How to MAKE FRIENDS...as an ADULT.
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- Опубликовано: 23 май 2024
- These are the things that helped when I was frustrated and struggling. I hope it helps you too. 💕 Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order by clicking my link here: bit.ly/413zDxr
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💕 Caroline
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Not For Everyone: @not4everyonepod
*available everywhere you get podcasts.
SPOTIFY - (friendship episode) open.spotify.com/episode/7Aon...
(hang with friends episode) - open.spotify.com/episode/7Aon...
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This video was edited by the magical @benner.mp4 ❤️
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𝐁𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐈𝐍𝐐𝐔𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒
carolinewinkler@thesociablesociety.com
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00:00 - Intro
1:39- What changed??
3:28 - the MOST important rule
5:00 - places to make friends!!
6:30 - do this WEIRD thing
8:45 - STOP doing this
12:00 - Thanks to Brooklinen
15:18 - The SYSTEM of making connection
16:18 - It's not about you (ITS OKAY!)
18:52 - The EBB and FLOW of friendship
21:07 - FRIEND BREAKUPS
23:48 - There's nothing wrong with you.
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All opinions are my own. Some links listed are affiliate links which means I earn a small commission if anyone decides to purchase through them. Thank you so much for your support!
Please note that I am not a professional, in fact I am the literal opposite. I am just a plebeian out here loose on the streets. Things that I am NOT: a builder, trainer, craftsman, therapist, nutritionist, physical therapist, medical professional or anything else. All projects seen on my channel must be completed at your own risk and responsibility. Please see your own professional or counselor for professional support. Do your research and be safe!
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We're all going through it. I've been in and out of the could-really-use-a-friend phase of life multiple times. It often devastated me. This video contains the tips and processes I learned slowly over the years and I truly hope it helps someone. If you want a deeper dive, I go there on the podcast: open.spotify.com/episode/7AonLceGhKI7x3grEWC7wy?si=2l_6HIbCTrqcj20Q0j8otA
Hang in there. ❤
Can you pin this on top?
I've 'dumped' some friends and I've been dumped. As I've matured I realised that turning my back on certain friends was as a result of my inability to set boundaries and to speak up about behaviours which I found unacceptable. So I'd just push it down until I just couldn't take that last straw. Then I'd just lock them out; no explanation or further conversation. It's not you, it's me babe.
🥰
❤
I'm 99.9% sure the thumbnail photo for this video was taken on the stoop next door to my house.
Was this taken on Henry St in Brooklyn?
Holy shit Caroline, I DID take notes and I'm going to rent clothes and I'm grateful my hangups on the way to climax don't involve pillow symmetry! But I'm so happy for you that you're with someone who is willing to help you out there. Now I love him too 😘
Gosh, Caroline, I will be 69 next week. I was part of a four girl group since we were all fourteen. We didn't grow up texting the phone was our medium. We shared every get together, every date, every class we couldn't stand, every shopping spree, every heart break, every graduation, every wedding, every baby, baptisms, holy eucharist, cofirmations, our babies going to war, graduating college, EVERYTHING. And now one only wants to text, don't call. One doesn't call or text - the one I was closest to. My husband died by suicide, she could not bring herself to call, text, or even visit me. The last holdout and me talk every week. We text interesting or funny things. Even the ones you thought would last forever just don't. And sometimes you never know why. Good talk today. I shared this one with my son. Love you and I am going after those sheets and towels!!! ♥️
I too had best friends since highschool. We were very close...trauma brought us close and sharing our experiences...then as we got older and had families it became harder to connect in our happiness. It's been over ten years now haven't spoke with any of them. Still not sure I want to.
I wish you and your son all the best and love.
@@fionaschiffl8065 Thank you Fiona (my favorite name). You are very kind to write me and I will pass your message on to my son Ryan (another Irish name).
Sending love & strength 💕
@@Starsmiley111 Thank you for your message Stars. I appreciate it. ♥️ ⭐⭐
I am 38 and I’m finding out. It’s the old elderly people who are the easiest to make friends with because they actually will talk to you in the most random places.
Yes! They also have more time than most people our age (I am also 38). I have become friends with my 74-year-old nieghbor over the past two years. What also helps is being in a similar life situation - she is retired and single, I am single and unemployed at the moment, and was working from home before. This has given us a lot of time and space to bond, especially thanks to spontanous meet-ups at her or mine place a couple of times a week. So easy when you live in the same building! (and have common "enemies" like the landlord or some annoying neighbors).
What about young elderly people? 😝
@@martuskarogowska She/He is lucky the Generation Z are so tech, iPhone Savy, knowledgable most accept years of wisdom i swim,sauna daily, Spirtual Healing,back Shuastu Mondays& Gong Baths I encourage them Blessed be 🙏❣️🤔
@@gorraksmashskull dam right years of experiences
They were raised in a different period when houses where built with porches that always sent a message of invitation.
One thing that I think has massively changed throughout societies all over the world is the "easy access to distractions". If people are bored these days, they watch a movie, a tv-show, youtube, play video games, passively scrolling social media etc... looking back 50 years ago, people were a lot more "bored" when they didn't have access to all of our current on-demand and online services. Due to boredom I think people naturally spent more time with others, we they coffee together, hung out together, interacted socially, because what else would you do? This is the biggest change I can see from the early 80's when I grew up by looking at my parents social life here in Sweden.... Sure, I have been a computer and tech geek since childhood, and love tech, but today I actually despise how the convenience factor of entertainment services disrupts the social nature of humanity. I agree, today we need to work harder, we need to be more intentional to maintain or get new friends... Remember, you don't have to have all that much in common to be a good friend and have deep connection with another person. The most important aspect of friendship is to actually spend time together and care for one another.
Completely 😢
@@carolmorris7483 true sadly
Yes!🙌🏽💯 I was born in the 80s and grew up (in NZ) being part of the the last generation (gen X & Millennial) before everyone had smartphones. I feel like it was definitely a privilege, not a burden. People sought connections/friendships in real life, instead of chatting online. We didn't have an epidemic of depression and anxiety like the western world does now. You had to face fears head on instead of hiding behind screens, which only seem to provide a false sense of security. I struggle raising my gen z kids in an environment that doesn't feel familiar at all. I know I can't expect them to have the same childhood as me but I also want them to be free of the dangers and addictions that technology brings. Would be nice to see a balance right now✌🏽💕
Facts. I'm so guilty of it myself, I think many of us are these days, it's just so easy to turn on a youtube video (like this one) and feel entertained and somehow connected to the world. I've had moments when I was hanging out with friends and actually found myself wishing I could go home, relax and just watch RUclips. That feels so fucked up to admit, but this is part of our reality.
Such a good point
Thank you, Caroline, for articulating what I have intuitively found to be true. I was married for 32 years. My wife died February 2022. I felt like half of me was gone. We were both introverts, so we didn't have many friends, but we had each other. Now, I find myself having to figure out who I am, and learn social skills I really never had. I am getting way outside my comfort zone, but it's getting a little easier as time goes on. I have a secret weapon, though - a super cute and friendly dog. She introduces me to everyone.
Dogs are amazing!❤
My son's name was Peter Matthew.... I'm sorry for the loss of your wife. I don't know what I would do without my animals! I'm definitely socially awkward and I'm losing patience with that! 😅❤😢
I swim sauna 2/3 times weekly, & Gong Baths,any complimentary therapy, eat in a Park Cafe, join meet up groups, widow groups??!! iPhone ITEC classes no Offense meant backing classes?? (Vist kennels?? )art gallery’s
Love the dog idea! I love animals and love seeing and talking to people who obviously love their pets. I instantly happy when I see a happy caring relationship between a dog and their person. I am an introvert too. Hi 😊
Salutations from an ambivert. 😊
I've wondered about the friend thing too. It seems like I used to meet someone, and after determining what our favourite colour or slide was, we were besties. No drama. Now, it seems like it is hard to find anyone who just wants to be friends in the traditional 'go get a beverage at a café and talk about a book' sense of the word.
Sigh.
