You make me feel like I am a whole person, who has value and inherent worth, who is not defective or needing to kill off parts of myself for being flawed or unacceptable. You don't make me feel mentally ill or broken; you make me realize I've been wounded and my feelings are justified. I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time after watching your videos and Dr. Peter Breggin.
This is very valuable information. I'm stopping halfway through to remark how important this is. You just said your mother was subjected to the 'silent treatment' by her parents. This is so very significant. That is nothing short of terrorism against a child. Research has proven this. The transgenerational trauma that is in your family is real. Much respect to you for discovering this and doing what you can to end it in your generation.
Its a never ending cycle parents passing their traumas on their children. And people are so oblivious to this that they dont even want to talk about it. I f I even mention the word trauma to my dad he would act as I said I sae an alien and played chess with it
Icy Spice I don't want to make excuses for your dad. But a person who has no means of assimilating a truth emotionally is likely to balk or just be quasi-paralyzed by the topic.
@@brandyk this is whats wrong with it alltogether. youre saying I shouldnt call it trauma when it is. its exactly what my family has been doing. pretending everythings fine whnen its not. if i have to sugarcoat the word trauma to the one who has traumatized me, what do you expect the outcome to be?
Wow! You just gave me such an epiphany. My sister and I were neglected and abused by our parents growing up and she also abused me greatly through humiliation and physical torture. When I became an adult and struggled with my mental health she made me feel like a defective social pariah (even though she is a licensed therapist) and treated me like she hated me. Now I know, she couldn't stand seeing in me what she was trying so hard to dissociate from in herself.
Similar kind of thing with me and my brother, but we both wanted to be real. The unforgivable was done before we could get out though. Its really messy and complicated. What that really reminded me of though, an old babysitter we had drove her own brother to suicide acting in a similar manner towards him.
Daniel is the real deal. The earlier you start do this work the better... but it’s something that starts with a major adverse “happening” in my experience.
One of the most honest people on youtube,not trying to gloss over anything or pretend to be anything they are not.You really do deserve so many more subs
My mom was an MFT and she used her schooling to manipulate and destroy my spirit growing up. She was amazing to her clients who viewed her like a God, but when it came to me she would never listen and keep telling me why I was awful because of all these mental health problems she was convinced I had. Last week I finally walked away from her and my dad.
I would love to hear you talk about your preferred psychotherapy approach or theory that you found the most useful when you were a therapist? And what were the concepts you believed in the most? The way that you talk about specific topics makes me believe it might be Transactional Analysis, but I'd love to hear more.
Markovic Aleksandra His ideas remind me of Rogerian psychotherapy. His videos and On Becoming a Person have been the most helpful to me in personal growth :)
I notice that even though I have cut ties w my parents and family of origin Bc they were so toxic, I seem to still be attracting the same types of people into my life...People who don’t approve of me and criticize me just like my parents did.
I came into my freshman year of college with the intention of going into computer science, and absolutely hated it. In the mean time I turned to other fields of study, and your videos played a huge part in my decision to pursue psych. Thank you for your work:)
Exactly. Thats what I would say too. i would add that it creates a real distrust in me when a therapist is pretending to be listening. i mean everybody has a bad day but making me feel like i cant trust my guts that says they arent listening is just a horrible betrayal. also becoming more present in the moment is important for listening (which is also acheived through learning and most of all healing). another thing is being in good physical shape, good nutrition and enough sleep (as you mentioned) and reducing stress and always being on the internet rather than spending time in nature. i think what is also helpful as an exercise is walking down the street and looking at ppl and feeling inside of them and if you dont like them try noticing what part that you dont like bout yourself do they trigger and why and let it move through you your body and your mind until you start seeing their healthy and wonderful parts and arent pushed away so much anymore (im not saying that you should distrust your intuition to keep away from a person though, could become really dangerous for you). what is also important to start to notice is when you are interpreting something out of your expectations/own experience. Some people are so fixated on the litteral meaning of the words that they completely miss the intonation and gesture posture mimics the energy flowing between them and that everyones usage of words differ, like someone says you hoe maybe all the time when sb annoys them a little and they dont actually mean it all too bad or insulting and the other person then goes and is extremely upset because they think it was meant as an extreme insult. thats one of the hardest things i think, because you gotta know how your lens is blurred before you can filter out your own distortions. also i think releasing shame is extremely important for being able to listen to sb bc if you cant look at them, dont dare to come close, dont dare to open yourself for yourself and another person then your never going to teally listen to someone. So thanks for the video, finally someone who doesnt claim really listening is about paraphrasing everything the other person said.
