Do You Feel AWKWARD Around People? CPTSD and Why We Isolate
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- Опубликовано: 6 окт 2019
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This really does not speak to me. My problem is that I am so considerate of others that I attract a lot of people who think I am the listening post. They will discuss their problems for hours on end if I let them but have no interest in anything I might say. It is very easy to be too nice in this culture. It is just regarded as weakness and makes you an easy mark. I am getting less tolerant though as I get older and learn more about narcissism. I think this listening post behavior started in childhood because my mother is a compulsive talker with absolutely zero interest in anything I might think or feel and I had to just take it for years.
I totally relate. How about avoiding people like that in future and seeking out those who will listen to YOU. Plus, if someone is going on and on, can you try interrupting them and asking them to listen to what you have to say. If they are shocked or do not listen, then move on. You can be polite about it.
Beee b, Same here. But when I started sharing... Wowsers. Now I have to check myself & frequently don't do it in time. I listen, yet I overshare when I respond. 🙄😕
@@goodintentions1302 same!
@o. t. Do you mean the book For your own good?"
I've gotten to the point of a 180° ... I've outgrown my over sharing & have zero need to share my past anymore. 😁 I'm considering adopting a childhood friend's childhood story if anyone is rude enough to pressure me. 😂🤣
I get I’m weird now. I do, but it only feels safe when I’m alone, so at some points I just need to isolate so I can feel safe again, take my armor off, and just relax. It’s not good for me to be on high alert all the time either.
Agreed. Isolation in small doses is delicious.
John Borland I feel you. It’s the only way I can feel safe too. It’s sad when I think about who I could actually be if my upbringing could have been different. Even although I isolate I try to do 3 good, self care things for myself daily. I don’t always manage all 3. Be good to yourself 🙏🏻
John Borland I completely relate to your comment “it only feels safe when I’m alone” and needing “to isolate so I can feel safe again.” The only difference is my dogs are not part of the anxiety. I can remove my armor with them. The other day, I saw a neighbor walking down the street. I actually hid behind my car so I didn’t need to speak. It’s sad that at my age this is my normal.
I am in the same boat. Life is easier now that I am retired. It is hell when I have to get out of the house like yesterday. The anxiety of anticipation ruined my whole weekend!
@@fredworthmn Crowded boat.
I can "act" well in social situations, but it's always a relief to be done with people and be alone again. I chronically isolate.
Small steps : )
you may need that time to recover but, if you practice techniques Anna teaches, it will likely be less & less and eventually feel like more of a choice to be alone rather than a desperate need to escape (as it was for me)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I’m fine when it’s just one person. Groups i can’t function in socially. I HATE going out with groups UNLESS i know everyone in the group.
Common for CPTSD. That doesn't totally go away but we do much better with it over time bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
me toooooo but i also cant make eye contact like at all ughhhh
I feel I’m good with manners and know how to behave in social situations but the abject inner terror I feel inside is always there behind the smile.
Same. In our family, the presence of family meals proved we had a "nice, normal" family when nothing was farther from the truth! The overwhelming anticipation of the screaming fight sure to follow made meals unbearable. Forced politeness around the elephant in the room.
Learning good manners and how to be social won’t help you heal those deeper wounds. It’s much about learning how to listen to shame without attaching your identity to it
SWS wow this is powerfully relatable. Yes, well-put.
Sometimes I just don't like being around people, it's as though I have to explain why I exist and the reason I'm taking up room on the planet.
same
Yes... I find also people expect more from your existence too when around them. Always demanding more... can't just be there and be yourself without expectations.
My first words when I wake up are I'm sorry. My older sister tells me to stop saying that.
Oooooh yes!
yeah
I feel like a giant 5-year-old who was forgotten at kindergarten most days! There is an almost palpable oozing of gooey shame, and my whole body squirms with discomfort and anxiety. ...Any added pressure, or direct confrontation, and my whole apparatus gets flooded with fight-or-flight impulse, and I either leave or quickly depersonalize in a situation I can't remove myself from. ...I meditate and exercise to reduce my physical stress symptoms, but I have anxiety about the *possibility* of having social anxiety!!! Of course, I just come off as goofy and awkward and inconsistent, but mostly likeable because my genuine warmth and authenticity usually come across despite the puzzling oddness. People who are exceedingly sensitive and empathetic put me at ease, and it's much easier to be fully present. I know I'm not really selfish and self-absorbed at my core, but the awkwardness of social anxiety pulls me away from the needs of others, and back into self-oriented behavior (I'm weird, am I weird, what do I do with my hands, I laughed too loud, does my face look weird when I smile, I laugh weird, why aren't they smiling, oh gawwwdd, I'm so stupid, no one likes me, I hate myself, no wonder people think I'm dumb and weird, I ACT dumb and weird, oh gawwwddd, I'm so awful, why can't I grow up and get my sh*t together like a normal adult, ughhhh) ...I'm exhausted from trying to even stabilize my internal experience, and ashamed of my brokenness. Basically, self-absorbed and prone to isolation. ...THANK YOU for helping us to understand how we got to be this way, and offering us practical tools to heal and grow into healthier, more functional people.
@Sara this is the most perfect description of what it's like! I relate very much and these are the very thoughts I write as fears and resentments before my meditation. Being around people (I'm at a massive conference at the moment) ratches up all the goo. Out comes the paper...
Sara Stepp I think mindfulness would be a great place to start as I get a sense you have a busy mind, mindfulness will be so helpful ☺️
Thanks for being so honest. All this inferiority , we need to overcome it.
Sara Strepp here's one thing you do well: express yourself in writing. You took up on a trip to the middle of your pain and it has been a ride. Thanks for the peep. Take a little comfort in the cliche that each situation is only multiplied by your mind..it's never as bad as it seem. I am definitely not undermining what you feel, it is valid. I wish you the courage to rest.
Sara thanks for so accurately describing what it’s like. Such a great explanation. I’ve been isolating for so long that I’ve taken myself out of situations to analyze so many things, but then the fun is gone along with that. And it’s not like the worry about those things went away, I spend so much time in the past and worrying about how I’m going to make a future that I’m left with no energy to spend on the present. 🤷🏻♂️
Yes! Its like I never received the manual on how to be a real girl!
Everyone around me - my whole life - seems to naturally know how to behave in all situations. For me, its like creating a new path, every time.
I crave belonging to a group, but never feel part of it once I join. So I quit.
Don't give up yet. Some of this can be learned, and some can just be accepted as the way we're made!
Just wanted to say I feel the exact same way. Most of the time I feel like an alien, and im just observing people making friendships and close connections.
