I don't agree that only physical abuse is a reason to leave a relationship. Emotional abuse or being in relationship with an addict who has no interest in recovery or looking at their issues is a good enough reason to move on.
she should have said hang in there until u become a non person because thats what happens when ur emotionally abused. I.m out of it now but suffered 28 yrs. lost my identity
You are taking a very immature stance. If you listened carefully the good Doctor is encouraging a mature stance, where BOTH individuals have to be in a willing participants with a like mindedness to be the solution and not the problem. EVERY relationship will have it's challenges, so if there is enough will and desire, they probably can make the existing union work! Addicts can find rehabilitation, what better way than to go at it together.
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Watch what he does in response to whenever you do something healthy for yourself. If he tries to discourage you from loving yourself, taking loving actions, such as exercising, for example, if you begin to meditate and pray and discover that this make you feel happy, joyful, and healthy, then he tells you that you should stop your spiritual path and instead you should put all of your focus onto him- even though you're already spending all day with him- then you know that he is jealous of your growth and is just trying to control you and pull you down to his level. And you know that you wont be able to accomplish any growth if he keeps pulling you down, trying to stop you from becoming a healthy person.
I know my needs and I know how to compassionately express them. I don't blame him for not meeting my needs. He was a lesson I needed to learn. I love me, so I'm leaving.
I tried to live my own life and make my own happiness despite his immaturity and poor spending habits, but he put me down for doing what I love. I'm starting to have neck pain from crying and being on edge every day. This is insanity.
Does anyone else find it odd that people never say what they contributed (negatively) to the relationship? They just blame the other person for everything and pump themselves up over how much they did for that person. Weird
If I didn't already love myself, I'd not be contemplating leaving. I deserve to be loved back and be able to be appreciated for giving my love to someone.
When the other person is unwilling to compromise and only cares about winning an argument to get their own way with no regards for how it makes you feel, then there really isn't a relationship. I think at that point it's time to leave.
I always suggest that before leaving you take your eyes off the other person and become aware of your own end of the system. You might want to take our free Inner Bonding course at www.innerbonding.com/welcome.
+Margaret Paul Thank you for your kind and well intended suggestion, but I think in this case I did the right thing. I have had time to self reflect, and I am so much more happy now. It's as though a lead weight has been lifted from my shoulders! When I wake up in a good mood, I go to sleep in a good mood.
That's great, but I still encourage you to do your own inner work. Without healing your end of the system, you will likely repeat whatever you were doing in your next relationship.
No one has to stay. If you want to leave, then leave. But when learning has a high priority, then staying can lead to much learning about how you might be creating your own unhappiness. Most people who leave without doing their inner learning and healing create a similar unhappy relationship next time around. We take our dysfunctional ways of relating with us until we learn what we are doing and do our inner healing work.
For now, or always? I found humor in your remark and could relate. It is a lot of work to relate at times, but also deep rewards happen. My own contemplative nature loves weeks of silence, and solitude. My passionate nature also loves relating deeply. Both are wonderful. Feeling alone in relationship: Time for a change! Remember, you can't 'escape' relationship...even when alone you are always 'married' to yourself, so hope that you are attending well to that relationship!
Melissa Duffy Saying that I'll be alone forever is perhaps a naive statement and very unrealistic. Though, there have been and are times that being with someone never pans out the way I hope for. In a video you defined two types of love: one being more of an exterior love and the other focusing more on the nature of the intrinsic value of the individuals. It seems that I end up with an exterior love and resulting in a lack of appreciation in time for one another; all owed to simply getting bored or tired of the person's exterior. Recently, I got out of a relationship because we both noticed that she no longer loved my nature and had become quick to annoy. I will be the first to admit, the situation between us was complicated and despite having our own relational issues, would not have panned out due to environmental complications. You mention that you love silence and solitude, which makes us very similar. I have always enjoyed this about myself and find myself unable to change. When alone, everything is more simple, productive and I find myself only to have myself to blame or praise. I can't be certain if this could be the cause of my failed relationships, not giving enough attention or affection to whoever I am with. Though, I can say that in my last relationship it caused friction in the end, despite the fact that it was what attracted her to me in the beginning. In the end, I believe that my frustrations stem from those around me. I am 24 and unable to find "love" and with it the happiness that seems to be all around me. However, I believe this to be mostly owed to me no longer being religious and unable to view love as I once did. I take it all very seriously, because the idea of being with someone for the rest of your existence seems like something that deserves contemplation and some certainty. From which I have yet to experience, forcing me believe that being alone is more simple and more realistic than searching for a person to love the "real" you. Thank you for your response, I like your videos.
I think I am getting to that point I don't feel loved at all byw him no more and. I no it ipqs his own issues. He has trouble with. And because. He is hurting he wants us to hurt
My partner's porn addiction continously affects my self worth. So I've decided to leave. I know it's in part me for my lack of self confidence. However, the thought of dealing with his distorted view of women (which he mainly sees as sex objects if he finds them attractive) makes me sick.
Princygirl18 hi. I'm currently suffering through this. My self esteem is now in the basement for this very reason. please share how you are doing now with your life. This is torture. 7 years. If you could email me that would be great. Let me know. Thanks
DIY Janea Hi DIY Janea Sorry to hear you are going through this. I actually walked away from that relationship two years ago. I feel at peace with my decision. I have a child with him so we still communicate. He has dated several women and moved in with another. I believe there may be a new one now. At first it was difficult but now I'm at peace and wish him the best. If you can find peace 'within' the relationship somehow then you both can work through it.
Gloria Viannela thank you. We also have a child together. My son is the biggest reason I stay. Sometimes I'm like why stay with someone who chooses porn over you? I just feel lost
DIY Janea It will ultimately be up to you. My son is three years old now. Being a single parent is hard at times. Specially childcare to be able to work. The Serenity Prayer can be helpful during the worst of times. If you can truly give the situation to God and place more focus on the positives of your union then you can see where time takes you. I've definitely have had to work on myself also like this video says. I do believe my relationship was a karmic one. It was so painful.
How wonderful! This is exactly where I'm at in my marriage, and it's a case of "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear." You are a rock star, Margaret Paul!
Thank you Margaret! this is so true, I've found myself quiting relationships and taking the "easy" path over and over again, even in my marriage... Now I'm in a transformational relationship, it's a new self-discovery adventure, specially because our partnership is a great field to learn about ourselves. And whenever Im feeling like running away, he's already warned to please hang in there and stay put... cause once you find your true self you will always want to share that happiness with your loved one. Much love !
The problem is that people generally treat us the way we treat ourselves. Leaving doesn't solve this, since we take ourselves with us. She needs to learn to treat herself lovingly, and then if her partner is still treating her badly, it is time to leave. I've worked with couples for 44 years and I can tell you that people repeat the same mistakes over and over until they do their inner work.
Why is it so difficult to be just simply honest with ourselves? Fears of rejection. Fears of engulfment. Expecting from others (worse yet - forcing others) to meet our own needs. At least when maturity comes we should first acknowledge, then understand, then work on the techniques, then work again and again and again.
I found this video to be very impressive! Taking responsibility for oneself in the relationship, caring for self, not blaming, not withdrawing, stopping caretaking, and developing one's own potential and health as a means of improving relationship and bringing deeper intimacy...so true! As a 'child counselor' I grew up witnessing and intervening in perpetually unresolved conflicts with my 'role models' of partnership. As an adult I became a professional counselor for years and studied relationships deeply both in my work and in my personal life. I've witnessed the 'long term' outcome of a couple staying together who intensely disliked one another, both feeling 'victimized' and both actually victimizing. I've witnessed the hilarity of how dementia actually helped this couple's 'forget' their antipathy. Thanks for sharing this wisdom so freely!