It would be interesting to listen to you talk about healthy boundaries. It's so hard to keep healthy boundaries with some people and in some situations.
Daniel, I love your videos! A question: what are examples of feelings that you learned stuff and could not express to parents (or peers) in order to emotionally survive? I think mine are SO stuffed down from an early early age that I cannot even identify them. Thank you.
Wow this answers some of my questions. Like i was wondering why some people won’t stop talking like radios and never listen to you. Now it’s clear that most probably they doyknow how to listen to themselves either
I am beyond grateful and super fortunate to have found this video thank you so much for your wisdom and knowledge and the reminder to go with in and really look at the shadows I have inside of me and start working on those thank you so much!!!
11:30 (other tutorials ... Listening techniques ... ) are still useful. 12:20 the "listerner" must be in LISTENING MODE: not tired, etc. From a cognitive science viewpoint, there are many aspects of listening not considered here. Listen to the message, rather than the words & gestures. Listen to the messages behind the obvious messages. Communicate as relevant, that somehow you have sensed the hidden emotions & hidden messages that are still waiting to be expressed. Connect the many mixed & confusing parts of the overall listening session. Speed or slow down the message transfers, according to the capability of the two persons (sender & receiver). Finally, gently terminate the listening session with a real-time grounding process. This "return" to present-time place & time is essential for firmly establishing the talker (discloser) to a new sense of intact & integrated personhood. The disclosures are part of the Australian invention called NARRATIVE THERAPY. BTW: I'm Australian, retired to the Australian Capital Territory, 2019).
Kevin Hornbuckle Much thanks for the info, I’m always on the hunt for that phenomenon (attachment avoidance) I think it plays a key role in many social situations including ofcourse listening. I think attachment avoidance is very subtle. And major milestone to overcome, because as I can tell from the work of Daniel talking on schizophrenia and splitting of, is that people need people and connection to be healthy, but the very attachment avoidance is what prevents you from connecting.
Hey Daniel pls mention at what age you broke off grom your parents ! I tried multiple times but after all the failed attempts of living abroad (France) I’m from Germany, I always ended up back w them... now I’m 29 but this time I wanna break off for real ! No return, no looking back... they think I’m weak and lazy, they always was non retrospective !!! never understand what’s it like to live w childlike damaged ppl under one roof ! I’m beyond exhausted...
@Darcy Royce Daniel and Stefan did podcasts together years ago. They both spend a lot of time on therapy, thinking, self-knowledge, psychology, philosophy and truth in general. Both broke from their parents and also broke from the economic, industrial institutions which made them pretty unbiased and one of a few, who can really go through all factors involved and the complexity of it all. Stefan takes calls from listeners and is always able to provide great insights and value to every conversation.
I think they have a similar approach to things, working from first principles with a great amount of (self-)knowledge and psychological insight, defining words and meaning while cutting trough all the nonsense. Even if they 'branch out into other stuff', I'll be listening.
Daniel is an excellent choice,.. of course they're different in many aspects and expressions but both pursue objective truth (as some kind of ideology), not money nor fame or prestige and they're also connected in a larger, deeper way through universal ethics and moral principles. We all know the truth can hurt and facts don't care about our feelings and emotions. If Stefan's words and ideology causes icky and uncomfortable feelings, there might be a great opportunity for you to explore those feelings in context to Stefan's words. Or explore why Stefan said those words, in which context and what were his arguments for it. It will give you more insight and perspective. We learn the most in places we want to look the least (or places we avoid the most because of bad feelings/memories). Daniel is awesome, also check out Peter Gerlach, who's no longer around, but still has a great message to share.
One of the things I've learned over the years is when a female is speaking and comes to "and..." and then pauses, it is better for me to refrain from saying anything and let her complete her thought in fullness. This may take a minute or two. Just keep my mouth shut and listen for the feeling behind the statement.
