For me, in regards to feeling like a burden, I have a hard time asserting what name or pronouns I use because I feel like I'm not "allowed" to use them, or that people won't approve or will disregard it or think there's something wrong with me. It's trying to undo many years of internalized bigotry as well as being taught that you can only be one way. It's interesting how when I look at it there are these intersecting elements of not only cis/terf-transphobia but maybe even some trans-transphobia. Because if I want to use she/her, I have to process through all the things saying "only females can use she/her", "only 'real' women can use she/her", "if you look a certain way or have certain features physically you aren't allowed to use she/her", or "unless you identify as a women she/her is off limits". (Even writing this makes me feel like people will think those things and that I'm somehow appropriating the use of those pronouns and am wrong for wanting to use them). It feels like a strange mix of apprehension, shame, uncertainty, invalidation, fear of rejection and wanting acceptance. I feel like I let myself down when I don't speak up and live authentically, as well as being frustrated that I allow my fears and insecurities to rule me, but also not knowing if each situation is worth it or "right" to express those things. It can be hard resisting everyone and everything around you trying to enforce who and what they expect and tell you that you have to be. Funny how everyone else can be an expert on who you are but yourself.
Thanks for this thoughtful comment. I hope others see it as I think it highlights what many of us experience. You clearly illustrate the challenge of being authentic and open in an otherwise transphobic society. I find that most people who I interact with are just very ignorant about transgender people and our experiences. Many are open to be educated but it requires a bit of courage and willingness to expose ourselves to be in that position. Take my psychiatric practice. I have several hundred patients. None of them knew I was trans. One day I began to transition, and I had to introduce myself with new pronouns, and let everyone know, “Hey, I’m undergoing a gender transition. You’re going to begin seeing some changes. Please tell me if you have any questions.” Most people were rather intrigued, polite, and gracious. A few couldn’t handle it and I helped them see a different provider. This process was a bit intimidating but it did get easier. I definitely have more internal work to do but having these kind of internal dialogues are important for personal growth. 💕🏳️⚧️🙂
@@DrJamieTalksIt definitely sounds like a situation that was scary and vulnerable and I'm glad it went well for the most part it sounds like. It's funny how not only when we expose ourselves authentically are we offering up the chance for others to accept and embrace who we are, but how we can forget that ultimately remembering the one person that matters the most who can love and accept us is ourselves. At least for me personally, I think I have a tendency to want to put everyone else's opinions and thoughts of me first, and believe (unrealistically, maybe delusionally at times lol) that if I can get everyone else to accept me and think positively of me first, that THEN I'll be able to accept and love myself and have permission to be truly who I am. As if the external is more important than what I feel and believe about myself internally. I had the thought the other day when I was getting a little existential and musing on life and aging and how if I died at that moment I would be sad and disappointed to have never been able to have truly loved and accepted myself fully and to have lived that truth. That's something I'm trying to work on and remember. Life is short, this is it, and not living as your authentic self is a waste of who you are.
I was fine till last week, now I look I the mirror and all I see is a man in wig Not sure what to do with that. I go out and I get good feed back. I get random compliments from women about small details, ive even been chatted up I don't get it🤔
I'm 3 years into my transition and 1 year being fully out. But as a 60 yo the internalized transphobia is huge even now. Your example of asking staff not to correct others as internalized transphobia never occurred to me. For myself I've tried to be the "perfect trans person" who gets along and doesn't make waves. Mostly I want to be the counter example to the anti-trans narrative. But your video has giving me something to think about. Thank you so much for your videos!
Thank you for your reply to this video. I recommend checking out the book Whipping Girl by Julia Serano. She is a trans-woman who talks a lot about trans-history in the medico-social context, and how trans-people have been forced to accommodate to the anxieties of the cis-sexual public. It may give you more to think about! By the way, I just want you to know you're awesome! :-)
"It isn't a burden to be respected." (2:46, Dr. Jame Agapoff) I will quote you the rest of my life. This is a fundamental truth to all living beings, and shows the error of the vagueness of the saying, "Respect is earned." Respect has several meanings, the most basic of which is simply acknowledging another's presence. Synonym: consideration. How simply respectful is it to say "Hi," to someone or acknowledge who they are? On the other hand, you, Dr. Jame, have earned my highest respects for this enlightening statement. Thanks for the video. There are many aspects of internalized transphobia that i need to work on but don't even realize until i accidentally say them out loud.