My wife I think wants to leave me but I do not think she is 100% about leaving. I have ignored her for awhile because my back has been bad and I have been helping take care of my dad who is slowly dying from heart failure. I have been taking pain pills for quite awhile and it has put me in a fog. I do not want to lose her I love her very much but I want her to be happy and if she is not happy with me then I will let her go. I have been very faithful and have never laid a hand on her! Thank you for the video it has helped me tremendously!
They can pretend to be wonderful people the whole time you are dating them. Once married, your in for the rollercoaster of Hell. Some people marry for other reasons than love. I got this person who used me and then was a creep. You cannot tell always if a person is bad news until you are married to them. Even living together they will fake it. I'm in a fake marriage and getting out.
Interesting! Just found you today while searching for information on emotional dependency. I'm looking forward to completing your 7 day course and then going from there. :)
+Margaret Paul Thank you! I printed the course booklet yesterday and started reading it last night. I told my prayer partner about you and your website this morning and I'm telling my trainer today. :)
Thanks Margaret! I am in a relationship with a wonderful man right now and this really helped! I have watched a lot of your videos and they helped me see that I need to pay attention to what's going on inside me. Thanks again!
The element that is surprisingly not addressed here is critical: should the relationship have ever been entered into to begin with? In my 40 years of experience I have become convinced that human beings are quite good at getting an impressionistic view of the future but absolutely SUCK at knonwing how they will feel in that future. For instance, let's say a devout Catholic marries an atheist. He or she believes they can work around this in the future but when that future arrives what seemed a manageable problem is not. There are innumerable variations on this theme.
Great video.Really explains the process of what I'm going through.My fiance being the one who constantly needs to feel loved, wanted, needed. He does this by providing everything he can to me finacialy, in the long run it has stripped me of my independence.Which I gave up freely, cause it made the relationship run smooth & him happy. Now I am having issues, feeling smothered, controlled, lacking my independance.Now that Im trying to obtain it back,to be happy. he is upset, & confused.I wanna run
Great Great advice for THOSE people who REALLY listened to this video. This is how an ADULT deals with relationships issues. For all of you that are in a relationship with a Narcissist ask yourself WHY your unconscious attracted a "Narcissist" in your life.... You are not a victim, and earlier you understand that earlier you'll be able to grow emotionally and be satisfied in your relationships.
Okay so stay in a relationship if even there is screaming and name calling? Wouldn't that be emotional abuse, or some emotional damage someone is putting up with? Why should they still stay in? Maybe to many sensitive people now a days?
Relationships are full of challenges because you're meant to suffer first before you get the upper hand and only few people can survive it. It's very difficult to hold on to a relationship where both of you are not happy anymore, so it's better to separate ways than be together having a life like hell.
Basically this sounds like growing apart and just doing your own thing. This doesn't account for finances that are combined and one partner bringing that down. Also, I didn't get married to do stuff by myself all the time and for myself all the time. I agree we may never resolve our issues, but this method is a great way for 2 people to completely grow apart under one roof.
There is some good reason your partner is not available or desiring you. Opening to learning with your partner about what is going on between you might lead to some important information.
I learned a lot from your video. I have been with someone for 4 years. I am torn because he wants to move in together, but complains when I want to see him more than once a week. I know he isn't cheating, but he just always wants to be home with his mom (they live together), and he never seems to be there for me the way that I need. I am so happy, have a great job, a wonderful son, and overall a really great life. And he is my best friend. I just feel like so much of the time we are more platonic than romantic. I tried to be the example of what I would like from him, I give him support, am affectionate, and make him feel cared about. But he still refuses to hug or kiss me (EVER...it's been years), tells me to hang out with my friends more (I have no issues with him seeing his friends as often as he wants), and to stop being needy, when I ask for affection in return. When I get sick, he avoids me stating it's because he doesn't handle illness well, and when I get stranded because of my old car, he tells me to call my family for help instead. Later he apologizes, but it keeps repeating. I love him and want to feel that he appreciates me...that I am important to him. I usually feel like one of the guys. Is it time to walk away or do I keep trying to make it work?
+jennifer garcia You need to accept that you get what you see, which means that he is unlikely to change. It sounds like you can keep him as a friend, but look elsewhere for a partner.
you're amazing!! i'm still stuck on a guy who left 3 years ago, thing is, he left, broke up by text, i never was able to sit in front of him. He never gave me that chance, he just moved on...it's done a lot to my self-esteem
I suggest that everyone learn Inner Bonding, whether or not you are in a relationship. It is a process that teaches you how to take loving care of yourself do you can share your love with others.
This is true if you don't heal these relationship issues and then decide to move on to another relationship, same issues are gonna come up. But if you're leaving to be alone and are tired and hurt then I would just leave and be alone to heal.
Oh I'm glad they're all over but I have learned through recovery and other schools of thought to start working on the inner bonding. There are dangerous types out there and I don't want part of that anymore. Never Say Never to new opportunities but the problem lies with me. I just kept attracting the same inner darkness. Family of origin and start reparenting that's where I'm at
Best advice I've come across on the net so far. I'm a bit concerned about the only qualification being physical violence because there is emotional violence to be concerned about too. But all and all this is a brilliant message that if more people heeded we'd have a lot more truly happy relationships. If you expect a person to fulfill you ...your probably headed for disappointment. We need to learn to take responsibility for this ourselves.
Thanks for your kind words. Emotional violence is certainly of concern, and if the partner at the other end of it does their inner work and the emotional violence continues, then they will no longer tolerate it and will leave. But leaving before understanding and changing their end of the system may result in creating the same abusive system again.
Margaret Paul Sometimes physically leaving and going to another location for a short time, a long time or forever is necessary for a person to 'do their inner work' and be able to develop more self-awareness, compassion and acceptance of 'their part' in the situation as well as for their partner..
Melissa Duffy My experience is that when people do their inner work outside of the challenging system, they don't necessarily deal with their end of the system because the system isn't operating when they are out of the relationship. Time and again, I've seen people who did their inner work on their own, only to find themselves right back in the same system when they again enter a relationship. Loving oneself when alone is totally different than loving oneself within a relationship. However, that said, I agree with you under some circumstances. Sometimes the system is too deeply entrenched and people need to separate to do their inner work.
great advice, i waited for 12 years after discovering how to make myself happy, that also did not help my ex wife who did not appreciate me being happy, that's when i knew it was time for me to leave. i now leave a stress free life without guilt of leaving too soon.
But if you are filled with anger from having to live with a man, this isn't a healthy environment to live in and to try to find a mental and emotional clear space, to work on yourself and to get better and to recover. If everyday you are triggered by something he does, and if he seems to be emotionally not invested and emotionally abandoning, in all aspects of life, whenever you have needed him to be there for you, then even if you have your own issues of care taking, compliance, and giving yourself up, you won't be able to recover if you stay in that sort of emotionally toxic environment. In many cases it's an issue of not knowing how to set emotional boundaries on your partner, so that you have to absorb his toxicity. People who are compliant and care taking, generally have issues with setting emotional and physical boundaries. So to say that they need to stay with the man, in order to work on themselves, could result in an ever- increasing "imprisoned cycle", of trying hard to work on oneself, yet NOT getting anywhere! In that case, you need to relieve yourself and get yourself free. Otherwise you are stuck with a man who keeps treating you as 'less than' and does things to lower your self-esteem, like some kind of 'power-play'. And, recovery and self-awareness about one's relationship issues requires supportive people and support groups. If you try to recover on your own, you will probably fail.
