I found in my long life of this, the first step is standing up for yourself and calling it out. Even if you are not being heard, speak your truth - even just for yourself. For the Universe
I agree. Speak your truth, but if it's rejected and twisted into yet another weapon to use against you, be willing remain silent thereafter. Don't keep explaining, because the type of people who use this tactic can and *will* turn anything you say into new ammunition.
I agree. I have spent many years of being gaslit, and, through trial and error, have learnt that argument is no use, in fact, it is what they are after. Instead, I remind myself that I know what occurred, despite what is being proposed. I remind myself that I am an honest and true person, not what they are trying to create me as.
@@SolaGratia. You’re right, Sola. We don’t keep explaining (who’s listening, anyway?!). Yet it can be good for us to simply state what is going on, before walking away. I believe stating the truth out loud reinforces in our OWN mind what’s going on (as long as it doesn’t result in narcissistic retaliation). Hey, maybe even the gaslighter might begin to get the idea… 😂 At least we can walk away and SILENTLY reject their behaviors (belittling / minimizing / shaming, etc.) by naming them to ourselves. Best to you! 💚
I agree with this 100%. I knew a narc who would call everyone around them a narc. They loved to play victim to get more supply. It's a Neverending process with these entities. Be careful. They also hang out on channels like these looking for new supply. It's like when a person goes back to the scene of a crime. Love and light. ✨️ 💛
"When someone is trying to gaslight you, chances are they already know what you're talking about." Yes. A repeating pattern I've seen with several narcissists I've known is to say "Give me an example of when I did this behavior" when I tried to address a problem I had with their behavior. It was gaslighting and deflection away from the issue at hand, intended to stump me as I tried to think of another example of the behavior. Sticking to the point was met with narcissistic rage, stonewalling, silent treatment, blame shifting, etc. It's pretty pointless to try to address a problem with a narcissist's behavior as I've learned, so now I just adjust my behavior accordingly, usually to cut all ties with the narcissist, or at least put them behind the grey rock firewall.
"I don't have to give you an example. This is what I'm telling you." That's the gist of my response now. Learned from my own tendency to pursue an understanding or resolution with those who - in hindsight - were clearly not concerned about my feelings or open to feedback. And discovering that once I've described an example, it's just a trap. The example is rejected, denied, or twisted around and used as further ammunition. What I learned from rejecting that demand for an example, is that the gas-lighting, narcissistic, or abusive person takes it as a sign that they'll get nowhere with me and, typically, they move on. Which is fine. Gone are the days when I'd feel inadequate at the loss of the relationship. Now I just feel, good. Dodged a bullet.
My mother and MIL both do this. "Give me an example." I give several carefully detailed examples, only for them to insist it never happened and even if it did I deserved because I was being horrible to them. My mom is the queen of "that never happened," before I can even finish my example.🙄 not worth it. Last time I told her "Considering you deny everything I ask you to be accountable for, I hope you don't expect me to rush to give you specifics."
A fire blanket over our rage at being abused _ is giving us depression. We cannot 'Mother' in Depression. Period. Depression is dissipated when u focus of self care goal and u accomplish the goal. It can be simple goal like putting out trash _ start small _ u grow massively beautiful when u love yourself for others. You are the Mothers _ the Earth where all life comes from. All women belong to Jesus.
As narcissists exhibit a pattern of toxic behaviour, it's probably a good idea to tune into how you feel around a person to determine if they are narcissistic. If you are not energised around a person, don't feel seen or valued, and see a toxic pattern of critical, black-and-white thinking where you end up being judged, shamed and devalued, then avoid spending time with them. They are giving you emotional poison to drink so don't drink from their cup.
Remain calm, centered and rational. I have someone close to me who gaslights and I finally said "No. This has a name, it's called gaslighting and it is a manipulation tactic. I won't accept being treated this way". The look in their eyes was of surprise and a little panic and they quickly changed topic and 'made nice'.
I think that's where flying monkeys (FM's) come in; - they do the dirty work for the narc so that, when confronted about some abuse, he can later claim plausible deniability, or just throw the FM under the bus, or both. Narcissists love to sit back and pull the strings, they must get sinister laughs from using others to do all their dirty work so that they need not lift a finger. 😞
I needed this today!!!! Lol my favorite one now is "we're concerned for you". Me enjoying the peace of silent treatment that's done to me😎✌🏼!! And when they do talk to me I just agree with everything they say. Yup, you're right😊! For me calling it out just makes them silent. And then a week later they start up again. As if they never heard me call them out. So from now on they're always right. And that pisses them off more than if you stand up for yourself. Because you're refusing to play the game. The only way to "win" with these people is to not play the game. Keep everything to yourself.
So right. I realized my ex was getting supply from my outrage, so I ignored the bait and would ask a question like whether he had enough work shirts or something. So he started another tactic: Creating an alternate reality in which I was cheating on him. I suppose he knew the end was near so he had to get in front of it. People believe what they want to believe; I simply disappeared.
Gaslighting term has been used in High Court Judgment in the Family Courts February 2022 in the UK in a move described as a “milestone” moment. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
@@investingmytime9026 some things are “objective truth” like climate destruction or shooting someone. People can live in delusional beliefs that there is no climate destruction happening for sure. What I am talking about is the subjective truth of my personal lives experience which literally no one but myself can ever even comprehend- let alone some random intent troll. Knowing your truth vs. being a slave to you delusions are two different things that delusional people try very very very hard to correlate so that everyone around them will also be contaminated with their delusions. The only thing that protects you from the delusions of fools is the self knowledge of your own truth. Sorry not sorry you can’t understand all that. It must suck.
Thank you Darren for this one, although it brought past emotions and anger to the surface as you described what my mum did to me over many decades. Only now through therapy have I found out about gaslighting and that she is narcissistic. The arguments we used to get into and the utter frustration & anger she would cause me by twisting and turning facts and her version of events to avoid accountability. And the word sorry I cannot ever recall leaving her lips, even when she really hurt me with her actions and I explained, she could not say sorry. It’s exhausting & upsetting and a lonely place to be when you have to accept your mum has no empathy for you & it’s all about her.
