@@lisageeck I follow my spiritual mentor and he advices people who are in a bad relationship, they should think like they were sleeping and not conscious when they got in to this relationship, but now they are awakened and full of consciousness and have a different perspective and think like it was just a bad dream. That’s how you grow yourself. He also doesn’t recommend to get married from the first place. 🙏
I grew up in a system where "phoning it in" was my only survival mechanism, and it helped me stay sane. I am no longer in contact with my original system. Now, without that family system in my head (NOT SHOUTING at me) , I find it easier to discover my own music and can see, think, and feel more clearly..
Making you feel guilty, irresponsible, stuck, overwhelmed, paranoid, lost, forever attached to their future-faking, gaslighting, ghosting, smear campaigns, flying monkeys constant checks bullshit - is exactly what they expect from this never-ending game. It's entirely up to you whether you're going to play it or not.
So basically it’s your fault again which is what the narcissist would say and why she made this video. Not everyone has your life to just walk away. It’s trauma and abuse over time not a quick run to the gas station.
@@weareadventuresam Sorry, I think you misunderstood my point. I didn't mean it was easy to walk away, I just tried to encourage victims to empower themselves and lead their own lives.
I played it for almost two decades before I found a way to SAFELY extract myself and the children from the relationship, and slowly get financially 'just okay enough' to be able to leave. And I was the major breadwinner. IYKYK
@@AvaJulaniThat wasn't my take and every victim of a narc, does have to learn how to cope, in, before and after to get away. There is nothing counter productive about this or encouraging, except advice to get away. Why you think this is feed is encouraging to a counterproductive goal, which is your take, is beyond me.
"You bring your famous casserole to the toxic family potluck but you don't really give a shit if they like it." completely sent me 😂😂😂 Brilliantly worded.
Narcissism isn't as common as people make it out to be, I would just advise to keep looking, it just takes a longer time as you get older that's all. I have a hard time being alone although I am alone, the goal of mine was to find a life partner and I'm still looking myself.
@@Greenwings701 yeah, especially since they see us as optimal victims for them but we don't notice and drop them in the first first red flag like a healthy self esteemed individual would
Just before you said it, I was going to comment on how difficult and inauthentic it feels to enact the "phone-it-in" scenario. Over time, I've gotten depressed and trudge through the acts. And it is an act. Preferable to defending, engaging, explaining, and personalizing, for sure. But drudgery, it is.
Again, you described my life to a tee. I recommended you to two people in the last two days. One directly and one to a friend of the person I was speaking with. As the second woman walked away I said "Be sure to tell her she is not alone". That is why this channel is so important, I was isolated thinking it was me for almost 70 years.
Thank You! ❤ You are one of my very few friends. I have been phoning it in with multiples for years now, but up until now, I didn't have a name to call it by till I heard this video just now. I have spent THOUSANDS of hours, since 2017... Listening and watching your videos. I learned from you how to correct unwanted traits in myself, that I had picked up in my life from toxic others. You made my life work. You explained the why, and the how & what to do and not do in order to free myself and grow again. Then I began helping others by passing on all of your videos to others who came to me for help and good reason. I have come to appreciate and love you for the heart that you have and the choices you've made in your life... becoming the teacher you became. I am a better person because of you. I am happier because of you. I am capable now because of you. AND so are my friends, because of you. Thank You again.... MUCH love.... Leslee Bellus.
Wow--you are so spot-on. My "phone-it-in" numbness HAS bled over into other healthy relationships. I'm less interested in life in general these days. Thanks for this talk. I'll be able to navigate better now, methinks.
It is scary how bang on you are about this, Dr. Ramani. I am so done with people that are narcissists, and it seems, it's quite something these days, to find people who are NOT narcissistic. Strategic - exactly, and yes, it does take a toll. It's exhausting, either way and that's why I like to spend more time with my dog. Seriously.
Half my life gone and I lose my kids with it, so it's not just divorce, it's losing my family and all I ever wanted was a family and stability Starting over seems so refreshing yet scary, and now he's making everything better. The house making more money, but abusing me more😢
Me too. It’s been almost 30 years since my divorce. The xhusband is so undermining, and made it very difficult for the kids to have a relationship with me. Now that I understand some of the behaviors, I realize I am lucky to have a relationship with them at all. The saving grace here, was that X didn’t like putting a lot if energy, time and money into children, so he needed me in their life to take care of things. I have a relationship with my kids. It’s doable. I do not get to celebrate any holidays or special events with them. Communication often goes unanswered, but not always. It has been an eb and flow process. Currently it’s pretty good, but I’m careful to manage expectations. It does seem that as they get older our relationships are settling into a positive place. So, yeah, it’s hard to describe how mean these people can be. I mostly want you to know that you are heard. Even though I don’t know you, I believe your experiences, and hope the best for you as you find your way.
I thank my lucky stars for finding Dr. Ramani’s channel in mid 2020. I’d never have made it this far without her. I still have to deal with the narcissistic parent (now elderly) , but now I can do it in a way that’s healthier for me. I’m forever grateful to Dr. Ramani & this community. Thank you!
Thank you Dr. Ramani! I have been "phoning it in" for WAY TOO LONG, I finally built the courage to end my narcissistic friendship of 17 years. After doing this, I have felt the relief and ease I've been striving for for so long. Your videos have allowed me to see how this relationship has affected me and think about what I need to do moving forward. Thank you
I can’t say thank you enough to you Dr. Ramani for all your contents, knowledge and wisdom.🙏🙏 I am phoning it in for many practical reasons and I have kids, it makes it even beyond hard to just lead when you don’t have any family/ friends. Your book “ It’s not you” has helped me tremendously to understand narcissism. Thanks for everything. 🙏🙏
I've been phoning it in with a long time friend...my roll I the friendship is to listen to how much money she has and how she can afford everything she wants and how jealous everyone is of her.... I'm no longer phoning it in after the last couple years of this onesided friendship
Never under estimate a narcissist. You can only play that game for just so long. They “know” that you don’t give a damn. When they don’t get their “supply” they will either lash out violently or they will seek it elsewhere. If they find it elsewhere they will leave you in the dust no matter the circumstances.
