That was GUTTING. As a lifelong reader, who has also struggled with anxiety and panic disorder, this sounds like my worst nightmare. I can’t imagine what this must be like. You’re very brave to talk about it. Cheers!
I'm glad to hear you've been finding your way back to something you clearly love so much. Thank you for all your work and dedication to knowledge and culture, and thank you so much for being so brave and open about this. Books not only save lives, books are the path to a better future. We should all aim to be more like books, without judgment, without bias, and ready to comfort those in need. Take care, Cinzia, and thank you again.
Your experience of abuse as a dyslexic person is similar to my own experience as an ADHD/Autistic person. I have some idea of what you're going through and I 100% support you. Good luck with your therapy and healing.
I had a similar thought, we are so abused as undiagnosed children. I deeply grieved the childhood I could have had for months after my diagnosis. I was 34 at the time and when I told my mom, she replied with "ADHD isn't real". I have since gone NC.
I used to read like crazy, but i just cannot pick a book up like i used to. I recently started with audiobooks and it seems to be working but i miss reading. Im gunna be honest see this video this morning has given me some hope that im not losing my mind. Thank you for talking about this, i knew i was afraid of reading but i thought it had to do with not wanting something to end. Thank you so much.
I had the same problem and I couldnt understand why but then it turned out i have adhd and that its really common that people with adhd read a lot when younger but not when they are adults and I just couldnt get myself to concentrate, even tho I really wanted to read but i never got far, but after knowing why it happened, and I watched a ton of videos on books, i started reading again with really easy to read YA and now ive been reading a lot the past few months and im so happy abodut it! it might just be a hyperfixation atm, but I'm just going with it
Give yourself time, i stopped reading for years thanks t odepression, adhd and burnout. There will be a time and a book that will bring you back to it. For me it helped to spend time in librarys and bookshops, browsing books, reading their back, just getting involved with them again
@@nodoubtmisa this resonates so much. “Reader” was a core part of my personality as a child and teen and now I find it so hard to concentrate and finish a book. I’ve long suspected I have adhd and my goal for 2024 is to finally shift my backside to get a formal assessment.
Thank You for beeing open and vulnerable about Your mental health! I do sincerely appreciate it! Only those who are vulnerable become strong!❤️🎄❤️ You,’re a hero!❤
Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, The Secrets of Nicholas Flammel, The Inheritance Cycle were all books my mother and I read together for 19 years. Then she was diagnosed with cancer and died in 2019. We were rereading Harry Potter up until she passed. We were reading book 📖 four Goblet of Fire. I can’t bear to read any of these books 📚 I love ❤ for fear of breaking down and crying 😢 I waste my free time, which actually is abundant as I’m unmarried and live alone, on social media. Thank you Cinzia for opening up and discussing your struggle. You’re not alone.
I’m glad you’re coming to know yourself better. I have an acquired brain injury so I relate to some of your experiences, I used to write all the time but now my brain just won’t do the thing.. it properly sucks when something you love also causes you difficulty and discomfort.
Cinzia, as someone with ADHD, thank you for sharing your story. I actually went through a very similar hell. People made fun of me for not being able to read, and would get upset/make fun of me for not being able to read. I'm only a few years older than you, but I stopped reading for a while after college. It took me years to get back into it. In the end, it was Goodreads challenge that helped me remember that I loved reading. I don't know if I would recommend that for you, but just know, you're not alone. I've even been fighting an art slump since 2018 and I'm only just starting to heal from that and remembering why I love drawing. It takes time, but you can heal. I wish you the best in your journey.
I understand what you're going through. Mine had the politeness to wait after my studies, I was not able to read in any capacity "clever" books from 2016 to actually last month, after years of work on me, and getting me out of the darkest places. I was still able to read romance and the like, I would say I was even binging them to numb me to life, it took me also years so stopping using reading romance as a dissociative tool. I wish that you will get through it soon darling, and all the surrounding issues associated with it. I could feel through the screen how much it affects you. I hope you're getting the hugs and hot chocolates you deserve, sending you virtual love and hugs
Thank you so much. I'm dyslexic and desperately want to be an academic. I am halfway through my bachelor's degree at 18. All of my teachers have always told me I can't do it and I should stop. Thank you for showing me that my dyslexia does not mean I can't get my degree. I'm so proud if you.
Please get in touch with your SEN/student services dept for support and accommodations. I used to mentor students with dyslexia, autism and Adhd in a college and I loved it. You don't lack intelligence (you may well be above average intelligence) but you might benefit from a few accommodations and some support. There's loads of great things out there to make learning accessible to different types of brains. Our college had an excellent dyslexia specialist tutor. I wish you lots of success, you can do it!
Oh dear sweet Cinzia. Girl, I feel like we are kindred spirits or soul family and I want to fly my ass from the USA to Scotland, come find you, and just hug you so tight. We all love you so much here and we all appreciate your openness and willingness to share and be so raw with us. We love you!! I know it’s easier said than done, but f what others think and say…. You have a community that loves and supports you!!
SUCH a poignant video-my 💛 goes out to you Cinzia and I’m rooting for you; even though it’s a part of of how we navigate the world we are so much more than the abuse we’ve suffered and the taunts we’ve endured I’m in much admiration of your bravery, vulnerability, and tenacity 📚
I understand , I also use to read everything I could get my hands on. I still love buying, looking and watching others review books but I just can't read them. I couldn't figure out why. "Books do save lives, so keep reading". You have given me hope that I'm not crazy. At least mine had the courtesy to wait till I was in my 40s but got worse as I got older. I stopped reading completely 2019ish, an haven't read any books. Cinzia you are an awesome, intelligent and brave human being. Don't ever let anyone tell you any different.
Have you tried to read books in simple language? I know at least in germany there are normal books published in simpler words for people struggling to read, no matter if its due to dyslexia or because theire not fluent in german or whatever.
First and foremost, I'm so sorry to hear all the huge extent of troubles and traumas you've been through. I don't want to take away from everything you've survived, but your story sounds very similar to mine. I understand everything you've talked about in this video, and I hear you and support you, and even though we've never met, I want you to know that you have a friend in me. Secondly, I want to thank you for being so raw and open with your story. I thought I was alone in my similar struggles. And although I wouldn't wish anyone to go through this, it's comforting to know I'm not alone. Keep fighting 💪 you're a survivor!🤍
The sheer amount of people who seem intent on putting others down instead of lifting them up - it’ll never cease to amaze me. I just don’t see the point, there’s plenty of space for all of us. Happy you got back into reading because otherwise this channel wouldn’t have existed, and I’ve been really enjoying the stuff you put out! Please keep reading!
Thank you for this. As someone who was only diagnosed as dyslexic when i went back to college as a mature student, so much of your own school experience rang true of my own too.
This video feels like a deeply raw love letter to books and reading, and the reader in you. I'm not dyslexic (I have dyslexic family members), but I was diagnosed with ADHD only after I finished my PhD (and that came with severe anxiety, severe depression, etc.). I can definitely relate to having to read pages over and over and over again, feeling like I couldn't retain anything sometimes. Being "the smart one" but frequently feeling like an imposter. Getting a PhD really killed my love of reading, because although I loved the topic of my PhD work, and still do, the amount of reading for my dissertation was so overwhelming, and there was no space for personal reading in all of it. This seemed fine at the time, because again, I liked the subject and chose it for a reason. But at the end of it all, once I had my degree, I found that I couldn't just read for fun anymore. I've tried to get back into it, but it's so, so difficult. As a professor and professional academic now, reading just feels like work. It kills me, because I used to be a voracious pleasure reader. I keep having faith that I will get that back, and I do keep trying. But I read so quickly and efficiently now that it's difficult to have the patience to just sink into a book and enjoy a slow read like I used to in the Before Times. I think part of it is just the grind of being an early career academic, and needing entertainment that requires very little brain power. Still, I trust that one day, if I keep working at it, I'll get it back. All of this is to say, so much of your journey is so familiar to me. I'm glad you're sharing it with others and letting people know they aren't alone. So from one scholar to another, I see you, and I support you, and I hope you always find and receive the support you need.
