4 Early Signs A Relationship Won't Last
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- Опубликовано: 18 май 2024
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Dr. John Gottman has developed a model that can watch you talk to your partner and then predict with 90% accuracy if your relationship will end.
He does this mostly by looking for four common communication mistakes.
So today we’ll go over each one AND the four antidotes that can save your relationship if you or your partner have these bad habits.
⏰TIMESTAMPS⏰
0:00 - Intro
0:25 - #1: Criticism.
3:04 - #2: Contempt.
6:13 - #3: Defensiveness.
8:08 - #4: Stonewalling.
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That part at the end about "settling for someone who doesn't truly make you happy" should come with the disclaimer that you can't get all of your happiness from another person, no matter how great they are. If you expect them to always make you happy you'll end up thinking something is wrong and questioning even a great relationship.
True happiness comes from within.
That’s what they meant. Nothing technical about it, no disclaimer needed. It’s common sense that if someone takes away from your happiness they need to be gone. But it’s also true other people can add to your happiness because happiness is also an exchange.
@@blushbb. Most of the time when people say they are not happy in the relationship, it has nothing to do with the partner. People are just expecting their partner to solve their own problems, something they cannot do, so they break up.
@@cherubin7th that’s also common sense and “technical”. I mean don’t people learn ts in high school - college. You guys are talking about a completely different issue, mostly associated with mental illness. And not everyone has mental illness.
This is problem with a lot of people today. They're looking for someone who will "fix" all the insecurities/ issues about themselves (i.e. a really short woman always dating giants, a pathetic emotionally repressed man paired with an obnoxious egomaniac) instead of correcting why they have those insecurities in the first place. Or better still focusing on what they could offer to a relationship.
Love and attraction are not enough. Communication, respect, and growth are key to a lasting relationship.
Mutual respect is where many relationships fall short. You can’t be with someone if you think they are somehow beneath you.
All of which I don’t deserve :)
Oh sod off.
Also humour :)
@@seb1520become someone you'd be proud your children wound marry
I’ve been married for over 32 years and I’d NEVER talked to my husband with disrespect. He treats me so good and he’s NEVER raised his voice at me and he’s always been so kind and caring to me.
SIMP
What would be one key lesson from your relationship?
You're an inspiration.
@@STFUIDC1776 Thank you so much for sharing your story.... I do relate with your story on a personal level.... My question is: What is different about this relationship? What are you doing differently? What made you click? And what specific rituals do you follow as a couple everyday? And most importantly how did you recover from the abuse and bounced back? I hope you answer this. I would love to learn from your experience.
@Kieren Summers we have had plenty of disagreements and even some jealousy but we don’t scream and yell or call each other names.
When we get angry for whatever reason, we just talk about it. The worst thing he ever did was throw my hair dyed across the room. And I went and stayed with my mom, for a few days. You can have arguments without being hateful. We both had been married before, and both of our earlier marriages were very toxic! Idk, maybe we just learned from those mistakes we made before. Plus, I adore and love him more everyday and we were not teenagers when we met! I’m in my 60s and he’s in his 70s so what’s there to fight about?
This applies to every type of relationship: friendship, family or romantic.
Agree
Omg yes cuz I stopped being friends with someone because of some of this traits
Precisely, i see now how my mom treats me
She have a sense of superiority.
BIGGEST RED FLAGS I SEE:
-Demeaning you (even jokingly, they can use it as a passive-aggressive excuse)
-Refusing responsibility and deflecting it, not caring if they hurt/upset you.
Whenever someone says something unfair or deflecting, call it out IMMEDIATELY! Don't let people walk all over you!!!
True and just to add to that, it doesn't even have to be done in an aggressive way.
I find saying that you don't feel respected or listened to after someone does that kinda stuff works pretty good to snap a reasonable person back into being nice and considerate.
Looks like years 1-7 of my marriage. 8-15 was holding but not healthy. 16- 20 is back on track. Mutual appreciation and acceptance
Bless You ❤
Usually it's the opposite! That's wonderful!!!
