Why Is Empathy So Foreign To Narcissists?
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- Опубликовано: 7 сен 2024
- No healthy relationship can be sustained in the absence of empathy. Dr. Les Carter describes how empathy can be developed, then explains why it is virtually impossible for narcissists to grasp. They are so consumed with ego protection that they cannot see into you.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his RUclips channel, his videos have received more than 115 million views.
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Not only do they lack empathy, but they are also clueless about the deficit.
I'm sorry; the "deficit"? Please explain.
@@cheriem432 deficit of empathy
So true!
@@cheriem432 they are clueless and not aware that they even lack empathy in the first place..not emotionally intelligent
Funny, my experience was just the opposite. Outwardly, they would act clueless about it as a mask. In private, my ex would readily admit she has no empathy, and that it made her superior to everybody because she could “do the necessary things nobody else was willing to do.”
Empathy needs a real connection but Narcs have lost this ability long time ago.
Assuming they ever had it in the first place.
So true
👍
Its inherited developemental lack of amygdala, organ in brains. True is it happened over time in centuries.
They’re real good at PRETENDING to be empathic. They draw people in like a magnet. Eventually their mask falls off and you see that they are just faking it and really don’t care about anyone but themselves.
The narc's interest in knowing you, only extend to the point of deciding how well you will mesh with their self-serving agenda.
You just described me, I think. Dammit.
@@GUITARTIME2024 The fact that you are looking at yourself and wondering if you are a narc; probably not. Remember, there are several key factors to narcissism and I have mentioned only one. In general, narc's never look at themselve's and worry if they might be a narc.
Exactly!!
Before I knew what I was dealing with, I wondered why they wanted to be around me, we'd have nothing in common. Most of the time, they're just sitting Disagreeing with me, telling me a list of things they *don't* like. Trying to start an argument for 1 thing......😒ugh. 😢
@@visaormastercard Do not be too hard on yourself! WE all tripped over red flags on the hell trip. WE also got to learn important things about ourselves.
Empathy is built upon feelings, understanding and support.
The precondition for empathy is caring. And caring is a foreign word for Narcs, that cannot be found in their dictonary.
I'm learning, state your name,Linda in Texas, bam, thank you, Roxy, our Doctor, is right, the neat comments or helpful, but than again, my goodness, feed them to the dogs, man I step off track, hec I already was, but this community is for normal peace and harmony, my Doctor can put a life on person, I'm lazy, I'm listening, thank you comments, this is my club house, Linda in Texas, man I'm glad I'm here, go team healthy
You are so very correct! I lived for nearly 35 years in a bubble of apathy. Nearly destroyed me.
After being married to a narcissist for 36 years he died very quickly and suddenly 9 months ago, he didn’t suffer at all. He left a whole load of problems which I am still sorting through and coming to terms with. The man to whom I was married was exactly as you describe and I have to face the fact I didn’t really know him, he kept so very much hidden and anger at me was his set position, no matter what, or how much I did for him. It was only the last ten years that I found out about the Cluster B personality from a counsellor who was recommended after I needed medical treatment and made me realise I was not always wrong. I gave up so much for him and to no avail. What a waste of my life, get out if you need to, don’t just survive, these people don’t recognise or value love and just continue to take - even after death.
Try your best to move forward and toward a better way of life. Gratitude, joy and beauty is an attitude. Best wishes🍀
Almost 20 years in and yep! Always angry, just a wake of problems.
60 years with him and he is still stiff as a board. I thought at first he was shy and hoped things would improve. But NOPE! I got pastoral counseling which helped me understand but he ‘didn’t need it, if you believe that. I realize he’s only a sham of an individual like a drone, day to day, no goals or dreams. Here we are, 86 years old… thank goodness we don’t have children. End of the line, which is a good thing. It has been a hell of a way to live my life and I regret everyday of it. Don’t let this happen to you! Get out while you can!
I'm sorry it took so long to see it. My family of origin was very narcissistic and they hurt me very deeply.
@@e.conboy4286I'm sorry it took so long to see this demonic person as they are. I hope you find some joy in your life.❤
Anything you bring up about yourself to the narcissist, they turn it back on them.
I don't know if that is always Narcissistic behavior. If so , there are lots of narks. This is like rude and comparing. Most people don't want to hear about you. Sad but true.
OR they file it away, to use against you at a later time.
I was shocked when I realized that my own loving father was doing this. I called him out, and he RAGED. Is his love for me pretend?
@@mikediamond353
Unfortunately, yes. He may believe he loves you, and perhaps he does in his own way 🤷♀️.