Cinzia, I just wanted to leave you a message letting you know that the first time I watched one of your videos, I genuinely thought you were one of the most intelligent people I'd ever heard. Intelligent, yet welcoming; In academia, that's not common (and why I ultimately stepped away and went into teaching) and it's commendable. To be upset enough about pronunciation to let it overshadow the ease with which you explain detailed and interesting topics is the commenter's issue, and I hope they deal with that. Don't let it detract from how much the rest of your viewers appreciate you! Once, at the end of a 10 minute presentation I'd given without a script in my Masters, a person raised their hand to add nothing other than correcting my pronunciation of a Polish word (I'm Canadian). It blew my mind that these people exist. I'm so sorry it's affected you, especially considering your diagnosis. All we can do is laugh and hope they will one day learn to be more kind. But mostly, I think it's important to remember that 'intelligence' is not 'goodness' - you are much more than the number of books you've read or publications with your name on them. Thank you for the knowledge you share with the world! I wish you all the best with your future reading
This is so close to my heart, as someone with undiagnosed ADHD until a few months ago, I felt all of this feelings. Knowing that I'm a teacher and in academia in that way now seems unbelievable. You're truly one of the most intelligent and powerful people I watch on YT and I hate that you had to go through all of this to find out. I hope that you see the amazing bright future all of us see for you, because you deserve it and you're truly an inspiration for other people like me with something a little different in our brains. The academic world is really not made for people like us, but we persevered and I think that's what's important. For all my neurospicy people, we can do this. Sorry if there're mistakes, English is not my first language
It is unbelievable how much reading SPEED is held up as an indication of intelligence or diligence. I read very slowly and was always embarrassed by how much longer it took me to get through things than my classmates; I screwed up a lot of things rushing through them so I looked "smarter". For years I hated having to admit that I wasn't plowing through books at a rapid rate, so I just didn't read any at all. I didn't end up making it in academia and was eventually diagnosed with ADHD long after i crashed out of my post-grad program. The fact that you DID make it despite infinitely more challenges is absolutely amazing.
Cinzia--I found your channel a couple of days ago. I've been in therapy since 1996 for severe clinical depression (same therapist all this time), but panic attacks, anxiety, severe migraines--all of it long before. I too was bullied relentlessly in primary school and high school for being different, for having an active mind, and I always found solace, strength, and above all--a sense of comradeship (if you take my meaning) within the printed page. The room you sit in looks like many areas of my house--I could never do your commendable "no-buy" year--can't pass up a great book deal. I'm in tears as I write this, since books were my friends as well--they never betray, never hurt you. I've traveled the world in their pages, and experienced the past--my degree is in History--never had a chance to pursue graduate level study. You're one of the most authentic, lovely, heroic human beings I've ever seen. There's no equivocation, no deception, nor fishing for pity in your videos, nor any self-pity whatsoever. When I had my depressive shut-down in 1996, I lost my ability to read and comprehend books--I no longer wanted to be bothered at all--those things which defined the man I was--the building blocks of the life of the mind--took leave of me. I felt abandoned, lost in a murky, monochromatic world which lost its flavor--I stopped talking to people at one point, aside from the routine day-to-day things. Your experiences are unimaginable (I saw the video on your Patreon, where you describe more about your personal experiences in detail--congrats on the "separation" by the way--a huge, courageous step. As you so astutely pointed out there, it's pointless "setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm." Your very wise maxim applies here, and I sensed from your summation--as with all of your "personal" content I've seen thus far--you are putting all of those who've mocked you, taken a perverse pleasure in juvenile insults directed at you to the curb, and with the help of your therapists, and those who do care deeply about you and love you--along with your remarkably resilient spirit (which I must confess, is far more resilient than mine, if the balance sheets are compared next to each other!), are leaving them in the dust! This was a beautiful, heartfelt video, Cinzia. Thanks you so much for standing solidly on your feet, in a time when all too many are content to kneel, crawl, or simply hide in a cave.
It's nice to know I am not the only dyslexic person who developed a fear of reading. I'm scared to pursue a doctorate for this reason. I also struggle with forms for some reason. Anyway, thank you for so much for being open about your struggles, it means the world.
Your amazing. I also have dyslexia and I also have so much anxiety about reading but you inspire me and I love how honest you are about your story. Your wonderful
Very interesting, and very relatable. For most of my life I was an avid reader, both academically and for pleasure. I could get through a typical paperback in an afternoon, and often demolished quite substantial books in one or two sessions. Several years ago I had a very nasty stroke. A right embuggerance it has proved to be, but gradually I became, like the vampire Lestat, something of my old self again. I learned to walk, albeit with a stick, and can care for myself and live independently. But it also seemed to have interesting neurological effects. Friends tell me my personality changed, oddly enough, for the better! I am apparently much kinder, less critical and more empathic. But it also affected my reading. I simply could not concentrate, immersing myself in a book, as I once did so regularly. Reading became a chore rather than a pleasure, and a chore I could not sustain fir more than a few minutes at s time. The phrase you employed, what was it, ‘resentful disinterest’? Very apt, that’s precisely what I felt, not merely with heavy academic tomes, but with authors I used to turn to for light relief, such as Terry Pratchett or Robert Rankin. This was quite distressing; like you I felt part of me was missing. It was also a real handicap, for I had just discovered a new passion. The stroke had more or less put paid to my career as a lecturer. As part of my rehab, I was encouraged to seek voluntary work, and long story short. I ended up working for the Portable Antiquities Scheme and, basically, fell in love with Archaeology. I applied for and was accepted onto a degree course with Oxford University Continuing Education, and although it felt odd to be an undergraduate again at my age, I was very happy, except, of course, I now need to read in earnest. I have found it very challenging. I procrastinate, find excuses, I organise all the book I need and sit surrounded by them as if I can absorb knowledge by some kind of osmosis! I trawl through SOLO and the Bodleian and download papers by the dozen and stare at the title pages fir hours. I’m managing, but what used to a natural act, simply part of who I was, is now a demanding and exhausting task which really takes its toll on me. So, I very much empathise with your story. Thank you for sharing and please continue with your content, which I greatly admire.
As someone with ADHD who loves reading but finds it difficult to do consistently, I feel this. Plus I experienced emotional abuse related to reading & writing - everything you say about abuse makes sense to me. The only thing I would add is that abusers will always find something to use against their targets. So if it wasn't dyslexia, I bet it would have been some other perceived weakness or flaw. I spent a lot of emotional energy as a child try to eliminate my vulnerabilities, and of course I could never really succeed. I love your videos, and this one only makes me admire you more. There's power in embracing your imperfections, so it looks like you're doing the right thing. Best of luck to you!
So much love to you. When my husband was dying, I spent days at his bedside reading. Reading has always been a coping mechanism for me. After he died, I struggled with reading due to guilt. I hope you get the assistance you need.
OMG. I felt every word of that. You've been a bit of a savior yourself. I have Depression and in the last three years, I've lost my ability to write. It felt like every friend in my head had turned their backs on me. It hurts so bad. It's started to come back. Like you, I needed help with my depression. I'm still struggling. But I'm currently working on TWO books, a kids' book, and one for the furry community. I don't have to make money on it. I don't have to win awards or get on any best seller list. I just have to turn back to it. You hang in there. You are NOT stupid. You are a wonderful light in the cesspool darkness of the internet.
I think you're so brilliant no matter what other people say, I'm an INFJ and I know how it feels when other people make fun of you, I suffer bullying many years and also living alone is very difficult. I'm glad that I find your channel you're an inspiration for me, I love books as well. *Please continue, don't listen to toxic people, you matter and we support you and we love you!♡* ❤🌹
Thank you for sharing darling, you are helping so many. I used to be so glued to my books and now I dream about how lovely it would be to read them while staring at them. Sometimes carrying them around but never opening them. There is something in the chasm. This video made me want to look more closely to see what that something is that is keeping me away from the most loving hobby in my life... my beloved books 📚 ❤❤
I know using / viewing our cellphones looking at the apps and the content on them is a huge distraction for many of us who used to read more. I also feel technology is isolating us not to mention there are many other social problems arising from the internet & AI. Please leave a like & reply on this comment if you can relate to these concerns about technology. ✌️❤️
As someone that has a PhD and mild dyslexia, I really resonated with this. My dyslexia went undiagnosed until I spoke to my personal tutor about it in my first year of undergrad. He wrote PROOFREAD!!! in his comments on my essay, but I had spent the whole day proofreading. I had a suspicion that I was dyslexic after my uncle was diagnosed with dyslexia when he went to university. I struggle with pronouncing words, I read slowly, say numbers wrong and have a poor short term memory. I spent a lot of my school years feeling dumb and inadequate but l loved learning and reading even though I wasn’t great at it. Sending you a big hug and know that you are not stupid, your brain just processes words differently. Ironically, people with dyslexia have high IQs!
I have been working through my own trauma around writing actually.. glad to know this type of trauma around reading and writing isn't just me.. sending you all the love in the world.. ❤❤
Actual tears rolling down my face. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, you deserved much better. I have been struggling this year with phd burnout and it affected my concentration so badly that there were times i couldn't read a text message let alone a book. Your experiences are your own but it's nice to know i'm not alone in the "academic but books are not being my friend right now". Books have infinite patience and they will not degrade while you are waiting to be ready to read them. Wishing you all the best for your continued healing in your relationship with books 📚
Let's get better together. I'll be documenting a lot about literature, reading and books in the new year, and I hope they may help you with your journey too
You’re brilliant. This video just demonstrates the devastating result of trauma. That it can rob you of the pleasures in life that are essentially part of your identity. Thank you
I had the same experience, whilst doing my phd, at the age of 44 discovered I was dyslexic. Always had a bad time at school, a levels etc had the same anxiety and fear around reading and writing etc. went undiagnosed until my mid 40s. Now being diagnosed everything that has happened related to studying etc etc all makes sense.
