I had two emotionally immature parents. My dad had narissitic traits. My mom couldn't handle my younger siblings in teenage years and relied on me to take care of their emotional needs. I was a teenager myself. As I got older I took on role of taking care of parents, I never felt like they were my parents guiding me, I felt the opposite. It took me to reach 60 before learning about enmeshment and boundaries. I made major changes in my life and now I"m the scapegoat in the family. I disrupted the family dynamic. I don't care, I'm much happier and living the most authentic me life.
I know a family that when they gather together, they first spend a lot of time "remembering" family events so everyone is in the proper roles and goes back into them. It is like Chris Farley on SNL "remember" with Paul McCartney. As an first time observer, I thought I was being given family stories to become part of the family. When I realized how enmeshed they were, the "remembering" is like being in the twilight zone & watching a spooky episode but it's real life. Very sad & creepy.
@@tati9867 My family tells stories, we all do. In this case, however, there is a tone that is different. The family shames each other (rather than laugh with each other) or brings up the shameful part of the memory. It's not heartwarming nor does it makes them grow closer; it has spite & competitiveness in there. They like bathroom humor sprinkled in, seeing if someone can feel bad about being a child. So, if #3 child was the middle child, at home he must behave that way even if he's well educated, has a leadership role & has accomplishments outside the family. Accomplishments are not only not celebrated, they have a "you are showing off" tone and the middle child needs to get back into the age 5-7 role he played as a child. No growing up allowed. I am left with the feeling of "so what was the point of the story?" feeling. I have no connectedness, I don't feel I've learned something, I don't respect them more. Once they have done they, they all play their childhood roles & Mommy can rule over them & be naughty too with them using profane language & adding her brand of bathroom humor. Clearer?
Julia, your comment really hit home. My family tends to do the very thing you mentioned.maybe that is why I don’t like getting together with them now. I do engage in this unhealthy behavior when I am with my siblings because I fear the my growth will come across as snobbery, etc. Rose
@@juliaagnes7 exactly! Relatable. No growth or achievements are allowed. Some families just tell jokes so that serious conversation does not creep in. No maturity allowed. No sharing what you've learned, experienced, etc. Even at 50 you are treated like 15 at best. Usually this is a sign of a mental disorder or two in the family. Very little emotional development. A person who dictates what is allowed. Often borderline or narcissism. Very sad for the flying monkeys who don't seem able to wake up or stand up for themselves.
I just realized why sometimes feel like I only exist when I'm around people, yet I isolate myself very actively and consciously. It's because I'm mirroring others entirely. I've reduced myself completely to make room for others. I'm embarrassed how little value and importance I accord myself, no wonder, no one else does.
Agreed... I've realized that I get more enjoyment out of things I love when others are enjoying them too... in effect, I get enjoyment out of them through other people, I've outsourced my own experience by experiencing it through them. This is great if they react as I want them too but if they don't, not only can it be painful, but then I have no enjoyment of my own. This often results in isolating, as you said, to try and maintain some semblance of a personal experience of things. But then I'm often pulled out of the moment by distracting thoughts about "so and so would LOVE this - they need to see it - what would THEY feel about it?" It's like I'm not there.
This really is a journey, I watched this video when it first came out and now I am watching it again 3 years into therapy. It's true that there's a difference between emotionally and cognitively understanding these things. It won't really stick until you've developed your sense of self a bit which takes time, patience and practice setting boundaries! Thank you Barbara, you are still the best!
They thrive on big news, a baby a wedding...or the worst, a death, sickness, and compete to who gets to share the news. But, they don't get to know me. I became the person who cared too much, empath, HSP, I am detaching. I work on letting go of guilt. I was a care taker, "the lil' mother, empath, golden child". My new thing is - Who am I ...?, bounderies with self-reparenting. I have used Visualisation of good past memories to remember Who I Can Be again. Great exercise to think of peoples space in a bubble- i grew up with too much caring for everyone from an early age.
I can relate to this on so many levels. My family was very immeshed with eachother my whole child hood. 3 gernerations, seeing each other sometimes daily. Dad wasnt in our lives at all and mom was always working. She suffered from depression and had lots of trauma in her past. Me being really empathetic i felt everything. Every struggle and hardship my family had i felt and didnt fully understand it wasnt my responsibility. None of them talked about feelings at all really. I couldnt make friends. I couldnt focus on school. All i could think about was my familys well being and how i could help and i was stuck in a very frustrating loop. I felt like a failure because i couldnt make them happy. Theres a lot of guilt there but im working through it because i understand that its not job to make other people happy. Im not sure what my role would be, but im guessing care taker.
Hi Omkar: What an interesting question!! I do think that when we are emotionally enmeshed, being with other people can be exhausting. And if there are too many expectations put on us by parental figures-authority figures, we can shut down. LMK if that makes sense.
I feel like it did for me. I was a parentified and spousified and skapegoated child in an enmeshed family with strong narcissistic traits present in some... This video was really helpful. Helps things make more sense.
