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How Mean Mothers Impact Self-Love - Terri Cole
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- Опубликовано: 14 авг 2024
- If I asked you who you think has had the deepest impact on your ability to love yourself - from the earliest age of your life - who would you say? If you said your mother (or primary caregiver) then you would be correct.
This week we are going to examine the impact that a mean or unloving mother can have on your ability to love yourself and create meaningful long-lasting relationships.
From birth, babies with loving mothers (or primary caregivers) get positive validation and feedback (mirroring and care) - from their very first interactions. If a mother is unable to stay lovingly connected to her child with attention, affection and care, there are emotional consequences.
To grab the free guide that goes with this episode, check out the blog post and scroll to the end: www.terricole....
TIME STAMPS:
0:00 - Introduction
0:48 - The isolation you might experience when you have an unloving mother
2:05 - How the disease to please shows up when you have an unloving mother
4:11 - Why you might have a lack of confidence when you have a mean mother
5:00 - Why you might attract other judgmental women in your life (and the 3 Qs)
7:31 - Why you might have an ambivalent or avoidant attachment style
9:20 - Steps to heal from a rejecting mother
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ABOUT TERRI COLE:
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and global leading expert in female empowerment. For two decades, Terri has worked with some of the world’s most well-known personalities from international pop stars to Fortune 500 CEOs. Terri has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible, and then actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change i.e. true transformation. She empowers over 250,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, Real Love Revolution and Boundary Bootcamp + her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. She is also the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free (April 2021)
CONNECT ON SOCIAL:
Facebook: www.terricole....
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Terri Cole: www.terricole.com
RESOURCES:
BetterHelp: betterhelp.com... I no longer offer one-on-one coaching/therapy sessions but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs.
As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp’s resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help’s service, I will receive a commission on the referral but please know that I only recommend services that I know & trust.
My book, Boundary Boss: boundarybossbo...
Understand and Transform Your Mother Wound: I created this course to help you break free of the insecurity and confusion that comes from having a mother wound and learn how to prioritize your preferences, your pleasure and yourself. www.terricole....
www.terricole.... - If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger the resources on this page can provide you with immediate help
#terricolerealloverevolution #motherwound #selflovejourney #terricoleshow
I never knew why I always felt uncomfortable around other women. Always felt that they didn't like me. So I don't have any close friends. "If my own mother doesn't like me, why would anyone else". Thank you so much for this video.
You're welcome! And thank you for articulating your struggle. I hear you.
Oh my gosh! Absolutely! I have always felt nervous around other women! Never knew why? You have given me clarity..thank you. Now I understand why I don't feel this around my friends who are male and my husband's friends..😮
They say : “Have you tried TALKING to her??” Yes!! Always it was MY fault, because of course all mothers are believed to be loving and nurturing!!
Yes not all mothers are the same! I'm witnessing you and your experience with compassion.
Yes, no one wants to believe a mother would be so mean 😢
I am the avoidant. I don’t even know how to react when someone is nice. It makes me suspicious of them. It’s like I can’t accept it. I isolate and distance myself.
I understand your reaction and want to encourage you to get into therapy to change this cycle so you can build the healthy, beautiful relationships you deserve. I am cheering you on!
I can relate..
So sad :/
Its feels like they have a hidden agenda. It usually is.
: (
I know. Stay away from those I'm sorry under-minded people. They dont care.
Peace and love
From 🦋
Just take it on face value. If somebody is nice its because they chose to be. Dont feel awkward or obligated in any way. Knowbody owes anybody anything.
I think that is me too. When people r nice I’m very suspicious
“You only have one mother” thank you GOD
@Angie J on a series note I literally thought this as a kid. Subconsciously I see why now..smh
@@kelcibee1648 Me too. Since I have red hair I actually thought I was one the Irish kids who had been adopted.
No you have no idea about an abusive mother! I wish I could pick another. Get off this channel.
OH BOY WHEN I READ THAT "YOU ONLY HAVE ONE MOTHER"😐😐 MEMORIES!!!
eg yeah if you had her
@@latashasinclair9970 THIS lady is so spot on that I can bet I'm NOT the only person watching that has a heavy flow of 😭
My single mother once told my sister and me (I was 17 at the time), "that she could have put us in an orphanage". I still think about that years later. Most mothers would never say that to their kids.
