Simpsons Mysteries - Kearney's Age
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- Опубликовано: 26 сен 2024
- A look at one of The Simpsons' weirdest running jokes.
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#TheSimpsons
This feels like such a throwback Simpsons Mysteries, the kind of video I would make 5 years ago. In how the evidence immediately becomes a contradictory mess and it only gets worse, the more you look into it. Kearney is definitely one of those characters that, for our own peace of mind, it's best not to think about too deeply.
(Also, I had some reports that the last couple vids were kinda quiet, so I pumped the volume a couple notches for this one. Hopefully the sound mix is better this time.)
Love to see you look into another classic Simpsons mystery
Pp
My theory is an older Kearney time traveled back and sired Kearney Jr.
I liked your Simpsons Mysteries videos! Hope you do more of them if there even are more mysteries
here in brazil his name is commonly pronounced as curley
I like the idea that Kearneys is just constantly lying about his age so he doesn’t have to pay for anything
Definitely a liar
ALL the characters on the show are lying about their age.
@@SierraSierraFoxtrot the whole Kearny family lies. Those are his brothers, and they play along because Kearny is crazy, guys. He thinks he conceived a child at 6 years old.
Or he's so dumb, he doesn't know his own age.
@@SierraSierraFoxtrot "How old are you?"
"Ten."
"How... how long have you been ten...?"
_"A while~"_
Alternate theory. Kearney was born the 1970s New York and frozen for several years after a cyonics mishap while working as a pizza delivery boy.
🤯
aw crud
I C Weiner?
Futurama reference?
I guess bro is Fry now
Kearney being 20 makes the "fake ID" joke very funny because he's only one year off.
Tbh I imagine that happens a lot irl unless you have a friend who's one year older than you that can get beer for you
21 is such a weird minimum age
@@Wishmaster787 to be fair any age is arbitrary if you think about. It should probably be 18 if that's the age we decide is the age you become an adult though. Either make adult age 21 or make drinking age 18. It's weird that an adult can't legally drink alcohol
@@foursidekm The drinking age is 18 in most countries, some even younger. The United States and a few other countries are the only ones to have the legal age as high as 21.
Which like you said, if you are an adult at 18... Then you are an adult. You should be able to have the things adults have.
18 is apparently old enough to vote, smoke, have a home mortgage, go to war, buy a gun, film a porno... But don't you dare think you can get away with ordering a beer in a bar.
@@lucydog3376 oh don't worry I know it's 18 most places. I live in the uk where it's 18
Kearney always seemed like a surreal character to me, like he represented a bully that was was way bigger and older than Bart to make him more intimidating, and then taken to an absurd degree with him being old enough to drive, have kids, be divorced, etc. As soon as you try to place him in reality and tease out a timeline, the more you feel like a social worker trying to investigate why this elementary school student has a son that sleeps in a drawer. Kearney’s whole deal is that his backstory is absurd and exaggerated, so I don’t think it’s even possible to do like a serious spotlight episode about his life without changing the details to be more realistic, which undoes the whole point of his character to begin with. Truly Kearney does a fine jig around the reality of the Simpsons
This is the optimal take. His age kinda reminds me of the Simpsons house. It constantly changes to suit the situation.
The impossible "Teenager with a teenager" quote was the writers answering the question.
Yeah, also a joke about a kid getting held back over and over.
@@jasonjayalap Not impossible, but improbable and you wish it was impossible
I actually like the idea that Kearney's son is a few years younger than Bart but was so smart that he graduated early
I think that was a conscious decision by the writers
Yes me too
I think he's shown as quite smart and mature, so that makes sense to me.
yeah but i dont think this is the case, just the writers being loose with the lore of a very very minor character
kearny Jr is supposed to be a representation of al jean
My theory is that Kearney is 20 with 2 kids, Otto was held back repeatedly so that they were in third grade together, and Kearney Jr. is around 4 years old, but ends up being a wunderkind and graduates several years early, in Bart and Milhouse's class. That covers most bits of info we have (save for the "teenager and parent of a teenager" line), and I like the idea that Kearney himself gets held back in school while Kearney Jr. skips ahead.
Headcanon: Kearney is 16 at most, and his "sons" are actually siblings that his parents have dumped on him, and he claims they're his sons for some kind of tax related reason.
It'd help explain away the playground beating of other children, his questionably aged girlfriend and why he can't buy alcohol himself. We'll assume the Bicentennial joke was just him making a joke or picking up on things adults have said, because he's older. Either alternative of him being 20 or closer to 30 are just too horrifying to think about.
that was kinda my read on it, too
Doesn't Skinner say that Kearney remembers the Bicentennial, or am I misremembering?