@@BarbaraHeffernan I really appreciate this answer. It explains my extremely avoidant personality because I feel like people's needs, expectations and demand for my time are extremely exhausting so being a loner feels safe. Learning about self differentiation is helping me understand that I can engage with other people without worrying about getting sucked into their stuff
I swear I felt like you were talking directly to me! I have always felt so empathetic to where I feel others pain etc and the way you described my family is spot on. It’s eye opening. Wow.
I can deeply understand what you're presenting. My family of origin was exactly this way. It was stifling to say the least. I emotionally suffocated for the first 34 years of my life. I never learned strong boundaries, emotional regulation or a strong sense of myself. I'm an HSP. Growing up was deeply traumatic. I've experienced everything you've presented.
Thank u Barbara, for replying to my comment.(I am in uk). I have learned thru your videos that (thankfully) I am not enmeshed with my own family of adult children and grandchildren.....at least I have done something right! I have been amazed to discover that several of my peers (am aged 76) who are my friends, are constantly texting /needing regular phone calls from their families. Over the years, seeing this, I had begun to think that I was the one with the problem......that I was not giving my adult children enough support and had been causing me guilt and anxiety. However, after hearing about enmeshment, I now feel much better and a measure of relief !! Adult children of several of my friends who are alone (widowed or divorced), had almost seemed to me to have taken on a parental role to their elderly mothers.....my visits to these friends were often disturbed by a phone call from an adult daughter. This happened so often that I felt that my relationship with my adult daughters must be too distant and this has affected my own mental health ie (not a good enough mum). So learning about enmeshment on these videos is helping me a lot Thank you
Sounds like you're describing my mother in law. She had just turned 77, but very active/ sociable. She's a single mother and lives through her sons. She gets upset with us regularly, but often it's because she's lonely and want us to be there for her all the time (she 'jokes' that we don't love her, which is hurtful). We do what we can, but nothing is ever enough. Trying to be patient and have compassion for her loneliness, but to be honest, it's really quite draining and it's often at the detriment of my husband and I.
Thank you for sharing this valuable info. I'm 68 and starting to understand this topic. It's helping in trying to Control my anxiety when dealing with my narcissistic mother.
This video has been amazing, and resonated so much with me. I am pretty sure I have lived most of my life in enmeshed families, both as a child and an adult, and I have difficulty with boundaries. The visualisation was particularly helpful, Thank you so much.
I’ve been trying to understand my partner, since their life and family relationships are nearly the opposite of mine. This video really helps me understand that’s they’re dealing with enmeshment. I could never find anything that really explained it, but I always felt like they lacked boundaries. Thank-you for such a great video, it’s very helpful.
Great video, very helpful! I think you are a very warm, very sincere, very intelligent person, thank you for that. Please, keep placing content like this on youtube. I‘m watching this from Europe. In my country, mental healthcare consists of cbt (which is cheaper: Dutch!) which doesn‘t adress the complexity of my problems. It feels like: no whining, get yourself together and be gone! But I feel I have the right to be sad and to complain, the situation being what it is...
Barbara, I am a therapist and glad I found your Utube series. Your explanation of Emotional Enmeshment is excellent. Triangulation etc. Plan to apply your knowledge in session with clients. Rosemary Lcsw
Welcome Rosemary! I am so pleased these videos will be helpful to you and your clients! Be sure to let me know follow up topics you might like to see :)
Thank you for suggesting this video. I witness the enmeshed you describe with my husband and his mother. Reflecting on myself, I fall into the realm of unhealthy detachment with my own parent for various reasons which I'm trying to work through with the help of my therapist. Anyway, I'm going to go through your other videos to see what else I can learn! Meanwhile, thanks for these vids, they're so helpful!
Thank you for this! When picturing my boundary 'bubble' - I initially pictured it as a few inches away from my body - unable to see it surrounding 3ft around me. I need to work on that!
Hello Barbara how lovely to come across someone who covers spirituality alongside emotional difficulties......things I have been learning about over the past few years. Thank you so much
I grew up in an enmeshed family with a handicapped sister. I moved away as an adult, but never let go of the feelings, now I'm dat ing an only child who is spousified by his Mom. I'm feeling crazy again even tho my own parents are dead
My husband moved far away from his family when he was 17 years old and never returned except for brief visits but he held on to his feelings towards his family of origin and unfortunately his unresolved anger grew stronger and deeply affected him.
I can see this is true for my family. Once aware of it. How to we start to differentiate? What steps can we take as the parent who sees there is too much togetherness so adult child can thrive.
Why do we feel the same feelings? Is it because it is selfish to feel differently. My father was always sad, so I felt bad to feel differently. He never cared how I felt, I became a caretaker, and yes, I feel instantly how others feel... and of course I forget about my own feelings..I am ashamed about having needs..
Thanks Barbara, it felt great to do the exercise with you. I will do it as often as I will feel the need to calm down in a communication with others. Thank you for sharing you knowledge with us!
Before now, I thought of emotional enmeshment as being absorbed in one's own emotions. For example, anxiety. And doing something impulsive, or reckless. I've learned something.
