Men’s Frustration at Women’s Dating Choices
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- Опубликовано: 14 фев 2024
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One of my most profound "aha" moments came to me while watching a movie called the Perks of Being a Wallflower. In the film, a student asks his teacher, “why do good people hook up with bad people.”
He answers, "we accept the love we think we deserve". I realized in that moment that yes, people do horrible things and sometimes, they actually are horrible human beings. But I CHOSE and stayed with them. Why???
If we are brutally honest with ourselves, we can uncover the truth behind the decisions we make. But it takes courage to self reflect and make changes…to admit out loud that I DESERVE BETTER.
So love, trust and cherish yourself. When you do, you don’t crave or need it from someone else. That’s when you are ready to meet your person.
I’m still looking, not for the perfect man - just the man that’s right for me. Round 2…no settling because I have me.
I 💯 agree! There are so many people who get frustrated, and even angry, when someone brings up how they should truly learn to love and respect themselves above all else.
It's not just a platitude, it's actually true! The ball is always in our own court.
For those who want a relationship, make an honest list as to why you want to be in one and with each answer, drill down and keep asking why.
People are fickle. Relationships are at their best when both partners are focused on learning and growth individually and together.
Over-romaticized. They want excitement when they're young and security when they're older. If you're not their first choice, you're their last and you should leave them to the choices they make.
Love that movie, too. Similar epiphany. Take care 🧡💡
Traumabond, or/and you are used to bad treatment, even by your parents.
Loved the episode ❤ so truthful, sincere and sensitive. Good angle of how to think.
Agree with comments that there's also a lot of trauma bonding in being attractive (not really consciously choosing) to wrong partners, and it requires a lot of healing and mindfulness to choose a better path
Holy cow, ive always liked and dated exclusively men who are kind, good partners and teammates, secure, and low ego. Never even went through the Bad Boy phase. We don't all do it
I've never had a bad boy phase either 😂 neither have my close friends. We all have been attracted to kind, intelligent, humorous guys.
And then you don't complain on Tic Tok, so Manosphere doesn't do videos about you, and you're utterly underrepresented. :D
You probably had good parents and good relationship role models.
And did you stay in relationships for a long time? Apparently the dating pool is full of people who are perpetually single, for understandable reasons, so those people are who most people are meeting.
@@thecurrentmoment Yes, my dad was a great guy. But I have my own baggage, we all do. I am actually single again later in life, and yes, the dating pool in the 40s has more people "left" who still haven't learned to express their emotions healthily, be suppportive of another person, and be a good partner. But I do meet many great guys also - and yet it's still hard to find the right fit for my lifestyle and energy level. That's because finding the right fit can be hard, no matter who you are. Just because something is hard doesn't mean we should label a whole gender writ large anything, right? :-)
I feel like what you said is important, because attraction is complex and people are complex. Most girls and women still value kindness and being amicable regardless of their stage in life.
But another way to look at it is that the guys a lot of women were choosing in their earlier years were the guys with the most sex appeal, and when they change their focus to 'nicer' guys the implication is that she is accepting less sexually desirable guy. A lot of guys want to be seen as sexually desirable. So to only be accepted once women learn that the guys that are most desirable to them aren't what they want anymore can send the message that "I'm acceptable but not desirable"
However, I think what happens is early on people focus on sex appeal almost exclusively, so they choose the MOST sexually appealing people without regard to much else. As they get more mature they look at other things and see people more holistically and even though a guy might be second or third best in terms of sex appeal, he appeals in a lot of other areas too. So he has a better overall "score" even though he isn't at the top of the sex appeal charts.
I think something similar happens with men as they mature, we get tired of all the BS that comes with women who think their looks is their most important attribute.
It's no different for women. We watch the men go for the blondes with the big boobs over and over again.
@@carolwelcome3348 I object, your honor! Red haired with big boobs are really nice! 😀
Sexual attraction also has to do with someone's personality...unless it doesn't for you.
We men have extensive experience in sloppy seconds
@@Fixtheproblemwithgoodpolicy why wouldn't it for me?
please put out more content for men, great stuff!
He is coaching woman, so he won"t be.
I think this is content that all people need to hear!
I've been watching Matthew's content for years, and I am male. His content is quite adaptable to both genders, and when it isn't, understanding the advice for woman gives me greater understanding of woman.@@xdxdxdxd4575
This is definitely one of the most improtant videos ever made honestly. It's important for guys like him to talk about these fears and misconceptions that many of us have and fall into, without judgment but with compassion and understanding.
We are all socialised to be competitive, to compare outselves to others, to feel inadequate when we don't achieve things. I think for guys that tends to be especially true, and it greatly impacts dating and everyone's experience of it.
It can be tempting to believe that women are just difficult to date unless you're a certain way and to feel like you're second rate when you are eventually "chosen", so to speak. But as he says, it's not a female thing to date that way, and not all women date like that in the first place and it's not right to think that they do.
But still, it can feel like the kindness and whatever else you have to offer just isn't desired by or attractive to anyone until they've had their fun and it's time to settle down. It can feel like you're being denied something that everyone else seems to effortlessly get, and that you're unlovable. We make up all these untrue narratives about our worth, our place in the world, other people, etc., and it's a very isolating and lonely experience. And even if do find success, it's not always enough to feel truly safe, or to undo the pain we felt before. Couple that with bad experiences made, and I think that's where that temptation to be a bit resentful comes from, at least for me.
Almost no one is above making generalisations and feeling resentment sometimes when we feel hurt, but it's important to not let our fleeting emotions cloud our views of others based on their gender or any other attributes they have that aren't their character. Everyone is truly different but at the same time we're the same. We're all just human beings and our physical differences are superficial and meaningless.
