if you have to sacrifice your voice, to "keep the peace," it was never meant to be peaceful. the narcissist is manipulating you into internalizing the chaos instead. an environment that is not safe to disagree in, is not an environment focused on growth - it's an environment focused on control. cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
That goes for politics as well although I don't want to get into politics here but yes more and more people are feeling they are not allowed to speak out peacefully
@@cecillebalignasay7358 I made my ex narc a shirt last Christmas (which was also his birthday which he also hated so he ruined the holiday for me and the kids)that read Mr double standards on the front and Mr contradiction in the back,that's how bad his double standards were,he could do and say things but how dare anyone else
I UNsilenced myself one year ago. I practice radical acceptance daily. I have been able to cut my antidepressant dose. Grey or yellow rock daily. I haven’t let myself get goaded into an argument when the narc is itching for one. I “let him” argue with himself, be mad at the world, miss dr appointments, get the wrong items at the grocery store,etc. I feel stronger. More me. I am quiet around him. I don’t share anymore. It used to make me sad. I hoped he would change. Pfffffttttt. Now I go out the door and think “I’m free to enjoy myself”.
I remember one time I made a mistake in front of my daughter and my then 3 yo granddaughter. When I realized my mistake, I called myself an idiot. My daughter then asked me if I wanted my granddaughter to learn to talk about herself that way. It was a wake up call
Dr.Ramani! I was just disgarded after putting up with narcissistic abuse for 31 years. He left me three weeks before my mother died knowing that she was dying. My "light" is low and I am desperate to find myself again. Thank you for this incredibly accurate and validating video. I pray with everyting in me that my "light" will shine again.
It’s crazy how when she talks she’s putting into words exactly what you’ve been experiencing and it’s like Holy Cow somebody understands and has words for what I’ve been going through!!! Amazing!
Growing up, I felt invisible. As a teen, I didn’t trust my mother to care about my safety. Even being raped by a friend of hers, I turned the blame on me. I never believed myself to be lovable after that. I kept trauma to myself. Getting away from my family of origin at the age of 49, was a godsend. 18 years later I begin to learn about narcissism. Holyf#%k! I have grieved for nearly a year. And I am starting to feel healed, lighter, free. Thanks to this channel and others like it.
Magnificent gratitude beautiful SOUL, thanks 4 sharing Ur beautiful experience, I am only out four months and he's driving me crazy, trying 2 divorce but it's crazy expensive, but at least I am safe and away. U R AMAZING, U KEEP ME INSPIRED TO KEEP GOING, IT'S BEEN UGLY & he's killed my chickens and my cat and moved in another family and destroyed them too. They stole my stuff and he's blaming me for not taking what I valued....It was my life I did value so I know I'm better off without the stuff, he can never take my memories ❤🎉❤🎉❤🎉 UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND HAPPINESS FOREVERMORE 🎉🎉🎉
@@flightmama3191 your life and having the future of your choosing is THE most precious and valuable thing. I had a terrible sense of the appropriate type of person I was so I couldn’t choose a decent person. It was learning to be me and value me AND learning about narcissism that healed me.
I got away from my narcissistic toxic family a few years ago after 60 years of abuse from all of them and/or their spouses. Kept telling myself it was me until I went into marriage counseling. WOW. Were my eyes opened. Many books and years of counseling later I’m finally getting healthy.
Much sorrow for what you had to endure ❤️🩹, but many, many kudos and admiration for what you’ve achieved and will be able to do from this post on! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
This rings so true in my 30 year marriage to a covert narcissist. By the time I dragged myself to a therapist in complete despair and hopelessness and deep depression, and then, after her immediate suggestion that I go to an Al-Anon meeting, it felt so odd to talk about myself. My throat and vocal cords actually felt weird, like I didn’t know how to use them. In fact, I had stopped talking about myself years earlier, because I was immediately put down or mocked or belittled by the narcissist. I had silenced myself, just like Dr Ramani is saying. I learned early on in the relationship that I wasn’t safe unless I self-censored. Of course I didn’t know this at the time. But I sure know it now! Thank you Dr Ramani.
Over the past number of years, I've read a LOT of books about narcissism, narcissistic family abuse, and how to deal with and heal from immense narcissistic abuse. "It's Not You" is THE BEST and the most in-depth book diving into the "brass tacks" on all levels of all the insidious and myriad ways that narcissism confounds, disregulates, and discombobulates you, changing you emotionally, mentally, and socially. This new book of Dr. Ramani's, "It's Not You" is a MUST READ to understand it and heal from it! Thank you for writing this book!!
There is no negotiating, compromise in a narcissistic relationship. You are left with a their way or the highway relationship and since you care so much you begin to blame yourself. It is a great moment when you can distance and see yourself coming back. The hardest part is getting to this point. It feels unnatural in the process.
Reading this I do hope you get to that point where you trust yourself more. You will let them go or set up boundaries in a way to limit your contact with these types. Your peace is worth it.
I self-silenced so long, I lost my voice. I don't even know how to assert my needs. I don't know how to voice a boundary with anyone. I held my marriage together for 17 years by being silent. It actually worked until I told him I would like us to try making our marriage mutually satisfying. He said no way and filed for divorce. I never argued back when he would tell me what my side of the argument was and dispute it. It was mind boggling how he could go on and on conducting a one-sided argument, believing I was fully engaged with him in it. I knew voicing my opinion was not allowed if I wanted to stay married. The hardest place to be silent was in bed while he was satisfying his sexual needs at my expense. To survive that, I had to dissociate from my body and fly out the window until it was over. I would lay there in silent tears, hating myself and feeling I was letting God down, because I was supposed to be enjoying it.
My mother is the worst joke ever. My father drove me nuts, she drove me nuts then had the gall to say I think too much. I HAD to, because of how changeable they both are. On a Monday black is white on a Friday white is black. The moods of the narcs, their feelings and emotions, wants and needs are driving the car. I didn't finally get it until they became forgetful and they couldn't hide what they were doing. It lifted the veil on my rumination and cognitive dissonance but led to a lot of grief. The only way past that was through it. The sad part, they'll never change especially now they're elderly. Trying to change them doesn't work, it's just met with anger, contempt and dismissive Ness. My mother's favourite phrase is now "I can't do that psychological stuff"! I didn't realise that meant listening, understanding, caring, validating and just holding space for someone, but apparently it's way too hard for either of them. Learning that you're not the problem, that you CAN be yourself is a gift the narcissistic person will never give.
This really resonated with me. I thought I was doing great with my self-talk, but Dr Ramini said, " I'm such an idiot that it took me 30 years to figure it out!" That's me. He's been gone for 3 years, and I've been doing pretty well, but I still do say that to myself. Life is great, but it can really be amazing. It's time to continue catching myself and stopping the negative (or neutral-feeling) self-talk. Thanks for keeping on this for me!!😘😘❤️❤️
Wow. Dr. Ramani I just related so much to the end of this video. When you said "I wonder how much of my introversion, is really me and how much of it is the safety of not being seen." I have been in therapy for years, healing from a narcissistic father. And I've made so much growth and learned how to love and accept myself. What's hard, is that I even though I've made this growth, i still struggle. Sometimes I isolate. It's not that I don't have caring and loving relationships in my life. I've often wondered why i do isolate. i think I'm beginning to realize that when I feel bad about myself or if I've made what I believe to be a relational mistake, I feel ashamed. It's making me realize that holing away and playing video games is a response to feeling bad about myself. I can't explain how glad I am that I watched this video this morning and how appreciative I am of your content and existence. Thank you.
I have now started reading It’s Not You. Thank you for this book. The accompanying workbook is wonderful too. So exciting to have you with us all who are caught up in places we don’t need to be in. ❤
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
Hmmm, bugging someone's device with spyware or hacking is an invasion of privacy so I wouldn't go letting the whole internet that cos that's illegal. But surely there many other ways to get info about a person rather than hacking into their private phone. Sure if they've got nothing to hide then there will be nothing to find but ... Unless this hacking was signed off by the intelligence agency..or they person was involved in human trafficking... then that's ok but otherwise it just seems so wrong. I personally reset my phone and changed my number/SIM card cos I was so scared that they might have hacked me/bugged me just to control me. Seems like double standards to me!
