I now require this podcast to fall asleep 😅. I try to fall asleep with other calm music, meditations, white noise, etc. This podcast is the only thing that helps me sleep. Thanks for the podcasts 🤗
I really needed this right now! Thanks Kati! Was actually even waiting for it😅 And since I was one of the first listeners, here are the timestamps: 1. Reparenting: 00:00:47 2. "Fake" mental health problems: 00:24:12 3. Quiet bpd: 00:38:19 4. Diagnosing cptsd/bpd: 00:59:41 5. Pushing your therapist away: 01:08:37 6. Stigma on bpd: 01:13:30 7. Therapists hiding a bpd diagnosis: 01:18:24 8. Long distance relationship with someone with bpd: 01:20:33
Hi Kati, About protest coming up about “self-parenting”: Yes, childhood upset about what we didn’t get comes up and is worth telling. I’ve also found that the self-parenting survival coping techniques I had to develop as a child aren’t “good parenting” and included “not having needs” (like validation), suppressing my hurts, being “fine” and “tough” and trying to figure things out by myself, often not knowing what I didn’t know. Sometimes it can feel like the “self parenting” thing is just another version of being required to “figure it out and take care of myself by myself” that way. And sometimes it triggers feeling left alone and helpless. So I feel like I understand how that question about it can arise - good one! And actually sometimes self-parenting for me has been realizing what emotion or need I had or have and the right to have it and how I can deal with it differently than I had to as a child and still be safe and then try to practice that and get better at it. And my therapist has been there to constantly check in with and get feedback from and I’m sure I’ve been learning to do things I would’ve learned how to do long ago from a more “good enough” parent. I think that person’s therapist needs to explain what he/she means by the “self parenting work” and the client has the right to have control in the process since it’s a non-authoritarian collaboration.
Yes your 3rd paragraph feels so accurate: just one more thing we have to figure out on our own. And ‘learning to love yourself’ when you’ve not really ever had it, you have no way to really know what it is you’re looking for.
@@aussiemom3559 “Learning to love yourself” is such a self-help thought-stopping cliche when used by itself. What does that even mean? It’s almost as bad as “just be happy”. I took it to heart when my therapist encouraged me to try to be kinder to myself. And I’ve been learning that I can accept more parts of myself as “actually more on the normal human spectrum than I thought”. And I’m working on standing up for myself - boundaries and all that - better and more calmly and hopefully somewhat gracefully. If I were my pet, how would I treat me? Haha That’s why I find the videos and the questions and feedback that cover so many aspects so helpful!
Thank you for answering my question (final part of Q1). Appreciate you so much! I'm currently in therapy and starting to do reparenting work along with all my trauma stuff. Thank you for your perspective and for reminding me it can get better because I often ruminate on the negative side of things.
#1 yes, definitely the anger of having to do it myself. The grief process is long, hard and very difficult, in my experience. Along with having to disconnect from my mom, adds more to my grief, and missing my therapist even more after every session. I also have had this over reaction, that Kati is talking about. Im pissed off that I have to parent myself as well as my own kids, certainly not fair...but by parenting my kids, I learn to parent myself as well .
I love the discussion on BPD. Although I disagree that therapy should always have "rigid boundaries" and structure. Clients are all different. They don't all fit into the rigid box. A better approach is to create a treatment plan with appropriate boundaries for the individual clients. Of course there are some obvious universal boundaries, but we can't fit every client into a specific rigid mold.
As a parent who was a child of imperfect parents who did the best that they could while dealing ( without therapy which was a huge stigma for their generation) and was not perfect herself, please go a little easier on us! I for one am (and have been for years since my own clinical depression experience - yes, I sought help and received it with various degrees of "success") I am going through estrangement with one of my daughters now and it fucking hurts!
I've had to do so much on my own! A therapist told me, wtf are you in therapy? You don't need it for cptsd that is chronic and anxiety! I was yanked from all medications they are now considered controlled! In MICHIGAN! I work 2 jobs as a life skills technician and outside work! I learned from other clients and for myself getting closed out from mental health, and different doctors there is no help and being yanked off medications. I walk away, and i learn from watching others and observing from others, and don't jump in. It takes time! It sad when a lot don't listen and push it under the rug so i use the skills the other ones use. That i work with.