Honestly I’ll take this theory because frankly anything else is just not something I’d like to think about too hard lol
@@spooky6703he might be just joking or he’s just meaning he was around for it. I think of him as he’s 18 or 20 cause If he’s kid is 5 or 6 that would place him at 13-15 when the kid was born. Which isn’t too unbelievable since my brother was a father by 14.
According to this guy he’s probably 50+ as this guy seems to think air dates effect age when the characters don’t age
I always thought of Kearney as a joke on the public school system's policy of holding kids back for failing classes.
And he was just an extreme example and his age range goes for whatever is the most convenient at the time.
So he could be a teenager in elementary or a young adult who still hangs around teenagers.
I agree.
lol don’t worry they don’t hold anyone back anymore
Otto asking why Kearney was still in school when they were in 3rd grade together is one of my personal most favorite lines in the show’s history.
Oh, hello captain!
Otto is mid 20's🤣🤣🤣. I always thought he was in his late 30's. Looks old AF😂
@@Professor__S drugs man... not just weed but he does some other stuff, more hardcore things... drugs can change ya
Let's all be thankful Kearney is a simpson's character, because if this was family guy the Kearney stuff would be creepier, more uncomfortable and downright unfunny
The Otto getting held back theory holds some good water considering that in Season 2 "BART GETS AN F" He says "I got held back in the fourth grade myself. Twice! Look at me, man. Now I DRIVE the school bus!". Which means him failing 3rd grade for the 20 year old Kearney makes sense.
It's been a while since I have watched the simpsons and even longer since I watched that episode (didn't even remember that line) but I read it in Otto's voice right away
@@oxcare5 I also read it that way.
I feel like the idea of Kearney being a series of clones. It’s why they all look the same, and each new Kearney created is responsible for the next one as a “Dad” figure. It makes the most sense for me.
I have a few theories to make the kid situation less upsetting
Regarding “parent of a teenager” it’s possible that Kearny was a step-father or acting parent at the time. If he really was dating Jimbo’s mom for example, Jimbo could be his teen child in question
Another is that Kearny may be unaware where children come from, and his father may be tricking him into thinking his brothers/step brothers are his children as a way to dodge child support. This would certainly work on the young Kearny who was “worried about becoming a dad” and there is precedent as a girl tried the same trick on Bart. Maybe there is some evidence in that one sideshow bob episode where marge teaches sex ed to support this
I definitely see Kearney as a parent to Dolph and Jimbo.
Parent of a teenager also is less horrifying if you count any double digit starting with 1 as a teen. But that's still a 19 year old with a 10 year old.
I think that he might just be stupid or joking.
Alternatively, Kearny is so bad at maths that he lost track of both his own and his son's age. That would also play into the joke.
Parentification makes a lot of sense, and if he's raising a child that would explain him being held back due to missing school
My take is that he's older than a teen but keeps up his status pretending to be one and thinks it's working and nobody calls him out on it
Maybe Kearney isn't affected by whatever keeps the other characters in a floating timeline. He ages but has to fake a younger age so the others don't notice.
Kerney could be using the fake ID and maintaining the illusion of being underage in order not to weird out Dolph and Jimbo. When he says "As a teenager" he could be refering to the persona he continually and subconsiously maintains, and "as the father of a teenager" could be literal.
Everyone apart from apu seems to know Kearneys not a kid
2deep4u
Apu is too blue collar to take a risk of giving a teenager alcoholic beverages. He is the goat
They do this joke with Martin at one point
Except him and Auto went to school together.
I don't know if they still do this in high school but Kearney was kind of a common 1990s high School archetype, the kid who was held back multiple times for behavioral issues which means he'd be a legal adult when graduating but everyone was supposed to pretend he was still a kid, and you never really knew how old he actually was.
I remember that, saw plenty of those kids in my childhood.
Aren't most people legal adults when graduating though lol
@@foursidekm I was already 18 when I started my senior year of high school in '95.
@@foursidekm sure some are but from our perspective as high schoolers there was a big difference between 17 year olds and 20 year olds
@@foursidekm yeah but only barely as opposed to being 19 or 20
The panicked disgust over the possibility of child-parent Kearney is probably the most passionate we've heard Jims get yet
It really grosses me out
@@TheRealJimsI mean fair enough
@@TheRealJimsBelieve it or not, that's actually a genuine possibility. The youngest girl to ever give birth was five.
@@Hositrugunyoungest father ever was 9 though
Both of these are awful facts that I now know
13:10 Kearny is like a 4 foot tall kid in this scene with the officers, but then in the scene where he is driving the car he is like 6ft4 ; his head is touching the roof of the car while driving by that old women.
