@@gurucarcar that, in a nutshell, is the elephant in the room. I believe you can overcome what holds you back. I do. “Transform every stumbling block into a stepping stone”.
Traumatized ppl cannot trust themselves hence sending out signals that they r not to be trusted besides engaging in behaviors that make them untrustworthy. The mirroring of feelings did not happen as a result of insecure attachment,so nervous system doesn't provide correct information The problem is is that we still need connection and still need to belong.
But isn’t that a big problem though. I can’t wrap my head around the idea that everything I do or say is constantly being used against me without your own awareness. Like doesn’t that just make you not want to be around people. Why would I want to speak if everything I say is constantly exposing a part of me I am unaware of and it’s constantly going to be used against me in a social situation. I can’t reconcile these things. They don’t make sense
1) Stop Blaming! And telling the story of why you are in the situation. You have to deal with problem you have now. Sorry. 2)Stop labeling people 3) Glossing over serious missteps- Be honest and real about your own mistakes and make amends as appropriate. This shows respect. 4) Don’t exaggerate. Be specific and exacting in what you say. 5) Do not make excuses. If you are late say, “ I mismanaged my time” 6) Do not gossip. Do not say anything bad about someone behind their back. If they commit a crime and you have to tell the police, do that. Tell people who need to know the information if you need to keep someone safe. But, in general, hold your tongue. ( This is so hard!) I am saving it for my fear and resentment pages!!! ) 7) Showing contempt is nasty. Do: 1) Deeply listen to others. Ask questions. Be curious. 2) Apologies are for everyone - we all make mistakes 3) Do what you say you will do. ( Don’t promise to do what you know you don’t want to)
i think we always get to that weird phase of trying to heal where we get stuck on who's responsible for it and end up forgetting that, in the end, it's still our problem to fix however we can >right now
I agree this is your most powerful video yet. Other people's pathologies are none of our business. We wouldn't be susceptible to them if we were accountable for our own weaknesses.
Thank you for all these things you continue to share on RUclips. I’m finding so much benefit from watching, and I’ve recently begun using the sailing writing/meditation process. Just wanted to say thanks.
Writing all of this down!! Of course, I know these things and they make sense, but remembering to apply them every day is something that takes practice and a really conscious effort to break bad habits like this. I would also add to this list that if you do spend time with people who do these things, they end up dragging you right into that behavior with them, so that is also part of the reason they avoid you if you just cannot resist doing these things. They are trying to resist doing this themselves.
You can do it because you know you generally act in good faith and will make mistakes. You know you can protect yourself from individuals whom you may have wronged, and whom exploit the situation in order to impose upon you an obligation or abuse.
Watching this video I thought, “Man! Kids who learned this as they were growing up were so lucky!” I’m grateful to learn it now anyway. Better late than never.
I’m living with my fiance and her family. I am in the process of regaining their trust. And this video is coming in a good time. I feel dirty and filthy hearing this. But I know it’s gonna be better soon. This is amazing to hear. Is anybody else in a jam?
Thank you for this. ❤️ I’ve done a lot of self-healing and shadow work over the years, and finding your channel a few months ago has still made a huge impact on me. Many of the topics, such as this, have resonated deeply to unveil new areas to work on/new perspectives. Your work and efforts are so valuable and appreciated-thank you!
blessings people! this season - I have learned to forgive those who have hurt me. Even if they never ask for forgiveness, it's finished. That has opened me up to see that even though there is so much that happens to me that I cannot control - it's OK. I will be OK. I will forgive and move on. I think it's hard sometimes bc different offenses have different "weights"... but that's what they are - weights that anchors us stuck in one place. We need to cut it and move on. thank people for showing you who they are - cut your losses and move on! :)
This channel is helping me so much. I found it months ago but I was so scared of healing. But now I have been studying and taking notes because I truly want to be better. Thank you so much!
Wow. Can't tell you how comforting it is to hear someone say this! I never could even put it into words! I get abused, and they don't trust ME!!! What a switcheroo! I have NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT! So grateful soneone understands this! So grateful to finally hear someone put this into words and talk about it! Anna you're a blessing! This is amAAAzing!! You are a gift on this earth in this hurting world! ❤⭐❤⭐❤⭐❤⭐❤⭐❤⭐❤⭐
Thank you Anna. I think this is one of the best videos you’ve ever done. You’ve given voice to things that I feel regularly but could not quite grasp in language.
Many years ago, my cousin had me call her work because she said she was sick. I told her no, no and no. I gave in and as soon as I hung up, she laughed at me. Lost trust in her as she made me a fool.
I'm also guilty of exaggerating and for the same reason that you mention, because I think of it as hyperbole i.e., exaggeration for emphasis. But to be trusted, we have to be mindful of other people's perceptions, and that requires being unambiguous.
It’s hard for me to trust people when my trust was broken and by my own parent /family at such a young age. I became so isolated from everything and everyone in order to protect myself better. I just want to change that. i lost so many years to trauma and I’ve let enough years passed without being able to heal from it. The knowledge and power tour videos holds keep me alive. Thank you.
Anna I just came across your channel and I am SO GRATEFUL. I feel understood and hopeful that I may be able to turn my life around after 42 yrs of abuse, neglect, rejection, domestic violence,etc.. I'm struggling to find work and I think it's bc PPL can see my brokenness on the inside, regardless of how positive I am innately, even when I have a million reasons to not be. I have been searching for true healing since I was 8 yrs old and I am willing and able to acknowledge my part in sabotaging my life bc I know I can't fix what I don't acknowledge. I'm struggling more days then not, to do the littlest things I need to do bc of my anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia, loneliness, depression and how I keep all of my relationships in my life at surface level bc I used to be too trusting, naive & kind and PPL mistaken my kindness for weakness and an easy target Two yrs ago I cut off all but one of my siblings and other toxic PPL in my life, which has helped my anxiety quite a bit. I have no excuses, I want so badly to chg. I've noticed that my triggers gave been getting worse over the past couple months bc I am struggling to get a job and not from lack of effort. I question if it's bc they can see the trauma I try to cover up inside? I have forgiven everyone who has hurt me, not for them but for my own psychological healing and wellbeing. I love your work. God bless
Love this video!! So much truth and wisdom in it. Having the capacity to look at ourselves and ask "Do I have any responsibility in how this situation turned bad? How much of it's on my side of the table, and what exactly is it?" Not to beat ourselves up but to LEARN from it, improve, and apologise or make amends, if warranted. This is extremely difficult to do when triggered. In fact, maybe impossible since when we're triggered the executive brain functions needed to do this get hijacked. For sure on a high level of being triggered, a 9 or 10. Probably possible to some degree at a 1 or 2.
Great video, Anna. If I was that cashier, I would have taken the bag of mixed candy, and tell her "Unfortunately, I cannot ring this up. Please go back and use separate bags for each different item, and bring it back to us. We will wait for you." This infuriates me.
I had a friend who took a box of mix, opened it up and then left the half eaten box in the store. As classy as she was - I never looked at her the same way.
