How to Tell the Difference Between Breadcrumbing Vs Moving Slowly in a Relationship
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- Опубликовано: 4 ноя 2024
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How to Tell the Difference Between Breadcrumbing Vs Moving Slowly in a Relationship
In this video, I'm gonna talk about casual contact vs breadcrumbing and what it really means. This is important for people to figure out if they feel their potential partner is not really interested, but they want to make sure the relationship is simply moving slowly. Enjoy!
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Thank you for watching!
Got sick of celebrating minute gestures of affection, or feeling like walking on eggshells when I tried to give it. Or waiting about for long-delayed promises. And weird friend-zone, non friend zone states. I deserve more after 9 months. I wish I could but it's too emotionally draining!
You deserve reciprocity, respect, clear communication. Anytime you can’t express yourself authentically is a sign something is off. It’s an emotional rollercoaster.
It might be easier because I'm a guy and I'm more inclined toward decisiveness. After binging on attachment styles here a few weeks back, I was able to see the pivotal moment where the FA girl I was in a situationship with was going to pull back (she was getting anxiety because she started feeling butterflies in her stomach 🤦🏻♂️😑). I got all the warped future vision of how this could play out if we played in that timeline, and it was nowhere.
I decided then and there to treat her pulling back and complete break and rejection, and went through the whole heart break process. Binging on heart break music and sad romantic movies all in one go for like a complete week. Use that to get clarity about my own future and use that pain as a reflection on myself for motivation to move forward.
I'm not into Tarots (FA girl was), but oddly it helps me create some closure in my own head. I try to feel all my pain and emotions, yet find things that give me a moments peace. I feel there's a balance with that.
Also like you I was sick of walking on eggshells, friend-zone protection shield to protect their heart, show me her ass and pinch my ass one second and can't even touch her without feeling uncomfortable the next. One of the things I empathize with her is that she doesn't want to pull me in to her challenges because she intuitively feels that it will be hard for both of us. Though she didn't exactly communicate that, I realize that during this little break.
With making up a breakup situation in my head, I got to establish what I want. Maybe easier as a guy, I'm not going to not accept any friend zone gestures, or walk on eggshells. I need to be me so i can feel comfortable myself and I'm not going to apologize for that. My presence triggers her anyways, so I don't have anything to lose.
You should know your self-worth, esp if it's the power struggle stage. If they really like you then there's only 1 of you in this world. With my situation I can only do me, and have good wishes that she does her. She knows that there's only me in this world and the only positive impact on her life, but she's confused. So I'm reframing the situation from: "when will I hear from her?" to "Go ahead. Push me away. I dare you not to miss me."
@@evie9239 I've worked hard over the years to be secure. It helps that I have an unusual outer calm demeanor 99% of the time.
I'm not a woo woo, or lovey dovey guy (but I can be romantic), but it was my fortunate and unfortunate luck to meet this FA girl. I have no other explanation but it feels like it was some divine intervention at play. Insane and intense chemistry from the moment we talked, yada yada. There's rational explanations on this, but it doesn't exactly solve anything 😂
Then after the dating phase, it went to the power struggle phase, and I got to feel the emotional rollercoaster. My situation feels like the universe is using me and the FA girl like characters in a romance novel.
Since I'm in this universe's romance novel (and possibly her love story in her head), I'm going to play this story out. I might as well be decisive since at least I know where the story will eventually lead.
For you, start healing and find out what you really want and be open to possibilities that can come your way. Limbo is an everlasting state of torture, so moving away from that will help.
Truuuuuueeee I've been in the same situation as you! SO GLAD to be out of it, even though I'm still grieving!
@@SK-no2pp WOW "anytime you can't express yourself authentically is a sign something is off" well said! Thanks so much for this!!!
Love this explanation! The way I put it is in the specifics. Breadcrumbing is I’ll call you later. Moving slowly is I’ll call you tomorrow around 3, and they actually do. Also love that you stated the importance of not betraying your own boundaries.
Right! This explains why I felt so pushed aside. It's not "I miss you", it's "I want to see you tomorrow."
It’s so scary and disheartening moving from a life of breadcrumbing to something potentially healthier but just moving at a much slower pace. Your whole barometer is broken.
