should I have peed on her?! 🚻 r/AITA
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- Опубликовано: 13 окт 2024
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in this week's deep dive into the reddit AITA we're talking weddings and exhibitionism (oh my), plane seats and toilets, and whether refusing to lend your bestie a fiver counts as betrayal 🎣 grab a cuppa and let's go fishing x
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That last one, I can understand her being upset. I know I would be. Not about the money, but about the fact that someone I had been close friends with for so long, and helped each other whenever possible, suddenly decided that I couldn't be trusted anymore. I would be HURT by that change in the relationship. That her perception of me would change so drastically when I had done nothing to cause it.
Agree, she’s being punished for what other people did and I would also feel hurt by that
Money one: I personally don’t like the way the friend phrased “you need to learn to budget better” like, you didn’t learn to budget better, you married someone with money. Which no shame, but OP “budgeting” isn’t going to mean she suddenly gets wealthy. I can understand the frustration of the friend because I have been frustrated by lending money at times when I see people spending on things I think are frivolous. But I remind myself that they have and continue to help me back when I need it. I think OP is the drama for continuing to push it but I also think the friend shouldn’t have phrased her reply that way. But it can be hard to formulate a reply when you are constantly being pushed.
Yeah I've felt this on like every video I've seen this post on. Like bruhhhhh
And Shaaba is adding context op didn't mention and shouldn't be considered for the post without trying to think of the context for why she needed the 5 bucks. The friend hasn't brought up the it's my husbands money, not mine thing. Like yes outside of that, friend doesn't need to say it but like I'm so confused how else was op supposed to take "I've had people try to take advantage of me like my brothers, you people ought to budget better" not as her equivocating them... If you're not equivocating them, don't bring them up un the same sentence. Like is there subtext I'm missing, also why do we always have to assume subtext, can't people say what they mean? Also like the context about money situation the 5 bucks. Like if they were somewhere that cash was needed to buy things and op didn't have cash and asked for 5 bucks, that'd she pay back the second she had cash...... Like wouldn't op's friend be ass then?
Also like she said op could've phrased it in a different way to make op seem better but she didn't, so like how does that not make op seem like she's being honest?
Like op's reaction was probably questionable, she should try to have a better conversation but like her being upset about being equivocated to friends family for asking for a bunch of money, totally fair. Being told to "budget better" is a shitty thing to tell anyone. Just not enough context in this post, too many what ifs.
Also tail statement (not in response to your comment so feel free to ignore). I don't write with subtext. When im confused i mean it. When I don't understand something i mean it. Feel free to explain. Me asking questions in response is to get a better understanding of it. Thx
@@jaceevens654 Honestly, if it was me in the shoes of OP I'd just let it go and rethink my friendship. I ask for 5 bucks, friend says no. It's her money, so it's just crass (in my opinion) to push it, especially since it does not seem to be a life or death situation. Obviously, I'm entitled to think what I want and distance myself from said friend if I like. The point is, if I do something to help a friend out when they are need, that's out of the love in my heart, not because I expect favors from them later on. I don't keep count, otherwise it's not friendship. If was the friend, and I was being pushed, I'd react by ending the friendship immediately. OP's remarks seem very manipulative to me, and any time someone is being pushy, my flight response kicks in. All of this to say, maybe the friend's response was not the nicest, but she should not need to give any explanation. It may as well be that she had to come up with a "default explanation" simply because everyone kept throwing variations of "You are rich, what's your excuse for not giving money to me" at her, which is just unacceptable.
@@jaceevens654 lol I agree, life would be so much easier if context wasn’t always needed. But I think context definitely matters with money, at least in my culture growing up (USA). Money is such a loaded topic people don’t feel they can be direct. Me personally, I would have given the 5$ and not expected it back, but the context that it’s not my money (it’s my spouse’s) does change things a bit because maybe he feels that everyone is taking advantage of him through her so this situation is putting pressure on their marriage. For me, it’s okay to ask only as long as it’s okay if the answer is “no”. Once you aren’t okay with that answer you need to consider why you aren’t okay with it. Which I think OP did, and for her she doesn’t feel that she is on “even ground” because she gave help and isn’t getting it in return. In this case I just think both need a cooling off period and a good conversation about feelings. Because feelings can be valid without being “right” or needing people to give in.
@@rebeccajesse4604 yeah like lol something is behind the $5 that op doesn't know about for herself cayse like otherwise she probably would've been able to let it go.
like there's so much context needed that I can't say either way. and theorizing what the reason is for either person just gives both of them a dis service. like there's no mention of what the friend does for work or what she does for work. I saw comments on reddit that were like "oh she like didn't work for all the money she's now in and it changes people" and I'm like wondering if they're suddenly doing thins as friends where they need money to do it but op can't really afford it but feels like she has to do it cause they're doing it as friends, lol like that one episode of friends.
but really all this theorizing is cause there's no context to really give me a concrete thought about it. and I feel like people having a yes or no are doing it based on context they theorized on and not the real context. really feel like the judgment should've been "need more info".
Completely agree with this. I think they are both behaving badly, however I would give a slightly bigger AH badge to OP for pushing the issue and not responding to the friend after she reached out. The friend’s response was not good but I can also see her being frustrated if people around her are behaving like OP and feeling entitled even after the friend has said no to borrowing money.
For the last one: I think ESH. OP sucks for pushing the boundaries and refusing a conversation about it. The friend sucks for lumping OP in with everyone else, when from what it sounds like their relationship has a different history and dynamic, and also not having a real conversation about what’s going on. I just feel like neither of them are really hearing each other.
This exactly! The way I understood it, OP used to be the one helping out, so I get why they feel it's unfair that they're lumped in with the friend's brothers, now that they could use some help. They could have communicated that better, though, and 5 dollars does sound a bit ridiculous. The friend sucks too, though, for lumping OP in with everyone else and for telling OP to "learn to budget better" - that sounded very condescending. I mean, the friend just married rich and got lucky. Easy to tell others to learn to budget better.
Thank you, yes ! It's not black and white.
Sometimes $5 can save your bank account from being overdrafted and getting a huge fee.
This! People don’t understand this! Sometimes people asking for these tiny amounts are asking for the smallest amount they need to avoid catastrophe but also something they could expect to be able to pay back.
How can you call yourself someone’s friend and not even care what they need it for… also if they reliably pay you back why do you care what they need it for?
Then OP needs to communicate that. Especially since she knows that friend's behavior is most likely due to past betrayal/hurt.
I had to loan 20 bucks from a friend, cause a payment was running late and not having the money for rent on your account is a huge hassle, she got it back 2 weeks later
My husband and I eloped. He started talking about setting up a gift registry for our "reception" gathering the following year. I put a full stop to that and thoroughly explained how tacky that was. He thankfully listened
I feel like saying "let it go, it's just $5" is coming from a very privileged pov, because for a lot of people $5 could mean the difference between eating or not that day, getting home from work or not (gas, bus,..), being able to pay rent or not of you have the rest.. For many people $5 is A LOT of money. Poverty is very expensive.
And that's even beside the point that the friend is being very rude, the amount doesn't matter, it's that she got a lot of favors from op, and the friend doesn't seem to be returning the energy. Which is her choice, but unfortunate
Yep! The friend can choose not to return the help OP gave her in the past and OP can choose not to be friends with her anymore. Boundaries go both ways!
shaaba in your clickbait era I see 😭
I literally _just_ had a bladder cancer scare (I'm fine) and this was the first recommendation I got loll
@@osheridan ✨️magic✨️
@@osheridanglad you’re okay!
With the plane seat guy, it sounds like the woman in the story was looking for conflict, not getting up when op needed to, leading to him brushing her as he walked past, meaning that she can say she didn't have a lot of space.
Right? Who doesn’t get up to let someone out of their seat on a plane?
I mean she could have a health issue that makes it more difficult to get up multiple times a flight, in a cramped space no less.
Still I agree it was an unnecessary thing to say
@@Xeyal1001 ahhh maybe. Did not think of that. That is a possibility, but like you said, the comment was uncalled for. Flying is stressful enough as it is.
