Don't text your depressed friends...
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- Опубликовано: 5 авг 2024
- Here's what you can do to support them:
The key is to support or ask for help in a way that doesn't feel overwhelming or exhausting for them. Here are some examples:
- I was thinking of watching a new movie tonight, and I'd love your company. Do you mind if I come over with snacks? We can just relax and enjoy the it together.
- I'm trying out different tea blends and could really use your help to choose the best one. Want to join me for a tea tasting session?
- There’s a new cafe that opened up nearby, and I heard they have great coffee. Want to check it out with me? My treat!
- It's a great evening for a drive. How about we just cruise around for a bit while listening to some good music? I can pick you up in an hour!
Keep in mind that, sometimes, they might not be up to hosting at their place if they think it’s untidy, and going out might seem overwhelming if it requires a lot of preparation or too much energy. So opt for activities that are simple and enjoyable - things that won't drain their energy but will genuinely make them feel included and valued. This way, you offer support without adding pressure.
Song by Novo Amor
#depression #feelingdepressed #depressed #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #supportingothers #supportingeachother #mentalhealthsupport
you always hear "check up on ur depressed friend!" but you never hear how youre meant to do it. this advice is spot on
You need to actually think about it yourself instead of getting told what to do by a youtube short. You know for a fact that no one likes getting asked how are you today and you know no one likes to be made to explain themselves so why can't you put two and two together to understand that the solution to this problem is literally what you would already be doing with good friends?
My best friend finally stopped asking-she knew I would say no-and started just showing up with coffee and food. She knew I wouldn’t eat anything otherwise. It really helped.
@@sebaschan-uwuactually I'd rather someone text me everyday asking that same question than them show up to my house so...
@sebaschan-uwu I like being asked how I'm doing when I'm doing really well. It gives me an excuse to talk about what's making me happy. Sometimes you have to ask how someone is doing and then read between the lines too. If my friend says she's fine several hours after I originally texted, and I know for fact that she's just sitting at home, then you best bet I'm gonna be sending her cat pics and memes. If I ask to come over, and she says that's ok but she doesn't want to bother me, I immediately head over with a bag of mcdonald's and just hang out for an hour. Some people haven't experienced depression so they don't know how to help and it's not like they can ask. Most people think how can I fix this/I don't know how to fix this, instead of what can I do to comfort them while they get through this. Depression has never been known for being intuitive or easy to deal with.
@sebaschan-uwu imagine getting upset at someone for not having all the answers, what an ass.
Best advice. Ever. I can't believe I've never heard anyone articulate this so perfectly.
me too. this video is very good
Well, it starts with a "can i come over" and I'm like *NOPE* because my apartment is a mess when I feel depressed.
Then, that one time, you have the courage and the *trust* to let them in, only to hear "Whoah, HOW BAD does it look like in here?? Do you ever clean up? WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MUCH STUFF?"
Someone who shames me and makes me feel even more uncomfortable in my own home than I already do can leave again and close the door behind them.
@@calatheaflamestar4924sorry❤
I feel like since I’m still really young, I just wish I had friends or family who would do this before I go back into isolation again. This explains me perfectly!
@calatheaflamestar4924 Or someone who doesn't SAY anything about the mess, but who is very obviously feeling pity 🤮, or judging you for it. 😤🙄
People are not taught strategies for how to support friends through their depression. This is gold!
Philippians 4:4-7 ESV
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. [5] Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; [6] do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. [7] And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
❤✝️
Becouse we’re not therapists
“If someone can feel just the presence of you and your love without the pressure to have to explain”
That’s so good. Thank you
The depressed person will lie so they don't feel guilty of disappointing the other people. 'I'm fine."
I’ve made it a point to not lie anymore. Which doesn’t help when people ask me how I am and I’m suffering from clinical depression. Most people don’t ask me anymore, and as lonely as it is, at least I don’t have to lie.
@@theradiantdehd3997always have integrity never lie, when someone knows the truth you will know wither they will choose to stick with you❤️don't give up , think about what you love to do what you like, think about your heart's desire, stay away from lust porn any sin that will make someone feel bad and empty, keep going keep pushing don't lie and don't feel like you have to lie to keep others happy or not worried tell the truth always, if you have no one with Ahayah Almighty you have everything you need, cars money wife house riches? he blesses people with but that shouldn't be first place in your heart have him in your heart first he wants your heart don't let anything or anyone stop you from accepting him you don't got to get clean to go to him he will clean you and make you new ❤️all these cars and stuff people need but ask for wisdom and to get better understanding and to get knowledge and to do that is to go in the Bible and get better understanding that way when you do get cars and riches you will know exactly what to do with it with your wisdom and knowledge, love everyone show kindness let Ahayah change you for the better he knows he got scattered sheep's he wants you close to him meditate in prayer prayer is communication, how you start your morning will affect your day, start every morning by thanking Ahayah for life and the plans he already planned for you and to guide you to the path of righteousness. I love you but Ahayah loves you more blessings and healings and lovings to you and your family in Ahayah name ❤
BINGO!! That's me 100%! No, I'm not fine. I'm NEVER fine, and you know this, so why even bother asking me how I'm feeling/doing? OF COURSE I'M GOING TO LIE!!! I already feel like a worthless burden, a drain on everyone around me, so I'm going to lie, put on that fake smile that I've perfected over all these years, and say that I'm doing well and everything is ok so as not to burden anyone further, make anyone worry about me more than they already do, or just bring anyone/the mood down in general.
Good point. It's better to just say "hey let's go out"
Exactly. It takes more energy to explain, and you have to figure out what to say without having it cause issues. We don't want more issues, we want peace!
What I love is as you were explaining the first part, I was thinking in my mind, "Just call them and tell them that you really want some company today. Tell them you want yo order some pizza and watch a movie." Depressed people will feel so comforted knowing youre CHOOSING them to spend time with.
This ⬆️
All of this ❤
💯
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Thank you for the best advice on how I can comfort my depressed friends and relatives.
