Big Life Decisions • Why I Decided Not to Have Kids
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- Опубликовано: 12 сен 2024
- Hello everyone!
This video has been on my list for sooo long. Thank you to those of you who asked for my thoughts on this topic - that kept it high on my list of videos I intended to film and I finally did.
As you can tell by the title of this video, hubby and I made a personal decision to be "childfree by choice." This video is in no way a judgment on anyone else's decisions. Thank you for watching and let me know if you'd like to see more "Big Life Decisions" videos! x
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I have children and I don’t feel that they give me any sense of fulfillment, to tell you the truth. I actually didn’t really want children but that wasn’t what life had in store for me, I guess. I have found having to care for other people taxing and demanding and most of the time I feel trapped in a life that I didn’t chose for myself. In my case I also have children with special needs. My sons both have ADHD and the oldest is also on the autism spectrum. As for in-laws and family and Grandparents…I have not really gotten any help from them at all. They watch my brother in law’s three children all of them time but have never taken ours for even just a day or overnight. So you never know what you will get as far as children or Grandparents! Anyway..I know that this is a very polarizing subject and when I speak honestly about it I usually get raked over the coals. I am super happy for you that you were able to make that decision for yourself and everything worked out for you. I envy your freedom!
Thank you for this comment. I love your level of honesty and self-awareness. I wish there were more places where we could express our thoughts and feelings without being made to feel like a terrible person. And it's so true that there are no guarantees with how things will turn out with the people in our lives! I do feel lucky that I was able to make this choice and not have any regrets. You never know going into such a big decision how your future self will feel but we do the best we can at any given point in time.
I’m sorry this has been your experience so far. I hope it gets better for you. It’s a real struggle when you don’t have enough family support and have a child with special needs. Prayers.
@@654ujala Thank you! I really appreciate the comment. Things are getting better...mostly because my kids are much older and are starting to be able to do more for themselves these days. They are both behind in this regard but every little bit helps.
@@faeriesmak I feel you. I had many people trying to pressure me into parenthood, mainly my ex husband and his family. I think it was mostly because of my money and assets: he wanted a way to get at my estate because I made him sign a prenup, but thankfully I saw through what they were trying to do and kept my birth control tight. I never wanted children and am glad I stayed true to myself despite the pressure. The thing is, none of these people that pile on the pressure will be around to help you physically, emotionally, or financially with those kid(s) so they need to just shut up and mind their own business. It still boggles my mind why people are so triggered by what others choose to do with their own reproductive organs. 🤷🏾♀️
@@Childfree334 Wow. I am sorry that you had to deal with that! You're right too..the people who pile on the pressure are most likely not going to be there in any capacity to help. Have a great week..and thank you for the comment!
I knew when I was 22 I didn't want kids and started asking for a tubal ligation. They wouldn't even consider it, said I might regret it. Sadly, if I were 22 and pregnant no one would suggest I might regret having a baby. Sigh. Anyhow, by 26 I was able to get a tubal ligation by telling the doctors I had stepkids (my then BF had kids) and so long as you have SOME kids in your life, they seem more amenable to it. Which is NONSENSE but anyhow. I tell my wannabe CF friends to lie if you have to. Say whatever you need to say. So I'm 48 now, and NEVER regretted my choice. I'm joyfully childfree and I've had and am having a wonderful meaningful and fulfilled life.
Thank you for sharing your story! I was around the same age when I realized I didn't want kids. I'm in my 40s as well and can totally relate to your comment about being joyfully childfree, living a meaningful and fulfilled life. Much love to you!
But you have to realise that many people do regret sterilising themselves. So they would rather people like you wait for a decade to get your operation done, than sterilising someone who regrets it later and can't go back.
@@sofitocyn100 Statistics please! How many regret getting sterilised vs how many regret having kids or wound up getting abortions or were slave to other birth control methods because they didn't want kids but couldn't get sterilised!
Curious if you’re still with that bf with the kids?
@@mrslovvet Oh heck no. We broke up 25 years ago.
