When Healthy Anger Grows Toxic
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- Опубликовано: 18 окт 2021
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Feeling intense anger can feel like trauma healing, but really it's just a step -on the path between being the self-suppression of CPTSD and the freedom to be happy and connected. If you inherited post-traumatic rage from your childhood, and you're using contempt and irritability as "fuel" to get you UP out of depression, you're likely to find yourself falling right back down into a helpless, lonely dysregulated place. In this video I'll teach about how you can tell the difference between healthy anger and toxic rage that hurts everyone it touches.
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I needed to hear this. My parents never showed me how to cope with anger because they never could get control of theirs. It's frustrating thinking about how emotionally immature they were and irresponsible of a decision it was to still have kids. This is why our society is deteriorating among other reasons. A whole generation of abuse and narcissism breeds anger and hate. God Bless you . Love your channel
@@sojourner239 I did give her compassion and love. I even gave her money to go see a therapist. Instead she continued to disregard my boundaries, gossip about the family, triangulate my brother and I, enable my alcoholic brother, use me to get to my dad's money even though they're divorced, and consistently made me feel like I was overreacting when she was the explosive angry reactive one most of the time. Sorry but I tried my best. She didn't and that's why I had to go no contact. Oh and she also never apologized or took took responsibility for anything.
@@sojourner239 It's ok! I know you mean well. Most people mean well. I just got to a point where I had to make a decision for my own sanity. It hurts me a lot because I've always loved my mom and I care for her but she's treated me so badly that it started to finally take a toll on me. I started noticing my physical health getting worse too. Interesting how our stories are similar. This stuff is everywhere. God Bless you.
@@sojourner239 literally making excuses for abusers. You got some guilt there huh?
Sounds like narcissistic abuse. We get that. I think what the commenter above was meaning to say is that in order to release the trauma (through therapy or shamanic breathwork, or other healing modalities, you have to get to a place of releasing them, and the pain with forgiveness. That doesnt mean they ever need to be in your life. Just that you can reach deep levels of healing through the release work.
I agree. It's no wonder there's kids going awol. I'm glad we have strict gun laws in UK.
That unhealthy rage always left the trifecta of shame, regret & embarrassment... Your channel really keeps me on track!! 💙💜💕
I sooo get that, too. If I can express appropriate anger, i get a 'shame attack' afterwards and start feeling all guilty about saying it, and my instincts are to rescue the other person , or apologise.
@@jennytaylor3324 i feel you
I feel shame when I feel disrespected, humiliated and undermined and don't come back perfectly and articulately in a disagreement. Usually with a random stranger who may be being rude imo.
I think the best thing to remember is that anger is an indicative, secondary emotion to deeper things, and to treat it as such. It's a warning that something is off, or you are feeling unsafe. And I think because anger is a protective emotion, it sometimes mistakenly tries to protect you from harder emotions you might actually have to face to heal --- like grief. Grief is a very threatening emotion.
For me those root emotions driving unhealthy rage were shame, helplessness, and complex grief --- grief I'd been abused and had an unloving narcissistic mother and enabling father, helplessness that no matter what I tried or how hard I tried I couldn't change my parents, and shame I even had so much anger, because my abuser groomed me to think I was inherently bad.
Not shaming myself for that anger but validating it, inviting it in, and learning to treat it like a litmus test is what led to emotional regulation for me.
That and getting out of an abusive space where my nervous system was on edge all the time.
Anger can also be a way to break out of the freeze response, and children learn that sometimes the only way to put a boundary down is to be angry because no one listens, so it also becomes a tool when they don't have any other effective ones --- having compassion for the child in me that felt so unsafe all the time helped with the shame part as well.
Great insight, thanks so much for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I love this comment.
Spot on! Especially needing to get loud and angry because it's the only way people will listen!!! Thanks for sharing. I'm glad to hear that you have found some solutions. 💜
Thank you
Yes 🙌
I was in a therapy group a few years ago, pretty seriously depressed (situational, about my abusive father, whom I was taking care of). One day I finally got in touch with the anger, and it felt great! I was so happy about it! I expressed this to the group, and they looked at me with expressions of horror and fell silent. The message was clear: being angry and expressing it was bad and wrong. Same message I'd gotten repeatedly as a child. So I froze and shut down, sliding back into that awful pit of the sludge of helplessness that is depression.
The next private session I had with the therapist leading the group, I brought this up. Her only response was that the others in the group probably felt fear at my anger, and that's probably true. But she gave ME no validation, that my anger was appropriate and healthy, and definitely a step up from depression. So once again, the message was other people's feelings were more important than mine, and this time the message was from a therapist, FFS!
It's occurring to me now that an unskilled or bad therapist can do more damage than if you don't go at all, because it's supposed to be a place of safety, and if it's not, you've let your guard down and are therefore more vulnerable than you'd usually be.