❤yesss
Wow! This is the real advice I’ve been looking for! When I lost my infant daughter, so many people wanted to fix me. So few wanted to actually be with me. I didn’t need to be fixed, I just needed to know I was still worth being on this earth.
What a horrible loss, I can’t imagine the pain you must be going through. You are valid and worth being on this earth and I am glad that you’re here.
@@ccbici Thank you. That’s incredibly kind of you to say.
I am so sorry for your loss. 😢 Being a mother I know this is the worst challenge one could face and I empathize with you so deeply. Know that if this happened, there is a spiritual reason for it, your pain will not be in vain. In time you will find a reason to go on living. Maybe you will have a mission to help others who go through the same thing?
You will find strength in you, and eventually, acceptance, but take as long as you need to get there. Don't pressure yourself, feel your pain, be compassionate and patient with yourself.
You will be in my prayers and if you need someone to talk, I am here.
❤
💕
This is a much better idea than anything I've ever been told.
Also, if tou go over to your friend's house, please make sure to leave it as you found it, or even better than you found it. Wash your cup. Throw the trash you made in the trash can. Fold your blanket you used. Put things back where you found it.
One reason your anxious and depressed friends don't want company is because people keep messing up their house and they end up playing host when they were already exhausted. They don't recover from the messes you leave behind for days if they're lucky, weeks if they aren't coping at all.
Yes when u have chronic health issues .. n depression.. why would they think that you going to wash all they used from the kitchen.. or pick up all the toys the kids played with. 😮 then look at u as if you mad to mention tidy after selves.. not a clue rolling in their 40 year old heads.
This!!!
I came here to say this, please clear up before you leave because I just can’t do it!
Indeed! When I was an exhausted family carer, my extended family came over and expected me to serve them. It would have been so nice if they'd offered to help rather than be 'visitors"
“You can love completely without complete understanding”
Very well said❤❤❤
Gotta love em where they're at.
Best advice ever given to me.
I particularly like how he mentioned "You have that fireplace. I don't have a fireplace," as if the depressed friend would be doing him a bit of a favor by allowing him to use it. We don't want our friends to pity us, and we always feel like we're a burden. Subtly conveying the idea that the depressed friend would actually be helping him out is genius.
100%
Interesting
Yes ❤
I don't know how to respond to this, it is a lot lot of work for the healthy friend. Also, the depressed friend might fix themselves. I don' t know how to accept help, what do you need back, can I give back even?
A lot of times depression comes from a childhood wounding of not feeling loved or connected to family, so this is the perfect antidote ❤
This kinda started as one of the blanket statement videos that make me annoyed, but then it turned into a well articulated and backed up concept that is genuinely helpful. That made me smile.
What I really like is when someone is texting or calling and we can just talk about a topic, any topic but not my depression. Politics, music, weather, movies, hobbies, whatever! It distracts me, makes me feel not quite so hollow because I can think and converse, and feel connection instead of loneliness.
This is my favorite advice. And then if the responses are “off” or concerning, you can ask questions about how they are doing. It is a social check if they are having a better day, and it can be a safety check if they are having a difficult day ❤
The next step I think is coming over to hang out. Watch a show, play games, eat food.
Wanna talk? :)
Nobody wants to be around debby downer
and isn't that just a little bit healing? For me, it helps me realize that my whole entire world isn't depression! Because some of my depression is from living alone being alone too much.
Yes. You don't address a depressed person with a load of questions, demands or recipes. You help by showing up, just connecting and running things on your own battery.
Very well explained and great examples.
Running things on your own battery? For a little while, if your own battery happens to be fully charged just when you need it to be? Sure.
Longterm? Running two people on your one battery, accepting a relationship where one person overtly demands that only one person be responsible for making connection happen, in a way that requires nothing from the other?
It's an excellent way to make yourself depressed.
You know what you get when 48% of young Americans report symptoms of depression or anxiety, *and* people believe that when depressed, they can check out of their relationships and ask their friends to run the relationship solo [48% of whom, statistically speaking, do not have a fully charged battery going into this]?
A loneliness epidemic.
Pour into the people who pour into you. Don't accept a one-way street relationship as anything but a stopgap, and only if the other person shows awareness that you're indeed a person with her own needs - not their emotional support squirrel.
@@br3669 Well, depressed people don't demand this effort from others; they usually demand nothing. What we're talking about here, is how to better help if you already want to, if you're feeling you want to give it a go. Of course, you're not expected to continuously overtake for his lack of effort. These are just examples of short interventions that work, as opposed to things that don't. It's a way to give a little back if you have the time and energy, because you care enough for that person or just because you know that we are all sort of connected, giving, taking, and sharing according to our possibilities and needs in different stages of our lives. Of course you are not to deplete your batteries trying to save another. These are things you do when you feel your vitality can uplift a friend, to give him a taste of how worthwhile life can be. As in the examples the video gave. You don't adopt him or his problems, but you are just ready to run on your own battery for a little while, just to entice him into action and awaken his appetite again, at least for a few hours. It might shake him up positively.
@@br3669 We're talking of the right gestures to help, here. Not of long-term or taking over.
@@br3669Very good thoughts and explained.
@@br3669 It's not like they're doing it on purpose. They literally are depressed.
A depressed person can rarely articulate this type of information. Friends and family will often feel frustration, anger and rejection because of it. I am so grateful for you and this simple yet powerful message. 😔
Man, I wish my parents heard this advice.
It would’ve really helped me get over some tough times.
There was a whole summer where I did nothing but sleep. I’d sleep all day, wake up and eat dinner, and then go back to sleep.
My parents noticed and they sat me down at the dining room table, with my siblings in the other room. They asked me what was wrong, and I didn’t know what to say. I was lethargic and irritable, but I didn’t really have a reason for it, I just was.
So after a few minutes of interrogation and a couple of “idk’s”, they gave me an ultimatum: either I told them what was going on or they’d beat it out of me (they were big believers in corporal punishment, so getting spanked or slapped was normal whenever we were being punished).
I remember just sobbing there, unable to put my feelings into words. The put my anxiety *through the roof,* and the only thing it did was make me even more afraid to speak. And even after all that, I still ended up saying not a word about how I was feeling that night.
