What Is Sexual Abuse In a Relationship
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- Опубликовано: 12 сен 2024
- What Is Sexual Abuse In a Relationship #MarriedToATherapist //
Are you wondering what exactly constitutes as sexual abuse in a relationship? There are a lot of layers of sexual abuse and it's not something we talk about openly as a society. How do you know if you have sexual abuse in your relationship? Watch this video to learn what sexual abuse is and the complexities of it in a relationship.
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• What Is Sexual Abuse I...
I think it's important to understand that if someone is triggered, they may start dissociating and not say a word. Not saying "no" is not saying "yes". Kissing or touching someone and they're not kissing or touching back can be a form of "no/stop".
Its so, so hard, as someone that was abused, to tell sexual partners that I have issues with being intimate. I learned to explain things that may happen, without telling them all about trauma. Since I might dissociate and become non verbal, I feel they should know. In the dark, or if we're not 100% sober, I can only expect them to be able to recognize so much. Telling them ahead of time keeps us both from getting hurt. My current partner would be horrified if he found out that I felt coerced, or he did something that triggered me, I dissociated, and he didn't stop because he couldn't tell. He doesn't get upset with me, or blow up at all. It just bothers him knowing a) someone would hurt anyone that way, b) someone hurt me, c) he could add to that trauma without knowing. He asks if I want cuddles or if I don't want to be touched.
Conversations need to be had before sex anyway, but there are a lot of things that people find they really struggle with sharing.
I cannot help but correct nearly every "fight or flight" nonsense.
There is a lot more, most notably Freeze (what you described) and Friend; "if I try to go along it will minimize bruising".
Both are hardwired responses whose absence of common parlance I cannot comprehend. We've all heard of the deer in the headlight and everyone has experience with peer pressure (which is the social shape of the Friend response).
They're at the basis of every "she kissed back" or "she didn't fight back" excuse.
And as a guy who likes to work out, stands 2 meters tall, occasionally has mood issues (and a face to match) and sometimes appreciates a bit of kink (and was once not the first two), they're responses that I have been genuinely worried about in short relationships. If even a puppy like Aziz Ansari can end up hurting someone like that, I hate to think what I could have unwittingly done, were it not for the type of women I like.
And it also concerns me that a lotta people who look like me are unaware of. Not through ill intent, most of us are softies. But sincere misinterpretation of signals. Not knowing that "are you sure?" Or "WERE you sure?" Is sometimes a good question is a bum reason to find out you are responsible for trauma.
@@user-zh4vo1kw1z Fawning is another one. It's like when a fawn goes limp and silent as a way to avoid detection from a predator. In humans, it can be a way to avoid getting more hurt. It's not a conscious action; the body just goes limp. It can look like 'going along with things'.
Sexual consent tends to be very enthusiastic. If your partner is not joyfully participating, she/he may not be into it.
Yep a guy was massaging my breasts and I did not really like it and I never said yes I like this, and he never asked me if it was okay to do. He even made excuse that he only did it because he wanted “to make me feel good” but I had already told him I did not want to have sex and it was like he wanted to turn me on so I would have sex anyway.
I feel this strongly. I was in a predatory relationship before meeting my husband, who is really good at noticing when I am dissociating and then helps me work through whatever I'm remembering.
I needed this video. I was sexually abused by my ex husband and I haven't been able to admit that out loud. This was so validating.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Lots of love ❤️
@@BeGlamourlicious thank you for saying that. I'll need to bring it up with my therapist but it's so hard. 💔
Me too. 13 years of marriage, and 13 years of abuse/assault. I didn't know until I was well out of the marriage. (I left over 8 years ago, but didn't realize the extent of the abuse until much more recently)
Sometimes it can be refusing to use a condom but insisting on sex anyway, or demanding you perform certain acts you aren't comfortable with, of half way through you suddenly change your mind and want to stop but they continue, or even coercing you to have a child. If you don't SAY no because you're afraid of what they will do to you, then you didn't consent. And it's OK not to realize you were sexually assaulted, in a DV situation you're dealing with so much abuse and trauma already, if you add all the sexual stuff it might just be too overwhelming. I couldn't deal with that on top of everything else. It takes time. Consent is continual, can be withdrawn at any time, must be accepted by your partner without trying to hurt you, shame you, guilt you, threaten you. If they've ever tried to kill you, you probably won't feel safe saying no or stop. You've already lost your power. Or maybe there's a child in another room and you don't want THEM to hear. I keep seeing "silence is consent" even in therapists offices, and no it isn't. It's so much more complicated than men and even women realize. Be gentle with yourselves. We all deserve that. I had one experience where the condom broke, but he didn't tell me and finished anyway. Lost my virginity that way. I didn't consent to that!! And I wasn't ready emotionally and felt pressured in the first place. Men don't seem able to put on the brakes as quickly as we can.
And the reverse holds as well, if you want to do something and THEY say no, we need to accept that and stop immediately without making them feel bad.
I am with you. Cant say it out loud. So painful. I didn't know that it was ok for me to say no.
"If you say no, that's ok." That's the difference, right there.
Holy freaking crap. This explains the confusing pain in past relationships. I finally figured out that it was a lack of respect, because they always loved me but never respected my sexual boundaries. But would wear me down and (in one relationship) if I brought it up the he would blame me because I didn't say no.
I always blamed myself for being weak.
Sorry, but they did not "Love" you, at all.
1) someone that "loves you" but uses you does not love you.
2) you need to say no though. we humans are not mind readers.
The most destructive marriage advice I was ever given was ''Schedule sex and do it even when you don't feel like it because is important for your marriage''. THAT turned into scheduled rape. I still don't understand why so many people advice that and how do you make sure there is consent involved if people have to ''do it anyway because it is best/healthy/good for the relationship''???? I wish someone would have told me what you said here before.
This is so deep and true
Hmm. I got only the first half of that advice. Basically to decide on a day between you and your partner because life can get busy, and I way too easily forget about sex. But my husband and I will always double check with each other whether we are interested on our scheduled day or whether we should just skip it. There have been a number of times we have skipped it, but scheduling personally works for me. Sorry you had a really bad experience with it. Scheduling is terrible if you don't have permission to cancel.