The whole 'Kearney can't buy alcohol/cigarettes' in my head is because he's trying to hide his real ID because of warrants and things, would explain why he's in jail in the little bandit episode.
Yeah, one thing that was never brought up is that some businesses won't sell age-restricted items to you if your license is expired or otherwise problematic, regardless of your age. So Kearney could be old enough to drink, but using a fake license for other reasons.
my thought was that maybe he is on a no sell list because he is known to give it to underaged drinkers...
That a brilliant theory
Kearney being a fugitive in hiding actually makes a decent amount of sense. I say this because I’m constantly being mistaken for someone in the 18-20 range despite being 26 and nearing 27. And that is with facial hair. When I shave completely, Im easily able to blend in with a group of teenagers (I know this because I used to work at a school and got hassled by substitute teachers on more than one occasion. XD)
And I’m not the only one. There are people older than me who look even younger. I’m on the more mild end of baby faced.
So given the Springfield PDs incompetence, Kearney could easily hide among the local kids without fear of discovery.
@@KarlPHorse yeah I have the same issue... Especially when I go to buy alcohol or cigarettes, I barely drink and I don't smoke I get them for my mom.
I can't go around the high school or the middle school because of this. I once got stopped by a teacher who thought I was skipping class, it wasn't until one of my old teachers noticed, because I forgot my ID, and told them I graduated three years ago.
All of the craziness aside, Kearny yelling at Skinner & Chalmers to get away from his car when they’re trying to pry off the H still gets me every time.
same LOL
Kearney being in third grade with Otto could could be a hilariously deep meta joke implying that Otto is quite a bit older, but was held back for several years in third grade.
As a result of both Homer's incompetence at the plant and Frink's Mad Science, Springfield is trapped in a strange time paradox where time does pass and yet nobody inside Springfield changes which can explain why Martin is 36 years old with wife and kids but still in elementary school and Kearny is in his 40s with a kid and how Grandpa can be a WW2 Vet and still functional at 119 years old
That's a great Treehouse of Horror idea, the town that doesn't age
That would explain so much! I even saw a picture of Homer’s license with his birth date on there. There’s other shows like SpongeBob that have done that sort of thing but I always am fascinated by how these cartoons work around stuff like that and the ages of the characters.
maybe burns is responsible for the town being ageless because of his nuclear radiation in the atmosphere altering them. as a result, everyone can survive fatal accidents, their memories are fogged up, their personalities are twisted and exaggerated, etc. and burns does all this so he can stay alive forever and continue being rich.
It actually traces back to homers prayer in maggie makes three, god agreed not to change things so time became a bit...unstuck. Kearney knows, he worked it out, its why he became a member lf the church board. Teenager and parent of a teenager is him expressing the existential horror he feels
I always wondered if the show went on long enough if Grandpa would suddenly become a veteran of Korea or Vietnam or something instead.
The Simpsons takes place in an infinite number of realities, and Kearny’s age is different in every single one
A theory that could also make it all work is if Kearney Jr is a younger brother who he ended up legally adopting to prevent him from going into the system and the baby Kearney we see around is his actual child. It would explain so much about why he's a teenager who's the father of a teenager because he ended up having to legally adopt a younger sibling when one parent went to jail and the other went to the asylum. And then he ended up getting someone pregnant and rushed to marry them ending up with baby Kearney and eventually divorced that person which was hard on his brother that he legally adopted. There have been a few cases of older siblings having to legally adopt younger siblings so for all intense and purposes they are the legal guardian or parent of their sibling. Often times the state wants to keep families together, but if one sibling is still a teenager themselves the only way to really keep them together is for the older sibling to legally adopt the younger one because it then becomes harder for the state to separate them.
A reverse Jack Nicholson.
This is an interesting possibility, although calling your kids Kearney and Kearney Jr would be unusual.
@@leafsnail5612 RealJims and the Simpsons Wiki name him, but I don't recall if the show has ever actually done the same. "Kearney Jr." is more of a simple way for us to refer to his existence instead of "Kearney's son".
@@phineas81707 Yeah you might be right then. It'd be funny if Kearney's dad's child support payments are actually meant to be going to Kearney himself.
This is honestly the best outcome compared to the others yet is still extremely fucked up and sad his child himself and his brother are doomed in so many different ways to have so many different problems.
I think it's supposed to be like Mr. Burn's where it's a running gag.