It's vital to always believe in the good in people and to always try to lead by example, to bring kindness and positivity into the world and be what you want and expect the people you really want in your life to be like. It only takes one person out there to choose you and to be chosen by you, and realistically there's so many more than just the one out there. It's OK to feel hurt, but it's a disservice to yourself and the people you could love when you lose yourself in negativity and resentment.
You've grown up so much. It's been such a pleasure to grow up with you 💛
Love it - it’s amazing what insights time and experience can offer. I’ve been repeating patterns for years. I thought I understood why. BUT the learning doesn’t come as naturally as I thought. I needed to go deeper than I ever realized and now at 65, while I’ve had a lifetime of amazing experiences I’m learning more!! Social media has actually been very helpful with this. Various short reels that hit spots and shake loose a deep memory or connection that helps me deepen my understanding. And now, I am preparing to find the love that I’ve truly desired to walk this final chapter with. Thank you for the work you do Matthew - so happy that you found your lady! ❤
I love how you said that…some of the things that I dislike in you are some of the things I dislike in myself. I’m learning more and more how much all relationships are mirrors to help us take accountability in our own lives and see the areas we need to work on. 🙏🏼
Wow. I have been watching your videos since years and read your First Book. I always Liked the content, but it has been so beautiful to watch you grow and evolve - same as I did hopefully 😅- and I love how Deep and Rich your new content is. Basicly all I want from a guy now is someone I Can vibe and grow with on an eye to eye Level ❤.
I follow you for 10 years Matt and I am so happy to see your content growing up along with you but never missing a hot topic today. Your depth of introspection is crazily good, but I still need to correct one line you claimed in this video: "The closer I get to women the more I'm like..." No, Matt, it is: "The closer I get to MYSELF...". Sometimes it looks like we learn from other people, but many times they are just catalysts of our own inner processes, which I think are very strong with you and along storytelling, your most powerful skill.
I needed this Matt. Please expand on this more in the future
I thoroughly agree with your perspective and am in a new relationship which is totally different to all my previous.
I’m a man, 31, and have to admit I’m guilty of thinking negatively of what you just described at times.
When I think of my type, it’s the type of girl I couldn’t get in high school but wanted so badly. So well over a decade later when some girls who were THAT girl growing up show genuine interest in me, I can’t help but feel like they see me as settling.
Thank you for this!! I have been listening to a lot of stuff regarding men being men and how different they are to women. I haven't ever seen a huge difference all my life! And I find I like masculine men, but they also have to be emotionally intelligent, at least a bit, which means tapping into their emotions and not be afraid to do that with a partner.
Thank you Matthew! I really needed that video
Hey Matthew, I'm a 25 years man and this episode was really inspiring. Im looking forward to more!
One of your best episodes, as a man who watches and listens to your stuff having the odd video towards us and how we feel and also just showing healthy male energy which is so hard to find, I find so helpful so thank you! Also where can I get that hoodie I love it!! Ah!
I love how vulnerable, honest and insightful Matthew is.
So i worked in a prison medical unit. Every year a woman staffer threw her career away by getting with the inmates. These bad boy losers were like a magnet. I dispair.
Just getting along and trying to heal with help of this guy. Alot to learn from him.
I had an option between two guys online. One is the nice, kind guy, the gentleman. The other is handsome, exiting, sexy, but a gaslighter, doesn't take responsibility.
Yeah, that's not working for me. The kind, nice guy won in my eyes. He is such a gentleman and is excited to meet up with me.
Lets chat after 6 weeks ! I bet you dont have sex with this "nice guy"
I hope things go great for you! 🎉
Good for you! I hope there is a love connection.
those last 2 minutes where so relatable, thanks so much man
I broadly agree with the video although to play devils advocate a bit. I guess a gut feeling many men would have is yes she matured and puts more importance on the classic traits of stability and partnership than passion and short term thrills. So the risk is there might be a lack of the passion and attraction that our youger selves usally go for and you see this in your stereotypical long term relationship thats lacks sex and passion.
So i would suggest to make sure you have that spark and passion and your not just a comfort blanket of stability
Mathew , you are a gift . Thank you
Will admit that this thought helps, a lot. I won't be able to keep it for long because of the way my brain works, but if I COULD keep it, it could be a game changer to how I look at my life with women. Definitely a message to explore further.
I was on the class about dating and lost connection. So sad. I’ll try again. Live who you are and classes
As someone who has more female than male friends I often hear this "I choose character over looks" and stuff like that and then I see them still running after those guys who are so obvious about to disappoint or even hurt them. Sometimes when we guys and women all sit together and talk about relationships we guys find ourselves almost losing every hope because we see them heading straight into a painful experience. And the worst is they kinda know it, we don't even have to tell them or so. Even if there is another one who's clearly a better choice, what they also seem to be aware of very often, they make the wrong choice. "He looks great, the sex is amazing, he can afford me this and that, ... " and I'm like "didn't you just say you choose character over all this stuff?" somehow there's a lot of "yes but...". So theoretically when they are not attracted to someone, yes, they really prefer character and more desirable values. But as soon as there is someone, those preferences seem to go out the window. But to be honest, who dares to blames them? I did that too. I say I want to have kids one day, I want a woman that gives me a feeling of trust and blah blah blah. And it's not even a year ago that I had a great time with a woman who clearly said to me 1. she doesn't want kids and 2. she doesn't know what she wants from me either. Just because she looked amazing, the sex was awesome and she made me feel desired. And then I cried my stupid eyes out. Some years ago I had a situation with a girl who didn't want to fully commit and another girl enjoying the time with me appreciating my different style and character and the dumbass I am I said no to the second one to get rejected afterwards from first one... One of the most stupid decisions I ever made. So no. It's clearly not only a women-thing.
