@@troysultana1491 nah, “a voice for art” sounds like you’re telling them they have good opinions about art. Instead say they have a perfectly abstract face.
my favorite has always been "I'd tell you to go fuck yourself but I wouldn't wish that horror on even you" but for vicious mockery a good one (technically two) is: "You're not worth the spell slot I wasted to cast this" (followed next turn by) "Still havent figured it out yet? Its a cantrip, didnt even use a spell slot. and its *still* a waste"
But that isn't the premise? The premise was just asking for insults to sling at players every time they use the living bag. The item is the one doing the insulting, not item-based insults.
I once played a kind of fantasy noir detective kind of campaign. One particularly amusing interaction happened after an inane argument in a dive bar between a NPC and my mob goon Goliath turned violent. Halfling Bard, also my character’s best friend: “Yo yo why you trying to grease this guy?!” My character: “HE POURS MILK FIRST, THEN THE CEREAL!” Bard: *[immediately turns to the NPC and rolls vicious mockery]* “Yeah, he probably wipes his ass before takin a shit, too.” NPC: *[fucking dies]*
I think OP wanted to (un)subtly call their players a bunch of morons who make stupid decisions "You're clearly not the farthest-sliding penguin, are you." "If you had brains, I'd tell you to think back to everything you ever did. Alas, here we are." "Whatever you do, do NOT tilt your head over me. I don't want brain soup in my seams." "Why? Just... why?" "Look at your friends. See what they're doing? That's exactly how you ended up in this predicament." "So were you bored and decided to ruin your own quest, or...?" "You know, I love a sensible, level-headed owner... if only you could be like that." "Whatever you want from me, that's not gonna help." "Could you not? There are better ways to waste everyone's time." "You know, even you could be the most clever one in the party. You just need to consider a solo career." "Ah, a classic. You thought you were smarter than you actually are." "Look, there's no two ways about this. See what you did last time? Well, you fucked up." "I'd tell you not to do that, but you're gonna do it anyway." "Oh, welcome! Let me guess - more bad decisions on top of your previous stupid decisions?" "I don't know why I even care." "You do realize I can insult you all day, right?" "Oh thank you, but I didn't really NEED more material to ridicule you with." "You need to keep that stupidity of yours in check - there's only so much healing supplies in the world."
@@kiddykatand if that character isn’t exactly the *most* moral chef: “Mind flayers would take one look at you and would feel empty stomachs. Don’t worry, you’re not stupid, just… a disgrace in the kitchen and on the table.” When the chef makes a bad decision: “If that’s the best idea you could cook up, then I’d rather not taste your food, numb-nuts. Wait, that’s the wrong language… what was it in common again… oh right! Faeces!”
“ even peasants would tell you to shower” “ *WOW* , here I thought you had zero brain cells but it looks like you have less” “ some would say you’re stupid, the others don’t know that you exist” “ I’d compare your IQ to ants, but even they know how to solve problems” “ you need to take a shower you’r attracting all the rats” “ I swear you stinking enough that the undead pinch their noses” “you’r the annoying NPC that no one wants to listen to… oh, no wait, NPC‘s *LOOK* nice.” “ I thought smart parties through their trash away, so haven’t they throw you out?” When they do something stupid *together* “ That’s why they keep you around. They have the same IQ as you”
If the player deliberately tilts their head over the bag when he said the brain soup line "What did i just say?! Ah, no matter, i suppose i expected too much of ya. You're about as full as a broken bottle."
"Y'know, I used to have depression. I mean, I'm a Bag of Holding, what do I got in my life? ...But, hoo! Boy, you sure helped me with that. I mean, if I have it rough, just look at you! At least I have uses!"
"Look buddy, the maul is overcompensating, a dart would be more appropriate." "Thank god I don't keep atmosphere in here, have you ever smelt yourself? Or is that thing on your face actually a fungus and not just shaped like one?" "It wasn't until I met you that I was grateful for my extremely poor eyesight." "Hey look, I know about your will and all and while a Viking funeral is cool I'd like to see the end of next week so can we not?" "You know I'm actually a Bag of Devouring, but I don't want a heart attack from you mopes. Need to watch my fat intake."
Upon reaching into the bag: "I don't have any boogers for you to eat." "You should at least take me out to dinner first." "Just take it, quickly! I can't suffer your filthy extremity any longer."
