I finally broke up with my boyfriend after years of imagining how much happier I’d be without him. The immediate gratification after the break up was euphoric. I was the happiest I’ve ever been. Now, about 4 months post break up, I’m realizing my ex wasn’t the whole issue. I’m having to look into my soul and discover there’s more inner work to be done.
Thanks for that comment! I'm having doubts lately brought by a need for uncompromising independence and unburdened day to day but I've come to the conclusion that leaving wouldn't really make me happie. If anything, sadder and messier. Now I'm trying to stay focused on working out my thinking patterns, being grateful for the amazing person growing with me and just letting myself see where this goes without overthinking. Wish you the best for the future and to see yourself truly. 🌷
@@LaFilleTerribleme too, sister. Me too. My partner is as good as a partner can be, truly. I’ve always worn the armor of independence and avoided any relying on anyone, because my life required it of me when I was young. I’m thick in my own personal weeds of “why am I trying so hard to convince myself he’s not the one?” And more broadly, “why am I trying to so hard to convince myself that my life isn’t where it should be”. There’s some intangible “something” that isn’t right, but I’m trying to examine if maybe I’m standing in my own way of accepting the good things I’ve worked hard for. I’ve landed somewhere in the arena that I’ve protected myself my whole life by saying “you don’t get the 100% experience, so just be happy with 85%. 100% is unavailable to you”. But now that I have the chance at 100%, I’m convinced I’ve only been served 85% options, cause that’s all I “deserve”. Idk if that’s close to your experience or not, this line of thought for me has been very helped by the conversation about contentment on this channel! Anyone else get teary eyed when Hannah talks about how her life was in the purgatory box but she decided to keep it?
Re:mail clutter; I have a rule that spam mail isn’t allowed in the house, so when I go out to get the mail, I flick through it to separate things that are obviously spam, and toss them in the trash bin before I even open the door. Some days that means I walk in the house empty handed, so it cuts down on the clutter big time, and makes it easier to organize and keep track of the important stuff.
Great idea! I need to start this. My house is bombarded with paper things. When your kiddo gets older there will be so many papers from daycare/school/etc. The mail just adds to it.
I have paper recycling right next to my mail tray. I toss the flyers and junk mail. Most of the envelopes go in the trash. I open the mail and flatten the mail in the tray. I also save some envelopes with bullfrog clip. That becomes “pages” for a list. The list goes in the kitchen.
I do this. It seems so logical! But. I'm not the only one who gets the mail. Technically the chore belongs to my 5 year old, and I really don't trust her to toss anything but those newspaper flyers of ads....😂 so we deal with it in the house as quickly as possible..
I've made a rule for myself that I have to start a behavior BEFORE I purchase the item that I imagine will "manifest my dream life". For example: I want a bike, but I have to prove to myself that this fits into my current life before I make that big purchase. So, I am walking and running more. I have regularly made active leisure time a priority, which means this will be a valuable tool for the person I am NOW instead of counting on it to magically transform me into an active person.
I feel a bit called out lol. We just bought our first own house after renting for 20 years and here I sit dreaming what I will become in the new house in two months time and basically neglecting my current life. "Naah I won't go for a walk NOW, I will start my walking life after we move as the roads are probably better..."😅
Hannah, i love how your channel and content has transformed so organically and creates so much diversity within the beauty space. I appreciate that sometimes it’s old school beauty youtube and many times it’s shifting paradigms and aha moments 💕💕💕 thank you for creating this wonderful content for us!
I agree, the opposite has always been true actually. The less space the more tidy and streamlined it was and the more space the less strict I needed to be with myself😅
I feel this so deeply! The first time we moved it only took two trips with a pick up truck. The second time we moved, we needed a rented Uhaul truck because we had amassed so much more stuff in our larger home. Now, I couldn't imagine moving from our even bigger house as our stuff has just multiplied. :(
It is the goldfish effect. Each person has an amount of visual clutter that makes them feel comfortable. So, larger space, you need more clutter to reach that same point. The only way to combat this, I’ve found, is to move every year or so and then live on a boat with someone who needs zero visual clutter😂. We moved across country with two sedan style SUVs and what could fit in their hatchbacks, along with two large suitcases. It would probably take a small trailer now because on a boat furniture is in built and we have a bed, couch and TVs now but we really do not have much else…yet.😂
I’m not meaning to burst your bubble of the super cool closet Declutter video, and I would absolutely love to see that, but would you rather do the Declutter before moving, and that way you wouldn’t have to move as much stuff? Not that you need it, but just giving you permission to do that rather than saving the job to film for us after you move. 😊
Yeah, it's called YARD SALE that you have after you pack. And then what's leftover can go to thrift store unless you're going to have another sale at the new place and store it some more.
I've done it both ways - weirdly, RIGHT after a big move I find myself much more ruthless because the pain of moving is so fresh that my belongings suddenly seem much less valuable hahaha
@@parcheesy33this actually makes sense to me. I think sometimes too, it is easier to declutter a new space that is already clean, which is why so many hoarding situations pull everything out first.
I would prefer to declutter in a new space, because moving is stressful. After the move there might be more mental capacity for decluttering your wardrobe. I don't think that strategy makes sense for every category, but I know that you/Hannah have curated your wardrobe for decades. That's why it might be nice to do it after a stressful move and take your time
I love in my dream house (im old and lucky). I spent SO LONG trying to make everything perfect. It took a long time to realize that a house is not static, its constantly in motion, now i think of her as a ship under sail and sometimes there are storms and its chaos and sometimes there are wide open blue days and it's not, but its not a show home and it never will be.
I buy workout clothes under the delusion that the reason I haven't been working out is because the workout clothes I already own are old, don't fit right, too heavy, too hot, too loose, too tight, etc. But, of course, they're all just excuses. Working out in new, lululemon workout gear is a more pleasant experience... But it doesn't fundamentally change me as a person to someone who works out on the daily. I have to do that part myself - which was the root of the problem all along.
I agree with you…. I kept telling myself if I buy those leggings, buy that set then I’ll be ready to workout… the outfit would come and I’d just stash it away. I realized it wasn’t the clothing it was me, I needed to commit
For me, I also realized the root reason I wasn’t exercising was because I was pushing myself too hard when I did exercise, so I was essentially unintentionally punishing myself for doing something good for myself. Letting go of the toxic “bootcamp” mentality of gym culture opened up a lot of gentler exercise I do much more regularly.
My version of this is that getting a Peloton would motivate me to work out at home when I have never before been able to motivate to work out at home. It did to a point, and there are some elements that make it different than just putting on a workout DVD or whatever, but I realized that just having the bike sitting there won’t fundamentally change my behavior
Sometimes it can be even more insidious. If I buy these items then I have incentive to use them because I spent good money. Might I make a suggestion if you were trying to make it a habit (it takes 21 days)? First block out the time to insert said habit with something similar but that does not require as much effort and maybe has more immediate rewards, this a lower barrier to getting started. My husband and I started walking after dinner, just so we could have time together and do something that wasn’t work, eat sleep, repeat. We started losing weight so that encouraged us to start tracking our food more honestly. We weighed things and measured, just so we could get a feel for how much we actually ate. Our FitBit app (we’d had them for a year but had barely used them) has one integrated that was really easy to use and we could set them so our calories automatically calculated. We started losing more so we focused on getting to fat burning zone while walking and increasing distance and intensity. Then when that wasn’t cutting it (and we were about to go into the freeze your behind season) we joined a gym because by now, 6 months in, it was a habit and we didn’t want to lose momentum. Two years later we’re both down to weights and up to strengths that allow us to live our lives freely, and we don’t even have to think about it. We still track food logs but not religiously, and workout every day (not always strenuously but it is activity) and we have been in maintenance for about a year.
I packed up my city townhouse of 10yrs mostly myself (as my husband was busy working) with 2 kids under 2yrs. We moved to a large acerage in the country, a life we'd dreamed of, veggie gardens, fresh produce, animals. Ideally l would recommend decluttering before but realistically l was throwing stuff into boxes at 2am before the removalists arrived at 8am 😆. What l didnt imagine was the hard work involved in said dream. I would say, the change did change me. I had to change. To this day l get a little spark of happiness every time l walk back to house from the garden with arms full of fresh food from my garden. Dreams. As for the mail, walk right on past the bins before it even makes it inside. Brace yourself for the kids art, it will be the real downfall 😆
I find that I end up lying to myself about the kind of person I’ll be post-transition a lot and I think it has something to do with the idea of time passing or having passed; like that now that I’m starting a new year of school, or moving into a new apartment, I’m finally ‘ready’ to be the kind of person who chooses to get up early, or work on assignments ahead of time rather than at the last minute. But in actuality I am the same person I was three months ago when the last semester ended and I am the same person I was yesterday before I moved. The lie is ultimately that the transition itself will transform you, when really it only gives you the opportunity to transform yourself.
Having to downsize to a slightly smaller place was actually much better for my clutter situation than moving to a bigger place. It forced us to make difficult decisions about what to keep and how to store it based on what we genuinely had space for
I agree with this. It changes your mindset on “stuff”. It makes you think about how much good it actually represents in your life, why you have it and how much you have used it. My husband and I have moved a lot, and we lived aboard for over a decade. So we lived in a pretty small footprint. Because we were doing work on our boat, we had a storage unit for extra supplies and tools. It turned into an everything pile because well, out of sight. But because we moved the boat regularly, every couple of years, we had to clear the storage and eventually, once those projects were completed, we were able to discard storage entirely, because we knew that we hadn’t used certain things within that storage at all over several years and had paid to store it. We were essentially moving to a smaller home. Most recently we moved to a larger space but because we were moving cross country we opted to only pack what we could fit in the trunks of our two vehicles, along with two large suitcases. We have more now, but we only purchase things as they become necessary, ya know, like a bed😂.
Fantastic as always, and all of this PERFECTLY reminds me of the Romano Tours SNL sketch: "We can take you to the Amalfi Coast, the canals of Venice, the Vatican. But if you're Sad You at home, you're going to be Sad You in Italy." haha. There are no other us's than the ones we're carrying around with us day to day, so the present is where the work is. haha.
I realized years ago I needed to let go of my fantasy about perfect rooms with no messes. We just USE rooms in our homes and have multiple pets. And the pets bring me the most joy.. so I realized my real joys didn't align with my fantasies. That was a tough year of adjusting my mind, but on the other side, I'm genuinely content now. Much love as you find your peace.
yes! an important part for me is making sure that like.. the way I'm using my fantasy selves is a source of actionable inspiration, or good grounding perspective, and NOT as a means of comparison and self-punishment by berating myself for not being this perfect Me that doesn't exist. it's easy for me to lose sight of all the great progress I've made with myself lately, and all of my good qualities, when I'm only focusing on Fantasy Me.
My husband and I finally found a mail that works for us! Every day I get the mail and sort it into cubbies that we have right by the front door. There is one cubby for each person. I give my husband all the junk mail lol. Then about 2x a week I use my desk to work from home. I grab the mail on my way to the desk. At the desk I answer or pay anything that needs to be paid, and shred the rest. I also have my filing cabinet by the desk so I can file anything that needs saving. I think the key aspects are having a place to put it and a plan to process it.
This is absolutely a mood. I keep thinking if I could just start all over again in a totally different, cleaner, more perfect-for-me space I would become the ideal version of myself in that space. No, self. You have to do the work.
Two points from having done both of them - no, you're not alone in this! 1. The new house is (like) another child/baby. You two are creating this new being, which takes that much (ongoing) work. A home becomes an other family member. and that leads to the more potent, second point: 2. You will not be "over this" transition quickly. Just when part of it's in place, our ideas change, our needs change. And you've got a changing young human who will need different house designs at different ages. All three of your ideal fantasies seem to me to be aspects of a NON-BABY HOME, with more energy, time, and bandwidth than my experience with babies and new-to-us homes with reno actually give you. 10 yrs after becoming kid-free, it's the babies I miss, chaos or not, more than I like the new tidiness. And I LOVE your insightful, courageous videos like this one. Thank you!