I have always been hesitant of seeking counsel in things like these.I have been in a relationship for 1.5 years and times are that I think about the first time alot now."why arent my needs met" "Does she not understand me?" "Maybe we have compatibility issues " Your video gave me great insight and lightened up my day.Thankyou :)
This was the perfect time for me to see this. I am doing the inner bonding process, which follows many years of therapy. Next week, the 18th, my husband and I celebrate 10 years of marriage and it's been hard. It's easy to want to leave. He's done his own work and open to doing inner bonding. Everytime I want to push him to do it I have remind myself to focus on the work I need to do for me. I think I'm gonna stay for a while. As a friend once said, relationships are a playground for issues.
Actually, no. That's not the issue. I suggest you read about people with aspergers in relationships with neuro typical people. I'm very happy with myself, he is void of affection, and connection. What this means is that if I love myself I can't possibly be lonely with this, and if I'm not happy I should not leave... How would I take his aspergers into the next relationship? That makes no sense. Please learn about aspergers, and then try again. Thanks
I work with many people who are in relationship with someone with aspergers, as well as with people with aspergers. I know a lot about it. If you want to leave, then leave. But if you want to stay, then I suggest you learn Inner Bonding. Everyone is lonely at times in relationships, but being in hell and feeling alone inside is coming from inside you. In a next rel, you would take your end of the system. We all have our end of a system.
I am doing some research for my undergraduate Social Psychology exam, and came across this. I found it very interesting to listen to, with interesting views. One question I have to ask though (which may have previously been already asked) is: What happens if the choice is taken out of your hands? What if the other person has already made that decision? This could cause all sorts of problems, I imagine? Especially if you are aiming for inner peace. Anyway, thank you for the upload! Dan
Dan, you still always have the choice regarding how you respond to the other person's decision. Inner peace is not determined by others - it's determined by how you treat yourself. You might want to take the free Inner Bonding course on our website to understand this.
Thank you very much for the response! =] I am personally not in this situation. As I said, it just came up whilst researching for an exam. The points you put across are very interesting. Have the mechanism of inner bonding changed since you first started? Or has society had no effect?
The time to leave is when you have learned to take loving care of yourself and have learned to make yourself happy. If you are doing things you don't want to do, then you have inner work to do. I suggest you take the free course on our website to starting learning how to do this.
And thank you for the inspiration. You are a great asset to you tube for people who value thought provoking, intellectuals with gentle easy listening speaking style. . .
-clean the house, wash clothes, give mental support, cook meals. 1. I can (and have been) do ALL of those things myself. 2. I've literally never had a woman (bar my mother for a couple) do any of those things for me. 3. I've been the only one cooking, and cleaning for my past dates and relationships. 4. I've given SO much more emotional and mental support than I've ever received, of which there was only 1 girl who really didn't feel like listening. 5. If insist or ask for these things I'm sexist
Brilliant point when she says, yu leave because you say , "this person isn't meeting all my needs" then proceeds 2 explain "well, did u really sign up in a relationship to meet someone else's needs, to be there to meet all of someone else's needs , 2 make some 1 else feel safe -and secure etc.?" .. "Probably not!' ..so why do we expect that of others? ..its a little bit selfish really isn't it?// She's right, (&I'm 38 years old & never actually thought about or realized that, relationship s aren't here to fulfill us into security if its not my job to fill some 1 else into security or self esteem why is it their job 2 do that for us!" Wow! Lady.. Very clever! ?learn something new everyday. Now I just got rid of a man that was I'm my life for 6 years & its a good time 2 work on myself b4 meeting anyone else I would really like 2 fix myself & my end of the problems ,like u said, instead of just blame / blame / blame the other 4 all their shit, what about my own! THANKU
>you don't know if you will get a bad egg or not, this world is about taking risks. In life you have to examine the chances you are faced with and determine how likely you are to win or lose. Then you have to measure what you gain or lose. For example if I married and everything somehow goes well, them I'm happy. If I marry and everything goes to hell then I'm in a terrible almost unendurable situation. And if you add the fact that I'm already happy, I'd have to be crazy to take such a risk.
Married for 32 years. It did not work since day one after the wedding. Dating before the wedding was the only time we were happy together.I have never told my parents about my miserable life until few months ago. My dad could see how devastating effect had this life on me, yet after thinking about it for some time, he said it would not be a good thing if we split. My guess is, his logic is the same as outlined in this video. Thank you very much for the video. Ted
I suggest that you do the inner work to appreciate yourself. To learn how to do this, you might want to take our free Inner Bonding course. People get together at their common level of woundedness, so while you are aware of his issues and he isn't, you are likely not aware of your own issues.
What emotion and mental abuse? I have been with my husband for 12 years. This past year and a half really opened my eyes to the flaws in our marriage. When I try to confront them, he doesn't think its an issue. I have no money for a therapist, but I have been willing to try anything to make our relationship from hindering. He denies our relationship needs help and we need counseling and he wont go to counseling. I am at loss of what to do. We fight and bicker and I had to make more decisions lately just to make him happy. Now he is a literal guy and a realist. If he doesn't see it his way, then there is no point. That is what has been making me miserable and depressed. I started school and was happy. He was un supportive and didn't think I needed to go right now and could have waited. So to make him not look like a "jerk" (as he had not wanted me to describe him as that) I cancelled school because he couldn't see it. There is more in our marriage but this I feel was what hit the hardest point in our relationship. I'm unhappy and he is un supportive of the decisions I make to go and make something of myself. Tell me, does it have to be physical abuse?
There is much here for your to learn about your end of the system. I suggest that you start by reading our free course at www.innerbonding.com/welcome.
very different advice,usally people says live your partner if it s a bad realationship ,even its bad its nt easy to live.with your advice he is there or not there im happy alredy,thanks
What about becoming a better person first; clearer, more integrated and centered. You will have stepped upon the shoulders of truth and begun to apprehend more clearly. From this vantage point your choices are refined and exceedingly more elegant. Finally, the less your need to be loved from outside of yourself, the more powerful you are. We forget that there are at least 3 BILLION members of the opposite sex in the world at any given time. - Godfrey Silas
emotional abuse is hard Margaret. I've been away for a week on work travel, my spouse doesn't call me or makes any attempt to reach me. This is painful and I want to stay in the relationship. I'm working on filling myself up with love I need to learn this. Working on dealing with my issue. I need this
My wife and I are 64 and have been married for 43 years....I have often wondered why so many people get divorced after being married for so long, but now that I am that age, I can finally understand why and please no one ask me any questions.....The older you get the thicker the book will be.....Our divorce will be simply listed as incompatibility.....
In this case both people have some underlying fears, such as the fear of engulfment, that are getting in the way of the relationship. Both need to heal their fears so they can share love with each other. I suggest you both learn and practice the Inner Bonding process.
My wife and I have been married for 10 years and I have gave 110% to her and now I have found myself in a marriage that is not working and I do not feel any love period. When I try to communicate to her she says she don't have time nor wants to talk about the subject and it just makes everything worse. About 4 years ago she stopped doing house work, cleaning, washing dishes and I wash my own dishes and clean plus wash my own clothes and fold them. I was raised the old way to take care of myself and to work hard to love my spouse and understand her but for the last 4 to 5 years she just has disconnected from me like I do not exist and I have had enough of the isolation of prison life. When we did have sex she would just lay there and didn't want foreplay, kissing or any of that and to me what is the point. I have been married before and she always brings up my past just out of the blue and I told her very little about my previous marriages because I didn't want anything to be in the way of our marriage. She does not want the same religion that I have now and calls GOD "My GOD" and not her GOD and is always looking to start a fight. I believe in my heart it is over and I just need to stop trying to see if she will change and want love and commitment...but I just don't see it anymore. She is more interested in when I get paid than having a loving relationship.
