Portal 2 - Every Single Cave Johnson Line (Almost)
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- Опубликовано: 21 июн 2021
- I made this because everywhere I looked on RUclips, the lines from the main campaign and the community chambers were separate. I also added the Portal 2 advertisements that Cave narrated. If I missed any lines, please let me know.
I did add a few Caroline lines that interact with Cave's lines.
This helped a lot: theportalwiki.com/wiki/Cave_J...
I didn't include the deleted and extended lines from the wiki page above because I didn't have the audio, I would've included them if I did.
And of course: all content is owned by Valve, I just edited everything.
Notice: this kind of content belongs on my archival channel, but it's too late lol 
Развлечения
I think I'm missing one line but I can't find it anywhere, it was about not agitating and testing around some other people that showed up or something
edit: this video belongs on my archival channel but i'm just gonna leave it here anyway
Well done though!
Valve gave us over an hour and a half of Cave content last year lol
gotta update it eventually
Cave cube? Also, Caroline's "Mr. Johnson I don't want this" - both of these were unused in the final game
Was it "If groups of hunter-gatherers appear to have made this - or any - test chamber their home, DO NOT AGITATE THEM. Test through them."? I'm pretty sure that line is only said by the announcer (and GLaDOS in an unused clip).
Imagine being a Black Mesa employee, and finding out your rivals managed to create multi-dimensional travel decades before you even began work on teleportation.
I keep wondering who the mole was...or did they just figure out Mr. Johnson's password..
And then they rename your facility "Laperture"
This sounds like the whole “prime Rick” “c 137” Rick and Morty thing 😂
And its the same company that injected gasoline into peoples blood and took apart hobos with no apparent goal
Imagine being an aperture employee and finding out one of your rival's employees singe handedly stopped the apocalypse
Protect JK Simmons at all costs.
No need, Cave's already immortal. 😎
He has a laser cannon in Mount Rushmore, which is plenty of protection
@@brickcraftproductions3065 omg lmao... So Cave Johnson is now President Ackerman?
Bro have you SEEN him? Dudes fucking jacked. I think he can protect himself lmfao
"Say goodbye Caroline"
"Goodbyeee Caroline! 😊"...
"She is a gem!"
😂😂😂😂😂😂
"Goodbye Caroline..."
She is very personable
@@trial_with_an_error9687 "Goodbye...sir.."
@@trial_with_an_error9687GLaDOS: Goodbye **short pause** Caroline
I love how literally the last thing you ever hear him say is "Cave Johnson, we're done here"
What's funnier, is the fact it's only AFTER they find the infinite money universe he just disappears LMAO Talk about a good businessman!
Say what you want about Cave. At least his teleportation technology never caused an alien invasion that led to the whole world becoming one giant dystopia.
Nah it did. Just at some differing point in the infinite multiverse. Probably the same damn one where G-Man is getting constantly hunted by a renegade Chell while Gordon is input into the GlaDOS system. Or it might be the one with "goopy" people.
"How good is our science? Get a load of this! I'm
D E A D."
"Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, 'Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that phone book of a contract I signed? Am I in danger?' Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash."
goat talk
He is so quotable
9:51
here’s the life and lemons monologue
thank you
Cave Johnson just preventing half life
I'd imagine he fired Gordon Freeman, poor Gordon
“Lab boys” Bean Counters”
When you’re the boss you can use whatever terms you want to describe people beneath you
Im just realizing the 2 alternate testers were probably Atlas and P-Body cuz of the high five taunt they have.
Wich means that the GLaDOS that we all know and love probably also has access to the Multiverse
@@davisdf3064 wonder what she needs the multiverse for?
@@A_Funne_Boi
Resources, Space, Energy production, the Multiverse is usefull for pratically anything.
That's why i would love if GLaDOS appeared at any point in Half-Life, she would be so DAMN powerful.
@@davisdf3064 in fact, Cave Johnson talked about black mesa. so GlaDos could appear
@@A_Funne_Boi poker
Erik Wolpaw, lead writer on Portal 2, is such a comedic genius
He also wrote half life 2 episode one and episode two and half life alyx. His writing is amazing
I like the idea of Pure Intellect Cave being in that Portal 1 GLaDOS with the tiny little head and the voice coming out of it just being normal not robotized Cave voice.
Explains why he wants to scratch his nose so badly
explains Aperture Desk Job quite well.
ever since i watched gravity falls i can't disconnect these two characters bc they share a voice actor (jk simmons voiced both stanford pines and cave johnson) so listening to this is REALLY funny to me
Wait he voiced STANFORD PINES?
@@Queen_Miku HE DID
@@PH0B0PH1L1A I never knew-
im literally jyst about to rewatch this whole video but imagining cave johnson as ford, and of his assistants as fiddlford, and ball just making random appearances
@@JustADoodle00 I keep imagining that cave is gonna ask his employees to get him photos of spooder man
I genuinely did not know that they got J. K. Simmons to voice Cave Johnson. I thought it was just someone who sounded exactly like him.
🤣🤣🤣…I knew it him immediately! ❤❤
Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, persistent dry cough or your heart stopping, because that's not part of the test.