Long story short, this is what I needed in that moment. A movie, a hug, a cookie… not a damn threat. This was just an extreme example, but you shouldn’t try to force the feelings out of someone. This is the best advice I’ve heard ever to help someone struggling with mental illness.
Thank you for letting me rant.
It's unbelievable to me people talk to their children like that, I'm sorry you had to experience that.
It’s all fine now. I’m doing really well, I just had that one season where I felt out of it. It’s not really a core memory of mine until I’m reminded about it
how are you doing now?
I’m doing well, thank you for asking. My mental health has yet to take a decline and it’s been about two years. I appreciate the people willing to hear me out though, even if it just looks like a rant or vent comment.
@@coaarteaga6766 have you been able to find ways to help you push through in a healthy way? like journaling, art, and things of that nature?
This is so true!!! Depressed people also don’t like being shamed for how they cope. Supported yes! Shamed makes it worse!!!
👏👏👏
Very true. I can do "bad" on my own. I don't need anyone adding on to it.
Genuine question, no judgement. What if their coping mechanism is objectively unhealthy, like overeating or drug use?
@@Ragnellrok shaming will still only make things worse.. Show support in a sensible way
@@solus8685You cannot in good faith support their coping mechanisms if it is bad. If they are harming themselves, showing support of that is not a good thing.
This like almost rendered me to tears because all through my depression, I would’ve appreciated this… so much. Instead I lived out the last several years alone having to explain myself and make decisions I didn’t want to make
❤️I can’t imagine the strength you much have
"hold fast"! (1Thess.5 :21)
Me too sadly. 😭
I'm sorry you had to go through that. Hope things are better for you now.
Isn’t it good to talk about it though it get it off your chest at least once.
my last therapist called this "holding space" and it made me realize I've always been doing this for others without ever getting it back.... I wish someone would hold space for me one day.
It litterally made me cry by how spot on this is. Thank you.
From someone who has experienced depression, this is GREAT advice. From someone who has tried to love friends through depression… I want to impress on you that not all people with depression want to help themselves. They are allowed to say no, they are allowed to wallow. You do not have any obligation to burn yourself out trying to fix someone you love who does not have the desire to help themselves. Offer the help, but don’t over-extend yourself for someone who doesn’t care.
This is a great point. I will say to your last few sentences, it’s not necessarily that the person doesn’t have a desire to help themselves or doesn’t care.
As someone who has dealt with severe clinical depression for over 15 years, it has nothing to do with a lack of desire or care to feel better. I’d give anything to not feel this way. But it isn’t my friends and family’s duty to try to fix what I’m fighting. It’s a disease just like any other, and not everything can be wished away by a desire to make it so.
You as a support person can love in the capacity you are able to and that will be more than enough for the person going through it to know someone cares. Just thought I’d share my two cents on that aspect. ❤
The fact you consider depression "wallowing" is interestingly enough reason for me to believe you're not very supportive and judgmental and they know this about you.
@@nayjavu Wallowing doesn’t always mean to be a bad thing! And it seems unfair (and ironic) to judge a person based on a single word they used.
@@nayjavu I feel like this goes a bit deeper. As someone that has had fairly strong depression their entire lives.. sometimes wallowing is accurate. There is safety in not trying. When life weighs you down so often, the worst part of your life starts to feel like home. A toxic, destructive and incredibly bad home for yourself - but home nontheless. Sometimes stepping into that home, seeking comfort knowing that it will not get worse than this worst point of your life is just that.. I consider those moments to be wallowing, because I go into it knowing it's not the best, knowing its bad for me and others, - it's just egoistical relief.
@@pastelshizu that is so on point. I've had depression since I was 9 (my depression ten year anniversary is coming up, yay! Lol) and to me, wallowing is when I simply choose to give up. Not in life in general and off myself, I can't do that and even when I get that low, I remind I myself I promised to my best friend not to do it, to my parents, because I know they care, even if they don't show me the support I need. I just... Let myself rot away in my bed because I don't have the strength to keep fighting life to be happy. I let myself hit the bottom, have a rest and pity myself before gathering some strength from heaven knows where to keep going
One of my favorite memories from one of the darkest times in my life: My friend wanted to hang out and go shopping. I slept through my alarms and wasn't awake when he showed up. He broke into my house (wasn't that hard lol) and woke me up with a coffee he brought me. He was patient with me as I got ready and we went out. I felt so awful about sleeping in (going to bed at 'normal times' is one of my biggest struggles) and he cringes about breaking in but I treasure that day. Being out in his car on a sunny day, going thrift shopping, with a coffee that I only have because of his determination to hang out. I was in such a dark spot and needed that light and connection so badly. Not recommending breaking into your friend's homes, but make sure they know you treasure their presence 💖
Yeah this is me right now, sleeping through alarms and waking up at odd times... I'm trying to fix myself, but I wish I had a friend like that
Oh mannn that sounds so sweet though, I get it. Like, obviously I'd have to already be close to this person, and I'd be worried about just how easy it was for someone to break in... but a huge thing that I (and I think a lot of depressed and mentally ill folks) deal with is feeling like my friends don't actually like me that much, which makes it extra hard for me to initiate hang outs. Knowing that one of my friends was so determined to hang out with me they BROKE INTO MY HOME would also be a highlight of that friendship for me and make me more comfortable in that friendship. Which is bizarre to admit.
But yeah, probably best to show that sort of love in less potentially invasive ways LMAO
It's these moments of love that touch us so deeply and change us forever, thank you for sharing!
@@SACKBOY123432 Right, where do you live? I’m coming over
I for one do recommend breaking onto your friends house, better to have them be pissed at you than finding out they might still be here if you didnt
Oh my God man... thank you for sharing this for people!!
They mean well but make things worse in a way by constantly reminding.