If you are questioning whether or not you deserve love and you are not loving yourself, then this is what you need to focus on. I suggest you start with taking our free course on our website.
I am in relationship for only two years. We haven't had sex for 5 months and I am only 25. I feel heartbroken and rejected, she knows it's her "fault", but I can't take it any longer. She says she loves me and needs me, but when she's with me she always leaves me after a few hours. Can't sleep next to her anymore, barely see her, she's always tired, I am no priority anymore. I am unhappy and all I want to do is leave the situation, but in a way, She is my everything, we had it all, and now it's gone. It's devastating.
Yeah, he said he's not an affectionate guy and that he's too tired to have sex. It made me question his sexuality & he gradually turned into a flatmate rather than a partner.
talk about it until u find out the reason. she may not want to talk then it seems like things will just carry on like this till u leave. its better to get it all out in the open and discuss it as it won.t go away. my ex refused to comunicate and discuss things with me. the divorce came through this month after 28yr
+Jayne Howard i have the same problem with my ex after 18yrs with a child. he wont communicate as a grown up. he will only ignore me. the reason for that is hes been cheating and i believe he loves the other woman. the woman and him works at the same place. and she knows he has a family he goes home to. we had a great relationship after 12yrs. when we moved to another state everything change. when he started hanging out with guys who cheats on their wives. how i know is bcos my ex used to bring me with them. the guys ask girls number in front of me. i know their wives but not really close to their wives. now im devistated bcos we have a child. he doesnt really care about us. he told me theres people out there get separated they are doing fine. i really dont wanna follow that path when it comes to a family. what i noticed about him is he wants to have that single life style. he aint ready to be a family man. thanks
+Richard Misel jr whats the point in cheating anyway. the problem in the relationship will still be there. its a case of sticking it out or leaving and be happy
Blessings to you! Thank you for giving me a different view on how to love myself first. That was an issue for me. I worried about spoiling my girlfriend with love when I lost track of loving my own self. Loving yourself makes you resilient in worst case scenarios. Thanks again for your wisdom :).
My problem is that my partner exhibits some curious and destructive behavior: before moving to New York to end the long-distance portion of our relationship she pushed for an apartment we can't afford in order to feel "fabulous" and a year later I am deeply in debt. She showed up on moving day and suggested I pay her half of the rent after we agreed on a budget to share expenses. In subsequent months she has expressed a strong lack of interest in my new career, and even suggested I check in every 3-5 minutes while discussing it to gauge her interest. She broke off our engagement a few months after moving here because we failed to set a wedding date and quickly asked for the ring back. She has been very loving at times and said no to requests for help at others, insisting that we are in a 50-50 relationship.
I suggest you take our free Inner Bonding course on our website. You need to explore your end of the relationship - which is your care-taking. The fact that you put yourself in debt to please her is what you need to learn about and explore, and this course will help you do that.
when my husband and i argue or i say something that pisses him off he punches,scratches and strangles himself till he's totally exhausted or will knock him self to the ground, afterward he is bruised and sore for days. sometimes he can't even open his mouth all the way to chew food,black eyes, he's split his own cheek open once, he broke a gourd over his head one time. he smashed a full soda can over his head and pulled out clumps of his own hair on our honey moon. things that trigger him are if my tone of voice is wrong or i complain about not going out or not enough sex. He's even grabbed my wrists and smacked and hit my hands into his head telling me to hit him and it really hurt me. i love him and he was severely abused sexually and corporally as a child. please help me.
You and your husband need counseling. RUclips is not an arena where I can help you. If you want to set up an appointment with me or receive a referral, please go to our website and click on Contact Us in the menu.
Hi, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. Recently he broke up with me because he says he's unsure of what the future holds for us. He also says he feels as if he's not where he wants to be in life. He recently just turned 30. We've spoke about what bothered us in our relationship as a whole and he seems to bring up things that have happened in the past and he says he's afraid that this will continue in the future. This break up has made me realize many things that I need to change but I didn't know that the things that bothered him actually bothered him he doesn't seem to open up to me in fears that I will yell or be mad at him. What I don't understand is why would he let this continue the hurt the guilt without telling me I didn't know I was hurting him. I also feel like he feels less of a man because I have a career and everything going for me and he's just be inning that stage. I'm stuck. He's says he not 100% sure about us there for he broke up with me to clear his mind and think about things. He says sometimes he's ok without me and other times all he thinks about is me. Do you think this break up is a good idea to figure things out? Or should I just move on.
I don't agree that only physical abuse is a reason to leave a relationship. Emotional abuse or being in relationship with an addict who has no interest in recovery or looking at their issues is a good enough reason to move on.
So true!
she should have said hang in there until u become a non person because thats what happens when ur emotionally abused. I.m out of it now but suffered 28 yrs. lost my identity
Inez Patino being in a relationship with an addict is horrible.
You are taking a very immature stance. If you listened carefully the good Doctor is encouraging a mature stance, where BOTH individuals have to be in a willing participants with a like mindedness to be the solution and not the problem. EVERY relationship will have it's challenges, so if there is enough will and desire, they probably can make the existing union work! Addicts can find rehabilitation, what better way than to go at it together.
Hire newedgehackers @ gmail com for assistance with spy jobs to anonymously get info from your spouse' device and social media messages . You should know the truth before taking any legal action.
Watch what he does in response to whenever you do something healthy for yourself. If he tries to discourage you from loving yourself, taking loving actions, such as exercising, for example, if you begin to meditate and pray and discover that this make you feel happy, joyful, and healthy, then he tells you that you should stop your spiritual path and instead you should put all of your focus onto him- even though you're already spending all day with him- then you know that he is jealous of your growth and is just trying to control you and pull you down to his level. And you know that you wont be able to accomplish any growth if he keeps pulling you down, trying to stop you from becoming a healthy person.
I know my needs and I know how to compassionately express them. I don't blame him for not meeting my needs. He was a lesson I needed to learn. I love me, so I'm leaving.
I tried to live my own life and make my own happiness despite his immaturity and poor spending habits, but he put me down for doing what I love. I'm starting to have neck pain from crying and being on edge every day. This is insanity.
Emilie Wolf How do you feel right now?
She knows what she is talking about. Let true knowing begin. Great work young lady.I love it. Thank you. Dave
I like Dr Phils time to leave......when you can say to yourself, "I have given all to this I can give and I am on empty....its time to leave.....
Does anyone else find it odd that people never say what they contributed (negatively) to the relationship? They just blame the other person for everything and pump themselves up over how much they did for that person. Weird
If I didn't already love myself, I'd not be contemplating leaving. I deserve to be loved back and be able to be appreciated for giving my love to someone.
When the other person is unwilling to compromise and only cares about winning an argument to get their own way with no regards for how it makes you feel, then there really isn't a relationship. I think at that point it's time to leave.
I always suggest that before leaving you take your eyes off the other person and become aware of your own end of the system. You might want to take our free Inner Bonding course at www.innerbonding.com/welcome.
+Margaret Paul Thank you for your kind and well intended suggestion, but I think in this case I did the right thing. I have had time to self reflect, and I am so much more happy now. It's as though a lead weight has been lifted from my shoulders! When I wake up in a good mood, I go to sleep in a good mood.
That's great, but I still encourage you to do your own inner work. Without healing your end of the system, you will likely repeat whatever you were doing in your next relationship.
+Margaret Paul I can see good sense in your recommendation. In my particular case, I just read a lot about how to avoid covert Narcissists.
