Story 1 parents are not the drama, its legit just insurance the same way a prenup is. The husband getting angry esp is a big sign that this escape fund is a good idea.
This exactly - the husband being upset over it gives me the vibes that he might be upset about it because it means that his wife doesn't have to be beholden to him - and it feels like he might be the type to hold the prenup over her/it strokes his ego that he's the one with the money ... his reaction really gives me this type of vibe.
For the first story, I think there's major red flags. I fled DV with my small child, and had to rely on charities to help me flee. I would've been able to get out a lot easier if I'd had a just in case fund. The abuser had been my partner and my child's father, and I'd thought he was a good guy. Then he hurt my child. People change, situations change, and abusers don't just become abusive overnight. So I think I'd rather every woman out there have an escape fund, rather than it be too late for them to get out.
The college/high school sister story reminds me of a program they had in my kindergarten where you received a bright yellow happy face sent home to your parents if you had a blue sad face for misbehavior the day before. But they didn’t give yellow happy faces to consistently good behaving kids. So one day I decided I’d do something bad enough to get a blue sad face so the next day I’d get the yellow smiley face. My mom was so confused why I got the blue face so I confessed my plan. She talked with the teacher and the next day all kids who had a good day got the yellow smiley faces. Sometimes we don’t see the need to reward consistency and dedication, but it matters. I think you are right though: celebrating both hard-earned change and consistent work is important.
You know, as a kindergarten teacher myself, I do catch myself overlooking the reliable students (the ones who listen, who participate, who know the answers, who don’t cause tantrums). After a few years teaching, I’ve set up a system where every other week, I make sure the reliable students feel that I appreciate them and their behavior and hard work and efforts.
@@IsraBeezyyeah, I’m thankful for a Mom who knew me so well that she was aware this was not how I normally was. She’s still my parenting role model as I parent my kids.
Yeah, it's good to celebrate achievements for everyone, and the parents definitely messed up there. If OP never got a celebration dinner for scoring high grades, or graduations, or doing well in school/uni, but sister gets a dinner for scoring passing grades, I can see where the resentment comes from. I don't fault for OP for feeling, and even expressing, their anger, but I do think the things OP said were not the way to go about it.
As a domestic violence survivor who was a SAHM, the just-in-case fund story gives me major red flags. Both of their reactions make me think that he may already be mistreating her or at least leaning into the power imbalance, and she is being gaslighted into believing that loving him equals trusting him to the point of being doomed if she tries to leave. If nothing else, they are both demonstrating immature understandings of love, marital commitment, and self-preservation.
thank you! I've had a few loved ones in abusive relationships and I could copy-paste the husband's reactions to my friends' partners (and their reaction as well). Coercive control has many different faces, and to be threatened by your partner's money is one of them
my thoughts exactly. But I want add one additional nugget: Isn't it telling, that in this society only women are the ones told at all that it is okay to hang your whole lifelyhood on the whims of one person? I bet the story would have gone very different if the woman was the one with the assets in the relationship and the husband the one that would stand there with nothing or at least very little in case of divorce.
Completely agree! Financial dependence is a big issue, not even just in the case of abuse but generally if for whatever reason one partners no longer feels they want to be in the relationship. Loving someone doesn’t mean having to give up everything for them.
@@hannajung7512I’ve read several stories on Reddit where a woman was called YTA for asking for a prenup for a lazy/entitled/etc partner. And then the op in those stories either leaves and is happy OR stays and is miserable. And then has to learn the hard lesson that staying just for a feeling is wrong.
In the celebration dinner story, I would have an ESH badge for OP and their parents, not the sibling. Reasons: -OP for calling the celebration dinner “pathetic” and “waste of my time.” Now, I understand (and can relate to) the anger from different treatments within the family. However, nothing justifies degrading someone’s accomplishments being celebrated. -The parents for creating such a toxic environment that also presents a hint of favoritism. It is more than possible to celebrate all children and their accomplishments.
As someone who has had to do summer school and eventually dropped out of highschool because they were refusing to work with us, yeah, there are cases where the school system is not a good fit for a person at all. My autism wasn't diagnosed until I was 17, so there very much is a possibility of a learning disorder that hasn't been diagnosed. The sister absolutely earned that celebration, but OP's parents also should've celebrated OP's achievements too.
this. the parents could and probably should have celebrated OPs athletic or otherwise "special" occasions if they took the constant academic achievements for granted (which is understandable, in a way). That they didn't is their fault and they suck. I actually do love Shabaas suggestion on talking about their feelings and needs, but that puts a little too much responsability on the child, OP, and not the parents.
First story makes me think of tropical reef fish. It's relevant, genuinely. In an aquarium with just a few hiding places, many reef fish feel insecure and spend most of their time hiding, or very close to their retreats, and disappear as soon as anything unfamiliar moves. Add more caves and hollows, and they spend a lot more time out and about, and being their full, colourful selves, and I just feel like in a relationship where both partners know that they _can_ zoom away at any time they need to, nobody is going to be feeling so insecure that they keep things bottled up and get all bitter and unhealthy with the fear of what would happen if they said what they meant, and the other partner didn't take it well, and so the relationship becomes much more open, honest, and healthy.
In the third story, I understand Shaaba's point that the family can and should celebrate all of each other's accomplishments. But as a high achieving oldest child who has been in this kind of situation a number of times, I would be annoyed too. I frequently wish I had started standing up to my family when I was younger, like in my early 20s like OP, instead of waiting to my mid thirties and having to have a lot of what feels like adolescent drama with my family well into adulthood. I'd recommend standing up for yourself, but firmly and without throwing insults around. It sounds like the way OP said it got pretty hostile and rude.
1st: NTD, but not sure your daughter's husband isn't. If he didn't want this to be an issue, he should have written a prenup that didn't leave the wife in potential financial straits. It seems a little like he doesn't like that this might give his wife more support. Is he controlling/insecure at all?
Agreed. A prenup is fine but there is a way to do it in a way that still respects the other partner ESPECIALLY if they are giving up financial independence in order to take care of the home and family. At the end of the day if they have a good marriage and never divorce, no harm done. As Shaaba said, do you want someone to be with you because they are financially dependent or because they want to be with you?!
Also… how is it rooting against them? If there marriage doesn’t fail then it’ll be issued to the daughter as inheritance. Is she not allowed to have inheritance too?!? He’s an AH and wants her to be in the gutter if they split 🤦🏾♀️. Red flag central
@@Taewills Yeah, it feels like he wants to make sure she can't leave him, or wants her to suffer if she ever does, and either way, red flags all around.
Absolutely! My girlfriend and I both want to be secure even if we marry. We sometimes discuss these things, and we are absolutely on the same page. Even if you love someone deeply, you still want to be safe. I mean, there could be many things happening that cause a breakup. Sometimes, it's not even someone's fault. Eather way people should have a prenup. It's not distrusting. It's just securing!
A just in case fund is a brilliant idea. Reality is, shit happens. Even with a long happy marriage, that savings could always come in handy for OP's daughter and son in law any other time as well.
2nd - I have a smiliar, although not so dramatic tale. My husband lost his ID 5 years ago. Since then I've been telling him he needs to replace it, it's a process, You need to get an appointment (usually nearest date is two to three weeks in the future, and then a month before you get it). He didn't, he said he's fine with drivers license. And now he suddenly has a work where he needs to cross the border. And drivers license doesn't cut it. We're in the EU, so no border control, but if there is (and it happens) it's a 20 euro fine. He had to fix it, and he did, he managed to get on a "emergency list", and will have his ID next week. What did I say? Nothing. It was difficult not to say "I told you so", but I didn't. I let him deal with it without any help, and tild him I'm glad it's done. He knows he ducked up. And he knows I know. Next time he procrastinates I will remind him about the ID debacle. But I will not kick him when he's already down.
Yeah I think you put that exactly right, don't kick somebody when they are already down. They already know what they did wrong and even if the exact words are not I told you so, the intention would be the same. It's just unnecessary.
I tend to agree when the situation itself isn't a major concern for safety (or liability) but garden sheers on the ledge above the stairway to the basement? She's lucky all she severed was her toe and not someone else's. Seems like a pretty fair question and while it might sting to hear in the moment, doubt it stings worse than her toe. 🤣
"No, she just didn't turn stuff in and was failing." in response to if the sister has a learning disability has me FUMING. that 's EXACTLY what was said of me from 6th grade to graduation (age 11-18). it was always "you have so much potential, you're just not doing the work" and "you're just being lazy" and "you're so smart i don't understand" and "it's not that hard, just do it." SURPRISE!!! i was autistic with adhd the ENTIRE TIME! and i was going through severe burnout, which lead to constant fatigue, anxiety, brain fog, physical illness, depression, s*icidal ideation, and more. i couldn't do my homework because i was too busy sleeping from how exhausted i was emotionally and physically after a day of school, and when i DID do my homework i was lucky if my adhd and brain fog allowed me to remember it and get it turned in! i wasn't diagnosed until i was **21** over 3 years after barely graduating. i still had burnout to that point, too. i'm 24 and STILL recovering from the burnout school put me through. when someone is struggling in school THERE IS A REASON, learning disability or not. "they just don't turn in the work" is such an absurd thing to say when behind that could be someone wanting to end their life and you would never ever know that by looking at them, or even living with them.
Yes yes yes! This is my experience too! The word “potential” triggers me so much because it’s always been used in my school reports and at work and just ALL THE TIME and it’s so frustrating because it’s true, I get where they’re coming from - I’m intelligent and capable… but only when my brain allows it and I don’t feel in control of it. I’ve always felt like I have zero willpower and motivation and it’s my biggest downfall that I’m so unreliable. I hate it sooo much but I really can’t help it and I’m not lazy, I actually try so hard but sometimes I just CAN’T! It’s so difficult to explain, I guess neurotypical people don’t experience it or something and are just like “mate just finish your homework quickly and then you can relax” and in theory that makes so much sense and I would have loved to do all my work on a Friday night and enjoy my weekends but it’s not that simple and I would always be wasting my weekend stressing about the things I need to do and never being fully present in any weekend job or social activity I would end up doing because of the homework stress weighing on me and then still not actually doing my homework until the hours of 9pm and 3am on a Sunday night and hating myself for it every time. ADHD is absolutely disabling and it’s so unfair and upsetting that we can’t just plonk our brains on someone else’s head to show them how hard it is because trying to explain the reason for not doing things always sounds so petty like a silly excuse but it isn’t!
@@jacksonlevy5464 if she was “genuinely lazy” she wouldn’t put in all the work to hide her missing work and grades, would she? it is SO much more likely that something is going on with her whether it be an undiagnosed disability, mental health issues, friendship/relationship drama, bullying, or whatever else than for it to just be pure laziness. my point wasn’t to say what IS going on with her, or that she’s going through the same thing i did, my point is that YOU CAN’T KNOW what’s going on from the outside. when i got my diagnoses, the thing i heard the most from my family and old friends was “i had no idea. you seemed fine. i would have never known.” despite my condition being so severe that i went catatonic for months. if THAT went unnoticed, what kind of stuff do you think others could go through with it still just looking like “being lazy” on the outside?