My compassion goes to the person in the check-out. I wouldn’t blame her if she kindly requested the customer to do it right. She might have had her fair share of childhood abuse, or just a nasty boss giving her hell if she ever stood up against a customer.
These are wonderful baseline lessons, thank you Anna💫👌🏽...making excuses, gossiping and remarking about people on social media. Your advice is the sort of professional guidance that society is so in need of in developing some well-needed etiquette on social media. To discipline oneself about being sincerely compassionate, listening and apologizing require that balance of just the real amount of hard on oneself. So well put.🙏🏽
Thank you so much for content. It’s presented with such kindness and most of all, honesty. These are painful and often shame-bearing truths we need to learn in order to actually bring about the change that’s needed. It’s funny how it can be a relief to know that some of the social problems we experience are actually about what we’re bringing to our interactions. The truth will set us free after all! Thank you for all of your content!
I hate to say this but I can relate to this as my fears have steered me rather than common sense and I have a long list of mistakes I can never set right, I just went past caring, which is not great. Started the writing task, re regulating now, first time was two pages, never in my life could I imagine how many fears I had amassed through my 50 plus years......and how it has crippled me and put spanners in the works. Think the biggest one is forgiving myself, even though I did not have the tools, always been super hard on myself but hope to change this now. Thank you Anna. x
This is so profound. You continue to amaze me, and in ways I often hate to admit I really need to hear; I'm nearly ready to "drop the story" (the labeling, even though sometimes it's the ONLY thing that feels like it explains where I'm coming from), but I gotta get the guilt gone. LOL, so easily said 🙃. Bottom line is that it's necessary. And you're right, the "whodunnit" is less important than NOW. Not in a by-passy way, but truly only with me, now.
I’ve done a lot of “shadow work” and that’s what this video is reminding me of. It’s hard work, but I feel it’s important for everyone not only us with CPTSD. Have you heard of the method of NVC (nonviolent communication)? I think it can be very helpful esp for those of us w/ childhood trauma
Doing self-help caused me a to have a breakdown ,,I couldn't see how bad I was .it gave me a shock .I fear the guilt and shame will never go away. Cheers.
~Being honest & trustworthy has been a top priority with me, yet so often people dont believe me about things, and my family even thought i was lying about quitting drugs, years ago~Since im always afraid i wont be believed, i think that worry shows, and may make me appear to be lying?~It devastates me when that happens~
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy , thank you!~Right now im looking into getting a hair analysis drug test, to send the results to my mother~Im really tired of this....
Let it rest, walk in your truth! You trying to convince or prove anything to anyone can just make you feel crazy! They will come around as you heal and become stronger in your sobriety 😊
@@darbybell8684 , thanks for the encouragement, but its been 12 years, so at this point its best for me to just let go of them ever being a part of my life~I had another sad dream about my family last night~I want to not care, but i cant make myself let go.....
Thanks well done. I have to heal to get my self preservation back. And rebuild my life again. To many taking opioid drugs has just crippled America society. So many need Help. God Bless is all. Later.
I had a 1 way friendship w/ a woman who could not stop blaming her ex husband, her adult children, her siblings, her parents, etc. After 2 yrs. I ended it. The negativity was suffocating. A friend thought that was just horrible of me. I said ”Fine, you go be her sounding board” No regrets
Uggggggh. :( this video is SO timely as I’m really giving my all to rebuilding trust with someone I lashed out at (during dysregulattion) I’ve felt so encouraged and positive and now I feel a bit discouraged- not bc of the video but bc of the reminder of reality. That I really did hurt someone, And I can’t just expect them to trust me again even if I’m doing all the things I know to do. I feel so defeated.
I think it has to do with being ok with sitting in discomfort while I’m being patient with the process. I hate being uncomfortable, I’m always wanting to rush through the process. But you can’t control or rush in any way rebuilding trust.
Just finished watching the video. It actually was empowering . Everyone send prayers and good vibes to my self healing and rebuilding trust with my good friend ❤️❤️ Sending them right back!!
If you gave honesty, friendship, reliability and it wasn’t reciprocated- you’re probably someone they use, and don’t particularly like.. would they do it otherwise? It hurts and you dread such a loss and how do you handle it? It’s easier to continue to take it, isn’t it. So you won’t offend a “friend” by calling them out on the lies and excuses you KNOW they’re badly acting out on you. You’ve heard them - heck even used a few, and maybe know some they haven’t even thot up yet. They will. And deny it and turn the table on you because THAT’S HOW THEY OPERATE. Aren’t you always left feeling wrong? Guilty for offending them? Therein lies the lies you’ve bought. They’re better at screwing people over than people are at recognizing how TOXIC they really are. This wonderful lady is helping me LOSE LOSERS. PARASITES. CRITICS. NARCISSISTS. And I’m finally, at 57, recognizing I’m valuable. Caring (maybe to a fault) for posers , vampires, and sociopaths is not YOUR DESTINY. You can find peace and acceptance within yourself (turmoil comes from withOUT) Block it - you CAN , i did. Don’t fall back into the pleasing behaviour anymore - every time you turn your back on evil-motivated behaviour, your spine gets stronger! Let your backbone, not your ‘friends’ be your Friend. You’ll get over those obstacles better without traitors & saboteurs holding you back! Cry if you have to when you look back, but do not STOP and stare, it’s just another trap they hoped you’d trip on. Continue to watch and follow these videos, they are your REAL FRIEND. Maybe the first authentic words you’ve heard in years... that’s how I’m restoring and recreating my life! ❤️ So much thanks 😍 and joy and insight!!! Stop suffering 🥰
Loved this 👍🏼 Thank you. Simple easy way of looking at some of my obvious shortcomings which never improve a situation in any way, except maybe a quick “poor me” hit. Ewwww. Embarrassing. Better late than never. I’ve been working on these very things lately with mostly success. Thanks for driving it home !👏🏼💜
Yes. I have a life-long friend that have shown me that she lacks integrity and will be dishonest (or even break the law - unnecessarily) if she can get away with it (and feign ignorance if she gets caught). I've distanced myself from her (integrity is a pretty big deal for me). It's challenging because we've been friends for decades, and she's trying hard to hold onto the friendship. I'm sure she has no idea why she can't quite connect to me as she'd like (she doesn't have many other friends, and she really needs a friend). It's a tough situation.
I am 68 years old. Was raised with a physically and emotionally abusive mother. I have now been responsible for her everyday care for 23 years! I feel invisible and smothered. I live on social security so no travelling for me...no money. How do I recover from anything when I'm still stuck with my abuser every day?
Hello Anna and yes ma’am “you are the problem”; but you have POWER in that!!! I stop caring what people think about me! Their opinions don’t dictate my reality🙏🏾 You’ll get so much accomplished when you focus on yourself and growth!