Love to see this comment and happy for you
@Kieren Summers I got divorced after 20 years. You can't expect the other person to change. Either you change or you leave. If you're checking out but staying married then it's only going to get toxic.
I thought you were saying you had 20 marriages lol.
To sum it up-
1.Criticism
2.Contempt
3.Defensiveness
4.Stonewalling
But to avoid contempt I'd have to be respectable. Quite a stretch.
1. Criticism instead of a healthy complaint
2. Contempt instead of good sarcasm and having the habits of telling your partner what you appreciate about them
3. Defensiveness instead of taking responsibility for your part of the problem
4. Stonewalling instead of calling a timeout
You just copied the description
@@ELMKTF AKA a woman talking to a man.
tysm
This can be applied to any close relationship, including platonic.
Even work.
These all rely on both parties working toward a resolution, the biggest problem is when one person does not do this
This is good advice. I would add that there is a danger of apologizing too much. I've found that addressing a conflict in a calm, collected way and taking ownership of your mistakes while the other party is unwilling to do so can lead to resentment as well. Know when there are too many red flags and when it's time to end a relationship, even if it's good otherwise.
After being single for almost a year, it’s comforting to watch such videos without being in a relationship 😌
Knowing the line with sarcasm is key. My wife and I both "flirt" with teasing sarcasm. The target is basically stuff that doesn't matter; it's clear that it's a joke and not contempt because we know from our years together that we're not doing a complaint end around.
There is always the risk that such a tease can go the wrong way, but that's where my two step response comes in. Occasionally I catch my wife in the wrong mood, and she takes a tease (usually one I've said and had positively responded to a number of times) seriously. I immediately back off all the way, saying "whoa whoa whoa, my bad, I was just teasing like usual". Then, if she doubles down, I just calmly remind how the line has been a tease before and, if necessary, explain how it couldn't have been criticism because here's why I don't care about the detail of the tease at all. It never fails (I think because I don't blame her for getting the tease wrong), and that's good because I'd hate to put aside teasing her with the giant smiles and huge laughs I almost always get out of her with them.
(Note that the tease usually comes with a funny voice or similar such thing, aiming all the more to make it clear that it's a tease).
I love that you take exemples from movies, series and TV shows. I understand better the concepts with concrete situations rather than a general "rule". Also these are very good advice for long lasting relationships :)
This is a good list and video. But for the record my parents relationship was “toxic” as hell and they are still together and healthy now after 20+ years. They fought alot but they also fought to be together out of love, their story is inspiring to me and I’m so glad they didn’t split up.
Interesting because a lot of advice especially on reddit is to split up as soon as there's an argument
Fighting like that causes so much stress on the body. And it harms the kids being raised under the toxic environment. It sounds like yours had a good ending especially if their children don’t grow up to think thats normal and themselves create a hostile relationship for years because thats what they were conditioned to see as normal. Unfortunately this is not the reality for millions of others. Fighting relentlessly for years has a huge impact on ourselves and the others forced to live with it
@@oliverford5367Obviously you shouldn't leave your partner after one argument. You can't be happy and in love all the time. .
But if you always have to work hard in a relationship, someone else might be a better fit. Or you'd be happier single.
I've noticed a lot of things that I'm doing wrong in a relationship wiht my mother. I often get emotionally overwhelmed when she criticizes me about my school stuff, and I shut off. Thanks for this video, it's gonna help a lot solve me this problem. And I'm pretty sure if I don't, it's going to be a life-long parasite.
The worst part about this is that all the popular shows I grew up only have the negative aspects of communication, like Friends.
What shows portray the things mentioned in the video?
Drama will always be more exciting than peace - so where relationships are the subject matter, conflict will be displayed much more often in entertainment. That's why forms of entertainment are so rarely helpful. As helpfulness and health increase, the medium resembles education - which is boring because it encourages less dopamine per minute.