"You need to apologize to the trees for all the oxygen you've wasted." "You're a dollar short and a day late to the fair." "Bout as sharp as a circle, this one." "I'm not even sure science can make use of you." "If someone took you, consider them your new family, cause i ain't pay for you back."
Party, searching for a specific item- "Where is it?! We need it to save the city!" BoS- "The gravity of this situation is astonishing. It's rivaled only by the sheer magnitude of my disinterest."
"You are, by far, the worst adventurer i've never heard of." "Look, pal, i only have a maximum carrying capacity of 500 lbs. You need to start pulling your weight in this party." "I have a vast amount of storage space, you'll have to rummage around a bit for that brain cell you put away in here." "I can hold a lot, but I'm fairly certain your ego won't fit. Your competence, however..."
" why even put your things inside me? you have a perfectly good skull that has a lot of empty space in there!" (taking out any blunt weapon) " If I were you, i'd worry that even this thing has more edge." (if taking out a grenade or anything) " remember, count to three... oh wait, those numbers might be too high for you." "look, I'm bigger on the inside and even I can't manage to hide my disappointment in you"
@@rudelwolf1591 I was thinking along the lines of "I wonder why any of you need me to carry things when they have *your* head!" but it seems you beat me to the punch(line)
"Each of your utterances is more clever than the next." "Even the consumption would spit you out." "How fortunate you are to be immune to mind flayers."
Elderberries smell good though… maybe “smelt like a bugbears armpit” or “smelt like a worg shat him out” But maybe this is a joke I’m not getting haha 🤷♀️
"If you were a spell nobody would bother to learn you." "Whoa! What diety did your parents piss off to have made you?" "I'm 'sorry' , nobody cares. Don't come back later."
Nice idea. Some of these insults would work well for a magic item I have been toying with. Arcane Index. Anyone attuned to this item can link it to books in their library and access the information remotely. Those who are not attuned who attempt to read will get the text subtly altered to cast Vicious Mockery on the reader Risk/reward if you kill the index's owner but don't attune you can still read their collection thus allowing you to look up information or transcribe spells(if you can focus through the constant attacks). If you attune the existing links are broken.
"i have neither the time nor the crayons to explain how much of a bad idea this is." "may it be a bright and sunny day, when your friends bury you." "does vicious mockery even work on you? your int is so low you probably think its a delightful complement."
"You're about as sensible as an opaque window." "I have better hand-eye coordination, and I have neither of those." "Really. You *just* now realized you needed that?" "Y'all should have a competion about who makes the worst decisions."
"If you were any more dense, you'd sink." "You make a match look as bright as the sun." "You make an orb look as sharp as the rogues daggers." "An orc has more of a brain than you" These are just a few I spitballed.
Panic Grimtongue from "The unexpectables" had some real good Vicous Mockeries. My personal favorites were "You remind me of Rapunzel, except instead of letting down you hair you let down all of your friends", and when the party was fighting a young black dragon "You know how to kill yourself to a dragon? Climb up its ego and then fall to its IQ!"
"A paladin has no conceivable use for industrial lubricant", followed by fetching wrong item. (Quote from some old internet meme list.) "You know, you could try throwing halfling instead. They will return if you bend them correctly" - when fetching throwing item or ammunition. "Scholars say magical prowess cannot be negative, but I think I found an counterexample" "Please have some gum. Or toffee candy. Anything to stop you singing!" - the bag produces a single piece of large candy. The candy will make the character speech unintelligible for couple rounds. Disappears if not used. Bonus points if you physically hand a candy to the player.
"The bar of expectations for you is so low, it's practically a tripping hazard in the ninth layer of Avernus. And yet here you are, playing limbo with Asmodeus."
It gives the victim a photoshopped picture of themselves playing limbo with asmodeus with asmodeus flipping the victim off, and the victim’s own patron saint flipping the victim off too (or the people they like the most, if not applicable)
"Get outta my sight you room temperature water bottle" before launching a water bottle at the player to hit them in the face and potentially bursting and getting them wet.
"May you one day deserve the good life." = my absolute favorite that I ever came up with, because it is *insidious* due to the fact it *sounds* like a compliment...but very much isn't. This is the kind of Vicious Mockery that will have the target dropping off the face of the planet an *hour* later, long after you've left and found yourself a very nice, public alibi...