@@pbkathleen SO MANY people would do that. Glad your experience has been different, but the world is full of assholes who think actually doing work is beneath them. Also, everyone has friendship problems and personal drama. The world doesn't stop just bc you're sad, especially not if you don't communicate about it. And fwiw, you can't know any better than I can. Maybe it's time to touch some grass.
I came here to say very similar! Granted, we don't know anything about teenage sister beyond a few sentences from OP, but as somebody who was branded as lazy in secondary school and had to bust my hump to "apply myself" to scrape by enough to get a conditional acceptance to uni, then figured out in my 30s that it was ADHD and not me being a brat after all, the sentiment of this kid sounded really familiar. Whether or not this kid has adhd or something else going on, we can't know. But knowing you have to do the work and not being able to bring yourself to do it anyway? There's *something* going on there, that deserves a little grace and maybe looking into the why of it. It'd be great if the parents would celebrate both kids' achievements for sure, but yeah. It's rarely if ever just laziness.
My younger sister was always more athletically inclined but struggled with school. Not for lack of trying and would often get compared to me, the 'smarter' older sister. It was a massive insecurity for her and caused a lot of anger and resentment between us because our parents celebrated my high grades and punished her for not achieving the same. Her athletic ability was shrugged off because it wasn't as 'important' to my parents. Until my sister and I actually sat down to discuss our conflict and realised almost all of it stemmed from our parents values and ideas of what 'success' was. I helped her with her academics to do the best she could and she helped me with athletic pursuits until eventually we were both so supportive of each other, despite our parents failing to acknowledge that we are different people. We always celebrate each others achievements because what is a good grade for her may look like a bad one for me, but the key is it is good for her! In the same way that me running a 5km is a massive achievement for me, but a normal weekend for her. The key is recognising our differences and celebrating them, while also acknowledging our own short comings and helping each other be the best and happiest possible version of ourselves. Our parents still do not embrace this and probably never will. But through intensive self reflection, healthy conflict resolution and communication and embracing each other for who we are... We have formed a deep, life-long connection and are each others biggest supporter. The parents in OP's post need to take a good long look at what they consider an achievement and worthy of celebration. Just because OP gets good grades doesn't mean it is easy or expected of them. Celebrate the sister for putting in the work and improving herself, but also celebrate OP for their achievements. Sorry for the long ramble. Hope this helps somebody realise that our parents aren't always the bastion of healthy behaviour. Absolutely adore you Shaaba and look forward to every single video you post. Lots of hugs and love from a fan.
I really feel for the girl who was failing her classes. I have 2 brothers and they're both *super* smart. I, however, am not. I ended up at an alternative school as a last resort and luckily graduated on time. I always celebrated my brothers' achievements and would be so sad if they didn't celebrate mine. Both sisters deserve recognition but the story made me very sad
I think part of the issue is that the older sister's accomplishments _aren't_ being celebrated. And also not just that the younger sister struggles more, but that she actively doesn't even try and has a history of trying to hide her lack of effort. If it was a case of OP saying "Hey, my accomplishments are also celebrated, and my sis has been legit trying this whole time, but just struggles more academically than I do, so we're meeting her where she's at," then OP would absolutely be in the wrong.
@@OldNewsIsGoodNews no, I know, I said that op should be celebrated as well. Just as someone who was in a similar situation, I would feel really awful if I heard my sibling saying that about me. That's all I'm saying. And like Shaaba said, we don't know if the younger sister was struggling with mental health, executive dysfunction, or undiagnosed conditions. I personally don't feel comfortable just assuming the younger sister was just being lazy and choosing to be that way. The fact that she was able to get up to a C grade tells me that she wanted to pass. "Hiding her lack of effort" could be out of shame. Not saying I'm right, but explaining where I'm coming from
@@frogonwall I think that's part of why, despite Shaaba's confusion, a clarifying question like that one brought up in the comments is important and edifying. Of course, in any AITA thread, we don't know what we don't know or if the OP isn't sharing something. But it is edifying for the OP to say they don't know of any extenuating circumstances. And the fact that younger sis is actively hiding her misbehavior is telling to me. What you said about you celebrating your siblings' accomplishments and also that you went to get help, not that you were actively squirreling away intentional misbehavior, tells me a lot about, "Yeah, if you were my sib, I'd want to pump you the frak up cause what you accomplished *was* actually a big deal, and you are clearly there for your sibs, as well." (And the OP blew up at her parents, not at her sis.)
@@frogonwall All that said, I would be curious about the sister's side of things. (I went to r/AITA to see if I could do more sleuthing, and thought I had a bingo for more info re: the OP at least, but alas, false alarm.)
@@OldNewsIsGoodNewsthing is, we don’t know that the sister isn’t trying. we have no way of knowing, the only one who actually knows that is her. and just because OP doesn’t say the insult to her sisters face doesn’t mean it isn’t still an assholey thing to say.
To use a Bible reference, OP in the third story made me think of the brother in the parable of the prodigal son. When the father throws a party because his other son returns home the other brother sulks because the dad never threw him a party for anything.
I have been in the same situation where my sibling was promised reward for bare minumum, but I never recieved anything for going beyond the expectations. I have felt hurt, it felt like any of my effort was never acknowledged. It created this feeling to adulhood that will never recieve and validation from my family. Years later, I do definetely still see this dynamic of my mum caring more about the "bad" kids in our family. I basically was always told not to rock the boat when I was hurt or bellitled by them. But when they were hurt by me standing up for myself, I was always told off. I also happen to be the youngest. So I am more likely to side with someone who is going through something similar, though of course - the parents are to be blamed in these situations.
With the toe story it’s, for example, like a kid not wanting to wear a jacket. When the kid is inevitably then cold, a parent doesn’t necessarily need to say I told you so
it's actually really good you bring that up because, if you are a parent with a small child in that kind of scenario, you might actually want to say something like "Gosh, maybe next time we should bring our jackets, just in case!" because it's your job to teach kiddo about cause and effect, consequences and responsibility, how to make healthy choices etc. But this story, these are grown adults and your partner is not your child so yeah no, it's not your place to have a teaching moment.
@@kittysunloverI love the phrasing "we should bring..." Cause if any phrasing is far away from "told you so..." It is this one. It doesn't center about who s responsible but it circles around how can we improve the situation together ...
@@flotenstimme4608Thank you! I am neither a parent nor any kind of expert in the topic so idk, maybe there's an even better way to handle that. But my general philosophy is that interpersonal relationship stuff is almost always better when viewed as a cooperation rather than a competition. Telling a partner "I told you so" is about being right, or a me vs you aka competitive attitude. "How can we fix this together" (when said partner is ready for solutions) is cooperative. And to circle back to parenting, I think there's some merit in the idea that if your kiddo views you as part of their team (rather than the authority figure they have to do battle with), you're both just gonna have an easier time of it.
Happy birthday 🎈🎂🎈 Any parent that leaves the workforce should try to have a just in case fund. Your career takes a hit and you may need to go back to school and need those funds to cover you until you return. Son in law getting whiny when there's a freaking prenup is peak hypocrisy
those first parents are NOT the drama, our family would have been insanely better off if we had something like this!! Nobody ever thought my parents would split for almost 20 years but they did and it was MESSY and traumatic, my mum had been a housewife the whole marriage and when my dad took his income and stable job and left her with two kids and a mortgage, it was horrific. If my mum had had a just in case fund like that, we wouldn’t have been in so much financial stress for so many years, if only my mums parents were that caring T-T
Story 2: YTA comment hits the nail on the head, this ain't the time to be pushing the fact that you're right about the ledge, which they are but still, wait till after the healing and use it as a cautionary tale Also just because you don't use the words "I told you so" doesn't mean you aren't saying it...
Honestly I think “I told you so” would be less hurtful than “what were you thinking???” I told you so is smug and annoying but what were you thinking makes you sound like you think the other person is an idiot.
NAH for me because of the 8 year old. If OP told the full story, this was a pattern that was forming for her and she got a rather abrupt wake-up call. It would have been a thousand times worse had that wake-up call come from having to take their child to the emergency room and explain how they were hurt.
I would have had to say it. Logically, I understand that I'm unreasonably overprotective, but I genuinely get upset with my husband when he cuts himself shaving or gets sunburned because he didn't put on sunscreen. If he cut off his toe doing something preventable that I had warned him about, I'd be very upset because he was hurt with the same intensity that I empathized with him for being hurt. He'd expect it, too. He knew what he was getting himself into when he married me.
In the college story, I feel like Shaaba's assuming OP's university is anywhere close to where they live. But if it isn't, the parents are asking OP to travel (spending time & money & STUDY TIME) to attend this single dinner to celebrate OP's sister. Basically, parents be saying "your time, money, studies DO NOT MATTER TO US because sister did a thing." And that's not ok.
Yeah i disagreed on this one too, for similar reasons. When I'm studying I'm really intense about time management, and losing that much time for studying would adversely affect my grades. My sibling was always celebrated for mediocre grades, and since I didn't "struggle" (yet made myself sick by how much time I put to studying.. ok) for my grades, I got nothing. I left home at 18 and never went back.
I went to college 6 hours away from home so I get it but I don't think OP specified the distance as a reason for not going. If it was, it's more ahole-y imo to make a dig at their sister instead of just saying they can't.
Except then OP could have given that as a reason, rather than putting down the sister's accomplishments. Besides, you're ALSO assuming that that's the real issue when OP did not mention problems like that. Either way I still think the parents are the ones that really screwed up here. But OP should still call them out for not appreciating her work enough, instead of saying what she did (though i can imagine it being an impulsive thing because she was understandably hurt). I just think Shaaba is very much correct about OP taking her feelings out on her sister instead of bringing up the real issue. I realize the sister was also irresponsible BUT she's a teenager AND she did some real self improvement when she needed to. I can see why the parents would want to encourage that. Again, the problem is the parents not taking OP's feelings and hard work into account. It's easy to see how that's hurtful but cancelling because you think the celebration is 'pathetic' just sounds like lashing out at the wrong target.
Also like she said it to the parents not her sister.... She didn't take it out on her sister. She took it out on the cause of it, not in the best way but still. Also like Shaaba, she didn't turn her homework in. Just turning it in gives points even if its wrong. The girl put no effort in, she put in the effort to hide it. She could've just tried and handed it in. Like highschool in the states is problematicly easy (lol made up word just an example of my schooling loooooool). That story made me so frustrated with her response to it
Story 1 got me thinking (not related to the actual question being asked, just the circumstances being described) about the prenup concept specifically in a couple where one of them is a housewife/stay at home mom. Because the relationship they have allows or requires her to not have a career. If they were to get divorced after 10 years, he's had career advancement and building of assets but she hasn't, and the reason she hasn't is because she's been taking care of HIM so that he could work. It stagnates her financial situation without any compensation. It feels, in this sort of situation, pretty sketchy to me for one spouse to have a prenup and then expect the other to do unpaid labor in service of their career. The fact that a husband who has created that kind of dependency on him by his wife has a problem with her having a just-in-case fund does raise some alarm bells for me. On the other hand, it's possible his issue isn't with her HAVING a fund like that, but that he feels hurt by how he heard about it. The parents didn't tell him, his wife (who was angry about it) did, so he very likely heard about it in the worst wording possible, and was made to feel like his in-laws don't trust him to support their daughter. I agree with the badge, it's just an interesting situation.