Hi R: Interesting - I had not thought of the term being used that way. In my field, enmeshment is about relationships between people. But I see how it could be used the way you are describing - I would call that emotional overwhelm.
How do I survive being the loner as adult. No emotional connection to them. Haven't individuated nearly enough because I knew I was doomed as kid and gave up. Severe depression and anxiety
You need to find yourself, and let go off your past completely. You start loving yourself and enjoy living for you, not them. Before you have emotional relationship with anyone, you first need to reparent yourself. Your depression will go away after you strengthen your sense of self. It takes lots of work and patience, be kind and forgiving toward your child self. You will save time by just accepting and loving yourself, regardless of what fucked up shit happened to you.
hi . never heard anything about this topic... thank you so much! . such a dense speech! full of useful reflections, indeed... I have just learned where lot of my problems come from... I am so sorry for my son, as well . I think many Italian families follow this pattern.
You are welcome Stefania! Yes, emotional enmeshment does vary by culture as well as by the particular family. And as moms, I think whenever we find something out like this, we immediately worry about our kids. Important to remember they are on their own spiritual journey, and the best we can do is model recovery. All the best, Barbara
I grew up in a role play family, didn’t know it has term for that. My family definitely put my oldest sister into a funny role, I’m the gullible one, my mom is the brave one, my dad is the weak one. Oh well, I thought every family is just like my family.
I'm triangle, scape goat, parent to the parent, and maybe spousal. Just went no-contact I'm so messed up! I am an empath and HSP so this is extremely hard for me. I am in therapy working hard to get mentally healthy. I'm the youngest and have the task ok keeping the family together.
I'm pleased the video was helpful, though I'm sorry to hear that! I actually released a new one on enmeshment today, in case it is helpful!ruclips.net/video/ogTzk0kc49c/видео.html
Oh yah, I have been investigating this cut off for a year now. Yes, I notice others have different boundaries to me, I have clear and at times rigid boundaries. However that does not assure my safety in terms of the peoples meaning making and or interpretation. Things can get crazy. Its constant being in my felt body.
@@BarbaraHeffernan I knew my family was dysfunctional but I never related to being parentified. I now realize it was because I was "spousified".....this is going to be a great help in therapy.
@@suba_rally9936 yes, it is often good to specifically identify the problem. I haven't done a video specifically on "spousification" (will one day!) but there are a few good ones on RUclips that might help. Wishing you the best.
everything your saying makes sense i am married to a spouse who is so enmeshed with his brother in law & mother & he puts them first & has supported them all since he was young & its been traumatic for him & our marriage ? hes never let go they come first allways its sad thanks faith
Do you have more on that boundary bubble? My kids and I were all traumatized by abusive husband, walking on egg shells and I was enmeshed with mentally ill mom. I want my kids and I to learn how to be empathic without feeling responsible to fix eachothers anxiety sadness pain etc.
This pretty much describes my ex-husband’s family. Sadly it impacted my children, particularly post divorce, which in turn impacted my emotional health. I was constantly fighting something I didn’t fully understand. Now I see the connections and I can work with this. Thank you🤗
When I went 'no contact' at 23 years old, my mom wrote this weird-ass letter in scrawled handwriting, asking me if I was still part of the family because I moved out on my own. Why I went no contact? The topics in this video is the reason, I felt drained all the time. 'If mama ain't happy, nobody's happy?' not my effen problem anymore from that point. When I moved out to live with a female cousin, I intuited that my mom was 'keeping checks on me' through her, which was denied when I confronted the cousin. I moved out from the cousin's house subsequently , as she said to my face that , ' I wasn't ready to move out on my own', no basis or anything. Internally, I felt compelled to do just that despite the little money I had then. Years later, this same cousin confessed and validated my accusation. After all I shared with her about what happened to me in that messed up mother-daughter relationship, I felt betrayed and stopped talking to her over time.
Wow I needed to hear this right now, today and it's like you are 'heaven sent' My son just doesnt seem to get his life into gear and I worry about him every moment. He makes bad choices that cause him problems yet he doesnt seem to learn BUT ITS NOT UP TO ME TO FIX THANK YOU 🙏🌺🦋
Would you say that enmeshment can also lead you to become less empathetic to others? I'm in a very enmeshed family & moved out of my parents' four months ago for a multitude of reasons, enmeshment being one. I'm naturally very empathetic, but I've noticed that lately I'm starting to not care as much about what others think.
hmmmm... complex question! Maybe sometimes not caring what others think is helpful and not related to whether one has empathy or not.... others opinions are not our responsibility. But there is so much to this question!