I guess we just have to learn to understand our wants and needs better, how they affect us, how we behave and why we make stupid decisions.
And most of all learn to control ourselves when biology kicks in.
Maybe that's worth a video?
Edit: But for whatever reason I rarely meet and attract those who would seem to be, don't know better to say, "the right" choice.
But what someone wears and looks and how they represent themselves is a choice so the decent guys could maybe care about their looks instead of looking like a 50 years old dad in their 20s
Shallow or deep attraction is attraction and usually not a conscious choice that's why people who settle for someone who is decent but they're not attracted to (again its not just genetics), their relationships will turnout how you're describing
All you’re saying is you’re an immature guy. Its the ok we men mature later. It’s the skanks that have a clock on them. They should be more mature but are acting just like men. The result for many of them is loneliness and cats. We men have a much longer shelf life
Women age like milk like wine. Time is on your side. You can learn from your mistakes
I just realized I want to find a guy like you Matthew - kind, compassionate, insightful, emotionally intelligent, humble and self aware. Thank you for setting a standard 🙏
Great video, men need it .. truly exhausted seeing men misjudging women
Perhaps because "growing out of stuff" has to be proven and once you have 15 years of track record of a certain type of behaviour, you then are going to have to prove for at least a few years you actually, and then you're infertile and not particularly physically attractive. At the same time you want a man with an unbroken track record of being a consistent, at least somewhat mature hard worker since graduating high school or at best college (preferably without previous mental health issues because even if that's over you weren't building your status and wealth) because that's what it takes to achieve what women are screening for.
And let's not forget that each experience leaves an imprint on us. Some call them "scars". Having accumulated certain types of scars permanently lowers your value so you cannot possibly expect to have as valuable a partner as someone else no matter what you do, and I think people are aware of it even if they can't verbalise it, and then rebel against it gaslighting themselves into thinking they deserve more than what they built their lives for.
At what age do you think women are not fertile anymore?
@@Duckonthepond Starts declining rapidly after 30yo. Around 35yo 90% is gone and like every 3 out of 4 new egg produced is often rotten too. Past 40yo is just pure luck if a child actually comes to terms and is fully healthy. There are so many steps along the way where it can go wrong.
Plenty of women even have trouble getting pregnant before 30yo. It really is a mental breakdown for them when they finally managed to get successfully impregnated (trough IVF or not), but then later on after x weeks its stillborn.
Isn't there some publication from the institute of family studies that shows that the more intimate partners a woman has had in her life, the higher the rate of divorce for said woman becomes? Or put in different words: If you, as a man, choose a woman that has had many partners, its way more likely for your marriage to end in divorce.
Correlation is not causation. Religious women have fewer partners out of guilt, they also don’t believe in divorce. So if you want to minimize your chances of divorce, marry a highly religious woman (bet you won’t)
It is the same with male partners too. The more intimate partners someone has (regardless of gender) the more likely your relationship will fail.
@@jessicam3707 mhm i get where you coming from, i do, makes total sense. But isn't saying "religious women have less partners out of guilt" implying they are not voluntarily living their faith? I myself am not religious, neither is my partner. But i know many who are, and they are all consenting adults.
@@jameselizabeth1335 sure definitely, i was not trying to say this was only on women, i just know the exact study i was telling about was about women exclusively :)
@@jameselizabeth1335it’s actually NOT the same for men. The man’s sexual partners has no affect on their divorce rate.
Matthew I just watched your video with Chris (don’t remember his last name) and I just wanted to come here to say that what you said is true about women looking for relationships are prioritizing their values over sex. It’s extremely rare that I comment here on RUclips, but I thought it was important to let you know that your work is indeed making a difference. Also, weirdly enough I watch a lot of your videos and find them very useful however I had not subscribed to your channel because RUclips just shows me your videos anyways, that’s until I watched that interview with Chris. I didn’t see the whole thing but from what I did watch, I appreciate that you are speaking for a lot of women in these circles of man who say they want to know how women think but won’t actually hear them out. It’s sad that a lot of the times, it requires a man to tell them stuff about women - and yet I don’t know if Chris was really listening to what you were saying. Anyways, that’s a long rant and it’s all to say, thank you.
Yes I agree. Chris Williamson is so sexist, it’s not surprising he is still single despite being good looking. There is something about him that’s really off. Men like Matthew is men we actually want to date, not Chris… I wonder if he will ever understand that. Honestly, I feel like Chris might end up divorced and angry towards all women one day and Matthew will be married with kids.
Maturity plays a bigger role in a woman's life, when going through stages in life, we value different things and in different stages and now we are evolved and looking for higher qualities, the compassion, which opens up your mind for clarity in a relationship ❣
This was good. I really like how you have the perspective of ‘being chosen first’ as it pertains to someone who’s now more mature and appreciates the worthwhile. Whether man or woman. Thanks for your vulnerability as well ❤
"Making it work" with the wrong person because you were initially attracted to them, who doesn't have your values is a huge self-psyop. ♥️♥️♥️
Hi Matthew, the moment at 11.06, to look for people who give you a different experience and learn to accept ourselves more!
I like that you are doing these for both genders!
I’m happy on my own at 58 and trust I will find my person who is right for me! And I’m right for them.
So happy for You both!
