Controlling Behaviors that Push People Away and How To Turn Them Around
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- Опубликовано: 29 авг 2024
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Nobody likes people who are controlling. But when you grew up with trauma you end up more likely to become controlling, and/or to be entangled with people who are controlling (not surprising when your childhood environment felt OUT of control!) In this video I show you some subtle forms that control and how to turn them around.
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I stepped away from a friend who criticized me all the time. I talked to her about it and she kept doing it so I quit the friendship. My self worth has gone up and up ever since! It’s so worth it to walk away!!
Thanks for sharing that with us! I've had similar experience :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
👏👏👏😼
When it comes to friends who criticise you or you want to give a friend criticism ask your self first if it's necessary, if it's truthful and if it's constructive. Only then can you give or receive criticism and it must be done tactfully and not too often. I've come across people I hardly knew criticising me the first time we ate out together or I visited them. I made sure I never saw them again after asking why they wanted to hang out with me when they thought that about me.
Jealous! I cannot wait to start the stepping away process. Stepping away with my heart open. Without weird anger or resentment on my part.
Didn't it feel like a weight was lifted from your shoulders? One in which you didn't know was even there in the first place.
We, who have PTSD or CPTSD, keep hoping that by controlling our environment we will prevent future attacks. "If we could just work hard enough things will never go crazy again." It is hard to know the fine line between teaching and micromanagement.
Yes! Your comment is exactly what I was thinking!
I went the other way and cut everyone out of my life now in trying to figure out who i am now that I'm not the chief problem solver doormat high and mighty know it all. Sucks but i funny get manipulated anymore and I can now have time to make new friendships that are healthy
@@MrsravenNuts Being present will help you make new friends. We who have CPTSD often create families out of friends.
@@MrsravenNuts same
Yes this is exactly how I feel…that’s why I just need to live alone forever 😂
Feigning 'concern' is a form of gaslighting. I withdrew swiftly from a situation where I was constantly being misread by a person who passed on their 'expert' opinion to everyone else around them. I'm thankful to the Crappy Childhood Fairy for teaching me how to recognise this tactic x
Is there a video on it? This happened to me too
Reminds me of social worker who instead of helping me with my problems she would shame me. She would say, I wish you wouldn't carry all that weight around. I wish you could put it down.
It was her job to help me putting it down. But she just shame me and I felt the need to play happy in the hope she would help me
Doing the opposite would be enabling and codependency, though.
Yes, thank you for this.
It's creepy when it happens.
You just know there is insincerity, and is somehow being used to make you feel weak.
Whoa. I never knew that...TY
I struggle with this. I sometimes thought I was being a good friend if I was honest and provided insight. But sometimes I've taken it too far.
Me too 🤦🏼♀️🥰🤷🏼♀️🙏🏽
@graceypants we all have and we can become more self-aware :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes, I've made this mistake several times. The worst time was about two years ago, and I could practically SEE how what I'd said settled on my cousin's shoulders like another burden she now had to carry. It didn't help her at all because she wasn't ready to hear it! It was just another thing to worry about in the back of her mind. I still don't think that I was incorrect in my insight, but it did not help and so I should not have said it.
I felt terrible, as that was not my intention at all! But that experience has really taught me to bite my tongue whenever I get the urge to advise someone. If I must say something, I let only the slightest hint out first. Then if the person wants to hear more, I say another tiny bit. If not, I zip my lip. I really don't want to be the person who adds to someone's burden.
Whenever someone is not clear about what it is they expect from our conversation i just ask them: whether they just wanna vent/talk to sort their thoughts, _or_ rather like to hear my opinion _or_ if they want my advice.
Helped me a lot.
I would also add that some people use guilt tripping as part of it, as in "I did this for you, why can't you do this other thing for me? Is it too much to ask?"
Yes!
I lose my appetite when pple surprise me with offers of prepared food for this reason.
I can't even IMAGINE anyone saying that to me...
@@LMorganReynolds I can't imagine someone NOT saying this to me. I'm trying to re-train my brain not to be susceptible to it. It was one of my mother's favorite guilt trips. She'd throw anything and everything at you, but that one had frequent flyer miles.
I did this once. After people pleasing, ignoring my needs and trying to keep the peace by being a doormat all my life I got frustrated by a friend who took advantage of that and when they didn't do something I asked I got so hurt after all I'd given. I think it was hard to accept that fairness as we know it ( giving and getting) is a lie. While it's nice, I had to accept that me giving to everyone won't mean that people will be nice in kind but instead will just walk all over me. I'm learning to give because I want to be nice, not because I HAVE to like I'd been taught but also accept that nobody is going to be nice to me just because I'm nice or whatever. It's a hard lesson to learn but niceness is a choice I make cause that's who I want to be, but I still have to anticipate it meaning nothing to people.
Good topic. I have all too often tried to sneakily change people. And recently recognized this behavior as controlling and toxic. Working on it! I am instead trying to learn and enforce my boundaries with others so that I don’t need them to change.
Great strategy!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I can relate. I wasn't always like that but in the past year or so after some trauma piling on top of my childhood trauma I was trying to control a friend to give me what I needed to feel better rather than giving myself the healing. I feel like a POS now that I realize it but I'm trying to be better
@Dr. bandito "reinforce boundaries so others don´t need to change".... i liked that, thanks
Yeah I’m subtle ways I have tried changing other peoples especially those toxic ones I used to always catch myself saying change your behaviour or even giving any form of unnecessary advice to anybody because of how controlling they were it sounded toxic to me for a while..
I grew up in an alcoholic home and I developed a lot of these skills and habits. At 55 years of age, I’m grateful to say I’ve been working on changing these behaviours.
That's great!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Bless you..when we live in houses like that as children..if we control ( when we get old enough)..it's a form of protection..cuz as a child we can stop an parent frm molesting or beating us
Same my mum was an abusive piss head my dad vile and full of toxicity even in adulthood there are plenty of toxic people that can drive you to drink and drive you insane it's called carrying the karma of our ancestors 👉😣🤦🏻♂️
Yea!
It's always a breath of fresh air when I see an older woman working on herself and being self conscious. In my experience the older generation usually justifies the behavior of their parents and their own because "this is how people did things in the past" and "I've been like this for my entire life and am not going to change now"
When I finally accepted my friend's drinking for what it was and just stated to them that I cared for them no matter what it changed the nature of the friendship and lifted a huge weight. I still kept my boundary of not being around them when they were super drunk but I didnt cut them off otherwise. They still had a lot to offer as a friend and a lot going on in their life besides binge drinking and my judgement wasnt helping them stop.
This is a great example of what I'm saying.
Sounds like you believe you can change others' behavior.
They still had alot to offer as a friend? Like what?
Lot going on in their life than just binge drinking? Haha addictions kill, they take over and leave nothing . They affect every part of your life. They destroy relationships, careers, families.
@@ProfessorGothic I agree with you. Alcoholism is a serious problem. I'm not saying we can change an alcoholics behavior, but the family has to be honest with the alcoholic, try to get help for him/her. There is no living with an alcoholic.
