I come from a emotionally manipulative family so the knowledge is very helpful. Yes I apologized for something I never did wrong . This is another behaviour I’m trying to stop .
Terri, I am amazed at how many of the subtle manipulations of emotional abuse and “brainwashing” you cover. More importantly, this is so incredibly validating. Thank you.
He's been this way from the very beginning. I used to GENTLY confront him every month about cutting back on his cigarette & alcohol addictions bc we were perpetually late on rent, which incurred a late fee, and how it was stressing me out to have to see the manager in person every time to make up excuses when there really was no reason for it other than him not caring to be on time. He would cut me off to bitch me out about crumbs on the countertop, dishes or laundry that weren't done yet, ANYTHING to change the subject & make it all about me not being good enough for him. He is like this about EVERY complaint I 've ever had about his shitty behavior & decisions. I am never allowed to have legitimate grievances that demand anything of him to make things right between us, and at the same time, I can never do anything right, or good enough, etc. I gave my best years to him for nothing, so I'm not going to reward the way he's treated me by giving him the rest of my life.
Get rid of him…..he’s using you to avoid dealing with his sickness. If your not around he won’t have anyone to blame for his defects and he will be stuck with his sorry ass. Good luck!
Terri, over the past 6 weeks I've had an interesting experience just like what you describe with love bombing. The interesting part is that I was listening to the audio version of your book throughout my interaction with this man. I set boundaries in real time. Not too surprising - these boundaries did not work for him and he discarded. It's fascinating to have an experience with a love bomber in a fully aware, supported (with your audiobook) way. I'm so glad this book came into my life at just the right moment.
Thank you, thank you Terri!!! I have finally been "clean" away from the abuse for 2 months (no contact) and I feel like a whole different person. Your book, the Boundary Boss, and a few more tools have helped me see the light and I am very grateful!! This was something that I have never experienced in my life and it was awful. I was losing myself and felt like I was drowning. However, there is hope.. and healing. Once again, very grateful.
It is excellent how you articulated that the intent is to cast self- doubt..on perceptions, memories, feelings. Through all the analysis on abusers, this is one crucial piece of the pie to have. ✨
I used to cry a lot because I didn't understand what in the world was happening. But after some time I've learned what's really happening and now my boyfriend is calling me abusive. I keep fighting for my boundaries. Yes, I will tell you I will not allow you to talk about other women in front of me. Yes, I will yell you I will not allow you to yell at me and call me bad names. Yes, I will tell you to pack your bags and leave, if you will not respect me. Our fighting is me fighting for respect. It's gone on too long. I would love to participate in your program.
I’ve experienced the kind of emotional manipulation from my parents that you described. They told me that their fight wasn’t a big deal. And this wasn’t only limited to this. I always felt that something was not right. Especially in my relationships with my mother (later I got to know she’s a covert narcissist). But only in therapy my true feelings were proved, and I felt so free when I realized I was right from the very young age.
It sure is painful. Having a doubting, angry day - and nothing like such a video to get me back on a healthier track. Even though I’ve not had anything to do with the friend I had a big (narcissistic) blow out with, 2 months ago, I’m still very affected. It is lessening, but my goodness it’s long. The friend episode did allow me to look at my violent first family and omg, two narcissistic parents. One overt and one covert. I’m in the mind blowing phase of seeing just how many relationships I have that play out this way. My weak boundaries, my seeking validation from disastrous sources. Past year and a half, getting clearer w boundaries, but several relationships ending because of it. NOW I understand WHY. it’s still not comfortable standing up for myself. Today it feels like it’s going to take forever to heal. And be healthier. I know it’s not true, but feels hard today. Thanks for helping!
I once heard advice: "dont make plans in advance with a person for more time than you have known each other x2 (2x time known person). Eg. know each other for 3 months can plan 6 months in advance. Shift in this principle I guess would happen at about 2 year mark of relationship or after marriage that happened at least a year after meeting each other.
Thank you Terri for being my online therapist! Your videos have helped me a great deal! This one actually pinpointed the issue as l have not been able to give a name to it... emotional manipulation it is! If l start listing examples, l would not finish today!