Just keep in mind though, they “love” through control, negative and false judgment and criticism of you, when that’s how they feel about themselves, they’d rather someone else carry their ugly truths and shame about themselves than take any personal responsibility.
They’re cowards, and monsters.
So love you???
Love isn’t negativity, blame.
Love doesn’t make you feel bad, neither bad about yourself.
Love is supportive and actively presently there for you!
Love is care for and about the other person.
Love holds meaning, and values you!
Love is sweet and selfless.
Love isn’t bondage.
Love has boundaries and understanding and Mutual Respect!
Love has values, integrity and dignity.
Love begins inside of ourselves ❤️
A fundamental foundation.
Love says Sorry and means it.
Love is at a deeper level, narcissists can not reach.
Love is not abusive! Is not a consistent put down!
Love does Not create chaos and confusion and contention!
Love exhibits peace and joy.
Love is radiant and fun!
Love is endless and beautiful.
Narcissists are boring, as they live inside their own head and “needs” and so far up their buttocks’ no one else matters, no one else exists unless it’s to puff up their frail egos and serve their toxic needs.that never can be filled by anyone else!
Aside from all this!
Know that there are people who do care, even about you and your feelings. You are definitely not alone.
You are brilliantly loved. 🥰
Love and accept yourself, even when the negative voices are loud in your head!
Be at peace with yourself.
You deserve happiness and what is True, Real, Meaningful and Lasting Love 💕
Begin with you!
Holy moly is that ever right. Don't reveal your insecurities or fears to them!
My older brother is the narcissist; I am the clairsentient empath. Horrible combination! Since nothing about me was ever "correct" or "good enough" for him, I have left physically and emotionally. Best step I ever took. He has disowned me and I don't care. I am now surrounded by people who genuinely care about me.
Is the rest of his ‘family’ also sick? Mine is
So proud of you friend! I'm on that road too! You deserve to be loved by people who actually know how to show love! 🙏🙏
Empathy was not a subject in a narcissist class room.
Either this, or they flunk the topic.
The way they react, or don't to a person hurt & crying.
Empathy involves LOVE. There's no heart connection with these toxic individuals, that just freaks them out .. because then they would be accountable!
The narc I knew uttered the word love and God for hours straight daily. Yet, it was basically them thinking they're God and their love for control.
Or, for narcs with questions, mature love is predicated on empathy, the full suite.
Love and empathy are all about giving of oneself, putting kindness and service to others before self. Narcissists reject and even mock this, in my experience. It's sad.
Yes some form of extreme self centeredness that is impossible to comprehend.
The main things they lack are empathy and consciousness. The last might he even worse
Their whole life is a long competition.
Love from Norway❤
♥ Love back from the USA
I also fell into this trap and it took me far longer to realize it! There is no hope in trying it is exhausting and frustrating. I gave up long ago. They are so broken and miserable with themselves.
When you started talking about funerals initially, a memory came back to me. About 10 years ago, I found out on FaceBook that a friend had died when a semi-truck hit her car on the highway in the middle of the night. I was in shock to hear the news and said aloud that my friend died. My in-law simply said: "That happens." Then kept talking about whatever she was talking about. Huh?! I didn't understand the full scope of her lack of empathy until the last 5 years or so.
Disgusting
That reminds me of when my mother died. Mind you, she was a horrible mother, a very abusive narcissist. Still, she was my mother. My brother called me to let me know she died (my family is in Germany and I am in Canada). When I told my husband (also a narcissist) that she died, he said, "About time that old bitch kicked the bucket!" And that was all he said.
I've had eight miscarriages - I wasn't allowed to mourn. All he usually said was, "Oh well, another baby in heaven, you'll be re-united when you die!" I was never allowed to talk about it, to him the chapter was closed, no big deal.
When his grandmother died, who loved me and was always good to me, he said on the way to the funeral that he expected none of us (our five kids and me) to cry during the service, because it was a joyous occasion since she was a Christian and was in heaven.
The man truly has a heart of stone.
@@ursulamargrit that's just awful
@@ursulamargrit Your words "no big deal" reminded me of an incident some years ago. The covert narc was at work, I was home in my pjs trying to recuperate from a back injury when I happened to look out the back window the exact moment the swimming pool pump exploded into flames. I quickly rang the fire brigade then ran down the front driveway calling "fire." Luckily some neighbor's were already heading for the house, they grabbed the one available garden hose and scooped water from the pool with whatever container they could find to extinguish it. During the chaos I rang the covert narc asking him to get home quick, sensing stress in my voice he replied, calm down "it's no big deal." By the time the fire engine arrived and the callous narc part of the back fence and pool pump had burnt down to sizzling ashes, the house being close to the pool had been the next in line. Stranger's can care about you more than a narcissist ever could. I repayed the neighbors who saved my house with a good quality bottle of wine and chocolates which the narc didn't want to buy them but he enjoyed their happy smiles when they opened their door to the small gift of appreciation I wanted to give them. Narcissists want reward for no effort.