Oh, feeling alien is such a good description. Thank you. And I am so grateful for Anna. She makes me feel almost sane.
I just turned 35 last month and still mentally feel 17 because I never wanted kids. Being around my peers who are allll mothers now in their late 20s/early mid 30s is just absolutely weird to me. Who do I talk to and hang out with now? :\
@@sweethope8604 I feel like 17 too and I´m 36. I´m Peter Pan who wants to have fun in an adult society.
I started a college class a couple of days ago. I'm almost at the end of my undergraduate program. Just a few more classes and I'll get a nice shiny degree to mount. This class is an entry-level course, so I'm in it with a bunch of 18-19 year olds as a 31 year-old. I've been in school for a while, as work and life gets in the way, so I can't hunker down full time. I do the best I can. My path has led me here. I went back at 24 and felt semi-normal at the time, as people pursuing graduate degrees were my age. I was still able to fit in with the crowd as a normal student, so chitchatting and making friends wasn't too difficult.
Today, however, I am definitely too old to be mingling with most of my coeds. They're just in a different chapter of life than I am. I sit in my class and my professor tells everyone to greet the people sitting around them. She says 3, 2, 1, GO and immediately, the entire class is filled with the noise of everyone chatting with each other. I look all around me and everyone adjacent to me is talking to someone else next to them. I try to say hello and am ignored. One person sitting diagonal to me says hello and I thought her name was different than it was. I couldn't catch her name through the noise and when I finally got it, she gave me this very quick look of frowning disapproval before avoiding any further interaction with me for the rest of class.
This look that she gave me is a look that I've been given my entire life. It is a snap-judgment that basically says "I want nothing to do with you." Despite having a soft heart and a desire to connect as much as anyone else, people are so quick to decide that I am a broken person and best to avoid before they even get to know me. And as someone who has trudged through life mostly alone, with no partner or children, with a few friends who live far away, and with no family, I have to say, it is extremely lonely, depressing, frustrating, and defeating.
I looked around this room and watched people smiling and laughing like they've known each other forever and felt so alone, despite being surrounded by dozens of people. It is one of the most horrible feelings I've ever felt and I've never experienced it so intensively until that exact time. I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on my worst enemies.
I understand your pain. I always hated I’ve breakers and group work and teaming up because I was picked last and such because people saw me as weird because I’m quiet. I hate that people treat me like a murderer all because I deal with social anxiety. Really sucks especially because I have a good heart and actually care about people just don’t know how to connect.
I'm 38 and I still feel awkward in so many social situations. I've had lots of jobs and friends, but still fear certain situations where I don't know how to act. I even got eloped because I was afraid to have a real wedding. I was scared of having too much attention on myself, and scared of sending out invitations because I was afraid no one would respond, or want to spend money to come to the wedding. I just didn't feel important enough to even ask that people show up. I've always been really uncomfortable in break rooms at work with lots of people or one on one with people I don't know too well. I feel like I never know what to say. I still have trouble feeling like a "normal" person.
Yes, this is very relatable. Please check out the website for more tools and this free course crappychildhoodfairy.com/lp/daily-practice
You described me
sending you all my love. this has been my social experience as well and it's so hard sometimes. ; ;
Story of my life. I'm 31 and somewhere in my late teens, a switch flipped and I've gone from being reliable and dependable at work to a frequent job-hopper. I used to be able to work in small teams, but now I'm extremely particular about the size of the business I will work at.
I got a job at a startup fuel cell plant in Ann Arbor, MI some years ago. The company consisted of some 25 people or so. At lunch, nearly all of them would congregate in the break room. They asked me to join them on my first day, and everywhere I tried to sit, someone would say "That's Chuck's seat," or "Sandy sits there." They made me feel small in the first 30 seconds of personal time. All I could do was sit there staring out the window with a coffee in my hands, feeling alone in a group of people.
After that, I didn't want to take breaks. I just wanted to work. On my second day, one of the team members tapped me on the shoulder at break time and asked when I was going to join them in the break room. I said "give me time, I'm new and don't know any of you yet. I'm trying to learn my job first and I will get to know all you later." She said, "Oh you're shy. That's fine, we'll fix that." I said to myself "You're not fixing anything," and got up and walked out the door.
It's been like this at many jobs since. I'm now working at Amazon, which has little to no personal interaction. TOO little. They treat you like a robot there. But I don't have those horrible interpersonal experiences, so despite coming home every day beat up and tired, at least I don't feel like I'm being cast out like a black sheep, like I don't belong anywhere. Damn, sometimes it'd be nice to talk to someone, make a friend though.
@@du4lstrik3 It's sad how I can relate to this and I don't even have an office job yet. I can foresee myself eventually having the reputation of being that coworker who's aloof, cold, distant, and detached all the time. The stereotypical "all work, no play" kind of person. Maybe that's why I attract so many friends and people in my life that are the opposite of me. I'm envious of people that just radiate with a natural warmth and charm that makes people open up to them like butter. I can't do that, and honestly, I'm growing to the point where I'm becoming okay with this. Natural variations should exist amongst the human population. There will always be a statistical distribution for specific traits, so not everyone will be one variable all the time.
Wow. I searched "adults who isolate" and chose this video and just read some comments. I'm 64, sit at home, every day, hate noise, some food textures. I love my pj's. I go weeks without talking to anyone other than the cashier at the grocery. And I hate bras. It's nice to read the comments and totally relate. And I think people who isolate tend to be intelligent - I am so put off by "chit chat". I'd honestly rather stay home with my dog than try to socialize with people. It's just more than I can take. But I'm going to watch more of your videos and see if there's anything I can do.
Good. you're in the right place @Sandra.
That is me
@@chantal737 Shortly after viewing this video, I watched another about autism in women. I took an extensive questionnaire and it left no doubt that I'm autistic. At first, I was shocked but I realized that it explained my whole life. I don't have to worry about "fixing" myself - I can't. Here is a link to the video if you're interested. ruclips.net/video/yKzWbDPisNk/видео.html
@@HonSkrattar did you see my 2nd comment? I learned I'm autistic. Autistics hate uncomfortable clothing, putting hands in dishwater, everything I mentioned in the first comment. I referenced a video above, if you're interested.
sandra caison you must be my lost twin you got me at I hate bras and my name is Sandra
I feel heard. Thank you. My awkwardness is such a burden and I hate it.
There should be a club just for people like us.Eye contact is optional. Lots of phone booths.
same
Yes it is! It’s becoming an issue with my own family 😩
I just feel really uncomfortable around people. This burden on me and the thing that drains my energy is just extremely tiring. I get unable to think rationally, get nervous, unable to work with teams, I oddly blush, I can't get involved and take advantage of the facilities. It just frustrates and saddens me.