@@Xeyal1001that may be the case, but that doesn’t mean people shouldn’t get up to pee or stretch their legs during a 8 hour flight. If she had health issues, she could have asked the flight crew or even OP to switch seats so she is at the window. OP was not doing anything wrong by needing to go to the toilet, even if it was multiple times during the flight.
Absolutely. She could have gotten up so he could use the bathroom & if she couldn't due to whatever reason her getting upset because a person on an 8 hour flight has to go to the bathroom is just ridiculous. Like people don't go 8 hours without ever needing to use the restroom or getting up to stretch their legs
If the SIL had had a reception after eloping, there would have been a better chance of gifts. If I received a wedding announcement and registry with no invite to anything, I wouldn't be sending anything.
Agreed. And it isn’t that the sister-in-law did not receive any gifts, she just received less.
I would also be annoyed if my sister or sister-in-law eloped and only told me a few months after that she got married, which might also impact how generous I would be with a gift. Nothing against eloping, I also considered it, but not to tell even your close family for a few months, and then do so accompanied by a gift request, is bound to make them feel some type of way.
I feel so strange about the first story. I went to an engagement party with my now-partner pretty early in our relationship. It was a friend of his, and I don't think we'd been together for even 6 months. And THAT still felt like too intimate for me, a stranger, to be at. I cannot imagine being a stranger at a wedding, or bringing a stranger to a wedding. I think Shaaba is right - the MOH is probably feeling some type of way.
We did later go to the wedding of the couple who got engaged, so that was a nice full circle moment.
Same ! I was extended an invitation to a wedding as my boyfriend was part of the wedding party. We had been dating for 6 months by the time the wedding happened, and although his friends are absolutely amazing and welcoming, it still felt akward that I would have a seat at the head table, when some of their childhood friends didn't.
For the last one - I think Shaaba misses the point. OP feels used. They thought their friendship was built on mutual respect, they helped each other before. And OP said they also borrowed their friend money before. But now, when the tables have turned, the rules have changed. I agree no one is entitled to sombody elses money, but drawing that boundry now, when OP is in the tight spot and the friend is comfortable will sting. And the comment about working 3 jobs and budgeting is patronizing, because she didn't pull herself up, she married into wealth. And clearly she didn't budget that well if she still had to lend money or cars. And the $5 was possibly the amount OP was missing to pay for a coffee or a meal when they met. I get it. My husband's pay check was late and I was 10 PLN short when we were paying a bill on a girls lunch (my pay went for bills, rent and groceries). My girls got me, I will transfer the money tomorrow. I would do the same for them (and I did in the past).
Yes! Exactly! I’d personally feel very betrayed! Which is basically what OP said when she told her friend she didn’t feel like she had her back anymore. Then the friend insults her money management skills when she was in absolutely not position to do so… and that text after saying “I didn’t deserve that” acting the victim when she basically told her friend who helped her when she needed it that she needed to figure out a way to “pull herself up by her bootstraps.” I hate it! The friend can go in the bin!
I hope she doesn’t regret it when she burns all her bridges to the friends that were there for her when she wasn’t married to a millionaire.
@@mikaylaeager7942 I sure hope that the friend's marriage is going to last, because if she treats people who cared about her, when she was poor, like that, she isn't going to have much of a support network to fall on, if it doesn't.
Yes exactly. I also feel like saying "it's a thing not money" about the car is splitting hairs. Cause if she didn't lend the car the friend would probably be taking the bus, saving up money to repair the car, etc. So it's a "thing" but it's absolutely still about money.
And the passive aggressive comment of "learn to budget" is so rude and unnecessary
This. So much This…
I disagree. The change happened gradually. The friend when she married into wealth was helping OP and OP chose to pay her back. However, the frequent betrayal from people close to OP's friend has made her cautious of lending money. I know i would feel hurt being lumped in with everyone else when I never betrayed her, but I wouldn't have kept pushing for money and bring up me aiding her in the past. That just comes across as throwing it back in someone's face.
Secondly, just because you won't lend money, doesn’t mean that you can't help in other ways. For example, if OP told friend that she had little to nothing to eat, friend could buy her groceries. Not lending money is not the same as not helping. Now the friend is somewhat of the drama for her condescending remarks and for lumping OP in with the peoplewho betrayed her. However, OP is the bigger drama for pushing past the boundaries, throwing previous kindness back in her face and implying that because she wouldn't give her $5 that she'd let OP rot in jail.
I'd maybe say ESH for the money story. It sucks to feel like you really helped someone and now they won't reciprocate. To me it doesn't matter if its a small amount of money or car, the point is that OP helped even though it inconvenienced them. The friend also seems to have a bad attitude about it, first saying she doesn't have money and later switching her story to "it's a boundary". She also gave unsolicited budgeting advice which i dont think is fair when she got out of poverty by marrying rich. I hear you about OP needing to respect boundaries but i think they're both wrong.
Yeah, I was leaning towards YTA on the money one due to the insistence and not wanting to respect a boundary. But the comment about budgeting better really rubbed me the wrong way. Had the friend just communicated that her and her partner have decided they are not lending anyone, any amount of money due to being taken advantage of and not wanting to make it a possibility in the future even though she understands the friend has always paid money back then fine. Especially since it seems like a lot of money is the partners. But the budgeting comment?? Just… no.
@@violettefemme21 Yes exactly, she's allowed to have boundaries but she communicated it very poorly. First it was (I assume) lies about not having the money, then the boundary was mixed with a bunch of moral judgement that OP didn't really deserve.
@@alex_blue5802 agreed. And I had already forgotten about lying saying she “didn’t have it”. The boundary is 100% fine IF you communicate it clearly. Being shady and trying to imply a boundary without just being clear up front start to make you the AH.
for the last one: ESH, i think youve missed what her friend actually said, because her friend didn't say, "I feel used and I need to set hard boundaries with money because of this" she pretty much said, "you just need to get better with budgeting, I had to work three jobs to get by so you should too" basically
As an overweight person, who chooses window seats because of that (despite them being less safe), it offers more room because planes are round and not rectangles. Therefore if I lean towards the window, there's usually space that I wouldn't have in a middle or aisle seat where your space ends exactly flush with the arm rest.
Also, at least one time I sat in the aisle seat recently, there was another passenger who kept full on banging me whenever they walked down the aisle despite me even keeping my elbow and arm inside the arm rest (and even the flight attendants and their carts never hit me once on that flight).
I gotta agree with other commenters on story 4 being ESH. On the one hand, I think constantly asking someone for money when they've said no is annoying. She doesn't owe this friend an explanation. Plus, I think asking to borrow money always puts your friends in weird positions, and I do think OP has some entitlement issues just because her friend married a rich man. Plus, false equivalence is always an issue, so bringing up the "you wouldn't bail me out of jail" thing is weird, too. At the end of the day, if I were OP, I would simply have made note of the fact that my friend whom I had helped before was no longer willing to help me and distanced myself without continuing to push for money.
Nevertheless, I *do* think it matters that their friend's response was to tell them they should manage their money better--and also to shamelessly imply they pulled themselves out of poverty. If the argument for OP being an asshole is that this isn't the friend's money in the first place, it's her husband's, I think the same principle should apply to the friend arguing that "marrying a rich man" is somehow "learning to manage her money better." Like it's a shitty thing to say to a friend who helped you when you were down on their luck, to turn around and smack them down. I get we don't say nice things when we're being pushed, but still.
I agree 100%! I think you are right that OP could have handled this better.
I personally would have simply distanced myself upon learning that my friend wasn’t willing to help me out the way we had in the past. That was probably the best move but I do think is was ok for OP to express how this made them feel (that their friend didn’t have their back anymore.) If the friend had taken the opportunity to clarify her boundaries and reassure them that they would of course be there if OP really needed them (like bail or not being able to pay the rent) maybe this could have saved them from drifting apart, but that “you need to learn to be better with money” comment crossed the line. It is so out of touch and ungrateful for what OP has done for them in the past. And then they play the victim with that “I didn’t deserve that” text. I’d never talk to them again!
@@mikaylaeager7942 Also if this woman needs to check with her husband over $5, there's something very wrong with that relationship anyway.
Airlines squeeze so many people in their planes because they are not there to make you comfortable but to make money. Not bigger airplanes but more trains! (Seriously trains are super spacious normally, especially on a booked seat.)