I'm not sure I'd totally agree here! For me, its like what came first the chicken or the egg, and the trauma/abuse came first ( at 5yrs) and I always blame it. I do blame systems too? Being in a family run business there is lots of ways for the narcissist to pull the restraints on you, till your imprisoned, just as in domestic violent relationships. I feel not all adults can walk away, often many are silent victims when they have taken there problems everywhere. Emotional blackmail is the binder, and often there are others that could get hurt. Each individual case is different I suppose, but definitely, not all adults can walk away,....
We really focus on where we are now over what happened. The tools like the Daily Practice are designed to move us forward. ruclips.net/video/3N_t0ZSvn_Y/видео.html -Cara@TeamFairy
I think you had some crappy role models for what being an adult is. Adults do walk away because they're too busy taking care of responsibilities. They don't have time to involve themselves in matters that don't move them forward, including rehashing past resentments.
OMG! I've only been listening to this for 0.54 seconds and this is it entirely! Since a very small child I was accused of doing things which were totally not of my nature - lying, cheating etc. Later as a young adult it was "I was hiding something" or I "broke a promise." People seemed to feel they "could not trust me" and they always stuck to their guns - in spite of my remonstrations. Have always been totally perplexed by this. Maybe as I was unable to trust anyone in my own life, something inside of me held firm. I genuinely had integrity. Msybe it was my one constant - knowing my own truth gave me some form of stability in an unstable environment. Notably in every instance it was from women - never experienced this with men. 🤔 Maybe women are more self-protective, whereas men (generally) probably don't view women as a threat. At any rate, I live alone and don't let people into my world now anyway. 🙄 *Edit: OMG again! You are so right! I BLAME all the time. Also I'm contemptuous about people and most other things you mentioned. 😂 Thanks for setting "the saint" straight here! Will really try and remain conscious when talking to people. Kind of loose with my feelings about the world and those in it. No wonder I'm actually UNtrustworthy. I wouldn't trust me either! 🤣 Just found your videos - looking forward to growing and healing with you and all the beautiful people here. Thank you so much! ❤️💚💜
Amazing video and you are so right. And I really hate gossip. Tried to advice against it. Doesn't seem anyone wants to trust me even though they know I am honest. Maybe I'm seen as a dreamer who glosses over things. Good tip. So glad I found you. Peace✌🏻😊👍🏻❤️
"Self undermining" genuis ,I was an expert at this .when I drank in pubs I would be so good at self deprecating and sarcasm,it came across as if was an idiot .I cringe looking back ,,thankfully im long away from them days .so sad that I wasted time being around them types, I must of unconsciously seemed them out . Thanks.
Haha silly me-I almost fooled myself into thinking that I didn’t need to watch this🤨🤨 Once again thank you Anna for an EXCELLENT video that is 1,000% relatable and with suggestions on how to re-adjust for optimum living. I’m always so grateful for your content and your channel!
Wow! Perfect timing CCF ( if I can call you that 😉) this, I needed to hear in order to work through the events of yesterday and this morning. It takes time to unravel, and take responsibility, especially when emotions are running high. My brother recommended this channel, although we live many hours apart, the things I am learning and through our conversations I feel I am more aware, and making progress. 1 day at a time, right? ❤️
1. Stop blaming other people for problems in your life. 2. Don't gloss something over that's really bad, especially something you did. It makes you sound out of touch and untrustworthy. 3. Avoid all-or-nothing statements. Be specific and only say things that you know are true. 4. Stop making excuses - just acknowledge it and apologize. 5. Don't gossip. People know that means it can turn against them too. 6. Avoid expressing contempt - i.e. you think a person is so worthless or beneath you, you can destroy them with your words. 7. Listen closely and be curious - don't just wait to jump in with your own story. 8. Be the right amount of hard on yourself. Don't beat yourself up, but own up and apologize (not a fake apology and not a groveling apology). And don't be afraid to make mistakes, because never making mistakes means you're being insincere. 9. Always do what you say you will do. Make it safe to count on you. Sheesh, I'm so guilty of all of these.
What shocks me are the people who say that these aren't solutions, as if anyone, especially a person with mental illness, is going to benefit from conflict. But this comment section is full of people who discount this very sound advice.
What about the other way around? Someone who was trained on how to be supportive to people who have suffered from domestic violence and domestic abuse once told me while I was complaining about loss of innocence after my first husband told everyone who would listen to him that my personality had changed for the worse without including any causative factors that he knew of as to maybe why she said -- Good thing you have changed. You are so much better off as a person now knowing what you know now.
This is life advice, not only advice for people with CPTSD. I am in a newish workplace with a lot of toxicity. My main goal everyday is to speak as little as possible. If it doesn't have to do with work, I generally try to avoid speaking. I'm not sure why but this scares people too.
It could definitely make people uncomfortable although of course, there are those who keep their private life very private which is personal choice. -Cara@TeamFairy
I agree. If you are in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, this is a very specific situation, as there is an active process of manipulation and degradation going on. Seeing (and yes labelling it) for what it is, isn’t pointing the finger, it’s a crucial part of extricating yourself from a toxic situation.
I wish I would have known what a narcissist was 15 years ago. Thank goodness for labels and all the info online about it. It's helped me recognize toxicity that would have flown over my head and caused me to waste so much time because I thought I was the problem.
I just totaled my car . I’m not depressed . I’m trying not to be down. I still have to work. I thought I was doing the right thing . Just when you think your wrong
Anytime im in a setting of medical or phyciatric help ,I automatically feel judged thus defense mode and leaves the "helper" exhausted and I don't get the help. Cheers .
It’s hard to not keep thinking about who is behind your C-PTSD when you’re listening to a lot of videos that explain how you got it. I get that we can’t keep blaming others, but still it’s hard.
It's very hard, especially in a society that has encouraged most of us to blame others, but the main reason to avoid doing it is that it doesn't work! -Cara@TeamFairy
So my neighbor came over my house and asked me if she has offended me..I asked why would she think that.she the went on to apologize for offending me saying that she was not ok because of the death of her sister.I asked her exactly what is she apologizing for because I hate it when people throw around apologies and they dont have an understanding what they are apologizing for..for me you need to articulate why you are apologizing.This woman became so vicious to me and my daughter I was helping her elderly parents who are artists to exhibit their work at my child's school .She became combatant about it saying we were trying to scam her parents..anyway I know that shes the scammer hence she was triggered she thought I was getting money for it which I was not I was just so mesmerized by their art work that I wanted everyone to see how good it was
I know it’s just an expression the “Youths” are saying these days, but don’t be so hard on yourself. We ALL have a lot to work on, only some of us are glad to be enlightened by our character defects and others aren’t. Even tho we have issues to work on, still keep sight of the good that’s in you and think of it as increasing your value as a whole and healthy person vs seeing everything that’s wrong and needs to be “fixed.” Can’t tell you how to feel about your self-growth journey, but I hope your days are filled with self-compassion and patience. ✌🏾Peace.