My mother's constant apprehensive and panicky disposition and her need to always keep others pleasant was something I never understand but I think it relates with my sitution. I can say that my mother is not disturbed by her behavior, while I feel an inner, painful discomfort with it. I just want to reprogram my brain, leave it behind and get some mind peace.
I've been isolating for about 5 years now, the longest stretch, and I do feel weird. More myself but very weird. But I can't function around others. I need that space to be alone just to be able to breathe and think clearly. Around others i am so stressed my head is cloudy and i feel dizzy and I can't make proper decisions. So then I chatter too much, and people please, trying to subconsciously control the situation by being whatever they want/need. I don't recognize what I'm doing until I'm alone again. Then I cringe and damn myself for over sharing. Embarrassment haunts me for weeks after a social interaction. It's too much of 'being another person' when I'm around someone else instead of being myself. Who wouldn't be exhausted being someone else all the damn time? But I don't know how to stop, it's so instinctive and tied up with anxiety I can't control it in the moment.
It's interesting to hear it can come from childhood neglect. I did notice when I was around other families as a child they were different. I'd call it "normal" now. For instance I had no idea that when someone says they're going to do something, makes a plan or a promise or anything, they actually do it. I'm still shocked when I meet people like this, people who do what they say they'll do. My mother would just forget I asked or forget she agreed or she would have some grand emergency that was more important, typically "life threatening" and "required hospital". I use quotations because she was paranoid and delusional and made up things, things that weren't true. In fact later she would say she had believed wrong and the 'truth' changed daily. I learned to believe whatever she said was true and that truth changed on a dime. Growing up where what you are told is reality when it's highly irregular and probably not true makes it very hard now.
(ex: mother: "That person is a thieving drug-dealer child molesting psychopath. Don't trust them." Reality: they actually are a perfectly normal person and none of that is true for the rest of the world.) See? My childhood was filled with discrepancies just like that. Now as an adult ... I either don't trust anyone, or I am too trusting (believe too easily- getting sucked into their reality or the lie they want to tell) and it gets me hurt. Liars can lie and I'll buy it while the whole time subconsciously being scared they lied. And people telling the truth might be lying so I'm subconsciously afeared of that the whole time.
Isolating really helps. I don't feel under constant threat from some 'life threatening' ball about to drop. People make me panic because at such a young age all I knew was panic. But now I've gotten so awkward I can't bridge that gap between me and other people. All my social skills seem eroded. I attract inconsistent people who act just like my mother and .... I hate that so I just ... don't seriously try anymore. I probably should address the issue but there are so many issues to address now. It's not a matter of willpower. I struggle just to get through the day.
Getting through the day is a huge accomplishment and one that most people won't understand unless they dealt with issues in childhood similar to ours. My mom was like yours on top of being physically abusive. I wish you continued strength in your journey ❤❤❤
I feel like this is me. I understand 🥺
Wow, the watching others to learn how to act. I really feel that. I’ve been doing it my entire life
Well I give us gold stars for making the effort, @Johanna. Knowing what it was like AND knowing how to act -- that's character!
I agree. I’ve been doing this for the couple of years just out of fear of not drawing attention to myself and looking socially awkward. I thought I was the only one who did this
I have to force myself to be correct in social situations. I am relieved when it’s over. I hate forced social situations at work, such as celebrating somebodies birthday. I enter in the middle of it and as soon as I can I get out.
Forced group interactions can be really hard.
Yes i feel tgis all the time..so insecure and overthinking over analysing everything.. And i feel shame so easily and for a long time afterwards.
Almost everyone I meet they end up either hating me or trying to use me.
This has to be a nightmare.
Same. It definitely is.
You’re really not in the worst situation. A friend I know had a time of severe chronic pain and was abused by people for speaking out on plagiarism. Some Hollywood freaks became obsessed with her and made the movie ingrid goes west portraying her as a socially awkward loser who is obsessed with a celebrity.
While it was the other way around.
People are just awful and disgusting.
We isolate because most people are simply not worth it. It’s not just the ptsd
Connect with socially graceful people.
Guiding principles:
Be gentle with other people
Become trustworthy
Be humble
Pay attention to others
❤️
and then get fucked....all over again
I use to be full compliant in this. Putting oneself aside was automatic as way to survive. I was raised in sociopath narcissist abuse amongst other abuses and I was the scapegoat my whole life. Now I'm more on defensive to protect myself because I keep getting connections online that are toxic... toxic negative drama people... I loathe not being able to control myself when triggered in narcissistic ways again. It makes my other healthier connections even more awkward I feel like an even bigger fraud and defect person. And I expect to lose everyone sooner or later as only a matter of time.
When I was first around a group for child sexual abuse survivors and they got us to do group activity I remember now the complete self loathing low self worth insecurity etc... maybe the group felt more like a family setting for me... and in that setting I'm use to being the outcast the one that is blamed for everything and abused and shamed and dumped on sometimes it was unspoken and other times it was loud verbal or violent. When it was silent you spend your childhood adulthood in the abuse continuing the feelings toward yourself as was done to you by abusers. They can also imply things and your minds already made up to your worth and put blame on yourself. I do that at every group activity or setting. I guess now thinking about and talking about it here has made me see it's a triggering setting for me. Never understood why I get like that in groups of people. I totally relate to comments left here and also on the part in the video where it said if you were ignored when sick or in need.... I was always told I faked things when ever in need or ill or I was told I just wanted attention or I was treated like a plague victim where when sick they blew up a simple cold into a shaming huge diseases and held crosses with their fingers like I was a demon for having it... the whole family agreed to isolate me and stay away from me and avoid me for a week or two. I was constantly told I should not be walking about the house and should barricade myself to my bedroom because they deserved to be in the house more than me and I was to blame for catching the said cold. I could have been 6 or 7 when I first remember this treatment. I remember crying and when my dad got back home after work and I was seeking reassurance and comfort from the only adult who loved me better I needed reassurance I was still loved and wanted but he upon hearing about my cold rejected me too and agreed with the family to stay away from me and it was like the whole family punished me for being sick it was my fault and love was not just withheld but used against me to punish me. But not to teach me anything there was never a teaching rule to punishments and abuse because most of it happened for no reason other than because I existed my presence was there and I was a target. So it was never if I do better I'll be loved. Because just existing was enough for this harsh treatment. It was all I knew. So filling in the gaps with beliefs of yourself and worth was not by chance of circumstances as kids do. Such as blaming yourself when you are emotionally neglected and no one is teaching you about feelings emotions and raising you to learn grow and be best version of yourself. Because it was taught and engraved by clear acts and abuse. I guess existing needing etc will bring the same feelings beliefs with it now as I was raised to believe and that makes it all the more awkward.
