Funeral Etiquette Guide - How To Behave, Dress Code + DO's & DON'Ts
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- Опубликовано: 15 дек 2015
- Learn the basics about funeral etiquette, how to behave, what to wear, and what not to do at funeral and memorial services. Read the full guide here: gentl.mn/funeral-etiquette
When you learn about the death of a loved one or an acquaintance, it's important to reach out to the intermediate family and express your condolences. The best way to do this is through a letter of condolence. No, this is not a Facebook message, this is a handwritten letter that is dropped in a mailbox. The core point of this is that you have a sincere, honest message that lets them know that you think about them and that you're sorry for them.
Historically, people also sent flowers because it helps to mask the odor of death and the not so perfect embalming process. Today, people send flowers because it's a sign of respect, sometimes though, people find it's a waste of money if they have too many flowers and in that case, what's always appropriate is to have a donation for the deceased favorite charity.
Sometimes, they have little cards at the visitation or at the funeral service where you can donate the money. It's really important to never send flowers if the deceased is Jewish and if you want to learn more about Jewish traditions, Buddhist traditions, Orthodox traditions or Muslim traditions, please check out our in depth guide about funeral etiquette on our website.
The next step is the funeral or memorial service, it's always a funeral service if there's a body and a coffin. If that's not present, it's called memorial service. This can also be the case if the body was cremated, we talk about memorial service, not a funeral service. The traditional funeral service is slowly but surely becoming extinct and it's often substituted with a celebration of the person's life and it always depends on what the deceased would have wanted or what he wished for. This event is not about you, attend the service, converse, talk to the family and leave.
At the service, you want to be respectful at all times. It's a tradition at a funeral to have a eulogy which is a heartfelt tribute to the deceased. If you're asked to give a eulogy, you should think about how to talk about the person in a complimentary and dignified way. This is about showing your last respect to a person, maybe shared memories or things that made him a great person.
Now one of the components of respect, especially at a funeral is dress code. Never wear jeans or a golf shirt, like slacks, shorts or anything of that kind for a funeral. It's simply disrespectful towards the deceased.
If the death occurred in your family, it is important to acknowledge the heartfelt sympathies in the cards you got. You want to tell people that you are thankful that they thought of you and again, it is best to express with a thank you card. A funeral is a very sad event and it is important to support the family, that you are subdued, you understand it's not about you but about the family and the ones who are left behind and so you have to do your best to support them and to show your respect and dignity.
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Sensitive topic presented in the most respectful way. Thank you
+thomas donaldson you are welcome! Please share it, I think many people can benefit from it.
Absolutely. I'm glad he changed the song too. Good man
thomas donaldson condolance to everyone who has lost their loved ones.
Well said, thank you Sir.
It's out of date because people send messages on the internet now. It's not disrespectful.
Hand written letters are like trying to hang on to the Victorian age.
Oddly this year I became much more interested in clothes and because of your channel and others like it I went out and bought a navy suit, black tie and white shirt, quality black leather Oxford shoes. My father saw me in this outfit and some months later passed away. I wore this same outfit to his funeral I'd like to thank you for curating this information so intelligently.
I am in the beginning stage, got me a stone colored coat, a white dress shirt, a brown flatcap and brown derby shoes. Now I am looking for a vest and suit jacket but gradiation is nigh and it's gonna cost me alot....
AA. AA. AA. All. Mon....
..
And please, please don't tell a surviving 28 year old daughter to get regular mammograms at the graveside service of her 58 year old mother who died from breast cancer. This actually happened to me and five years later it still sticks with me. 😕
@Nelson Robert Willismy condolences to you and your family. I hope the funeral was a beautiful send off for your dear sister. May she rest in peace. I send my love to you
That’s so fucking ignorant. I’m sorry you had to hear something like that while going through a tough time. (I’m not saying that everyone who says something like that is disrespectful. There are respectful and appropriate ways of going about it)
Good good. Let it stick with you forever. It might save your life someday. I'd go hug the person who said that to you. They truely love you.
YES PLEASE DON'T DO THAT
I’m sorry that happened to you. Some people feel awkward at funerals and say the most inappropriate things, even if they meant well. And, of course, some people are just jerks. Either way I hope you can let go of the pain eventually. Take care.