Also, I would like to say that your experience is valid. If hacking into your phone helped you finally leave..and be safe again..after years and year then who am I to stay that its wrong.
Thank you for sharing MY life story you hit the nail on the head from start to finish. Thank you 🫶🏽 I pray your healing journey is going well, I endured 31 yrs of it, been completely out 1.5 yrs and I still struggle, having the hardest time forgiving him bc I know that I know that I know his motive was to break me…smh, Jesus Jesus Jesus help me 😪
I was shy as a child. As a young adult I married a good man who boosted my confidence. He passed away. Five years later I remarried. I Have allowed him to totally destroy my confidence because he is the flying monkey in this relationship. I have had to deal with the narcissist in the family who totally controls him. The only peace you get is being silence. This does cause depression.
I was in a covert narcissistic relationship in the ‘60s there were few resources and the counselor I convinced him to see ( or I leave) told me that my husband could never have an emotional intimate relationship because if his issues with his mother. As a very devout young woman I took my cares to Jesus. I received a vast amount of inspiration from those visits to the adoration chapel. I actually did quite well and kept my self worth. My greatest fault was that I thought of myself as being selfish. Fortunately I had a wonderful pastor who helped me see my self worth and my responsibility to myself. God has been so good to me and He will give those suffering today to get through the pain. God created you, he loves you and He will walk with you through all of this.
I absolutely love how the doctor leaves her mistakes in the videos. It makes me feel so much better about admitting that I’m a human being and do not have to always be perfect
Hi, I have just bought your book. I have so many ah-ha moments reading your book "It's Not You" and watching your talks. I am so glad I came across your lessons. I feel like there's hope again and light at the end of that very dark tunnel.
This one really resonated with me, especially internalizing the punishing voice of the narcissist and thus literally becoming my own worst enemy, pathologizing myself as I have been pathologized my whole life, and coming to the conclusion that I don't deserve any better. I'm going to check out the work of Dr. Dana Jack, too. But guess what, thanks to you and other warriors in the fight for narcissistic abuse survivors' recovery, my eyes have been opened and I'm drinking less and less of the Narc Kool-Aid. If I keep putting in the work, I hope to be off the Narc diet completely before long. Thanks as always, Dr. Ramani!
@40:45 Dr Ramani I hope you read your comments so I hope you see this… I know it’s human nature to have the thoughts you expressed, but please know that you sitting and talking to us through your camera has helped me tremendously ! You are my go-to person when it comes to narcissism. You’ve helped me understand so much about the narcissistic abuse I endure, and you’ve shed light on many aspects of my abuse that were so confusing that I was gaslighting myself and genuinely believed that I was the problem and not the narcissist. My only regret is that I wish I discovered your channel earlier. Please never stop doing what you do!
My negative self-talk would be telling myself that I didn't deserve love or didn't deserve to be happy. This was during my worst times, the period following the narcissistic discard.
This is how I feel now. In a very weird place of wondering how I could ever work with someone else ? Or like something is permanently wrong with me . Thanks for sharing
When I have been self-doubting of myself and can't make any sense of why I've been treated so badly when I've done nothing wrong, I've started to blame myself as it seemed the only natural and logical thing to do. But that is of course how my Narc Ex groomed me to be. After I left and blocked him a few months ago, I have already learnt so many things about myself and realise that 'It's Not Me'. 🍒
Ugh. The hoovering and the future faking was so strong. It took a long time to finally get out of the relationship. Just to stay strong and stay in reality and be honest with myself and to stop listening to the narc's opinions of me. Took so much energy to build myself back up in secret basically. To get back my confidence and my sense of self was so exhausting with all the opposite words of what he daily bestowed apon me. I felt guilty and horrid for 'abandoning' them. But I just couldn't see myself with them for another 30 years or more. You have to choose what type of suffering you want to live with. I chose a hard alone life over my married one. It was difficult, but my goodness I had spiritual and emotional peace. Don't believe their lies or their pleading. They had a chance and it's time to choose yourself. You are stronger than you think.
In order to survive in a narcissistic family and then relationship I needed to silence myself and minimise or not share any of my feelings or actions in order not to upset others and dimming my light was part of the process and I thought it was out of showing the narcissists love but it wasn’t, as you said dr Ramani ❤, it was subjugation😢. I also wonder how much of my introversion is my survival instinct of not letting myself be seen😢 people need our lights to shine bright in order to see what’s going on around them and get some warmth to melt their frozen lives. Thank you for your lifesaving work dr Ramani ❤ God bless you ❤
Being organized or in control of an environment often intimidates narcissists to the point, they project their lack of control onto their partners by calling them “controlling” when in fact, being in control of one’s environment is essential to self-care and health. But is looked upon as selfish and controlling to the narcissist because it does not involve them
Dr Ramani mentions in this vedo, at about 11 min into it, that narcs will show up when they need you or need need something from you. There is a song by ANTH and Conor Maynard, called "Take What You Want". That songs says it perfectly. Connor sings... "You bled me dry" ... Says it all. Give that song a listen!!
Dr. Ramani where the heck were you 20 years ago when only my rogue therapist dared speak of the Narcissist??? Seriously. Many of us have needed you for *years*! Thank you for your powerful work.
My ex prided himself, and bragged to everyone, on what a decent human being he was/is. Contradictorily he would brag about how terrible he was in the past (but it was never his fault or responsibility because someone else provoked him). I would ask him why he was bragging about the times he was extremely violent to others and proud that they never pressed charges against him. I don’t know if he was trying to prove how tough he could actually be (so don’t get on his bad side), or if he was acclaiming how much he had changed. He even told me that I wouldn’t have liked him back in his younger days. 😆 He honestly believes he’s a great person and anyone should be so lucky to know him and befriend him. After I left he is now going around telling anyone and everyone that he’s an even better person now that I’m out of the picture because I made him behave badly. Nobody can make you feel or do things. It’s always your choice for how you react. True narcissist - never accountable!!!
You're so right about the increasedly self-critical internal monologue. It's almost like the echoes of THEIR abusive voice bounce off the walls of our skulls & increase in fervor. I heard the phrase literally, "You need to start doing this to yourself first, so I don't have to spend all this time punishing you!" And I, as the very literal-minded autistic child that I was, took that at face value, and turned my voice of self-criticism WAYYYY up in the mix. The berating examples you mentioned all feel very familiar to me. That I'm bad, selfish, disgusting, gross, entitled, that I think I'm above everyone else, that I need to be punished and "sent to charm school" and focus on my appearance & "behavior" (read: subservience or submission, as a girl child) above everything else, and that my comfort, needs, and wants should all rank below even the breeziest whims of others. These things I internalized all in just my first decade of life. Even elementary school was marked by a series of diets and other forms of self-subjugation, like I was drowning in a flood of criticism & self-doubt and my only hope of survival was to go along with that flood, just trying to keep my head above water. "Nobody wants to hear what you have to say. You're always complaining. You always need something. Your voice is annoying. You are so inconvenient & expensive. I'm tired of you. You asked me for the wrong thing at the wrong time, and now I will withhold parental care from you. You'd better learn your lesson this time. Get out of my sight & don't come back until you're ready to be pleasant." Et cetera, et alia. On & on forever. My logical brain can see that none of those things were true about the tiny child version of myself that heard them so constantly. I see pictures & video of my myself in childhood & am stricken by how truly twisted those messages are. - Oh wow, I'm typing this & now you're talking about the "small you" as well. That's awesome. Same wavelength. Recently I have been trying to recognize when I'm echoing that kind of programming with my "automatic negative thoughts," give a retort to that negativity, and choose to move on in a more beneficial way. The training, the making myself small, it's all so real in my experience. I ended up feeling like I didn't deserve to exist. But I DO exist. And I would never tell another living creature that they don't deserve to exist. So I should never, never say that kind of thing to myself, either. All things in this world are neighbors to me. I need to recognize myself as a valued neighbor to the world, too. My parents would constantly talk badly about people who came into my life & showed me that I CAN receive better treatment, because that better treatment was a direct threat to their control over me. Well, their fear that I would leave turned into reality. I haven't spoken to my parents in years but I still hear the echoes of their abusive words every day. But I am challenging it. I am re-valuing myself again. It's a lifelong journey, I think. Perhaps multiple lifetimes, depending on your beliefs. But I am finally starting to trust now that my happiness is worth it. My wellbeing is worth it. I owe it to myself to set a better standard of care than my parents allowed me to receive. Because I don't need to act within their walls any longer. Thank you so much for your perspective & wisdom. It's amazing that your words are reaching so many people who are truly helped by hearing them. What a blessing. Best wishes to everyone. If you're reading this, take a second to recognize a "win" you've had recently, no matter how "small" it might feel. I, a stranger, believe in you & am rooting for you, whoever you are, wherever you are in life. Keep going, and take all the time you need to rest, because it takes a LOT of energy to combat such deep indoctrination. But you deserve peace, and healing, and clarity, and you deserve to live. Take care of yourselves the best you can. Cheers x
They like the convenience of their partner becoming the parent and taking on all the responsibility for everything. They'll says "I love all the things you do for me" - not who you are.
