Something my counsellor said today: "You are not a victim. The only people who are victims are children, because they are dependent on adults. You have the power to speak up and be assertive." She also said "You need to be your own best friend first." Timely video :)
I love that!! And she's right... labeling ourselves as victims takes away the power we need to be assertive and heal. Thank you so much for sharing!!! xoxo
@Ella Rose My parents have disabilities. Having a disability doesn't automatically mean you have no power to make choices to improve your situation. Being a "victim" and being vulnerable are two different things. As people with disabilities, my parents are vulnerable to exploitation. But seeing them as victims who need help and rescuing just disempowers them.
@Ella Rose People who are uneducated/unaware can be given resources to become educated. Minority groups have power as well to make changes in their lives and relationships. Being a black woman, or being gay and trans, doesn't have to stop you from getting the help you need and resources to take power back in your relationships. Sure there are systemic issues that need addressing, but that doesn't make these people "victims", the term "victim" is disempowering. They are vulnerable though. Seeing these people as "victims" rather than vulnerable is kind of like pitying them, and expecting that they can't improve their situation.
dev0n james please refrain from making anymore politically charged statements on here. This is a supportive community and attacking anyone or any particular type of person is not appreciated
Also working on not feeling guilty when I assert myself. I always feel bad when I ask the other person to see my perspective and always fear losing them when I express displeasure or opposition. I’m learning that some people will leave and that it often has nothing to do with me, it’s just a part of life and I can’t control the outcome
Lastly I’m also working on not doing all the work in my interpersonal relationships to ensure certain outcomes. Learning to let others do or not do their part too.
@@TimeWizard727 Thank you so much for caring. I'm sort of better now, am coping with things ok now, Thank you! I hope you are ok too, I hope you have a great day
Love that last tip! I had to force myself to stop saying "You made me mad, sad, etc" and "You ruined my day" because in the end, YOUR REACTION to what they said/did is what ruined your day or made you upset. Changing your reaction to situations is so powerful.
@Joëlle Weetjewel Oh yeah for sure! I've just eliminated "you made me" phrases. Now I use the more appropriate "I feel" statements to communicate instead.
Unrelated to the video: You ever have things happen that makes you realize you're missing something? I just had a dream I was cuddling with someone and when I woke up it made me realize how lonely I actually feel. So that was fun to wake up to.
I struggled with ALL of these! Living with a mom with bpd your videos helped me to understand her and myself which was the start of me actually living my OWN life. Really hard to do, but absolutely worth it! Thanks kati!
omg i really needed this rn, i really like when you make videos on things like this because it makes me feel less alone knowing that it’s a common thing that people actually do and i’m not the only one ❤️
Realizing I did EVERY SINGLE ONE of the first 5 behaviors in my first romantic relationship that just ended a few months ago. I've got some work to do, thank you Kati!
I definitely used to do this in my romantic relationships, because of all the pressure to "be cool, be chill, don't rock the boat". My relationships actually became more successful when I would actually say "this is what I want" or "when you said x it really hurt my feelings", instead of trying to pretend to be so okay with everything all the time! I'm actually in a situation right now thought where a friend did something damaging to a loved one of mine, and I've been struggling so much with that thought of "they ruined my life, they need to do apologize and fix it". This video combined with your one about dealing with anger really made me realize how much I'd been avoiding processing my feelings and doing my own work. Thanks!
I feel rageful. This video brought back memories of whenever I was upset with my dad about a year ago; And every time I brought it up, my mom kept saying, “By being mad, you’re giving your power away.” It felt so invalidating because I felt like it was taking away my right to feel the way I did. The thing I want the most right now is to be loved unconditionally and to have my experience validated. I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts recently because I don’t feel loved and I feel like my family isn’t taking my mental health seriously. It truly feels like they just don’t care about me. I so desperately want to be loved unconditionally 🥺😔
Anthony Ramirez don’t give up, with the right help, IT DOES GET BETTER!!! ❤️❤️❤️. Please watch this video IMMEDIATELY! ruclips.net/video/6n3XEbloPRI/видео.html Unfortunately, you can’t control others and it sounds like you’re family may not be capable of filling ur desire for unconditional love. You will need to learn how to love yourself and to not have to rely on others to fill that need. I’ll link a few helpful videos below, but know that you are loved and people do care about you! ❤️❤️ ruclips.net/video/HfU3vliw_08/видео.html ruclips.net/video/Ze6YB1gCDYQ/видео.html ruclips.net/video/q8pAGS2VH3Q/видео.html ruclips.net/video/kLjD7wsDq3E/видео.html
Ah your videos are so amazing!!!! I always mention you in therapy my therapist literally says “let me guess kati Morton made a video on that” thank you for these videos they are so informative!
I feel like I’ve lost all of my power, I’m almost 30 but still live with my parents because of my multiple chronic illnesses. It’s shit because as an adult and relying fully on my parents especially financially, I don’t feel like I have the right to have any power of my own.
This video took me days to finish because it was so true of where I am at in many of my relationships. It has given me a lot to think about. I still find the idea of “power” hard to understand. Do I want power? Why does it make me so uncomfortable? Is this why I give away so much of it? I don’t know. What I can do now is work on some of these things (self talk, knowing what I want, maybe even telling others when I am hurt) to make my relationships healthier and take responsibility for my part. Thanks, Kati, great video as always.
Honestly I truly needed this. My therapist is an hour and a half away from me and this is the kind of thing I wonder about... I didn't want to go an hour and a half away to try and spit all of this out in an hours time, so thank you. I really appreciate it ❤️
Hey Kati, is possible if you can start Q&A’s again, or is there a reason why you’re not able to/don’t prefer it? I really enjoyed them mainly bc others asked questions that I was afraid to ask myself, and I liked your supportive and specific answers to your questions. Im not sure if you’ll read this comment, but I gave it a try! Anyways, i always love your videos and thanks for putting extra time each week to produce them!