Exactly what I needed. I gave her one full year to put on the skates but in the end it was bread crumbs for the entire year. It's hard not to take it personally... Yet goes to show my resilience lol. Thanks for clarifying. It's clear I deserve much better.
Same, And after all that hard work I found out he was cheating on me with people. So heartbreaking.
@@jessd956 aw girl!!! That's fucking ratshit. I'm sorry to hear that, I hope you are in a better part o your life now
I’ve lost 3.5 kilos and become an alcoholic after five months! You are a hero!
@@jessd956 I have my suspicions!
You can walk away from the relationship knowing that you gave your 100% 🙌🙌
These thoughts and experiences are a result of your childhood environment where you were invisible, uncared for, and ignored.
If a parent was unable or unwilling to be emotionally available, to mirror and tune into you when you were a small child- helpless and dependent on them. You likely felt invisible as a kid. Parents are our first teachers of love- how to be loved, what love is, etc.
Many people slowly realize that their romantic partners most resemble a negligent or abusive parent, and that they are only repeating the past in the present.
Even our thoughts and inner voices may sound like them.
I have been dating a DA for over a year and what Thais says is sooo true. What it always backed him up was consistency. I am an AP so the way to find out if we were on the right path was confronting him and have a calm and no judging conversation about what I was expecting vs what he was ready to give. I’d say to not take things personally, it’s his pace and he will open up when he feels safe. I’d say focus on making sure your own needs are met and express them to him/her. They are highly sensitive people. He took time to be able to tell me the “I love you” words and now he says it everyday 🤗
DA and highly sensitive? Wow never heard that before. Every DA I meet does not give a sh!t about others especially others feelings.. :D
@@beyond3d344 only if they are unhealthy and unwilling to change or heal
@@beyond3d344 DAs are highly sensitive towards themselves and any form of criticism. They are like babies who expect to be fed and cared for without even verbalizing their needs bc they expect it but don’t have the programming to know that it has to be reciprocated. It can be very frustrating bc they don’t see it and when their partner gets upset and says they’re selfish or stingy they feel like a bad partner and they deactivate and the vicious cycle continues .
Wow that's great to know , how long have you been dating
@@carolinelaronda4523 Wow, the baby analogy is perfect. They expect to be cared for without communicating, like babies.
needed this today!! Thank you! Fearful avoidant here - automatically assuming the worst 😳 working through it though! Thank you!
You're more than welcome Gracie :)
-PDS team member
^THIS!!! I've been needing this
I'm over trying to prove to people that I am deserving to be paid attention to and cared about and to take up space. At this age Im demanding respect and effort because I know I deserve it.
I consider it two to three word responses is bread crumbing. Building tension and excitement only for a letdown response. Not always. But generally, someone who is excited and planning to see you will not 1. wait a long time to respond and 2. give short answers when they do. It can also happen in friendships, unfortunately when they give a short response like hmm or huh. lol I am sure that there is much more to it, but you can really see it by the level of effort. Breadcrumbs also happen when they continuously setup dates and times or ask you if you're available only to never follow up on it, with no explanation - whether it's game playing or unintentional, it comes across as low interest or using it to lower your self-esteem so they have more power in the dynamic.
This is familiar to me. I often get messages that are 4 words long. Then hours in between them, the longest I've been ghosted was 48hrs no contact.. meant to be in a relationship, it upset me so much, but that didn't matter to her because her feelings were bigger and more hurt because I stayed 1 night at my best friends house as her father in law had just been buried that day I mean wtf, this mate was there for me long before this DA mess.
Also the let down after planning to go away for months then they change it, there's so many ways they try to cut you down. Narc tendancies much
Love this explanation! The way I put it is in the specifics. Breadcrumbing is I’ll call you later. Moving slowly is I’ll call you tomorrow around 3, and they actually do.
I agree! I got 'soon'. And soon was either 5 days or up to three weeks... Sorry but not going to work for me. Especially in a pandemic and long distance.