If anyone is interested, I'm the one at the corner table watching people while pretending I'm reading. 😏😅
I just want to say you feel like one of the few youtubers that gives actionable advice on hard topics like this. Thanks for everything!
one of the best things you could say to me, i am so glad it feels actionable. they're hard conundrums, which is why people struggle with them. my advice is certainly not a golden bullet, but i do hope it helps along the journey
@@Caroline_Winkler You are so wise Caroline !! Your videos always amaze me and give me so much to think about !!
I agree! The actionable advice really sets you apart.
1000% agree
It's not a hard topic
I have one friend who is AMAZING at making new friends, she jokes that she doesn't have any friends, only acquaintances or best friends and she has at least 15 very close friends as an adult in her early 30s. We became best friends in college and she gave me advice that has been so helpful to me ever since- it's so simple but she told me that if I like someone and want to be their friend, all I need to do is tell them that I like them and want to be their friend and invite them to hang out. Then once you've hung out one time if everyone had a good time, you just start treating them like a friend- texting them random funny thoughts, inviting them to come along to stuff you're already doing, etc. Obviously it may come off a little strong to say "I like you and want to be your friend" (or not depending on your personality and situation) but something along those lines that feels appropriate for the situation. That advice felt like the permission I needed to make it happen rather than just waiting around for friendships to somehow grow and it's served me so well!
That's great advice from your friend, and it's something I always did as a child. I'd go up to other kids on the beach, say my name, what grade I was in and ask if they wanted to play! It always, always worked, and we were best friends until it was time to go home at the end of the day. I really wish it was that simple now.... but maybe, like your friend says, it is! 🥰
Omg thank you. I will do that, I was kinda waiting for people to invite because I don't like to impose (never did) and people just don't think of inviting you even tho I told them (I was volunteering at a musem) you just arrived in town. People don't get cues. I feel so "dumb" after reading your comment as it sounds so obvious.
I know it sounds so obvious but I needed someone to tell me too! I usually go with something like “ I enjoyed talking to you so much, I think xyz is so cool about you, I’m actually new to town and trying to make some new friends, would you ever want to grab a coffee or go for a walk?”
Good luck!!!
I know it’s like she never lost that childhood ability! It really is a great lesson to take from kids :)
Tbh that is how a majority of my friendships in adulthood happened! I'm neurodivergent so I don't always pick up on social cues, which makes the beginning part of friendships stressful for me. But there have been a few times I've been out with someone I'm just beginning to get to know, and we've bumped into someone that they know while we're out at dinner. They'll introduce me to the newcomers as their friend, and in my head I'm like "Oh. Okay. I guess we're friends now! Woohoo!" Lol
Author William Gibson is quoted as saying, "“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.” Regarding making friends, before you say "I suck at making friends," look around to see if you're in the midwest." I lived in Minneapolis for quite a few years, and it was impossible to make new friends. The saying goes, "Minnesotans are friendly, but they're not looking for any more friends." I did make one good friend, and she told me she was surprised that I just invited myself over to her house (to bake some cookies with her!) because NO ONE DOES THAT. (she wasn't offended or anything).
Contrast that to when I moved to New York City when I was 40. I made a new friend every day. I could chat up someone about their shoes and soon we were hanging out. It really matters where you live.
I’m still stuck in the Twin Cities so if you ever make your way back to the Midwest, let’s connect 🎉❤
i agree i live in a small town in iowa and have lived in this town since 1966 and now i have to create a life with no friends because all mine are dead or have moved on it sucks
YES. Leaving the Midwest was the best thing I ever did for my social life and mental wellbeing.
@@AimeeKeenan hi! I'm 33 black femme , in mpls too😅
JUST once a month? Girl, if I was seeing someone once a month, I would consider that person my best friend.
can i see you once a month?
My best friend and I only see each other once a month 😢 she’s been my best friend since HS and she married my brother. She is quite literally my only friend too.
Yes, I see my friends once a year of I'm lucky.
@brittnay279 I see. I know the pain. I hope you find people with common interests that you both like to spend some time with each other. Pick something to do, anything, you can always go on language classes. I took an English course and met a new friend there.
@heather333 Exactly, that's the case with most of my friends, too. I moved and we live in different cities now...
Some advice to people who are “not in the market” for a friend: why not reach out to someone who might need a friend. I had many friends in New York, then I moved to the burbs. I worked long hours in Finance (SAHM did not mesh) and had a special needs child (he couldn’t do sports or other activities, and other kids didn’t like him, so other parents ignored us too). It was a very lonely couple of decades. I reached out to many people who just had no time for us. Try to be kind to that person looking for friends. Give them a chance. You might like them.
Yes! So many people who already have connections (usually people who grew up in the area and have life long friends or lots of family in the area) often don't seem to realize how hard it is when you don't have that. I also have a child with special needs, and when you add that in, it's can be soul-crushingly lonely. And I'm an introvert! I can't imagine how extroverts handle it.
Wow … This comment will stick with me. I’ve always been kind to people who needed kindness, but I think I could have actively reached out more to offer friendship. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. ❤
👍
Truth!
I think often “not being in the market” for a friend doesn’t necessarily mean that they just don’t need one, but it might mean they don’t have the energy or availability.
What I have found- single serving friendships- friends of convenience- shared environment friends: if I’m willing to do all the planning, organizing, chasing and following up - then I have friends. If I stop, they are gone.
Love this. I literally have no friends right now. And no family. It has been this way for a little over one year. 61 years old. Hard life. Go to work and school. Thank you for this. Grateful beyond words
I looked at my recent phone calls. Past 5 months. Most common: grandma. Then dad. Then mom. .... That's it. I called my grandma to say hi on a Friday night and she was busy at a social event
When my phone looks like a jitterbug contact list I knew I hit rock bottom
I m 61 yo too. I have no friends right now. I ve been in and out from jobs, schools, cities. Many aquaintancies yes, but no bonds. Many friends of mine have died (how dare!). But I must admit this girl is right 100%. Life happens. People come and go and it s better dont blame ourselves, get over the pain and take steps toward a new situation. An example? I find many interesting people and resonating souls on youtube, and that makes me feel less alone by now. But I live in Italy, in a place where knowing and speaking a different language is so rare that I have to keep it to myself not to sound bragging or posh or worse. So? Let s help each other as we can. I m grateful to this Carolyne girl and to many others I read in this thred. Let s read each other and text each other unknown people. 😊🙄🤗
Love this! A really helpful tip I use for socializing when I don't feel like it is the "one hour rule". I show up to the event/party/whatever for an hour and if at the end of that hour I'm still not having fun or still feel like crap, I go home. 9 times out of 10 I end up staying wayyy longer than an hour and having a great time!
yessss - i actually had a big in the video (maybe i cut it?) about my 20min rule (haha bit shorter). which applies to PARTIES specifically. i dread parties bc i can be so awkward. but the height of the awkwardness is really the first 20min you show up. so i have to stay for at least 20 min, insist on continuing to live for 20min of awkwardness, and then it usually fades
@@Caroline_Winkler to stop the awkwardness, stop eating greens, GoLowOxalateCarnivore. 😁 Not kidding...
I do this too! And yes, I almost always end up staying longer.
There you go.
Good tip. My personal one also is get involved in a conversation. I usually go in and hover around, and get busy with food, drinks, greetings, but eventually you need to 'settle in' to the party. Best thing to do is get involved in a current conversation, and you could find yourself chatting away for an hour. If you really can't get into one due to the topic, just ask someone else who is quiet a few ice breaker questions, like ask them about a recent new job or holiday of theirs, and suddenly they'll be pouring out their stories and through that you'll find commonalities and the bonding will start. Add in a couple of drinks and then it'll be easy and fun and you'll enjoy it.
Some of my own "weirdo places" that match my interests and get me to socialize: improv/acting classes at the community theatre, museum tours, open mic nights, writer communes (especially around October - November when NANOWRIMO is going on) and LIBRARIES. Libraries are a hub of activity and a great community resource. Don't sleep on libraries! Also understand: society as we know it, especially in a late stage capitalistic one, is structure in a way that denies us "third places". Third places are a concept of community gathering outside of the first two places we all get corralled into, work/school and home. Cultivate those 3rd places. Seek them out and build them.