Thank you for saying this, very true. The things that always helped me most when I was down wasn’t adamant concern because it feels invasive and makes me feel pitied, it was the willingness to just be there OR to simply ignore it until I felt like bringing it up on my own.
my favorite thing to see is just a simple “hey I love you”
I love this advice so much because making responses and decisions is one of the hardest things
Watch out when and how you use it, others may misunderstand it as a romantic confession.
that one destroys me, because makes me remember everyone that I wanted to hear that from and never will
True!! I try to be very open about how much I love my friends (and always in the still-beginnings of friendships clarify it is platonic), and it makes me happy to share with them, and it makes them happy to hear.
When my depressed online friend (who's like an older sibling to me 🥹🫶) doesn't have energy to talk, it's been nice to just still leave a little message to them whenever I have the thought of how much I appreciate them, rather than keep quiet about it.
@@sugoish9461a virtual hug requires nothing more than accepting the thought that someone cares enough to send it.
Also, instead of hope you get better soon/however it's expressed, just wish them Nice Thoughts. Followed up by a hand on the shoulder or a platonic hug.
Be extremely careful saying that to depressed lonely men though. Trust me. Some of us can definitely take it the wrong way.
It's actually one of the best explainations I've ever heard about depression.
WOW!! A man who isn't self-centered!!! Congradulations! You are rare!❤
The best text is just "I'm coming up" and then they show up and you just chill. It doesn't end the depression. Sometimes it is on pause. But everyone needs that break.
I think that’s a wonderful advice because a person who is depressed can’t handle any more pressure. Just holding space being there watching TV together anything. Bringing dinner but certainly no pressure no huge big words of advice because they’re not in the space that they can hear it. It only makes them feel worse about themselves. They already know they’re depressed.
I thought I knew what depression was because of my abusive childhood. But now I am realizing that was nothing compared to how I feel as a lonely miserable grieving adult. I actually voluntarily went to a psych ward just because I know that idiot shrinks dole out drugs there like candy and you can safely and cheaply have a means of committing suicide by the time you leave and the facilities are generally so horrific you will be more than ready to too
I don’t like people trying to force me to talk about my feelings during a depressive episode, but honestly i really prefer my friends to ask “how are you” at least once. even though i am not well, it reminds me that there are people out there who care
Same, I'd wish someone would ask me that during my lows, but I'm always the one that asks more, and it's like as a result no one notices when I'm spiraling and when I try to say something it's like they don't take it seriously
Maybe it's different in male and female friendships, but I don't even ask my friends what's wrong because when something is wrong with me I hate when I have to explain to someone who asked especially when it's likely they asked just to be polite. So I assume they wouldn't want me to ask that either. Instead I try to let the conversation go however they want and if they wanna talk about feelings I listen and be supportive and shit
@@sebaschan-uwu stuff like that is also why harm numbers for guys is up though...even if you're not into it it's good to let your guy friends know you have them
“How are you?” is more powerful than most people realize. I make it a point for it to be the first thing I say on a phone call. It always seems to a more open meaningful interconnected discussion; and I cherish those interactions and try to cultivate them as best I can.
i think its important to ask how someone is doing, but it has to come from a place of genuine concern and they have to be okay with an answer like "bad. very bad" without further explanation, for several days in a row. and still offer their depressed friend some way to connect thats low effort for them.
This is straight gold… as someone who has recently found themselves in deep serious depression just people’s presence without energy or expectation is more valuable than anything.
This is genuinely so good ❤️ strength to everyone out there. Keep going. Keep living. And be kind
If you're depressed you need to try and find a solution. You need to figure out why you're feeling that way and you need to fight to get out of it. This idea might work a few times, but in the end you need to find solutions for yourself. You need to get up and outside and start walking. I needed to stay away from alcohol, or at least realize that if I were going to drink, I'd feel anxious and depressed the next few days. I needed to set boundaries with people. I needed to sober up and take the time to sit in the feelings and to process them. I needed to stop eating garbage food and to exercise. It helped immensely, and it'll help others too.
Lets stop asking people how are you and ask people what do you need? That builds connection. 🧿
The problem is, during those times no one knows what they need. 🤷
They might feel guilty or embarassed to say what they exactly need
I mean he addresses exactly that in this clip.
Instead of questions, suggest time spent together.
No...depression sufferer here, . We habe decision paralysis and when I say NO energy I mean it. Then when I cant answer that question from fatigue and paralysis, its compounded with shame.
Know what they like, send out the idea and plan that has low pressure and just do it.
When I'm depressed because I don't have a romantic partner though, saying "what do you need" doesn't really make sense lmao. There are some situations where nothing can be done for somebody.
Connection with others is a way to stop spiraling in rumination that makes depression worse, but people not understanding you just need to feel their presence and not necessarily do anything at all makes it so hard that isolating seems like to solution where you don't have to put up a mask to keep up with others, not worry them and stop self judgement for not being able to honestly say you are fine, which makes depression end up being worse. This video is so accurate and I'd appreciate more people understanding the need to not pressure into having a "normal" interaction specially when someone is being open about having a rough time with this illness.
Very very good advice. I cut contact with everyone because it was way too complicated to even talk to them. My husband and my sons instinctively got it right. Bought me NCIS all seasons, drifted in and out of the room, hugged me and let me heal.
God this is the best advice in my entire life. Now I can really help someone. I never though about adapting like this. Thank you.
You’re so welcome 🙏🏻
I honestly never thought about it that way, I don't know anyone that needs help but that is such a great advice. Wow. Thank you.
As someone who's been chronically depressed for a very long time--one thing i actually love is just... getting kidnapped. I've had friends who'd just be like hey I'm coming over to steal u cause I'm going to [the mall, ren fest, etc] and want ur company. Not too often and like, don't rush them and be willing to take a no--but honestly it's so nice to just get out of the house and have fun. But also yeah i love just...a casual hangout!!! And I'm so grateful ppl care about me!!! But bro i do Not wanna talk about my feelings, all I've been thinking about is my feelings let's talk about something else 😂😂 ❤❤❤❤❤
Totally true. I know one guy who is depressed (at least I have the feeling that he is). And I see how hard it is for him to say how he feels, he gets angry, he always says everything is perfect, he just doesn't want to speak. When I just show him I am there for him, without any questions ir pressure, he reacts in absolutely different way. So you are right. Depressed people don't need any questions, any advice. They need connection, presence. And the weirdest thing is that they never tell it. They seem to be avoidant until you just show them everything is okay, you don't expect any explanation.