@@evie9239 I’ve had similar experiences! You deserve someone who can be consistent and communicate the need for space. Someone who wants to put in effort and lets you know where things stand. Remember to state your needs and boundaries. Compromise only as necessary and when it feels right within
It’s so crazy how I think of stuff and then I get a notification of a video from you 😂. This has been on my mind for a while and it’s so hard to decipher between the two.
We know what the people want! ;)
-PDS team member
Me too!
My DA went from sweetly naive about relationships and moving very slowly, to breadcrumbing and keeping me around as an option while he dated other people. This wouldn't have been a bad thing since we never talked about being exclusive if he didn't clearly lie to me. He said he was one place but his own dating app showed he'd been active in another location. THAT is manipulation and not naiveté.
Any update?
@@FM-zg5hz He officially cut things off with me 2 months ago and we have been No Contact ever since.
Sorry you went through that. Maybe more than a DA, more of a narc or just a nasty user. Glad you are free of them!
Thank you for making this video Thais. It is very helpful. I've been keeping myself from reaching out for 3 weeks now because there was no reciprocation of efforts & consideration. It didn't feel good to reach out anymore and it felt manipulative. When I started going NC it was painful for me but now I feel more peaceful with my decision & it's clear that I was receiving breadcrumbs.
A true professional, you're smooth with making points come across, the ice-skating analogy helped me see things better.
What a brilliant analogy! He definitely put on his skates, but no progress, so I've stopped it for my own sanity. It is painful, but I'm pushing through. Push and pull for 2 years. He started skating quite well this time, but no further progress. Dismissive avoidant or emotionally unavailable, I'm not sure.
After months of dating he still has not called me, just texting. At first I was thinking ok, take it slow, but later I told him that I prefer talking and he said he doesn't have time and too many people tries to call him and he avoids that. I was laughing at his words and soon I cut the connection. He did not show he is serious about me.
Good for you!
If they are denying physical affection such as hand-holding, a kiss or hug, leave.
I think that breadcrumbs are given because it's an options game. When a person shows you lack of effort respond in kind. It takes 💯 from both. Not 50% from both.
60% female effort 40% male effort. The female should always be looking up to the male and constantly seeking his validation and approval.
@@CitiesOfAshYou know nothing about evolutionary biology, lol. Are you even a mammal? 😅
How many of you have been skating at snail-pace next to a DA for months, only for them to suddenly run back to the podium without a clear reason? 😅
Anyway, good video again ❤️
Yep of course. Only for him to put his skates on to realize he doesn’t even like this sport lol.
Wdym run back to the podium?
@@garrettmatheson1780 I mean, he tried ice-skating (dating) me, then after months of me being patient, he suddenly deactivated - didn't want to date me anymore ("left the ice skating ring and ran to the podium" lol)
Me!! 🙋🏻♀️ My DA ex begged me to stick with him and give him more time and then suddenly broke up with me. Now no empathy. One and a half years! It makes me ill.
@@phoebe7534 Same exact thing happened to me!
Having been through this type of relationship, Thais is absolutely right about pulling back .... If the relationship hasn't progressed and you aren't sure what's going on (and he won't give a definitive answer) YOU need to pull back: get on with your life, work some overtime, be busy with other things at weekends so he can't have access to you, make arrangements to go and see friends - ANYTHING so he can't get to you. This will make him think about what he wants and if he wants you he'll up his game: if he doesn't - well, there's your answer. Dump him.
Focus on things that meet your needs that you long for from them - this will give you more strength to face ending it if needed or take pressure off them so that they feel safer to gradually build up relationship w you. The needs course in pds is really good for figuring this out or the breakup course for what needs you get or try to get from them.
Pretty good tactic unless the thing you miss are sex and intimacy. Those are not typically things you can get from someone if you are still in a monogamous relationship.
The inconsistency to sticking to plans, the vagueness with plans, and the indirectness to making plans was all too much for me personally. I’m a FA leaning secure with a DA ex, mutually split after 2.5 years. Her inability to work through these things and/or recognize she was doing them left me so resentful towards the end. The skates weren’t on, she was too scared. I sacrificed my own boundaries to make it work, and that is admittedly my fault. It is such a contrast to the relationship early on, I was pursued HARD initially. Would have never expected the long term relationship would flipped in terms of who’s pursuing. I hope she can heal herself and become aware, hopefully those hard conversations and time alone will get through to her. One can only hope, but I choose myself now.