People must actually want a long-term relationship to endure and conquer relationship conflicts. Professional help may be needed (or counsel from friends). That stuff is usually not moving the story forwards in fiction, so to see it on camera will usually require non-fiction subject matter. For shows that portray conflict resolution, the best I have seen is shows about marriage: Indian Matchmaking, Married at First Sight, etc. Though any show about relationships, even real ones, is subject to the preferences and goals of the production team. So "reality" shows may hype the conflict to inspire curiosity.
Those shows, usually from the late 50’ and 60’s, back when I was a kid, went off the air when soap operas came into existence. For ever to be replace with the gramma, drama and real life shows we have now. Any wonder why we’re having such difficulties in all relationships?
Can you imagine the hours they spent pouring over clips to show examples as well as to just show in the background? Kudos to you -who ever you are- for the hard work.
I have level 2 Gottman Couples Therapy certification and I want to say good job on this video. It explains the Four Horseman and the antidotes so well and with really great examples.
Coming from an unhealthy relationship and now being in a healthy relationship this list is spot on.
Remindes me of one of the most personally useful books Ive ever read called "Nonviolent Communication"
woah woah woah. "When you use the words always/never to describe something your partner does to upset you, you are prioritizing making them feel bad over addressing the behavior that's upsetting you" !!!
I literally just got into an argument with my friend about her treating her 16-year-old son for spoiling him and being an enabler. This video could not have come at a more perfect time!
But this video is about signs you're dating the wrong person... surely she's not dating her son?
@@nzarzecki sweet home alabama
@@nzarzeckithe person is talking that her friend is raising her son to be a gaskighter
@@nzarzeckiTe person is talking that her friend is raising her son to be a gaslighter
Remember, 'stonewalling' isn't always intended to hurt, but sometimes people need to stop responding before they lose their temper. Pushing someone to respond IMMEDIATELY is not always fair or wise, as long as they can be relied upon to respond within a reasonable amount of time.
My morning alarm going off is usually what signals the end of my relationships...
This is a very well structured video. Thank you for doing it !
I'm going to suggest this video to some of my friends. I wish I saw it before my marriage.
I love videos like this! So often, we accuse others for failed communication when, in reality, there are small behaviors that we could implement that could lead to huge differences in interactions with our loved ones.
Great info! A familial relationship (and other types) can also have these problems, and the prolonged hurt can run deep, especially if you want to keep in contact regardless.
It works 60% of the time, all the time.
10 Hard truths about life you should know:
Life is 5% what happens to you and 95% what you make out of it.
Talent without acting on it is useless.
Nobody will understand the life you desire as much as you.
Don't let people that talk sh*t bother you.
Don't lie to yourself, it will hurt more than facing the truth.
Sometimes the people you love most are the ones you have to leave most.
Consistency and resilience will change your life in ways you cannot imagine yet.
It's not your job to make everybody happy.
You can make people think, but not change them.
Your mind can be your best friend or worst enemy. Choose wisely.
Try to appreciate other's work. So upvote..
I'm 14 and this is deep... Have a Hollywood actress and some child born in extreme poverty in Yemen side by side and tell them the first sentence out loud lol.
@@Piterixos Truth.
I noticed a lot of these in my on again off again relationship I had. When the good times were good, it was so positive and supportive. When the times were bad it was exactly like this, criticizing, stonewalling, contempt. I wish I saw this video back then. Maybe we could have worked it out... 😐
Great video on the The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling by Gottman. I learned so much from their books!
This is really true, and can also develop in people who were otherwise very good at not showing these traits. I recently had a breakup and have only just been able to start understanding this. Earlier in the relationship, I genuinely felt like I was very diplomatic and calm and coming at conflict as a team mate and wanting to ask myself first if I could be the problem rather than presume I’m right. Unfortunately, I kept doing this and my girlfriend did not reciprocate; she kept being overly angry and emotional when discussing things and never took the stance of acknowledging her own mistakes. Over time, this made me begin to show some of the behaviours in this video, which she of course picked up on and pointed out, which made me feel horrible and feel like a bad person. It’s really affected my self-image, yet though I don’t want to find blame in others, I do not recognise I developed these behaviours due to her prolonged inability to take ownership of her mistakes and act maturely with me.
