I experienced enmeshment, to a degree, with my family (especially my mother); it was definitely a pattern on her side of the family, as she was enmeshed with my grandmother. She really resisted any attempt I made at individuating, both as a teen and as a young adult in college. After I graduated, college, under immense family pressure and a fear of living on my own, I got immediately married (thanks, enmeshment). After my divorce shortly after, I decided I’d rather be challenged by living alone than move back home and be under my mom’s thumb again. The freedom was scary and hard, but it was LIBERATING. I began to do what I wanted to, see whom I wanted to, and conduct my life exactly as I pleased… which infuriated my mom because she wanted to have her say (and so did my grandmother!). Unfortunately, my boundary-setting eventually resulted in my mom giving me the silent treatment. She hasn’t spoken to me since 2005 and honestly… I don’t miss the constant grip she had on me and my decision-making. I wish I had a mom, but not at the risk of having to compromise my individuality.
Im 23 and finishing my college degree and still live at home. My mom is co-dependent and doesn’t work much and spends a lot of time at home doing nothing and still asks me to go out and run her errands for her. My therapists said to practice the art of saying no without actually saying the word, making me less available for her basically. It’s still really hard because she thinks I’m being disrespectful because of it but I love how you said that setting boundaries is like a muscle. I’m hoping it will get easier with time because it is still very triggering feeling like I’m making my mom so upset.
At this point my parents dont have to even open their mouths. It triggers me just to be at home, and my therapist wants me to work on this exactly! (How did you know?!?!? ;)) Thanx kati!
Unknown Name I felt that... Unfortunately I’m still stuck at home and I’m 20... My home life is very toxic and I feel I’ll be stuck here forever... I’m slowly breaking free.
One thing my therapist told me is that I always have a choice. So I chose to estrange myself from my parents and feel fantastic about it with zero regrets. Sometimes boundaries are great and very effective but other times it is pointless if they are narcissistic or heavily enmeshed.
@@laimaiu totally relate. Well ... That shouldn't happen if people around you is emotionally mature. But that's not very common. For me the only way is finding myself things to do and taking short breaks from them when I'm at home. Like going to the cafe on my own with a book. Etc. It's still difficult.
I’ve had to really work on this for the last few years. My sister, who had a much closer relationship with my parents, moved overseas when we were in our early 20s and my parents shifted all their expectations from her to me. My dad in particular has told me for years that when they get old i will buy a house with a granny flat for them to live in, and i will look after them. My mum has told me I can’t move too far away because they won’t be able to visit. They have both strongly influenced who i should have relationships with (romantic and plutonic), career and financial choices, and as a result i grew a lot of resentment towards them. I moved to another town and started seeing a therapist and learning about boundaries. Lo and behold, when i started saying no, my relationship with them improved greatly. We can now disagree on topics without it becoming a screaming match. It’s still challenging at times, but it has gotten a lot easier.
How is this possible? My mother literally called me worthless last week because I spilled something(she said it in the way someone would say something they meant with their whole heart). I deeply internalized it. I even cried about it last night. Thank you for reminding me that I can reject her narrative. I'm a good person. I help others, I rescue animals, and most importantly: I love and take care of her. She's always been a very critical person and I think it's easy for me to fall back into my childlike interactions with her. I'm not worthless. Maybe she feels worthless? Regardless, I need to remain in control of my own feelings/reactions. Thank you, Kati. I wish I could repay you for all the help you give to others ❤
This is exactly what I needed right now! I feel I have no control over anything and my parents trigger me so much and say some really shitty things, so this is a massive help. Thanks Kati!
I had a super cruel mother and only recently realized she was a narcissist. We were no contact most of my adulthood and I felt awful about that for ages. Then I had a thought, that she was sick. She had trauma of her own that she rarely shared, but enough to know that no one taught her how to be. That wasn't her fault and it absolutely wasn't mine. Going no contact was like putting her in quarantine. That's what you have to do to people who are sick or toxic. You protect others from spreading their sickness. It's an act of self love. Mom is gone now and I wished her peace. I'm still angry now and then from some left ofer stuff. I consider that okay. I work on it when it comes up.
Done Dennison I hear you ♥️ Is it okay if I ask what made her so cruel? I’m currently struggling with guilt over my recent estrangement, wondering if she was ‘bad enough’ to estrange or whether it’s better to communicate again and accept the good and not so good side of her personality.
I experienced this years ago when after 4 years of university I , because of money, needed to return to live at home, and stayed there from age 22 to 25 until I could fund my own place
I have awesome parents but there’s definitely enmeshment. They took care of everything for me up until college when I met my ex & they took over. When we split I found at age 31yrs I had no idea how to “adult”. I’m great w/ making & NOT spending $ but I’d never handled paying a bill or even made my own Dr appts. I had to learn how to be OK spending $ on myself to cover my basic needs. I had to learn how to feed myself (other then cereal 😹) & make sure my car gets oil changes. I’m finally starting to trust that I can take care of myself & I no longer feel helpless! 👍
Aaron Miller it’s so fucked up. I have a high stress job mixing IV drugs in a cleanroom. A mistake could cost between $50-$50,000 or could literally KILL a patient, but I LOVE my job!! At the same time I would have a panic attack if I left my packed lunch at home. I make decent money but I’d usually just not eat rather then buy something way overpriced at the cafeteria. I felt so guilty spending money on myself even for things I NEEDED like new work shoes. I’m doing much better though and just bought a new phone completely on my own to replace my iPhone 5 when it finally gave up and I don’t feel guilty!
I feel you. I just got my own place at 30 and for the longest, I struggled to believe I could do it for one reason or another. My dad dedintely wasn't very encouraging about getting his children bgg out of his nest. I think it was for selfish reasons b/c he would always mention him wanting me to take care of him. Anyway, it was scary but I made the move in July. I not only got my own place, but moved to a new city AWAY from the toxicity. Paying rent, electric bills, car insurance, etc is a new challenge but it is possible and I'm making it b/c of God and you can too.
I'm a 21 year old girl who deals with high functioning autism. So I can relate to this. In elementary school and middle school I used to get ignored, teased and treated like I was a pest. I used to get told by other kids that I was weird, annoying, a baby and immature by kids my age and I started to believe it as I got older, and still to this day. I used to be in special Ed classes in public school and had my friends in that class who I can relate to due to similar problems. But kids out of my class used to treat me like crap. I gained a best friend I met when when I was ten in class that I'm still friends with today. In middle school I used to have a crush on a boy in my grade, but he didn't feel the same way and his friends used to tease me, which led me to loose trust in my peers and give up on trying to socialize in 7th grade. I've been in therapy since I was 12 because of my anti social tendencies. When I got to high school things changed when I was seeing my best friend in camp and saw her everyday in class, which made my life very happy. Now that I'm out of high school and don't see her on a daily basis, it's been hard for me to find friends in college that I can have the same connection with. While I do have a good boyfriend and I get out and socialize hear and their with my friends in public school, I still feel like I'm in that 12 year old me's mindset. This video was really good for me to hear, although I have a steady family life, unfortunately I have been letting the negative things I was told by kids in elementary school and middle school define me.
I have seen that before. One of the symptoms she mentioned I definitely related to was that a lot of girls with asd tend to imitate behavior from others specifically other girls to fit in. I noticed I been doing that a lot throughout my life. I was lucky enough to get diagnosed early when I was 3, since I was lower functioning at that time but started making progress when I was 8.
