THESE Are the Traits Avoidants Are Attracted To The MOST
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- Опубликовано: 25 июн 2024
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In today's video, Thais Gibson shares what traits the avoidant attachment style (dismissive avoidant attachment style) finds most attractive. Watch now to learn more about trait variety and how to integrate traits as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "How To Master The Dating Stage of Relationships", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:02:22 - What Drives Attraction At The Subconscious Level
00:04:12 - Trait Variety
00:04:55 - Emotional Supportive
00:06:16 - Warmth
00:06:42 - Attachment Bootcamp Promo
00:07:41 - Selflessness
00:10:45 - Learn to Integrate Traits
00:11:33 - Conclusion
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #DismissiveAvoidant #DismissiveAvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachmentStyle #DismissiveAvoidantCourse #AvoidantTraits #TraitVariety #DismissiveAvoidant #AvoidantNeeds #UnmetNeeds
Wow. At the beginning of my relationship with my now avoidant ex, he kept saying, "I'm just so attracted to you. You're so open. No one is like that." I told him it took a lot of hurt and pain to overcome in order for me to be open and vulnerable, explaining my past and how people have hurt me. (He proceeded to use that information and do the same thing to me.) I was very supportive of his career moves he was making and in the end, my support and availability became "overbearing" for him. It was the last thing that ruined our relationship (among other things).
I like the twist on this video - it highlights the positive things about the individuals that draw in avoidants... instead of focusing on the negatives of having attracted them to begin with.
😂😂
True 👍 ✔
They attract their pet anxious person but won’t be their forever home.
I discovered this channel after I had my first experience with a dismissive avoidant, which was so confusing and painful to me. I have learned so much since I was ghosted 6 weeks ago, and these videos have helped me so much in coping with the hurt and multiple questions that I've had over his behavior. Thank you very much, Thais! I am still hurting but at least I understand now what and why things happened as they did.
Also 6 weeks removed from my dismissive avoidant. I feel your pain. Understanding her behaviors was the key.
I could have taught you what you needed to know in 3 letters.... "RUN". Don't beat yourself up, DA's don't exist on the same planet that we do.
Anxious avoidant here. Same story i got kicked out by her, my anxious partner just when the answers started to appear in our lives I catched them and wanted to fix attachment but she did not want to, very sad. She was already bonding with someone else from work, seeking approval and got it. I am still hurting but now I understand what and why things went as they did. Tried to explain it to her and to give closure and insight, but she got maaad , made it worse so I took off.
So what I take from this is, that if you're with an insecure attachment who is not willing to be introspective and do some work on themselves to heal their attachment through integration; you're just wasting your time and setting yourself up for heartache!
On and off again, rips my heart apart. Its hell on earth to go through.
It really is 😢
Just walk away from Avoidants when it's done. Walkaway, don't dwell, and I know that's hard, but it really is for the best.
Umtil Avoidants can do some serious work on themselves it will always be a lopsided unhealthy relationship.
You deserve a better person, and you just have to get to that place where you honestly believe you deserve and can do better. Much better.
So basically me in a nutshell 😭😭 I don’t want avoidants to be attracted to me anymore. I’m tired of being let down & feeling like I’m unfulfilled. It doesn’t help that I’m an FA so of course I’m going to push someone away.
Ummm ok. So what's wrong for you, is right for them? They can't push you away, but it's ok if you push them away, am I understanding that right?
@@hurricaneaquatics generally FA's will push more anxious leaning people away but will want more from a DA. It's part of the attachment.
@@hurricaneaquatics no you’re not understanding it right at all.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes that’s pretty spot on. Anxious seem to be too smothering & it reminds me of my narcissistic ex so I tend to shy away from that but avoidant go way too much the other way. I’d love to find someone that’s a happy medium. I guess that would be secure? I’m not sure.
@@nappyfrieshah, a secure person is actually consistently loving and exhibit s healthy behaviour. Exactly the kind of stuff that causes you guys to trigger. You guys aren't suited for relationships until you decide to heal and actually do the work.