For me it was my mother until she kicked me out at 18 and I walked right into my spouse arms. I’m walking away from this personality style before my 33 anniversary.
I'm not allowed to talk to his step sister and his step mother. Weird. If I go with friends he calls several times. If he goes with us he has temper tantrums and we leave early. He will go to bed early and leave me alone in the living room. Im isolated as well
Terri this is creepy because I am literally going through this right now. My boyfriend of two years is currently emotionally manipulating me about something he did that made me feel bad. And now your video comes up. Right now he is stonewalling me and I feel horrible about it. I don’t know what to do but I do feel helpless.
You have described the final years of my pattern distorted marriage. I feel like a sick science experiment-I can predict the lines now. It’s like it will not completely die. Like a bloody walking wounded yet It reincarnates in the hopes of change and then again goes cycling , recycling. Again like memory foam of insanity. What’s saving me ? I put myself in college and earned a position of a respectful career. That has only furthered his competition to a new level. So once again we bursts into flames and crash. I’m rising from the ashes. Smelling of smoke. It was easier to stay. No more.
I can recognize all the symptoms and quite possibly have never been with anyone but a narcissistic personality, but what I’m still having trouble with is why I’m having so much difficulty letting this latest person go. He’s antisocial, homeless, has 100 unsolvable issues that I can see very well, he discarded me and is blaming me for the situation, etc etc. it’s all there. I understand more about myself than I ever have. I have spent the last year alone and I’m fine with that I’m using boundaries pretty darn well with friends and family. And I’m still not over this person. I can’t stop thinking about them. I want them back in my life. Even though I know it would be disaster. And it makes me feel guilty and crazy feeling that way. I can’t have a big climax with myself without him being right there in my field. And I weep when that occurs. I know logically that it can never work and my heart doesn’t want to listen. I’ve gone through all the stages of grief and let myself feel the hurt. I’ve felt two or three times that I’m over it and it comes back. I’ve been familiar with your work since the 80s. Thank you
i think sometimes that perhaps they don’t know how to love themselves so how can they love you..i am also learning to be more loving to myself and confident and higher self esteem
It’s broken now. I don’t miss him anymore. I can’t imagine allowing something like that back in my life. Doing much better loving myself and putting me first in most if not any situation. Healing is paying attention to what I need instead of others and wishing things were different. Listening to music from the seventies to allow emotions that no longer belong fade away. Learning to love me is a long journey. Looking forward with great anticipation to develop my greatest qualities and spend time on things I don’t have to disassociate from And when I do, recognizing that and practicing self forgiveness. I’m in no way ready for a healthy long term relationship with anyone but me. And the pain and sadness is gone. Woo hoo
Omg you are a god send. thank you so much for all the wisdom you share Terri! Your videos are an eye opener. I have a long way to go.. for the past 4 months I’ve been trying to leave a relationship of 20 years and he just won’t accept it. I guess there are still many things I have to learn and conquer…
I feel traped in my three year old relationship. He is definately a narcisist who keep telling me how much he loves me and how important is our relationship for him, and me, a codependent, who constantly loses the sense of self. I am implicated in his life, I do things for him because he is not doing them so I feel it like it is my responsability, I feel drained when we are together. He is not respecting my boundaries, especially physical ones, he says he does, and then he forgots and does the same thing and makes me lose myself again. It is always about him, he is never truly interest in what I feel about certain things, what I think, he makes me feel like I am the crazy one because I am always sad and unsatisfied or don't agree with him. I feel like I am alone, I don't have much friends, I don't know what I do with my life, the last 3 years doesn't mean to much for me because I lived for him. I really don't know what to do. I feel like it is too hard for me to learn him that what he does is wrong,( when he does something wrong he tells me that I am wrong and he make me believe that his reality is the true one, and being just me and him, I have to agree, and I feel miserable) and hard to keep myself detached from him, or our conversations and relationship in general because I am in his life, not in my own, so I don't have a relationship with myself, my self esteem is low, I don't trust myself and my decisions, because he keeps telling me when I am upset that if he needs to get out of my life for me to be happy, hi will do that. And that is frustrating for me, it meand that our relationship, or me doesn't mean enything to him. I don't really know what to do and I am sure that I'm still not seeing the whole bigger picture..