@@healingandgrowth-infp4677 girl
Great advice.
“Don’t look at me.” That was my motto as a child and is my motto as an adult. As children, the less interaction between an alcoholic parent, the more likely one is to survive (mentally). This rolls over into adulthood. I’ve studied people for ages but, social cues can be very subtle and varied. Your session today is spot on. Add this to the list: If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. I’m either a wallflower floundering for the correct response or a hyperactive “I know what this!”. Four walls and a door mean safety. And, being in crowds is like a cat walking through a room full of rocking chairs.
I ended up in a homeless situation, and oddly enough identified with them best as, if you get to know them, they are a big group of "us". I am out now, in a an apartment, but/and/hang on to my new friends that are also graduating off the streets. We have created out own cohort, and spend time talking about stuff like this, and encourage each other to stay straight, get back to school, start a business, but most of all go back and help those that aren't out yet.
I am sharing this video with them. Such a relief on their faces when they see they are not alone in this, and yes, someone important out there identifies/feels the same way/understands and can explain where the mess in heads is coming from.
She's great! Very educational, inspirational and helpful! 👏
So glad you got out of that situation and you’re using your position to help others
❤
Very true and relatable
People always have some sort of self-serving agenda. Once I figure it out, I avoid them and when forced, I'll be polite, but that's all. Boundaries are life saving!
It's so true, and the unfortunate part is so do we!
As a kid, I was bullied BECAUSE I was so socially awkward. Found out that I am on the autism spectrum at 53. The source of my trauma was my peers. Now I'm so far inward that I have no idea how to get out. Since I got clean from benzos 5 years ago, I have had no social life whatsoever. Just stay parked on my couch watching videos and playing games. I am not stereotypically autistic--no stimming, echolalia, lining up objects in rows, spinning in circles--but I remain awkward af, with insane problems with noise, light, and tight undergarments. Fck bras! Now what. Isolation is linked to dementia, which killed my dad, and will likely kill me too if I don't check out first.
I know -- bras! Fck them for sure.
:) For sure most Floridian women do not wear them- why wear something that's going to be drenched in sweat and strapped to you all day? Ugh. Braless is best
12 step meetings. Church
@@thecocacolatwinscutecoke6773 ❤️ smart ideas ❤️ Thank you. ❤️
@@ambriadaniels-dovolis7496 But if you're well endowed......quite uncomfortable and would attract a lot of unwanted attention.
I feel like I've been raised by cavemen sometimes...
Me, wolves!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy that's a more positive comparison 😄 thank you btw, your videos really help so much 🙏🌄
Lucilla Sœur de Lumière.......I feel like I was Marilyn in the Munster family......they were always making me feel like I was abnormal, when it was really them.
Bring raised by alcoholics, borderline personality disorder or covert narcissistic. Sometimes means our PTSD causes us to overshare in public due to mass neglect having someone listen to us for a change, then feel ashamed for it, or have our stories used against us. I no longer share. I keep it to light jokes as my armor. I don't think people with PTSD are rude, but being raised by narcissist types, we can mirror them, even though are hearts are morally against it.
@@tiffanyw2557 I feel this point heavy. I was raised by a narc mom up until 12, then had different type of narc parents, which was nearly crippling. I never understood how I was always deemed the bad guy in all those situations, and I was always very quite, mild mannered, got straight As, was morally conscious -- yet I was the scapegoat every single time something went wrong. Although you might never guess it professionally, I am sooo deeply entrenched in loneliness and self-deprecation, and have self-sabotaging behaviors
I am 55 and I am highly functioning AT WORK. It is like my identity, but in my intellect I know I must have more value than my job. I just have zero self-esteem, was picked last for every team in every grade in school, bullied severely in Jr High, no nurturing, and am also an HSP. Now I am a 55 yr old breast cancer survivor...I have been without a permanent job for over 2 years, and I cannot make it through a job interview without having a meltdown. I do kind deeds daily, and have been told I am very warmhearted and kind, however the thought of having to keep up a social life by visiting someone at their house, going out to eat, etc., I just can't do it anymore. I stay in my house 24/7 if I am not at my temp job at a call center. I don't even want to be friends with anyone anymore, but I don't want to be the freak isolationist agoraphobic in my house either. Once again, thank you for your channel, I am happy I found it, and I guess I better find a therapist.
This video hit home for me in such a way that I was crying my drive home from work (I watched it right before I left the parking lot). It was a good cry though. It felt so very validating and it felt like you were speaking to me directly. This is my biggest issue with having CPTSD. I stutter and mumble sometimes, have a weird flux in my tone because of how awkward I am, but yet have pretended to act like I’m super confident and nothing ever bothers me. When really, everything bothers me and I am still damaged from letting people in then getting hurt. I’m a loner by choice. I’ve had to teach myself everything growing up and it’s often been the hard way because by now “I should know”. Little grace from others, but they don’t understand. Thank you for posting this video.
Thank you @Ashley. I relate to you so much.
THIS COMMENT IS ONE OF THE MOST RELATABLE THINGS IVE EVER READ. i feel a sense of comfort knowing im not the only one. especially with the kind of speech impediment. sometimes it feels like the voices cant come out of my mouth. that they're locked inside of me
When I get anxious in social situations I usually tell funny antidotes & talk to much,even in school I was the class clown but inside I was a mess
I feel awkward 100 percent of the time.
Lots of relatedness in this community :)
Seriously about to cry. I knew I wasn’t the only one who had to teach themselves manners and etiquette by observation, but the way you described your background with your parents and grandparents felt very much like what I went through. Thank you for helping me heal.
Aw, thanks for telling me this spoke to you. When it was happening it was really isolating. Here we are. Free!
I used to get old etiquette books out of the library- we didn't have TV and had limited contact with outsiders.
I think a lot of it is not feeling like I have the judgement. It gets exhausting calculating actions that are subconscious for most people
I have been isolating myself for so long I feel like I completely lost any sense of charm or confidence I once had. I either just stopped talking to all my friends or found a way to run them straight out of my life. The only people I have left are the people that made me this way in the first place. I am so alone and I try everyday to connect with people but I can never make it past trivial conversation without getting painfully awkward. I feel like an alien or like I’m cursed. I can’t shake this feeling that nobody will ever care no matter how hard I try, or they’ll just leave once they realize who I really am. I watch these videos looking for answers but at the end It just feels even more hopeless. I often think about just giving up, knowing no one will ever take responsibility for anything regardless. But in a weird way the fact that no one cares is one of the only things keeping me going. I want to be loved so badly I can’t stand the idea that no one would care if I was gone. Regardless, life creeps on day by day but nothing ever gets any better. No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to make a lasting change.