The best infult for the Rogue is probably something like _"your parents weren't killed when you were young, nor did they abandon you. You were just so annoying that they payed a wizard to araise all the memories you have from them, so you couldn't find them..."_ or at least something along those lines
"'Ey, why you rummagin' around for a knife? Just use summadat edge you got drippin' off you, Duhhnte. You're so edgy, you deal 1d6 slashin' damage to your party's average INT score."
That is a VERY creative idea! If the players respond well to it, the Bag could become a character in its own right, giving a running commentary on the party's performance. Perhaps you could make the Bag an intelligent item with a will of its own. Whenever the player wants to draw from the bag or put something in the bag, they have to make an opposed will check. If they fail, the Bag says something sarcastic, and they have to try again. It could be a lot of fun. A possibly interesting variation would be that when the player fails their opposed will check, not only do they have to endure the Bag's commentary, but they have to come up with a snappy comeback in order to get another attempt.
"What ever you find there, it'll be useless on your buttery mitts." "Ya find whatcha lookin' for? Try not to drop it like a Kobold on deathweed this time."
"They say to save the best one for last, but you don't deserve it. Get your filthy item and begone!" "Sorry bud, not even I can hold onto your problems." "Inside you there are two wolves and you are more clueless than them." "Knowledge is power? I feel sorry for your wizard over there." "No. I'm not interested in the Bard. I'd rather be with the dragon." "Raising the dead? How about you raise yourself some common sense hmm?" "Oh my, did you even wash your hands? No, of course not. Disgusting." "Using me again? Better call a doctor because not even a crutch will save you." (If in a town): "Eek! Help get this ogre away from me!"
"I'd say a [insert race/role here (i.e. barbarian)] rolls higher [insert least used stat here(i.e. intelligence)] than you, but that'd be an insult to the dice, [insert same race/role here in plural form(i.e. barbarians)], and the DM"
"Brain the size of a planet and I'm forced to be carried by you" "This will end in tears I just know it" after failed battle/deaths "I told you this would all end in tears" "Oh joy another [insert object] we really needed [insert high number] of those"
As a bard, I usually just reskin a familiar song with appropriately insulting lyrics (which gives me something to think about while everyone else is taking their turn). Like, to the tune of Sk8r Boi: “He was a displacer beast / with a stupid face. At least / he will not be around too long. / He thought we’d be easy prey / Now he’s having a bad day / and we will make potions from his dong.”
if you roll a 100 it actually compliments you “My god I didn’t have much hope for you, but you, girl/boy/whatever the person using the bag is, have made me proud” and it heals you for like 5 If you roll a one it will damage you for 10. “How did you manage to screw thing up so badly, you are a disappointment to all dice rollers
"Give my condolences to your mother, seeing that face on the baby she birthed must've been traumatizing"
Yes
When doctor saw how ugly the baby was, the poor mother got slapped
You slew me, take my inspiration and my magic item (+1 annoying flute)
Also hits because any instance of saying "your mother" is improved with a Joe Pesci accent
@@ZacSpeaksGiant "bag of holding, what do you have for me?"
"Yo mudda"
"Your face is fit for radio and your voice is fit for silent movies"
Reminds me of Better Bachelor's opening remarks "with a face for radio and a voice for print."
@@OnlyKaeriusFace for radio, voice for letters, and handwriting for television
And your silhouette is fit for abstract art
instead of silent movies, maybe say art?
@@troysultana1491 nah, “a voice for art” sounds like you’re telling them they have good opinions about art. Instead say they have a perfectly abstract face.
“I envy those who have not had the displeasure of making your acquaintance.”
my favorite has always been "I'd tell you to go fuck yourself but I wouldn't wish that horror on even you"
but for vicious mockery a good one (technically two) is:
"You're not worth the spell slot I wasted to cast this" (followed next turn by) "Still havent figured it out yet? Its a cantrip, didnt even use a spell slot. and its *still* a waste"
*writes that down*
"I wouldn't explain it except it's clear you need help."
@@MemoristCed The original was horrific, but this is just... *chef's kiss on top*
@@MemoristCed"I wish meaning of this one was clear to you, but I know better than to expect this from you"
YES
'Ooooh, this one's sharp... sharp as a marble'
"Sharp as a sack of wet mice."
(Sharp as an ooze?)
This insult oozes Joe Pesci vibes.
😂
This.
THIS IS FAVOURITE
“Kid’s about as sharp as a bowling ball!”