That's not the same thing as becoming aware of your own issues and healing them
No one has to stay. If you want to leave, then leave. But when learning has a high priority, then staying can lead to much learning about how you might be creating your own unhappiness. Most people who leave without doing their inner learning and healing create a similar unhappy relationship next time around. We take our dysfunctional ways of relating with us until we learn what we are doing and do our inner healing work.
I agree with everything you are saying but then there is covert narcissist abuse...
What is that
Yup dealing with it now myself about to leave him.and I'm.pregnant fml ....and this is why I read the comments lol
I think I just want to be alone.
For now, or always? I found humor in your remark and could relate. It is a lot of work to relate at times, but also deep rewards happen.
My own contemplative nature loves weeks of silence, and solitude. My passionate nature also loves relating deeply. Both are wonderful. Feeling alone in relationship: Time for a change!
Remember, you can't 'escape' relationship...even when alone you are always 'married' to yourself, so hope that you are attending well to that relationship!
Melissa Duffy Saying that I'll be alone forever is perhaps a naive statement and very unrealistic. Though, there have been and are times that being with someone never pans out the way I hope for. In a video you defined two types of love: one being more of an exterior love and the other focusing more on the nature of the intrinsic value of the individuals. It seems that I end up with an exterior love and resulting in a lack of appreciation in time for one another; all owed to simply getting bored or tired of the person's exterior.
Recently, I got out of a relationship because we both noticed that she no longer loved my nature and had become quick to annoy. I will be the first to admit, the situation between us was complicated and despite having our own relational issues, would not have panned out due to environmental complications.
You mention that you love silence and solitude, which makes us very similar. I have always enjoyed this about myself and find myself unable to change. When alone, everything is more simple, productive and I find myself only to have myself to blame or praise. I can't be certain if this could be the cause of my failed relationships, not giving enough attention or affection to whoever I am with. Though, I can say that in my last relationship it caused friction in the end, despite the fact that it was what attracted her to me in the beginning.
In the end, I believe that my frustrations stem from those around me. I am 24 and unable to find "love" and with it the happiness that seems to be all around me. However, I believe this to be mostly owed to me no longer being religious and unable to view love as I once did. I take it all very seriously, because the idea of being with someone for the rest of your existence seems like something that deserves contemplation and some certainty. From which I have yet to experience, forcing me believe that being alone is more simple and more realistic than searching for a person to love the "real" you.
Thank you for your response, I like your videos.
I think I am getting to that point I don't feel loved at all byw him no more and. I no it ipqs his own issues. He has trouble with. And because. He is hurting he wants us to hurt
This is the closest thing I have watched that answers my questions and makes sense. Thank you Dr. M
My partner's porn addiction continously affects my self worth. So I've decided to leave. I know it's in part me for my lack of self confidence. However, the thought of dealing with his distorted view of women (which he mainly sees as sex objects if he finds them attractive) makes me sick.
It sounds like you are on the right track regarding taking loving care of yourself.
Princygirl18 hi. I'm currently suffering through this. My self esteem is now in the basement for this very reason. please share how you are doing now with your life. This is torture. 7 years. If you could email me that would be great. Let me know. Thanks
DIY Janea Hi DIY Janea Sorry to hear you are going through this. I actually walked away from that relationship two years ago. I feel at peace with my decision. I have a child with him so we still communicate. He has dated several women and moved in with another. I believe there may be a new one now. At first it was difficult but now I'm at peace and wish him the best. If you can find peace 'within' the relationship somehow then you both can work through it.
Gloria Viannela thank you. We also have a child together. My son is the biggest reason I stay. Sometimes I'm like why stay with someone who chooses porn over you? I just feel lost
DIY Janea It will ultimately be up to you. My son is three years old now. Being a single parent is hard at times. Specially childcare to be able to work. The Serenity Prayer can be helpful during the worst of times. If you can truly give the situation to God and place more focus on the positives of your union then you can see where time takes you. I've definitely have had to work on myself also like this video says. I do believe my relationship was a karmic one. It was so painful.
I love this perspective/ approach. Literally changed my thinking.. thank you for sharing!
+Tammi Ramos Thanks Tammi.
+Tammi R I agree, a very clever woman.
I agree..... I relate!
How wonderful! This is exactly where I'm at in my marriage, and it's a case of "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear." You are a rock star, Margaret Paul!
Lisa, thanks for your kind words! I'm glad this is helpful to you.
I loved this video. It is hard to accept that most of what we blame in others is our own inability, yet there lies what we are looking for.
Thank you Margaret! this is so true, I've found myself quiting relationships and taking the "easy" path over and over again, even in my marriage... Now I'm in a transformational relationship, it's a new self-discovery adventure, specially because our partnership is a great field to learn about ourselves. And whenever Im feeling like running away, he's already warned to please hang in there and stay put... cause once you find your true self you will always want to share that happiness with your loved one. Much love !
+69anaka Right! :-)
This is great. I absolutely needed to hear this. I pray that there’s a chance to salvage my relationship and that it’s not too late
The problem is that people generally treat us the way we treat ourselves. Leaving doesn't solve this, since we take ourselves with us. She needs to learn to treat herself lovingly, and then if her partner is still treating her badly, it is time to leave. I've worked with couples for 44 years and I can tell you that people repeat the same mistakes over and over until they do their inner work.
Why is it so difficult to be just simply honest with ourselves? Fears of rejection. Fears of engulfment. Expecting from others (worse yet - forcing others) to meet our own needs. At least when maturity comes we should first acknowledge, then understand, then work on the techniques, then work again and again and again.
You don't need anyone's permission to leave. If you want to leave, then why aren't you leaving?
Not quite ok leaving without looking back to the memories both shared you know
Financial blockage.
Alec Fleming i can relate to that. I will not have a home if I leave.
When you hear JESUS VOICE AND HE SAY " IT'S TIME TO LEAVE" THAT'S WHEN YOU LEAVE CAUSE WHAT JESUS HAS FOR YOU IS WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU.
This makes so much sense. Its like everything just clicked. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you very much for your advice its not the usual leave the person...its a vicious cycle I am not willing to put up with. This helped me !
That is awesome. I knew it all along. It is so hard to try to tell other people why I am still in my marriage, even though it seems so "difficult"
I found this video to be very impressive! Taking responsibility for oneself in the relationship, caring for self, not blaming, not withdrawing, stopping caretaking, and developing one's own potential and health as a means of improving relationship and bringing deeper intimacy...so true!
As a 'child counselor' I grew up witnessing and intervening in perpetually unresolved conflicts with my 'role models' of partnership. As an adult I became a professional counselor for years and studied relationships deeply both in my work and in my personal life.
I've witnessed the 'long term' outcome of a couple staying together who intensely disliked one another, both feeling 'victimized' and both actually victimizing. I've witnessed the hilarity of how dementia actually helped this couple's 'forget' their antipathy.
Thanks for sharing this wisdom so freely!
Thanks so much Melissa. Blessings to you.
My wife I think wants to leave me but I do not think she is 100% about leaving. I have ignored her for awhile because my back has been bad and I have been helping take care of my dad who is slowly dying from heart failure. I have been taking pain pills for quite awhile and it has put me in a fog. I do not want to lose her I love her very much but I want her to be happy and if she is not happy with me then I will let her go. I have been very faithful and have never laid a hand on her! Thank you for the video it has helped me tremendously!
This is when you leave a relationship.- before you are married.
They can pretend to be wonderful people the whole time you are dating them. Once married, your in for the rollercoaster of Hell. Some people marry for other reasons than love. I got this person who used me and then was a creep. You cannot tell always if a person is bad news until you are married to them. Even living together they will fake it. I'm in a fake marriage and getting out.