I am holding space for you and witnessing you.
Mine told me this many times or that she could have aborted me
My mother told me to never have kids because they trap you, so I hear you.
My mother said she "should have given us up." Sounds as if we were in the same boat.
Mine told me as an adult that she never wanted to get married and have kids. She kept repeating it when I was 40, alone and broke. Sometimes I talk back and tell her that I never wanted to have you as a mother either with all the hell you're putting me through. She never saw it coming but she never stopped either. The bad thing is that I've been unemployed most of my lufe so I can't be financially independent. I really want to leave the country I live in and be saved, amen!
All True-- I am still blamed and bullied for having a mean mother. I was her slave for 25 years. I am still bullied by my mean sister AND brothers also. People pleasing, I quit.
The relationship I had with my mother made me a very protective mother to my son. I protected his self esteem from being destroyed like mine was as a child.
me too but that can also cause damage. Its a vicious cycle!
You can't protect him, you can only make him strong.
I did this, i was a single mom and I tried to shield my son from her but it distorted my son's and my relationship. I did do damage. He's 17 and I can see how my efforts to protect and my mother's attempt to triangulate us caused so much damage to him.
If I knew then what I now, I would have moved him and I away from her when he was little.
Good news! I protected my son and daughter from that horrific person by moving 3,300 miles away. My son is now a terrific father, married to a wonderful woman. My granddaughter will be two in February. The cycle has been broken. Wishing all of you well.
Thanks Teri. The mean ungiving Mother often gets off the hook scott free! Rejecting the Mother who rejected us is the 'great' social taboo!
That might be true in the outside world but in here- it's Real Talk to find Real Solutions! Thanks for sharing ;)
Preach
Yayyyy I don't know why she pretends when she's all like telling people like oh I worry about her and I care about her and I'm just like what
I don't want to be in a relationship with someone, my mother's abusive behavior has caused me to distrust tons of people even when they do good things for me.
My mother was a hardworking, talented, spontaneous, creative, and dynamic force, who was also an envious, deceitful, oppositional, suicidal, mentally and physically abusive gaslighter. If we were to make a movie of her life, it would be an amalgamation of "Mommy Dearest" and "The Great Santini". We children were compelled to be on our toes at all times.
From childhood I started praying that, if I ever got married, my wife would be Mom's antithesis, a warm, loving, nurturing mother to my children. As I matured, I moved from one relationship to another, molded and shaped to unlearn the abuse and neglect, in the prospect that I might learn to love. It was during college that I met some wonderful young women, some who were very honest with me, and helped me face the reality of who I was, who my parents were, and how poorly my mother and father behaved as parents.
It was and still is a very long road to recovery, but I was gifted with a wonderful wife, the woman for whom I prayed. It warms my heart to hear my kids talk about how blessed they are by their parents, that they're so grateful for the warmth and love that's in our home.
My mother never told me I was pretty. Her focus was always on getting me to tell her that she was pretty. She was a taker. She never gave. I was a giver who never got anything back in return. When I look at my female friends, I can clearly see that I'm repeating the familiar dynamic. My friends always dump their trash on me and expect me to 'solve' things for them and counsel them out of their miseries, but when I try to share anything with them, I barely get any reaction. When I try to share details of something nice that happened to me with these 'friends' of mine, they suddenly get very insecure(just like my mother). I'm seething with rage on the inside. I attracted these friends unconsciously(at a time when I was unaware of these psychological concepts) and now I want to dump them all, cuz I don't feel like I'm a friend to my friends. I feel like I'm a counselor. Makes me really really angry.
Nitya It’s ok to move on and find new friends. I did the same a few years ago once I realized that I was repeating the pattern. It’s so hard to do, but feels much better to start fresh. For me I just started slowly drawing away by not attending all events and then after awhile just stopped seeing them altogether. I never had a tough conversation with a clean break but instead just slowly faded away.
You can also make a clean break without tough conversations ☺ you don't owe any explanations to toxic people
@@narcbegone1507Yes, TRUE. The problem is, a "conversation" could end with the Escapee being entangled further. Some people love your attentions and will definitely be AWARE you dropped THEM. Just dropping out suddenly has more risk, due to networks people operate in. I think. JMHO.