@@ursulamargrit: Dear, I am so sorry, and send you my deepest heartfelt condolences. The loss of anyone’s life is tragic. My parents were married almost 60 years and loved each other so dearly if one’s finger was cut, I believe the others would bleed! When Daddy died, it seemed that Mother died too. Her inner light had been extinguished. It was heartbreaking because she had loved him so much and was lost without him. Living nearby, I could take care of her but worried about her vulnerability being alone at night. Eventually it became necessary to find the relative security of a health care facility and I maintained our daily contacts and telephone calls as well as appointments to doctors and outings to visit the few family members we could. My heart would break both coming and going as I had to leaver her. But we are promised a great reunion with our loved ones in Heaven and our Lord Jesus Christ and all the angels in Heaven. What a great day that will be! ❤
My ex narcissist would occasionally display empathy, but only when there was something to be gained from it. It's doubtful he if he ever had the real feelings. If I pointed out for instance that his youngest son really needed braces to fix his buck teeth, he'd zone out. I'd try the approach of "imagine how self conscious he must feel" or "it would boost his confidence (he had none)", he'd just turn up the volume on the TV and flip the channel. He just didn't care about anyone but himself.
They can “display” or mimic empathy when they feel it’s necessary.
Since narcissists are more concerned about themselves, perhaps a different approach could help. Example, telling him how great of a father he would seem by having a son who was improving his appearance.
With narcissists, everything has to benefit THEM. His son is an extension of him and the narc needs to look superior.
@@debbier9555 Bingo! If you can frame the conversation in a way that makes it about them, they will do just about anything.
@@debbier9555 I don’t you fully understand how NPD works. No amount of appeasement, maneuvering, or any other strategy will work. According to HG Tudor (a self-aware narcissistic psychopath), once you realize you’re dealing with a narcissist, your best option is GOSO…Get Out Stay Out.
There's just "cognitive empathy" That serves only one purpose to be the "BEST" 😬
I think narcissists have so much fear of letting people know them, that they just can't open up. They would never in a million years admit this, though.
Hi carolyn! Assuming you're correct (and I'm not disagreeing with you), what do you think they're afraid of? I see you wrote "letting people know them" but, can you elaborate?
@@cheriem432
In my opinion, narcissists want to be seen as the best of the best. I think that there is some shame that haunts them in their background. That shame would be different for every person, it's just something for which they feel inferior, something that is warranted or maybe not warranted; something that they had no control over. So, they overcompensate by wanting to be seen as the best, better than. They have to keep up this facade throughout their life, and that's where the fear comes in. They can't stand the idea of someone knowing their background and discovering whatever their "shameful" secrets are. (All just my opinion.)
@carolynrichards9124 Sounds like you are not too off from a pretty good description. The narcissists I know have the characteristics that you describe.
They have no idea who they are. They're playing a role and beyond that they're empty. Opening up would require that they have something inside. The only things they have is fear, anger, shame and hatred. They try to transfer that negativity onto others.
They fear what they do to us will happen to them so they have to keep up the power dynamic to avoid their karma
They have pity but not empathy. Having pity on someone makes them feel superior. My wife cheated on me and then told me that she doesn't feel bad at all; after that she offered to be my best listener if i have things i wanted to tell people. She said that in such a way that she's the god sent help to get me through her cheating. WTF.
All so true. Narcissists don’t want to understand, or truly care, about anyone but themselves. Empathy is the key to life, and a narcissist has no desire to view another person’s position. Great video! Hi to Gus!
Today I can smile about my efforts to "teach" the narcissist empathy, "feelings" and so on back then... I was convinced she needed help - and fell in to the trap. What a blind fool I was. Please, do not repeat my mistake which cost me a lot of time and nerves.
I did the same with a man , oh I can help you feel and not be so angry which is a masking emotion, oh that pooor poor thing . I was dupped, he likes his ways and victim mentality it gets him all the attention and supply he needs
Top late. I fell in that trap. Slowly getting out.
Yep 20 years, all they do is take and drain. There is no bottom to their well.
I've realized since the pandemic that no one in my family has any empathy. My own parents or siblings cannot have kind words when I'm in pain or sad, just holding my hand or saying something nice is impossible to them. I don't know if they're narcissistic but what I know is they're despicable beings. That's enough to me and I feel I've wasted so much energy, time and love it's so sad
They are so obsessed with Self, there is no room for any other, they don't care for any other, exception when they view them as extensions of Self, so empathy is useless except when it serves as a cognitive tool for them to use to manage situations and relationships.