I have had an ongoing dialogue that I am crazy/unstable/ a laughing stock/failure for the past 10 years from my narcissistic stepmom even after cutting her off. When I met my ex husband, the insults I think felt familiar because I was so accustomed to telling myself all that shit was constructive criticism. Until you finally realize none of it is true. People who love you will believe in your growth and encourage you to trust yourself they want you to be bigger not smaller. ❤
I've not heard a talk before that pinpointed with exact precision my experiences, my inner conflicts, what's going on and how to understand what has been going on. Dr. Ramani, your vocation and calling in life is like a wisdom/healing angel. Thank you. For everything and all the work you put into these videos, to support people's healing journeys.
18 years of marriage, I found out the last 7 months. Though she was Narcissist specific behavior I understood what it meant very difficult. Always talking myself down. Count to myself as nothing. I finally know that I'm a human being as well.
I have finally learned to give myself a break when I make a mistake or forget something. When somebody attacks me for this instead of offering to help, I watch out for myself.
This was so on point I got to a stage where everything I did was mirror others needs in a attempt to keep the peace, make sure they were happy and be the person who acknowledged that it was all my fault and accepted devastation and the back seat in my own life. Silence was golden and I became silent. That is, until I would have more alcohol on those special outings when all dressed up and looking my best was a attempt to make myself worthy of being loved 😮 Then, having the other person spending more time speaking with the attractive person sitting close, phone numbers being shared for “business purposes” And later finding out that that number became a regular part of the story of abuse Receiving a phone bill for hundreds of dollars with a new phone purchase for both parties I would finally scream, sounding like a shrew and upsetting my children in this horrible situation. The light does go out and the depression hits hard Once I chose myself and the decades long journey of healing from the little girl on, I became viewed as self self centered and shamed. It is so hard to believe and express how shutting yourself off so that others feel safe is not only wrong but also can be deadly I thank you for your support and understanding It’s good to feel understood, even if it has taken 70 years to achieve.
Self censoring only has caused me to have a huge explosion when pushed too far. I have tried to set boundaries all along but sometimes that doesn’t work.
I don't know if this will hrlp/work for you. This was happening to me as well with my mother. Still occasionally does as she pushes my emotional anger button and hurt im holding. Now when I have to interact with her I feel anxious for days before, I'll afterwards but I manage not to explode because I have a list of topics to do with something going on in her life or random boring stuff so she can prattle on or I can talk about something that I'm not interested in, with little emotion. She will still say the most stupid things but it's less emotive and im far less likely to explode at her. I do it for me, not her. I hated loosing it and feeling guilty afterwards.
Constantly apologizing became so ingrained in my thinking that I was taken back by a scenario at my grocery store. Okay, so I was in an aisle at my local grocery store. I was looking at a variety of items and stopped to ponder which one I would buy. Suddenly a younger gentleman came up beside me to reach for a product that was on the next shelf below. I automatically stepped back to give him more room and apologized “Oh sorry!” for being by the shelf. He was already moving away with his item when he stopped and turned around and looked at me. He quickly said, “ Please ma’am, you have nothing to be sorry about.” He then proceeded to do the rest of his shopping. My adult son will say similar things, “Mom, why are you justifying? Why are you sorry? (Once after apologizing for being in front of the cabinet that houses the garbage bin and he just said excuse me Mom, so he could access the garbage.) So silly when I think of it, but the scenarios leading up to being that way were not silly. They were anxiety ridden. It’s so hard but I’m finally catching myself more and more to just stop it!
@trishbech9082 I do this too, can hear myself saying it too often when am nervous. Someone told me that we give away our 'power' when we say sorry. He suggested saying, "Thank you for understanding " instead. I tried it for a while and it worked. When I was a kid I used to say sorry for bumping into furniture. My mum left when I was 3. It was ok, she was young and my dad raised me. I was lucky but reading your comment brought back that memory.. Wishing you well
Removing yourself from situations that repeatedly trigger your mental health, and being elaborately portrayed as the cause, as is the case with narcissistic abuse, is a critical first step on the path to knowledge and healthy independence. The narcissist will never change but you definitely can. By removing yourself, you have taken the first step on this path lined with supportive, knowledgeable veterans and resources. Dr. Ramani has defined and paved this supportive path to peace, self-esteem, and knowing that “It's Not You” has been manipulated into believing otherwise.
The one about over-preparing and fussing over details is very eye-opening. I always thought it was a personality trait in my family… now I’m wondering how much is just from the narcissistic abuse! And for myself, yes, I over-prepare for everything… and I think it’s that internal voice that I’m trying to avoid. Like oh man, if I forget to take that item on the trip, then it could be so bad … like I feel fear… but idk why… times I forgot things, I just figured it out.,. Maybe it was inconvenient but not the end of the world…
Don’t forget to add “I am so damaged. I’m lucky anybody would want me.” “I am just the most horrible person there is.” Then the narcissist will turn it on you by saying you hate yourself and destroyed yourself while we all stood around and watched. Regardless of who started the destruction, the fact that he just stood and watched instead of offering any help. When he ran into his ex from before me, he was ecstatic about her suffering because she is now homeless and toothless. He gloated while telling me this and implied he was going to do the same to me
@@lucyt-c8092 thank you. I’m finally out! I lost a lot of personal property, money and most importantly my mental health. I’m just glad I escaped with my life so I can rebuild my mental and emotional heath now. I tried to end my life several times while in the relationship, and he also threatened my life, so I had to be very careful. It’s difficult hearing through people the smear campaign that he’s doing.
If he said that then he really meant it and you are to silently plan where to go live in safety at the safest time for you. You don't ever want to be homeless and toothless. A DV hotliline counselor asked me if I lived in a house with stairs. I said yes 2 flights in & outdoors. She.said " if you don't get out of that house before the next time something happens, you'll end up being thrown down those stairs & killed. We've seen this happen out there where you live." That was enough to scare the crap out of me. I kept 2 packed carryon suitcases in the attic. Was totally silent about plans but did everything from work, left and never returned.
@@flowergarden-1 I’m so glad you got out safely. I have escaped very recently. When the police had to be called 3 times over a 48 hr period I knew it was time to get out. The trauma is so fresh my nervous system feels like it’s on fire. I’m looking over my shoulder everywhere I go in the hopes I don’t encounter him. My city isn’t that large.