Cinzia, have you ever considered imposter syndrome? I ask because a great deal of what you touched on here feels so incredibly similar others I've encountered both professionally and personal friends of mine. Those feelings of inadequacy, that you aren't a "real" reader, and communicating that you see yourself as a failure or not up to par in a very broad sense all sound near verbatim to the emotions I've seen in those with imposter syndrome. You are obviously a very high level achiever, which is where imposter syndrome shows up almost exclusively. I can promise you that no one just lucks their way into 2 terrific RUclips channels, the highest levels of education, and an incredibly creative field like writing. Those things take immense time, dedication, and most importantly talent. I, as a viewer, am simply in awe of you. How well spoken you are, how thoughtful, your talent for prose, your organization, your ability to actually study, the quality of your videos, not to mention just how stunning and well put together you always appear on camera. Of course I know what is in front of the camera is not necessarily real life, but it is also simply not possible to achieve so much without the correct foundations, knowledge, and skill. I don't suggest this to add to your list of worries, but in hope to impress on you that perhaps there may be more to what you are experiencing because, I assure you, there is no lack of talent, skill, or intelligence from your side or things. Trauma can make us believe some very irrational ideas, especially about ourselves. Hang in there. You'll get through this because you have the resilience to have made it through all of the other horrible things you have mentioned. You are immensely talented, incredibly thoughtful, keenly creative, and an absolute joy to watch and listen to, but don't just believe me because you have 185,000 people here that feel the same way.
"They don't care that I lack the imagination to see the pictures they paint for me". This. I always thought it was just me. I resonate with your experience more than I would like - and, at the same time, I feel immense comfort in knowing that I am not alone in my reading struggles. Thank you (so much!) for this. Let's keep reading together, in our own way, one word at a time.
I know that compliments rarely if ever help in situations like this, but it's still our impulse to shower them anyway; Cinzia you're one of the most wise, humble and capable creators I've ever had the privilege of talking to. The spark of light inside your soul casts through even a thousand miles and a digital display worth of shadow. You are as close to being the perfect version of you as you can be. That's all that actually matters. I'm very glad I opted out of conventional society in my childhood. It's saved me from repeating traumas I couldn't have ever imagined living through twice.
Sending hugs. You are clever, intelligent & have already proving those negative ppl wrong. People with dyslexia always find a work around. You have & you can
❤ thank you for sharing. You speaking up is a good reminder to be careful with our words so we don't (unintentionally) mock or belittle people when their experience is different from our own.
This was so incredibly powerful. Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share this. **long rambling to follow** I'm not a member of your audience, this video came up on my youtube homepage; but I think it came up there for a reason. I too, was mocked for reading slowly, or not well enough, or mispronouncing words. I didn't even learn to read until the age of 7 or 8 years old (a result of being a homeschooled child with undiagnosed ADHD, and a mother caring enough to wait until I was ready), and I hated books for many years after. In my teen years, however, when school got harder and life started to seem bleaker, I understood why people said that books were the things to save them. Books are my favourite things in the world. But I, like you, always feel as if I wasn't enough of a reader, I didn't read enough books in a year, or a month. I felt horrible when I went months without reading anything for pleasure because all of my energy was spent on getting good enough grades to get into my dream university (which I achieved, I study there now.). My winter break starts today, and my plan for the entire thing was to read as many books as possible to "catch up", so I wouldn't have read fewer books this year than last year. That's why I think this video showed up, by chance, on my homepage for a reason. What you said about not listening to the people anymore, but listening to the books, who don't care if you're slow, or the "best" reader. The books care that they are read at all. That's the philosophy I'm bringing into my winter break, and into 2024. I sincerely hope you are able to overcome this. Truly, from the bottom of my heart, I hope, one day, you are able to read without any of those things people said to you floating around in your head. Thank you, once again for your vulnerability in this video.
you are not alone, darling. It's blessing in disguise actually. What many people consider to be a disadvantage you will turn into an advantage. It's a gift, not a curse.
When you get personal it's so genuine. As a side note the things you say I relate to deeply. You are an inspiration. Keep up the amazing work 🎉
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CInzia you are a lovely human being and I am glad I found your channel a while ago (excuse me if my English is lacking but it's not my first language), as you say "Books save lives, so keep reading" .💗
Dear Cinzia, I am so much grateful for this video! I love your videos because you are smart, but you give something of your view and charim in them, and that's the value that keeps me coming back. I feal now more close to you because I was bulied in school, I was abandoned by peers, was fat and being booked for it. But books keep me alive, love of literature keep me going and still is. Books didn't cared because I was fat, they loved me even I was fat and alone. Books never called me fat, they only loved me. Thank you for excist.
I love watching your content because i can relate to you so much, i love reading, but i have a speech impediment that makes reading out loud a struggle, it helps knowing that I'm not alone when i stumble through a word or two. Thank you for continuing to read a loud, it's very comforting
Just saw your latest video. I had no idea the struggles you have endured. My partner is a classics nut and wanted a degree in Greek and Latin, but her school dropped her scholarship to fund the tennis team. She is in awe of your knowledge and deportment. I too am so impressed with your skills, I would have never guessed at your struggles. You have triumphed over the challenges life has placed in your way. And by sharing them you inspire all of us to enjoy your channel. Best wishes.
thank you for opening up about this. People can be so so cruel. It is clear that you have worked incredibly hard to get where you are. You deserve credit for not only going further in your education than most people but doing that with an undiagnosed learning disability. That is incredibly difficult. You should be proud of yourself and even if you arent Im proud of you.
My heart! I always really struggled with reading. I assumed I was a terrible reader when really, I was just slow at it and got nervous when reading aloud, making my speech impediment worse. I ended up getting a degree in English, but not after setting my personality to lovable ditz. I'm so heartbroken for you and your younger self. I love your work and wish you a deep and lasting recovery!
Books have been my only friends and my lifeline in so many stages of my life, and now I struggle to read even a few books a year. So when I say I hear your struggle and I feel your pain, I mean it. Crying as I sit here. I’m so, so sorry for everything you’ve been through.
I’m so sorry people are being terrible. We love your videos, they’re very informative, interesting and we’ve learned a lot from you. You’re absolutely not a disappointment. Thank you for feeling brave enough to be this vulnerable in front of us. Please be gentle with yourself
Holy mother of god, I am so sorry to hear all that happened to you and hope that I never accidentally fed into any of the bad conditions (if I did, please remember to turn on caps lock before yelling at me). I will be here for all the coming parts and listen with great interest. If it's any consolation to you: I'm part of the working class (fixing cars all day) and mostly because of you started reading books in my free time - thank you for that and thank you for your honesty.
My heart is with you, Cinzia. I am going through a shadow work journey, myself and I know how difficult it can be to share that with others. I am so proud of you! And I will personally fight anyone who gives you a hard time. 🖤😊
Is hard for me to understand that since I love reading from a young age. Of course I enjoy more readibg for pleasure that to study but this never happenned to me. How you must have felt that all your stress and anxiety manifested this way, keeping you away from the things you love the most. Hope you are better every day Lady. Thanks for the video😊.
Thank you so much for sharing your story Cinzia! I am doing a PhD and recently started therapy, which was probably the best decision ever. I couldn't work on my thesis for 2 years because I associated it with my mother dying and father getting ill. I also recognize your insecurity around intellect so much...
Thank you so much for sharing about this. When I first developed an anxiety disorder, many years ago, it sort of infiltrated into some unexpected areas of my life. For example I couldn't listen to certain music without it triggering a panic attack, I couldn't read or watch films I'd previously enjoyed or eat certain foods. Things are much better now thanks to time, patience, therapy, meds and big life changes, but having an illness take away things that previously bought so much comfort is an awful thing to go through. I'm so glad you have support and again, thank you for being so honest and brave in sharing about this!
Thank you for being so honest about your mental health challenges. I have slow processing speed and need to read slowly, so I can relate to being called stupid during childhood. I'm so glad you are getting the help you need. Your channel is lovely and you are enough, and I truly believe your love of books will bring joy into your life again.