That's asbestos.
The dark humor in portal is great. That line had me wheezing the first time I heard it.
@@nonameman7114Much like asbestos.
@@nonameman7114oh no.
@@nonameman7114 I have something to tell you
Cave Johnson: Enter the Portalverse
Cave Johnson: Across the Portalverse
Cave Johnson: Beyond the Portalverse
Those movies were so damn good.
First movie: "Hey, Wallace! Press the green button for me!"
Second movie: "My name is Wheatley, but you can call me the Turret King."
Third movie: "Alright, whose damn lemons are these!? Life's!?"
@@BaxterAndLunala Third movie post credit scene: "OW OW OW SHIT SHIT HOT HOT HOT HOT!!! WRITE THIS DOWN!!! HOT HOT OW!!!"
_Cave Johnson: Portalverse of Combustible Lemons Madness_
Imagine discovering the multiverse as a capitalistic endeavour
The announcer pack for Dota 2 has more lines of Cave Johnson than all of Portal 2 lol
31:26
...
ummh ... I think he went through too many parallel universes issues
19:27 “Don’t make me call the dance police.” 😂
"do NOT get covered in the repulsion gel. We havent nailed down exactly what element it is but i'll tell ya this, its a lively one and it does not like the human skeleton"
“Get the fuck out of my sight before I demolish you!”
Portal 2 really is one of the best games ever. Watching those commercials just made me remember how amazing that time was. Last real game Valve released before near silence for a decade.
Cave Johnson's writing makes me want them to make a million more before JK Simmons passes. The idea of a company who was making stuff so advanced but never came out because they were so concerned with testing that they went bankrupt before they could. They were so far ahead that they had portals in the 60s while black mesa had a much worse version 40 years later. So excited for them to explore this universe more.
Black Mesa probably got portals a little bit earlier than 40 years, judging by the state of the old prototype labs in Blue Shift
@@tpd1864blake but is blue shift canon?
@tricursor2481 I remember my friend telling me that everything Valve makes is canon. If that's true, then yes.
ruclips.net/video/jFNUUtrBSmU/видео.html (this video is about opposing force, not blue shift, but they're both gearbox expansions)
@@Sacren365 but Valve didnt make opposing force or blue shift. These were externally developed spin offs.
It's subtle but Cave starts off fairly amicable and assuring the testers. Also has plans in place if something goes wrong.
Later, when Apeture starts struggling, he gets more brusque and dismissive and the tests get more dangerous.
Then he starts ranting to himself more and more and insulting people.
I cannot stop associating that voice with J Jonah Jameson.
Same VA
They are both JK simmons and work their employee to death so yeah you can't
@@furimushiboth are based tho
I think of Stanford Pines.
I associate with Terrence Fletcher "Are you rushing or dragging?"
This guy was really cool!
Too bad the funky space rocks got him
27:14. Probably one of my favorite Caves(Johnson's? Cave Johnson's? Ah who cares, point is he is one of the best)
My favourite is the Roach one that tested the homo-sapiens injection.
I feel like Jay Jonah Jameson would get along with Cave
Any of those dimensions got pictures of spiderman?
@@shaeisgae8952
Spider-Man with combustible lemons rushing or dragging the Fire Nation attack?
Every line is pure gold in both writing and delivery what a treat
29:50 Noooo... they cancled GLaDOS..
JK Simmons is freaking incredible.
15:29
Simmons is a legend
Yes he is. A meme legend as well (because of J. Jonah Jameson's laugh). :)
This was much needed.
Damn, they knew asbestos was bad in the 40s, thats crazy
JK Simmons is a literal treasure. The Man is sarcasm made manifest.
Think he was just riffing? 😂😂
*S T O P*
*I M P O S T I N G*
NEVER
Oh, you stubborn... handsome devil.
37:30
Personal Favourite series of lines
2:10 - 4:10
9:13
Ignore me I just need the time stamp for when my monologue starts
Tiny microchip about the size of a postcard
12:20 oh they did sone play tests to know people would stab eachover in the back
My favorite line:
"They told me to not do pre-recorded messages, that gave me a idea, MAKE MORE PRE-RECORDED MESSAGES"
Same with "That's a Elevator, not a Bathroom." XD
i genuinely watched this whole video
Make them understand the gravity of the situation and their error and their crimes against jon. Very very serious
Those lines about the sentient cloud not liking having its picture taken and 'consuming' people is awfully nope-like
God, I love VALVe when they actually make games. Portal 2 was one of their best games they had ever made. Very good story, voice acting, they pushed the engine to its limits, beautiful lighting, the chamber building was great and the dialogue was definitely one of my favorite parts of this game.
9:50 POV: You came here for this
how did jk simons not kill himself from these quotes
25:43
31:26
That first timestamp; Him going from the playful tone and IMMEDIATELY into the aggressive approach destroys me every time. How Simmons got through it is a conundrum to me
The greatest character of all time
Jon wants all to be restored back as it was and to be left alone
9:51 someone put this into the omiman speach
I love this guy
25:32 He was so scared he didn’t even tell people to get back to work
Do NOT get covered in the repulsion gel.