As a child, I gave the silent treatment. I had asked my sister to tell me about myself since I can't remember my childhood. She told me I was delayed in speaking and started to speak around 4 years old. Idk what trauma I sustained, but anytime I am around my family my mind and body changes. I get impatient and angry around them...I don't want to talk much either. It is as if I turn back into that kid again
I do that too sometimes. It’s a bit frustrating.
My ex father in law was one of those people who would always tell everyone how to live their lives no matter if they wanted to hear his opinion or not. Then he wondered why he had no friends. I’m glad he’s no longer in my life.
preach
@kalimba508 we've all known those types!
-Cara@TeamFairy
When we 'forget' to text back, or we arrive late, or last-minute we change the date or time...it s sometimes because we feel we re being controlled, and we try to escape it.
Sometimes trying to change someone else’s behavior is easier than changing one’s own behavior, haha! Do as I say, …
It also keeps the controlling person from having to focus on themselves when they are so busy meddling in other people's lives.
@@healerscreek exactly!
@@healerscreek this is what I say about my mother in law all the time. She's very quick to critique my every move but when I give her the same energy she gets very visibly annoyed.
Bingo!
Yes!
I'll be blunt:
I don't like hearing about people's problems (except my wife) unless they want ideas for solutions. I am not someone's emotional toilet. I don't care for this trend of "just listen and don't judge"...I'm not an enlightened being and I'm not a $200/hr therapist. If you're going to dump your emotional poo all over people, best to ask if they're ok with it first.
I feel the same... people actually use me as their emotional dustbin..
@@aswathyp4238 Politely say that you can't listen at this time and may be available at another time and wish them well.
Absolutely valid. If I need to talk to someone I tell them I've got heavy stuff to talk about and ask if they're in a position to hear and help. Then I have to be honest with myself about whether this is just a vent or a request for advice. If it's the former, sometimes I can just journal about it and do something to soothe myself and I'll be fine. If it's the latter then I need to be ready to hear what that person has to say. If I need to vent I say that's what I need to do and that no advice or fixing is needed. But again, I still need to check in with that friend to make sure it's a good time to do that. And then respect if that friend isn't ready for that type of conversation.
Do your male friends do this? Or is it mostly female friends? I am curious because there is a theory about general differences between women’s and men’s communications.
@@pamelaroyce5285 male friends, mostly. There seems to be a correlation between the frequency and volume of complaining and how heavily narcissistic they seem to be. That stands for females also. I don't think it's fair to make any assumptions from my experiences, though, as the large majority of my friends are male.
How do you stop being attracted to controlling people?
I feel like I owe everyone an explanation even when not asked!
Recognize it when it happens, then don't do it. It's about being conscious.
In theory, if you really take up responsibility for your healing, your reactions, your emotions, in time you notice that you don't owe anything to anyone in this regard. You probably overexplain because you are afraid to be misunderstood/rejected. A trusting person will accept you without a big explanation, and only ask if necessary or overly interested. In theory, that is...
Baby steps I'd guess. You've recognized the problem so now you just have to work on it...step by step. You'll get better at it & it will get easier.
@@RedusSeptimus awesome explaination
Oh gosh, the sleep thing. I've been so guilty of that with my kids, especially when I was super depressed, and I can see how much it has eroded their trust in me and created anxiety in my son especially (not just because of that). Taking care of myself and my health has really helped in this area and if I am tried in the afternoon now I tell them I need 20 minutes to lay down and rest without interruption, then I set a timer and do not go over the time. After that I make sure to do something with them and engage, like going on a walk or cooking dinner with them. They now leave me alone and I am able to recharge with some quiet because they trust that I will get up instead of spend the rest of the evening in bed and ignore/neglect their needs.
Wow that was pure honesty and it was wonderful. Thank you!
Thank you so much for addressing this issue. I actually recently cut off a narcissistic "friend" who would send me emails and leave voice messages, starting out with, "I'm concerned" ...that you haven't bought a new house yet. Blah, blah blah". This was during a time when I had just escaped an abusive relationship and was just trying to build my life and savings up again. I told her that my finances were absolutely none of her business and I'll buy again when I'm good and ready, with zero guilt on my timing. I also had a toxic boss who would start our 1:1's with that creepy phrase, "I'm concerned" ... because you're not working weekends, and you'll never make it in this job if you don't put in 7 days per week." What a bunch of gaslighting BS. lol. I quit that job after the last straw drove me to mental breakdown. My token epiphany: I've learned to quickly shut people down who are "concern shamers" - because they are are not truly concerned, they are gas-lighting narcs who want to make you feel badly and insecure about yourself.
Woo hoo!! You go @Ann!!
Controlling with mood can also include the constant clown or party type who complains that you're boring or a party pooper if you won't get on board the 'fun train'. If someone doesn't want to join in fun, let them be. Not everyone HAS to be in the congo line.
Don’t you love it when they get mad at you for not taking something as a joke? Ha. A better way to respond when the joke didn’t go over is to say “I can see that wasn’t funny to you” or “maybe I shouldn’t joke about those things” or even just stop talking. Anything but yelling-I mean, if you were in such a happy, jokey mood five seconds ago, why are you now in my face? Right?!
@mz_molly I love that imagery :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
This really hits home. I'm struggling with two relationships right now that are triggering me way off the charts. But if I peel back the layers, it's all my own BS that I want them to adjust for. One doesn't remember my triggers, keeps mentioning them and I feel betrayed. A quiet storm rages inside of me. The other is living recklessly and might end up in the psych ward or have their child taken away by the state if they don't slow down. I admit I get unreasonably upset over them (anxiety attacks). I project my regrets and resentments onto them. I'm constantly giving them unsolicited advice. Yikes. Who do I think I am that they should do what I say? 🙈
That can be a helluva mirror..I wondered the same.
@@ProfessorGothic Well it's tough in this situation bc she's not harming the baby directly. She has been having bipolar mania and leaving the baby with grandma 3-5 days out of the week to go on adventures and meet guys. She thinks the universe is leading her to her twin flame. All it takes is grandma to call CPS to say she's being an unfit mother and take custody. They already have tension over who takes better care of him. He's not malnourished as far as I can tell but she's stopped feeding him meat because he's an "indigo child" and meat is bad for them. She gets her information from new age and conspiracy theory sources.
I have a situation in my life where I have communicated boundaries and they either forget or don't care. At what point would you say it is best not to stay in a situation where our boundaries are continually threatened?
@@leopardchicken When you no longer feel good about the situation, when you no longer feel that setting boundaries is going to help. Mind you, if setting the boundary is still something you ask them to do, it’s not really a boundary.
Example. My father would go visit my sister, drive all the way up to her town at the appointed time, and she wouldn’t be there. He would wait in his car, maybe for an hour. Then he would get angry. He asked her to be on time. It didn’t work.
His new strategy was he did NOT get angry, but he also didn’t sit and wait. If she wasn’t there he would drive home, and if she called him up angry, he would not be in the least perturbed, and merrily tell her that since she wasn’t there, he had left.
The fact that he wasn’t angry but did his own thing whether she liked it or not made it so strong.
So he didn’t set a boundary when he asked her to be on time, and he was unhappy. When he finally set the boundary, he felt fine.