Sharp as a bar of soap
"When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, a dissapointment was not supposed to be an option."
"It must be tough looking at other peoples and seeing all the ways you could have sucked less,but alas"
Nice
"Oh my, what a nasty rodent! Hold on, I have the right thing just for you" Then the character's hand get stuck in a mouse trap, 1d2 damage.
I love this
The worst part of this is someone having to roll a d2.
@@Meriliremcolloquially this is called a “coin flip”
Imagine a character reaching for a healing potion at 1 hp and getting this lolz
"I've been trapped in that chest for 3,000 years, and ten seconds with you is making me miss it."
"You look like a walking side-effect of a bad potion interaction."
Considering the statistics on potion interactions...yikes. That's a doozy~
"You are a background character in your own life."
Steven He's father: "EMOTIONAL DAMAGE!"
"You are none of your best friends' best friend" actually dealt a critical blow of that I think
Love that the comment section immediately forgot the premise of these being item based insults and just started goin for the throat
It's the internet dude, we're always ready to go at someone for any reason.
Hey it said scolding when they get out an item, never said it had to be about the items!
Staying on-premise would require attention span, and the Internet is basically the ADHD collective of the human race.
The Internet has a license to kill by verbal raconteur
But that isn't the premise? The premise was just asking for insults to sling at players every time they use the living bag. The item is the one doing the insulting, not item-based insults.
(if the player decides to trade insults with the Bag) Careful. I hear it's bad luck if you use your entire vocabulary in a single sentence.
Did you just rip a diss from Disney's "Oliver and Company" of all things? That is a heck of a deep cut lol.
@@kingofbudokai Hell of an underappreciated cut too. I loved Francis for that line as a kid. And it's not quoted often and needs to be.
"You truly are wonderful. I mean, I always wonder how the f*** you manage to look in the mirror without crying every morning"
Diabolical
"It's times like these I'm GLAD I'm not a Bag of Devourin'. Yuck."
It hands them one of those clattering teeth toys (two plastic halves of a dentist’s mouth model, that clamp down repeatedly to clack clack clack.)
I once played a kind of fantasy noir detective kind of campaign. One particularly amusing interaction happened after an inane argument in a dive bar between a NPC and my mob goon Goliath turned violent.
Halfling Bard, also my character’s best friend: “Yo yo why you trying to grease this guy?!”
My character: “HE POURS MILK FIRST, THEN THE CEREAL!”
Bard: *[immediately turns to the NPC and rolls vicious mockery]*
“Yeah, he probably wipes his ass before takin a shit, too.”
NPC: *[fucking dies]*
Holy fucking shit😂
Oh my fucking god
I like to imagine they say grease because that’s how they get treated.
Burnt to beyond perfection, then disposed of.
"With your vocal talent, I'm surprised you're a bard instead of a mime!"
"What you really need is a miracle to get out of this mess, which I have no doubts was your fault to begin with."
"You are absolutely magical. Not like wish or fire storm magical though, more like true strike or faerie fire."
Don't do Faerie fire dirty like that its great! In one specific context
"You're about as useful as Arcane Lock, my dude. No wonder nobody takes you."
@@LordOceanus Which is one more than the guy he's talking about!
@@LordOceanus Precisely. In only one context.
"i know we just met, but id wager you fudge your roles in a game that nerds play."
"You are unique in that with most people, at least their mothers think they are special"
"Your parents were the only one who didn't think you're "special" "
@@amauryleblanc7979 that is common, tbh.
I think OP wanted to (un)subtly call their players a bunch of morons who make stupid decisions
"You're clearly not the farthest-sliding penguin, are you."
"If you had brains, I'd tell you to think back to everything you ever did. Alas, here we are."
"Whatever you do, do NOT tilt your head over me. I don't want brain soup in my seams."
"Why? Just... why?"
"Look at your friends. See what they're doing? That's exactly how you ended up in this predicament."
"So were you bored and decided to ruin your own quest, or...?"
"You know, I love a sensible, level-headed owner... if only you could be like that."
"Whatever you want from me, that's not gonna help."
"Could you not? There are better ways to waste everyone's time."
"You know, even you could be the most clever one in the party. You just need to consider a solo career."
"Ah, a classic. You thought you were smarter than you actually are."
"Look, there's no two ways about this. See what you did last time? Well, you fucked up."