YES! did a lottt of improv in NYC. met some of my best friends
YESS!! I miss NYC terribly (lived there for a decade), because of all the third spaces. We were all living our lives outside our homes. Contrast this to the small Wisconsin town I'm in now. there are hardly any coffee shops, and most close at 2pm. No public spaces (does Target count?)
This is daebak!!! Thank you ❤!
As I a librarian I completely agree with the suggestion of meeting new people at the library. There are so many people that come to my Libray looking for connection in some way. Start by chatting with the librarian if you just need to talk to another human for a few minutes. Also most libraries have programs for all different ages so check out your local libraries for them and sign up or show up! And bonus-most programs are free!
Intresting what you are saying about libraries. I read a while ago that in some places (forgot where exactly) the town was considering to turn libraries into social dinner clubs. I thought that this was a fantastic idea, especially since the new kids don’t even care to go there anymore. So, why not revive them into places that will serve community inexpensively?! There are so many people who would love to share ideas, knowledge, love for novels and poetry. People can’t let their souls die in loneliness and old age entropy.
I grew up with a million friends, I was involved in everything and on every team. I traveled around on tour and played music everywhere etc but then I went through some hard stuff...loss, grief, addiction and when I had to do the work to change my life the friends disappeared. It broke my heart that I was happier and healthier than ever and that friends were no where to be found. Ive been sober for over six years and I've been really lonely. I'm happily married and my husband and I are best friends but it is not a replacement for friendship with other women. I just want to have a few meaningful relationships with people that will share their time. I don't really have anything in common with my old friends. Caroline, this was a very generous and cool thing to share. As per usual, your authenticity is refreshing! ❤
I’m sober . I’ll be your friend. Sobriety sisters
Great Video!
“Not everyone is in the market for a new friend.” This is very helpful to remember when looking for new friends. It helps you to remove the “rejection” issue. It’s not PERSONAL.
This was the most helpful for me too! I was trying to connect with someone my age who already has friends she’s been close with since high school (a school I didn’t go to) and at first I would feel bad when she would get together with them and not me, but I don’t think it’s because she doesn’t like me - it’s just hard to recreate that close friendship with a new person
As an Autistic woman, I appreciate you mentioning "friendships take time + patience". I get burnout extremely easy and that makes it difficult to maintain communication on a "regular" basis. It's usually NEVER about the other person, and I'm grateful to have friends who understand that we can just pick up where we left off.
Thanks for commenting. I'm also on the spectrum and so the "but I'm weird so what will they think" echos very loudly in my ears. Not to mention the exhaustion of going through it all!
Hi Caroline....so great you're talking so openly about this. I don't think I can say I've suffered from this but I probably have sometime in my life. It probably is an overwhelming feeling being lonely. Having a positive attitude and having somewhere you have a regular meeting (work, church, class etc) would be the best and safest place to meet and make a friend. Awesome topic....xo
I need to listen better & manage stress better. I wish for new female friends.
This!
I agree. I find that the most common denominator amongst potential frienships that faded out in my life was simply the fact that those people needed a different frequency of connection than I could provide. I realized that nobody is at fault for needing certain forms of attachments, nor for only having a limited amount of capacity. For a long time, I believed I had to forcefully change my behaviour against my needs; that's the route that will create a vicious circle of burn-out.
As someone who had to start adulthood without the support of my birth family, and severed from all of my childhood friends (left religion) ... your honest, human, big-sister takes are so refreshing, thank you for all you do, Caroline
May you have an awesome life blazing your own trail. All the best to you, take care of your heart and boundaries.
I'm in a similar situation! I'd love to hear how you're managing it
As a extreme introvert who works from home, making friends as an adult is very daunting. What has worked best for me is to meet up with an small group of people that are into something you are into (i.e. hiking, board games, sports, knitting, whatever) and do that something together. Having a third thing to focus on, rather than solely focusing on the social interaction was the key for me and made the whole thing less daunting. And if you don't mesh with anyone in that group, no biggie, at least you got out and did a thing you enjoyed!
Side note, I also met my husband this way. ☺
What do you do?
A shared environment is good for friendship only if you are compatible. The worst times of my life has been living with other people because they’re just so rude. It’s much worse than living alone. I definitely want to live completely alone or with someone I chose myself, like a pet, and then by my own choice visit environments where there are people. But my home needs to be free of bullies!!! Being alone is NOT problem compared to being bullied.
If your needs are that specific then you will never be happy.
@@karlabritfeld7104 She makes perfectly valid points. You sound like another of these bullying, judgemental people she tries to avoid.
I totally feel you!
I'm a 42 year old introvert living in Ukraine. I just caught myself thinking that in the past year and 9 months I've gotten so comfortable living away from my old friend group that I really don't feel like making new friends. With the war ALL my closest friends left for Western Europe with their families, which was heart-breaking for me. Our family moved from the capital to the countyside to stay safe. My husband of 14 years is even greater introvert than me. We have two children (13 and almost 10) that I homeschool. My husband works from home. I've gotten so comfortable being alone in the friend department (although I'm physically around my family all the time) that it scares me. I need to go make me some friends and the only way I can push myself to do that is treat it as a JOB. Thank you, Caroline, for your invaluable advice! Big hug to you!
did you move to the carpat? always wondered how much i would need for a place in yeremche or something
Hiii from Bucarest, Romania! I have same age as you . Also , i host a young Ukrainian guy from Odesa. Regards to you and your family ❤ We stand by you!
I think so many people try to convince themselves they do not need a new friend. So you go another day and another day until it’s been years. It is not healthy.
I know Caroline's core audience is women, but ALL this advice and reality applies to us dudes too! I only just emotionally realised a lot of this stuff only recently and well, ALOT of adult men are lonely unfortunately and quietly suffer. Bah, I needed this video months ago but that isn't on Caroline in anyway. Came for the video on interior design tips for men a year ago, stayed for the life advice and realities and reassurance other people like Caroline are going / have gone through the same stuff - with the bangin' indie soundtrack songs Caroline always has in transitions!
oh my gosh im so glad to hear you feel that way! i definitely consider this advice non-gender specific. it's just for people, and i hope it helps
and thank you for such a kind comment
I’d give Caroline’s channel information to any guy, any day. It’s totally for everybody. If her channel had been around 45yrs ago, I would have loved to learn from it then as a kid and made different and better choices in my life.
Yeah, I can say that this is great advice for dudes. I'm older than her usual audience, and male, but I can confirm that she's right about these strategies and making them work. That whole notion about "being in the market for a friend" is SOOOOO key. My wife gets really torn up when we meet someone we'd like to be friends with but they don't engage past an initial meeting. She comes up with all sorts of reasons why they don't feel compelled to "be friends" even though we know people are busy. The fact is while some folks are cats that aren't easygoing about making friends, many people just aren't looking for friends, especially if they haven't moved in a long time (or ever).
Women are more inclined to form friendships. My husband does not initiate getting together with any of his friends. The only reason he has a social life is because of me
I think what you said about being the host if you want a group dynamic is key. My 86 year old mother has been that person for her friendship group for a very, very long time. She has a friendship group of about 20 women who began hiking together in their 30s!!! And, guess what? When she had a stroke many years ago, all of those women showed up for her, and I attribute that to her amazing recovery. Now she continues to live independently and host huge parties with the surviving women! At 56, I have followed her lead, and am always the one who does the hosting. Sometimes it's frustrating, but ultimately, so rewarding.
So true about approaching this as a job. I retired and moved the same year. It was very difficult for me to build friendships while working, but I was determined to flip the script in retirement. I had pretty (non)business cards made with my personal contact information and just started showing up for things. I joined a casual yoga group in a park and started kayaking from a local beach. I have met so many likeminded women. It is so true that some communities are harder to bust into, so don’t put all of the blame on your own shoulders. Ten years ago I almost gave up on making new friends. The key is showing up with a smile and an appetite for new experiences even when you’d really, really rather stay home. I’m still learning to not be so sensitive. Life is too short for that, so beat it back! And keep in touch with old friends even if it’s just once a year!