When you mentioned the uncle I burst into laughing because my uncle have left his own country for about 40 years and doesn't interact with us very much
Hi. I was the mother Teresa of everyone or everything around me. Now, I am obviously studying all these... And... It was not fair from my parents not care enough, so that we have to do their job for them. I have my emotional diary, and it s the second time that I am with a person... And when I try to find the technique they are using, so that I feel soo enmeshed is... Proyection enmeshment... In other words, an abusor proyecting all that to me(consciously or unconsciously)... I think I invented this term... However jt does make me feel better to know that it is that... In other words, my rumination, and my mind going round in circles around my encounter with this person ger ts better. I would love if you would make a video about this. Honestly it takes me soo much effort to get rid of those proyections, so, yes... Thanks... Kind regards
I can’t stop feeling responsible for my adult children’s happiness ,I was brought up by having to parent my parent, then my now ex partner and now I don’t know who I am or how to parent myself now the children have left home to one join the army and the other is going through divorce
Dad left mom made big sister tge doer fixer and me her "soul mate" I was depressed just like her emotional just like her etc boundaries mean disloyalty unlovingness. Went from that to 20 years domestic abuse with narcissist husband. Kids and i left him last year. 50 yrs old now and just starting to feel I can grow up now have boundaries say no take responsibility for whats mine dump the scapegoat bags of their stuff and parent my kids freely to come and go and be their real selves.
I like the visualization exercise. It is a great challenge to disassociate from the suffering of a child. I have a tendency to try and fix it, but I can't. Looking forward to listening to the program on RUclips. Thank you.
I'm so glad the visualization exercise was helpful. I do think it is an effective way to begin to see things differently. I didn't bring spirituality into the discussion yesterday, but there is a sense of we are all on our own spiritual paths (whatever that means to each of us!), and our kids have their own path. I also relate to the pain of watching a child in pain, as I am also a mom :)
There is often a lot of enmeshment in marriages. It is a similar process of taking responsibility for someone else's emotions. Good topic for a future video!
this video was so thought-provoking and provided startling clarity. thank you! i was hoping to ask: could you elaborate what causes one to become enmeshed with their parent or how is this system created? do the experiences of enmeshment ever cause c-ptsd? is emdr a useful treatment method for enmeshment?
Hi Kira; What important questions! The answer could fill three videos however! I do believe very enmeshed family situations can be linked to c-ptsd, depending on circumstance. I think EMDR could be helpful in recovery from enmeshment, probably in combination with other therapy.
It's really a curse when you hate your partners siblings and they have no boundaries and your partner has no bloody boundary. It's horrible for a partner to be stuck in this nonsense
Emotional enmeshment can happen with any relationships. Some people use the term emotional incest when it is an enmeshed relationship between a parent and child, though it usually would apply if the enmeshment was regarding very intimate issues. Different people use these terms differently.
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I had two emotionally immature parents. My dad had narissitic traits. My mom couldn't handle my younger siblings in teenage years and relied on me to take care of their emotional needs. I was a teenager myself. As I got older I took on role of taking care of parents, I never felt like they were my parents guiding me, I felt the opposite. It took me to reach 60 before learning about enmeshment and boundaries. I made major changes in my life and now I"m the scapegoat in the family. I disrupted the family dynamic. I don't care, I'm much happier and living the most authentic me life.
❤
Healing negative core beliefs
Spot on! Became my moms therapist/husband at an early age and I am the quintessential empath. She took full advantage of my naïveté and kindness.
I can relate! and I find it awful to see the same pattern repeating in my 'adult' relationships. :/
My story too
I know a family that when they gather together, they first spend a lot of time "remembering" family events so everyone is in the proper roles and goes back into them. It is like Chris Farley on SNL "remember" with Paul McCartney. As an first time observer, I thought I was being given family stories to become part of the family. When I realized how enmeshed they were, the "remembering" is like being in the twilight zone & watching a spooky episode but it's real life. Very sad & creepy.
wow - sorry to hear this! so great that you could recognize what was happening, however.
@@tati9867 My family tells stories, we all do. In this case, however, there is a tone that is different. The family shames each other (rather than laugh with each other) or brings up the shameful part of the memory. It's not heartwarming nor does it makes them grow closer; it has spite & competitiveness in there. They like bathroom humor sprinkled in, seeing if someone can feel bad about being a child. So, if #3 child was the middle child, at home he must behave that way even if he's well educated, has a leadership role & has accomplishments outside the family. Accomplishments are not only not celebrated, they have a "you are showing off" tone and the middle child needs to get back into the age 5-7 role he played as a child. No growing up allowed. I am left with the feeling of "so what was the point of the story?" feeling. I have no connectedness, I don't feel I've learned something, I don't respect them more. Once they have done they, they all play their childhood roles & Mommy can rule over them & be naughty too with them using profane language & adding her brand of bathroom humor. Clearer?
Julia, your comment really hit home. My family tends to do the very thing you mentioned.maybe that is why I don’t like getting together with them now. I do engage in this unhealthy behavior when I am with my siblings because I fear the my growth will come across as snobbery, etc. Rose
@@juliaagnes7 exactly! Relatable. No growth or achievements are allowed. Some families just tell jokes so that serious conversation does not creep in. No maturity allowed. No sharing what you've learned, experienced, etc. Even at 50 you are treated like 15 at best. Usually this is a sign of a mental disorder or two in the family. Very little emotional development. A person who dictates what is allowed. Often borderline or narcissism. Very sad for the flying monkeys who don't seem able to wake up or stand up for themselves.