"I'd tell you not to do that, but you're gonna do it anyway."
"Oh, welcome! Let me guess - more bad decisions on top of your previous stupid decisions?"
"I don't know why I even care."
"You do realize I can insult you all day, right?"
"Oh thank you, but I didn't really NEED more material to ridicule you with."
"You need to keep that stupidity of yours in check - there's only so much healing supplies in the world."
"a mindflayer would go hungry if you were on the menu"
@@kiddykatand if that character isn’t exactly the *most* moral chef:
“Mind flayers would take one look at you and would feel empty stomachs.
Don’t worry, you’re not stupid, just… a disgrace in the kitchen and on the table.”
When the chef makes a bad decision:
“If that’s the best idea you could cook up, then I’d rather not taste your food, numb-nuts.
Wait, that’s the wrong language… what was it in common again… oh right! Faeces!”
“ even peasants would tell you to shower”
“ *WOW* , here I thought you had zero brain cells but it looks like you have less”
“ some would say you’re stupid, the others don’t know that you exist”
“ I’d compare your IQ to ants, but even they know how to solve problems”
“ you need to take a shower you’r attracting all the rats”
“ I swear you stinking enough that the undead pinch their noses”
“you’r the annoying NPC that no one wants to listen to… oh, no wait, NPC‘s *LOOK* nice.”
“ I thought smart parties through their trash away, so haven’t they throw you out?”
When they do something stupid *together*
“ That’s why they keep you around. They have the same IQ as you”
If the player deliberately tilts their head over the bag when he said the brain soup line "What did i just say?! Ah, no matter, i suppose i expected too much of ya. You're about as full as a broken bottle."
"The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead."
"Ah, yes, I have something that will help for this situation." *produces scroll of application for the most recent tavern's dishwasher position.
"Wow, I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder but I didn't know it was split among them."
" Even a gorgon would keep her eyes shut with you around."
"Y'know, I used to have depression. I mean, I'm a Bag of Holding, what do I got in my life? ...But, hoo! Boy, you sure helped me with that. I mean, if I have it rough, just look at you! At least I have uses!"
Fuck nat 2 on vicious mockery!
@@therwbymeta2652Good point, I should have replaced that last line with "At least people want me around!". Would've flowed a bit better.
"This guy has delusions of adequacy"
*character enters the bag of scolding* “If somebody needs *PC*… I’d be surprised”
"Look buddy, the maul is overcompensating, a dart would be more appropriate."
"Thank god I don't keep atmosphere in here, have you ever smelt yourself? Or is that thing on your face actually a fungus and not just shaped like one?"
"It wasn't until I met you that I was grateful for my extremely poor eyesight."
"Hey look, I know about your will and all and while a Viking funeral is cool I'd like to see the end of next week so can we not?"
"You know I'm actually a Bag of Devouring, but I don't want a heart attack from you mopes. Need to watch my fat intake."
that last one is brutal
“Look, buddy, I could use a good conversation, so… would you mind leaving?”
"If I wanted to cast Vicious Mockery on you, I'd hold up a mirror. Here."
And instead of what they were looking for, they get an actual mirror (if there's one in the bag)
@@fenrir6911 They get a mirror, even if it wasn't in the bag. Where did it come from? Iunno. Why is the mirror _cursed?_ Iunno.
"You are the adventurer-equivalent of a participation award."
Upon reaching into the bag:
"I don't have any boogers for you to eat."
"You should at least take me out to dinner first."
"Just take it, quickly! I can't suffer your filthy extremity any longer."
The second one is used for bards
"You need to apologize to the trees for all the oxygen you've wasted."
"You're a dollar short and a day late to the fair."
"Bout as sharp as a circle, this one."
"I'm not even sure science can make use of you."
"If someone took you, consider them your new family, cause i ain't pay for you back."
After "I'm not even sure science can use you": "Actually, science can use you... At least, as an example of natural selection once you die."
> sharp as a circle
Ah the classic Foghorn Leghorn line - "This one's about as sharp as a sack of wet mice"
@@MarkEichinso… very sharp. Those incisors are nothing to scoff at
“Whenever I’m blessed with a long period of your absence, I like to think you’re dead, and I’m always disappointed when you turn up again.”
Party, searching for a specific item- "Where is it?! We need it to save the city!"