Just Random Kati still dose FAQ’s on her Patreon! If you become a Patron you can also join Kati & other Kinions on livestreams! Unfortunately, she doesn’t do too may livestreams on other platforms due to time constraints as well as issues with people trolling them. The paywall on Patreon tends to keep trolls out. Kati still makes videos based on people’s questions on her channel but due to time constraints she doesn’t make videos answering multiple questions anymore. Clean out her Patreon at www.patreon.com/katimorton
There's NOTHING WRONG with acknowledging that you ARE an actual victim of past abuse. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that your abusive family DID ruin your life. I have numerous physical illnesses, plus PTSD (which includes numerous phobias, etc), because of them. They ARE to blame. I don't expect them to apology or fix anything. But I have a right to be honest with myself about the reality of how my life became so horrible. I AM helpless and powerless due to my PTSD, and the way they mentally, emotionally and physically crippled me to the point I can't live a normal life. So to say that I'm "playing the victim" or "choosing to feel terrible" is plain ignorant. People with PTSD don't CHOOSE it.
I didn't choose to have those things happen to me as a kid. But seeing myself as a victim now is not empowering. I have the power to take responsibility and rise above what happened to me as a kid. It's not easy. I struggle a lot with emotional dysregulation and emotional flashbacks, and transference and attachment issues in my relationships, but I have been trying to educate myself on strategies and tools to get better at managing emotions and better at relating in healthy ways. I don't have to stay where I started in life, I have the power to educate myself and get therapy and try to do better.
All those ways people give power away, in my case seem to be learned behaviours because of the abuse and neglect in my childhood. And people say now that my childhood is over, it doesn't impact me anymore.
Yes this is something I need this. I am working on this in therapy. Its hard work but I have been taking back the power and it feels good. I am focusing on myself and I don't say sorry anymore unless I do something that hurts someone but self work is worth it
Even though I found this video generally helpful I am not convinced that "Stop thoughts even in your head showing you as the victim" is all that much of a good idea. Not because I am for not taking responsibility and not being the victim, but because trying to stop your thoughts makes them worse. Whatever you try to avoid comes all the more and maybe in more unconcious ways you can´t controll. Rather than doing that it would be more important to heal the underlying wounds and while healing starting to realize, that you can do it on your own.
Thank you for today's video Kati. I wanted to let you know that I shared your "emotionally immature" video with a friend. She really benefited from it and she now is watching more of your videos. Thank you for helping people with their life situations!
I heard a person in AA talk about feeling sorry for yourself. She said it went, "Poor me. Poor me. Pour me another drink." I've heard people decry all the little slogans in AA, but for me they are right on point.
How you give up your power: - over apologize - let others make decisions for you, walk on eggshells - playing the victim - not speaking up - not trusting ourselves How to get your power back: - be confident, positive self talk, have a good self view - know your needs - clear communication.
Kati, I got confused when you talk about being a "victim" and "ptsd", because it's important for a victim of rape to understand it was not their fault, right? To this day there are people that think it was my fault (because I "put myself in danger" near someone I thought I could trust or maybe because I could have done something to avoid it). Although I do understand how that tip can be used in other contexts in life, I can't see how that language can be helpful when people are actually victims (especially regarding rape, because there are so many women being blamed for the rapes they were victim of). Reading this in another comment hurt me "You are not a victim. The only people who are victims are children, because they are dependent on adults. You have the power to speak up and be assertive". It hurt me because sometimes that power is taken from you by force, and this kind of thinking seems to reinforce that maybe the victim could have done something to prevent it when they actually couldn't.
I wrote that comment that you found hurtful, and if it helps you to understand why, it's in the context of seeing a counsellor for domestic violence which I recently experienced. So I'm not just saying that comment without understanding where people are coming from when they've been abused. People's abusive actions towards us are not our fault. But we are not victims, we are survivors. Seeing myself as a victim of domestic violence makes me disempowered, instead of seeing myself as a survivor, who did what she had to do to survive a horrible situation, but now I can be educated and given the tools and the resources to stop allowing people to walk all over me.
And yeah, in the context of a random attack, there's not much you can do to prevent that. But you don't have to stay a victim. What happened was horrible and not your fault, but it's not happening anymore and you have the power to get help so you can heal.
Thank you for your transparency and saying that you have a problem with this. I have this problem too. In fact, your video could not have come at a better time as I just had an argument with my boyfriend and ended up over-apologizing even though I had the right to be upset. This will help me a lot.
I find that when I look over the places I over-apologize, I get a lot of insight as to what my inner critic is saying to me for how I need to behave and then the apology comes in response to that. many times the other person doesn't even think I need to apologize at all.
I was really dependant in relationships, still am. And I felt a lack of control that pushed me into reaching into those relationships more and that made my friends feel like they should pull back. Even though I'm less dependant I still feel a push to connect more than they do, and although it's hard I seen when I pull back more and pretend that I'm okay, or they don't need to call me back - that's when they reach out to me more. I feel so much more in control, calm, etc
We give our power away to people because we think they are true friend but at the same time even if they are your friend, you are the number one and they are number two, you are much more important than them and Than everyone else.
Hi Kati, thanks so much for all of your videos! Tuning in has helped me to see that my struggles are valid and I'm finally in therapy. But I feel this utter sense of hopelessness and helplessness that seems to transcend everything I'm working through, (and I've been able to identify this since elementary school: being deeply emotionally misunderstood by my parents & also them being in a codependent relationship). Also thanks for helping me better understand these concepts.
Joy Pitzer sorry you’re going through a rough time right now, but w/ the right help IT DOES GET BETTER!!! ❤️❤️❤️. I’ll link Kati’s playlist below as well as a few helpful videos! ruclips.net/p/PL_loxoCVsWqzZv5mmk-Xw4IvoHRzc7ki4 ruclips.net/video/_IoIQRyMBmI/видео.html
Yo I KNOW I can definitely be wishy washy and passive aggressive lol maybe more often than I'd like to admit. I appreciate your videos because they really help me look inward! Getting to know yourself is never ending
Hey Kati. I hope this is the right place to ask you questions. I'm autistic, and I have a difficulty with relationships in general (especially friendships). I have a tendency to let people walk all over me, but I'm working on that. My question is, how do I deal with friends who make me feel stupid? Two of my friends are super intelligent, really well educated people. I love them to bits, and they've always been supportive, but lately they've been talking down to me, making me feel stupid because I don't know things that they do (and they act like not knowing these facts is a failing), and getting annoyed with me for my bad memory. (My memory sucks due to an abusive relationship where I was gas lit, and a chronic pain syndrome that causes brain fog as a symptom.) How do I deal with friends who have changed like this without ruining the relationship?