Interesting! Just found you today while searching for information on emotional dependency. I'm looking forward to completing your 7 day course and then going from there. :)
+Ronie Larmore Shackelford Ronie, I hope you benefit from the course!
+Margaret Paul Thank you! I printed the course booklet yesterday and started reading it last night. I told my prayer partner about you and your website this morning and I'm telling my trainer today. :)
+Ronie Larmore Shackelford Thanks so much for all your support for Inner Bonding!
@@ronieelise6143 your pretty smile ☺️can make the news lol 😁
I never done inner bonding within a relationship because i never had one. But I have been doing this for years. I'm 23.
Thanks Margaret! I am in a relationship with a wonderful man right now and this really helped! I have watched a lot of your videos and they helped me see that I need to pay attention to what's going on inside me. Thanks again!
You're welcome! I'm glad my work is beneficial to you.
Margaret, Absolutely!! Thank you for doing what is needed to change our culture... from the heart. Dave
The element that is surprisingly not addressed here is critical: should the relationship have ever been entered into to begin with? In my 40 years of experience I have become convinced that human beings are quite good at getting an impressionistic view of the future but absolutely SUCK at knonwing how they will feel in that future. For instance, let's say a devout Catholic marries an atheist. He or she believes they can work around this in the future but when that future arrives what seemed a manageable problem is not. There are innumerable variations on this theme.
I'm pleased it was helpful to you!
Blessings,
Margaret
I really needed this. I need to make myself happy its been so long.
Great video.Really explains the process of what I'm going through.My fiance being the one who constantly needs to feel loved, wanted, needed. He does this by providing everything he can to me finacialy, in the long run it has stripped me of my independence.Which I gave up freely, cause it made the relationship run smooth & him happy. Now I am having issues, feeling smothered, controlled, lacking my independance.Now that Im trying to obtain it back,to be happy. he is upset, & confused.I wanna run
I love this video. Thank you for putting this knowledge into the world.
Tammy, thanks for your kind words. I'm pleased it's helpful.
Tammy Cunningham, you look stunning 🌹 🌹🌷 🌷🥀🌷🌷 🌹🥀🌺🌺🥀 🥀🥀 🥀🥀 🥀
I joined everythings I saw it was amazing to watch I hope Millions of people are interested in it Thanks again
Great Great advice for THOSE people who REALLY listened to this video. This is how an ADULT deals with relationships issues. For all of you that are in a relationship with a Narcissist ask yourself WHY your unconscious attracted a "Narcissist" in your life.... You are not a victim, and earlier you understand that earlier you'll be able to grow emotionally and be satisfied in your relationships.
Thank you! :-)
right on!
taking responsibility for one-self....and knowing one-self.....
few do this...instead blaming/attacking other....
Right!
A girl friend once told me that I wasnt her type. I agreed.
Okay so stay in a relationship if even there is screaming and name calling? Wouldn't that be emotional abuse, or some emotional damage someone is putting up with? Why should they still stay in? Maybe to many sensitive people now a days?
Relationships are full of challenges because you're meant to suffer first before you get the upper hand and only few people can survive it. It's very difficult to hold on to a relationship where both of you are not happy anymore, so it's better to separate ways than be together having a life like hell.
Dave, thanks so much for your kind words. Blessings, Margaret
Basically this sounds like growing apart and just doing your own thing. This doesn't account for finances that are combined and one partner bringing that down. Also, I didn't get married to do stuff by myself all the time and for myself all the time. I agree we may never resolve our issues, but this method is a great way for 2 people to completely grow apart under one roof.
Nina, thanks so much for your kind words. I'm pleased to be helpful to you.
Blessings,
Margaret
thank u so much for uploading this video it helped me a lot .
There is some good reason your partner is not available or desiring you. Opening to learning with your partner about what is going on between you might lead to some important information.
I'm glad to hear this is helpful to you.
Blessings,
Margaret
I learned a lot from your video. I have been with someone for 4 years. I am torn because he wants to move in together, but complains when I want to see him more than once a week. I know he isn't cheating, but he just always wants to be home with his mom (they live together), and he never seems to be there for me the way that I need. I am so happy, have a great job, a wonderful son, and overall a really great life. And he is my best friend. I just feel like so much of the time we are more platonic than romantic. I tried to be the example of what I would like from him, I give him support, am affectionate, and make him feel cared about. But he still refuses to hug or kiss me (EVER...it's been years), tells me to hang out with my friends more (I have no issues with him seeing his friends as often as he wants), and to stop being needy, when I ask for affection in return. When I get sick, he avoids me stating it's because he doesn't handle illness well, and when I get stranded because of my old car, he tells me to call my family for help instead. Later he apologizes, but it keeps repeating. I love him and want to feel that he appreciates me...that I am important to him. I usually feel like one of the guys. Is it time to walk away or do I keep trying to make it work?
+jennifer garcia You need to accept that you get what you see, which means that he is unlikely to change. It sounds like you can keep him as a friend, but look elsewhere for a partner.
don, t move in
you're amazing!! i'm still stuck on a guy who left 3 years ago, thing is, he left, broke up by text, i never was able to sit in front of him. He never gave me that chance, he just moved on...it's done a lot to my self-esteem
Help how are you,I found you interesting am single 65 years of age originally from Italy 🇮🇹,I live in United state
I suggest that everyone learn Inner Bonding, whether or not you are in a relationship. It is a process that teaches you how to take loving care of yourself do you can share your love with others.
This is true if you don't heal these relationship issues and then decide to move on to another relationship, same issues are gonna come up. But if you're leaving to be alone and are tired and hurt then I would just leave and be alone to heal.
i think this is the most mature advice that i have encountered. thank you.
You're welcome! I'm pleased it is helpful to you.
nice to see a video that isn't about self centred point of view
Thanks for your kind comment.
Oh I'm glad they're all over but I have learned through recovery and other schools of thought to start working on the inner bonding. There are dangerous types out there and I don't want part of that anymore. Never Say Never to new opportunities but the problem lies with me. I just kept attracting the same inner darkness. Family of origin and start reparenting that's where I'm at
Dr. Margaret Paul ...my inner child really loves you 💜 thank you for giving your amazing contribute to the world.
I appreciate your kind words. Blessings to you.
Best advice I've come across on the net so far. I'm a bit concerned about the only qualification being physical violence because there is emotional violence to be concerned about too. But all and all this is a brilliant message that if more people heeded we'd have a lot more truly happy relationships. If you expect a person to fulfill you ...your probably headed for disappointment. We need to learn to take responsibility for this ourselves.
Thanks for your kind words. Emotional violence is certainly of concern, and if the partner at the other end of it does their inner work and the emotional violence continues, then they will no longer tolerate it and will leave. But leaving before understanding and changing their end of the system may result in creating the same abusive system again.
Margaret Paul
Sometimes physically leaving and going to another location for a short time, a long time or forever is necessary for a person to 'do their inner work' and be able to develop more self-awareness, compassion and acceptance of 'their part' in the situation as well as for their partner..
Melissa Duffy
My experience is that when people do their inner work outside of the challenging system, they don't necessarily deal with their end of the system because the system isn't operating when they are out of the relationship. Time and again, I've seen people who did their inner work on their own, only to find themselves right back in the same system when they again enter a relationship. Loving oneself when alone is totally different than loving oneself within a relationship.
However, that said, I agree with you under some circumstances. Sometimes the system is too deeply entrenched and people need to separate to do their inner work.
great advice, i waited for 12 years after discovering how to make myself happy, that also did not help my ex wife who did not appreciate me being happy, that's when i knew it was time for me to leave. i now leave a stress free life without guilt of leaving too soon.