Well said
Why are you together with someone that you don't like to have intimacy with?
@@Humanaut. I’m not. We’re not together anymore. I married him because he was great at the beginning until he wasn’t.
A lot of my exes kept saying that I was "sexually abusive" by refusing to have sex with them in the way they wanted me to. And that it was abusive from MY part to "force them to force me to have sex". It really messed me up for years. (Spoiler alert: THEY were abusing me)
I was told that by my partner. He’s the victim, always
@@mariastewart9861 People victimize themselves so they can avoid looking at their own responsibilities and the consequences of their actions. It is a ploy to crush the other persons' boundaries. It is no different from paedophiles saying "the child seduced me it is their fault if I abused them".
If your partner cannot respect your boundaries, you need to either have a huge talk about this or run the fudge away from them because, from my experience, if they cannot apologize and change their behavior, things are only going to get worse. I'm sorry.
I'm going thru this. It is so exhausting. To have to explain and fight over my own bodily autonomy. I'm never going to let another man manipulate me like this again. Never again!!! ❤️🩹
@@mariastewart9861my narc ex said he had evidence to show what a bad person I was when I took him to Court. Mf was scared that the evidence of our whatsApp chats would have exposed him as the groomer and harasser!!
YES finally I was just like, how is it perfectly fine for him to cause me physical pain, but me denying him pleasure is evil?
From the ages of 14 to 17, I had been in a sexually abusive relationship with someone who was very immature and self centered. To clarify, we were the same age and we broke up right in between our 18th birthdays. He would constantly overstep my boundaries and would touch me, even when right in front of our friends, even if I told him no or to stop, he would give excuses like how he was a guy and he couldn't help but to touch me or that my body was perfect to him and I realize now that that wasn't love at all. And thankfully I am seeing someone who treats me much better than I ever have been
this same thing happened to me and I still haven't healed from it
I hate being wanted for my body, because then who I am gets ignored or denied or rejected. My body isn't who I am. Love my personality or get out. That's how I approach my relationships.
"And they think they were a willing party the whole time" YES. Oh my gosh, this was the #1 biggest thing I struggled with. No matter how many times I was told after the fact that it wasn't my fault, I couldn't trust that because I thought that the coercion into saying yes meant that I was at fault. And I was made to feel like it was all my idea, that I started things. Thank you so much for that validation, because it continues to be a big struggle in trying to understand what happened and why.
I’m a SA survivor and my husband was the first partner I had that made consent the Central pillar of our physical relationship, to the point where he’ll ask “hey wanna do the thing?” and I’ll say yes but he’ll push back to make sure I’m actually interested and not just trying to please him. It’s been eye opening to say the least. I never realized just how far I was willing to push my own boundaries for others until I met him. Informed Enthusiastic Consent comes from introspection and communication and doesn’t just happen once it’s continual and important. Stay safe and have fun out there y’all.
I'm in the same boat as you, my husband is the same. Not only that but during he also checks in on me if he feels I'm being too quiet as well (also I have a physical thing that causes pain so he keeps an eye on that too). It took me a long time to realize not only how far I would push my own boundaries but also how I justified it to myself in my mind, just how easily I could blame myself. Intimacy was always a negative thing for me, especially because the first time I experienced Sa I was 4, so it was always this big, scary thing for me, but now with my husband I'm comfortable and actually enjoy exploring new things I like and things I want to do or try.
I'm a little shocked. Watching this, I can't help but realize, that I am actually doing some of these things. I went into my relationship with the thought "Consent is key" - which is a fact, and still the mindset I believe in. Recently, I've really struggled with my mental health, and have to admit, I was selfish and probably put my own wants and needs over his. Now, I must say that it feels like I got so lost on my way to "keeping the relationship going healthy" that I have become a toxic person. This opened my eyes, thank you, I will be better.
Among many other issues, I told my ex that I did not want to do a specific thing. For most of our marriage he would kindof sigh longingly whenever it came up in movies or whatever. After years of that I made the choice to give him what he wanted. At the time it felt like I was giving him a gift, but it didn't feel right. When I did, I completely disassociated, and when I came back to myself I nearly threw up. I'm only mentioning it because this was such a sneaky, manipulative way too not respect my boundaries. In this case, he didn't push, but okay mindgames instead.
Sorry that happened to you. Not playing devil's advocate here but he also may not have thought of it as manipulative women do this towards their men all the time and your right what he did was cohersive, manipulative, but in alot of societies, movies, and in some households its framed as normal (just like how stalker boyfriend is frames as cute) and it's not such sneaky maneuvers need to be voiced more so those who do it know it's wrong and those who receive it know it's wrong and to not give in.
The more education there especially on the sneaky kind you just outlined is the more situations in what he did to you can be uncovered as wrong and both women and men can know that if they're dating and seeing what you saw it's a no go & time to break up rather then wed!
I can fully relate. He would bring up things I had done with my ex and wanted me to do those same things with him even though I explained to him that the situation with my ex was different and I do not want to do those things anymore. He would get frustrated and still keep asking for those from time to time, wearing me down until I gave up and got a panic attack right after because I felt so dirty.
I would say I didn't like something, it hurt, he'd stop doing these things for a little while, then he'd start doing it again. After a couple years of him just not listening, I stopped voicing, because he wanted to do what he wanted to do, and I was married.
I completely understand and relate 😢
I'm really glad you covered grooming a bit in this video. It is absolutely terrifying how easy grooming can be done, to children and adults. Most people only see child grooming and don't think it can happen to adults, but it definitely can. I was groomed in a couple relationships, one in the more traditional sense, he was older, I was impressionable, and he used that to his advantage; we were a secret, he physically abused me, and I had agreed to become a "pet" for him in his (future) arranged marriage, and nothing about that seemed wrong or strange. The other relationship I was groomed in, I was older, but groomed and coerced into being intimate because if I didn't agree to at least some, even though it was painful and I didn't want to, I would have affection withheld from me, he would stop communicating and sulk in person and over the phone, and even if I didn't answer the phone when he called, same thing. The scariest part is he was able to start isolating me, and I lived in university dorms at the time! He used my beliefs to gaslight me, arguing me in circles to "prove" I was wrong, then calling me delusional for still believing, breaking down my identity and independence to be in total control. The scariest thing is both those relationships lasted less than a year, but they were able to get to that point. The grooming is why it is so hard for someone in an abusive relationship to get out and why it is so easy for them to justify the wrong things and blame themselves.