PhantasmagoriaObscura You can always try to post it in the comments right after a video drops & Kati will probably see it. By far the best way is to join Kati’s Patreon where she answers questions on her livestreams! Ck it out at www.patreon.com/katimorton
I just had an experience with a counselor whom I never met or talked to and she calls and gives me an appointment on my answering service, when I spoke to her receptionist I was told she was,coming to my home, I was appauld not given my choice to meet her at the Office instead. When I did talk to the therapist I let her know how unprofessional that's scary, she didn't give me respect to make a decision.
This is something I’m working on myself. Recently asserted myself with someone because they went MIA. Told them I accept their apology but some reassurance in the interim would have helped and not left me wondering where we stand. They invited me somewhere and left me wondering when they went MIA so yea. I unfortunately haven’t heard back from them but as I’m sure you know, asserting yourself with a loved one who has BPD can be difficult Overall, I was feeling emotionally exhausted in all of my interpersonal relationships until I started paying attention to who was responding to what I was communicating. It’s getting easier now and I feel less like a broken record
THANK YOU! This was a powerful and helpful video! I appreciate all that you are sharing on your channel. I believe your heart and message is speaking to so many and is helping people one video at a time.
If I tell someone "I'm sorry", and it's something I had no part in, I'm sorry they are going through whatever. I'm trying to be empathetic and/or supportive. It's what we did when I was growing up. I don't know if it was manners or being polite, but it was normal back then.
There are different types of sorry. One is to show sympathy, as you do, and that is fine. The other kind is what Kati does, where you apologize for something you never did- and that's disempowering. People in Japan do that a lot. If someone on the street bumps into them, for example, they will apologize to the person who bumped them. It's crazy.
I think the last one is true, I always say if they just apologize I can move on and heal and everything will be okay and I have to learn that I have to heal myself. There is a guy who hurt me and for the past year I have been saying all I want him to do is apologize and I won’t press charges I was only 17, just turned 18 and nothing come of it and now I did not press charges cause I thought this would make him feel more inclined to apologize and now I’m stuck with neither and powerless. Like he won and I lost.....
Yeah I was bullied for many years and I continue to feel this pulling to go within and find myself. It's been quite an interesting journey. We all need to find our true selves more :)
My ex & I were BOTH guilty of all 5 behaviors. It created a toxic environment & inhibited our personal growth. We were so enmeshed that we got in a cycle of taking turns having a mental heath crisis. Even though we both still love each other deeply, in the end we weren’t able to make our marriage work & decided to end our marriage to save our friendship. 😿
Hi Kati, Love your videos and they are very helpful. Can you consider doing a video on "Someone enjoying the pain, sufferings, and failures of others." I believe it is called "Schadenfreude
Caitlin Quinn I don’t think Kati has a video specifically on that but Ck out her video on dealing w/ toxic people! ruclips.net/video/vAcWIRuoZRc/видео.html
Could you explain a little more about D.I.D. and how the family can deal with it? My older sister was diagnosed with D.I.D 3 years ago and it's being difficult to deal with the situation and not just that. My mom got into a deep depression because she is feeling guilty about it. Please give me some light.
I really like how you explained this topic. The examples were very helpful. I've been working on this issue for the last 5 years and still am of course, it has been a struggle. The thing I find the hardest is finding the balance between trusting your own opinion and the actions that come with that, finding out it was an unhealthy relationship but keeping that relationship healthy. With family for example. How do you continue trusting and building that relationship, when your commitment lay elsewhere. I don't want to point fingers and act like a victim, but I don't want to be (made) accountable for things that are obviously not done by me. What I mean is, what do you do when the dominant one of the relationship is abusive, while playing the victim? Other than break the relationship of.
Love this video, adding it to my rehab and developement of self love. I wish I could find a good video about toxic birth family and sisters with i NPD qualities.
Stephen Loeffler you may find theses videos helpful! ruclips.net/video/HfU3vliw_08/видео.html ruclips.net/video/Ze6YB1gCDYQ/видео.html ruclips.net/video/XTLcYGXUWpM/видео.html
This is an amazing video. Like always very helpful and workable points. I have been working on the over-apologising and taking decisions but have to work on the rest. Once again, Thank you for everything you do Kati!!!
My boss is great when he could see that I was slipping into being a victim he very quickly but supprtively pointed out which was really useful and helped me overcome the problem
Can you please do a video about drug abuse. It's okay if you don't read my message but just wanted to say thank you for all your help it really means a lot to me.
Hey Kati can you do a video on abandonment and what damage it can do to someone. I haven’t seen you do it yet, you’ve only talked about fear of abandonment. I hope you see this, thank you
In regards to the whole victim-blaming thing: if someone assaults me, I'm not supposed to blame them for that? I'm not supposed to "paint myself as the victim" yet there is supposed to be no situation that calls for unwarranted violence. How is being spontaneously assaulted *my fault*, and how is it my responsibility when I can neither control their thoughts or their actions?
Does not playing the victim mean that you can't expect an excuse from an abuser (or anything, just an example) to move on with your life? When does anothers responbility end and start your responbility?
Thank you for sharing these. I've been having an especially hard week and needed these reminders! (Also: I appreciate the smooth and slow camera transition for the lists!)