Goodness Dr Ramani you always hit the nail on the head. It just feels numbing. It’s the red tool box in the kitchen, listening and not being heard, being talked over and negated, social silencing. Just going to the store has become unbearable. Just a few days ago we went grocery shopping, my husband talked to anyone who would listen about politics(very polarizing), how much he has to be careful not to upset me, how I’m always the boss and told the cashier that i have not laughed at one of his jokes for over a year. He has done this for years and I have even been approached by other men he antagonize that they “like their wife”. He has been working on the house which is great but needs a lot of praise and attention. Good news is my neighbor may be up for some traveling next year and is okay with me going alone. I hope it works out, will be a good change. Finding people to talk to has been a problem for me.
If you grow your self esteem, you won't tolerate it and will realize you're worth more and the pain of being with him is way more hen the pain of breaking up. If you let him go, then you may even be suddenly happy and content
@@anjellalo972 these relationships get so complicated. Not easy to get up and leave and he doesn’t want to leave. I planned to have the house paid for this year and life should be getting easier. I’m looking into affordable places to go.
@@kathyjustice1308 it's not about him, it's about your self value, I know because I experience it. I realized a few days ago, that I can't have toxicity around, because it's hurting me. The things I'm scared of dealing with for breaking up are not comparable to my suffering if I keep letting my boundries be crossed without enforcing them. Enforcing them, means once someone crosses a point then my actions have to reflect respecting how I feel and how I've been hurt, and sometimes the answer to a boundry being crossed is to distance yourself from or move on without this person in your life so that I can be happy and live in peace and be myself and focus on what's right and fair for me.
@@kathyjustice1308 any person with healthy self esteem, would steer clear of these people we keep giving the 10,000th second chance to. We have to respect ourselves and honor our need for happiness and peace.
@@anjellalo972 I hope I didn’t sound harsh, I’m a bit frustrated. Thank you for your response. You are so right, there is a line he keeps crossing, despite my requests and it doesn’t show respect. Like I asked him not to talk about politics in public when he is with me but he just keeps doing it, over and over again. He talks over people then complains others are not letting him talk. I have to be careful because he loves to argue. Like when my daughter was younger and I tried to explain to her the proper way to stop at a stop sign. I just gave up because he talked over me so much and consequently my daughter got a ticket for improper stop at stop sign which I had to pay for. He recently gaslighted me when my grandson was visiting, saying it was my fault she got a ticket. He did it to start an argument because I was enjoying my grandson. I did not take the bait but I wanted to punch him. I understand how the toxicity hurts. I’ve been phoning in for a while and it’s not a good place to be. Im glad you were able to find your way out, I wish you the best. I wrote down some things that keep me stuck, like financial issues, our house together, I have a dog, how to actually move without help, where to move to. Im currently taking care of my grandson 3 times a week or more which won’t end until August next year. Im working on it. Im planning trips when I can right now. I totally agree with how you feel., you are so right. You are a few steps ahead of me. I wish you the best in your journey. I’m glad you are away from the toxicity and hope you stay safe. Dr Ramani is invaluable help dealing with these issues. ❤️❤️❤️
You have to practically be an actor to switch from phoning it in to engaging like a full human, like yourself, in the rest of life. Tends to twist us up because we need such a release in between. If we don't it goes into the convos with the good people we know.
Thank you its not anymore about a stuck relationship it instead is about stuck in a BS toxic situation. They have 1 intent that is to walk the innocent to their grave.
I recognize this. It's a slippery slope. But, it can be navigated. If it gets to the point, where one is only observed as the object of abuse, for pleasure, one learns what physical interactions to avoid. Best of luck, for making it through the holidays, to all. I'm at the point of total independence. A small tribe, of caring people.
What’s keeping me in is, by this time, and after getting a vocabulary and frame of reference for the things I’m experiencing, is is money and poor health. I know I probably can’t improve my physical health much, partly because it’s Type 1 diabetes, which I’ve had for more than 50 years, with accompanying complications; a triple bypass operation which is wearing out - that was 20 years ago - and I’m just old. My mental health is not good after two narcisstic marriages in a different country than that where I was born and grew up, with very little real support from anyone around me. My resilience is worn thin. I have no job, which makes it difficult to become economically independent or even just find a place to live. My kids are both in their 30’s, so no custody problems 😏 and I’m still connected to one of them, but it’s been really important for me that they could live their own lives in the way they wanted to live them, so I’ve been there, but pretty hands off. Moving back “home” seems daunting, but if I could do exactly what I wanted to do, I’d buy a piece of land in northern New Mexico, put up an eco dome to live in and start doing permaculture. I can’t live in an air castle though. I’m pragmatic enough to know that. I am reasonably disengaged from my second narcissistic partner, but I still get sucked back in.
I felt this. I’ve been phoning it in for over 3 years. I want out. But I can’t afford to leave. Maybe once my daughter starts nursery and I don’t have fees to pay. I can’t do this anymore. I want a better life for her and I
When a narcissist bullies someone, the unspoken question "Will you save me from me and make me the center of your world, or will you be a meanie and sacrifice someone else to avoid me?" is usually answered by ignoring and even scapegoating the victim rather than "reward" the behavior and watch it escalate. If you're the victim, "phoning it in" means recognizing that you're abused because the narcissist (unconsciously) thinks authority = narcissist's responsible parent; you're a hostage they're using to demand a mommy, and the abuse is not about you at all.