Internalized transphobia or as I refer to mine, self fear and loathing. I think that this is going to be the hardest thing for me to overcome. I have made a decision to medically transition. I am going to fight for my right to be who I am.
I know you began the video talking about those of older generations, and while I agree they probably experience it more intensely than I do, I still found this video incredibly helpful as someone in my early 20's. Partly due to this video I realized that I still carry a hefty amount of internalized transphobia around with me. You're right that I shouldn't feel like a burden for wanting my identity to be respected. I also think I have a somewhat unique experience as I originally came out and mainly presented as a trans man for about 4 years before realizing that I was still experiencing social dysphoria from being perceived as male, and for the past two years or so have been trying to present in a way that actually fulfills me, which is a gnc nonbinary person who now prefers gender neutral language. I would be interested in you potentially talking about "enbyphobia" for lack of a better word, and how trans individuals are still pressured by society to fit into small gender roles and how that affects nonbinary people negatively. Either way thanks for your videos and channels, it is so nice to see someone I can relate to in terms of gender at least partially, who is also a professional who knows their stuff. Excited to see where your channel goes :)
Wow! Thank you so much for sharing your experience. For those of us who are gender diverse, we share a lot of the same challenges regardless of our age. Internalized transphobia is tough to overcome because our society is still so transphobic! It sounds like you’ve done great job at unpacking your gender and figuring out what is authentic for you. I love the idea about a video on Enbyphobia. Its definitely a thing. I’m actually working on a video lecture on nonbinary identities right now and I’ll make sure to mention it there. 💕😊
I'd like to add to my earlier comment: It also isn't a burden to respect others. For all those who hate and are more than willing to express their transphobia or hate, the majority of us in the lgbtqia2s+ community aren't policing for or coercing respect. We are simply asking for recognition of who we are, And it's is not really a burden to just acknowledge that there are people who are different.
How do I know the difference between internalized transphobia and an actual safety issue. My anxiety tells me it's always not safe. I know that's not true. My family and friends accept me as a transman. But i struggle
I struggle too. Right now, it's a very difficult time because many places are not safe. Hypervigilance is a part of being trans in this culture. Outside of our family, friends, and queer communities, we assess (and diligently reassess) every place, person, and situation for potential dangers. This is exhausting and at the heart of the minority stress experience. So, how do we know if it's internalized transphobia? At the heart of internalized transphobia is a sense of shame over one's transgender identity. This shame is internalized and influences our behavior. If we are feeling anxious about a particular situation, we need to unpack whether it's shame due to the internalization of society's normative gender expectations or something else. Personally, if you have any question about safety--be safe first! The world has already lost too many amazing trans people to violence. Sometimes, bringing friends and family to places that make us anxious can be a good way to test the waters and see if it's just anxiety. I hope this helps. 💕
My second thought is that sometimes bouncing our fear off a friend can be helpful. For example, in the scenario I mentioned in this video, I was unaware that internalized transphobia was influencing my behavior, until a colleague (who happens to be a psychologist) pointed it out to me. We all have blind spots. Good friends and therapist who know us can point them out when we're ready. 🙂
Thank you for making this video, it was exactly what I needed to hear right now. I appreciate your mellow voice and matter-of-factness. I agree that it is important to have a so-called bubble of (healthy) detachment, of being able to rise above fear and into self-love. I only ask that you please let us know HOW we can do that. What practices, mantras, steps can we take to develop self-acceptance be be able to reach that place? Thank you again for helping make things a little easier :)
This comment made my day. Thank you! I'll be happy to share some of my methods and techniques, although, I am no sage 🙂 just another trans person on the path for authentic gender embodiment like you! 💖🏳⚧⚧
From this video I see you as a thoughtful, well spoken, even tempered, well meaning person. I'm an older guy. As I've grown older, "gender" isn't something that stands out when I encounter another. What stands out is more basic, their humanity. I have no patience for gratuitous unkindness and feel that everyone should be treated with respect. It does concern me that very young people make irreversible decisions that they then have to live with for many, many decades. I would not have wanted 13,14,15 even 20 year old Charles making such decisions. You have a distinctly masculine vibe (to me), a very positive masculine vibe ... paternal (a bit of the 50s, 60s Dad everyone would have liked to have had). I wish you the best
Life is full of irreversible decisions. The real question is whether or not they are informed decisions. Gender affirmative care for children and adolescents involves a team of medical professionals. Recommendations are made in a collaborative manner with patients and their families. Few young people regret their decisions and most experience significant positive outcomes. For young people with gender dysphoria, not acting is not a neutral act and often leads to significant harm. Also, I think it is important for me to say it is “gratuitously unkind” to call someone like myself who is trans feminine “masculine” and like a “Dad.” Would you refer to a professional woman as “masculine.” They are simply being professional.