I honestly think you’re optimistic about the parents celebrating the achievements of both daughters. And it makes me sad thinking that, since you’re right but when you said it I thought “they aren’t going to celebrate college girl”
A friend of mine tried to make saying that a thing in about 2004 😆 he then had a somewhat successful Flash game called Hapland and as a result I ended up with the username Hapfairy which I still use everywhere (and have to explain to people in shops a lot lol)
For the second story, instead of just nagging her, solve the problem!! She obviously wants shelf space. So either build or buy a shelf outside the stairs for her. It solves the problem without the passive aggressiveness.
Regarding the celebration story - my mom has a saying that I am going to translate badly: Happy occasions need to be created since trouble comes all on its own. It basically means 'use every opportunity to celebrate absolutely anything, life's hard enough'
i disagree on the story with the sisters. as an older sibling who didn't have their achievements celebrated the same way my younger sibling did, i understand op's resentment and i don't think it's fair to demand they come to the sister's dinner. if the parents want to celebrate her passing, sure, and she does deserve it. but it's not fair to demand op attend, it would just make her feel miserable all evening and maybe even lead to a conflict during the dinner itself. she didn't need to phrase it that way, but she is perfectly justified in her feelings anf forcing her to come anyway and pretend to be happy for her sister wouldn't have done any good. if possible they should have a conversation with their parents about not feeling appreciated later
Totally this, as the older sibling I got a CD for.doing well in my exams, my brother got £50 per B grade and a PlayStation for passing his exams. That happened all through our education, I'd get something small because it was expected I would do well and be fine. He got everything as bride to study and then a celebration that he did it. It can really build up and you can directly see the disparity in how you are treated. If you celebrate one child you should celebrate the other ones' achievements as well.
I agree with you on this. The parents should respect that because they didn't celebrate the older sister's accomplishments the same way they're celebrating the younger sister's, they can't and shouldn't expect the older sibling to attend the celebration. As the older sibling in my family, this resonates with me as well. I would agree with her, it would be a total waste of time for the older sister to attend. Nothing but resentment for not being treated equally would be her prize for being forced to attend.
i still think op is TA for downplaying their sister's achievements. Sure they may have some resentment to their parents for not celebrating THEM, but thay does not mean they get to take it out on their sister and claim it's "pathetic" to celebrate her when she worked hard to get where she was, even if it was only a C. i feel like that point is getting ignored with everyone saying NTA, it's not being upset that makes them wrong, it's that they looked down on the effort their sister put because it wasn't perfect. THAT is the problem with story, which was the point shaba made
@@AstronomicalJellyto be fair though, OP is saying this to her parents and not to her sister. And we don’t have enough info to know if the sister really struggles in a school environment or if she’s just irresponsible.
@@Shoulderpads-mcgeetbh it’s pretty safe to assume the sister struggles with the school environment in some way. it’s not at all uncommon to struggle in school due to unseen factors, even if it seems like “irresponsibility”, it could easily be mental health issues or a learning disability like ADHD or something within the school environment or her life itself.
I’ve just dislocated my knee at school today and waited on the ground of my sports field for 6 hours whislt waiting for the ambulance and have just got home and am straight onto my comfort channel
17:53 i very strongly agree with you here, this was absolutely not the right time to talk to the wife like that it's something my parents, especially my father constantly to me, I'm feeling bad they always find a way to make me feel (even more) guilty for what happened, especially when I'm sick or already feeling really down, e.g. a "mild" example: if I'd missed a train to uni for an exam, my dad would just comment on how I should have left earlier, which I already know and feel bad about, but is absolutely not contributing to how I'll get to uni on time now to take the exam likewise in the post he's just making the wife feel ashamed when shes literally just gotten her toes stiched back on her foot, instead of helping her deal with it first and having a conversation about how to prevent this happening again, when shes feeling better
My husband and I have been together for 15 years this month, married for 10, this year. We don't have a prenup, but he has told me that if I ever decide to I want a divorce, or if he decides it, he'll give me enough money to start over somewhere else. I'm a homemaker, with very little job experience. I'll never take him up on the offer, but I'm thankful that he's willing to help me out. Both of our parents are divorced.
With the first one, instead of calling it a "just in case fund for if you ever break up", calling it a "just in case fund for any major setbacks that you unexpectantly can't cover" would be a better way of going about it. This way, if something like a break up occurs, then fine, but if it's aimed as a catch-all like if a roof caves in or a medical emergency or unfair eviction or their daughter (or even husband in law, because women can be abusers too) needs to leave, it's there for them to be aware of. This is coming from a sort of similar experience when I was first starting college. My mother and the rest of my family, while being mostly supportive of what I wanted to do as a major and eventual career, everyone kept saying "Have this other major as well just in case you aren't successful and have something to fall back on." I understood what they were saying, because having a successful job in the arts isn't always guaranteed, but it constantly felt that they didn't believe in me and didn't actually support me. So from the daughter's perspective (and the husband's too), I can see why they would be upset depending on the words said to describe the fund or the context it was brought up.
The thing is, it's not just for major life events, it's specifically in case of a divorce. Exactly like a prenup. The husband was all fine with a prenup to protect his assets, but upset at a fund to protect his wife in case of divorce? Yikes. Why does he not feel insulted with a prenup, that is not beneficial to his wife? Both are just in case a divorce happens.
Happy Birthday!! With the 1st story I was also thinking that it's good to have security not just in the case of divorce/breaking up but what if the husband unexpectedly passed away or became disabled in some way and wasn't able to continue working for whatever reason. I think a just in case fund is super helpful just in case ANYTHING happens not just a divorce.
Good point, didn't even think about that despite having lost my father almost 3 years ago. That was one of my first thoughts when he died, terrified my mom would be in even more stress.
It depends on the difference in wealth and how the discussion was handled. Husband getting upset that they've created this account as a backup plan for their daughter seems like a red flag to me, like maybe he uses his money to control the daughter and he worries he might lose control if she knows she has a way out.
It’s no different than parents putting savings away for an inheritance or knowing their children may struggle to save. The parents could use the money for any unexpected medical bills for their daughter and grandchildren. Honesty the parents could have put the money aside and not said anything.
@@kristalpower292 I understand the logic of telling the daughter though, so that she knows in case she needs it. It may not even be wanting to leave the relationship, but could be a health issue, something for the child, or anything else that comes up.
@@kristalpower292nah I think it was good that they told daughter. The dad was right that if his daughter was aware of the fund as a way out, she could end up staying in a bad situation, if a bad situation were to happen of course. One of most common reasons people stay in abusive relationships is because of financial dependency. This is especially danger for stay at home parents because if they want to leave, how will they pay for a place to live of their own food if they have no funds of their own?
It was really cute how you giggled every time you read an adjective/adverb. And yeah you're allowed to say no to a name just because the vibes! They are off!
3: ESH. OP shouldn't have phrased it like that, but I get it. Their sister actively hid things from the parents. She did everything she could to avoid doing her work, probably putting more effort into hiding it than it would have taken to do it. The fact that she's doing the bare minimum probably should be rewarded as a way to encourage future good behavior. I'm not sure that a *dinner* is the way to go. Lunch maybe? It really stnks that OP's accomplishments aren't getting any cudos. Guessing she was the "good girl"? Maybe OP should discuss with her parents why they feel that way.
The story about the name really hit me. When I was pregnant with my child, I had a really hard time finding names I liked. I was an elementary school teacher and inevitably I had a child by this name or that name or dealt with a child with this other name and I then couldn't stand the idea of naming my child that name. Finally, when they were born someone suggested a name, and while I had had a student by that name, the student had been a very enjoyable and kind person and still was so thank goodness someone suggested that name.
Shaaba in the story where the unfortunate woman had a traumatic amputation of her toe, I have an unpopular opinion: the husband didn't say I told you so, the wife did. She recalled the many warnings from him after being injured and felt embarrassment and possibly shame at him having been proven right, so when he questioned her thought process what she heard was him saying I told you so. I see myself in her. And I also "hear" the I told you so in my husband's voice when he questions why I thought running on the stairs with a dodgy hip was a good idea while helping me back up and assessing injuries.
Story 3: NTD, asking her to come back for a dinner on a specific day may not be convenient, she is allowed to refuse, she shouldn't be guilt trip for it, regardless of her reasons. Also, the parents need to think about how she may feel, they should be more careful
Happy birthday shabaa! I'm so greatful for your RUclips channel and other channels that talk about LGBTQIA+ issues (jammiedodger, rolly, queer kiwi, the click and more). I used to be quite conservative and bigoted (mostly transphobic, sexist and abelist but also a bit homophobic and a few other forms of bigotry). This was partialy because of stuff my dad taught me and due to falling down an internet rabbit hole. But you're videos and all the other channels that I mentioned earlier helped me realize how dumb all my belifs were and helped me realize that I'm trans and pansexual.
for my family, my parents would celebrate when my sibling got a 6/10, because that meant they hadn’t worked themselves to the bone to get a good grade, while for my other sibling they would celebrate when they got a 9/10, because that meant they did very well. whatever’s important and worth celebrating should be celebrated!
My little talk regarding the one abt the grades being celebrated: sister sounds very similar to my experience. I was constantly getting detentions and failing classes because I "wouldn't turn in work." I thought I was just lazy and that there was no reason for my to be like that when I know I could do well if I "tried." Turns out, untreated ADHD makes you unable to complete stuff no matter how much you want to get it done! We don't know the sister's story, but it just sounds too similar for it to be a coincidence
As an underappretiated child myself, i can agree with not wanting to attend such a celebratory dinner for a barely passing sibling. However, the way that OP when about expressing their distaste was overkill. That would have been better said as a conversation about how OP felt about it rather than dismissing younger sister's turnaround.
I agree with Shaaba on story 3. OP in that story should recognize where her feelings are coming from and address that issue with her parents. But it might not go smoothly and she might not be able to if she knows they don't have a good history of communication to begin with. She doesn't have to go, but she shouldn't make the issue about the sister when it's about the parents
Shaaba- I'm so happy you're open about your neurodivergent brain because I relate to so many things 😂 I have an SU-V partly in case I need to haul a large thing by myself. Can I think of anything I need to haul? No. But it's nice to know that if I needed to, I could
Someday one of your friends or family members is gonna need something hauled and you’re gonna swoop in and save the day with your SU-V. If you were in a fictional story, that’d be Chekov’s SU-V
In the first story, I wonder how long it's been between informing them of the fund and the question posed on Reddit. If it just happened and you're questioning their initial reaction, it may take some time for them to calm down and absorb the implications and see that you're not being malicious. If it's been a while and they're still upset, that's another matter. I also wonder if her parents have meddled in other affairs of hers and she sees this as them trying to preemptively be heros or as trying to drive a wedge between her and her husband. I agree that it's unfair to have her sign a pre-nup but not have a back-up plan in case things somehow don't work out. I think a lot of divorces are messy, so there's this impression that terrible things will happen leading to one, but there are also plenty of people who realize that down the line things just aren't working out any more. Is not shameful. It's honest, and it's good to be aware that that could happen in the future.