Another wonderful talk, so insightful and empathetic. When I'm feeling vulnerable I listen to Dr. Ramini and get such reassurance and validation for the way I think and feel. The negative talk and the trusting your own strengths, that you are okay and you were right, is such a constant theme that I, we are fighting everyday. But, I am getting stronger and more resilient and listening to Dr. Ramini and reading what all you lovely people have written reminds me that , it wasn't me, it wasn't my fault and, after 30 years, I'm not stupid. Thank you so much Dr. Ramini ❤ x
Dr. Ramani.. new subscriber here, thank you for being the blessing that you are to so many! What you say makes so much sense! I've had people ask me, " Why are you always apologizing?" Now i understand exactly why I do this!
I've had three major narcissistic relationships in my life: my mother, my husband and my boss for 27 years. This year I left the last one of them and I do emphasize I'll never be under the thumb of a narcissist. But I can't help but notice how all three people spent their lives feeling abandoned, and of course blaming everyone else for it. And yes, I was not the only one who ran for the hills. My brother and sister, all my husband's family, friends and coworkers, and dozens of people from my job ran. It took me a long time, and a lot of guilt, to see I was the rule, and not the exception. Somehow they make you feel abandoned, when they are the ones who get dumped in the end.
I get Blamed All the Time for his b.s. even when it's a chaos/ confusion sotuation because he Was Not Honest with me in the beginning , Others say " you went along with it " , " you Allowed him to manipulate you " ," you Know how he is but still you Keep Allowing it " etc.etc.etc.
The ex incessantly pontificating how nice, generous, kind, intelligent, interesting, etc etc, he is... I learned early to tune him out whenever he drew breath to speak
What you are describing is exactly how certain churches treat their faithful devoted, extremely hard working members. And other organized religions and institutions I can imagine
I was recently discarded by a covert narcissist. We were friends, that became lovers. I had come fresh off a breakup and he was just there. Appeared to be everything I wanted. He discarded my, after breaking my self esteem with so many passive aggressive comments. He's a very beautiful man and moved on within a month. I eventually discovered he had been sleeping with many people while we were together and the new supply was one of them. I have been no contact for wo months....the pain is immense
Dear Dr. Ramani, Congratulationsfor telling your truth as a human in this way is very satisfactory to experience!!!...Great contribution, I am a very proud of you!!!!....🎀🙏
Oh man! smiling here! You are always so chocked full of so much good info! I feel like I'm getting an armchair degree in narc behavior and relationships. Thank you for always putting out such good and FREAKING IMPORTANT information! Because taking action is really hard, but not as hard when one is armed with the words and knowledge to back up the bad feeling. Thank you!
Right on the nail as per usual. I’ve got your book Dr Ramani and I would highly recommend it. You really know what you’re talking about and I can tell you put A LOT of work into it. Thank you so much 😘🥰 x P.S You are the Bees Knees with a cherry on the top. I wish you could see that ❤( just in case that’s a UK saying ( I don’t know if you say it in the states too). But it means you are the best of the best. )
So is this a medley of your narcissistic videos on the topic of self silent and enduring a narcissistic relationship? I wasn’t expecting this, this is actually a very good idea and took some time to put this together. Thank you dearly Dr Ramani 😊
My introduction to narcissism began when I was berating myself in therapy and my therapist asked me “whose voice is that?”. It never occurred to me that it could be anyone else’s but my own. However, I did not struggle to find the answer. It came very easily. From there I have had to consistently practice asking my self that question in order to find my own voice and obliterate the other.
Wow. Thank you so much for this video. Validating as I shift to acceptance that some of the relationships I was working hard to maintain, I have now let go of and know I will be ok without these people in it.
omg, you nailed it Dr. Ramani. I saw to every detail, imagined what could go wrong and provided for it and it was never enough. It was my fault that I couldn't foresee what happened. She did nothing to help but just complained and bitched into oblivion until I just couldn't take it anymore.
That's all my father!!! Never ever in his life has taken any responsibilities for anything. Even his own mistakes are others' faults. He is 75 but without life experiences. He has been through ups and downs and has seen a lot, but still has never connected the dots, to make things a life experience rather just being a passive viewer in life. he can't do and does not do anything but rather expects everyone else to do things to entertain him, take care of him and all that, and then he criticizes or mocks or praises himself, that he was doing things, it would have turned the best. So DO IT! Why don't you do it. Even the things that he does not have any clue about, still he'd do it the best way, BUT he'd never do it, because if things go wrong then he lacks self-awareness and the ability to take responsibility. It has always been my mother and her mother making decision for our life to make it good, and then when I and my sibling grew up, we took care of this broken ship called life, so this so called father has always been a lazy passive bully and toxic viewer, consumer of our energy and joy and efforts and a selfish criticizing creature in our lives.
The end for me was when I made a commitment to be the perfect, submissive wife and he still found a reason to have a rage. He would later call this rage a "mistake". Damn straight it was! The LAST mistake.
This is so true of the narcissists that have been in my life... so true. They're the nice people and yes, I was convinced it was me. I need to get the book!!
![Gucci Mane & Sexyy Red - You Don't Love Me [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/j7IBqyFKT4c/mqdefault.jpg)
if you have to sacrifice your voice, to "keep the peace," it was never meant to be peaceful. the narcissist is manipulating you into internalizing the chaos instead.
an environment that is not safe to disagree in, is not an environment focused on growth - it's an environment focused on control.
cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
Very well said and explained, thank you for sharing this point.
That goes for politics as well although I don't want to get into politics here but yes more and more people are feeling they are not allowed to speak out peacefully
What part? I'm in Niagara Falls
@@carparthero 🎯
It’s like a virus that infiltrates us @ our peril while the virus systematically replicates itself
When your not silent anymore the trouble begins.
Yep,if you give your opinion on anything you get told you're the one being controlling
💯
When you start asking how come there's a double standard..
When you start asking innocent questions because you begin to observe things...
@@cecillebalignasay7358 I made my ex narc a shirt last Christmas (which was also his birthday which he also hated so he ruined the holiday for me and the kids)that read Mr double standards on the front and Mr contradiction in the back,that's how bad his double standards were,he could do and say things but how dare anyone else
Uh oh just started today
I UNsilenced myself one year ago. I practice radical acceptance daily. I have been able to cut my antidepressant dose. Grey or yellow rock daily. I haven’t let myself get goaded into an argument when the narc is itching for one. I “let him” argue with himself, be mad at the world, miss dr appointments, get the wrong items at the grocery store,etc. I feel stronger. More me. I am quiet around him. I don’t share anymore. It used to make me sad. I hoped he would change. Pfffffttttt. Now I go out the door and think “I’m free to enjoy myself”.
A-MEN! Me too!
I can relate to this so much!❤
I remember one time I made a mistake in front of my daughter and my then 3 yo granddaughter. When I realized my mistake, I called myself an idiot. My daughter then asked me if I wanted my granddaughter to learn to talk about herself that way. It was a wake up call
Dr.Ramani! I was just disgarded after putting up with narcissistic abuse for 31 years. He left me three weeks before my mother died knowing that she was dying. My "light" is low and I am desperate to find myself again. Thank you for this incredibly accurate and validating video. I pray with everyting in me that my "light" will shine again.
It’s crazy how when she talks she’s putting into words exactly what you’ve been experiencing and it’s like Holy Cow somebody understands and has words for what I’ve been going through!!! Amazing!
Yes ❤
"Power is not alluring to the pure mind."
-Thomas Jefferson
Growing up, I felt invisible. As a teen, I didn’t trust my mother to care about my safety. Even being raped by a friend of hers, I turned the blame on me. I never believed myself to be lovable after that. I kept trauma to myself. Getting away from my family of origin at the age of 49, was a godsend. 18 years later I begin to learn about narcissism. Holyf#%k! I have grieved for nearly a year. And I am starting to feel healed, lighter, free. Thanks to this channel and others like it.