I can relate. My mom, sister and extended family members continued to tell me to put a smile on my face and don't be an angry girl (people don't like girls who are angry or bossy). They wanted to deny and pretend that everything was perfect while my dad hit us all and sexually assaulted us all. I have learned holding on to intense anger for years doesn't do much to help me in the moment but being shamed and told not to show anger at all is reinforcing the message that one is less than valid an has to smile and put up with what anyone else wants to do. There has to be a balance.
I was living with my dad for eight months this year, the longest amount of time I'd ever spent with him, and I had always considered him the safe parent compared to my mom, who is self-absorbed, parentified and belittled me simultaneously, financially abused me, and terrified me by going into blistering rage fits. But my dad was very insistent from the start (after I decided I needed to take some time away from school and also disclosed the financial abuse to him) that I go into therapy. It was definitely his idea more than mine. I ended up with a therapist I didn't click with. In fact there were several moments where I felt like he was brushing off what I was saying, or getting frustrated with me because I couldn't stick to a set topic.
On top of that, I kept forgetting the pay the man (I was recently diagnosed with Inattentive Type ADHD so a lot of basic adulting & self care functions do not come naturally to me), which made him annoyed with me, AND I tend to be anxious and guarded when in conversations with people so sharing was not easy, and I could hear the voice in my brain scrutinizing all his mannerisms (hypervigillance)... so after 11 sessions I called it quits. My dad understood that it didn't work out but expected me to try another therapist right away. I admitted to putting off getting back into therapy for about two months.
Now he thinks I'm back in therapy when I'm really not. I hate lying to him but it's a force of habit for self preservation. It's like the lie leaves my mouth before I can think twice about it. Even so, I just can't listen to another fatherly lecture about this, I CAN'T!!! He means well but he just Does Not Get It. He had a suicidal ideation period in high school and therapy was really helpful for him through that, but plenty of people don't have such easy experiences with it. He didn't go through childhood trauma so I don't think he fathoms the extra emotional barrier to entry there. Also I did try to go to a session recently with one of the therapists at my college and I had a panic attack just before the session, so... it's hard. I've been doing so much self help research and self care practice by myself, and I know that only goes so far, but... I'll try therapy again when the time is right. RUclips channels like this are like therapy without the anxiety, and they've been a huge help so far.
@@angelakenna5986 I am so sorry you've experienced this abuse. The violence, the sexual abuse, and the gaslighting and denial as a result of it by those who should be your allies. You shouldn't even need allies to protect you from your own parent!
Yes, it's a terrible message, that somehow you're less than, that you don't have a right to feel and express appropriate anger, no right to your own boundaries.
The truth is we're NOT less than anyone, we DO have a right to feel and express anger when appropriate, and we DO have the right to establish our own healthy boundaries.
@@alienswillcomeAWC You know what, Rory? There's no one on this planet who knows what you need better than you do. I appreciate your father's trying to help you, but you know the what, when, how, and who of what you need better than he ever could, even if he were 100% healthy, which he isn't.
It's a shame you can't be honest with him, but there's no sense in setting yourself up for yet another misguided fatherly lecture that you can't tolerate, which you know is what would happen.
You're here, you're doing what you know feels best and right for you, Rory, to heal. That panic attack was you giving yourself the message, loud and clear, that right now isn't the time for another therapist. You're doing great!
Helplessness isn’t depression in ptsd it is learnt helplessness when you tried to survive or be safe n kept failing… you were taught young you are helpless
As a customer service employee who deals with hundreds of angry customers on a constant basis, I just want to say thank you for this one.
Hats off to you! I always wonder how you people do this. I would throw the telefon/computer out of the window half way through my first day.
Oh my. Just recovering from the aftermath of a triggering argument/disregulation that came out of nowhere...... My poor partner. He's supportive, but it's very draining on him & us. After the crazy anger comes the dissociation which is another kind of unhealthy behaviour. I feel like at 55 Yr old and being let down and abused by everyone, I'm full of anger, I'm defensive, I'm protecting myself as I couldn't protect myself then.
The irony is, I'm a very gentle, empathic & sensitive person who abhors shouting and aggression. It's my protective mode..it's not meant to be offensive, but it sure hits that way to my partner.
I feel I'm stuck in the angry phase and need to move out of it.
Deep! You know so much about childhood PTSD and unregulated reactions, what you have called Dysregulation. This is because you had childhood PTSD. After I get Angry over something that triggered me, I feel so low after. It is like a cycle that never ends and leads to isolation.