So if you’re not feeling fine, that may mean you haven’t really set the boundaries.
@@MuMu-fu7qe sorry but it sounds like you are trying to fix that family?
I ended a friendship because my “ friend “ would always say,, “ I don’t mean to change the subject “ meaning the subject wasn’t about her.. and I realized that I was her friend but she wasn’t my friend.
I relate!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Only realized this one recently, like a smack to the head by myself LOL
My friend does this. If I'm quick enough, I will try to interject, "Then don't," next time she's bored because it's not all about her.
I love the Crappy Childhood Fairy because she helps me become aware of all sorts of stuff, like hurrying or being hurried and how triggering that. (Probably an insidious form of control.) And I just became aware of Caroline Leaf and her methods of changing our own behavior and repairing our brains!
Thank you, Anna Runkle for guiding with honesty and an open heart!
You are so welcome!
Like a big last minute change they'd known about for weeks...so many years of that. I've had enuff. Really nice to have tools that are safe and effective. The Daily Practice rocks, am I right?
I found this fairy watching TedX Talks. I was introduced to those Ted Talks BY MY 17 Y/O SON because some of the videos were assigned by his Sophomore English teacher during the 2nd semester studies on "The American Dream" and "The Pursuit of Happiness". Absolutely love the Ted Talks videos and how they led me to this channel.
Controlling Behaviours:
1. Outsourcing responsibility
2. Concern shaming (little critism)
3. Avoid planes
4. Controlling with time (getting late)
5. Controlling with mood
(No communication)
6. Controlling with expectation
(Attacking s.o.)
7. Controlling with silence treatment
(very hurtful)
8. Controlling with sleep
(Others are waiting)
9. Trying to change people
(lots of pressure)
Dear Anna, thank you very much for this clarification. I found your channel just a few weeks ago and I am very grateful. I really like your honesty and openness. Your practical advices are indeed very helpful. I already tried your program of writing and I was very surprised that I could write so much in a very short time.
Like you I need practical things to do because talking often makes me sad or confused.
Many regards to California from another Anna, but from Germany 😉
I wouldn't want them to _nag_ me, but I wouldn't want people in my life to sit back and watch me engage in unhealthy or destructive behavior without saying anything to me or encouraging me to be a better version of myself. This intimate connection and trust are what differentiates my personal relationships with friends and family from those on the periphery and mere passers-by on the street.
Exactly. You can ASK others to change You can encourage them. But you can't FORCE them.
Agreed. This is the part that I find very difficult. How do you express concern without being controlling? I have a rule for myself that if I see something that concerns me I will tell the person one time and then drop it. However, after watching this video now I'm concerned about my own behavior. Is that tactic controlling? I don't bring it up again if they continue to do what concerns me and I only discuss it further if they come to me to talk about it. I want my loved ones to be open w me if they see me engaging in unhealthy behaviors. Not that I want them on top of me about it, but to let me know if there is something I may need to work on that I might be missing. Ugh.
Gold
@@agglyusr I think we need to be extremely honest with ourselves. Deep down, I know when I am being controlling.
On the other hand, I've started to accept there's no purity here. I'm sure everyone is a bit flawed, a little over-stepping, a little triggering. We all are a bit hurt and afraid. I really believe honesty is the key.
I agree and i think there is a difference between words and action. if someone just keeps saying they are concerned, worried etc. it can easily backfire or seem judgmental or even manipulative. genuine concern is followed up with actions or offers to help and be on standby if desired. most importantly we show care without saying we're concerned.
Yeah, this video is triggering me because my ex would try to control me with “caring” and sulk/ignore/dismiss/withdraw if he didn’t get what he wanted. It’s emotional abuse. He is always the victim, of course, because he can’t manipulate people 100% of the time.
@crissie_asmr I'm glad it's an "ex" :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Even though I had trauma I’m not controlling.. can’t stand controlling behavior, so limiting.
Thanks for commenting!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Very helpful, thank you. I also felt vulnerable today when I needed to assert myself on a matter with a hospital. The person I spoke to was nice and this was a problem in a way because I was so grateful that I hadn't caused a row that I didn't follow through on everything I needed. My need to avoid conflict makes me vulnerable to being manipulated by niceness!!!
I can so relate to this!
-Cara@TeamFairy
“I accept you, I love you, and I need boundaries from the criticism and concern shaming.”
Tell us more about how you might use this phrase!
“If they ask you that’s another thing”. Indeed!!!
Indeed!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Outsourced responsibility: “don’t trigger me” making rules for people and trying to influence what they say and calm your triggers.
Concern Shaming: trying to control other peoples life is a form of arrogance. Support people without trying to control them. ✅
People who avoid plans and schedules: rescheduling. Disrespectful of time ✅
Controlling with time: making people wait or getting upset for not being there right on time. Being demanding ✅
Sulking and controlling with mood: “I’m having a bad day don’t talk about that.” “Be quiet”
Controlling with expectation: disappointed when you’re not how they imagine you to be.
Silent treatment: communicate snd say that you will prefer to talk when you’re calmer.
Sleep: keeping people waiting while true sleeping. People have somewhere to be but you’re sleeping
Trying to change people: don’t try to fix or change people. They could be a smoker or drinker. Don’t assume people are asking for help. People can change their lives themselves . They don’t need you criticizing them. Provide live and support. They will come to you if you make them comfortable. ✅
Thank you so much for this video. I see a lot of these traits in myself. I have already started working on some of them but it’s crazy how I would always complain about controlling people, not realizing that I display some of these traits. I really like people being comfortable around me so I guess I have some work to do. You have a new subscriber. Keep up the good work. I really appreciate it 🥰❤️
Welcome to the channel!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I agree with these things. I would just say that some of us have actual medical conditions that make it hard to commit to schedules due to unpredictable flare ups of pain or overwhelming fatigue or other things. It grieves us to be in that position. It's not about just avoiding or not wanting to commit. It becomes stressful because we know that our issues can be frustrating for others. I actually find myself pulling back from committing to things because I don't want to make problems for the folks on the other end. though I would dearly love to be able to just go, yes, let's do coffee tomorrow at 10, and have confidence that my body won't kack out and do something that literally makes it dangerous to leave the house (seizure disorder here, among other issues).
I am also aware that it is easy to fall into the trap of just using the illness as an excuse not to engage. There have been times in life where I did that, but I have made concerted efforts to not do that anymore, to only cancel or reschedule when I have to. I don't like that my condition seems to have me instead of me having it and I don't like being unreliable. I don't want everyone else to cater to me, so if something at their event could be harmful to me medically (I get anaphylaxis from certain things), I just don't go there so they can all enjoy their event without the pressure and stress of having to accommodate me.
Appreciate that perspective!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Some of these remind me of narcissistic abuse I endured.
Glad you're here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I used to be on the receiving end of negative behaviour from people I hardly knew and would think that they were behaving in a way that should only be acceptable between close friends and family and they were ushering in 'closeness' by behaving like a close friend would. Now I realise that even close friends and family shouldn't even behave like that except when absolutely necessary and in a tactful way. Like being over critical or feeding back what a third party said or allegedly said about me that was negative.