Hi Daniel, when you say that you want others to accept whole parts of you, do you claim that every bit of you is perfect and right? Because if we are not perfect and there are flaws in us ( in all humans) than how can we expect everyone to accept them and not avoid or fight them? I murderer may think he is justified to murder, but a layman cannot accept him and love him for that tendency? Do you accept all part of everyone you meet? Your parents for example?
This isn't the normal advice i've heard. Sounds like you developed avoidant attachment as a child. I did too. I got made fun of for my speech problems and my father literally had a hearing problem. It was too much energy to tell him how i felt. Three, five times, using different words and talking loudly, and i am out. I still do refuse to talk to people. They've stopped listening so long ago, i just don't think anything i will say will change their minds. You tell a man you don't want to have sex five times or more. There is nothing more i can say, and i refuse. Then they act like i am the villain.
I've noticed that the recommended videos in the side bar will be flooded with Daniel's other videos, but the top video will always be a video from someone else, and it's always a video about something else that follows the more widely accepted mental health system dogma. The top video is always the next thing that plays when autoplay is turned on, so I'm thinking RUclips doesn't like Daniel speaking the truth and is trying to guide viewers away from it.
"Could you just acknowledge my existence!": my thought after talking with a family member
You make me feel like I am a whole person, who has value and inherent worth, who is not defective or needing to kill off parts of myself for being flawed or unacceptable. You don't make me feel mentally ill or broken; you make me realize I've been wounded and my feelings are justified. I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time after watching your videos and Dr. Peter Breggin.
I also I'm helped in similar ways by Ry@n Cr0pper. Highly recommend his videos, much love
This is very valuable information. I'm stopping halfway through to remark how important this is. You just said your mother was subjected to the 'silent treatment' by her parents. This is so very significant. That is nothing short of terrorism against a child. Research has proven this. The transgenerational trauma that is in your family is real. Much respect to you for discovering this and doing what you can to end it in your generation.
When your parents ignore you, you become leftwing.
@@brandyk Thank you. I full agree with you on all these points.
Its a never ending cycle parents passing their traumas on their children. And people are so oblivious to this that they dont even want to talk about it. I f I even mention the word trauma to my dad he would act as I said I sae an alien and played chess with it
Icy Spice I don't want to make excuses for your dad. But a person who has no means of assimilating a truth emotionally is likely to balk or just be quasi-paralyzed by the topic.
@@kevinhornbuckle i know, which is sad
@@brandyk this is whats wrong with it alltogether. youre saying I shouldnt call it trauma when it is. its exactly what my family has been doing. pretending everythings fine whnen its not. if i have to sugarcoat the word trauma to the one who has traumatized me, what do you expect the outcome to be?
Hey Daniel, I was the person who asked the question. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this, it's extremely helpful.
Mary A
Great question! Thanks for suggesting it. 😊
yes, Mary, you were! thank you for the suggestion! Daniel
Wow! You just gave me such an epiphany.
My sister and I were neglected and abused by our parents growing up and she also abused me greatly through humiliation and physical torture. When I became an adult and struggled with my mental health she made me feel like a defective social pariah (even though she is a licensed therapist) and treated me like she hated me. Now I know, she couldn't stand seeing in me what she was trying so hard to dissociate from in herself.
Similar kind of thing with me and my brother, but we both wanted to be real. The unforgivable was done before we could get out though. Its really messy and complicated. What that really reminded me of though, an old babysitter we had drove her own brother to suicide acting in a similar manner towards him.
Daniel is the real deal. The earlier you start do this work the better... but it’s something that starts with a major adverse “happening” in my experience.
Finding you Daniel is one of the highlights of my you tube experience.
Thanks again. 🙏
I'm so glad that you exist Daniel!
One of the most honest people on youtube,not trying to gloss over anything or pretend to be anything they are not.You really do deserve so many more subs
My mom was an MFT and she used her schooling to manipulate and destroy my spirit growing up. She was amazing to her clients who viewed her like a God, but when it came to me she would never listen and keep telling me why I was awful because of all these mental health problems she was convinced I had. Last week I finally walked away from her and my dad.
I love listening to you:) thank you!
Listening to yourself can also prevent slipping (back) into depression. When you don't listen to yourself, your mind/body has very few options.