I experienced the same with my partner only that worse than not saying sorry, he would say sorry while at the same time insisting that he did nothing wrong and then he would ask me to apologize for my reaction, leaving me totally confused and not even knowing which way to feel
Yes, and say it with sarcasm.... This was actually a breaking point for me. "How stupid do you think (or hope) I am." I didn't have to vocalize it and have to receive their fountain of horse-hockey explanation, I knew that answer😁
I think the smartest advice here is to keep a journal of moments you think someone is gas lighting. Sometimes you can notice a pattern and it helps you know what to expect in the future / how to react
I used to try and explain myself in so many different ways about the same thing just desperately trying to be understood, it never worked. It’s the same now sharing the care of our children. Simplicity is the key.
I have a sister who is the middle child of five kids. She acted like she was helping me get out of a bad family situation. I naively trusted her. She played everyone in the family. She acted to the rest of the family she was helping them and doing them a favor by helping me.
... bcuz we play a lot of Cricket in Oz... we call it 'middle order syndrome' commonly know as 'middle child .......... ' something.... idk.... the negotiator .. the go-between.. the fence sitter ... and dare i say it ? ... the manipulator... lol... there are some traits that 'birth order' relates to, but the dynamic can be so messed up in a dysfunctional family that 'birth order' traits get messed up too.
Darren, many thanks for your succinct, insightful comments. They've helped me SO much this past few years. What a calming & supportive presence you have too. I'm sure other folks find that as healing as I do ❣
It’s hard to just tell it how it is. ‘They wet the blanket and blame the pee on you’ you are right but it’s still hard. Keep going!! Cast the ‘dementors’ out. Don’t let them suck your joy!!
This! 👆🏻💯 It seems like such a small thing, but it's a safe and healthy way to keep yourself grounded in reality without having to interact with a toxic/abusive person, especially if you don't have a good support system to help you process your experiences.
My name is Rey, I'm from Indonesia. And I'm 17, before I didn't know what Narcissism was. But after I found this channel I knew, and I missed almost nothing. And I like the way Uncle Darren conveys it, and it's not difficult for me to understand it❤❤❤
One of the things I've learned from being gaslighted by my family all the time is I learned to believe in myself and trust myself, decisions, feelings and all. Having myself as my absolute loyal person is the game changer. Before this, every time I thought I had a loyal friend, or lover, it was only later that I found out they haven't been that loyal but sabotaging me at my back. My own mother was my gaslighter and emotional abuser. I learned not to trust her but in God and myself.
I'm an older lady, but I noticed that a lot of men dating use this tactic to get a foot in the door. They think doing this will make you doubt yourself and need them more. Kind of like you're lucky to have me even if it's a first date haha. Maybe they're used to this but they really want to move ahead with the date using a form of gaslighting maybe because it's worked before. It's what they know.
Yeah this is very true. But women do it too. It’s sorta like they are just so fukd up they can’t help themselves 🤷🏽♀️ all you can do is laugh and move on 😂 you catch them doing some sneaky sh!T and you nip it in the butt. I completely cut all contact with that person. Not dealing with that Bs.
yup, dont fall for it..... they are looking for supply.... shields up...... [i need more power Scotty... im sorry Captain, im given u all the power we got... the dilithium crystals are depleted.] da da daaaaaa !
You're talking about getting ensnared. Good for you for avoiding it! Btw, women I dated were worse; using gaslighting before, during, and after the relationship. Some left me in serious doubt about myself for years until I started healing.
@TapeWorm Yes, that "convenient forgetfulness" drove me up the wall. It wasn't next day though, it was often in the same conversation or a few hours later.
Writing a journal helped me a lot, especially seeing the pattern. But also the triggers for her, before she gaslighted/manipulated me there was always an occasion. This could be me getting sick so that I couldn't give her much attention, or when I said something that is important for me etc.
That was very helpful, Darren. Thank you. I was indeed in many a situation before when others attempted to gaslight me. Now I know without any thought of doubt. But, as I am the way I am, I didn't succumb to it. I kept asking questions, inquiring into things that didn't make sense, and, guess what? Those who were gaslighting were left speechless, they didn't know how to respond. They, more or less, simply backed down. While nothing was really accomplished, at least further potential damage was prevented.
They use words ,like they swallowed a Dictionary, they change on a weekly basis, they put words in your mouth you can't get an intelligent conversation out of them ,or never be able to have a heart to heart .about the relationship,so dismissive so intense ,they are messed up people ,RUNAWAY 👍👍 they go into lawyer mode..
You are sooooooo good! Sooooo thorough and detailed. This is healing for me to hear this. You are the first one that I’ve heard that has said to call it out if it’s safe. All the other channels say to never do that because it will never change them. They will never admit what they do. While you do say, they don’t admit usually, there is some power for the victims to be able to call it out. To let the abuser know that we are on to the behavior.
I was abused at a hospital and called to make a complaint at the patient relations department, and this woman tried to gaslight me toward the end like what happened was normal it’s wasn’t. That’s not that’s not acceptable that’s not what happens. I’ve never been treated like that in my life. I’ve never had somebody do that to me, she was trying to make what was done to me normal or OK no it’s not, and she tried it twice. Tried to gaslight me twice I called her on it and I said no I’ve never had anyone do that to me I would never treat anyone that way.. but she asked me did I think it was criminal? What does that mean? What is it criminal? I don’t know I have to think about that one. She’s basically trying to get me to admit to stuff so in case, I tried to sue them which I wasn’t going to anyway but it’s amazing I mean it’s everywhere people gaslight you everywhere you go and tell you what you saw or what happened didn’t happen and all but it was all right. No, it’s not.