I relate! But I am able to keep from isolation these days...healing works :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have rage to tears kinda anger. I had an insecure angry Dad who was a total know it all who spat words if you had an opinion of your own. I decided to be smarter, faster and not let anyone undermine my intellect again ever. We also had strong matriarchs in the family and they are now afraid of me because as a kid you have to tolerate their blind arrogance and domineering nature but when you travel abroad, grow up and then return to visit, you realise that the people who dominated you are not that smart afterall. You just didn't have the language, experience or assertiveness to deal with adults as a kid. When someone is rude to me unfairly I go off but usually I cry hard after at the frustration of being talked down to. This is why people go truly dangerous sometimes. I tend to self isolate to keep away from many people. I refuse to let go of anger because it's the only one sticking up for me so I don't think it's as simple as a time and a place. I like the journaling exercise. Some girls today was mocking me down the park today and all I wanted to do was be violent. I never am but the desire to is definitely there. I cried all the way home with the frustration of anger at not being treated with respect
Same. The number one reason why I always get so angry is the two reasons you put. Being talked down to, or not being treated with respect
With other sources of pain, there’s usually things to be done about it, or their own solutions. I think why I get so angry about it is that it always happened to me early in my life, so I feel like if I don’t immediately do something about it, it will keep happening. I keep feeling like if I don’t express anger right then, and strong intense anger, then it’s going to keep happening. It feels like other actions “aren’t enough” (just how it feels emotionally) and I get scared that what I’m doing won’t change it. But I have to do other things to change it, even though it feels emotionally like they’re not enough or I’m so scared they don’t change it. Because anger isn’t a good solution.
@@magnificentpup2875 me too.
Thank you for your comment. I can relate to it, especially the matriarchial family structure.
I love the saying "If it's hysterical, it's historical"... Thank you for the great content!
omg yes!
In therapy groups we were encouraged to express anger. I too found it was no relief. The anger got worse. Supposedly once we have expressed anger enough it empties a well and it goes away, but the well seemed to have no bottom. A “friend” told my friend that I was “always angry.” I am still struggling with it and blew my lid at someone yesterday, and feel awful.
this is true for me. many of us were very mad what happened to us. i had a feeling of being badly treated as a kid and it never left me. i was not going to let that ever happen again to me! i adopted this twisted attitude of get them before they can get me. yes i was obnoxious, belligerent, and sported a huge chip on the shoulder. i did not want to give up my anger, it drove me, fueled me, and consumed me. i was going to get my pound of flesh back that was taken from me! im 59 this year and it wasnt until miss anna the wonderful said in one her vids, " its time to put down your sword" so i did it. and guess what? yes, im finally at peace with the past, the world and my self. miss anna is truely wonderful!
Thank you for sharing that experience with us!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Anger is a powerful form of energy. It can be extremely constructive and motivating if channeled properly, yet destructive if utilized the wrong way.
This video is on point as usual! 🙌💯🔥👏
I bottle up my anger and stay calm when other people are around. But when I'm alone, I will go into a rage over any little thing. I will yell and kick things over small problems. If my laptop gives me trouble I will yell at it. If someone catches me ranting, I get embarrassed and have to make an excuse.
Same.
I can relate. I have a bit of that going on these days. My big embarrassing Alone thing is just shamelessly talking to myself. Sometimes I even answer myself - I'll play therapist to myself sort of. It helps with the isolation I've ended up in.
Awhile ago a neighbor mentioned to me that they wondered what I was talking about so ardently the night before. I was mortified. " iOh - I was talking to my cat." I told him. I didn't have a cat. I'm also pretty sure he knew that. So that very afternoon I got me a cat. She's amazing. Now I have 5 of her beautiful babies and their Daddy's moved in too. One BIG happy family. No one ever wonders if I'm talking to myself like a creepy freak. I am, of course, just chattin'with the cats...about CPTSD and whether or not we should move to Thailand, and how much my father has ruined my life and I hate him...They don't like it when I pass a certain level of anger, so I have a reason to keep myself within some kind of bounds which I do think is a good idea, although, for me? Anger DOES empty out after I shout about it awhile and clean like a mad demon for a few hours. I'm just sick of being angry. And the cats are not impressed,
😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😁
I am in the throes of "emotional disregulation" after decades with a covert narcissist..... because of my early trauma, and growing up watching my parents argue, I didn't even recognize(quiet, passive ) emotional abuse as abuse....
Join us at in Crappy Childhood Fairy land! You'll have so much support available to you! bit.ly/2rukHvh
-Cara@TeamFairy
I was physically abused on a regular basis from a young age. During the abuse my abuser would mock me for flinching and punish me more for crying . I struggle with hair trigger rage today...usually directed toward myself . Thank you for this video. I know I'll be watching it again and trying to untangle all this.
How is your thumbnail actually that adorable when you make an angry face 🥺❤️🤣
Rage was the main way of my mother reacting to anything. I developed a wide variety of unhealthy and dishonest ways of either dealing with it, avoiding it, and reacting to my own anger. Only within the past 7 or 8 years have I learned how to not rage.
That's a huge victory!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I feel that... I have just recently realized I get angry when I'm sad. The days before I went back across the country after Xmas with my family I started getting really mean to my family. I was super short tempered and getting frustrated with everything they did. The drive to the airport I was berating my mom for potentially making me late to my flight etc etc etc. But then I finally started sobbing in the back of the car. I couldn't stop sobbing. I was just really sad about leaving and being away from them. I finally realized that I always do this. And then I heard someone say that the root of anger is always pain. Self awareness is just the first step of course.
I just found this channel. You're awesome!
Welcome aboard!
@@brittianyistre that's where I found this channel!
Me too!
What goes on behind closed doors needs to be discussed more often . Thanks for opening up on this topic .