Sean of the Dead Ck out Kati’s playlists on trauma & collab aq/ Alexia! ruclips.net/p/PL_loxoCVsWqyg4x9m6VqUfz0PmYaZIR0p ruclips.net/p/PL_loxoCVsWqzLptVD96E-DOlzWhbXT_H8
I do have that whole playlist that TK left in the comment below.. but I also have a video about emotionally unavailable mothers that could help too. xoxo
Sean of the Dead here are links to Kati’s videos on Emotionally Unavailable Parents ruclips.net/video/kLjD7wsDq3E/видео.html ruclips.net/video/q8pAGS2VH3Q/видео.html
How do you speak up when something is wrong without coming across as ‘playing the victim’? If there is a recurring problem that is harming you how do you not blame them for their behaviour?
You don't have blame. But you can expose, or bring awareness to what is happening and question it! You have a right to question it. And then go from there and challenge it if you have to. Maybe it's a misunderstanding, maybe it's something that can be worked on and potentially fixed. But if it's not then it's something you need to fight and not allow.
I don't know whether or not I play the victim. Because I keep blaming the world for mistreating me, but honestly I blame myself for literally everything ever.
Exactly what I am struggling at for the past years. Point 1 to 4 out of 5. Trying to do the power-back things, I knew them, understood them, but actually doing them are hard.... Totally out of my zone
Hi Kati, I was wondering if you could go over the topic of abusive doctors and psychiatrists. I had a horribly traumatic experience with a psychiatrist who prescribed me a drug I was so allergic to it nearly killed me. I was slowly being poisoned to death for 6 weeks and in that time I was yelled at, hung up on, kicked out of his office, then after I was hospitalized, completely medically abandoned and totally ignored. It’s been five years, and I can’t even go to the dentist now much less get back in therapy. I’m *terrified* of doctors abusing their power and/or neglecting me. Any advice?
Wow, that sound horrific. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I've also had really bad experiences with doctors and dentists, and know people who've had bad experiences with psychiatrists. I don't trust any of them. It sounds like you have PTSD (which is what I have, too). If you learn about it, through books and vids, that could help you.
Practice makes perfect..., never stop trying to learn. Knowledge is power and self control goes a long way. It can be done even when it seems impossible. All people are different. All people won't always, necessarily get along. There is great power in enjoying the simple things. Be kind, be polite, show mercy and forgiveness. It won't always be easy to do. Sometimes, you'll have to fight and you 'll have to do what's necessary. But a lot of the times it's really not that bad. You can be a good person in a cruel world. Even if it's hard. In the end you win either way. 💓 I love all you strangers.
I had 2 piano teachers growing up. One said, practice makes perfect. The 2nd one said, practice makes proficient. I learned so much more from the 2nd teacher and enjoyed the process. Perfection cannot be achieved, but proficiency can.
What if you're in a relationship with someone like this and they simply don't want to change no matter how hard you try. What are you supposed to do? Especially the "playing the victim" part is incredibly difficult to live with.
Arthur Smaal unfortunately, the hard truth is that someone isn’t going to change if they don’t want to & no amount of work on your end is going to change that. Unless you’re willing to accept them as they are, you should probably consider leaving the relationship
Have you heard of the "Drama Triangle"? My counsellor went through it with me yesterday. We all play roles when there's dramas in our relationships. We can be a victim, be a rescuer, or be a persecutor. Each of these people has legitimate needs and wishes but go about it the wrong way. Eg the victim feels and is vulnerable. The rescuer has to resist the temptation to take away the victim's capacity to help themselves.
I have struggle with understanding my wants. I've been told couple of times that I should just take initiatives - because I've been just following people with their suggestions, but I understand why is that annoying for others, and makes me look boring. But even if I think about it, I don't know what I want. Do I even want anything? How do I start to want if I haven't wanted?
I think you need to start recognizing which thoughts are your own thoughts and which ones are actually someone elses that you've adopted automatically but you know it isnt actually true for you. make a list of everything you want and as you go through each one you can ask yourself is that me talking or who else could be saying that if it wasn't me. I find that there are certain things that its so clear its not you when you focus on them, and there are some that are clearly part of you. the ones in between will take longer to understand, but you want to start developing that skill of noticing and really exploring whose wants you are experiencing.
This is my most favourite video you have made.
It's so on point, and speaks volumes.
Thanks always for your amazing work 💖💛💙
Something my counsellor said today: "You are not a victim. The only people who are victims are children, because they are dependent on adults. You have the power to speak up and be assertive."
She also said "You need to be your own best friend first."
Timely video :)
I love that!! And she's right... labeling ourselves as victims takes away the power we need to be assertive and heal. Thank you so much for sharing!!! xoxo
@Ella Rose
My parents have disabilities.
Having a disability doesn't automatically mean you have no power to make choices to improve your situation.
Being a "victim" and being vulnerable are two different things.
As people with disabilities, my parents are vulnerable to exploitation. But seeing them as victims who need help and rescuing just disempowers them.
@Ella Rose
People who are uneducated/unaware can be given resources to become educated.
Minority groups have power as well to make changes in their lives and relationships.
Being a black woman, or being gay and trans, doesn't have to stop you from getting the help you need and resources to take power back in your relationships.
Sure there are systemic issues that need addressing, but that doesn't make these people "victims", the term "victim" is disempowering. They are vulnerable though.
Seeing these people as "victims" rather than vulnerable is kind of like pitying them, and expecting that they can't improve their situation.
dev0n james please refrain from making anymore politically charged statements on here. This is a supportive community and attacking anyone or any particular type of person is not appreciated
@@_just_TK Hard agree.
Also working on not feeling guilty when I assert myself. I always feel bad when I ask the other person to see my perspective and always fear losing them when I express displeasure or opposition. I’m learning that some people will leave and that it often has nothing to do with me, it’s just a part of life and I can’t control the outcome
Lastly I’m also working on not doing all the work in my interpersonal relationships to ensure certain outcomes. Learning to let others do or not do their part too.
I know this isn't related to the video but I've almost gone 2 days without cutting! Thank you for helping me through your videos Kati!
Miranda O'Neill Woot Woot!!! SO proud of you! You got this!!! ❤️❤️❤️
Woot woot!!! Congrats!! So proud of you!! xox
So proud of you!! You got this!!💛
It's been about a month now, I hope you are coping okay with things, Miranda! :)
@@TimeWizard727 Thank you so much for caring. I'm sort of better now, am coping with things ok now, Thank you! I hope you are ok too, I hope you have a great day
Love that last tip! I had to force myself to stop saying "You made me mad, sad, etc" and "You ruined my day" because in the end, YOUR REACTION to what they said/did is what ruined your day or made you upset. Changing your reaction to situations is so powerful.