My Narcissist husband tells me I am crazy for feeling how I feel! He never understands and always becomes the victim. ALWAYS!!!
Yes, no matter what they must always contort and twist every situation so they are a victim.
Narcissist is in a state of perpetual psychological drowning, struggling to stay float in his thoughts and pains, seeing others on shore to save him so empathy would be last thing on his mind.
That's so interesting.
Well said!
they often seem to be in a RAGE
Excellent analogy!
They have a double standards. One for you and one for them.
Some of them do. My (narcissist) older brother has one standard and I was expected to abide by it. So, he was *furious* when I legally changed my name. While I was visiting he asked my why, and I told him the truth - that it never felt like 'my name'; I was never comfortable with it; so I legally changed it. He was enraged. Even now that I understand a lot more about narcissists than I did at the time, his reaction still baffles me, since he *never* showed any interest in me or my life before this. As a clairsentient empath this baffles me to this day.
200%
@@cheriem432I must have your brother's twin. My older brother is exactly the same. He has not one clue of who I am nor does he care. The overarching attitude from him is that we only exist for the time he wants something. Beyond that he is unconcerned unless we impinge upon his illusions of grandeur and entitlement.
My husband insisted we move from our home into a rv to help the church more, he always used the bible against me, the day the house was sold I was sobbing like a bay, no feelings no arm around my shoulder he just stood like a emotionless ass,he died of brain cancer in 2019, so many years lost, I lost all respect and love in 2015, I try to look for some kind of silver lining, this guy has always wanted me to have kids but from the very beginning of our relationship in 1980, I told him I will not have kids (I have a narc mom and dad) I am soo glad I never had kids with this man...my silver lining
@sherylo994 my children are a blessing but I wish I had known my childhood trauma before having my children so that the abuse wasn't inflicted upon them by not being educated. It was only just recently at the age of 50 that I discovered my trauma and why I married whom I did. It was my normalcy. I moved back to the state I was raised and I was stuck inside for 3 weeks due to a snow storm and I had so much time to think and it all came together and made so much sense. I just feel horrible for what my children have gone through.
Empathy is built upon knowing the facts about others (cognitive), tuning into the emotions on a personal dimension (affective) and wanting to be a conduit for goodness (compassion).
How empathy shows up and why it is a contradictory to Narcisissm:
1. Knowing/exploring another person's interior
》To Narcs vulnerability means laying down power
2. Search for context
》Narcs are driven by measurables, judgements
3. Looking for ways to be inclusive
》Narcs are exclusive in their thinking
4. Curiosity about others values
》Narcs want to set you straight
5. Seeking meaning inside the relationship
》Narcs see others as a transaction
Be aware that Narcs can't come to terms with:
1. Personal complexity
2. Not interested in giving service
3. Letting go of egotism
4. Cannot manage your lack of correctness
5. Closed minded with an inability to trust
6. Comitted to phoniness, lots of defenses
7. Psych. ineptitude + laziness
8. Struggle when conflicts arise
》》Empathy is difficult when you do not understand LOVE
》》Narcs do not see any values in heart connections
Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
They are inept at conflict resolution because they don't understand the context and other people's standpoints. Thank you for taking notes. 📓✍
@@yukio_saito Yes, indeed. Not being able to solve a conflict constructivly (with empathy and the skills) is a big red flag for it shows that a person is dysfunctional. You are very welcome, Yukio 🙏
I tried to build my mother up with truthful compliments. I tried to let my genuine love be shown. I tried until the day in hospice she passed. Please don’t put yourselves through this. You will feel you have failed for the rest of your life. Let them go. I promise this Doctor is on to it. 🙏🏻💪🏻❤️
The sad thing in life is when you come to realize that a parent doesn't know you and doesn't care too:(
♥
Because only they are real to them, is the short answer. Even empathetic people don't really have "empathy" for a coffee cup or a screwdriver. You ONLY exist as a tool to get things done for them. That is your only value, and you only deserve to be treated well when they are pleased with you, there is no other standard. Empathy is for THEM--not their tools.