For myself I notice that I'm angry and critical when I'm feeling hurt. But instead I try to notice that this signals to me my need for some grieving. For example recently I was researching how and where to get accepted for another degree and was feeling furious at my parents and society that I didn't have this certainty that I can continue my studies. And no wonder I was angry, my parents wanted me to quit studying early and start earning money to support them. I felt robbed of my chance to do these things when I was younger, now I'm 15 years later for Bachelor's Degree. This is a genuine loss that I need to grieve. Recognizing that, my anger subsided to the deep sadness of the neglected child that I was back then. After crying I realized that I'm still going to pursue my dream of getting of degree because now I can, now I have the support of my inner parent. So in my opinion anger is good when it leads to grief and it also helps me believe that I'm worthy, I was worthy all along. Anger is good emotion for self protection but it needs the adult self/inner parent to allow it in a way that it doesn't cause more hurt. Anger with boundaries, so it doesn't leave the inner child alone with that anger.
Wonderful, very inspiring story, thank you for sharing! I am so happy you are pursuing your dream. Best wishes ❤️
Growing up with a lot of anger around feels familiar. That sense that grown men are dangerous. The terror of that particular style of "singing" usually associated with and performed by drunken European soccer fans.
I remember one particularly terrifying episode, which is also quite funny in retrospect with lots of distance: I was about 12 years old and visited my cousin's family for a few days. My uncle was an intimidating sight, tall and muscular and had a choleric temper. He suggested that my cousin and I should undertake a bike excursion and wanted to adjust his bike for me to ride. However, with him being so tall, his saddle-post was all the way out, and with him being so heavy, it was bent. He got so enraged about this that he took a massive hammer and bashed the thing in with brute force and a lot of shouting (btw, he was a trained engineer). I remember asking myself "how is he ever going to pull this thing out again?", but with him being already so enraged, I was just too terrified to point out this flaw in his plan. My memory is a bit hazy, but I think we didn't even take the bikes out after all.
I too inherited some of the family temper, and anger went out of control many times, but it got a lot rarer recently.
Anger is very scary. I don't like it in myself or others. Until 3 or 4 years ago I didn't know I even had anger. My therapist was overjoyed when I began to get in touch with it. But now it's exhausting and consuming, I get trapped in anger for days and can't get out. Trying to 'feel my feelings' and not push them away and ignore them again feels like an uphill battle.
You can explore this through the CPTSD lens with the course Healing Childhood PTSD, would love to meet you! bit.ly/39NxUBo
-Cara@TeamFairy
Hi, Anna. I’m working my way through your videos and learning a lot from you. Today, I came looking for a video on anger after a distressing incident in which I lashed out at a former co-worker whom I felt had betrayed our friendship - or what I thought was a friendship. It turned into a huge debacle, and I’m full of shame tonight, feeling embarrassed and humiliated. It initially felt SO good, and I’m still furious. I have so much rage in my heart that I can barely see straight. Today’s experience has shown me that despite doing a lot of work on myself, my abandonment wounds still cut deeply. Your video helped ease a bit of my shame, and I thank you for that.
Feeling powerless and neglected makes me angry. That’s my childish reaction. As an adult I have an amount of power I can express, and the rest I must let be. It is what it is.
I can't hold a job. I can't be around other women's unjust treatment of me & I work stuff up in my mind to a frenzy & I ruminate, which leads to each day living right in the middle of my anger. I get hypervigilant & I overreact. I can't hold a job.
We have a community of people, lots of them women, who feel like you do. We are working together to heal and support each other. bit.ly/2rukHvh
-Cara@TeamFairy
Sometimes working with other women are the worst. Too many cooks in the kitchen
@@tb8827 tell me about it 🙄 the daily constant need for validation and complaining. Absolutely terrible
@@tb8827 haha thank you! Ugh I can imagine having a female charging at you at your desk and yelling. I’ve worked in retail and had my female manager at the time have a melt down and lash out at me totally unprofessional.. now I’m in healthcare and it’s the same high school mentality.. actually it’s worse. The women there are super catty and will throw anyone under the bus.
I’m glad you’re not in that situation anymore. I’m thinking it’s time for a career change in the near future
I would like some examples of constructive action. As an adult child I have few role models who act constructively in society, for example, I didnt know I could report a doctor's bad behavior to another authority. And when I figured it out most People told me NOT to do it. Because THEY thought it was scary to tell the truth. When I finally got the courage it really helped the situation.
"Sometimes, I guess there just aren't enough rocks." - Forrest Gump
After deciding I wasn’t going to stay angry forever I had to sadly abandon listening to some of my favorite rage music like slipknot to avoid slipping into that addictive high of “IM ANGRY YEAH”.
Same kinda. I switched to buckethead since some of his albums are heavy but no lyrics so nothing is really affecting my mood. Just great guitar jams really.
Same here with Metallica!
I had same experience with music -- had to make conscious choice to find upbeat musuc, and udeally to sing. A true release.