BoS- "The gravity of this situation is astonishing. It's rivaled only by the sheer magnitude of my disinterest."
"You are, by far, the worst adventurer i've never heard of."
"Look, pal, i only have a maximum carrying capacity of 500 lbs. You need to start pulling your weight in this party."
"I have a vast amount of storage space, you'll have to rummage around a bit for that brain cell you put away in here."
"I can hold a lot, but I'm fairly certain your ego won't fit. Your competence, however..."
But you have heard of me
" why even put your things inside me? you have a perfectly good skull that has a lot of empty space in there!"
(taking out any blunt weapon) " If I were you, i'd worry that even this thing has more edge."
(if taking out a grenade or anything) " remember, count to three... oh wait, those numbers might be too high for you."
"look, I'm bigger on the inside and even I can't manage to hide my disappointment in you"
@@rudelwolf1591 I was thinking along the lines of "I wonder why any of you need me to carry things when they have *your* head!" but it seems you beat me to the punch(line)
"Aaagh, a Troll is violating me! Oh, it's you. That's even worse."
"But yeah, that's not the worst thing I ever had stuffed in me. Lookin' at you, BARD."
(I'm so sorry.)
@@MemoristCed(the Bard stuffed in 15 pristine corpses, 17 entire crime scenes, an 188+ hardcore [] magazine, and the world’s smelliest knife)
"It must be nice living with your brain. Having to consistently remember to consciously breathe must make up for most of your entertainment."
Wishing this video was an hour long, because gold.
Same
"Look at this one, brain so smooth. No wrinkles. No crinkle."
A polite insult. Don't know where I found it but I found it funny
Co-worker likes to use: "smooth and polished, no ridges or bumps, no valleys or humps."
@@carlborg8023 all ideas slide right off, like a water slide
@@This_0ne_Person Oooh, oooh, I wanna ride the water slide. Take me, take me
My Barbarian frantically jumpiing with her hand up upon hearing this.
For a Bard "If I was to make a diss track for you, it would be an encyclopaedia."
"You won't fit that thing in here, it's too small."
"Each of your utterances is more clever than the next."
"Even the consumption would spit you out."
"How fortunate you are to be immune to mind flayers."
"Even the consumption would spit you out."😍
They're all good, but that's my favourite.
One could always go for a classic, like...
"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."
your mother was a miniature giant space hamster, and you father smelt of goodberries.
Elderberries smell good though… maybe “smelt like a bugbears armpit” or “smelt like a worg shat him out”
But maybe this is a joke I’m not getting haha 🤷♀️
You silly English k-nnnnnights!
@@Drocksas You silly *Neverwinter* K-nnnnights!
Apparently it means your mother sleeps around and your father's a drunkard.
Mine is (only use this in a chill campaign)
“My mill grinds sugar and spice
Your mill grinds rats and mice”
That was an actual insult in the 1800s
"if you didn't find your dignity at the bottom of a bottle your not going to find it at the bottom of this bag"
"If you were a spell nobody would bother to learn you."
"Whoa! What diety did your parents piss off to have made you?"
"I'm 'sorry' , nobody cares. Don't come back later."
Deity
@@MurasakiTsukimaru
thank you for pointing that out.
" did you cast grease on yourself? Oh no, you look always like that? my bad."
Nice idea. Some of these insults would work well for a magic item I have been toying with.
Arcane Index. Anyone attuned to this item can link it to books in their library and access the information remotely. Those who are not attuned who attempt to read will get the text subtly altered to cast Vicious Mockery on the reader
Risk/reward if you kill the index's owner but don't attune you can still read their collection thus allowing you to look up information or transcribe spells(if you can focus through the constant attacks). If you attune the existing links are broken.
"Son, you're as sharp as a bowling ball." as one falls out of the bag on the holders foot for 1d4...
Follow up: "...and about as dense as one, too."
Not only is he not clever, but he doesn't pick up on social cues.
"i have neither the time nor the crayons to explain how much of a bad idea this is."
"may it be a bright and sunny day, when your friends bury you."
"does vicious mockery even work on you? your int is so low you probably think its a delightful complement."
*clearly inspects the pc*
"You worried 'bout succubi or lost your mirror?"
"You're about as sensible as an opaque window."
"I have better hand-eye coordination, and I have neither of those."
"Really. You *just* now realized you needed that?"
"Y'all should have a competion about who makes the worst decisions."