It sounds like a lot of this stuff is simply what we would have called good or bad manners a few decades ago.
True!
I understand, It never stops. The song is never over. So hard to change my future when I keep getting goaded by the past.
Glad you are here
-Cara@TeamFairy
I’m distancing myself from someone who would be upset if I didn’t go along with their schedule. Offer constant advice I never asked for. Criticized everything I wore and what I did with my own life choices. Constantly put me down but back pedal when discussed. Controlled everything and everyone around them. Surrounded themselves with “yes men” type friends. Went silent when they’re upset and couldn’t express that they needed space. Just disappeared. Expecting me to still be around afterwards. Picks fights every day due to finding offense in everything I said. Wants everyone around them to be their idea of “perfect humans” and has high expectations and standards projected onto others. Rude and condescending. Bully and used insecurities against me. And their other friends alike.
I've done all of these. I never knew this was controlling behavior. My entire family is like this and it just what I grew up around. I never liked it being done to me but when I would do it, I felt at the time I was showing care for the other person by trying to "fix" or make them "better". Another part of it was that I subconsciously feared being yelled at our held responsible for someone else's emotions for not figuring out and meeting their needs preemptively. Understanding this now and just focusing on strengthening my boundaries and communication skills has greatly reduced the anxiety and depression I constantly felt now that I know its alright to just be and to let others be as long as they're not being abusive to you.
I totally relate
@Lekecia_Entrot thanks for sharing that experience, I have also been stuck in that cycle of trying to make better and fix
-Cara@TeamFairy
I realize even trying to get my partner to stop smoking is controlling.
This is a tough one.
It's not... I've been there, and I watched my grandfather die due to smoking... It literally destroyed my grandmother... Smoking used to be fashionable, now it's just a habit....
True, you can’t control another person, but you can set boundaries about where they can smoke (outside) or dispose of ashes (trash can with lid) and you can refuse to be around them when they have a lit cigarette. Boundaries around the behavior and the cigarettes rather than the smoker themselves. And you can offer them gum and try to support the smoker if they make the decision to quit. Your heart is in the right place. My partner was very annoyed by my smoking, but it’s an addiction only I could chose to deal with.
I think it's not either or, either they get their way and I'm miserable or I get my way and this person is angry at me for the foreseeable future. There's a middle ground, something those of us with CPTSD can have trouble recognizing. We do have the right to our wants, needs, or preferences, and we do have the right to ask our partner for these things. We do not, however, have the right to Should all over them in a bid to force the change we want. If someone is resistant to change, that's their right. And then it is our right to decide what we want to do with that refusal and what is or isn't a deal breaker item. If the problem is large enough, like say, being irresponsible with finances or adultery, it can cause relationships to end. It's all just information.
Absolutely control smoking! Ask your partner to choose: " It''s me or the cigarettes. You can't have both. You choose" When you're around a smoker your breathing second hand smoke. I'd absolutely control that!!!
Yes, "helping is a sunny side of control" :-)
I'll be forever grateful to the person on Twitter who made me discover this channel. Thank you for this channel and for doing all this. I hope it reaches more and more young people who need it the most.
Thank you so much!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow, so interesting that you mentioned controlling people with sleep. My ex would constantly sleep in on days they would make plans with me to do something and push it out farther and farther to where I was just waiting around. Waking her up or letting her sleep in was always a gamble because otherwise she would become angry. I also have controlling behaviors, but it was really interesting to hear that example.
My partner does this big time. Very frustrating.
Thanks @Wendy_Wolfe for sharing your experience
-Cara@TeamFairy
Is it ever possible that people can have anxiety, therefore insomnia and sleep issues, and then need to catch up on sleep that they miss sometimes? I had a jobplace that was very toxic and stressful for me for years, and had a lot of anxiety related to that which kept me awake on weekdays and then I would end up sleeping all weekend to make up for it. I would hate to have had my partner accuse me of trying to control them through sleep when I was simply trying to survive a very toxic and miserable situation I felt trapped in
@@peepsicle of course it is, you were struggling with your health and job... Some people also need more sleep than others, or have a different sleep cycle. My partner would do this even when she didn't have a job and I was supporting both of us. I tried to be understanding but at a point I just stopped believing her promises to have time together in the morning. I had to realize we weren't compatible.
This video just made me realize how this pandemic has awakened my inner control freak.
It’s hard to navigate socially in a world full of people who feel so strongly either for or against masking, vaccinations, etc.
I didn't have these control issues you speak about, but I did have strong boundaries. Some might consider that control issues.
But strong controlled boundaries were necessary for me to learn how to regulate my emotions during that 1st year and a half.
But another control problem ive found is offering unsolicited advice. Trying to control others outcome based on my pained past
I became aware of this amd make sure I stopped doing this.
I believe after surviving narcissistic abuse and extreme trauma that taking back our control is necessary.
I'm the beginning we are so dysregulated w emotions amd snappimg at people but those boundaries are exceeding important to enforce as uncomfortable as it is a people bc some of us w PE PTSD, you can literally die of adrenal failure if you dont enforve and control the environment ur in.
I've watched this video five times now and I keep spacing out at the parts that are relevant to my behaviours. Especially ''I heard about this book you might like''. I realise that I covertly think about people and how much better they would be if they only did this or that. Also, of course, I have friends who have controlling behaviours as well- so much easier to recognise theirs than my own ! I've been so terrified of being controlled all my life and I've always prided myself on not being a controlling person- but now I know that actually I am very controlling, I've just been hiding it from myself. Much work to do, but I honestly feel so much better, like something's been festering for years but has come out, at last. It's a relief. You explain things so well and with so much understanding, You're not threatening or judgemental at all, and I think that has enabled me to actually look at myself in an honest way. . Thank you. x
If you were truly a controlling person it would be impossible to make such a self-honest declaration! ;-)
Businesses and managers teach each other and are taught these different skills and ways to manipulate and control people. It's very strange
Ugh!
-Cara@TeamFairy
100%
Such a thoughtful piece as I learn to see old friendships with new eyes and learn to navigate the truth that there are no perfect friendships, but good ones seem to offer opportunities for change, reflection, introspection, joy and silliness.
Beautiful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have experienced all of these either in myself or from other people.
I would add though that sometimes this can be a reverse reflection, and interprepting is not necessarily clear when you are disordered... there is a level of denial and a level of magic thinking of course. Very deep, and for children of alcoholics yes... space to be yourself and healthy love can be a very odd concept. Thank you.
Agreed, lots of denial and magical thinking particularly without healing strategies :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Oh….a very important video, even if it hurts to reflect upon 🙁
Self-awareness is like that, but it means you are your way!