Please don't give up , i will try for you if you will try for me
I understand this 😔
this is me! people think I'm a snob {yes I've been told to my face} I do my best to avoid people for the most part. At 73 I'm not confident that it can work
Hi @Norma, great change is possible at any age. If you long to connect more with people, please stick around and try some of the techniques I teach!
Me too! I'm 72...weird to be socially awkward after 7 decades isn't it? Ugh
I also had to learn by observing others. I am forced to interact with others due to having to work full-time and I always feel like I'm acting in a movie. As soon as I get home, and on weekends, I shut down. I love my isolation most of the time. People are treacherous.
I wish i had someone like you in my life to help me I've been isolating my self for 3 years going into 4 i never go out its like im scared to go out, i feel like everyone is looking at me. I act so weird 😣
If I were in your life, we could feel looked at by everyone *together*. Glad you are in my life here on RUclips. Thanks for your kind words!
but the thing is i like getting looked at or the feeling of it
Thank you for describing so well how we get 'flooded with shame' and want to isolate. It makes job interviews, interviewing to find rental accommodation etc. such Hell.
I've always been so isolated from childhood (no always out of choice), it became a choice as a teenager. It so hard to gain that back which is why I encourage my younger sister not to isolate. I always get so discouraged watching these videos. I get so frustrated with myself and all the healing I have to do. I always feel like I'll be behind my peers no matter what I do.
Hi there, I've been working on healing for decades, including with great therapists, and I'm here to tell you it definitely gets easier if you keep going! Also, the lessons I learned through the pain I wouldn't trade, and have chosen to let it make me a better person, not just broken. Sounds like platitudes, but I assure you I went around like Pigpen with my emotions and social mess for a long time before slowly finding myself. There are plenty of challenges still, but the fact that you look out for your sister tells me you'll get to the other side, too. All I can suggest is to say YES to life more, be willing to make mistakes or look bad, and try out plenty of healing techniques so you have lots of tools in your emotional toolkit when you need it. The more social you are, the easier it gets. And listen to your gut feeling in life, for EVERYTHING. The more you do, the louder it will get. My best to you, you deserve the best!!! 👍💖🙏🌈
PS Stay away from emotionally dysregulated people where possible, and stick close to emotionally regulated people, this has been key for me learning healthy habits!!!!!!!! 😎
These videos fit my situation better than any counseling I have ever done. I go from long cycles of doing well socially, to being fearful of social situations. I have many memories of uncomfortable social situations. Memories that cause me to isolate.
I understand this cycle perfectly! This work has helped me a lot and Anna has been brilliant breaking it down into small chunks. If you want to get going on some real work. I would start with the free course on Daily Practice if you feel ready :)
crappychildhoodfairy.com/
-Cara@TeamFairy
Standing there and taking the abuse has always been my definition of having social graces.. if you stand up for yourself or object to the abuse then you have no idea how to behave in society. this is what I was taught and it's a hard one to unlearn!!
It is hard, but you can do it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
When I was six years old my stepmother left me in a doorway with a note saying not wanted,...
Glad you're here now
Glad you are here now too 🤗
Glad you made it to this point ❤❤❤
I am so relieved I found this channel. I value you so much, I have never heard anyone in my 25 years of life explain word for word how I really feel... I hate talking about my childhood PTSD because it sounds so unbelievable and sounds like excuses to people who haven’t experienced it. I wish I found this sooner, it would have helped save my relationship. Being misunderstood and misinterpreted is the worst, especially when you don’t know how to explain why you are the way you are... thank you!
Glad you are here now!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Funny cause I have reached that point at 45!
For the first time in my life I am socially awkward and unsure of myself. I have isolated myself to a point where I forgot how to deal with grownups!
Thank you!! This hit home. I watch people to see what to do too! It’s hardest when you ‘don’t know what you don’t know’.❤️
When I first started the Fairy, as a blog, I called it "The Feral Girl's Guide." I still want to do something with that title! It had a picture of a wolf wearing a dress, and trying to look pretty...
I'm so glad I stumbled upon this video. My social anxiety has increased A LOT since lockdown to the point that sometimes I can't even enjoy a nice walk; I get so self-conscious my leg locks and I have to calm myself down. The only time I can relax is when I'm home alone. However, I crave and even fantasize about being with other people, and the person in my fantasy is calm, confident, interesting and always says the right thing at the right time.
I found some relief with adult children of alcoholics and I am looking into emotions anonymous. 🤗 its free
@Patricia_Pronto Judy gave some excellent advice, Adult Children of Alcoholics includes dysfunctional families and everyone with CPTSD qualifies. Emotions Anonymous used to be hard to find depending on where you lived but with zoom acces now, you can easily check it out :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@judymanning2538 thanks I will check these out
Thank you for explaining why I prefer to be by myself. I do like people but as someone has already said when I am by myself I can just be me! If that makes any sense.
I'm married and have a deep secure relationship with my husband and mother. I personally love to isolate. I have zero desire to get to know more people than that. I'm comfortable with isolation. I find people exhausting
Be gentle , trustworthy and humble . Keep at least half the focus on others and what they're saying...Good advice
I'm glad you agree. It's helped me a lot.
I haven't met or even overheard a socially graceful person in years! All this despite me working a job with a lot of new customers every day, plus I even moved countries and continents! All I see are awkward people trying not to look awkward, or just plain super-sleazy manipulators.
:)
Yes, this has been my experience as well. It allows me to be more self-forgiving and also patient with awkward people as well. It seems like we’re all just trying something. And the manipulators just cause me to freeze up so they can’t get the response they want from me. I guess this works in my favor. But yes, it seems like generally everyone doesn’t know how to connect with anyone anymore.
I worked with the public for decades, and I learned that often social graces are the spaces people leave you to not be embarrassed, things you wouldn't overtly notice necessarily unless they told you. And those kind of kind people rarely would. Look for those moments of grace by and for others. 💖
Such a great explanation of my situation. The isolation is horrible but. Thank you.
I was never taught - just humiliated in front of people when I screwed up.
Most of us weren't taught either, but we are learning now :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes! I was also humiliated in front of people if I did well!
i just get regulated listening to your calming, gentle voice!
Aw, thank you!
Feel really inadequate around educated people like I have nothing to ofer so I usually start telling cray stories trying to make people laugh. I think it takes the focus off my lack of education.