I hate to say this, but I've learned the hard way that hospitals and similar places like care homes, etc, seem to attract predatory and sadistic people like magnets. I once had to have a tube inserted through my nose into my stomach when I started having complications after a surgery. I was vomiting constantly and the tube kept triggering my gag reflex, making it all worse. My roommate was with me and trying to help, but suddenly got angry and told the nurse to stop and leave, and when I looked up, the guy was grinning from ear to ear. He was enjoying watching me wretch attempting to swallow that feeding tube. It was like being in a horror movie, but I was so grateful my roommate noticed and stood up to the guy. That's why I try to never go to ER alone. Sometimes you're too ill or uncomfortable to catch signs of abuse or sadism, and it's easy for people like that to take advantage of your vulnerable state. Plus, hospitals are so afraid of being sued that they will never admit to wrong doing whether it was willfully done or not, so if you do have to go alone, don't be afraid to be your own advocate. Behavior like that needs to be called out.
@@dracular6897 ... a 'secret' recording will not likely be admissible, unless in a public place.... these app's must have a 'disclaimer' to avoid this problem in civil court. this is also no longer a problem if the Court matter is a Major Indictable Criminal Proceeding.
@@dracular6897 ... its a Federal Law here in Australia. all states and territories' are covered by the same law. its part of the privacy act. so its very hard to get 'around' such a law. thanks for the info tho my friend . ... information is power.. !
This is a classic. Doctors are defended whether they are right or not. It truly does not matter to such a white knight. Morals don't apply to them; only the image of having them does.
I’d rather go the opposite ways of a gaslighter than join them. For one thing it would disturb my space. So I want to be resilient. If that makes me not liked then so be it. There are many genuine folks out there. I just need to keep finding them to survive in this confusing world.
I am going to work for a narc, his wife actually. She is incapacitated. He is a handful. These videos are helping to prepare me. Thank you so very much.
Excellent solutions on how to deal with people who insist you are “too sensitive”or “can’t take a joke”. I have a few people in the family like that and I’ll add this to my response arsenal.
Your comment about controlling language hit home for me. My sister had involved me in an illegal scheme, she had falsified legal advice and lied for years about it. I told my parents I had to get legal representation… all mum could say was ‘how can you use such horrible language as ‘lying’, your sister is very sensitive you know’. Right, yeah, thanks mum. So I can’t call a lie a lie. And I’m the problem, not my criminal sister. That totally explains the terminal rot in our family. I’m out.
I had a person who held a supervisor position who did this alot. I was young and naive then. So I didn't handle it well. But this experience of gaslighting from the supervisors behavior taught me to be wary.
Thank you Sir! Asking them what the joke exactly was is REALLY goo advise!!! Never thought about that before. I am gonna watch the boundarie videos now. This was truely a blessing. Thank you for answering our questions. Oh, one more... How do we deal with people who cross our physical boundaries? For example we tell them that we do not want to be touched and they "accidently" touch us anyway? Ino there is no other option then leaving or sending that person away (if in your own house). But are there other things we can do and can we engage with such person another day again (as long as they behave that time because they have learned from the first time that you are serious about honoring your boundaries) or would that undo our boundarie? Thank you in advance! Bless you!
Wow this was powerful you don’t have to justify your point of you you don’t have to explain it you don’t have to fight for it it’s yours and it’s your right to have your opinion do you like to wear blue dresses and somebody says blue dresses are ugly that’s their opinion I don’t have to justify why blue is beautiful by the way I really appreciate your videos I really do thank you so much so intelligent so much information packed in so quickly I watch it double speed and Man that information is coming fast fabulous thank you 🙏 🙂💌
I find that People who need to be important or control tend to rewrite the past to their perception of it. and will be quick to take advantage of any doubt you may have in yourself even try to bolster or add to it.
When i call gaslighters out, they start playing victim. Look at how many he is to me. Then they start naming calling and people believe them for i dont know what reason.
Hey Doc/ councillor,. What kind of camera are you using? Have a look at it, and it's features. For some reason, it keeps blurring you and focusing on the neat background you got there. I suppose, it's hard to avoid because of your seating style ... Just wanted to mention it, in case you are able to do something about it. I usually lock the camera focus on me, that way it doesn't have the option to roam freely and focus on anything else :) And It goes without saying, I really appreciate and thoroughly value all the education and clarity, that you impart to us.
yes, my sister uses recordings and out of context comments ive said, to prove how monstrous i am. i know it sounds lame, but she actually enjoys getting me dysregulated and then using my incoherent behavior as proof how horrible i am. she won. i lost a sister. she will only correspond w text. and now, no contact. i have pretty bad neurological damage from several types of abuse, she even went to court against me after my father died. so nothing i could say or record would prove the damage she has done in my life. but she has every angry word ive ever said recorded. gaslighters will always win, because its important to them to win. guilty consciences have gotten out and are driving the ir buses.
What you have told about gaslighting is being faced by so many of us. But to tell you the truth the sufferer comes to know it sooner or later, but the gas lighter may not know about himself or herself being a gaslighter! Do you think differently? Thanks so much 🙏
At work: I have a google doc and an electronic folder started right now. I add to it as things come up. I am ready to picking up a free calendar to make notes on the weird gas lighting. Emails, and "work orders" are all going in it.
My narcissist sibling who has many a time harmed me financially by telling me her tales of woe and sadness. I would feel bad for her and lend her the money, only to be gaslighted later and of course the money lent was never returned. She literally denied ALL those instances that she borrowed money from me. The best part was she set all the text messages to "disappearing msgs" mode. She even blamed me for the money that she never returned, saying I must have lent it to some other person ! I guess that was gaslighting.
Gaslighting has always been around in the old days it was actual whispers around your neighbourhood these days the number one way of Gaslighting is social media
I mean: whispering lies around your neighbourhood is a.k.a. a smear campaign. While gaslighting is if they try to convince you that you're not thinking straight, that you are crazy, misperceiving stuff etc. Gaslighting is an attack on your sense of reality while a smear campaign is an attack on your reputation.