Well presented Sir. I am a funeral director and I appreciate this. It’s amazing to me how so many people today don’t dress for a funeral and yes, it does matter.
Depends if you are low class or upper class. Most upper class people won't wear jeans to a funeral.
@@Essays4College upper class wear black or leather jeans.
Hi; I just wanted to ask, what are the requirements for becoming a funeral director?
It can be a difficult situation for a man in rural areas (Wyoming, Montana, the Dakotas) who doesn’t have a suit. Driving hundreds of miles to buy a suit for a funeral can be too much for a lower income person.
It's disrespectful to the dead, how are they going to find out. 🙄
Rip uncle John
Brilliant!! :-)
He had some nasty farts though
He had many problems with women aswell
@@r3ml3p41too many to mention 😢
Top notch video about a very difficult subject. Nicely done sir.
+TheSouthcountykid Merci
I watched this video the first time back in November when my grandmother passed. The only exception was to wear my maroon and white striped tie because my grandmother loved the tie. I just want to say thank you Rafael for this video
I am preparing for the funeral of my Uncle. He is my Uncle John funnily enough.
Thank you, you were a great man. RIP.
Honestly, same my Uncle John just passed and I came here to prepare. Life has a funny way of working out huh?
Thank you. I will be more than prepared for my fathers funeral this Mon. 18,2019 he was 79.
I want his service tasteful and elegant. Your video helped me tremendously. 🎈
If you’re the dead one in a funeral, its impolite to move
Haha
Lol dark humor
hahahahaha
YOU'RE TERRIBLE 😂😂😂
Thank you for the advice, I'll keep that in mind during my funeral tomorrow.
I live in New Orleans and we have lots of jazz funerals here. My uncle wore a yellow fedora to the funeral.
+JuliusCaesar500 At the end of the day it is a personal event. If the deceased was an artist and wore nothing but colors and he always wanted a colorful funeral with Jazz music, then by all means, go ahead and do that. However, most funerals aren't like that.
Pius X the funeral/memorial is how we honor the deceased. If you are not taking their wishes into consideration when attending one then you are not honoring the individual.
I would add that I have read that an important part of funeral etiquette is for friends of the deceased not to obtrude too much on the immediate family, but to keep a respectful distance, unless invited otherwise.
Agreed. In this case, let your simple, well mannered presence speak volumes for you.
Always so classy with your delivery of almost every subject for proper men’s behavior and attire.
DISCLAIMER: this is not the time to talk about the farts of uncle john.
My name is John GUYY and I’m know for this
Well, it kind of depends on who you, uncle John, and his relatives are. When me and my relatives were at the hospital to have a final look at my grandmother who had just passed away, we talked very nostalgically about what she had done and how she had been in life, which for us obviously included mentioning and laughing about her increadible snoring. It was a very beautiful and comforting session for us all and I got to hang out with relatives who live far away and therefore don't see very often, especially not together at the same time.
Very well done and in a respectful manner. My deepest respect for your work and very pleased to be your follower.
Brilliantly presented, timely and sensitive. Your choice of music solidified the effectiveness of your information.
Great video, it helped me a lot. One addition. In Sweden (and maybe other parts of Europe as well??) a plain white tie is also appropriate to wear if you are a close relative to the deceased. A black tie works too, but from what I have understood that is more for the other attendants. These are the recommendations they give on Swedish funeral-sites. Anyway, thank you for handling this delicate subject so well.
Absolutely lovely video, presented in such a beautiful and respectful manor. Thank you so much.
Well presented Sir....i remember the day back in 2012 when my nephew died....sometimes i still cry after remembering that incident.....i appreciate this video.....!!!
+Mandeep Baweja Thank you.
Sehr schönes Video! Ich fande es sehr gut, dass sie so ernst geblieben und respektvoll damit umgegangen sind, Herr Schneider!
Grüße aus Stuttgart
~Dario Marić
Hello, brand new to your channel and I am really enjoying your videos. I’m a funeral director and I must say I’m very VERY impressed with this video. Thank you so much for covering this topic, it’s such a sensitive situation that I’ve had a lot of people ask me about, you presented the subject beautifully and it made me smile 🙂 thank you very much, sir.