Any update?
I’ve always thought there was a lot of value in you sharing your story 😊 you are so authentic and genuine that it gives us real tangible evidence doing the work WORKS!
Very very good advice. As an aa, I struggle with slow pace where it feels like I am game playing but you need also to take care of yourself.
The boundary between game playing/manipulation and honor your boundaries and moving slowly - its a hard distinction sometimes.
If you're uncertain, you shouldn't be in it, even with one foot in. Period. Get both of your feet out of the box. Intermittent reinforcement is often the sponsoring behavior behind from this psychological dilemma and it keeps the other person pulling on that invisible lever in order to earn that tangible reward. It isn't fair and I've been on the receiving end of it. Never again.
Why not skate with someone on your skating level. Propping up, picking up a potential partner is not a reciprocal relationship. Anyone can put skates on and drag you down with them. Maybe they should learn to skate first and stay in their own lane until they're ready to skate hand in hand.
The metaphor in this video is breaking down. The question about breadcrumbing vs moving slowly is "how much work does it mean they're actually making an effort". And putting the responsibility on you to state your needs is fine, but how much signs of trying does it count as actual trying as opposed to breadcrumbing? This question isn't being answered here.
Yes 🥺
I will bring this suggestion back to the team!
-PDS team member
Love this! Would you be able to suggest a few responses to someone who is being a breadcrumber to respectfully say 'this isn't working for me, I'm moving on, light and love, goodbye'. Or if you've already touched on this somewhere else could you suggest the video to point me in the right direction, please? As always, great content, thank you!
“It’s up to you to own and honor your boundary”
FA leaning DA and I want that statement tattooed on the inside of my eyelids so I can see it and be reminded of it often 😅🥰✨
Joined the school and it is so worth it!!!
Thais, question for you if I may. How do you change a mindset from "Why bother trying again if I will get hurt?" to more positive. I am DA to the core although your test yields more FA (not sure why). I was talking to my best friend (male) he says that I project that vibe "just stay away from me". I know it's a lockdown and etc, perfect time to work on things. Thank you! Thank you for this video, by the way. It is very clear!
Woman you are teaching us how to be patient. And I just can’t do it.
Patient but also withholding your boundaries and standards. It’s more than just being patient. Sometimes it’s best to move on and recognize the relationship isn’t working out.
You’re so brilliant. Thank you!!! ❤
Fantastic. This answered my question. I really can't be sure what was going on with my ex, if being hoovered, I'm going to accept answer that it didn't feel good and I'm going to declare it breadcrummjng and DA looking around. Important to know I must honor my boundary.
Happy you got your question answered :)
-PDS team member
Brilliant analogies! Plus fully "they've built their skating careers..." 😆 So clear and to the point - thanks!
I needed this video! Haven’t even started listening but I hope it’s answers my questions ❤️
I needed this right now! 🙏💚 I am a DA and I struggle with creating these scenarios in my mind of a person I like but only if there is some huge hurdle between us and come up with a million of excuses for not dating people who live close to me...what can I do? It goes without saying that I barely open up to someone emotionally unless they live on the other side of the planet...Thank you
Your welcome Nicoletta :)
-PDS team member
@n.c.6211 how is it going? Good on you for watching this videos. Did you join PDS to get more support and healing? Amazing how much it can help.
5 months later I’ve become a skeletal alcoholic. Definitely not healthy so I’m pulling away after communicating many times. FA here who has deactivated.
Love this video. I’m going through this right now and I was unsure but now I know that she really wants to take it slow with me and I’m willing to do that
Your videos are so helpful! I'd like to reccomend perhaps a new microphone as the sound isn't as clear, is a little sharp or trebel heavy, (harder on the ears) which takes away a little bit from the awesome content and messages. Thank you for your work! 🌻
Yes I saw that question in the face book group and I thought it was a great question
Very well explained. Thank you
That makes lots of sense. I always wondered how to tell moving slow from breadcrumbing. Thank you for the explanation. 😁👍
Great video 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽❤️❤️❤️ really needed this to set MY boundries 🌹❤️
I’m def getting breadcrumbed. Very bullshit. If someone likes you and is interested no matter how busy they are they can make an effort to reach out.