"getting stuck in old narratives" this really resonated with me, thanks for posting this Kati, struggling today and i really appreciate you sharing this 💛
What do you do about family members that treat you like a child (especially in front of other people)? I avoid those people like the plague, but they still act and talk to me as if a was an incompetent child. I believe they are toxic, but I can't cut them out of my life, and being assertive with them just encourages them to fight and be snarky. WHAT DO YOU DO?!?
"I believe they are toxic, but I can't cut them out of my life, and being assertive with them just encourages them to fight and be snarky." If they are toxic, then set some boundaries, and hold yourself to those boundaries. You have to be accountable to yourself - that goes for most things in life. If that means you see them less or even cut them out of your life because they continue to disregard your boundaries, then that's what is necessary. You cannot control other people's behavior. You have to do the work to change yourself.
Needed this video so badly. I live with my mother and we have had a very tense relationship with her all my life, I’m now 42. She has no sense of boundaries and knows how to push my buttons. I always fall right back to old ways of dealing with it. With my therapist, I’m trying to work on learning better ways of responding to it. It’s super hard not to go back into old patterns/stories, especially because I can’t change her and she’s unwilling to seek help on her end. I can’t move out anytime soon, so I have no choice in dealing with this. Ugh, it’s so hard!
The biggest issue I have is how do respond to others who are boundary violators. Certain people can trigger angry violent thoughts in my head as a reaction to the boundary being breached. I feel guilty about it but I really can’t help it bc it’s a fight or flight response. I am a covert incest survivor and my own mom gave me no privacy whatsoever. I know that I definitely have some anger from the boundary violation I went through as a boy and what others are doing in my life currently could be triggering a familiar response. Back then I was helpless against what was happening. At least now I have the power and ability to speak up for myself and be assertive. I just want to ensure that I’m not offending anyone or being hateful by asserting myself. Thanks for the video Katie! It was very helpful.
I had to create boundaries at work when my coworkers were harassing me. I had to talk to my therapist and learn what to be affected by when it came down to what they were saying and doing and how to handle it professionally. Now I know that what was really best was walking away from the job and finding a new one.
My unhealthy relationship is with myself and after moving halfway around the world to try and escape me and reinvent myself I'm still stuck in the same headspace I was in at 11 and my coping mechanisms are slowly killing me.
I'm 68 now and I could never defend myself against my dad either. When he died in 2005, I was so RELIEVED and glad he was gone. Sad but it is what it is and was what it was.
I'm 30, and reading your comments made me seriously more afraid for the future. My dad is 60 and is healthier than average people his age. Am I unconsciously hopeful that his death should be near? Should I not be a coward and resolutely cut our tie if that is the only thing that I think could heal my self and our relationship?
I'm way better now. Never been better all my life. Trust the process! Écoute-moi, mon ami. Aimes-tu la liberté ? Voudrais-tu t'enfuir d'ici ? Aimerais-tu t'évader ? Veux-tu revivre à la vie, Marcher sans chaînes à tes pieds ? Oh, réponds-moi, mon ami, Aimerais-tu t'évader ?
I learned to step away from toxic people after a video you did on it, Kati. I think it might have been about toxic relationships. It made me realise that I'd a lot of very negative people in my life that were very toxic, the majority of them being on the maternal side of my family. I distanced myself from the majority of them and it's like a weigh has been lifted. It was really hard and I was sad because family is family, but it was the only way I could move forward. Thank you for doing these videos, you've changed so many people's lives for the better xx
Well done! I've had tp do the same in the past. It's very difficult at first but over time you will be amazed at how different life can be without them.. well done on taking control of your well being 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
@@EveArtie Thank you! It honestly feels like a weight has been lifted, now. At the time, though, I thought my world was ending when in reality it was nowhere near that dramatic lol.
Can you do a video on intimate relationship advice for those who have experienced trauma and their partner?? Like what to do when triggered and how to soothe and be there for the person whose experienced great trauma. Lovely video as always thank you so much! 🤗
I needed this. Thank you Kati. My dad told me that I should talk to my adopted mom. I told him that I am an adult and I can make a choice of who I can talk to and who I want in my life.
I am not sure.. but the more I am online and the more patients I see the more I do think it's almost inevitable.. ugh. Working on putting together a series on it. xoxo
Great question! I’ve pondered over this so much. And, thank you Kati for answering, and working on a series to better explain it. You are doing such great work on this platform, and have helped me tremendously! ♥️
@@Katimorton thank you so much for everything you give to your channel. I do hope you realise how appreciated you are by us viewers across the world 🙏🏽🙏🏽
That’s what I started doing once I had realization that I need to change and now that I heard it over here am thankful I that I kept my belief in me and kept the courage to follow my intuition
@@VengefulPolititron we never loose our intuitions you need to set an intention you want to heal everything will start happening for you good or bad will all guide you towards your healing
Kati the timing of this video couldn't be more good towards what i am currently going through in regards to the relationship with my mother. It's like there is no boundaries with her! Thank you for spreding awareness on this issues and being able to pass on your knowledge so nicely to people like myself so we can manage to look out for help. I love your videos 😊🙌
I wish I had learnt this a long time ago. I knew something was wrong and feel it but couldn't understand or reach out for the right kind of help to understand that what I was feeling about boundaries and enmeshment was not normal
I like the idea of switching the narrative in your head. I’ve been feeling really powerless at work because I have a new boss who yells a lot and it throws me back to being a helpless kid instead of a powerful working woman, and I end up responding the way I would have when I was in high school being yelled at by my track coach (scared, anxious, emotional, overly accommodating, taking things personally). I think I need to work to change my mindset that I AM an adult with agency now and nothing someone at work says can put me back into my “old story” of being a powerless little girl
You said, even though they are our parents,, when were adults it is an adult relationship .. words of wisdom.. I think goes the other way also. When our kids and are adults that is an adult relationship and the same boundaries have to be there.....
This vid was extremely helpful - I had no understanding of the concept of enmeshment, which had been driving me insane for a long time, and had thought that my intuitive rejection to poor boundaries in my family was somehow bad, or crazy because the enmeshment was so covert. I am now reassured, finally.
I think this would be a great video and topic to revisit around the holidays. I didn't think about this, but I definitely have a feeling of not being important compared to the rest of the family, and feeling like a burden. And my family just expects me to go visit for the holidays each year, and I absolutely dread it. I usually comply, but just sort of dissociate, but I'm working on standing up for what I want to do and not go this year!
You shared the solution to dealing with some heavy traumatic experiences and situations. And you delivered so easily to me what i'd wondered over for long. Thank you so much Kati. Thank you so much
Thank you Kati for everything, it’s a really precious community you’re building here in a time where we need it the most. The enmeshment I’m dealing with is so toxic to my daughters’ recovery, she’s been dealing with severely crippling mental illnesses. The most straightforward way of explaining it would be her growing up with the fear of something happening to me because Im her only safe person that now 10 years later into her suffering from mental illness I’m her worst trigger because of the enmeshment. It’s almost impossible to see a way out and heal from this, I’m suggesting and researching ways for her to build safety that’s independent from an outside factor (person or pet or other) instead to build safety from within that way it is always there for her to rely on and can’t be taken away. Help😭😭 we’re basically prisoners of this enmeshment it’s so intense....single parent dynamics are tricky enough for both child and parent but this underlying fear while you’re growing up created a very unhealthy type of attachment... so emotionally draining... thanx again Kati💗
Holy Moly i watched this a year ago and after all this time now i completely understand this video. Making great changes now thAt i could not a year ago. Healing is truly a process everyone learns at their own pace. No matter how long it takes to grow and learn, it's still am accomplishment to be proud of.