-Cara@TeamFairy
“When you grow up with trauma… people around you have been so out of control, you end up having to be controlling” AR
This. I had delayed rage about this. A decade later, i became super angry at all the crap i had to go through b/c they had addictions and emotional problems. When it was happening, i went along w/helping to accommodate the out of control people. My siblings. I am the youngest and it was super annoying being on their rollercoasters for most of my life. Now i avoid them pretty hard and deal w/the guilt of it. I just want my own life and not have it ruined
I thought that when people speak to me about their problems they need my help to resolve their problems, so I am looking for solutions and imidiatly I start to speak, what I did in the past and what worked for me. I didn't know that I was controling. So I suppose to stand there and let them give me their complaining energy and that's it ? People can complain about the same problems over and over again and they are not moving on and they look for people who will only listen to their problems, the same ones over nad over and over again, to see in them victims, but they don't realize that just stopping to think about problems is a solution, to stop feeding this energy, to stop give life to this low energy. But you know about it. But I also am this caring controlling person when I say to someone I care about - "you could change job for more light one, what for to waste this short life for such a hard work, at your 50ties you will waste your body and you will struggle with illnesses and doctors." heh I will stop this.
I have stumbled down some of these paths. Frequently. This has been a better week. And over the past several years I've also made huge strides in the right direction. Humbling and reassuring to realize that even mistakes are often made in a better direction.
Sometimes learning empathy is painful. Growing pains are aptly named.
Aptly named is right :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Really really outstanding! My quick share... I have been a vegetarian for about 30 years... my parent (who has NPD traits) still acts confused about why, or what I eat, my nutritional content and bizarre Ideas like attempting to serve me poorly cooked beans from a ham-hawk... This is one of many forms of control! Thank god I live over 1600 miles away, by design! I am so F tired of this one trick pony in the circus of their mind!
Ugh! That would drive me crazy.
Well said
I tried to go veg 25 years ago. Everyone in my family said i was selfish for having a different food preference.i was inconsiderate because i inconvenienced people. I submitted to their control because i couldn't bear to be the bad guy. Now days i eat what i want my husband is very supportive.sxrew the family they are the toxic ones projecting on to me. That's over they finally disowned me. Not better just yet but i will be. What a relief i dont have to surrender to then anymore
@@MrsravenNuts thank you and bless you!
@@rebecca8482 yea... I feel you... my whole family is in agriculture so the idea of not eating meat is from outer space! I am really sorry! It is ok to have boundaries! This isn't the only thing people try to manipulate by pushing inch by inch! Pretty soon you are 1,000 miles away!
This is even more tricky when you are a caregiver. I struggle with balancing this with the person I care for - allowing for independence versus not being negligent.
The moods and silence - I know I've done that in the past, but I also know it was because I knew they wouldn't listen, would simply attack. It was too exhausting to consider.
As healing progresses, so does more self-awareness :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
It makes me feel sick hearing how I behave, but I need it. I’m so fed up with hurting people
I know a person who doesn't stop talking and it's hard to get away. I avoid her, but I'd rather be able to cordially leave somehow when I'm ready to. I don't know how to end convos with her because she goes into endless detail and doesn't take a breath. Thoughts anyone?
Tell her you don't feel the relationship is 50/50 and you'd like to part ways unless this is something she is willing to work on and compromise the speaking time with you. Hopefully it goes alright!
My husband gets stuck like this, too.
Yes, ideally there should be able to be a pause at the end, you both say goodbye calmly, and leave.
But there's such a thing as chatterboxes! And with these people you have to talk over them, "oh, is that the time?! It's been so good to see you! I have to get going, you have a great day!" And smile and leave, and if they're still talking you can nod and smile and don't speak! Just keep walking, get in your car leaving the door open, turn the engine on, smile again, put it in reverse, nod one last time to the final sentence (you decide that it's final, they're not going to wrap it up), and drive away with a thumbs up or a wave.
It feels ridiculously rude, but usually the talkers don't get offended. They knew you were leaving, that's why they quickly wanted to say as much as possible before you went! You don't need their permission to leave, you are in charge of that.
Omg. This was 100% my friend. Especially the mood and silent treatment one. She never wanted to talk about how she was feeling (bc she “feels bad anyway”) but also never asked or had interest in my feelings or thoughts. I feel a lot better now that I’ve walked away. I hope she heals on her own.
However I do definitely recognize myself in the time and sleep forms of control. Never thought about it, that it could be controlling/manipulative. Eye-opening.
Being willing to open your eyes is a great sign of progress in healing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I am always giving unsolicited advice. Because I never got good advice even from professionals. I was diagnosed with PTSD 26 years ago but nobody bothered to tell me. So I just give out everything I know to make up for everything I didn't get. I am trying really hard to stop doing that.
Great insight, and one I share. It often feels like it comes from a loving place, but really has rarely seemed appreciated, or obviously affected change. I see now how off putting it can be, I know I generally don't like it :/
@@lulumoon6942 yes I’ve been there too. Now I do my best to not give unsolicited advice.
This one hurts. Almost everything in this video describes something between me and my former friend. We were both kids of trauma but only his problems “counted,” so yeah sometimes I was trying to be helpful and loving and he saw it as controlling and manipulative, and he was never going to understand that I wasn’t trying to turn him into me (because I didn’t even want to be me!!!). We were such a toxic combination after so many years of being good for each other. I only hope he knows I really did love him and he wasn’t the only one who was hurt.
Right, I can't understand anymore what is loving and controlling behavior if wanting to know what someone is doing with their lives now counts! I seem to be only able to ask how's your morning going cuz after that's it's intrusive and controlling apparently!
I don't want to control anyone that's not my intent that's not my mindset my mind is I care so I'll ask or I see them in pain so I'll suggest something not in a sly you must do what I suggest it's just if you haven't done this maybe doing so could help!
I'm at the point I think I should halt all communication with my family cuz anything I say or wish to know might be construed that way cuz I got in a small fight because I suggested to a family member try this to ease their pain and I got called controlling for a suggestion they could've just said no to! I got in another one cuz I asked a family member who said they didn't like X food I thought they liked that food and they told me to shut the hell up!
I'm so confused why everyone is on edge around me or yelling at me I can no longer tell if they're just gaslighting me or if I'm so under the radar controlling that I'm not sure I'm doing it! I care, I want to express that, yet it backfires! I'm not trying to turn them into anything i'm just trying to express I care and according to this video I can't!
@Bitchen_Boutique thanks for sharing, healing requires more self-awareness which can hurt a bit, but it's worth the pay off :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow, this was so good! I’m someone who has severe diagnosed C-PTSD. This has really been an eye opener. Over the years I’ve done some of these things, and luckily through therapy I was able to catch them and work to change them, but I still slip up sometimes. I’m working on it :”) I want to be healthy. The ‘concern’ type of control is one I never have done but I think it’s because it was always done to me and I know how awful and fake it feels. The one I do know that I did a lot was trying to change people so they didn’t traumatize me- instead of realizing those certain people won’t or don’t need to change, and accepting that. I unfortunately always ended up getting involved with narcissists or abusive people, almost as if repeating my childhood. I would try so hard to continue relationships with these abusive people, just hoping I could help them ‘see the light’ or ‘love them enough’ that they’d change and be kind. I now realize it wasn’t my job to do any of that. I feel accepting people as they are, (non abusive people that is), is the best way to heal our inner wounds. We can relax so much better when everyone can be themselves.
I was this person and can be that way when I’m out of control.