26:26 I totally understand OP’s point here. I can see how she might be the drama, but I know from personal experience how this might have a huge negative impact on your self esteem or self worth. Yeah it’s great she passed, but I think we’re missing the part that she was erasing the emails that she was failing from her parent’s emails. That shows not just laziness, but deliberate effort to hide it from their parents. I think sister and parents are definitely the drama.
Story 2: NAH I feel like in these types of story an undue amount of expectation is placed on the person who did not have the accident. It's always some version of "Why would you say that to them after what they've just been through?!" Using this post as the example "Your wife just needed to have her toe reattached! Don't lecture her now!" But this completely disregards the heightened emotional state OP must have been in driving home with her in that moment. Seriously. OP heard a scream of pain, came running, saw her fallen with blood, probably had to figure out exactly what the injury was, had to figure out how to get her back upstairs whilst worrying about blood loss, had to handle a severed toe long enough to put it on ice, either called an ambulance or drove her to the hospital personally, then had to wait whilst doctors took over. I'd have been a wreck! So the fact that OP slipped up by asking why after all that, without explicitly saying I told you so, I've got to say ot reads as stress more than condescension to me.
So, I'm an apocalyptomist - I believe in being prepared for the worst and hoping for the best - so even if the worst does happen, then I'm prepared for it and it won't be as bad.
I'm supportive of just-in-case funds (I've also heard of "go bags" being talked about in a similar vein) but I think only problem or worry I might have about a just-in-case fun, if it was set up by my parents, is the fear that they might hold it over my head or use it as a reason to be more involved in my personal life than I'd necessarily want them to be. Or maybe that they'd try to influence my decisions and treat it almost like a bribe. I don't think my parents would do that or anything, but there are sometimes situations in which I feel like they're still trying to lecture me or provide commentary on my life, and in the same vein they can sometimes come off as entitled to information about my life.
3: If the younger sister has ADHD or something, then she totally deserves a shout-out for finally being able to scrape by. But if she's just a slacker or a bimbo, then the parents are just desperate and relieved and their daughter needs to either aim higher or take what she gets in terms of praise. Whereas the elder sister consistently worked hard and likely craved parental approval by overachieving and even potentially being very stressed and feeling internal pressure to be perfect. This is classic oldest child problems. You kill yourself to be the best you can with no recognition and when they finally manage to turn in a single assignment they get a party.
Happy Birthday, Shaaba! I got to yell that at you at Seattle Public Library the other day, but it won't hurt to say it again and drive your engagement metrics. I was the clocky middle age trans woman with the blue and purple hair. Your grace and patience with that huge crowd was superhuman. You're wonderful in every way. Keep being you; the world needs more of it.
dude fire episode and I agree with all of your decisions and feel like I heard a lot of different perspectives that I hadn't considered. I love it. Hope you and Jammie are enjoying the tour!!
Etymology time! Happy used to mean something more along the lines of lucky - you were "happy" if, for example, all four of your children survived to adulthood, not because you were overjoyed about it but because it meant that none of them died in infancy of some childhood disease, or farm accident, or drowning in the river, etc. As these things did tend to make one joyful as well, happy eventually changed over time to its modern meaning "glad", and we use "lucky" instead when we're talking about whether the things that happen to someone tend to be more positive or negative. So happy does work as an example of "word + y meaning Like Word", you just have to dig a little more into the meaning.
Honestly, a 'just in case' fund sounds like a really good idea. My mum was left with nothing after we were kicked out of our step father's house. She had got rid of all our furniture as we couldn't fit it into his place. She had paid him rent the whole time we were living with him, as well as buying all the food we ate. Then, she was also paying rent for her shop and everything she needed for that. She just constantly had barely any money.
The college story: I think that by calling OP the drama for not wanting to go and saying they have to celebrate their sisters accomplishments is discrediting their feelings. I think they should have worded things a bit different, but to say they are the drama for how they are feeling...idk, I don't agree with that. I think that my thoughts are coming as someone who has celebrated others but not been celebrated for my accomplishments. Just get tired of it after a while and don't want to do it.
I went to school with a Kyle who I almost never spoke to and years later found out he was a creep whenever he out of nowhere started messaging me on Facebook. He ended up sending me a picture of a certain part of his body for whatever reason 💀
Absolutely love your channel Shaaba! Your AITA vids do exactly what they say on the tin because I always come out of them with my mindset expanded and my own judgements, presumptions & bias challenged in a healthy way that will help me and my loved ones navigate issues that arise in the crazy world! Hope the book tour is going well and you're having a nice time! 💛
Happy Pride Everyone ❤🧡💛💚💙💜This is your regular reminder that you're all awesome, beautiful and valid little beans, just the way you are ❤🧡💛💚💙💜Love you all ❤🧡💛💚💙💜 And Happy Birthday Shaaba 🎉🎂🥳
The problem with this prenup is it apparently prevents alimony and child support sufficient for the wife to continue her work inside the home through the end of childhood. If that innings fundamentally unfair for her.
Shaaba, you are not alone in the "what if there is a zombie apocalypse" thoughts. That's like the only reason I exercise - so I can out run and fight zombies. I also lived through a bad earthquake, so I actually do want a Just In Case box of food, water, torch and batteries, first aid etc
"Are you just wanting to vent, do you want me to just listen closely for more later, or do you need me to help/intervene?" I've made a habit of asking the close, intimate people in my life this when I see they're getting ready to have a ... passionate conversation (even if it's one-sided). And yes, I'll be as polite but obvious as I can be with something like, "Look, I know you've got something you want/need to say. So....." then insert the first line. That little reflex has been ... amazingly helpful. Not because I get lassoed into things, but rather because it gives the person an extra moment to think, and to gauge what they might actually need right then. It gives them just that brief moment to either cool down a bit if it's something they're wanting help with, or even to ratchet up the angry vitriol-venom if they *really* want to vent. It also signals that I'm there, willing to listen and nod consolingly, or put on my own thinking hat to formulate a solution with/for them. (No, I don't believe they *must* do only what I say. No, I'm not trying to force a situation to my benefit and their detriment. But if I have to formulate a solution, then at least I can point out things they either can't or won't see. And that will hopefully give them more options than they might have thought about.) And that way, there's no confusion or bad expectations from their statements.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHABAA!🎉🎉 I hope you have a great day, and I hope the tour is going amazing! Wish I could have gone to see you guys, hopefully I’ll get a chance another time!
Celebration dinner: Sister bringing up her grades is definitely an achievement. My only qualm about the dinner is the fact that sister had been deleting emails to the parents. Was she already trying to fix the problem and just looking for more time? Or was she just trying to avoid having to deal with it? If the latter, then I'm not sure a celebration is in order.
If the “just in case fund” is only available for divorce or separation then yes OP is the drama. It sounds like if their daughter’s little family gets hit on hard times or husband loses his job etc they don’t want husband to get the money in an emergency that’s toxic behavior
Omg yes, I work in retail and play the "just in case of zombie apocalypse" game whenever I check outdates in the food aisles! Like "okay, if I get stuck in the store when the zombies attack, how should the food be rationed out?" (If it's in a can, save it for last, basically). Or in the housewares aisle, I'll see the hammers are in stock and think "okay, good to know, just in case". So, no, totally not weird at all that you do that! It's not like I WANT to be stuck at my store if zombies attack, it's not like I want zombies period, but it feels like I'm mentally preparing myself just in case the impossible occurs. Like at work, they have us review the video on workplace violence every year. It's not that the company wants us to have to use that knowledge, but it will be good that we do know it if the absolute worst should occur.
As a Kylie i do like my name and I am happy i am named this ( i was not named after any celeb). BUT i have ALWAYS been called Kyle throughout my life and have just learned to accept that people can’t see the’i’ in my name. Anyways that story made me laugh. I am Kyle-ey haha 😂
Story 1 parents are not the drama, its legit just insurance the same way a prenup is. The husband getting angry esp is a big sign that this escape fund is a good idea.
Yeah, isn't a prenup essentially the same thing. The husband's in case we divorce plan.
Also the money could be used if someone ends up in hospital or something serious that they might not be able to afford.
yep, if the husband has a prenup to protect himself in case of divorce I don't see how he has a leg to stand on. Controlling and selfish.
The HUSBAND is the only one I could see being the drauma
This exactly - the husband being upset over it gives me the vibes that he might be upset about it because it means that his wife doesn't have to be beholden to him - and it feels like he might be the type to hold the prenup over her/it strokes his ego that he's the one with the money ... his reaction really gives me this type of vibe.
For the first story, I think there's major red flags. I fled DV with my small child, and had to rely on charities to help me flee. I would've been able to get out a lot easier if I'd had a just in case fund. The abuser had been my partner and my child's father, and I'd thought he was a good guy. Then he hurt my child. People change, situations change, and abusers don't just become abusive overnight. So I think I'd rather every woman out there have an escape fund, rather than it be too late for them to get out.
The college/high school sister story reminds me of a program they had in my kindergarten where you received a bright yellow happy face sent home to your parents if you had a blue sad face for misbehavior the day before. But they didn’t give yellow happy faces to consistently good behaving kids. So one day I decided I’d do something bad enough to get a blue sad face so the next day I’d get the yellow smiley face. My mom was so confused why I got the blue face so I confessed my plan. She talked with the teacher and the next day all kids who had a good day got the yellow smiley faces. Sometimes we don’t see the need to reward consistency and dedication, but it matters. I think you are right though: celebrating both hard-earned change and consistent work is important.
You know, as a kindergarten teacher myself, I do catch myself overlooking the reliable students (the ones who listen, who participate, who know the answers, who don’t cause tantrums). After a few years teaching, I’ve set up a system where every other week, I make sure the reliable students feel that I appreciate them and their behavior and hard work and efforts.
I love that your mother immediately knew that something was up instead of just assuming you had a bad day.
😂 wholesome parenting!
@@tabathaalshalhoub1653 that’s great! We need great teachers like you.
@@IsraBeezyyeah, I’m thankful for a Mom who knew me so well that she was aware this was not how I normally was. She’s still my parenting role model as I parent my kids.
Yeah, it's good to celebrate achievements for everyone, and the parents definitely messed up there. If OP never got a celebration dinner for scoring high grades, or graduations, or doing well in school/uni, but sister gets a dinner for scoring passing grades, I can see where the resentment comes from. I don't fault for OP for feeling, and even expressing, their anger, but I do think the things OP said were not the way to go about it.