My mom said some shit that drove me back into my past where we would just fight and shed scream at me. I just silently walked away into the backyard. She mumbled shitty things about me when i did but i needed to get away! And i felt so rude! Thanks for helping me realize it was okay for me to put space between us because I knew i would prevent conflict
As somebody in my early 60s, it has been my realisation that although I later on developed an adult to adult relationship with my parents and family, I know that I was not ‘brought’ up by them, I had to learn that on my own. Binds, negative ones, are not always self authored. Whenever crisis prompts regressions, no matter how old I am, I have to work on binding these wounds. Several years of psychodynamic counselling have assisted me with this process.
wow i love this. can you do more videos on splitting and bpd? how do i figure out when I'm splitting and then the person in question is actually toxic?
@@Katimorton Hello! I have questions about splitting. I had to look it up and I don't quite understand it. Is splitting only a part of Borderline Personality Disorder? If so, what other types of personalities tend to do this, and is it the same treatment and methodology to help prevent or abstain from this mindset or defense mechanism? Thank you for your help. Please consider explaining for the video. A lot of us aren't familiar with BPD. Thanks again.
Thank you kati, my friend and I were both really struggling with life and family problems last night so this really helps thsnk you I’m going to be sure to share it
I recently started to learn that my father might have BPD. He was always so controlling, abusive, chose to victim role, never wanted to be abandoned and sometimes behaved like a child. What's worse is that for most of my life I've felt responsible for his emotions and making him feel good. Any time he got angry I felt like I was responsible for it and didn't feel comfortable. Any time he was happy I was feeling okay. That's probably why I became a people pleaser and it's been difficult to explore my identity as a gay man and have more relationships with other gay men; they don't really see who I really am and with straight people I put up a fake straight macho persona that doesn't represent my true self. I'm glad to start seeing a therapist again and learn Kati's advice. I am starting to get control of my life and show my true self to the world.
this was immensely helpful and I'm ACTUALLY looking forward to seeing my family in a few days so I can challenge myself to trying these out. thank you!
Kati, can you give examples of people realizing when they had finally successfully separated psychologically from someone toxic in their life? I knew I had separated when I received a hateful e-mail from my mother, but her words no longer had any weight on me anymore. It was as if I was reading an e-mail from a complete stranger who I'd never met. I just deleted it and then went about my day as normal.
Thank you so much Kati, this video is exactly what I needed. I have so many things from my past where my boundaries were crossed & I ended up enmeshed in a bad family dynamic. You have helped me realise a few things so thank you so much! ☺
What should one do when a parent doesn’t realize they’re hurting you, even after telling them to stop doing something? I don’t feel like I should have to explain to a parent in detail how and why something they say or do hurts me. At the same time I’m in no position to ask them to change, but if this certain parent doesn’t change, I don’t want them in my life. I’m 20 years old, and I live on my own, but go home to my parents on weekends. To be honest I mainly go home to see our pets, but it puts me in a very bad mental state because I feel disrespected, discarded and that my loyalty is taken for granted. How can I do something about this? Should I even try or give up on the relationship with that parent?
Great video, I am going to try and apply healthier boundaries to my life. I know that I am far to nice and lax on my boundaries with my family on certain things, even though I share a lot with them. Needing to utilize the word "No" more often as well would be beneficial for myself. Thanks always for your amazing videos.
I went into my preteen years thinking I was a bitchy, sassy, “don’t mess with me” young girl only for my peers to tell me how nice and sweet and kind I am. My perception of myself changed as I socialized outside my family. It still surprises me sometimes when people tell me I’m nice at the age of 26. My mom’s narrative of me is so different from the people I actually spend time with. When I was 22 living at home she had no boundaries, would barge into the bathroom to pee while I was taking a relaxing bath, even though there were 2 other toilets in the house. I was ambitious to move out at 23 and she got so angry that I wanted to leave. I didn’t understand because I was surely old enough to live on my own and wanted to be independent. She eventually let it go. In ways I’m thankful that I’m her least favorite child because she doesn’t latch onto me as much as my other siblings. She’s newly divorced and has never been alone in her entire adult life, she’s 53, the adjustment is hard for her. My brother is the oldest and she acts like he’s supposed to step in and be her “replacement spouse”. Blows up at him all the time if he doesn’t cater to her. Wants to lean on him for everything. Now that most of her kids are older and financially stable she wants to flip the roles of parent and child. Will ask us for specific, even sometimes expensive mothers days gifts, and that just feels forced. Mother’s Day is not about the gifts and social media posts 🫠 My sister and I are her therapists, my sister is also her emotional support blanket, I’m not as useful because sometimes I don’t want to go along with her narrative and trauma bond with her over the trauma she gave me. It will take her 20 minutes into a conversation to even ask me a single question about myself. Her pov is the only thing she sees sometimes. Everytime she bitches to me about my brother not bending over backwards I want to say something but I don’t want to hurt her feelings and end up in an argument with her. She has cancer and it’s been soooo tough dealing with all of the mixed emotions while making sure she’s okay and healthy. Everyone cares and wants to help but being around her sometimes is hard. Sometimes she bites the hand that feeds her. I don’t think she sees the pressure she puts on us and the guilt trips she puts us through. Has cancer and can’t quit cigarettes, found out she was spending $700 a month on red bulls while she was crying about medical expenses (she’s cut back tremendously but not completely), kinda brags about her ex husband giving her more in alimony every month. Thankfully the cancer isn’t severe and she’s almost beat it, I’m proud of her, and I hope it makes her realize she needs to take better care of herself, but her emotional immaturity and codependency have been a big eye opener for me. I wish I could say my mother is someone I adore and look up to, but she inspires me in a way that when I look at her and her life and decisions she’s made, I see it as an example of what not to do.
I am an adult in a masters program and I have blocked my mom on all forms of media. She does not know where I live now. She is telling relatives that I need someone to think for me and she wants them to help her get back in touch with me. That's my boundary setting and how my emotionally abusive parent is taking it.
I grew up thinking that far studies were the ways to life, and my dad especially flexed that he got far in that and stuff.... And yah as an adult I met people in college who had breaks or were still confused... So recently I chose to take a break from college to take care more about myself further
Hey kati can you make a video about disorganized attachment please, because I suffer from it and it's really annoying and really hard as an adult, also love your videos, have a great day!
I highly recommend the book happy by derren brown to you, and everybody else, he talks a lot about different philosophies and their take on happiness, including the stories we tell ourselves and letting go of control on others, honestly such an amazing read, absolutely brilliant ♥
The part about rewriting our story related to trauma is really interesting. I’m not sure how I can do it though. My trauma is not related to abuse or an unhealthy relationship, it’s related to death, something natural. When I was 6 years old, my grandfather, great-grandmother, teacher, and best friend all died. This led to some pretty severe separation anxiety (my parents have told me I used to cry when they put me to bed because I was scared I would wake up and they’d be dead too). I’m finding this still manifesting itself in my life today, 18 years later. Any suggestions on how to rewrite my story? Obviously I can’t pretend it didn’t happen (I’m not Norman Bates, lol).
I'm so mad at my Mom and she just disregards my complaints. She'll fight for a while, use guilt/fear, then flip and play the victim, then ask me to put the whole thing behind us and carry on as we were, disregarding everything I worked so hard to say! Boundary Buster! How can I ever learn to assert boundaries with a mother like that! I don't WANT to talk to her! She acts as if it's her right! Whimpers she doesn't know what she did wrong... I TOLD her!