My ex was almost 11 years older than me and totally groomed me too. It's so slow and methodical that I didn't realize it happened or how wrong it was.
the withholding affection thing happened to me. we were together for a couple years, so i wanted to make it work. im so sorry that happened to you.
This video was affirmation that what I went through for years was sexual abuse (as well as verbal and physical)- I just didn't want to admit it as it was my husband and it started the very day after we were married. I finally divorced him. Trust your intuition. If something doesn't feel right it most likely isn't.
Even if it’s not sexual, it can be abused and traumatized and then internalize that trauma in a similar way.
I remember not having a strong sense of self to the point where I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life and time because I wasn’t used to having choices and I stagnated for a while because any choice seemed like too many for me I felt like I was frozen.
Like someone isn’t trying to control me and there isn’t even someone to resist and choose opposite from. Just like what do you want? And my brain was like: Error personal desires not found, opinion not formed, never mattered before.
Similarly here. I totally get that.
Very good video! I think it's also worth pointing out that grooming can mean not just pushing boundaries, but making the person feel like their boundaries are invalid or unreasonable, which is why it can be so insidious: For example, if you manipulate someone into believing that as your partner they're not "doing their job" if they refuse to have sex, if you convince your spouse that they have a marital obligation to have sex on demand, if you teach a child that sex acts between children and parents are normal, etc. The whole point of grooming is that the abuser doesn't even have to violate any stated boundaries because the victim doesn't even know they have the right to freely set their own boundaries and have them respected.
OmG youre so right. This is why I was sexually abused so many times. My perpetrator convinced me that this was my ''duty'',that this was my ''obligation'', that this is what ''married people do'', that we ''have to do this'', that ''If I didn't I was a bad wife'', so is like I forced myself to do something I didn't want to do because I was ''trying to be a good wife'' so I Tecknically gave ''consent'' but inside I felt forced with a gun to my head. The gun was all the ''Shoulds''.
@@eiwagarciabrito495 I am so sorry that he did that to you. That's so abusive and exploitative.
@@sabrinagranger5468 Thank you
Sexual coercion
Thank you so much i was talking to my friend one time about the things that happened to me during my marriage and she was like that’s abuse and i understood logically but never felt emotionally validated in it
I appreciate this video so much. My ex was emotionally abusive and constantly pushed my boundaries when it came to everything. I was with him five years and he knew I had no intention of getting physically intimate until we were married. He acted like he totally supported the no-sex boundary which made me love him so much more. It wasn’t till we had been broken up for about two years that I realized just how many boundaries he’d manipulated me into moving/erasing and how close I had been to him raping me.
What ultimately broke us up was 2 things: 1- he was staying in Georgia with a friend when my grandfather died unexpectedly and I asked him to come to the funeral in Florida; he promised he’d be there then ghosted me for a month; when he finally talked to me again I found out he’d decided that going to FL from GA was too far so he drove to his dad’s place instead...in Illinois!
2- during the time I was being ghosted, the friend he was staying with told me that there was something he had to get off his chest. That something turned out to be a confession that the reason my bf seemed so tolerant of my no-sex boundary was because he had been taking liberties whenever I would fall asleep (which was often due to my liver disease meds). His friend told me that my bf had “done everything but rape you because he knew he could hide everything else.”
I didn’t want to believe him. But I knew this guy really well and he had never lied to me. So I confronted my bf when he finally took my call and he accused me of screwing up his sexual confidence, called me a child, and said “You’re stupid if you think any guy is going to be with you more than a few weeks before trying to get you in bed. I shouldn’t have been so tolerant. I hope your next bf rapes you. You deserve it.”
That conversation happened over a decade ago. I haven’t been able to date since.
I am really sorry that that happened to you and I know firsthand how difficult it is, but I hope you don't withhold your happiness because of his messed-up existence. He was an abuser, but you were and are a survivor. You deserve every bit of happiness, love, respect, and care that the world has to offer. Please never deprive yourself of that.
Guys and their sexual entitlement makes me sick. Not all guys btw. Just. This jerk. 😡
This is why I love the BD/SM community so much, because consent is key above all else. Until I became a part of the BD/SM community I had a hard time voicing my boundaries and telling someone no, now I have learned how because of this amazing community. While the kink part may not be for everyone, I think everyone should learn from the consent and boundaries part of this community.
My abusive ex pushed me into the BDSM community which made the abuse even worse, since consent is so key, but he never asked for consent. Completely wrecked it for me.
@@tkrause1116 My ex also pushed me into the BDSM community as well. I just can't do that lifestyle anymore. I don't know if I'm kinky or its a product of being with that person. I'm sorry that you went through that :(
I concented to someone beating me for their own sexual gratification, so it's okay." You can't possibly think that that's heailthy.
Consensual abuse is still an abuse
This is where I think the FRIES model of consent is so helpful. Consent needs to be freely given, it is reversible at any time for any reason, it must be informed, enthusiastic and it is specific to each act. Anything less than a HELL YES! is a no. This means silence or even “okay. I suppose” or “sure” are not consent.
Oh fuck 😖 i needed to hear that.
I wonder if i've ever been at hell yes... And when...
And what that was...
I was so stuck in managing all my triggers, flashbacks, shut-downs and overwhelm of sadness that i had no energy or gauge to even realize that if there's no "hell yes" it's probably just a no
I had one single encounter where the person i was with made that call for me by telling me "if it's a maybe, then it is a no"
@@depaula1710 tbh "hell yes" is a completely unrealistic standard for day to day life.
I've always been in normal/healthy relationships in regards to sexuality and I've never needed any explicit form of "yes" or "hell yes".