Thank you for this. This had recently came up for me with someone I’m dealing with.
My ex gf dumped me over a year ago because I didn’t put effort in & I was emotionally unavailable….she reached out to me 3 weeks ago after a year of no contact at all . She’s been a little flirty & friendly, she will reply & then disappear for a day or 2 before responding “heyy! Sorry I’ve been so busy” been a cycle for about 2 weeks now. I said we should hang out if you’re feeling up to it to catch up , & she said “we should hang out!” When I asked her when , she said “she’s not sure but she’ll let me know” she said that twice , I offered my plans for the hangout/date & she said “those sound like fun! Can I let you know when I’m free?” This is where I’m at now…is she confused & has her guard up because I hurt her when we were together ? Or is she doing this for another reason ? what should I do ?? Please help cause I’m lost & have no idea how to proceed. Should I just be patient with you & take things slow or ignore her texts & cut her off & walk away ? I would love to try again with her .
Excellent video. Perfectly timed for me! Thanks!
No, I don't see him putting in any effort. Nothing has changed after almost 3 years. I'm FA and I think he's DA. I've just about reached my limit.
Curious if things are any better a year later. I’m in a similar sitch. 💜
Good skating analogy.
I’ve was wa ed to in the stands for almost a year and now just letting her go to breadcrumb someone else. No words, texts or other communication. Just radio silence. Bye bye DA.
I am literally a figure skater of 12 years and a former coach :) ⛸
This was great, thais. Thank you. ❤️
What is each attachment styles monetary expectation from their partner.?
Oohh that's a good question since money is a form of security and safety, as well as a love language (as in gift giving) and each attachment style views those differently.
@@K-A5 I have been broken up with because of this by an fa or a da I m not sure
3.5 years and still not consistent. In and out super quick. I never reach out and have explained that doesn’t work for me yet he still tries about every 4-7 weeks. I have blocked etc. he just won’t give up
Very helpful distinction.
This was very helpful information.
This is going be the lamest comment ever but when that guy at the beginning booms "SO WHAT'S YOUR BEST RELATIONSHIP ADVICE" I get so agitated because if I'm listening to it in a place where others are 'close' by I get caught of guard and feel really self conscious all of a sudden... am I the only one ? XD your channel has given me so much though
haha too funny. I'll share this with the team :)
-PDS team member
U r a saviour thais ....but i ve language problem...i ve to improve American English
Very useful video!
At least when you are skating you're at the very least moving forward!
Something new im learning!
I find the timeframe tip extremely helpful
thank you for your contents. your voice is caught in the throat, I havo no intention to undermine the value of your vids, it often happens when there is a lot of unprocessed grief, sadness, regrets and/or when you can´t feel your feelings
This is very interesting.. thank you
Great info.!!!
What if someone has taken the attachment style quiz and they got anxious preoccupied but they give off more DA vibes? What then?
So, communication in a relationship takes a month to six weeks? I want him to call me at least on the weekends, if not everyday.
I need this video , I’m so confused right now
We did arrange to meet but he cancelled . Now he’s left me wondering what the fuck , he does message me and we can have a great flow of conversation and then he goes cold or distant . I don’t want to be took for granted and that I’ll be there when he feels he wants to message me , which is sometimes every other day or every 2 days, I never message him first , I’ve got other options
My mum keeps telling. Me to take it slow , I want to take it slow but don’t want to be used for validation
Any update? I’m in the same boat
@@FM-zg5hz we got together and then he bolted before Christmas
He was scared of commitment
From my experience don’t do it 😂 xx
Dang this is a great video! I always wondered
How long do I wait for her to show up ?
Thank you ❤❤❤
What if you married to someone possibly breadcrumbing you ?
She moved sooooooooo sloooooooooooooooly AND breadcrumbed me 😣
What is your ethnicity/race Thais? You’re so pretty 💕
She looks white with self tan and lip filler and extensions - gives her an exotic look w hey big blue eyes . She’s very pretty .
Can you share your thoughts during the undergraduate into graduate school transition going into psychology
i hate analogies