Well done, very true.
So what initially will bring them in, will make them want to leave. Got it. Sounds like a walking contradiction
If you go back and listen, she said that anxious partners do this too. What they are initially attracted to is somewhat repelling a few months in. I think this is pretty universal upon all unhealed attachment styles.
She said this was true of ALL attachment styles. Go back and listen again.
Nope, Secure attached people love the positive qualities and guess what... they keep loving the positive qualities.
It's the Avoidants and Anxious which flip it back on you and make you the problem.
Is that why he said I dont want to be your caretaker? Meaning my emotional needs?
They self-soothe and take care of their own emotions so they expect others to do the same. I kind of sit in the middle with it. I've stayed single the majority of my life and handle my own, so why would I expect my partner to suddenly take all that on?
Avoidants are attracted to people they cannot get. It allows them to fantasize and live in their limerence forever.. That's all they could handle.. Anything real ,they start their destructive pattern sabotaging the connection causing terrible emotional pain and hurt to partner...
🙏🏻
I have a question for avoidants that broken up with their partners. What was the feeling that force you to do that, how long does it lasted, what you were thinking about ur partner at that time?
FA who broke up with a DA last January here. The feeling that drove me there was neglect. After many verbal and written promises his actions showed me I was a burden. I felt this shutdown strongly for a month. Because I loved him, I warmed up after that but of course he didn’t trust me. When I broke up with him I thought I can’t be in another relationship that feels so one-sided. I had poured into him more than anyone before and I could tell it was more pressure on him than appreciation.
FA here. I think she is/was healthy with some anxiety as she had abuse from her past in form of a certain religion pushed on her, abuse as a child, and abuse and being gaslight in her marriage. From my end, I always feel fear of losing someone, and can blurt things out I should not say and a kind of "just throw the baby out with the bathwater" mentality. Again fear, fear of losing. Better to push them away first. EVERY TIME including now. it has ended with them having had enuf and REALLY ending it. Painful for both sides, but probably some relief on the other side while on my side is pain, guilt, shame, trying to rewrite the past in my head and "get it right" and "do right by her" and SHOW UP. But of course the past is gone. That's kinda the hell that my life has been as an FA. And with long periods between partners.
I'm a FA (now secure) but it was different depending on who I was dating. If it was an anxious partner, they felt too clingy and didn't give me space. They also picked a lot of fights. With an avoidant it was they were either too avoidant or I just didn't know how to date someone so much like me. We both crave space yet I didn't like when it was done to me. LOL In either scenario, I didn't feel safe. Like turbulence on a plane and so I retreat. I had to join PDS and work on myself because I knew this was unhealthy.
Now that I'm more secure, I feel completely different about my past relationships. It's like looking through new eyes. I still feel the same about anxious men, but I have more of an understanding about avoidants hence why them and secures are my preferred choice.
Came here bc I'm a recovering FA but have reached a level where now I'm not interested by anyone, ivfeel perhaps DA (had my AP phase), but then if I do get interest I find out not long after that they're usually someone who has a gf or multiple interests (I've worked on my not chosen wound so... bit annoying). So that puts me off and I go back to neutral, but I can't yet work out why I'm still dismissing myself apparently? Bc I feel like I'm obsessed with myself and put me first (perhaps to an extreme degree where it's to an indulgent degree)
Is the shadow work a free course? I clicked on but then saw a course that was paid.
Things make much more sense now…unfortunately
So they love a Good person, and then they hate you for it later. Good to know. avoidants are to self-centered
That's so true
Maybe, but maybe not
It is heartbreaking to go through this bs. The stark contrast between feeling like you found a soulmate, to being stonewalled is like nothing I've experienced before.
Also sad how there's always lots of anxious or fearful people watching and commenting on these things, when the DAs are the ones who should be taking notes. I'd honestly rather be punched repeatedly than to go through stonewalling again, and I'm stuck wondering if she even knows how much it hurts to do that to people. Or maybe she knows and just still can't stop. Don't know which is worse.