I mean, if I helped my friend out as much as OP in last story did and friend said "it's your fault you need the money because you didn't budget and when I was poor nobody helped me" would be a massive slap in the face. At worst it's ESH but, like, she's clearly not OP's friend anymore after that.
Story 2: My wife and I were in a similar situation to OP's SIL. We eloped and told our family a few months after the fact. We had absolutely no expectation of gifts, whatsoever. In fact, one of the many reasons we eloped instead of having a wedding was because we didn't want anyone to feel obligated to give us gifts or money. We'd been living together a couple years at that point and already had everything we needed.
for the last story i kinda feel like the friend is the AH overall. like i'm not saying OP handled it in the best way (they didnt, that bail jail thing was kinda dumb), but OP's friend is basically saying "i dont trust you anymore" even though OP has shown themselves repeatedly to be trustworthy because they ALWAYS (confirmed by both OP and the friend) pay the friend back. But imagine you're like a pretty poor person financially and you have a friend who is a millionaire and you say "hey can i borrow like 5 dollars, i really need it. i'll pay you back" and they said "i dont have any money." like.... girl... don't lie to me 😂😂you're a millionaire. 5 dollars is pocket change to you. frankly 5 dollars is pocket change to most people. i think that's why, understandably, OP fixated on the 5 dollars part. i'd have fixated on it too ngl, especially if there's been no problems with lending money in the past. it's not a big sum. i kinda think most people would lend their friend 5 dollars and not even expect to be paid back. like i'm not saying the friend is obligated to give OP money, i'm just saying when you're friends with someone (who you know is reliable with money) that's kinda what you do? you help each other out if one of you needs help. it's not reasonable to lump OP in with the brothers who sound like they've been taking like possibly thousands from the friend and never paying it back. The friend is letting her paranoia(?) over her wealth cloud her judgement of her friend who has only shown themselves to be reliable.
so it's understandable that OP asked about that and then got upset about it.
also like what does the friend mean "you need to budget better." she married a millionaire, she didn't budget better to sort out her financial situation, so like what does she know about budgeting better?😂she did what we all dream of doing and married rich and all her financial problems disappeared. budgeting better doesn't fix poverty. she spoke like a true out of touch rich person.
like sorry, im just saying if i was a millionaire and i had a friend who was struggling financially, i would be offering them money to help with their situation. what else am i gonna do with all that money?
EDIT: also i dont think its weird that OP mentions how OP previously helped out the friend massively in the past. i’ve seen some comments say OPs like holding this over the friends head, but that’s not the case imo. friendship requires a give and take. its not about it being transactional. its about OP realising, wow i was willing to pay hundreds of dollars in fuel costs for my friend to use my car (which she never paid me back from even after she became a millionaire) and i was okay with that, but she’s not okay with lending me SMALL amounts of money that i willingly/always pay her back for. like…. there’s something unequal there. it’s realising you value your friend more than your friend values you.
Fully disagree on the last one. I think there needs to be more of an understanding that the same sum of money can mean very different things to different people based on their financial situation. OP said she's living paycheck to paycheck, when that happens you can often get hit with unforseen emergencies that you dont have the money on hand to deal with, and it can be nearly impossible to raise even a small sum without getting into debt. And it being a small sum does make a difference, it can be very frustrating to see that your friend is capable of helping you, it would barely be an inconvenience for her, but she's choosing not to.
Also, Shaaba, when OP brought up going to prison, she wasn't talking about being emotionally present for her in that situation! She was referring to whether her friend would pay her bail. So it's not completely unrelated. She was saying "If you're not willing to lend me even five dollars, then how do I know that you will pay my bail to get me out of jail if that becomes necessary?"
Yeah, I'm guessing Shabaa just doesn't know that in the U.S. you have to provide money up front to be bailed out of jail. I looked it up out of curiosity, and it seems that this is not how bail works in the U.K. (Brits, please let me know if I have that wrong).
The jail part confuses me. Is your system so unfair that you will be put or kept in jail for no real reason? If one of my friends ended up in jail I would assume they had done something illegal and they deserve to be there. Only being able to get bought out sounds very unfair to poor people and not harsh enough foor rich people.
@@francaaaaaaait is absolutely that unfair, depending on who you are, where you are, what you look like, how much money you have, and what kind of mood the cop who arrested you was in ?
ETA: your last line is basically the point of this system. To punish poor folks for being poor, and to allow rich folks to do anything they want.
@@francaaaaaaa the us legal system is shit. People get put in jail for bs reasons all the time. It is very unfair to poor people
@@francaaaaaaawhen you get arrested in the US (which can happen due to misunderstandings or simple things) you get put into jail for anywhere from a few hours to 72 hours (usually you’ll be seen the next day but if you’re arrested on a weekend or holiday it will be a lot longer) until you’re brought in front of a judge to determine if you can be released on “bail” until your actual trial. Depending on the type and amount of bail that the judge sets your friends or family can try to get a bail bondsmen and only pay a percentage of the total bail amount or they may have to pay the entire amount due before you can be let out of jail to await trial. Yes completely innocent people have sat in jail for weeks to months because they were unable to pay the bail that was set. It’s a rigged system that wealthy people take advantage of all the time. Just like there is a huge difference in the outcomes of cases where people can afford a private attorney vs the outcomes where the person has to depend on being represented by a public defender (an attorney assigned to you by the State if you can’t afford one).
I think with the last story, that OP feels like she’s being punished for the sins of others. Instead of treating people case by case, the friend is saying no but ignoring all the context. Like op has always paid back, they’ve helped each other for a long time and I would feel kind of betrayed that my friend suddenly didn’t trust me because other people had taken advantage. I don’t think she’s right to keep pushing but I understand why she’s upset.
The friend has decided not to lend people money anymore, regardless of paying back or not. She even told OP it is not about paying the money back or not. That is not a betrayal or a lack of trust, it is a decision the friend has made for herself. Just because they have borrowed money from each other in the past doesn’t mean they need to keep doing so in the future.
Same
I wanted to mention that Shaaba seemed to get a lil stuck on the $5 part, but it wasn't really about those specific $5. OP mentioned that the reason they asked for them was because their friend had been pretending to not have money multiple times when they asked for it, and the $5 themselves were more of an excuse to figure out what was going on
OP in the money story being like "I'm not like her brothers, I always pay it back" but also it sounds like they're also repeatedly asking to borrow money? Sure, it's not a lot of money but the fact that they do it frequently stands out to me. Especially the "well I deserve it for being such a good friend" attitude I'm getting. I think it's also a bit petty for the friend to refuse $5 but if someone ALWAYS seems to need $5, maybe this was just the last straw.
For me, even if it was all the time, if I was always paid back, it wouldn't bother me. Especially if it was a good friend who had helped me out too.
Yeah I wholeheartedly disagree with you on that last one, I’ve been struggling and still helped out friends financially when they’ve needed me it’s gross that she’s decided to fully change their dynamic of helping each other out now that she’s financially well off and is unlikely to be in need, telling her friend to “just work harder and budget better” when she lucked into her money is disgusting, like no maybe people aren’t entitled to anyone else’s money but if people aren’t willing to help out their loved ones they’re not very good friends either, it doesn’t seem to me like this friend ever took advantage so her not helping is yikes
Sorry but the friend is absolutely the AH in the last post. One, unless she went full stay at home sugar baby, the idea that she didn't have 5 dollars of her own money is ludacris and if her husband is tracking money like that then he's also abusive. Two, she wasn't asking for a handout or a gift, she asked for tiny amounts of money which she ALWAYS payed back EVEN though her broke friend never payed her back a cent of the money she used back in the day so she's already selfish from the jump. 3, she didn't manage shit, she hit the lottery and got a payday so to have the nerve to ask OP to manage her finances when she's a glorified trophy wife is so messed up. And if she is still working, then that's even worse because then she's not even giving her her husbands money, she doesn't want to loan her hers either. And finally to have the audacity to say this is why money and friends don't mix after SHE freeloaded off of her already is just trashy AF lol.