My lesson, communicate clearly and effectively early, but be wary if you start to think your partner is not showing you the same respect and tell them this up front before it becomes messy. If they continue to disagree, consider they may have some personal development to do before they are suitable for a relationship. Otherwise you yourself can become like this and it will really impact your self image.
you have an amazing take on the end of your relationship. you can very clearly understand what went wrong and happened between the two of you, and i hope that brings you some closure. this insight alone lets me know that one day you are going to have a very healthy relationship.
I'm very much like this now, everytime im trying to do communicate. It's me who make him hurt and i need to have character development.
I never in relationship before this. I don't feel like i need relationship yet, but he make me consider perhaps it's my time to learning and face new things in my life.
I talking with more logic bcs im not really understanding or have sensitive feeling, but it's cause him sensitive and now after several month, i'm realizing start to have his sensitive behavior too, and i'm scared unconciously being gaslighter, narcissistic, and manipulator.
Now i'm trying to fix myself to get the track back and trying make this relationship work out, trying to connecting us no matter what the method.
But if it's still doesn't change i'll tryingto be brave, to end this bcs i won't hurting anyone more, my self, him, our parents who know about us, and our close friends that actually affected by our relationship (slightly almost lost them).
Im afraid, I'm egoist narcissistic person hurting anyone.
Well done, I’ll be rewatching this. I have read about the four horsemen before - your examples gave great clarity!
This is honestly very good advice. I independently came to some of these same conclusions as well, and if both people in a relationship can stick to them, the relationship is likely to prosper.
I was in a 8 yr relationship we got engaged last yr broke up a month ago. She had to many problems with my family and wanted me to disown them. My opinion it's very difficult to have a family and not be able to forgive them for things especially when it's not that bad or offensive. She couldn't deal with my mom calling her immature and never let it go. So that is the end.
I hope you don't mind me saying this, but it's probably for the better. Her trying to separate you from your family is a red flag.
@quixotic sonnet, you are right. That's why I'm just going through the breakup process and not looking back. It isn't easy, friend. It ain't easy....
It also might be an opportunity to look at the relationship you have with your family a little closer. If you find similar comments from your next relationship, not the abusive tactics, then there might be a small kernel of truth. I had this happen in a different way and I learned to be openminded and change my behavior and reactions.
If my fiancé's mother called me "immature", and my fiancé didn't defend me or stick up for me, that would be a sign for me to leave the relationship too. It's for the best. I would never let anyone get away with insulting my future wife, not even my family.
"Not that bad or offensive" could be true. It also could be a red flag that you are too used to toxic or annoying behaviour in your family because you grew up with it and she didn't. Your mom calling your partner names to your face and you not standing up to that probably left her feeling unsupported. But I really dont know the full situation, so I'm just throwing those thoughts out there so it ensures success for your future relationship.
This video is more helpful than you know! Keep this content coming!
Great video, thank you for providing more visibility to Dr. Gottman's work.
All of this killed my last relationship, but only one of us was willing to/actively trying work on it. It is so important to be on the same page. Save yourself the wasted time.
Great video, great tips. Thanks for your efforts.
"I'm Sorry YOU feel that Way."
I'm so guilty of "I feel like you" damn.... gotta stay mindful of that
This video is absolute gold thank you for that!
This whole video proved that my previous relationship was about to end 😢 and it did.
I took communications classes and a lot of what is mentioned in these video's are accurate. corresponding to what is taught in college.
Anger turns into bitterness. Bitterness leads to resentment. Resentment leads to contempt.
Thanks for making this video. I am sure that you have helped a lot of people with it.