My parents and an older brother are dependent of me, financially and emotionally. I take care of my dad because he has dementia. My mom had a stroke and is unable to take care of my dad. My older brother never ‘grew’ up and was always financially dependent on my parents when they were working age. They never forced my brother to work and move out. They allowed him to stay home while I and a younger brother began working. Now that my parents are too sick to work, the responsibility of looking out for that brother has fallen on ME. This has led to arguments with my mom, who right away becomes irate and depressed, yelling that she wishes she could die so she wouldn’t be a burden to me anymore. She succeeds in guilt-tripping me. Her wish is for me to look out for this brother who is already 45 years old and make sure he has food and a roof over his head. I can’t afford to move out either. It saddens me. I’m already 34 and the idea of ever getting married and having kids is out the window. I don’t want to have my own family while having to look out for this lazy brother at all times. 😢
Thank you so much for making this video! I'd love see a follow up video to this and hear more recommendations you have on how to navigate establishing that adult child/parent relationships. My mom and I went through a lot of growing pains with this when I was in college, and now my younger brother is going through that same transition, but I feel like our mom is giving him a much harder time than she did me, and I don't know how to help him navigate it. I know I made MUCH worse decisions during that time in my life than he is now (he's just completed his first year of med school and is working over the summer vs I had fallen into very toxic/abusive relationship my junior year and almost dropped out of school, before pulling myself out if it with my family and friends' help)
Hi Kati! I've watched quite a few of your videos and found them helpful. I have difficulties with social anxiety and depression. As a kid and teenager I rarely left home and lived in the country. I'm in undergrad now, and trying to live outside of the home, but I'm finding it borderline impossible to branch out and meet people outside my "family island". It's like there's a wall between me and others I can't break! I hate myself, but I don't know who I am, even. I'm so alone, and I don't know what to do! Can someone please help me? Thanks again for these videos you put up. They touch on a lot of issues relevant in my life, and you provide an empathetic voice when I (and I imagine many others) just need one sometimes.
I stopped communicating with my biological dad because he used to put me down and say sexists and misogynistic words to me. He also physically abused my mother when they were together and he said that she deserved it. That makes him dangerous. And I don’t want to associate with dangerous people. My brother, who lives with him, says I should talk to him and forgive him because no one is perfect. That made me angry because he doesn’t know anything and obviously doesn’t understand the situation since he has always been adored by him because he is a male, and my dad always wanted a son who would be his friend. I am tired of that family, I really hope I never get to see my dad again, even when he dies.
Hi Katie, can you discuss a little about being a scapegoat child. Thank you for all your informative videos. They all help in understanding life a lot more better.
Hey guys. Just a reminder if you like a RUclipsr and continually like and watch their vids make sure you hit that like. It really helps them and it a simple way to show support 😊 I'm still trying to remember that.
On my wedding day I had family that kept on gaslighting me and telling me not to eat even though I was very hungry & stressed. I really dislike having to put on a mask for everyone to who I am/should be I start to forget my real self. Yeah, boundaries...Not good with them.
Wow. You just put a very complex struggle I am having into perspective and helped me set productive goals to focus on. You did more in 15 minutes than 8 months of struggle in therapy. I had never even heard the term "enmeshment" before now. Can you recommend anyone in SoCal that can expand on this with me while recovering from severe burnout and long-lasting repetitive trauma? Or would that be in your scope of service? This was super helpful thank you so much for doing this you amazing woman!
Kati Morton parental alienation is a subject of interest to many, especially alienated parents, in particular, re connecting with your alienated child.....svp
So.....I should not feel guilty when it's been 1 or 2 weeks, mom calls, asks me to do something, I'm avoidant and say no. On top of that is " everyone is dying and you will regret lost time with people". Like I really try to communicate, be interactive, but most days I feel my parents are not mine anymore. I struggle to look my dad in the eyes, because I see fear for just not being them. I wanted and voiced out for resolution because my main abuser lives with my parents ( they were abusive but it's easier forgiving), I said because it shows change. If they want me around my abuser, he needs to own up to it, to me, he doesnt even have to say I am sorry because maybe that's hard enough. Now I wonder if that's too much of an expectation. And I feel if I confronted the elephant sitting on me, I'd sound like an aggressor, which I dont want.
I married into emeshement and dependent personality disorder and am now the scapegoat from my husband's sister. Their family is perfect and I am responsible for his sexual addiction.
@eve&Artie I also think families are the way humans have managed to survive in complex societies. A way to support eachother and keep going. Unfortunately Survival doesn't mean being happy all the time or even comfortable. Also Societies has changed, we have evolve to a higher- bigger level of possibilities and expectations, however, the idea of family stays the same, at least when it comes to it's basics: Honor-respect-belonging-caring for eachother. That can be great, but this can also be experienced in a disestructured manner, making things more difficult than they should be. We are complex and highly intelligent creatures... The more intelligent a creature is, the more it suffers. Dogs have trauma, dolphins suffer from trauma and can commit suicide by stopping breathing. Octopus get very stressed in captivity and can end up eating their own tentacles. We also have created for ourselves a system that works, but perhaps we need to find ways to adapt and improve our emotional life. This hasn't really been looked after in the human history, just recently we are more aware of mental issues, trauma and it's consecuences.
I experienced enmeshment, to a degree, with my family (especially my mother); it was definitely a pattern on her side of the family, as she was enmeshed with my grandmother. She really resisted any attempt I made at individuating, both as a teen and as a young adult in college. After I graduated, college, under immense family pressure and a fear of living on my own, I got immediately married (thanks, enmeshment). After my divorce shortly after, I decided I’d rather be challenged by living alone than move back home and be under my mom’s thumb again. The freedom was scary and hard, but it was LIBERATING. I began to do what I wanted to, see whom I wanted to, and conduct my life exactly as I pleased… which infuriated my mom because she wanted to have her say (and so did my grandmother!). Unfortunately, my boundary-setting eventually resulted in my mom giving me the silent treatment. She hasn’t spoken to me since 2005 and honestly… I don’t miss the constant grip she had on me and my decision-making. I wish I had a mom, but not at the risk of having to compromise my individuality.
Im 23 and finishing my college degree and still live at home. My mom is co-dependent and doesn’t work much and spends a lot of time at home doing nothing and still asks me to go out and run her errands for her. My therapists said to practice the art of saying no without actually saying the word, making me less available for her basically. It’s still really hard because she thinks I’m being disrespectful because of it but I love how you said that setting boundaries is like a muscle. I’m hoping it will get easier with time because it is still very triggering feeling like I’m making my mom so upset.
At this point my parents dont have to even open their mouths. It triggers me just to be at home, and my therapist wants me to work on this exactly! (How did you know?!?!? ;))
Thanx kati!
Unknown Name I felt that... Unfortunately I’m still stuck at home and I’m 20... My home life is very toxic and I feel I’ll be stuck here forever... I’m slowly breaking free.
One thing my therapist told me is that I always have a choice. So I chose to estrange myself from my parents and feel fantastic about it with zero regrets. Sometimes boundaries are great and very effective but other times it is pointless if they are narcissistic or heavily enmeshed.
Oceanmama I’m going through this right now ! I’m loosing my mind
Same for me! I can't stand being at home when I visit my mom. I feel so caged in whenever I come.
@@laimaiu totally relate. Well ... That shouldn't happen if people around you is emotionally mature. But that's not very common. For me the only way is finding myself things to do and taking short breaks from them when I'm at home. Like going to the cafe on my own with a book. Etc. It's still difficult.