My dad who I feel is a covert narcissist only text me once a year on my birthday and I feel he only does it to make himself feel like he's done somthing. After several talks I've initiated about us mutually calling and keeping in touch..he said he'll work on it but never calls me. I'm finally going no contact completely. I have never felt like he's truly known me as a person even in childhood. He def lacked empathy when I went though anything emotional. He is close with my brother who is exactly like him...I've always been a black sheep he can't control and that has always frustrated him
He seems like my parents. After I moved from Boston to Silicon Valley we would talk about once a week. I started saying "I love you" to them as we were hanging up, because I did. They both said it back, but they sounded somewhat uncomfortable saying it. And they never volunteered to say it first. This is the most verbal affection I ever got from them. I once asked my mother "Have you ever been proud of me?" since she had never said anything. Her response was "Don't be stupid." I'm assuming this was a "Yes" from her. I finally went no contact. At their funerals, I felt nothing.
@@cheriem432 o my gosh I'm so sorry. Let me first start by saying you are such a strong person for breaking away, and breaking the mold and not being like your parents. I've learned that
"vibes" don't lie and if something feels off even if it's with your parents it is. She was completely gaslighting you when she said don't be stupid. That's awful. A good parent would say " of course sweety, I'm sorry I'll work on saying that more!" My father always had this entitlement that it should be ME always seeing him and calling him..relationships go both ways.. and when I have reached out I always feel something is lacking and disappointed. He's also super judgemental and covertly controlling..I tried having heart to hearts with him because I am a very feeling and emotional person but the older I get I just want to protect myself more and my peace. 🙏💓
6:30 There is an aspect of the narcissist taking interest in who you are, but it is to mine for vulnerabilities so that they can explain what’s wrong with you.
Yep!
You tell them your damage and they keep on talking about themselves. They are the loneliest because they associate independence with loneliness.and so their damage becomes selfish.and offensive.
Healthy is curious. Ha I I wrote that and then you spoke of that. Your great Dr Carter.
I going to make another comment. I think independence and loneliness has become a trap for them.
The man I was seeing used to say it’s about time you do something for me. In my stupidity I put my whole family and friends on the back burner for years to try and keep him happy. What a waste of my love and time. However it taught me a life lesson and for that I am grateful.
Narcissism is a subject that should be part of the curriculum in high school social science settings as well as in university undergrad psychology. We don't really know the true prevalence of the narcissistic spectrum. Narcissists rarely if ever, present for treatment. What we do know is that VNA do present for treatment. Dr. Ramani has opined that the prevalence of narcissistic personality styles may be around 7% of the general population and perhaps higher. The insidious nature of narcissism needs to be more widely addressed. Moreover, it would seem that psychologists - generalists have a limited understanding of the spectrum. This is in contrast to trauma psychologists who have professional competency in understanding the subject of Narcissism and providing treatment modalities for example, EMDR, Systems, CBT, etc.
Perhaps more importantly is the possibility that VNAs' may be under represented due to feelings of embarrassment and shame.
We need a comprehensive approach to identifying and reaching out to victims.
Dr. Carter, I'm happy that you as well as Dr. Ramani are at the forefront on this subject.
Finally, both your and Dr. Ramani's videos go a long way in educating the general public in general, and the victims, in particular.
Very happy and reassuring to know that you are both with us to that end.
As an aside, I read an article yesterday on divorce from the narcissist. Family court judges are able to discern narcissists from non narcissists. They have a keen perception and know what to look for. This was a relief to know. It indicates that VNA have appeared before these judges and have been met with both understanding and compassion.
Kindness,
Patrick Sicard MPSYCH 7:44
You can't trust anything from them is they are a narcissist. You have to remember everything is a game of wills. When you see them not following their own strict rules you know. They can make your world impossible but then switch it up. When you know, you know. Don't play second fiddle. If you can't have accompaniment then prepare yourself for the discard.
I have often wondered why they are not able to put themselves in the shoes of others. I always explained right away. It doesn't help and is exhausting.
Let me know if we share the same experience… it’s kind of like a “deer in the headlights” type of look they give you whenever you confront them about how their toxic behavior has been affecting you in a negative way… and it’s not like you’re trying to be confrontational - quite literally the opposite, actually. You are just trying to shift the relationship dynamic from toxic to healthy by expressing how you feel… yet, when you look at them it’s almost as if they have this blank stare; essentially saying “I don’t give a f**k about how you feel”
it is so sad but this is exactly how my mother is.
Same. I didnt want to believe that for years and caused myself countless disappointment
My entire family except my dad who was never there - can you blame him?
"Gus" is so sweet and adorable! I love getting to see him, in most of your videos.
Their empathy is manipulation and control.
Bingo
The first 30 seconds of your video makes me remember a line my very narcissistic mom used on me countless times, "I know you better than you know yourself." As a girl I didn't understand it, but now as an adult, I still feel the sting of that comment. Weeping for all that she is, was & won't ever be. Not sure I can afford therapy.