Lisa Smith true they quietly stalk u as u slip away and notice when you are done or gone. Their mouths get a little slicker when u speak with them they try to be you and it comes off rude...they try to give u what they think u have been giving them. So they one line you and add lol b.s. in that short convo that isnt of love. And yeah it dont work you can still tel they are wearing a mask per say.
@@twelv Wow, i can relate. Could not put it into words, " The one liners, the lol, and your actually needing or reaching for help, from your bestfriend. But what do i do or say, Im feeling and thinking she keeps me around for what, to tell me her stresses when im in worst situation. Im sorry i just don't know, we used to hang out like sleepovers. To really now its just to show she cares once in awhile? She has it all and good health. Tells me; there is people in third world countries that dont have running water. No joke, but huh? She knows where i come from, Im struggling, Sorry. Gtg Data, trying to get off RUclips then to find this. Thank you, im not alone.
😔💛✌🦋
I'm afraid to even be in relationships let alone become a mother because of what my mom has said and done to me. I'm 28yrs old next month and have never been in love or have had a bf. Any thing to avoid reliving the same rejection my mom gave me. And how could anyone love me when my own mother doesn't.
I hope to overcome this. I WANT to overcome this. Otherwise she wins yet again. She takes my joy yet again.
It's so hard. Especially having men approach me or friends ask me "why don't you date?! You're so beautiful with a wonderful personality!" I just dismiss them with "I'm focused on work" or "im enjoying the single life" or whatever. I have excuses for days. They have no idea and wouldn't understand.
I hope I can heal from this. Just seems impossible at times. I loved my mom. I was a great daughter. I just don't understand why she's like this towards me. None of my other siblings. It hurts so bad. I was able to finally cut all connection with her a couple years ago. But I'm still left with these....emotional and mental scars, I guess.
I wish other daughters good luck with overcoming this unbearable and seemingly everlasting pain.
I hear you and I see you. I'm sending you strength for your journey. Please find support of a therapist or counselor to help you process and heal. You deserve a happy healthy life.
The Whoever I wouldn’t assume it wasn’t toward your other siblings. My sister thought I was the golden child and hated me because she thought my mom only treated her badly, but after years we talked and she finally understood the pain I went through and now we can support each other. Wishing you support on your journey. I feel your pain in realizing the mother you loved is basically an awful person, it’s taken me serveral years of grief and now I am a mom and I can say that being a mom and having a relationship can heal some of that but you have to be aware to not repeat ... it takes a lot of awareness and being single is great too - self mothering is the answer. Love yourself like your own best friend. It’s hard because it’s a type of abuse most people don’t understand but you have a community here!
I believe that you need to learn to love yourself until you realise that you deserve to be loved, respected and appreciated just as you are NOW. You are much better and beautiful in your heart than many people that just bring hate and uglyness in this world. You have to do so many wonderful things in your life and make everything better around you, be a light on Earth. You are a light full of divine energy, JUST BE YOURSELF and LOVE THE GOD FROM YOU.
What an insightful comment. Love from others does help. I also experienced this and found that examining my childhood and remembering wonderful women who did pour love and kindness into me helped me open to new experiences. I have found one thing to be true: Remembering all the love i have been given in life is a great way, in general, to start opening to receive love from others. It didn't make the pain of what my mother did go away but it did help me see that it wasn't me, it truly was her and her repeating the cycle she experienced in her childhood. She was a lesser loved daughter, which feels like NO love when you are comparing it to how they obviously loved your siblings. Your sensitivity and awareness would probably make you a great mom. Don't let anyone stop you from experiencing the life you want to have!!!