Since my teen years, my only way to release my anger has been metal music. I might look and behave like a kind person but I usually feel a lot of resentment, so whenever I want to smash things against a wall, I put my metal music on and it prevents me from actually doing it! Now I'm journaling a lot (expressing fears and resentments) and my playlist has become way softer ! But from time to time, I love listening to a good old Slayer or Pantera song.
I’m 56 and a life long punk rocker-it still helps to rock out with Rise Against or AC/DC.
I have no anger from any of my cPTSD or PTSD stuff. I blame nobody. I don't blame myself for anything.
And yet I AM angry...or rather, I'm always, ALWAYS anxious and that's eventually led to depression which manifests as irritability.
My emotional dysregulation though, in my late teens to my mid 30s or so...a very different thing. THAT "anger" of breaking things, screaming, being verbally abusive, throwing stuff, being controlling, storming off and slamming doors, and blah blah blah...was not from anger at all. It was from fear, hurt, perceived neglect, disrespect, abandonment, invalidation, and such.
Until a year or 2 ago, I just thought I had "anger issues." I wish!
haha we wish- I get you :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Many years ago my former spouse was having an affair. As more and more information began to present itself, at first all I could feel was this engulfing sadness. I couldn’t get angry. And the sadness and shock I felt eventually turned me catatonic. Once the anger phase of grief entered my system, the way I described dealing with it soon afterwards was that “it took literally EVERY PARTICLE of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual STRENGTH i had…to “simply” do…NOTHING!! It took inhuman strength. And I came out of that situation…healed. Of course, the actual healing happened because of a transformative spiritual experience. But I felt that NOT reacting to the anger I felt was the right choice. (Otherwise, something VERY BAD would have happened had I “let that level of anger OUT”.)
Thank you for all the awesome work you do!
Thanks for sharing your victory, I get it :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I was always told by my mother, all my ex's and my 15 year with my ex wife i had a temper, now cutting all Narcs of my life, i realized, I do not have a temper at all, There is no one triggering me to regulate their anger.
“There was no feeling of being done with the feeling” this is exactly how I felt in 2021.
I always thought I had to let all of my emotions out and let them be free. But that just made me feel completely out of control. I realize until Now in 2022 that all of my postpartum rage was a combination of childhood trauma paired with a traumatic labor.
You’ve helped me let go of my anger as my shield. Now I’m allowing myself to feel the hurt instead of trying to keep it turned to “low” by using my anger as a “cathartic” resolution.
Anger and depression .. great connections clearly explained
Anna, wow, again such incredible insight into a very common stage of clambering out of CPTSD.
"When i grew up i was afraid of angry people"
Yep, i can relate. This is why i had or still have a hard time accepting my own anger while on the other hand it was allowed to show my anger. You will never see me angry but instead i became very depressive.
Yes, love the Daily Practice! To me that technique is an improved version of a 10th step in AlAnon. Way back in early Al-Anon before I worked steps, I'd have anger come out sideways at people. Had to make some amends there as my anger had nothing to do with the people I volcanoed on. Then, still before steps, I learned to multiply cookie dough recipes by 4, then beat the heck out of that dough - Then I'd take those cookies to AA where there were actually people trying to get sober. I was beating someone's head in. In our literature it talked about a woman who made a beautiful flower garden by digging and digging - graves - then planting. I had friends who preferred taking a stomp around the block a dozen times before they got to steps. After working through steps the first time - thoroughly covering my childhood too - so much of that dissipated. I'd still have a flareup once in awhile and sometimes there was really something to be angry about - but I knew to work through steps again, give it God and ask for wisdom and self-control in handling the situation. Learning about detachment with love (or without sometimes) helped a great deal.
Beautiful!
I agree too much anger can lead to just spinning your wheels and getting nowhere but the ER or worse Prison...
It's a tough topic... At the moment I'm reading a lot of poetry. Every day I read Robert Frost and I read from my big black book of Lour Reed lyrics, "I'll Be Your Mirror.". I also listen to a lot of Pink Floyd--I have Yeats coming in the mail but Roger Waters is also a poet to me. Angry... Frost thought a poem begins in delight and ends in wisdom. I don't think a Roger Waters lyric always begins in delight but, as when I write myself, if something concludes in a real way, with wisdom, sanity, 'a momentary stay against confusion' was Frost's other line about it--if I really get somewhere I know myself better. The feeling, whatever feeling was in the writing (if anger) , hasn't been a frustrated end in itself. It was always leading to this deeper conclusive knowing.
IWriting poems gives me a chance to reverse the process of internalization,sometimes. I had a religious background and the other day I started a poem I thought might be a song by writing, "God only likes a Holy Roller (Keep on rollin')...". Right away it went somewhere and I was really shocked where it ended up. I can just literally say the thing that got internalized but it comes out with all of this irony anger and bile, but ultimately with sadness, grief and wisdom.