The more I watch these videos, the more angry i get at my folks. I feel some compassion cuz they were also screwed up. Makes me angry that I had to teach myself how to survive in society. Even now, as I in my 50’s, my mom would still be 100% ok with me staying home all day, sleeping in every day & being “safe” which means alone.
We get rid of the resentment, at our parents and everyone, so we can be free :)
this course is an excellent way to do it, worked very well for me courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/courses/daily-practice
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm really getting into these videos. My MAIN PROBLEM was growing up as a Catholic, going to Catholic grade school and high school, always being berated, punished, shamed and bullied by the nuns and priests and other kids, then going home and having it all reinforced by my parents. I was always pressured to be perfect, but when I couldn't, I was beaten and shamed. Dad was an alcoholic physical abuser and mom was an angry emotional abuser. One funny thing is I became a social worker and mental health therapist, now retired, and I think I did a pretty good job of helping others but did a terrible job of taking care of myself. My education and my family were all for shit. At my age there's not much time left but I guess I'll try to do what I can while I'm still here.
Thank you for this. I was convinced I was the only one like this. It’s relieving and heartbreaking at the same time. I’m not sure I can do this alone anymore, but I’m trying. 2020 is making it so much harder. I only have my dog. I ended therapy today wanting to just give up. So I’ve decided I’ll just have to learn psychology and fix myself. 🤞
Self-directed healing is an entirely legitimate way to do it, but that still doesn't mean you have to do it alone! Come join my Daily Practice course and the community that meets regularly on Zoom to practice the techniques! It's free. courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you! 🙂
@@pearljamin I am on the same page as you... fix myself... however ... not sure what that would look like... it was just y-day that I discovered OPTSD...i knew something was wrong with me.?. Just didn't know what it was.?. This OPTSD speaks loud to me... i think I have a laundry list of quirks that might need to be addressed with the aide of some self-help psychological fixes.?. Can't pay/trust someone to help me with it.?. FOR ME.?. thats the heartbreaking part.?. You what something done, do it yourself.?.
I'm in the state of isolation or being alone. I need it. I just had to end at work. The worst was at the break. It was to much noise, bragging, lack of empathy and comun interess. To me this time of healing and quite is necessary. I don't feel like I belong to this culture, but I try my best. I have a goals, but I need safety in my head and find open mind people.🙏❤
I send my love to you. I"m sure the darkness now in Norway is not easy for a person from the land of sunshine. You sound like me, when things are too much. When I feel this way, it's time to sit down and write and meditate. Have you tried this? bit.ly/2pUeGYz
My feelings got hurt. I spoke about it to anyone who would listen (which was basically everyone) then it got used against me. On top of my childhood trauma. I'm not looking for a pity party, just wanted to share. I'm glad I clicked onto this video. Thank you, things are getting so much clearer. I'm try to save to do your course, but also prepare mentally. I just started Yoga again, heard it's good for cptsd- i never stick to things. But thank you for my recovery road, and many others
Thank you Fairy! I cant wait for your next video! ♡
Im 30 and still looking for a career where i can fit in and not be so awkward. Im considering recreation worker for seniors.
That sounds like a lovely job! I was visiting a loved one in a nursing home in Kent once, and a woman came and led everyone in song. I thought being there would be so sad, and yet I had such a good time. We sang all the songs from The Sound of Music. I was crying and singing.
Hi i realized that recreation entails alot of socializing and making sure each senior is not experiencing social isolation. I experienced loneliness myself and now maybe i xant be happy socializing with seniors! I feel like i dont have strong emotional Boundaries for this job!
I always hear people talk that they feel awkward around me, it feels like I'm not a very pleasant person and people dont enjoy having me in a circle or company, often I would back off and never get involved with people or accept invitation :(
Awkward is quite the understatement.
Thanks, Crappy Childhood Fairy! I feel like you need some kind of costume, maybe some variant of Glynda the Good Witch or Cinderella's fairy godmother!
Yes! I have felt this way since I was very small. :)
One of the worst things my siblings and I could do was to make mom and dad look bad in public. It never ended well. As such, all six of us are chameleons.
Understandable, we learn what we need to survive and then we unlearn what we need to to find freedom. This is an excellent tool bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
What happens when you do this too much... too sensitive to other people’s feelings that you dismiss and shut down your own. Too humble that you’re scared to share anything good in fear of shining too bright and being seen when all you want to do is be invisible. Too trustworthy that you attract all the wrong people who use you as their therapist on first meeting or famously attract people with addition or scammers or just ‘weird’ people asking for money on the streets... I attract those people like magnets (no judgement just telling it how it is)...
Would like to hear your thoughts!
PS another great video, finally someone who actually gets it!
I so have the same question 😕
Everyone says I am so friendly, but I have trouble making friends! I am overly considerate of others. In the work environment, I am not taken seriously and still don't know why.
Have spent years trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I've looked up syndromes like those that describe issues with Avoidance, but did not fall under that category. Your post on Avoidance was spot on. I have found my home.
Welcome Home!
I began to watch your videos to understand my mother who was neglected and horrifically traumatized in early childhood. She appears quite normal at first but for those who know her well it's obvious something is not right. Then I realized that though my parents weren't neglectful or abusive to us children neither were they able to be in tune to our emotional needs and that in turn set groundwork for us to be social pygmys and relationship impaired adults. Unwittingly I did THE SAME THINGS to my 5 children. OMGosh! I has become a generational impairment. I've referred my adult children to you. THANK YOU for explaining what has always seemed to be unnavigable and insurmountable social and relationship retardation.
1. Be gentle
2. Be trustworthy
3. Be humble
🙂
My alcoholic parents were big on social skills, as if knowing how to set a table proved normality. I guess we ALL had some issues with alcoholism. It was a common feature among my friends parents. I CAN set a nice table, I know which fork to use. Unfortunately, my stomach is still in a knot, anticipating the fist fight that was sure to follow. I STILL don't like eating at a table at 61.
I've just went through a big period of isolation because I had a lot happening to me and in my home that just tipped me into a real shame-relapse. I didn't want anyone getting too close and knowing this stuff. Now I'm slowing coming back out of my shame-wounds. To my delight a core group of friends welcomed me back with happiness! I only told one the details because we share details. The other one I just said it was Covid, house issues, and medical issues that kept me isolated for many months. (Proper sharing). Through listening to so much on this channel and others on RUclips, I am able to believe I have value and they really want me back in this lovely circle of friends. I was invited to the Christmas dinner even.. a part of me wants to think I don't deserve that. But I so want to be deserving of these friends. It's very humbling. I feel so much gratitude. Thanks you Anna and team. I just appreciate your healing work so so much. ❤️❤️❤️
Thanks for sharing! So glad to hear your friends have been welcoming, we're sending you encouragement and hope you can overcome those negative thoughts...you absolutely deserve to have friendships. -Calista@TeamFairy
🙏 for this channel, I have been struggling to expose this stuff and find peace in your information. I know this is supporting those struggling.