I told a friend I was bullied in school and her reply was I was never bullied haha...wow !!!!
I would love to hear you talk about your preferred psychotherapy approach or theory that you found the most useful when you were a therapist? And what were the concepts you believed in the most? The way that you talk about specific topics makes me believe it might be Transactional Analysis, but I'd love to hear more.
Markovic Aleksandra His ideas remind me of Rogerian psychotherapy. His videos and On Becoming a Person have been the most helpful to me in personal growth :)
I notice that even though I have cut ties w my parents and family of origin Bc they were so toxic, I seem to still be attracting the same types of people into my life...People who don’t approve of me and criticize me just like my parents did.
I came into my freshman year of college with the intention of going into computer science, and absolutely hated it. In the mean time I turned to other fields of study, and your videos played a huge part in my decision to pursue psych. Thank you for your work:)
Always gold 🤙
Exactly. Thats what I would say too. i would add that it creates a real distrust in me when a therapist is pretending to be listening. i mean everybody has a bad day but making me feel like i cant trust my guts that says they arent listening is just a horrible betrayal. also becoming more present in the moment is important for listening (which is also acheived through learning and most of all healing). another thing is being in good physical shape, good nutrition and enough sleep (as you mentioned) and reducing stress and always being on the internet rather than spending time in nature. i think what is also helpful as an exercise is walking down the street and looking at ppl and feeling inside of them and if you dont like them try noticing what part that you dont like bout yourself do they trigger and why and let it move through you your body and your mind until you start seeing their healthy and wonderful parts and arent pushed away so much anymore (im not saying that you should distrust your intuition to keep away from a person though, could become really dangerous for you). what is also important to start to notice is when you are interpreting something out of your expectations/own experience. Some people are so fixated on the litteral meaning of the words that they completely miss the intonation and gesture posture mimics the energy flowing between them and that everyones usage of words differ, like someone says you hoe maybe all the time when sb annoys them a little and they dont actually mean it all too bad or insulting and the other person then goes and is extremely upset because they think it was meant as an extreme insult. thats one of the hardest things i think, because you gotta know how your lens is blurred before you can filter out your own distortions. also i think releasing shame is extremely important for being able to listen to sb bc if you cant look at them, dont dare to come close, dont dare to open yourself for yourself and another person then your never going to teally listen to someone. So thanks for the video, finally someone who doesnt claim really listening is about paraphrasing everything the other person said.
It would be interesting to listen to you talk about healthy boundaries. It's so hard to keep healthy boundaries with some people and in some situations.
It's impossible to keep healthy boundaries with unhealthy people. If you are the only sane factor in the equation, you set the boundaries.
Daniel, I love your videos! A question: what are examples of feelings that you learned stuff and could not express to parents (or peers) in order to emotionally survive? I think mine are SO stuffed down from an early early age that I cannot even identify them. Thank you.
Yes. I need to listen more to my inner self. Ask some questions. Listen to the answers without judgment.
Thanks for the video!
Wow this answers some of my questions. Like i was wondering why some people won’t stop talking like radios and never listen to you. Now it’s clear that most probably they doyknow how to listen to themselves either
Thank you for sharing your insights, great video given so many people had their inner voices and needs neglected.
"The Great Brain" OMG, I thought I'd hallucinated those books into my childhood memories...wow.
Thank you David. (-;
I am beyond grateful and super fortunate to have found this video thank you so much for your wisdom and knowledge and the reminder to go with in and really look at the shadows I have inside of me and start working on those thank you so much!!!
11:30 (other tutorials ... Listening techniques ... ) are still useful.
12:20 the "listerner" must be in LISTENING MODE: not tired, etc.
From a cognitive science viewpoint, there are many aspects of listening not considered here. Listen to the message, rather than the words & gestures. Listen to the messages behind the obvious messages. Communicate as relevant, that somehow you have sensed the hidden emotions & hidden messages that are still waiting to be expressed. Connect the many mixed & confusing parts of the overall listening session. Speed or slow down the message transfers, according to the capability of the two persons (sender & receiver).
Finally, gently terminate the listening session with a real-time grounding process. This "return" to present-time place & time is essential for firmly establishing the talker (discloser) to a new sense of intact & integrated personhood. The disclosures are part of the Australian invention called NARRATIVE THERAPY.