As a domestic violence survivor who was a SAHM, the just-in-case fund story gives me major red flags. Both of their reactions make me think that he may already be mistreating her or at least leaning into the power imbalance, and she is being gaslighted into believing that loving him equals trusting him to the point of being doomed if she tries to leave. If nothing else, they are both demonstrating immature understandings of love, marital commitment, and self-preservation.
thank you! I've had a few loved ones in abusive relationships and I could copy-paste the husband's reactions to my friends' partners (and their reaction as well). Coercive control has many different faces, and to be threatened by your partner's money is one of them
my thoughts exactly. But I want add one additional nugget: Isn't it telling, that in this society only women are the ones told at all that it is okay to hang your whole lifelyhood on the whims of one person? I bet the story would have gone very different if the woman was the one with the assets in the relationship and the husband the one that would stand there with nothing or at least very little in case of divorce.
@@hannajung7512This is a VERY good point. A man doing that would likely be ridiculed and emasculated.
Completely agree! Financial dependence is a big issue, not even just in the case of abuse but generally if for whatever reason one partners no longer feels they want to be in the relationship. Loving someone doesn’t mean having to give up everything for them.
@@hannajung7512I’ve read several stories on Reddit where a woman was called YTA for asking for a prenup for a lazy/entitled/etc partner. And then the op in those stories either leaves and is happy OR stays and is miserable. And then has to learn the hard lesson that staying just for a feeling is wrong.
On the college story, I do feel like everybody sucks here. I feel like they took her for granted that she did well in school
In the celebration dinner story, I would have an ESH badge for OP and their parents, not the sibling. Reasons:
-OP for calling the celebration dinner “pathetic” and “waste of my time.” Now, I understand (and can relate to) the anger from different treatments within the family. However, nothing justifies degrading someone’s accomplishments being celebrated.
-The parents for creating such a toxic environment that also presents a hint of favoritism. It is more than possible to celebrate all children and their accomplishments.
Totally agree with you! That was what I was thinking too. My parents always celebrated all of our accomplishments.
As someone who has had to do summer school and eventually dropped out of highschool because they were refusing to work with us, yeah, there are cases where the school system is not a good fit for a person at all. My autism wasn't diagnosed until I was 17, so there very much is a possibility of a learning disorder that hasn't been diagnosed. The sister absolutely earned that celebration, but OP's parents also should've celebrated OP's achievements too.
this.
the parents could and probably should have celebrated OPs athletic or otherwise "special" occasions if they took the constant academic achievements for granted (which is understandable, in a way). That they didn't is their fault and they suck.
I actually do love Shabaas suggestion on talking about their feelings and needs, but that puts a little too much responsability on the child, OP, and not the parents.
First story makes me think of tropical reef fish. It's relevant, genuinely. In an aquarium with just a few hiding places, many reef fish feel insecure and spend most of their time hiding, or very close to their retreats, and disappear as soon as anything unfamiliar moves. Add more caves and hollows, and they spend a lot more time out and about, and being their full, colourful selves, and I just feel like in a relationship where both partners know that they _can_ zoom away at any time they need to, nobody is going to be feeling so insecure that they keep things bottled up and get all bitter and unhealthy with the fear of what would happen if they said what they meant, and the other partner didn't take it well, and so the relationship becomes much more open, honest, and healthy.
In the third story, I understand Shaaba's point that the family can and should celebrate all of each other's accomplishments.
But as a high achieving oldest child who has been in this kind of situation a number of times, I would be annoyed too. I frequently wish I had started standing up to my family when I was younger, like in my early 20s like OP, instead of waiting to my mid thirties and having to have a lot of what feels like adolescent drama with my family well into adulthood.
I'd recommend standing up for yourself, but firmly and without throwing insults around. It sounds like the way OP said it got pretty hostile and rude.
1st: NTD, but not sure your daughter's husband isn't. If he didn't want this to be an issue, he should have written a prenup that didn't leave the wife in potential financial straits. It seems a little like he doesn't like that this might give his wife more support. Is he controlling/insecure at all?
This!!! I was disappointed Shaaba gave a NAH verdict, the son-in-law is DEFINITELY the drama
Agreed. A prenup is fine but there is a way to do it in a way that still respects the other partner ESPECIALLY if they are giving up financial independence in order to take care of the home and family.
At the end of the day if they have a good marriage and never divorce, no harm done. As Shaaba said, do you want someone to be with you because they are financially dependent or because they want to be with you?!
Also… how is it rooting against them? If there marriage doesn’t fail then it’ll be issued to the daughter as inheritance. Is she not allowed to have inheritance too?!?
He’s an AH and wants her to be in the gutter if they split 🤦🏾♀️. Red flag central
@@Taewills Yeah, it feels like he wants to make sure she can't leave him, or wants her to suffer if she ever does, and either way, red flags all around.
Absolutely! My girlfriend and I both want to be secure even if we marry. We sometimes discuss these things, and we are absolutely on the same page.
Even if you love someone deeply, you still want to be safe. I mean, there could be many things happening that cause a breakup. Sometimes, it's not even someone's fault. Eather way people should have a prenup. It's not distrusting. It's just securing!
A just in case fund is a brilliant idea. Reality is, shit happens. Even with a long happy marriage, that savings could always come in handy for OP's daughter and son in law any other time as well.
2nd - I have a smiliar, although not so dramatic tale. My husband lost his ID 5 years ago. Since then I've been telling him he needs to replace it, it's a process, You need to get an appointment (usually nearest date is two to three weeks in the future, and then a month before you get it). He didn't, he said he's fine with drivers license. And now he suddenly has a work where he needs to cross the border. And drivers license doesn't cut it. We're in the EU, so no border control, but if there is (and it happens) it's a 20 euro fine. He had to fix it, and he did, he managed to get on a "emergency list", and will have his ID next week. What did I say? Nothing. It was difficult not to say "I told you so", but I didn't. I let him deal with it without any help, and tild him I'm glad it's done. He knows he ducked up. And he knows I know. Next time he procrastinates I will remind him about the ID debacle. But I will not kick him when he's already down.
Haha that sounds so much like my partner!! 😅 Sometimes it is really hard not to say “I told you so” though!
Yeah I think you put that exactly right, don't kick somebody when they are already down. They already know what they did wrong and even if the exact words are not I told you so, the intention would be the same. It's just unnecessary.
I tend to agree when the situation itself isn't a major concern for safety (or liability) but garden sheers on the ledge above the stairway to the basement? She's lucky all she severed was her toe and not someone else's. Seems like a pretty fair question and while it might sting to hear in the moment, doubt it stings worse than her toe. 🤣
"No, she just didn't turn stuff in and was failing." in response to if the sister has a learning disability has me FUMING. that 's EXACTLY what was said of me from 6th grade to graduation (age 11-18). it was always "you have so much potential, you're just not doing the work" and "you're just being lazy" and "you're so smart i don't understand" and "it's not that hard, just do it."
SURPRISE!!! i was autistic with adhd the ENTIRE TIME! and i was going through severe burnout, which lead to constant fatigue, anxiety, brain fog, physical illness, depression, s*icidal ideation, and more. i couldn't do my homework because i was too busy sleeping from how exhausted i was emotionally and physically after a day of school, and when i DID do my homework i was lucky if my adhd and brain fog allowed me to remember it and get it turned in!
i wasn't diagnosed until i was **21** over 3 years after barely graduating. i still had burnout to that point, too. i'm 24 and STILL recovering from the burnout school put me through.
when someone is struggling in school THERE IS A REASON, learning disability or not. "they just don't turn in the work" is such an absurd thing to say when behind that could be someone wanting to end their life and you would never ever know that by looking at them, or even living with them.
I think you need to stop projecting. Sometimes people are just genuinely lazy. You might've had a legit reason but that doesn't mean everyone does.
Yes yes yes! This is my experience too!
The word “potential” triggers me so much because it’s always been used in my school reports and at work and just ALL THE TIME and it’s so frustrating because it’s true, I get where they’re coming from - I’m intelligent and capable… but only when my brain allows it and I don’t feel in control of it.
I’ve always felt like I have zero willpower and motivation and it’s my biggest downfall that I’m so unreliable.
I hate it sooo much but I really can’t help it and I’m not lazy, I actually try so hard but sometimes I just CAN’T!
It’s so difficult to explain, I guess neurotypical people don’t experience it or something and are just like “mate just finish your homework quickly and then you can relax” and in theory that makes so much sense and I would have loved to do all my work on a Friday night and enjoy my weekends but it’s not that simple and I would always be wasting my weekend stressing about the things I need to do and never being fully present in any weekend job or social activity I would end up doing because of the homework stress weighing on me and then still not actually doing my homework until the hours of 9pm and 3am on a Sunday night and hating myself for it every time.
ADHD is absolutely disabling and it’s so unfair and upsetting that we can’t just plonk our brains on someone else’s head to show them how hard it is because trying to explain the reason for not doing things always sounds so petty like a silly excuse but it isn’t!
@@jacksonlevy5464 if she was “genuinely lazy” she wouldn’t put in all the work to hide her missing work and grades, would she? it is SO much more likely that something is going on with her whether it be an undiagnosed disability, mental health issues, friendship/relationship drama, bullying, or whatever else than for it to just be pure laziness.
my point wasn’t to say what IS going on with her, or that she’s going through the same thing i did, my point is that YOU CAN’T KNOW what’s going on from the outside.
when i got my diagnoses, the thing i heard the most from my family and old friends was “i had no idea. you seemed fine. i would have never known.” despite my condition being so severe that i went catatonic for months. if THAT went unnoticed, what kind of stuff do you think others could go through with it still just looking like “being lazy” on the outside?
@@pbkathleen SO MANY people would do that. Glad your experience has been different, but the world is full of assholes who think actually doing work is beneath them. Also, everyone has friendship problems and personal drama. The world doesn't stop just bc you're sad, especially not if you don't communicate about it. And fwiw, you can't know any better than I can. Maybe it's time to touch some grass.
I came here to say very similar! Granted, we don't know anything about teenage sister beyond a few sentences from OP, but as somebody who was branded as lazy in secondary school and had to bust my hump to "apply myself" to scrape by enough to get a conditional acceptance to uni, then figured out in my 30s that it was ADHD and not me being a brat after all, the sentiment of this kid sounded really familiar. Whether or not this kid has adhd or something else going on, we can't know. But knowing you have to do the work and not being able to bring yourself to do it anyway? There's *something* going on there, that deserves a little grace and maybe looking into the why of it. It'd be great if the parents would celebrate both kids' achievements for sure, but yeah. It's rarely if ever just laziness.