I’ve had to really work on this for the last few years. My sister, who had a much closer relationship with my parents, moved overseas when we were in our early 20s and my parents shifted all their expectations from her to me. My dad in particular has told me for years that when they get old i will buy a house with a granny flat for them to live in, and i will look after them. My mum has told me I can’t move too far away because they won’t be able to visit. They have both strongly influenced who i should have relationships with (romantic and plutonic), career and financial choices, and as a result i grew a lot of resentment towards them. I moved to another town and started seeing a therapist and learning about boundaries. Lo and behold, when i started saying no, my relationship with them improved greatly. We can now disagree on topics without it becoming a screaming match. It’s still challenging at times, but it has gotten a lot easier.
How is this possible? My mother literally called me worthless last week because I spilled something(she said it in the way someone would say something they meant with their whole heart). I deeply internalized it. I even cried about it last night. Thank you for reminding me that I can reject her narrative. I'm a good person. I help others, I rescue animals, and most importantly: I love and take care of her. She's always been a very critical person and I think it's easy for me to fall back into my childlike interactions with her. I'm not worthless. Maybe she feels worthless? Regardless, I need to remain in control of my own feelings/reactions. Thank you, Kati. I wish I could repay you for all the help you give to others ❤
Ricci Raquel you can always support herby becoming a patron on her Patreon! www.patreon.com/katimorton
This is exactly what I needed right now! I feel I have no control over anything and my parents trigger me so much and say some really shitty things, so this is a massive help. Thanks Kati!
Rebecca G I’m here for you 🖤
I had a super cruel mother and only recently realized she was a narcissist. We were no contact most of my adulthood and I felt awful about that for ages. Then I had a thought, that she was sick. She had trauma of her own that she rarely shared, but enough to know that no one taught her how to be. That wasn't her fault and it absolutely wasn't mine. Going no contact was like putting her in quarantine. That's what you have to do to people who are sick or toxic. You protect others from spreading their sickness. It's an act of self love. Mom is gone now and I wished her peace. I'm still angry now and then from some left ofer stuff. I consider that okay. I work on it when it comes up.
Done Dennison I hear you ♥️ Is it okay if I ask what made her so cruel? I’m currently struggling with guilt over my recent estrangement, wondering if she was ‘bad enough’ to estrange or whether it’s better to communicate again and accept the good and not so good side of her personality.
Instead of being the victim in our' story, we can transform the narrative into a tale of a hero's journey!!
I experienced this years ago when after 4 years of university I , because of money, needed to return to live at home, and stayed there from age 22 to 25 until I could fund my own place
that sounds difficult. hope you are managing better. :)
YES you can't change anyone. All you can do is protect yourself.
I have awesome parents but there’s definitely enmeshment. They took care of everything for me up until college when I met my ex & they took over. When we split I found at age 31yrs I had no idea how to “adult”. I’m great w/ making & NOT spending $ but I’d never handled paying a bill or even made my own Dr appts. I had to learn how to be OK spending $ on myself to cover my basic needs. I had to learn how to feed myself (other then cereal 😹) & make sure my car gets oil changes. I’m finally starting to trust that I can take care of myself & I no longer feel helpless! 👍
I can relate to it!
Aaron Miller it’s so fucked up. I have a high stress job mixing IV drugs in a cleanroom. A mistake could cost between $50-$50,000 or could literally KILL a patient, but I LOVE my job!! At the same time I would have a panic attack if I left my packed lunch at home. I make decent money but I’d usually just not eat rather then buy something way overpriced at the cafeteria. I felt so guilty spending money on myself even for things I NEEDED like new work shoes. I’m doing much better though and just bought a new phone completely on my own to replace my iPhone 5 when it finally gave up and I don’t feel guilty!
@@_just_TK stress can suck but sounds like you are handling it!
I feel you. I just got my own place at 30 and for the longest, I struggled to believe I could do it for one reason or another. My dad dedintely wasn't very encouraging about getting his children bgg out of his nest. I think it was for selfish reasons b/c he would always mention him wanting me to take care of him. Anyway, it was scary but I made the move in July. I not only got my own place, but moved to a new city AWAY from the toxicity. Paying rent, electric bills, car insurance, etc is a new challenge but it is possible and I'm making it b/c of God and you can too.
I'm a 21 year old girl who deals with high functioning autism. So I can relate to this. In elementary school and middle school I used to get ignored, teased and treated like I was a pest. I used to get told by other kids that I was weird, annoying, a baby and immature by kids my age and I started to believe it as I got older, and still to this day. I used to be in special Ed classes in public school and had my friends in that class who I can relate to due to similar problems. But kids out of my class used to treat me like crap. I gained a best friend I met when when I was ten in class that I'm still friends with today. In middle school I used to have a crush on a boy in my grade, but he didn't feel the same way and his friends used to tease me, which led me to loose trust in my peers and give up on trying to socialize in 7th grade. I've been in therapy since I was 12 because of my anti social tendencies. When I got to high school things changed when I was seeing my best friend in camp and saw her everyday in class, which made my life very happy. Now that I'm out of high school and don't see her on a daily basis, it's been hard for me to find friends in college that I can have the same connection with. While I do have a good boyfriend and I get out and socialize hear and their with my friends in public school, I still feel like I'm in that 12 year old me's mindset. This video was really good for me to hear, although I have a steady family life, unfortunately I have been letting the negative things I was told by kids in elementary school and middle school define me.
Lia Crenshaw ck our Kati’s video on Autism in Females. Literally changed my life!!!!! ruclips.net/video/gpJ6bJHEc-k/видео.html
I have seen that before. One of the symptoms she mentioned I definitely related to was that a lot of girls with asd tend to imitate behavior from others specifically other girls to fit in. I noticed I been doing that a lot throughout my life. I was lucky enough to get diagnosed early when I was 3, since I was lower functioning at that time but started making progress when I was 8.
Idk how... But you always post videos that I exactly need Thanks a lot, Kati!
Awe I am so glad the timing had been right for you!! I hope they help :) xoxo
Ikram Khan sameeeee!
"getting stuck in old narratives" this really resonated with me, thanks for posting this Kati, struggling today and i really appreciate you sharing this 💛
What do you do about family members that treat you like a child (especially in front of other people)? I avoid those people like the plague, but they still act and talk to me as if a was an incompetent child. I believe they are toxic, but I can't cut them out of my life, and being assertive with them just encourages them to fight and be snarky. WHAT DO YOU DO?!?
"I believe they are toxic, but I can't cut them out of my life, and being assertive with them just encourages them to fight and be snarky." If they are toxic, then set some boundaries, and hold yourself to those boundaries. You have to be accountable to yourself - that goes for most things in life. If that means you see them less or even cut them out of your life because they continue to disregard your boundaries, then that's what is necessary. You cannot control other people's behavior. You have to do the work to change yourself.
Needed this video so badly. I live with my mother and we have had a very tense relationship with her all my life, I’m now 42. She has no sense of boundaries and knows how to push my buttons. I always fall right back to old ways of dealing with it. With my therapist, I’m trying to work on learning better ways of responding to it. It’s super hard not to go back into old patterns/stories, especially because I can’t change her and she’s unwilling to seek help on her end. I can’t move out anytime soon, so I have no choice in dealing with this. Ugh, it’s so hard!
I’m dealing with the same kind of mom. It’s so annoying. And I’m only this horrible person that I’m ashamed of when I interact with her.