Is it possible for someone to gaslight or lie to themselves about something as big as cheating on their partner? I’m only asking because I have seen a partner who is manipulative and seems to deny all claims of lying and cheating, despite hard evidence that their partner brings to sessions. They just seem to think it’s the partner’s fault for not believing them.
Yes narcissist lie to them Self and they can’t admit their mistakes They rather abuse u and tell u it’s ur fault then to look with in them self’s and take accountability for their actions
I forgot to add they’ll start to complain to others about how uncaring I am. And if someone brings it up to me I say, “Yes, I’m aware that he’s painted himself as the victim in all this, but you don’t know what he’s like privately.” And if they ask for an example I say, “I’d rather not discuss it if you don’t mind”.
If you aren't requesting an opinion from someone then disregard them saying anything that is derogatory to you ,as in " no one asked for your opinion."
I get the concept that we should be more forgiving to people that actually believe what they are saying. but even if someone really believes another person is bad without giving the benefit of the doubt its wrong. cuz there is an easy solution, just give the other person a chance. Gas lighters love to accuse others of gas lighting.
My husband have narcissistic personality traits. I recognize this few year ago. My son is 26 year old he wants to marry a girl which belongs a disfunctioning family. She have no good job, very fat, not good looking, I opposed him. I am feeling we had no bonding (son and me) I did to much struggle to raise him. I need good counciling for him.
Son and you had strong bond when growing up. Now son is big boy and wants to marry girl of his choosing. But, you think he's insane to want this particular girl and needs professional help. I understand your concern but at the same time are you not gaslighting him now? Maybe he knows some really good things about this girl that you don't? Sometimes the grown bird needs to fall off the nest and learn how to spread the wings while on the way down.
I think I’m concerned about who manipulated the police department into gaslighting me - and the district attorney into not helping me- there is sinister behavior here that goes well beyond gaslighting- we’re talking high level confidence games - very serious and dangerous to my life
yup, call em out.... thats how ive ended up in civil court .... 2nd application. .. i dont want to fail... and i most likely wont ... [they are criminals] so... i do have two more legitimate applications, if this one fails... .. anyway, if the Court does hold them accountable [this time] ... that little fraction of Justice... that little fraction represents a whole friggin lot... ya ... Lo.... ............................... ...................................... ............................................. .. sigh
I found that saying “I disagree” and then walking off is very effective. And if they say later that I don’t want to discuss it or hear their point of view I say, “You’re right. I don’t “. And if they want to know why not I say, “I don’t have to explain myself to you.” And if they keep bringing it up, then I walk away again. Now at first they double down and accuse me of all kinds of things to which I go back to “I disagree”. And then they start in with the “I don’t understand. Why are you being this way? Why won’t you at least discuss it?” Then I say “Because we disagree on this and I don’t want to have an argument.” And if they keep on with “But why?” I say because I said so and walk off again. And believe it or not, if you keep this up long enough they will eventually quit.
If i gained a dollar for every woman on the internet that diagnose her partner as narcissist while staying with him, i'd be millionnaire. 😂 Narcissism is rare.
I agree about partner comments. I skip all the comments that mention 'my partner' or 'my ex' because this is just normal bad relationship or break-up resentment kind of stuff. I don't agree that narcissism is rare though. Obviously it's hard to say exactly but it is certainly a lot more common than it used to be (and is more socially accepted)
I found in my long life of this, the first step is standing up for yourself and calling it out. Even if you are not being heard, speak your truth - even just for yourself. For the Universe
I agree. Speak your truth, but if it's rejected and twisted into yet another weapon to use against you, be willing remain silent thereafter. Don't keep explaining, because the type of people who use this tactic can and *will* turn anything you say into new ammunition.
I agree. I have spent many years of being gaslit, and, through trial and error, have learnt that argument is no use, in fact, it is what they are after. Instead, I remind myself that I know what occurred, despite what is being proposed. I remind myself that I am an honest and true person, not what they are trying to create me as.
@@SolaGratia. You’re right, Sola. We don’t keep explaining (who’s listening, anyway?!). Yet it can be good for us to simply state what is going on, before walking away. I believe stating the truth out loud reinforces in our OWN mind what’s going on (as long as it doesn’t result in narcissistic retaliation). Hey, maybe even the gaslighter might begin to get the idea… 😂 At least we can walk away and SILENTLY reject their behaviors (belittling / minimizing / shaming, etc.) by naming them to ourselves. Best to you! 💚
I agree with this 100%. I knew a narc who would call everyone around them a narc. They loved to play victim to get more supply. It's a Neverending process with these entities. Be careful. They also hang out on channels like these looking for new supply. It's like when a person goes back to the scene of a crime. Love and light. ✨️ 💛
For the universe. Yes! ❤
"When someone is trying to gaslight you, chances are they already know what you're talking about." Yes. A repeating pattern I've seen with several narcissists I've known is to say "Give me an example of when I did this behavior" when I tried to address a problem I had with their behavior. It was gaslighting and deflection away from the issue at hand, intended to stump me as I tried to think of another example of the behavior. Sticking to the point was met with narcissistic rage, stonewalling, silent treatment, blame shifting, etc. It's pretty pointless to try to address a problem with a narcissist's behavior as I've learned, so now I just adjust my behavior accordingly, usually to cut all ties with the narcissist, or at least put them behind the grey rock firewall.
Yes, that is such a good point. They do already know.
"I don't have to give you an example. This is what I'm telling you."
That's the gist of my response now. Learned from my own tendency to pursue an understanding or resolution with those who - in hindsight - were clearly not concerned about my feelings or open to feedback. And discovering that once I've described an example, it's just a trap. The example is rejected, denied, or twisted around and used as further ammunition.
What I learned from rejecting that demand for an example, is that the gas-lighting, narcissistic, or abusive person takes it as a sign that they'll get nowhere with me and, typically, they move on. Which is fine. Gone are the days when I'd feel inadequate at the loss of the relationship. Now I just feel, good. Dodged a bullet.