This was a "holy cow" moment! Until I listened to this I didn't realize that I've been phoning it in for my entire adult life. It started with my family and then in my adult life every relationship except for my wife I've been close to a narcissist and just phoned it in.... No wonder I can't make any close friends because normal people don't like that kind of stuff. But, the good news is I'm learning and I'm starting to cut the narcs lose, just this week I had some difficult conversations and severances. As Smith & Thell sings: "I can feel it in the wind, the sun is gonna reappear, good days are gonna come along...."
It was painful until it was making me angry. Not reactive angry, but profoundly realising that other's inability to mature was never my fault. I realised I was defaulting to duty as a measure of protection for me until I knew better. I do now. I realised my empathy was misplaced. I didn't have any for myself. And no one should be entitled to excusing abuse
Helpful strategies are SEEMINGLY EVERYTHING. When they work, they work, to get sort of tautological. When we phone it in and we are thus, "missing" -- well -- we are missing life. ♥️
I feel like I have a PhD in pretending to be engaged. It’s extremely exhausting The theatrics of it all is enormously tiring I get it. That’s what I have to do, but I’m learning how to adjust and live with this reality.
This video is so exhausting, and so necessary. I find I do a lot of sweet things for my mom for her approval. But these days I mostly do them to get her off my back, and that has been a grieving process. I can see how transactional she is in her relationships. I don’t want to hear, “but I’d do it for you” ever again in my life :(
Our most intire relationship is being blamed, manipulated, gaslighted, mistreated… blameshifting by saying something you need in the relationship… I disn’t know my own reality bc all I hear is “no you don’t feel, you’re just sensitive, you’re the problem, you’re the one who needs therapy not me”… well thank you. Mow I know what’s been going on in our relationship because of you, because I did go to therapy
after our dad passed, narc sib started leaning on me as last remaining support from birth family. so i've been phoning it in this whole time but without your great label for and understanding of what exactly i'm doing out of sheer instinct for self preservation. it's so much easier this way!
It can be nuanced; when a relationship becomes one-sided, when do you end it? As a Sigma male, I tend to walk away. This is not always the right approach.
I've paused this video to ponder your question, Dr. Ramani. What keeps you stuck in this relationship. In my case, it's cultural expectations that it's prohibited to cut off relations with a sibling. Extended family may have no idea that this person could possibly have treated you so badly, because they're "so nice!" Their behavior towards you, though, was rude, abrasive, aggressive, and degrading. They made sure no one else witnessed it, though! That's the core issue. They'll tell all other family that you imagine things, are troubled, and have "a problem."
Damn, this perfectly describes what I've been doing for the last several months as I've finally been waking up to the reality of this situation. Valuable infor here cause I do struggle with being able to turn it off to form healthier relationships with others
I hear you Doc, I don't have it anymore to show up for my toxic, dysfunctional family, namely my elderly mother, and siblings. Thank god, I don't need them for anything. I'm borderline no contact but therapy is helping me process all of what is going on and how to manage it.
I could feel my heart sink as she described my current situation. Part of me knew, but hearing someone say it easier to accept. I thought it was just depression on my part, but now I'm not so sure it has anything to do with me.
Duty when it came to my family of origin. When it came to my marriage, I worked hard to create and maintain the “happy family” facade. So, there, too, I was dialing it in. Definitely, I was going along to keep the peace and deferring way too much power (say) to him. Since that dissolution, it’s been a struggle to become someone again. But I would rather be where I am today, than lost in the dynamic that fostered the non-person I had become.
'Phoning it in'. Being present in the moment. Bringing in the best part of you in a specific situation as long as you don't expect your needs will be met. Which comes down to radical acceptance this person won't change and it's not you 🙏. Maybe in this light, not giving a f* is not the way. It's like silencing yourself. Maybe it's more healthy to accept it still affects you, simply because you care (which is a good thing in my opinion), you're an empathic human being. It would mean you are not numbing yourself for the sake of someone else. But at the same time you need to realize that this is what it is for that specific relationship. In other words, you're taking the best out of this relationship, respecting both of you without denying yourself. Which is so much harder when you're depressed and/ or burnt out. Because that's the state a narcissist likes you to keep you in. Been there myself. But these are my thoughts on this. 🙏
"Phoning it in" (which I call 'beige rock') is emotional detachment. I recommend using the 'beige rock' as a safety and survival strategy as you plan your exit, particularly from the DV situation. Pretending to the narcissist that everything is normal generally ensures that the situation will not escalate dangerously, because they generally escalate when they think they are losing control. Therefore this strategy makes them think you are under their control, not no extra effort needed (they are generally quite lazy after all). But, so that you don't lose yourself in 'beige rock', remind yourself of two things - the first, this is a temporary strategy just in order to safely exit, and the second, you have one, because he does not have full control of your mind, you just put a wall up there that he cannot get to. Good luck Beige Rockers, wishing you all a safe and successful exit.
So ironic. Today I just chose NOT to phone it in again. And then at the end of the day your video popped up. Wow, now I can identify what this was. TY! And it's freeing to know, if so compelled, I don't have to do it when I'm not feeling it, and I'll start taking much needed breaks instead. If they miss me, so what. It'll be good for them to discover that within themselves, IF they even have that capacity to do so. 😉
Why do I always feel like she spying on me? Lol. Perfect timing on video. Thanks Dr. Ramani! ❤️🩹 Tom Petty new song “Radical Acceptance is a Long Road” 🎶🎸
Yes, years, decades even, of grey-rocking another can take its toll. The grey rocker may mistake his/her own potential for growth with his dulled down version of self around certain others.