@@Matthewsala Aww! You're a treasure too! Don't sell yourself short. I'm just doing my part of spreading something kindness while I can. Take care Matthew and many blessings to you! :-)
Thank you for your advice about CPTSD. I kept telling myself that I feel like I have PTSD from such a crappy childhood. You've helped me to understand why I feel like I do much of the time. I like my own company, but I need to know why I'm not ever included in invitations to weddings, baby showers, etc. Am I that terrible?
If somebody really annoyed you, mistreated you and frustrated you, is it really wrong to blow off steam? We know people say all the time "If you have a problem with me, well then tell it right to my face." Well, if you do go to try to tell it right to their faces...🤪🥴 💩🤕🙉🤯🤯🤯Ever tried? Good luck with it!!!
I think there are ways to blow off steam other than gossiping or complaining to someone else (assuming this is what you’re referring to, apologies if I’m misunderstanding your comment). Journaling, dance/movement, going for a walk, talking to a therapist, yelling into a pillow, etc. - and it’s all practice and easier said than done. I do think there’s also less confrontational ways to talk to someone about how we are feeling - taking responsibility for our own feelings and not blaming but expressing - NVC is a great tool for this!
If they don't understand how they made you feel, they are not your friend. They just might be trying to make themselves feel better by making you feel bad. Time for a new friend.
@@cl8759 So it's okay to talk to a therapist but not to a friend with therapeutic qualities? Once I pay money for something, it's not gossiping anymore? And yes, some people are not open to criticism even if it's said in a nice way. But I must admit that being more straightforward about things blow off steam better. I know actually about narcissists (oh well, abusive people, sorry Anna, I will use more euphemisms from now on 🙃) who tell their victims "not to gossip" so these victims don't get to hear the insights about their situation from a third party, therefore don't find out they are being gaslit and abused.
@@elonever.2.071 That's true, but sometimes the frustration lingers, even if you already kicked somebody out of your life. And in some cases you are not able to remove somebody from your life.
@@annebos4634 Warning people of toxic personalities and gossiping are two different ways of approaching the problem. A warning is a short emphatic sentence. Gossiping is a short story (maybe a novel) with all the juicy unnecessary details. Often therapists are for people who dont have very close friends to bounce concerns and frustrations off of. And one of the first things you have to learn is about personal boundaries. Having someone else tell you what you can and cannot say is a violation of personal boundaries; maybe you have to learn the 'gray rock' method of dealing with toxic personalities.
It's a balance in the end, I guess! We shouldn't blame other people for something that we can change within ourselves, but people shouldn't victim blame, either! It's a hard line to play! I hope that people, including ourselves, can fine, a balance, one day!
Oh wow, this video highly resonated with behaviors I still do. Especially glossing over things or mistakes I made which are really bad. I never knew it could make the people around me trust me less, I also tend to get really triggered when my fam noticed my mistakes and would tend to shut down and stop listening to them halfway while they are talking to me.
In reality, birds of a feather flock together. Misery loves company. We seek out those we identify with. This being true, it is impossible to become self aware of any self-destructive behavior or impulse when everyone around you embraces the same behavior. Gossipy people love gossipy people. Judgmental people love judgmental people. Low self esteem people love low self esteem people. Full- of-themselves people love people full of themselves. Etc. The most important thing, and the hardest, is to change your tribe and be ready to relearn and rethink and realize that all along it's been you that carries the problem wherever you go. That the thing you most fear is self awareness and the hard, long, lonely work of self improvement. Beware of short cuts like drugs, legal or otherwise, or paying for a timeshare couch so someone else can give all the answers. What profits a shrink if, god forbid, he cures you and you stop paying?
“It’s not your fault but it is your problem.”
right!
and that sucks especially when ya feel powerless and/or have no options to feel safe.
I love this.
@@gurucarcar that, in a nutshell, is the elephant in the room. I believe you can overcome what holds you back. I do.
“Transform every stumbling block into a stepping stone”.
🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩
Honestly, there’s nothing I value more than trust and honesty. Even friendships and close relationships are nothing without trust.
Agreed.
I will suscribe to your channel because you wrote in your description that you talk about addictions.
Traumatized ppl cannot trust themselves hence sending out signals that they r not to be trusted besides engaging in behaviors that make them untrustworthy. The mirroring of feelings did not happen as a result of insecure attachment,so nervous system doesn't provide correct information The problem is is that we still need connection and still need to belong.
yes.
Catherine Ives that’s what I feel. I don’t know how to over come the distrust with in my own being
Aptly summarized.
But isn’t that a big problem though. I can’t wrap my head around the idea that everything I do or say is constantly being used against me without your own awareness. Like doesn’t that just make you not want to be around people. Why would I want to speak if everything I say is constantly exposing a part of me I am unaware of and it’s constantly going to be used against me in a social situation. I can’t reconcile these things. They don’t make sense
1) Stop Blaming! And telling the story of why you are in the situation. You have to deal with problem you have now. Sorry.
2)Stop labeling people
3) Glossing over serious missteps-
Be honest and real about your own mistakes and make amends as appropriate. This shows respect.
4) Don’t exaggerate. Be specific and exacting in what you say.
5) Do not make excuses. If you are late say, “ I mismanaged my time”
6) Do not gossip. Do not say anything bad about someone behind their back.
If they commit a crime and you have to tell the police, do that. Tell people who need to know the information if you need to keep someone safe.
But, in general, hold your tongue. ( This is so hard!) I am saving it for my fear and resentment pages!!! )
7) Showing contempt is nasty.
Do:
1) Deeply listen to others. Ask questions. Be curious.
2) Apologies are for everyone - we all make mistakes
3) Do what you say you will do.
( Don’t promise to do what you know you don’t want to)
Boils down to being a mature and responsible adult. Don't be trash. Don't be a Jerry Springer guest lol
i think we always get to that weird phase of trying to heal where we get stuck on who's responsible for it and end up forgetting that, in the end, it's still our problem to fix however we can >right now
Well said!
Bingo
I agree this is your most powerful video yet. Other people's pathologies are none of our business. We wouldn't be susceptible to them if we were accountable for our own weaknesses.
Well said, thank you!
Listening, humility, & kindness are the most overlooked qualitities.
:)
“You don’t need to do a forensic analysis (on yourself) to move forward with positive changes.” ❤️ that.
:)
Thank you for all these things you continue to share on RUclips. I’m finding so much benefit from watching, and I’ve recently begun using the sailing writing/meditation process. Just wanted to say thanks.
You are so welcome!
Writing all of this down!! Of course, I know these things and they make sense, but remembering to apply them every day is something that takes practice and a really conscious effort to break bad habits like this. I would also add to this list that if you do spend time with people who do these things, they end up dragging you right into that behavior with them, so that is also part of the reason they avoid you if you just cannot resist doing these things. They are trying to resist doing this themselves.
The need to pathologize is the pathology. For our healing, it does not matter. Healing means moving: onward, not backward.
Yes, exactly!
“Be easy with the idea of apologizing. You can do it.”