I only get that attachment in romantic connections now. I did have them with friends as a teenager, but when they all abandoned me at once, I stopped trusting friends. I don’t trust romantic partners either, but that’s where the feelings are so intense. I end up giving them my power, so when they stop liking me, which has 100% happened in every relationship, I lose myself. I’m very self aware, been in therapy most of my life, and I know I’m a good friend. I have poor health, and I think that’s a big factor in my loss of relationships right now. I’m kind and caring toward my friends. I try not to overwhelm them. I can see how I’m attracted to narcissists and that’s been a huge factor in the past…. I just can’t help at this point, feeling like I’m the problem. My parents didn’t know how to validate me emotionally. They tried their best, but my mom especially… very narcissistic.
Annelle Alexander.👋 Hello I'm Nikki long time listening and follower of Kati Morton channel nice to meet you hope your coping best you can today with your mental health always like to meet new people here 🙂
@@nikkimckay860 hello Nikki. Lovely to make your acquaintance. I've been listening to Kati for a few years too. I'm coping best I can thanks. Hope you are too! 🤗
Why am I so shocked by hearing your explanation about trying to be the perfect patient to create a feeling of connection being so common in BPD ( 00:57:39 )? I'm not diagnosed with BPD but I feel very much exposed. How to deal with that behaviour now though? I now feel like I've always done that subconsciously but never thought it's a bad thing...
Kati good afternoon . happy Thursday as always good to see you again all your answer s to question s are always in deep detail information and interesting its helpful hearing about and learning about other mental health issues though your podcast hope you have a nice day 💜
Eli. Hello there I'm Nikki from uk long time Lister and follower of Kati Morton channel I like meeting new people on here I offer support and care also advice to people who need it 🙂
Is it true that fear of abandonment is almost only a symptom of BPD? That doesn't sound possible. Like what constitutes 'fear of abandonment'? Is it the constant presence of that fear, or it coming up in every relationship or the volatility and splitting reactions to it? My therapist has brought up fear of abandonment once in response to a reaction I had to a friendship dissolving but like does that mean it's a key feature of my personality or just that I experience it in extreme circumstances like that? I do really identify with most descriptions of CPTSD and I know they have a lot of overlap but I've known a handful of people with BPD, including family members and I don't think I think/feel the same as them, especially no volatility, splitting or self-harm.
Yeah, this is where I disagree with Kati about fear of abandonment meaning you have BPD. The whole conversation around it is nuanced and context dependent. Lots of people who don't have secure attachment have a fear of abandonment. You can have that fear and have that be separate from your mental illnesses, if you even have any. If any kind of relationship is ending or is close to ending, it makes sense to fear the end of it if it's not something you want. If you avoid making friends or getting into relationships because you fear that they'll abandon you, there's an issue there. From your description of no volatility, splitting, or self harm, I don't see why you'd be diagnosed with BPD since they're really big parts of it. I think fear of abandonment is actually very normal as part of cptsd. There are lots of overlap between BPD and CPTSD. I've heard some therapists consider BPD to be a subset of CPTSD, just one way that trauma can manifest in a person
Good afternoon everyone how are you doing this Thursday how are you coping what is the time where people are from for me in uk it's 14:46pm I have just come from a clinic appointment and got my AKA podcast notification and clicked straight away good set of questions today looking forward to listening to all of Kati s answers to your question s
@@christinemcfadyen9151 hello nice to meet you I'm Nikki long time follower of Kati Morton s channel and videos nice your daughter visited the uk some parts and places in uk are nice 🙂
A question to go with question #2 to can over protective parents cause the same trauma as parents that don’t protect their kids , like I was sexually harassed in high school and my parents yelled at me for days about it and wanted me to apologize to the guy who harassed me for getting him in trouble and some other things my parents have done are won’t let me take public transport (bus,Uber,ect) and won’t let me use dating sites
Blaming the victim for harassment is NOT being overprotective, it is actually participating in the abuse. Same thing for the controlling approaches to an Uber, etc.