Great self-awareness!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I had former friends that frequently did Concern Shaming. It was so difficult for me to pinpoint what it was but I always ended up bringing up how condescending it was and had always felt that it was arrogance. It felt like they were injecting doubts into my mind right before I tackled my problems in my own way and expected me to see it as support. Constantly shaming me for not doing things the way they thought they should be done. They would constantly offer unsolicited advice about my life and then become upset and condescending when I didn’t follow their unsolicited advice.
Plan offering /speculating such as fun trips or outings, and then flaking out is such a hard thing for me. I love spending time with others but if they float a plan I always have to take it with a grain of salt because things always come up, often out of my control or higher priority things like emergencies. It's something I try to not take personally.
Are you saying you have to flake out or they do?
Yes, I have learned that there are people who like to imagine going on a trip, but the way that they imagine is the same way that I plan, so it's difficult to know exactly who's actually committed until it's time to pay.
For the imagination people, I don't think that they even realize. They *think* that they want to go, there's just this obstacle, so they can't. Whereas if they did actually want to, almost always there's a way around the obstacle.
Not saying that my priorities have to be theirs, I'm just saying it's disappointing.
As a person who has an invisible illness.. I am very cautious , now, about who I share this with.
At first I thought I should let others know so that my limitations would make more sense to them. What I found was that everyone seems to be a health guru these days!
Suddenly , everyone knows the diet and exercise routine that will cure me- ;)
Omg yes! The unsolicited and uneducated health advice 🙃
I think she's talking about "advice" to change behaviors or emotions, not physical health, this is not about being surreptitiously or passive aggressively controlling.
On the other hand, imagine being offended and rejecting information offered in compassion about how to get well. Some people prefer to be broken and feel sorry for themselves or extract sympathy and attention from others than be well and feel ignored or no longer special.
I once was given unsolicited, uneducated health advice. Unsolicited because I had no idea this person had this information. Uneducated because they did not have a sanctioned degree, only personal experience. I did not get offended or refer to the person as a self proclaimed health guru or get mad about it. I tried it. I got healed of diabetes. The educated experts insist you take toxic pills and injections for the rest of your life and live a diminished existence as it slowly kills you. Now i give this same advice to my family members (because I know they want to be well and they don't have toxic attitudes or a bizarre attachment to being sick). Now my mom is being healed more and more by daily useless diet and exercise and has been taken off half her medications and feels 98% more alive and healthy and vigorous. The only ones mad about it are the billionaire pill pushers and idiots.😉
Oh wow my husband does 4-5of these things-silent treatment and running away, telling me how I can change to be better, being moody, sleeping in and taking his sweet time to have breakfast when we have plans and he definitely expect me to be someone I’m not and gets disappointed
He also says I’m controlling and too rigid I don’t let him do anything but honestly out of all these I definitely expect him to know and do things in a different way just because I think he should and that definitely leads to a lot of disappointment for me
It’s just funny how I’m the officially broken one with CPTSD and he acts like he’s perfect and always happy
This guys might be more broken than me I hate that I let him make me feel bad about myself and give me so much stress when if I knew what’s wrong with him I could’ve known why he’s treating me like this and possibly help him in some way
Any advice how to protect myself gently when he’s acting like that
We’re not separating but we’re a mess 😬
Sounds like a totally toxic relationship. Ask yourself why do you want to live with a person who «makes you feel bad about youself» and «gives you a lot of stress». When he is «always happy» and you are not, sounds like you are more interested in this relationship than him (codependent?). There is no use finding out •what is wrong with him», go to a psychologist together and try to find out what is wrong with your relationship.
You’re good at pointing out the obvious thanks 😊
Good observation. I relate and think you're right!
We are drawn to them they are drawn to us. If his mom was a narcissist which is just a wild guess, than who would be more perfect for him than someone with CPTSD. We are a match made in hell 😂 The bad news is we’re not giving up any time soon, I just hope we can work it out! Some days are better than others and I’m learning all the time. Boundaries, communication etc. The problem is that he is not at all aware that he was indeed drawn to me exactly because I can make him feel miserable just the way he’s used to. He is in a deep denial and I don’t know how to nudge him in the direction of self help. When we went to a family counselor he said he’s there because of my problems 😂 (at least he’s willing to go) But he’s been telling me he’s quitting tobacco for years now and every time I ask him when he says I’m too stressed right now. At the same time he says he’s happy and chill and he looks like it from far enough
There’s another thing tho, if we found partners who didn’t push our buttons and didn’t mistreat us than we would be too comfortable to feel the need to work on ourselves. And that can mean that we are going to be mistreating our partners, which I’m tired of doing
Most of my married friends think about leaving their husband from time to time, some more than others. And where are we going to go? Find someone better or draw another wild one and start the whole mess over?
There were times when I was engaged in self destructive behaviors, and people called me on it….. gently…..but they called me on it. I was actually grateful. There were times I was as incredibly self unaware of how I was coming across or things that I maybe didn’t want to admit to myself but needed to in order to heal. If someone I know cares for me raises a concern, I don’t see that as a form of control. I’ve had to raise concerns with people I am close with and it does come from a place of care. What they do with it is completely up to them, however if it’s a concern that directly affects the relationship I have with them, it will and in many cases has damaged and ended the friendship. As someone who has CPTSD, I appreciate the understanding of others, however no one is obligated to tip toe around my trauma or my triggers. More so, if my trauma responses victimize other people. Yes, it’s kind to hold space for others while they’re healing. That space still needs to be respected.
So much wisdom here, I am helped by your comments. I’ve had messy situations in the past where I see now that my trauma responses were victimizing people, as you say, but there were also real problems in the relationship that I just hadn’t figured out how to address effectively at the time. My whole adult life seems to be a process of sorting these two things out: addressing the here and now appropriately, and also caring for myself appropriately.
I know I've done pretty much all these things. Ugh. Thank you for explaining these more subtle acts of control. This was so helpful. Your videos are helping me so much on my journey. Thank you so much. 💓
So glad to hear it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I love the "ugh" part it's so relatable. I've done these things too (sometimes still do unfortunately) and cringe so bad when I think about it. Thank goodness for healing
I’ve had bad habits of time… trying to stay away believing it’s solitude instead it’s isolation
Glad you're here now! Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you for your work, I’ve come to the realization that I need to do a lot of work. Being a disorganized attachment and barely realizing it after my breakup, I’ve hardly dated anyone, believing that it was me being mature when in reality I was avoiding to growing up. Keeping the coping mechanism of my 14 year old self. Now I’m 33 and barely learning about my bad habits. Thank you again for the information you provide.
Being on the receiving end of schedule control is actually a huge trigger for me. I'm the anxious-always-early and plan ahead person. I feel deeply betrayed when people don't do what they say they are going to do.
Controlling with sleep! There is a name for this behavior? My husband has been doing this to me for our entire marriage and I could never underatand why it made me so angry...but it always felt so intentional and makes me center all our plans around his mood and sleep schedule....but when his buddies ask him to go out, he is up before the sun, packed up with snacks for the boys. But when we are taking a family trip, he sleeps till 11 (despite me and our kids pleading) and then we have to pull a u turn on the freeway because he forgot to pack pants and a toothbrush. Meanwhile, I have packed our 3 children, muself, snacks, gassed the car, checked the tires, made hotel reservations etc the night before. It is a control tactic
Wow awful. He doesn't want to go, clearly!