YES! Volunteer volunteer volunteer! Also: volunteer. Animal shelter! Food bank! Hand out programs at the community theater (bonus: see a show for free). Park cleanup! Annual bird counts! Meals on Wheels! Habitat for Humanity! When you show up, you'll have a task to accomplish with a group, and you'll meet quality humans who want to make the world a better place.
If I did that at an animal shelter, I would have 40,000 animals.😂😂😂
A couple who moved to a remote mining town decided to invite everyone at church to a meal to meet and make friends. Their approach blew everyone away and it changed how I look at making friends. I’ve decided this year that I’m going to reset my mind after narcissistic marriage so I can be influenced by my own thoughts, grow confidence in myself and then give the best of me to a new friend or two. Limiting but it’s what I need right now in this part of the process.
this is an amazing goal and im sure it's taken a lot of pain to get to that point for yourself. but you deserve it and it's such a good feeling just to start doing something new and different. big hug
Things I love about Hosting as an introvert:
- you decide who is there
- you decide how long the social gathering is
- you decide the location of comfort
- you decide the food (great if you are a picky eater or are a foodie)
- you decide the activities
Hosting as a introvert is a great way to control a social situation and tailor to your comfort. As an introvert you are probably also good at observing other people which means you can figure out how to make it comfortable for them.
Omg! This is empowering! 👏
Additionally, you can retreat to the kitchen or so for some task and take a breather!
Really? An true introvert would never host. Never. We need an out. If we’re responsible for the event, there is no out, have to see it through.
Yes and all the pressure of decisions and if the others are not happy and entertained it’s your fault, so you can’t relax one second and just stay 10 minutes in the toilet just because to close the door and enjoy silence and no impressions. Makes so much sense that I hated organize birthday partys or have friends to visit me. It’s pure stress, no enjoyment at all.
@@kirk8359you speak with such a certainty. Not sure if it is even worth it to start a discussion with you
I am 67 and retired. I do feel lonely sometimes, and this post helped! One thing I struggle with is that I am an empath, and I always attract birds with broken wings, people who are needy and clingy. I have several friends like that, but those friendships are draining. I have a hard time finding people who will let ME need THEM. I hope that doesnt sound selfish; I do understand that we are here to help each other. But sometimes I ache for a friend who can and will support me.
I completely understand as I am an empathic healer. I have done massive inner work for many years, and have a very powerful aura. The broken wings who are so trashed (did alcoholism, did drugs, went to prison, etc.) are the ones who seem to come out of the woodwork and they are desperate, and they drain me, AND sooner or later they call me names and accuse me of stuff I never did (projection). I just want someone who would let me just BE ME. How about I don’t have to heal, or counsel or help 24/7, and how about I can just be let to let my hair down, so to speak. How about I just get to be a human being with my own strengths and faults? Maybe I need some empathic friends who get this.
Yes, friendships should be equal. An equal back and forth and give and take. Keep searching.
I have given up, I find I cannot find friends with the same heart, caring and compassion level and I feel taken for granted and end up disappointed in 90 percent of my relationships. Having a giving heart is a hard thing to maneuver or ration.
I feel the same. I just had my heart broken last night yet again by my friends bailing from plans they came up with in the first place. And then they say they don't like to be pressured to do those things. I spent NYE alone and sick, and now this. I need new friends, really.
Grow a pair. Why are you expecting other people to do all the work?
@@malgkurmove on
@@karlabritfeld7104 if you are replying to my comment - I used to initiate meetings and trips and we went but then they started declining because of family, being tired from work, all sorts of things. So I stopped pushing. Lately they offered to spend NYE together, I was happy to. 3 days before both of them said they are not coming after all. The same story with the trip we were supposed to take for their 40th birthday which is one month apart. They offered me to come with them and when I started asking about the details I am "pushing" and "being pressured makes them not want to go".
I don't think this is an entirely ME problem.
Sorry to hear guys, I've felt really similar. I do strongly believe there are friends for you out there and it's just tough and for some of us this process just hurts too much, so it can seem really bleak. Please keep trying, I really think you can do it and this video gives very good advice. For me therapy also helped, as friendship can be intertwined with other complicated feelings.
Dear Caroline, I feel it's high time to tell you how much I appreciate the fact that I found you and your channel (but mostly important, you) in this overloaded world ❤ You are incredibly wise. Incredibly smart. Incredibly incredible. Sending you lots of love ❤😊
would hug ya for this, big time
I also don't believe it...
I have realized that, as an adult, the only friends I've made independent of my husband were work friends.
I made friends at work at my job years ago. I thought we were going to be long life friends because we got deep with each other at times. But when I moved states they didn’t care to keep in touch. I don’t know makes me feel like I’m not enough to keep up a connection with 😕
@@miriamroxanadon't take it personally. It's really hard to keep in contact with people who are states away.
It’s not your fault… sometimes the friendship could be like that, temporal, and probably those persons remember you with love but the life goes on different directions and it’s ok. ❤❤❤ you are enough and precious ❤❤❤ @miriamroxana
totally. that naturally becomes the new shared environment for most people! really really tough if you dont relate well with your coworkers, or if you work remotely or freelance
@@miriamroxanaSome people will stay in touch, some won't. I grew up in the military and we moved allot! I had friends that I kept in touch with for years but after High School it seemed to fade. We were all over the U.S. and some overseas. Some people think it's hard but now it's really not. The friendship changes & becomes different but those who want to keep in touch.
One shouldn’t drive and shoot videos simultaneously. That’s the best lesson we can learn from this video.
I’m 58, male, live in Australia. I’ve gotten to the stage of having virtually no one in my life. Thankfully I amuse myself and like my own company! I’m an introvert who puts on a hat in company. I play guitar, paint, bike ride, cook, all sorts of things. I’ve joined meet up groups, handed out my contacts, genuinely offered to help people including strangers but still…. No one calls. I’m no George Clooney but I’m in good shape. People are always smiling at me and saying what a nice guy I am. I’m a decent guy who people generally “love” but not hang around with?? I found this channel by accident but like it, we’ll done.
It sounds like you make a consistent effort to improve peoples' day and I hope that gets recognized soon :)
I'm 24, have depression and anxiety, and became physically disabled at 22. My friends stopped inviting me to things after I couldn't make it a few times (due to chronic pain). I've been really heartbroken because they're kinda the only friends I have/had. Thank you for this video, those parts about treating it like a job, and not clinging to limiting narratives about yourself really resonated, and I needed that virtual hug lol. I'm starting out by going to the library more, might try to find a book club too. Wishing everyone out there good luck on their friendship journey
Those are not good friends then
You should reach out to those with depression or disabilities similar to yours. I’ve found very few people understand depression and anxiety
I hear you
❤️🍀🍀🍀🤗🍀🍀🍀❤️❗
Don’t be afraid to drop friends that is no longer serving you, the good people is on the way to you when you move on❤
Ahh I fear I'm heading down a similar path. I closed up after one of my friends was going through so much yet wasn't seeking appropriate help, and when I re-grounded myself a little, I came back to find that I had been completely disconnected with my friends. Even my apology for retreating in my shell was met with silence. Ignored.
Yet I also realize, as time has passed, that they were never quite a match for me. They hardly invite me to anything, so I'm constantly having to insert myself in, and I find myself masking or being silent during the entire hang out.
I think I'm miserable, but I do love their companionship. I'm doing my best to be a good friend, but it will definitely take a lot of time, And learning, and maybe meeting new people.
So true about friend breakup; it hits different. Especially when it happens at one of your lowest points, & then you realize that a friend of many years has been taking advantage of you financially, degrading you to mutual friends, & emotionally gaslighting... This betrayal cuts deep.
Oh i can so relate 😢
I Never struggled to make friends and was always pretty extroverted. I got my heart broken a lot of times and am now a little tired and scared of reaching out. I need to accept that the beauty of friendship lays in its temporarity. If I get scared to love because I am scared of losing it I should remind myself that I will maybe loose the friend but not the love. Because the love I feel is mine and it’s forever.