Good for you! :-)
But if you are filled with anger from having to live with a man, this isn't a healthy environment to live in and to try to find a mental and emotional clear space, to work on yourself and to get better and to recover. If everyday you are triggered by something he does, and if he seems to be emotionally not invested and emotionally abandoning, in all aspects of life, whenever you have needed him to be there for you, then even if you have your own issues of care taking, compliance, and giving yourself up, you won't be able to recover if you stay in that sort of emotionally toxic environment. In many cases it's an issue of not knowing how to set emotional boundaries on your partner, so that you have to absorb his toxicity. People who are compliant and care taking, generally have issues with setting emotional and physical boundaries. So to say that they need to stay with the man, in order to work on themselves, could result in an ever- increasing "imprisoned cycle", of trying hard to work on oneself, yet NOT getting anywhere! In that case, you need to relieve yourself and get yourself free. Otherwise you are stuck with a man who keeps treating you as 'less than' and does things to lower your self-esteem, like some kind of 'power-play'. And, recovery and self-awareness about one's relationship issues requires supportive people and support groups. If you try to recover on your own, you will probably fail.
I have always been hesitant of seeking counsel in things like these.I have been in a relationship for 1.5 years and times are that I think about the first time alot now."why arent my needs met"
"Does she not understand me?"
"Maybe we have compatibility issues "
Your video gave me great insight and lightened up my day.Thankyou :)
Siddhartha Ghosh I'm pleased to hear this.
This was the perfect time for me to see this. I am doing the inner bonding process, which follows many years of therapy. Next week, the 18th, my husband and I celebrate 10 years of marriage and it's been hard. It's easy to want to leave. He's done his own work and open to doing inner bonding. Everytime I want to push him to do it I have remind myself to focus on the work I need to do for me. I think I'm gonna stay for a while. As a friend once said, relationships are a playground for issues.
Actually, no. That's not the issue. I suggest you read about people with aspergers in relationships with neuro typical people. I'm very happy with myself, he is void of affection, and connection. What this means is that if I love myself I can't possibly be lonely with this, and if I'm not happy I should not leave... How would I take his aspergers into the next relationship? That makes no sense. Please learn about aspergers, and then try again. Thanks
Thanks! I appreciate that you understand this.
That is the best relationship advice I have heard. I feel I will know what to do from now on. Thank you!
Thanks! I'm pleased you found it helpful to you.
You're welcome! Blessings to you.
It's about adding a lot of fermented to foods, which is what re-balances the digestive system.
I work with many people who are in relationship with someone with aspergers, as well as with people with aspergers. I know a lot about it. If you want to leave, then leave. But if you want to stay, then I suggest you learn Inner Bonding. Everyone is lonely at times in relationships, but being in hell and feeling alone inside is coming from inside you. In a next rel, you would take your end of the system. We all have our end of a system.
I am doing some research for my undergraduate Social Psychology exam, and came across this. I found it very interesting to listen to, with interesting views. One question I have to ask though (which may have previously been already asked) is: What happens if the choice is taken out of your hands? What if the other person has already made that decision? This could cause all sorts of problems, I imagine? Especially if you are aiming for inner peace.
Anyway, thank you for the upload!
Dan
Dan, you still always have the choice regarding how you respond to the other person's decision. Inner peace is not determined by others - it's determined by how you treat yourself. You might want to take the free Inner Bonding course on our website to understand this.
Thank you very much for the response! =] I am personally not in this situation. As I said, it just came up whilst researching for an exam. The points you put across are very interesting.
Have the mechanism of inner bonding changed since you first started? Or has society had no effect?
SkinTicket89
Inner Bonding continues to be an evolving process.
Thank you for responding. I will look into it. Please pardon the questions, but I am intrigued.
Excellent, excellent, excellent! The best advice I have heard in a long time. Thank you.
Karen, thanks for your very kind words. Blessings to you in the New Year.
The time to leave is when you have learned to take loving care of yourself and have learned to make yourself happy. If you are doing things you don't want to do, then you have inner work to do. I suggest you take the free course on our website to starting learning how to do this.
And thank you for the inspiration. You are a great asset to you tube for people who value thought provoking, intellectuals with gentle easy listening speaking style. . .
-clean the house, wash clothes, give mental support, cook meals.
1. I can (and have been) do ALL of those things myself.
2. I've literally never had a woman (bar my mother for a couple) do any of those things for me.
3. I've been the only one cooking, and cleaning for my past dates and relationships.
4. I've given SO much more emotional and mental support than I've ever received, of which there was only 1 girl who really didn't feel like listening.
5. If insist or ask for these things I'm sexist
This was amazingly helpful, thank you
Brilliant point when she says, yu leave because you say , "this person isn't meeting all my needs" then proceeds 2 explain "well, did u really sign up in a relationship to meet someone else's needs, to be there to meet all of someone else's needs , 2 make some 1 else feel safe -and secure etc.?" ..
"Probably not!'
..so why do we expect that of others? ..its a little bit selfish really isn't it?//
She's right, (&I'm 38 years old & never actually thought about or realized that, relationship s aren't here to fulfill us into security if its not my job to fill some 1 else into security or self esteem why is it their job 2 do that for us!" Wow! Lady.. Very clever! ?learn something new everyday. Now I just got rid of a man that was I'm my life for 6 years & its a good time 2 work on myself b4 meeting anyone else I would really like 2 fix myself & my end of the problems ,like u said, instead of just blame / blame / blame the other 4 all their shit, what about my own! THANKU
I'm glad to hear that Sam! I'm glad you are open to learning this.
>you don't know if you will get a bad egg or not, this world is about taking risks.
In life you have to examine the chances you are faced with and determine how likely you are to win or lose. Then you have to measure what you gain or lose. For example if I married and everything somehow goes well, them I'm happy. If I marry and everything goes to hell then I'm in a terrible almost unendurable situation. And if you add the fact that I'm already happy, I'd have to be crazy to take such a risk.
Married for 32 years. It did not work since day one after the wedding. Dating before the wedding was the only time we were happy together.I have never told my parents about my miserable life until few months ago. My dad could see how devastating effect had this life on me, yet after thinking about it for some time, he said it would not be a good thing if we split. My guess is, his logic is the same as outlined in this video. Thank you very much for the video. Ted
I suggest that you do the inner work to appreciate yourself. To learn how to do this, you might want to take our free Inner Bonding course. People get together at their common level of woundedness, so while you are aware of his issues and he isn't, you are likely not aware of your own issues.
this woman makes a lot of sense.
What emotion and mental abuse? I have been with my husband for 12 years. This past year and a half really opened my eyes to the flaws in our marriage. When I try to confront them, he doesn't think its an issue. I have no money for a therapist, but I have been willing to try anything to make our relationship from hindering. He denies our relationship needs help and we need counseling and he wont go to counseling. I am at loss of what to do. We fight and bicker and I had to make more decisions lately just to make him happy. Now he is a literal guy and a realist. If he doesn't see it his way, then there is no point. That is what has been making me miserable and depressed. I started school and was happy. He was un supportive and didn't think I needed to go right now and could have waited. So to make him not look like a "jerk" (as he had not wanted me to describe him as that) I cancelled school because he couldn't see it. There is more in our marriage but this I feel was what hit the hardest point in our relationship. I'm unhappy and he is un supportive of the decisions I make to go and make something of myself. Tell me, does it have to be physical abuse?