Two RUclips recommendations for dealing with mail and ‘clutter’- watch ‘minimal mom’ for mail and ‘a slob comes clean’ for the “container method”. You don’t need to watch multiple of their videos, just the most recent maybe explaining these two concepts. I found them so helpful. Especially Dana on declutterring. You can keep anything but not everything. It needs to fit in this container’. The answer isn’t more and prettier containers. Oh, and bandwidth! I can only keep what I can manage. I’d prefer to have a half empty drawer than one that is like Tetris. It’s very easy to put things away when it’s easy to put things away.
There is so much in closet de-cluttering that is about fantasy self that I look forward to you tackling the issue. I know you will bring us interesting perspectives.
I will say that I always do a good declutter as I'm packing up to move. The hyper-minimal fantasy is unrealistic for me, but I can definitely miniMIZE in the moving process!
Glad to know I’m not alone; I am purchasing a home from a relative in a few years that has an amazing flower garden… my fantasy is that by having this garden, I will now be an incredible gardener 🤷🏻♀️ Sad to learn now that having the garden will not transform me at the moment of purchase into an excellent, experienced gardener 😂
Maybe spend sometime with your relative so they can teach you the upkeep of the homes gorgeous garden… or if too far maybe a video call? My mom has an amazing green thumb and I don’t but i caught myself watching her and I’ve picked up a couple of things❤❤❤❤
@@marinamartinez3512 This is a great idea! Definitely will need to do that. I want to catalog all her plants with their names, along with what care they need. Maybe I can make it work😅
I found myself yelling in recognition at the video as I watched this. Sooo many fantasy-self musings. "I'll be happier/better/stronger once I clean my house, once my skin is clear, once I can do this move at the gym, once I grow my hair out this length...." Mine don't necessarily involve making purchases, but I too know that doomed-to-disappointment fantasy-self thought process. Thank you for gently and compassionately articulating this bizarre way of thinking, I have truly never had an original experience. Best health and wishes to you and your wonderful little family as y'all get the move underway!
When I retired, I had a fantasy self vision of myself. All of it came to a screeching halt when I became gravely ill with CKD. After I lost a kidney, I had to reevaluate my expectations of myself. I’m now on a healing journey with both feet on the ground. Taking baby steps to strive toward the ideal without beating myself up when I don’t attain the goals I set out to achieve. Life is about balance.
You are still you, no matter where one moves. I had to learn that when I bought my dream house. I “arrived,” yet had no “dream house” habits to help me maintain my space. Much luck on creating systems and habits to maximize your dream!
As a behavior therapist, I super appreciate you challenging these common myths! Change requires a ton of step by step behaviors which your video demonstrates excellently.
Mail: deal with it as you bring it into the house by passing by the paper recycling - much of it doesn't even need to come into the house. Open and "peel" the stuff you actually need to keep as you edit the junk into the recycling. All the outer envelopes and inserts that will end up there? Put them in now. Lastly, have the location/final step of your system near the entrance so the now much reduced pile of mail goes immediately to it's "act on me" location. Your insight that it will take setting up MANY new systems to get to a calm, low clutter new place is half the battle - the other half is being kind to yourself as you slog through all that work.
Also….leave it there. I only get the mail when I want to, which is not every day. Yes, this has its limitations. Don’t come at me if you don’t want to be empowered. I also opted out of offers and do so again when things sneak in.
Or do my boyfriend's method: Get all ready to go somewhere, keys, coat, shoes on etc., exit the apt., lock door behind you, THEN say "wait a minute I'm going to check the mail." go back in for mail key, get mail outside, bring it back inside, every time. 🤣 But at least this does make it easier to throw stuff in the recycle bin outside.
We keep our legal documents and tax stuff in a weird place in our house because of the mail actually! It is easier to put everything where it goes immediately than to create a pile. When I grab the mail I do not sit down until it is all stowed or thrown away.
Very wise advice. I needed that wake up call to chase away my fantasy self, thank you! The self that doesn't really exist and prevents us from being fully engaged in our present self
As I look back on my life, in my 70s, I see that I was always trying to improve. I did learn and grow, but I was often frustrated. I wish I had accepted my imperfect self and my imperfect life a little sooner. I’m still seeking the minimal wardrobe, less clutter and better eating 😂. Also, motherhood is the shortest fastest path to enlightenment so you’re on your way.
I’ve moved close to 30 times in my life. It absolutely was a pattern of thinking I had to learn to look at and compare what life I was building in my head as a possibility in the “next place” vs what my lived experience told me was reality. Now if I want to change a habit or explore something different about myself, start a new hobby, etc., I start with what I have where I am. If I can make do with that and it catches on and persists, THEN I think about upgrading. I’ve definitely learned that the change and the momentum has to come from the internal first. Which isn’t always easy to keep to because if there is one thing I LOVE, it’s getting new tools. I will take on any new hobby or skill or what not if it comes with special tools and materials 😂
The idea that you shouldn’t go all in unless you know it’s gonna stick is a very good one that I only learned more recently. And no hobbies that require specialized tools. That and forming the habit itself works exactly the same way. Start by carving out the time with the smallest unit of that hobby or change and then add complexity, like learning anything. You don’t expect kids to come out of the womb ready to go. We teach them gross motor skills and then fine motor skills, and then how to speak, and then how to speak while walking (which I still have trouble with sometimes😂).
My husband and I moved last year from NJ to CA, leaving behind our boat, on which we had lived aboard for over a decade (great way to declutter and go minimal btw because your furniture is fixed and there is only so much space aboard😂). We only took what could be fit in the trunks of our two vehicles, and a couple of suitcases. We moved into an apartment and worried that we’d go overboard but since we didn’t know how long we’d be here, we decided to only buy exactly the furniture that was needed and the few things we needed to organize the space and light it. We live very conveniently located (we can walk to a plaza that has everything we need) so we actually do eat at home much more often. Our lie to ourselves was how much more we would do and how much better our budgeting would be without needing to do everything we did on the boat.
Loved this. Great reality check. Our system: Toss/recycle any junk mail as soon as we bring the mail in. Packages are sorted at the end of the day if there’s any. Letter mail goes into a little basket. I sort it every Friday.
Being realistic with myself about my cooking habits helped me let go of fantasy self kitchen accoutrements. I'm not gonna bake bread from scratch, I'm not making waffles ever Sunday for brunch, I'm not going to sous vide soft boiled eggs. I *WILL* chuck a bunch of shit in an air fryer or instant pot, and at this point, I use these more often than my stove or oven
Re mail: i dont bring any mail in the house unless it needs to be responded or read. I keep a paper shredder right by the door and shred any docuemnts the moment i step in the house. Anything thay needs to be addressed/responded/read goes into my hobonochi planner paperclipped to a day in the next week ill have time to deal with it. As a mom of two disabled children who homeschools and runs her own business I get a lot of mail that needs to be sorted and Ive had the death piles and missed some pretty important deadlines and appts because of it. My husband actually ran an outlet specifically for our shredder in the entryway when we bought our home 6 years aho because I was determined to make a change. And it worked!
Learning about the "arrival fallacy" was a breakthrough moment for me. It's basically what you're saying here, this idea that everything will be different once event X occurs. For a long time I believed I wasn't capable of enacting changes I wanted in life, always due to some obstacle or another, but turning 30 made me realize the stars wouldn't ever magically align and create the life I wanted-I was the one who had to make it happen.
Listening to this as I am engaging in my own “doing the work” behavior changes. We moved to a new state at the end of last year and it’s taken way longer than expected to find a house. In the mean time we’ve been renting a furnished apartment, so while all of our needs are met, almost all of our things are in storage. Because this situation is temporary, and also frustrating because we thought it would only be a month or two, I’ve found myself not making much of an effort in trying to keep it organized and declutterred. I realized about 1.5 months ago that I need to take care of this place the same way I would our home, because it is our home, even if temporary. Finding and moving into a house won’t suddenly mean that it’ll be organized and decluttered, I need to earn that reality by doing the work, and that starts with doing the work in the less than ideal conditions. ❤
Being in a new space has more of an impact than bringing something new into an existing space. The fact that you're going through this process, discussing it, and thinking of actionable steps, I believe, will further increase the likeliness that you will turn those fantasies into reality. Your awareness is beautiful to witness. Good luck!
Hannah, I have moved 16 times in my life. The greatest thing about a move is that it gives you a chance to use the reset button of your life. Sometimes it gives us a chance to evaluate what is really important. I have given all my furniture away so many times but it has caused me to ask "why is keeping this so important?" I once gave away my much loved piano because there was no room for it in my new place. Two days later a friend gave me her tax refund to buy myself a weighted key - keyboard. I could slide the keyboard under the bed and bring it out when wanted. And I had the benefit of being loved on from this friend. I came out very blessed.
Thank you so much for making this content and your channel in general. It is a dose of reality in my day as I float from one computer task to another. Re: the idea that you will become a different person by owning a different home, I found that it was true only in one way for me. When I became a home owner and no longer a renter, my whole life became a settled deal to me. This is who I am and where I live. Now, I must really work hard on making changes to myself, because there is no symbolic new door to step through. I became more at ease with having a safe space, but recalcitrant to progress in myself, somehow. Our space defines us if we let it.
RE the mail: My husband has adhd and I have anxiety, we split the mental load. His job is to bring the mail into the house to a certain spot. My job is to parse what's important, open important mail, respond to what I can and set aside the ones he actually has to look at. What it comes down to is I toss the junk mail as I sit in my chair, and open stuff as my computer boots up, most opened mail still goes to the trash. Occasionally there will be something that goes into the 'touch base' pile, or tax material that needs to be filed away. Over the years very few things are more than that.
I have ADHD and the one thing that made a complete 180 degree change to my organisation skills was The Life Changing Magic of Tidying by Marie Kondo. I can't tell you how much that book changed my life!! I did it over 6 months, by setting aside a weekend every couple of weeks to tackle one bit at a time. I periodically go through the house now and if I feel things have built up or need to be reorganised again, I put some time aside again, but it's never gone back to being cluttered like it was originally
Hannah, your self-reflection is so valuable.Absolutely guilty of those like most of us, so it's a very good reminder to get some perspective to avoid a lot of frustration. Will try to apply it to my own life! Currently in therapy and health process and I think I've put a lot of expectations there...
We move every few years for my husband's job--four times in the past five years. I find that it actually can lead to a really good declutter and improved habits, but 1. There absolutely has to be an action plan. 2. I have to be kind to myself and not have unrealistic time constraints. Six months to get everything the way I want it and move forward on desired changes. And 3. Maintaining good habits for me requires a really systematic approach. For example, one in, one out on clothes, habit stacking to keep the momentum on workouts, meditation, taking vitamins, etc. Meal planning the same time every week, ditto for grocery shopping, etc. Obviously, life happens, but it helps me stay or get back on track to have the whole apparatus in place. I cannot wait to see your new home.😊
So gooooood. Ok, 2 things. You are already on the spiritual journey. That IS the successful part. There is no "you" that achieves or attains anything spiritual. What happens is an unlayering down the truth which is consciousness itself. The human does no awaken. Consciousness awakens from the illusion of a separate human. Your dedication to self-inquiry is the meat, mama. Keep going. Number 2, when we wake up from the illusion of duality (which cause a separate sense of self/ a identity cluster of concepts that we think is "me"), we still live in duality. LOL. Its hilarious. But we stop sweating it. Life is an ebb and flow. Accumulate, release. Dirty, clean. Busy, uneventful. Build up, break down. There will never be a time when you are finished and everything culminates in some kind of end state. The secret to joyful presence is not a destination, but how the journey is seen, experienced and processed fully and consciously. You're already doing it. And rocking it, I might add. I LOVE your channel. I would love to interview you at some point for one of my community workshops. My (skincare) customers would absolutely love you and I'm sure would get so much from hearing about your journey and insights along the way.