@@DrJamieTalks I am sorry if you found my observation unkind. That was not at all my intention. I find and appreciate wonderful feminine qualities (like charm, compassion, empathy, humility) in both men and women. Similarly, I find and appreciate wonderful masculine qualities (like steadiness, assuredness, strength, take-chargedness) in both men and women. It's a tragedy that anyone be shamed for possessing wonderful qualities. Men don't own masculinity. Women don't own femininity. I can't help but admire all the hard work and persistence that brought you to this moment, and certainly mean you no harm. Actually, I have discussed "their masculine side" with many women. I've had fewer conversations regarding a man's "feminine side", because historically (my childhood late 50s, 60s, early 70s) men were shamed for this and left scarred (for the most part, it wasn't so "shameful" to be considered a tomboy). It's been refreshing for me to see young men more relaxed with their softer side. Personally, I like men with a feminine edge and women with a masculine edge, for me it's a positive, not a put down, at all (best of both worlds)
You don't speak for me, I think your wrong ,and good luck in your job, not everyone is transphobic when they are worried about rights of their loved ones and the rights of women in sports
Excuse me, but what are you worried about? Transgender people are not a threat to anyone. What is harmful is objectifying and dehumanizing trans people and their experiences. I recommend opening your heart and mind a bit and resisting the urge to post ignorant comments. You could start by watching more of my videos. FYI: Future ignorant and hateful comments will be deleted.
For me, in regards to feeling like a burden, I have a hard time asserting what name or pronouns I use because I feel like I'm not "allowed" to use them, or that people won't approve or will disregard it or think there's something wrong with me. It's trying to undo many years of internalized bigotry as well as being taught that you can only be one way. It's interesting how when I look at it there are these intersecting elements of not only cis/terf-transphobia but maybe even some trans-transphobia. Because if I want to use she/her, I have to process through all the things saying "only females can use she/her", "only 'real' women can use she/her", "if you look a certain way or have certain features physically you aren't allowed to use she/her", or "unless you identify as a women she/her is off limits". (Even writing this makes me feel like people will think those things and that I'm somehow appropriating the use of those pronouns and am wrong for wanting to use them).
It feels like a strange mix of apprehension, shame, uncertainty, invalidation, fear of rejection and wanting acceptance. I feel like I let myself down when I don't speak up and live authentically, as well as being frustrated that I allow my fears and insecurities to rule me, but also not knowing if each situation is worth it or "right" to express those things. It can be hard resisting everyone and everything around you trying to enforce who and what they expect and tell you that you have to be. Funny how everyone else can be an expert on who you are but yourself.
Thanks for this thoughtful comment. I hope others see it as I think it highlights what many of us experience. You clearly illustrate the challenge of being authentic and open in an otherwise transphobic society. I find that most people who I interact with are just very ignorant about transgender people and our experiences. Many are open to be educated but it requires a bit of courage and willingness to expose ourselves to be in that position. Take my psychiatric practice. I have several hundred patients. None of them knew I was trans. One day I began to transition, and I had to introduce myself with new pronouns, and let everyone know, “Hey, I’m undergoing a gender transition. You’re going to begin seeing some changes. Please tell me if you have any questions.” Most people were rather intrigued, polite, and gracious. A few couldn’t handle it and I helped them see a different provider. This process was a bit intimidating but it did get easier. I definitely have more internal work to do but having these kind of internal dialogues are important for personal growth. 💕🏳️⚧️🙂
@@DrJamieTalksIt definitely sounds like a situation that was scary and vulnerable and I'm glad it went well for the most part it sounds like. It's funny how not only when we expose ourselves authentically are we offering up the chance for others to accept and embrace who we are, but how we can forget that ultimately remembering the one person that matters the most who can love and accept us is ourselves. At least for me personally, I think I have a tendency to want to put everyone else's opinions and thoughts of me first, and believe (unrealistically, maybe delusionally at times lol) that if I can get everyone else to accept me and think positively of me first, that THEN I'll be able to accept and love myself and have permission to be truly who I am. As if the external is more important than what I feel and believe about myself internally. I had the thought the other day when I was getting a little existential and musing on life and aging and how if I died at that moment I would be sad and disappointed to have never been able to have truly loved and accepted myself fully and to have lived that truth. That's something I'm trying to work on and remember. Life is short, this is it, and not living as your authentic self is a waste of who you are.