I was usually into men in spite of certain red flag traits, not because of them, and then after the first time I had a really bad relationship, I recognize those traits for how pathetic they are. It’s not even a conscious choice I have to make to not be attracted to a guy who acts like that, it’s just a fundamental difference in what catches my interest. Things that I used to just not notice in a guy and date him anyway are now such an ick, and if a guy isn’t obviously concerned for others, polite, and compassionate I’m immediately turned off. Also, note that a lot of us were always interested in nice guys, but the nice guys didn’t love bomb us so we didn’t even get a chance to date them because we didn’t think they were interested. Good guys take a while to warm up to you because they don’t want to hurt you by getting your hopes up, so when we’re young, many of us take that as a lack of interest. Bad boys get around and have no shame, and many young women don’t recognize shamelessness for what it is
Speaking out of your rear with that interested in "nice guys" (average looking men) crap
Love looks beautiful on you! So happy for you. ❤
❤ thank you. It is a good perspective for us.
I need this right now. My female friend who came over the holidays to visit. I have had a crush for 6 years but didn't pursue it for various reasons. She had a tumultuous childhood, and her two brothers passed away last year and year before(one from overdose). I put in my best efforts to support her. To listen, to cheer her up.
Ultimately when she was here, she said, I deserve better and to invite her to my wedding one day. And she is still in love with her ex who I've seen before and who is a big pot smoker and now doing heroin.
Again I know her past but also... why?!
Maybe because she would have to elevate herself and be more stable to be with you, and that's too difficult. So she is more comfortable chasing after a chaotic person like herself, as it's familiar. It means she doesn't have to sort out her issues.
Yeah, I ultimately want her to be happy even if it's not with me. Pursue her career and have some stability in her life. But it's tough to let her go too
she’s doing you a massive favor here dude
I don't regret my past mistakes with dating bc that's how I learned what I really wanted & what I wasn't willing to accept in a partner. But I admit it can be overwhelming, and listening to you for a couple yrs b4 meeting my SO was very helpful in sorting my thoughts. With your guidance I was able to cut through the BS immediately & move on to the next candidate. It actually takes less time to find the right person when you make those brutal cuts at the first hint of "this ain't what I was looking for".
Beautiful episode ❤ a fan from Brazil here
That's an awesome perspective!👍🏻
Nail on the head! I'm a man, I listen to your content regularly. It's singular out there because you're coaching from a perspective on secure attachment, on how to do relationships AS a securely attached person. What you say translates to men too.
What I'd really love to hear about, from you ideally, but a similar peer would also work, is this: how does the sexual side of a securely attached person express if you want to be arousing and stimulating to a partner (ie, "not boring")? In particular, as a man, how do you show up sexually once the relational dynamic has been co-created as safe? How to do this without sex becoming routine?
I love this video so much it’s so accurate and wise
It is hard to take you seriously when you are a successful, attractive man whose expertise is literally in women’s dating. I’m sure you have had some bad experiences, but your situation is drastically different from probably 99% of men, if not more. Not to mention that many men probably know that you are financially incentivized to share messages like these. So why should most men take you seriously?
While I don’t disagree that people mature, I’d also say that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. A “wise” man (or woman) will analyze past behavior to explain current behavior and predict future behavior. While people do change, it is difficult to confirm to the conscious or subconscious mind that another person has truly changed, driving a rational suspicion that is difficult to overcome except with a large amount of time and trustworthy behavior; a difficult proposition for someone wanting a relationship. Then, like you are saying, if there is reason to suspect that the change was forced due to circumstance rather than choice, it is hard to convince oneself that the maturity is real, rather then the person is simply settling by necessity.
What is biologically attractive also tends to not change, and I think people know that at a subconscious and/or conscious level. I’m not saying it is the most important thing for a relationship, but it is comforting to feel like you are an attractive mate, and comparing yourself to your mate’s history can hurt if you don’t feel you measure up. We always tell each other that we shouldn’t compare, but part of that is because it is in our nature to do so. Even if we want to change that, it isn’t just going to poof away because we acknowledged it.
Realize that pretty much the only reason his YT channel is so succesful is because of his looks. It pulls all these women in. Had he been an average looking man he'd never have so many subs no matter how "good" his talking points are.
People with selflove or willing to heal care for themselves. They represent theirselves the best way they can, because they see the worth of it. That ist what makes them attractive. I date men who look out for themselves and I don't care if they are "handsome" in a traditional way. 99% of the men aren't models, but good selfesteem is what makes them attractive and what makes them desirable. Paired with humour and a good character wins the jackpot.
Definitely speaking to me. Yesterday I had a date with someone I would never consider and it was awesome.
Those guys are by that time tired of games. We don't want to be second best, when we can put effort into relationship and growing together. We want to build a castle together, not have a woman join us when the castle is already built. In the end, we all just want to feel seen, heard, understoond.
It seems like you want unconditional love. You have your parents for that. All humans love under conditions, the condition that men provide. Men love women on the condition that she is beautiful, young and sexual. That's why 30 year old women struggle to find husbands, just like broke men struggle to find wives.
@@EC-yl7xk That is not true at all. The reason why people struggle to find a stable, healthy, mature relationship is mostly due to attachment trauma and wounds, which we first encounter in childhood. That's why I think that learning about attachment theory and attachment styles is important. Insecure attachments are on the rise.
As for parents, no they don't offer unconditional love. My father was an alcoholic, my mother a narcissist. What kind of emotional support do you think a person gets in such environment? It did however explain why I attracted more toxicity and narcissism in my life. It was familiar. It was my opposite. After taking my own responsibility, going to therapy, doing the inner child work, I am past that. The problem is, I am much more self-aware, aware of others and can recognize unhealthy patterns. There are a lot of them.