Or…perhaps you could look at your part. Maybe you could consult your partner, about them, maybe let something be their idea. Your list of “things” YOU did, lowered my cooperation level pronto.
Chill out, 😮
@@LoudPedal66 no actually these trips are his ideas….he won’t even go to anything that is my idea
@@AdrienneJung.M Hi Adrienne, in that case I understand your frustration. Feels more irresponsible than controlling.
I hope that both of you have found a middle ground, and a dose of fun and joy. Raising kids takes a team, big responsibility and big rewards!
Rock on
I'm totally shite at executive functioning + gauging/managing time. The harder I try the worse it becomes.
You are not alone!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy
For myself, this particular topic is a double edged sword. Time blindness. Part of the challenge with having both ASD & CPTSD. Know I'm doing it & it's adverse effect on myself & others. Your videos are golden for managing the not so great aspects of being neuro-divergent. Thank you Anna and Team. 💖
I have/had a close friend who when i told her my spouse was very ill, she told me if i wanted to talk i could call her, but she would not contact me. That was more that a year ago. At first i was hurt, then angry, then kind of numb to the 40 year friendship i thought we had. Prior to this, she a made many comments about reading books that explained people and she could see who they were, would release them from her life. I felt COVID was very stressful to her, we handled isolation differently, she was very judgmental about people’s lives and how they coped etc. During this time, spouses illness has progressed (its terminal) we have mutual friends and relatives, so i know she is aware. I have mourned the loss of her friendship but also realized it was always on her terms, what time spent in the when, where and who was included. Btw, i did reach out several times ie her birthday and holidays, her response was thank you for calling. No reciprocation to my events. Sad. I have released her and now look at this friendship in the past tense, wish her well and send blessings. Thank you for reading/listening to my story; I haven’t discussed this with any friends since we know a lot of same peeps, I didn’t want to stir up a mess, its a small town.
Appreciate you sharing your story with this community :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
On the OTHER hand, it’s almost ALWAYS a good idea to leave and walk out on the situation of you’re dealing with a narcissist who refuses to reason; refuses to listen; refuses to even TRY to understand. They can’t solve problems; and they only see you as an object in their lives to be used and to “function” for them! -very much as a child does. There’s no point often times (/ALL the time) to try and “work things out @ with a narcissist.
My mom controls in very passive aggressive ways, her favorite is concern shaming. She once told me my cousins were all asking how I was and we're concerned, saying they tried connecting with me but didn't hear back. I realized her game when I figured out that either they hadn't reached out to me, or when they did I responded. When I told her this she tried to back track. Her fav is "people always ask me why I let you move so far away, but I tell them it's important for you to be independent. Your brother once said we gave you all roots and wings".. I once responded with "who would ask you that? I'm in my 50s". I have to watch myself on giving advice, but Im not controlling with plans, I was constantly called selfish for wanting to have a say regarding family plans. I just ended up with people who considered me controlling when I didn't want to do something they wanted to do.
“People always ask me why I would let you move so far away”
“Who would ask you that? I’m in my 50s…” 😂 😂 😂
Offer loving support & that's all! Amen!
I am absolutely guilty of wanting to help people I care about grow beyond limited thinking. Quickly 😑, for all involved. Including themselves. Free themselves in my mind. For what I think they are capable of. Admittedly to protect myself as well from getting hurt.
I made assumptions & went too quickly in a "relationship" because I was afraid of being hurt afterwards. And I had to apologize for things I assumed, whether right or wrong, it doesnt matter. I pushed him away. 😔 so lesson learned. I gotta wait until I'm ready.
But my question is: Are people who TRY to trigger us CONSTANTLY considered toxic? Although they should not walk on eggshells in "normal" life. Going out of their way to push someone's buttons seems harsh & dysregulating to me.
Thank you for all you do!
People who are intentionally disturbing & hurting others are out there, and I don't want them in my life. The problem with CPTSD is that sometimes it seems like people are intentionally hurting us when they aren't (and sometimes we dismiss people's bad behavior when we shouldn't) . Healing helps us to better make these distinctions!
-Cara@TeamFairy
As i didnt share my problems, as soon as someone told me their problems, i would be stressed to find a possible way to help. i thought that if it was me that confide , i would like People to show their concern and say anything that might help. I was wrong and now i see why
I think I’m guilty of doing every one of those things.
On being late, sigh, the bane of my life. For dr appts I need to plan on leaving 1/2 - 4/5 min early and this works. Otherwise I’ve just decided to admit to everyone that I have a time problem and for everyone to go ahead as planned, and I’ll show up when I do.
Time blindness is a real struggle with ADHD. I don't think that in that case it's controlling. I mean, if the person insists that everything wait until they arrive, yes that's controlling.
But if it's just the constant surprise of "oh, I can't get completely ready and arrive on time even if I start 20 minutes beforehand... Oh right, I had to drive 15 minutes to get here, I suppose that makes sense that taking a shower and then searching the entire house for my keys took longer than 5 minutes"
Of course it's still annoying to the people who are waiting even if it's not intended to be controlling. ADHD meds help tremendously with that, and also learning about time management and how to plan out time for everything so that you are either on time or just a few minutes late and more in the 'normal' range.
Still lame. Managing getting ready and being on time isn't difficult.
@@Frejborg It may not be difficult for you. It's difficult for me. I've found ways to manage, but it is one of the easiest ways for me to mess up.
@@ProfessorGothic I'm sure that they're true for some people, and certainly if I don't want to be somewhere, it's hard to get motivated to go.
However, I am an extrovert, I love seeing people, and even when I've been delightedly looking forward to this all week, I'm still late!
But, like I said, I've got a system now and it helps a lot. :) Being only 5 minutes late for a gathering is not seen as rude, so I'm not offending my friends. 👍
@@ProfessorGothic I would definitely say this was true for me in the past. I know people took it as me being arrogant and selfish but I literally had to work myself up like I was going into fight. The social anxiety was almost paralyzing. I would be sick to my stomach. Eating in front of other people literally terrified me. I covered it very well and most people to this day don't know how bad it was. I'm so much better now, thankfully. You never really know what others are going through.
Wow! I just realized a manager I put up with for far too long was a sufferer of CPTSD! She had a very abusive childhood with her father. The most insidious, controlling woman I have ever known, a master at belittling you and then making you think she was your friend over and over again. I have been a magnet for this type of person all my life. Walked out of a job of 15 years and lost my home because I stayed and put up for far too long.
Wow, that sounds like hard earned experience, thanks for sharing.