The tips are on point! My lady and I have been together 12 years now going strong 😄
“You’re psychotic” “you’re hyperbolic.” That’s a perfect response. Funny 😂
Yeah my relationship has all four. I've wanted to bring this up with him but didn't know how to articulate what I'm feeling. This clears up a lot!
You always come through with the great content 👍
ayoo, remember to avoid absolutes
Honestly, this is more helpful as a thing that shows me what I’m doing wrong.
Please understand that you can do everything "right" in a relationship, but if the other person is trying to control and dominate you, you cannot "work it out". I tried the "I feel" method- the response was " I never did that, that never happened, you are ill and not remembering, I'm worried about you". If this is happening to you consistently you cannot "work it out" because it is gaslighting and is manipulative abuse. Gaslighting has devastating effects on our mental faculties and confidence. So remember- you CAN leave ANY relationship at any time. If the other person is really trying to work with you- then keep working on yourself and enjoy!
When I'm wrong or failed, it's so easy for me to reverse blame instead of accepting responsibility. I'm still working on it.
My ex did all of those in a single fight lol seriously run away from those. My wife never ever does that, we are happy.
Well, i have complained about something that bothered me, several times in a calm wa, then it became criticism, and then contempt, and keeping on addressing the same issue over and over without resolving it turned us and especially me into defensive mode, and after months like this, i withdrew from the relationship
Is your Partner Distant? Wanting more & more time away from you then with you, gives you the cold shoulder even if you're trying to be nice? Then your Relationship is on the rocks.
This is a good self reflective video
I followed all the steps, but my one remaining houseplant, Hans, just packed up all of their belongings and left the door open... oh, I'm in a glass cage of emotion...
Helpful lesson learned.
Once the "Honeymoon phase" -- lovey dovey season is over and IF u find yourself bored/stuck in a toxic/non-stop arguments over the mundane things just end it and move on.
Life is way too short to be stress out with a partner/any relationships to try to cope/endure.
Find your own happiness✓
Solitude and peace is the ultimate bliss✓
1) It's my relationship. 100% so far!
Marshall and Lilly are great examples for everything
Impressive methods. Thank you very much.
It might be just my point of view but I haven’t met a partner who wanted to follow the “pause” method.
Also in the last relationship she was self-creating facts. I got destroyed every time this happen.
Excellent watch!!!!!!
Okay but let's not say if a relationship is doomed it's necessarily a bad thing. Ending relationships should be praised just as lifelong relationships are praised.
The one thing I get from this is that Lynette and Tom in DHW as well as Marshall and Lily in HIMYM formed two of the best couples I’ve been given to watch on a screen (tv or movie theater).
WOW. this is gold
One of my pet peeves has always been people telling me never or always.
100%. I wish I've known these earlier.
Excellent excellent excellent video.
Hey! I'm actually reading his book!
Why are some of us like this and some aren't? Maybe the obvious - the people who were modeled healthy behavior in childhood are better? I do all of this in my relationship.
"Calm tone" ...something one of my parents could NEVER do even for the smallest of arguments. WHEW!!! =P
Thank you
Just got out of a relationship, even if you're aware of all of this. It takes a ton of effort to apply this daily. There will come a time when you're overwhelmed by your other responsibilities and it could seem like your partner is asking for too much. Never hesitate to ask for your parents' advice. Never forget the fact that you deserve to be treated with respect. Everything will sort itself out in the end.
Thanks
the defining aspect of a relationship that is not gonna last is wether or not I'm included in it
A lot to learn
what a segway to charisma university, if you don't want to die alone join our program!! lol long time fan of the channel, just saying that is one hell of a sales pitch
One issue I couldn’t prevent from ending my relationship is the so-called boundaries and limits that just kept getting ridiculous. It got to a point where I got off social media and just generally stopped going out with friends and seeing my family, and it still wasn’t enough.
It’s tough to look out for because you ultimately want to respect your partners wishes but it was one thing after the other.