When things came up (because of her past), i just felt the emotional shift and addressed it, asked if she wanted to stop or continue and what she needs/wants and then we went from there.
It's hard and probably awkward to devise a formal system for something that is just a normal part of any healthy relationship.
You just need to talk about it at first so everything is out in the open and have open communication channels and then pay attention to emotional ques and body language and address if anything comes up - that's pretty much it.
I also need my partner to be able to communicate with me.
You can't assume the other person to be a mind reader.
@@Humanaut.Exactly.
I have an ex, they were my first and would regularly push my boundaries while having sex and when I would voice it, they would laugh it off and ignore what I said so that they wouldn't feel the guilt. It took me a long time to realise that was sexual abuse and I learnt not to speak up because I wouldn't be taken seriously. These days I speak up and push people away if I'm uncomfortable.
This happened with me where a boundary was never stated so I didn't know I had crossed it. I still feel very guilty over it despite the other person not being upset with me because they know they never told me. Consent is very important and I promised to take things slow until they were comfortable placing down a boundary even if I'm actively unknowingly approaching it. When your partner says "stop" or "no" It Stops.
(There's the "exception" with consensual non-consent where "stop" and "no" are part of the game but when the safeword that actually means "stop" is dropped, it all stops)
Its so good to read an experience from the other side after having read a lot from the victim's side.
Being a trauma survivor and not being able to voice it when triggered is not uncommon in my experience. Enthusiastic consent is the only kind that counts in my opinion. If they’re just going along with it but have clearly shifted from excited to something else, maybe quiet or withdrawn… that’s a pretty big sign that you should stop… no?
Some people put you in a situation just so they can abuse you
yeah and now seggs disgusts me so much I cannot even believe it myself... I used to have a very high libido but I know now it was exploited and I was manipulated as a people pleaser so energy vampires can take my seggsual energy and pervert it for their own selfish gain. I honestly hate thinking that my younger self was so damn stupid.
Thanks for putting a word or kind of description to it..
"You are no longer a person you are here for my gratification, no matter what your desires are, no matter what you need to feel respected or safe, i am saying none of that matters to me, and what all that matters is what i want."
My current partner has told me after hearing my story that i have never been in a relationship where my sexual boundaries were respected, and i have been sexually abused by all my partners. To me it has been hard to accept and understand as i often consented even though i hated it, just to make the begging stop. I know i felt scared, disrespected, not cared for, inhuman, like an object, i never felt like a partner but more like an easy way to get satisfaction, whenever they wanted it, and when i stopped giving it, the relationship died out, they got angry, told me i was unfair.
I did a lot of things, and allowed a lot of things to happen to my body, that i did not want to ever happen, sometimes i would say "just hurry" other times i would not even consent and still get used.
I hate myself and my body. And worst of all is that i have a very hard time having any form of intimate time with my partner even though i want to, my body fights me.
All this i have been working on for at least 5 years, and its slowly getting better, accepting that it was sexual abuse and that i did say no multiple times and voice my opinion, is helping me understand that i was not accepting or encouraging anything and it was wrong.
Get out, get help.. Its not worth giving up your body for "love", attention, closeness, validation or anything like that..
Shit, my first relationship groomed me.. He did not respect my boundaries and showed me way way out of my comfort zone way before i was ready..
Hello 😄 Thank you for all the work that you guys do 😊 I was wondering... You've mentioned spiritual abuse in a few of your videos. Would you mind covering that subject in another video, please?
I'd also appreciate anyone else's comments 😊
I'd appreciate this topic being covered as well. My parents were in a very manipulative psychologically controlling cult for about 6 years when I was about 11. It really sucks to have an innocent honest desire to have faith and believe in something but to have that used against you for someone else's agenda.
I am also wondering.
Following
Great topic. If you are a church going type, they may use the Bible against you, with the part about wives must submit to their husbands, but they leave out the rest. Until fairly recently, it WAS legal for men to take their wives without consent, and wives and children were considered go be the property of the man. And you can do whatever you want to your property. It takes police, courts and even the medical community a long time to catch up. Even in wedding vows the wife traditionally says she vows to OBEY her husband, but he takes no such vow. I took that line out if my vows, not signing up to be a slave, but an equal partner. He had other plans
This was the video I needed in 2018. I wish I had heard these words back then, before this happened in my relationship. So much of this landed for me, it's crazy. I needed to hear the words "it's not my fault" because my boundaries were pushed when I had been clear I did not want the things I was worn into participating in over a period of years. More importantly, I wish I hadn't thought that because I was aware of the coercion, that I could somehow rise above it and stay strong. I hope that this video helps someone in that place now before they have more regrets than they know what to do with.
Coming back to this video after watching it a year ago to finally talk to my therapist about it, I thought I would just "get over it", that healing the other aspects would help, but I've found myself growing more and more resentful even after two years of not seeing my ex. Thanks again for this vital information
I have this friend. That I let hug me at first. The way he hugs is creepy. It the duration and how he moves his hands on my back. It took me a while to realize why this affect me so much. I was sexually abused as a child for years. I finally got the courage to talk to him about. It seemed like all went well. We agreed that I needed some not to hug him. A couple of days ago he wanted to talk about being able to hug again. I was very uncomfortable and I said I would talk to him over the phone about it. He said he wanted to do it in person. I agreed because I wanted him to leave. I had already given him many hints and also told him directly.
The thing is the next couple of nights I had early waking like three in the morning without being able to get back to sleep. I also had an anxiety attack. When the day came I baled out. The thing is I don't trust his intentions for some reason. It's been this way for a while. He's not a bad person. Am I being to sensitive.
If they were really a friend, kindly asking them not to hug you should not have been a problem. Conversation should have gone quickly. "Please don't hug me." "Ok."
Wanting to talk about it 2-3 days later is ridiculously soon. He wasn't a family member, or boyfriend, why does he need to hug you.