Terri this is such an important video. So helpful. I wish i had it so many years ago. Love the concrete examples with explanations and then the effects on the target. Coersive control actually became illegal in the UK aroud 2015, but the problem is always proving it happened. So so many people in society refuse to accept these manipulative verbal actions as aggression including so many in the mental health professions, so many targets of abuse have it really hard to find support. In general there are so many people (in society, clergy, police, mental health professions) that refuse to accept these patterns as toxic/hurtful (deny the truth). I know a young man, whose alcoholic older brother has repeatedly hit him and their mother only says that he should forgive and forget and stay in relationship living in the same house. Oh, I told him the opposite. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Hi Terri, I have a friend or had a friend who called me names during a text discussion, such as that I was petty, selfish , self centred and told me I was narcissistic, and also I had a legal separation last year as leaving my husband and he was highly Narcissistic I needed to leave him and went for councilling , she is also good friends with him. . She has said not everybody else is narcissistic you are. I was so hurt and go back 40 years with her and her husband, I felt over the year being on my own, she slowly moving away from me. I miss her but I don’t but very very hurt. Please give me your opinion. Big Hugs and thanks for all your podcasts. It helps so much being a part of this program. Feeling lonely 😞
I know it’s painful, but I think this friendship is not healthy for you, especially if she remains friends with your ex. I think you should take the time you need to mourn it and move on to healthier friendships.
if i may say i’ve learned that if you are a narcissist you wouldn’t be thinking am i a narcissist in this relationship..they do not self reflect about their behaviors..soo my opinion is noo you are not the problem ..also have learned that they target vulnerable people they seek us out and we most likely reveal our hearts early on..some thoughts ❤i wish you well
Maybe I'm not going crazy... I was disappointed and frustrated with my ex because he hasn't made an effort to call me even after we agreed we should both make an effort. I was being a little passive aggressive and he noticed. I apologized, and told him i wanted to talk about why. When I brought the conversation up, he automatically said "well what do you do? Did you call?" And I said yes I have called and we spoke but never received a call back. He said "oh well you were probably trying to be petty by not calling because I didn't". How is that being petty? If someone says they love you, they'll make and effort. The conversation was totally flipped back onto what I didn't do...
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through that, Jan 💕 Is it possible to agree on a frequency of reaching out to have clearer expectations? Like, "I'd really love it if you could call me three times a week"? (Maybe you did, but wanted to mention it.)
@terri_cole Thank you, Terri for your advice ❤️. I will keep in mind for the next person. In the midst of the disagreement, he told me he has options (other women to choose from). I don't have time to perform like a circus animal for peanuts..
My partner was passive agressive. I get in a fight about it but in calm way and at the end i asked if something else is going on and he is stressed. Am i the manipulator for asking what else is going on? Because i found the excuse he gave me for his passive aggressiveness was not valid for me. He said he was frustrated because ALL WE do is mediocre, je has an issue that i want to work at a coffee shop because its low paid job, he has an issue because i help my family and spent all my time for them instead of planning things for us, etc. After i saw some videos of yours, made me realised that indeed he was raised in fear of expressing his anger so he expresses it in that way, so i have to be empathetic now that i know that? Because i really think he manipulates me with being passive aggressive, giving me silent treatment, etc. Am confused. Should i be empathetic and think i just don’t understand what i do that makes him angry? If i don’t agree with the reason he is angry, am i selfish?