You can do it because you know you generally act in good faith and will make mistakes. You know you can protect yourself from individuals whom you may have wronged, and whom exploit the situation in order to impose upon you an obligation or abuse.
:)
Once trust is lost, it's an uphill battle to get it back, but you will always be put in check or verified before anything you say or do is trusted
I don't think that is always the case :)
Watching this video I thought, “Man! Kids who learned this as they were growing up were so lucky!” I’m grateful to learn it now anyway. Better late than never.
exactly!
Brilliant . Blame is a powerful distraction . Who s responsible right now for your success or failures . Nice touch . Not too hard not too soft . .
:)
I’m living with my fiance and her family. I am in the process of regaining their trust. And this video is coming in a good time. I feel dirty and filthy hearing this. But I know it’s gonna be better soon. This is amazing to hear. Is anybody else in a jam?
Good luck!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy THANK YOU ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for this. ❤️ I’ve done a lot of self-healing and shadow work over the years, and finding your channel a few months ago has still made a huge impact on me. Many of the topics, such as this, have resonated deeply to unveil new areas to work on/new perspectives. Your work and efforts are so valuable and appreciated-thank you!
blessings people! this season - I have learned to forgive those who have hurt me. Even if they never ask for forgiveness, it's finished. That has opened me up to see that even though there is so much that happens to me that I cannot control - it's OK. I will be OK. I will forgive and move on. I think it's hard sometimes bc different offenses have different "weights"... but that's what they are - weights that anchors us stuck in one place. We need to cut it and move on. thank people for showing you who they are - cut your losses and move on! :)
:)
This channel is helping me so much. I found it months ago but I was so scared of healing. But now I have been studying and taking notes because I truly want to be better. Thank you so much!
Thanks for sharing, glad you are here
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow. Can't tell you how comforting it is to hear someone say this! I never could even put it into words! I get abused, and they don't trust ME!!! What a switcheroo! I have NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT! So grateful soneone understands this! So grateful to finally hear someone put this into words and talk about it! Anna you're a blessing! This is amAAAzing!! You are a gift on this earth in this hurting world!
❤⭐❤⭐❤⭐❤⭐❤⭐❤⭐❤⭐
Thanks for being here :)
Thank you Anna. I think this is one of the best videos you’ve ever done. You’ve given voice to things that I feel regularly but could not quite grasp in language.
I'm so glad!
Many years ago, my cousin had me call her work because she said she was sick. I told her no, no and no. I gave in and as soon as I hung up, she laughed at me. Lost trust in her as she made me a fool.
I would have probably lost that trust as well...
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is solid life advice that everyone needs to hear, trauma or not!!
Agreed :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm also guilty of exaggerating and for the same reason that you mention, because I think of it as hyperbole i.e., exaggeration for emphasis. But to be trusted, we have to be mindful of other people's perceptions, and that requires being unambiguous.
Exactly! I mean the "automatic underminding". I even notice, but can't change yet. I'm gonna figure out. 💪🏻
That video helps again, thanks.
You got this!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy ☺️💡😄🙂
Thank you so much for this! I love your tough love videos, personally my favorites. They helped me break out of a victimhood mentality
I'm so glad! Thank you for sharing it's helpful :)
It’s hard for me to trust people when my trust was broken and by my own parent /family at such a young age. I became so isolated from everything and everyone in order to protect myself better. I just want to change that. i lost so many years to trauma and I’ve let enough years passed without being able to heal from it. The knowledge and power tour videos holds keep me alive. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing with us :)
Anna I just came across your channel and I am SO GRATEFUL. I feel understood and hopeful that I may be able to turn my life around after 42 yrs of abuse, neglect, rejection, domestic violence,etc.. I'm struggling to find work and I think it's bc PPL can see my brokenness on the inside, regardless of how positive I am innately, even when I have a million reasons to not be. I have been searching for true healing since I was 8 yrs old and I am willing and able to acknowledge my part in sabotaging my life bc I know I can't fix what I don't acknowledge. I'm struggling more days then not, to do the littlest things I need to do bc of my anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia, loneliness, depression and how I keep all of my relationships in my life at surface level bc I used to be too trusting, naive & kind and PPL mistaken my kindness for weakness and an easy target Two yrs ago I cut off all but one of my siblings and other toxic PPL in my life, which has helped my anxiety quite a bit. I have no excuses, I want so badly to chg. I've noticed that my triggers gave been getting worse over the past couple months bc I am struggling to get a job and not from lack of effort. I question if it's bc they can see the trauma I try to cover up inside? I have forgiven everyone who has hurt me, not for them but for my own psychological healing and wellbeing. I love your work. God bless
Welcome, so glad you found the channel!
-Cara@TeamFairy
It's amazing how much great advice and insight you can put in a video under 20 minutes. Thank you!
Glad it was helpful!
Love this video!! So much truth and wisdom in it. Having the capacity to look at ourselves and ask "Do I have any responsibility in how this situation turned bad? How much of it's on my side of the table, and what exactly is it?" Not to beat ourselves up but to LEARN from it, improve, and apologise or make amends, if warranted.
This is extremely difficult to do when triggered. In fact, maybe impossible since when we're triggered the executive brain functions needed to do this get hijacked. For sure on a high level of being triggered, a 9 or 10. Probably possible to some degree at a 1 or 2.
Practicing methods every day (especially when not dysregulated) helps us from getting dysregulated so much bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank 🙏💚 you. I needed to hear this message. Its no one's fault but decades of silence.
You are so welcome
Great video, Anna. If I was that cashier, I would have taken the bag of mixed candy, and tell her "Unfortunately, I cannot ring this up. Please go back and use separate bags for each different item, and bring it back to us. We will wait for you." This infuriates me.
I had a friend who took a box of mix, opened it up and then left the half eaten box in the store. As classy as she was - I never looked at her the same way.
My compassion goes to the person in the check-out. I wouldn’t blame her if she kindly requested the customer to do it right. She might have had her fair share of childhood abuse, or just a nasty boss giving her hell if she ever stood up against a customer.
Good one!
Extremely useful Anna, thank you. I will refer to this again.
Hi Sophie!
These are wonderful baseline lessons, thank you Anna💫👌🏽...making excuses, gossiping and remarking about people on social media. Your advice is the sort of professional guidance that society is so in need of in developing some well-needed etiquette on social media. To discipline oneself about being sincerely compassionate, listening and apologizing require that balance of just the real amount of hard on oneself. So well put.🙏🏽
Thank you so much!
Thank you so much for content. It’s presented with such kindness and most of all, honesty. These are painful and often shame-bearing truths we need to learn in order to actually bring about the change that’s needed. It’s funny how it can be a relief to know that some of the social problems we experience are actually about what we’re bringing to our interactions. The truth will set us free after all! Thank you for all of your content!
Thank you for the support.