You are not too sensitive, and I can't stress that enough! He knows that you expirenced abuse and that his hugs are triggering for you. You voiced your boundary that you want to have this talk over the phone. He still insisted on talking about it face to face. That's overriding your boundary. His intentions doesn't matter! If he was truly your friend, he wouldn't even ask to hug you again, because he wouldn't want to trigger you. Please be safe!
I agree with the other commenters here, a friend will respect, and not push, your boundaries. It doesn’t matter why you have those boundaries. Some need physical contact to feel close friendship, but that is not your responsibility to provide that.
Had this similar experience. Friend who always guilted me into hugging him. Said "it's nothing weird", "you know touch is my love language", etc. Felt like I was wrong for not wanting to hug a friend. Then I had another male friend who asked me before we hugged the first time if it's okay to hug, and when he did, didn't do it for more than a few seconds, or try to press his body into me.
There's a difference. If you say no and they say ANYTHING besides okay no problem, get OUT of there. Bigger red flags await.
A good person would take your word for it. Your "friend" is not a good person and is not actually your friend.
You might appreciate and benefit from a couple books by Gavin De Becker called The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift. Both excellent books about trusting your gut to keep yourself safe.
Such a sensitive topic unreal. Thank god I haven't been thru something like that or did this to any girl, but my heart is so much with the ones who has been thru and still are in a living hell. I always respected free will. And something I advise to be careful with is to be sure in a no being said to them. There is sometimes a no which is actually a hidden yes, very easy to hear it in the tone out of sexual game. However there were moments it wasn't clear for me, and I stopped right away and asked the girl I was with: "Please tell me because it wasn't clear for me. Did you really mean that no?" And she said "yes I really meant no", and told me of what is the better way for her. Communication is so important, because I would never want to sexually hurting anyone. And when you communicate with your partner and take your time to listen to her, and to learn what is better and what is less good then the love and relationship becomes even stronger.
TW: sexual coercion. i've been watching this channel and cinema therapy for a while and it's really helped me, but i think this is the video that has helped the most. i've been confused about labelling what my ex's actions towards me were. a lot of it came down to me not voicing my boundaries and going along with it out of fear, which i can admit easily was not his fault, but he took a lot of action to manipulate me into sexual acts. he got upset because i didn't do it when he expected us to, would do sexual things to me without my consent (and i'd be in too much shock to say anything and would later get upset at me for not reciprocating), would pressure me into sexual acts, and would often say "it's ok to say no" but then act cold and distant when i did. i'm a previous victim, and in the previous cases, it was so black-and-white and was obviously sexual assault, but with this, i just couldn't wrap my head around what happened and what i'm feeling and what i should do about it, and this video really did help clear some of my thoughts on the matter. thank you so much for making this; it's so difficult to speak about and discuss, and videos like this help so much. this has been a surprising eye opener for me.
Yes! I totally understand this. I have been abused in a similar way over 16 years with my husband. It isn't good. He disrespects all sorts of other boundaries and dismisses my emotions and things that are really important to me. I am working on getting out with my 15 year old. Not sure how to handle the part where I tell him I am done. I feel like I need to explain it to him so he can learn and be better, but he is very good at saying the right things and manipulating me with guilt. Early on when I tried to leave, he told me some bullshit about how he didn't drink or do drugs, took good care of me, bla blah, and said "you're 28 years old. Let's be honest, you're not gonna find anyone better." I am so mad at myself for believing him. Now I have cptsd and panic every time he approaches me.
20 something year old me thanks both of you for this video. I needed a closure for something for really really long time, and I lacked the answers. I felt something was wrong but I couldn't *put my finger* on what exactly bothers me, and where was the wrong part.
I was lucky enough to have a friend who said exactly what you said, but he is not a professional he did not put it in the same words, so I'm thanking you two for finishing the second part of the closure I needed🙏
Possible Trigger Warning
I was groomed by a narcissist, into believing I was a bad person if I refused to do what they wanted. I won't go into gory details, but to this day I still feel that it is/was partly my fault because I never said "No".
The difference between courting and grooming: intent.
I intend to get what I want OR I want what's best for you, even if I don't like it.
I am glad this is brought up. When people do have a relationship that before intimacy these things should be discussed. The discussion should be honored by both people for that sense of safety. ❤❤❤❤
What if there are other types of abuse taking place in a marriage so you’re afraid to voice your boundaries?
You leave.
Get out of the house
My recent EMDR showed that I have been traumatized as well. It's very hard for me to live with the thought. I somehow always carry the thought of "It's my fault" around with me... Your video really connected with me, and I am lost for words.
Especially your last sentence: "We need your light" I couldn't keep the tears anymore. Thank you.
I'm single now and want to start dating at some point. I am absolutely terrified of the prospect of meeting men who think they have right to my body based on their own rules. I was in a committed relationship for 6 years. Before that I had a very positive attitude toward sex and I really loved it until after a year or so into the realtionship it became a source of stress. Somehow it was always my responsibility to be sexy, active, getting the timing right with approaching him and getting better at it. I voiced what made me uncomfortable and I wanted to get the same I gave. But somehow me having desires was never a concern. We only had to serve his to the point he blamed me for not having enough sex is the reason he has problems (mental mainly, substance abuse too). I'd love to believe I will find a man who knows how to respect boundaries but I just feel terrified at this point.
Thank you SO MUCH for spelling things out clearly in this video!! It took me literally 22 years to figure out that I was sexually abused and not somehow responsible because I didn’t say No (and a variety of other factors). I am making SURE to teach my kids about what abuse and true consent look like.
Thank you for your point at 4:48. This is the very reason I've avoided relationships all together. I'm nearing my 30's and feel like they just might not be an option for me. I'm afraid some random moment is going to trigger something for me and don't want to put another person (especially someone I care for) in that position when they may have done nothing wrong. Very tricky dynamic
Thank you for this. It's sad that there's only accidental validation (coming from "outsiders" on RUclips) in many such instances.
Thank you for giving me the words. I knew it was not right... but I couldn't express it without sounding like a willing victim...
Thank you! ♥︎
0:29 *sexual abuse can take many forms*
0:49 *What is sexual abuse?*
1:32 It can be/happen in:
2:03 *Grooming*
Takes us into, so what is sexual abuse? Often times it involves grooming. *Grooming is* the process of wearing down somebody's resistances, their moral, their ethical, their emotional, their relational, their personal resistance to your sexual advances.