Having children so that they “will look after you when you get old” is never a guarantee. There are so many people in nursing homes with adult children who don’t visit them. Children shouldn’t be thought as “retirement fund” anyway.
The more and more I see Child free people videos that are marry and they mention that their partner is child free too it gives me hope that one day I will find one too 😭😭
I think there are lots of us out there... sometimes you meet your special someone when you least expect it... life is funny that way. Sending good vibes! x
37 with no kids. I do not have the mental capacity to do something 24/7 nonstop. Plus I’m terrified I’ll resent my child.
I'm 31, and about to have my tubes removed. Thanks for sharing. It's validating to see other women making this decision.
Woow i would love to hear your journey considering most doc refused to do so if you young w no kids
Having children isn’t for everyone. Most people have children and are unhappy about it and mistreat their child. It’s life changing and people aren’t ready for that. I had 3 humans who have now left the nest but made my life an amazing experience to be a mom. I’m happy for you and your decision not many people think that way and have a miserable life. Live your life your way.
Thank you for your comment. I have so much compassion for the children and the parents in that situation. Having kids is definitely life changing and a huge decision. It's a joy for me to hear about your experience as a mom and kudos to you for raising three humans!! x
Im 33, married for 8 years, we are also child free and concluded on that before we married. I dont have pressure from my side but from my husbands its huge. It is brought up every time in their company. I dont feel bad however, mildly annoyed, but nothing i cant handle. They have 3 boys so they will have enough grandkids to play with, we dont need a full blown kindergarten up in here.
I hear you - I used to get annoyed too, and not just mildly lol. Not so much if someone asks once out of curiosity, but it started to get to me with the repeated questioning or trying to convince us or teasing/little jabs. At first, my husband wouldn't say anything in response to his family so it looked like I was the one who was making the decision for both of us. It got to the point where I'd get really worked up and actually very nervous to go family gatherings. It's only looking back now that people don't ask anymore that I can have any sort of balanced view about it.
@@AuthenblissityMain I can see how heavy that is, specially when your partner doesnt have your back as often as you'd like. Wow ... very similar situation here. I follow another you tuber (finance channel ) who is also in a child free marriage. Another good video, to relate too. ruclips.net/video/z2sy7VaZrXQ/видео.html
I hear you. Never had kids and never wanted to be an exhausted, dumb parent.
Pressuring you to have kids is like trying to convert you Catholicism.
Why in the living hell do people do that? As if they have a right.
I'd suggest a reply to them, but can't do that in this kindergarten.
Thanks for making this video. Childfree people get so much judgement that I think it is really positive that more people speak out and show we are just normal people, not abnormal monsters! I was a pre-teen when I announced that I did not want children (it was when I first realised you don't have to have them) and I am now in my 40s. I have not regretted my decision. My reasons are almost identical to yours!
Thank you for your comment!! That was definitely something I considered when deciding to record and post this video - we're definitely regular people who simply chose a different path. :)
I’m so glad you made this video! I remember being in my early 20s and saying to my Mom that the only reason I could come up with to have kids was someone to look after me in old age. She immediately said “that is not a reason to have kids!” I’m so glad my parents (and in-laws) never pressured me into having kids. They never ask or bring it up. Oddly, it is often extended family or friends that will ask. I actually have one friend who brings it up every time I see her. I think she absolutely loves being a Mom and wants me to experience the joy and fulfillment she feels. I’ve never wanted kids, I love being an Auntie, but it has in no way made me feel like “I want that for me.” Thank you for normalizing not wanting children, this was much appreciated!
Thanks Kathleen!! It's awesome that your mom said that, and it's so refreshing to hear that your parents and in-laws have never pressured you. I understand when people have tried to express the joy and fulfillment they feel as parents - I know they do so out of love and not wanting me to miss out on that experience. I've obviously never been convinced but I do appreciate when this type of (often unsolicited) advice comes from a good place. :)
I have a nephew, he is 1.7 years, he lives in my house with my mom and my siblings, that was the reason that makes me said "yes, no kids for me", I decide to not be a mother since I was 28, 5 years ago, I want freedom, peace, I want to sleep all the time that I want.