Thank you, a great video
6:25 a woman's evolution of desire in men suddenly changes when all the bad boys stop paying attention to them and all the diligent working men their same age start becoming successful. Those diligent men are all wondering, why did no one care about me while I was building success through the hard times by myself? The enormous group of women who are so great, they only show up when you have status and money.
Spot on!
Amen. This what I wanted to say. They "mature" when their body is no longer as competitive as it used to be when they were younger. Easy to test - watch what they do when they lose some weight and start looking attractive again, keyword "cougar".
And to make matters worse, they expect the guys whose been working hard building himself to be monogamous to them only... for life. Make it make sense?
All people are like this. Men do not wait 20 years for a woman to show her potential. So no need to be bitter.
Don't wait for someone for 20 years. Find a partner who is interested, don't go after those who are not. Not every woman is after status and money.
It's tough on the dating market. Be yourself, do the best you can and even if you don't find someone, you can at least say that you gave what you had.
I have come to this realization @ 46. I recently started over(1 1/2 years now) again with my 17 year old Sweetheart from highschool. We didn't talk at all for the last 25 years. Now we know what we need. Who would have guessed? Lol
Is that even legal?? I know in some countries people are considered minors until they are 18...
@@thecurrentmoment Is what legal? We are both 46. Please read again.
@@daniellewegrecki8342 ohhhh...you said "my 17 year old sweetheart" meaning "my sweetheart of 17 years" not "my sweetheart who is 17 years old"
Now I understand. It wasn't clear, I thought they were 17rs old. I was worried!
I've had my fair share of not so great interactions with guys when I was younger, but most of them didn't lead to anything serious. I've only had one relationship with a guy that lasted 3 1/2 months during my senior year of high school... I know how easy it is to fling yourself onto someone because of the way the guy carries himself.... charisma, charm, this laid back, care-free outlook on life or whatever else sets him apart from other guys. I know that the journey that I've been on is unique to me, and truthfully, self-forgiveness/self-compassion plays a HUGE role regardless of sex/gender. We all do stupid, mindless things when we're younger. We all embarrass ourselves sometimes. It's okay to make mistakes, but it shouldn't be anybody else's responsibility to change or fix a person's issues in their life.
Personal experiences aside, it seems like society continues to perpetuate too many stereotypes and fantasies about how love "should" be. I don't understand how both men and women can continue to lie to themselves, thinking that settling for less is the only norm for them. I'd like to believe that there's somebody out there for everybody... maturity is the opposite of ignorance. The choices we make will reflect the kinds of people we attract.
In my younger days, I was attracted to the bad boys partly because the brooding, etc made me think there was something complicated, a puzzle I wanted to figure out.. if I could figure it out, I could be the “special one” that would never be abandoned. But after getting to know these bad boys, I saw that there was actually nothing behind it all. Just more bad behavior and they simply wanted to see what they could get away with. Now I know, the quiet, good character men are the true gems and the real prize.
I just went through this. .. An on and off friend/boyfriend of 18 years. When he finally asked me to be his girlfriend I felt as though I was his “last resort”. He’s in his early 50’s and I’m in my mid 40’s.
I sabotaged the f outta that relationship. 😢
Was that logical? Pride before the fall. The way you described b him he seems to be a poo poo head. However you made a long term commitment to each other. Be logical, swallow your pride try to patch up with your goals clearly laid out so he knows what his hard boundaries are
@@fh1452
He has been ignoring me the past 2 months. … Can’t patch things up all by myself 🤷🏻♀️
As someone struggling to feel like I’m good enough for my partner, I love this reframe. More content for men please. Thank you
I'm a millennial and I don't know any girls my age that don't go after the bad boy type. They jump from one bad boy to other, suffering the same outcome every time and they still refuse to change. I'm quite certain I'll never get a girlfriend at this rate because I'm a stable guy who wants a family.
Here's another way to think about this. You can only "look" for those people if you can see them, and you can only see them if youve heqled your own attachment wounds and understand your own romantic patterns, motivations and core wounds. The work comes first, its an emotional navigation system
Well said!
1000000% SPOT ON!
I Feel Ever So Blessed! I had the courage to identify the repete and said nOpe NOT this time! I ended that with the faith, knowing I deserve better, & I will get better!
Just 2 1/2 Months later there He was 🥰🥰 2 years later, and We're Both just as HaPPy now as then, just more in LoVe & Both looking forward to FoReVeR 💕 When it's right it just is, in every way!
I believe it's exactly this as one matures we truly see the things that are important to us and make us feel safe and happy without all the trimmings of the ideas we had in youth
I usually wanted a man who was somewhat good looking. I met a man who was the epitome of Homer Simpson, if you painted him yellow, you would have it! Definitely not the type of man I would have gotten involved with. The more I got to know him, the more I started to fall in love with him, adore him. Very long story short, he was a narcissist and made my life hell after the first year. I really think I am done, for good.
@@jaumartinez9006 😄
Completely understand what you are saying. The last guy wouldn't hold my hand, cuddle me or kiss. The lack of intimacy did a number on me for a while. I've completely quit now. My life is peaceful and happy. I don't feel I'm missing out.
@@debbiemoore2747 I hear ya. I had stopped dating after my last relationship that lasted 11 years and my life had been very peaceful since 2011. Then Homer came along 2 years ago, I opened myself up, and he ran roughshod all over me. I believe I am totally done. I finally feel peaceful again.