Jack@TeamFairy
I hate to say this but I can relate to this as my fears have steered me rather than common sense and I have a long list of mistakes I can never set right, I just went past caring, which is not great. Started the writing task, re regulating now, first time was two pages, never in my life could I imagine how many fears I had amassed through my 50 plus years......and how it has crippled me and put spanners in the works. Think the biggest one is forgiving myself, even though I did not have the tools, always been super hard on myself but hope to change this now. Thank you Anna. x
Good work! Clearing away those fears & resentments is really the key to healing and seeing new opportunities!!!! Great job!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Anna mentions some great points on accountability and taking responsibility - thank you.
Glad it was helpful!
This is so profound. You continue to amaze me, and in ways I often hate to admit I really need to hear; I'm nearly ready to "drop the story" (the labeling, even though sometimes it's the ONLY thing that feels like it explains where I'm coming from), but I gotta get the guilt gone. LOL, so easily said 🙃. Bottom line is that it's necessary. And you're right, the "whodunnit" is less important than NOW. Not in a by-passy way, but truly only with me, now.
That's awesome, I understand that feeling and you're doing great!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy🙏🏻💙
I really needed to hear this one today. Thanks Anna, I always appreciate your videos.
Glad it was helpful!
I’ve done a lot of “shadow work” and that’s what this video is reminding me of. It’s hard work, but I feel it’s important for everyone not only us with CPTSD.
Have you heard of the method of NVC (nonviolent communication)? I think it can be very helpful esp for those of us w/ childhood trauma
I'll take a look :)
I cannot believe every single video of yours is dead on accurate! I have never in my life had this much validation! ❤️
God, I needed this so badly. I’m grateful for your videos 😭
Glad you're here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Doing self-help caused me a to have a breakdown ,,I couldn't see how bad I was .it gave me a shock .I fear the guilt and shame will never go away.
Cheers.
I understand, we all have those fears but you can heal
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy apologies ,ide never want to put anyone off healing ,,my case is complicated and not as simple as only self help.
Cheers.
Anna you are amazing, thank you for being so strong! May you be blessed in every way!❤️
Thank you so much! You too
~Being honest & trustworthy has been a top priority with me, yet so often people dont believe me about things, and my family even thought i was lying about quitting drugs, years ago~Since im always afraid i wont be believed, i think that worry shows, and may make me appear to be lying?~It devastates me when that happens~
Don't give up :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy , thank you!~Right now im looking into getting a hair analysis drug test, to send the results to my mother~Im really tired of this....
Let it rest, walk in your truth! You trying to convince or prove anything to anyone can just make you feel crazy! They will come around as you heal and become stronger in your sobriety 😊
@@darbybell8684 , thanks for the encouragement, but its been 12 years, so at this point its best for me to just let go of them ever being a part of my life~I had another sad dream about my family last night~I want to not care, but i cant make myself let go.....
Thanks well done. I have to heal to get my self preservation back. And rebuild my life again. To many taking opioid drugs has just crippled America society.
So many need Help. God Bless is all.
Later.
Glad you're here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I had a 1 way friendship w/ a woman who could not stop blaming her ex husband, her adult children, her siblings, her parents, etc. After 2 yrs. I ended it. The negativity was suffocating. A friend thought that was just horrible of me. I said ”Fine, you go be her sounding board” No regrets
Understood. That kind of negativity is suffocating!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Uggggggh. :( this video is SO timely as I’m really giving my all to rebuilding trust with someone I lashed out at (during dysregulattion) I’ve felt so encouraged and positive and now I feel a bit discouraged- not bc of the video but bc of the reminder of reality. That I really did hurt someone,
And I can’t just expect them to trust me again even if I’m doing all the things I know to do.
I feel so defeated.
I think it has to do with being ok with sitting in discomfort while I’m being patient with the process. I hate being uncomfortable, I’m always wanting to rush through the process. But you can’t control or rush in any way rebuilding trust.
Just finished watching the video. It actually was empowering .
Everyone send prayers and good vibes to my self healing and rebuilding trust with my good friend ❤️❤️
Sending them right back!!
Thanks for sharing, great self-awareness, glad you're here
If you gave honesty, friendship, reliability and it wasn’t reciprocated- you’re probably someone they use, and don’t particularly like.. would they do it otherwise? It hurts and you dread such a loss and how do you handle it?
It’s easier to continue to take it, isn’t it. So you won’t offend a “friend” by calling them out on the lies and excuses you KNOW they’re badly acting out on you. You’ve heard them - heck even used a few, and maybe know some they haven’t even thot up yet. They will. And deny it and turn the table on you because THAT’S HOW THEY OPERATE. Aren’t you always left feeling wrong? Guilty for offending them?
Therein lies the lies you’ve bought. They’re better at screwing people over than people are at recognizing how TOXIC they really are.
This wonderful lady is helping me LOSE LOSERS. PARASITES. CRITICS. NARCISSISTS. And I’m finally, at 57, recognizing I’m valuable. Caring (maybe to a fault) for posers , vampires, and sociopaths is not YOUR DESTINY. You can find peace and acceptance within yourself (turmoil comes from withOUT)
Block it - you CAN , i did. Don’t fall back into the pleasing behaviour anymore - every time you turn your back on evil-motivated behaviour, your spine gets stronger! Let your backbone, not your ‘friends’ be your Friend.
You’ll get over those obstacles better without traitors & saboteurs holding you back! Cry if you have to when you look back, but do not STOP and stare, it’s just another trap they hoped you’d trip on.
Continue to watch and follow these videos, they are your REAL FRIEND. Maybe the first authentic words you’ve heard in years... that’s how I’m restoring and recreating my life! ❤️
So much thanks 😍 and joy and insight!!! Stop suffering 🥰
We can stop suffering, we have to look at ourselves too though, it's not always the other people :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Always so insightful, so very wise. You are brilliant and I thank you for this channel.
Glad you enjoy it!
Loved this 👍🏼 Thank you. Simple easy way of looking at some of my obvious shortcomings which never improve a situation in any way, except maybe a quick “poor me” hit. Ewwww. Embarrassing. Better late than never. I’ve been working on these very things lately with mostly success. Thanks for driving it home !👏🏼💜
No shame!!! You got this! Good for you for being here to work on yourself! And yay for self awareness!!
Glad it was helpful!
Yes. I have a life-long friend that have shown me that she lacks integrity and will be dishonest (or even break the law - unnecessarily) if she can get away with it (and feign ignorance if she gets caught). I've distanced myself from her (integrity is a pretty big deal for me). It's challenging because we've been friends for decades, and she's trying hard to hold onto the friendship. I'm sure she has no idea why she can't quite connect to me as she'd like (she doesn't have many other friends, and she really needs a friend). It's a tough situation.
I am 68 years old. Was raised with a physically and emotionally abusive mother. I have now been responsible for her everyday care for 23 years! I feel invisible and smothered. I live on social security so no travelling for me...no money. How do I recover from anything when I'm still stuck with my abuser every day?
I suggest this mini course bit.ly/3608opl which is free :)
9:50 as a former internet troll I feel really bad for doing that in the past just to feel better about myself. Spot on. Thanks
This is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you
Glad it was helpful!