They can look like friendship or courting behaviors.
3:04 *What is the difference between courting and grooming?*
If I'm *courting* someone I respect their Boundaries.
3:52 🌱 *Are you doing things that you didn't wanna do?*
If the answer is yes, then there's a sexual abuse component to this relationship. *Unless,* there might be a caveat to that 'cause the other person didn't know because you never voiced it. But if you voiced it and they overrode it, that's sexually abusive.
5:20 *Do I draw a boundary that is respected?*
5:48 Find your voice to draw your boundaries.
5:56 To always be checking. To never really asumme.
*"If the answer is no, it's okay"*
6:36 *Coercion in a commited partner relationship*
Marriage rape is a thing
7:12 The principle of boundaries
It comes down to safety and respect.
7:19 Responsability/fault
*Under no circumstance is it ever the abused person's fault. It needs to be the respomsability of the abuser*
7:51 🌱Have a voice, draw your boundaries = This how you know if the person that you're with is a good fit or not, is someone who would be abusive, or someone who would be respectful. But, ultimately everyone's behavior, they're responsible for themselves.
8:18 Trauma and lost of the ability to make choices
It's crazy to me that abuse seems to happen so much more than I'd think.
I'm not sure if it's a cultural thing (I live in Switzerland and our country is considered to be pretty safe) or if I'm just lucky to only know good guys. But it makes me sad and angry to see how many women in this comment section describe how badly they were treated. I wish you all strength to get through it and to heal 💕
Hoi Mari
Bi froh hesch gueti Lüt um di. Es isch Glück - nid ds Land
@@depaula1710 Es esch secher es guets Stöck Glöck. Aber es esch au bewese, dass es i Länder met guete Schuele ond emne höche Bildigsstandard vell weniger Gwalt ged. Drom glaub ech scho, dass sLand en Rolle spellt.
@@1412mariLU hei MariLU... Denn hani statistisch gse wohl Päch gha.
@@depaula1710 Das tued mer leid. Hoffe, du hesch in Zuekunft meh Glöck 🍀
Thank you for this video. I haven’t really known how to understand the meaning behind this label. I really appreciate how in depth you both went with explaining it.
This was a video i needed, I was sexually assaulted and groomed for years and it suddenly stopped. I didnt fully come to terms with it until college. I recently have been seeing my abuser around more, they are moving back into the house right next to the one i grew up in where it all happened, fixing it up and just ughh... i never got therapy, cant afford it, but i do what i can to live my life and ive been in this relationship for over 4 years and yesturday i just didnt want to be grabbed and touched when i was headed to the kitchen... and it turned into a argument about how ive been distant and how its straining the relationship, for a while now, but it only came out when i said no, and said if you respect me please dont keep trying to grab on me, he knows about the assult and everything thats happening, he has even seen the abuser and how it caused me to shut down.
Omg ... this video was made for me in so manly aspects.... thank you so much for bringing this topic
I wish everyone should have access to this type of material and specially people with a history of abuse.
Thank you for covering this.
Perfect timing and a great video. Definitely a question I ask myself a lot since I can’t decide between abuse or just not saying/ feeling like yes was the only option. I do remember I had an incident with a boy not much older than me as a kid and I don’t even know if I should take it into consideration or keep ignoring like I have been for 17 ish years. Very glad to be making my way through the body keeps the score outside of studying for my degree.
I wish my partner could see this. But thinks therapy is for "crazy and weak " people. How can you discuss topics like this with a partner that seems to be so emotionally immature?
It’s taken me almost 14 years to realize that my stbx husband was sexually abusive to me pretty much from the beginning of our relationship. We started having sex early on before k was ready, and I had multiple conversations with him where I told him I wasn’t ready and that I wanted to slow things down, and he would agree and then go on to make sexual advances on me. I eventually gave up asking him to stop and for the longest time, I just blamed myself for not being able to tell him no in the moment. I now realize that I DID tell him no and that he should have respected that instead of continuing to come onto me when I’d clearly asked him to stop. He went on to prove in multiple ways over the years we were together that my feelings meant nothing to him and that I was only there to meet his needs and his wants.
I love you two. And I love the other channels associated with you. Very healing and deep but also very light hearted. Thank you. 🌹
What happens, when your husband was doing this, but then he change, but your body still remember the bad times and reject the sex, is possible stay married with someone made u suffer?
I think I might have sexually abused myself. Before I knew I was asexual, I forced myself to have sex with my partner (now ex partner) regularly and I totally violated my own boundaries every time. I saw it as my duty to meet my partner's needs and sometimes I even saw myself as an object without feelings, because I irgnored my feelings and tried to shut them down.
Whenever he wanted to make further steps or try something new, I didn't want to do that and I needed to be convinced a little bit. But in the end it was always me who forced myself to do all of those things, that I was so horribly uncomfortable with. I also had all kinds of self destructive habits at this time, so maybe I did that on purpose to harm myself... I don't know
@@spacesomeone Yes, I definitely had a lot of self-hatred at that time, but I think I did all of that more out of a lack of education. I really thought that I was supposed to want sex and so I convinced myself that I enjoyed it, even though I didn't. Nobody told me about asexual relationships. I didn't know that I can have a relationship and get love and physical closeness without sex.
And I was very lonely and desperate at that time, so I just did it in order to get love.
What I think is most shocking, is that it could easily happen again in the future. I realize that in a weak moment (for example when I'm drunk or just very lonely) I am willing to violate my boundaries for a little bit of love. Out of loneliness and despair I might just let someone rape me one day.
Was I sexually abused in my relationship? I for various reasons did not want sex every day. He wouldn't say anything at the time but then when we would argue he would bring up how unhappy he was that we didn't have aex every day, calling our sex life "hit and miss" etc when we were living together and being intimate 2 or 3 times a week. There were time of year where I have PTSD (which he knew) where we wouldn't do it for a week or so...or if he had done something bad we would do it less for a while. He would guilt me and I would end up thinking "well I should have sex with him to make him happy.". He was in therapy for sex addiction. Was this abusive? I'm not sure.