Caroline, thank you for speaking up so candidly about this heart wrecking topic. I myself moved 6 years ago to small town in Austria and this is just hard. Doesn’t really get better, people are so busy within their existing networks, that they don’t have time and energy for strangers.
The state of the world, and def here in the US seems to be making people much less interested in making new friends. I think people are less trusting as far as letting new people into their lives, which, I suppose is somewhat understandable. I recently moved far from family and friends alone too. I am trying to hang in there, I hope things get better for you!
Yes, shared environment is important. I think it’s important to be consistent showing up to some social gathering (be it a Bible study, work out class, hobby class). I don’t make friends easily so the chances I make a friend by just attending one social gathering is highly unlikely.
absolutely. even being able to reference the same kooky group leader, or a common reading or reference point is huge. that can be everything needed to get a rapport going beyond "what are u watching on tv rn?"
Show up if you’ve committed even if you’re nervous! I’m pushing myself to do this more
Caroline, this is so great! I teach social dance classes several times a week, which honestly began somewhat selfishly as a way to keep dance at the forefront of my life, but holy cow, I had no idea how much it would mean to others as well to have a place to come, often alone, and almost immediately make new friends and feel part of a community. I feel blessed to help others connect.
If i were to suddenly find myself in a new place and situation, I'd absolutely seek out free dance classes or other group activities, because you are correct, soooo so many of these people are at the root, motivated by the hope for connection. It's really beautiful to see it all go down!
wow i love this one. dance classes!! i used to go swing dancing with my friend, definitely so much fun! im glad it has been so surprisingly rewarding
@@Caroline_Winkler I used to dance a lot, never understood why so many at the parties wanted to chat all the time! 😅
I wanted to DANCE!
I am working on talking myself into going to a folk dance class they have locally here every other week. It's walk-in. The first hour is teaching newbies easy step dances. I am tempted to go because I figure I won't need a ton of coordination or a dance partner.
Dancing and singing are amazing vents for our souls. I’ve heard that Greeks sing, dance and crush plates based on an old belief to show the Hades that they are still alive! And I think that all our festivities from birth to death (in Catholic tradition - Carmine - where after a funeral everyone gets drunk 😬) are based on that idea. It’s about being alive! The problem today is technology and overly organized events, where people don’t dare to sing or dance if they feel they are not good at it, where you are supposed to sit and watch professionals do it, where parties are all about food and a bit of chit chat. But, in fact people need to participate and have that proverbial “fun!”
I’ve never had friends.. I’ve always been a loner and introvert and enjoyed animals more than people. I’m now 53 and I spend a majority of my time alone and I like it that way
Saying something honest to my friend was a dangerous move, but it made him stop being my friend and I finally heard him say everything he's been saying behind my back to my face.
Something that breaks my heart is that I've met my people. People I would like to live in a commune with and grow old together. But our lives have taken us so far away from one another. My closest friends and I live on three different continents and four different countries. I don't even want new friends, I just want to go back to the time where we were together. Sigh. I guess I do need to meet some new people.
something you didn’t mention is money. as an older retired single woman and single parent in my younger years i just don’t have the income to go to restaurants, shop, do events. it seems like every person i’ve met has unlimited money and socializing becomes impossible and embarrassing.
I truly believe that most people on social media started not for the fame and brand contracts, but to reach out on a very human level to build a like minded community. This is social media at its very best. There is a flip side of finding a like minded crowd, but in the main it’s pretty wholesome. Back in 2014 I had a blog (more like a diary/ therapy than to be commercial) We had a bit of a network and used to meet up, my son even dated one of the daughters of one of my blogger friends. Those seem such gentle lovely times compared to the intensity of the social media landscape now!
I am 64. Just last week my best friend of 55 years said he wasn't going to be my friend any longer. We were like brothers, both of us are only children. He has refused to give a reason and has suddenly become very hateful. I am devastated. As I have aged I have lost friends and now I am all alone. I'm an INFJ so I can survive as a hermit....but I still would like a friend. My son is 24 but I can't have that relationship with him. It's a quandary.😮
Friends breakups (real friends, people with who you've spent soooo much time) are one of the most painful things in life. Damn. Had one. Suffered like a dog in pain. Took me one year and a half to heal that.
i’m going through a friend breakup with 2 of my only friends right now and this helped thank you caroline 💗
it is devastating. im sorry, friend. learn what you need to from it, and dont abuse yourself. it's ok to move forward with constructive reflection. there will be more connection out there for you
@ashdhaz5709 Going through the same exact situation and literally start sobbing watching this video lol. Giving you the biggest hug!!
Sending you both Ash and Maria a big hug. Take care of your hearts.
'How To Make Friends As An Adult' is excellent post-pandemic recovery advice for everyone. Also it's just nice to watch someone doing their chores and errands on a rainy day - it's a fun hang! Thank you for this.
I'm in my fourties and, according to my few childhood friends left, a very sociable person.
A main problem with new "candidates" is distance, or, to be more precise: CONVENIENCE.
Most of my newer "friends" since adulthood, be it singles, in a relationship or other parents only befriend me for their own or their children's benefit, for a very limited amount of time. And then they "ghost" you. I (have to) live in the outskirts of a very big town since 2007, for at least ten more years and I'm done with putting in more effort and time than they do. I don't take it personal anymore. It is what it is in our modern "connected" world. 99% of people = shit. They value their CONVENIENCE i.e. befriending only people living very close to them, not "wasting" a minute by physically moving their asses out of their comfort zones, higher than being friends with people who care MUCH more about them and as you've said: put in the work.
Great advice. The rain is adding a chill unintentional asmr. I dig. I’m mid 40 & moved out of state. I genuinely like my own company but on occasion I do crave socialization. Since I’m artistic I like to take a class on what I find interesting. Don’t be afraid to say hello even if it’s through the internet.🙋🏻♀️
Most people are emotionally draining.
I'm my best friend!
Hello! :)
@@cheiadareia hello to you too :)
Hello from Australia! I’m starting over in my 50s, like my own company and am very artistic too. It’s also fun to design your own classes to teach and do a deep dive into what you like and write a book on it. It’s great to inspire others too. Enjoy your new home and this chapter in your life!
@@fionaschiffl8065 Hello & greetings from New England Fiona & thank you! It’s always nice to meet like minded creative people. Starting over is quite an adventure and I wish you a wonderful time in doing so. :)
I feel like Caroline is just sooo good at throwing gentle shade. Tactful with saying 'you suck at this for this reason' but in the most loving and genuinely helpful way.
hahah i had not thought of it that way but i accept
@Caroline_Winkler This video in particular isn't the best example, but it occurred to me while I was watching the only self help content I regularly consume is from you. I love your videos and Im hoping one day when I get my own place I'll be able to use more of your tips! 🩷
Just replying to this comment cos I agree with it so much 🙌
Caroline is like the big sister we wish we all had, IMO. I’ve grown to love her videos for their combination of expert no-BS advice and brilliantly dry humour, all gift-wrapped by superb production and editing.
Truly unique! 🔥
Well stated 😊
It takes effort to make and keep friends. I am 66 years old and i have always been the instigator of gatherings of large and small groups, dinners at my house, meeting friends for coffee or drinks or going shopping. You must make the effort because otherwise relationships will wither away. Don't worry about reciprocating. If s friend invites you to a party or out for a drink -- GO! You'll be glad you did. During covid people got used to staying at home and saying no. We are past that now, get on with life and see your friends!
I never tried, just be myself and be respectful. If the right friends come, wonderful! If not, it’s ok as well.
caroline, i'm not sure if you remember this, but we met briefly in a serendipitous manner in front of my apartment a few months ago! (apparently a friend of yours is my neighbor!) i remember thinking you were so easy and so comfortable to talk to, that i had to literally stop myself from holding you up, because i felt like i could just shoot the shit with you for hours! 💗 it's almost hard to believe you've ever struggled with making friends, as you were just as genuine and bright in person as you are here on youtube.
thank you so much for this video. it's not only super helpful to so many, but also sheds light on vulnerabilities that many people have in common but may not want to admit! i adore your channel and the way your personality shines through your videos. 💗hope we bump into each other again one day!