Exactly!! It can be hard at first.. but so life changing!!! xoxo
@Joëlle Weetjewel Oh yeah for sure! I've just eliminated "you made me" phrases. Now I use the more appropriate "I feel" statements to communicate instead.
@@Katimorton thanks for the response! Made my day 😊
Unrelated to the video:
You ever have things happen that makes you realize you're missing something? I just had a dream I was cuddling with someone and when I woke up it made me realize how lonely I actually feel. So that was fun to wake up to.
I struggled with ALL of these! Living with a mom with bpd your videos helped me to understand her and myself which was the start of me actually living my OWN life. Really hard to do, but absolutely worth it! Thanks kati!
omg i really needed this rn, i really like when you make videos on things like this because it makes me feel less alone knowing that it’s a common thing that people actually do and i’m not the only one ❤️
Realizing I did EVERY SINGLE ONE of the first 5 behaviors in my first romantic relationship that just ended a few months ago. I've got some work to do, thank you Kati!
I definitely used to do this in my romantic relationships, because of all the pressure to "be cool, be chill, don't rock the boat". My relationships actually became more successful when I would actually say "this is what I want" or "when you said x it really hurt my feelings", instead of trying to pretend to be so okay with everything all the time!
I'm actually in a situation right now thought where a friend did something damaging to a loved one of mine, and I've been struggling so much with that thought of "they ruined my life, they need to do apologize and fix it". This video combined with your one about dealing with anger really made me realize how much I'd been avoiding processing my feelings and doing my own work. Thanks!
I feel rageful. This video brought back memories of whenever I was upset with my dad about a year ago; And every time I brought it up, my mom kept saying, “By being mad, you’re giving your power away.” It felt so invalidating because I felt like it was taking away my right to feel the way I did. The thing I want the most right now is to be loved unconditionally and to have my experience validated. I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts recently because I don’t feel loved and I feel like my family isn’t taking my mental health seriously. It truly feels like they just don’t care about me. I so desperately want to be loved unconditionally 🥺😔
Anthony Ramirez don’t give up, with the right help, IT DOES GET BETTER!!! ❤️❤️❤️. Please watch this video IMMEDIATELY! ruclips.net/video/6n3XEbloPRI/видео.html
Unfortunately, you can’t control others and it sounds like you’re family may not be capable of filling ur desire for unconditional love. You will need to learn how to love yourself and to not have to rely on others to fill that need. I’ll link a few helpful videos below, but know that you are loved and people do care about you! ❤️❤️
ruclips.net/video/HfU3vliw_08/видео.html
ruclips.net/video/Ze6YB1gCDYQ/видео.html
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Hey, how are you doing now?
Ah your videos are so amazing!!!! I always mention you in therapy my therapist literally says “let me guess kati Morton made a video on that” thank you for these videos they are so informative!
Thats really cool. I should do the same
Blondie-11 let me know if you do!’
@@bellaandsevy5338 sure I will be glad to. Katie is a fantastic resourse.
Ginger Snapped my therapist used to refer to Kati as my “2nd therapist”! 😹.
hahah!! I love it :) xoxo So glad they are helpful!!
I feel like I’ve lost all of my power, I’m almost 30 but still live with my parents because of my multiple chronic illnesses. It’s shit because as an adult and relying fully on my parents especially financially, I don’t feel like I have the right to have any power of my own.
I'm so sorry. I'm almost in the same situation, so I totally understand. It's a horrible feeling.
This video took me days to finish because it was so true of where I am at in many of my relationships. It has given me a lot to think about. I still find the idea of “power” hard to understand. Do I want power? Why does it make me so uncomfortable? Is this why I give away so much of it? I don’t know. What I can do now is work on some of these things (self talk, knowing what I want, maybe even telling others when I am hurt) to make my relationships healthier and take responsibility for my part. Thanks, Kati, great video as always.
Honestly I truly needed this. My therapist is an hour and a half away from me and this is the kind of thing I wonder about... I didn't want to go an hour and a half away to try and spit all of this out in an hours time, so thank you. I really appreciate it ❤️
Hey Kati, is possible if you can start Q&A’s again, or is there a reason why you’re not able to/don’t prefer it? I really enjoyed them mainly bc others asked questions that I was afraid to ask myself, and I liked your supportive and specific answers to your questions. Im not sure if you’ll read this comment, but I gave it a try! Anyways, i always love your videos and thanks for putting extra time each week to produce them!
Just Random Kati still dose FAQ’s on her Patreon! If you become a Patron you can also join Kati & other Kinions on livestreams! Unfortunately, she doesn’t do too may livestreams on other platforms due to time constraints as well as issues with people trolling them. The paywall on Patreon tends to keep trolls out. Kati still makes videos based on people’s questions on her channel but due to time constraints she doesn’t make videos answering multiple questions anymore. Clean out her Patreon at www.patreon.com/katimorton
I just love the way you sayyyy, "Welcome!!!".
She sounds like she's talking to preschoolers 😆
Everyone does 😂
Cutest!
It always seems like a hiccup to me.
There's NOTHING WRONG with acknowledging that you ARE an actual victim of past abuse. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that your abusive family DID ruin your life. I have numerous physical illnesses, plus PTSD (which includes numerous phobias, etc), because of them. They ARE to blame. I don't expect them to apology or fix anything. But I have a right to be honest with myself about the reality of how my life became so horrible. I AM helpless and powerless due to my PTSD, and the way they mentally, emotionally and physically crippled me to the point I can't live a normal life. So to say that I'm "playing the victim" or "choosing to feel terrible" is plain ignorant. People with PTSD don't CHOOSE it.
I didn't choose to have those things happen to me as a kid.
But seeing myself as a victim now is not empowering.
I have the power to take responsibility and rise above what happened to me as a kid.