I just realized why sometimes feel like I only exist when I'm around people, yet I isolate myself very actively and consciously. It's because I'm mirroring others entirely. I've reduced myself completely to make room for others. I'm embarrassed how little value and importance I accord myself, no wonder, no one else does.
Love to you, Sophie. You are bigger than you think. Here’s to you shining. 🌻
This really resonated with me
Perfect description of me, too. Thanks for posting. 🙏
Agreed... I've realized that I get more enjoyment out of things I love when others are enjoying them too... in effect, I get enjoyment out of them through other people, I've outsourced my own experience by experiencing it through them. This is great if they react as I want them too but if they don't, not only can it be painful, but then I have no enjoyment of my own. This often results in isolating, as you said, to try and maintain some semblance of a personal experience of things. But then I'm often pulled out of the moment by distracting thoughts about "so and so would LOVE this - they need to see it - what would THEY feel about it?" It's like I'm not there.
no, your not alone, many people raised in Narcissistic family suffer this.....
This really is a journey, I watched this video when it first came out and now I am watching it again 3 years into therapy. It's true that there's a difference between emotionally and cognitively understanding these things. It won't really stick until you've developed your sense of self a bit which takes time, patience and practice setting boundaries! Thank you Barbara, you are still the best!
They thrive on big news, a baby a wedding...or the worst, a death, sickness, and compete to who gets to share the news. But, they don't get to know me. I became the person who cared too much, empath, HSP, I am detaching. I work on letting go of guilt. I was a care taker, "the lil' mother, empath, golden child". My new thing is - Who am I ...?, bounderies with self-reparenting. I have used Visualisation of good past memories to remember Who I Can Be again. Great exercise to think of peoples space in a bubble- i grew up with too much caring for everyone from an early age.
This is a huge topic!!! Not allowed to individiuate!!
Yes, I agree - a huge topic!
You are describing so well the latin american family. Extreme enmeshment and loyalties to the family. Very hard to separate.
Yes, some cultures really reinforce this...
When there are “sides” in a family, the family is very dysfunctional.
Really eye opening! At 52 I am incredibly grateful for your help. You’re excellent! Thank you so much!!!❤
I can relate to this on so many levels. My family was very immeshed with eachother my whole child hood. 3 gernerations, seeing each other sometimes daily. Dad wasnt in our lives at all and mom was always working. She suffered from depression and had lots of trauma in her past. Me being really empathetic i felt everything. Every struggle and hardship my family had i felt and didnt fully understand it wasnt my responsibility. None of them talked about feelings at all really. I couldnt make friends. I couldnt focus on school. All i could think about was my familys well being and how i could help and i was stuck in a very frustrating loop. I felt like a failure because i couldnt make them happy. Theres a lot of guilt there but im working through it because i understand that its not job to make other people happy. Im not sure what my role would be, but im guessing care taker.
Sounds like me
You’re not alone ❤ me too
This is interesting, can enmeshment also trigger avoidant behavior like procrastinating, staying alone etc
Hi Omkar: What an interesting question!! I do think that when we are emotionally enmeshed, being with other people can be exhausting. And if there are too many expectations put on us by parental figures-authority figures, we can shut down. LMK if that makes sense.
I feel like it did for me. I was a parentified and spousified and skapegoated child in an enmeshed family with strong narcissistic traits present in some...
This video was really helpful. Helps things make more sense.
@@kattitude121 same here + i am sexual fridget
@@BarbaraHeffernan I really appreciate this answer. It explains my extremely avoidant personality because I feel like people's needs, expectations and demand for my time are extremely exhausting so being a loner feels safe. Learning about self differentiation is helping me understand that I can engage with other people without worrying about getting sucked into their stuff
I swear I felt like you were talking directly to me! I have always felt so empathetic to where I feel others pain etc and the way you described my family is spot on. It’s eye opening. Wow.
I can deeply understand what you're presenting. My family of origin was exactly this way. It was stifling to say the least. I emotionally suffocated for the first 34 years of my life. I never learned strong boundaries, emotional regulation or a strong sense of myself. I'm an HSP. Growing up was deeply traumatic. I've experienced everything you've presented.
Thank u Barbara, for replying to my comment.(I am in uk).
I have learned thru your videos that (thankfully) I am not enmeshed with my own family of adult children and grandchildren.....at least I have done something right!
I have been amazed to discover that several of my peers (am aged 76) who are my friends, are constantly texting /needing regular phone calls from their families.
Over the years, seeing this, I had begun to think that I was the one with the problem......that I was not giving my adult children enough support and had been causing me guilt and anxiety.
However, after hearing about enmeshment, I now feel much better and a measure of relief !!
Adult children of several of my friends who are alone (widowed or divorced), had almost seemed to me to have taken on a parental role to their elderly mothers.....my visits to these friends were often disturbed by a phone call from an adult daughter. This happened so often that I felt that my relationship with my adult daughters must be too distant and this has affected my own mental health ie (not a good enough mum).