I'm no longer in any of these relationships but I had a co-worker I was stuck with for 6 months that was terribly toxic and narcissistic. When it's at your job the only thing you can do is leave and so I did. I've been married to one and I've been in relationships with three more. Never again.
This was my entire marriage. I phoned it in for 7 years. I am also doing this at work, and with my “best friend” of 22 years who is a narcissist and addict and has relegated me to servant and insists upon being in constant contact with me. I’m taking 12-hour phone calls. All I do is phone it in, literally and figuratively.
Dear Dr Ramani I hope you are well I was wondering if you could make a video about what happens if the child of a narcissistic parent rebells in such that they begin to manipulate their narcissistic parent? How does it typically build up to this point? What happens to the child? What happens to the parent?
For me, I have hope of change. I know narcissist don't change but I have that hope because it's my husbands family. We have told them over a year ago that the only way we can move forward is with a discussion through mediation. They want to pretend like nothing happened. They have agreed and even said they would set it up. And nothing has happened. I am sending my last olive branch in a Christmas Card that reads "It's hard when Christmas comes and the family is still at odds. We were hoping things would be reconciled by now but hopefully in the new year!" The drama happened over 2 years ago. Drama they created but blame us for. I'm so over it and ready to move past it. My husbands family NEVER talk things out with those involved. Just others. I grew up in a family where we work out our differences. So that is probably why I hold onto hope.
By the sounds of it, you have put them in control and therefore, they are in the driver’s seat. If an apology/attempt at reconciliation didn’t occur two years ago, and they are obviously content with themselves and each other making you guys “the outsiders", I wouldn’t hold my breath. You’d like to think at least one supportive sibling would step forward and healing could begin [there]. But if the dynamics have always been your husband against the pack, that’s a tough dose of reality. It’s sad, but maybe it’s a blessing in disguise.
I’m 66 and have been thinking about returning to work just so that I have more healthy interactions. I’m depressed being so detached in my current situation.
Dr.R..for me, 'I actually do give a damn'..but I ve learned th trama..going thru th motions, and th neg.feeling is th stopping point.w/ my sister.thanks so much for your words..Texas
@Ratgirl2 yeah they be like that she'll text me are you awake then never text me back then randomly texts me hours or days later saying I love you and we have a little chat about something then she disappears again
The narcs are instrumental in their relationships with us and we should be instrumental with them too, to protect our empathetic selves. (Myth on other platforms)
Same, it’s the toughest pill to swallow. I can deal with how it affects me but when your kids are involved it’s one of the highest forms of mental jujitsu. Makes the comments about having a narc ex they can’t get over seem trivial
My situation also unfortunately. He owes me money and rents half my house so it's going to take time to be able to go solo. I am just working on focusing on meeting my own needs more and minimizing interaction with the narc., while spending more time with animals and in nature. Also trying to pick up previous hobbies again. I hope we can both meet new positive people soon. Bless you ❤🎶🔆🙏🏼😇🕊💫
Thanks for sharing such valuable information! A bit off-topic, but I wanted to ask: I have a SafePal wallet with USDT, and I have the seed phrase. (alarm fetch churn bridge exercise tape speak race clerk couch crater letter). What's the best way to send them to Binance?
Damned if you do, damned if you don't, so now i just don't. Tired of wasting time and energy on a dead thing.
@@lisageeck I follow my spiritual mentor and he advices people who are in a bad relationship, they should think like they were sleeping and not conscious when they got in to this relationship, but now they are awakened and full of consciousness and have a different perspective and think like it was just a bad dream. That’s how you grow yourself. He also doesn’t recommend to get married from the first place. 🙏
The old double bind. Yup.
I grew up in a system where "phoning it in" was my only survival mechanism, and it helped me stay sane. I am no longer in contact with my original system. Now, without that family system in my head (NOT SHOUTING at me) , I find it easier to discover my own music and can see, think, and feel more clearly..
@@kryssysmith1486 ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️You got it !!
Making you feel guilty, irresponsible, stuck, overwhelmed, paranoid, lost, forever attached to their future-faking, gaslighting, ghosting, smear campaigns, flying monkeys constant checks bullshit - is exactly what they expect from this never-ending game. It's entirely up to you whether you're going to play it or not.
So basically it’s your fault again which is what the narcissist would say and why she made this video. Not everyone has your life to just walk away. It’s trauma and abuse over time not a quick run to the gas station.
@@weareadventuresam Sorry, I think you misunderstood my point. I didn't mean it was easy to walk away, I just tried to encourage victims to empower themselves and lead their own lives.
I played it for almost two decades before I found a way to SAFELY extract myself and the children from the relationship, and slowly get financially 'just okay enough' to be able to leave. And I was the major breadwinner. IYKYK
@@weareadventuresam The OP's comment was on point. No one is blaming you or your experiences so please stop with the unnecessary rudeness.
@@AvaJulaniThat wasn't my take and every victim of a narc, does have to learn how to cope, in, before and after to get away. There is nothing counter productive about this or encouraging, except advice to get away. Why you think this is feed is encouraging to a counterproductive goal, which is your take, is beyond me.
"You bring your famous casserole to the toxic family potluck but you don't really give a shit if they like it." completely sent me 😂😂😂 Brilliantly worded.
It's so hard finding any healthy, genuine relationships these days. So I've chosen to stay by myself with my cat and our house.