@@SaraphineTheMer-Queen Introspection and self-actualization are the first steps to long lasting change! 💕🏳️⚧️😃
I was fine till last week, now I look I the mirror and all I see is a man in wig
Not sure what to do with that.
I go out and I get good feed back. I get random compliments from women about small details, ive even been chatted up
I don't get it🤔
I'm 3 years into my transition and 1 year being fully out. But as a 60 yo the internalized transphobia is huge even now. Your example of asking staff not to correct others as internalized transphobia never occurred to me. For myself I've tried to be the "perfect trans person" who gets along and doesn't make waves. Mostly I want to be the counter example to the anti-trans narrative. But your video has giving me something to think about. Thank you so much for your videos!
I’m right there with you sister. I’m also 60. I started to transition two years ago. ❤
Thank you for your reply to this video. I recommend checking out the book Whipping Girl by Julia Serano. She is a trans-woman who talks a lot about trans-history in the medico-social context, and how trans-people have been forced to accommodate to the anxieties of the cis-sexual public. It may give you more to think about!
By the way, I just want you to know you're awesome! :-)
"It isn't a burden to be respected." (2:46, Dr. Jame Agapoff) I will quote you the rest of my life. This is a fundamental truth to all living beings, and shows the error of the vagueness of the saying, "Respect is earned." Respect has several meanings, the most basic of which is simply acknowledging another's presence. Synonym: consideration. How simply respectful is it to say "Hi," to someone or acknowledge who they are?
On the other hand, you, Dr. Jame, have earned my highest respects for this enlightening statement.
Thanks for the video. There are many aspects of internalized transphobia that i need to work on but don't even realize until i accidentally say them out loud.
Waking up to this comment this morning was like getting a bouquet of flowers 💐 at my door. Thank you. 😊 💕
Internalized transphobia or as I refer to mine, self fear and loathing. I think that this is going to be the hardest thing for me to overcome.
I have made a decision to medically transition. I am going to fight for my right to be who I am.
Congratulations!!! That's a huge step! I really the wish you the best on your journey for authentic gender embodiment.
I know you began the video talking about those of older generations, and while I agree they probably experience it more intensely than I do, I still found this video incredibly helpful as someone in my early 20's. Partly due to this video I realized that I still carry a hefty amount of internalized transphobia around with me. You're right that I shouldn't feel like a burden for wanting my identity to be respected. I also think I have a somewhat unique experience as I originally came out and mainly presented as a trans man for about 4 years before realizing that I was still experiencing social dysphoria from being perceived as male, and for the past two years or so have been trying to present in a way that actually fulfills me, which is a gnc nonbinary person who now prefers gender neutral language. I would be interested in you potentially talking about "enbyphobia" for lack of a better word, and how trans individuals are still pressured by society to fit into small gender roles and how that affects nonbinary people negatively. Either way thanks for your videos and channels, it is so nice to see someone I can relate to in terms of gender at least partially, who is also a professional who knows their stuff. Excited to see where your channel goes :)
Wow! Thank you so much for sharing your experience. For those of us who are gender diverse, we share a lot of the same challenges regardless of our age. Internalized transphobia is tough to overcome because our society is still so transphobic! It sounds like you’ve done great job at unpacking your gender and figuring out what is authentic for you. I love the idea about a video on Enbyphobia. Its definitely a thing. I’m actually working on a video lecture on nonbinary identities right now and I’ll make sure to mention it there. 💕😊
I'd like to add to my earlier comment:
It also isn't a burden to respect others.
For all those who hate and are more than willing to express their transphobia or hate, the majority of us in the lgbtqia2s+ community aren't policing for or coercing respect.
We are simply asking for recognition of who we are,
And it's is not really a burden to just acknowledge that there are people who are different.
Yes, there is nothing more dehumanizing than denying another person the respect of their very existence! 💕🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
Yes this very much needs to be addressed. I often turn inward on myself in so many ways that I really couldn't count.
It's something all of us struggle with. Wishing you a happy holidays! 🤗
Be well Dr. Jame.
@@DrJamieTalks
How do I know the difference between internalized transphobia and an actual safety issue. My anxiety tells me it's always not safe. I know that's not true. My family and friends accept me as a transman. But i struggle
I struggle too. Right now, it's a very difficult time because many places are not safe. Hypervigilance is a part of being trans in this culture. Outside of our family, friends, and queer communities, we assess (and diligently reassess) every place, person, and situation for potential dangers. This is exhausting and at the heart of the minority stress experience.