If someone say "You can pursuit your goals because you don't have kids" I will say "Yes, that is a reason for not have any. (Are you jealous? (In case of that person is judgement))"
I love this topic. I remember my aunt saying that without kids you need to find your own meaning/purpose in life as the majority of people with kids say that is their purpose. She said it maybe tougher but more fulfilling in the long run
Wise words. Also more time to contemplate life
Life is what you make it but ultimately has no meaning. The planet would not care if humans ceased to exist.
I don't know if I want to have children but one thing is for sure: I won't have kids because I am afraid of regretting not having any.
I never wanted kids. For one thing, I hated childbirth and one of my relatives died in childbirth and her husband had to look after them. She was only 26. I also saw the boring and repetitive lives my mother and other mothers had. There was no fun or joy.I really love my freedom and my bf is childfree too. I am very lucky to live in small house, easy to run and maintain, and I don't have a car just to ferry kids around. Having no kids has helped me enjoy my minimalist lifestyle. Freedom is amazing and I love having my own identity, not just I am just a mother
Bravo for doing this video! I knew from very young that I didn’t want to have children and have never regretted my decision. Taking care of my husband is commitment enough for me 😆
Thank you, and I feel that way about my husband sometimes too lol!
Same! Haha.
I never wanted humans anyway. I've never wanted to be a mother. I love my life .
I know this video is a year old but I'm so happy to find another Asian woman with similar feelings. Seems like everyone in my cultural group is just obsessed with kids. Good for them, I just wish I could find people who could be happy that I'm happy, you know? It's just so tiring not having that support group in the people closest to you.
Really appreciate this video! My partner and I are also child free. I never felt drawn to having my own kids when I was in school, like you, but I debated quite a bit in my late twenties. Ultimately it just never felt like a good fit. Fortunately, our families accepted it pretty quickly, but I did struggle a lot with what the 'childrearing age' of my life would look like without kids as the center piece. Turns out that hobbies are amazing. I also appreciate when child free people are accepted as rational and not just child haters. I can love all the little people in my life and love being an auntie and still not want kids of my own. Just sitting here on a Saturday with hubs and doggo in absolute silence is enough of a reason for this introvert!!
Thank you, Whitney! Over the years, hubby and I have talked about our decision not to have children (or rather, I would check in with him to see where he was at because of course people can change their minds). We've always both been grateful we chose this path. Your comment about struggling with what the childrearing age of your life would look like without kids as the centerpiece was so well put and really resonated with me - I feel like it describes very well my own experience. And as a fellow introvert and someone who is very easily overly stimulated, a quiet Saturday at home is pure bliss.
My dog is my child 🥺
I always found pregnancy to be discusting. For me that is not normal. I have 0 intrest in children. I just knew from a very young age.
Oh yes, that "of course u have time for that" was thrown at me. I'm into Salsa dancing & was able to develop tremendously in it (unlike my counterparts who are parents). Something which my mom has reminded me of on a few occasions. "When u get married & have kids, u won't have much time for that." 🙄
I guess she doesn't realize you can be married and not have kids. I've been married 22 years with no kids and it blows some people's minds that I got married and never had kids.
Some get so mad they'll even say the stupid. "Just wait until you have your accident." Then another even told me I'm a liar and had many abortions because there's no way I can be married that long and not have kids. Told them we don't have $3x. They still don't understand and I tell them again we just flat out don't have $3x. We have other ways of "having fun". Meaning no man has ever ---- down there.
One older guy I worked with got it when he asked if I had any kids and I wasn't on birth control. He was a grandpa and yelled out. "Oh, a virgin!" I busted out laughing. While technically I'm not, but in that way I actually am.