A lot of this could apply to why people get stuck thinking that things like fighting or revenge are the answer to societal problems. Fighting violently can keep you alive in the short term in some situations, and sometimes, if you're lucky, the person or other being you took revenge against was someone causing serious trouble to your community and they raised up no other instigators, so when they got taken out of the picture, so did a lot of the societal problems. But when people see that happen, they're tempted to think that things like fighting and revenge are the way to achieve peace. No they aren't. Just like the way CPTSD anger keeps you out of that depressive black hole, yes, those things can help, up to a point. But also like with CPTSD anger, if you rely on violent fighting and revenge exclusively in a society, you stay stuck - and cause new problems in the process (societal or individual, depending on whether it's CPTSD coping anger, violence, or revenge, with the last item on that list being the one most likely to cause the most serious issues, because revenge situations a la The Princess Bride are vanishingly rare).
I've grown scared of my own anger because of my parents. They couldn't control theirs so as a kid when I showed anger I was never taught any healthy ways of coping. Tantrums well into highschool and college were normal for me. because of that I felt I was no different to my parents. but I was different. I saw that this was a problem and I put in the work to grow myself and heal the relationships I cared about. I'm more level headed than I've ever been. but through shame I've isolated myself from my own anger. now that I'm in a good place I'm searching for a healthy median.
Thanks for sharing your experience, we completely understand. Finding that median can be so tricky, but we're rooting for you! -Calista@TeamFairy
Thanks a lot, Anna for this video. I have never been an angry person despite all my traumas, but I have been afraid of agry people many times in my life. I appreciate the distinction you make between healthy anger and unhealthy anger, it is a helpful tool to deal with people around me. Much love to you and to all the people who contribute to this channel. It has been life changing for me!
This is incredibly triggering but also very educational in understanding my feelings. I grew up up with a lot of anger, violence and alcoholism also. It's also so weird to hear someone explain how you feel and they feel the same way when you've always felt like no one knows how you feel. You're very inspiring on my healing journey, thank you ❤️
I was encouraged and almost pressured to feel and express my anger. It was frightening to me because I grew up in an angry violent home. It caused a lot of damage in my marriage and other relationships.
I was only 20 and having a nervous breakdown from all that had happened to me and the mistakes of my own from behaviors i developed to cope with the anger.
Glad you're here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Silence is not always golden
Putting the vase and the chair really gently on the floor is actually so sweet though :( oh my gosh
Right?!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I never have rage anymore but I can be still be very passive aggressive. My job can be very busy and stressful and just yesterday I was bitching about a lazy work colleague (to another colleague) who had left a pile of work for us to do. I always feel regret after of course and wish I could have reined my temper in, but that child/me without any power or a voice just rises to the top and off I go. Today I feel regret and anxiety that it will come back to bite me. I should have taken a more constructive, and professional route instead of the one I did. Thanks for this reminder that it never really satisfies us in the end.
Great self-awareness!
-Cara@TeamFairy
The first time I allowed myself a full-blown rage attack was when a controlling, wealthy aunt stole the birthday party that I was planning for my twin mother/uncle. Nothing I did was good enough for her, she took it and did all the plans. I was so out of character in my response. I was so, so triggered by her control-freakishness and rude slam of my personhood. I swore in front of the whole family on facebook, and told her to invite prostitutes and children to abuse so she could have everything she wanted. I was ridiculous. So embarrassing.
I gotcha! Been there in other forms which amount to the same outcome!! Working on it too. 💜😻💜
Oh my! This is so important. Thank you!! For years I’ve ruminated on how talk therapy got me in touch with feelings instead of dissociating through life, but that ended being more isolating due to confusing rage. With your help, I’m really beginning to come to grips with nervous system deregulation and taking steps to self-soothe before that invisible OOC emotional threshold is reached. I’ve truly made more progress in 2 weeks with your videos than I did in decades of 15 different types of therapy. What a difference it makes to learn from someone who knows. 😅 you’re a treasure. Thank you so much 🙏🙏🙏
Thank you!
I have that wonderful talent of making mountains out of molehills if you know what I mean...
Im so glad I found this channel. I'm trying to learn to recognize when I'm acting emotional or feeling anger irritation over things that I shouldn't get angry or irritated about I'm trying to learn how to regulate and show myself compassion all while struggling with OCD and cognitive distortions I'm trying to learn how to process emotions because I never knew how before. It's a lot and I know that I gaslight myself as well because I constantly told myself that I'm making excuses and that it wasn't that bad and that yeah those mental illnesses exist but for me it's just cuz I'm just trying to make excuses and all of it is so exhausting and just watching these videos it really helps me feel a little bit validated when I start to think that I'm just making excuses because I'm a narcissistic or toxic or something.
This helps me understand some of my more angry phases, and why I longed to step past them. Of course, having the Daily Practice and other CCF skills in my life-tool-kit makes me much more resilient these days. Thanks!
I had parents like that. Who would rage and berate each other and get violent..but they never divorced. So i had to deal with that anger for a couple of decades. Sighs.
Thanks for being here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Perfectly timed. Gratitude for you Anna. Thank you.
Anger is helpful. It keeps people away from me.