@remarkable937 honestly I'm dog tired of people in general, I've spent over 10 years healing and working on myself and I find people to be insecure and broken looking mostly for others to fill some void. There is so much that is tolerated by both sexes in the name of "love" because people cannot be alone, went to see Brian Cox the other night give a lecture. It was baffling to me seeing people drinking heavily and buying Popcorn and chatting like they would if they were watching a show of home. Humans perplex me on the whole.
Sorry I kinda went off key there. Sending you a big hug on your journey 🫂
@@remarkable937 I'm curious, if you already had a bad experience with Homer, what made you go back a second time?
Wow! I've had this happen and just highlights how important it is to find a man with high self-esteem. You can't compete with that voice in his head!
You have great understanding and it’s good to hear from a male
Favorite video!
Some much wisdom in this video, you nailed it. Women stop going for shallow bad boys and choose men who can be vulnerable, someone we can let go and be ourselves with. You are not a second choice, you are the first choice. Many bad boys are still hitting on women in their 50's and some die alone.
I’ve definitely realised what no longer serves me, the problem is that I’ve been single now for many years due to it. I need to somehow break down the walls
I suggest that you approach men cautiously, nothing rash and emphasize your femininity. We men melt with that posture. Be logical and lay down in your mind what is really important for you. Throw the rest of your whims awayy
Insightful
Thanks Matt. I wish you would make content for men more often
Thanks Matthew for this content. I hope you do more of this type of content for guys. I'm recovering from red pill and its unhealthy ideas. And yours and Dr K from HealthyGamerGG content has been super helpful. I'm still waiting on that first love and relationship at 23. Hopefully with your help, I do mange to find a good girl with similar life experience and values.
I love the video. It does touch on a lot of pain-points men have. I would love to see more content like this.
Some truth spoken here!
In other words, we all run out of options eventually.
Nah, you either choose me or you loose me. I aint no backup plan, what do i look like, Forrest Gump?
Yay ! Matthew,💌 please make vids like this that good men can watch and work on themselves too 🌸If it is just us gals , it won't be enough to find love . 'Stephan Speaks' channel recently started a channel for men after creating one for women . Hopefully this catches on! There are lost men who could really use wise advice like we are using 🙏💙
to tell the men who were passed over that they are the real winners because they get the 35 yr old version of the girl that rejected them at 21 is such a cope and none of these guys believe that.
"Yeah you are the real winner because after she got her brains fucked out by that other guy, when he dumped her or he cheated on her and they broke up, you are the real winner buddy because she finally realized how great of a guy you are and its totally okay that she did that because she is mature now and understands that having good qaulities is better than being hot and an asshole."
sorry but that just isn't right, I like alot of your content Matthew but dont try and sell this behaviour as being okay for men to put up with. just pick a woman who rocks with you from the moment you express intrest in her.
Yes I agree with @macpicks6188 on this one. It's a hollow victory, if indeed a victory at all, to finally get the nod from a woman after all her terrible choices in men. NOW I'm ready for you, aren't you lucky? You get to deal with all the trauma, mistrust and anger from my experiences and relationships with mean, selfish men. Men who I chose instead of you. Listen, I am fully aware that a lot of women are not like this, and choose good men early in their relationships - but many, many, many don't. Matthew, you're holding men to account for their resentment while giving women a free pass for all their shitty decisions and the bleak destination many arrive at later in life. Most of your content is fantastic, but this one kinda missed the mark for me - and I'm sure for a lot of other men out there too - who can't help but feel they were never, and will never be, her first choice.
I have a feeling this content in fact is for women - just wrapped around; "tell them to accept whatever ladies will choose in whatever phase of their life, the ladies are entitled to choose whatever they want and mask it under whatever big words". So the ladies feel better, and some guys will get tricked.
No man should accept sloppy seconds.
too angry and bitter
I'm a woman who was a virgin until age 31. Why do you assume older women sleep around? I was ignored by my peers in my 20's. I wanted so badly to be a young mother and wife. But I was so shy and men liked easy girls who put out. What are the chances that you would pick a quiet girl over an easy girl? Women are usually working and going to school in their 20's and some of us don't even get attention from men.
That's exactly why you need to stay single after a break-up. To self-reflect and grow. Learning and knowing what you really want in a partner. Too many people make the mistake of hopping from one relationship into the other because they are afraid of being alone. 💯
I completely agree
Unfortunately people don’t realize that until they are either forced to be single or it’s too late
I am second best, always have been. I’m the guy who’s perfect for anyone but her. The only way I can survive is to stay away from relationships. I thought older women would be different but they’re not in my experience.
Sorry to hear that. Older women are different, I'm 46 and I give guys a chance and also get burned. My ex is a simp, he gave money to all his exes, that cheated on him. I was faithful and gave him my virginity, never received a dime. He asked me for a loan and took 10 years to pay me back. I swear I'm better looking than his girlfriend and kind. People take advantage of kind people.
@@EC-yl7xk ain’t that the truth
Women want excitement when they're younger and security when they're older and those are usually provided for by two VERY different types of people. The guy that is a good better for a stable relationship is overlooked when she's younger and expected to pick up the pieces of her broken life when she's older. And yes, that annoys men because being a last option while being expected to give up everything is just moronic.
Hi!
Don’t agree with this rather black and white world view when it comes to what women want. Girls need to grow up to be a woman, same as boys have to grow up to be a man. I’d say a female will always need a good amount of feeling secure emotionally and bring protected to stay long term with any guy.