I was abused and family excusing and/or to sweep toxic behavior under the rug increases social isolation.
I used to go to ACOA adilt children of alkies - long time ago. Girst i had learned there were family “system” problems, so knew i was not a freak. But that was a while ago. Watching these videis is like revisiting my first ACOA days, stop blaming myself for not knowing how to do things, for feeling lost. I had no mentors and models but watched those who looked like they had some social knowledge esp in program meetings. Its refreshing to know others need to learn even as adults how to relate to others. Thank you for the great insights! ♥️
It's a great program :)
Im planning on getting back in with acoa too 😁
There are some GREAT ACOA books out there, really helped me along!👍
This video made me think of a recent situation where I was dressed down by my supervisor, and then ultimately talked to by my program director afterwards, for doing something that did not happen as the client said it did.
I'm a mental health professional working in the community, and someone accused me of allowing "certain things" to inappropriately show through my shorts when in their home. It did not happen at all. But my program director decided to make a rule for me called "no wearing shorts on the job." It used to be a privilege, now I can not wear shorts. And I'm the only one who cannot, my co-workers can.
I argued with her up and down, and the whole time I felt like "what would a person who does not have c-ptsd do in this situation?"
Because I had no sense of any perspective in the matter. I always questioned my judgment and perspective. It got really bad, I was probably an inch away from being fired over arguing with her as intensely as I did. But it was not going to back down.
It has since kind of gone away, now I do not wear shorts n the job anymore. I resent her for it, but I play the game and act like everything is good.
F her.
Hi @Hoy, what a story! I can relate to feeling stuck in a long-term false accusation. Bleh. Good for you though for rising above it. Next year I'll be creating more content about CPTSD at work. Please stick around!
I’m an outgoing individual, however I prefer my isolation. Aside from work, I rarely leave the house. I ignore invitations from friends and family. I’m at war with myself. Sometimes it’s even hard to connect socially with the love of my life. I feel uncomfortable around anyone most days.
Your voice is very comforting and pleasant
I have been isolating for sanity, but also hear the parts of making this a habit and not getting myself out there to connect with others. This was helpful for me to hear, thank you for the encouragement, fairy! 😇🌷
1) so many people are extroverts and often their speech patterns involve talking “at” people, not with them. That’s hard for those of us who grew up invisible. Or for us introverts who may be outgoing but only with people we’re compatible with.
2) I never knew how to set boundaries with people as a “ listener.” But now I do. I either set a time limit. Or choose to spend less time with certain people. Or, give positive assertive communication on what I can do. For example, I recently saw someone whom I hadn’t seen in awhile. When I see her she immediately starts giving me an update on all things going on in her life. I braced myself Lol. She started. I immediately stopped her and said kindly, “I’m sorry, I gave some bad news. I’m not able to receive a briefing on all going on with you right now. When I listen with no reciprocal interest I feel unimportant. But if later you’d like to have a reciprocal conversation, count me in.” I shocked her. I had to run so we didn’t talk further but I haven’t heard from her since.
3) I’m an outgoing introvert and much prefer a back and forth conversation with curious people. Better if 1:1 too. I’ve had to learn that bad company is worse than no company. Happy by myself. Haha. I just never set boundaries with the wrong people before. Now I have. And guess what happened? I spent more time with friends who are a better fit and those friendships blossomed 🌺
4) narcissists control us through dominance. Many of us knew nothing else based on how we grew up. Or felt we were powerless to change the situation. BUT, it’s important to have personal power, personal agency. And right from the start. When a narcissist sees s/he can’t control you, they usually move on. Otherwise, they take advantage of our kindness and sensitivity if we’re not careful.
These are very good skills to have. Growing up my Grandma lived with us and she had a habit of talking constantly. She'd ramble on and on and didn't care what anyone else had to say, she just wanted an audience. If my Dad and I were leaving to go to the grocery store it literally took us 30-45 minutes to tell her where we were going. Absolutely exhausting. Now as an adult I dread being around people who talk a lot, I get that helpless "oh no I'm stuck here" feeling I'd get as a child. It's hard to set boundaries with people like that, especially if they're your caregivers. But it's necessary.
Thank you so much for this channel. You really understand what it is like for the wounded. You provide much insight to what it feels like and how we can begin to heal. You put words to what is going on internally during our anxiety, which is a big step.
Thanks for the kind words for Anna :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
There are just a few people I can tolerate and have a good connection with but I don't want any more people get close to me because it costs too much time to keep up any sort of relationship, the few that I have in my life are already very hard for me to keep so why would I accept more people that I don't have enough time for?
To me it's a waste of my time and energy building any sort of relationship, they always find a way to break it down anyway.
These videos are gold. I don't resonate with absolutely everything you say but I don't need to. You are more direct than most other videos I can find about CPTSD, clear on what to do and not just dwelling in the symptoms. That said I am really struggling right now. I do feel hopeless, mostly because of circumstances that feel genuinely out of my control and I think are genuinely unfair (capitalism, lack of accessible resources in my area, re-traumatizing circumstances that I cannot escape etc). All I want right now is to live somewhere safe where I can heal but for the fourth or fifth year in a row it looks like that's again not going to happen despite my best efforts, so somebody fucking pray for me.
I'll be direct now. Take the free Daily Practice course so you can start rinsing off those fearful, resentful thoughts and make space for new, real-time experiences that strengthen you.
@Crappy Childhood Fairy- My situation is very relatable. I tend to isolate myself a lot when I have or feel trauma or awkward situations. It’s hard to explain but sometimes I don’t want to be around people but there’s a longing for having relationships. I get down at myself when I see happy couples thinking they have always had it good. A lot of times I live my life in fear and definitely can notice I’m not happy
Staying alone is an instinct to protect ourselves and being single is fine if you like it. If you are unhappy this way though, we suggest trying some methods that help heal CPTSD. This is a great start: courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/courses/daily-practice
there is also a dating & relationships course :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes. First time I’ve ever heard anyone describe what it feels like!! Collapsing inside!
Why do I feel uncomfortable around happy people? I hate that feeling of being the weird one not responding positively to happiness. I feel uncomfortable around people who have good relationships with one another. It makes me feel ashamed of myself and less of a normal person, because I have never experienced healthy relationships, not been loved.