Despite everything. It is kinda cool how consistent is that Kearney and his son have a good relationship in every appearance.
he sleeps in a drawer
@@Demilich23 He's cool with it.
its cute
@@Demilich23my lil cousin literally fell asleep in a kitchen on the floor babys will sleep anywhere at anytime
Ever notice that they keep combining Maggie and Kearny for some reason? He dresses up like her in the school play, his kid fights her, and he’s there when she’s in labor.
Kearney turning his life around and eventually working for the government in the future was always so damn interesting to me. He’s like a character in a Wes Anderson movie, where there’s so much more going on with them than what we’re being shown
I feel like that career path involved trouble with the law, Army recruitment, moving him into a security guard position after a semi-honorable discharge, and slow creep up the private security ranks until his old halfway house mentor (now a staffer for a minor White House official) gives him a break on his background check and he's in the Secret Service.
Damn... now I want to write that whole story
update: I prompted AI to write the story and it came out exactly as I envisioned it. but boring
It happened to me. i was a fuckup through MOST of my life, but I turned it around a few years ago and wound up landing a low level government desk job. Since then I've been a pretty good ladder climber, shit is improving a lot for me and the future seems a lot brighter now. I'm not Secret Service or anything, but hey, it's working out.
Feels less special to me given that it more or less follows Bart being a shoe-in for the Supreme Court.
Maybe Kearney is pretend student at school and is a police informant?
maybe kearney's sons are actually his little brothers, and he's acting as their father cuz his parents aren't consistent enough
Alright, I've got a theory to make the whole "Parent of a teenager" gag work without it being unnecessarily creepy: For that particular joke Kearney is in the 18-19 age range and was dating an older woman with a teenage son. So he's not talking about Kearney Jr. or Weird Muscular Baby but an unseen third stepson. This might have been during that period where he was dating Jimbo's mom...
or the easier one, Kearny Jr. is his little brother, who he adopted when his parents ended up in a jail and an asylum. Kearny Jr. might only be a few years younger than him, making him a teenage parent of a teenager without being a biological parent of anyone (except possibly his Other Son.)
I always just assumed that Kearney was usually meant to be around 15-18, unless they make this joke. They do similar stuff with Flanders either being 60 or Homer's age depending on the episodes, Moleman being a genuine elder or his 30s, or Mr. Burns being 81, 104, or completely ancient.
I think he was created to be another kid bully. Shaved head, kind of husky, fits in well with the other three styles of the 4 bullies. But then the idea of him having a kid as a joke just broke through, and it opened the flood gates for age jokes on a character that as far as I feel, was never meant to be of questionable age in the beginning.
It’s kind of like the undercover student Martin joke from that recent episode. Except instead of being a one off joke it became a part of his actual character.
Whose the fourth other bully? There's Jimbo, Dolph and sometimes Nelson, who'd I miss?
@@SineN0mine3 three other styles of the 4 total bullies? You’re missing Kearney.
Honestly though I originally forgot about Dolph and wrote 3 bullies. So mixups and this comment go hand in hand.
I mean yeah we all know it wasn’t planned, nothing in this show is
@@SineN0mine3bart is also a bully every now and again aswell
I’m going with “Kearney Jr. is his little brother or cousin that he’s adopted but was so small when it happened he just knows Kearney as dad.”
You know how whenever you mention Hans Moleman being old and someone will comment INSISTING that he's actually 31 because of a single joke in a single episode? This video is like that for 19 minutes and it's great.
Maybe Kearney is the oldest kid in the school by a year or two, because he got held back, and that's led to an in-joke about his age around school? And maybe those kids are actually younger brothers that he has to watch, but they joke that they're his kids as an outgrowth of the age joke?
And Skinner would just be participating in that in-joke, and Kearney is just playing along.
It doesn't explain everything, but it's the kind of long running in-joke I could totally see developing in a school setting/friend group.
"Forbidden Kearney Lore" is such a great combination of words.
I like when he casually says stuff like "he's got that BLE, Big Lenny Energy" or "lisa, the simpsons' odie equivalent" lol making the most ridiculous stuff sound so factual
Kerney’s age might be ambiguous, but his caliber of father is not, he is very involved in his children’s lives, props for attempting to break the cycle
Kearney was born on February the 29th, so he's only had 16 birthdays but he's been alive for 64 years... That's how he can see himself as a teenager while having a teenage son...
Perfect!
Brilliant.
best answer.
springfield schools are so bureaucratic and rule-obsessed that they refuse to acknowledge his true age and hold him back til he has a birthday every 4 years
You missed Skinner trying to steal the ‘H’ off of his Hyundai in the school parking lot. One of my favorite Kearney jokes!
But the upper end of 16-19 is the most plausible answer. I’m going to go with 17. Four year old son, able to drive, not able to buy cigarettes or booze, still in elementary school.