Respecting your partners wishes is all well and good. But if they clash with your wishes, there is a discussion to be had. You are not the only one who has to give in to make it work.
Try to get to the „root“ of someone’s boundary. They want you to get off social media ? Ask them why. Is it because you are constantly on your phone? Or share ‚naked’ pictures? is it because they generally don’t trust you? Or because you’ve been caught messaging other people before? When you actually understand the reason, you can usually find a compromise that works for both partners. Unless it‘s because they simply don‘t trust you. Then that‘s a ‚them‘ problem. If a person is incapable of trust, they will never trust you, no matter how much of yourself you give up.
can you make a video to Ryan Gosling quiet introvert charisma? Because he is really charismatic and i think this community (including me) would like it 👍👌
Well. You could have just @‘d me 😂
Love your content!
Embarrassment can also be a power play by the deliverer when it's constantly done to belittle its reciever, and I see it more commonly than the receiver having a superiority complex.
instead, why go through the trouble at all?
When you realise you've seen your parents do each and every one of these things at least once every single day for the past 9 months...
6:49 never fight fire with fire
Or it will burn on your relationship
Only a Sith deals in absolutes
Wait.. did you just say.. only?
Adam driver... Whoa hey whoa, my man!
Good reminders. I love this channel! And I love my husband! What does "settling" even look like? Why would you even go on a second date with someone who doesn't make you happy? Serious question.
I'm 42 years old and have always been gaslit by my mom. She currently lives in my house and still gaslights. Saying things like "ur taking it wrong," "That's not what happened," constant projection, and downgrading my feelings. I feel like I have no control over my own life.
So there's no good criticism?
It's hard not to do these things. They're obviously natural to the most of us because it's easy to do any one of these in the moment. I guess it's about growing, maturing, being more accountable for your emotional reactions to things. This is behavior most of us have to learn.
I don't wanna lie, i am guilty of "defensiveness". Bruh this is eye opening.
These work in any type of relationship. Really appreciate the explanations and counter tips!
8:54 that is snot stonewalling
It is suicide
Great so in summary be watchful for everything!! Lol
I don’t think Miley’s rebellious immature oversexualized behavior in public at an event on camera in a professional setting where it could reflect negatively on him should be used as example of when your partner acts embarrassed by you. If it’s one person acting embarrassed when you have done nothing to bring attention to them and it’s not your behavior at fault - that’s the red flag. Miley knew she was making him uncomfortable and disregarded his feelings for her own amusement. If her partner had been into it, or blushing but, you could tell he enjoyed it - that’s different. She was giving the red flags, not him.
She's an open sexual human creature and he's a totally different character; far more closed than her. She's a far more exciting person he's more confident and less controlled by banal societal norms. He's a robot basically that's controlled by mediocrity. To be fair she may indeed have done this to prove just how boring he is. To him. Serves him right for dating someone that's on an excitement level higher than he is. He's a dullard.
It really just shows that they are not a good couple.
This is why they say to have a good relationship you need to learn to build a two lane road, So flow of information can be shared, heard and reciprocated. Too many times have i seen friends and family fall out of a relationship because they have a one lane street, Where both talk about there feelings but neither is listening. And if you feel like you are going to be heated about a subject of conversation, Let them finish talking ask to pause and explain i need to process everything you said, If they press you then it could be because you are in a bad relationship as well.
So I'm guilty of stonewalling, I know I do it and it is to do with overwhelming emotions, buts it's no just to protect me. When I get to certain level of frustration or anger, or both, I become very harsh and what I'm going to say is likely to be true. I'm aware this will make things worse and I stonewall at this point. It's like calling a timeout without calling a timeout, that said, I should probably call the timeout.
Often the thing I was going to say is said later in a calmer and less harsh manner when the escalation has cooled off, and when one of us has apologised (we always know who's in the wrong when we've cooled off).
The worst thing about stonewalling is it feels crappy for both parties and the expiry is unknown.