The Effect of the Silent Treatment on Children.
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- Опубликовано: 30 янв 2022
- Some parents believe the silent treatment is an effective way of disciplining their children, while others use the silent treatment because it was used on them as a child. The silent treatment when used with children can make them feel small and intimidated. Both children and adults feel a fear of rejection when the silent treatment is used against them. Often children will do anything they can to avoid having their parents use the silent treatment on them. It is important to consider how the silent treatment causes children to feel, what it does to them emotionally, and the long-term effects it may have on them as adults.
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When my mother would give me the silent treatment to punish me it made me feel abandoned and unloved. I would beg her to talk to me but she would turn away and stay silent. I think it is one of the cruelest punishments for a child. Emotionally abusive.
And it's usually from a narcissistic mother. I experienced the very same and it had affected my relationships with my husbands and boyfriends in that I felt that if we couldn't solve an argument right away and I didn't stay in their company to do so that they would never come back and talk to me and possibly abandon me. However through counseling I realized everyone needs their space and I need to allow that as a cooling-off period.
It is abuse. You are completely correct about this being abuse. I am sad you had to deal with this with your mother. Good to hear from you.
My mom . She broke me so many times. She stopped talking to continuous four or five days. All the time in school I kept dreading the fear that my classmates don’t know hod bad person I am whose mommy doesn’t talk to her. How insignificant is my existence in this world.
I was adopted age 5 by a narcissistic mother. I had 3 siblings. They made me one of the black sheep. When I was age 10 I upset my mother and she told all the kids no one could talk to me until she said so. This went on for days. Even at dinner time they ignored me. She made me to feel I didn't exist. When it ended she made me apologize and say I wouldn't do whatever it was that upset her ever again.
Ha, my husband stopped talking to my son for TWO WHOLE MONTHS, and top it off with him waging psychological warfare on my boy…staying in his room until 1 am on the computer….becasue my son was not allowed his own room…it was my husbands office and he played video games LOUDLY at all hours to punish my kid without speaking a word to him. My son who is an adult, packed his things and told me he is never returning home….I am heart broken and my son wants me to leave my husband but also fears my husband (who is a 30 year active service soldier) will kill me if I do leave and make it look like an accident
This just explains why I keep avoiding ANY conflicts or confrontations and why I am a people pleaser. Oh yes and no boundaries of course
Really insightful- explains my upbringing and adult behavior relationships well.... I recall avidly my father giving me the silent treatment after I accidentally broke a window...was like I was a bad person and wasn't worthy of his attention... I had no clue what was going on, but felt terrible shame...
This is so cruel. My father has done this to me since I can remember, still do. As a child I HATED that horrible sinking feeling when I first notice I'm being ignored, and I would obsess and constantly think about it the whole day at school, and DREAD going home, especially the silent car ride home. What was also awful is the split second after waking up fine and then the reminder floods in and you know it's going to be another awful day. It doesn't bother me too much anymore, because I have done a lot of healing, and I am contemplating of honouring his wish this week and subtilty go limited contact with him. I feel I am truly done with his disrespect and years of emotional abuse.
Thank you for this. Some introspection has caused me to realize I do the shut down thing when I'm upset. My mom does it (the root of it). This shut down dismissive attitude. Then, my ex husband (key word ex) whom I later understood exhibited some very narcissistic qualities... did the shut down silent treatment to me a LOT. So I'm now to check myself to NOT do that to my two daughters when they anger me or behave in a way I don't like.... thank you for this video. It makes me look within and really regret me ever doing that to my daughters. Especially the "challenging" one.....
Hi Ashley, I posted a lengthy comment to your video but not sure that you received it. My sister and I have been on the receiving end of the silent treatment since we were children. These episodes would sometimes go on for weeks or even months, including banishing us to our bedroom for (sometimes) weeks on end. Neither my sister or I ever approached her regarding this behavior, I think, due to the “intimidation factor”.
My sister and I are now adults in our early 60’s and we are STILL receiving this behavior from our mother. I remember my sister saying on @least 2 occasions that she would “rather have been beaten than given the silent treatment”. Now, my sister is NOT the dramatic type, so I think these were pretty strong feelings coming from my sister.
The latest episode of the silent treatment from my mother has lasted for 6 months. Unfortunately I am far too intimidated to attempt to discuss this with her face to face. My therapist gave me your name and asked me to view both of your video’s regarding this subject, not only as a child, but now as an adult. He asked that after I viewed your videos that I send them, via e-mail to my mom so that she will (hopefully) view them. I sent them to her 1 week ago and have (no surprise here folks) received any kind of response from her.
I have learned much from your 2 videos regarding this subject, and now understand where the “intimidation factor” comes in on my part. And my sister has become the super-codependent type of person, attempting to do anything and everything to keep mom happy, to avoid being the next victim of this behavior. Neither one of us has EVER had the guts to try to approach her about what mom has been doing to use since childhood as well as continuing to do to us now. Thank you for opening my eyes. I sent your videos to my sister so that , she too can view them. Thank you for your time and knowledge Ashley!