I'm a big fan of the channel anyway but I was particularly impressed by how you addresses this topic.
I’ve just been to my pals funeral today it was very sad and your video helped me to prepare for the service 👍
Yes, have *respect* at my funeral.
Thank you. Got back and everything went well. My favorite piece of advise was to talk to the family and then leave.
A very classy video.
I'm sure you've helped many people through tough times with this.
As someone inexperienced to this but who knows a friend with a terminal disease, thank you. A welcome change of pace for the video.
Very important topic which I dealt with last year. We had a memorial service before a cremation and no funeral. We were honored that people came by in whatever they were wearing as many came to/from work. It is a small town and some people actually took time off work. Many didn't know to sign the guest book or to turn off their phones. The deceased had hated flowers and specifically requested no flowers at the service, he requested donations to his church. We assured the funeral home listed this in the announcements and when people contacted them for details. I was surprised that many ignored this and even called and argued with his widow. He had requested closed casket and they bullied her into open casket, which cost her and extra USD1000. Thankfully the chaplain who did the memorial service also knew the deceased request (he had many visits before the man's passing) and the situation and took the flowers to the church so the widow would not have to deal with them. A couple family relationships have still not recovered. I suspect that people are not learning about how to deal with the situation, it needs to be discussed more often.
I'm not well versed in these kinds of things. Thank you for posting the video. It was very helpful in a time of need.
During my aunt’s funeral service, the priest kept mispronouncing her name 4 different ways: Alice, Elise, Eleanor and Ella. My sister finally stood up and yelled at him: “Her name is ELSIE!”
Oof
Very well said. Thank you for doing a nice professional video like this. Its a very hard time.
In my hometown in Appalachia, it's a tradition to bring homemade food to a funeral. I'm sure a lot of cultures do that but it was odd going to a funeral and not being expected to bring food for the family
This video is excellent help for me during a very difficult time. Ty.
This video was made very appropriately and respectfully. Thank you.
Great Video of Funeral Etiquette
In our South-African culture,on the day of the Funeral,the coffin or casket of the deceased arrives either at the House,or Church,and then it is opened for viewing for at least 1 hour or 30 minutes,and then it is closed before it leaves the House to the Church,or before the opening procession inside the Church.
I found this video very helpful. Tomorrow I have to go to a funeral. I have a dark navy suit for just such an occasion, but it's not terribly suited for August weather. I could wear my summer suit or one of my summer blazers, but the colour schemes for those don't seem sombre enough for a funeral. I'll figure out something, but it made me think that if you're looking for a new topic to cover, doing a video on appropriate hot weather funeral attire would be timely, especially considering the fact that there will be many men attending funerals for COVID-related passings right about now.
Thank you for your sensitive and detailed video
A very respectful video. This point is probably not going to affect most people but if anyone is tempted to wear a stroller suit/stresemann (black jacket and cashmere striped trousers) though historically and technically this would be accepted at a funeral, if you wore that at a funeral in the UK (in my case Scotland) you might be confused for an undertaker and thus one of the funeral organisers. Mourners now tend to wear dark suits and organisers wear strollers
Positively illuminating. I love this video.
Very well done in a respectful way. I like how you said it twice: “This is not about you.” That’s really important!
I would beg to differ with a couple of statements though......and I realize that funeral customs differ tremendously throughout the world.
First, you state that traditional funerals are gradually becoming extinct. While it is true that celebrations of life are becoming very popular, I don’t think traditional funerals will ever die out completely. Second, you stated that you shouldn’t be talking to anyone. While that certainly applies during the formal part of the service, my guess is that you have never attended an Irish wake! When you approach the next of kin to say your condolences, if you were in any way close to the deceased, or if you have come a long way, they will usually invite you to the family home. The family generally wants to have all their friends and relatives around them and they recollect, eat, drink and sometimes sing into the evening. My mother in particular used to enjoy these events, so when my parents died I made sure they had a good wake!
I think when he said “Don’t talk to anyone”, I think he meant to not talk to someone over the phone who is in no way part of the service.
Thank you for your guidence. Did have any idea of what to do. Thanks indeed.
Very well presented with respect and dignity. Thank you.
Bravo. Fantastic video!
Excellent. I think this will really help some people. Well presented.