So, how do we know if it's internalized transphobia? At the heart of internalized transphobia is a sense of shame over one's transgender identity. This shame is internalized and influences our behavior. If we are feeling anxious about a particular situation, we need to unpack whether it's shame due to the internalization of society's normative gender expectations or something else.
Personally, if you have any question about safety--be safe first! The world has already lost too many amazing trans people to violence. Sometimes, bringing friends and family to places that make us anxious can be a good way to test the waters and see if it's just anxiety.
I hope this helps. 💕
My second thought is that sometimes bouncing our fear off a friend can be helpful. For example, in the scenario I mentioned in this video, I was unaware that internalized transphobia was influencing my behavior, until a colleague (who happens to be a psychologist) pointed it out to me. We all have blind spots. Good friends and therapist who know us can point them out when we're ready. 🙂
Thank you so much!
Thank you for making this video, it was exactly what I needed to hear right now. I appreciate your mellow voice and matter-of-factness. I agree that it is important to have a so-called bubble of (healthy) detachment, of being able to rise above fear and into self-love. I only ask that you please let us know HOW we can do that. What practices, mantras, steps can we take to develop self-acceptance be be able to reach that place? Thank you again for helping make things a little easier :)
This comment made my day. Thank you! I'll be happy to share some of my methods and techniques, although, I am no sage 🙂 just another trans person on the path for authentic gender embodiment like you! 💖🏳⚧⚧
you are amazing. thank u for ur strength & vulnerability. much love & light beautiful soul ⭐
Thanks 🤗
From this video I see you as a thoughtful, well spoken, even tempered, well meaning person. I'm an older guy. As I've grown older, "gender" isn't something that stands out when I encounter another. What stands out is more basic, their humanity. I have no patience for gratuitous unkindness and feel that everyone should be treated with respect. It does concern me that very young people make irreversible decisions that they then have to live with for many, many decades. I would not have wanted 13,14,15 even 20 year old Charles making such decisions. You have a distinctly masculine vibe (to me), a very positive masculine vibe ... paternal (a bit of the 50s, 60s Dad everyone would have liked to have had). I wish you the best
Life is full of irreversible decisions. The real question is whether or not they are informed decisions.
Gender affirmative care for children and adolescents involves a team of medical professionals. Recommendations are made in a collaborative manner with patients and their families. Few young people regret their decisions and most experience significant positive outcomes. For young people with gender dysphoria, not acting is not a neutral act and often leads to significant harm.
Also, I think it is important for me to say it is “gratuitously unkind” to call someone like myself who is trans feminine “masculine” and like a “Dad.” Would you refer to a professional woman as “masculine.” They are simply being professional.
@@DrJamieTalks I am sorry if you found my observation unkind. That was not at all my intention. I find and appreciate wonderful feminine qualities (like charm, compassion, empathy, humility) in both men and women. Similarly, I find and appreciate wonderful masculine qualities (like steadiness, assuredness, strength, take-chargedness) in both men and women. It's a tragedy that anyone be shamed for possessing wonderful qualities. Men don't own masculinity. Women don't own femininity.
I can't help but admire all the hard work and persistence that brought you to this moment, and certainly mean you no harm.
Actually, I have discussed "their masculine side" with many women. I've had fewer conversations regarding a man's "feminine side", because historically (my childhood late 50s, 60s, early 70s) men were shamed for this and left scarred (for the most part, it wasn't so "shameful" to be considered a tomboy). It's been refreshing for me to see young men more relaxed with their softer side. Personally, I like men with a feminine edge and women with a masculine edge, for me it's a positive, not a put down, at all (best of both worlds)
Well damn it all. MORE work to do.
Haha! The work never ends! ❤
You don't speak for me, I think your wrong ,and good luck in your job, not everyone is transphobic when they are worried about rights of their loved ones and the rights of women in sports
Excuse me, but what are you worried about? Transgender people are not a threat to anyone. What is harmful is objectifying and dehumanizing trans people and their experiences. I recommend opening your heart and mind a bit and resisting the urge to post ignorant comments. You could start by watching more of my videos. FYI: Future ignorant and hateful comments will be deleted.
you are amazing. thank u for ur strength & vulnerability. much love & light beautiful soul ⭐
You are so welcome