Oh yes, my narcissistic husband has also told me that he knows me better than I know myself. In reality he hasn't got a CLUE who I am, because he doesn't like me - he has been trying to change me into who he WANTS me to be for 45 years, obviously without success. He wants me to be like him - God forbid, because he is perfect, of course.
Had a golf buddy for years that is narcissistic. Ticked off all of the boxes on the checklist. Smart guy, but his actual intelligence was average (yeah, it’s an odd combo platter). Smug, dismissive, subtly condescending & patronizing, etc., with everyone. The worst of it? He’s a psychiatrist who has some level of self-awareness and acknowledgment of his narcissism. Took me a long time to tire of the attitude because I could focus on the golf. Ultimately, the shtik wore thin. After decades of going along to get along, and with awareness of the potential end result, I pressed on a topic in which I’m very knowledgeable (nutrition), and he simply couldn’t come to grips with the realization that not only did he have far less knowledge in a field than me, but that he also was deficient in knowledge of a topic that could directly impact and improve the lives of his patients. He calmly leveled multiple insinuations and accusations of character flaws (ad hominem attacks) shrouded in condescension. He, of course, presumes it was he that ended the friendship.
How, in God's name, was he judged to be "normal" enough to even *be* a psychiatrist? Rhetorical.
You mentioned this guy’s smugness. This seems to be one of the defining traits of NPD. Usually lack of empathy is listed as the first check box, but smugness has got to be right up there. The smugness is often accompanied with a kind of creepy smirking. Good riddance - I’m sure there are some other people out there to golf with who don’t have such serious character flaws.
@@Kerri7021 Perfect call on the smirk. It’s the physical manifestation of the condescension and patronizing attitude of those with NPD. TBH, I had always been cognizant of the one-way nature of the friendship, so the actual loss was minimal. For various other reasons, golf is behind me now.
I have been working with a technique letting your Identity shine through. I am disabled, with mental disorders (OCD, Bi-polar 2, and PTSD.). The Narcissist I was dealing with, had trouble discrediting me as "Crazy," because I embrace my "Unreliable Narrator" side. Acknowledgement of my perception as being distorted, but not necessarily incorrect. Knowing that the Narcissist doesn't care about your point of view means, I can speak nonsense...yet isn't nonsense. "That's the way the egg crumbles." Huh? The Narci will put down on us anyway. Reverse gaslighting that is not gaslighting. And then try to bring it back to a central point. Talk them in counter loops. "Cantinflas." Double talk. "And speaking of eggs, my psychotherapist talks about wanting more personal freedoms is, as common as a dozen eggs."
Thank you for your work.
He said, "your problems are your own". OKKKK.Well then the next he has his next fit, he's gonna be on his own with his "own problems".
Narcissistic people are a waist of your time. I got to the conclusion that the best way is to get out (if you can) or ignore them completely. They will never change, you're the one that has to change.
I disagree. We are *not* the ones who *have to change*. The best way to handle a narcissist is to leave; stop all contact. Then the person can continue to be narcissistic, but you remove from them their power to hurt you any more.
For me the nsrcissts were the catalyst to heal my trauma - so it is both in some cases
SOOOO TRUE Gus and Dr. C
It’s just so sad for sure. I would hate to be inside their head and their body.
Again, thank you for all your videos and God bless you and your family.
From JANESVILLE, WI
This education is vital for my health and wellbeing. Thank you Dr Carter for the ongoing support. God bless. ❤
So pleased!
Why is basic human behavior so alien
I've asked myself that for YEARS.🙁
@@cindys.9688exactly
I signed up with Better Help. Thanks !!!
By the way, I love Gus’s vibe!❤
Thank you Dr. C. for providing such an excellent answer to a question I’ve had about my narc father for years. Having a better understanding of this personality disorder has been extremely helpful in coming to terms with the complete family dysfunction I had to grow up with.
"Not in my wheelhouse". Never heard this one before, thank you for making me laugh! PS. I lived on my sailboat for many years.
Really?? Amazing! Love from California.
I saw a therapist when I was really in the thick of it with the Narcs.. That therapist was working with me on empathy.. It still boggles my mind.. It could be that the therapist was manipulated by the Narcs.. They were alcholics/addicts and maybe the therapist was sucked into the craziness.. It could also mean that I am an empath which I know but learning to emotionally detach from them.. I think with empathy there is also a form of detachment..
I always try to understand certain people, they don't ever know who I am.
There are people I know that care and offer love and emotional support. I
choose to be with people who really care and I try to be just as good of a friend.
The 3 narcissist experiences for me all family members. My Mother, my Ex Husband and my Daughter-in-law. Awful, awful experiences....