@@elizabethfrootloop7814 no you didn’t understand what I was saying my parents wanted me to apologize to to guy who harassed me they didn’t blame me for what happened and the overprotectiveness is not letting me take public transportation or Uber
@@mimibelta259 not letting you take public transport or an uber, depending on where you live, may be overprotective, I agree. But even if they didn't blame you for being harrassed, demanding you apologise to the guy who harrassed you, for getting him in trouble, is not ok. You didn't get him in trouble; he did that on his own, and he is the one who should apologise to you. Somehow, if one boy beat up another and the victim tells someone, no adults tells him he got that other kid in trouble, but for girls who are harrassed, for some reason there are other rules. That's still victim blaming. But this wasn't you question, sorry. I think Kati talked about helicopter parents in one of the last AKA's, you could check it out. I think it can make you doubt yourself and become anxious because you don't get to try things out safely, but get the message that "you can't do this". It's just another way that parents don't give the child what it needs, so it's still neglective, in my opinion.
@@_maia_m thanks I think my parents give what I need but I do have learning disabilities so I can kind of see where they can see I have difficulty seeing some things for what they are so if I’m on a bus or in an Uber and a hit said to me your pretty I’d might just take it as a compliment but he might be hitting on me (sexually not physically)and I might not understand that he’s trying to do something else with me but they give me a roof over my head ,food to eat even though I’m over eighteen years old and live with them and have only just recently found a part time job and don’t have a boyfriend yet so I wouldn’t sat my parents are neglectful of me and to be more open I’m 24 and adopted by my grandparents so it could just be the age difference
Parents being too involved and not involved enough in the lives of their kids are both issues. From your comments you're 24 and your parents in this example are actually your grandparents since you're adopted? I can see how older people might be more worried or scared of something happening but still, not an excuse. Not sure what kind of learning disability you have but just from these comments, it doesn't seem to severely affect your ability to understand what people are saying or your ability to read so I'm not sure why it would be an issue with you going on public transport. Overprotective/ helicopter parents can really affect kids in detrimental ways because kids need some semblance of independence and agency in their life while growing up. There's a line between parents being a little overprotective and parents using that to control their kids as much as they can. Not being allowed to use public transport at 24 is weird. I don't know the context though, like is it really common to use public transport in your area? Is it safe? Are you allowed to walk home? I can understand your grandparents not wanting you to walk home at night or something so they could pick you up at the bus station which is what happens to me with my overprotective parents, and I understand not wanting you to use uber/ taxis, but if you're allowed to walk around by yourself, that doesn't make sense. Since you were sexually harassed in high school, I can understand their fear of that happening to you again, especially since generally adults are more dangerous. If someone is told they're pretty, it's normal to assume it's just a compliment. If the man has ulterior motives, he's going to be doing other things like ask you for your number or something. It seems you're saying you have a hard time picking up body language or when people are being indirect. I think that's okay. Your parents giving you food, shelter, and paying for stuff like clothes or soap is expected. Jails also provide that for their inmates. You can still be emotionally neglected despite having your physical needs met.
Hi Kati, Mind Life Flow here (Patrick) and thanks for another interesting video and content. I am a Clinical Psychologist in Australia so interested in what you produce on your site here. What do you find is the most popular topic you have spoken about or responded to?
Phew this inner child stuff is hard. Am I weird for thinking that this is another reason for me to not have a kid (although having a kid has not been a priority)? Like at some point, I am going to majorly screw up, and my child would need years of therapy to repair themselves because I messed up at that point in time?
I worry about the same thing, it's not like I've really been considering it anyway but anytime I think about it I'm like 'and screw up another kid? no no no'
I now require this podcast to fall asleep 😅. I try to fall asleep with other calm music, meditations, white noise, etc. This podcast is the only thing that helps me sleep. Thanks for the podcasts 🤗
I really needed this right now! Thanks Kati! Was actually even waiting for it😅
And since I was one of the first listeners, here are the timestamps:
1. Reparenting: 00:00:47
2. "Fake" mental health problems: 00:24:12
3. Quiet bpd: 00:38:19
4. Diagnosing cptsd/bpd: 00:59:41
5. Pushing your therapist away: 01:08:37
6. Stigma on bpd: 01:13:30
7. Therapists hiding a bpd diagnosis: 01:18:24
8. Long distance relationship with someone with bpd: 01:20:33
Rebecca S. Hello thank you for the timestamps very helpful 🙂
You're the real MVP!