Aww how lovely is that!? That's a truly beautiful compliment 💜
Aw of course I remember exactly where! One of my closest friends, Ashely, lives there :) it was such a sweet run in and you were so kind you absolutely made my day. It’s funny meeting people in person, I’m always afraid I’ll be a disappointment. So this comment really made me happy, big hug to you❤
I honestly can't stop making friends as an adult. I have to say part of it is luck - I do have anxiety but it doesn't manifest as social anxiety (instead I have insomnia)
So I do think it's luck that i get along with other adults so well. Or like Caroline said you learn it, but somehow i learned it growing up and it transfered over to adulthood.
But don't forget art - I do lots of art even tho I also work full time and have kids (pottery class, going to public art gallery openings [not the snobby ones], attending live music, doing community art programs, zine workshops, poetry readings).
I agree with Caroline that sometimes you have to push yourself to attend, 99% of the time that I push myself I love it when i get there and if I don't I just leave! And do the weird stuff! that's where the genuine people are, because they are okay with being weird, they are comfortable with genuinely loving X Y and Z thing. I'm part of a group who sit down and listen to a river every month! We talk about everything from the cultural history of the river to the water bugs (we're making a film about it which is going in a local arts festival)
I live in a small city (450,000 ppl), and I think how big your city is does matter a bit, but even tho people in my country criticise my city as typically 'boring' (we house the government) i meet amazing people every month just by getting out and being ethusiastic about what other people are into
You probably have mad charisma. I've seen people meet me and then meet someone immediately after who has charisma and it's like night and day.
That is great, but 450, 000 ppl isn't a small city... Try 50k college town 😄
In 7th grade, my friend Carol said "When you don't feel like going to something, just go anyway. You'll always be happy you went afterwards." I'm 52 now, and her advice has pretty much never failed me. 😊
@@y0utuberculosisI don't know if it's charisma. I grew up undiagnosed neuro spicy and was SO awkward and shy until I watched this guy (who everyone loved) say almost exactly the same thing to everyone who walked into a pub (English we are all in pubs from year dot), it was basically a long the lines of 'so great to see you, what have you been up to?' (or so great to meet you / are you up today). It's informal and it lets people talk about themselves. If they didn't ask him anything he didn't care, he'd just keep asking general questions. I am late 40s now and 'so what have you been up to?' is still one of my go to's. I realized in that moment that my awkwardness was kind of me making it all about me, and actually no one was paying attention on that level except me. I still get extremely anxious but it usually happens after interactions now (the whole should I have said x or y), but I've kind of realized that no one's perfect and if it's important then that person will ask for clarification.
Thank you Caroline. That virtual hug has me on the verge of tears. Im so lonely, but im working through it, and this video has been both helpful and healing. Thank you.
The bit about can't be best friend "right now" is definitely important. I'm a single mum which is so lonely, I met this other mum and liked her a lot but we didn't really end up friends etc. Then my dad got cancer and she happened to be a cancer nurse and had also lost her parents to cancer. It's a sad reason to end up being close friends, but she's now godmother to both my kids and one of my best friends. Sometimes it's not making best friends but knowing people and then life takes it's course.
I swear you're like my paratherapist. I learn all of these valuable and timely things from your videos and talk to my therapist about it and she LOVES you. Thank you, and I wish everyone watching this video a new and valuable connection in 2024.
Right back at you!
And as I get older I feel the need less and less to need people. Solitude is also beautiful.
Isn’t that strange, I feel the same at times. I also feel lonely occasionally but I personally have found ever since COVID my energy to get out there has dwindled. And I see the same in my usual local friends as well.
Also don’t you think we become more selective / choosy about our friendships as we get older? So end up with fewer friends.
This video is so comforting and cozy, you're like a wise big sister, the errands, the rain, I love it all! Thank you for this refreshing format of a video!
Maybe we expect a level of intimacy n friendships that is similar to friends from childhood. Something to think about is that as we mature we deepen, so perhaps our early friendships lacked depth, but because we did also lacked maturity. Our expectations are higher for friendship than they ought to be.
This video was golden. I watched it at 5pm and decided to go to an event I had an invite to at 6:30 which I might have blown off if I hadn't watched. I engaged with various people for three and a half hours and felt better when I left having connected with more people than I otherwise would have made an effort talking to. Thanks Caroline.
I really enjoyed your video today. Spoke a lot of truth about friends and had real actionable advice. As a man in my early 40’s with a wife and 2 kids; I find it hard to even keep up with my old high school and college friend group even with texting. Hard to make plans with everyone, we only generally see each other once or twice a year these days even though we all live in the same city. I still have all sorts of love for these people, I don’t begrudge them I know we all have families and lives to lead. Part of you doesn’t want to be burden on their busy lives. But I didn’t think it would turn out like this.
When I was a kid it was very normal for my parents to spend Friday or Saturday night having card parties or cookouts and get togethers at their friends house and all us kids would just run amok in the back yard or something. I find myself wondering is this still a thing with people these days?
I didn’t know you would be lonely since you have a wife and 2 kids 🧒. But if I think outside the proverbial box 📦 I can possibly see your point. But at first it is hard since I was in a failed arranged marriage and women are creeped out by me.
I have a husband and 2 kids, and i totally get it. Have you tried to invite some parents of kids over with their kids for dinner? We started doing that and its nice cause the kids can play and the adults can chat and a glass of wine. We actually made a few friends. It doesn't feel the same as my old close friends (that live far and have busy lives) but its nice to not have the same boring weekend.
The cookout, games, and kids running amuck sounds amazing! ❤🍖
I've suffered a friend break and it's the worst ongoing pain I've experienced. I don't know why this friend of 25 years ghosted me and that's harder than anything - the narrative I tell myself as to why I wasn't good enough HAUNTS me. I kept trying to contact them until I had a dream about an ex-boyfriend one day, who told me he just didn't want to talk to me. This was a lightbulb moment and I have decided to respect my friend's boundary and leave any further contact up to them. But wow, it hurts. I really appreciate how you speak about these situations, it helps heal my heart xx
It’s been over 4 years since my biggest friendship breakup. I still cannot look at pictures of them without crying. I’m married with kids and just now starting to attempt to open up to the idea of true connections again. Love this video. I’ll need to watch it like a billion more times to get there fully.😂 but I really appreciate you and your view points, you’re my friend in my head.
I feel your pain. 😊
Hi Hilary, Im so sorry...I feel your pain too. I had a friend that I was SOOO CLOSE with and that betrayed me in the worst ways a friend could when I was going through the hardest time of my life! Ive moved on in every single aspect of my life but the part of me that was easygoing about friendships is broken. I haven't had a close friend like this ever since. The hurt runs deep. I pray for healing for you and that you will find a more meaningful trust and the love of a true friend!
Making friends as an adult can actually be easier than as a youth, especially in bigger cities. Happy to share thoughts and techniques. I think the reason why people struggle with it is the barrier to needing to evolve with friends making beyond the traditional mindset of “friend making”.
This is the first inspiring video I have watched in the daylight rather than in the middle of the night when I can't really do anything about it. ❤ Yay
My narrative "I'm shy"... I'm not shy, I'm cautious and familiar people made me feel shy about that.
Ive literally seen people advertise themselves on Facebook town community groups (the local groups where you ask about missing cats and moan about pot holes down town) as needing friends, they usually get a lot of comments from other people asking for a coffee or walk meetup. Its lovely to see that can work.
Very thoughtful video, as always! I do believe that people have trouble making friends, but I have never had that problem and I have never been lonely and I’m 64 and single all my life. A couple things come to mind from experience: be willing to have friends with people of different interests/religion/politics, etc., befriend people of ALL ages, and don’t cling desperately to people (oh, you just mentioned but this!). Be willing to meet or talk for 30 minutes to an hour, don’t take up all someone’s time. It drives me crazy when someone wants to be on the phone for two hours, and they don’t pick up on cues that I want/need to do other things. So, those are the people I rarely reach out to, even when I really do like them.