It's not easy. I struggle a lot with emotional dysregulation and emotional flashbacks, and transference and attachment issues in my relationships, but I have been trying to educate myself on strategies and tools to get better at managing emotions and better at relating in healthy ways.
I don't have to stay where I started in life, I have the power to educate myself and get therapy and try to do better.
All those ways people give power away, in my case seem to be learned behaviours because of the abuse and neglect in my childhood. And people say now that my childhood is over, it doesn't impact me anymore.
Childhood abuse can negatively impact the rest of your life. So the people who said that are ignorant.
This is such a good video because there are no mind games or similar crap, just clear reflection on our behaviors and how to correct them.
Yes this is something I need this. I am working on this in therapy. Its hard work but I have been taking back the power and it feels good. I am focusing on myself and I don't say sorry anymore unless I do something that hurts someone but self work is worth it
I feel like anyone can relate to this video... whether you’re in a romantic relationship or even living with your parents!
Even though I found this video generally helpful I am not convinced that "Stop thoughts even in your head showing you as the victim" is all that much of a good idea. Not because I am for not taking responsibility and not being the victim, but because trying to stop your thoughts makes them worse. Whatever you try to avoid comes all the more and maybe in more unconcious ways you can´t controll. Rather than doing that it would be more important to heal the underlying wounds and while healing starting to realize, that you can do it on your own.
Thank you for today's video Kati. I wanted to let you know that I shared your "emotionally immature" video with a friend. She really benefited from it and she now is watching more of your videos. Thank you for helping people with their life situations!
Theresa Leszczynski WOOT WOOT!!!
Yay!! So glad!!! xoxoxo
I heard a person in AA talk about feeling sorry for yourself. She said it went, "Poor me. Poor me. Pour me another drink." I've heard people decry all the little slogans in AA, but for me they are right on point.
How you give up your power:
- over apologize
- let others make decisions for you, walk on eggshells
- playing the victim
- not speaking up
- not trusting ourselves
How to get your power back:
- be confident, positive self talk, have a good self view
- know your needs
- clear communication.
Kati, I got confused when you talk about being a "victim" and "ptsd", because it's important for a victim of rape to understand it was not their fault, right? To this day there are people that think it was my fault (because I "put myself in danger" near someone I thought I could trust or maybe because I could have done something to avoid it). Although I do understand how that tip can be used in other contexts in life, I can't see how that language can be helpful when people are actually victims (especially regarding rape, because there are so many women being blamed for the rapes they were victim of). Reading this in another comment hurt me "You are not a victim. The only people who are victims are children, because they are dependent on adults. You have the power to speak up and be assertive". It hurt me because sometimes that power is taken from you by force, and this kind of thinking seems to reinforce that maybe the victim could have done something to prevent it when they actually couldn't.
I wrote that comment that you found hurtful, and if it helps you to understand why, it's in the context of seeing a counsellor for domestic violence which I recently experienced. So I'm not just saying that comment without understanding where people are coming from when they've been abused.
People's abusive actions towards us are not our fault.
But we are not victims, we are survivors.
Seeing myself as a victim of domestic violence makes me disempowered, instead of seeing myself as a survivor, who did what she had to do to survive a horrible situation, but now I can be educated and given the tools and the resources to stop allowing people to walk all over me.
And yeah, in the context of a random attack, there's not much you can do to prevent that.
But you don't have to stay a victim. What happened was horrible and not your fault, but it's not happening anymore and you have the power to get help so you can heal.
Thank you for your transparency and saying that you have a problem with this. I have this problem too. In fact, your video could not have come at a better time as I just had an argument with my boyfriend and ended up over-apologizing even though I had the right to be upset. This will help me a lot.
I find that when I look over the places I over-apologize, I get a lot of insight as to what my inner critic is saying to me for how I need to behave and then the apology comes in response to that. many times the other person doesn't even think I need to apologize at all.
I was really dependant in relationships, still am. And I felt a lack of control that pushed me into reaching into those relationships more and that made my friends feel like they should pull back. Even though I'm less dependant I still feel a push to connect more than they do, and although it's hard I seen when I pull back more and pretend that I'm okay, or they don't need to call me back - that's when they reach out to me more. I feel so much more in control, calm, etc
We give our power away to people because we think they are true friend but at the same time even if they are your friend, you are the number one and they are number two, you are much more important than them and Than everyone else.
Hi Kati, thanks so much for all of your videos! Tuning in has helped me to see that my struggles are valid and I'm finally in therapy. But I feel this utter sense of hopelessness and helplessness that seems to transcend everything I'm working through, (and I've been able to identify this since elementary school: being deeply emotionally misunderstood by my parents & also them being in a codependent relationship). Also thanks for helping me better understand these concepts.
Joy Pitzer sorry you’re going through a rough time right now, but w/ the right help IT DOES GET BETTER!!! ❤️❤️❤️. I’ll link Kati’s playlist below as well as a few helpful videos!
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@@_just_TK TK thanks so much that means a lot.
Joy Pitzer ❤️👍
Yo I KNOW I can definitely be wishy washy and passive aggressive lol maybe more often than I'd like to admit. I appreciate your videos because they really help me look inward! Getting to know yourself is never ending
So true.
I love your content, and I relate to it. The over-apologizing is crazy and I used to do it so automatically without realizing it. Thanks!
Hey Kati. I hope this is the right place to ask you questions. I'm autistic, and I have a difficulty with relationships in general (especially friendships). I have a tendency to let people walk all over me, but I'm working on that. My question is, how do I deal with friends who make me feel stupid? Two of my friends are super intelligent, really well educated people. I love them to bits, and they've always been supportive, but lately they've been talking down to me, making me feel stupid because I don't know things that they do (and they act like not knowing these facts is a failing), and getting annoyed with me for my bad memory. (My memory sucks due to an abusive relationship where I was gas lit, and a chronic pain syndrome that causes brain fog as a symptom.) How do I deal with friends who have changed like this without ruining the relationship?