I allready wrote my "fear is not consent" rant. But I have to say thwt it doesn't end at the difference between courting and grooming, but still involves the basic principle: communication.
As a relationship grows, your sexual dynamic does too. You need to be able to, at least occasionally, double check. It's not just "is it okay if I...", but also "did you like it when I...". Agreeing does not mean liking.
if not to prevent abuse, than at least to enhance pleasure. I once saw a stand-up ask "many women faked an orgasm, who here has?" and then respond with "you dumb *****, how is he supposed to learn? Don't you smack a dog with a newspaper when he pisses the carpet? Train him better, just say to get back down there and put some effort in"
I actually had People tell me uve been sexually assaulted B4 we was told to do this we had (permission) that's beyond traumatic and need protection
Anything short of enthusiastic participation should be considered a no unless explicitly stated otherwise and even then possibly wait
Abuse can be different types not just violation
when in a serious relationship there isnt always verbal consent without making it awkward. Sometimes its best just to go for it. this is why you talk about your sexual expectations or your hard no's. also, safe words arent just for BDSM or D/s activities. My ole lady and i use "Meatloaf" because "i would do anything for love, but i wont do that".
The worst thing is being sexual abused and don't have any support
Seeing this video made me cringe so hard solely because I don’t want to face this as being real… but maybe I need to hear this and have my experiences be put into words
It took me a few days to be able to watch this, as I wanted to make sure I could sit and not do anything afterwards. I was married to an older man for 13 years until I left him. That was almost 8.5 years ago now and it was only a couple years ago that I learned that I was sexually assaulted/raped almost everyday that I was married to him.
A few yer4s ago, I tried reading "Lolita", because I'd seen the Jeremy Irons movie, but the problem was, both of my nieces were, at that point, umm...starting to get into this pervert's specified age-range, and my conscience and my stomach were both like, 'NOPE! Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope." I don't think I'll ever go back to that book.
This made me think of one person I was friends with online. A few days after I had told them about my being sexually assaulted by one of my brothers, they started trying to talk me into doing some things I didn't want to do. I was dealing with the revived trauma of something I'd blocked out for over 20 years, and realizing why I have trust issues. I told them no, I didn't want to, I wasn't ready, and they kept saying it wasn't a big deal and I was putting too much meaning behind it. When I kept refusing, they finally stopped and completely changed after, becoming more distant. I ended the friendship a while later because of that incident, and it was just simply toxic.
Yep he sounds toxic, good you kept your boundary and broke up with him.
@@destroyraiden Thank you. I know one friend I had wanted me to give it another chance, but I'm not sure she ever even recognized how he treated me.
narcs are turned on by your past seggsual abuse stories and they will see it as a challenge to out narc your previous seggsual abuser
Can you make a video about spiritual abuse?
No never worked no boundaries ever work from the first day it was aggressive behavior directed towards me if I said no I don't feel bad anymore hope whoever went through the same thing doesn't feel bad either
Another example of sexual abuse is infidelity in a committed relationship. Having sex with someone else, when you've agreed with your partner that you have a monogamous relationship and the partner is unaware of the infidelity and still having sex with you, is a form of sexual abuse. The partner was lied to and had their informed consent taken from them, and likely would not have consented if they knew the other person was having sex with someone else and putting their health at risk. It's a form of sexual abuse that the victim isn't even aware of until the infidelity is discovered, and it's vile and traumatic.
This conversation was healing and relaxing, it helped me understand so much. My past trauma kept coming up in my present relationship, thank you for the insight!
I remember going through sexual trauma as a kid. I played with an older neighbor kid regularly, but then when he started going through puberty I guess he wanted to play around? Anyway he ended up forcing himself on me (not rape) and ever since then I hate it when people tell me I'm physically attractive. Because up to that point I had felt safe, accepted, and protected. But after that I felt like who I was didn't matter and was disregarded if someone liked my body. I still have to fight the mentality that my body is my enemy. It got me unwanted attention and I feared losing myself if someone was into my appearance, not to mention if they wanted to be intimate. My husband and I are still working through my issues. I married a saint and I am so lucky for his undying patience with me.
I needed this video. thank you
Oh, this one is easy. If any party is unable to consent (i.e. asleep, drunk, drugged, or, OBVIOUSLY, a minor), or if any party says no at any point, past that, it's assault. I've heard there are some places in America (I'm Canadian) where you CAN sleep with a 16-to-18 year old, but ONLY if you are yourself another 16-to-18 year old, and both parties have to consent, of course.
btw, in austria the SA perp is 20% someone you don't know, not 5-10%.
My situation I struggle to come across anything relatable so thanks for this, it's sort of helped me with validation. Basically I was sexually assaulted twice by a friend. I felt I was groomed for it. So many red flags I ignored, so much inappropriate behaviour I let slip. Looking back he was testing the waters with things like stroking my inner thigh for example. I'd move his hand away then he'd say I'm overreacting. We'd be watching a movie together and sometimes his arm was round me and he'd randomly start stroking my boob. I'd call him out on it and he'd be like 'oh sorry I didn't realise it was your boob' 🙄 He'd make inappropriate derogatory comments that were passed off as jokes. He joked that he'd wear me down sexually. I was in a vulnerable state of mind as it is (terminally ill Mum) and I think he took advantage of this. He'd say that one day we'll have sex. I said we wouldn't. Eventually it led to kissing occasionally after we'd been drinking. I consented but then 1 time he pinned both my arms down with 1 hand after I refused to kiss him and used his other to hold my face so I couldn't move and made me kiss him. He once refused to book a taxi and leave unless I kissed him even though I said no. I eventually had to give or he wouldn't leave. Eventually I was sexual with him on around 2 occasions 😔 I never imagined I would but I did. I wouldn't let him touch me when he asked though. Anyways I was no angel in all of this. I'm quiet a flirty person sometimes without realising it. I've danced provocatively for him. Sent him suggestive pictures (never nude) and so I feel a lot of shame and self guilt for what was to come. And what did come was him sexually assaulting me when I was asleep. I was facing the wall and awoke to him assaulting me with his fingers. Long story short, I was in a bit of a trauma bond I'd say. After 5 months of no contact I let him back in my life only to be on his sofa and waking up to him putting his up my dress then into my tights and underwear to him assaulting me again. I eventually worked up the courage to go to the police. I've finally just started therapy but feel so much guilt and blame myself. I do feel like I was groomed but I feel like many people won't understand it from an adult perspective.