The biggest issue I have is how do respond to others who are boundary violators. Certain people can trigger angry violent thoughts in my head as a reaction to the boundary being breached. I feel guilty about it but I really can’t help it bc it’s a fight or flight response. I am a covert incest survivor and my own mom gave me no privacy whatsoever. I know that I definitely have some anger from the boundary violation I went through as a boy and what others are doing in my life currently could be triggering a familiar response. Back then I was helpless against what was happening. At least now I have the power and ability to speak up for myself and be assertive. I just want to ensure that I’m not offending anyone or being hateful by asserting myself. Thanks for the video Katie! It was very helpful.
I had to create boundaries at work when my coworkers were harassing me. I had to talk to my therapist and learn what to be affected by when it came down to what they were saying and doing and how to handle it professionally. Now I know that what was really best was walking away from the job and finding a new one.
AttackRunRepeat Congrats on the new job! 🎉
My unhealthy relationship is with myself and after moving halfway around the world to try and escape me and reinvent myself I'm still stuck in the same headspace I was in at 11 and my coping mechanisms are slowly killing me.
Hi. Feel you. I'm there. Just started writing a new story. 🤗
Hope you are doing much better now and not dealing with that anymore. 💝
What a great topic. I'm almost 60 and still feel like I can't defend myself with my dad.
I'm 68 now and I could never defend myself against my dad either. When he died in 2005, I was so RELIEVED and glad he was gone. Sad but it is what it is and was what it was.
I'm 30, and reading your comments made me seriously more afraid for the future. My dad is 60 and is healthier than average people his age.
Am I unconsciously hopeful that his death should be near? Should I not be a coward and resolutely cut our tie if that is the only thing that I think could heal my self and our relationship?
I'm way better now. Never been better all my life. Trust the process!
Écoute-moi, mon ami.
Aimes-tu la liberté ?
Voudrais-tu t'enfuir d'ici ?
Aimerais-tu t'évader ?
Veux-tu revivre à la vie,
Marcher sans chaînes à tes pieds ?
Oh, réponds-moi, mon ami,
Aimerais-tu t'évader ?
I learned to step away from toxic people after a video you did on it, Kati. I think it might have been about toxic relationships. It made me realise that I'd a lot of very negative people in my life that were very toxic, the majority of them being on the maternal side of my family. I distanced myself from the majority of them and it's like a weigh has been lifted. It was really hard and I was sad because family is family, but it was the only way I could move forward. Thank you for doing these videos, you've changed so many people's lives for the better xx
Well done! I've had tp do the same in the past. It's very difficult at first but over time you will be amazed at how different life can be without them.. well done on taking control of your well being 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
@@EveArtie Thank you! It honestly feels like a weight has been lifted, now. At the time, though, I thought my world was ending when in reality it was nowhere near that dramatic lol.
*I love from a far! I don’t need toxic folks putting me down. I don’t care who you are. I will stay away.*
Can you do a video on intimate relationship advice for those who have experienced trauma and their partner?? Like what to do when triggered and how to soothe and be there for the person whose experienced great trauma. Lovely video as always thank you so much! 🤗
Carley Mills Kati already has a great video on this topic!
ruclips.net/video/DJdrYzOuxfU/видео.html
I needed this. Thank you Kati. My dad told me that I should talk to my adopted mom. I told him that I am an adult and I can make a choice of who I can talk to and who I want in my life.
Why do so many of us have trauma in our lives? Is it inevitable as part of the human condition?
Thanks and respect from Australia
I am not sure.. but the more I am online and the more patients I see the more I do think it's almost inevitable.. ugh. Working on putting together a series on it. xoxo
Great question! I’ve pondered over this so much. And, thank you Kati for answering, and working on a series to better explain it. You are doing such great work on this platform, and have helped me tremendously! ♥️
@@Katimorton thank you so much for everything you give to your channel. I do hope you realise how appreciated you are by us viewers across the world 🙏🏽🙏🏽
@@thejaimebush couldn't agree more 💜
We all go through the process of socialization as children which is inherently traumatic because we learn that love is conditional.
I'm a workaholic because I don't want to go home. Its a place where I don't have boundaries.
That’s what I started doing once I had realization that I need to change and now that I heard it over here am thankful I that I kept my belief in me and kept the courage to follow my intuition
keep your Intuition.
I didn't listen to mine.
I lost myself and my humanity. my intuition too.
@@VengefulPolititron we never loose our intuitions you need to set an intention you want to heal everything will start happening for you good or bad will all guide you towards your healing
Kati the timing of this video couldn't be more good towards what i am currently going through in regards to the relationship with my mother. It's like there is no boundaries with her! Thank you for spreding awareness on this issues and being able to pass on your knowledge so nicely to people like myself so we can manage to look out for help. I love your videos 😊🙌
My sister triggers me so I live my past abuse almost every night and can’t sleep..... this was very helpful thank you 🙏
Kati Can you please talk about “Adult Seperation Anxiety”?
Yes. I am a twin and I need Help!!
Oh my, I’ve been working on this one.
She has one! Just type in separation anxiety and it’s there (she talks about adults)
I wish I had learnt this a long time ago. I knew something was wrong and feel it but couldn't understand or reach out for the right kind of help to understand that what I was feeling about boundaries and enmeshment was not normal
I like the idea of switching the narrative in your head. I’ve been feeling really powerless at work because I have a new boss who yells a lot and it throws me back to being a helpless kid instead of a powerful working woman, and I end up responding the way I would have when I was in high school being yelled at by my track coach (scared, anxious, emotional, overly accommodating, taking things personally). I think I need to work to change my mindset that I AM an adult with agency now and nothing someone at work says can put me back into my “old story” of being a powerless little girl
You said, even though they are our parents,, when were adults it is an adult relationship .. words of wisdom.. I think goes the other way also. When our kids and are adults that is an adult relationship and the same boundaries have to be there.....
Kati has Magic she knows what we struggle 😩 I learned a lot.
This video was so helpful. Thank you.
I think I was enmeshed with a family member but we've worked out healthier boundaries since then. ❤️
Your videos are always the right topic at the right time. Thank you Kati x
This vid was extremely helpful - I had no understanding of the concept of enmeshment, which had been driving me insane for a long time, and had thought that my intuitive rejection to poor boundaries in my family was somehow bad, or crazy because the enmeshment was so covert. I am now reassured, finally.
I think this would be a great video and topic to revisit around the holidays. I didn't think about this, but I definitely have a feeling of not being important compared to the rest of the family, and feeling like a burden. And my family just expects me to go visit for the holidays each year, and I absolutely dread it. I usually comply, but just sort of dissociate, but I'm working on standing up for what I want to do and not go this year!
You shared the solution to dealing with some heavy traumatic experiences and situations. And you delivered so easily to me what i'd wondered over for long. Thank you so much Kati. Thank you so much
Thank you Kati for everything, it’s a really precious community you’re building here in a time where we need it the most. The enmeshment I’m dealing with is so toxic to my daughters’ recovery, she’s been dealing with severely crippling mental illnesses. The most straightforward way of explaining it would be her growing up with the fear of something happening to me because Im her only safe person that now 10 years later into her suffering from mental illness I’m her worst trigger because of the enmeshment. It’s almost impossible to see a way out and heal from this, I’m suggesting and researching ways for her to build safety that’s independent from an outside factor (person or pet or other) instead to build safety from within that way it is always there for her to rely on and can’t be taken away. Help😭😭 we’re basically prisoners of this enmeshment it’s so intense....single parent dynamics are tricky enough for both child and parent but this underlying fear while you’re growing up created a very unhealthy type of attachment... so emotionally draining... thanx again Kati💗
Holy Moly i watched this a year ago and after all this time now i completely understand this video. Making great changes now thAt i could not a year ago. Healing is truly a process everyone learns at their own pace. No matter how long it takes to grow and learn, it's still am accomplishment to be proud of.