I have the same problem and I am about to be 30 next year.
my mom is very good at manipulating people, they think she's worried about me since I cut off contact with her. She's just trying to get information about me from them, and hoping to turn them against me. My true friends are the ones who know the truth about me and they know what she's really up to. They understand that I can't have her in my life and be sane at the same time. I am healing, it's taken about 7 years of no contact plus one small slip of going back to see if she had changed as she claimed. Nope, she just gets worse with time. I struggle with sadness and anger at her for teaching me to hate and disrespect myself. I also struggle with anger during odd moments, I'm learning how to deal with my anger by becoming present and letting it go after I really let myself feel it. I don't talk about her, it only fuels her fire towards me. I feel very sad most of the time regardless because it was never supposed to be this way
Karinaholt77 i am in this same boat with you! and throughout my entire life it has been nearly impossible to show others who she really is because she is so highly manipulative. my husband is being so wonderful in protecting me from contacting her and to help me process and let go of all of the trauma that she caused me, and to also let go of poisonous thought patterns and behaviors that i learned from her. stay strong, girlie. you know what happened. if you need to let your mother go in order to heal then do it and do not let anyone guilt you back into her selfish claws. You at least have me who believes you, relates, and is cheering for you. 💗
Alexandria Gaylor I appreciate your support and your encouragement. It is very comforting to know that you understand:)
Ocean@light
Gosh I don't really know what or where to start but this Lady I think is going to be the catalist that changes my Life for the better also. When I read your comment I could really really relate. Would you believe that my own sister in law turned around and said to me that after spending some time with my mother she no longer believe s what I had previously confided to her !!? Wtf 😒 They now hang out even though I cut contact 7 years ago
My mum is so good at manipulation that my sister in law said your mom is a lovely woman and I'm really sorry but you were telling me lies
Huh 😣😣😣😣
I get 😡 ANGRY when other people are loved by their mothers and they can do so much wrong and not try
I guess that's the point...
A mother's love should KNOW NO BONDS
Just watched this for the second time. Athough I have been in recovery for a decade now I am still working through so much. What makes Mean Moms even more insideous is when they gaslight you. I rarely felt cared about or accepted by mine, but she was an expert Martyr who made herseld out to be some saint with an ungrateful disturbed daughter (moi) who she "was SO WORRIED ABOUT!" (sniff sniff). I still have so much anger towards her, but I have made a lot of progress as well. I am glad I got away from her.
You just described my mother!
"disdain for"...exactly. To be told at 5, 6, 7 years old "You make life MISERABLE for everybody", and not knowing what that word means until learning it in second grade. Ouch! A lifetime of self worth issues. Who says that to a child? This criticism has affected me negatively for a lifetime, worse even than the memories of that leather belt and it's brass buckle at 3, 4, and almost at 12, but I could run from it then... Words can hurt as much (or more) as the welt on the psyche from the belt.
I am so sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered. You did not deserve that shit. I hope you are on your healing path to creating a life you love (because you deserve it!)
I was so glad to finally have a name for how my mother is, when I read an article on Facebook almost a yr ago. I have been through that and it's Hell. I worried about other people finding out that I ruined my mom's life, and just tried hard to get any bit of positive affirmations and display of affection.....
Now I’m 36 years old my mom still give her toxic vibe and she is the reason why I never feel worthy of anything and even I used to have a bf even he was so good to me I still feel I dint deserve him now I knew the problem isn’t me but it’s her and the way she raised me and how judge mental she did to me she treated me so bad.
Thank you so much for this video it explained everything that l have been going through all my life with my mother l am so grateful that l have some closure now knowing that it's not me all the time but her toxic destructive behaviour she is dead now from illness and old age and strangely l miss her sometimes and feel sorry for myself for the mother that l did not have .
One doesn't have to be stuck with only one mother. After i'd cut off my viciously destructive biological incubator, I adopted my former dance teacher as my surrogate mother. She has been far kinder, more loving, more supportive and more healing than the monster who refused to allow me to be adopted (as an infant) by a loving aunt and uncle, because the monster wanted to use me to force my father back into the marriage. I bestow the love, the gifts, the cards and more that would normally go to a good mother upon my very good surrogate mother, while the horrific biological incubator squats like a toad in her den, bereft of any attention from her own daughter. As she has sown, so let her reap a thousandfold.
Thanks for sharing here with us. "Chosen" family and mentors can truly help us heal as you have shared.
Thank you for putting so much time and effort into your wonderful videos!
👏 Good job ... happy for you
I felt very damaged for many years and found it very difficult to let anybody close to me, romantic or friendships.
Same I feel like even when I do find some friends I have no stability n therefore I end up pushing them away too.
💕
Thanks for this I feel there’s a lot of talk about absent / Unavailable fathers and it seems most people can relate , but when you have an emotionally unavailable mum people find it very difficult to comprehend or understand it .