PhantasmagoriaObscura You can always try to post it in the comments right after a video drops & Kati will probably see it. By far the best way is to join Kati’s Patreon where she answers questions on her livestreams! Ck it out at www.patreon.com/katimorton
I just had an experience with a counselor whom I never met or talked to and she calls and gives me an appointment on my answering service, when I spoke to her receptionist I was told she was,coming to my home, I was appauld not given my choice to meet her at the Office instead. When I did talk to the therapist I let her know how unprofessional that's scary, she didn't give me respect to make a decision.
Thank you Kati
Love the way you say "welcome" with that sunny attitude :)
Beautifully said! Powerfully true!
This is something I’m working on myself. Recently asserted myself with someone because they went MIA. Told them I accept their apology but some reassurance in the interim would have helped and not left me wondering where we stand. They invited me somewhere and left me wondering when they went MIA so yea. I unfortunately haven’t heard back from them but as I’m sure you know, asserting yourself with a loved one who has BPD can be difficult
Overall, I was feeling emotionally exhausted in all of my interpersonal relationships until I started paying attention to who was responding to what I was communicating. It’s getting easier now and I feel less like a broken record
This video is perfect timing. I've been struggling with exactly this. Thank you for sharing some great tips!
I'm so glad you posted this video, we teach people how to treat us!
THANK YOU! This was a powerful and helpful video! I appreciate all that you are sharing on your channel. I believe your heart and message is speaking to so many and is helping people one video at a time.
Sorry this has low views but it really helped me -- thank you, Kati!!!
If I tell someone "I'm sorry", and it's something I had no part in, I'm sorry they are going through whatever. I'm trying to be empathetic and/or supportive. It's what we did when I was growing up. I don't know if it was manners or being polite, but it was normal back then.
There are different types of sorry. One is to show sympathy, as you do, and that is fine. The other kind is what Kati does, where you apologize for something you never did- and that's disempowering. People in Japan do that a lot. If someone on the street bumps into them, for example, they will apologize to the person who bumped them. It's crazy.
Very, very, very good advice!
I think the last one is true, I always say if they just apologize I can move on and heal and everything will be okay and I have to learn that I have to heal myself. There is a guy who hurt me and for the past year I have been saying all I want him to do is apologize and I won’t press charges I was only 17, just turned 18 and nothing come of it and now I did not press charges cause I thought this would make him feel more inclined to apologize and now I’m stuck with neither and powerless. Like he won and I lost.....
Admitting fault for others mistakes just to make them feel better about themselves can be dangerous
Yeah I was bullied for many years and I continue to feel this pulling to go within and find myself. It's been quite an interesting journey. We all need to find our true selves more :)
My ex & I were BOTH guilty of all 5 behaviors. It created a toxic environment & inhibited our personal growth. We were so enmeshed that we got in a cycle of taking turns having a mental heath crisis. Even though we both still love each other deeply, in the end we weren’t able to make our marriage work & decided to end our marriage to save our friendship. 😿
Hi Kati, Love your videos and they are very helpful. Can you consider doing a video on "Someone enjoying the pain, sufferings, and failures of others." I believe it is called "Schadenfreude
Yes it is definitely called Schadenfreude, I can tell bc I am german 😁
@@Madamekittylein I have a sister who enjoys the pain and sufferings of others. My dad had this as well. Could it be genetic? Thank you for the reply.
Thank you for this. It was such a helpful reminder of the things my therapist use to say to me. Love this video!
Thank you Kati, this is empowering :) I'm going to search to see if you have a video on selfish behaviour and how to cope with it in others.
Caitlin Quinn I don’t think Kati has a video specifically on that but Ck out her video on dealing w/ toxic people! ruclips.net/video/vAcWIRuoZRc/видео.html
@@_just_TK thank you :)
really needed this one. thank you.
Could you explain a little more about D.I.D. and how the family can deal with it? My older sister was diagnosed with D.I.D 3 years ago and it's being difficult to deal with the situation and not just that. My mom got into a deep depression because she is feeling guilty about it. Please give me some light.
Mía Micho ck out Kati’s video on DID! ruclips.net/video/BoJNkKWs3iI/видео.html
@@_just_TK thx
Ohhh you know I need this one 💕
xoxox
Thank you you don’t know how much I needed this video today
She is great. She helps me a lot.
I really like how you explained this topic. The examples were very helpful. I've been working on this issue for the last 5 years and still am of course, it has been a struggle. The thing I find the hardest is finding the balance between trusting your own opinion and the actions that come with that, finding out it was an unhealthy relationship but keeping that relationship healthy. With family for example. How do you continue trusting and building that relationship, when your commitment lay elsewhere. I don't want to point fingers and act like a victim, but I don't want to be (made) accountable for things that are obviously not done by me. What I mean is, what do you do when the dominant one of the relationship is abusive, while playing the victim? Other than break the relationship of.
this is so relevant to me right now!!! thank you again for another informative & helpful video, Kati :)
So cute 4:24 the little star dust when pointed at the screen～
Thank you so much Kati. I Love your videos.
Can you please do a video on anger please
Deer K Kati already has several great videos on anger!
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This video sounds right up my alley lately. Lol. God is that you it’s me Carly.
Love this video, adding it to my rehab and developement of self love.
I wish I could find a good video about toxic birth family and sisters with i NPD qualities.
Stephen Loeffler you may find theses videos helpful!
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This is an amazing video. Like always very helpful and workable points. I have been working on the over-apologising and taking decisions but have to work on the rest.
Once again, Thank you for everything you do Kati!!!
My boss is great when he could see that I was slipping into being a victim he very quickly but supprtively pointed out which was really useful and helped me overcome the problem
Can you please do a video about drug abuse. It's okay if you don't read my message but just wanted to say thank you for all your help it really means a lot to me.
Cheyenne Gillon Gibson Ck out Kati’s playlist on addiction! ruclips.net/p/PL_loxoCVsWqzSlM3Xf6G5n5mli7LogtbF
I do have videos on addiction!! Check them out and i hope they help :) xox
Really needed this, thank you!