As a chronically depressed person, here's a couple of the reasons behind never saying what we actually need: The only thing worse than not getting what you need is asking for what you need and still not getting it. There is the also the worry that someone will only give you what you need out of obligation because you asked, and that it is an imposition. Depressed people are often very sensitive to rejection, whether it is real or only perceived.
@@KiriaDK Very well said
This. We don’t talk a whole lot about the immense guilt and shame that comes with speaking even one genuine word about our struggle with depression, and never coming from a place of such empathy and profound insight.
THANK YOU!! It's crazy how many people will either:
- Try to fix you immediately with the most unhelpful tips or borderline orders.
- Accuse you of being lazy.
- Tell you to snap out of it in different ways.
- Or check out of your life.
😔
"Don't" is a strong word. Asking how someone is could open up a whole nother dimension to a person. It takes a bit of learning and time to understand how someone would want to be approached, and it's unique for every person. Personally, if someone all of a sudden made some random plan that involved me I'd be stressed out! But that works for some people! I hope whoever is going through some hard times finds what gets them going in life ❤️
It's just a simple kindness in a simple action. Depressed people almost always isolate because we just don't want to bother anyone OR have to explain anything. Baking cookies or muffins for an hour, going out for a quiet walk would change everything for an hour or day for seriously depressed people. These days though, reality is that no one has any time they're willing to give. Lots of time for RUclips, FB, though. 😢
I think even with healthy activities like exercise and hobbies there are still various reasons for depression. For me no matter how much I do the healthy activities and get that life giving Sunshine and those wonderful endorphins, I just want my grandparents back. And I just want to love a man and be loved by one like they were toward each other. They were the only romantic marriage I ever saw or knew. They remind me of God though and that God is a romantic at heart. He loved Humanity sooo much He came to earth as a human man and died for me and everyone. Jesus is really the only dude I'd follow anywhere. But I think it's because I feel like He gets what it's like to experience the muck and mire of human misery but also know that God is always faithful. The God I believe in was there all those times I was alone. He saw every tear and He heard me and cared when no one else did. Ironically this post while it may not make much sense to anyone else was clearly helpful to me. I feel like it reminds me of the good stuff--my belief in my Jesus and what He can do. I know I am a sinner. Proudly so. We all are sinners lol. I am so thankful that God's love is not conditional or easily lost like human love. His love is the only thing I know is true ❤❤❤
He's right. I understand their feeling and always be careful before conversations. And also don't judge yourself when mistakes happen. We're still people with flaws but learn from them ❤
Thanks for the advice ❤
The number one determining factor in preventing suicide is presence. Your connection gives them a reason to stay.
Unless you’re like me and just want to be left alone. Always being around people is mentally exhausting but a lot of society doesn’t understand how anyone can be happy not talking and in solitude.
But if you're happy, you're not depressed so how is this relevant? This is about how to support a friend dealing with depression.
I didn't know they were mutually exclusive. I spend half of every year depressed and the last thing I need is the burden of somebody trying to spend time together.
I'm good with showing care and making sure I know they're there for me if I felt like it, but spending time together with somebody drains me even more.
Just because somebody else doesn't experience things like you do, it doesn't mean they don't know what they're talking about or that they're wrong.
@@aitzepeYes. I completely agree. What's with the "Oh. You must be feeling so lonely" talk? 😄 If I was feeling lonely, well I have friends phone numbers who I can phone. I can cope okay, though, even if I do spend time with myself. I'm out all day, at times, so once I go back to my flat, I like my own space, to rest and recuperate, to get my physical energy back. It isn't a big ask. People don't respect their other friend's needs for time and space, which makes the friendships feel mentally draining . It takes a lot for me, to want to talk, sometimes, but if anyone takes offence to that, then wow. I can only do so much in a day.
@@Humanoidfrenzzy depression is a disorder, not an emotion.
You can be happy that you're alone while still being severely depressed. That wasn't a contradiction.
The worst part about being depressed is knowing nothing anybody can say or do will make you feel better.
That hasn't been my experience.
That's the situation I am in. When your depression is caused by lovesickness nothing anyone says or does makes it better.
@forrrrestjohncave Says? No. Does...maybe. see your friends connect with people. It's counterintuitive, but depression is a disease of loneliness.
@@forrrrestjohncaveit will pass issue is it could take years! You will know you are healed when you can imagine yourself happier with other people
Yeah. Then what?
Thank you. It's hard to ask for help when you're deep in a depressive episode and the guilt that comes with not being any better on my own was heavy. I wish those in my life had this kind of content back then but they did they best they knew how to. This kind of content can save lives ❤
You are completely right. I've suffered from depression throughout my life, and what you said made complete sense. I wish I'd had a friend like you.
My mom had depression and I made these mistakes waaay to many times. But I honestly didn’t know what could I do.
This is a great explanation!! Thank you! Seriously!
You tried, and you didn't know how to do it the right way, so please don't blame yourself 🫶
This video is from the perspectives of someone who should and can be helping. When you start looking after other people you might have to do this, but not to your mom. (Sorry to push my “shoulds”) I hope you are both better now🙏
I don't know if my mom ever was or is in depression(probably was idk I was too young) but I always liked to just sit with her in the kitchen when she's cooking or doing the dishes and tell her whatever my curiosities, dreams, thoughts were or just anything amazing that I recently learned and I really felt that sometimes those were/are the things she enjoyed the most.
(Sorry for my grammar mistakes, if I made some😅)
It's just that people seem to force themselves upon me, these days. I don't have to spend time with anyone. I choose who I spend my spare time with. We can choose our friends. 😊
Yes I agree with all that Mathias is saying. People can learn a lot at self help meetings like GROW or AWARE. They welcome people with no mental illness for that reason.