So true, Summayah! And the truth is LOTS of people have emotionally unhealthy moms...which is why we are talking about it right here to shed some light so people know they are not alone. Thanks for being here with us!
summayah100 I understand what you're saying. I had a father who was kind and good but he was afraid of my mother. She thought of me as an enemy constantly looking at what I did. Whether I cook or clean the house. When I was pregnant she didn't want me to stay with her after I lost my job. My dad complied and rented me an apartment.
Thank you, I’m finally beginning to take care of me, it’s never too late and awareness is key.
Yes yes yes, Palma!!
Thank you, Teri. This is the most helpful video I have ever seen regarding mean, unloving mothers. I am now 63 years old and still carry the pain caused by my now deceased mother. I was in therapy during my thirties and forties but no therapist ever came close to helping me the way your words today would have helped me. I recognize I have repeating patterns with “friends” and recently blocked them and removed their contact info. I really hope your younger clients will listen carefully to you and implement your suggestions. It’s sad to say, but my life is much more peaceful without her. And at least I recognize what I am doing when I start to repeat the pattern. Thank you so much.
You are so welcome. It is ok to do whatever you need to do to create peace in your life and take care of yourself.
Thanks for this video. I had a terribly broken 'relationship ' with my mother. I understand in retrospect that she was suffering in many ways and therefore could not show up as a loving parental figure. I am grateful for videos like these that help me to understand my experience and patterns. Been working on healing with a professional and a few trusted friends who are able to relate and be supportive. We need to work together to move on!
You have a naturally nurturing soul.....I really enjoy your videos. ..thanks for sharing.
The symptoms... the isolation, the not saying no, lack of boundaries, people pleasing... thanks God for awareness. Each day I discover more. And things make more sense. I have a choice now. I can exercise saying “no”. I can choose. Thanks Terri.
A point id also like to add that makes it more challenging is looking almost exactly like your mother, having her tone of voice and hearing all the unconscious material that was recorded along the way and striving to c atch myself in the moment and change the script. Trying to stay present and mindful terri.
You can do it, Amanda! Please consider meditating with some of my guided meditations every morning (you just google my name and meditation and there are a bunch of free ones out there) I believe this will help you be more mindful so you can crush that negative, internalized voice, sooner than later. You deserve to live a beautiful, happy life, mama. I am cheering you on like a wild maniac!!
Thank so much Terri I appreciate your advice and feedback. Love your work!
Thanks, honey
Terri Cole Real Love Revolution Thank you
Terri Cole Real Love Revolution dear Terri, would it be possible to make a video on how to find a good therapist? I am not in therapy but I would like to start however there are so many different approaches and modalities. I am not sure who to choose and whether a license marriage counselor or PhD makes a difference. . I definitely know the issues I need to work on/am working on but I feel that I cannot heal them without outside help.
Thank you for your work. After realizing what my mother is (48 yrs old at the time) i was devastated to know she never loved me. Knowing i would never be validated by her..i wrote myself letter FROM my mom to me. I apologized for everything she did to me..guilting, manipulation, rage and shame. After i finished, i read it out loud and burned it. The healing began, along with binaural beats and reading "will i ever be good enough?" There are good days and bad. Im no contact for 6 years and its been the best 6 of ny life. Thank you God for the painful lessons, it was the only way to increase my strength and appreciation
That is a beautiful practice and I'm glad to hear you are healing and staying strong. Thank you for sharing.
Amazing info. I'm now 61 and realize now, 20 years after my mother died, my 66-year-old sister took her place; making snide remarks about me, my life choices and anything she deems fair game. Three weeks ago, was the last straw. I was telling my sister how, so many years later, my mom's hurtful comments and behavior towards me during childhood were still causing me pain. Then my sister, describing what my mother was probably thinking about me during my high school graduation, said, "There goes my floozy daughter." It was as if she stuck a knife into my chest - I actually had a hard time breathing. (My mom called me a slut at age 12. No, I wasn't, nor did I know what the word meant). I said I couldn't believe she could say such a hurtful thing, especially after I had just opened my heart to her about mom's behavior. Immediately something died in me. I know to stay safe I have to cut contact with my sister.