My BFF is learning Spanish. Been at it for over a year now. Getting so good at it that I rarely can understand without the follow up translation. It remains foreign to me because I’m not trying to learn or understand. I’m more comfortable NOT trying.
Hell is within the narcissist.
The only salvation and release from hell is for the narcissist to share their hell with you.
They won't admit that they feel better when they dump their hell on you as that's the whole point of their existence. In fact, they'll talk you into thinking that you feel better with them around and you will need them. (In reality, it's quite the opposite)
They have to put up such a strong front that even their own self is deceived. Because if their vulnerability is exposed, their prey will run away
there's a cognitive side ... narcissists kinda like that (so they can use it against you down the road) ...
but that's not what we're talking about😂
There's humor in the truth, Dr Carter ... thanks for your help🙏
Dr Carter, you're always helping people, now I want to help you. I heard you say that your throat issue was a result of acid reflux. I learned 21 years ago, when my husband suffered with acid reflux, that he needed to take "digestive enzymes" from the health food store. Doctors will never tell you that, but once he started take them, his acid reflux symptoms became under control. The prescription medicine for acid reflux was giving him unpleasant side effects, so when he started taking "digestive enzymes", those side effects went away. He continued, gladly, taking the enzymes for many years, but is now completely off of them, and he doesn't suffer with acid reflux anymore. Hope this helps.
Thank you!
This comment isn’t about this video but about one of the short videos posted by Dr C…you made me laugh out loud when you said that we aren’t human doing but human beings 🤣. So true. Thank you 💝
Thanks!
My Narcissist Future X never knew me or stopped carrying too. His family never tried or cared to either. We were together for 27yrs and I bet if you asked his brother, mother... They would give genetic things they think they know about me. It is sad when you realize this.
I never understood how my certain someones can genuinely be mad at sooooo many people constantly! and how they can be content without any true reciprocal relationship. Doesn't it get lonely? My narcissist encounters the most rude people I've ever heard of! The sheer number of people who say mean and insulting things is astounding - doctors, a lawyer, someone's friend, neighbor, their own kids and grandkids, a Sunday school teacher.... you name it. I'm glad I don't encounter THAT many rude people. In fact, I seldom encounter anyone rude enough to ruminate on it,. OK, narcissist is telling untrue things or presenting them with a slant. They have to tell me something rude someone says to her about me because, I guess, I deserve to know. Never getting certain names right - deliberately mispronouncing or using a different form of a nickname - even though I clearly say Bob and have so for years, the narc always has to ask about Bobby.
Yep my narc husband is the same way. Like purposely makes it seem like the names are insignificant or something else.
There hss to be an organic component as empathy is intrinsic to being human.
. . . for most of us.
Thank you for Education
Appreciate these talks. It explains a lot of behavior I observe.
I'm a tech guy, and a lot of this stuff does not compute :)
You're a very good person, Dr. Carter. You have a kind, compassionate heart. It's always such a pleasure to listen to you. You basically "talk me off the ledge." Thank you, my friend.
So pleased to be on the path with you!
This is true and when you bring up something that would benefit both ppl they say "you always make it about you." They heard that for years by their diagnosed Narcissist father who was very controlling and abusive in marriage. So it's the values he's passed on. When it happens I look at them completely at awe finding myself introspectively thinking now how did I make this about me when 1) we've either spent quite a bit of time on the other and then I say now let me tell you something that...about me. Or it's under a dialogue of hey how about this solution as a win win for both. In one of your videos you worded it perfect as these are healthy relationships when it's about both individuals. I miss my mother because I knew everything about her. Her story of her life was huge to me. I knew her issues and forgave her for the sad childhood she had. She also knew me. Every friend I ever had and so on. We could look at each other in a room of ppl and know what the other was thinking. Just a look shot at one another. Oh it has its moments without doubt but. My ex husband never cared to know a thing about me as everything was his world. His family, his business and his needs. It truly bothers me that I see this way of connecting and the biases, prejudices and belief systems run so deep through the family system I love so much. I was treated as nothing more than a 3rd class citizen and then dismissed and devalued. And that hierarchy of roles continues today.
It’s astonishing how true that is
A litany of negative characteristics.
An abusive Narc? Never gonna heal or apologize. They don't know how to. But what we can do, is grey rock them and stay out of their way at all times, including sleep. Fortunately my mother and father passed away. Now I realize I am grieving the loss of having real parents. Learning to love myself first, and place all my awards from work or school on the wall of wonderful!!!!🥰🐿☕🏆🏆Thank you Dr. Carter. and Gus.