My mother and MIL both do this. "Give me an example." I give several carefully detailed examples, only for them to insist it never happened and even if it did I deserved because I was being horrible to them. My mom is the queen of "that never happened," before I can even finish my example.🙄 not worth it. Last time I told her "Considering you deny everything I ask you to be accountable for, I hope you don't expect me to rush to give you specifics."
well said. on social media as soon as i gaslighting to a comment, i block them, just no point going round in circles with whataboutism etc
A fire blanket over our rage at being abused _ is giving us depression. We cannot 'Mother' in Depression. Period.
Depression is dissipated when u focus of self care goal and u accomplish the goal. It can be simple goal like putting out trash _ start small _ u grow massively beautiful when u love yourself for others. You are the Mothers _ the Earth where all life comes from. All women belong to Jesus.
As narcissists exhibit a pattern of toxic behaviour, it's probably a good idea to tune into how you feel around a person to determine if they are narcissistic. If you are not energised around a person, don't feel seen or valued, and see a toxic pattern of critical, black-and-white thinking where you end up being judged, shamed and devalued, then avoid spending time with them. They are giving you emotional poison to drink so don't drink from their cup.
Finally someone gives a working definition of this word.
Remain calm, centered and rational. I have someone close to me who gaslights and I finally said "No. This has a name, it's called gaslighting and it is a manipulation tactic. I won't accept being treated this way". The look in their eyes was of surprise and a little panic and they quickly changed topic and 'made nice'.
"Purposely misunderstanding" comes in handy during plausible deniability.
That's what a smear campaign will entail and the plausible deniability?
I think that's where flying monkeys (FM's) come in; - they do the dirty work for the narc so that, when confronted about some abuse, he can later claim plausible deniability, or just throw the FM under the bus, or both. Narcissists love to sit back and pull the strings, they must get sinister laughs from using others to do all their dirty work so that they need not lift a finger. 😞
Thank you. Spot on. No one gets to tell you what you feel or what you think. You are the only valid expert on you. Full stop!
i joke and say how come you know more about me than me
Not the only valid one _ I perceive is a very good 😊 therapist.
I needed this today!!!! Lol my favorite one now is "we're concerned for you". Me enjoying the peace of silent treatment that's done to me😎✌🏼!! And when they do talk to me I just agree with everything they say. Yup, you're right😊! For me calling it out just makes them silent. And then a week later they start up again. As if they never heard me call them out. So from now on they're always right. And that pisses them off more than if you stand up for yourself. Because you're refusing to play the game. The only way to "win" with these people is to not play the game. Keep everything to yourself.
So right. I realized my ex was getting supply from my outrage, so I ignored the bait and would ask a question like whether he had enough work shirts or something. So he started another tactic: Creating an alternate reality in which I was cheating on him. I suppose he knew the end was near so he had to get in front of it. People believe what they want to believe; I simply disappeared.
My ex used to say things then laugh and say I'm only teasing, he wasn't he meant it.
Gaslighting term has been used in High Court Judgment in the Family Courts February 2022 in the UK in a move described as a “milestone” moment. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
stand in your truth no matter what other people say
@@investingmytime9026 some things are “objective truth” like climate destruction or shooting someone. People can live in delusional beliefs that there is no climate destruction happening for sure. What I am talking about is the subjective truth of my personal lives experience which literally no one but myself can ever even comprehend- let alone some random intent troll. Knowing your truth vs. being a slave to you delusions are two different things that delusional people try very very very hard to correlate so that everyone around them will also be contaminated with their delusions. The only thing that protects you from the delusions of fools is the self knowledge of your own truth. Sorry not sorry you can’t understand all that. It must suck.
Thank you Darren for this one, although it brought past emotions and anger to the surface as you described what my mum did to me over many decades. Only now through therapy have I found out about gaslighting and that she is narcissistic. The arguments we used to get into and the utter frustration & anger she would cause me by twisting and turning facts and her version of events to avoid accountability. And the word sorry I cannot ever recall leaving her lips, even when she really hurt me with her actions and I explained, she could not say sorry. It’s exhausting & upsetting and a lonely place to be when you have to accept your mum has no empathy for you & it’s all about her.
So sad.. I am experiencing it too.. Dey have no empathy.. Just pathetic 😞
I experienced the same with my partner only that worse than not saying sorry, he would say sorry while at the same time insisting that he did nothing wrong and then he would ask me to apologize for my reaction, leaving me totally confused and not even knowing which way to feel
Yes, and say it with sarcasm.... This was actually a breaking point for me. "How stupid do you think (or hope) I am." I didn't have to vocalize it and have to receive their fountain of horse-hockey explanation, I knew that answer😁
I think the smartest advice here is to keep a journal of moments you think someone is gas lighting. Sometimes you can notice a pattern and it helps you know what to expect in the future / how to react
I used to try and explain myself in so many different ways about the same thing just desperately trying to be understood, it never worked. It’s the same now sharing the care of our children. Simplicity is the key.
I have a sister who is the middle child of five kids. She acted like she was helping me get out of a bad family situation. I naively trusted her.
She played everyone in the family. She acted to the rest of the family she was helping them and doing them a favor by helping me.
OMG I think my sister does the same thing.
@@justChrisjones so sorry 😢
I was so sweet and didn’t get it for so long
... bcuz we play a lot of Cricket in Oz... we call it 'middle order syndrome' commonly know as 'middle child .......... ' something.... idk.... the negotiator .. the go-between.. the fence sitter ... and dare i say it ? ... the manipulator... lol...
there are some traits that 'birth order' relates to, but the dynamic can be so messed up in a dysfunctional family that 'birth order' traits get messed up too.
@@mzliberty7647 yes, thank you!!
Now you are wiser. Now you set the boundary and stay out of the traps. Good for you. ...and sorry it happened.
Hard way to get the knowledge.
I love that you talk about how to tell the different between gaslighting and disagreeing, etc. Most videos don't do that.