Magnificent gratitude beautiful SOUL, thanks 4 sharing Ur beautiful experience, I am only out four months and he's driving me crazy, trying 2 divorce but it's crazy expensive, but at least I am safe and away. U R AMAZING, U KEEP ME INSPIRED TO KEEP GOING, IT'S BEEN UGLY & he's killed my chickens and my cat and moved in another family and destroyed them too. They stole my stuff and he's blaming me for not taking what I valued....It was my life I did value so I know I'm better off without the stuff, he can never take my memories ❤🎉❤🎉❤🎉 UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND HAPPINESS FOREVERMORE 🎉🎉🎉
@@flightmama3191 your life and having the future of your choosing is THE most precious and valuable thing. I had a terrible sense of the appropriate type of person I was so I couldn’t choose a decent person. It was learning to be me and value me AND learning about narcissism that healed me.
I got away from my narcissistic toxic family a few years ago after 60 years of abuse from all of them and/or their spouses. Kept telling myself it was me until I went into marriage counseling. WOW. Were my eyes opened. Many books and years of counseling later I’m finally getting healthy.
You are loveable - love isn’t earned
Much sorrow for what you had to endure ❤️🩹, but many, many kudos and admiration for what you’ve achieved and will be able to do from this post on! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
"Basically not existing is the safest place to be"...the story of my life in one sentence
Teachers like you make the world a nicer, kinder and more hopeful place. Thank you Dr Ramani, for sharing all your knowledge. 🥰❤️❤️❤️
I have proudly freed myself of a narcissist this January and I feel reliefed and free ❤
I decided years ago to call myself sweetie and other names someone who loves me would, and to be kind to myself.
This rings so true in my 30 year marriage to a covert narcissist. By the time I dragged myself to a therapist in complete despair and hopelessness and deep depression, and then, after her immediate suggestion that I go to an Al-Anon meeting, it felt so odd to talk about myself. My throat and vocal cords actually felt weird, like I didn’t know how to use them. In fact, I had stopped talking about myself years earlier, because I was immediately put down or mocked or belittled by the narcissist. I had silenced myself, just like Dr Ramani is saying. I learned early on in the relationship that I wasn’t safe unless I self-censored. Of course I didn’t know this at the time. But I sure know it now! Thank you Dr Ramani.
Over the past number of years, I've read a LOT of books about narcissism, narcissistic family abuse, and how to deal with and heal from immense narcissistic abuse. "It's Not You" is THE BEST and the most in-depth book diving into the "brass tacks" on all levels of all the insidious and myriad ways that narcissism confounds, disregulates, and discombobulates you, changing you emotionally, mentally, and socially. This new book of Dr. Ramani's, "It's Not You" is a MUST READ to understand it and heal from it! Thank you for writing this book!!
I am glad too!.
There is no negotiating, compromise in a narcissistic relationship. You are left with a their way or the highway relationship and since you care so much you begin to blame yourself. It is a great moment when you can distance and see yourself coming back. The hardest part is getting to this point. It feels unnatural in the process.
Reading this I do hope you get to that point where you trust yourself more. You will let them go or set up boundaries in a way to limit your contact with these types. Your peace is worth it.
I self-silenced so long, I lost my voice. I don't even know how to assert my needs. I don't know how to voice a boundary with anyone. I held my marriage together for 17 years by being silent. It actually worked until I told him I would like us to try making our marriage mutually satisfying. He said no way and filed for divorce. I never argued back when he would tell me what my side of the argument was and dispute it. It was mind boggling how he could go on and on conducting a one-sided argument, believing I was fully engaged with him in it. I knew voicing my opinion was not allowed if I wanted to stay married. The hardest place to be silent was in bed while he was satisfying his sexual needs at my expense. To survive that, I had to dissociate from my body and fly out the window until it was over. I would lay there in silent tears, hating myself and feeling I was letting God down, because I was supposed to be enjoying it.
Thanks for sharing
I'm glad you're divorced. You're free now and I hope good memories replace the past⛱️🌞🎉🎂🍨
@@flowergarden-1 Thank you. I'm looking forward to heaven.
My mother is the worst joke ever. My father drove me nuts, she drove me nuts then had the gall to say I think too much. I HAD to, because of how changeable they both are. On a Monday black is white on a Friday white is black. The moods of the narcs, their feelings and emotions, wants and needs are driving the car. I didn't finally get it until they became forgetful and they couldn't hide what they were doing. It lifted the veil on my rumination and cognitive dissonance but led to a lot of grief. The only way past that was through it. The sad part, they'll never change especially now they're elderly. Trying to change them doesn't work, it's just met with anger, contempt and dismissive Ness. My mother's favourite phrase is now "I can't do that psychological stuff"! I didn't realise that meant listening, understanding, caring, validating and just holding space for someone, but apparently it's way too hard for either of them. Learning that you're not the problem, that you CAN be yourself is a gift the narcissistic person will never give.
This really resonated with me. I thought I was doing great with my self-talk, but Dr Ramini said, " I'm such an idiot that it took me 30 years to figure it out!" That's me. He's been gone for 3 years, and I've been doing pretty well, but I still do say that to myself. Life is great, but it can really be amazing. It's time to continue catching myself and stopping the negative (or neutral-feeling) self-talk. Thanks for keeping on this for me!!😘😘❤️❤️
We didn’t know what we didn’t know then because we’re not like them!
We mustn't allow ourselves to speak badly to ourselves no matter what! 🙏😇🕊
Wow. Dr. Ramani I just related so much to the end of this video. When you said "I wonder how much of my introversion, is really me and how much of it is the safety of not being seen." I have been in therapy for years, healing from a narcissistic father. And I've made so much growth and learned how to love and accept myself. What's hard, is that I even though I've made this growth, i still struggle. Sometimes I isolate. It's not that I don't have caring and loving relationships in my life. I've often wondered why i do isolate. i think I'm beginning to realize that when I feel bad about myself or if I've made what I believe to be a relational mistake, I feel ashamed. It's making me realize that holing away and playing video games is a response to feeling bad about myself. I can't explain how glad I am that I watched this video this morning and how appreciative I am of your content and existence. Thank you.
I have now started reading It’s Not You.
Thank you for this book. The accompanying workbook is wonderful too. So exciting to have you with us all who are caught up in places we don’t need to be in.
❤
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
Hmmm, bugging someone's device with spyware or hacking is an invasion of privacy so I wouldn't go letting the whole internet that cos that's illegal. But surely there many other ways to get info about a person rather than hacking into their private phone. Sure if they've got nothing to hide then there will be nothing to find but ... Unless this hacking was signed off by the intelligence agency..or they person was involved in human trafficking... then that's ok but otherwise it just seems so wrong.
I personally reset my phone and changed my number/SIM card cos I was so scared that they might have hacked me/bugged me just to control me.
Seems like double standards to me!
Also, I would like to say that your experience is valid. If hacking into your phone helped you finally leave..and be safe again..after years and year then who am I to stay that its wrong.
Thank you for sharing MY life story you hit the nail on the head from start to finish. Thank you 🫶🏽 I pray your healing journey is going well, I endured 31 yrs of it, been completely out 1.5 yrs and I still struggle, having the hardest time forgiving him bc I know that I know that I know his motive was to break me…smh, Jesus Jesus Jesus help me 😪
I was shy as a child. As a young adult I married a good man who boosted my confidence. He passed away. Five years later I remarried. I Have allowed him to totally destroy my confidence because he is the flying monkey in this relationship. I have had to deal with the narcissist in the family who totally controls him. The only peace you get is being silence. This does cause depression.
I am sorry
Narcissists are like the BORG of the Star Trek Series. For them, "RESISTANCE is FUTILE!".
thanks for this 😀 I also think of Anakin Skywalker "If you're not with me, you're my enemy"
Great examples!
We need to hold on truth of who they are, the truth that “there are 4 lights!”