Also consider: they couldn’t force a legal adult to stay in elementary school, so if he is 18 or older, at least that would give him a wholesome motive for staying in (elementary) school.
I am going to mention something as a factor, siblings.
1) Unless the episode specifically calls him Kearney, it's reasonable to assume that it is a sibling Zzyzwicz
2) When he calls himself a "Parent of a teenager" it would make sense for him to be referring to taking on the role of parent in the case of siblings, especially with the mention of both parents being put away
Another possibility with the "Parent of a teenager" line is that he fosters, or perhaps it's the child of a girl he is dating.
As far not being able to buy alcohol, assuming it's not a sibling Zzyzwicz, perhaps it's not about age but due to his legal trouble he is not allowed to buy it as part of his parole?
Idk if it could be his girlfriends kids because they look exactly like him no?
Zzyzwicz is his last name, for anyone else who was immensely confused by this comment.
@@hoodedman6579you just saved me from a breakdown, thank you
@@jalengee8421 I meant he was referring to a different child
@@hoodedman6579is this not common knowledge?
Kearney buying beer from the Kwik-E-Mart with a fake ID could potentially be explained by him using a false identity in case he’s caught buying alcohol for minors.
Confession: I haven't watched the Simpsons in like 15 years. I watch your videos because I enjoy listening to people talk about their passions and because your voice is so soothing.
Thanks! It's always really nice to hear that from folks who haven't been following the show lately (or some that have never watched the show!) 😀
@@TheRealJims Enjoy the videos too but soothing voice?
Same here!
Same here! Tapped out of the show around season 11, but when I found this channel several years ago nostalgia and curiosity about what these characters have been up over the past 20 years got me listening. I stay subscribed to this day out of respect for Jim's passion and dedication and because goddamn his voice really is so relaxing to listen to.
Your voice *is* really soothing! I also am a golden era purist and haven't watched the show since the movie. But I love these videos and The Simpson's is still one of my fave all-time shows. @@TheRealJims
I much prefer to believe that Kearney Jr is adopted and just so happens to resemble Kearney for comedic effect. The idea of him just finding a tiny duplicate of himself whilst passing an orphanage one day is both more hilarious and wholesome imo.
That or like Tails from Sonic 2, it's actually a different Kearny that shows up each time when something happens to him and everyone thinks there's only one of him.
Kearney is 19. He used Homer just to get free smokes, is old enough to go to jail, a "teen" and remembers the Bicentennial from the womb.
He used to be a high flier and got bumped straight from kindergarten into 3rd grade, where the school just couldn't teach him (he's a visual learner). Otto got held back a few years.
Kearney Jr. was adopted when Kearnie turned 18, (he planned to do it since he was 14) and shaves his head to be more like his new dad.
This is your best video so far, when you got onto the kid, the younger one (until in season 40 when it’s revealed Kearny Junior is older than Kearny himself) I totally lost it, brilliant video. Keep up the good work!
I always thought weird muscular baby is supposed to parallel but not be connected to kearney. It's the writers saying that even the baby world has a big strong bully like Kearney. Maybe he looks like that because in the simpsons world, that's just what bullies look like?
Then why don’t all bullies look that way? Why is he called kerneys kid in the mobile game?
I honestly think that Kearny being 20 and his son being 3-4 makes the most sense of the things we've seen. He had a son before 18 so he was forced to marry his son's mom when he became 18 but it didn't worked out so they divorced, he got another son shortly after and he works to mantain them which leaves him little time to focus on school, also he doesn't want to focus. Put it like that Kearney's life seems really rough.
Those Simpson Mysteries really lifted our spirits after Watergate.
what the hell is your profile picture
@@gladosbutstupid8807porn
@gladosbutstupid8807 must be your first day online? Welcome to the internet, that's cropped hentai.
@@gladosbutstupid8807that’s a creative way to ask for the sauce
@@gladosbutstupid8807a moaning waifu, apparently 🤷
So, to explain away the more uncomfortable things:
Otto was held back repeatedly, much like with Kearney, so by the time Kearney entered the Third Grade Otto was leaving it.
He describe Kearney Junior as his son, but he's actually a young sibling that, due to a troubled home life, he is doing his best to raise as his own.
Kearney Junior is himself quite smart for his age, and is skipping grades, hence why he's catching up to Kearney.
Kearney himself actually is pretty sharp, and Springfield has improved somewhat (or just pushing him along) and due to that, he ends up making it to assistant principle once he gets his lige together.