It's so heartbreaking to hear that you're fighting in order to be able to enjoy what you used to love... thank you for sharing this with us.. I'm gonna be honest, when I heard you talking about vomiting from anxiety I stopped the video and screamed "I'm not alone! We can do it, sis!"... I faced a similar anxiety problem in the past years, in my case it was anxiety towards my university studies, not reading in general, but still it broke me: every time I tried approach studying I ended up crying and vomiting and obsessively napping in order to avoid facing the problem... But one thing (I remember clearly) that helped me going through that fight against myself were your videos. Watching your videos, hearing your voice, having the opportunity to learn more about topics I always loved but never studied helped me remember that I love knowledge, that I'm curious and I want to learn more, that even if sometimes I struggle, my brain is still able of learning new things or remember the ones that I though I've forgotten. Your motto "books saves lives so keep reading" spurred me into keeping going on, and now I can say I completed my accademic career the way I wanted and now I can say I left all that crying and vomiting behind my back... Your presence on this platform helped me a lot, and I hope to be able to give back some encouragement to you with this comment❤ I don't understand why someone should come in your comment section and critizise you for the spelling or the reading, you've been an inspiration to me, one lighthouse of academic knowledge in a platform full of superficial or misleading content. I hope the best for you and your inner battles, I believe you can win this fight💪
I'm 44 and I've known that I was dyslexic for probably 31 years . I've never been able to read fast enough to enjoy. Even though I can read at college level if give time. I want to say thank you for sharing your story. To say that you wouldn't do anything in academia you're working on a PhD which most people never achieve. Give yourself some credit. Know that your critics don't matter. hope this helps you as much as you've helped me with this video. Sincerely with all the ❤
You are so brave for sharing your trauma and expetiences with us. Thank you for opening up, I feel for you. Please know that your audience values your work and expertise, you are seen and appreciated for who you are (whom you've shown us at the very least). So proud of you, know you're not alone in tout struggles.
Dear Cinzia, I am very grateful for your video. What I have learned through my own similar struggle is that for me it's best to play to my own strenghts: I read very slow, often so slow that I lose my attention. But I am good listener, so audiobooks work wonders for me. I also want to say that I admire you very much because having english as the language you first learn to read and write in and having dyslexia must be very, very hard. For me I just had to learn to read in two very phonetic languages (german has its good sides 😊) but I still remember 30 years after how I was mortified of having to read out loud in school or, if I was on a trip, of seeing a billboard (because I knew that all the other kids could read it but not me). It is very good to hear that at least in the USA dyslexia and other reading problems are handled appropriately in school. In my school time in Eastern Europe in the 90s one would be mocked for not beeing a good reader by most of the teachers who would think and say that one was lazy. And I think this is the attitude that most of my peers have today. Honestly I wouldn't open myself up even today towards my schoolfriends, that is how ingrained the idea of beeing lazy if I don't read good enough is in my own head. Again Cinzia, thank you very much for this video. You have started a very important conversation in the BookTube world.
Thank you for sharing. You are an inspiration. I'm sorry that you haven't been told this enough, but you are wonderful, and we all have different gifts in this world. I take ages to read and was diagnosed with dyslexia when I was young. There is nothing wrong with us. We are different from others and that is a strength. As I tell my special needs children, you are differently gifted, and it is wonderful. Again I sorry you haven't been told enough. You are perfect as you are, and I love your gift of storytelling it's wonderful
This video left me absolutely gutted. I have only been following your channel for a few months and I always just assumed you were an academic who wanted us to read more. I'm so sorry for everything bad that's happened to you. I wanted so badly just to give you a hug and tell you everything will be alright. I'm so glad you're trying to find your love of reading again.
Thank you so much for sharing. I’ve also lost my affinity for reading, I don’t read like I used to, though mine is more attention deficit related. We hear your struggles and we relate. Keep fighting, we’re with you 💜💜💜
Thank you so much for telling this story. As someone who also realized only after years of academic burn out that i might have adhd, it hits close to home and makes me feel less alone. Books will always be there for us... and hopefully we (the communtity) can always be there for each other
I have had the same thing happen with my passions in creativity and writing as a lot of that comes from a real place in my life mostly traumatic experiences. A lot of that went into writing because there wasn’t any other outlet I could think of. I’ve had a lot of traumatic experiences such as being a survivor of an abusive relationship, no father, bullying, 12 surgeries, a brain injury that left me permanently disabled, NICU (ICU for newborns), flatlining, the list goes on. I would often struggle not only dealing with those throughout life but putting them into the things I create due to judgment purely because I’m a male and well men don’t talk a lot about those things. I would often lock myself into a room and the thought of writing any of that down or creating content with it and putting it out there made my stomach churn. Eventually, I did it. The Outlaw family, Skylar, Luna, Bryan (me), Jason, & Jac gave me a different avenue of sharing those stories in the way I wanted to. Where I had control. It was me but wasn’t me at the same time because most people didn’t know those stories were real unless I said something about them.
WOW!!! You are so incredibly brave and resilient!!! I am blown away by your story and courage. I deeply relate to your story, I am also neurodivergent and have struggled with reading my whole life. I was called “stupid” and was bullied for being at a lower reading level as a kid. I find it so amazing that despite your specific trauma and struggles with reading, you have chosen a vocation that deeply relates to it. That takes REAL guts and determination. Many people would have given up with that situation. You believed in yourself, your gift, and passion. That is so freaking beautiful and unique!! ❤❤❤
Thank you for sharing that with us! As someone with ADHD who often has to reread pages and has problems with comprehension this was so moving and I hope you continue to do what makes you most happy.
Wow, how incredibly painful this must be, yet here you are every day showing up and literally doing your best. Keep being amazing. Thank You for being so vulnerable, kind and authentically you.
Oh Hunney 😮😢❤❤❤ this is horrible. I am so sorry you are going through this. You are such an inspiration, you have no idea how many people you touch. Hugs!!!! From Los Angeles!!! You have all our support!!!
Thank you for being so brave and talking about this. Its so difficult to be open about the long term effects of trauma abuse and illness and phobias. I have had a hard time admitting my own. I too lost the ability to read, both words and sheet music. It was from a neurological disease, neuroimmuniological to be precise. The lines would dance and I wasn't strong enough to focus on the page or even hold up books or play instruments. I had bad spelling but suddenly id be writing the same words two or three times mixing up letter direction and order. I switched to audio books and that kept me going at my lowest moments, closest to death. I only got reading back a few years ago with some new treatments and a kindle. I do still suffer from dyslexic symptoms so the Kindle really gave reading back toKindle the most with the dyslexic font option and the increase in letter size. Best of luck in your journey to healing and wellbeing. Thank you for making your videos.
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your story. A lot of us have struggles that the rest of the world can't easily see. I know a stranger on the internet can't make too much of a difference, but allow me to say this: I've watched plenty of your videos. The way you speak on subjects and present the material never ceases to impress. Your intellect is obvious. Regardless of your difficulties with reading, you are anything but thick.
You are smart, kind, passionate and worthy. I love your videos ! And I truly hope you can live comfortably with us and your sponsorships. You deserve to make a living from what you enjoy doing. I work with disabled children (they might be autistic, have adhd, be dyslexic, deaf, etc). I love them all with all my heart. They're like younger siblings to me. In July, I got diagnosed with autism at the age of 26. Like you I was bullied for who I was without knowing why. I wish I could give you a hug.
I can't think of any words that won't sound trite but I do want to say thank you for your trust. I can hear how difficult it was for you to be so vulnerable. Please be gentle with yourself ❤
Thank you for sharing this. I struggle with reading due to trauma as well and have/had a lot of the exact same feelings that you discuss in this video. I always thought no one else dealt with it. Again thank you for sharing
Thank you for telling your story and being vulnerable. You are not defined by how someone else treats you. You get to decide how you feel about yourself and your growth and your power. You’re doing the work to heal. You are well and whole. I’m sending so much love and appreciation to you 💛
Thank you Cinzia, I used to love books too and still do. They were my escape from horrible circumstances. C.S. Lewis' "The Chronicles of Narnia" and J.R.R. Tolkien's writings about Middle Earth alongside Mary Norton's "The Borrowers" helped to keep me going as a kid and to survive religious trauma. I didn't do well in school, although I did get my degree, and I struggle with the feelings that you describe everyday, especially the part where you stated that you feel like a disappointment. It's hard. Thank you for being vulnerable and authentic. I know that it must have taken a ton of courage . Warm regards and best wishes. David
"Books save lives, so keep reading." Hits a lot deeper now. Congratulations, you're a marvel.
You are enough. You are the Lady of the Library damn it.
And a great story teller, too! :)
Yes 💙
Yesss❤❤❤
*Here's to Cinzia's determination and being a wonderful channel*
Here! Here!
That was GUTTING. As a lifelong reader, who has also struggled with anxiety and panic disorder, this sounds like my worst nightmare. I can’t imagine what this must be like. You’re very brave to talk about it. Cheers!
I'm glad to hear you've been finding your way back to something you clearly love so much. Thank you for all your work and dedication to knowledge and culture, and thank you so much for being so brave and open about this. Books not only save lives, books are the path to a better future. We should all aim to be more like books, without judgment, without bias, and ready to comfort those in need.
Take care, Cinzia, and thank you again.
Thank you so much!
Your experience of abuse as a dyslexic person is similar to my own experience as an ADHD/Autistic person. I have some idea of what you're going through and I 100% support you. Good luck with your therapy and healing.
I had a similar thought, we are so abused as undiagnosed children. I deeply grieved the childhood I could have had for months after my diagnosis. I was 34 at the time and when I told my mom, she replied with "ADHD isn't real". I have since gone NC.
I used to read like crazy, but i just cannot pick a book up like i used to. I recently started with audiobooks and it seems to be working but i miss reading. Im gunna be honest see this video this morning has given me some hope that im not losing my mind. Thank you for talking about this, i knew i was afraid of reading but i thought it had to do with not wanting something to end. Thank you so much.