I’m moving soon and this hits hard! I absolutely fantasize about how tidy and productive I’ll magically become in my new environs. Wonderful perspective and grounding into the present
I heard the other week 'you already are your fantasy self'. Which is a compliment that I decided to take. I think the red kitchen will be the perfect space for you to meditate. If you can be present during the preparation and eating of breakfast every morning, you do not need an extra meditation practice in a different room. Or when you make coffee or do the dishes. As far as mail, I still follow the Marie Kondo philosophy, which is discard everything.
I've had the fantasy of a better self in the future many times. I am planning a big move at the end of the year and trying not to project that things will be miraculously better once I move, because I've been in that space before. I try to remind myself that though the new move will bring a bigger support system and I'll probably be more emotionally filled being closer to my sister and friends when I do move to the new state, there will still be many actions that I need to take. In the past I've definitely been stuck in the thinking that when I move or change jobs or have a boyfriend or whatever the things is everything will be better. But whenever you go there you are, so yes focusing on the actions is important. Great video as always.
Well thought out and well said. After many years and several house moves, I realized a move is a great time to declutter only if you can make the time. In our last move, I finally had the time to stick to two rules: do not move any box you haven't opened since your last move (yes, I'm one of those crazy people who moved sealed boxes from one house to another), and "don't pack anything unless you're sure you'll use it or display it somewhere in the new space". What a relief to let go of the unloved "late relative" and of the emotionally hoarded knick-knacks. Think about doing the wardrobe declutter sorting while you're packing, then do the refining for the video when you have the time after the move. (btw - now that you have a baby, you'll feel like you never have time to do everything on your list. It's ok. Take a deep breath and know that you won't get everything done but you will be in good company.)
Yes Hannah 👏👏👏 I convinced myself, in the depths of my PhD program, that all my anxiety and panic attacks would go away once I graduated (conveniently forgetting that they existed, albeit at a lower intensity, prior to the program). Once I graduated, I had to come to terms with the fact that mental health problems won’t go away on their own! I had to put the work into therapy, meditation, yoga and my faith in order minimize their effects on my life. Having moved into a new house about 8 months ago, I also am continually undergoing a period of visualization and revision. I love hearing this from someone else 💕 thank you for the encouragement!
I can totally relate! We had a dream of being homesteaders in the country and leaving suburbia. It took us almost 5 years to make a plan, save up the money, find the right house, and then when we were finally almost ready to move, I got pregnant with my 3rd and decided to stay in suburbia close to my midwife for one more year. It was YEARS of having this romantic fantasy of waking up to the roosters and picking fresh produce, but living a reality of a suburban Orange County housewife. I could feel myself growing in discontentment and angst. What helped me get through that limbo time was making a list of what my focus would be in the few years I had left in OC- spending time with extended family that lives there, taking advantage of all the beaches and exquisite shopping and fun kid activities that I would not have in the country. And trying to do whatever I could in my present life to prepare for my future home- learning to raise quail in the backyard, bake bread, cook with CSA box veggies to learn how to use my future harvest. Those last years in OC were actually very sweet. I now am living my fantasy life. Truth is, we now have new fantasies of travelling to tropical places (as a respite from our desert farm life!) It's funny, we never stop dreaming right?
I love this video! i just moved, and i had very similar thoughts prior to moving- “i’ll cook more often” “i’ll keep tidy” “i’ll become a better person/deepen my connection with myself” and i have put some things in place that will help me achieve those things, but i also realize that i craved change because change was already inevitable. In a sense, Newton’s First Law. And when change stops hurling itself towards me in such direct ways, I know I’ll slow myself down to a pace that is more realistic and sustainable. The goal, is to maintain as much of the novelty-driven habits as is healthy
I moved across country into a much smaller apartment and got rid of 95% of my things, and still somehow brought too many things for the space and don't have room for storage. It was a huge dose of humble pie to realize that I could whittle my life down to what fit in a car and I'm still a person who needs to build the skills to establish and maintain a quiet space. Moving made me unable to hide from the problem, but it didn't "fix" the problem just by moving somewhere I am confronted by it. I try to lean into the energy of being unable to hide from a change being needed being the energy to begin a change. It's so easy to pretend changing a situation will change how I react to it, even though I know better.
In 12 step programs, this is called “doing a geographical” where you move to a new city or move away from your friend group, thinking it will help you solve your addictive behavior. But you really need to do the work from the inside to make the change. I wrote my six-word memoir thinking of this, and it’s “Wherever I go, there I am.”
Omg you’re so right. I do this too when I’m traveling or thinking of moving abroad or dreaming of a dream life that could never be real be real because I am not extroverted or whatever else would be required
Part of my growth in the last year of doing yoga and becoming more grounded in my body is that my brain has started shifting from imagining a “fantasy self” when I imagine my future, and now instead projects my present self, my present body, and even my present discomfort connected and intertwined with my dreams of the future. My wife and I are moving soon too, so this struggle your describing is happening to me right now. I’m trying to brace myself for the change and the inevitable BOTH that will happen as we move. We will have more space, in a place that is where we are meant to be AND we will have to work to cultivate a life that we love every day. I might even take some time after watching this video to think on what the sensory experience will feel like being in our new space. We are physical beings, not just spiritual, so sometimes I feel like the fantasy might be a projection of the spiritual? I always need a reminder that both happen in tandem. Thank you so much for sharing this part of your internal processing, it’s beyond valuable.
I have 2 toddlers and and pregnant with our 3rd and we are moving in 2 weeks, I feel you when you say things are chaotic! Also please look up videos of those anabei couches if you are thinking of buying one. They are basically like lawn furniture. So many comments state that you can feel the bars while laying on them.
for me, i left a toxic workplace after fantasizing about leaving for so long, and it was a huge relief to finally do it, but then the months of unemployment afterwards was an ACTUAL challenge to get through, from burnout recovery to working up the energy to job-hunt again, it was quite the rollercoaster, but i'm a few months into a new job now, so it all worked out pretty okay i think! sidenote, your video on the fantasy self was the first one of yours i ever watched! i think about it so much ever since then and your content has really helped change the way i think about myself and my relationship to the things i own/buy, so thank you for that
Here's my system for keeping mail under control: I have most of my bills set up on autopay, so that cuts down on physical mail I have to respond to. For physical mail, I empty my mailbox and immediately sort out the obvious junk mail, which I deposit right away in the recycling bin in my garage. I walk through the door from the garage into my kitchen and put the remaining mail (if any) on the counter. Before doing anything else, I open all the envelopes and look at the contents. I sort everything into three piles: recycle (which, again, I immediately throw into the bin right outside the door), file, and "must handle." I try to file the filing stuff right away. The "must handle" pile - which most days is either pretty small or nonexistent - I put in a designated spot on my desk, and try to handle that night after dinner. This system takes just a few minutes every day and keeps me from periodically having to handle a huge pile of undifferentiated stuff.
I think that house moves have a way of returning us to ourselves and help to outline our own values and priorities moving forward. By recognising that the house itself won't effect these changes but still honouring the desires and hopes that gave rise to them, I suspect you will gently and steadily continue to create a life that brings you deep fulfilment ❤
This is sensible and helpful, Hannah, thank you. Perhaps you see the new house as a more permanent home, a place to plant your roots. A place your child will grow, your marriage will adapt and grow, and you'll grow too! As you say, the fantasy alone isn't enough but the change to a home that feels more permanent does make a big difference to our choices/behaviour. Cheers!
I have CPTSD so that feeling of good life will happen in the future and being unable to be in the present is a chronic struggle of mine. But the only thing we can do is to DO, to take action, yet it feels impossible. I don't know what the solution is here. I think sometimes, tomorrow will be the day I start doing - but it's the same issue, why tomorrow? What makes tomorrow different? What will actually change? Nothing! I just need to do it NOW. And yet I struggle with being able to. I've lived so much of my life just waiting, on pause, for life to begin and now it is... life..... I need to be beginning.
Love it! I've moved too many times when I was renting and now that we own a place with my partner I can't seem to shift the feeling that we should sell and move and we'd be much happier in a new place....
I really needed this video. I have to move unexpectedly during a really unfortunate time and I've caught myself buying for that dopamine hit under the guise of organizing/optimization without putting in the actual work.
I go paperless where possible, that cuts down on the mail. I too have dealt with the same things you’re talking about - balancing the fantasy self with reality. For me I have to create habits that lead to success (like opening and declutterring mail daily). It’s only by creating new habits that we make change stick. Good luck on your new home and move! ❤
As I open the mail, I sort into three piles: 1) To be processed for recycling (plastic windows torn off, sensitive info removed, then thrown into the paper recycling); 2) To be actioned (I actually have to do something: pay a bill, make an appointment); 3) To be kept on the off chance I'll need it in future. I used to think I needed to perfectly file everything in separate sections of a folder/binder, but that was too big a hurdle, so it would just pile up and become overwhelming. Now I "file" paperwork I might need someday in one drawer (IIRC this idea came from Marie Kondo and I was sceptical at first, but it works for me.) If I ever do need a particular letter or bill, I know to look through the Boring But Important drawer. It might take a little while to sort through to find the one I need, but I know it's there because that's where all the boring stuff goes. And flicking through to find the one I need will take far less time than pointlessly filing them all separately (or more likely letting a messy Pile of Shame accumulate). BTW, in the five years I've lived in my current house, I've gone into that drawer to retrieve something maybe once.
As someone who moved just over a year ago, I can totally relate to everything you said. I’m 40 and disabled, I still live with my parents who are getting older, and it takes 4 adult to have this home that we are really grateful for. I get more space for myself, a space that makes me feel more independent and like an adult. Before we moved, having a space where I could put a desk and write was important. And I did get that. I thought that it would help me write everyday- just because now I had a designated area that wasn’t tucked into a closet (though closet offices are great). Now I realize that just because I have the space doesn’t mean I’ll write everyday. Does it help? Yes. But I am still disable by my chronic illnesses and “writing everyday” just because I got a desk off Craigslist and have a spot to put it in doesn’t magically put me at the desk or give me the ability to be flowing with words every single day. But that’s okay. And as far as being minimal and clutter free, I’ve also learned after we moved that some areas of my living space are just gonna be cluttered. There will always be a messy pile of books at the foot of my nightstand. Clothes will be on a now designated clothes chair (I refinished a chair just because I know I do this, so I might as well make myself something special- even if it’s taking me months to finish it). But- I have been keep my vanity (my old tiny desk) mostly organized. So that did change, but I think it’s only because when I’m sitting in bed reading or whatever, it’s right across from me. So that’s something I do bc it’s an eyesore. It’s still a bit cluttered and probably needs to be dusted but it’s better. The rest I’ve learned to accept and let go. Bc I’m not going to be a minimalist- or a maximalist- I’m gonna be what I am. And it’s taken me this long to figure that out. 😂
Smiling as I’m watching… This month of May is my “Use What I Have” month, based on your previous “No Buy” periods. Clutter has taken over my private space and is starting to invade the public parts of our home much to the dismay of my husband. Time to address the mess. Regarding the mail and recycling, we keep a basket next to the kitchen table where we read the mail and newspapers. It is so satisfying to toss the junk mail and the read papers into it.
The conversation around fantasy vs realizing your dreams in such a context makes it so easy to understand. Love it. .... and I am envious of Hannah's makeup, eyebrows and hair rn. Currently in fantasy state of how I am going to achieve such a look lmao.