If I am understanding you correctly, I don't think asking what else is going on is manipulative on your part. Passive aggressive anger has a lot of layers to it, and I explain it in greater detail in these videos: ruclips.net/video/F1qgk5Z1Y0k/видео.html ruclips.net/video/abM0X1kfp7Y/видео.html ruclips.net/video/lFb8ERidAtQ/видео.html These videos also have suggestions on ways to manage it and communicate, but it sounds like your partner raised some concerns to be addressed. I usually suggest having a "State of the Union" meeting biweekly to normalize discussing your relationship in a neutral setting. Hope that helps ❤️
Great question, Barbara. It definitely depends on the situation. Is it possible to discuss how you feel with this person or someone else who you feel safe with in your family? Not engaging can be effective as well, especially if the person is narcissistic. ❤️
Too real for ya, Terri? So just delete what I have to say because it's not pleasant to hear? NOT COOL coming from someone who REALLY "wants to help". And to allow others to invalidate my pain and expect me to say NOTHING?? NOW, I question your REAL motives. Unsubscribed, and finding other resources to help me make heads or tails of my trauma. Sorry my mother sold me, and sorry I corrected the foolish woman who said "you only have one mother" in YOUR VIDEO comments and stood up for myself to the kind of people that ENABLED the atrocious, unthinkable abuse I endured. SORRY.
Oh my God, this is perfect timing Terri! I just met this guy online, few days ago, we haven't even met yet, but he already managed to manipulate me into doing and saying things, that I didn't want to (and as you said, only later you wake up thinking, how did I just say or do these things?!?!?). Jeeee!!!... 🤦🏼♀️ I'm shocked. I thought I was ( I actually am!) intelligent and wise person!!...
I come from a emotionally manipulative family so the knowledge is very helpful. Yes I apologized for something I never did wrong . This is another behaviour I’m trying to stop .
Terri, I am amazed at how many of the subtle manipulations of emotional abuse and “brainwashing” you cover. More importantly, this is so incredibly validating. Thank you.
I'm so glad it was helpful and validating ❤️
He's been this way from the very beginning. I used to GENTLY confront him every month about cutting back on his cigarette & alcohol addictions bc we were perpetually late on rent, which incurred a late fee, and how it was stressing me out to have to see the manager in person every time to make up excuses when there really was no reason for it other than him not caring to be on time.
He would cut me off to bitch me out about crumbs on the countertop, dishes or laundry that weren't done yet, ANYTHING to change the subject & make it all about me not being good enough for him.
He is like this about EVERY complaint I 've ever had about his shitty behavior & decisions. I am never allowed to have legitimate grievances that demand anything of him to make things right between us, and at the same time, I can never do anything right, or good enough, etc.
I gave my best years to him for nothing, so I'm not going to reward the way he's treated me by giving him the rest of my life.
Get rid of him…..he’s using you to avoid dealing with his sickness. If your not around he won’t have anyone to blame for his defects and he will be stuck with his sorry ass. Good luck!
You bossed up and owned your worth. Great work! Im proud of you and i trust you will continue to do well.
Terri, over the past 6 weeks I've had an interesting experience just like what you describe with love bombing. The interesting part is that I was listening to the audio version of your book throughout my interaction with this man. I set boundaries in real time. Not too surprising - these boundaries did not work for him and he discarded. It's fascinating to have an experience with a love bomber in a fully aware, supported (with your audiobook) way. I'm so glad this book came into my life at just the right moment.
Thank you, thank you Terri!!! I have finally been "clean" away from the abuse for 2 months (no contact) and I feel like a whole different person. Your book, the Boundary Boss, and a few more tools have helped me see the light and I am very grateful!! This was something that I have never experienced in my life and it was awful. I was losing myself and felt like I was drowning. However, there is hope.. and healing. Once again, very grateful.
It is excellent how you articulated that the intent is to cast self- doubt..on perceptions, memories, feelings. Through all the analysis on abusers, this is one crucial piece of the pie to have. ✨
I used to cry a lot because I didn't understand what in the world was happening. But after some time I've learned what's really happening and now my boyfriend is calling me abusive. I keep fighting for my boundaries. Yes, I will tell you I will not allow you to talk about other women in front of me. Yes, I will yell you I will not allow you to yell at me and call me bad names. Yes, I will tell you to pack your bags and leave, if you will not respect me. Our fighting is me fighting for respect. It's gone on too long. I would love to participate in your program.
I’ve experienced the kind of emotional manipulation from my parents that you described. They told me that their fight wasn’t a big deal. And this wasn’t only limited to this. I always felt that something was not right. Especially in my relationships with my mother (later I got to know she’s a covert narcissist). But only in therapy my true feelings were proved, and I felt so free when I realized I was right from the very young age.