Cease desist. Restore all now. Or else. Every righteous honest wise man would agree. If they fail to comply. War
22:07 is my favourite part.
It's my favorite too! I was laughing when I first heard it in one of the custom maps!
Mantis Cave Johnson sounds like a demon
“You’ll know when the tests start” 🦗🦗🦗🦗
"just try to get close to that baby. Your Funeral. Cave Johnson" 😂😭😂😂 14:13
JK Simmons was the absolute best choice for Cave Johnson!
25:31 One of my favorite Cave Johnson voice lines
9:50 Cave Johnson after finding out his Star Fox game is broken
25:43 IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS
Gross
@@kylethejudge lmao
IT FEELS LIKE A BOJACK LINE WHAT DOES THIS LINE MEAN I FEEL LIKE HE JUST PUT IT IN TO BE FUNNY OR SMTHING
i was scrolling through the comments wondering if someone was gonna say something about it
@@Dutchguy666TH Idk why no one is talking about it lmao
This brings me so much joy!
Chariots Chariots
35:20
One my favorite lines of his.
I literally convinced myself this wasn't JK Simmons because it would have been so random for him to be in a Portal game. Everything he says is funny, even if it isn't meant to be.
He is Jk simmons
How do you put a superconductor on "full blast?"
Science
Pee on it.
very carefully
One possibility is maximum magnetic field & max current through the superconductor. But Cave probably images some portal science gobbledygook
Intel
Cave was unbelievably hilariously CRAZY…😂❤
Took me 2 hours to get through this. There are so many lines I had to back up and hear again. ❤
33:38 we ended up in this timeline somehow lol
This is the funniest shit I have listened to in a long time.
33:08 When someone spoils an anime you are watching.
No wonder Portal has such great comedy 😂
35:58: He clearly has seen the Roland Emmerich Tristar Godzilla film.
26:04 dying
j. jonah jameson
CAVE JOHNSON IS SECRETLY IN SPIDERMAN???????????????
LET ME ENJOY SILENCE AND SOLITUDE. LEAVE JON ALONE. RESTORE ALL PERFECTLY AND LEAVE HIM ALONE
lol. 18:27 Codeword. If I say, Chariots, Zero. (after he says Chariots for the first time, rewind 5 seconds with left arrow key)
I don't get it
@@deendeen9584 same
Blixer pfp lol
Love it!
Jon was reflecting on life and jungian pysch. smh.
33:37
This has aged like fine wine 😂
Unfortunately
Based Cavina Johnson says trans rights 🏳️⚧️🗣️
@@3DFella чортова Мерзенна Свиня, я повинен був би кинути тебе під гусениці російських педиків, перш ніж реактивний снаряд "смерчу" рознесе тебе до всіх чортів
Just a little Fun Fact: Cave Johnson and Ford Pines (Gravity Falls) are both voice acted by J.K. Simmons
I feel like Cave Johnson and Stockton Rush might've gotten along.
Aperture is basically if soldier tf2 owned a science company
Completely wild throwing literally anything for *✨ SCIENCE ✨*
I'm glad this video exists
18:55 you'd be surprised
I fall asleep to this every night
37:40 subliminal message future reference.
Aperture science reminds me of Jonas Venture and the super science vs super villain schtick from The Venture Bros. Especially the army of mantis men haha
I almost fell asleep listening to his voice 💀
JK Simmons couldn’t have done a better job with this role
HELL YEAH
Jon is brilliant despite the autist tisim. very complex and nuanced man. Disregard the liars and the sappers.
When did all the multiverse ones play?? I didn't realize portal played so much into the multiverse
custom levels
@@KangarooJaywtf a reply? nice surprise, and alright interesting, thanks
@@KangarooJayhuh? like community-made?
@@TheTrueXaver yes, on the steam workshop you can submit levels to be played (co-op and singleplayer)
the game comes with a level editor
@@KangarooJay oh are the voice lines like custom dialogue that anyone can put in their maps?
Next he’s gonna start demanding pictures of Spider Man, telling Mark to think, and trying to kill Bill Cipher
REAL
To be fair, they are all voiced by JK Simmons (Cave Johnson).
15:47 and so forth, where are all these lines from?
they are for the custom player levels on the workshop
@@KangarooJay Man, I've completed Portal 2 a few times, even the co-op with a friend, but I have never heard of this Lore from custom Community levels.
@@DowaHawkiin levels that use Hammer (the Source level editor) directly or the BEE2 mod can change it
@@KangarooJayso I was always wondering… can players just place whichever voicelines they want?
@@erikpng no, if the level wasn't made with a Source level editor, it just follows a certain order so it makes sense since some are related to the previous one
Is there a full script of these lines I can find somewhere? I've found a few sites with some lines but not nearly all of them.
4:30 "trace amounts of time travel" might be my second favorite bit, just behind the infamous "lemons" rant
Edit: Also 8:48 "Beard dirt" as a single off-hand line is amazing
The voice actor for cave is perfect!
He said "bring me more pain pills"! Left 4 dead 2 reference there! PILLS HERE
9:47
He was like... where'd all this come from? I know these aren't on the campaign,