My mom said some shit that drove me back into my past where we would just fight and shed scream at me. I just silently walked away into the backyard. She mumbled shitty things about me when i did but i needed to get away! And i felt so rude! Thanks for helping me realize it was okay for me to put space between us because I knew i would prevent conflict
Thanks for the perspectives. The words you spoke have been missing from my life and I am so grateful for you. Thank you.
I will be watching this a few times. Just what I needed.
As somebody in my early 60s, it has been my realisation that although I later on developed an adult to adult relationship with my parents and family, I know that I was not ‘brought’ up by them, I had to learn that on my own. Binds, negative ones, are not always self authored. Whenever crisis prompts regressions, no matter how old I am, I have to work on binding these wounds. Several years of psychodynamic counselling have assisted me with this process.
Great video, Kati. Thank you for all your hard work!
wow i love this. can you do more videos on splitting and bpd? how do i figure out when I'm splitting and then the person in question is actually toxic?
Yes, can we please have this! (And more videos on BPD e.g. the Favourite Person, fear of abandonment, etc.)
Of course!! I just added it to my list :) xoxo
@@Katimorton thank you so much!! i love you and you help me soooooo much!
@@Katimorton Hello! I have questions about splitting. I had to look it up and I don't quite understand it. Is splitting only a part of Borderline Personality Disorder? If so, what other types of personalities tend to do this, and is it the same treatment and methodology to help prevent or abstain from this mindset or defense mechanism? Thank you for your help. Please consider explaining for the video. A lot of us aren't familiar with BPD. Thanks again.
Thank you kati, my friend and I were both really struggling with life and family problems last night so this really helps thsnk you I’m going to be sure to share it
I recently started to learn that my father might have BPD. He was always so controlling, abusive, chose to victim role, never wanted to be abandoned and sometimes behaved like a child. What's worse is that for most of my life I've felt responsible for his emotions and making him feel good. Any time he got angry I felt like I was responsible for it and didn't feel comfortable. Any time he was happy I was feeling okay. That's probably why I became a people pleaser and it's been difficult to explore my identity as a gay man and have more relationships with other gay men; they don't really see who I really am and with straight people I put up a fake straight macho persona that doesn't represent my true self. I'm glad to start seeing a therapist again and learn Kati's advice. I am starting to get control of my life and show my true self to the world.
Thank you for sharing your story. It helps when someone tells me they went through it too.
please do more anxiety related videos!!! also, i love your channel and videos, so informative and helpful!
this was immensely helpful and I'm ACTUALLY looking forward to seeing my family in a few days so I can challenge myself to trying these out. thank you!
Kati, can you give examples of people realizing when they had finally successfully separated psychologically from someone toxic in their life? I knew I had separated when I received a hateful e-mail from my mother, but her words no longer had any weight on me anymore. It was as if I was reading an e-mail from a complete stranger who I'd never met. I just deleted it and then went about my day as normal.
Thank you so much Kati, this video is exactly what I needed. I have so many things from my past where my boundaries were crossed & I ended up enmeshed in a bad family dynamic. You have helped me realise a few things so thank you so much! ☺
What should one do when a parent doesn’t realize they’re hurting you, even after telling them to stop doing something?
I don’t feel like I should have to explain to a parent in detail how and why something they say or do hurts me. At the same time I’m in no position to ask them to change, but if this certain parent doesn’t change, I don’t want them in my life.
I’m 20 years old, and I live on my own, but go home to my parents on weekends. To be honest I mainly go home to see our pets, but it puts me in a very bad mental state because I feel disrespected, discarded and that my loyalty is taken for granted.
How can I do something about this? Should I even try or give up on the relationship with that parent?
I'm currently visiting my grandparents and extended family and it's as if Kati can read minds!
This came at the right time
Great video,
I am going to try and apply healthier boundaries to my life. I know that I am far to nice and lax on my boundaries with my family on certain things, even though I share a lot with them.
Needing to utilize the word "No" more often as well would be beneficial for myself.
Thanks always for your amazing videos.
I went into my preteen years thinking I was a bitchy, sassy, “don’t mess with me” young girl only for my peers to tell me how nice and sweet and kind I am. My perception of myself changed as I socialized outside my family. It still surprises me sometimes when people tell me I’m nice at the age of 26. My mom’s narrative of me is so different from the people I actually spend time with. When I was 22 living at home she had no boundaries, would barge into the bathroom to pee while I was taking a relaxing bath, even though there were 2 other toilets in the house. I was ambitious to move out at 23 and she got so angry that I wanted to leave. I didn’t understand because I was surely old enough to live on my own and wanted to be independent. She eventually let it go. In ways I’m thankful that I’m her least favorite child because she doesn’t latch onto me as much as my other siblings. She’s newly divorced and has never been alone in her entire adult life, she’s 53, the adjustment is hard for her. My brother is the oldest and she acts like he’s supposed to step in and be her “replacement spouse”. Blows up at him all the time if he doesn’t cater to her. Wants to lean on him for everything. Now that most of her kids are older and financially stable she wants to flip the roles of parent and child. Will ask us for specific, even sometimes expensive mothers days gifts, and that just feels forced. Mother’s Day is not about the gifts and social media posts 🫠 My sister and I are her therapists, my sister is also her emotional support blanket, I’m not as useful because sometimes I don’t want to go along with her narrative and trauma bond with her over the trauma she gave me. It will take her 20 minutes into a conversation to even ask me a single question about myself. Her pov is the only thing she sees sometimes. Everytime she bitches to me about my brother not bending over backwards I want to say something but I don’t want to hurt her feelings and end up in an argument with her. She has cancer and it’s been soooo tough dealing with all of the mixed emotions while making sure she’s okay and healthy. Everyone cares and wants to help but being around her sometimes is hard. Sometimes she bites the hand that feeds her. I don’t think she sees the pressure she puts on us and the guilt trips she puts us through. Has cancer and can’t quit cigarettes, found out she was spending $700 a month on red bulls while she was crying about medical expenses (she’s cut back tremendously but not completely), kinda brags about her ex husband giving her more in alimony every month. Thankfully the cancer isn’t severe and she’s almost beat it, I’m proud of her, and I hope it makes her realize she needs to take better care of herself, but her emotional immaturity and codependency have been a big eye opener for me. I wish I could say my mother is someone I adore and look up to, but she inspires me in a way that when I look at her and her life and decisions she’s made, I see it as an example of what not to do.
Exactly what I needed today
It’s hard living with your parents as a 30-year old, thank you for your videos…
I am an adult in a masters program and I have blocked my mom on all forms of media. She does not know where I live now. She is telling relatives that I need someone to think for me and she wants them to help her get back in touch with me. That's my boundary setting and how my emotionally abusive parent is taking it.
Well, this is remarkably well-timed for me
I grew up thinking that far studies were the ways to life, and my dad especially flexed that he got far in that and stuff.... And yah as an adult I met people in college who had breaks or were still confused... So recently I chose to take a break from college to take care more about myself further
Hey kati can you make a video about disorganized attachment please, because I suffer from it and it's really annoying and really hard as an adult, also love your videos, have a great day!