Great video! You reminded me of something in my life. I go through these yearnings for “more meditations” and I’m reminded by you (thank you!) of my repeated realizations that my yearning for more meditation or a better place to meditate is really my yearning for more of the fruits of my practice. I’m craving what I get from my practice time in greater amounts than I currently have. Because I feel frazzled. Or ever so tired and unable to focus therefore. Or a long period of not feeling well and not feeling up to even doing yoga (moving meditation for me). Or I’m traveling lots and there’s just no settled place that makes it easy to get into that deep grove that I can at home. Whatever prompted the yearning, it’s really me craving that deeper, more focused equanimity that I find in myself when my meditation time bears fuller fruits. My solution is often to altar build. I move things around, dust, get out things I haven’t sat with in a while, put things away that don’t feel right at the moment. I swap in new practices or resume ones I haven’t done in a while. I bring a travel altar with a little something that feels like it represents everything I desire feeling after I meditate. When I go through these little rituals, I end up yet again remembering that it’s all about how I invoke my attention and intent. That’s how I get the fruits. I just did this whole cycle yet again in the past few weeks. It’s good to be prompted to put it into words so I can affirm I did the work and the fruits are coming to me. 😊Yay me…
I keep a single hanging file for all catalogues and coupons. When it feels too full, I sort out the old unwanted items. This avoids having to think about which I might want/need/use and prevents clutter from building up, or important mail being lost in that clutter.
Good luck Hannah! My husband and I purchased a property that we totally gutted and redid, a month before I got pregnant. Life was chaos. Our baby is now almost 3 years old, and honestly, life actually never got “less busy” as the goals were accomplished. So although I understand your thought process, I believe once you have kids…. Life is just busier lol. I thought same as you, once we are done with this we’ll have more time for this…. Hahahaha… that was my lie. Lots of love Hannah! Remember to ENJOY THE RIDE!!!! ❤❤❤❤
Thanks for this! We had just bought a house and moved in with a toddler and my dreams (similar to yours actually) are taking FOREVER to come to fruition. But I have recently realized that it's not the dreams I have to give up, it's the expectation of timing. I can do it - in time. It will not be immediate like my brain was dreaming it would be. As for the mail, I immediately set the relevant mail in a specific tray that lives on my desk for when I am ready to sort it and anything I am not going to keep, I give to my toddlers and they just have fun ripping it up and throwing it around until they're done, at which point I throw it away. It gives the junk mail an actual purpose before it meets it's end in the trash (our shredder is broken or I would send it there in the end).
I love it when you do this type of content!!! Also I am so glad you recommended Julia to us all. Learning from her, a spiritually grounded and trauma informed teacher, has helped me reconnect with this work in a more overtly spiritual way. Thank you!!
Best video since the last vest video😁 “you take yourself with you wherever you go” but fantasy can help build reality. So somethings will certainly be easier 😊 but yes no change without action 🤗 thanks for what you do 😘
A long time ago, my yoga teacher encouraged me to put something in my home that represented the practice to me, and put it where I see it all the time. So that every time I glanced at it I would get the feeling of connection, wisdom and love that I felt at yoga. I eventually chose a small print of a painting I love, and whenever I see it in my day I breathe a little deeper. I think as a natural lover of beautiful things, you may already have objects like this. Maybe planning a place for them in your new home would be a way to acknowledge both the strivey changey-ness you feel right now, and the deep knowledge that you are already home in the moment. A deep bow to both. I think you are so wise to unpack the fantasy that the house will change you, but I am also struck by how it is just a beautifully human thing that we do.
This concept of "buying stuff won't get you to your aspirational self" is super interesting to me as someone with ADHD and MCAS, because yes, obviously, we do have to put in work and systems to get the results we want. However there are times when I have discovered a hack or purchased something that DRAMATICALLY improved my functioning (unscented laundry detergent, ADHD meds, antihistamines, loop earplugs). So now I'm thinking about the difference between purchases that remove barriers and make something accessible vs purchases that are aspirational aids to becoming the person I want to be. . . because outwardly they often look the same before purchase. But one will have immediate effect, and the other requires more sustained effort to have an impact. And sometimes I get them mixed up, which causes frustration. I'm glad to have language to distinguish between them now.
I have so many thoughts about all of this BUT the main thing I relate to is that all of these fantasies involve getting more space either in your brain or body-something I never achieved no matter how hard I tried or how much I berated myself while I still had children at home. Now, its easy to stay on top of the mail and my closets and cooking (ok meditating is still hard) but it was the crucible of attempting to do those things all those years despite the chaos and failing every day is what makes it easy now. And also, I miss the chaos!
i want to respectfully share that i didn't have as positive an experience with Julia Frodahl, however i'm grateful she's helped you so much over the years as self care and self growth are such beautiful ways to evolve in life. i was really hoping to find a meditation practice that works well for me but am patient it will find its way to me in whatever fashion its meant to. i've started new habits as well similar to some of what you've described here and taking the actions to maintain it is its own form of active meditation which i also find rewarding :). i forget who said this but there's a distinction between "washing the dishes so the dishes will be clean in the future, and washing the dishes." the latter being its own reward. basically, finding joy through all the moment to moment acts in our lives. i'm a glass of wine in for the eve so hoping this makes sense but as always ty for sharing your journey and insights with us Hannah!
This was exactly the reminder I needed right now. I put my two weeks’ notice in yesterday for my desk job and I’ll be working towards doing theatre and teaching dance full time. My biggest fear at this point (besides disappointing my amazingly supportive husband) is that instead of using my new free time to actually work on things, I’ll waste it. I need to get specific about what is a commitment and what is optional, so that I don’t quit as soon as it gets hard. Side note: I recently read The Predictable Heartbreaks of Imogen Finch. One of the main themes is controlling your own life and implementing change in a healthy way. Y’all should give it a read.
I love how self reflective you are! And that you used the word thesis! You demonstrate the examined life in the real world. Also, I suspect your desire for minimalism and your longing for meditation are directly related to the current demands of your stage in life and the need to mess with allll your stuff in order to move. Hang in there!
Such a great video and what a great way to adjust your own disposition. It's always so interesting to me to hear others talk about their fantasies with this level of honesty, because it also sheds light on just how weirdly specific my own fantasies are. My fantasy of a dream home (that also includes a much more mindful, minimalist, and healthy me, of course) includes a lot of intentional clutter, that's what feels warm to me. Your video inspired me to think about how to create that warmth without stuff, because stuff is just stuff, it's not the clutter that makes my dream home the dream home. Super interesting topic and such a good take on it
The best piece of advice I can give you about declutterring and about managing the mail is to tell yourself another layer of the truth about how you function. If you think you’re going to look at that sale flyer later, but they pile up and you feel overwhelmed because you aren’t doing that thing you think you should do, stop doing it. Of course this is just an example. But I know what we get in the mail, and about 90% of it goes straight to the recycle bin. If you get a lot of mail because of your business, that’s perhaps a more complicated issue, but that’s more about managing work flow than managing mail. 🤷🏻♀️ Minimalism can be paring down on stuff you think you have to do, as well as stuff you own. Also, have you read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky? Two thumbs up 👍🏼👍🏼
About the mail, you have to sort it as soon as you get in the house. Put the junk straight in the recycling and have separate cubbies for yourself and your husband - or whatever categories work for you - and make sure to go through the categories on a regular basis so that important deadlines are not missed. I definitely relate to this topic. I am currently struggling with focusing too much on a future living arrangement. We moved into our current apartment 2.5 years ago with the thought that we wouldn't be here long. The apartment is terrible for many reasons. I mean it's live-able, but there are a lot of things that make our quality of life not as high as it could be. I often fanaticize about how things will be when we finally move. It has made me procrastinate investing effort or money into improving our current situation because what's the point if we're moving soon anyway? But the reality is we don't know when we're moving and it probably isn't soon. That realization and the realization that some of it is habits and behavior, not the actual space, has helped me to finally get some key furniture pieces, do some decluttering and rearranging and implement better systems for organization and chores. I'm still working on a lot of the attitude, habits, and behavior changes, but I feel like I've almost reached the limit of how much of the physical space I can improve, which is frustrating.
Watching this video as I drink my morning coffee and make eggs for breakfast ❤️ Also the timing on this is so great, as we are on the hunt for a larger house, and tell myself i'll have effective organizing systems, and will garden more, and exercise because hopefully we'll have easy access to outdoor trails, and man, i can't wait to at least have the opportunity to try implementing all of those things!
Really excellent. Having moved many times ..: it is quite a shock to do so and whatever dreams you need to tell to get you through that time is great - especially with your logic about it all. So well stated. I wish you and yours calm and healthy transitions. 🙏❤️
Junk mail and magazines took over a few years ago. One day I got mad at the piles and decided I was done. I dissolved the piles into mostly recycling with very little filing, then I registered for USPS informed delivery. I check the USPS email and visualize what I will keep or recycle before I ever see or touch it. I haven’t struggled with the mail mess and it feels good. Plus, I love knowing what’s lurking in the mail box before I open it! Take the steps-life’s to sweet and short to pretend. xo
There's always massive pressure to be/do/live better, I find, when there is a big "fresh start" looming on the horizon like a move. We can only do so much and while it can be motivating, it's also an exhausting state to be in. I try to take one big change at a time... and bookmark the other to do's until that change is complete.
I also find it super taxing to be in limbo or suspended between two "worlds" or be "in process". So I hear you. Signed, Moved twice in less than a year with two children and a new relationship
This is probably a bit serious of a take on this subject but it really hit home for me. I spent all of 2023 ending a 15 year marriage. I was living by their family in a place I’d only lived a year so I knew I would leave once I got things tied up. So I spent the year moving out, filing for divorce, making arrangements for my relocation. I kept saying the year was limbo and it will be so much better once I’m out of limbo. I have now executed all my plans, in my new place, closer to family, new job, and I am struggling immensely with grief and depression. As I crossed state lines I didn’t magically feel lighter and free. All we have is here and now and changing everything didn’t suddenly help me to process my marriage ending. I’m hoping what I’m doing will help (therapy, medications, trying to make friends) but the change in and of itself did not.
And for mail, I literally don’t bring it into the house. I sort it as I carry it in and immediately recycle junk and put important things in a designated spot where I keep home office types of stuff. So then it piles up there for me to take care. 😂😂😂
Such a great reality check! I lie to myself every week than 'when Monday comes I will be that better ideal dreamed me without mail piling'. :D I do work towards being more organized and productive person, but it's hard sometimes, haha.
I finally broke up with my boyfriend after years of imagining how much happier I’d be without him. The immediate gratification after the break up was euphoric. I was the happiest I’ve ever been. Now, about 4 months post break up, I’m realizing my ex wasn’t the whole issue. I’m having to look into my soul and discover there’s more inner work to be done.
this is such a good example and also so intense! Thank you for sharing
Ok. This sounds kind of like me except not broken up. This video and comment does relate to some existential things I'm thinking about lately.
Oooooof, that’s relatable. Congrats on being happier and doing the work. 🙏🏼
Thanks for that comment! I'm having doubts lately brought by a need for uncompromising independence and unburdened day to day but I've come to the conclusion that leaving wouldn't really make me happie. If anything, sadder and messier. Now I'm trying to stay focused on working out my thinking patterns, being grateful for the amazing person growing with me and just letting myself see where this goes without overthinking. Wish you the best for the future and to see yourself truly. 🌷
@@LaFilleTerribleme too, sister. Me too. My partner is as good as a partner can be, truly. I’ve always worn the armor of independence and avoided any relying on anyone, because my life required it of me when I was young.
I’m thick in my own personal weeds of “why am I trying so hard to convince myself he’s not the one?” And more broadly, “why am I trying to so hard to convince myself that my life isn’t where it should be”. There’s some intangible “something” that isn’t right, but I’m trying to examine if maybe I’m standing in my own way of accepting the good things I’ve worked hard for.