Darren, many thanks for your succinct, insightful comments. They've helped me SO much this past few years. What a calming & supportive presence you have too. I'm sure other folks find that as healing as I do ❣
It’s hard to just tell it how it is. ‘They wet the blanket and blame the pee on you’ you are right but it’s still hard.
Keep going!!
Cast the ‘dementors’ out. Don’t let them suck your joy!!
Journaling Helps to Keep me From Being Able to Deny My Own Reality. Trusting Patterns + Trusting Myself.
This! 👆🏻💯 It seems like such a small thing, but it's a safe and healthy way to keep yourself grounded in reality without having to interact with a toxic/abusive person, especially if you don't have a good support system to help you process your experiences.
My name is Rey, I'm from Indonesia. And I'm 17, before I didn't know what Narcissism was. But after I found this channel I knew, and I missed almost nothing. And I like the way Uncle Darren conveys it, and it's not difficult for me to understand it❤❤❤
One of the things I've learned from being gaslighted by my family all the time is I learned to believe in myself and trust myself, decisions, feelings and all. Having myself as my absolute loyal person is the game changer. Before this, every time I thought I had a loyal friend, or lover, it was only later that I found out they haven't been that loyal but sabotaging me at my back. My own mother was my gaslighter and emotional abuser. I learned not to trust her but in God and myself.
I'm an older lady, but I noticed that a lot of men dating use this tactic to get a foot in the door. They think doing this will make you doubt yourself and need them more. Kind of like you're lucky to have me even if it's a first date haha. Maybe they're used to this but they really want to move ahead with the date using a form of gaslighting maybe because it's worked before. It's what they know.
That is more future faking and its rife in start of dating. Don't fall for it.
Yeah this is very true. But women do it too. It’s sorta like they are just so fukd up they can’t help themselves 🤷🏽♀️ all you can do is laugh and move on 😂 you catch them doing some sneaky sh!T and you nip it in the butt. I completely cut all contact with that person. Not dealing with that Bs.
yup, dont fall for it.....
they are looking for supply.... shields up...... [i need more power Scotty... im sorry Captain, im given u all the power we got... the dilithium crystals are depleted.]
da da daaaaaa !
You're talking about getting ensnared. Good for you for avoiding it!
Btw, women I dated were worse; using gaslighting before, during, and after the relationship. Some left me in serious doubt about myself for years until I started healing.
@TapeWorm Yes, that "convenient forgetfulness" drove me up the wall. It wasn't next day though, it was often in the same conversation or a few hours later.
_If you don't give a sh$t, you can't be manipulated_
But that's not a solution because you destroy yourself in the process.
@@goodnewsgracewell said b/c I know you understand the deep reasons why. As long as we understand, that’s what’s important.
Writing a journal helped me a lot, especially seeing the pattern. But also the triggers for her, before she gaslighted/manipulated me there was always an occasion. This could be me getting sick so that I couldn't give her much attention, or when I said something that is important for me etc.
That was very helpful, Darren. Thank you. I was indeed in many a situation before when others attempted to gaslight me. Now I know without any thought of doubt. But, as I am the way I am, I didn't succumb to it. I kept asking questions, inquiring into things that didn't make sense, and, guess what? Those who were gaslighting were left speechless, they didn't know how to respond. They, more or less, simply backed down. While nothing was really accomplished, at least further potential damage was prevented.
These videos are important, as many of us have partners who are gaslighters, narcissistic, etc.
They use words ,like they swallowed a Dictionary, they change on a weekly basis, they put words in your mouth you can't get an intelligent conversation out of them ,or never be able to have a heart to heart .about the relationship,so dismissive so intense ,they are messed up people ,RUNAWAY 👍👍 they go into lawyer mode..
You are sooooooo good! Sooooo thorough and detailed. This is healing for me to hear this. You are the first one that I’ve heard that has said to call it out if it’s safe. All the other channels say to never do that because it will never change them. They will never admit what they do. While you do say, they don’t admit usually, there is some power for the victims to be able to call it out. To let the abuser know that we are on to the behavior.
I was abused at a hospital and called to make a complaint at the patient relations department, and this woman tried to gaslight me toward the end like what happened was normal it’s wasn’t. That’s not that’s not acceptable that’s not what happens. I’ve never been treated like that in my life. I’ve never had somebody do that to me, she was trying to make what was done to me normal or OK no it’s not, and she tried it twice. Tried to gaslight me twice I called her on it and I said no I’ve never had anyone do that to me I would never treat anyone that way.. but she asked me did I think it was criminal? What does that mean? What is it criminal? I don’t know I have to think about that one. She’s basically trying to get me to admit to stuff so in case, I tried to sue them which I wasn’t going to anyway but it’s amazing I mean it’s everywhere people gaslight you everywhere you go and tell you what you saw or what happened didn’t happen and all but it was all right. No, it’s not.
I hate to say this, but I've learned the hard way that hospitals and similar places like care homes, etc, seem to attract predatory and sadistic people like magnets. I once had to have a tube inserted through my nose into my stomach when I started having complications after a surgery. I was vomiting constantly and the tube kept triggering my gag reflex, making it all worse. My roommate was with me and trying to help, but suddenly got angry and told the nurse to stop and leave, and when I looked up, the guy was grinning from ear to ear. He was enjoying watching me wretch attempting to swallow that feeding tube. It was like being in a horror movie, but I was so grateful my roommate noticed and stood up to the guy.
That's why I try to never go to ER alone. Sometimes you're too ill or uncomfortable to catch signs of abuse or sadism, and it's easy for people like that to take advantage of your vulnerable state. Plus, hospitals are so afraid of being sued that they will never admit to wrong doing whether it was willfully done or not, so if you do have to go alone, don't be afraid to be your own advocate. Behavior like that needs to be called out.
@@dracular6897 ... a 'secret' recording will not likely be admissible, unless in a public place.... these app's must have a 'disclaimer' to avoid this problem in civil court.
this is also no longer a problem if the Court matter is a Major Indictable Criminal Proceeding.