10 years ago (in 2013), when I was taking music classes a lady (married with kids and was practicing keyboards) told me since I have so much freedom, I can really do unlimited things. That unlike her, she had limited things to do which gets harder. 💯
YES! Love this video. People should respect everyone's individual choice. This is a big life decision all too many people casually jump into without the ability to properly raise a kid. There's a plethora of reasons to delay OR not have children. Personally, my desire to have a kid is conditional. I'm selective and have yet to meet someone I'd want kids with, let alone share the next decade+ of my life with. In dating, I'm so surprised how many single parents of young children are out there! I don't judge them, but I have no desire to be a step-mother. I'm a half-orphan myself, I had a great childhood despite that but I would do everything in my power not to bring up a child alone (too much work). For me, fulfillment comes from inside, not anything or anyone external.
Thank you, Alexa! I totally agree that true fulfillment comes from the inside... it feels so good to not need to rely on external people or things to make me feel whole. I love and cherish my time alone, when I'm immersed in my current interests. Of course, I still buy things and interact with people but that's more of a "cherry on top" now. x
Same!!!! Motherhood is not worth it if I have to do it ALONE!!! #nothanks 🥰👏🏾💯
When I was younger I really did consider having children ONLY if I were married. I’m currently single and child free but I’m VERY selective on who I date. I would want to marry someone who is always going to go above and beyond for me and our children if we were to have them. If I don’t have the love and support from my future husband first then I don’t want marriage or kids at all. I don’t see myself having children only for me to have to do all the work in raising them, protecting them, and caring for them. It is very important to me that if I have children they will have a great relationship with their earthly father as well as our Heavenly Father. I do tend to feel pressure mainly from myself because I see almost everyone I know is having children. Deep down I know that’s not something I have a strong desire for. I don’t feel like it’s worth it if I have to do it all by myself. I’ve seen the struggle of being a single parent and I was raised by one. There are too many broken homes and unwanted children and there is gonna be more of that now that abortion is outlawed in most states. I don’t want to face any of the possibilities of being a struggling single mom with no support from a husband and child’s father. It’s not something you can take back.
thank u for posting this. I always wanted a "family" never just children and to me family started with a loving supportive spouse. I didn't have a chance to meet my mate so ended up with our children... but I always thought mate first then children.
Thank you for your honesty and also for opening the conversation up around having kids. I have watched you for many years now (before I had kids) and have always admired how calm and collected you are. The part about freedom is so true! My little slice of “freedom” is when I get to go to the grocery store alone. 🤣
Thank you for your kindness and for watching over the years... I can't believe how long it's been. I actually remember your username from years ago so thank you for leaving this comment. :) Those little pockets of quiet and freedom are certainly precious.
I found this to be such an eloquent and considered video. My partner and I decided much like yourselves to be childfree and have never regretted that decision. I feel like the right to choose either way is a wonderful thing. Thank you so much for sharing. x
Thank you, Emma! When making this video, it never crossed my mind how lovely it would be to hear from other childfree couples who are happy with their decision. It really is a gift to be able to choose either way.
I’ve not figured out if I really want children or not, but the pressure from friends and family is tough. I’m getting far away from my relatives and friends with kids. Anyway, I’m happy for you!
Thanks so much! It can be hard at times to tune into what you truly want and I'm wishing you all the best with this huge decision. x
The messed up thing is the people that pressure others are not going to have the responsibility of doing the work to caretake them so they really have no business pressuring others. People frown upon men for pressuring women for sex but yet this topic people feel free to pressure women about. I personally do not have children + nor do I want them. The responsibility, drama + lack of freedom to me feels like suffocation. Can not freely get up + go places when you have kids. The morning drama even before the day starts is truly maddening; the bickering if they have siblings. Having to get them ready in the morning or in general + the drama that can come from that, the resistance which can slow you down if you have to go to a job + they are not cooperating. If you come home from work after a long day + are wiped + you still have to push yourself to caretake + meet their emotional needs yet you are exhausted AF. The whole production that goes into finding a sitter + that doesnt even address if the dad/mom/partner is even in your life + on what terms. That serves up a lot other set of issues if it's not collaborative. Hammer a rusty nail between my eyes. LOL
Appreciate the video! I feel that people should really explain their reasons for having kids instead of asking childfree people why they don’t have kids… not the other way around.