As a 38 year old male, I will say that I don’t think I have ever had one single friend who would drop everything to help me if I was in real trouble. Well, maybe one guy when I was in the Army, but now I’m in Florida and he’s up in Pittsburg. But I think that’s it. If a true friend is someone who will do that, then I’ve had maybe one in my entire life, and like I said, we are far separate now.
Here's the problem not many people mention - we are getting through the epidemic of dopamine shortage. And it's not like there's a mysterious factor causing it. We have simply become dopamine junkies, and we need more to feel the rush. We need to be constantly entertained.
The above described addiction is clearly visible when it comes to human relationships. The majority of us hang out with individuals provoking dopamine spikes in our brains.
When was the last time you were able to be comfortable with silence and boredom while spending time with your friends? Do you even know people capable of doing it with you?
Yeah, exactly.
It will be years, if not decades, before we get back to normal.
I have no friends that I can share my most enjoyable and vulnerable moments other than my husband, my brother and my work bestie. And I’m totally content with that. As a person in mid 30s, I’m happy to have lost in touch with my friends who were never there for me during the most difficult times of my life. I have other friends in life that I spend time with occasionally but I don’t consider them close enough. That’s perfectly okay with me. Also, therapy helped me create healthy boundaries and stop people pleasing & oversharing. Helped me cope and accept who i am truly.
Less than a minute in and already, not only is this beautifully shot and warmly engaging and welcoming as always; but also, it’s reducing stigma which in itself will help so many people feel less alone. I share your videos with so many people you have no clue just how your words and authenticity have helped people all around the world for the better. You are a treasure we all want to protect at all costs.
Thank you for being you.
More than being enough, you’re being an inspiring little earth angel with cute decor choices and sage advice.
Wishing you generosity of heart from everyone you meet 💕🌟🌈
I don’t know how old you are, but you clearly have a grasp about these modern challenges, whilst still maintaining health & vitality. Ditching the past and not dragging it behind you also helps. Stay well.
Thank you for this video. I have listened to other podcasts/videos about friendship but this video def hit different. Being disconnected from people and friendship is so hard and alienating. I feel weird. I am introverted. I also feel that when I do make friends, I CLING so hard to them and will do anything to make them stay even if they're naturally fizzling out. It's hard to let go and not take stuff personally. I know that many people feel alone like me but the experience itself is lonely. I also feel like I'm not looking for temporary friends, I'm looking for my support system, my community. I don't have supportive family or high school friends. I dislike the experience of having people flit in and out of my life. And seeing other people make friends so easily. I guess it all is a process and the only thing you can do is to keep trying, be weird, and take care of yourself.
I have to say, a big part of it is what we value in the American culture. I've been exposed to Indian culture and Indians themselves and they greatly value friendships. They make the time, they make the effort, they truly care. No disposable friends. They look out for each other. ❤
The rain in the background didn't distract, more like great ASMR!
Thank you for this video. I'm 29 and moved back to my hometown after breaking off an engagement/11-year relationship. I've been here for nine months and "no new friends to show for it." But what you said about treating it like a job (aka something that takes effort) and that there are different types and levels of friendship -- both really stuck with me.
On the bright side, I'm proud of myself for finding and participating in community in seemingly small but meaningful ways: becoming a regular at a few coffee shops and bars (and getting to know the servers names), consistently showing up to several dance classes (and striking up conversations with people), and saying yes to invitations (especially) when I want to say no.
It sucks to do things alone but I'm learning to be okay with it and am pushing myself to change that current reality.
To anyone reading this who may also be feeling lonely, you are not alone.
I met someone through a miscarriage support group who I really connected with. We met for the odd coffee/ walk but she mainly wanted to connect via text. We’d have long involved conversations about quite meaningful things (kids, IVF, toxic relationships, difficult family stuff etc) and I valued how smart and thoughtful she was. We were there for each other for some big moments in our lives (after I lost my Mum and when she lost another pregnancy) but she never wanted to speak on the phone, and most of our relationship was via text. I would have really valued that personal contact, and there were a few occasions when I really needed to chat that we spoke, but I always felt that it was an intrusion. After she moved an hour away and meeting in person became less practical, I felt I had to let the friendship go which was sad, but I had to accept we were on different pages about what we both needed.
There you go. You did nothing.
For something like this, I would say think of her like Angel that came to your aid in a critical time in your life and she came and went and that is that and just be very grateful and move on. If you cross paths again somehow maybe you can try again or thank her for how she helped you at that specific juncture in your life.
I have someone like this recently that helped me get through my dog dying. She was passionate about dogs and had compassion on me and I am so grateful that she entered my life when I needed her. I can contact her again.. maybe I will to ask how she is doing.. but if I don’t, I just think of her as an Angel that was sent to me during that really hard time in my life. Hugs.
Long after college, after a very long relationship ended, I realized I needed to focus on making friends. I went looking in the self-help section of the book stores and found ZERO books on this. There are LOTS of books and advice on dating, finding a spouse, etc. But nothing on making friends. So I REALLY appreciate this video. I hope to find more on this topic. It has always been more important, but even more important in this age of technology-encouraged social isolation.
New neighbours moved in next door over a year ago and we had chatted with them briefly a few times but it never went any further even though we seemed to get on really well. We just assumed that they privately weren't keen to hang out 😅 Finally I summoned up the courage to invite them over for mulled wine and mince pies, and I was surprised to find that they were really enthusiastic! Hopefully all will go well 🤞
Well done! I wished my neighbors had done this.
Hell yea
@@Lisa-jm3nk yeah! I just figured, they aren't doing anything about it, but neither are WE because we felt like it might be overstepping boundaries or something. So if we're thinking that way, it's highly likely they are too.
The timing of this video is so crazy. After a very depressing birthday celebrating alone and vowing to have someone to at least CALL next year, last month serendipity reconnected me with an old coworker and we made plans to hang out. We've met up a couple times since, and while I have fun, I've been very aware of the fact that we are both intentionally trying to make a friend. We're both quiet types of people and no longer work together so occasionally we'll come to an awkward pause where we're unsure of what to talk about, and I worry we're forcing it. What if we're both so desperate for friendship that we're uncomfortably trying to create something that isn't there? And logically I know closeness happens over time. And logically I know if she didn't want to hang out, she could easily choose not to. She's quite a bit younger than me so that's also factoring into my insecurities... what if I'm dull? What if she thinks I'm just a pathetic 30yo with no friends (literally true) and she's taking pity on me?
All of that in mind, we've been trying to keep plans going. It does feel like a job sometimes. Not bad, just a bit tiring. Trying to build a connection takes brain power and an emotional toll, but is very rewarding when we end a hang out and I feel closer to her. Building friendships as an adult is tough and truly is a choice. You're choosing to get to know someone despite the awkward silences or scheduling headaches. It has been sweet trying to build a relationship with someone again when I haven't in a long, long time. Trying not to get too invested in something that very well may not be the friendship of my life, while also being open to letting it become just that without my brain jumping in to sabotage. Just going with the flow right now and hoping for the best. It all sounds very silly when I write it out, haha.
It doesn't sound silly at all. I hate awkward silences. I also *love* comfortable silences. They're an acid test for a good relationship in my opinion. Nobody feels the pressure to fill the silence.
Until you get to the comfortable silences, maybe you could change the kind of meet ups you have to reduce the pressure of finding something to say. Go to an event maybe or something with some kind of distraction, so you're not just sat across from one another, panicking. It'll prompt talking points & also relax you both, hopefully? 💜
Yes!! I have all those thoughts!! Am I forcing it and we’re really not a good match? Are the friendship feelings still mutual? Have I not been sharing enough vulnerable things, have I been too vulnerable? And so on!
This is an excellent video and I appreciate these insights. I find myself stepping back from friendships with other women these days for one reason: I cannot stand the use of human beings for social climbing. The few friends I have (most of them are men) stay in my life because we have common interests and values. We get together for events and activities that we enjoy. There is no ulterior motive beyond that. I will never understand the proclivity to befriend someone because they can advance you socially, score you a tickets or an invitation to a big event, or help you get in on the latest gossip. Even the church I belonged to for a long time had a terrible social hierarchy that excluded and included on the basis mostly of who had money and a vacation house on the lake. It took me a long time to understand that a few true friends is far better than a bunch of users.