"Are you sure you need me? Your brain box seems plenty empty...."
“IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO UNDERESTIMATE YOU! If you’ve ever had a clever thought it DIED alone and afraid!”
"you got 2 braincells fighting for third place."
"I see you're the kinda fella who packs a bag of sand and forgets a breathmint"
"If you were any more dense, you'd sink."
"You make a match look as bright as the sun."
"You make an orb look as sharp as the rogues daggers."
"An orc has more of a brain than you"
These are just a few I spitballed.
Panic Grimtongue from "The unexpectables" had some real good Vicous Mockeries. My personal favorites were "You remind me of Rapunzel, except instead of letting down you hair you let down all of your friends", and when the party was fighting a young black dragon "You know how to kill yourself to a dragon? Climb up its ego and then fall to its IQ!"
Yeah I'm watching their first campaign again and I can always get a laugh from the series. Especially after they got God's following them around.
"A paladin has no conceivable use for industrial lubricant", followed by fetching wrong item. (Quote from some old internet meme list.)
"You know, you could try throwing halfling instead. They will return if you bend them correctly" - when fetching throwing item or ammunition.
"Scholars say magical prowess cannot be negative, but I think I found an counterexample"
"Please have some gum. Or toffee candy. Anything to stop you singing!" - the bag produces a single piece of large candy. The candy will make the character speech unintelligible for couple rounds. Disappears if not used. Bonus points if you physically hand a candy to the player.
That last one made me immediately think, "It's hard to bargle noggle zous with all these marbles in my mouth."
Once our bbeg kidnapped the town mascot which is a pig, my bard said
"The only reason you took the pig is do you have something to aspire to"
"The bar of expectations for you is so low, it's practically a tripping hazard in the ninth layer of Avernus. And yet here you are, playing limbo with Asmodeus."
It gives the victim a photoshopped picture of themselves playing limbo with asmodeus with asmodeus flipping the victim off, and the victim’s own patron saint flipping the victim off too (or the people they like the most, if not applicable)
"You know your friends only tolerate you, right?"
“If you told me you were the bastard son of a lich and a beholder, I wouldn’t bat an eye.”
“Though do us a favour and do it for me, wouldja?”
*(a comically heavy tiny baseball bat comes out of the bag)*
“Wisdom hath chased you all your life, yet you’ve always been faster”
"I envy everyone you've never met."
"I hope that you lose weight so that there will be less of you."
"If intelligence was a contest and beauty was a crime, you'd be in last place... but at least you'd be free."
I'm stealing the "paragon of mediocrity" line for my bard
If you actually write a couple of lines of lyrics...
"You're a shining paragon
Of mediocrity ..."
(just to help you get started)
"Your parents must change the subject whenever your name comes up in conversation."
"I heard the last beholder blinded itself when it saw ya coming."
"You could be encased in gold and jewels and a dragon still wouldn't want ya."
"You possess the intelligence of a rock; and the charm of a SLIGHTLY better looking rock"
And that's insulting rocks.
My character, a literal rock: Captain obvious, I still have a higher INT score than you.
“You have the determination and the iron will of a paper towel!” Is one that I have been wanting to use
“Too easy.” Even better if they have been insulted already. Or even if it’s a new owner and they have seen the insults being hurled at the others.
"Get outta my sight you room temperature water bottle" before launching a water bottle at the player to hit them in the face and potentially bursting and getting them wet.
"Roll a dex save"
@@jacktaylor6253let's hope I roll high
*Rolls*
I got a 10... What does that mean?
@@Juliethefurball water bottle dies 1d4 off your head, but you get no water on you
If the ranger or another long-range class misses a really easy shot: "I'd say your aim is cancer, but cancer actually kills people"
“Oof, _someone_ rolled badly on their abilities… hm? You say you used point-buy? Well, that explains why intelligence is your *dump stat…”*
My personal go tos, “You make me wish my immune system knew my eyes existed.”
Or
“You look like you’d plead insanity to tax evasion”
"May you one day deserve the good life." = my absolute favorite that I ever came up with, because it is *insidious* due to the fact it *sounds* like a compliment...but very much isn't. This is the kind of Vicious Mockery that will have the target dropping off the face of the planet an *hour* later, long after you've left and found yourself a very nice, public alibi...