Narcissism isn't as common as people make it out to be, I would just advise to keep looking, it just takes a longer time as you get older that's all. I have a hard time being alone although I am alone, the goal of mine was to find a life partner and I'm still looking myself.
Me too. I guard my peace.
@@NarcissistHex-nf9eq Way more common in my opinion.
@@Greenwings701 yeah, especially since they see us as optimal victims for them but we don't notice and drop them in the first first red flag like a healthy self esteemed individual would
@@Greenwings701it certainly seems that way.
Just before you said it, I was going to comment on how difficult and inauthentic it feels to enact the "phone-it-in" scenario. Over time, I've gotten depressed and trudge through the acts. And it is an act. Preferable to defending, engaging, explaining, and personalizing, for sure. But drudgery, it is.
Again, you described my life to a tee. I recommended you to two people in the last two days. One directly and one to a friend of the person I was speaking with. As the second woman walked away I said "Be sure to tell her she is not alone". That is why this channel is so important, I was isolated thinking it was me for almost 70 years.
Ditto.
Many dittos here
Thank You! ❤
You are one of my very few friends.
I have been phoning it in with multiples for years now, but up until now, I didn't have a name to call it by till I heard this video just now.
I have spent THOUSANDS of hours, since 2017... Listening and watching your videos. I learned from you how to correct unwanted traits in myself, that I had picked up in my life from toxic others. You made my life work. You explained the why, and the how & what to do and not do in order to free myself and grow again.
Then I began helping others by passing on all of your videos to others who came to me for help and good reason.
I have come to appreciate and love you for the heart that you have and the choices you've made in your life... becoming the teacher you became.
I am a better person because of you. I am happier because of you. I am capable now because of you. AND so are my friends, because of you.
Thank You again....
MUCH love....
Leslee Bellus.
Me too
Yes well put. My sentiments exactly. Much love to you dr ramani.
Me too!!
Yes...me three x
Mee tooo!!!
Wow--you are so spot-on. My "phone-it-in" numbness HAS bled over into other healthy relationships. I'm less interested in life in general these days. Thanks for this talk. I'll be able to navigate better now, methinks.
I like how you said methinks, it's cute
Sometimes we go into fawning mode because we think that's the only mode. THAT'S habit.
But habits can be broken.
I do it so he leaves me alone
It is scary how bang on you are about this, Dr. Ramani. I am so done with people that are narcissists, and it seems, it's quite something these days, to find people who are NOT narcissistic. Strategic - exactly, and yes, it does take a toll. It's exhausting, either way and that's why I like to spend more time with my dog. Seriously.
Same
A ghost relationship, dead, just not buried. There should be no excuse for abuse. EVER.
Congratulations, that's the most brilliant comment I've read on here yet.
Half my life gone and I lose my kids with it, so it's not just divorce, it's losing my family and all I ever wanted was a family and stability
Starting over seems so refreshing yet scary, and now he's making everything better. The house making more money, but abusing me more😢
I hear you. ❤
I understand where you are coming from.
Same here
❤just one day at a time
Me too. It’s been almost 30 years since my divorce. The xhusband is so undermining, and made it very difficult for the kids to have a relationship with me. Now that I understand some of the behaviors, I realize I am lucky to have a relationship with them at all. The saving grace here, was that X didn’t like putting a lot if energy, time and money into children, so he needed me in their life to take care of things.
I have a relationship with my kids. It’s doable. I do not get to celebrate any holidays or special events with them. Communication often goes unanswered, but not always. It has been an eb and flow process. Currently it’s pretty good, but I’m careful to manage expectations. It does seem that as they get older our relationships are settling into a positive place.
So, yeah, it’s hard to describe how mean these people can be. I mostly want you to know that you are heard. Even though I don’t know you, I believe your experiences, and hope the best for you as you find your way.
I spent most of the last 20 years of living with him in dissociation. Moving out helped me stop dissociating.
I thank my lucky stars for finding Dr. Ramani’s channel in mid 2020. I’d never have made it this far without her. I still have to deal with the narcissistic parent (now elderly) , but now I can do it in a way that’s healthier for me. I’m forever grateful to Dr. Ramani & this community. Thank you!
Me too
Thank you Dr. Ramani! I have been "phoning it in" for WAY TOO LONG, I finally built the courage to end my narcissistic friendship of 17 years. After doing this, I have felt the relief and ease I've been striving for for so long. Your videos have allowed me to see how this relationship has affected me and think about what I need to do moving forward. Thank you
I can’t say thank you enough to you Dr. Ramani for all your contents, knowledge and wisdom.🙏🙏 I am phoning it in for many practical reasons and I have kids, it makes it even beyond hard to just lead when you don’t have any family/ friends. Your book “ It’s not you” has helped me tremendously to understand narcissism. Thanks for everything. 🙏🙏
❤❤
Keep it "simple" dont gaf what they assume or plot. Understand they aint changing and enjoy my life.
I've been phoning it in with a long time friend...my roll I the friendship is to listen to how much money she has and how she can afford everything she wants and how jealous everyone is of her.... I'm no longer phoning it in after the last couple years of this onesided friendship
Never under estimate a narcissist. You can only play that game for just so long. They “know” that you don’t give a damn. When they don’t get their “supply” they will either lash out violently or they will seek it elsewhere. If they find it elsewhere they will leave you in the dust no matter the circumstances.