I had the same problem and I couldnt understand why but then it turned out i have adhd and that its really common that people with adhd read a lot when younger but not when they are adults and I just couldnt get myself to concentrate, even tho I really wanted to read but i never got far, but after knowing why it happened, and I watched a ton of videos on books, i started reading again with really easy to read YA and now ive been reading a lot the past few months and im so happy abodut it! it might just be a hyperfixation atm, but I'm just going with it
Give yourself time, i stopped reading for years thanks t odepression, adhd and burnout. There will be a time and a book that will bring you back to it.
For me it helped to spend time in librarys and bookshops, browsing books, reading their back, just getting involved with them again
@@nodoubtmisa this resonates so much. “Reader” was a core part of my personality as a child and teen and now I find it so hard to concentrate and finish a book. I’ve long suspected I have adhd and my goal for 2024 is to finally shift my backside to get a formal assessment.
@thistley_42 good luck with that, it can be quite the journey but it's worth it in the end to understand yourself better ❤️
I was making all kinds of excuses for not reading and then I discovered I'm simply very lazy
Books do save lives. I'm so glad you had books during those difficult times in your life. 📚❤️
Thank You for beeing open and vulnerable about Your mental health! I do sincerely appreciate it! Only those who are vulnerable become strong!❤️🎄❤️ You,’re a hero!❤
Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, The Secrets of Nicholas Flammel, The Inheritance Cycle were all books my mother and I read together for 19 years. Then she was diagnosed with cancer and died in 2019. We were rereading Harry Potter up until she passed. We were reading book 📖 four Goblet of Fire. I can’t bear to read any of these books 📚 I love ❤ for fear of breaking down and crying 😢 I waste my free time, which actually is abundant as I’m unmarried and live alone, on social media. Thank you Cinzia for opening up and discussing your struggle. You’re not alone.
I’m sorry to hear all this, people can be so horrible.
I’m glad you’re coming to know yourself better. I have an acquired brain injury so I relate to some of your experiences, I used to write all the time but now my brain just won’t do the thing.. it properly sucks when something you love also causes you difficulty and discomfort.
Sending you so much love x
Cinzia, as someone with ADHD, thank you for sharing your story. I actually went through a very similar hell. People made fun of me for not being able to read, and would get upset/make fun of me for not being able to read. I'm only a few years older than you, but I stopped reading for a while after college. It took me years to get back into it. In the end, it was Goodreads challenge that helped me remember that I loved reading. I don't know if I would recommend that for you, but just know, you're not alone. I've even been fighting an art slump since 2018 and I'm only just starting to heal from that and remembering why I love drawing. It takes time, but you can heal. I wish you the best in your journey.
I understand what you're going through. Mine had the politeness to wait after my studies, I was not able to read in any capacity "clever" books from 2016 to actually last month, after years of work on me, and getting me out of the darkest places.
I was still able to read romance and the like, I would say I was even binging them to numb me to life, it took me also years so stopping using reading romance as a dissociative tool.
I wish that you will get through it soon darling, and all the surrounding issues associated with it. I could feel through the screen how much it affects you. I hope you're getting the hugs and hot chocolates you deserve, sending you virtual love and hugs
Thank you so much. I'm dyslexic and desperately want to be an academic. I am halfway through my bachelor's degree at 18. All of my teachers have always told me I can't do it and I should stop. Thank you for showing me that my dyslexia does not mean I can't get my degree. I'm so proud if you.
Go for it. You CAN do it.
Please get in touch with your SEN/student services dept for support and accommodations. I used to mentor students with dyslexia, autism and Adhd in a college and I loved it. You don't lack intelligence (you may well be above average intelligence) but you might benefit from a few accommodations and some support. There's loads of great things out there to make learning accessible to different types of brains. Our college had an excellent dyslexia specialist tutor. I wish you lots of success, you can do it!
Doooo eet! ❤
I to have a fear of reading, as I have worked hard to over come it. It is good to know that I am not alone in this. Thank you.
Oh dear sweet Cinzia. Girl, I feel like we are kindred spirits or soul family and I want to fly my ass from the USA to Scotland, come find you, and just hug you so tight. We all love you so much here and we all appreciate your openness and willingness to share and be so raw with us. We love you!! I know it’s easier said than done, but f what others think and say…. You have a community that loves and supports you!!
SUCH a poignant video-my 💛 goes out to you Cinzia and I’m rooting for you; even though it’s a part of of how we navigate the world we are so much more than the abuse we’ve suffered and the taunts we’ve endured
I’m in much admiration of your bravery, vulnerability, and tenacity 📚
I understand , I also use to read everything I could get my hands on. I still love buying, looking and watching others review books but I just can't read them. I couldn't figure out why. "Books do save lives, so keep reading". You have given me hope that I'm not crazy. At least mine had the courtesy to wait till I was in my 40s but got worse as I got older. I stopped reading completely 2019ish, an haven't read any books. Cinzia you are an awesome, intelligent and brave human being. Don't ever let anyone tell you any different.
Have you tried to read books in simple language? I know at least in germany there are normal books published in simpler words for people struggling to read, no matter if its due to dyslexia or because theire not fluent in german or whatever.
First and foremost, I'm so sorry to hear all the huge extent of troubles and traumas you've been through. I don't want to take away from everything you've survived, but your story sounds very similar to mine. I understand everything you've talked about in this video, and I hear you and support you, and even though we've never met, I want you to know that you have a friend in me. Secondly, I want to thank you for being so raw and open with your story. I thought I was alone in my similar struggles. And although I wouldn't wish anyone to go through this, it's comforting to know I'm not alone.
Keep fighting 💪 you're a survivor!🤍
Thank you for such a kind and thoughtful comment. It makes me feel less alone too x
The sheer amount of people who seem intent on putting others down instead of lifting them up - it’ll never cease to amaze me. I just don’t see the point, there’s plenty of space for all of us. Happy you got back into reading because otherwise this channel wouldn’t have existed, and I’ve been really enjoying the stuff you put out! Please keep reading!
Thank you for this. As someone who was only diagnosed as dyslexic when i went back to college as a mature student, so much of your own school experience rang true of my own too.
This video feels like a deeply raw love letter to books and reading, and the reader in you. I'm not dyslexic (I have dyslexic family members), but I was diagnosed with ADHD only after I finished my PhD (and that came with severe anxiety, severe depression, etc.). I can definitely relate to having to read pages over and over and over again, feeling like I couldn't retain anything sometimes. Being "the smart one" but frequently feeling like an imposter. Getting a PhD really killed my love of reading, because although I loved the topic of my PhD work, and still do, the amount of reading for my dissertation was so overwhelming, and there was no space for personal reading in all of it. This seemed fine at the time, because again, I liked the subject and chose it for a reason. But at the end of it all, once I had my degree, I found that I couldn't just read for fun anymore. I've tried to get back into it, but it's so, so difficult. As a professor and professional academic now, reading just feels like work. It kills me, because I used to be a voracious pleasure reader. I keep having faith that I will get that back, and I do keep trying. But I read so quickly and efficiently now that it's difficult to have the patience to just sink into a book and enjoy a slow read like I used to in the Before Times. I think part of it is just the grind of being an early career academic, and needing entertainment that requires very little brain power. Still, I trust that one day, if I keep working at it, I'll get it back.
All of this is to say, so much of your journey is so familiar to me. I'm glad you're sharing it with others and letting people know they aren't alone. So from one scholar to another, I see you, and I support you, and I hope you always find and receive the support you need.
Cinzia, I just wanted to leave you a message letting you know that the first time I watched one of your videos, I genuinely thought you were one of the most intelligent people I'd ever heard. Intelligent, yet welcoming; In academia, that's not common (and why I ultimately stepped away and went into teaching) and it's commendable.
To be upset enough about pronunciation to let it overshadow the ease with which you explain detailed and interesting topics is the commenter's issue, and I hope they deal with that. Don't let it detract from how much the rest of your viewers appreciate you! Once, at the end of a 10 minute presentation I'd given without a script in my Masters, a person raised their hand to add nothing other than correcting my pronunciation of a Polish word (I'm Canadian). It blew my mind that these people exist. I'm so sorry it's affected you, especially considering your diagnosis. All we can do is laugh and hope they will one day learn to be more kind.
But mostly, I think it's important to remember that 'intelligence' is not 'goodness' - you are much more than the number of books you've read or publications with your name on them.
Thank you for the knowledge you share with the world! I wish you all the best with your future reading
Our Lady has returned!
So many literature essays and book discussion videos to come in 2024 and beyond
Yay! 🥰@@CinziaDuBois
This is so close to my heart, as someone with undiagnosed ADHD until a few months ago, I felt all of this feelings. Knowing that I'm a teacher and in academia in that way now seems unbelievable.
You're truly one of the most intelligent and powerful people I watch on YT and I hate that you had to go through all of this to find out.