Thank you! That would be interesting... I have a vague memory of starting a similar discussion in class when I was in high school. I don't remember the exact responses but I recall that people didn't really know what to say and we ended up having a fascinating conversation.
Childfree and loving every minute!
Love that you're posting on this!! We need more of this on RUclips 🙏🙏🙏
Smart lady
I’m 36 never been married don’t have children I’m totally ok with that I have other things in my life to keep me happy and occupied. Plus I enjoy my personal space and privacy. When people get older and go to a retirement home they have people their regardless if they been married with kids or Not.
Thank you for sharing this. It inspired me to make a video on this topic as I believe this should be talked about more.
Never wanted children since I was a child. I might have entertained the idea in middle school but it was like what baby names you liked - but it was more I found names and their meanings more fascinating. I kind of hated my name as a child since everyone mispronounced it so that was probably why I liked hearing other names I might prefer better.
I hate when people ask the who's gonna take care of you when you're old? question. Having children is no guarantee they'll take care of you when you're old. I've seen too many people neglect their parents who for all its worth seemed like they did the best they could as parents/people. You can't win. Either they did too little or too much and coddled you. :\
That's amazing to hear from so many of you who knew from a young age that you wanted to be childfree! I don't think it crossed my mind that it was an option until my early 20s. Maybe I just never really thought about it. I remember playing that fortune game that was supposed to predict what kind of home you'd live in, the car you'd drive, how many kids you'd have, etc. And what baby names I liked was definitely high on the list of stuff I talked about with my friends. What a trip down memory lane!
I’m childfree
As a Catholic, I'm supposed to preach to you about selfishness, the need to sustain the human population, etc. However, I'm not going to, because, I'm also down to earth and UNDERSTAND that parenthood ISN'T for everyone!
Many men where Im from want children its difficult dating and trying to find someone who have the same views and desires as I do when it comes to not having children.
Good for you. My mother didn't want kids and dropped up in foster care and never.talk to us after that. I talk to my children about if they don't want kids to at least raise to foster one teen and help make their life better for them and help them become a adult. I am happy to have two children and have lots of free time on my husband days off. Children are not for everyone.
Thank you, Samantha! That's a great point about fostering - I appreciate you bringing that up. And so true that children are not for everyone.
Child free is the way to go!
I really liked your comment at the end about you not knowing a mother’s experience and vice versa and that it takes compassion to bridge that gap of understanding. Especially for my mother and I.
I have kids and for me being a mom is the greatest gift I’ve ever been given. I had kids kind of late in life (40s) so had the opportunity to explore, travel, pursue interests so I don’t long for any freedom that was taken away. The funny thing is that I accepted the possibility of not having kids after my first divorce and never yearned for a child the way some women do. I had absolutely no idea of how much joy having kids would bring into my daily life, but I feel like it was meant to be for me. I respect your decision. Kids are not for everyone and I wish we didn’t live in a world where there was so much pressure to conform to society and have kids. Some cultures are worse than others...anyway, wish you the best!
Thank you so much for this!! Even though I don't want kids of my own, it's always lovely for me to hear from parents who describe their children as bringing them so much joy. I love that I can be happy for them (and you!!) without wanting the same life for myself. I think that's a sign of true contentment on both sides when we can feel happy for each other even though our lives are very different. Wishing you and your family so much joy! :)
@@AuthenblissityMain Absolutely! I wholeheartedly agree! It is contentment!
No one should have kids in their 40s. A much higher risk of the kids getting some disease when they are older and also you'll be in your 60s when they are 20. Good luck!
One could argue that parental age isn’t as much of a risk to children as other genetic factors or even life circumstances, income, etc. Even though my pregnancies were technically “high risk” my genetics are pretty good (all grandparents lived well into their 90s) and my lifestyle is pretty healthy so if anyone should be having children in their forties, it should be someone like me! My only regret in not having kids earlier in life is that if I started earlier, I could have had more kids! Anyway, we’re all entitled to our opinions however ludicrous they may be! Peace!