Goodness Dr Ramani you always hit the nail on the head. It just feels numbing. It’s the red tool box in the kitchen, listening and not being heard, being talked over and negated, social silencing. Just going to the store has become unbearable. Just a few days ago we went grocery shopping, my husband talked to anyone who would listen about politics(very polarizing), how much he has to be careful not to upset me, how I’m always the boss and told the cashier that i have not laughed at one of his jokes for over a year. He has done this for years and I have even been approached by other men he antagonize that they “like their wife”. He has been working on the house which is great but needs a lot of praise and attention. Good news is my neighbor may be up for some traveling next year and is okay with me going alone. I hope it works out, will be a good change. Finding people to talk to has been a problem for me.
If you grow your self esteem, you won't tolerate it and will realize you're worth more and the pain of being with him is way more hen the pain of breaking up. If you let him go, then you may even be suddenly happy and content
@@anjellalo972 these relationships get so complicated. Not easy to get up and leave and he doesn’t want to leave. I planned to have the house paid for this year and life should be getting easier. I’m looking into affordable places to go.
@@kathyjustice1308 it's not about him, it's about your self value, I know because I experience it. I realized a few days ago, that I can't have toxicity around, because it's hurting me. The things I'm scared of dealing with for breaking up are not comparable to my suffering if I keep letting my boundries be crossed without enforcing them. Enforcing them, means once someone crosses a point then my actions have to reflect respecting how I feel and how I've been hurt, and sometimes the answer to a boundry being crossed is to distance yourself from or move on without this person in your life so that I can be happy and live in peace and be myself and focus on what's right and fair for me.
@@kathyjustice1308 any person with healthy self esteem, would steer clear of these people we keep giving the 10,000th second chance to. We have to respect ourselves and honor our need for happiness and peace.
@@anjellalo972 I hope I didn’t sound harsh, I’m a bit frustrated. Thank you for your response. You are so right, there is a line he keeps crossing, despite my requests and it doesn’t show respect. Like I asked him not to talk about politics in public when he is with me but he just keeps doing it, over and over again. He talks over people then complains others are not letting him talk. I have to be careful because he loves to argue. Like when my daughter was younger and I tried to explain to her the proper way to stop at a stop sign. I just gave up because he talked over me so much and consequently my daughter got a ticket for improper stop at stop sign which I had to pay for. He recently gaslighted me when my grandson was visiting, saying it was my fault she got a ticket. He did it to start an argument because I was enjoying my grandson. I did not take the bait but I wanted to punch him. I understand how the toxicity hurts. I’ve been phoning in for a while and it’s not a good place to be. Im glad you were able to find your way out, I wish you the best. I wrote down some things that keep me stuck, like financial issues, our house together, I have a dog, how to actually move without help, where to move to. Im currently taking care of my grandson 3 times a week or more which won’t end until August next year. Im working on it. Im planning trips when I can right now. I totally agree with how you feel., you are so right. You are a few steps ahead of me. I wish you the best in your journey. I’m glad you are away from the toxicity and hope you stay safe. Dr Ramani is invaluable help dealing with these issues. ❤️❤️❤️
You have to practically be an actor to switch from phoning it in to engaging like a full human, like yourself, in the rest of life. Tends to twist us up because we need such a release in between. If we don't it goes into the convos with the good people we know.
Thank you its not anymore about a stuck relationship it instead is about stuck in a BS toxic situation. They have 1 intent that is to walk the innocent to their grave.
I recognize this. It's a slippery slope. But, it can be navigated. If it gets to the point, where one is only observed as the object of abuse, for pleasure, one learns what physical interactions to avoid. Best of luck, for making it through the holidays, to all. I'm at the point of total independence. A small tribe, of caring people.
What’s keeping me in is, by this time, and after getting a vocabulary and frame of reference for the things I’m experiencing, is is money and poor health. I know I probably can’t improve my physical health much, partly because it’s Type 1 diabetes, which I’ve had for more than 50 years, with accompanying complications; a triple bypass operation which is wearing out - that was 20 years ago - and I’m just old. My mental health is not good after two narcisstic marriages in a different country than that where I was born and grew up, with very little real support from anyone around me. My resilience is worn thin. I have no job, which makes it difficult to become economically independent or even just find a place to live. My kids are both in their 30’s, so no custody problems 😏 and I’m still connected to one of them, but it’s been really important for me that they could live their own lives in the way they wanted to live them, so I’ve been there, but pretty hands off. Moving back “home” seems daunting, but if I could do exactly what I wanted to do, I’d buy a piece of land in northern New Mexico, put up an eco dome to live in and start doing permaculture. I can’t live in an air castle though. I’m pragmatic enough to know that. I am reasonably disengaged from my second narcissistic partner, but I still get sucked back in.
I felt this. I’ve been phoning it in for over 3 years. I want out. But I can’t afford to leave. Maybe once my daughter starts nursery and I don’t have fees to pay. I can’t do this anymore. I want a better life for her and I
When a narcissist bullies someone, the unspoken question "Will you save me from me and make me the center of your world, or will you be a meanie and sacrifice someone else to avoid me?" is usually answered by ignoring and even scapegoating the victim rather than "reward" the behavior and watch it escalate. If you're the victim, "phoning it in" means recognizing that you're abused because the narcissist (unconsciously) thinks authority = narcissist's responsible parent; you're a hostage they're using to demand a mommy, and the abuse is not about you at all.
This was a "holy cow" moment! Until I listened to this I didn't realize that I've been phoning it in for my entire adult life. It started with my family and then in my adult life every relationship except for my wife I've been close to a narcissist and just phoned it in.... No wonder I can't make any close friends because normal people don't like that kind of stuff. But, the good news is I'm learning and I'm starting to cut the narcs lose, just this week I had some difficult conversations and severances. As Smith & Thell sings: "I can feel it in the wind, the sun is gonna reappear, good days are gonna come along...."