Serious
Gus just chilling as usual 😌
I believe Gus is a covert narcissist while he's asleep. He just ignores everything. Once he's awake, he's an empath. My diagnosis. Love you, Gus! 🐶
I think empathy is innate, some people are born with out empathy. They can mimic empathy but don’t have any emotional empathy 😢
Narcissists can't deal with something that's incorrect from their point if view, but isn't that their way of finding red flags in someone else's behaviour or reactions ?
To be able to trust, and innocently love, to feel the calmness arriving at peace, to know the kindness exchanged in reciprocity, as well as, self-awareness within one's integrity, and self-acceptance in one's dignity, and charitability felt in respect.
I feel something above and beyond simply venting out until exhaustion folds into a fleetingly therapeutic release.
It feels like sensitivity becoming a new and different, but thankfully intact range of sensibility
My sister died my brother died all within 4 months of each other. What did my narcissist do? NOTHING NO SYMPATHY FOR MY PAIN NO EMPATHY AT ALL. 😢 For God's sake.... even death does NOTHING TO THESE FREAKS 😢
I don't know that the commentaries of the good doctor ever stray far from his core material but this observer feels the date 30 May 2024 to mark a notable, if incidental, victory in the struggle against pathological narcissism. Kudos, George Conway.
Yep!
Don’t poison yourself with these toxic creatures!! (I’d rather swim with sharks.)
Yes, sharks are much safer.
This is all spot-on. Thank you!
My narc claims on his FB page that he's an "intuitive empath." So, he knows how to present himself.
But, is s/he?
Thank you for your service here , you are the great example of empathy , caring for us .
Sometimes you have to be the mature person and wait for them to calm the heck down!
Not society problem...nor their fault...especially not our responsibility hands down.. about the narcs lack of empathy😮Orange is your colour Dr.C😊
👍 It is all about what the narcissist thinks he/she needs to do for the next thrill.
Great presentation, Dr Carter. ❤❤❤❤❤❤
Dr Carter I have to be honest. I wear you and Dr Ramani like a coat. I so aspire to surround myself with healthy people like you.
Glad to be on the path with you!
My husband says he is no more narcissistic than anyone else so god help society if this is true!
Again, you rocked it. You are so very helpful. THAMK YOU!
You are so welcome!
They can't have empathy because they're in survival mode. In their minds everyone is out to get them or belitte them.
You are amazing!!! Thank you so much!! ❤😊God bless you and your family!
You are so welcome
TRUE 👍🏻
Thank you so much for this DR Les, You're absolutely beautiful and have immense understanding, I'm so glad we have you, You're a great bloke, Peace, love and respect to you Gus and everyone, Thank you universe, All glory to the most high God ⚖🕊🦁🕆😘♱🐎✌👽🦄🍏🍎🍄🗝☘🚀🎆🌈🌌💜💗💛💚😃💙❤😊🌲
Thanks so much!
@@SurvivingNarcissism You're always welcome DR Les, Thank you so much for everything, I'm very grateful for you, Peace, love and respect to you 😃❤💙💚💛💗💜🌌🌈🕊🦁🕆😃
I so appreciate your years of helpful advice and nuggets of wisdom
So pleased!
An ex said that he spent 50.000 deneros on me and that he owned me, as he physically emotionally beat me. 15 years after the relationship and clear away from him, so grateful and intact fully.
I told my sister I had a huge hole in my heart after my dog died. She said, what do you mean?
thank you
I told my mother about my panic attack from 2 years ago, the one that shot my blood pressure up to 200/80 and where I needed emergency care...I might as well have spoken about drinking a glass of milk. But boy oh boy she wants the red carpet set out and trumpets blaring if she stubs a toe.
Sounds like my Mother.
Thanks again doc. Right on!
Thank you Dr C
You are very welcome
@@SurvivingNarcissism
Dr C. This is Susan. Found the most profound song this morning.
Beth Crowley. I'm Not Nothing
Please try iy
Because they do not love their neighbor as themselves. (Lev 19:18; Zech 8:17; Matt 22:39 // Mark 12:33 // Luke 10:37)
Because "They love their lives unto the death." (Rev 12:11)
Because "Even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient." (Rom 1:28)
Because "With all deceivableness of unrighteousness in them that perish; because they received not the love of the truth, that they might be saved. And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie: That they all might be damned who believed not the truth, but had pleasure in unrighteousness." (2 Thess 2:12)
Mine is emphatic being a seasoned narc now shrouded by narcs and looking right back at my reflection.... life is a great teacher!!! But when you change its very enlightening to see what you was and love the people you taught turn the style on you!! Pay back is a bitch! But what goes around!!!!!
Great video
Hi Dr. C. You have used terms anti-love and absence of love. Suffice it to say distinction without a difference?
No love, no empathy..pretty basic. They do not love.
True.