I'm so glad you were able to reach the point of honoring your experiences and feeling free ❤️
Terri your book "boundary boss" changed my life in so many ways for the better. Thank you
I'm so happy to hear that! Thank you for sharing 🥰
It sure is painful. Having a doubting, angry day - and nothing like such a video to get me back on a healthier track. Even though I’ve not had anything to do with the friend I had a big (narcissistic) blow out with, 2 months ago, I’m still very affected. It is lessening, but my goodness it’s long.
The friend episode did allow me to look at my violent first family and omg, two narcissistic parents. One overt and one covert. I’m in the mind blowing phase of seeing just how many relationships I have that play out this way. My weak boundaries, my seeking validation from disastrous sources. Past year and a half, getting clearer w boundaries, but several relationships ending because of it. NOW I understand WHY. it’s still not comfortable standing up for myself. Today it feels like it’s going to take forever to heal. And be healthier. I know it’s not true, but feels hard today. Thanks for helping!
Very important topic Terri. Especially for us empaths to know when we are being manipulated.
I once heard advice: "dont make plans in advance with a person for more time than you have known each other x2 (2x time known person). Eg. know each other for 3 months can plan 6 months in advance. Shift in this principle I guess would happen at about 2 year mark of relationship or after marriage that happened at least a year after meeting each other.
Thank you Terri for being my online therapist! Your videos have helped me a great deal! This one actually pinpointed the issue as l have not been able to give a name to it... emotional manipulation it is! If l start listing examples, l would not finish today!
i cant beleive how you say this, this is just how i feel!! thank you kindly!!
So glad it resonated with you ❤️
58 yrs of dad and spouse. Even last night with spouse of 42 years. 😥 Yes. Super lonely.
For me it was my mother until she kicked me out at 18 and I walked right into my spouse arms. I’m walking away from this personality style before my 33 anniversary.
I'm not allowed to talk to his step sister and his step mother. Weird. If I go with friends he calls several times. If he goes with us he has temper tantrums and we leave early. He will go to bed early and leave me alone in the living room. Im isolated as well
Terri this is creepy because I am literally going through this right now. My boyfriend of two years is currently emotionally manipulating me about something he did that made me feel bad. And now your video comes up. Right now he is stonewalling me and I feel horrible about it. I don’t know what to do but I do feel helpless.
Do something loving for yourself like going to get your nails done or whatever it is that you can manage to do 💝
Hi Terri. Im from Chile, and I want to thank you for the wisdom you are sharing and the easy way you are doing it. Pls continue to do so!
❤️
I admire the heck out of you gorgeous girl. So good!!
❤️
You are not alone. ❤️ beautiful woman inside out.
You have described the final years of my pattern distorted marriage. I feel like a sick science experiment-I can predict the lines now. It’s like it will not completely die. Like a bloody walking wounded yet It reincarnates in the hopes of change and then again goes cycling , recycling. Again like memory foam of insanity. What’s saving me ? I put myself in college and earned a position of a respectful career. That has only furthered his competition to a new level. So once again we bursts into flames and crash. I’m rising from the ashes. Smelling of smoke. It was easier to stay. No more.
I can recognize all the symptoms and quite possibly have never been with anyone but a narcissistic personality, but what I’m still having trouble with is why I’m having so much difficulty letting this latest person go. He’s antisocial, homeless, has 100 unsolvable issues that I can see very well, he discarded me and is blaming me for the situation, etc etc. it’s all there. I understand more about myself than I ever have. I have spent the last year alone and I’m fine with that I’m using boundaries pretty darn well with friends and family. And I’m still not over this person. I can’t stop thinking about them. I want them back in my life. Even though I know it would be disaster. And it makes me feel guilty and crazy feeling that way. I can’t have a big climax with myself without him being right there in my field. And I weep when that occurs. I know logically that it can never work and my heart doesn’t want to listen. I’ve gone through all the stages of grief and let myself feel the hurt. I’ve felt two or three times that I’m over it and it comes back. I’ve been familiar with your work since the 80s. Thank you
It's an unclean soul tie that you have with him. It needs to be broken.