Great perspective, and we can burn up all on our own even without suggestion, it is misery and unfair to ones self. Therapy was and was not helpful in ways, thank you for discussing this at length. And thank you so much for sharing very honest, not easy to say, surrounded by anger was my background too. Difficult and balanced sharing, thanks.
I like how you express your own situations which relate to the topic... That's very generous of you. I've known therapists who don't admit to having any issues, not that I'm asking to know their personal business, but they project a God-complex like, nothing ever goes wrong in their lives. You know what I mean. Thank you. 🙏
This is one of the best talks i have ever listened to. Have just set up a reminder to re-watch regularly. I feel calmer just by watching it. Quite amazing. Many thanks ❤️
Thanks so much for supporting the channel!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thankyou. I've been waiting for this. Totally Relate. Listening 😱
Confession: I threw a full casserole dish down the street from 2 floors up...🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🙂
I love you for that.
I’m so so grateful, A friend recommended this channel too me. What a well of knowledge you have and generosity to share it on such a huge platform. Thank you. Thank you.
I was always depressed, very depresseed, or with anger, but anger made me stuck and with emotional flashbacks. I stayed in very bad situations for to long, and it was disastrous.
But you are getting free now :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
AMEN! Working on it.
Recently discovered you, am so grateful 🌸
Yep!! I completely relate.
Oh my GOODNESS!!! I got this link in my email (from signing up) and it was exactly what I needed!!! I had been trying to get these answers through my therapist but I always left frustrated, not understanding what do to about my anger and dysregulation. I'm so thankful I came across your channel, I feel like I am back on course to healing from CPTSD. Thank you for your help and I will be checking out the links!
Bless you ! Thank you for all your dedication and healing !
Thank you for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Hello Anna, I was - and stil am- terrified of yelling, shouting and slamming doors and angry people.
I can relate precisely on how you felt about safety. It is dragging with my husband, similar pattern with my family, but when I found you on RUclips talking about disregulation and CTPSD my journey to healing began and I am really grateful of the work you are doing to help people who suffered from this type of trauma. When I was younger I wen to a few psychologists and one wanted to put me to sleep with some rubbish anti-anxiety medication and the other told me straight away that I wasn't the problem but there was something deeply wrong with my family of origin. I was too young and scared to fully understand. The daily practice has helped/is helping me a lot to become stronger, but I still have a lot of work to do and sometimes it feels too much but I am aware I need to piss off a few more toxic people in order to find a balanced life, and this is the hard part (> people pleasing syndrome). Thank you❤🩹
When I get angry about the past & I look at my life today I take a deep breath & say Thank U JESUS! I'm free! I can come & go as I please! I can do what I want to in my home! I cook & eat whatever I want! I'm free!! I'm free!!!
You are a Godsend!!🙏🏻
Thank you for sharing !
Yes, she really shared a lot.
Yep, that is where I am now. I can't stop it.
Wow. Lightbulb moment.
Awesome video!!! Thank you!! Love it! I hope to to watch it again today and to do the writing exercise you suggested. Sounds awesome and so freeing! I really needed this and this video happened at the perfect time! 🙏💖
So glad to hear that :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
thank you Anna for making this real. you make it real by telling us what it was like for you and then with the sanity and awareness, not sure about the order there, you have gained, you illuminate what really happens in real life. Not what the ego wants to portray or what we want the story to be like but what it really was like. We are soooo fortunate when we can have this perspective.. It is a gift and we celebrate it🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
Embrace the rage and tear the hearts out of those who did you wrong. Anything less is cowardice.
Can you do a video on how to release your emotions. For months now I feel like crying, but I never do. I go home wanting to cry, but when I am in my bed, completely private, I don't actually cry. I just want to stop feeling so tense and on the verge all the time. It's exhausting.
Highly recommend some structured healing work for that kind of tension courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I've actually signed up and I started the Healing pTSD course but I'm stuck at writing down my traumatic experiences, I can't seem to put them down on paper, I'm literally stuck. I think I am just really terrified to explore it because when I did so in therapy I felt really disturbed and had physical symptoms like I was literally choking.
I really needed to hear this. Clear, good, honest advice. Thank you
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
This was one of your best
Agree, not easy to listen to but one of best.
You just put into words, what I couldn't, when speaking about your parents and how it affected you as an adult. Everyone thinks im sooo sweet but I have angered from a scrappy childhood! You put things in perspective for me 🥰
So glad Anna speaks to you :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Goodness... I had an ex who once asked me why the rage? For a time I thought I was having a serious mental condition as well... In fact I'd thought I was becoming psychotic. Yeah... bottling anger doesn't work, makes matters worse... feel your emotions, understand why and then express it creatively... I use music for this, the daily practice will help, but also remember to follow it up with something creative and expressive, especially for yourself
Great advice Andy. I use music as well, it speaks to my soul and loosens all the junk I've been carrying around for far too long. Then, as the "junk" comes up, I defuse the anger and learn why it was there in the first place: did someone offend me, is it inherited, did I learn to respond that way...what's this anger tangled up with then....let it go!
You are the best thing that has ever happened in my life. Thank you for teaching me.