Hello Anna and yes ma’am “you are the problem”; but you have POWER in that!!! I stop caring what people think about me! Their opinions don’t dictate my reality🙏🏾 You’ll get so much accomplished when you focus on yourself and growth!
Yes :)
I'm not sure I'd totally agree here! For me, its like what came first the chicken or the egg, and the trauma/abuse came first ( at 5yrs) and I always blame it. I do blame systems too? Being in a family run business there is lots of ways for the narcissist to pull the restraints on you, till your imprisoned, just as in domestic violent relationships. I feel not all adults can walk away, often many are silent victims when they have taken there problems everywhere. Emotional blackmail is the binder, and often there are others that could get hurt. Each individual case is different I suppose, but definitely, not all adults can walk away,....
We really focus on where we are now over what happened. The tools like the Daily Practice are designed to move us forward. ruclips.net/video/3N_t0ZSvn_Y/видео.html
-Cara@TeamFairy
I think you had some crappy role models for what being an adult is. Adults do walk away because they're too busy taking care of responsibilities. They don't have time to involve themselves in matters that don't move them forward, including rehashing past resentments.
OMG! I've only been listening to this for 0.54 seconds and this is it entirely!
Since a very small child I was accused of doing things which were totally not of my nature - lying, cheating etc.
Later as a young adult it was "I was hiding something" or I "broke a promise."
People seemed to feel they "could not trust me" and they always stuck to their guns - in spite of my remonstrations.
Have always been totally perplexed by this. Maybe as I was unable to trust anyone in my own life, something inside of me held firm.
I genuinely had integrity. Msybe it was my one constant - knowing my own truth gave me some form of stability in an unstable environment.
Notably in every instance it was from women - never experienced this with men. 🤔 Maybe women are more self-protective, whereas men (generally) probably don't view women as a threat.
At any rate, I live alone and don't let people into my world now anyway. 🙄
*Edit:
OMG again! You are so right! I BLAME all the time. Also I'm contemptuous about people and most other things you mentioned. 😂
Thanks for setting "the saint" straight here! Will really try and remain conscious when talking to people.
Kind of loose with my feelings about the world and those in it.
No wonder I'm actually UNtrustworthy. I wouldn't trust me either! 🤣
Just found your videos - looking forward to growing and healing with you and all the beautiful people here.
Thank you so much! ❤️💚💜
So glad you found the Channel!
-Cara@TeamFairy
What the fantastic vlog
I was looking for something like that I am watching with such interest
Thank you so much 🙂
I think you're my emotional saviour!!! Thank-you!!!
Thank you for being here!
Just did my group DP! Hi Anna and folks!❤️
Hello Tihana! Nice to see you here!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy happy to be here, Anna! 🥰
Amazing video and you are so right. And I really hate gossip. Tried to advice against it. Doesn't seem anyone wants to trust me even though they know I am honest. Maybe I'm seen as a dreamer who glosses over things. Good tip. So glad I found you. Peace✌🏻😊👍🏻❤️
So good, subtle but huge
:)
"Self undermining" genuis ,I was an expert at this .when I drank in pubs I would be so good at self deprecating and sarcasm,it came across as if was an idiot .I cringe looking back ,,thankfully im long away from them days .so sad that I wasted time being around them types, I must of unconsciously seemed them out .
Thanks.
Good for you for getting out of that cycle!
-Cara@Team Fairy
Beautifully said. Thank you Anna ❤️.
You are so welcome
I think I needed this one. Thanks 💚
Thank you too!
@dassijes We all do!
Thank you, this video was so helpful!
Glad it was helpful!
I really love the solution focus of this video. Thanks.
Great to hear!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Haha silly me-I almost fooled myself into thinking that I didn’t need to watch this🤨🤨
Once again thank you Anna for an EXCELLENT video that is 1,000% relatable and with suggestions on how to re-adjust for optimum living. I’m always so grateful for your content and your channel!
You’re welcome 😊
Helpful thoughtful presentation. Thank you!
You're very welcome!
5:53, right.
Wow! Perfect timing CCF ( if I can call you that 😉) this, I needed to hear in order to work through the events of yesterday and this morning.
It takes time to unravel, and take responsibility, especially when emotions are running high. My brother recommended this channel, although we live many hours apart, the things I am learning and through our conversations I feel I am more aware, and making progress. 1 day at a time, right? ❤️
Right! Welcome-glad you're here :)
1. Stop blaming other people for problems in your life.
2. Don't gloss something over that's really bad, especially something you did. It makes you sound out of touch and untrustworthy.
3. Avoid all-or-nothing statements. Be specific and only say things that you know are true.
4. Stop making excuses - just acknowledge it and apologize.
5. Don't gossip. People know that means it can turn against them too.
6. Avoid expressing contempt - i.e. you think a person is so worthless or beneath you, you can destroy them with your words.
7. Listen closely and be curious - don't just wait to jump in with your own story.
8. Be the right amount of hard on yourself. Don't beat yourself up, but own up and apologize (not a fake apology and not a groveling apology). And don't be afraid to make mistakes, because never making mistakes means you're being insincere.
9. Always do what you say you will do. Make it safe to count on you.
Sheesh, I'm so guilty of all of these.
And you can change them :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
What shocks me are the people who say that these aren't solutions, as if anyone, especially a person with mental illness, is going to benefit from conflict. But this comment section is full of people who discount this very sound advice.
What about the other way around? Someone who was trained on how to be supportive to people who have suffered from domestic violence and domestic abuse once told me while I was complaining about loss of innocence after my first husband told everyone who would listen to him that my personality had changed for the worse without including any causative factors that he knew of as to maybe why she said -- Good thing you have changed. You are so much better off as a person now knowing what you know now.
Definitely there are some people we are in a negative cycle with who resist us healing and changing.
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is life advice, not only advice for people with CPTSD. I am in a newish workplace with a lot of toxicity. My main goal everyday is to speak as little as possible. If it doesn't have to do with work, I generally try to avoid speaking. I'm not sure why but this scares people too.
It could definitely make people uncomfortable although of course, there are those who keep their private life very private which is personal choice.
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy It's easier to keep things private. Gossip stays low.
Very helpful. Easy to understand and take on board.
Glad you think so!
This is some really practical useful information ☺️🙏 thank you
Glad it was helpful!
Sometimes we need to label narc as Narcissist to understand what u have went through ,please donot undermine someone's trauma
I agree. If you are in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, this is a very specific situation, as there is an active process of manipulation and degradation going on. Seeing (and yes labelling it) for what it is, isn’t pointing the finger, it’s a crucial part of extricating yourself from a toxic situation.
I wish I would have known what a narcissist was 15 years ago. Thank goodness for labels and all the info online about it. It's helped me recognize toxicity that would have flown over my head and caused me to waste so much time because I thought I was the problem.
I just totaled my car . I’m not depressed . I’m trying not to be down. I still have to work. I thought I was doing the right thing . Just when you think your wrong
I hope as i improve, people i already know, will start to trust me..