The redditors are right, she showed you who she is OP, move along and be more wise about who you help FOR FREE next time.
i think what makes the difference in the story about calling the sister in law and idiot is that op didn't bring up the word first. they didn't snap and started insulting her out of nowhere. they were calmly explaining the situation when sil said "i know i'm not an idiot", to which op responded. i think it's important that it wasn't them that 'escalated the situation'
With the first story I understand why OP would oppose to the maid of honor having a plus 1 especially if they would be a stranger. I do wonder if OP explained that part of the reason to her friend or just said no plus one.
Pretty sure it was said at the end that bride would give MOH one if she was in a relationship and bride knew the plus one. So pretty sure it was clear that it wasn't the fact that she wanted a plus one, it was the stranger and PDA issue ❤
I think because it's the maid of honor the OP is not the AH. The Best Friend won't be able to sit by their plus one and will be busy with the bridal party.
I think if the person was a regular guest it might be a different story, because a guest at a wedding isn't going to actually be spending much time with the bridal party. In all of the weddings I've been to it's either you can bring a plus one or you can't. There's no stipulations on who that person can be and it's not a big deal if you don't know them. The plus one is to help your guests feel more comfortable. That being said you should want the bride/groom's special day to go well, so you should be considerate with who you invite. And your plus one doesn't have to be a significant other, they could be a friend or relative.
"You're not entitled to other people's money." Is a sentence that's literally true. Which is what allows supermarkets to pour bleach on food to prevent people from dumpster diving. And much like I can not comprehend how any human could morally justify that behaviour, I can't comprehend how anybody could justify not lending their friends what essentially amounts to change. I genuinely and legitimately can't imagine having a life long friend ask me for 5 bucks, and that's just ask me for it not ask to borrow, where I would say no. And I don't have a single millon dollar. I swear to God individualism rotted people's fucking souls away to the point where we're for some reason all in agreement that Ebenezer Scrooge was actually super wronged by the four entitled ghosts who trespassed to guilt trip him.
@@KETimiko 😂 yeah poor Ebz was just setting a boundary! Why do those orphans feel they are entitled to his money!
All seriousness, I’m always surprised at how radical a Christmas Carol is even today when I’m doing a reread. If it had been written in the 1950s Dickens would’ve been put on a list as a commie sympathizer.
THIS omg. I personally think individualism is a great thing, but sometimes it goes too far, as the last story shows. Yes, it's OP's friend's decision. And it was super wrong and unfair. The fact that we have the freedom to decide what to do with our money doesn't mean that the others don't have the right to judge us.
Hard disagree on the last one. Some people nowadays use the word "boundaries" as an excuse to be selfish. She clearly didn't think that "money and friends shouldn't mix" back when she was the one struggling. If OP had asked for a couple hundreds for a project, I get it, but to throw a "y'all need to budget better" over $5 is really AH behavior. The friend needs to actually apologize to OP like "I'm sorry I overreacted like that, it's just that my stupid brothers won't stop squeezing me for money so it's become a sore issue, you totally didn't deserve that, you've always been there for me in the past", instead of playing victim.
PS: The money not being hers is irrelevant here. She might have needed to ask her husband for a couple hundreds, but not over a 5er for a sandwich or a coffee, or maybe a bus ride home.
I think there can absolutely be selfish or unfair boundaries. The goal should be *reasonable* and *healthy* boundaries.
@@arualblues_zero The only way I see this friendship being salvaged is if the friend apologized but she thinks she is the one who deserves the apology. I understand why OP left her unread.
The one with the airplane seat: I understand why the woman in the middle seat might not have wanted to get up. I personally don’t like standing up during flights because it means I have to unbuckle and my mind goes through all of the worst case scenarios. HOWEVER, if that was the case, that’s 100% her problem and it’s not OP’s fault at all and she shouldn’t be making passive aggressive comments about “personal space” when it was her choice whether or not to stand up
She definitely compared her to the brothers who don't pay her back. $5 is important because it's a small amount. It would serve her best to end the friendship. The respect is gone here. Her friend doesn't respect her or care enough to help. And she feels like her rich friend no longer cares enough to help her. Feelings matter, especially in friendship. Ber actions make it quite clear that her new boundry is no longer helping. She has made it clear that she can no longer ask her friend for help 🤷♀️
Hi Shaaba, I love your videos so much, your mindset and the way you think about things is really inspiring, you're one of the sweetest people I've ever come accross, I'm really hoping you and Jamie come to Ireland on tour at some point, meeting you guys would make my life complete ❤️
I can't agree with the yta for the last story. 1 it does very much feel like op is being lumped in with her family who has a history of not paying unfairly. 2 that whole "you need to budget better" sentiment was patronizing crap. The friend didn't budget better she married rich. 3 the "i didn't deserve that and i hope you know that" was also very patronizing. The friend rubs me the wrong way in all accounts. As for the money vs thing argument i have to disagree there as well because there is still monetary value there. If that wasn't the case why not get an uber, or a taxi, or ride the bus and its many transfers. The friend has discounted the history the two of them had and op should probably cut them out
Plane story: the real drama/a**holes in this situation are the airlines for creating the cramped conditions in the first place. I’m genuinely amazed there haven’t been any global mutinies over the issue!
Story four: I’m not sure how I feel about this one. I’m seeing OP’s perspective that she feels really hurt her friend is treating her the same as others. What I want you to know is the context around needing to borrow $5. Had OP left her wallet and needed a drink or to pay parking or something in the moment.
Ouch, $5 can literally mean difference between averting financial/medical/housing/etc disasters or no… (edited for tired arse not being able to type for shite)
It can easily get a meal or two from a supermarket as well
From what I understood of the wedding gift one, it's not that they got $25,000 from their family and friends, but they got several thousand and added it to their savings
And the 25,000 was a separate wedding budget not connected to saving
Yeah, I think Shaaba misunderstood that part: the savings was referring to money in their savings account, so they earnt more than they spent on the wedding.
The only part of the gifts that would be relevant is either cash gifts (which is a thing in some cultures) or practical gifts that meant that the couple didn't need to buy those things themselves (like household items).
Last one is esh. If people have your back they have your back. If they don't have your back with small stuff why would you think they have your back with major stuff? Like the multiple jobs things seems to ignore any help she got from her friend. Her friend seemed to be trying to have the now rich friend's back and feels like her now rich friend doesn't have her back. If you're poor enough, what community and connections you have matter for your ability to survive and/or thrive. Like it's not about the money as much as it is knowing whether or not they're there for you. Conversations with friend's it's more "oh I'll buy that for you" rather than the dollar amount. But it doesn't sound like that's the sort of conversation going on there but that might be partially because the OP dropped in financial status recently. It's a lot of protectiveness on the side and not ideal communication on the both sides. I feel like half the arguments defending the friend who was exploited for her partner's wealth involve hypotheticals. The fact of the matter is we don't know her situation outside of what she communicated. Yeah you can set up boundaries and they should be respected. But also boundaries have meaning and this boundary implies a potential decrease in closeness and a separation from how close they were as friends. There was no offering of help instead of money by the friend who had married rich. There was frustration vented but no communication of an actual option by either side. Like the OP said one thing and the married a rich person friend didn't say "of course I would bail you out in a bad situation I just can't deal with that" it was more "I was exploited so I'm not comfortable giving you $5". One clearly wanted some sense of security and knowing the other had her back. I would bet money even if they person didn't pay the $5 if she would've communicated more about why this wouldn't have been an issue. I think if the other person asked for help not money and the other was willing to help the person than this wouldn't have been an issue. Solidarity is important for community and it looks like there wasn't any communicated here.
There are a lot of weddings where everyone gets a +1 and a lot of people bring a new date or are stressed about not being able to find one (there are whole "fake dating" movie plots about this). But if OP #1 has been clear about only inviting people she knows, I don't know why Maid of Honor is sticking to that "I HAVE to have a +1" thing.
I've had people get really hung up on $5 when they are broke and need a pack of cigarettes. I don't think they cost $5 anymore, but the story made me think about that
There's more reasons people elope than "not wanting a wedding" a lot of people do it because they cant afford a wedding or they want the legal benefits before they can afford the party.
Personally I think she should have asked about the sister in laws thought process rather than calling her an idiot, mostly because I want to know it
Edit: Also wedding gifts aren't "thank you for a party" gifts, they're traditionally meant to help a couple set up their lives. It clearly isn't the case in the post because of timing and stuff, but the whole thing got me thinking about how the people who can't afford a wedding are the ones who need that help most.