I hope that you see the amazing bright future all of us see for you, because you deserve it and you're truly an inspiration for other people like me with something a little different in our brains. The academic world is really not made for people like us, but we persevered and I think that's what's important.
For all my neurospicy people, we can do this.
Sorry if there're mistakes, English is not my first language
I just want to hug you and tell you that you are good enough, a wonderful and beautiful person.
You have become one of my favourite. I am proud of you. I don’t think I can finish this video without crying
It is unbelievable how much reading SPEED is held up as an indication of intelligence or diligence. I read very slowly and was always embarrassed by how much longer it took me to get through things than my classmates; I screwed up a lot of things rushing through them so I looked "smarter". For years I hated having to admit that I wasn't plowing through books at a rapid rate, so I just didn't read any at all.
I didn't end up making it in academia and was eventually diagnosed with ADHD long after i crashed out of my post-grad program. The fact that you DID make it despite infinitely more challenges is absolutely amazing.
You're very brave love your channel i hope you continue to heal and know that we are pulling for you!
Cinzia--I found your channel a couple of days ago. I've been in therapy since 1996 for severe clinical depression (same therapist all this time), but panic attacks, anxiety, severe migraines--all of it long before. I too was bullied relentlessly in primary school and high school for being different, for having an active mind, and I always found solace, strength, and above all--a sense of comradeship (if you take my meaning) within the printed page. The room you sit in looks like many areas of my house--I could never do your commendable "no-buy" year--can't pass up a great book deal. I'm in tears as I write this, since books were my friends as well--they never betray, never hurt you. I've traveled the world in their pages, and experienced the past--my degree is in History--never had a chance to pursue graduate level study. You're one of the most authentic, lovely, heroic human beings I've ever seen. There's no equivocation, no deception, nor fishing for pity in your videos, nor any self-pity whatsoever. When I had my depressive shut-down in 1996, I lost my ability to read and comprehend books--I no longer wanted to be bothered at all--those things which defined the man I was--the building blocks of the life of the mind--took leave of me. I felt abandoned, lost in a murky, monochromatic world which lost its flavor--I stopped talking to people at one point, aside from the routine day-to-day things. Your experiences are unimaginable (I saw the video on your Patreon, where you describe more about your personal experiences in detail--congrats on the "separation" by the way--a huge, courageous step. As you so astutely pointed out there, it's pointless "setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm." Your very wise maxim applies here, and I sensed from your summation--as with all of your "personal" content I've seen thus far--you are putting all of those who've mocked you, taken a perverse pleasure in juvenile insults directed at you to the curb, and with the help of your therapists, and those who do care deeply about you and love you--along with your remarkably resilient spirit (which I must confess, is far more resilient than mine, if the balance sheets are compared next to each other!), are leaving them in the dust! This was a beautiful, heartfelt video, Cinzia. Thanks you so much for standing solidly on your feet, in a time when all too many are content to kneel, crawl, or simply hide in a cave.
It's nice to know I am not the only dyslexic person who developed a fear of reading. I'm scared to pursue a doctorate for this reason. I also struggle with forms for some reason. Anyway, thank you for so much for being open about your struggles, it means the world.
Sending encouragement and support.
I struggle with forms too, you’re def not alone in that struggle!
Your amazing. I also have dyslexia and I also have so much anxiety about reading but you inspire me and I love how honest you are about your story. Your wonderful
Very interesting, and very relatable. For most of my life I was an avid reader, both academically and for pleasure. I could get through a typical paperback in an afternoon, and often demolished quite substantial books in one or two sessions.
Several years ago I had a very nasty stroke. A right embuggerance it has proved to be, but gradually I became, like the vampire Lestat, something of my old self again. I learned to walk, albeit with a stick, and can care for myself and live independently. But it also seemed to have interesting neurological effects. Friends tell me my personality changed, oddly enough, for the better! I am apparently much kinder, less critical and more empathic. But it also affected my reading. I simply could not concentrate, immersing myself in a book, as I once did so regularly. Reading became a chore rather than a pleasure, and a chore I could not sustain fir more than a few minutes at s time. The phrase you employed, what was it, ‘resentful disinterest’? Very apt, that’s precisely what I felt, not merely with heavy academic tomes, but with authors I used to turn to for light relief, such as Terry Pratchett or Robert Rankin.
This was quite distressing; like you I felt part of me was missing. It was also a real handicap, for I had just discovered a new passion. The stroke had more or less put paid to my career as a lecturer. As part of my rehab, I was encouraged to seek voluntary work, and long story short. I ended up working for the Portable Antiquities Scheme and, basically, fell in love with Archaeology. I applied for and was accepted onto a degree course with Oxford University Continuing Education, and although it felt odd to be an undergraduate again at my age, I was very happy, except, of course, I now need to read in earnest. I have found it very challenging. I procrastinate, find excuses, I organise all the book I need and sit surrounded by them as if I can absorb knowledge by some kind of osmosis! I trawl through SOLO and the Bodleian and download papers by the dozen and stare at the title pages fir hours.
I’m managing, but what used to a natural act, simply part of who I was, is now a demanding and exhausting task which really takes its toll on me.
So, I very much empathise with your story. Thank you for sharing and please continue with your content, which I greatly admire.
Thank you for sharing your story too; congratulations on how far you've come
As someone with ADHD who loves reading but finds it difficult to do consistently, I feel this. Plus I experienced emotional abuse related to reading & writing - everything you say about abuse makes sense to me. The only thing I would add is that abusers will always find something to use against their targets. So if it wasn't dyslexia, I bet it would have been some other perceived weakness or flaw. I spent a lot of emotional energy as a child try to eliminate my vulnerabilities, and of course I could never really succeed.
I love your videos, and this one only makes me admire you more. There's power in embracing your imperfections, so it looks like you're doing the right thing. Best of luck to you!
All love and respect to you...please continue to kindle your spirit the world needs your light... I need your light
So much love to you. When my husband was dying, I spent days at his bedside reading. Reading has always been a coping mechanism for me. After he died, I struggled with reading due to guilt. I hope you get the assistance you need.
Thank you so so much Cinzia!
OMG. I felt every word of that. You've been a bit of a savior yourself. I have Depression and in the last three years, I've lost my ability to write. It felt like every friend in my head had turned their backs on me. It hurts so bad. It's started to come back. Like you, I needed help with my depression. I'm still struggling. But I'm currently working on TWO books, a kids' book, and one for the furry community. I don't have to make money on it. I don't have to win awards or get on any best seller list. I just have to turn back to it. You hang in there. You are NOT stupid. You are a wonderful light in the cesspool darkness of the internet.
I think you're so brilliant no matter what other people say, I'm an INFJ and I know how it feels when other people make fun of you, I suffer bullying many years and also living alone is very difficult. I'm glad that I find your channel you're an inspiration for me, I love books as well. *Please continue, don't listen to toxic people, you matter and we support you and we love you!♡* ❤🌹
Books are still here for you!
Thank you for sharing darling, you are helping so many. I used to be so glued to my books and now I dream about how lovely it would be to read them while staring at them. Sometimes carrying them around but never opening them. There is something in the chasm. This video made me want to look more closely to see what that something is that is keeping me away from the most loving hobby in my life... my beloved books 📚 ❤❤
I know using / viewing our cellphones looking at the apps and the content on them is a huge distraction for many of us who used to read more. I also feel technology is isolating us not to mention there are many other social problems arising from the internet & AI. Please leave a like & reply on this comment if you can relate to these concerns about technology. ✌️❤️
As someone that has a PhD and mild dyslexia, I really resonated with this. My dyslexia went undiagnosed until I spoke to my personal tutor about it in my first year of undergrad. He wrote PROOFREAD!!! in his comments on my essay, but I had spent the whole day proofreading. I had a suspicion that I was dyslexic after my uncle was diagnosed with dyslexia when he went to university. I struggle with pronouncing words, I read slowly, say numbers wrong and have a poor short term memory. I spent a lot of my school years feeling dumb and inadequate but l loved learning and reading even though I wasn’t great at it. Sending you a big hug and know that you are not stupid, your brain just processes words differently. Ironically, people with dyslexia have high IQs!
I have been working through my own trauma around writing actually.. glad to know this type of trauma around reading and writing isn't just me.. sending you all the love in the world.. ❤❤
same omg 😳 I edit and proofread for people. I want to write my own books but I have trauma associated with it. Sending love to you…and to Cinzia! ❤️
Actual tears rolling down my face. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, you deserved much better.
I have been struggling this year with phd burnout and it affected my concentration so badly that there were times i couldn't read a text message let alone a book. Your experiences are your own but it's nice to know i'm not alone in the "academic but books are not being my friend right now".
Books have infinite patience and they will not degrade while you are waiting to be ready to read them. Wishing you all the best for your continued healing in your relationship with books 📚
All the best to you!