So learning about enmeshment on these videos is helping me a lot
Thank you
So glad the videos were helpful!! Wishing you the best, Barbara
Sounds like you're describing my mother in law. She had just turned 77, but very active/ sociable. She's a single mother and lives through her sons. She gets upset with us regularly, but often it's because she's lonely and want us to be there for her all the time (she 'jokes' that we don't love her, which is hurtful). We do what we can, but nothing is ever enough. Trying to be patient and have compassion for her loneliness, but to be honest, it's really quite draining and it's often at the detriment of my husband and I.
Thank you for sharing this valuable info. I'm 68 and starting to understand this topic. It's helping in trying to Control my anxiety when dealing with my narcissistic mother.
I’m Not even a third into this lecture, and I feel like so many lightbulbs are going off. Thank you for the work you do.
This video has been amazing, and resonated so much with me. I am pretty sure I have lived most of my life in enmeshed families, both as a child and an adult, and I have difficulty with boundaries. The visualisation was particularly helpful, Thank you so much.
I’ve been trying to understand my partner, since their life and family relationships are nearly the opposite of mine.
This video really helps me understand that’s they’re dealing with enmeshment. I could never find anything that really explained it, but I always felt like they lacked boundaries.
Thank-you for such a great video, it’s very helpful.
So glad it was helpful!
Very important. I need help with boundaries. My personal space is non existent.
Great video, very helpful! I think you are a very warm, very sincere, very intelligent person, thank you for that. Please, keep placing content like this on youtube. I‘m watching this from Europe. In my country, mental healthcare consists of cbt (which is cheaper: Dutch!) which doesn‘t adress the complexity of my problems. It feels like: no whining, get yourself together and be gone! But I feel I have the right to be sad and to complain, the situation being what it is...
Thank you so much! Learning with you is such a blessing!
The roles can change over a persons life.
Yeps I was spousified as a child
Wow, yes the invisible child in a narcissistic family. Lots of love and prayers from Egypt ❤️
Barbara, I am a therapist and glad I found your Utube series. Your explanation of Emotional Enmeshment is excellent. Triangulation etc. Plan to apply your knowledge in session with clients. Rosemary Lcsw
Welcome Rosemary! I am so pleased these videos will be helpful to you and your clients! Be sure to let me know follow up topics you might like to see :)
Thank you for suggesting this video. I witness the enmeshed you describe with my husband and his mother. Reflecting on myself, I fall into the realm of unhealthy detachment with my own parent for various reasons which I'm trying to work through with the help of my therapist. Anyway, I'm going to go through your other videos to see what else I can learn! Meanwhile, thanks for these vids, they're so helpful!
So glad that was helpful for you. Wishing you health and healing.
Thank you for this! When picturing my boundary 'bubble' - I initially pictured it as a few inches away from my body - unable to see it surrounding 3ft around me. I need to work on that!
Very interesting! Yes, many of us could benefit from expanding our sense of personal space. Glad this was helpful.
The visualization was eye-opening for me. It describes a lot of relationships in my family.
Thank you for a wonderful video 🙏🏻
Golden Child enmeshment, this visualizing is so helpful! Boundaries and awareness...thank you!!!
Wonderful! So pleased it resonated with you!
I liked your realisation meditation as I am working on my boundaries myse
Hello Barbara how lovely to come across someone who covers spirituality alongside emotional difficulties......things I have been learning about over the past few years.
Thank you so much
Hi Teresa: So glad you found the channel! Yes, spirituality is super important for recovery.
Excellent thanks very much 😅
I grew up in an enmeshed family with a handicapped sister. I moved away as an adult, but never let go of the feelings, now I'm dat
ing an only child who is spousified by his Mom. I'm feeling crazy again even tho my own parents are dead
My husband moved far away from his family when he was 17 years old and never returned except for brief visits but he held on to his feelings towards his family of origin and unfortunately his unresolved anger grew stronger and deeply affected him.
Totally agree
:)
I can see this is true for my family. Once aware of it. How to we start to differentiate? What steps can we take as the parent who sees there is too much togetherness so adult child can thrive.
Wow I just found my answer to many things I couldn’t understand happening around me.
I am pleased to hear that this video was helpful (though of course, sorry at the same time that you relate!): I wish you health and healing!
Thank you!
You are welcome!
Why do we feel the same feelings? Is it because it is selfish to feel differently. My father was always sad, so I felt bad to feel differently. He never cared how I felt, I became a caretaker, and yes, I feel instantly how others feel... and of course I forget about my own feelings..I am ashamed about having needs..
Wow....enmeshed families asign roles to each member and enforce loyalty to the family unit above all else? Thats heavy!
Thanks Barbara, it felt great to do the exercise with you. I will do it as often as I will feel the need to calm down in a communication with others. Thank you for sharing you knowledge with us!
Wonderful! You are very welcome.
Before now, I thought of emotional enmeshment as being absorbed in one's own emotions. For example, anxiety. And doing something impulsive, or reckless.
I've learned something.
Hi R: Interesting - I had not thought of the term being used that way. In my field, enmeshment is about relationships between people. But I see how it could be used the way you are describing - I would call that emotional overwhelm.
totally makes sense, nicely explained
Glad it makes sense! Hope it was helpful!