Story 1: my wife and I only invited like 10 people to our wedding but technically had 1000+ but to be fair we got married in a group ceremony at our local pride festival so it was total stranger chaos. We're planning on having a more "traditional" ceremony with specific guests at another time and there's only going to be like 10 guests not including the 10 or so people in the ceremony proper so I get the not wanting people you don't know at a special ceremony
I love how you worded this. I definitely went "1000+ what?" before immediately having my question answered, lol. Also, your wedding sounds very unique and magical!
Shaaba I had a bad encounter at work today over wearing a headscarf for the first time but I'm glad you posted ❤.
❤
Ugh I’m so sorry :(
Sending you virtual hugs. I am sorry people at your work were negative about your personal choice to wear a headscarf ❤
🤗
What you wear, so long as no rules are broken & safety is adhered to, is up to you. A headscarf is perfectly fine & keeps your hair out of the way too, so it doesn't catch in stuff or fall in food. It's practical as well as important to many cultures. Nobody should be making a fuss over it.
Story three: NTA. Middle seat lady is ridiculous. She’s essentially being pass-ag because she chose not to move.
Planes are part of the problem.
It’s a simple reality that it’s shared transport and everyone has to compromise and be considerate of other passengers.
I’m sorry but millionaires wife is an enormous asshole for telling her friend she needs to learn to be better with money and “pull herself up by her bootstraps” when she basically won the lottery. She is acting like she earned that money through hard-work and good money management when she, like every rich AH who ever lived, just got f*cking lucky!
I would end the friendship.
I’d rather have a broke friend that depends on me occasionally and I can always depend on for help, than an AH that thinks they are better than me and won’t lend me $5 bucks when I’ve always paid them back.
You should never lend money to a friend anyway that you wouldn’t theoretically be ok giving them as a gift. You shouldn’t be your friend’s banker but something like $20 or $5 when you have that to spare… just give it to them!
I’ve been broke my whole life and I don’t hesitate to lend my friends $5 as long and they are the type of person who either pays me back or doesn’t ask often.
If they are asking for a larger sum or are someone who regularly asks and never pays me back then that’s a different story.
The sad thing is I bet the friend would have given her the $5 before she got rich… even if she barely had more than that to spare because people without money depend on community while rich people don’t need anyone so they don’t bother building community.
Just to clarify it’s not her choice not to lend OP $5 that’s the AH move, it’s what she said during the conversation after that literally made my jaw drop.
She could have said… “I’m uncomfortable with how our friendship dynamic has changed. It feels like my friends are always asking me for money and it makes me feel as if that’s my only value as a person.” That could have lead to a productive conversation and a strengthening of their friendship but instead she accused OP of being bad with money and needing to learn how to be more fiscally responsible when she should know from experience that that’s not how being poor works.
Research shows that the poor are generally much more conscious of their money than the rich because every penny means something to them. Spending money on one thing literally means you won’t be able to spend it on something else. Spending money for a rich person means pulling from potential investments.
It’s a trade off, but it’s not the same. One is calculating if going out with your friends this weekend will end up pulling too much out of your grocery budget for the week. The other is deciding if buying that boat is worth removing that money from the investment account where it is currently working hard to make you even more money.
THIS! Exactly. People really need more sensitivity to understand that the world looks very different based on whether you're poor or rich. Without that, you end up prioritising the feelings of the rich over the material survival of the poor.
"You should never lend something to a friend that you wouldn't be theoretically okay giving them as a gift". Can I say I love this. I understand the sentiment of not wanting to mix money and friendship, but THIS is the solution to that, not flat out refusing to help your friends when you very easily can. Otherwise, it's easy to say "I don't mix money and friendship" when you're the rich one, but it can be very frustrating to be the poor friend when you're prioritising your fears over their immediate and material needs.
I disagree with Shaaba when she seems to think the amount being asked doesn't matter, and I was struggling to articulate why, but this is why. Because when you ask for a small sum, that's a gift, your asking your friend to do you a favour, to help you out, albeit a favour that you will repay. When you're asking for a large sum, then it becomes a loan, and I think slightly different considerations may apply there. But I don't see a difference between asking for a five dollar loan and asking your friend if you could borrow their vehicle for something you urgently need to do, or some other favour.
@@sreyarthakrishna6195 “Prioritizing the feelings of the rich over the material survival of the poor” is so spot on!
Shabaa has a very hard line on people having the right to do whatever they want with their own money. In theory I agree, but just because you HAVE the right doesn’t MAKE it right. You have the right to say anything you want, but if you’re monopolizing the conversation or making someone uncomfortable you’re still being an AH and people aren’t going to want to hang out with you.
I think this mindset comes from either having the privilege of never having to depend on someone else for financial support, or alternatively having a lot of shame over having to ask someone for help. That kind of shame is what leads people into this radical self reliance mindset, where you never ask anyone for help (and conversely you have no obligation to offer help). It’s bizarrely conservative but it’s also very English and possibly even more American.
People want to imagine they are capable of doing everything on their own without any help from anyone, but that’s a myth. We all depend on other people. The less you have the more apparent this becomes.
I guess I should disclose, I’m probably biased by my own anarcho-communist leaning beliefs.
You've both said what I was thinking better than I could have, so there's not much point in me making the long, meandering comment I was planning to make, bringing up the exact same points. I just wanna add another thing - cars cost money, which Shaaba seems to overlook in her response. Gas, first and foremost, is hella expensive, so OP was, in fact, indirectly lending money to their friend by letting them use their car and not asking for money for gas. There's also repairs, cleaning, etc. And also, when you lend someone your car, it means you don't get to use it while they have it. Very, very different from lending someone $5 imo.
@@elliel.5915also, $5 is $5. If friend was in an accident with the car (even if it wasn't her fault), OP would be financially responsible for that. Loaning a car is way more of a risk than loaning $5.
My question with the friend/money one is wether or not the friend paid OP back for the money OP gave her to help out when she was struggling. If not, I think that changes the scenario a bit.
Everyone sucks on the last story. Their positions have essentially flipped and neither is handling that gracefully. OP is pushy in a way that their friend probably wasn’t, and the friend is not willing to go as far to help someone who is living the same situation she herself needed help with.
Total conjecture here but I have a feeling the friends rich husband has had some influence on her change in attitude. There is sometimes just a level of entitlement that comes with money, especially if you are accustomed to it. But that may be a reach.
For the 3rd one: I thing OP originally asked for more than $5 but after hearing 'no' tried to be like 'What about at least $5?' (trying to figure out if and how much she'll lend him) and still got no and then used it to make her look bad.
About the second story:
My oldest sister eloped with her (now) husband after she figured it wasn't worth the money or hassle to have a big wedding. Only four people were there: my two sisters and their husbands. So not even parents or me, their younger sis were present. And guess what? She didn't get gifts. Our dad took us out for dinner once to congratulate them, and that's it.
No wedding=no wedding gifts
Nothing makes Monday like growing with Shaaba and my fellow peaches :) I hope you're all doing well!
Starting off spicy with the title omg
I really liked how you were able to put yourself in the shoes of the maid of honor on the first story and provide a posible explanation for her behavior. That is why I specially like your approach, and enjoy your videos. You go the extra mile emotionally.
When it comes to the third story though, I very much disagree. While I can see what you say about this being "not her money, and more her husband's money" and OP not being entitled to the money... The reality is that the quantities here are ridicule. I don't mean the 5dollars but the 25. If my friend is falling in financial hardship and asks to borrow such a low sum which they always return, I would not think to refuse them. Specially if my friend had been generous to me in the past when I was falling short. Also, disagree with the car analogy. When a car is used and you put no gas in, that means OP payed for those extra miles, because she had to put gas more often. Also, the actual car: tires, and motor etc is getting used and contributes to maybe needing more repairs sooner. Mileage ages a car.
While when the friend is lending 25 bucks and getting it back she looses no money whatsoever.
Also, the whole 5 dollars insistence might come from the friend not being straightforward and probably maybe lying when she said she had no 25 dollars on. OP then reduced the amount to see if she then would keep up or tell her what's going on. At that point my pride would be so hurt, feeling like a stranger asking for change in the subway and being lied and denied.