Let's get better together. I'll be documenting a lot about literature, reading and books in the new year, and I hope they may help you with your journey too
You’re brilliant. This video just demonstrates the devastating result of trauma. That it can rob you of the pleasures in life that are essentially part of your identity. Thank you
I had the same experience, whilst doing my phd, at the age of 44 discovered I was dyslexic. Always had a bad time at school, a levels etc had the same anxiety and fear around reading and writing etc. went undiagnosed until my mid 40s. Now being diagnosed everything that has happened related to studying etc etc all makes sense.
Cinzia, have you ever considered imposter syndrome? I ask because a great deal of what you touched on here feels so incredibly similar others I've encountered both professionally and personal friends of mine. Those feelings of inadequacy, that you aren't a "real" reader, and communicating that you see yourself as a failure or not up to par in a very broad sense all sound near verbatim to the emotions I've seen in those with imposter syndrome.
You are obviously a very high level achiever, which is where imposter syndrome shows up almost exclusively. I can promise you that no one just lucks their way into 2 terrific RUclips channels, the highest levels of education, and an incredibly creative field like writing. Those things take immense time, dedication, and most importantly talent.
I, as a viewer, am simply in awe of you. How well spoken you are, how thoughtful, your talent for prose, your organization, your ability to actually study, the quality of your videos, not to mention just how stunning and well put together you always appear on camera. Of course I know what is in front of the camera is not necessarily real life, but it is also simply not possible to achieve so much without the correct foundations, knowledge, and skill.
I don't suggest this to add to your list of worries, but in hope to impress on you that perhaps there may be more to what you are experiencing because, I assure you, there is no lack of talent, skill, or intelligence from your side or things. Trauma can make us believe some very irrational ideas, especially about ourselves. Hang in there. You'll get through this because you have the resilience to have made it through all of the other horrible things you have mentioned.
You are immensely talented, incredibly thoughtful, keenly creative, and an absolute joy to watch and listen to, but don't just believe me because you have 185,000 people here that feel the same way.
This is heartbreaking. I don’t really know what to say. I wish you nothing but the best.
I'm so glad that you have peers who care about you and offer support with things like proof reading. That is incredibly sweet. :)
"They don't care that I lack the imagination to see the pictures they paint for me". This. I always thought it was just me.
I resonate with your experience more than I would like - and, at the same time, I feel immense comfort in knowing that I am not alone in my reading struggles.
Thank you (so much!) for this. Let's keep reading together, in our own way, one word at a time.
I know that compliments rarely if ever help in situations like this, but it's still our impulse to shower them anyway;
Cinzia you're one of the most wise, humble and capable creators I've ever had the privilege of talking to.
The spark of light inside your soul casts through even a thousand miles and a digital display worth of shadow.
You are as close to being the perfect version of you as you can be. That's all that actually matters.
I'm very glad I opted out of conventional society in my childhood. It's saved me from repeating traumas I couldn't have ever imagined living through twice.
Sending hugs. You are clever, intelligent & have already proving those negative ppl wrong.
People with dyslexia always find a work around. You have & you can
❤ thank you for sharing. You speaking up is a good reminder to be careful with our words so we don't (unintentionally) mock or belittle people when their experience is different from our own.
This was so incredibly powerful. Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share this. **long rambling to follow**
I'm not a member of your audience, this video came up on my youtube homepage; but I think it came up there for a reason. I too, was mocked for reading slowly, or not well enough, or mispronouncing words. I didn't even learn to read until the age of 7 or 8 years old (a result of being a homeschooled child with undiagnosed ADHD, and a mother caring enough to wait until I was ready), and I hated books for many years after. In my teen years, however, when school got harder and life started to seem bleaker, I understood why people said that books were the things to save them. Books are my favourite things in the world. But I, like you, always feel as if I wasn't enough of a reader, I didn't read enough books in a year, or a month. I felt horrible when I went months without reading anything for pleasure because all of my energy was spent on getting good enough grades to get into my dream university (which I achieved, I study there now.).
My winter break starts today, and my plan for the entire thing was to read as many books as possible to "catch up", so I wouldn't have read fewer books this year than last year. That's why I think this video showed up, by chance, on my homepage for a reason. What you said about not listening to the people anymore, but listening to the books, who don't care if you're slow, or the "best" reader. The books care that they are read at all. That's the philosophy I'm bringing into my winter break, and into 2024.
I sincerely hope you are able to overcome this. Truly, from the bottom of my heart, I hope, one day, you are able to read without any of those things people said to you floating around in your head. Thank you, once again for your vulnerability in this video.
you are not alone, darling. It's blessing in disguise actually. What many people consider to be a disadvantage you will turn into an advantage. It's a gift, not a curse.
When you get personal it's so genuine. As a side note the things you say I relate to deeply. You are an inspiration. Keep up the amazing work 🎉
CInzia you are a lovely human being and I am glad I found your channel a while ago (excuse me if my English is lacking but it's not my first language), as you say "Books save lives, so keep reading" .💗
Dear Cinzia, I am so much grateful for this video! I love your videos because you are smart, but you give something of your view and charim in them, and that's the value that keeps me coming back. I feal now more close to you because I was bulied in school, I was abandoned by peers, was fat and being booked for it. But books keep me alive, love of literature keep me going and still is. Books didn't cared because I was fat, they loved me even I was fat and alone. Books never called me fat, they only loved me. Thank you for excist.
I love watching your content because i can relate to you so much, i love reading, but i have a speech impediment that makes reading out loud a struggle, it helps knowing that I'm not alone when i stumble through a word or two. Thank you for continuing to read a loud, it's very comforting
Just saw your latest video. I had no idea the struggles you have endured. My partner is a classics nut and wanted a degree in Greek and Latin, but her school dropped her scholarship to fund the tennis team. She is in awe of your knowledge and deportment. I too am so impressed with your skills, I would have never guessed at your struggles. You have triumphed over the challenges life has placed in your way. And by sharing them you inspire all of us to enjoy your channel. Best wishes.
To say that you’re strength in speaking out abot this is humbling and inspirational would be an understatement
thank you for opening up about this. People can be so so cruel. It is clear that you have worked incredibly hard to get where you are. You deserve credit for not only going further in your education than most people but doing that with an undiagnosed learning disability. That is incredibly difficult. You should be proud of yourself and even if you arent Im proud of you.
You were the first person to get me hooked on ancient history. That is a monumental accomplishment. Thank you for being the Lady of the Library.
My heart! I always really struggled with reading. I assumed I was a terrible reader when really, I was just slow at it and got nervous when reading aloud, making my speech impediment worse.
I ended up getting a degree in English, but not after setting my personality to lovable ditz.
I'm so heartbroken for you and your younger self. I love your work and wish you a deep and lasting recovery!
Books have been my only friends and my lifeline in so many stages of my life, and now I struggle to read even a few books a year. So when I say I hear your struggle and I feel your pain, I mean it. Crying as I sit here. I’m so, so sorry for everything you’ve been through.
I’m so sorry people are being terrible. We love your videos, they’re very informative, interesting and we’ve learned a lot from you. You’re absolutely not a disappointment. Thank you for feeling brave enough to be this vulnerable in front of us. Please be gentle with yourself
Holy mother of god, I am so sorry to hear all that happened to you and hope that I never accidentally fed into any of the bad conditions (if I did, please remember to turn on caps lock before yelling at me).
I will be here for all the coming parts and listen with great interest.
If it's any consolation to you: I'm part of the working class (fixing cars all day) and mostly because of you started reading books in my free time - thank you for that and thank you for your honesty.
My heart is with you, Cinzia. I am going through a shadow work journey, myself and I know how difficult it can be to share that with others. I am so proud of you! And I will personally fight anyone who gives you a hard time. 🖤😊
Is hard for me to understand that since I love reading from a young age. Of course I enjoy more readibg for pleasure that to study but this never happenned to me. How you must have felt that all your stress and anxiety manifested this way, keeping you away from the things you love the most. Hope you are better every day Lady. Thanks for the video😊.
Thank you so much for sharing your story Cinzia! I am doing a PhD and recently started therapy, which was probably the best decision ever. I couldn't work on my thesis for 2 years because I associated it with my mother dying and father getting ill. I also recognize your insecurity around intellect so much...
Thank you so much for sharing about this. When I first developed an anxiety disorder, many years ago, it sort of infiltrated into some unexpected areas of my life. For example I couldn't listen to certain music without it triggering a panic attack, I couldn't read or watch films I'd previously enjoyed or eat certain foods. Things are much better now thanks to time, patience, therapy, meds and big life changes, but having an illness take away things that previously bought so much comfort is an awful thing to go through.
I'm so glad you have support and again, thank you for being so honest and brave in sharing about this!
Thank you for being so honest about your mental health challenges. I have slow processing speed and need to read slowly, so I can relate to being called stupid during childhood. I'm so glad you are getting the help you need. Your channel is lovely and you are enough, and I truly believe your love of books will bring joy into your life again.
It's so heartbreaking to hear that you're fighting in order to be able to enjoy what you used to love... thank you for sharing this with us..