I’ve landed somewhere in the arena that I’ve protected myself my whole life by saying “you don’t get the 100% experience, so just be happy with 85%. 100% is unavailable to you”. But now that I have the chance at 100%, I’m convinced I’ve only been served 85% options, cause that’s all I “deserve”.
Idk if that’s close to your experience or not, this line of thought for me has been very helped by the conversation about contentment on this channel! Anyone else get teary eyed when Hannah talks about how her life was in the purgatory box but she decided to keep it?
love this -- my Dad used to say, no matter where you go - there you are... in other words, you bring the you you are with you :)
I love his saying!! I’ll keep it in mind!!! Thank you for sharing
Mine says this all the time.
Keeps me humble!
@ros8986 that's fantastic -- my Dad was born in 1923, so it was a lifetime tenet for him
Eheh also a tenet from Seneca (4 BC). And a good one still 2000 years later
Yes! You take yourself with you, wherever you go 😊
Re:mail clutter; I have a rule that spam mail isn’t allowed in the house, so when I go out to get the mail, I flick through it to separate things that are obviously spam, and toss them in the trash bin before I even open the door. Some days that means I walk in the house empty handed, so it cuts down on the clutter big time, and makes it easier to organize and keep track of the important stuff.
Great idea! I need to start this. My house is bombarded with paper things. When your kiddo gets older there will be so many papers from daycare/school/etc. The mail just adds to it.
I do the same but put it right into the recycling bin - even for mail thst I want envelopes go right into recycling bin
Same
I have paper recycling right next to my mail tray. I toss the flyers and junk mail. Most of the envelopes go in the trash. I open the mail and flatten the mail in the tray. I also save some envelopes with bullfrog clip. That becomes “pages” for a list. The list goes in the kitchen.
I do this. It seems so logical! But. I'm not the only one who gets the mail. Technically the chore belongs to my 5 year old, and I really don't trust her to toss anything but those newspaper flyers of ads....😂 so we deal with it in the house as quickly as possible..
I've made a rule for myself that I have to start a behavior BEFORE I purchase the item that I imagine will "manifest my dream life".
For example: I want a bike, but I have to prove to myself that this fits into my current life before I make that big purchase. So, I am walking and running more. I have regularly made active leisure time a priority, which means this will be a valuable tool for the person I am NOW instead of counting on it to magically transform me into an active person.
I feel a bit called out lol. We just bought our first own house after renting for 20 years and here I sit dreaming what I will become in the new house in two months time and basically neglecting my current life. "Naah I won't go for a walk NOW, I will start my walking life after we move as the roads are probably better..."😅
Hannah proudly introducing herself as a writer makes my soul happy :)
Hannah, i love how your channel and content has transformed so organically and creates so much diversity within the beauty space. I appreciate that sometimes it’s old school beauty youtube and many times it’s shifting paradigms and aha moments 💕💕💕 thank you for creating this wonderful content for us!
Thank you so much!!
Completely agree
My house has never once become less cluttered just because we get a place with more space. We just keep filling it with more stuff.
truth
I agree, the opposite has always been true actually. The less space the more tidy and streamlined it was and the more space the less strict I needed to be with myself😅
I feel this so deeply! The first time we moved it only took two trips with a pick up truck. The second time we moved, we needed a rented Uhaul truck because we had amassed so much more stuff in our larger home. Now, I couldn't imagine moving from our even bigger house as our stuff has just multiplied. :(
@aliciasalazar9738 Yup especially once we had kids our goose was cooked, stuff-wise.
It is the goldfish effect. Each person has an amount of visual clutter that makes them feel comfortable. So, larger space, you need more clutter to reach that same point. The only way to combat this, I’ve found, is to move every year or so and then live on a boat with someone who needs zero visual clutter😂. We moved across country with two sedan style SUVs and what could fit in their hatchbacks, along with two large suitcases. It would probably take a small trailer now because on a boat furniture is in built and we have a bed, couch and TVs now but we really do not have much else…yet.😂
I’m not meaning to burst your bubble of the super cool closet Declutter video, and I would absolutely love to see that, but would you rather do the Declutter before moving, and that way you wouldn’t have to move as much stuff? Not that you need it, but just giving you permission to do that rather than saving the job to film for us after you move. 😊
I thought this too. It’s so kind of you to wait. It would bug me to move clothes I plan to declutter.
Yeah, it's called YARD SALE that you have after you pack. And then what's leftover can go to thrift store unless you're going to have another sale at the new place and store it some more.
I've done it both ways - weirdly, RIGHT after a big move I find myself much more ruthless because the pain of moving is so fresh that my belongings suddenly seem much less valuable hahaha
@@parcheesy33this actually makes sense to me. I think sometimes too, it is easier to declutter a new space that is already clean, which is why so many hoarding situations pull everything out first.
I would prefer to declutter in a new space, because moving is stressful. After the move there might be more mental capacity for decluttering your wardrobe.
I don't think that strategy makes sense for every category, but I know that you/Hannah have curated your wardrobe for decades. That's why it might be nice to do it after a stressful move and take your time
I love in my dream house (im old and lucky). I spent SO LONG trying to make everything perfect. It took a long time to realize that a house is not static, its constantly in motion, now i think of her as a ship under sail and sometimes there are storms and its chaos and sometimes there are wide open blue days and it's not, but its not a show home and it never will be.
I love this comparison! Thank you for sharing your perspective.
I buy workout clothes under the delusion that the reason I haven't been working out is because the workout clothes I already own are old, don't fit right, too heavy, too hot, too loose, too tight, etc. But, of course, they're all just excuses. Working out in new, lululemon workout gear is a more pleasant experience... But it doesn't fundamentally change me as a person to someone who works out on the daily. I have to do that part myself - which was the root of the problem all along.
I agree with you…. I kept telling myself if I buy those leggings, buy that set then I’ll be ready to workout… the outfit would come and I’d just stash it away. I realized it wasn’t the clothing it was me, I needed to commit
For me, I also realized the root reason I wasn’t exercising was because I was pushing myself too hard when I did exercise, so I was essentially unintentionally punishing myself for doing something good for myself. Letting go of the toxic “bootcamp” mentality of gym culture opened up a lot of gentler exercise I do much more regularly.
@@emmelinesprig489yes this is HUGE!!
My version of this is that getting a Peloton would motivate me to work out at home when I have never before been able to motivate to work out at home. It did to a point, and there are some elements that make it different than just putting on a workout DVD or whatever, but I realized that just having the bike sitting there won’t fundamentally change my behavior
Sometimes it can be even more insidious. If I buy these items then I have incentive to use them because I spent good money. Might I make a suggestion if you were trying to make it a habit (it takes 21 days)? First block out the time to insert said habit with something similar but that does not require as much effort and maybe has more immediate rewards, this a lower barrier to getting started. My husband and I started walking after dinner, just so we could have time together and do something that wasn’t work, eat sleep, repeat. We started losing weight so that encouraged us to start tracking our food more honestly. We weighed things and measured, just so we could get a feel for how much we actually ate. Our FitBit app (we’d had them for a year but had barely used them) has one integrated that was really easy to use and we could set them so our calories automatically calculated. We started losing more so we focused on getting to fat burning zone while walking and increasing distance and intensity. Then when that wasn’t cutting it (and we were about to go into the freeze your behind season) we joined a gym because by now, 6 months in, it was a habit and we didn’t want to lose momentum. Two years later we’re both down to weights and up to strengths that allow us to live our lives freely, and we don’t even have to think about it. We still track food logs but not religiously, and workout every day (not always strenuously but it is activity) and we have been in maintenance for about a year.
I packed up my city townhouse of 10yrs mostly myself (as my husband was busy working) with 2 kids under 2yrs. We moved to a large acerage in the country, a life we'd dreamed of, veggie gardens, fresh produce, animals. Ideally l would recommend decluttering before but realistically l was throwing stuff into boxes at 2am before the removalists arrived at 8am 😆. What l didnt imagine was the hard work involved in said dream. I would say, the change did change me. I had to change. To this day l get a little spark of happiness every time l walk back to house from the garden with arms full of fresh food from my garden. Dreams.
As for the mail, walk right on past the bins before it even makes it inside. Brace yourself for the kids art, it will be the real downfall 😆
I find that I end up lying to myself about the kind of person I’ll be post-transition a lot and I think it has something to do with the idea of time passing or having passed; like that now that I’m starting a new year of school, or moving into a new apartment, I’m finally ‘ready’ to be the kind of person who chooses to get up early, or work on assignments ahead of time rather than at the last minute. But in actuality I am the same person I was three months ago when the last semester ended and I am the same person I was yesterday before I moved. The lie is ultimately that the transition itself will transform you, when really it only gives you the opportunity to transform yourself.
Having to downsize to a slightly smaller place was actually much better for my clutter situation than moving to a bigger place. It forced us to make difficult decisions about what to keep and how to store it based on what we genuinely had space for
I agree with this. It changes your mindset on “stuff”. It makes you think about how much good it actually represents in your life, why you have it and how much you have used it. My husband and I have moved a lot, and we lived aboard for over a decade. So we lived in a pretty small footprint. Because we were doing work on our boat, we had a storage unit for extra supplies and tools. It turned into an everything pile because well, out of sight. But because we moved the boat regularly, every couple of years, we had to clear the storage and eventually, once those projects were completed, we were able to discard storage entirely, because we knew that we hadn’t used certain things within that storage at all over several years and had paid to store it. We were essentially moving to a smaller home. Most recently we moved to a larger space but because we were moving cross country we opted to only pack what we could fit in the trunks of our two vehicles, along with two large suitcases. We have more now, but we only purchase things as they become necessary, ya know, like a bed😂.
Fantastic as always, and all of this PERFECTLY reminds me of the Romano Tours SNL sketch: "We can take you to the Amalfi Coast, the canals of Venice, the Vatican. But if you're Sad You at home, you're going to be Sad You in Italy." haha. There are no other us's than the ones we're carrying around with us day to day, so the present is where the work is. haha.
I realized years ago I needed to let go of my fantasy about perfect rooms with no messes. We just USE rooms in our homes and have multiple pets. And the pets bring me the most joy.. so I realized my real joys didn't align with my fantasies. That was a tough year of adjusting my mind, but on the other side, I'm genuinely content now. Much love as you find your peace.
yes! an important part for me is making sure that like.. the way I'm using my fantasy selves is a source of actionable inspiration, or good grounding perspective, and NOT as a means of comparison and self-punishment by berating myself for not being this perfect Me that doesn't exist. it's easy for me to lose sight of all the great progress I've made with myself lately, and all of my good qualities, when I'm only focusing on Fantasy Me.
My husband and I finally found a mail that works for us! Every day I get the mail and sort it into cubbies that we have right by the front door. There is one cubby for each person. I give my husband all the junk mail lol. Then about 2x a week I use my desk to work from home. I grab the mail on my way to the desk. At the desk I answer or pay anything that needs to be paid, and shred the rest. I also have my filing cabinet by the desk so I can file anything that needs saving.
I think the key aspects are having a place to put it and a plan to process it.
This is absolutely a mood. I keep thinking if I could just start all over again in a totally different, cleaner, more perfect-for-me space I would become the ideal version of myself in that space. No, self. You have to do the work.
Giving yourself grace in overwhelming seasons of life is so important. And moving with an infant is just an unbelievable amount at the same time.
Two points from having done both of them - no, you're not alone in this!
1. The new house is (like) another child/baby. You two are creating this new being, which takes that much (ongoing) work. A home becomes an other family member.
and that leads to the more potent, second point:
2. You will not be "over this" transition quickly. Just when part of it's in place, our ideas change, our needs change. And you've got a changing young human who will need different house designs at different ages.