Agreed, some of us made a conscious decision when we were younger to shift focus towards the future too. I gave up the parties, concerts, drinking, etc… to focus on my career and health and basically fell off dating for 6-7 years. My friends who kept having fun are now having to deal with getting their shit together (if they haven’t died or become addicts) and it’s frustrating to see chicks “finally realize what’s important”. Like how am I supposed to relate with and respect someone who did what was fun while others sacrificed those years for a better future. I honestly don’t think someone can just have a 180 realization and be able to even actually relate with someone who spent their years so differently.
accurate but far too black and white . don’t expect you are meeting the needs of both either 😂
@@mrMYasswell done on working hard and getting your career on track, but surely you realise that there aren’t only two options when it comes to spending your young years?
Some of the most accomplished and hardest working people I know (career wise, family etc) regularly drink themselves under the table or go out to raves and festivals. Some people live antisocial hermit lives and still never manage to move out of mum‘s basement.
Everyone has their own path and each person’s story is unique. Some people end up single later in life due to things outside of their control, bad luck, childhood trauma etc. How about we stop with the generalising BS? The only thing that can come out of it is bitterness and resentment.
@@superalexys I used to go to festivals and raves and was part of large social groups, out of all the guys I knew who kept doing that stuff maybe two are doing ok at best, and one of those two is dependent on weed and going down hill again, the other several dozen are a complete wreck. A lot of them say they can do both but in reality they are not. Idk maybe that’s just my upbringing and the scene I was around, I didn’t grow up around the best people. Im not talking about someone who fucked around for a few years when they were really young, I did that, I’m talking about people that kept doing that into their late 20s early 30s. A lot of them manage to present themselves pretty well on the outside so it may be hard to see. I was in these groups, best friends with these ppl and well liked, and when I decided not to party 5-6 nights per week I was out. You can’t do both. Many of them even came back to me for help after they fucked them selves up and then took advantage of me, stole from me, and then went straight back to their old bullshit. I’ve known enough of these people, men and women, to know that they aren’t worth the trouble. I still run into a handful of them, they like to talk about how the past is the past, their mistakes made them who they are, and how they now see what’s important in life. And amazingly even the ones who hit rock bottom still manage to boast their experiences and act arrogant about it, despite me trying to be as humble as possible around them. I genuinely wish them well and hope they figure their shit out, I understand the pain of making mistakes in life but I am not stupid enough to bring those problems into my own life. A lot of them don’t even fully understand the extent of their own problems. I know a lot of chicks that flipped priorities after realizing their lifestyle can’t go on approaching 30 years old and decide they want a dependable guy who has his shit together. Even if they did fully understand the value of someone that made the right decisions I don’t think they could relate with them at all considering they chose to make the exact opposite decisions in life. I’m not judging someone who went out to the bars here and there, took xtc at a rave once and had few relationships. There’s a massive difference between the people who fooled around a bit as kids and the people that chased fun until reality hit them in the face.
I find that the more I experience the more I hesitate to interrupt the peace I've found. I'm struggling to identify the type of partner I want since my current criteria is not don't want to repeat past mistakes and if I see any of the signs from the past then I would just walk away or not even bothering trying. I'm finding that I'm stuck in limbo and not sure how to get past it yet
Im a guy and here recently i have had females comeback and say oh i should have taken you more seriously, or i should've given you an honest chance, and now where 29 or 30 and they have 2+ kids with multipl different "baby daddies"
which i feel isn't fair to me with no kids right now or right and im almost 30 and I feel as if there's no one out there without any of the extra baggage my age that's attratced to me, no matter how muc i improve my style, clothes etc. Yeah i get the looks but not the approach..
And then anyome that's 26+ is playing games to see how much attention they can get.
At this point im wasting time.
This makes so much sense to me..its been 6 months im still so hurt and still i love her its crazy she cheated lol and move on so fast and very happy without me. I though so many crazy things my confidence was shot i felt like shit and lost very good woman but she lier, and now starting to think she never love me. I ponder about its everyday and still do starting see realize alot stuff what i look over while we was in the relationship. Never experienced love that like that dont get me wrong im very handsome but i do flaws i thought she seen beyond them. Felt like i was winning she had everything what i wanted out a woman also brought out the best in me. I truly love her but that betrayal i really cant get over......we live together and your 17 year old son meeting your new boyfriend then come home like nothing happen or her son talk to him on game tell him about what going in our house is very dangerous and weird. Dump my like we didn't had nothing. Now i dont wanna date because i really dont trust women. Im definitely traumatized and heartbroken about it. Im about be 40 with no kids i really dont have time for that type of pain anymore.
Thats a really nice COPE.
They "bad guy" she used to date just doesn't want to date her now, because he has all the options. She is still attracted to them but has to settle with a man who is a "nice guy" who is easier to manipulate and who she ignored while having sex with all the "bad guys"
But its to late, she has already destroyed her pair bonding ability and will always secretly desite the excitement of her youth with the "bad guy".
Now the guys who were once ignored dont want her either because they now too have options.
Men value beauty in women.
Women value resources in men.
When she had the most value to offer she gave it away to the wrong men.
So now the men she sees with value dont want her
Please do a video on retroactive jealousy
I see a lot of personal and professional growth in Matthew in the last year. Compared to previous videos, this sounds so much more mature and complex, and understanding. Before he was very good too, but at times sounded rather flat
I have realised that there are those that get stuck living a certain way, watch out for those that can reevaluate their situation and selves whatever age they may be.
As a man, I don’t really feel good about being in a relationship with someone who took that long to grow up and change her priorities. I want to be with someone who I don’t have to wait for.
Then there is those of us who want the romance…❤
I’ve always liked the kind, funny, outgoing type because, well that’s me. But you got to have that spark ⚡️
My take on the video: Could it be that when you’re young you feel invincible, therefore security is not even on your mind as a prerequisite in dating a man. I don’t know. Just a thought. I know I thought I was invincible. I have titanium in my body to prove it!