This was exactly what I needed to know and hear at this time; thank you for your efforts and your work and your good energy
Amazing work you guys yes well sad being a survivor myself. Yes I believe that’s what you’re all about and I’m just delighted. I needed to refresh you’re shining yes and I’m shining to and healing all the time. I slipped a bit with my boundaries. I have to be much stronger. Thank you thank you again.
years of seggsual abuse cured me from wanting any seggsual relation with a man or anyone... I definitely do not see seggs the same way any more, as something I cannot live without, or something cool due to peer pressure, or the need to get married and do the dirty deed to get pregnant because it is expected of you. I am currently in a hermit mode after deep healing from seggsual abuse. I am not excited about seggs any more...honestly it makes me sick to my stomach to think about intimate relations these days. I don't know when I will think anything good comes from seggs again in the near future. Currently I am just repulsed by how far people will go for connection with other humans who will go out of their way to exploit that need for connection.
I have never been gay ever that is abuse boundaries is very important in a relationship
You did pretty good addressing the side where pressure is being placed to perform sexual acts....but I was also hoping you would address the side where people intentially withhold sex and physical affection to try and get what they want in a relationship? In my opinion (not a phsycologist or anything like that), that is sexual abuse too. Any chance of a video addressing that? It just doesnt seem to follow the setting boundaries thing addressed in this video.
i used to be very unconditional will my love gestures in relationships because I was a people pleaser until i realized i was getting abused to give people what they want even if it hurts me...these days a marriage of convenience where there is no seggs involved sounds feasible for me.. I don't want any partner to touch me and I don't want to touch them. Officially repulsed by seggs!!
I would really love a video on how to disclose to a new partner that you've had past traumatic sexual experiences, that'd b e really helpful.
This is going to get dangerously close to political, and I don't mean it that way, but here goes: When discussing issues like abortion, a lot of people will say "I'm against abortion except for cases of rape." Very few people are against abortions 100% of the time, but that's another issue. Here's my question, which sounds stupid, but people ignore it: Who decides who was raped? Is there a metric? Do women need physical proof? Do we have a special abortion verification division in our police departments?
Rape can be a nebulous concept. Sexual abuse in general is a fairly nebulous concept. You might say "well they should report rape to the police, then a woman can have an abortion," but there are TONS of reasons why someone does not want to report sexual abuse to the police. Maybe they don't to re-live the trauma, maybe they just want to get on with their lives, it doesn't really matter.
This isn't an "abortion is right/wrong" thing, it's just that I see so many people throw around the term "rape" as if it's some black/white thing. It's not.
I was forced to have $€X by an ex boyfriend and another boyfriend i had after him, when I told him i didn't like having to give him or@l $€X, he told me: you like it, you like it ! Always rubbishing my feelings !!!!
The squick XDDDDD Alicia's squick cracked me up at the beginning of the video
I don't think a single sexual partner I've ever been with has ever asked for my consent. I never realized it until now.
Thank you I needed this video
You don't always have to voice a verbal no. You can be too scared to say no due to a person's behavior.
Very much appreciate this content
Defining Buffy's behavior in season 6 here (and Spike's, but Buffy's abuse always hits me more that season)
Oh man... SO much happened that season. Most of it sad.
Thank you so much for this
Wow this is true
Say, hypothetically, would a person telling you, IMMEDIATELY following sex, 'you have one of two options, you can either stay here, in bed (alone) or come (wherever) with me but either way I have something else (somewhere else more important than you right now ) I have to focus on,' be sexual coercion/grooming/abuse?
yeah that is mind games... I was groomed by this one "friend"... each time we were on the telephone she would cut off our conversation and say she has something more important to do or someone more important to speak to...i realized she was triangulating me to play mind games with me to try and keep me hooked to her craziness. I recognized the same pattern in another friend who wanted some type of seggsual solace from me...she would always talk about her other friends and insinuate how more important they are to her, she would even cut our lunch short at a restaurant because she promised another friend she will meet up with her straight after - that was the final straw!
Listening to this triggers me quite badly. My last abuser is a so called covert Narcissist. What you are mentioning here- "I didn't know you wanted to be intimate/I thought you wanted to" and also the "it's your past issues making you think you don't want to" are reasons he uses to say he didn't abuse me. Also I haven't learned to set boundaries and this person totally played all his cards like triangulation, gaslighting, etc. You make it look too much like it's the victim's fault. Since being in a healthy relationship I am not afraid to actually say no, any longer.
Wonderful couple.
Wow my ex would do things to me when i said it hurt he would say i was his wife snd i was suppose to do whatever he wanted
He also did things when i was sleeping it was horrible after 17 yrs i finally got awsy from him
Do you have a video on marital rape?
What are your thoughts on sexual abuse aided by religious organizations? The Mormon church for example and their clergy's systematic coverup of CSA? I want a video on that.
Can you PLEASE react to “Dear Mr. President” by P!nk??!! It’s one of my favorite songs of hers and it has a great message. Also the All Too Well music video!!!
I had a person tell me when I was sexual abused if I tell they would force me to be gay I'm a straight woman
what if a man forces you to be straight by thinking heteroseggsual seggs will cure you but end up in physical and mental abuse?🤔
Crap this 😅is what happened to me. I was definitely groomed and not courted.
I feel like MANY a Christian resources push that you do NOT have the right to deny your spouse sex. HOW is that not teaching sexual abuse? I am so traumatized by BAD advice. Being coerced into sex or sexual favors because the Bible said so. 😢
a religious organization is still a cult - they specialize in submission to covert abuse