Very common unfortunately about the sister. Look at Family Scapegoating Abuse, Rebecca Mandeville. There’s lots of us in the same boat. Validation is freedom
You actually help me a lot. I searched for years why i attracted difficult relationship. Thank you so much i cried yesterday when I saw your videos.
For a long time I didn't understand why I was the way I was. Extremely low self esteem, scared of rejection, desparate for someone to love me. My mother never said I love you or told me that I was beautiful. Instead I got told how big my nose was when I cried and how big my back looked and how disgusting I was and how no one wanted to be around me if I acted a certain way. I remember when I would be upset or cry she would tell me to stop acting like a baby, she was never nurturing. I am a seriously messed up individual with very bad codependency with unstable relationships. I find that I just can't be happy no matter how hard I try. I am still in contact with my mom but I really wish I wasn't. I've noticed now that she tries to control my adult life by putting doubts in my mind that whatever it is that I want for my life, will not work out in the end. Perhaps I do need to cut her out of my life for good...
Danielle, I see you. You do not deserve this. You are worthy of love. You do not need to doubt that. Sending you strength.
Stop sharing your dreams and desires, aspirations and plans. If you give her no information, she won't know what to poop on during your next interaction. Starve her of any meaningful information about your life
My mother does the same with me at the age of 46. No matter what I say to her or what I share with her, she's always bad news and tells me that nothing will work out, reminding me every single time I say something how my last attempt failed! i thought she was the only person on earth doing it. Right now I've been trying to book a ticket for a solo trip abroad by plane and I'm shaking thinking everything will fail, I can't do it, it will be a disaster although I've lived abroad. She's made me terrified of airplane trips, convincing me that I'm sick and I can't fly. It's been happening for 23 years so everytime I try to fly, I'm shaking to the core and most of the time I cancel the flight and stay at home with her. She's so nasty to me. I can't stand her. The problem with me is that I have no job, friends or boyfriend to support me so I only rely on her sick advice which is full of fear and hatred for everyone! She's so disgusting!
I guess the toughest thing for me was dealing with the "you were a mistake" comments. In front of other people or show people the bruises she would leave me to show them how "out of control" I was. People never intervened to tell her to control her rage or bad tamper. Self love has been a huge challenge for me but this video helps. Thank you for sharing....
That breaks my heart and pisses me off to hear because it is so very wrong. I hope you are on your path away from those people to create a happy life. You can do it- please don't give up!
I heard the..you're a mistake...pretty often too. When I would look at people's confused reaction when she would say that, but then would remain silent about it, and not call her out on it, it was even more devastating for me. I just couldn't believe how many gutless, spineless people there were in my life growing up. Yet when I stood up for myself, I was abused for it, shunned by my family and eventually disowned for being a "problem". But now, I've had the best "revenge" by living my life to the fullest, creating my own space in life for my goals and accomplishing them with class, grace, dignity and passion. Things which don't happen for them. I hope you can do the same.💗
I once told “ you've done terribly wrong to your kid, it's not your kids' fault, it's your fault" in public to a monster narc mother who abuse her daughter both mentally and physically for long time. I still remember that moment she became weak and frightened and tried to explain in a very ugly expression. I'll never regret it. So you see there are definitely people out there know the truth, they know what you suffer, you just need to grow stronger and leave faster, because only you can save yourself, and the world know you are right.
I tend to avoid women in my life all together. The mentor is a great idea.
So sad! I am the same, I can not trust other people.
Me too! To me, women don’t seem trustworthy. 😩
@@Vidalady yes to me too unfortunately!
@@itsmeaimster6698 yes ,i have a hard time having best girl-friends! or even boyfriends!
I feel inferior when around friend.s moms. I would avoid meeting them
The other day, I was arguing with my friends about how I see no point in investing time in a relationship. Why? I have no chance with guys. If one does love me, there has to be something wrong with him. He's faking, or maybe he'll like me temporarily then get sick of me and ditch, I said.
My friend asked me why I don't believe I'm worth it.
To be honest, I don't quite know the answer. It's just "common knowledge" to me. 😐
Same
💯💯
My breakthrough in relationships came when I understood that fireworks and extreme emotions were something I should stay away from in relationships and that calm, secure men who I felt less passion for were the right type to go after. I'm in a loving relationship now and I encourage everyone to google information about partners with secure attachment.