Denise so long women recognize that they have a biological clock and they make a decision within that time frame all is well. Remember women age like milk, men like wine
@@fh1452 🥛 no, not me
yes right
now things are getting more superficial after dating apps
Well I solved my issues with men not liking me, my choices, personality, body...I just don't date anymore. I won't have another relationship either. I have reached an age where I am practically invisible anyway. Only I need to be kind and treat me well. Only I need to love me. I trust myself and value myself more. This makes people upset and I simply don't care.
Some boat here.
That is a woman's life, from being young, beautiful, wanted by everyone, narcissistic and selfish, a monster basically, to invisible and broken. Kind of interesting how the universe works.
Saw a heavy comment here, so just wanted to send you warmth and love, Amanda. Wishing you selflove, self-compassion and kindness to yourself and to the people around you. Who knows how your life will turn out, with or without a partner… But YOU will always be your own partner and I hope you have a good life with her. ❤
@@johnj6743 you sound so bitter lol
@@rowanmohamed5273 Why do you think that, also why is your first instinct to personally attack me?
I was just stating an obvious natural fact that is interesting even from a philosophical perspective. For men it's different, we are nothing from the beginning, but then build. Mothers do their daughters a horrible injustice when they don't raise you to be humble young women, but a narcissist because the downfall would be much easier for women that way.
I haven't dated in years, and I haven't been happier in life. I have my own place/job/freedom to connect with anyone at any time. It might be a fear of commitment, but given this generation's dating pool of unfaithful, players with shallow judgments predominatly placed on appearances rather than substance, I don't feel like I'm missing out on much
Enjoy your cats and loneliness
@@fh1452 why so mad little boy
@@rowanmohamed5273 Funny when women don’t like an answer they respond not in a logical manner rather their MO is to caste aspersions and make gratuitous derogatory comments. Enjoy your loneliness and cats
@@fh1452 weird how that triggers you!
i matched this woman on a app we talked for week and exchanced numbers but after that she told me out of the blue that shes not ready for dating cause she came out a 3 month period of dating (she was 3 weeks out), now im in this limbo as in she didnt told me she dont want to talk to me but after that i just gave her some space and just had one little conversation with her, but now i dont know if i should move on or hope that she didnt lie about not being ready. also im 8 years single and pretty fed up with dating at this point. does anybody have some tips for me cause im losing hope that this single life is it for me im 34m she 31f.
please help me.
I'm ready to upgrade, definitely!. For those guys that feel they are the second best for being kind, among other incredible traits, it is not true!❤
Attraction on other based dont last very long but you can have little physical attraction for a guy and work with them get to knkw them for a few months the attraction grows both psycological and physical and its much stronger than the rapud high in the other case.
I believe that this is such great content, definitely things that people need to learn & or to also encourage them to shift their perspective a bit. One thing I might add, is that if a man is not secure in his masculine, someone who’s able to lead & if he doesn’t offer stability & safety for a woman to let down her guard & be more in her feminine, that has been in her masculine/independent state for so long,because of how she grew up & things that she needs to heal from & or may need to still work on, than that nice guy who’s not secure in his masculine etc. will not be attractive to this woman..not even enough for her head to be turned for more than two seconds. So in saying that, I think that some of these men may need to dig deeper, into childhood & begin the healing process of any traumas that need to be healed. Perhaps look inwardly & not always be pointing the finger at the other person. Become the best version of themselves that they desire in another, as women should do as well. Hoping that this helps others..these are just my thoughts 💭
Looks...I want someone covered in tattoos with a beard. But, I have standards when it comes to personality. Good guys always finish first in my eyes. (tattoos and beard is not a prerequisite) Being a decent human being and a gentleman is the ultimate turn on.
That’s HILARIOUS 🤣🤣
Why are you attracted to tattoos? They are unnatural.
@@simonv5018 Why Do I need to justify or explain what I find attractive? I don't. ✌
And this is why men say women are impossible to please. Yall want a bad boy outside but a nice guy inside. All over the place.
@@user-dg4pg6zg5v it just seems weird to find something attractive that's not their actual genetics.
5:15 that’s SUCH a cope.
It’s about PRINCIPLE.
Yeah, women FINALLY saw the right way to do things…after being forced by tough circumstances after having chosen the WRONG way.
They didn’t choose you because you weren’t exciting. Now, the excitement you sacrificed so that you could gain security, the security women deemed worthless at first, is now worth it? Worth it ONLY AFTER they’ve given their best efforts, their best years, their womb even, to guys who I COULD’VE TOLD HER it would surely never work with?
And I’n supposed to be happy she just wandered her tired and optionless self my way? And if you are a guy stupid enough to entertain the advances of one of these women, you will find that they will seek that excitement elsewhere once you provide them a secure basis from which to do it. I’m telling you, DON’T be her life raft. It WILL end in your betrayal, but only after you expend a lot of financial and emotional resources and time.
He may have not explained it the best way, I believe he means that young women in their mid twenties are not going for the right qualities in a man when choosing. Over time, they end up learning what they should focus on.
Preach! It's ok to have standards as a man! Don't ever let anyone shame you into dropping them!
@@matthewvido3902 tbh, it’s not a matter of learning. What actually happens is they eat candy until their teeth fall out, then and only then do they take their crooked smile and get some vegetables. They knew they should’ve had the vegetables from the start. They didn’t care…until their teeth started falling out.
@@matthewvido3902I don’t want to be with someone who needs to get screwed over by a bunch of guys before realizing she should have other priorities.
More videos like this please 🙏👏😋
"Me in a different body" 😹😹♥️