My younger sister was always more athletically inclined but struggled with school. Not for lack of trying and would often get compared to me, the 'smarter' older sister. It was a massive insecurity for her and caused a lot of anger and resentment between us because our parents celebrated my high grades and punished her for not achieving the same. Her athletic ability was shrugged off because it wasn't as 'important' to my parents. Until my sister and I actually sat down to discuss our conflict and realised almost all of it stemmed from our parents values and ideas of what 'success' was. I helped her with her academics to do the best she could and she helped me with athletic pursuits until eventually we were both so supportive of each other, despite our parents failing to acknowledge that we are different people. We always celebrate each others achievements because what is a good grade for her may look like a bad one for me, but the key is it is good for her! In the same way that me running a 5km is a massive achievement for me, but a normal weekend for her. The key is recognising our differences and celebrating them, while also acknowledging our own short comings and helping each other be the best and happiest possible version of ourselves. Our parents still do not embrace this and probably never will. But through intensive self reflection, healthy conflict resolution and communication and embracing each other for who we are... We have formed a deep, life-long connection and are each others biggest supporter. The parents in OP's post need to take a good long look at what they consider an achievement and worthy of celebration. Just because OP gets good grades doesn't mean it is easy or expected of them. Celebrate the sister for putting in the work and improving herself, but also celebrate OP for their achievements. Sorry for the long ramble. Hope this helps somebody realise that our parents aren't always the bastion of healthy behaviour. Absolutely adore you Shaaba and look forward to every single video you post. Lots of hugs and love from a fan.
I really feel for the girl who was failing her classes. I have 2 brothers and they're both *super* smart. I, however, am not. I ended up at an alternative school as a last resort and luckily graduated on time. I always celebrated my brothers' achievements and would be so sad if they didn't celebrate mine. Both sisters deserve recognition but the story made me very sad
I think part of the issue is that the older sister's accomplishments _aren't_ being celebrated. And also not just that the younger sister struggles more, but that she actively doesn't even try and has a history of trying to hide her lack of effort. If it was a case of OP saying "Hey, my accomplishments are also celebrated, and my sis has been legit trying this whole time, but just struggles more academically than I do, so we're meeting her where she's at," then OP would absolutely be in the wrong.
@@OldNewsIsGoodNews no, I know, I said that op should be celebrated as well. Just as someone who was in a similar situation, I would feel really awful if I heard my sibling saying that about me. That's all I'm saying. And like Shaaba said, we don't know if the younger sister was struggling with mental health, executive dysfunction, or undiagnosed conditions. I personally don't feel comfortable just assuming the younger sister was just being lazy and choosing to be that way. The fact that she was able to get up to a C grade tells me that she wanted to pass. "Hiding her lack of effort" could be out of shame. Not saying I'm right, but explaining where I'm coming from
@@frogonwall I think that's part of why, despite Shaaba's confusion, a clarifying question like that one brought up in the comments is important and edifying. Of course, in any AITA thread, we don't know what we don't know or if the OP isn't sharing something. But it is edifying for the OP to say they don't know of any extenuating circumstances. And the fact that younger sis is actively hiding her misbehavior is telling to me. What you said about you celebrating your siblings' accomplishments and also that you went to get help, not that you were actively squirreling away intentional misbehavior, tells me a lot about, "Yeah, if you were my sib, I'd want to pump you the frak up cause what you accomplished *was* actually a big deal, and you are clearly there for your sibs, as well." (And the OP blew up at her parents, not at her sis.)
@@frogonwall All that said, I would be curious about the sister's side of things. (I went to r/AITA to see if I could do more sleuthing, and thought I had a bingo for more info re: the OP at least, but alas, false alarm.)
@@OldNewsIsGoodNewsthing is, we don’t know that the sister isn’t trying. we have no way of knowing, the only one who actually knows that is her. and just because OP doesn’t say the insult to her sisters face doesn’t mean it isn’t still an assholey thing to say.
To use a Bible reference, OP in the third story made me think of the brother in the parable of the prodigal son. When the father throws a party because his other son returns home the other brother sulks because the dad never threw him a party for anything.
I mean, it is terrible parenting to never celebrate one child. Prioritising one child over another is simply bad.
My first thought too. It's so similar it's a little eerie to me lol.
I have been in the same situation where my sibling was promised reward for bare minumum, but I never recieved anything for going beyond the expectations. I have felt hurt, it felt like any of my effort was never acknowledged. It created this feeling to adulhood that will never recieve and validation from my family. Years later, I do definetely still see this dynamic of my mum caring more about the "bad" kids in our family. I basically was always told not to rock the boat when I was hurt or bellitled by them. But when they were hurt by me standing up for myself, I was always told off. I also happen to be the youngest. So I am more likely to side with someone who is going through something similar, though of course - the parents are to be blamed in these situations.
With the toe story it’s, for example, like a kid not wanting to wear a jacket. When the kid is inevitably then cold, a parent doesn’t necessarily need to say I told you so
it's actually really good you bring that up because, if you are a parent with a small child in that kind of scenario, you might actually want to say something like "Gosh, maybe next time we should bring our jackets, just in case!" because it's your job to teach kiddo about cause and effect, consequences and responsibility, how to make healthy choices etc. But this story, these are grown adults and your partner is not your child so yeah no, it's not your place to have a teaching moment.
@@kittysunloverI love the phrasing "we should bring..." Cause if any phrasing is far away from "told you so..." It is this one. It doesn't center about who s responsible but it circles around how can we improve the situation together ...
@@flotenstimme4608Thank you! I am neither a parent nor any kind of expert in the topic so idk, maybe there's an even better way to handle that. But my general philosophy is that interpersonal relationship stuff is almost always better when viewed as a cooperation rather than a competition. Telling a partner "I told you so" is about being right, or a me vs you aka competitive attitude. "How can we fix this together" (when said partner is ready for solutions) is cooperative. And to circle back to parenting, I think there's some merit in the idea that if your kiddo views you as part of their team (rather than the authority figure they have to do battle with), you're both just gonna have an easier time of it.
Happy birthday 🎈🎂🎈
Any parent that leaves the workforce should try to have a just in case fund. Your career takes a hit and you may need to go back to school and need those funds to cover you until you return. Son in law getting whiny when there's a freaking prenup is peak hypocrisy
those first parents are NOT the drama, our family would have been insanely better off if we had something like this!! Nobody ever thought my parents would split for almost 20 years but they did and it was MESSY and traumatic, my mum had been a housewife the whole marriage and when my dad took his income and stable job and left her with two kids and a mortgage, it was horrific. If my mum had had a just in case fund like that, we wouldn’t have been in so much financial stress for so many years, if only my mums parents were that caring T-T
So that's why small ice pellets always fall from the sky when my cousin visits, her name is Haley.
Story 2: YTA comment hits the nail on the head, this ain't the time to be pushing the fact that you're right about the ledge, which they are but still, wait till after the healing and use it as a cautionary tale
Also just because you don't use the words "I told you so" doesn't mean you aren't saying it...
Honestly I think “I told you so” would be less hurtful than “what were you thinking???” I told you so is smug and annoying but what were you thinking makes you sound like you think the other person is an idiot.
13:20 basements are very common in the us and people usually store canned and boxed food down there instead of a in their smaller pantry/shelves
2nd: ESH lighter fluid, garden shears, etc... with an 8 year old? Nah. You didn't have to say it, but I get the impulse. Timing was not great, though.
NAH for me because of the 8 year old. If OP told the full story, this was a pattern that was forming for her and she got a rather abrupt wake-up call. It would have been a thousand times worse had that wake-up call come from having to take their child to the emergency room and explain how they were hurt.
I would have had to say it. Logically, I understand that I'm unreasonably overprotective, but I genuinely get upset with my husband when he cuts himself shaving or gets sunburned because he didn't put on sunscreen. If he cut off his toe doing something preventable that I had warned him about, I'd be very upset because he was hurt with the same intensity that I empathized with him for being hurt. He'd expect it, too. He knew what he was getting himself into when he married me.
@Shaaba #3 Her parents are the ones making a big deal out of it. Saying their reaction is stupid seems like she's laying the blame at the right place.
In the college story, I feel like Shaaba's assuming OP's university is anywhere close to where they live. But if it isn't, the parents are asking OP to travel (spending time & money & STUDY TIME) to attend this single dinner to celebrate OP's sister. Basically, parents be saying "your time, money, studies DO NOT MATTER TO US because sister did a thing." And that's not ok.
I went to college 4.5 hours away from home. Going home was a production and a half
Yeah i disagreed on this one too, for similar reasons. When I'm studying I'm really intense about time management, and losing that much time for studying would adversely affect my grades. My sibling was always celebrated for mediocre grades, and since I didn't "struggle" (yet made myself sick by how much time I put to studying.. ok) for my grades, I got nothing. I left home at 18 and never went back.
I went to college 6 hours away from home so I get it but I don't think OP specified the distance as a reason for not going. If it was, it's more ahole-y imo to make a dig at their sister instead of just saying they can't.
Except then OP could have given that as a reason, rather than putting down the sister's accomplishments. Besides, you're ALSO assuming that that's the real issue when OP did not mention problems like that. Either way I still think the parents are the ones that really screwed up here. But OP should still call them out for not appreciating her work enough, instead of saying what she did (though i can imagine it being an impulsive thing because she was understandably hurt).
I just think Shaaba is very much correct about OP taking her feelings out on her sister instead of bringing up the real issue. I realize the sister was also irresponsible BUT she's a teenager AND she did some real self improvement when she needed to. I can see why the parents would want to encourage that. Again, the problem is the parents not taking OP's feelings and hard work into account. It's easy to see how that's hurtful but cancelling because you think the celebration is 'pathetic' just sounds like lashing out at the wrong target.
Also like she said it to the parents not her sister.... She didn't take it out on her sister. She took it out on the cause of it, not in the best way but still. Also like Shaaba, she didn't turn her homework in. Just turning it in gives points even if its wrong. The girl put no effort in, she put in the effort to hide it. She could've just tried and handed it in. Like highschool in the states is problematicly easy (lol made up word just an example of my schooling loooooool). That story made me so frustrated with her response to it
Story 1 got me thinking (not related to the actual question being asked, just the circumstances being described) about the prenup concept specifically in a couple where one of them is a housewife/stay at home mom. Because the relationship they have allows or requires her to not have a career. If they were to get divorced after 10 years, he's had career advancement and building of assets but she hasn't, and the reason she hasn't is because she's been taking care of HIM so that he could work. It stagnates her financial situation without any compensation. It feels, in this sort of situation, pretty sketchy to me for one spouse to have a prenup and then expect the other to do unpaid labor in service of their career. The fact that a husband who has created that kind of dependency on him by his wife has a problem with her having a just-in-case fund does raise some alarm bells for me.
On the other hand, it's possible his issue isn't with her HAVING a fund like that, but that he feels hurt by how he heard about it. The parents didn't tell him, his wife (who was angry about it) did, so he very likely heard about it in the worst wording possible, and was made to feel like his in-laws don't trust him to support their daughter.
I agree with the badge, it's just an interesting situation.