Wow I never recognized the severity of how we mirror to ourselves what the narcissists instil in us
I was in a covert narcissistic relationship in the ‘60s there were few resources and the counselor I convinced him to see ( or I leave) told me that my husband could never have an emotional intimate relationship because if his issues with his mother. As a very devout young woman I took my cares to Jesus. I received a vast amount of inspiration from those visits to the adoration chapel. I actually did quite well and kept my self worth. My greatest fault was that I thought of myself as being selfish. Fortunately I had a wonderful pastor who helped me see my self worth and my responsibility to myself. God has been so good to me and He will give those suffering today to get through the pain. God created you, he loves you and He will walk with you through all of this.
I absolutely love how the doctor leaves her mistakes in the videos. It makes me feel so much better about admitting that I’m a human being and do not have to always be perfect
Hi, I have just bought your book. I have so many ah-ha moments reading your book "It's Not You" and watching your talks. I am so glad I came across your lessons. I feel like there's hope again and light at the end of that very dark tunnel.
This one really resonated with me, especially internalizing the punishing voice of the narcissist and thus literally becoming my own worst enemy, pathologizing myself as I have been pathologized my whole life, and coming to the conclusion that I don't deserve any better. I'm going to check out the work of Dr. Dana Jack, too. But guess what, thanks to you and other warriors in the fight for narcissistic abuse survivors' recovery, my eyes have been opened and I'm drinking less and less of the Narc Kool-Aid. If I keep putting in the work, I hope to be off the Narc diet completely before long. Thanks as always, Dr. Ramani!
👍👍
I’m so grateful for you, Dr. Ramani. Your work is so appreciated and so helpful for abuse victims. Thanks for all you do. 💖
32:19 - I feel seen. Life with a vulnerable narcissistic partner required me to become very small just to keep the peace.
@40:45 Dr Ramani I hope you read your comments so I hope you see this… I know it’s human nature to have the thoughts you expressed, but please know that you sitting and talking to us through your camera has helped me tremendously ! You are my go-to person when it comes to narcissism. You’ve helped me understand so much about the narcissistic abuse I endure, and you’ve shed light on many aspects of my abuse that were so confusing that I was gaslighting myself and genuinely believed that I was the problem and not the narcissist. My only regret is that I wish I discovered your channel earlier. Please never stop doing what you do!
My negative self-talk would be telling myself that I didn't deserve love or didn't deserve to be happy. This was during my worst times, the period following the narcissistic discard.
This is how I feel now. In a very weird place of wondering how I could ever work with someone else ? Or like something is permanently wrong with me . Thanks for sharing
I am the worst critic to myself. After watching your videos Dr. Ramani, I catch myself every time I am tough to myself.
You’re a life saviour! Thank you for your work. Love from Portugal 🇵🇹
When I have been self-doubting of myself and can't make any sense of why I've been treated so badly when I've done nothing wrong, I've started to blame myself as it seemed the only natural and logical thing to do. But that is of course how my Narc Ex groomed me to be. After I left and blocked him a few months ago, I have already learnt so many things about myself and realise that 'It's Not Me'. 🍒
Ugh. The hoovering and the future faking was so strong. It took a long time to finally get out of the relationship. Just to stay strong and stay in reality and be honest with myself and to stop listening to the narc's opinions of me. Took so much energy to build myself back up in secret basically. To get back my confidence and my sense of self was so exhausting with all the opposite words of what he daily bestowed apon me. I felt guilty and horrid for 'abandoning' them. But I just couldn't see myself with them for another 30 years or more. You have to choose what type of suffering you want to live with. I chose a hard alone life over my married one. It was difficult, but my goodness I had spiritual and emotional peace. Don't believe their lies or their pleading. They had a chance and it's time to choose yourself. You are stronger than you think.
Not only do they take the you out of you they also fill you with themselves. It's beyond confusing and bizar. It's also malicious.
How accurately put. I was ruminating on THIS exact topic just yesterday.
Thank you once again Dr. Ramani! People need the wisdom inside me and that is going to be my light moving forward♥️♥️
Those beautiful moments are happening. ⏳️ It doesn't feel like life is ending at abandonment, it's beginning when you start to reclaim self.
At the end DocRamani thanks us. NO THANK YOU Doctor Ramini for opening my eyes to Narcissists that have hurt me in the past.
In order to survive in a narcissistic family and then relationship I needed to silence myself and minimise or not share any of my feelings or actions in order not to upset others and dimming my light was part of the process and I thought it was out of showing the narcissists love but it wasn’t, as you said dr Ramani ❤, it was subjugation😢. I also wonder how much of my introversion is my survival instinct of not letting myself be seen😢 people need our lights to shine bright in order to see what’s going on around them and get some warmth to melt their frozen lives. Thank you for your lifesaving work dr Ramani ❤ God bless you ❤
I’ve always believed i would’ve been naturally outgoing & my introversion is a result of trauma.
The day I had a thought of-
"He will watch me walk off a cliff, and he would be indifferent about what just happened ".
Being organized or in control of an environment often intimidates narcissists to the point, they project their lack of control onto their partners by calling them “controlling” when in fact, being in control of one’s environment is essential to self-care and health. But is looked upon as selfish and controlling to the narcissist because it does not involve them
Even with a Train Wreck left in his Wake, Still he insists " I Never 'hurt' nobody All I try to do is ' help' people " etc. etc. etc.
yup!
Dr Ramani mentions in this vedo, at about 11 min into it, that narcs will show up when they need you or need need something from you. There is a song by ANTH and Conor Maynard, called "Take What You Want". That songs says it perfectly. Connor sings... "You bled me dry" ... Says it all. Give that song a listen!!
ONE OF YOUR VERY BEST VIDEOS. THANK YOU.
Dr. Ramani where the heck were you 20 years ago when only my rogue therapist dared speak of the Narcissist??? Seriously. Many of us have needed you for *years*! Thank you for your powerful work.
The narcissist like Satan, waits for you to fail or give up.
Satan the father of LIES
Its god who is the narcissist. The greatest and fakes. Justifies all the bs.
And IT NEVER STOPS UNTIL THEY DIE❤❤❤
@@flightmama3191 even after a narc dies they can still leave their slime behind . Reminds me of a slimy snail that leaves a trail.
@@SherryTomlinson-r2y Yes , that's fantastic thanks it's a good reminder to keep washing him down the drain 🥰🌟❣️
😢I exactly experience it. I became sooooo good at reading them over time that I became literally "selfless".
40:09 thank you for keeping it real. ❤ Glad you exist, too, Doc.
My ex prided himself, and bragged to everyone, on what a decent human being he was/is. Contradictorily he would brag about how terrible he was in the past (but it was never his fault or responsibility because someone else provoked him). I would ask him why he was bragging about the times he was extremely violent to others and proud that they never pressed charges against him. I don’t know if he was trying to prove how tough he could actually be (so don’t get on his bad side), or if he was acclaiming how much he had changed. He even told me that I wouldn’t have liked him back in his younger days. 😆
He honestly believes he’s a great person and anyone should be so lucky to know him and befriend him. After I left he is now going around telling anyone and everyone that he’s an even better person now that I’m out of the picture because I made him behave badly. Nobody can make you feel or do things. It’s always your choice for how you react. True narcissist - never accountable!!!
Sadly true.