i think sometimes that perhaps they don’t know how to love themselves so how can they love you..i am also learning to be more loving to myself and confident and higher self esteem
It’s broken now. I don’t miss him anymore. I can’t imagine allowing something like that back in my life. Doing much better loving myself and putting me first in most if not any situation. Healing is paying attention to what I need instead of others and wishing things were different. Listening to music from the seventies to allow emotions that no longer belong fade away. Learning to love me is a long journey. Looking forward with great anticipation to develop my greatest qualities and spend time on things I don’t have to disassociate from And when I do, recognizing that and practicing self forgiveness. I’m in no way ready for a healthy long term relationship with anyone but me. And the pain and sadness is gone. Woo hoo
Omg you are a god send. thank you so much for all the wisdom you share Terri! Your videos are an eye opener. I have a long way to go.. for the past 4 months I’ve been trying to leave a relationship of 20 years and he just won’t accept it. I guess there are still many things I have to learn and conquer…
I feel traped in my three year old relationship. He is definately a narcisist who keep telling me how much he loves me and how important is our relationship for him, and me, a codependent, who constantly loses the sense of self. I am implicated in his life, I do things for him because he is not doing them so I feel it like it is my responsability, I feel drained when we are together. He is not respecting my boundaries, especially physical ones, he says he does, and then he forgots and does the same thing and makes me lose myself again. It is always about him, he is never truly interest in what I feel about certain things, what I think, he makes me feel like I am the crazy one because I am always sad and unsatisfied or don't agree with him. I feel like I am alone, I don't have much friends, I don't know what I do with my life, the last 3 years doesn't mean to much for me because I lived for him. I really don't know what to do. I feel like it is too hard for me to learn him that what he does is wrong,( when he does something wrong he tells me that I am wrong and he make me believe that his reality is the true one, and being just me and him, I have to agree, and I feel miserable) and hard to keep myself detached from him, or our conversations and relationship in general because I am in his life, not in my own, so I don't have a relationship with myself, my self esteem is low, I don't trust myself and my decisions, because he keeps telling me when I am upset that if he needs to get out of my life for me to be happy, hi will do that. And that is frustrating for me, it meand that our relationship, or me doesn't mean enything to him. I don't really know what to do and I am sure that I'm still not seeing the whole bigger picture..
Terri this is such an important video. So helpful. I wish i had it so many years ago. Love the concrete examples with explanations and then the effects on the target. Coersive control actually became illegal in the UK aroud 2015, but the problem is always proving it happened. So so many people in society refuse to accept these manipulative verbal actions as aggression including so many in the mental health professions, so many targets of abuse have it really hard to find support. In general there are so many people (in society, clergy, police, mental health professions) that refuse to accept these patterns as toxic/hurtful (deny the truth). I know a young man, whose alcoholic older brother has repeatedly hit him and their mother only says that he should forgive and forget and stay in relationship living in the same house. Oh, I told him the opposite. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Some mothers are detrimental to their children well being. They are not mentally whole themselves.
Brilliant video with so many tips - thank you 🙏
Glad it was helpful!
Hi Terri, I have a friend or had a friend who called me names during a text discussion, such as that I was petty, selfish , self centred and told me I was narcissistic, and also I had a legal separation last year as leaving my husband and he was highly Narcissistic I needed to leave him and went for councilling , she is also good friends with him.
. She has said not everybody else is narcissistic you are. I was so hurt and go back 40 years with her and her husband, I felt over the year being on my own, she slowly moving away from me. I miss her but I don’t but very very hurt. Please give me your opinion. Big Hugs and thanks for all your podcasts. It helps so much being a part of this program. Feeling lonely 😞
I know it’s painful, but I think this friendship is not healthy for you, especially if she remains friends with your ex. I think you should take the time you need to mourn it and move on to healthier friendships.
if i may say i’ve learned that if you are a narcissist you wouldn’t be thinking am i a narcissist in this relationship..they do not self reflect about their behaviors..soo my opinion is noo you are not the problem ..also have learned that they target vulnerable people they seek us out and we most likely reveal our hearts early on..some thoughts ❤i wish you well
Wow, so amaizingly clear! Thank you, thank you!