I like this theory
And sense he’s been around so long him becoming a assistant principal would not be to impossible considering he knows everyone all schedules n has a great relationship with everyone so no one would oppose
kearney's age is a bit like Burns' age thinking about it, the writers are never quite accurate with how old they want to make him. there is one of the first times seeing him trying to hire safety guru homer in which homer thinks he's 100 but Burns tells him he's 81, there's the hellfish episode where he gets caught in Grandpa's floating timeline actually appearing to be a younger, cowardly and effectively useless recruit to Abe's unit but there are many things in Burns' timeline that would make him over 100 years old and while he appeared younger than Abe in the hellfish days he wins an award for being the oldest man in springfield, older than Grandpa
Honestly really enjoy how nebulous Kearney's age situation is. If one day the writers decided to commit to him just being a teen like the rest, we'd miss out on alot of Kearney appearances and jokes. If they went the other direction, made him an adult, he wouldn't be able to compete with characters like Snake.
He doesn't need to compete?
It's a fun hook that works. I'm actually surprised there hasn't (to my knowledge) been a Kearney spotlight that ruins the joke. We got Jeff Albertson and he's the worse for it.
yeah, it’s like constantly exaggerating and playing with the “juvenile delinquent who is a little too old” trope
Watched the whole video.
"Do it for Ker" is what earned my like.
Random theory, but it may be possible Kearney's Other Son is in his ex-wife's custody, so that is why we only see him with his older kid. I could imagine the court giving custody of an actual infant to his mother rather than a guy who hasn't actually moved out of his parents' house and still hasn't finished Elementary.
As for how he got custody of his older son, I imagine he got Judge Snyder's sympathy in some way, like Bart did that one time complaining about having a younger sister.
It's likey he has custody of the older son, and not the infant. Because the mother isn't allowed to have unsupervised contact with children around 5 and up, but can be granted full custody of infant/toddler range children.
This would also mean Kearneys parents likely gave their under age son a blessing for him to marry an older girl/woman who abused him at a very young age.
This actually happens irl with s3x offender parents some times and much more often with mothers.
There a heart wrenching cases of minor male victims being forced to pay child support. Or ending up in legal trouble for back child support once they turn 18.
It's all just awful :(
I think when Kearney said he was a "teenager who's the father of a teenager" the joke is that he thinks of himself as a teenager when he's very clearly not (hence why he has a teenage son)
I think you should still do a simpsons history on him. He really stands out from the other bullies.
What if Kearny and Kearny Jr are brothers but Kearny has taken the role of parent because their dad isn’t around?
I think this is a situation that’s made even more confusing by the floating timeline dynamic. If we’re going by modern Simpsons the bicentennial thing is basically useless since not even Homer would be able to remember that in the current run.
By the original timeline Maggie would be the age of modern-day Homer. And Grandpa would be a lot over 100, maybe around 110 years old.
i always thought the joke of as both a teen and parent of a teen was him joking about being the leader of the other bullies, as if he's a dad figure to them.
With all this detail on his age, you have overlooked the ice cream sandwiches concealed in his armpits.
Underrated comment
I suspect Kearney doesn't know how old he or his son are, since he's failed grade school math for close to a decade. He may not have a valid ID.
I honestly think the Divorce joke in S8 was just meant to be a one-off joke never meant to be taken seriously or lead into something, but later seasons tried to replicate the humor that "Kearney is old lol" with his son's reappearances.
Probably the long and short of it.
It can be serious and the timeline still makes sense. My explanation of the situation: Kearney's father had him, left them, had a child with another woman and left them as well. Kearney probably liked that other woman and in one of his "responsible" moments realised that while he had a bad childhood, his brother should do better and needs a father figure. So he offered to marry that woman (which she would accept for example if she had a religious family nagging her about a kid without a husband) and assumed the fatherly role for his half-brother. Of course this arrangement failed and they divorced, but he still takes care of the kid.
There, problem of contradiction solved, nothing illegal or unethical, Kearney is actually a great guy.
The concept of Kenny taking kid's lunch money to support his family is so wholesomely dark I want it to be true.
I think there’s an option here that you’ve missed. He already has a rough home life. Could one of his “sons” be a younger sibling who he has to raise because his mother is unable/unwilling? It’s unfortunately common IRL, and would help straighten out some of the inconsistencies.
True but having two would still not be impossible either
Usually it's the other way around - a family pretends a teen parent and child are siblings. It happened to Jack Nicholson. But the scenario you described is plausible.
Honestly, I think it's inspiring how he's still going to school. If he's old enough, he could drop out, but no, he chooses to stay in school.
The floating timeline makes it impossible to determine someone's exact age unless the show's writers explicitly say how old a character is.