@@SolaGratia. ... omg... how aweful for you ....
@@dracular6897 ... its a Federal Law here in Australia. all states and territories' are covered by the same law. its part of the privacy act. so its very hard to get 'around' such a law. thanks for the info tho my friend . ... information is power.. !
This is a classic.
Doctors are defended whether they are right or not.
It truly does not matter to such a white knight.
Morals don't apply to them; only the image of having them does.
This is certainly the most in depth, comprehensive and insightful explanation of gaslighting I’ve encountered. Amazing!!! Thank you!!!
You are the expert on you and no one gets to tell you what you feel or think! 😊 spot on. Thank you Darren 😊
Priceless articulation of the subjects. I couldn't stop adding to 'watch later'. Thank you. 🎉
This was Great! 👍
I’d rather go the opposite ways of a gaslighter than join them. For one thing it would disturb my space. So I want to be resilient. If that makes me not liked then so be it. There are many genuine folks out there. I just need to keep finding them to survive in this confusing world.
Omg they are soooooo are so exhausting. Being calm can be such an effort when they trigger you. It feels like you are giving in somehow
I am going to work for a narc, his wife actually. She is incapacitated. He is a handful. These videos are helping to prepare me. Thank you so very much.
Excellent solutions on how to deal with people who insist you are “too sensitive”or “can’t take a joke”. I have a few people in the family like that and I’ll add this to my response arsenal.
Too embarrassed to answer back , Darren that’s bang on , you hit the nail on the head .
Your comment about controlling language hit home for me. My sister had involved me in an illegal scheme, she had falsified legal advice and lied for years about it. I told my parents I had to get legal representation… all mum could say was ‘how can you use such horrible language as ‘lying’, your sister is very sensitive you know’. Right, yeah, thanks mum. So I can’t call a lie a lie. And I’m the problem, not my criminal sister. That totally explains the terminal rot in our family. I’m out.
I had a person who held a supervisor position who did this alot. I was young and naive then. So I didn't handle it well. But this experience of gaslighting from the supervisors behavior taught me to be wary.
Thank you so much for this video!!
Thank you Sir! Asking them what the joke exactly was is REALLY goo advise!!! Never thought about that before.
I am gonna watch the boundarie videos now. This was truely a blessing. Thank you for answering our questions.
Oh, one more...
How do we deal with people who cross our physical boundaries? For example we tell them that we do not want to be touched and they "accidently" touch us anyway? Ino there is no other option then leaving or sending that person away (if in your own house). But are there other things we can do and can we engage with such person another day again (as long as they behave that time because they have learned from the first time that you are serious about honoring your boundaries) or would that undo our boundarie?
Thank you in advance! Bless you!
Great advice , ty .
There you go, explaining my siblings’ behavior, again. 😞 They best way to not get hurt by gaslighting is to avoid the gaslighter.
Wow this was powerful you don’t have to justify your point of you you don’t have to explain it you don’t have to fight for it it’s yours and it’s your right to have your opinion do you like to wear blue dresses and somebody says blue dresses are ugly that’s their opinion I don’t have to justify why blue is beautiful by the way I really appreciate your videos I really do thank you so much so intelligent so much information packed in so quickly I watch it double speed and Man that information is coming fast fabulous thank you 🙏 🙂💌
Thank you for sharing your awesome vids
I rejected feedback from someone I perceived as a gaslighter. He asked if I want to accept it. I said no.
I find that People who need to be important or control tend to rewrite the past to their perception of it. and will be quick to take advantage of any doubt you may have in yourself even try to bolster or add to it.
Thank you again for your help and all your videos
Fantastic content 👍👍👍❣️
YeS 🙌 👍
When i call gaslighters out, they start playing victim. Look at how many he is to me. Then they start naming calling and people believe them for i dont know what reason.
God bless You. Amen
They’re clumsy because a lot of them
Aren’t doing it on purpose , they have that delusion.
Hey Doc/ councillor,. What kind of camera are you using?
Have a look at it, and it's features.
For some reason, it keeps blurring you and focusing on the neat background you got there.
I suppose, it's hard to avoid because of your seating style ... Just wanted to mention it, in case you are able to do something about it.
I usually lock the camera focus on me, that way it doesn't have the option to roam freely and focus on anything else :)
And It goes without saying, I really appreciate and thoroughly value all the education and clarity, that you impart to us.
thank you for saying it is not about winning it is about managing yourself. ❤
yes, my sister uses recordings and out of context comments ive said, to prove how monstrous i am. i know it sounds lame, but she actually enjoys getting me dysregulated and then using my incoherent behavior as proof how horrible i am. she won. i lost a sister. she will only correspond w text. and now, no contact. i have pretty bad neurological damage from several types of abuse, she even went to court against me after my father died. so nothing i could say or record would prove the damage she has done in my life. but she has every angry word ive ever said recorded. gaslighters will always win, because its important to them to win. guilty consciences have gotten out and are driving the ir buses.
What you have told about gaslighting is being faced by so many of us. But to tell you the truth the sufferer comes to know it sooner or later, but the gas lighter may not know about himself or herself being a gaslighter! Do you think differently? Thanks so much 🙏
At work: I have a google doc and an electronic folder started right now. I add to it as things come up. I am ready to picking up a free calendar to make notes on the weird gas lighting. Emails, and "work orders" are all going in it.
They use word salad, and confusion as weapons.
My narcissist sibling who has many a time harmed me financially by telling me her tales of woe and sadness. I would feel bad for her and lend her the money, only to be gaslighted later and of course the money lent was never returned. She literally denied ALL those instances that she borrowed money from me. The best part was she set all the text messages to "disappearing msgs" mode. She even blamed me for the money that she never returned, saying I must have lent it to some other person ! I guess that was gaslighting.
Going through this on many fronts _ I'm being trained to be a 'princess warrior _ a REAL one_ I belong to Jesus. Oh yea_ all women belong to Jesus.