I'm gonna be honest, when I heard you talking about vomiting from anxiety I stopped the video and screamed "I'm not alone! We can do it, sis!"... I faced a similar anxiety problem in the past years, in my case it was anxiety towards my university studies, not reading in general, but still it broke me: every time I tried approach studying I ended up crying and vomiting and obsessively napping in order to avoid facing the problem...
But one thing (I remember clearly) that helped me going through that fight against myself were your videos.
Watching your videos, hearing your voice, having the opportunity to learn more about topics I always loved but never studied helped me remember that I love knowledge, that I'm curious and I want to learn more, that even if sometimes I struggle, my brain is still able of learning new things or remember the ones that I though I've forgotten.
Your motto "books saves lives so keep reading" spurred me into keeping going on, and now I can say I completed my accademic career the way I wanted and now I can say I left all that crying and vomiting behind my back...
Your presence on this platform helped me a lot, and I hope to be able to give back some encouragement to you with this comment❤
I don't understand why someone should come in your comment section and critizise you for the spelling or the reading, you've been an inspiration to me, one lighthouse of academic knowledge in a platform full of superficial or misleading content.
I hope the best for you and your inner battles, I believe you can win this fight💪
I think you are amazing, and I'm so glad you're here. ❤
I'm 44 and I've known that I was dyslexic for probably 31 years . I've never been able to read fast enough to enjoy. Even though I can read at college level if give time. I want to say thank you for sharing your story.
To say that you wouldn't do anything in academia you're working on a PhD which most people never achieve. Give yourself some credit.
Know that your critics don't matter. hope this helps you as much as you've helped me with this video.
Sincerely with all the ❤
You are so brave for sharing your trauma and expetiences with us. Thank you for opening up, I feel for you. Please know that your audience values your work and expertise, you are seen and appreciated for who you are (whom you've shown us at the very least). So proud of you, know you're not alone in tout struggles.
Dear Cinzia, I am very grateful for your video. What I have learned through my own similar struggle is that for me it's best to play to my own strenghts: I read very slow, often so slow that I lose my attention. But I am good listener, so audiobooks work wonders for me.
I also want to say that I admire you very much because having english as the language you first learn to read and write in and having dyslexia must be very, very hard. For me I just had to learn to read in two very phonetic languages (german has its good sides 😊) but I still remember 30 years after how I was mortified of having to read out loud in school or, if I was on a trip, of seeing a billboard (because I knew that all the other kids could read it but not me).
It is very good to hear that at least in the USA dyslexia and other reading problems are handled appropriately in school. In my school time in Eastern Europe in the 90s one would be mocked for not beeing a good reader by most of the teachers who would think and say that one was lazy. And I think this is the attitude that most of my peers have today. Honestly I wouldn't open myself up even today towards my schoolfriends, that is how ingrained the idea of beeing lazy if I don't read good enough is in my own head.
Again Cinzia, thank you very much for this video. You have started a very important conversation in the BookTube world.
You’ve read aloud to us all this time even though it’s been hard. What a gift! Thank you.
Your story made me cry and fume. It's never ok to bully someone for reading. Your channel is outstanding and fabulous
Thank you for sharing. You are an inspiration. I'm sorry that you haven't been told this enough, but you are wonderful, and we all have different gifts in this world. I take ages to read and was diagnosed with dyslexia when I was young. There is nothing wrong with us. We are different from others and that is a strength. As I tell my special needs children, you are differently gifted, and it is wonderful. Again I sorry you haven't been told enough. You are perfect as you are, and I love your gift of storytelling it's wonderful
You are so incredibly brave.
Thank you for continually inspiring me to never give up ❤
This video left me absolutely gutted. I have only been following your channel for a few months and I always just assumed you were an academic who wanted us to read more.
I'm so sorry for everything bad that's happened to you. I wanted so badly just to give you a hug and tell you everything will be alright.
I'm so glad you're trying to find your love of reading again.
Thank you so much for sharing. I’ve also lost my affinity for reading, I don’t read like I used to, though mine is more attention deficit related. We hear your struggles and we relate. Keep fighting, we’re with you 💜💜💜
Thank-you for being so brave, you are going to help so many people by uploading this video!
Thank you so much for telling this story. As someone who also realized only after years of academic burn out that i might have adhd, it hits close to home and makes me feel less alone. Books will always be there for us... and hopefully we (the communtity) can always be there for each other
I have had the same thing happen with my passions in creativity and writing as a lot of that comes from a real place in my life mostly traumatic experiences. A lot of that went into writing because there wasn’t any other outlet I could think of. I’ve had a lot of traumatic experiences such as being a survivor of an abusive relationship, no father, bullying, 12 surgeries, a brain injury that left me permanently disabled, NICU (ICU for newborns), flatlining, the list goes on. I would often struggle not only dealing with those throughout life but putting them into the things I create due to judgment purely because I’m a male and well men don’t talk a lot about those things. I would often lock myself into a room and the thought of writing any of that down or creating content with it and putting it out there made my stomach churn. Eventually, I did it. The Outlaw family, Skylar, Luna, Bryan (me), Jason, & Jac gave me a different avenue of sharing those stories in the way I wanted to. Where I had control. It was me but wasn’t me at the same time because most people didn’t know those stories were real unless I said something about them.
WOW!!! You are so incredibly brave and resilient!!! I am blown away by your story and courage. I deeply relate to your story, I am also neurodivergent and have struggled with reading my whole life. I was called “stupid” and was bullied for being at a lower reading level as a kid. I find it so amazing that despite your specific trauma and struggles with reading, you have chosen a vocation that deeply relates to it. That takes REAL guts and determination. Many people would have given up with that situation. You believed in yourself, your gift, and passion. That is so freaking beautiful and unique!! ❤❤❤
Thank you for sharing that with us! As someone with ADHD who often has to reread pages and has problems with comprehension this was so moving and I hope you continue to do what makes you most happy.
From one dyslexic to another I feel you! And I thank you for your courage from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story. ❤❤❤
Wow, how incredibly painful this must be, yet here you are every day showing up and literally doing your best. Keep being amazing. Thank You for being so vulnerable, kind and authentically you.
Oh Hunney 😮😢❤❤❤ this is horrible. I am so sorry you are going through this. You are such an inspiration, you have no idea how many people you touch. Hugs!!!! From Los Angeles!!! You have all our support!!!
Thank you for being so brave and talking about this. Its so difficult to be open about the long term effects of trauma abuse and illness and phobias. I have had a hard time admitting my own. I too lost the ability to read, both words and sheet music. It was from a neurological disease, neuroimmuniological to be precise. The lines would dance and I wasn't strong enough to focus on the page or even hold up books or play instruments. I had bad spelling but suddenly id be writing the same words two or three times mixing up letter direction and order. I switched to audio books and that kept me going at my lowest moments, closest to death. I only got reading back a few years ago with some new treatments and a kindle.
I do still suffer from dyslexic symptoms so the Kindle really gave reading back toKindle the most with the dyslexic font option and the increase in letter size.
Best of luck in your journey to healing and wellbeing. Thank you for making your videos.
Bless you, Cinzia. I have been reading for about 60 years, and I cannot imagine the torment you have suffered. May you triumph in the end.
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your story. A lot of us have struggles that the rest of the world can't easily see.
I know a stranger on the internet can't make too much of a difference, but allow me to say this: I've watched plenty of your videos. The way you speak on subjects and present the material never ceases to impress. Your intellect is obvious. Regardless of your difficulties with reading, you are anything but thick.
You are smart, kind, passionate and worthy. I love your videos ! And I truly hope you can live comfortably with us and your sponsorships. You deserve to make a living from what you enjoy doing.
I work with disabled children (they might be autistic, have adhd, be dyslexic, deaf, etc). I love them all with all my heart. They're like younger siblings to me.
In July, I got diagnosed with autism at the age of 26. Like you I was bullied for who I was without knowing why. I wish I could give you a hug.
I can't think of any words that won't sound trite but I do want to say thank you for your trust. I can hear how difficult it was for you to be so vulnerable.
Please be gentle with yourself ❤
Thank you for sharing this. I struggle with reading due to trauma as well and have/had a lot of the exact same feelings that you discuss in this video. I always thought no one else dealt with it. Again thank you for sharing
Thank you for telling your story and being vulnerable. You are not defined by how someone else treats you. You get to decide how you feel about yourself and your growth and your power. You’re doing the work to heal. You are well and whole. I’m sending so much love and appreciation to you 💛
Thank you Cinzia,
I used to love books too and still do. They were my escape from horrible circumstances. C.S. Lewis' "The Chronicles of Narnia" and J.R.R. Tolkien's writings about Middle Earth alongside Mary Norton's "The Borrowers" helped to keep me going as a kid and to survive religious trauma. I didn't do well in school, although I did get my degree, and I struggle with the feelings that you describe everyday, especially the part where you stated that you feel like a disappointment. It's hard. Thank you for being vulnerable and authentic. I know that it must have taken a ton of courage .
Warm regards and best wishes.
David