Can't forget when Skinner and Chalmers try to steal the "H" from Kearney's Hyundai to replace Skinner's Honda's "H" and he screams out the window to stay away from his car
Okay, depressing theory, but what if Kearney Jr. is actually Kearney's lil-brother, and he has to have a fatherly role since both his parents are either in an institution or prison. So more of a family-adoption type of ordeal, maybe Jr. was just a baby when both his parents went away, which could explain why the name is just Kearney Jr, and could slide in well still to explain the young-kearney theory.
And Kearney is trying to be a father-figure that ”Kearney Jr” Will probraly never have. Thats a good theory to be honest
I don't know how or why but this made me really like Kearney more as a character. I love when they do completely absurd and random things with their side characters because they can but then also somehow keep it somewhat consistent but never actually explain anything.
I think it's just that most people remember that one kid at school who got held back a couple of years and looked way older than everyone else in their grade due to how quickly kids grow. I think that's really the entire scope of the gag. I don't think they ever had any specific age in mind for him, and his age can be pretty much anything as needed to make the joke work. I get it, though, it's fun to speculate on stuff like this.
I got held back a single year but have the weird birthday thing meaning I was 2 years older than most people in my grade, you can make a lot of money buying people cigarettes In a small country town
I always figured that Kearney might have a condition that makes his body age at an decelerated rate. This fixes a lot of the problems, and even at a stretch makes the teenager/teenager comment make sense - if it's an inherited condition, perhaps his son is 13 but has the body of a 6-year old, while he's 33 but has the body of a 16-year old. So he's physically a teenager while his son is chronologically a teenager. It's also possible that the weird muscular baby has the reverse condition, causing him to get swole despite still being a baby.
However, this does then raise the issue of why he's at school if he's 33... though perhaps it's a loophole because of his physical age. After all, if he's an elementary school student, he doesn't have to pay taxes!
The SImpsons universe is caught in a weird chrono-bubble, where time does advance, but people don't age or are really aware of it. Kearney however is different. He does age forward, but then gets violently pulled back into being a teenager. Everything is explainable if you consider Kearney being an anomaly inside the chrono-bubble that keeps the Simpsons as young, or old, as they are. He does get older, gets children and has romances, but every so often he is pulled back into his teenage years. And since he doesn't really change visually, noone notices or cares.
My personal headcanon is Kearny has 4 kids
1. Kearny Jr
2. Normal Baby
3. Weird Muscular Baby
4. Adopted Teenager (explains away the 'teenager and parent of a teenager' joke without it being creepy)
Let's not forget how old Flanders actually is in that episode where he gets the senior discount
The "As a teenager and the father of a teenager" thing could also be because his family life is so bad he has taken on the father role to a younger sibling or cousin, who may also have a kid who Kearney looks after as a father. Its kind of scary to think he would be the most responsible one tho. Plus this theory cab also account for how he could be a dad at like 6 years old.
Wow, This Simpsons mystery is really lifting the nations spirit after Watergate!
I always assumed that Kernie's son was his adopted sibling, either officially or unofficially. Also figured he was about 16-19, and couldn't buy beer because he didn't have his real id or was so used to pretending to be younger. Never really thought about it much, so it's really cool that I found this video.
The _“as a teenager and the parent of a teenager”_ comment could be explained away as him having a step kid or adopted kid. The dates are still funky but it’s more plausible. His comment about being nervous about becoming a dad I always took as _“hypothetically in the future”,_ not _“in the coming months”._
I’ve always liked this little running joke, particularly how paradoxical it is, contradicting itself at every turn. It makes it more fun and interesting than a more consistent, law abiding running joke would be.
This show has a habit of doing things like this and it just adds to the overall character of the town and its inhabitants.
TLDR: Kearney is an ageless being who exists outside the realms of old and young, unrestricted by the normal laws of ageing, and that’s how we like him :)
The biggest revelation of this video for me is his name is Kearney
Fun fact, Kearney is called "Patata" (Italian for potato) in Italian.
(Jimbo is called "Secco" - which literally means "dry" but it's likely intended to be in the colloquial synonym for "dead" - and Dolph is called "Spada", meaning "sword")
Interesting I wonder why
I think Kearney's eldest son is actually his little brother whom he took guardianship of as a child because their parents were so criminally neglectful.
Kearney's infant son may actually be his newly born offspring.
Kearney is about 16, Jr is about 5, baby is 1 or younger.
After “This is all your fault, Armin!” I had to pause for a solid two minutes so I could hear what you had to say next over my laughter. Well done.