Man that is such a great way to help, that would've been nice when I was going through depression
As someone with MDD (major depressive disorder), this is incredible advice.
Also, even if you can’t physically go to the person, just letting them know that you’re thinking of them and hoping things get better for them means a ton.
pfp checks out
And this is what a stereotype in practice looks like
This!! I try to send a little message to my online friends whenever I am randomly reminded of how much I appreciate them and care for them, instead of just letting it stay inside my head. It makes me happy to share, and makes them happy to get 🫶
Great comment! I have been diagnosed for many years with anxiety and depression and MDD!! I just watched a video from Carnivore Quest that "Carnivore cures depression!" and I could really relate to that!! I'm 72 and went keto then carnivore over 2 years ago, and my anxiety and depression are gone, and my chronic pain I have lived with for over 25 years with fibromyalgia is now minimal!! I love the mental clarity I have now!! I encourage you to check out the carnivore way of eating!! A close friend of mine is a Navy veteran and she has suffered with PTSD for many years, and nothing has helped her, not even shock therapy. When I texted her on Veteran's Day, she told me that she had also gone carnivore and that was the only thing that has helped her PTSD!! She has lost weight and says she is feeling so much better!! What do you have to lose by giving it a try!! I'm thankful that I did!! God bless you!! Don't give up hope!! ❤❤
Is that an only meat protein diet ?
Be glad they care enough to even ask! Damn. Wish I had some friends to text me and ask me how I'm doing. People are so ungrateful anymore...
Seriously! No one ever texts me! And my closest friends all live in other states, so they can't just *drop by*, and I can't just *go over* and make them s'mores...
It's not being ungrateful. Be grateful you don't get it!
@@eatjonesoh It IS being ungrateful. Stop complaining that people care too much about you!
Yeah idk what these people are talking about. If some even bothers texting you be grateful. My friend doesn't even text me unless I plan for something and text them first. And that's fine because no one owes you anything.
. The thing is not being ungrateful someone cares. It's that sometimes when folks are deep in depression, the last thing they're going to do is reply what they're actually thinking. They're going to say they're fine and that's the end. Barker is saying if you suspect they're struggling and reach out in a specific way to just exist in the same physical space as them, you are much more likely to really connect meaningfully and help them through their depression. A lot of people have gotten so good at putting a face on that they habitually deflect and don't even consider sharing how they really feel. A lot of times it is because the depressed person doesn't want to be a burden to anyone by dumping their problems on them. But when spending time together is framed as a favor to the friend, the depressed person often will gladly accept the offer/ask because they will move themselves to do for others what they can't be motivated to do for themselves.
It just makes me really sad to see people watch a clip like this and have the takeaway be that someone is being ungrateful for a text when the reality is that the person may be so glad to know someone cared to ask but still not be able to really connect in the way they need to. The video is offering how you can really reach your depressed friend if they aren't ready to be real yet. Sometimes they haven't even gotten real with themselves.
I was in the hospital for a long time, and I had a lot of friends and family asking me those questions that I’ve answered a million times before that I didn’t want to repeat again. But I had some who came and just sat with me and talked to me about their day, letting me relax and just listen to them talk without having to contribute. They were the best visits, and I’m still grateful for them
So true… those of us that experienced the hell of severe depression we know what to do. It’s just that it’s difficult to explain not even having the motivation to just go outside and sit in the sun. I know it sounds crazy, but I’ve had those kind of days and then I feel worse about myself it’s vicious cycle until you one day ask from the bottom of your heart for help and you will be amazed. “ ask without hidden motive or doubt in your heart .. and you shall receive.”
As a chronic depressed person id be happy to have a friend text me anything. Greatful even.
Grateful* 😊
Same, lol, like no one ever asks how I'm feeling
It's sad, so consider this a text from someone who understands. I much prefer a phone call, and I've tried to tell some of my friends this. It's fallen on deaf ears. They are happy and don't want to be interrupted in this. I have one friend locally that needs me and will be concerned. Another that is long distance and if I'm not calling enough or he knows I'm getting worse, he will just send comforting texts from work than I can wake up to. Mostly I'm ignored from family and other old friends and that's really haunting me and making it all the harder. They know, but just figure I'll get through it on my own, even though this is the longest one I've ever had. My mom thinks I can just snap out of it if I choose to.
@@saintejeannedarc9460Wow I really feel everything you just wrote… I’ve been feeling depressed this past year and it’s mainly because I’m realizing that my very close friends didn’t think we were that close. Hence why they’re not answering my texts or calls. 😢
mmm... i hope you're doing ok today. if you're not, well that's okay too. i hope it gets a little better sometime.
I just started crying. This could be the difference between life and death for someone. Definitely could be for me. Thank you for this 🖤
appreciating the fact that im not the only one having this sort of reaction watching this. hope you have a good day with nothing specific dragging you down
I just don’t value friendship enough to bother that much.
Wishing you friends like this in your life!!
@@jaredf6205What do you mean ?
You don’t like your friends enough to take some time for them and try to help them to feel a little better ?
Or do you mean something else that I missed ?
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It makes me feel human.
I've been pretty good the last few days. And much better than for example last year. But this short clip, your words, your eyes, your facial expressions... they brought this feeling right back. Yes, that's what I would have wanted. And yes, I still need that now. Eventough I can function okay.
True. I actually stopped calling a friend for a long time because I was going to wait until I had something positive to tell her. That time never came, and I lost your friendship because of it.
I have chronic pain, as well as depression, and the last thing i want is to be called to go somewhere. I really feel this
Do you mean is? I'm confused
@riverwing7497 yeah is. It was a typo, i fixed.
I have chronic fatigue and pain, and I think this is great advice too! I’d love someone to come over and cook me dinner, or hang out with me when I’m too tired to go anywhere, not even my family would do that and they all live locally. Sadly most of my friends live all over the place and I don’t have many local friends. I have all the time in the world, but not the energy, and I find it really sad that certain people don’t have the time for me.