Social climbing is very important in careers advancement or even getting any employment. It's a harsh reality that I might have to pretend to like ppl and 'use' ppl to network and put myself where the opportunities are
@@nattie911 I see your point, but I wasn’t referring to career advancement, but rather to interpersonal relationships and friend groups. I wish you all the best.
the rain makes it even better 😂
The rain 🌧️ is soothing
"Who are these complaint going to?" is so important in breaking out of inadvertent victim roles. My friend has a similar kind of phrase which is "you're too old for this nonsense". Not in a shaming, self-blaming way, just in a way that snaps her out of moping and worrying and reminds her that she is in charge of her life now as an adult.
'making friends as an adult ' is one of those things we all recognise is difficult, but also think back, when has it ever really been simple? I moved from friend group to friend group as a teen until I found my 'people'. As an adult in some ways you have a superpower not available to you as a kid: you can deal with being embarrassed. So ask the colleague to go for a walk or coffee or dinner and accept you might get turned down. But also even if she can't do this weekend, she might say 'but how about next week?'
Some of my closest friends I've made as an adult involved one or both of us wearing our hearts on our sleeves.
Sometimes it's nice to remember the corny Instagram quote of 'you still haven't met all the people who will love you'
I'm realizing (per the limiting beliefs about yourself part) that whenever I wish someone else would involve me in something, that's something I have to do. More people want to join a book club than start one, so take the initiative and start one. The worst thing that will happen is people don't show. I also don't want to ask or invite people to hang out, but I wish others would do that for me, so I need to make it happen sometimes.
This is a great video. When I think about forcing myself to go out, I think of the song from Cabaret: 🎵 What good is sitting alone in your room? Come hear the music play. Life is a cabaret, Old chum. Come to the cabaret!” 🎶
I’m too complicated people are too complicated I try but people just let you down so it’s easy to move on, that’s why I love my dog and I’m happy with her company.
So comforting, love this! Love that you talked about the hurt when one person is just busier/giving you the brush off repeatedly. Like I'm at a point where I want to really invest in friendships but not everyone is. I have a 20 year old friendship that I can see is just breaking up because she is literally never free and it's breaking my heart/making me feel super abandoned. It's hard to know what standards/boundaries to have for yourself when it comes to friendships.
I am someone who believes you can never have too many friends and I’m always up to meet someone new! ❤ I had a bad friendship breakup a few years ago and it absolutely sucked. When dating I always understood more or less why we broke up. With a friend…it’s so confusing and painful.
confusing and painful. very well said. it can really make you question everything in a spiralling way. i am glad to hear you made it through and are so open to new people, that's an amazing thing
Can we be friends?
I retired last summer after 28 years with a company. I thought they cared about me but after I retired I never heard from them again. I learned a lot. Now I have one friend and a sister and a dog. That's it. I'm in my 50's and I hear from others that this is the way it is. I've reached out to people but they don't seem interesting in making a connection. So, I'm alone and that's the way it is. I accept it now.
RUclips helps people realise that they’re not alone in their problems, and that it’s Possible to improve r things! Wonderful video, Caroline.
Not gonna lie, I always love your videos and advice but I just thought this would be some more cheesy pep talk that most people give. But literally just laying in the dark moping about no one being available for my birthday this year (always too close to Christmas) and feeling disconnected with my friends, this lit a fire under my ass and reminded me: if I want to make new connections I have to actually seek them out! And just because this is temporarily uncomfortable this year, it’s still only temporary. *switches bumble to bff without shame*
All that to say, thank you ❤
Thank you for the friend breakup piece. Acting like I'm not bothered but think about it all the time and feel like I'm worthless to be cast off by someone I considered a close friend.
Thabks for being so compassionate about the friend break up scenario. You are a balm to the soul.
I really appreciate you making this video. This is something that I’m going through right now and it feels like it will be this way forever. I just randomly came across this video and I’m glad that I did, thank you!
I can attest to the “do the weird thing” scenario working. I got WAY out of my comfort zone years ago and went to a public board game library of sorts. Introduced myself to a couple of strangers who also looked like they didn’t have a group, and one of them has since become one of my best friends. We were out of touch for a bit because I lived far away, but I recently moved nearby to where he lives and my social group has blossomed because of it. DO THE WEIRD THING!
(Disclaimer: not all my attempts at doing the weird thing worked out. I went to a few meetups and things too in those early stages and didn’t find any lasting friendships. So don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t work out right away. Give yourself time to find your tribe!)
Can we be friends? Who knows it might work out good 😅
I just randomly landed on this video tonight, and it's so fitting. Tomorrow I am going alone to a dance party in my city to hear a band that I like. I have a fair sized network of friends, but none who will understand this. I have never done anything like this before. For me, it's the WEIRD THING. At 54, I was worried I might be the oldest person there. However, when I commented about that on the ticketing site, a couple of different women reached out to me. Turns out I won't be alone after all. Maybe I can make some new friends who share my interest?
My closest friendship fell apart, it was heartbreaking. It's been two years, and just now, I'm starting to get over the pain.
Take care of you. Healing takes time. May new good friends come your way soon.
This was really eye opening for me. I have only a few friends who have been in my life a very long time, and we are able to pick up where we left off without maintenance. I never get involved and rather I tend to be spontaneous, work already forces me in a routine, I like my job which is in an office full of people which you would think is a good opportunity...but Im in a situation where I'm full time in office and my team is remote/hybrid so it feels like highschool where everyone has their group and I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I've been trying to not let myself get down but I cant help it some days. It also entirely doesn't matter to me, but all my coworkers are much older than me, so I feel they may see a disconnect in relatability. In the new year, I think it's time to turn to art and find a community I belong in ✊🏼
Your podcast with Jess about surviving the holidays is TOTALLY relatable to me and I want to send a huge thanks for being real and honest on this platform, I feel I'm going to be able to cope and accept the fam-bam and in-laws situation this Christmas. I feel mentally armed and ready thanks to you guys ❤❤❤❤❤❤
Right now is probably the loneliest I've ever felt in my life. I've no contact with my family after years of abuse both mental and physical, the last things that were said to me by them was some of the worst things you can say to a person when I finally stood up for myself and put down boundaries (which they didn't keep thereby: no contact). My closest friends live over 3 or more hours away. I just graduated so I don't have my uni mates anymore. I joined a sports team but they all seem to dislike me (or might just be my social anxiety but I know one of them dislikes me because she said so to my face). I'm just lost, unemployed because my government screwed me over the minute I graduated so there's no jobs in my sector, I have no family and no friends, the friend I had here made a move when I was too drunk so now I've lost all my trust in him, and I will spend my birthday (6th) alone
I’m so sorry. I hope things get better for you soon.
That sucks! I wish I could give you a hug! Maybe quit the sports team and find a different sports league that is more welcoming? You got this!
@@evercuriousmichelle thank you
Take care of you. I found a quote recently that says, “The family member who decides to heal is seen as the enemy as they will have broken the pattern of family behaviour.” My (adult) kids and even my non-abusive mother sided with my mainly emotionally abusive ex so I’m no contact with them. Because my mother knows my old friends I don’t talk to them either as I don’t want to be talked about. Nobody likes the fact I’ve started standing up for myself and am making my own decisions. They think they know better. All I’m doing is taking the time to heal and be kind to myself. I’m starting over in my 50s and glad you’ve been strong enough to do this in your ?20s. After so many one sided relationships the only take away has been at least I’m setting boundaries now and not wasting my time investing in them. I hope you find work, friends and the confidence to build an awesome life. Hang in there. Whenever your birthday is, know that I’m sending you a virtual hug.
@@fionaschiffl8065 thank you, I don't know if it's strength or pure stubbornness and low impulse control while angry. I'm turning 25 but I cut contact in 2019 after I broke my ankle. It sounds weird but it probably is the best thing that has happened to me, it made it so clear who had my back and not so it was easy to see who wanted to be in my life and who was there because of circumstance/convenience
And I hope you get a chance to heal and figure your life out too! I know plenty of women of all ages that have left their partners and lived much better lives