"An overreaction is indicative of something deeper." So well said, Katie!
i just came by to let you know this ep isn't in the feed. I hope that it can be updates as i really want to listen on the move =)
Hi Kati,
About protest coming up about “self-parenting”:
Yes, childhood upset about what we didn’t get comes up and is worth telling.
I’ve also found that the self-parenting survival coping techniques I had to develop as a child aren’t “good parenting” and included “not having needs” (like validation), suppressing my hurts, being “fine” and “tough” and trying to figure things out by myself, often not knowing what I didn’t know.
Sometimes it can feel like the “self parenting” thing is just another version of being required to “figure it out and take care of myself by myself” that way. And sometimes it triggers feeling left alone and helpless. So I feel like I understand how that question about it can arise - good one!
And actually sometimes self-parenting for me has been realizing what emotion or need I had or have and the right to have it and how I can deal with it differently than I had to as a child and still be safe and then try to practice that and get better at it. And my therapist has been there to constantly check in with and get feedback from and I’m sure I’ve been learning to do things I would’ve learned how to do long ago from a more “good enough” parent.
I think that person’s therapist needs to explain what he/she means by the “self parenting work” and the client has the right to have control in the process since it’s a non-authoritarian collaboration.
Yes your 3rd paragraph feels so accurate: just one more thing we have to figure out on our own. And ‘learning to love yourself’ when you’ve not really ever had it, you have no way to really know what it is you’re looking for.
@@aussiemom3559 “Learning to love yourself” is such a self-help thought-stopping cliche when used by itself. What does that even mean?
It’s almost as bad as “just be happy”.
I took it to heart when my therapist encouraged me to try to be kinder to myself. And I’ve been learning that I can accept more parts of myself as “actually more on the normal human spectrum than I thought”. And I’m working on standing up for myself - boundaries and all that - better and more calmly and hopefully somewhat gracefully. If I were my pet, how would I treat me? Haha
That’s why I find the videos and the questions and feedback that cover so many aspects so helpful!
Thank you for answering my question (final part of Q1). Appreciate you so much! I'm currently in therapy and starting to do reparenting work along with all my trauma stuff. Thank you for your perspective and for reminding me it can get better because I often ruminate on the negative side of things.
Kati your sound effect for the “pulling the rip cord” kills me every time. 🤣 it’s just too accurate
#1 yes, definitely the anger of having to do it myself. The grief process is long, hard and very difficult, in my experience. Along with having to disconnect from my mom, adds more to my grief, and missing my therapist even more after every session. I also have had this over reaction, that Kati is talking about. Im pissed off that I have to parent myself as well as my own kids, certainly not fair...but by parenting my kids, I learn to parent myself as well .
Totally fair to feel anger for the injustice of what you experienced!
I love the discussion on BPD. Although I disagree that therapy should always have "rigid boundaries" and structure. Clients are all different. They don't all fit into the rigid box. A better approach is to create a treatment plan with appropriate boundaries for the individual clients. Of course there are some obvious universal boundaries, but we can't fit every client into a specific rigid mold.
As a parent who was a child of imperfect parents who did the best that they could while dealing ( without therapy which was a huge stigma for their generation) and was not perfect herself, please go a little easier on us! I for one am (and have been for years since my own clinical depression experience - yes, I sought help and received it with various degrees of "success") I am going through estrangement with one of my daughters now and it fucking hurts!
I've had to do so much on my own! A therapist told me, wtf are you in therapy? You don't need it for cptsd that is chronic and anxiety! I was yanked from all medications they are now considered controlled! In MICHIGAN! I work 2 jobs as a life skills technician and outside work! I learned from other clients and for myself getting closed out from mental health, and different doctors there is no help and being yanked off medications. I walk away, and i learn from watching others and observing from others, and don't jump in. It takes time! It sad when a lot don't listen and push it under the rug so i use the skills the other ones use. That i work with.