That is why maybe OP might have felt like they could not rely on their friend anymore, because after being refused like that and then getting a preachy tone-deaf text of "learn to budget better, I had too" , It might feel really hard to ask for help again.
Again, I would understand the friends perspective if the amounts where bigger and they were not being returned, but for 25 dollars, c'mon.
Exactly my thoughts. I would 100% agree with all the reasoning if OP had asked for a few hundreds or something, but are we supposed to believe that this woman, who is married to a wealthy man, can't spare $5, or that she has to ask her husband for $5?
I feel like the issue in the last story may be deeper routed than just a relationship between two friends.
My father used to help everyone around him no matter how hard and/or expensive it was for him. He couldn't refuse anyone and often helped without being specifically asked. However, by the end of his life he got burned out and even resentful, because people didn't often reciprocate his efforts even though it was only fair and expected in his opinion. It was ingrained in him culturally that people have to help others and sadly he wasn't able to work on this system of believes properly, so it negatively affected his mental state. I can very well imagine how hurt he would be in the same situation as the 3rd OP: 1) a friend refuses to help you even a little 2) your previous help isn't recognized and appreciated 3) you're belittled and patronized for something that you consider "only fair".
So if the OP had such a strong reaction I would highly recommend exploring this situation further with a professional, because it may impact their life even more negatively down the line.
On the formerly poor friend now married to a millionaire. I have mixed emotions. First, no one has said that she is no longer working, so with regards to amounts like $5, yes it is her money. Second, I think the point is that it is such a trivial amount that it feels hurtful that someone who clearly doesn't have a problem coming up with $5 and is a long time friend that OP has loaned money or things (money in the form of her never having to put gas in the car is actual money) that wasn't ever even paid back, so I can see why OP is feeling like she is no longer a close *trustworthy* friend when she has clearly been showing herself to be so all along.
I do understand the friend feeling insecure about money after her change in status, but we have no idea if she is getting flack or other bs for loaning money or maybe even for having poor friends. Either way, if OP has presented this reasonably accurately, then I don't think she's TAH. However, I do think she ought to talk more with her friend, see what's up.
Story one: NTA
I can see why MOH might want a date as weddings seem to bring out the societal expectations around life milestones and she might feel self conscious but I agree with Shaaba.
i disagree on the money one. its not about the boundary setting, its about the hypocrisy. when she was in a hard place, OP did what she could to help her out. now that the friend has married into money, instead of helping her friend who helped her, she's being condescending and telling her to get more jobs and budget better. thats a shitty move as a friend. now thats shes in a better place she wont help her friends.
I'm also a bit torn about the last one, with the $5. There are a lot of good points made here and I don't think I want to argue any of them in particular, but I did want to point out something with regards to Shaaba's argument re: the perspective thing. You can't say "Well if it were this way, the OP would have said so," and then also jump to make assertions about what the friend in the story was thinking or feeling. We have to go on the information we're given (or ask for more). Maybe OP didn't accuse their longtime friend of being "too posh for them" in their post because that thought didn't occur to them, or they are trying to see their friend as a better person than that, but it doesn't mean the vibe wasn't there. Or, to flip the coin - we've belabored on about the friend setting boundaries about lending money that need to be respected, but she... actually didn't? She didn't say to OP, "I'm no longer comfortable lending money (to you/anyone), and here's why, please don't ask again," she said "I don't have it." And only when pressed, dropped what probably felt to OP like an accusation more than a boundary setting, by insinuating the OP is taking advantage of her in the same way her brothers do. Basically it reads to me like, OP observes behavior in their friend that makes them feel some kind of way, expresses those feelings, and when the friend hears "I'm hurt and I feel this way," hits them back with some DARVO and a misdirect of "well, I wouldn't have had to hurt your feelings if you managed your money better."
Maybe both parties have valid feelings in this situation. But the way the story is told, the friend is not acting much like a friend.
Hard agree on the first three definitely. Also very much empathize with the plane op, those seats are just awful
Agree in general with the last one too, but my partner and I came down more on ESH. OP's hurt is understandable, if they were used to having a kinda "share and share alike" relationship where you could rely on someone and they could rely on you, being denied that when, to your view, the other person is in a much better position to help has got to feel kind of surprising and bad. Especially when you've always been good about paying them back and such.
(And on a side note, idk if gas prices are better in the UK, but depending on where they are, if they're in the US, not asking for gas money when someone's putting miles on your car can get pricy QUICK)
And on the friend's side, it's gotta suck to feel like everyone is demanding money you don't even have full control over, and if you don't feel comfortable asking your partner all the time about "hey can we help my brother/friend/etc with xyz" or telling said brother or friend why you won't help THEM when you helped someone else, then it gets kinda dicey.
That said, we landed on ESH bc of how the whole thing played out. OP probably should have let it drop after the first refusal, but the friend probably should have been clearer about it. A "hey sorry, with everything going on, my husband and i talked about it and we're putting a boundary about this in place" instead of "hey sorry i don't have that". And especially not the "you should budget better" thing, that just came off as unnecessary and rude.
EDIT:
Was thinking more about this, and I think a lot of that last aita, and frankly a lot of money related aita posts have to do with ✨️reciprocity✨️
Most positive human relationships are built on some degree of reciprocity. Both members of a long distance couple making the effort to go and visit the other, as jobs, money, and time allow. One friend treating the rest of the group to icecream, another offering to drive the group to the movies. Parents model this for their kids, taking them to buy a toy for their friend or a gift for mother's day/father's day/etc. While i agree that friendships and such should not be transactional, it's easy to feel hurt or unappreciated when you do a lot of giving and get very little in return.
And I think this probably applies to both OP and the friend in this scenario. OP sees this situation as "I've helped you, why won't you do the same for me?" And friend may see it as "I'm giving so much to so many people and not getting much of anything in return."
And like. I don't think reciprocity need to be exactly equal. I think healthy relationships take into account people's circumstances. My partner's parents are incredibly kind and generous with gifts, and my partner and I can't afford to get them the same expense levels of gifts. But we still make the effort to get them something we think they'd enjoy. A friend of mine needed help getting to and from college a lot (a 6+ hour drive), which I did for him, and he would cook amazing meals when he was around. These aren't exactly equal things, in terms of time or effort or money, but the important thing is everyone is showing the care and appreciation for the other people.
I love the wonderful edit you made to your comment. In a modern world that sometimes feels like pushes us more and more towards selfishness, it can be difficult to remember that we are at most social beings. It can be as little as listening to a friend who just needs to vent, pick someone up from the doctor's office, water plants for a friend who's out of town, it doesn't need to be an expensive gift or money. And sometimes it can be giving someone lousy $5 because it's almost the end of the month and they couldn't afford coffee this morning, and it can also be emotionally supporting a friend who's suddenly swarmed by family members squeezing her for money because she happened to marry a rich guy and had a total AH moment out of sheer frustration.
We don't know the details, but I just wanted to let you know how much I loved your edit.
For the last one, regardless of whether i agree with Shaaba's ultimate ruling, i feel like she made a lot of assumptions and leaps beyond what was in the post. I think ESH was the proper ruling, but Shaaba seemed to disregard the shitty things the friend said just because they didn't fit the motivation Shaaba had ascribed
I only had 9 people at my wedding, but I know that a couple more people and it would have turned to 200 😂
Bruh most people bring money for weddings to help pay for their plate 😭 if you elope, you are unlikely to get so many gifts and money!!
I have gift anxiety. For my boyfriend, gifts is one of his love languages. If we got married, can we get half eloped? Lol, nah, he also hates the idea of a big wedding
Maybe it's cultural thing, because even tought about inviting someone to the wedding without plus one is shocking to me. In my culture (I'm polish) it would be one of the most rude thing you can do. Way more offensive to the person, than not inviting them at all. Even teenagers can bring plus one. Only people who actually came to the weddings alone are children, widows and widowers, or clergy members. And first date at someones wedding, or bringing platonic friend is very normal.
