly making me stronger and I’m seeing that my ex partner will never change. I have gone no contact, blocking him via phone and social media 4 days now from my first relapse. I was so annoyed at myself having to start the struggle all over but here I am back in 4 days in xxx thank you for making me strong.
Hi ...I left him three wk ago .think of him and who he love bombing now. But I took him back twice and got worse second time within days. Nasty
I went back possibly 30 times and it never got better
Damn
Dr. Ramani---
You just spoke life back into my deflated soul. Thank you for reminding me that I only had a setback. I gained my confidence from healing, and wanted to believe the goodness in humanity again, only to get sent right back through the cycle. I learned my lesson. I'm still healed. I just had a setback.
To further clarify, it is a co-parenting situation, which can be sticky, but now I know how to keep that guard up and boundaries safely in place!!!
Thank you for your work, encouragement, and light!!
I'm always amazed at how on point you are Dr Ramani. My experience is that when I relapsed, and knowing what i know through your channel, I could quickly recognize the gaslighting and manipulations. It's sooo wonderful to be in control and to be able to walk away this time... They never change... 20 years later, still the same!
Your videos are timeless. I'm already mentally and emotionally preparing myself for the 2020 holiday season. I can definitely do without the dastardly manipulations of the narc in my life and the pain of watching her manipulate others. I will instead hold close the gifts I have received from learning how to be my own best friend. Thank you.
Yep! I did it last year, I gets harder to get back up. But I'm noticing my length of time it takes me, is getting shorter which is a good sign.
Dear Dr. Ramani, Thank you so much. I recently had a 4 day relapse after going no contact for 52 days. I missed him and reached out thinking we can be friends. How wrong was I. I felt so disappointed in myself - lots of shame. This made me feel better. I am back on track. Thank you for keeping me strong.
Youre AMAZING Dr Ramani. Thank you for all you've done unknowingly to help me and thank you on behalf of everyone else that you've helped.
This channel is a source of hope 🙏 thank Doctor Ramani, I recently relapsed just after new year and broke my no contact rule with my narcissist. Big mistake, but now back on the healing journey.
me too
Hi...I did same after ending it in November. Lasted three wk. He was nastier. Good he showed me. End.
Oh my God unbelievable what ever you are saying every thing i experienced every thing you said I was in and out for 6 times .thank you soooooooooo much Dr and your team .
'hope and narcissism is a really bad mix' absolutely spot on doctor!
what great advice from a loving heart. this really made me feel ok about my no contact relapse! aint gonna happen again!
Nailed it - I’m attention deficit and it’s hard for me to hold on to the lesson. :). I think that is why I ruminate so much.
I ruminated alot lately but it worked out for me because I've got to tell family members what she'd done to me as I'm working at staying no contact! I believe that they were surprised to learn of her in-depth cruelty and how I managed to never mention it prior! I guess I'm letting them know as a way of reinforcing my freedom from her!
AlphaDog Elite3 just something for you to maybe Ponder. what I got from what you said was that you were thinking that you were ruminating a lot because you were sad. let's reverse that for a minute. Do you think that you get sad because you ruminate a lot? just a humble suggestion Google how to quit ruminating videos. good luck to you. I know it has helped me immensely or I wouldn't bring it up. :-)
Little Iodine Thanks, actually I meant I’m attention deficit disordered. I think I ruminate so I don’t forget how bad things got. I need to remember or I’ll gloss over it and forget just how cruel this person was.
the audio is so clear. i love it.
Went back 5 times already... you are absolutely right. Now my body wants me to stay away and give up hope. My body is like no way! I know what peace is now..
Hi. Michelle. Hope you are doing great now.
Dr Ramani is awesome. Everything she said I can totally relate. She helps me so much with moving on from my recent breakup with narc ex. There were moments that I was so weak and just wanted to pick up the phone and call my ex but instead I listened to her clips and that just reminded me of the miserable time that I was in that relationship. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani.
So glad to hear you say that going back several times is common place. Please can you do a video on how drinking makes this worse, because it keeps you in the toxic relationship. Glass of wine...oh....I'll reply to that text.......another glass of wine.....I'll phone him.....one more glass.....and we're back together! The last time I split up with my narcissistic ex I was sober, so I know what happened. I know the truth. I am still sober, and not once have I been tempted to reply to a text or email, and have even refused to answer the door. I cannot repeat the farce of a relationship again, it took up nearly 7 years of my life.
drinking truly does make it worse
I would appreciate a video about this too! I broke contact after drinking too much yesterday. I messaged to remind them of bad things they did and that everyone knew. I feel so ashamed 😢
Thank you, Dr Ramani, I needed to hear this today.
Me, too!!!
so true! When I broke up for good, people kept telling me , when are you ready to forgive him? Almost no one understood that the only person I had to forgive,was myself… for falling in the same trap, when I gave a second chance (after 6 months of no contact)… Sometimes you have to go back to understand how wrong the relationship worked and how much you have molded to the other person, forgetting who you are, what you want...when you spend time alone you start to reconnect with yourself again,and when you come back, the narcissist is wanting the "old" you, the controllable you, and if you show some strength, they will look out for someone else… but believe me , it will be the best thing that will happen for you!
You never ever ever give them a second chance