You asked for that 🤭 Trying to advocate having kids way too late in life on a childfree channel…….
I LOVE not having children.
I’m 39F
no kids!
never!
I also don’t have any children but then again I’m not married not that makes any difference in our society now.
It’s not that I don’t want children but I want to be married first, have the white picket fence etc. etc. but unfortunately things in life don’t actually work out as you plan.
I’m past that age now where children is no longer an option.
Like exactly as you said having children is a very personal option.
You choose whether to have them or not. It wasn’t really a choice for me.
God already made the choice for me whether I like it or not.
I’m at that point where I accepted it and ok with it.
I’m also glad that I don’t need to support another human being and financially I don’t need to think about the kid and only need to think about myself.
Thank you so much for sharing. I really appreciate your openness and honesty! Your comment adds another layer and more nuance to the discussion. It's very true that life doesn't always work out as planned, and we need to adapt and be flexible. There are so many different paths forward. x
If I knew having a kid or not is a choice or option....wow ....my life would be a big sucess
It's sad that so many people don't realize they have a choice.
thank you! if I had thought about this question earlier, I would definitely have decided not to have children. To get married and have 2 children was a subconscious program embedded in me since childhood. And unfortunately, I am forming the habit of living consciously only now, having 2 children...
I never wanted kids only fur babies
I do and don't want kids. I've seen miserable parents who h8 their lives and never have free time or money.... but then ive seen super happy families with alot of money and free time.... i think the only way i would want kids is if i either won the lottery or made like 500k $ a year , that way money was never a worry, i don't wanna struggle and not be able to give my kids a good life and suffer myself aswell. I the idea of enjoying holiday's, and birthdays all over again is a fun idea , seing your kids evolve sounds fun to , but what if the kid has a illness mental or physical (which they aren't any less deserving of life because of it) but thats a full-time job outside of your actual full time job.. what if the kid end ups a murderer or a drug addict or you guys just don't get along....
Ill never have a kid just to have one while making under 100k$ a year.... i guess what im saying is the risk to me is worth it but id have to be financially set with a partner i absolutely adore first.
I'm curious on how you were able to remain childless? A lot of couples may not want kids but end up with an unexpected pregnancy through a couple's normal sex life. Do you take birth control or any other precautions?
There's birth control, permanent kind if you're lucky to find a Dr to do it, plan b and abortions.
Birth control and not against abortion
Paragard IUD is over 99% effective and last 10 years
I was exactly like you in my 20s and 30s. Didn't want kids, loved my freedom, didn't have a desire for them. Now in my 40s, the regret crept in and it is difficult to cope. I wander how you would feel when you are in your 40s. If you don't have any regrets, I would like to know how you do it. I am trying to overcome childlessness now.
I'm in my 40s now, and I'm sorry that I don't have any advice on not having regrets. It's so personal when someone wants or doesn't want to have children. I just haven't felt that desire and not sure what it's like to feel the opposite. I wish I had more to share and I'm sending warmth your way. x
I think it’s because society doesn’t support people being child free after 40 so there is less to do, people are busy with their own families, and life. one thing I would suggest is moving to an area that isn’t family oriented and you can find like minded people. also, join child free groups.
Too bad you have regrets
@@wheatstonebridge Yes it is 😞
WANNA TO CONTACT YOU!
Well I hope that you are also grateful your parents didn't make this decision.
cat ladys
🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱
Yes!! I love my cat 🐈 ❤
Old age home can become very lonely without a visitor.
Having kids doesn't guarantee you will have visitors. many adult children put their parents in there + rarely if ever visit.
Getting old is lonely! With or without kids!
I’m 36 never been married don’t have children I’m totally ok with that I have other things in my life to keep me happy and occupied. Plus I enjoy my personal space and privacy. When people get older and go to a retirement home they have people their regardless if they been married with kids or Not.