Well said. Very respectful.
Thankyou 🌷
Thanks for that, it was very tasteful and informative, as are all of your videos.
+Paul Verrangia Anytime.
In my country usualy the funeral is divided in 2 parts. The wake, a place where the people who knew the deceased pay their respects, and the funeral, usually just atended by the family or really close friends of the deceased.
Usually the whole service is relatively casual compared to american funerals, as long as you wear dark'ish clothes you're fine, and usually the funeral home has a kitchen where people gathers and talks about the deceased and eat and drink something. When you leave the funeral home you pay your repects to the deceased.
In my aunt's funeral most of the people there didn't wear black but they still showed respect to her by saying their condolences. I wore a black shirt and jeans since I couldn't find my dress pants.
Thank you very much for this video. I have shared it.
Great vid guys thanks. Worked for me.
Well done. Thank you, as usual.
My great ant just pasted away the day in writing this, thanks for all your help.
Excellent advice, thank you
You are welcome!
Beautiful, well done. M.
Very nice video. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for this informative video. I put an inappropriate outfit back in my closet and pulled my black suit. Much appreciated.
Beautiful video.
Very nice video. Well done.
Thank you for sharing.
The music is beautiful❤
Well done.
Well said, indeed. If I may ask, I would like to know the name of the dirge or melody? And thank you for uploading these well-made videos.
+oliver lönnberg Yes Oliver, the name of the melody would be great indeed :)
Did you find the song? I searched about one hour but I only found fast remixes using the melody
Would a dinner jacket be appropriate? I suppose the lapel facings would seem off at such an event but if that's the only black suit you have would it pass?
Informative video!
I am an Embalmer this helps me alot!!!❤️❤️❤️⚰️⚰️⚰️⚱️⚱️⚱️💯🪦🪦🪦
Well said,,thnks..
Very good. Thank you
This is a big culture shock for me.
In my country, we just wear regular clothes for funerals.
Thanks for the information, my friend.
We got lot's of these; when my Maternal Grandparents died (in Late January 2021 from the deadly Coronavirus pandemic; they died a week apart). We didn't know that there could be some many people paid their respects.
I do wish that you had a ladies channel also. I have no clue about style or fashion.
You have however just helped amencly for my husband too be. Thank you.
Thank you G Easy
Thank you!
One thing you mustn't do: compliment the catering of the funeral.
Really. A guy in my college died, and I went to his funeral to sing (I was part of the church chorus then), after a few weeks, I found the family in a restaurant, met them and said "the service was so nice, I loved the juice".
It was very cringy, I don't know why I said it but it sticks with me.
Great Video!
The Queen diet today. I want to at least honour her death by showing a little bit of elegance, since she was the symbol of elegance and dignity. Honestly the news is heart-breaking. We all shall honour the queen in some way. I believe that an elegant lady should be treated with elegance even, after her passing. That’s why I ended up here. Thank you for showing me how to property say my last goodbyes.
Great respect to you and your explanation.😄
Times post-COVID this hits differently. Just yesterday I found out that a person I knew in my childhood died of the virus and then her husband followed about a month later. I kinda wish I would have been invited to the funeral.
Very nice content yet again. I have a question. Can you wear golden cufflinks and braces instead of belt?
Emotional and subtle video. Great.
At an "Orthodox" Jewish Funeral, After the Eulogies everyone waits for the Mourner to start the conversation. Then after the burial there is 7 Days of Mourning at Home. The Mourner does not work that week and Prayer Services are held throughout the week at the Mourner's home where people can come and listen to the Mourner talk about the relative.. People provide meals for the Mourners so that they will not have to cook or do anything.
Cool video. I will keep these things in mind for future reference.
This is wonderful, but I don't have most of those clothing items, and the memorial servive I'm going to is in the summer with 90° to 100° weather. So, most of those items won't work. I still don't know what to wear.
TY
Thank you very much for such an informative video during such a sad time. May I please know the very moving melody/classical piece playing during the video?
+Joey H Thanks. You find the composer in the credits at the very end.
Did you find the song? I searched about one hour but I only found fast remixes using the melody
Thank you 🙏
+Cyrus You're welcome.