Honoring, that’s it!
And it’s still painful….
It was painful until it was making me angry. Not reactive angry, but profoundly realising that other's inability to mature was never my fault. I realised I was defaulting to duty as a measure of protection for me until I knew better. I do now. I realised my empathy was misplaced. I didn't have any for myself. And no one should be entitled to excusing abuse
Helpful strategies are SEEMINGLY EVERYTHING. When they work, they work, to get sort of tautological.
When we phone it in and we are thus, "missing" -- well -- we are missing life. ♥️
I feel like I have a PhD in pretending to be engaged. It’s extremely exhausting
The theatrics of it all is enormously tiring I get it. That’s what I have to do, but I’m learning how to adjust and live with this reality.
This video is so exhausting, and so necessary. I find I do a lot of sweet things for my mom for her approval. But these days I mostly do them to get her off my back, and that has been a grieving process. I can see how transactional she is in her relationships. I don’t want to hear, “but I’d do it for you” ever again in my life :(
Our most intire relationship is being blamed, manipulated, gaslighted, mistreated… blameshifting by saying something you need in the relationship…
I disn’t know my own reality bc all I hear is “no you don’t feel, you’re just sensitive, you’re the problem, you’re the one who needs therapy not me”… well thank you. Mow I know what’s been going on in our relationship because of you, because I did go to therapy
after our dad passed, narc sib started leaning on me as last remaining support from birth family. so i've been phoning it in this whole time but without your great label for and understanding of what exactly i'm doing out of sheer instinct for self preservation. it's so much easier this way!
It can be nuanced; when a relationship becomes one-sided, when do you end it? As a Sigma male, I tend to walk away. This is not always the right approach.
Forgive me but I must ask ....why do you call yourself a sigma? Is that not degrading?
Not degrading; honest. The truth is lighter than denial.
Thank you again. For these well timed videos. Just when I need them. I'm just so tired. Your voice is a blessing!❤
My daily dose of Ramani.
So true, we do it to survive but in the process we are detached and loose ourselves, it's a fake life.
How do you read my mind. Thank you for being in my life when needed..
I've paused this video to ponder your question, Dr. Ramani. What keeps you stuck in this relationship. In my case, it's cultural expectations that it's prohibited to cut off relations with a sibling. Extended family may have no idea that this person could possibly have treated you so badly, because they're "so nice!" Their behavior towards you, though, was rude, abrasive, aggressive, and degrading. They made sure no one else witnessed it, though! That's the core issue. They'll tell all other family that you imagine things, are troubled, and have "a problem."
Phoning it in has definitely now started taking a toll on me! Thank you for the advice about staying present and intentional and strategic with that .
Damn, this perfectly describes what I've been doing for the last several months as I've finally been waking up to the reality of this situation. Valuable infor here cause I do struggle with being able to turn it off to form healthier relationships with others
You nailed it !!!!
Amazing advice, didn't was already kind of doing it with the narcissists in my life! Thanks Dr. Ramani
I'm only staying because I don't have a job. When I do, I'm gone.
Reciprocal relationships? What a wonderful dream with a narcissist, because then they wouldn't be one.
Thanks for your help&support! ❤😇🙏
Not to loose my gran daughters..😩
😢
Idem, my grand children. Welcome To the hopeless club
I hear you Doc, I don't have it anymore to show up for my toxic, dysfunctional family, namely my elderly mother, and siblings. Thank god, I don't need them for anything. I'm borderline no contact but therapy is helping me process all of what is going on and how to manage it.
I could feel my heart sink as she described my current situation. Part of me knew, but hearing someone say it easier to accept. I thought it was just depression on my part, but now I'm not so sure it has anything to do with me.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani ❤
Thank you for your videos. Finding awareness and healing through your words!!
*MONEY!*
It pretty much unfortunately comes down to that.
Timely, as usual. Dealing with my mom at an MD appt in the morning.
Duty when it came to my family of origin. When it came to my marriage, I worked hard to create and maintain the “happy family” facade. So, there, too, I was dialing it in. Definitely, I was going along to keep the peace and deferring way too much power (say) to him. Since that dissolution, it’s been a struggle to become someone again. But I would rather be where I am today, than lost in the dynamic that fostered the non-person I had become.
'Phoning it in'. Being present in the moment. Bringing in the best part of you in a specific situation as long as you don't expect your needs will be met. Which comes down to radical acceptance this person won't change and it's not you 🙏. Maybe in this light, not giving a f* is not the way. It's like silencing yourself. Maybe it's more healthy to accept it still affects you, simply because you care (which is a good thing in my opinion), you're an empathic human being. It would mean you are not numbing yourself for the sake of someone else. But at the same time you need to realize that this is what it is for that specific relationship. In other words, you're taking the best out of this relationship, respecting both of you without denying yourself. Which is so much harder when you're depressed and/ or burnt out. Because that's the state a narcissist likes you to keep you in. Been there myself. But these are my thoughts on this. 🙏
WOW WOW WOW You Hit it right on the head THANK YOU for your videos. God bless you
Ok. Listening to song, Last Christmas, boy does That sound like a narcissistic relationship! Don't fall for the holiday hoover!
Thank you Dr Ramani
"Phoning it in" (which I call 'beige rock') is emotional detachment. I recommend using the 'beige rock' as a safety and survival strategy as you plan your exit, particularly from the DV situation. Pretending to the narcissist that everything is normal generally ensures that the situation will not escalate dangerously, because they generally escalate when they think they are losing control. Therefore this strategy makes them think you are under their control, not no extra effort needed (they are generally quite lazy after all).