There is much here for your to learn about your end of the system. I suggest that you start by reading our free course at www.innerbonding.com/welcome.
very different advice,usally people says live your partner if it s a bad realationship ,even its bad its nt easy to live.with your advice he is there or not there im happy alredy,thanks
What about becoming a better person first; clearer, more integrated and centered. You will have stepped upon the shoulders of truth and begun to apprehend more clearly. From this vantage point your choices are refined and exceedingly more elegant.
Finally, the less your need to be loved from outside of yourself, the more powerful you are. We forget that there are at least 3 BILLION members of the opposite sex in the world at any given time.
- Godfrey Silas
Thanks for your kind words! Blessings to you.
emotional abuse is hard Margaret. I've been away for a week on work travel, my spouse doesn't call me or makes any attempt to reach me. This is painful and I want to stay in the relationship. I'm working on filling myself up with love I need to learn this. Working on dealing with my issue. I need this
My wife and I are 64 and have been married for 43 years....I have often wondered why so many people get divorced after being married for so long, but now that I am that age, I can finally understand why and please no one ask me any questions.....The older you get the thicker the book will be.....Our divorce will be simply listed as incompatibility.....
In this case both people have some underlying fears, such as the fear of engulfment, that are getting in the way of the relationship. Both need to heal their fears so they can share love with each other. I suggest you both learn and practice the Inner Bonding process.
My wife and I have been married for 10 years and I have gave 110% to her and now I have found myself in a marriage that is not working and I do not feel any love period. When I try to communicate to her she says she don't have time nor wants to talk about the subject and it just makes everything worse. About 4 years ago she stopped doing house work, cleaning, washing dishes and I wash my own dishes and clean plus wash my own clothes and fold them. I was raised the old way to take care of myself and to work hard to love my spouse and understand her but for the last 4 to 5 years she just has disconnected from me like I do not exist and I have had enough of the isolation of prison life. When we did have sex she would just lay there and didn't want foreplay, kissing or any of that and to me what is the point. I have been married before and she always brings up my past just out of the blue and I told her very little about my previous marriages because I didn't want anything to be in the way of our marriage. She does not want the same religion that I have now and calls GOD "My GOD" and not her GOD and is always looking to start a fight. I believe in my heart it is over and I just need to stop trying to see if she will change and want love and commitment...but I just don't see it anymore. She is more interested in when I get paid than having a loving relationship.
If you are questioning whether or not you deserve love and you are not loving yourself, then this is what you need to focus on. I suggest you start with taking our free course on our website.
I am in relationship for only two years. We haven't had sex for 5 months and I am only 25. I feel heartbroken and rejected, she knows it's her "fault", but I can't take it any longer. She says she loves me and needs me, but when she's with me she always leaves me after a few hours. Can't sleep next to her anymore, barely see her, she's always tired, I am no priority anymore. I am unhappy and all I want to do is leave the situation, but in a way, She is my everything, we had it all, and now it's gone. It's devastating.
I had this issue with an ex of 2 years and I ended up falling out of love and that will happen to you too. You shouldn't be feeling like this!
+Fran Muddaris what issue exactly? Did he/she tell you why he/she acted that way? Or was there no particular reason?
Yeah, he said he's not an affectionate guy and that he's too tired to have sex. It made me question his sexuality & he gradually turned into a flatmate rather than a partner.
talk about it until u find out the reason. she may not want to talk then it seems like things will just carry on like this till u leave. its better to get it all out in the open and discuss it as it won.t go away. my ex refused to comunicate and discuss things with me. the divorce came through this month after 28yr
+Jayne Howard i have the same problem with my ex after 18yrs with a child. he wont communicate as a grown up. he will only ignore me. the reason for that is hes been cheating and i believe he loves the other woman. the woman and him works at the same place. and she knows he has a family he goes home to. we had a great relationship after 12yrs. when we moved to another state everything change. when he started hanging out with guys who cheats on their wives. how i know is bcos my ex used to bring me with them. the guys ask girls number in front of me. i know their wives but not really close to their wives. now im devistated bcos we have a child. he doesnt really care about us. he told me theres people out there get separated they are doing fine. i really dont wanna follow that path when it comes to a family. what i noticed about him is he wants to have that single life style. he aint ready to be a family man. thanks
28 years of sexless marriage, I'm done.
Problem is I have morals. And with the small population where I live. There aint much in the way of woman that I would do that with.
it feels like a support group on here. at least we all understand each other
+Richard Misel jr whats the point in cheating anyway. the problem in the relationship will still be there. its a case of sticking it out or leaving and be happy
talk it out and get to the reason. if one person has a problem the reality is you both have a problem. ur not happy
Have talked it out several times. Nothing changes. so like I said I'm done.
Very beautifully said. Margaret is a genius.
Thank you for your kind words! Blessings to you.
Blessings to you! Thank you for giving me a different view on how to love myself first. That was an issue for me. I worried about spoiling my girlfriend with love when I lost track of loving my own self. Loving yourself makes you resilient in worst case scenarios. Thanks again for your wisdom :).
You're welcome!
Dave, I appreciate your support!
My problem is that my partner exhibits some curious and destructive behavior: before moving to New York to end the long-distance portion of our relationship she pushed for an apartment we can't afford in order to feel "fabulous" and a year later I am deeply in debt. She showed up on moving day and suggested I pay her half of the rent after we agreed on a budget to share expenses. In subsequent months she has expressed a strong lack of interest in my new career, and even suggested I check in every 3-5 minutes while discussing it to gauge her interest. She broke off our engagement a few months after moving here because we failed to set a wedding date and quickly asked for the ring back. She has been very loving at times and said no to requests for help at others, insisting that we are in a 50-50 relationship.
I suggest you take our free Inner Bonding course on our website. You need to explore your end of the relationship - which is your care-taking. The fact that you put yourself in debt to please her is what you need to learn about and explore, and this course will help you do that.
I would leave if you were being treated like that...there's no excuse for those actions.
Thank you! I will definitely check that out. As we are looking at counseling being the next step.
when my husband and i argue or i say something that pisses him off he punches,scratches and strangles himself till he's totally exhausted or will knock him self to the ground, afterward he is bruised and sore for days. sometimes he can't even open his mouth all the way to chew food,black eyes, he's split his own cheek open once, he broke a gourd over his head one time. he smashed a full soda can over his head and pulled out clumps of his own hair on our honey moon. things that trigger him are if my tone of voice is wrong or i complain about not going out or not enough sex. He's even grabbed my wrists and smacked and hit my hands into his head telling me to hit him and it really hurt me. i love him and he was severely abused sexually and corporally as a child. please help me.
You and your husband need counseling. RUclips is not an arena where I can help you. If you want to set up an appointment with me or receive a referral, please go to our website and click on Contact Us in the menu.
Thanks for your very kind words. Blessings to you.
Fantastic Advice. Thank you for sharing. This is very much appreciated and a Lifesaver!
Hi, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. Recently he broke up with me because he says he's unsure of what the future holds for us. He also says he feels as if he's not where he wants to be in life. He recently just turned 30. We've spoke about what bothered us in our relationship as a whole and he seems to bring up things that have happened in the past and he says he's afraid that this will continue in the future. This break up has made me realize many things that I need to change but I didn't know that the things that bothered him actually bothered him he doesn't seem to open up to me in fears that I will yell or be mad at him. What I don't understand is why would he let this continue the hurt the guilt without telling me I didn't know I was hurting him. I also feel like he feels less of a man because I have a career and everything going for me and he's just be inning that stage. I'm stuck. He's says he not 100% sure about us there for he broke up with me to clear his mind and think about things. He says sometimes he's ok without me and other times all he thinks about is me. Do you think this break up is a good idea to figure things out? Or should I just move on.
What an amazing wisdom and approach!
+rasibou1 Thanks for your kind words!
Thanks for your kind words!