All three of your ideal fantasies seem to me to be aspects of a NON-BABY HOME, with more energy, time, and bandwidth than my experience with babies and new-to-us homes with reno actually give you.
10 yrs after becoming kid-free, it's the babies I miss, chaos or not, more than I like the new tidiness. And I LOVE your insightful, courageous videos like this one. Thank you!
Two RUclips recommendations for dealing with mail and ‘clutter’- watch ‘minimal mom’ for mail and ‘a slob comes clean’ for the “container method”. You don’t need to watch multiple of their videos, just the most recent maybe explaining these two concepts. I found them so helpful. Especially Dana on declutterring. You can keep anything but not everything. It needs to fit in this container’. The answer isn’t more and prettier containers. Oh, and bandwidth! I can only keep what I can manage. I’d prefer to have a half empty drawer than one that is like Tetris. It’s very easy to put things away when it’s easy to put things away.
I love Dana K. White and her “Slob Comes Clean” content! Her books and RUclips videos help me so much!
There is so much in closet de-cluttering that is about fantasy self that I look forward to you tackling the issue. I know you will bring us interesting perspectives.
I will say that I always do a good declutter as I'm packing up to move. The hyper-minimal fantasy is unrealistic for me, but I can definitely miniMIZE in the moving process!
Glad to know I’m not alone; I am purchasing a home from a relative in a few years that has an amazing flower garden… my fantasy is that by having this garden, I will now be an incredible gardener 🤷🏻♀️ Sad to learn now that having the garden will not transform me at the moment of purchase into an excellent, experienced gardener 😂
Maybe spend sometime with your relative so they can teach you the upkeep of the homes gorgeous garden… or if too far maybe a video call? My mom has an amazing green thumb and I don’t but i caught myself watching her and I’ve picked up a couple of things❤❤❤❤
@@marinamartinez3512 This is a great idea! Definitely will need to do that. I want to catalog all her plants with their names, along with what care they need. Maybe I can make it work😅
I found myself yelling in recognition at the video as I watched this. Sooo many fantasy-self musings. "I'll be happier/better/stronger once I clean my house, once my skin is clear, once I can do this move at the gym, once I grow my hair out this length...." Mine don't necessarily involve making purchases, but I too know that doomed-to-disappointment fantasy-self thought process. Thank you for gently and compassionately articulating this bizarre way of thinking, I have truly never had an original experience. Best health and wishes to you and your wonderful little family as y'all get the move underway!
When I retired, I had a fantasy self vision of myself. All of it came to a screeching halt when I became gravely ill with CKD. After I lost a kidney, I had to reevaluate my expectations of myself. I’m now on a healing journey with both feet on the ground. Taking baby steps to strive toward the ideal without beating myself up when I don’t attain the goals I set out to achieve. Life is about balance.
You are still you, no matter where one moves. I had to learn that when I bought my dream house. I “arrived,” yet had no “dream house” habits to help me maintain my space. Much luck on creating systems and habits to maximize your dream!
As a behavior therapist, I super appreciate you challenging these common myths! Change requires a ton of step by step behaviors which your video demonstrates excellently.
Mail: deal with it as you bring it into the house by passing by the paper recycling - much of it doesn't even need to come into the house. Open and "peel" the stuff you actually need to keep as you edit the junk into the recycling. All the outer envelopes and inserts that will end up there? Put them in now. Lastly, have the location/final step of your system near the entrance so the now much reduced pile of mail goes immediately to it's "act on me" location.
Your insight that it will take setting up MANY new systems to get to a calm, low clutter new place is half the battle - the other half is being kind to yourself as you slog through all that work.
Also….leave it there. I only get the mail when I want to, which is not every day. Yes, this has its limitations. Don’t come at me if you don’t want to be empowered. I also opted out of offers and do so again when things sneak in.
Or do my boyfriend's method: Get all ready to go somewhere, keys, coat, shoes on etc., exit the apt., lock door behind you, THEN say "wait a minute I'm going to check the mail." go back in for mail key, get mail outside, bring it back inside, every time. 🤣 But at least this does make it easier to throw stuff in the recycle bin outside.
We keep our legal documents and tax stuff in a weird place in our house because of the mail actually! It is easier to put everything where it goes immediately than to create a pile. When I grab the mail I do not sit down until it is all stowed or thrown away.
@@belorama8 - exactly!
Very wise advice. I needed that wake up call to chase away my fantasy self, thank you! The self that doesn't really exist and prevents us from being fully engaged in our present self
As I look back on my life, in my 70s, I see that I was always trying to improve. I did learn and grow, but I was often frustrated. I wish I had accepted my imperfect self and my imperfect life a little sooner. I’m still seeking the minimal wardrobe, less clutter and better eating 😂. Also, motherhood is the shortest fastest path to enlightenment so you’re on your way.
I’ve moved close to 30 times in my life. It absolutely was a pattern of thinking I had to learn to look at and compare what life I was building in my head as a possibility in the “next place” vs what my lived experience told me was reality. Now if I want to change a habit or explore something different about myself, start a new hobby, etc., I start with what I have where I am. If I can make do with that and it catches on and persists, THEN I think about upgrading. I’ve definitely learned that the change and the momentum has to come from the internal first. Which isn’t always easy to keep to because if there is one thing I LOVE, it’s getting new tools. I will take on any new hobby or skill or what not if it comes with special tools and materials 😂
The idea that you shouldn’t go all in unless you know it’s gonna stick is a very good one that I only learned more recently. And no hobbies that require specialized tools. That and forming the habit itself works exactly the same way. Start by carving out the time with the smallest unit of that hobby or change and then add complexity, like learning anything. You don’t expect kids to come out of the womb ready to go. We teach them gross motor skills and then fine motor skills, and then how to speak, and then how to speak while walking (which I still have trouble with sometimes😂).
My husband and I moved last year from NJ to CA, leaving behind our boat, on which we had lived aboard for over a decade (great way to declutter and go minimal btw because your furniture is fixed and there is only so much space aboard😂). We only took what could be fit in the trunks of our two vehicles, and a couple of suitcases. We moved into an apartment and worried that we’d go overboard but since we didn’t know how long we’d be here, we decided to only buy exactly the furniture that was needed and the few things we needed to organize the space and light it. We live very conveniently located (we can walk to a plaza that has everything we need) so we actually do eat at home much more often. Our lie to ourselves was how much more we would do and how much better our budgeting would be without needing to do everything we did on the boat.
Loved this. Great reality check.
Our system: Toss/recycle any junk mail as soon as we bring the mail in. Packages are sorted at the end of the day if there’s any. Letter mail goes into a little basket. I sort it every Friday.
Being realistic with myself about my cooking habits helped me let go of fantasy self kitchen accoutrements. I'm not gonna bake bread from scratch, I'm not making waffles ever Sunday for brunch, I'm not going to sous vide soft boiled eggs. I *WILL* chuck a bunch of shit in an air fryer or instant pot, and at this point, I use these more often than my stove or oven
The instant pot is amazing, there is zero shame in using the heck out of it!
@@kagitsuneyou can make pot roast, hard boiled eggs or a cheesecake. No shame at all.
Re mail: i dont bring any mail in the house unless it needs to be responded or read. I keep a paper shredder right by the door and shred any docuemnts the moment i step in the house. Anything thay needs to be addressed/responded/read goes into my hobonochi planner paperclipped to a day in the next week ill have time to deal with it. As a mom of two disabled children who homeschools and runs her own business I get a lot of mail that needs to be sorted and Ive had the death piles and missed some pretty important deadlines and appts because of it. My husband actually ran an outlet specifically for our shredder in the entryway when we bought our home 6 years aho because I was determined to make a change. And it worked!
Learning about the "arrival fallacy" was a breakthrough moment for me. It's basically what you're saying here, this idea that everything will be different once event X occurs. For a long time I believed I wasn't capable of enacting changes I wanted in life, always due to some obstacle or another, but turning 30 made me realize the stars wouldn't ever magically align and create the life I wanted-I was the one who had to make it happen.
Listening to this as I am engaging in my own “doing the work” behavior changes. We moved to a new state at the end of last year and it’s taken way longer than expected to find a house. In the mean time we’ve been renting a furnished apartment, so while all of our needs are met, almost all of our things are in storage. Because this situation is temporary, and also frustrating because we thought it would only be a month or two, I’ve found myself not making much of an effort in trying to keep it organized and declutterred. I realized about 1.5 months ago that I need to take care of this place the same way I would our home, because it is our home, even if temporary. Finding and moving into a house won’t suddenly mean that it’ll be organized and decluttered, I need to earn that reality by doing the work, and that starts with doing the work in the less than ideal conditions. ❤
Being in a new space has more of an impact than bringing something new into an existing space. The fact that you're going through this process, discussing it, and thinking of actionable steps, I believe, will further increase the likeliness that you will turn those fantasies into reality. Your awareness is beautiful to witness. Good luck!
Hannah, I have moved 16 times in my life. The greatest thing about a move is that it gives you a chance to use the reset button of your life. Sometimes it gives us a chance to evaluate what is really important. I have given all my furniture away so many times but it has caused me to ask "why is keeping this so important?" I once gave away my much loved piano because there was no room for it in my new place. Two days later a friend gave me her tax refund to buy myself a weighted key - keyboard. I could slide the keyboard under the bed and bring it out when wanted. And I had the benefit of being loved on from this friend. I came out very blessed.
Thank you so much for making this content and your channel in general. It is a dose of reality in my day as I float from one computer task to another. Re: the idea that you will become a different person by owning a different home, I found that it was true only in one way for me. When I became a home owner and no longer a renter, my whole life became a settled deal to me. This is who I am and where I live. Now, I must really work hard on making changes to myself, because there is no symbolic new door to step through. I became more at ease with having a safe space, but recalcitrant to progress in myself, somehow. Our space defines us if we let it.
RE the mail: My husband has adhd and I have anxiety, we split the mental load. His job is to bring the mail into the house to a certain spot. My job is to parse what's important, open important mail, respond to what I can and set aside the ones he actually has to look at. What it comes down to is I toss the junk mail as I sit in my chair, and open stuff as my computer boots up, most opened mail still goes to the trash. Occasionally there will be something that goes into the 'touch base' pile, or tax material that needs to be filed away. Over the years very few things are more than that.
I have ADHD and the one thing that made a complete 180 degree change to my organisation skills was The Life Changing Magic of Tidying by Marie Kondo. I can't tell you how much that book changed my life!! I did it over 6 months, by setting aside a weekend every couple of weeks to tackle one bit at a time. I periodically go through the house now and if I feel things have built up or need to be reorganised again, I put some time aside again, but it's never gone back to being cluttered like it was originally
Hannah, your self-reflection is so valuable.Absolutely guilty of those like most of us, so it's a very good reminder to get some perspective to avoid a lot of frustration. Will try to apply it to my own life! Currently in therapy and health process and I think I've put a lot of expectations there...