Yeh, I'm triggered by the silent treatment. My mother just stopped acknowledging me if I didn't do what she wanted me to do. Or if I tried to discuss something. And yeh, she thinks that that's BETTER than ''screaming and shouting''. Ie, there is one perspective. Hers. So there is no point ''screaming and shouting'' as her view is the correct view.
Growing up, I shout when explaining my feelings bc I'm used to receiving silent treatment. My mom never listened to me unless what I'm saying is something she agrees on so I explode with the eagerness to be heard.
Yes. My grandmother used to say- I see everyone, even the wild animals. I can't see you. I can't hear you. Who in their right mind does that to a kid?
My mom used to make me cry and beg for hours in order for her to reveal the reason she was upset with me.
When in one of her borderline states, my mother would force me to go places with her but then give me the silent treatment the whole time. I'd have to follow her around from place to store to wherever. But I was ignored. Just following her, back in the car, following her someplace else. Like an object, she had to have me with her. But like an object, I had no needs. Then back alone in my room in that house. I now known this was another form of abuse in addition to her out of control abusive rages.
Is it possible that kids who grew up with silent treatment are sensitive to rejection? Or scared to reach out ?? (Not to the person who gave them silent treatment but in other relationships)
I did everything almost to perfection but if my mother didn’t deem it perfect enough… she’d give me the silent treatment for days… until… she needed me again!! And it would start all over! Horrible horrible abuse!!! I’m not sure I can heal this. I have tried but now in my 70’s I don’t have hope!
I am writing as a 42 year old man was verbally abused and often received the silent treatment. I also have had psychiatric difficulties all my life and take copious amounts of medicine, therapy once a week. I did have a better stretch when I wasn't living with my Dad who I honestly think loves me but his childhood was so traumatic that he has no idea how to deal with my anger towards an emotional reaction. This just happened today, I'm re-living my childhood a bit and it's traumatizing but at the same time I am kind of dependent as I pay rent for a room from him. My reaction to his reaction was anger with anger even at 42 an adult child of an alcoholic. I live in fear alot already financially obviously, but this video was very kind and straightforward, I now want to work in therapy on it more as it has become my way of dealing with things I always feel the one to blame or shame. And that's what I get even to this day from the outside world.... I will say I have schizoaffective disorder to deal with on top of all the underlying stuff. Been to AA, SA, SAA, Adult children of Alcoholic, massive amounts of therapy. While it sucks it's still happening at least I have a therapist I can deal with this for. Ii appreciate the video, even if it isn't going to solve all the issues, magic bullet? :)
Good video I’m the adult tryn figure out why I was goin thru this. This informed me on everything I needed to know. Thanks for sharing!
Glad I could help.Thank you for reaching out!
My parent used to give me the silent treatment for days for bad grades or messing up. Not even reacting when I got hurt or cried. She later told me she did that so she wouldn't yell at me or hurt me but I rather had her hurt me then ignore me
I've just come across your channel. You have really helped me. Thank you.
Thank you for reaching out to me, great to hear from you.
FIRST ONE 🤞🏻 Thank you so much for the style of video, I feel like I can really go back to my roots and find what the fuck went wrong.
You're welcome! When we go back to our childhood, we can begin to see things even more clearly. Thank you for reaching out to me.
Good video.
New subscriber here;
It explains so much of my experiences and personality. in my family it was my mother giving the silent treatment to my father for weeks at the time after an argument. eventually they ended up in divorce. question. how do you work on fixing the damage?
In my case it was a lot worse than not having mom and dad talk to me. I was adopted when I was 5 years old along with my 9 year old brother. They had 2 girls too. My grandmother lived in the house too. When I was around age 10 I did something my mother didn't like. She said none of the other children could talk to me until she said they could and if they did they would get in trouble. For days no one talked to me even when we had dinner. They made me feel that I didn't exist. When I finally broke my mother made me apologize and say I would never do whatever it was that upset her again. She's a overt narcissist and I'm no contact with her now.
I'm soo proud of you 👏😊 hope you're doing better 💓
Bro what everyone says days or weeks for there time of silent treatment. I got YEARS. It started with me stealing some gold coins from him when I was 8. Man didn't talk to me for 2 years. Literally. I apologized many times and it never changed anything. This cycle went on until he left our lives completely. It would be something different he was mad at me about but it was simply just silence. Really fucked me up.