@@vsnrm5451 preoccupied people tend to externalize emotions and process them externally, hence all their rude comments and seeking validation and comfort with others through comments.
Avoidants tend to internalize emotions and process them internally, hence they do not feel moved to engage in the comment section, because firstly they process alone and secondly it's a toxic environment with all the negativity
@@0Demiyah0not just anxious preoccupied making comments, far from it....
Sure support warm selfless
doesnt help much because
while avoidant is drawn to it in you
they avoid it in themselves..
a transcendent dynamic is simply: be nice + say no
express healthy boundaries civily. its your job to know what these are and stand
Which is good for any situation any attachment style
Honestly, looking at dozens of these videos I wonder if it's possible to fall too far down the rabbit hole. What I mean by that is whether or not we're going to be looking to label someone or simply pay attention to the signs that what we're looking for is not in the person we seek.
I admit I don't need much from my partners. I don't need validation. I don't need need an "emotional connection" (to be fair, I'm still not sure exactly what that means). I don't even need them to know everything about me (I don't share my thoughts all that much outside of my social media content). I just need quality time and physical touch. Everything else is extra because my expectations are in check.
All that said, I wonder if finding these labels and trying to navigate them to a destination (love) is going too far down the rabbit hole. It's akin to my self-defense training where I came up with more and more realistic drills for my clients (for example I actually fall on the ground and have my clients kick my mitts to simulate kicking a person in the head while they're down). Not saying anyone is wrong for doing this, just wondering if it can lead too far down the 🐰 🕳️🤔...
I don't know if I would describe that as "expectations in check." No offense but the things you list that you don't need IS what it means to be in a real relationship, imho. Physical touch and quality time can be gained from friends, with benefits or otherwise. I don't mean to diminish you in any way but I feel like it's important to point out. It's like saying that you want sushi except you don't need fish, veggies, nor soy sauce, all you need is rice. That's fine but rice alone doesn't count as sushi.
@@spikygreen with all due respect, what you're describing is what YOU need from a relationship with someone. I don't need those things because I've learned to be self sufficient without the help of another person. Just to give you a little background, I graduated high school as an advanced placement student, graduated as a TRIPLE major in college, and became an international martial arts champion while in college. In addition, I currently run (and am expanding) a very successful fitness/martial arts business that won the 2023 martial art school of year in my town. This despite only teaching private and small group lessons to under 30 students.
During the times mentioned above, I watched my older brother die, lived homeless sleeping in my car for three years, and failed three times building a martial art school before I got it right. In addition, I had two cars repossessed in the same YEAR. Coming out of these things and THRIVING taught me that hard work and determination would get me to where I wanted to be. When you overcome such hardships, you learn that YOU have all the power and anyone else helping is an extra bonus that you should be thankful for.
The problem with your sushi analogy is that it doesn't really describe what I'm saying here. It's actually MORE akin to saying I don't need as MUCH fish, veggies, or soy sauce in my sushi as you do in order to enjoy it. You may look at your plate and say "there's not enough fish, veggies, or soy sauce in my sushi," whereas I will get the exact same amount and say, "oh that's plenty for me!" Granted, you're correct in that you can achieve similar relationship goals with FWBs. In fact, some of my best romantic experiences have been with FWBs. However, it doesn't change the fact that you have to find what YOU want, not what others tell you what you SHOULD want. For me, less is more in relationships.
@@spikygreen everyone views relationships differently. There isn't a rule to it. What you might want and need doesn't equate to what we all need. Like OP, I don't need a bunch of fluff. I have a good circle of friends and family and a fulfilling career. I can meet my own needs and also, spread it around so it doesn't all get dumped on my partner. I feel like so many lose their individuality and ability to handle things themselves as soon as someone comes along. A partner is a bonus, not a necessity.
I went too far down the rabbit hole . Instead of saying hey this relationship isn't for me I was almost obsessively researching attachment theory and trying to figure out how to fix things and using it to convince myself that on some level my partner loved me but just couldn't show it.
@@rachhhh9722 well there it is...