You're so right about the increasedly self-critical internal monologue. It's almost like the echoes of THEIR abusive voice bounce off the walls of our skulls & increase in fervor. I heard the phrase literally, "You need to start doing this to yourself first, so I don't have to spend all this time punishing you!" And I, as the very literal-minded autistic child that I was, took that at face value, and turned my voice of self-criticism WAYYYY up in the mix. The berating examples you mentioned all feel very familiar to me. That I'm bad, selfish, disgusting, gross, entitled, that I think I'm above everyone else, that I need to be punished and "sent to charm school" and focus on my appearance & "behavior" (read: subservience or submission, as a girl child) above everything else, and that my comfort, needs, and wants should all rank below even the breeziest whims of others. These things I internalized all in just my first decade of life. Even elementary school was marked by a series of diets and other forms of self-subjugation, like I was drowning in a flood of criticism & self-doubt and my only hope of survival was to go along with that flood, just trying to keep my head above water. "Nobody wants to hear what you have to say. You're always complaining. You always need something. Your voice is annoying. You are so inconvenient & expensive. I'm tired of you. You asked me for the wrong thing at the wrong time, and now I will withhold parental care from you. You'd better learn your lesson this time. Get out of my sight & don't come back until you're ready to be pleasant." Et cetera, et alia. On & on forever. My logical brain can see that none of those things were true about the tiny child version of myself that heard them so constantly. I see pictures & video of my myself in childhood & am stricken by how truly twisted those messages are. - Oh wow, I'm typing this & now you're talking about the "small you" as well. That's awesome. Same wavelength. Recently I have been trying to recognize when I'm echoing that kind of programming with my "automatic negative thoughts," give a retort to that negativity, and choose to move on in a more beneficial way. The training, the making myself small, it's all so real in my experience. I ended up feeling like I didn't deserve to exist. But I DO exist. And I would never tell another living creature that they don't deserve to exist. So I should never, never say that kind of thing to myself, either. All things in this world are neighbors to me. I need to recognize myself as a valued neighbor to the world, too. My parents would constantly talk badly about people who came into my life & showed me that I CAN receive better treatment, because that better treatment was a direct threat to their control over me. Well, their fear that I would leave turned into reality. I haven't spoken to my parents in years but I still hear the echoes of their abusive words every day. But I am challenging it. I am re-valuing myself again. It's a lifelong journey, I think. Perhaps multiple lifetimes, depending on your beliefs. But I am finally starting to trust now that my happiness is worth it. My wellbeing is worth it. I owe it to myself to set a better standard of care than my parents allowed me to receive. Because I don't need to act within their walls any longer. Thank you so much for your perspective & wisdom. It's amazing that your words are reaching so many people who are truly helped by hearing them. What a blessing. Best wishes to everyone. If you're reading this, take a second to recognize a "win" you've had recently, no matter how "small" it might feel. I, a stranger, believe in you & am rooting for you, whoever you are, wherever you are in life. Keep going, and take all the time you need to rest, because it takes a LOT of energy to combat such deep indoctrination. But you deserve peace, and healing, and clarity, and you deserve to live. Take care of yourselves the best you can. Cheers x
They like the convenience of their partner becoming the parent and taking on all the responsibility for everything. They'll says "I love all the things you do for me" - not who you are.
Exactly!
I have had an ongoing dialogue that I am crazy/unstable/ a laughing stock/failure for the past 10 years from my narcissistic stepmom even after cutting her off. When I met my ex husband, the insults I think felt familiar because I was so accustomed to telling myself all that shit was constructive criticism. Until you finally realize none of it is true.
People who love you will believe in your growth and encourage you to trust yourself they want you to be bigger not smaller. ❤
I've not heard a talk before that pinpointed with exact precision my experiences, my inner conflicts, what's going on and how to understand what has been going on. Dr. Ramani, your vocation and calling in life is like a wisdom/healing angel. Thank you. For everything and all the work you put into these videos, to support people's healing journeys.
18 years of marriage, I found out the last 7 months. Though she was Narcissist specific behavior I understood what it meant very difficult. Always talking myself down. Count to myself as nothing. I finally know that I'm a human being as well.
I have finally learned to give myself a break when I make a mistake or forget something. When somebody attacks me for this instead of offering to help, I watch out for myself.
This was so on point
I got to a stage where everything I did was mirror others needs in a attempt to keep the peace, make sure they were happy and be the person who acknowledged that it was all my fault and accepted devastation and the back seat in my own life.
Silence was golden and I became silent.
That is, until I would have more alcohol on those special outings when all dressed up and looking my best was a attempt to make myself worthy of being loved 😮
Then, having the other person spending more time speaking with the attractive person sitting close, phone numbers being shared for “business purposes”
And later finding out that that number became a regular part of the story of abuse
Receiving a phone bill for hundreds of dollars with a new phone purchase for both parties
I would finally scream, sounding like a shrew and upsetting my children in this horrible situation.
The light does go out and the depression hits hard
Once I chose myself and the decades long journey of healing from the little girl on, I became viewed as self self centered and shamed. It is so hard to believe and express how shutting yourself off so that others feel safe is not only wrong but also can be deadly
I thank you for your support and understanding
It’s good to feel understood, even if it has taken 70 years to achieve.
Joannejohnson7006 - better late than never! you go girl !
Self censoring only has caused me to have a huge explosion when pushed too far. I have tried to set boundaries all along but sometimes that doesn’t work.
I don't know if this will hrlp/work for you. This was happening to me as well with my mother. Still occasionally does as she pushes my emotional anger button and hurt im holding. Now when I have to interact with her I feel anxious for days before, I'll afterwards but I manage not to explode because I have a list of topics to do with something going on in her life or random boring stuff so she can prattle on or I can talk about something that I'm not interested in, with little emotion. She will still say the most stupid things but it's less emotive and im far less likely to explode at her. I do it for me, not her. I hated loosing it and feeling guilty afterwards.
Awesome presentation with compassion chockd up with much important life saving lesson. I'm going to put that in my tool box. Thanks
Constantly apologizing became so ingrained in my thinking that I was taken back by a scenario at my grocery store. Okay, so I was in an aisle at my local grocery store. I was looking at a variety of items and stopped to ponder which one I would buy. Suddenly a younger gentleman came up beside me to reach for a product that was on the next shelf below. I automatically stepped back to give him more room and apologized “Oh sorry!” for being by the shelf. He was already moving away with his item when he stopped and turned around and looked at me. He quickly said, “ Please ma’am, you have nothing to be sorry about.” He then proceeded to do the rest of his shopping. My adult son will say similar things, “Mom, why are you justifying? Why are you sorry? (Once after apologizing for being in front of the cabinet that houses the garbage bin and he just said excuse me Mom, so he could access the garbage.) So silly when I think of it, but the scenarios leading up to being that way were not silly. They were anxiety ridden. It’s so hard but I’m finally catching myself more and more to just stop it!
@trishbech9082 I do this too, can hear myself saying it too often when am nervous.
Someone told me that we give away our 'power' when we say sorry. He suggested saying, "Thank you for understanding " instead. I tried it for a while and it worked.
When I was a kid I used to say sorry for bumping into furniture. My mum left when I was 3. It was ok, she was young and my dad raised me. I was lucky but reading your comment brought back that memory..
Wishing you well
Removing yourself from situations that repeatedly trigger your mental health, and being elaborately portrayed as the cause, as is the case with narcissistic abuse, is a critical first step on the path to knowledge and healthy independence. The narcissist will never change but you definitely can. By removing yourself, you have taken the first step on this path lined with supportive, knowledgeable veterans and resources. Dr. Ramani has defined and paved this supportive path to peace, self-esteem, and knowing that “It's Not You” has been manipulated into believing otherwise.
The one about over-preparing and fussing over details is very eye-opening. I always thought it was a personality trait in my family… now I’m wondering how much is just from the narcissistic abuse!
And for myself, yes, I over-prepare for everything… and I think it’s that internal voice that I’m trying to avoid. Like oh man, if I forget to take that item on the trip, then it could be so bad … like I feel fear… but idk why… times I forgot things, I just figured it out.,. Maybe it was inconvenient but not the end of the world…
Don’t forget to add “I am so damaged. I’m lucky anybody would want me.” “I am just the most horrible person there is.” Then the narcissist will turn it on you by saying you hate yourself and destroyed yourself while we all stood around and watched. Regardless of who started the destruction, the fact that he just stood and watched instead of offering any help. When he ran into his ex from before me, he was ecstatic about her suffering because she is now homeless and toothless. He gloated while telling me this and implied he was going to do the same to me
I do so hope you are ( very very carefully!) planning your exit ?!!!?