"You look like a reverse centaur"
Reminds me of my favourite past time of reading the volumes of books of insults from famous people in history.
if brains were riches you be a beggar or
if being good looking was a crime you would be an upstanding citizen
If looks could kill, yours would raise the dead.
„The world is a bowl of soup and you’re a fork in it“
It’s not super insulting but it’s stylish and poetic
"That doesn't really insult _me_ though, does it? What idiot places a fork into a bowl of soup?"
@ well of course, why do you think your mother was screaming when giving birth to you? She realized what she was doing.
"Your father wishes he wasn't."
"my condolences to you for that unfortunate curse you have. What? That's your natural look?"
The best infult for the Rogue is probably something like _"your parents weren't killed when you were young, nor did they abandon you. You were just so annoying that they payed a wizard to araise all the memories you have from them, so you couldn't find them..."_ or at least something along those lines
"'Ey, why you rummagin' around for a knife? Just use summadat edge you got drippin' off you, Duhhnte. You're so edgy, you deal 1d6 slashin' damage to your party's average INT score."
A Bag Of Holding that casts Vicious Mockery whenever it’s used is HILARIOUS!
That is a VERY creative idea! If the players respond well to it, the Bag could become a character in its own right, giving a running commentary on the party's performance. Perhaps you could make the Bag an intelligent item with a will of its own. Whenever the player wants to draw from the bag or put something in the bag, they have to make an opposed will check. If they fail, the Bag says something sarcastic, and they have to try again. It could be a lot of fun.
A possibly interesting variation would be that when the player fails their opposed will check, not only do they have to endure the Bag's commentary, but they have to come up with a snappy comeback in order to get another attempt.
"What ever you find there, it'll be useless on your buttery mitts."
"Ya find whatcha lookin' for? Try not to drop it like a Kobold on deathweed this time."
From Panic Grimtongue of the Unexpectables: "Do you know how to kill yourself with a dragon? You climb its ego, then fall to its IQ."
Oh God I remember that. He had some real zingers.
"You got two brain cells left, and they're both fighting for 3rd place."
"I'd ask what's wrong with you, but I think it would be faster to ask what isn’t."
"They say to save the best one for last, but you don't deserve it. Get your filthy item and begone!"
"Sorry bud, not even I can hold onto your problems."
"Inside you there are two wolves and you are more clueless than them."
"Knowledge is power? I feel sorry for your wizard over there."
"No. I'm not interested in the Bard. I'd rather be with the dragon."
"Raising the dead? How about you raise yourself some common sense hmm?"
"Oh my, did you even wash your hands? No, of course not. Disgusting."
"Using me again? Better call a doctor because not even a crutch will save you."
(If in a town):
"Eek! Help get this ogre away from me!"
GREAT SWORD? nah you're not over compensating.
"I'd say a [insert race/role here (i.e. barbarian)] rolls higher [insert least used stat here(i.e. intelligence)] than you, but that'd be an insult to the dice, [insert same race/role here in plural form(i.e. barbarians)], and the DM"
I need to remember some of these
In my head, combining Tongues with Vicious Mockery let's everyone in the room understand the insult.
Yesssss 😏
"I'd say get better, but it's you, I shouldn't expect the impossible."
You could try something old school like “Who chewed you up and spat you back out again?”
"You're none of your best friends' best friend"
Thanks, didn't feel like sleeping tonight anyway
"Boy, do I miss that time a few seconds ago when I had no idea who you were..."
"Brain the size of a planet and I'm forced to be carried by you" "This will end in tears I just know it" after failed battle/deaths "I told you this would all end in tears" "Oh joy another [insert object] we really needed [insert high number] of those"
As a bard, I usually just reskin a familiar song with appropriately insulting lyrics (which gives me something to think about while everyone else is taking their turn). Like, to the tune of Sk8r Boi: “He was a displacer beast / with a stupid face. At least / he will not be around too long. / He thought we’d be easy prey / Now he’s having a bad day / and we will make potions from his dong.”
*WHAT CAN I SAY, EXCEPT, YOU'RE WORTHLESS! You don't even deserve this insult.*
"If I looked like you, I'd overdose on invisibility potions."
if you roll a 100 it actually compliments you
“My god I didn’t have much hope for you, but you, girl/boy/whatever the person using the bag is, have made me proud” and it heals you for like 5
If you roll a one it will damage you for 10.
“How did you manage to screw thing up so badly, you are a disappointment to all dice rollers