❤
Excellent, thanks.
Gaslighting has always been around in the old days it was actual whispers around your neighbourhood these days the number one way of Gaslighting is social media
That's a smear
@@SuspiriaX a smear on what just an opinion
I mean: whispering lies around your neighbourhood is a.k.a. a smear campaign. While gaslighting is if they try to convince you that you're not thinking straight, that you are crazy, misperceiving stuff etc.
Gaslighting is an attack on your sense of reality while a smear campaign is an attack on your reputation.
@@SuspiriaX yes especially if you're not aware you're being gaslighted you will believe you're going crazy and others around you will think so too
Thank you.
A lot of this made sense to me but it is edited with no space to breathe, I will have to watch it again to try and take it in
Is it possible for someone to gaslight or lie to themselves about something as big as cheating on their partner? I’m only asking because I have seen a partner who is manipulative and seems to deny all claims of lying and cheating, despite hard evidence that their partner brings to sessions.
They just seem to think it’s the partner’s fault for not believing them.
It's a classic move from manipulative partners...
Yes narcissist lie to them
Self and they can’t admit their mistakes
They rather abuse u and tell u it’s ur fault then to look with in them self’s and take accountability for their actions
I forgot to add they’ll start to complain to others about how uncaring I am. And if someone brings it up to me I say, “Yes, I’m aware that he’s painted himself as the victim in all this, but you don’t know what he’s like privately.” And if they ask for an example I say, “I’d rather not discuss it if you don’t mind”.
How would characterize gaslighting with honest critique?
If you aren't requesting an opinion from someone then disregard them saying anything that is derogatory to you ,as in " no one asked for your opinion."
This video is so helpful
how many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb/?? none...they gaslight
hahahaha
thank you for that Ann
we need more jokes like this
What are the words to use to respond to a gaslighter?
Ask them to explain what they mean.
Say “I understand that you aren’t capable of being honest about this but I trust my own memory because this isn’t what I recall happened”
When I go to doctors I record
A lot of providers in the health. Industry r narcissist and sosyopath
I get the concept that we should be more forgiving to people that actually believe what they are saying. but even if someone really believes another person is bad without giving the benefit of the doubt its wrong. cuz there is an easy solution, just give the other person a chance. Gas lighters love to accuse others of gas lighting.
I think it is best to stop speaking with abusers that do that to others. I am done with those that have kept that up.
Is Narcissistic Amnesia a REAL Thing?
My husband have narcissistic personality traits. I recognize this few year ago.
My son is 26 year old he wants to marry a girl which belongs a disfunctioning family. She have no good job, very fat, not good looking, I opposed him. I am feeling we had no bonding (son and me)
I did to much struggle to raise him. I need good counciling for him.
Son and you had strong bond when growing up.
Now son is big boy and wants to marry girl of his choosing.
But, you think he's insane to want this particular girl and needs professional help.
I understand your concern but at the same time are you not gaslighting him now?
Maybe he knows some really good things about this girl that you don't?
Sometimes the grown bird needs to fall off the nest and learn how to spread the wings while on the way down.
How many times did you use the word 'I'. To me you seem a narc and leave your son alone!!
It's better to be with a kind fat partner with no job than with a rich sociopath slim one.
"...She have no good job, very fat, not good looking..." I don't believe that any of these are qualities that determine a good marriage.
I think I’m concerned about who manipulated the police department into gaslighting me - and the district attorney into not helping me- there is sinister behavior here that goes well beyond gaslighting- we’re talking high level confidence games - very serious and dangerous to my life
Dragging into Gas-lighter's drama can be energy consuming.
Gaslighting is normal! to a CERTAIN extent!
Most people use gaslighting as a defence mechanism but it’s when it’s deliberately used that it’s problematic and it’s a harmful behaviour
💚💚💚
Darren is cute
👍🏽
yup, call em out.... thats how ive ended up in civil court .... 2nd application. .. i dont want to fail... and i most likely wont ... [they are criminals]
so... i do have two more legitimate applications, if this one fails... .. anyway, if the Court does hold them accountable [this time] ... that little fraction of Justice...
that little fraction represents a whole friggin lot... ya ... Lo.... ............................... ...................................... ............................................. .. sigh
I thought this was what my ex was doing, turned out it was all in my head. According to her anyway...😀
narcists do wrong, change history, play mind games, act victim ,create chaos and disturbances among innocent people,
I found that saying “I disagree” and then walking off is very effective. And if they say later that I don’t want to discuss it or hear their point of view I say, “You’re right. I don’t “. And if they want to know why not I say, “I don’t have to explain myself to you.” And if they keep bringing it up, then I walk away again. Now at first they double down and accuse me of all kinds of things to which I go back to “I disagree”. And then they start in with the “I don’t understand. Why are you being this way? Why won’t you at least discuss it?” Then I say “Because we disagree on this and I don’t want to have an argument.” And if they keep on with “But why?” I say because I said so and walk off again. And believe it or not, if you keep this up long enough they will eventually quit.
I knew I wasn't wrong.
I haven't got a family. I never had.
DFM 👍
If you say something more than once, it is nagging.
If you say something more than once, it is nagging.
If you say something more than once, it is nagging.
If you listen the first time the person doesn’t need to say it twice
@@philippagrimoire5968 yes 👍
If i gained a dollar for every woman on the internet that diagnose her partner as narcissist while staying with him, i'd be millionnaire. 😂
Narcissism is rare.
I agree about partner comments. I skip all the comments that mention 'my partner' or 'my ex' because this is just normal bad relationship or break-up resentment kind of stuff.
I don't agree that narcissism is rare though. Obviously it's hard to say exactly but it is certainly a lot more common than it used to be (and is more socially accepted)
Minimizing has been a constant in my life I am learning what it looked like and how I can know my self better
as the fact to see it isn't always malintend of the other. thanks for the information available for all people.
I am on to them. tfw weak