Wow. In that case I'm REALLY glad you found me!
I am REALLY struggling with anger....that I cannot use to move forward...so I am taking it out on myself..not taking care of myself..
VERY helpful video...
It is funny...the first time I screamed at the crazies...
At dinner one night...I WAS SICK OF IT...
I WAS ABOUT 14...I HAD COOKED A NICE DINNER...AND ONCE AGAIN THE CRAZIES WERE BRAWLING...
Before the butcher knife came out...
It was escalating..
I stood up and screamed " EVERYBODY SHUT THE F*CK UP!!! ( I NEVER CUSSED...)
Everyone was so shocked..they all sat down...not one word was spoken..just the sound of silverware...
We had a quiet dinner for once...
It did not last..but the ANGER was born..
It later turned into lifelong depression...
I was stuck in fight mode for years. It is only this year I am better regulated regarding my anger, its still a journey but I'm proud of my progress thus far
This is so accurate
Anna I really would like to thank you for helping me save my own life. It hurts me to hear you have felt such unimaginable pain, that as a child you wernt equip as a small child to deal with such feelings and experiences.
I wish these kind of experiences on no-one. But they happen, it happened for you, it happened for me, I appreciate your existence because you speak a language I understand.
Wow, thank you
-Cara@TeamFairy
~This was excellent!!!~
Hi Anna , I am new here, your channel appeared randomly on my YT feed. Then again there is nothing random or coincidental in the Universe, IMO! This is groundbreaking for me. I am currently going through huge transformation and the issues you discuss, especially the anger to "protect" oneself is very current for me. I am learning boundaries to avoid danger, which unfortunately seems to be family members, long story short, we grew up with a lot of violence and chaos and they learned to cope in ways that make me feel anxious and confused. Takes me right back to the badlands of childhood in my mind. I am taking back control and it takes a lot of work, but I am ready. Even writing this in a comment is therapy. You are a guardian angel. I have subscribed and hit the bell. Thank you for your channel. Emma - London, England
Thank you @Emma! I'm so glad you're here!
greetings and warm welcome miss emma from london england. welcome to the crappy childhood family of misfit toys. we all are dented and damaged somewhat but we all alike in our quest for healing from the badlands of childhood in our minds, as so wonderfully put by you. this is ground breaking and she is a guardian angel sent to us who for so long have personally suffered negotiating our crooked path in life that wasnt our fault. but there is healing in this with anna i can assure you because i am one healed and being healed.
Thank You 😪
So very timely as usual!
Perfect!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I needed this
Glad you were here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I’m general anger is NOT a healthy emotion. I’m so glad for this channel and how it is not just healing & teaching me but so many people I love who I share it with 💕
Wonderful -- thank you!
You talk a lot about disregulation, and there was a point pre-pandemic, where I felt very much regulated. And I was in a good place. I was relentlessly bullied as a child by family members. And I was left out a lot as a child so I struggled with this as an adult.
There was a point pre-pandemic where I felt sort of stabilized internally when it came to office place bullies leaving me out. But since the pandemic I felt so thrown off and I feel like I am back at square one trying to figure out how to get back regulated. And I am afraid that I will never be okay, all it will take is one event to shift me back to the place where I worked so hard to get out of.
Any advice ?
Yes, join us at Crappy Childhood Fairy! We will get you :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
idk how to express this in words, but this is good explanation about how to deal with my repressed anger and depression, thank you....
Glad it helped!
-Cara@TeamFairy
yo good talk. i think it's great to have your story for reference
I thought I was about healed from my childhood traumas, until someone scared me and then threatened me for asking them not to do it again... I'm trying to stop these cycles of rage and sadness I've been experiencing since it happened a week ago.
Thankfully I'm alone, so no embarrassment
An apology would mean alot.
... anger is not the solution. It scares me. Writing, for me, helps tremendously.
Me too!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This videos are really taking me down memory lane. I used to be quick to anger, then I did a lot of personal development courses and started to work on it. Actually I fixed it in a very unhealthy way in the end, 'cause cognitive therapy was a hard thing to do. I had to stop it cause my bf wouldn't tollerate negative emotions at all. If I lost it he would leave. Now my husband diff guy, I didn't marry the other guy. He is how I was back then, but he seems not to be bothered that what he is doing could cause me to leave him and even when I tell him he's over reacting he doubles down and even gets angry all over again. I think his father dying was what helped him, his father was a narcissist and abused him every day, now that constant negative feedback is gone and we can breathe. Only have his mother who is also a narcissist. But he still has outbursts, less often. He did it to his father in law. I thought, I'm the only one who can deal with it now. He gets told off ever time and I've told him it's chipping away at our marriage. He has destroyed my good will towards him, but we are friends and most of the time we get on fine. He refuses to do anything about it. Given what happened to me when I fixed my outbursts, I remember I couldn't stop myself either. I had to want not to lose the guy to fix it.
Hmph...no no no I'm ugly enough to myself and others holding back or fighting my rage without giving myself permission to rage...it's physically nauseating at the time and even speaking of it...