I have been invited to weddings without a +1 especially if it’s smaller and I know other people at the wedding. But if your guest doesn’t have any overlapping social groups with you (i.e. won’t know anyone at the wedding) or is in the wedding party (especially MOH/BM) it’s absolute madness to not give them a +1.
That is so interesting, especially that it is not uncommon to bring a casual date as a plus one to a wedding. Love learning about different cultures and customs!
@@Mike-di1ogI agree with this and I also think that bringing a friend as a +1 is acceptable. To me it doesn’t need to be a date and, especially in the case where the person won’t know many people there, it is more of a “feel free to bring someone so you don’t feel awkward not knowing many people”.
In the case of this story, I can understand why OP did not allow a +1 though, because the MOH know a lot of people there and it was also clear she wanted to bring a casual date. If the MOH had expressed that she wanted to bring a friend and named a specific person, that might have felt different to OP.
I think this is a cultural difference and related to the size of the wedding. I wouldn't want to meet someone for the first time on my wedding day. Only people I really love and care about should be there.
The first, maid of honor, sounds like Rose from "Keeping Up Appearances"! 😂
I think that the first three are pretty straightforward and I agree with Shaaba completely.
The last one is trickier. I'm pretty generous with the people I choose to have in my life and would help them with anything they need. I can help my people with money, skills that I have or things that I own and they help me when I need something. I'm in quite nice financial situation and some of my loved ones are not. If the roles were later reversed and they would refuse to help with only an explanation, that other people were taking advantage of them, it would make me rethink the entire relationship. If someone asks help and then refuses to help others, I feel they are taking advantage of people around them.
The friend is obviously entitled to set any boundaries she wants, but the OP is as entitled to decide that the friend isn't someone she wants around anymore.
If the friend is completely dependent of her husband's money and doesn't have any money she can spend to whatever she likes, then I would be concerned for her.
Especially if she can't spare a $5 that is hardly enough for a coffee. I think the amount being so small is really what makes things worse.
@@arualblues_zero Yeah. If my friend asked me for $5, I wouldn't expect them to pay it back and if they constantly asked for small loans, I would try to find out, if there was a better way for me to help them.
@@arualblues_zero Yeah. If my friend asked me for $5, I wouldn't expect them to pay it back. If they constantly asked for small loans, I would try to figure out, if there was a better way for me to help them.
If someone eloped, and then I was informed about it, I would probably send a card and a bottle of nice wine. And that's it. If there is a party on a later date it might be a bit of cash. Friends got married in February, invited friends to ceremony only, party was for family. Friends gave them flowers, wine, small items and cards, and it was understood it will be like that. Honestly they were glad we came to the church to witness their union.
As a general rule of thumb if you're invited to a wedding you give a gift equal to what the bride and groom would spend on your meal.
Elopement= $0 on meal = $0 gift.
If doing the minimum to help your friend is a boundry to you, I don't think you're a good friend. I don't think that OP's friend literally owes her money, but I think it's natural to expect some reciprocation after we help a friend out from a bad situation. Love and friendship are for the good and for the bad. If only one side is willing to help the other when the bad times come, it's not true love\friendship.
This is your regular reminder that you're all awesome, beautiful and valid little peaches, just the way you are ❤🧡💛💚💙💜Love you all ❤🧡💛💚💙💜
I would say on the last, at least to me, that it's ytd on both sides. I can understand that it's her money & if she is having people taking advantage of her, then she absolutely has the right to set a boundary to not lend out any more money even with people she knows can & will pay it back but she definitely should have done better at communicating that isn't of telling her friend that they need to budget better because people can be doing a great job at budgeting but at the same time still be struggling financially. Her friend is also being the drama because why is there this big push over the $5 and then the jump to because they won't lend them the $5 they wont help out in some major situation down the road & then getting a bit petty about bringing up the times they helped her out. I can understand when someone does need money & has always paid it back in the past, but communication is the big thing they're both needing to do here, especially after she to reach out about it. They could have asked for the money and explained why they needed it, and then when the friends said no, they could then either ask them why or respect their decision. If they go with former, it still should be to respect them regardless of if they explained why because it's their money & their choice to make. Especially in this case when they're dealing with other people, making them uncomfortable by taking advantage of them. Edited for spelling errors
omg I so wanna watch this now but it's 11:30 and I have school tomorrow :(( like this is a wild ass title
With the last one, OP says "I understand I am not entitled to her money", but does she? It sounds like she absolutely thinks she is entitled to her friends money because she use to lend her car to that friend. That is not helping someone in need, that is wanting something in return for a favour. How long is she expecting her friend to pay that favour back? And as you said, Shaaba, it's not the friends money, it's her husband that is the millionaire and setting a boundary when you feel used is setting a boundary, nothing else.
If you expect to be helped in return then you say "ok, you can borrow my car but remember this, remember that I helped YOU, I might call in the favour in the future", which is not helping out a friend in need because you have a big heart.
No one is entitled to anyone else's money, but also: If you are friends with people you help each other out, especially with a long history of having been helped out by those friends. And if 5 Dollars is something you refuse to lend to such a friend who *always* pays you back, that makes you TAH. Just admit you don't care about the friendship but more about the money (that you wouldn't even lose, you would be given it back). That is not being entitled so someone's money, that is "This is what a firendship should be like, and if it isn't, it is no friendship."
I just started Doctor Who 😍 (9th doctor era) and I am loooooiving it
Seriously surprised at how many people think the last OP is entitled to borrow money from her friend. OP can be annoyed but the friend is also allowed to express a boundary and say no more borrowing money. Just because she did it in the past doesn’t mean she needs to keep doing so forever and for all eternity.
If OP is that upset about not being able to borrow $5 it makes me question how strong the friendship is and what it is based on. Also to keep asking and pushing is seriously disrespectful and gives me the vibes of OP having the mentality of “she is wealthy so if won’t matter to her and she needs to help me”.
I think it's more about the reciprocation than the money, OP helped her friend when she was in need but her friend won't do the same. Her friend now being a millionaire, when OP probably wasn't when she was letting her friend borrow money, probably doesn't help and feels like even more of a slap in the face. It's similar with emotional labour/support in friendships; if your friend is going through it and you comfort them because you care about them, you would kind of expect that to be a two way street. It may be an unspoken presumption, but most healthy relationships are based on balance of some sort. If you were to then be going through a rough time and that same friend doesn't offer you any comfort or support, it suggests that they were probably just taking advantage of you before. Sure, no one is entitled to anyone's emotional resources or money, but if the person refusing to offer either type of support was more than willing to receive it themselves, I think it says more about them for not reciprocating than the person that's upset that it was one-sided and potentially feels taken advantage of
@@looc_96 the friend DID help in the past though, so it wasn’t one sided and it is not that a case of OP always being there for her friend and the friend never being there for her. Friend did lend money in the past and, I’d assume was a supportive friend in other ways. She simply now said she doesn’t wish to lend anyone money anymore - it isn’t specifically about OP, it is about nobody borrowing money anymore. That doesn’t mean she will not be supportive and a friend in other ways anymore. If OP is willing to throw away the whole friendship over not borrowing $5 that also says a lot about the friendship being, to her at least, a lot about money and not about true support and care for each other.
@@s.a.4358 I don't know, I wouldn't be worried about lending a friend £5 if they consistently helped me out in the past (and proved that they would pay me back). Particularly if I had the means to do so. The friend could have explained why she couldn't/wasn't willing to anymore, but she didn't. Going back to the emotional support example, I would also be confused if someone who used to be there for me (after I'd always been there for them) suddenly turned me away and lied about why. It's not about being entitled to £5, it's about the in-balance of effort since OP was always willing to help the friend and the friend couldn't even have a calm, rational conversation about why the dynamic shifted.