I only get that attachment in romantic connections now. I did have them with friends as a teenager, but when they all abandoned me at once, I stopped trusting friends. I don’t trust romantic partners either, but that’s where the feelings are so intense. I end up giving them my power, so when they stop liking me, which has 100% happened in every relationship, I lose myself. I’m very self aware, been in therapy most of my life, and I know I’m a good friend. I have poor health, and I think that’s a big factor in my loss of relationships right now. I’m kind and caring toward my friends. I try not to overwhelm them. I can see how I’m attracted to narcissists and that’s been a huge factor in the past…. I just can’t help at this point, feeling like I’m the problem.
My parents didn’t know how to validate me emotionally. They tried their best, but my mom especially… very narcissistic.
Thank you so much, Kati Morton!
Spreading care support and comfort and love to everyone here in the comments as always ❤️
Hey Kati and listeners! Happy Thursday🤗
Annelle Alexander.👋 Hello I'm Nikki long time listening and follower of Kati Morton channel nice to meet you hope your coping best you can today with your mental health always like to meet new people here 🙂
@@nikkimckay860 hello Nikki. Lovely to make your acquaintance. I've been listening to Kati for a few years too. I'm coping best I can thanks. Hope you are too! 🤗
Why am I so shocked by hearing your explanation about trying to be the perfect patient to create a feeling of connection being so common in BPD ( 00:57:39 )? I'm not diagnosed with BPD but I feel very much exposed. How to deal with that behaviour now though? I now feel like I've always done that subconsciously but never thought it's a bad thing...
Kati good afternoon . happy Thursday as always good to see you again all your answer s to question s are always in deep detail information and interesting its helpful hearing about and learning about other mental health issues though your podcast hope you have a nice day 💜
Thankyou for these I appreciate you so much
Eli. Hello there I'm Nikki from uk long time Lister and follower of Kati Morton channel I like meeting new people on here I offer support and care also advice to people who need it 🙂
Is it true that fear of abandonment is almost only a symptom of BPD? That doesn't sound possible. Like what constitutes 'fear of abandonment'? Is it the constant presence of that fear, or it coming up in every relationship or the volatility and splitting reactions to it?
My therapist has brought up fear of abandonment once in response to a reaction I had to a friendship dissolving but like does that mean it's a key feature of my personality or just that I experience it in extreme circumstances like that?
I do really identify with most descriptions of CPTSD and I know they have a lot of overlap but I've known a handful of people with BPD, including family members and I don't think I think/feel the same as them, especially no volatility, splitting or self-harm.
Yeah, this is where I disagree with Kati about fear of abandonment meaning you have BPD. The whole conversation around it is nuanced and context dependent. Lots of people who don't have secure attachment have a fear of abandonment. You can have that fear and have that be separate from your mental illnesses, if you even have any. If any kind of relationship is ending or is close to ending, it makes sense to fear the end of it if it's not something you want. If you avoid making friends or getting into relationships because you fear that they'll abandon you, there's an issue there. From your description of no volatility, splitting, or self harm, I don't see why you'd be diagnosed with BPD since they're really big parts of it. I think fear of abandonment is actually very normal as part of cptsd. There are lots of overlap between BPD and CPTSD. I've heard some therapists consider BPD to be a subset of CPTSD, just one way that trauma can manifest in a person
Good afternoon everyone how are you doing this Thursday how are you coping what is the time where people are from for me in uk it's 14:46pm I have just come from a clinic appointment and got my AKA podcast notification and clicked straight away good set of questions today looking forward to listening to all of Kati s answers to your question s
My daughter was in the UK just last week visiting. She loved it!
@@christinemcfadyen9151 hello nice to meet you I'm Nikki long time follower of Kati Morton s channel and videos nice your daughter visited the uk some parts and places in uk are nice 🙂
Great episode ❤️
A question to go with question #2 to can over protective parents cause the same trauma as parents that don’t protect their kids , like I was sexually harassed in high school and my parents yelled at me for days about it and wanted me to apologize to the guy who harassed me for getting him in trouble and some other things my parents have done are won’t let me take public transport (bus,Uber,ect) and won’t let me use dating sites
Blaming the victim for harassment is NOT being overprotective, it is actually participating in the abuse. Same thing for the controlling approaches to an Uber, etc.