@willowtree6487 yes i would love to have someone just show up and offer lol
@@willowtree6487oh how I can relate to you! I'm 72 and was disabled at 50 with chronic pain from fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, anxiety and depression, and MDD. Also have spinal issues and have had 5 spinal fusions that cause pain! Over 2 years ago I went keto then carnivore, and my biggest fear was that I would not have the energy, or the pain would be too bad, for me to cook meat and eggs. But I felt like I had to give it a try! So thankful I did!! Anxiety, depression, and MDD are gone, my pain is minimal, I am no longer type 2 diabetic, finally at my normal weight, and I am finally ENJOYING life again!! Please check out the carnivore way of eating!! It gave me my life back!! God bless you!! ❤🙏
Even just "thinking of you. Here's a picture of a cute animal" can mean the world
😊🌎✨
It's just having someone there with no pressure,,no questions,,no judgement
I need that I also think a lot of people do this is a really good example to tell people what you should do if you have a friend going through depression. And it’s a really good way to show what you need when you’re going through depression.
I get that many depressed people don't appreciate just a check up text but I do. It makes me feel better to know my loved ones care about how I am feeling even if it's in passing. Also can give me a chance to vent. Coming over directly and pulling me out of bed is definitely best, but I also appreciate a quick digital check up even if it doesn't hit the same.
Same. I appreciate a friend who takes the time to ask “How are you?” and really mean it, even if they already know the answer. It means that even if I answer “Still awful” every single time they ask, they aren’t sick of hearing it. It tells me my depression isn’t a burden to them, and they really care about my inner world.
To pull you out of your bed is such an overstep of boundaries
@@kirbylover37I think that's hyperbolic speech. Like, not actually pulling anyone out of bed 💀
@@saniainez Idk, I'm really not trying to be pedantic here but they sounded pretty explicit
@@kirbylover37 considering comment says that "pulling me out of bed is definitely best"...
At least you feel loved if people ask better than nothing..
This is also great for burnout and overwhelm, which can also be aspects of one's depression.
When I'm in burnout, or when I'm whelmed, having to answer a bunch of evaluatory questions like "How are you feeling?" or "What do you want? What do you need?" is a lot to process. I feel like i need to meet a threshold of OK so as not to be a burden. Or the act of trying to assess my current state is so resource intensive i jusy get stuck.
The less decisions i have to make, the easier it is to recuperate.
This is so accurate. Directly asking is not the most helpful way to show support, especially towards men who are struggling, because society tells them to shut up when they try to express themselves. SHOW UP. (With permission of course). Make the effort to put yourself in the same space as them, and once you’re there, try to make it clear you’re intention is to show whatever support they need, on THEIR terms, no judgment, period. If you notice that things are really messy in their living space, maybe ask if it’s okay if you help them with a task that requires little from someone who isn’t struggling, but could be insurmountable for someone in active, deep depression-like running a load of laundry, just picking up some trash they’ve let accumulate, doing something to help physically brighten up the space, make it look better. And if they refuse because “it’s too much to ask”, remind them that a task that feels insurmountable for them right now does not represent the same amount of effort or energy for you to complete it for them. You can handle picking up trash because you’re doing well enough that you not only have extra “bandwidth” or “spoons” left after taking care of your own needs, and you are choosing to spend a little bit of what’s left to assist a friend because that’s what you wanted to do, to help them with something they may not be able to handle at the moment. Maybe encourage them to take a shower if they have been neglecting hygiene while you clean, so they don’t have to watch you, and they can have their own task to accomplish while you do yours, so they feel less like a burden. That way you can have a sense of parallel accomplishment without the friend feeling like they “made you do something for them” because they also overcame a hurdle on their own: bathing, even if they had to be encouraged to do so.
Great advice, I had a friend do this for me when I was struggling, she used to just come over, cook me something to eat, wash the dishes and just basically be there for me. She’s still my best friend 20 years later ❤
hot damn, and you haven't married this person? That's an amazing friend.
@@saphironkindris we’re both female, and straight 😂
@@missluna5 Don't let that stop you! xD /j
So heartwarming to read this. What a beautiful friendship. May you be both richly blessed.
A true friend
This is so true. I don’t want to be asked about how I feel, I don’t want to have to lie and say I’m doing well. And on the slight chance I do say I feel depressed, I certainly don’t want to be asked why or how they can make me feel better. Short answer, you can’t make me feel better. There’s no shortcut to being happy for me. I don’t want to go out places. I want to be at home. I of course appreciate when people visit me, but I don’t like leaving my home unless necessary.
For sure, connection is what’s needed most
This video is the best way to Explain how our Lord Jesus works in your life for better, that addiction, that constant rage over eveything, or simply the lack of desire to live can go all away with you just accepting that movie night invite, only that, he invites you to read the bible, to listen to what he has to say about you and figure out that youre really special as a human being and as a child of God, to experience true Joy and everlasting happiness is to accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Saviour and accept his invite, even if you dont believe in God, just try, and if youre not convinced then you can just go back to being how you were before, but i really urge you to consider this invite to focus on Jesus and him alone, Stay blessed sister and brothers❤❤❤❤❤ He is coming soon and he want to take you home which is heaven, tomorrow is not promised so lets make every second count❤
Absolutely. I simply text them "I hope you're feeling a little better today ❤" - which I never expect a reply from bc I know how hard it can be, but I just want them to know that I am thinking about them.
yep. i hate it when people ask how i am because i either have to lie and say "fine", or i feel like i'm just being a downer all the time. i have to explain why i'm 'not fine' and i don't know why i always have to explain or justify. Isn't "life suffering" Lol. Most people take it as the default that one should feel 'fine'... but if you don't feel fine, then it's like oh, what happened? But sometimes, nothing's really happened per se... i just don't necessarily feel great most of the time. :| so... i don't know how to answer this question. hahahah yikes. :/ I guess i try to just say "same"? Most of the time I know they aren't asking for a real answer...
In general i find it really annoying when people can't just empathize with your struggles but always have to find a solution to everything. That feeling must be three doubled when you're depressed
This is so good. I actually suffer from major depressive disorder and this is spot on. I needed to hear this though, because I am that person who will ask someone else going through depression "how are you feeling today," or try to fix other people by offering suggestions.