The airline one is a classic case of the People In Charge (tm) getting the underlings to fight with each other to distract everyone from the real villain, which is the airlines. I hate to go all tinfoil hat but I'm convinced this is also the reason airplane seats have a recline button, to make passengers think other passengers are the bad guys instead of the people who made the worst seats humanly possible
Regarding the last one, I was ready to vote YTA until the friend told OP that she needs to budget better. The friend got lucky and that's why she doesn't have to struggle anymore, but OP wasn't. It's such an entitled response. Not engaging in a conversation after telling someone your opinion is shitty too though. OP being pushy wasn't right, she's not entitled to her friend's money because she married a wealthy husband. Feeling like you can't trust someone to help you because they don't lend you 5 dollars is weird af. But I do feel like not lending your best friend 5 dollars is strange, especially if they have a track record of being quick to give it back. But I understand if the friend is fed up with constantly being asked for money by everyone around her so now no matter who asks and how much money it is, the friend is annoyed or feels insecure. Or perhaps she and her husband or the husband decided she wouldn't lend anybody money anymore because she gave her brothers a lot and they never gave anything back. But because the friend didn't explain herself properly and just told OP to budget better, ESH.
My dad and step mum eloped. Literally told me the day of. I was mad for like 2 seconds but then happy for them. They didn't expect gifts. Everyone was happy with that situation and happy for them and I still at the very least got a framed picture of them on their wedding day that is now on display in my flat so all smiles all round. second story. SIL is an idiot. OP is not the drama.
I disagree with the $5 story. Her friend is taking the fact that her brothers dont pay back out on her. Its really messed up to not help with FIVE WHOLE DOLLARS!
The airplane lady boggles my mind. I haven't been near an airplane in ten years, but I do take the train every damn week or so, and even though train seats are notoriously bigger than airplane seats, I STILL GET UP WHEN THE PERSON WITH THE WINDOW SEAT NEXT TO ME (I'm an aisle seat kind of person) ARRIVES / NEEDS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM / ETC. Why ? Because squeezing past is an uncomfortable experience for EVERYONE involved. So-- JUST GET UP. IT'S SO MUCH SIMPLER. And if you don't ? Well, you certainly don't get to complain about the consequences of your own damn actions. -_-
I miss Shaaba saying 'Let's go fishing for a-holes!' It had such a nice ring to it. Drama just doesn't have enough drama 😂
On some level I agree with those of you are saying that budgeting and working multiple jobs is not what changed the friends financial situation. But my questions through the whole story were (1)Why is OP pushing that hard for $5? (2)Did OP explain to the friend why the money was needed? The only scenario I can think of where $5 would be somewhat important is when my bills are about to be due and I'm a little short, then $5 might save me from late fees or an overdraft fee. Otherwise, $5 doesn't get much now days. Either way, seems like a dumb reason to destroy a friendship.
"Plus one" doesn't have to be romantic partners. I'm pretty sure it's worded vague on purpose so as not to exclude single or ace people. I've brought my sister as my plus one to work events.
I think that last one about money is an ESH for me. I completely get the frustration of OP, it's really hard to be in a difficult money sitatuion and ask for help from someone who has helped you before and be told no. I don't think it's fair for them to play the 'yeah but I helped you before card' cause clearly if they did help before it's cause they could and you can not say I never asked for anything in return while asking for something in return.
I also think the friend sucks for saying they should just budjet better cause no amount of budjetting will get you out of trouble if you're on minimal wage trying to pay rent or what ever. She doesn't have any right to imply that OP should just do better, she herself lucked out meeting the rich hubby that got her in a safer situation financially.
However OP has no idea of the exact situation the friend is in. It's possible she really doesn't have any money. It's possible husband said that she can't lend money to anyone again cause of what happened with others or that she herself just feels taken advantage of. I think there needs to be an honest conversation there and OP doesn't seem to want to hear it.
disagree about the last one. I would always give my friends money, infact some owe me large sums and im working class. I have richer friends who dont do that and honestly it just shows how money changes people. once they have it they are scared to loose it and i have no respect for that, as they sacrifice their humanity for wealth
not accidental t bag, im deceased
I had to Google it…
@@jennifers5560 ah my troll gamer brain has seen in game t bagging a lot lol
@@princesskrazy13 😂😂
8:17 also when people get partners, they often leave their friends behind in some ways
Honestly, I love the phrase "There's three sides to every story - yours, theirs, and the truth." That's something that I try to keep in mind ever since I first heard you use it in one of your videos.
That aside, I'm very much on board with everything you said. I think that the friend in the last story could have been a little clearer in explaining her boundaries. (Of course that doesn't mean that OP is entitled to an explanation, but I still feel like that could have helped the situation.) But that's the only point I can think of to add to your verdicts
I’m here for Shaaba doing family math!
I read math as “meth” and was SO confused
@@Imjustkendall that would be confusing! 😁
OP tried to reason with her sister-in-law and SIL escalated by saying she was being treated like an idiot. It's not quite the same as calling OP an idiot, but its rude. OP was just feeding into that same energy and is NTD.
ESH on the last one. The OP probably shouldn’t have pushed it and I get that the friend has had bad past experiences but the implication she said was I think you will steal from and you need to learn finance better to stop being poor (the thing the friend did not do and relied on ops help for). Her friend is literally seeing her struggle for me the other side and not helping. That hurts. It’s not that it’s 5 dollars it’s that you’re not worth 5 dollars to help. Especially when op put themselves in a vulnerable situation to help them (what if ops car had broken. OPs friend showed that they are not willing to put in the same amount of effort and that there opinion of OP isn’t very high.
Cash gifts at weddings from friends and family are kinda common and they would usually give more, a couple hundred or maybe a thousand or so.
My favorite series I love! Makes me feel less alone, makes me die of laughter and smile! So glad I find this series and you! I hope you always keep this series. Thanks for all hard work you do!🎉😊❤
Always Love my Monday Shaaba drama runs!❤🎉
I would not buy a gift for anyone if i weren't invited to a wedding.. Maybe i would buy something for my sister, but i would not buy a gift for someone if I'm not invited to some kind of celebration.
I am hoping we can buy a house, if we do, i would love to have an open garden "wedding celebration" where people can drop by and celebrate us, and i would NOT be expecting gifts from anyone but like close family because ofc they would bring something :P But i would not ask my guests for anything but their company for the day
All I can think of for that last one is that parody of the Five Nights at Freddy's timeline (by the Ooftroop I think?) where the reason William Afton starts his murder spree is because Henry owes him five dollars 🤣
Last OP is the drama. Once the friend started saying no and they knew it was bc they were being taken advantage of, OP should have backed off. The friend was loaning OP money for a while until they stopped, so it's not like they left OP high and dry. It feels like OP got too comfortable relying on their friend for interest free loans. At a certain point, asking someone for loans over and over can leave someone feeling used. The fact that they asked for $5 to "test" whether the friend would give them money shows OP equates lending money with caring. Does this friend owe it to OP to lend them money indefinitely bc OP helped them out? OP guilt tripping makes them the drama 100%
Interest free loans... of $5? lol ok
The fact is, though, if the friend thinks like you, that this is purely transactional, then OP is doing the right thing by distancing themselves from her. The friendship is clearly over anyway.
The $5 sounded more like a test than an actual need
Or it’s the cost of a loaf of bread and some butter, to have something to eat for the last few days of the month.
@@lijuanzhou6971 I was thinking food to eat for maybe a day???
@@lijuanzhou6971 I feel like OP would've stated that if it was that serious. Instead they made it sound like a test. The friend said no to a larger amount so they tried the smallest amount. Seemed like OP was more mad at the reason for saying no than the actual denial.
@@elaineb7065 For me a loaf of bread lasts about 6 days just for breakfast and lunch, with dinner it would last maybe 3-4 days, I could stretch it for a day or two more, if I were to skip lunch, but that would not work for long.
@@bunji_beans Could be, could also be, that OP asked for the amount, they’d need for groceries and when the friend said no, they asked for the bare minimum, to avoid going hungry. There just isn’t enough information.
That last person is simply wanting to push against her friend's new boundary. She simply does not respect her. Not anything about money at all.
On the last one the part where OP says 'I understand I am not entitled to anyone else's money, but...' the but negates the first part for me. Like they said I get that I am not entitled but I did do all these favors so I kind of am. It gives the feeling that you do favors as almost an investment for when you will have to ask for one, so that you can expect them to HAVE to do what you ask. If you are doing a favor it should be like volunteering, because you want to help someone out of difficulty and not for the recognition or returns for yourself. I definitely think OP is the drama and I agree with Shaaba that they only want to state their feelings but not face how their actions are making their friend feel in that conversation.
Hi momma Shaaba!! ♥️♥️♥️