@@lucyt-c8092 thank you. I’m finally out! I lost a lot of personal property, money and most importantly my mental health. I’m just glad I escaped with my life so I can rebuild my mental and emotional heath now. I tried to end my life several times while in the relationship, and he also threatened my life, so I had to be very careful. It’s difficult hearing through people the smear campaign that he’s doing.
Some like a demon to me. Be safe and be free!
If he said that then he really meant it and you are to silently plan where to go live in safety at the safest time for you. You don't ever want to be homeless and toothless. A DV hotliline counselor asked me if I lived in a house with stairs. I said yes 2 flights in & outdoors. She.said " if you don't get out of that house before the next time something happens, you'll end up being thrown down those stairs & killed. We've seen this happen out there where you live."
That was enough to scare the crap out of me. I kept 2 packed carryon suitcases in the attic. Was totally silent about plans but did everything from work, left and never returned.
@@flowergarden-1 I’m so glad you got out safely. I have escaped very recently. When the police had to be called 3 times over a 48 hr period I knew it was time to get out. The trauma is so fresh my nervous system feels like it’s on fire. I’m looking over my shoulder everywhere I go in the hopes I don’t encounter him. My city isn’t that large.
Another wonderful talk, so insightful and empathetic. When I'm feeling vulnerable I listen to Dr. Ramini and get such reassurance and validation for the way I think and feel. The negative talk and the trusting your own strengths, that you are okay and you were right, is such a constant theme that I, we are fighting everyday. But, I am getting stronger and more resilient and listening to Dr. Ramini and reading what all you lovely people have written reminds me that , it wasn't me, it wasn't my fault and, after 30 years, I'm not stupid. Thank you so much Dr. Ramini ❤ x
Dr. Ramani.. new subscriber here, thank you for being the blessing that you are to so many! What you say makes so much sense! I've had people ask me, " Why are you always apologizing?" Now i understand exactly why I do this!
I've had three major narcissistic relationships in my life: my mother, my husband and my boss for 27 years. This year I left the last one of them and I do emphasize I'll never be under the thumb of a narcissist. But I can't help but notice how all three people spent their lives feeling abandoned, and of course blaming everyone else for it. And yes, I was not the only one who ran for the hills. My brother and sister, all my husband's family, friends and coworkers, and dozens of people from my job ran. It took me a long time, and a lot of guilt, to see I was the rule, and not the exception. Somehow they make you feel abandoned, when they are the ones who get dumped in the end.
I get Blamed All the Time for his b.s. even when it's a chaos/ confusion sotuation because he Was Not Honest with me in the beginning , Others say " you went along with it " , " you Allowed him to manipulate you " ," you Know how he is but still you Keep Allowing it " etc.etc.etc.
Those others are ones too. Avoid them.
The ex incessantly pontificating how nice, generous, kind, intelligent, interesting, etc etc, he is... I learned early to tune him out whenever he drew breath to speak
Well done, you!
Thank you for your fabulous podcasts. And personal sharing. It’s illuminating
What a blessing you are, Dr. Ramani. Thank you. 🤗❤🌻
I am so glad to be present at this time of your amazing revelations about narcicism, so valuable and a blessing. Thankyou.😊
What you are describing is exactly how certain churches treat their faithful devoted, extremely hard working members. And other organized religions and institutions I can imagine
Wow! This is SO GOOD! Thank you Dr. Ramani 🙏🏻 What a tremendous wealth of knowledge and wisdom right here! ❤
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. This was a truly fantastic episode in every way. It was hard-hitting and unbelievably accurate. You are amazing!
I was recently discarded by a covert narcissist. We were friends, that became lovers. I had come fresh off a breakup and he was just there. Appeared to be everything I wanted. He discarded my, after breaking my self esteem with so many passive aggressive comments. He's a very beautiful man and moved on within a month. I eventually discovered he had been sleeping with many people while we were together and the new supply was one of them. I have been no contact for wo months....the pain is immense
Dear Dr. Ramani, Congratulationsfor telling your truth as a human in this way is very satisfactory to experience!!!...Great contribution, I am a very proud of you!!!!....🎀🙏
Oh man! smiling here! You are always so chocked full of so much good info! I feel like I'm getting an armchair degree in narc behavior and relationships. Thank you for always putting out such good and FREAKING IMPORTANT information! Because taking action is really hard, but not as hard when one is armed with the words and knowledge to back up the bad feeling. Thank you!
Self silencing. Another absolutely true statement. Oh my!
No wonder I love living and being alone so much. ❤😮❤
So true about dimming your light, becoming quiet in social group,...so true!
Thank You to the 'beautiful' and 'brilliant' Dr. Ramani for yet another another fantastic video. 💯❤️🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉💥❤
I'm slowly turning that Dimmer Switch back up.
Great description!❤
Sobbed listening to this video. So relatable.
Brilliant compilation of videos. Validation x10!
Right on the nail as per usual. I’ve got your book Dr Ramani and I would highly recommend it. You really know what you’re talking about and I can tell you put A LOT of work into it. Thank you so much 😘🥰 x
P.S You are the Bees Knees with a cherry on the top. I wish you could see that ❤( just in case that’s a UK saying ( I don’t know if you say it in the states too). But it means you are the best of the best. )
❤ thank u for everything!!!!
I love this woman...
So is this a medley of your narcissistic videos on the topic of self silent and enduring a narcissistic relationship? I wasn’t expecting this, this is actually a very good idea and took some time to put this together. Thank you dearly Dr Ramani 😊
My introduction to narcissism began when I was berating myself in therapy and my therapist asked me “whose voice is that?”. It never occurred to me that it could be anyone else’s but my own. However, I did not struggle to find the answer. It came very easily. From there I have had to consistently practice asking my self that question in order to find my own voice and obliterate the other.
Wow.
Thank you so much for this video. Validating as I shift to acceptance that some of the relationships I was working hard to maintain, I have now let go of and know I will be ok without these people in it.
omg, you nailed it Dr. Ramani. I saw to every detail, imagined what could go wrong and provided for it and it was never enough. It was my fault that I couldn't foresee what happened. She did nothing to help but just complained and bitched into oblivion until I just couldn't take it anymore.
“Maybe if I just earn more money to take financial stress off of him he’ll be happier and spend more time with me” 🙌🏼 nope.
That's all my father!!! Never ever in his life has taken any responsibilities for anything. Even his own mistakes are others' faults. He is 75 but without life experiences. He has been through ups and downs and has seen a lot, but still has never connected the dots, to make things a life experience rather just being a passive viewer in life. he can't do and does not do anything but rather expects everyone else to do things to entertain him, take care of him and all that, and then he criticizes or mocks or praises himself, that he was doing things, it would have turned the best. So DO IT! Why don't you do it. Even the things that he does not have any clue about, still he'd do it the best way, BUT he'd never do it, because if things go wrong then he lacks self-awareness and the ability to take responsibility. It has always been my mother and her mother making decision for our life to make it good, and then when I and my sibling grew up, we took care of this broken ship called life, so this so called father has always been a lazy passive bully and toxic viewer, consumer of our energy and joy and efforts and a selfish criticizing creature in our lives.
my narc father was jealous of me and regularly tried to sabotage me even when i was a little kid
The end for me was when I made a commitment to be the perfect, submissive wife and he still found a reason to have a rage.
He would later call this rage a "mistake".
Damn straight it was! The LAST mistake.
Thank you, as always, Dr. Ramani.
I'm still listening Doctor Ramani, thanks 😊
This is so true of the narcissists that have been in my life... so true. They're the nice people and yes, I was convinced it was me. I need to get the book!!
Thank you thank you thank you Dr. Ramani....i can now be ME again...❤❤