If I ever have a kid, the one name that I would veto would be my deadname
I think that’s reasonable
I honestly think you’re optimistic about the parents celebrating the achievements of both daughters. And it makes me sad thinking that, since you’re right but when you said it I thought “they aren’t going to celebrate college girl”
"I'm so full of hap" is my new way of expressing my joy
A friend of mine tried to make saying that a thing in about 2004 😆 he then had a somewhat successful Flash game called Hapland and as a result I ended up with the username Hapfairy which I still use everywhere (and have to explain to people in shops a lot lol)
For the second story, instead of just nagging her, solve the problem!! She obviously wants shelf space. So either build or buy a shelf outside the stairs for her. It solves the problem without the passive aggressiveness.
16:27 😭😭😭 my therapist told me “they don’t have to say it for you to know that you’re valid” so I FELT that😭😭🤣
Regarding the celebration story - my mom has a saying that I am going to translate badly:
Happy occasions need to be created since trouble comes all on its own.
It basically means 'use every opportunity to celebrate absolutely anything, life's hard enough'
i disagree on the story with the sisters. as an older sibling who didn't have their achievements celebrated the same way my younger sibling did, i understand op's resentment and i don't think it's fair to demand they come to the sister's dinner. if the parents want to celebrate her passing, sure, and she does deserve it. but it's not fair to demand op attend, it would just make her feel miserable all evening and maybe even lead to a conflict during the dinner itself. she didn't need to phrase it that way, but she is perfectly justified in her feelings anf forcing her to come anyway and pretend to be happy for her sister wouldn't have done any good. if possible they should have a conversation with their parents about not feeling appreciated later
Totally this, as the older sibling I got a CD for.doing well in my exams, my brother got £50 per B grade and a PlayStation for passing his exams. That happened all through our education, I'd get something small because it was expected I would do well and be fine. He got everything as bride to study and then a celebration that he did it. It can really build up and you can directly see the disparity in how you are treated. If you celebrate one child you should celebrate the other ones' achievements as well.
I agree with you on this. The parents should respect that because they didn't celebrate the older sister's accomplishments the same way they're celebrating the younger sister's, they can't and shouldn't expect the older sibling to attend the celebration. As the older sibling in my family, this resonates with me as well. I would agree with her, it would be a total waste of time for the older sister to attend. Nothing but resentment for not being treated equally would be her prize for being forced to attend.
i still think op is TA for downplaying their sister's achievements. Sure they may have some resentment to their parents for not celebrating THEM, but thay does not mean they get to take it out on their sister and claim it's "pathetic" to celebrate her when she worked hard to get where she was, even if it was only a C. i feel like that point is getting ignored with everyone saying NTA, it's not being upset that makes them wrong, it's that they looked down on the effort their sister put because it wasn't perfect. THAT is the problem with story, which was the point shaba made
@@AstronomicalJellyto be fair though, OP is saying this to her parents and not to her sister. And we don’t have enough info to know if the sister really struggles in a school environment or if she’s just irresponsible.
@@Shoulderpads-mcgeetbh it’s pretty safe to assume the sister struggles with the school environment in some way. it’s not at all uncommon to struggle in school due to unseen factors, even if it seems like “irresponsibility”, it could easily be mental health issues or a learning disability like ADHD or something within the school environment or her life itself.
I was ignoring the Shurfshark ad break as per usual. But this Jack and the Bean Stalk thing distracted the shit out of me.
So far Shaaba’s ads/sponsorships are the only ones I watch or pay attention to.
I’ve just dislocated my knee at school today and waited on the ground of my sports field for 6 hours whislt waiting for the ambulance and have just got home and am straight onto my comfort channel
OMG HAPPY BIRTHDAY BTW
I hope your recovery is smooth and swift!
I mean this is the second time this year so there is likely an underlying issue🫣
Thanks for the kind wishes though
I hope you figure out what the issue is, since you said this is the second time. And I'm sorry you had to wait 6 hours, that's horrible!
Oof! I hope you figure out the underlying issue and have a swift recovery
17:53 i very strongly agree with you here, this was absolutely not the right time to talk to the wife like that
it's something my parents, especially my father constantly to me, I'm feeling bad they always find a way to make me feel (even more) guilty for what happened, especially when I'm sick or already feeling really down, e.g. a "mild" example: if I'd missed a train to uni for an exam, my dad would just comment on how I should have left earlier, which I already know and feel bad about, but is absolutely not contributing to how I'll get to uni on time now to take the exam
likewise in the post he's just making the wife feel ashamed when shes literally just gotten her toes stiched back on her foot, instead of helping her deal with it first and having a conversation about how to prevent this happening again, when shes feeling better
My husband and I have been together for 15 years this month, married for 10, this year. We don't have a prenup, but he has told me that if I ever decide to I want a divorce, or if he decides it, he'll give me enough money to start over somewhere else. I'm a homemaker, with very little job experience. I'll never take him up on the offer, but I'm thankful that he's willing to help me out. Both of our parents are divorced.
With the first one, instead of calling it a "just in case fund for if you ever break up", calling it a "just in case fund for any major setbacks that you unexpectantly can't cover" would be a better way of going about it. This way, if something like a break up occurs, then fine, but if it's aimed as a catch-all like if a roof caves in or a medical emergency or unfair eviction or their daughter (or even husband in law, because women can be abusers too) needs to leave, it's there for them to be aware of. This is coming from a sort of similar experience when I was first starting college. My mother and the rest of my family, while being mostly supportive of what I wanted to do as a major and eventual career, everyone kept saying "Have this other major as well just in case you aren't successful and have something to fall back on." I understood what they were saying, because having a successful job in the arts isn't always guaranteed, but it constantly felt that they didn't believe in me and didn't actually support me. So from the daughter's perspective (and the husband's too), I can see why they would be upset depending on the words said to describe the fund or the context it was brought up.
The thing is, it's not just for major life events, it's specifically in case of a divorce. Exactly like a prenup. The husband was all fine with a prenup to protect his assets, but upset at a fund to protect his wife in case of divorce? Yikes. Why does he not feel insulted with a prenup, that is not beneficial to his wife? Both are just in case a divorce happens.
Happy Birthday!!
With the 1st story I was also thinking that it's good to have security not just in the case of divorce/breaking up but what if the husband unexpectedly passed away or became disabled in some way and wasn't able to continue working for whatever reason. I think a just in case fund is super helpful just in case ANYTHING happens not just a divorce.
Good point, didn't even think about that despite having lost my father almost 3 years ago. That was one of my first thoughts when he died, terrified my mom would be in even more stress.
Okay RUclips isn't showing my reply but I wanted to edit that i meant almost 4 years. Wow. Time flies
It depends on the difference in wealth and how the discussion was handled. Husband getting upset that they've created this account as a backup plan for their daughter seems like a red flag to me, like maybe he uses his money to control the daughter and he worries he might lose control if she knows she has a way out.
It’s no different than parents putting savings away for an inheritance or knowing their children may struggle to save. The parents could use the money for any unexpected medical bills for their daughter and grandchildren. Honesty the parents could have put the money aside and not said anything.
@@kristalpower292 I understand the logic of telling the daughter though, so that she knows in case she needs it. It may not even be wanting to leave the relationship, but could be a health issue, something for the child, or anything else that comes up.
@@kristalpower292nah I think it was good that they told daughter. The dad was right that if his daughter was aware of the fund as a way out, she could end up staying in a bad situation, if a bad situation were to happen of course.
One of most common reasons people stay in abusive relationships is because of financial dependency. This is especially danger for stay at home parents because if they want to leave, how will they pay for a place to live of their own food if they have no funds of their own?
It was really cute how you giggled every time you read an adjective/adverb. And yeah you're allowed to say no to a name just because the vibes! They are off!
3: ESH. OP shouldn't have phrased it like that, but I get it. Their sister actively hid things from the parents. She did everything she could to avoid doing her work, probably putting more effort into hiding it than it would have taken to do it. The fact that she's doing the bare minimum probably should be rewarded as a way to encourage future good behavior. I'm not sure that a *dinner* is the way to go. Lunch maybe?
It really stnks that OP's accomplishments aren't getting any cudos. Guessing she was the "good girl"? Maybe OP should discuss with her parents why they feel that way.
It's like a modern take on the prodigal son parable in the Bible 😂
The story about the name really hit me. When I was pregnant with my child, I had a really hard time finding names I liked. I was an elementary school teacher and inevitably I had a child by this name or that name or dealt with a child with this other name and I then couldn't stand the idea of naming my child that name. Finally, when they were born someone suggested a name, and while I had had a student by that name, the student had been a very enjoyable and kind person and still was so thank goodness someone suggested that name.
Shaaba in the story where the unfortunate woman had a traumatic amputation of her toe, I have an unpopular opinion: the husband didn't say I told you so, the wife did. She recalled the many warnings from him after being injured and felt embarrassment and possibly shame at him having been proven right, so when he questioned her thought process what she heard was him saying I told you so. I see myself in her. And I also "hear" the I told you so in my husband's voice when he questions why I thought running on the stairs with a dodgy hip was a good idea while helping me back up and assessing injuries.
Story 3: NTD, asking her to come back for a dinner on a specific day may not be convenient, she is allowed to refuse, she shouldn't be guilt trip for it, regardless of her reasons. Also, the parents need to think about how she may feel, they should be more careful
Happy birthday shabaa! I'm so greatful for your RUclips channel and other channels that talk about LGBTQIA+ issues (jammiedodger, rolly, queer kiwi, the click and more). I used to be quite conservative and bigoted (mostly transphobic, sexist and abelist but also a bit homophobic and a few other forms of bigotry). This was partialy because of stuff my dad taught me and due to falling down an internet rabbit hole. But you're videos and all the other channels that I mentioned earlier helped me realize how dumb all my belifs were and helped me realize that I'm trans and pansexual.
for my family, my parents would celebrate when my sibling got a 6/10, because that meant they hadn’t worked themselves to the bone to get a good grade, while for my other sibling they would celebrate when they got a 9/10, because that meant they did very well. whatever’s important and worth celebrating should be celebrated!
My little talk regarding the one abt the grades being celebrated: sister sounds very similar to my experience. I was constantly getting detentions and failing classes because I "wouldn't turn in work." I thought I was just lazy and that there was no reason for my to be like that when I know I could do well if I "tried." Turns out, untreated ADHD makes you unable to complete stuff no matter how much you want to get it done! We don't know the sister's story, but it just sounds too similar for it to be a coincidence
23:12 one thing that frustrated me in Milwaukee was that Mercury kept forgetting to validate your PhD on top of Jamie's.
As an underappretiated child myself, i can agree with not wanting to attend such a celebratory dinner for a barely passing sibling. However, the way that OP when about expressing their distaste was overkill. That would have been better said as a conversation about how OP felt about it rather than dismissing younger sister's turnaround.
It was not great but its about how I would have handled it at 19.