As a person who has been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, I appreciate this video so much and agree with it wholeheartedly. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I finally understand that this is how my cousin helps me when I feel sick, anxious, or depressed. When I feel like shit she doesn’t try to fix me, she just says, hey wanna hang out, watch a movie with me, bake something? Instantly love her presence. Makes it even sadder that she’s moving to Alabama soon (we live in NJ) because her husband is doing residency there.
You hit the nail right on the head. When you are going through depression trying your best to get through to the other side, you feel like you just want to keep things simple. You don't want to hear about another person's problems because you are doing all that you can to keep yourself together.
The number of times I hear "just change your mindset" 😢. I stop explaining that this is not how it works and I just need some connection. Just sharing how I feel, without you judging or advising me. So thank you for this short ❤
Don’t ask them a million questions. They don’t need judgements they have got enough of that. If they say no, respect the boundaries.
WOW! THIS IS REAL. Well done!
Got emotional just thinking about this. Spending time with someone, without requiring anything from them, is brilliant!!! Putting the burden on yourself, instead of the person who’s troubled… Absolutely brilliant!
Almost all of my friends are neurodivergent and have experienced some form of depression/anxiety. So we send each other memes
My mom says to just “choose to be happy”, or “take a nice bath” for anxiety… oh and that people should just “get over it & move on” from trauma.
wish i had a friend when i was depressed, that self-isolation is real. I'm glad I pulled through even though I was alone...
Sometimes, the best thing you can do for a friend is simply be there and allow them to not be okay. Don't make them feel like they need to be anything. Let them mourn, and let them process their feelings. You allowing them to do that is validating for them.
Wow ! 💯 % true ! Society needs to be correctly educated on mental health like this guy !!!!
Wow... you've put words into an explanation that represents exactly how I've felt before. I've never thought of even explain it in this way. This is spot on. Reflecting on this, I've never asked my friend and family members (who are going through tough times) how they feel because subconsciously I already knew this. I would just say, "Hey, I'm coming over. We don't have to do anything. You don't even have to talk to me. You can lay on the couch, and I'll read a book while you rest your head on my lap". I think I did this because this is what I needed during times of depression. Btw, I'm not saying everyone who suffers from depression will respond positively to this. This has just been my personal experience.
This is SO good. For me, when I'm in my wrist moments, having to make decisions or leave the house just feels tremendously exhausting. If someone did this, it would have been so nice.
... I just realized I had a friend who did this. I never realized that she probably figured out I was depressed. I should reach out and thank her.
That's so true. It takes the pressure off if they just have the loving and understanding presence without having to explain.
Just be glad someone cares about you and is taking an interest. When I was younger, I suffered years of suicidal depression and was on many meds and hospitalized multiple times. This was before texting existed, but if it did exist at the time it would have been nice to have people ask how I was.
I'm glad to hear you say this. Thank you.
Friendship is a two-way street, and people need to understand that asking how someone is means that someone is investing energy into your relationship. Most people aren't fully charged at 100% when they reply they're "fine", which is probably why no one expects people to say, "I'm great." By definition, "fine" means getting by. It's a minimum. If you're just surviving, you're fine. It won't destroy your conscience to say it because it's not a lie. Getting by at a baseline is unique to people's specific circumstances. Friends who know you know what you mean. They understand your baseline.
I just did this perfectly with my bipolar friend yesterday. God always gets it right. If you’re listening, to both of them, you all got this!!!
❤❤❤❤
Yeah, I really needed that during my depression episode. Just someone to be there with me.
One of my best friends lives across the country from me. It lights me up when he sends me youtube videos or randomly reaches out. It's good to know that someone is out there, who cares. Incidentally, he doesn't have depression or any mental disorders. But over the years, he has taken more time to learn and understand it because of his friendship with me. He's a rare one.
Tell me about it. My best friend lives about three town's away from me. Just depended which flat became available for her, a few years ago, yet I wouldn't have anyone else being my best friend. I met her when I was age eighteen.
Hehe, this is so real. Every time my depression gets so bad that i can't fully mask it, my roommate just asks me if I want to watch something (in like, the softest voice ever like he's talking to a wounded animal). I burst into tears every time, and he doesn't comment on it or anything. He just sits down and waits for me to pick something. It just makes me feel so comforted and loved. I don't normally like feeling seen because i just feel so vulnerable and exposed, but there's something so nice about relaxing and letting down my guard enough to just stop pretending for a little while.
Its a great short and all that jazz, but am I the only one obsessed with the videography. the lighting and colour palette is crazy good
This is very thoughtful and I can see how this would actually help better than anything I tried
You could literally write a book.. with just this advice in it.. and it would sell millions. This is gold.
Truuee just the presence of someone who doesn't actively drain me by being loud or annoying does a lot for my mental state. Sometimes it even encourages me enough to shower.
this genuinely made me cry a little because it’s so accurate. i’m learning to be a bit more honest with how i’m feeling but only with a small amount of the people i know at the moment. all my friends are online because people scare me (half joking) so hanging out with them is always nice.
I've had depression since I was 8. The power of it kind of comes and goes. When I have an episode when it's really bad, my friends understand. They're just there and it helps me feel better rather than them trying to help me
Accurate way to support a depressed friend. I would appreciate this on my down days instead of a bunch of options or l having to be outside with a bunch of people. Just connect the energies for recharge, a comfort movie, some good food, a good shower and support can turn around a bad day or the beginning of the slope ❤
Just show that you are a good friend. Make some actions, not just words. As a last stage depressed person i will ignore 100% of friends messages, but i think i cant send them home if someone will show up.
Sometimes we don’t help others because we don’t care.
Most of the time, it’s because we don’t know how.
This is the best!! People have no idea how hard it is to have to explain and the more they inquire- the worse it gets. You need a little space and a lot of love and someone to “choose to be with you”. This advice is spot on. Well done. Brought tears to my eyes
This seems like good advice but I also don't want to pressure my friend to say yes when they just want to be alone.