My theory is that there are several Kearneys of different ages and they swap roles on occasion, and older Kearneys father child Kearneys
The Kearney that Skinner and Otto remember is not the same as the Kearney they're currently talking to, but he has to play along for whatever reason, probably to cover up the Kearnspiracy
Him being ambiguously old is perfect and I don't want them to give him a concrete age. I still remember seeing bully-type teens with his vibe at some of my schools that also were either young-looking but way too old, OR old-looking yet actually young. In the end, you really never know.
Of all the pop culture theory videos I’ve watched, this is the first Simpson’s one and I was totally expecting it to be about 400% more tongue-in-cheek. 15 minutes later I’m like scratching my head and pounding my fist like it’s a religious conspiracy.
This feels like a throwback to your Herman video! Very well done!
These are the kinds of videos you get when you try to make sense out of a cartoon show where characters can die one episode and become president the next
I feel like the point to the adult Kearney joke is that there’s some kids who look like they’re way older than they really are. At least that was the root of it & then The Simpsons completely ran with it as usual
I just assumed the fake ID was to try and get around a ban on the sale of tobacco and alcohol to Kearney even though he was of age to purchase them.
That's a good point
Kearny is in his own timeline, everyone else is in the floating one, he continues to get older physically, which caused his mind to snap and why people dont know that he is his real age.
Otto is definitely in his 40s
There is a perfect explanation and it makes Kearny seem like an awesome guy. Kearney's father had him, left them, had a child with another woman and left them as well. Kearney probably liked that other woman and in one of his "responsible" moments realised that while he had a bad childhood, his brother should do better and needs a father figure. So he offered to marry that woman (which she would accept for example if she had a religious family nagging her about a kid without a husband) and assumed the fatherly role for his half-brother. Of course this arrangement failed and they divorced, but he still takes care of the kid.
There, problem of contradiction solved, nothing illegal or unethical, Kearney is actually a great guy.
Thanks for all the deep dives! I don’t comment often but been watching for years! Really enjoy these ❤
I think Otto said he was held back 3 times in 3rd grade in an early season episode where Bart is afraid he’ll fail the 3rd grade.
Pre watch prediction , Kearney is an elder God who changes age to mess with people.
Edit: the fact that this could make the teenager line possible is hilarious
Surprised that hasn’t been a treehouse of horror plot yet
The Melancholy of Kearney Zzyzwicz
Let’s go with that, yeah.
If you don't mind a Histories suggestion here, I think a weird one that might work would be the Springfield Mall. It's such a background element and as far as I know never gets much spotlight in and of itself, but it features heavily in a lot of storylines and with certain characters, like the Leftorium and Lionel Hutz's office, and is introduced all the way back in Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire.
I like the idea that he's in his late twenties or 30ish and that he just can't drive for... reasons. That has happened to many and it would be on brand with Kearney
Serious answer: 20. Old enough to have a 5 year old son (who i'm just assumed skipped a few grades to be graduating with Bart and Milhouse), way too old to be in this grade, still just a bit too young to buy alcohol.
Personal headcanon answer: 30. Old enough to have multiple kids and because him being THAT old is more comfortable and way funnier. He can't show ID because he's on the run for several crimes.
Judging by his immaturity, I think he absolutely COULD buy a beer, but chooses to use fake IDs since he never fully grew up, and he's actually much older than he appears. Plus, in that episode with the bullies as kids with bart and lisa, they consider a chihuahua a "big dog", so from THEIR recollection, everyone is bigger than them. It's possible to rework the continuity error as them misremembering Kearney as being younger, and he was actually much older, but still thinks of himself as a kid. But yeah, it's weird to think about.
The point of an ID is to take your appearance out of the equation. If he's old enough to drink but looks too young, then him looking young shouldn't matter because he can apply for an ID.
@@Bruh-zx2mc Yes? Basically, I'm saying he HAS a real ID, because he looks young but is actually much older. However, he chooses not to use it because he wants the rush if getting away with a fake ID, because he wants to feel young and fit in with the other kids.
And things like his feelings towards Santa show how he hasn't fully matured by being held back in the system so much.
Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a Kerney's other son!
On a semi-related note, I've always found Bart and Lisa's grades and ages weird. If Lisa was 10 and in 4th grade, her level of intelligence would be a little more believable. Plus playing in the school band usually becomes available in 4th grade. If Bart was 12 and in 6th grade, he could still be in elementary school (cause some schools move you on at 7th/8th grade) but he still wouldn't be a teenager yet. Overall, them being a little older makes more sense for both of them.
It would make the Bart love stories more believable too.
Things like Kearney’s fake ID I chalk up to his criminal record, as well as buying beer for his friends, who are in fact minors