How do I survive being the loner as adult. No emotional connection to them. Haven't individuated nearly enough because I knew I was doomed as kid and gave up. Severe depression and anxiety
You need to find yourself, and let go off your past completely. You start loving yourself and enjoy living for you, not them. Before you have emotional relationship with anyone, you first need to reparent yourself. Your depression will go away after you strengthen your sense of self. It takes lots of work and patience, be kind and forgiving toward your child self. You will save time by just accepting and loving yourself, regardless of what fucked up shit happened to you.
hi . never heard anything about this topic... thank you so much! . such a dense speech! full of useful reflections, indeed... I have just learned where lot of my problems come from... I am so sorry for my son, as well . I think many Italian families follow this pattern.
You are welcome Stefania! Yes, emotional enmeshment does vary by culture as well as by the particular family. And as moms, I think whenever we find something out like this, we immediately worry about our kids. Important to remember they are on their own spiritual journey, and the best we can do is model recovery. All the best, Barbara
Indian as well
I grew up in a role play family, didn’t know it has term for that. My family definitely put my oldest sister into a funny role, I’m the gullible one, my mom is the brave one, my dad is the weak one. Oh well, I thought every family is just like my family.
TY so much for this eye-openning content
So glad you liked it!
I'm triangle, scape goat, parent to the parent, and maybe spousal. Just went no-contact I'm so messed up! I am an empath and HSP so this is extremely hard for me. I am in therapy working hard to get mentally healthy. I'm the youngest and have the task ok keeping the family together.
You are hitting home with all of this. The content describes my maternal family to a T.
I'm pleased the video was helpful, though I'm sorry to hear that! I actually released a new one on enmeshment today, in case it is helpful!ruclips.net/video/ogTzk0kc49c/видео.html
amazing meditation, so great. I've done visualizations and my mom is tied everywhere to my body, scary!!
Listening to your talks has been very helpful
Awesome!
Oh yah, I have been investigating this cut off for a year now. Yes, I notice others have different boundaries to me, I have clear and at times rigid boundaries. However that does not assure my safety in terms of the peoples meaning making and or interpretation. Things can get crazy. Its constant being in my felt body.
Thank you
You're welcome
An incest spirit in a family will cause ongoing enmeshment as well. This too can be broken.
This was incredibly helpful. I had never heard of enmeshment before. It really clicked and helped me to understand my family problems. Thanks!!
So pleased it was helpful!
@@BarbaraHeffernan I knew my family was dysfunctional but I never related to being parentified. I now realize it was because I was "spousified".....this is going to be a great help in therapy.
@@suba_rally9936 yes, it is often good to specifically identify the problem. I haven't done a video specifically on "spousification" (will one day!) but there are a few good ones on RUclips that might help. Wishing you the best.
I’m a qualified therapist and if not heard of this but experienced it. It was a brilliant thing to discuss thank you please do more talks on this
@@blossommeadow9215 Thanks! I'm so glad it was helpful. And I will keep it on my list!
everything your saying makes sense i am married to a spouse who is so enmeshed with his brother in law & mother & he puts them first & has supported them all since he was young & its been traumatic for him & our marriage ? hes never let go they come first allways its sad thanks faith
Do you have more on that boundary bubble? My kids and I were all traumatized by abusive husband, walking on egg shells and I was enmeshed with mentally ill mom. I want my kids and I to learn how to be empathic without feeling responsible to fix eachothers anxiety sadness pain etc.
It certainly keeps the psychologists in business
Unfortunately, yes it does.
This pretty much describes my ex-husband’s family. Sadly it impacted my children, particularly post divorce, which in turn impacted my emotional health. I was constantly fighting something I didn’t fully understand. Now I see the connections and I can work with this. Thank you🤗
Super topic westerners are good in teaching I I've respect u for this topic ✔️🌟
Thank you so much!
This resonated with me
Terrific! Hope it was helpful.
Really enjoyed the exercise. Thank you
You're so welcome! So glad it felt meaningful to you.
Kenny Weiss has an amazing affordable course too
Wow this is so helpful
Thanks for letting me know!
When I went 'no contact' at 23 years old, my mom wrote this weird-ass letter in scrawled handwriting, asking me if I was still part of the family because I moved out on my own. Why I went no contact? The topics in this video is the reason, I felt drained all the time. 'If mama ain't happy, nobody's happy?' not my effen problem anymore from that point. When I moved out to live with a female cousin, I intuited that my mom was 'keeping checks on me' through her, which was denied when I confronted the cousin. I moved out from the cousin's house subsequently , as she said to my face that , ' I wasn't ready to move out on my own', no basis or anything. Internally, I felt compelled to do just that despite the little money I had then. Years later, this same cousin confessed and validated my accusation. After all I shared with her about what happened to me in that messed up mother-daughter relationship, I felt betrayed and stopped talking to her over time.
I've been free away from my family. We need to know how to use our freedom with care .
so true
Wow I needed to hear this right now, today and it's like you are 'heaven sent' My son just doesnt seem to get his life into gear and I worry about him every moment. He makes bad choices that cause him problems yet he doesnt seem to learn BUT ITS NOT UP TO ME TO FIX
THANK YOU 🙏🌺🦋
Yes! So glad it was helpful!