Yes ,, I have been given a silent treatment from my mother ,, she was thinking it's the best way for publishing and she also was telling me most of the time what I did wrong ,, but if I don't really fix what I did this silent treatment could last for weeks ,, and when I say silent treatment I mean being ignored from the whole house as I don't exist ,, yes i was wrong ,, but here what I became ,, I have deep anxiety and I was so SOOO aggressive with everyone literally and for no reason I had anger issues and I was fighting and bitting kids in school latter , and I had no idea about social skills or how to deal with people so I Didn't have friends for a long time and kids was seeing me as not a human ,, I was so rude though ,,, and my relationship with my parents was ruined and could never see them as parents or some person that I love or feel any good feelings towards or even feel safe with ,, even though they give me everything good and treat me good and give me a kind of emotions,, yes i know they are perfect and anyone would want them ,, I know I was always the problem ,, later on I have had overthinking issues and I was preferring to stay alone for long times ,, I also hated my personality and pretended to fake personalities all the time for a long time ,, most of the time I didn't have emotions and my family was calling me the wooden face ,, especially my mother ,, It was and still rare for me to laugh , cry , feel sorry , feel love , feel happily anxious ,,,,, I hated my feelings and hated that I had feelings and didn't feel ok to have feelings especially crying,, I was feeling super pain in the middle of my chest from forcing myself to not cry and I was treating myself as I'm not a human somehow without knowing this ,, like , I was expecting from me so so high achievements and also feel pathetic if making mistakes or have emotions " like normal humans " , also my whole life I felt that I was the worst ,, my parents and everyone was treating me good , I didn't know that silent treatment was something bad ,, so I thought I should be so thankful for them and for having such a good life and feel happy and be smart and have a good personality and love my parents,, but I Didn't have this feelings , , instead I was repeatedly making mistakes that ruins the happiness of my parents and the whole house atmosphere,, I was the problem and I was feeling pain that I shouldn't feel so I thought million times to suicide,,, even when I was still a kid I was hurting myself physically and emotionally ,, and i hated everything about me I felt that I was a disgusting creature that doesn't even deserve a life and I blamed myself on everything,, my parents were still disappointed at me BC I was still doing the same mistakes and I tried to make them happy by doing a lot and a lot of other things but they just wanted me to do that one thing ,, yes i know they wanted the best for me but I'm off I'm tired of trying to make them happy I don't give a shit on them now and if I saw them die Infront of me I would even less emotions than if they were random people ,, i didn't know a lot of things that was harmful from parents to do , including silent treatment that I first heard of now when I'm 16 ,, but all I know that everything said that I have perfect parents and that I'm so bad for not being good for them , but I don't care anymore,, if someone see me the worst on this planet then see me so I don't care changing this you see what you want to see I will always be bad in your eyes or not enough however if I'm bad or not I don't care anymore,,, and i know how painful it was for my heart when crying on my knees for her while she pretended that I didn't even exist,, thanks for everything,, I don't anything from anyone and I don't expect anything from anyone I just want to leave them and leave everyone BC I cause problems for them and make them feel bad ,, one day I will leave this house and never come back but I will give them all the money that they wasted on me and more ,,
Don't give back money to your parents, Use it to get independent. Have you looked in to self-compassion? It could be described as re-parenting. You have to be determined to stand in your own corner and see the good in yourself. It has really helped me. Kirsten Neff phd and Chris Germer phd have a really good work book, I did the exercises, one chapter a week, took it slowly so I could give it what it needed. Very helpful. x
My mom gives me silent treatment when she doesn't like what I do or say. And the last time we argued, she told me I'll never be a professional if it's not for her. And she even told me I'm never of help. But truth is, when I was younger, I was always the one who ran errands for her and help around the house. When I got a job, I always give money. Noe,w, I feel like everything I did was invalidated.
My father and I spoke every week and then Oct 3rd was the last time he called me. I’m not allowed to call him. I wished him a Happy New Year. He saw it but no response, no reason. What does one do?
My son did this about 2 years ago. What I did was live my life to the fullest. I refuse to lay down and die because he won't talk to me. I was so busy living, I didn't even know he had blocked me. Lol. He discovered it himself when he was trying to reach out to me recently.
@@lc4972 good for you
if I were you, I would pretend as if nothing happened. I would live my life to the full but send him happy new year card or birthday card with my contact details just in case he died, people would contact you if there was any inheritance. Pretend you are thinking of him but dont even think about him one minute.
@LC that doesn't make sense? He realized he had blocked you only when he decided to reach out to you? I could be wrong but im getting a strange vibe from your comment. Maybe you should have reached out to your so.
Children might think they don't exist when they are toddlers.
I've locked myself in my moms office because she won't talk to me, it's been 2 hours and still waiting for her to talk to me
I had the silent treatment for a FULL year😂😂 whilst living with the person, and I mean the FULL year
A full year...Oh my...That is horrible. Are you still living with this person? Good to hear from you.
@@LifecoachAshleyBerges hiya hun, this was with my parents and I've moved out and completely limited my contact with them x
I am sorry you had to deal with this from anyone especially family. It is good you have little contact-creating boundaries and living separately from them. Good to hear from you. How is your day?@@ammarahqamar1112
❤
Good to hear from you.