I highly recommend the book happy by derren brown to you, and everybody else, he talks a lot about different philosophies and their take on happiness, including the stories we tell ourselves and letting go of control on others, honestly such an amazing read, absolutely brilliant ♥
Why is it so hard to give up on trying to convince your parents that your worthy.
subconscious programming
God bless you post this topic, I've got problems with all the siblings horrible situation!
The part about rewriting our story related to trauma is really interesting. I’m not sure how I can do it though. My trauma is not related to abuse or an unhealthy relationship, it’s related to death, something natural. When I was 6 years old, my grandfather, great-grandmother, teacher, and best friend all died. This led to some pretty severe separation anxiety (my parents have told me I used to cry when they put me to bed because I was scared I would wake up and they’d be dead too). I’m finding this still manifesting itself in my life today, 18 years later.
Any suggestions on how to rewrite my story? Obviously I can’t pretend it didn’t happen (I’m not Norman Bates, lol).
I'm so mad at my Mom and she just disregards my complaints. She'll fight for a while, use guilt/fear, then flip and play the victim, then ask me to put the whole thing behind us and carry on as we were, disregarding everything I worked so hard to say! Boundary Buster! How can I ever learn to assert boundaries with a mother like that! I don't WANT to talk to her! She acts as if it's her right! Whimpers she doesn't know what she did wrong... I TOLD her!
Hi Kati, thank you for making such amazing content!
Great video. Honestly, I had to break with my parents internally to set any boundary.
This is one of the best videos thanks Katie
When i go home I feel leaned on to go to bed when my mother does. I feel like a child being told a bed time and I hate it. I'm over 40.
My parents and an older brother are dependent of me, financially and emotionally. I take care of my dad because he has dementia. My mom had a stroke and is unable to take care of my dad. My older brother never ‘grew’ up and was always financially dependent on my parents when they were working age. They never forced my brother to work and move out. They allowed him to stay home while I and a younger brother began working. Now that my parents are too sick to work, the responsibility of looking out for that brother has fallen on ME. This has led to arguments with my mom, who right away becomes irate and depressed, yelling that she wishes she could die so she wouldn’t be a burden to me anymore. She succeeds in guilt-tripping me. Her wish is for me to look out for this brother who is already 45 years old and make sure he has food and a roof over his head. I can’t afford to move out either. It saddens me. I’m already 34 and the idea of ever getting married and having kids is out the window. I don’t want to have my own family while having to look out for this lazy brother at all times. 😢
Thank you so much for making this video! I'd love see a follow up video to this and hear more recommendations you have on how to navigate establishing that adult child/parent relationships. My mom and I went through a lot of growing pains with this when I was in college, and now my younger brother is going through that same transition, but I feel like our mom is giving him a much harder time than she did me, and I don't know how to help him navigate it. I know I made MUCH worse decisions during that time in my life than he is now (he's just completed his first year of med school and is working over the summer vs I had fallen into very toxic/abusive relationship my junior year and almost dropped out of school, before pulling myself out if it with my family and friends' help)
Hi Kati! I've watched quite a few of your videos and found them helpful. I have difficulties with social anxiety and depression. As a kid and teenager I rarely left home and lived in the country. I'm in undergrad now, and trying to live outside of the home, but I'm finding it borderline impossible to branch out and meet people outside my "family island". It's like there's a wall between me and others I can't break! I hate myself, but I don't know who I am, even. I'm so alone, and I don't know what to do! Can someone please help me? Thanks again for these videos you put up. They touch on a lot of issues relevant in my life, and you provide an empathetic voice when I (and I imagine many others) just need one sometimes.
Your videos are amazing thank you Kati xxx
I needed this video today.
Wonderful & very helpful
I stopped communicating with my biological dad because he used to put me down and say sexists and misogynistic words to me. He also physically abused my mother when they were together and he said that she deserved it. That makes him dangerous. And I don’t want to associate with dangerous people.
My brother, who lives with him, says I should talk to him and forgive him because no one is perfect. That made me angry because he doesn’t know anything and obviously doesn’t understand the situation since he has always been adored by him because he is a male, and my dad always wanted a son who would be his friend.
I am tired of that family, I really hope I never get to see my dad again, even when he dies.
Thanks for this video kati, ive had trouble placing boundaries but im getting better at it!
'you don't have to deal with them being a total garbage person' kati went OFF in this video 😂😂😂
I needed this. Thank you
Kati having a cussing fit is awesome.
Anthony Micele oh man, u should she her loose it on the Patreon live-streams! 😹. If ur interested check it out at www.patreon.com/katimorton
I love the way you say welcome!!!
Sitting in the back of your panel at Vidcon :) Congrats!
NYE Vegas SO JELOUS!
“The story I tell myself” AHH what brene brown said at watermark!! I gotchu kati
Hi Katie, can you discuss a little about being a scapegoat child. Thank you for all your informative videos. They all help in understanding life a lot more better.
Hey guys. Just a reminder if you like a RUclipsr and continually like and watch their vids make sure you hit that like. It really helps them and it a simple way to show support 😊 I'm still trying to remember that.
On my wedding day I had family that kept on gaslighting me and telling me not to eat even though I was very hungry & stressed. I really dislike having to put on a mask for everyone to who I am/should be I start to forget my real self. Yeah, boundaries...Not good with them.
Realllllyy helpful Katie thank you❤🌺
Happy thursday,great upload
Wow. You just put a very complex struggle I am having into perspective and helped me set productive goals to focus on. You did more in 15 minutes than 8 months of struggle in therapy. I had never even heard the term "enmeshment" before now. Can you recommend anyone in SoCal that can expand on this with me while recovering from severe burnout and long-lasting repetitive trauma? Or would that be in your scope of service? This was super helpful thank you so much for doing this you amazing woman!
Kati Morton parental alienation is a subject of interest to many, especially alienated parents, in particular, re connecting with your alienated child.....svp
Aww why’d you post right now? I have to go to class 😭
So.....I should not feel guilty when it's been 1 or 2 weeks, mom calls, asks me to do something, I'm avoidant and say no. On top of that is " everyone is dying and you will regret lost time with people". Like I really try to communicate, be interactive, but most days I feel my parents are not mine anymore. I struggle to look my dad in the eyes, because I see fear for just not being them. I wanted and voiced out for resolution because my main abuser lives with my parents ( they were abusive but it's easier forgiving), I said because it shows change. If they want me around my abuser, he needs to own up to it, to me, he doesnt even have to say I am sorry because maybe that's hard enough. Now I wonder if that's too much of an expectation. And I feel if I confronted the elephant sitting on me, I'd sound like an aggressor, which I dont want.
I married into emeshement and dependent personality disorder and am now the scapegoat from my husband's sister. Their family is perfect and I am responsible for his sexual addiction.
@eve&Artie I also think families are the way humans have managed to survive in complex societies. A way to support eachother and keep going. Unfortunately Survival doesn't mean being happy all the time or even comfortable. Also Societies has changed, we have evolve to a higher- bigger level of possibilities and expectations, however, the idea of family stays the same, at least when it comes to it's basics: Honor-respect-belonging-caring for eachother. That can be great, but this can also be experienced in a disestructured manner, making things more difficult than they should be. We are complex and highly intelligent creatures... The more intelligent a creature is, the more it suffers. Dogs have trauma, dolphins suffer from trauma and can commit suicide by stopping breathing. Octopus get very stressed in captivity and can end up eating their own tentacles. We also have created for ourselves a system that works, but perhaps we need to find ways to adapt and improve our emotional life. This hasn't really been looked after in the human history, just recently we are more aware of mental issues, trauma and it's consecuences.
So on point.