Ask him what tools he needs
I am not responsible for another’s problem unless I am contributing to it. How can we know what is helpful and that also respects boundaries
Thank you :)
You are welcome!
Would you say that enmeshment can also lead you to become less empathetic to others? I'm in a very enmeshed family & moved out of my parents' four months ago for a multitude of reasons, enmeshment being one. I'm naturally very empathetic, but I've noticed that lately I'm starting to not care as much about what others think.
hmmmm... complex question! Maybe sometimes not caring what others think is helpful and not related to whether one has empathy or not.... others opinions are not our responsibility. But there is so much to this question!
When you mentioned the uncle I burst into laughing because my uncle have left his own country for about 40 years and doesn't interact with us very much
yeah, lots of families have one of those! 😂
Hi Barbara!
Hi! Hope this was helpful!
So so soooo tired of being the loner-hero one 🤣
Hi. I was the mother Teresa of everyone or everything around me. Now, I am obviously studying all these... And... It was not fair from my parents not care enough, so that we have to do their job for them.
I have my emotional diary, and it s the second time that I am with a person... And when I try to find the technique they are using, so that I feel soo enmeshed is... Proyection enmeshment... In other words, an abusor proyecting all that to me(consciously or unconsciously)... I think I invented this term... However jt does make me feel better to know that it is that... In other words, my rumination, and my mind going round in circles around my encounter with this person ger
ts better. I would love if you would make a video about this. Honestly it takes me soo much effort to get rid of those proyections, so, yes... Thanks... Kind regards
I can’t stop feeling responsible for my adult children’s happiness ,I was brought up by having to parent my parent, then my now ex partner and now I don’t know who I am or how to parent myself now the children have left home to one join the army and the other is going through divorce
Hi Wendy, I dont have a response for you, but what you shared helps me better understand and have empathy for my own mother. Thank you!
Hi try Googling the narracistic mother, it’s quite an eye opener, and help to make sense of our feelings, good luck 👍
This... yes.
Dad left mom made big sister tge doer fixer and me her "soul mate" I was depressed just like her emotional just like her etc boundaries mean disloyalty unlovingness. Went from that to 20 years domestic abuse with narcissist husband. Kids and i left him last year. 50 yrs old now and just starting to feel I can grow up now have boundaries say no take responsibility for whats mine dump the scapegoat bags of their stuff and parent my kids freely to come and go and be their real selves.
I am literally the escape goat end up rebellion 🤍🤍🤍
I like the visualization exercise. It is a great challenge to disassociate from the suffering of a child. I have a tendency to try and fix it, but I can't. Looking forward to listening to the program on RUclips. Thank you.
I'm so glad the visualization exercise was helpful. I do think it is an effective way to begin to see things differently. I didn't bring spirituality into the discussion yesterday, but there is a sense of we are all on our own spiritual paths (whatever that means to each of us!), and our kids have their own path. I also relate to the pain of watching a child in pain, as I am also a mom :)
What does enmeshment look like in a marriage?
There is often a lot of enmeshment in marriages. It is a similar process of taking responsibility for someone else's emotions. Good topic for a future video!
this video was so thought-provoking and provided startling clarity. thank you! i was hoping to ask: could you elaborate what causes one to become enmeshed with their parent or how is this system created? do the experiences of enmeshment ever cause c-ptsd? is emdr a useful treatment method for enmeshment?
Hi Kira; What important questions! The answer could fill three videos however! I do believe very enmeshed family situations can be linked to c-ptsd, depending on circumstance. I think EMDR could be helpful in recovery from enmeshment, probably in combination with other therapy.
Thanks..I need a surgical tubal reversal
You're welcome!
Everything in this video I've been my whole life 🥴😭 trying to Unlearn and get out
I hope this video is helpful in beginning the journey. Wishing you health and healing, Barbara
It won't let me register for the event
So sorry! The link was incorrect. Here is the correct link:
roadmaptojoy.life/rewiring-your-brain/. Thank you so much for letting me know!
It's really a curse when you hate your partners siblings and they have no boundaries and your partner has no bloody boundary. It's horrible for a partner to be stuck in this nonsense
Yes, I hear this from people fairly often... All people in this situation can do is work on their own boundaries, which is never a popular answer!
Hits home
Hope this is helpful!
Is emotional enmeshment similar to emotional incest?
Emotional enmeshment can happen with any relationships. Some people use the term emotional incest when it is an enmeshed relationship between a parent and child, though it usually would apply if the enmeshment was regarding very intimate issues. Different people use these terms differently.
@@BarbaraHeffernan Thanks for your answer😎
Mow o daw what makes me not happy because i used to be provider and protector of my family. Members.n abused individuals
This is describing most Asian families 😂😭
Many cultures have a lot of enmeshment. Others might have too much distance...
I find that most information on youtube is mostly confusing. Almost by design.. it’s bs.
Parentified child
Shame!!!