So glad you are around to truly help people. I am in my winter of life and to say,it’s been a challenging one , is mild. I tried constantly to improve my feral self and am exhausted. I am now at a place where being alone is amazing. I could not be safely alone for the better part of sixty years. I wanted so badly to be accepted by society so that I could self accept and now, very grateful that I LOVE Myself and don’t need to have people to validate Me. I agree that Isolation is one of our greatest banes and destroyer of self evolution.
Thank you for the young people who are very confused by their reactions and feel broken because YOU get it. We are so far from broken. Perhaps a bit bent😜but colourful and expandable.
Nothing wrong with being sensitive but difficult in a bulling world.
I love this comment!
I love the way you talk to us and explain things so simply! So glad you are here, thanks!
Thank you so much for commenting!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Ahhhh.......another great video by the beautiful childhood fairy!! I like to hear your childhood experiences like this, I don't feel so screwed up. And again, Jim is sooooo lucky
Thank you, Anna. Precisely what I am fighting now.
You are amazing. Even after watching years of self helping videos only now I understand. I am so grateful to you. 💕
Wow, thank you!
Every time I try to socialize I'm so weird and awkward that I humiliate myself so I isolate more. No therapists available in my area and they have never been very helpful anyway.
Wow. This hit the nail on the head. So grateful for this video. Makes me said that I am the way I am but hopeful I can improve
Yes you can!
You're an excellent example Anna, i really appreciate your support. Happy New Year, much love sister 💜
Thank you thank you @Joyful one!
People are exhausting. Time in isolation helps to reenergise us
Lots of similar feelings, you are not alone :)
I dont know how common this is but im a HSP and have just recently been diagnosed with avoident personality disorder and had a crappy childhood, and bullying throughout my whole life.I also register high with all the symptoms of childhood ptsd you have mentioned in your other video.Im really confused as it seems all of these things are very intertwined if you read and study them and compare notes. All i know is ive tried desperately and to the best of my ability for many years to get help through all the fear, anxiety and pain and either am not taken seriously,get gaslighted or misunderstood and fall back into hopelessness.I even walked away from the psychologist who diagnosed me with avoident personality as he told me the psychical hidings and emotional abuse i got as a kid even though it wasnt right, was normal/excepted for the 70s and 80s and i was somehow holding on to the pain for no good reason, when lots of other kids back then got the same or similar.I feel angry and pretty devastated from the last experience and i am so reluctant to get any more counselling.From someone that knows where im coming from what would you suggest i do? and are all the conditions i mentioned above possibly childhood ptsd or 3 entities in one.Any suggestions would be really appreciated.Thanks.
My suggestion is to not worry much about diagnosis. They will vary widely depending on who is doing the diagnosing. Just focus on the symptoms you have, and work on calming them. if you'haven't tried it yet, you may want to check out my Daily Practice. Free mini-course with techniques I used to recover: bit.ly/2pUeGYz
Thank you. Been there done that. But, pre Covid, I liked the experience of being with people. One thing I notice in the comments is this lack of knowing that they have value to other people. Sometimes, I have a conversation with someone just to practice having a conversation with someone.
Good idea
-Cara@TeamFairy
I seem to attract people who think I am their free therapist. I cannot take their pain in addition to my own. None of them really ever seem interested in fixing their problems, and they sure as hell don't express an interest in mine. It's just a lot less bullshit to just be by myself.
I always felt scared of my parents (alcoholic, mental, emotionally abusive neglectful mother), dad enabler. Sister a narcissist. Old muggins here at the bottom of the pile getting punched down from that lot. So I always fear women (even though I’m sexually attracted to them), “adults” in general, and authority figures. I was Terrified of teachers, lecturers etc. so I’ve hidden my self away. I’ve got lost in cannabis abuse as a coping mechanism/escapism. People thought/think I’m gay because if been single for so long. Which in turn makes me hid away even more.
If it wasn’t for me getting involved in the rave scene in England in the 90’s/early 00’s I would of never of gotten a girlfriend. MDMA was ubiquitous on the scene. It freed me from my anxieties etc. I could connect with girls, I had relationships finally.
Though I’ve moved away from the scene years ago. Not a healthy thing to rely upon.
Now I’m back hiding away. I’m always amazed that people do actually like me. I do actually get on with people. Though so many psychological barriers remain, which I try and chip away at. It’s such a mountain though.
hang in there!
Beautiful story.... love the vurnability...you are very graceful! You are incredibly intelligent Anna!
Thank you for your kind comments @Kasia_D. I'm very glad you're here!
You have switched my light on . You said the word ( I needed to describe how I’d been made to feel over years) SHAME , my father, his mother , my elder sister LOVED to make people ( me in my case) feel SHAME ..that’s the very word I need . I could only ever explain it as and liken it to Belittling ( similar I guess) …they enjoyed making me feel Shame ..it’s am ‘ I’m better than you’ shame feeling . Thank you So So much . That word shame ( we are not talking the shame of someone or something that that word warranted , we are talking small stuff, stuff that couldn’t be helped or avoided ) … I’m lite up now , that’s exactly how my family have operated.. verbal bullies . My mother and I had a often volatile relationship…she must of learnt to defend herself against my fathers need to make her feel shame , superiority over her..hence her spiteful tongue..fight or flight ! Bless you ..I learn so much from you . Xx
Thank you for existing 🥰💋🙏🏼
I have painful periods of time where I lose faith that my family loves me.
I don't care to be around other humans anymore. It is too much work, everyone dumping their trauma on the other. I think i am best a recluse because i cannot deal with human interactions. I have been bullied my entire childhood and now i do not care to try to be around people. I long for human connection, lightness, and happiness but i don't know how to make it happen
Tipping triggers me. I try to avoid restaurants where you have to tip -
40 years ago when I went out to pizza with my ex and his family for pizza, I used a fork.
They laughed at me for that. My parents are both introverts and both overly polite. We were taught that to defer to others. They never sweared , are well- read college educated, no drug addiction or alcohol.
However, there were poverty issues , shame based dynamics and so we never went out to eat . Not even Mc Donald’s.
My parents stressed humility- so I can not relate to much of what you were saying except being awkward. I was quiet and was taught not to be the center of attention. I feared the spotlight.
At any social situation I had to partake in, I became the servant and served everyone. I felt more comfortable having a job and would find one to do.
Personality is part of this puzzle too. We react differently to our home lives.
Thank you. I am new to your channel and finding your content both helpful as well as insightful. 🙏🏻🕊
Thanks!