That has been the case in my experience :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
#1 is summed up as accountability
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thankyou so much that was really helpful😊
You’re welcome 😊
Anytime im in a setting of medical or phyciatric help ,I automatically feel judged thus defense mode and leaves the "helper" exhausted and I don't get the help.
Cheers .
Yes, I know this feeling. Have you seen this video about doctor experiences? ruclips.net/video/gxcCrYdiAu0/видео.html
Thank you .
It’s hard to not keep thinking about who is behind your C-PTSD when you’re listening to a lot of videos that explain how you got it. I get that we can’t keep blaming others, but still it’s hard.
It's very hard, especially in a society that has encouraged most of us to blame others, but the main reason to avoid doing it is that it doesn't work!
-Cara@TeamFairy
So my neighbor came over my house and asked me if she has offended me..I asked why would she think that.she the went on to apologize for offending me saying that she was not ok because of the death of her sister.I asked her exactly what is she apologizing for because I hate it when people throw around apologies and they dont have an understanding what they are apologizing for..for me you need to articulate why you are apologizing.This woman became so vicious to me and my daughter I was helping her elderly parents who are artists to exhibit their work at my child's school .She became combatant about it saying we were trying to scam her parents..anyway I know that shes the scammer hence she was triggered she thought I was getting money for it which I was not I was just so mesmerized by their art work that I wanted everyone to see how good it was
Such a great channel.
Appreciate that :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Eesh... I feel so personally attacked. I see I have a lot to work on.
I know it’s just an expression the “Youths” are saying these days, but don’t be so hard on yourself. We ALL have a lot to work on, only some of us are glad to be enlightened by our character defects and others aren’t. Even tho we have issues to work on, still keep sight of the good that’s in you and think of it as increasing your value as a whole and healthy person vs seeing everything that’s wrong and needs to be “fixed.”
Can’t tell you how to feel about your self-growth journey, but I hope your days are filled with self-compassion and patience. ✌🏾Peace.
@@galaxylucia1898 this is probably the nicest comment or piece of feedback I've ever gotten. You are a treasure. Thank you for the kind words.
@@Matthewsala Aww! You're a treasure too! Don't sell yourself short. I'm just doing my part of spreading something kindness while I can. Take care Matthew and many blessings to you! :-)
@Matthew_Lange ha ha I understand the sentiment. Welcome to the community where we ALL have a lot of work to do :)
Thank you for your advice about CPTSD. I kept telling myself that I feel like I have PTSD from such a crappy childhood. You've helped me to understand why I feel like I do much of the time. I like my own company, but I need to know why I'm not ever included in invitations to weddings, baby showers, etc. Am I that terrible?
The Daily Practice helps us see much more clearly what is going on. Here is a link bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
I feel the same too. I’m a lovely person (I think and know this) but how I show up is just a mess
DO NOT TRUST ANYONE WHO DOESN’T TRUST YOU.
It’s called PROJECTION.
THEY ARE NOT TRUSTWORTHY. ❤️
Since many of us don't trust anyone, we have to start with ourselves :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
It's so hard because even though I want to heal I know I will just forget everything you said. You can't undo the damage... It will always be there.
Try this course crappychildhoodfairy.com/lp/daily-practice
If somebody really annoyed you, mistreated you and frustrated you, is it really wrong to blow off steam? We know people say all the time "If you have a problem with me, well then tell it right to my face." Well, if you do go to try to tell it right to their faces...🤪🥴 💩🤕🙉🤯🤯🤯Ever tried? Good luck with it!!!
I think there are ways to blow off steam other than gossiping or complaining to someone else (assuming this is what you’re referring to, apologies if I’m misunderstanding your comment). Journaling, dance/movement, going for a walk, talking to a therapist, yelling into a pillow, etc. - and it’s all practice and easier said than done.
I do think there’s also less confrontational ways to talk to someone about how we are feeling - taking responsibility for our own feelings and not blaming but expressing - NVC is a great tool for this!
If they don't understand how they made you feel, they are not your friend. They just might be trying to make themselves feel better by making you feel bad. Time for a new friend.
@@cl8759 So it's okay to talk to a therapist but not to a friend with therapeutic qualities? Once I pay money for something, it's not gossiping anymore? And yes, some people are not open to criticism even if it's said in a nice way. But I must admit that being more straightforward about things blow off steam better. I know actually about narcissists (oh well, abusive people, sorry Anna, I will use more euphemisms from now on 🙃) who tell their victims "not to gossip" so these victims don't get to hear the insights about their situation from a third party, therefore don't find out they are being gaslit and abused.
@@elonever.2.071 That's true, but sometimes the frustration lingers, even if you already kicked somebody out of your life. And in some cases you are not able to remove somebody from your life.
@@annebos4634
Warning people of toxic personalities and gossiping are two different ways of approaching the problem. A warning is a short emphatic sentence. Gossiping is a short story (maybe a novel) with all the juicy unnecessary details.
Often therapists are for people who dont have very close friends to bounce concerns and frustrations off of. And one of the first things you have to learn is about personal boundaries. Having someone else tell you what you can and cannot say is a violation of personal boundaries; maybe you have to learn the 'gray rock' method of dealing with toxic personalities.
WOW. THANK YOU
You're welcome!
Yes the key being someone I like and respect.
Exactly
It's a balance in the end, I guess! We shouldn't blame other people for something that we can change within ourselves, but people shouldn't victim blame, either! It's a hard line to play! I hope that people, including ourselves, can fine, a balance, one day!
Oh wow, this video highly resonated with behaviors I still do. Especially glossing over things or mistakes I made which are really bad. I never knew it could make the people around me trust me less, I also tend to get really triggered when my fam noticed my mistakes and would tend to shut down and stop listening to them halfway while they are talking to me.
You have a great deal of insight and I like your channel.
I appreciate that!
🌺🌺🌺mahalo... Appreciate your time & energy. How does a complete random click on your chanel....nailed it for me. I'm here...wow🌺🌺🌺 Ali
Welcome!!
Thanks for this
My pleasure!
In reality, birds of a feather flock together. Misery loves company. We seek out those we identify with. This being true, it is impossible to become self aware of any self-destructive behavior or impulse when everyone around you embraces the same behavior. Gossipy people love gossipy people. Judgmental people love judgmental people. Low self esteem people love low self esteem people. Full- of-themselves people love people full of themselves. Etc. The most important thing, and the hardest, is to change your tribe and be ready to relearn and rethink and realize that all along it's been you that carries the problem wherever you go. That the thing you most fear is self awareness and the hard, long, lonely work of self improvement. Beware of short cuts like drugs, legal or otherwise, or paying for a timeshare couch so someone else can give all the answers. What profits a shrink if, god forbid, he cures you and you stop paying?
You're right, and I have found that once we begin healing, and our feathers change, the friends & communities tend to change as well.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for this ♥️♥️♥️
Of course! Thanks for being here! - Ashley, Team Fairy