Hey Kati can you do a video on abandonment and what damage it can do to someone. I haven’t seen you do it yet, you’ve only talked about fear of abandonment. I hope you see this, thank you
I love your videos Kati, they are always so helpful! 😊, loved this video
excellent as always!
Thanks Kati... i really respect you for the service you are doing.. 😘😘
In regards to the whole victim-blaming thing: if someone assaults me, I'm not supposed to blame them for that? I'm not supposed to "paint myself as the victim" yet there is supposed to be no situation that calls for unwarranted violence. How is being spontaneously assaulted *my fault*, and how is it my responsibility when I can neither control their thoughts or their actions?
Does not playing the victim mean that you can't expect an excuse from an abuser (or anything, just an example) to move on with your life? When does anothers responbility end and start your responbility?
Thank you for sharing these. I've been having an especially hard week and needed these reminders! (Also: I appreciate the smooth and slow camera transition for the lists!)
"You take that power back!"
"No, YOU take that power back!"
-2 Dismissive Avoidants
Can relate to people pleaser. Thanks for the info.
Of course!! I hope it was helpful :) xoxo
Apparently I need to watch WAY more of your videos. Got any about facing down a lifetime of abuse and neglect?
Sean of the Dead Ck out Kati’s playlists on trauma & collab aq/ Alexia!
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I do have that whole playlist that TK left in the comment below.. but I also have a video about emotionally unavailable mothers that could help too. xoxo
@@Katimorton thank you. Best way out is forward after all.
Sean of the Dead here are links to Kati’s videos on Emotionally Unavailable Parents
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Damn, just something i really needed and right on time! Thank you so much!
I needed this!
Thank you Kati! This is so helpful!!
I love your videos, kati 💕
Awe thank you Marina!! xoxo
Thanks Kat.. This video is so helpful.. 😊😊😊
How do you speak up when something is wrong without coming across as ‘playing the victim’? If there is a recurring problem that is harming you how do you not blame them for their behaviour?
You don't have blame. But you can expose, or bring awareness to what is happening and question it! You have a right to question it. And then go from there and challenge it if you have to. Maybe it's a misunderstanding, maybe it's something that can be worked on and potentially fixed. But if it's not then it's something you need to fight and not allow.
Thank you for making this video ❤️❤️❤️
I don't know whether or not I play the victim. Because I keep blaming the world for mistreating me, but honestly I blame myself for literally everything ever.
You're so amazing for doing this!!!
xoxo
@@Katimorton 😍😍😍
Exactly what I am struggling at for the past years. Point 1 to 4 out of 5.
Trying to do the power-back things, I knew them, understood them, but actually doing them are hard.... Totally out of my zone
thank you for your videos. they are wonderful!!
Hi Kati, I was wondering if you could go over the topic of abusive doctors and psychiatrists. I had a horribly traumatic experience with a psychiatrist who prescribed me a drug I was so allergic to it nearly killed me. I was slowly being poisoned to death for 6 weeks and in that time I was yelled at, hung up on, kicked out of his office, then after I was hospitalized, completely medically abandoned and totally ignored. It’s been five years, and I can’t even go to the dentist now much less get back in therapy. I’m *terrified* of doctors abusing their power and/or neglecting me. Any advice?
Wow, that sound horrific. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I've also had really bad experiences with doctors and dentists, and know people who've had bad experiences with psychiatrists. I don't trust any of them. It sounds like you have PTSD (which is what I have, too). If you learn about it, through books and vids, that could help you.
Practice makes perfect..., never stop trying to learn. Knowledge is power and self control goes a long way. It can be done even when it seems impossible. All people are different. All people won't always, necessarily get along. There is great power in enjoying the simple things. Be kind, be polite, show mercy and forgiveness. It won't always be easy to do. Sometimes, you'll have to fight and you 'll have to do what's necessary. But a lot of the times it's really not that bad. You can be a good person in a cruel world. Even if it's hard. In the end you win either way. 💓 I love all you strangers.
I had 2 piano teachers growing up. One said, practice makes perfect. The 2nd one said, practice makes proficient. I learned so much more from the 2nd teacher and enjoyed the process. Perfection cannot be achieved, but proficiency can.
MsBettyR. I had a cello teacher who said “Practice makes permanent”
@@_just_TK Oh, I like that too! And it's so true.
i NEEDED this so much right now, thank you 💖
Thank you! This is so helpful!! 😊
What if you indeed were the victim? What if someone indeed hurt you? We don't say you hurt/used/insulted/abused me?
Thank you Kati!
Of course Paula :) xoxo
What if you're in a relationship with someone like this and they simply don't want to change no matter how hard you try. What are you supposed to do? Especially the "playing the victim" part is incredibly difficult to live with.
Arthur Smaal unfortunately, the hard truth is that someone isn’t going to change if they don’t want to & no amount of work on your end is going to change that. Unless you’re willing to accept them as they are, you should probably consider leaving the relationship
Have you heard of the "Drama Triangle"?
My counsellor went through it with me yesterday. We all play roles when there's dramas in our relationships. We can be a victim, be a rescuer, or be a persecutor. Each of these people has legitimate needs and wishes but go about it the wrong way.
Eg the victim feels and is vulnerable. The rescuer has to resist the temptation to take away the victim's capacity to help themselves.
@@PRoseLegendary I read about that a while ago. I think that applies to my situation too.
I have struggle with understanding my wants. I've been told couple of times that I should just take initiatives - because I've been just following people with their suggestions, but I understand why is that annoying for others, and makes me look boring. But even if I think about it, I don't know what I want. Do I even want anything? How do I start to want if I haven't wanted?
I think you need to start recognizing which thoughts are your own thoughts and which ones are actually someone elses that you've adopted automatically but you know it isnt actually true for you.
make a list of everything you want and as you go through each one you can ask yourself is that me talking or who else could be saying that if it wasn't me. I find that there are certain things that its so clear its not you when you focus on them, and there are some that are clearly part of you. the ones in between will take longer to understand, but you want to start developing that skill of noticing and really exploring whose wants you are experiencing.
Wise words Katie, thanks!
So helpful. Love you 😘❤️
Thank you for the advice!
Love your message