BTW: I'm Australian, retired to the Australian Capital Territory, 2019).
Wow good stuff
Great point.
Hey Daniel please extrapolate the event where people are so avoidadant in attachment where is near impossible to be a listener.
jonky puff Yes, that exists. Craig Childress has described it in one of his blogs.
Kevin Hornbuckle Much thanks for the info, I’m always on the hunt for that phenomenon (attachment avoidance) I think it plays a key role in many social situations including ofcourse listening. I think attachment avoidance is very subtle. And major milestone to overcome, because as I can tell from the work of Daniel talking on schizophrenia and splitting of, is that people need people and connection to be healthy, but the very attachment avoidance is what prevents you from connecting.
jonky puff That can be somewhat understood through a lens of psychodynamic approach-avoidance.
one of the moto's of the IFS therapy is : All parts are welcome
Hey Daniel pls mention at what age you broke off grom your parents ! I tried multiple times but after all the failed attempts of living abroad (France) I’m from Germany, I always ended up back w them... now I’m 29 but this time I wanna break off for real ! No return, no looking back... they think I’m weak and lazy, they always was non retrospective !!! never understand what’s it like to live w childlike damaged ppl under one roof ! I’m beyond exhausted...
Talk to Stefan Molyneux.
@Darcy Royce Daniel and Stefan did podcasts together years ago. They both spend a lot of time on therapy, thinking, self-knowledge, psychology, philosophy and truth in general. Both broke from their parents and also broke from the economic, industrial institutions which made them pretty unbiased and one of a few, who can really go through all factors involved and the complexity of it all. Stefan takes calls from listeners and is always able to provide great insights and value to every conversation.
I think they have a similar approach to things, working from first principles with a great amount of (self-)knowledge and psychological insight, defining words and meaning while cutting trough all the nonsense. Even if they 'branch out into other stuff', I'll be listening.
Daniel is an excellent choice,.. of course they're different in many aspects and expressions but both pursue objective truth (as some kind of ideology), not money nor fame or prestige and they're also connected in a larger, deeper way through universal ethics and moral principles. We all know the truth can hurt and facts don't care about our feelings and emotions. If Stefan's words and ideology causes icky and uncomfortable feelings, there might be a great opportunity for you to explore those feelings in context to Stefan's words. Or explore why Stefan said those words, in which context and what were his arguments for it. It will give you more insight and perspective. We learn the most in places we want to look the least (or places we avoid the most because of bad feelings/memories). Daniel is awesome, also check out Peter Gerlach, who's no longer around, but still has a great message to share.
One of the things I've learned over the years is when a female is speaking and comes to "and..." and then pauses, it is better for me to refrain from saying anything and let her complete her thought in fullness. This may take a minute or two. Just keep my mouth shut and listen for the feeling behind the statement.
I listened, sounds familiar
Hi Daniel, when you say that you want others to accept whole parts of you, do you claim that every bit of you is perfect and right? Because if we are not perfect and there are flaws in us ( in all humans) than how can we expect everyone to accept them and not avoid or fight them? I murderer may think he is justified to murder, but a layman cannot accept him and love him for that tendency? Do you accept all part of everyone you meet? Your parents for example?
Your describing an issue that gets. In the way of education.
Can you make a video on how to listen to yourself
This isn't the normal advice i've heard. Sounds like you developed avoidant attachment as a child. I did too. I got made fun of for my speech problems and my father literally had a hearing problem. It was too much energy to tell him how i felt. Three, five times, using different words and talking loudly, and i am out.
I still do refuse to talk to people. They've stopped listening so long ago, i just don't think anything i will say will change their minds. You tell a man you don't want to have sex five times or more. There is nothing more i can say, and i refuse. Then they act like i am the villain.
I've noticed that the recommended videos in the side bar will be flooded with Daniel's other videos, but the top video will always be a video from someone else, and it's always a video about something else that follows the more widely accepted mental health system dogma. The top video is always the next thing that plays when autoplay is turned on, so I'm thinking RUclips doesn't like Daniel speaking the truth and is trying to guide viewers away from it.
What did he just say?
Weren't you 'listening?