-Cara@TeamFairy
You just describe me. This video just got me, I do a lot of this unconsciously, I mean… not purposely as it sounds so hard for whomever I am dating and cognitively I wouldn’t like being like this! This explain their frustration. Oh dear, does make me a Narcissist? Thanks for this eye opening video. I need to take some action
Just quit my job after realizing I was in my head too much trying to figure out the behavior/motives behind my "nice" yet manipulative boss 😒
Glad you're here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This was so good. Something wildly confusing I encountered recently was with a friend who also suffers from C-PTSD. She is in therapy, like me and is more on the external critic end than the internal critic end (I'm on the internal). She's learned the: "Can I give you feedback..." thing, but still proceeds to harm with her words through that feedback. At first, I couldn't tell if I was just triggered by what she said OR if it was cruel, but her storming out and disappearing when I try to have confrontation tells me...it can be both, and I also have to kindly end the connection. Navigating this for me is hard. But for two people with C-PTSD, it gets so muddy.
It sounds like you're doing great!
-Cara@TeamFairy
👍Message received, use the Golden Rule, and remember to try not to do the things to othersr that you dislike! 👍
Boom!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy 🤯🙃😊
Sometimes you have to cut people from your life: people who drink too much, smoke, lie but are overall extremely "kind" as my aka friend. I was bruttaly honest the last time I spoke with her. It felt right. I didn't hear from her again. 😀
Thank you for sharing :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
OMG! I think this maybe my favorite video you've done so far! It articulates behaviours I could not put into words. #2 Completely explains something that's been going on in my world. A person I know does this and other things but this is her default go to passive agressive super arrogant trait! You hit the nail on the head. What makes it all the more outrageous is that she is a daily maintenance drinker and after a few drinks become a nasty aggressive person. I realize alcoholism is a dis-ease, but I just had to shut her down for the final time. Enough is Enough and no contact works for me. She is incapable of understanding her level of inappropriate actions and responses. Thank you so much for this.
Thank you for your comments!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Damn. My ex did every one of these things to me. I'm the one with the CPTSD though, lol. I never wanted a project boyfriend but he would tell me how good I was for him and he needed me and how helpful I was. I think its was a hook. In the end eveyone told me I was trying to change him. All I wanted was to be heard and respected. None of them knew the behind the scenes with us or believed it. Anyways. I am out of it now and just working on me 👍
That's a great place to be :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I had a friend who checked all these boxes. It was a newer friendship and she was always projecting her issues and then. Scolding me or telling me she couldn't be the friend I talked to about dating or my father bc blah blah her issues and not what my issues were. But then she would go on for pages and marathon texts about her issues. When I created a hathy boundary and pulled back she panicked and became clingy and codependent like a break up and kept trying to bait and trick me into conversations where she could talk about herself but not have a 2 way conversation so I had to back out completely.
Sorry so many typos I type too fast. This friend also had a weird comment or behavior if I introduced her to other friends which was off putting. She'd either ignore them or would tell me how they offended her or put her off soon after meeting them and it felt narcissistic like being isolated. She could have easily declined other invites without criticizing friends I have known for much longer. It was odd and uncomfortable.
People sometimes play fool and want to fool others, come into your world probably without ill intention but it is very important to have boundaries so you dont fall in a trap with them. Lack of accountability and boundaries is the worst.
My Dad has tried to change me all of my life and that makes my anxiety,PTSD and Dysregulation worse.... Hence I've set boundaries to keep my sanity....
OMG! This video was like being hit in the head with the reality of some behaviors used on me that I just couldn't figure out what had I missed. Also recognized some of my own behaviors, like sleeping, that are actually a controlling behavior. Realize I pulled thaT one today. I had a couple of errands I needed to do and my mother wanted to come along. Friday I had dealt with her bs and pulling her victim role. Her abuse was always the covert type. When you started talking about being told you're incapable to do things, it's more than you can handle it was the same thing my mother has told me my whole life. She always claimed it was just she was concerned about me, that I couldn't take care of myself. About 4 years ago she took it too far and I cut off all contact with her for close to 2 years. A couple years ago I heard she was having heart surgery. She was 94 and I really struggled whether I should contact her but realized she was my mother and I knew she had grown up with abuse. Actually it's generational abuse. I never did have kids although I wished I could but I never even got any therapy until I was in my 50's and wonder what kind of parent I would have been. I had an older sister who was by far my worst abuser. I saw how she treated her one son and then he had a child that he abandoned when he was 2 years old. I just hope it's the end of this cycle.
A psychology degree, an idealist character, and I desire to serve = trying to change others my entire life! I couldn’t understand the idea that not everyone is trying to be their best self. Absolutely coming from a good-hearted place but it’s ultimately arrogant. It’s assuming a whole lot. I’ve lost many friends because of this behaviour. Holding space for others is what I try to do now.
We learn by experience, glad you're here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Recently my therapist did the getting angry with me because of her projection thing. She is now my former therapist.
I think I can do the rest of this healing thing by myself, with The Daily Practice and You Tuber's such as yourself!! Thank you! for offering a choice beyond more of the talk therapy I've been doing all my life which has, obviously, not done the trick!!! Bless you Anna et al💜
Appreciate this message!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I was told by two friends to stop saying certain things which made me feel like I am walking on eggshells. I feel I need to be conscientious of others to avoid triggering them and lashing out at me. Which is a sense of control over me. I just wish I knew how to say to them this is your trigger and you need to work on it not me.
It can be hard to say that- I completely understand
-Cara@TeamFairy
T.v. and internet. Is so much more important than I am. It's like the silent treatment. It's relationship avoidance.
I had a friend a few years ago. She said she wanted to know how people saw her. She wanted the truth. So I did but saying it wasn't what she wanted either. Sometimes people trip you up. I've learned you can have a friend and find out the things they do that aren't morally right and still hurt them. I've always tried to be cautious but sometimes it just happens.
Thank you
I relate so much to this comment!
-Cara@TeamFairy
My bf of 15 yrs. ended the friendship. I was her “life manager” on so many levels. because of her intense ADD and abusive marriage. Her husband eventually died and that toxic marriage ended and she started dating. Through 2 years of dating and acting like a crazy love struck teenager on the hunt for a man….I engaged in a lot of controlling behaviors, trying to reign her in for her own good. Now, she has a new husband, a new “life manager” and my opinions were no longer welcomed. While this break up was incredibly painful…I’m GLAD (in hindsight) that this happened, as through my grief I gained HUGE self awareness and saw for the first time how unhealthy the friendship dynamics were. I came to understand how my control (over her life and not my own) fueled my CPTSD but didn’t serve me walking in emotional, mental and spiritual health with boundaries.
O.M.G...yes concern shaming...I have a friend who does that and I've been having issues setting up boundaries with her.
Learning from you has saved my marriage and relationship with my teenage son! Thanks so much!
Definitely was around controlling people for most of my life.
I have watched so many videos on human behaviour and all. I understood one thing, I am gonna see bits and pieces of faults in everybody including me. Cause we are not perfectly healthy emotionally and mentally. All I have to do is choose what is adjustable and what is not.
😇
Wow the “friend” you had that was mad because you showed emotions. Been there. That kind of relationship drains you. Oh my God!
Thanks for the relatedness :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I started working on the daily practice.
It has brought up some rage, I cannot seem to get over this grumpy feeling lately.😳😬
It's a new outlet to experience rage safely, you're bound to feel a little shift. Join Anna's next DP zoom call :)
-Cara@TeamFairy