3:21 it says in the subtitles "and you should be talking to anyone, you should listen and participate"
but you say "you *shouldn't* be talking to anyone, but you should listen and participate"
The Farts of Uncle John is going to be the name of my new hipster folk band.
Well done and helpful, thanks
I am a psychopath, and my nan had recently died, as of this message her funeral (memorial service) is coming up and I didn't know how to act at a funeral since a) I am a psychopath and b) its the first funeral I haver ever been to, so this has really helped thank you.
I will be wearing a purple tie since the theme of the service was purple my nans favourite colour.
Rip to my late mother Miah Marie Zephier. 06/09/1972-07/02/2023 😢
Real things i've seen: suggestions based on observation of over 100 funerals.
Do not put the casket in the back of a truck with the tailgate down and think 4 guys can hold it while going up a mountain!!. Since that won't work please don't have the 5th guy lay across the tailgate with his body to block the casket from going out of the back of the truck!!! Leave your cell phone in car. Ditch the casual look, PLEASE drop the gothic for a day!! or forever would be best! Don't get in a fist fight in the Funeral home or on the front row of the service, Don't come inside smelling like weed, or bud. or throw up in the funeral home from too many pain pills
don't curse at family or the pastor or priest at the grave side,
So when they ask you to play MUSIC(OR YOU IMPOSE YOURSELF TO PLAY)at the grave side. it's not your turn to play like your Guns and Roses, (IDIOT)
One dream team pulled up their trucks and played "we love this bar"
Meanwhile the poor mother, A very religious woman, Screamed and screamed in sorrow!
Please! don't wear flip flops and shorts as a PB,
MY SOUL MAN: AT A SUICIDE funeral DO NOT STICK A CIGAR AND BEER BOTTLE IN THE CASKET ::Be respectful of the Family! & Parents.
GET OUT of your PJ's!!!
and girls please wear more than a shirt, you may think it's ok at a funeral since everyone at the bar loves it. (BUT IT'S NOT)
Don't tell the love ones you know how they feel if you haven't experienced that kind of loss!
if your not religious: when you feel the need to have some religious leader help you. DON'T CURSE OR SCREAM AT THEM FOR being "religious"!
Matter of a fact: why don't you just get the stinking bar owner to preform the funeral!
If your over emotional teen is going to a funeral of a suicide, or tradgic teen death.
please go with them! It is a sick thing to see the poor mother, of the deceased, having to tend to the emotional needs of "friends" when they have suffered such loss.
(these people seemingly grieving more than family members--- overemotinal reaction is selfish attention seeking.)
One mother told me: "these (people-that's not what word she used) think it's their funeral to run. IT's NOT! My Child is dead!"
otto man Wow those are some interesting funerals you've witnessed.
otto man And rlly rude people to have to deal with. Kudos to this person.
Thank you for this post. It's really helpful
Was that all the same funeral?
In sweden it is tradition to wear a white tie with a white shirt instead of a black tie if the individual is very close to you. Thoughts on this?
R. I. P Uncle John, 🙏💐🖤
I have a serious question.
I lost my Oma, my Dad his Mutter. Me and my Vater love bright ties, neither own black nor own a black sport coat. Worse, all my Vater's are light coloured summer sport coats. My Vater being allergic to wool and advanced in age certainly not going to go out and purchase or be able to rent. I have a Schwarz Grün sport coat, would this be acceptable for him?
I want him for once in his life to be dressed appropriate (he a mere splinter compared to my log), as this might be the last family gathering while he is alive, plus take off one stress in his difficult time.
Danke.
what gloves to wear or overcoat if your outside during funeral?. what style hat or umbrella?.
Why do most of the dress shoes you present come with an open lacing system?
A friend of mine just passed recently, I'm 17 and I don't own a suit or even know where to get one, any help please
I need an answer asap...Can i wear grey/black corduroys with Timberland Dark Tan boots? Should i shave?
Thanks
Hey Sven where can i get a nice quality black suit thay is not too expensive?
Is it necessary or should I be obligated to go to the reception after the funeral? I invited my best friend but she didn’t go to reception after my moms funeral, now that her dad has recently passed she is inviting me too but I personally don’t want to attend the reception I find it hard to eat,unless I’m really hungry , right after a funeral ⚰️