@@elizabethfrootloop7814 no you didn’t understand what I was saying my parents wanted me to apologize to to guy who harassed me they didn’t blame me for what happened and the overprotectiveness is not letting me take public transportation or Uber
@@mimibelta259 not letting you take public transport or an uber, depending on where you live, may be overprotective, I agree. But even if they didn't blame you for being harrassed, demanding you apologise to the guy who harrassed you, for getting him in trouble, is not ok. You didn't get him in trouble; he did that on his own, and he is the one who should apologise to you. Somehow, if one boy beat up another and the victim tells someone, no adults tells him he got that other kid in trouble, but for girls who are harrassed, for some reason there are other rules. That's still victim blaming. But this wasn't you question, sorry. I think Kati talked about helicopter parents in one of the last AKA's, you could check it out. I think it can make you doubt yourself and become anxious because you don't get to try things out safely, but get the message that "you can't do this". It's just another way that parents don't give the child what it needs, so it's still neglective, in my opinion.
@@_maia_m thanks I think my parents give what I need but I do have learning disabilities so I can kind of see where they can see I have difficulty seeing some things for what they are so if I’m on a bus or in an Uber and a hit said to me your pretty I’d might just take it as a compliment but he might be hitting on me (sexually not physically)and I might not understand that he’s trying to do something else with me but they give me a roof over my head ,food to eat even though I’m over eighteen years old and live with them and have only just recently found a part time job and don’t have a boyfriend yet so I wouldn’t sat my parents are neglectful of me and to be more open I’m 24 and adopted by my grandparents so it could just be the age difference
Parents being too involved and not involved enough in the lives of their kids are both issues. From your comments you're 24 and your parents in this example are actually your grandparents since you're adopted? I can see how older people might be more worried or scared of something happening but still, not an excuse. Not sure what kind of learning disability you have but just from these comments, it doesn't seem to severely affect your ability to understand what people are saying or your ability to read so I'm not sure why it would be an issue with you going on public transport.
Overprotective/ helicopter parents can really affect kids in detrimental ways because kids need some semblance of independence and agency in their life while growing up. There's a line between parents being a little overprotective and parents using that to control their kids as much as they can. Not being allowed to use public transport at 24 is weird. I don't know the context though, like is it really common to use public transport in your area? Is it safe? Are you allowed to walk home? I can understand your grandparents not wanting you to walk home at night or something so they could pick you up at the bus station which is what happens to me with my overprotective parents, and I understand not wanting you to use uber/ taxis, but if you're allowed to walk around by yourself, that doesn't make sense.
Since you were sexually harassed in high school, I can understand their fear of that happening to you again, especially since generally adults are more dangerous. If someone is told they're pretty, it's normal to assume it's just a compliment. If the man has ulterior motives, he's going to be doing other things like ask you for your number or something. It seems you're saying you have a hard time picking up body language or when people are being indirect. I think that's okay. Your parents giving you food, shelter, and paying for stuff like clothes or soap is expected. Jails also provide that for their inmates. You can still be emotionally neglected despite having your physical needs met.
Hi Kati, Mind Life Flow here (Patrick) and thanks for another interesting video and content. I am a Clinical Psychologist in Australia so interested in what you produce on your site here. What do you find is the most popular topic you have spoken about or responded to?
I like this way... maybe you can do both to make people happy... it's extra work tho 🤷🏽♀️
Phew this inner child stuff is hard. Am I weird for thinking that this is another reason for me to not have a kid (although having a kid has not been a priority)? Like at some point, I am going to majorly screw up, and my child would need years of therapy to repair themselves because I messed up at that point in time?
I worry about the same thing, it's not like I've really been considering it anyway but anytime I think about it I'm like 'and screw up another kid? no no no'
Totally, this is also another reason why I don't want kids. You can fuck up in many ways as a parent even if you try your best.
Awww cute Roxy 🐶💖
I felt so sorry for how the therapist handled the patient asking question pushing therapist away .. your response didn’t help too.
Myr Case worker tell me that borderline personality disorder is fake is not really a mental disorder
??? What's her reasoning for that? Does she see it as part of a trauma response like it's actually cptsd?