Omg the fantasy self strikes again! I personally needed this reminder. Thanks Hannah ❤
We move every few years for my husband's job--four times in the past five years. I find that it actually can lead to a really good declutter and improved habits, but 1. There absolutely has to be an action plan. 2. I have to be kind to myself and not have unrealistic time constraints. Six months to get everything the way I want it and move forward on desired changes. And 3. Maintaining good habits for me requires a really systematic approach. For example, one in, one out on clothes, habit stacking to keep the momentum on workouts, meditation, taking vitamins, etc. Meal planning the same time every week, ditto for grocery shopping, etc. Obviously, life happens, but it helps me stay or get back on track to have the whole apparatus in place. I cannot wait to see your new home.😊
So gooooood. Ok, 2 things. You are already on the spiritual journey. That IS the successful part. There is no "you" that achieves or attains anything spiritual. What happens is an unlayering down the truth which is consciousness itself. The human does no awaken. Consciousness awakens from the illusion of a separate human. Your dedication to self-inquiry is the meat, mama. Keep going. Number 2, when we wake up from the illusion of duality (which cause a separate sense of self/ a identity cluster of concepts that we think is "me"), we still live in duality. LOL. Its hilarious. But we stop sweating it. Life is an ebb and flow. Accumulate, release. Dirty, clean. Busy, uneventful. Build up, break down. There will never be a time when you are finished and everything culminates in some kind of end state. The secret to joyful presence is not a destination, but how the journey is seen, experienced and processed fully and consciously. You're already doing it. And rocking it, I might add. I LOVE your channel. I would love to interview you at some point for one of my community workshops. My (skincare) customers would absolutely love you and I'm sure would get so much from hearing about your journey and insights along the way.
I’m moving soon and this hits hard! I absolutely fantasize about how tidy and productive I’ll magically become in my new environs. Wonderful perspective and grounding into the present
I heard the other week 'you already are your fantasy self'. Which is a compliment that I decided to take. I think the red kitchen will be the perfect space for you to meditate. If you can be present during the preparation and eating of breakfast every morning, you do not need an extra meditation practice in a different room. Or when you make coffee or do the dishes. As far as mail, I still follow the Marie Kondo philosophy, which is discard everything.
I've had the fantasy of a better self in the future many times. I am planning a big move at the end of the year and trying not to project that things will be miraculously better once I move, because I've been in that space before. I try to remind myself that though the new move will bring a bigger support system and I'll probably be more emotionally filled being closer to my sister and friends when I do move to the new state, there will still be many actions that I need to take. In the past I've definitely been stuck in the thinking that when I move or change jobs or have a boyfriend or whatever the things is everything will be better. But whenever you go there you are, so yes focusing on the actions is important. Great video as always.
Well thought out and well said. After many years and several house moves, I realized a move is a great time to declutter only if you can make the time. In our last move, I finally had the time to stick to two rules: do not move any box you haven't opened since your last move (yes, I'm one of those crazy people who moved sealed boxes from one house to another), and "don't pack anything unless you're sure you'll use it or display it somewhere in the new space". What a relief to let go of the unloved "late relative" and of the emotionally hoarded knick-knacks. Think about doing the wardrobe declutter sorting while you're packing, then do the refining for the video when you have the time after the move. (btw - now that you have a baby, you'll feel like you never have time to do everything on your list. It's ok. Take a deep breath and know that you won't get everything done but you will be in good company.)
Yes Hannah 👏👏👏 I convinced myself, in the depths of my PhD program, that all my anxiety and panic attacks would go away once I graduated (conveniently forgetting that they existed, albeit at a lower intensity, prior to the program). Once I graduated, I had to come to terms with the fact that mental health problems won’t go away on their own! I had to put the work into therapy, meditation, yoga and my faith in order minimize their effects on my life.
Having moved into a new house about 8 months ago, I also am continually undergoing a period of visualization and revision. I love hearing this from someone else 💕 thank you for the encouragement!
Felix’s hair! He looks like you 🧡
I can totally relate! We had a dream of being homesteaders in the country and leaving suburbia. It took us almost 5 years to make a plan, save up the money, find the right house, and then when we were finally almost ready to move, I got pregnant with my 3rd and decided to stay in suburbia close to my midwife for one more year. It was YEARS of having this romantic fantasy of waking up to the roosters and picking fresh produce, but living a reality of a suburban Orange County housewife. I could feel myself growing in discontentment and angst. What helped me get through that limbo time was making a list of what my focus would be in the few years I had left in OC- spending time with extended family that lives there, taking advantage of all the beaches and exquisite shopping and fun kid activities that I would not have in the country. And trying to do whatever I could in my present life to prepare for my future home- learning to raise quail in the backyard, bake bread, cook with CSA box veggies to learn how to use my future harvest. Those last years in OC were actually very sweet. I now am living my fantasy life. Truth is, we now have new fantasies of travelling to tropical places (as a respite from our desert farm life!) It's funny, we never stop dreaming right?
I love this video! i just moved, and i had very similar thoughts prior to moving- “i’ll cook more often” “i’ll keep tidy” “i’ll become a better person/deepen my connection with myself” and i have put some things in place that will help me achieve those things, but i also realize that i craved change because change was already inevitable. In a sense, Newton’s First Law. And when change stops hurling itself towards me in such direct ways, I know I’ll slow myself down to a pace that is more realistic and sustainable. The goal, is to maintain as much of the novelty-driven habits as is healthy
I moved across country into a much smaller apartment and got rid of 95% of my things, and still somehow brought too many things for the space and don't have room for storage. It was a huge dose of humble pie to realize that I could whittle my life down to what fit in a car and I'm still a person who needs to build the skills to establish and maintain a quiet space. Moving made me unable to hide from the problem, but it didn't "fix" the problem just by moving somewhere I am confronted by it. I try to lean into the energy of being unable to hide from a change being needed being the energy to begin a change. It's so easy to pretend changing a situation will change how I react to it, even though I know better.
In 12 step programs, this is called “doing a geographical” where you move to a new city or move away from your friend group, thinking it will help you solve your addictive behavior. But you really need to do the work from the inside to make the change. I wrote my six-word memoir thinking of this, and it’s “Wherever I go, there I am.”
Omg you’re so right. I do this too when I’m traveling or thinking of moving abroad or dreaming of a dream life that could never be real be real because I am not extroverted or whatever else would be required
Part of my growth in the last year of doing yoga and becoming more grounded in my body is that my brain has started shifting from imagining a “fantasy self” when I imagine my future, and now instead projects my present self, my present body, and even my present discomfort connected and intertwined with my dreams of the future. My wife and I are moving soon too, so this struggle your describing is happening to me right now. I’m trying to brace myself for the change and the inevitable BOTH that will happen as we move. We will have more space, in a place that is where we are meant to be AND we will have to work to cultivate a life that we love every day. I might even take some time after watching this video to think on what the sensory experience will feel like being in our new space. We are physical beings, not just spiritual, so sometimes I feel like the fantasy might be a projection of the spiritual? I always need a reminder that both happen in tandem. Thank you so much for sharing this part of your internal processing, it’s beyond valuable.
I can’t wait to see your new home and how you paint and style it! May the home renovations and moving process go smoothly! 😊
I have 2 toddlers and and pregnant with our 3rd and we are moving in 2 weeks, I feel you when you say things are chaotic! Also please look up videos of those anabei couches if you are thinking of buying one. They are basically like lawn furniture. So many comments state that you can feel the bars while laying on them.
for me, i left a toxic workplace after fantasizing about leaving for so long, and it was a huge relief to finally do it, but then the months of unemployment afterwards was an ACTUAL challenge to get through, from burnout recovery to working up the energy to job-hunt again, it was quite the rollercoaster, but i'm a few months into a new job now, so it all worked out pretty okay i think!
sidenote, your video on the fantasy self was the first one of yours i ever watched! i think about it so much ever since then and your content has really helped change the way i think about myself and my relationship to the things i own/buy, so thank you for that
Here's my system for keeping mail under control: I have most of my bills set up on autopay, so that cuts down on physical mail I have to respond to. For physical mail, I empty my mailbox and immediately sort out the obvious junk mail, which I deposit right away in the recycling bin in my garage. I walk through the door from the garage into my kitchen and put the remaining mail (if any) on the counter. Before doing anything else, I open all the envelopes and look at the contents. I sort everything into three piles: recycle (which, again, I immediately throw into the bin right outside the door), file, and "must handle." I try to file the filing stuff right away. The "must handle" pile - which most days is either pretty small or nonexistent - I put in a designated spot on my desk, and try to handle that night after dinner. This system takes just a few minutes every day and keeps me from periodically having to handle a huge pile of undifferentiated stuff.
I think that house moves have a way of returning us to ourselves and help to outline our own values and priorities moving forward. By recognising that the house itself won't effect these changes but still honouring the desires and hopes that gave rise to them, I suspect you will gently and steadily continue to create a life that brings you deep fulfilment ❤
This is sensible and helpful, Hannah, thank you. Perhaps you see the new house as a more permanent home, a place to plant your roots. A place your child will grow, your marriage will adapt and grow, and you'll grow too! As you say, the fantasy alone isn't enough but the change to a home that feels more permanent does make a big difference to our choices/behaviour. Cheers!
I have CPTSD so that feeling of good life will happen in the future and being unable to be in the present is a chronic struggle of mine. But the only thing we can do is to DO, to take action, yet it feels impossible. I don't know what the solution is here. I think sometimes, tomorrow will be the day I start doing - but it's the same issue, why tomorrow? What makes tomorrow different? What will actually change? Nothing! I just need to do it NOW. And yet I struggle with being able to. I've lived so much of my life just waiting, on pause, for life to begin and now it is... life..... I need to be beginning.
I love your philosophical takes on almost all the thoughts we think.. also your slow and controlled speech is great asmr
Love it! I've moved too many times when I was renting and now that we own a place with my partner I can't seem to shift the feeling that we should sell and move and we'd be much happier in a new place....
I really needed this video. I have to move unexpectedly during a really unfortunate time and I've caught myself buying for that dopamine hit under the guise of organizing/optimization without putting in the actual work.
I go paperless where possible, that cuts down on the mail. I too have dealt with the same things you’re talking about - balancing the fantasy self with reality. For me I have to create habits that lead to success (like opening and declutterring mail daily). It’s only by creating new habits that we make change stick. Good luck on your new home and move! ❤
As I open the mail, I sort into three piles: 1) To be processed for recycling (plastic windows torn off, sensitive info removed, then thrown into the paper recycling); 2) To be actioned (I actually have to do something: pay a bill, make an appointment); 3) To be kept on the off chance I'll need it in future. I used to think I needed to perfectly file everything in separate sections of a folder/binder, but that was too big a hurdle, so it would just pile up and become overwhelming. Now I "file" paperwork I might need someday in one drawer (IIRC this idea came from Marie Kondo and I was sceptical at first, but it works for me.)
If I ever do need a particular letter or bill, I know to look through the Boring But Important drawer. It might take a little while to sort through to find the one I need, but I know it's there because that's where all the boring stuff goes. And flicking through to find the one I need will take far less time than pointlessly filing them all separately (or more likely letting a messy Pile of Shame accumulate).
BTW, in the five years I've lived in my current house, I've gone into that drawer to retrieve something maybe once.
As someone who moved just over a year ago, I can totally relate to everything you said. I’m 40 and disabled, I still live with my parents who are getting older, and it takes 4 adult to have this home that we are really grateful for. I get more space for myself, a space that makes me feel more independent and like an adult.
Before we moved, having a space where I could put a desk and write was important. And I did get that. I thought that it would help me write everyday- just because now I had a designated area that wasn’t tucked into a closet (though closet offices are great).
Now I realize that just because I have the space doesn’t mean I’ll write everyday. Does it help? Yes. But I am still disable by my chronic illnesses and “writing everyday” just because I got a desk off Craigslist and have a spot to put it in doesn’t magically put me at the desk or give me the ability to be flowing with words every single day. But that’s okay.
And as far as being minimal and clutter free, I’ve also learned after we moved that some areas of my living space are just gonna be cluttered. There will always be a messy pile of books at the foot of my nightstand. Clothes will be on a now designated clothes chair (I refinished a chair just because I know I do this, so I might as well make myself something special- even if it’s taking me months to finish it). But- I have been keep my vanity (my old tiny desk) mostly organized. So that did change, but I think it’s only because when I’m sitting in bed reading or whatever, it’s right across from me. So that’s something I do bc it’s an eyesore. It’s still a bit cluttered and probably needs to be dusted but it’s better. The rest I’ve learned to accept and let go. Bc I’m not going to be a minimalist- or a maximalist- I’m gonna be what I am. And it’s taken me this long to figure that out. 😂
Smiling as I’m watching… This month of May is my “Use What I Have” month, based on your previous “No Buy” periods. Clutter has taken over my private space and is starting to invade the public parts of our home much to the dismay of my husband. Time to address the mess. Regarding the mail and recycling, we keep a basket next to the kitchen table where we read the mail and newspapers. It is so satisfying to toss the junk mail and the read papers into it.