But, so that you don't lose yourself in 'beige rock', remind yourself of two things - the first, this is a temporary strategy just in order to safely exit, and the second, you have one, because he does not have full control of your mind, you just put a wall up there that he cannot get to.
Good luck Beige Rockers, wishing you all a safe and successful exit.
Girl, preach!!!
And thank you 🙏🏾
TY DOC!!!
YOU ARE A
LIFE SAVER.
Proximity. That's it. I couldn't care less about these people anymore. If I never see them again, that would be too soon.
It’s easier to assume it’s me than to abandon someone and hurt them.
So ironic. Today I just chose NOT to phone it in again. And then at the end of the day your video popped up. Wow, now I can identify what this was. TY! And it's freeing to know, if so compelled, I don't have to do it when I'm not feeling it, and I'll start taking much needed breaks instead. If they miss me, so what. It'll be good for them to discover that within themselves, IF they even have that capacity to do so. 😉
Thank you, Dr Ramani! you give best advises
Why do I always feel like she spying on me? Lol. Perfect timing on video. Thanks Dr. Ramani! ❤️🩹
Tom Petty new song “Radical Acceptance is a Long Road” 🎶🎸
Totally makes sense, thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Yes,Yes, Yes !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for putting my life into words
Really. Thank you so much for this. ❤
Brilliant!!! Thank you so much!!!👍❤❤❤
Yes, years, decades even, of grey-rocking another can take its toll. The grey rocker may mistake his/her own potential for growth with his dulled down version of self around certain others.
Thankyou Dr. Ramani.
I'm no longer in any of these relationships but I had a co-worker I was stuck with for 6 months that was terribly toxic and narcissistic.
When it's at your job the only thing you can do is leave and so I did.
I've been married to one and I've been in relationships with three more.
Never again.
Financial, duty
Oh, those mistakes that come from unplugging a bit. They reveal how careless people must feel about people.
This was my entire marriage. I phoned it in for 7 years. I am also doing this at work, and with my “best friend” of 22 years who is a narcissist and addict and has relegated me to servant and insists upon being in constant contact with me. I’m taking 12-hour phone calls. All I do is phone it in, literally and figuratively.
1000% agree with this
Dear Dr Ramani
I hope you are well
I was wondering if you could make a video about what happens if the child of a narcissistic parent rebells in such that they begin to manipulate their narcissistic parent?
How does it typically build up to this point?
What happens to the child?
What happens to the parent?
Very helpful thank you for making this video
For me, I have hope of change. I know narcissist don't change but I have that hope because it's my husbands family. We have told them over a year ago that the only way we can move forward is with a discussion through mediation. They want to pretend like nothing happened. They have agreed and even said they would set it up. And nothing has happened. I am sending my last olive branch in a Christmas Card that reads "It's hard when Christmas comes and the family is still at odds. We were hoping things would be reconciled by now but hopefully in the new year!" The drama happened over 2 years ago. Drama they created but blame us for. I'm so over it and ready to move past it. My husbands family NEVER talk things out with those involved. Just others. I grew up in a family where we work out our differences. So that is probably why I hold onto hope.
By the sounds of it, you have put them in control and therefore, they are in the driver’s seat. If an apology/attempt at reconciliation didn’t occur two years ago, and they are obviously content with themselves and each other making you guys “the outsiders", I wouldn’t hold my breath. You’d like to think at least one supportive sibling would step forward and healing could begin [there]. But if the dynamics have always been your husband against the pack, that’s a tough dose of reality. It’s sad, but maybe it’s a blessing in disguise.
Don’t need a minute to think…. HE WONT LEAVE. 🤷🏻♀️
Thank you Doctor!!
I’m 66 and have been thinking about returning to work just so that I have more healthy interactions. I’m depressed being so detached in my current situation.
Dr.R..for me, 'I actually do give a damn'..but I ve learned th trama..going thru th motions, and th neg.feeling is th stopping point.w/ my sister.thanks so much for your words..Texas
I will have to "Phone it in"😢
Tysm for this ❤
Perfect timing because I just started doing that
Mine cut me off of everything And says come back I want to take care of you. 🫤🫤😳😳🙄🙄
@Ratgirl2 yeah they be like that she'll text me are you awake then never text me back then randomly texts me hours or days later saying I love you and we have a little chat about something then she disappears again
And thus my social purge continues...
Thanks for that!
Dr. Ramani,
Is there a way to schedule a consultation with you via zoom?
Yikes I bet there might be some way somehow to do that, and I also bet that it's extremely expensive.
Thanks for sharing
The narcs are instrumental in their relationships with us and we should be instrumental with them too, to protect our empathetic selves.
(Myth on other platforms)
Having a child by him
Same, it’s the toughest pill to swallow. I can deal with how it affects me but when your kids are involved it’s one of the highest forms of mental jujitsu. Makes the comments about having a narc ex they can’t get over seem trivial
So true.
Thanks!
What do you do if the abusive narcissist is literally the only person you ever see or speak with?
My situation also unfortunately. He owes me money and rents half my house so it's going to take time to be able to go solo. I am just working on focusing on meeting my own needs more and minimizing interaction with the narc., while spending more time with animals and in nature. Also trying to pick up previous hobbies again. I hope we can both meet new positive people soon. Bless you ❤🎶🔆🙏🏼😇🕊💫
I left, and sadly I still feel like I gotta think of why I’m not gone for good (like 100%) 😣
Thanks for sharing such valuable information! A bit off-topic, but I wanted to ask: I have a SafePal wallet with USDT, and I have the seed phrase. (alarm fetch churn bridge exercise tape speak race clerk couch crater letter). What's the best way to send them to Binance?
More like throw in the towel