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you I have your book e-book and audiobook:))) Fantastic
Glad you like them! Thank you for being here ❤️
I’m not smooth enough yet to address it in a healthy way, I get to upset or I am to needy, upon noticing that it’s happening.
Do any of your boundary videos address saying no, in response to both minor or major requests? Or is that just boundaries in general?
Maybe I'm not going crazy... I was disappointed and frustrated with my ex because he hasn't made an effort to call me even after we agreed we should both make an effort. I was being a little passive aggressive and he noticed. I apologized, and told him i wanted to talk about why. When I brought the conversation up, he automatically said "well what do you do? Did you call?" And I said yes I have called and we spoke but never received a call back. He said "oh well you were probably trying to be petty by not calling because I didn't". How is that being petty? If someone says they love you, they'll make and effort. The conversation was totally flipped back onto what I didn't do...
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through that, Jan 💕 Is it possible to agree on a frequency of reaching out to have clearer expectations? Like, "I'd really love it if you could call me three times a week"? (Maybe you did, but wanted to mention it.)
@terri_cole Thank you, Terri for your advice ❤️. I will keep in mind for the next person. In the midst of the disagreement, he told me he has options (other women to choose from). I don't have time to perform like a circus animal for peanuts..
Heck no you don't, Jan! Good for you 👏👏
My partner was passive agressive. I get in a fight about it but in calm way and at the end i asked if something else is going on and he is stressed.
Am i the manipulator for asking what else is going on? Because i found the excuse he gave me for his passive aggressiveness was not valid for me. He said he was frustrated because ALL WE do is mediocre, je has an issue that i want to work at a coffee shop because its low paid job, he has an issue because i help my family and spent all my time for them instead of planning things for us, etc.
After i saw some videos of yours, made me realised that indeed he was raised in fear of expressing his anger so he expresses it in that way, so i have to be empathetic now that i know that? Because i really think he manipulates me with being passive aggressive, giving me silent treatment, etc.
Am confused. Should i be empathetic and think i just don’t understand what i do that makes him angry? If i don’t agree with the reason he is angry, am i selfish?
If I am understanding you correctly, I don't think asking what else is going on is manipulative on your part. Passive aggressive anger has a lot of layers to it, and I explain it in greater detail in these videos:
ruclips.net/video/F1qgk5Z1Y0k/видео.html
ruclips.net/video/abM0X1kfp7Y/видео.html
ruclips.net/video/lFb8ERidAtQ/видео.html
These videos also have suggestions on ways to manage it and communicate, but it sounds like your partner raised some concerns to be addressed. I usually suggest having a "State of the Union" meeting biweekly to normalize discussing your relationship in a neutral setting. Hope that helps ❤️
Thank you ❤️
What if you have a family relative, like this pushes you out and than continues. Do we just not engage the conversation?
Great question, Barbara. It definitely depends on the situation. Is it possible to discuss how you feel with this person or someone else who you feel safe with in your family? Not engaging can be effective as well, especially if the person is narcissistic. ❤️
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We both were trying lol. I couldn't get it either
Too real for ya, Terri? So just delete what I have to say because it's not pleasant to hear? NOT COOL coming from someone who REALLY "wants to help". And to allow others to invalidate my pain and expect me to say NOTHING??
NOW, I question your REAL motives.
Unsubscribed, and finding other resources to help me make heads or tails of my trauma.
Sorry my mother sold me, and sorry I corrected the foolish woman who said "you only have one mother" in YOUR VIDEO comments and stood up for myself to the kind of people that ENABLED the atrocious, unthinkable abuse I endured. SORRY.
Oh my God, this is perfect timing Terri!
I just met this guy online, few days ago, we haven't even met yet, but he already managed to manipulate me into doing and saying things, that I didn't want to (and as you said, only later you wake up thinking, how did I just say or do these things?!?!?). Jeeee!!!... 🤦🏼♀️ I'm shocked. I thought I was ( I actually am!) intelligent and wise person!!...