The conversation around fantasy vs realizing your dreams in such a context makes it so easy to understand. Love it.
.... and I am envious of Hannah's makeup, eyebrows and hair rn. Currently in fantasy state of how I am going to achieve such a look lmao.
Pulverizing our schedule, so excellent! I just love so much of your phrasing, it’s gold!
Great video!
You reminded me of something in my life. I go through these yearnings for “more meditations” and I’m reminded by you (thank you!) of my repeated realizations that my yearning for more meditation or a better place to meditate is really my yearning for more of the fruits of my practice. I’m craving what I get from my practice time in greater amounts than I currently have. Because I feel frazzled. Or ever so tired and unable to focus therefore. Or a long period of not feeling well and not feeling up to even doing yoga (moving meditation for me). Or I’m traveling lots and there’s just no settled place that makes it easy to get into that deep grove that I can at home. Whatever prompted the yearning, it’s really me craving that deeper, more focused equanimity that I find in myself when my meditation time bears fuller fruits. My solution is often to altar build. I move things around, dust, get out things I haven’t sat with in a while, put things away that don’t feel right at the moment. I swap in new practices or resume ones I haven’t done in a while. I bring a travel altar with a little something that feels like it represents everything I desire feeling after I meditate. When I go through these little rituals, I end up yet again remembering that it’s all about how I invoke my attention and intent. That’s how I get the fruits. I just did this whole cycle yet again in the past few weeks. It’s good to be prompted to put it into words so I can affirm I did the work and the fruits are coming to me. 😊Yay me…
I keep a single hanging file for all catalogues and coupons. When it feels too full, I sort out the old unwanted items. This avoids having to think about which I might want/need/use and prevents clutter from building up, or important mail being lost in that clutter.
Good luck Hannah! My husband and I purchased a property that we totally gutted and redid, a month before I got pregnant. Life was chaos. Our baby is now almost 3 years old, and honestly, life actually never got “less busy” as the goals were accomplished. So although I understand your thought process, I believe once you have kids…. Life is just busier lol.
I thought same as you, once we are done with this we’ll have more time for this…. Hahahaha… that was my lie.
Lots of love Hannah! Remember to ENJOY THE RIDE!!!! ❤❤❤❤
Thanks for this! We had just bought a house and moved in with a toddler and my dreams (similar to yours actually) are taking FOREVER to come to fruition. But I have recently realized that it's not the dreams I have to give up, it's the expectation of timing. I can do it - in time. It will not be immediate like my brain was dreaming it would be.
As for the mail, I immediately set the relevant mail in a specific tray that lives on my desk for when I am ready to sort it and anything I am not going to keep, I give to my toddlers and they just have fun ripping it up and throwing it around until they're done, at which point I throw it away. It gives the junk mail an actual purpose before it meets it's end in the trash (our shredder is broken or I would send it there in the end).
I love it when you do this type of content!!! Also I am so glad you recommended Julia to us all. Learning from her, a spiritually grounded and trauma informed teacher, has helped me reconnect with this work in a more overtly spiritual way. Thank you!!
I'm so glad to hear this! She has changed my life.
Best video since the last vest video😁 “you take yourself with you wherever you go” but fantasy can help build reality. So somethings will certainly be easier 😊 but yes no change without action 🤗 thanks for what you do 😘
A long time ago, my yoga teacher encouraged me to put something in my home that represented the practice to me, and put it where I see it all the time. So that every time I glanced at it I would get the feeling of connection, wisdom and love that I felt at yoga. I eventually chose a small print of a painting I love, and whenever I see it in my day I breathe a little deeper.
I think as a natural lover of beautiful things, you may already have objects like this. Maybe planning a place for them in your new home would be a way to acknowledge both the strivey changey-ness you feel right now, and the deep knowledge that you are already home in the moment. A deep bow to both. I think you are so wise to unpack the fantasy that the house will change you, but I am also struck by how it is just a beautifully human thing that we do.
This concept of "buying stuff won't get you to your aspirational self" is super interesting to me as someone with ADHD and MCAS, because yes, obviously, we do have to put in work and systems to get the results we want. However there are times when I have discovered a hack or purchased something that DRAMATICALLY improved my functioning (unscented laundry detergent, ADHD meds, antihistamines, loop earplugs). So now I'm thinking about the difference between purchases that remove barriers and make something accessible vs purchases that are aspirational aids to becoming the person I want to be. . . because outwardly they often look the same before purchase. But one will have immediate effect, and the other requires more sustained effort to have an impact. And sometimes I get them mixed up, which causes frustration. I'm glad to have language to distinguish between them now.
very good point!
I have so many thoughts about all of this BUT the main thing I relate to is that all of these fantasies involve getting more space either in your brain or body-something I never achieved no matter how hard I tried or how much I berated myself while I still had children at home. Now, its easy to stay on top of the mail and my closets and cooking (ok meditating is still hard) but it was the crucible of attempting to do those things all those years despite the chaos and failing every day is what makes it easy now. And also, I miss the chaos!
i want to respectfully share that i didn't have as positive an experience with Julia Frodahl, however i'm grateful she's helped you so much over the years as self care and self growth are such beautiful ways to evolve in life. i was really hoping to find a meditation practice that works well for me but am patient it will find its way to me in whatever fashion its meant to. i've started new habits as well similar to some of what you've described here and taking the actions to maintain it is its own form of active meditation which i also find rewarding :).
i forget who said this but there's a distinction between "washing the dishes so the dishes will be clean in the future, and washing the dishes." the latter being its own reward. basically, finding joy through all the moment to moment acts in our lives.
i'm a glass of wine in for the eve so hoping this makes sense but as always ty for sharing your journey and insights with us Hannah!
This was exactly the reminder I needed right now. I put my two weeks’ notice in yesterday for my desk job and I’ll be working towards doing theatre and teaching dance full time. My biggest fear at this point (besides disappointing my amazingly supportive husband) is that instead of using my new free time to actually work on things, I’ll waste it. I need to get specific about what is a commitment and what is optional, so that I don’t quit as soon as it gets hard.
Side note: I recently read The Predictable Heartbreaks of Imogen Finch. One of the main themes is controlling your own life and implementing change in a healthy way. Y’all should give it a read.
I love how self reflective you are! And that you used the word thesis! You demonstrate the examined life in the real world. Also, I suspect your desire for minimalism and your longing for meditation are directly related to the current demands of your stage in life and the need to mess with allll your stuff in order to move. Hang in there!
Such a great video and what a great way to adjust your own disposition. It's always so interesting to me to hear others talk about their fantasies with this level of honesty, because it also sheds light on just how weirdly specific my own fantasies are. My fantasy of a dream home (that also includes a much more mindful, minimalist, and healthy me, of course) includes a lot of intentional clutter, that's what feels warm to me. Your video inspired me to think about how to create that warmth without stuff, because stuff is just stuff, it's not the clutter that makes my dream home the dream home. Super interesting topic and such a good take on it
I am pre move de cluttering. Because I don’t know when or if I’ll move, and I want better now. I’m so glad I found your channel
The best piece of advice I can give you about declutterring and about managing the mail is to tell yourself another layer of the truth about how you function. If you think you’re going to look at that sale flyer later, but they pile up and you feel overwhelmed because you aren’t doing that thing you think you should do, stop doing it. Of course this is just an example. But I know what we get in the mail, and about 90% of it goes straight to the recycle bin. If you get a lot of mail because of your business, that’s perhaps a more complicated issue, but that’s more about managing work flow than managing mail. 🤷🏻♀️ Minimalism can be paring down on stuff you think you have to do, as well as stuff you own. Also, have you read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky? Two thumbs up 👍🏼👍🏼
Life is largely made of taking things out, using them, and putting them back. Xoxo 💕
About the mail, you have to sort it as soon as you get in the house. Put the junk straight in the recycling and have separate cubbies for yourself and your husband - or whatever categories work for you - and make sure to go through the categories on a regular basis so that important deadlines are not missed.
I definitely relate to this topic. I am currently struggling with focusing too much on a future living arrangement. We moved into our current apartment 2.5 years ago with the thought that we wouldn't be here long. The apartment is terrible for many reasons. I mean it's live-able, but there are a lot of things that make our quality of life not as high as it could be. I often fanaticize about how things will be when we finally move. It has made me procrastinate investing effort or money into improving our current situation because what's the point if we're moving soon anyway? But the reality is we don't know when we're moving and it probably isn't soon. That realization and the realization that some of it is habits and behavior, not the actual space, has helped me to finally get some key furniture pieces, do some decluttering and rearranging and implement better systems for organization and chores. I'm still working on a lot of the attitude, habits, and behavior changes, but I feel like I've almost reached the limit of how much of the physical space I can improve, which is frustrating.
Watching this video as I drink my morning coffee and make eggs for breakfast ❤️ Also the timing on this is so great, as we are on the hunt for a larger house, and tell myself i'll have effective organizing systems, and will garden more, and exercise because hopefully we'll have easy access to outdoor trails, and man, i can't wait to at least have the opportunity to try implementing all of those things!
Really excellent. Having moved many times ..: it is quite a shock to do so and whatever dreams you need to tell to get you through that time is great - especially with your logic about it all. So well stated. I wish you and yours calm and healthy transitions. 🙏❤️
Junk mail and magazines took over a few years ago. One day I got mad at the piles and decided I was done. I dissolved the piles into mostly recycling with very little filing, then I registered for USPS informed delivery. I check the USPS email and visualize what I will keep or recycle before I ever see or touch it. I haven’t struggled with the mail mess and it feels good. Plus, I love knowing what’s lurking in the mail box before I open it! Take the steps-life’s to sweet and short to pretend. xo
I feel this so hard! For me, my “once I move” has for years been “once I finally get a tenure-track job”.
There's always massive pressure to be/do/live better, I find, when there is a big "fresh start" looming on the horizon like a move. We can only do so much and while it can be motivating, it's also an exhausting state to be in. I try to take one big change at a time... and bookmark the other to do's until that change is complete.
I also find it super taxing to be in limbo or suspended between two "worlds" or be "in process". So I hear you.
Signed,
Moved twice in less than a year with two children and a new relationship
This is probably a bit serious of a take on this subject but it really hit home for me. I spent all of 2023 ending a 15 year marriage. I was living by their family in a place I’d only lived a year so I knew I would leave once I got things tied up. So I spent the year moving out, filing for divorce, making arrangements for my relocation. I kept saying the year was limbo and it will be so much better once I’m out of limbo. I have now executed all my plans, in my new place, closer to family, new job, and I am struggling immensely with grief and depression. As I crossed state lines I didn’t magically feel lighter and free. All we have is here and now and changing everything didn’t suddenly help me to process my marriage ending. I’m hoping what I’m doing will help (therapy, medications, trying to make friends) but the change in and of itself did not.
And for mail, I literally don’t bring it into the house. I sort it as I carry it in and immediately recycle junk and put important things in a designated spot where I keep home office types of stuff. So then it piles up there for me to take care. 😂😂😂
Such a great reality check! I lie to myself every week than 'when Monday comes I will be that better ideal dreamed me without mail piling'. :D I do work towards being more organized and productive person, but it's hard sometimes, haha.
Hannah always coming in clutch with the video I didn't know I needed till it was crafted into existence