I agree with Shaaba on story 3. OP in that story should recognize where her feelings are coming from and address that issue with her parents. But it might not go smoothly and she might not be able to if she knows they don't have a good history of communication to begin with. She doesn't have to go, but she shouldn't make the issue about the sister when it's about the parents
Shaaba- I'm so happy you're open about your neurodivergent brain because I relate to so many things 😂 I have an SU-V partly in case I need to haul a large thing by myself. Can I think of anything I need to haul? No. But it's nice to know that if I needed to, I could
Someday one of your friends or family members is gonna need something hauled and you’re gonna swoop in and save the day with your SU-V. If you were in a fictional story, that’d be Chekov’s SU-V
Happy birthday, Peach Queen!! 🎂🎁🍑
May it be a day as wonderful and lovely as yourself.
And thank you for the gift of a new AITA video!
Tillykke med fødselsdagen!!!
(Danish for happy birthday!!!!)
story 2: if you *have* to, wait a while and once it’s a faded memory you can laugh over it (if she would be happy with that)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAABA !! hope the american tour with jamie is going well for you both
In the first story, I wonder how long it's been between informing them of the fund and the question posed on Reddit. If it just happened and you're questioning their initial reaction, it may take some time for them to calm down and absorb the implications and see that you're not being malicious. If it's been a while and they're still upset, that's another matter. I also wonder if her parents have meddled in other affairs of hers and she sees this as them trying to preemptively be heros or as trying to drive a wedge between her and her husband. I agree that it's unfair to have her sign a pre-nup but not have a back-up plan in case things somehow don't work out. I think a lot of divorces are messy, so there's this impression that terrible things will happen leading to one, but there are also plenty of people who realize that down the line things just aren't working out any more. Is not shameful. It's honest, and it's good to be aware that that could happen in the future.
26:26 I totally understand OP’s point here. I can see how she might be the drama, but I know from personal experience how this might have a huge negative impact on your self esteem or self worth. Yeah it’s great she passed, but I think we’re missing the part that she was erasing the emails that she was failing from her parent’s emails. That shows not just laziness, but deliberate effort to hide it from their parents. I think sister and parents are definitely the drama.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAABA!!! hope America and the tour is going well!
Story 2: NAH
I feel like in these types of story an undue amount of expectation is placed on the person who did not have the accident. It's always some version of "Why would you say that to them after what they've just been through?!" Using this post as the example "Your wife just needed to have her toe reattached! Don't lecture her now!" But this completely disregards the heightened emotional state OP must have been in driving home with her in that moment. Seriously. OP heard a scream of pain, came running, saw her fallen with blood, probably had to figure out exactly what the injury was, had to figure out how to get her back upstairs whilst worrying about blood loss, had to handle a severed toe long enough to put it on ice, either called an ambulance or drove her to the hospital personally, then had to wait whilst doctors took over.
I'd have been a wreck!
So the fact that OP slipped up by asking why after all that, without explicitly saying I told you so, I've got to say ot reads as stress more than condescension to me.
Happy Birthday, Shaaba!
So, I'm an apocalyptomist - I believe in being prepared for the worst and hoping for the best - so even if the worst does happen, then I'm prepared for it and it won't be as bad.
Worst case, the bad happens and you’re prepared, best case nothing happens and now you have bonus canned corn or whatever
@@Shoulderpads-mcgee exactly!
I'm supportive of just-in-case funds (I've also heard of "go bags" being talked about in a similar vein) but I think only problem or worry I might have about a just-in-case fun, if it was set up by my parents, is the fear that they might hold it over my head or use it as a reason to be more involved in my personal life than I'd necessarily want them to be. Or maybe that they'd try to influence my decisions and treat it almost like a bribe. I don't think my parents would do that or anything, but there are sometimes situations in which I feel like they're still trying to lecture me or provide commentary on my life, and in the same vein they can sometimes come off as entitled to information about my life.
3: If the younger sister has ADHD or something, then she totally deserves a shout-out for finally being able to scrape by. But if she's just a slacker or a bimbo, then the parents are just desperate and relieved and their daughter needs to either aim higher or take what she gets in terms of praise. Whereas the elder sister consistently worked hard and likely craved parental approval by overachieving and even potentially being very stressed and feeling internal pressure to be perfect.
This is classic oldest child problems. You kill yourself to be the best you can with no recognition and when they finally manage to turn in a single assignment they get a party.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAABA!!! 🎉
Shaaba why is your hair perfect. OMG.
Mini hippo. Mini hippo goes away. Mini hippo returns on your birthday!
Happy Birthday, Shaaba! I got to yell that at you at Seattle Public Library the other day, but it won't hurt to say it again and drive your engagement metrics. I was the clocky middle age trans woman with the blue and purple hair. Your grace and patience with that huge crowd was superhuman. You're wonderful in every way. Keep being you; the world needs more of it.
dude fire episode and I agree with all of your decisions and feel like I heard a lot of different perspectives that I hadn't considered. I love it. Hope you and Jammie are enjoying the tour!!
Etymology time!
Happy used to mean something more along the lines of lucky - you were "happy" if, for example, all four of your children survived to adulthood, not because you were overjoyed about it but because it meant that none of them died in infancy of some childhood disease, or farm accident, or drowning in the river, etc. As these things did tend to make one joyful as well, happy eventually changed over time to its modern meaning "glad", and we use "lucky" instead when we're talking about whether the things that happen to someone tend to be more positive or negative.
So happy does work as an example of "word + y meaning Like Word", you just have to dig a little more into the meaning.
Ooo, I love that!
Thanks for the etymology lesson :D
Honestly, a 'just in case' fund sounds like a really good idea. My mum was left with nothing after we were kicked out of our step father's house. She had got rid of all our furniture as we couldn't fit it into his place. She had paid him rent the whole time we were living with him, as well as buying all the food we ate. Then, she was also paying rent for her shop and everything she needed for that. She just constantly had barely any money.
These always make me happy that I only have one kid- makes it so much easier. I don't have to worry about unfairness and having a favourite.
The college story: I think that by calling OP the drama for not wanting to go and saying they have to celebrate their sisters accomplishments is discrediting their feelings. I think they should have worded things a bit different, but to say they are the drama for how they are feeling...idk, I don't agree with that. I think that my thoughts are coming as someone who has celebrated others but not been celebrated for my accomplishments. Just get tired of it after a while and don't want to do it.
I went to school with a Kyle who I almost never spoke to and years later found out he was a creep whenever he out of nowhere started messaging me on Facebook. He ended up sending me a picture of a certain part of his body for whatever reason 💀
13:17 quite a bit of food keeps much better in cool and dark places, so basements are really good places to store food
Happy Birthday Shaaba!!! I hope you’re having a lovely day beautiful Peach❤🍑
Absolutely love your channel Shaaba! Your AITA vids do exactly what they say on the tin because I always come out of them with my mindset expanded and my own judgements, presumptions & bias challenged in a healthy way that will help me and my loved ones navigate issues that arise in the crazy world! Hope the book tour is going well and you're having a nice time! 💛
Happy Pride Everyone ❤🧡💛💚💙💜This is your regular reminder that you're all awesome, beautiful and valid little beans, just the way you are ❤🧡💛💚💙💜Love you all ❤🧡💛💚💙💜 And Happy Birthday Shaaba 🎉🎂🥳
story 1, they ought to think of it as just an extra life insurance plan. sounds like a "break glass in case of emergency" fund.
HAPPPYY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
The problem with this prenup is it apparently prevents alimony and child support sufficient for the wife to continue her work inside the home through the end of childhood. If that innings fundamentally unfair for her.
Happy birthday, Shaaba! 🎉
Shaaba, you are not alone in the "what if there is a zombie apocalypse" thoughts. That's like the only reason I exercise - so I can out run and fight zombies.
I also lived through a bad earthquake, so I actually do want a Just In Case box of food, water, torch and batteries, first aid etc
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAABA !!
Happy birthday Shaaba! We share a birthday, that's so cool! Hope you're enjoying your trip in the US with Jamie!
"Are you just wanting to vent, do you want me to just listen closely for more later, or do you need me to help/intervene?" I've made a habit of asking the close, intimate people in my life this when I see they're getting ready to have a ... passionate conversation (even if it's one-sided). And yes, I'll be as polite but obvious as I can be with something like, "Look, I know you've got something you want/need to say. So....." then insert the first line. That little reflex has been ... amazingly helpful. Not because I get lassoed into things, but rather because it gives the person an extra moment to think, and to gauge what they might actually need right then. It gives them just that brief moment to either cool down a bit if it's something they're wanting help with, or even to ratchet up the angry vitriol-venom if they *really* want to vent. It also signals that I'm there, willing to listen and nod consolingly, or put on my own thinking hat to formulate a solution with/for them. (No, I don't believe they *must* do only what I say. No, I'm not trying to force a situation to my benefit and their detriment. But if I have to formulate a solution, then at least I can point out things they either can't or won't see. And that will hopefully give them more options than they might have thought about.) And that way, there's no confusion or bad expectations from their statements.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHABAA!🎉🎉 I hope you have a great day, and I hope the tour is going amazing! Wish I could have gone to see you guys, hopefully I’ll get a chance another time!
Celebration dinner: Sister bringing up her grades is definitely an achievement. My only qualm about the dinner is the fact that sister had been deleting emails to the parents. Was she already trying to fix the problem and just looking for more time? Or was she just trying to avoid having to deal with it? If the latter, then I'm not sure a celebration is in order.
If the “just in case fund” is only available for divorce or separation then yes OP is the drama. It sounds like if their daughter’s little family gets hit on hard times or husband loses his job etc they don’t want husband to get the money in an emergency that’s toxic behavior
Omg yes, I work in retail and play the "just in case of zombie apocalypse" game whenever I check outdates in the food aisles! Like "okay, if I get stuck in the store when the zombies attack, how should the food be rationed out?" (If it's in a can, save it for last, basically). Or in the housewares aisle, I'll see the hammers are in stock and think "okay, good to know, just in case". So, no, totally not weird at all that you do that! It's not like I WANT to be stuck at my store if zombies attack, it's not like I want zombies period, but it feels like I'm mentally preparing myself just in case the impossible occurs. Like at work, they have us review the video on workplace violence every year. It's not that the company wants us to have to use that knowledge, but it will be good that we do know it if the absolute worst should occur.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAABA!! 🥳
The first story, 04:50 It’s not only about abusve, What if he had an affair
Happy Birthday! I loved and completely agreed with your take on the gardening shears story!
Yayy happy birth, please have a lovely day! ^^
Also lol I actually love how you do your sponsor
I hope you’re full of hap on this birthday of yours Shaaba!
Can I just say how much I appreciate you, Shaba? You’ve taught me so much about emotional intelligence.❤❤
As a Kylie i do like my name and I am happy i am named this ( i was not named after any celeb). BUT i have ALWAYS been called Kyle throughout my life and have just learned to accept that people can’t see the’i’ in my name. Anyways that story made me laugh. I am Kyle-ey haha 😂
Happy birthday Shaaba!!! I hope you have a wonderful day
Story 1: Why did you tell them? You could've done it without telling them.
Happy birthday!🌷I agree w/most of your verdicts, just not the colledge one. Parents are the drama, not at all op.