I agree. The fireworks are often just an initiation into a re-traumatising relationship. Without the fireworks we would have probably never chosen the said person. 😅
Wow. I'm a man, but five minutes in, I'm crying like a baby because for the first time in my life, I have someone telling me what my experience was and she understands!
You matter and your experiences matter. You can learn and grow. I'm witnessing you with compassion.
Oh God, so much is wrong with me. I just don't have relationships with people. There's no way to come out of this without getting harmed and having deep rooted damage. The thing is I am strong willed and stubborn so I didn't apologize if I didn't mean it. I just took her on and called her out every time no matter how much it hurt. I'm always drawn to rejecting people and rejecting people who are less fleeting options.
I was the only child with 2 narcissists as parents. Growing up I constantly heard how "spoiled" I must be being the only child but in fact was the complete opposite. It was like a double whammy because they were upper middle class and every thing looked "fine" on the outside; no one wanted to believe that my parents were abusive even when it was obvious. While it would be nice to have real, supportive friends, and a chosen family, I've accepted the fact it's just not a reality for me anymore. People who I thought were my friends and family ended up discarding me altogether and never initiated any type of interaction; it was me who did the initiating about 98% of the time, so I just figured I would let them be to see what happened. Nothing is what happened. I guess it's called ghosting these days. Which was upsetting. But I figured that they were showing me how they really felt about our relationship and I needed to cut the loss and move on. Now it's just me and my cats which I've had the pleasure of raising since birth. Seeing their sweet little kitten faces just melted my heart and they will always be my little ones.😻 As of today, I have no friends or family and live alone with my pets. Granted there's a certain freedom that comes with that but also a deep pain from not being able to experience closeness with someone who cares. It's like I'm in the last stage of grief after someone dies which is acceptance. But at least I finally have peace and no obligation to people who aren't good to me. I live my life as fully as possible with grace, class, dignity and passion. Things that my mother, or my biological family, don't have. And now I know I've truly won. 😉🎉😊
Thank you so much for sharing your story and your growth. I am witnessing you with compassion.
Your story sound so much like mine. I also had Narc parents and had no idea what the hell happened until I was 49 and it hit me in the face one day reading something on Pinterest . Not knowing better I said listen to this to my live in lover I guess. I read it and asked him are you a Narc ? I will never forget that smirk and him saying well yes I think I might be. I felt the evil and knew I had found what the problem was. He was leaving to his parents for Christmas in a couple hours for a week thank God. That day after watching video after video ,I learned my whole life was a lie. All I knew was my father died when I was 7 and my sister and brother committed suicide a little later. My mom was a mean Alcoholic but I forgave her her husband and kids were dying. I don't know if that night I went into Spiritual Awakening or not but I'm thinking it was ,I have been through it 2 more times since then. I don't remember anything just tiny bits and pieces till I was about 13 or 14 it's crazy. We were a wealthy family and like your parents we looked good from the outside. There were 3 boys and 3 girls and I'm the only survivor of this nightmare. My mother was the mother from Mommy Dearest in every way. Vain ,well known , alcoholic we were to be seen and not herd. I was the baby and my mother was much to old to have had me at 46 . All my siblings were out of the house by then. and like you the other side of my family won't talk to me at all. My coldest brother did his own evil to his family and they won't acknowledge it at all they are wealthy and that wouldn't jive with there snobby friends. I live alone with my dog. It was one hell of a life ,I don't need to tell you that I'm sure. I'm a Cancer and Empath and a H.S.P. and now I know why I felt so akward and alone with my friends. I have no real friends or family and I wish sometimes I'd never been born. The pain comes and goes and I wonder what this life is all for. I just turned 55 and I will never trust anyone to ever have a meaningful relationship or be in love and iv accepted that. I did learn from a cousin of mine I haven't talked to in years ,my mother and her sister were both being raped by there St. Father at a very young age for years. I don't hate her I can't God knows what that does to your head. I hope you have found some comfort in your own life. Your not alone trust me . Love those kitty's ,I think animals are better then people. Take Care
I’m an only child who can relate.
I knew my family was full of narcs., but I realized my friends were also. Almost wish I didn’t know.
After I told my abusive mother "no" she decided to write a letter slandering me to my church I go to. She has BPD. I'm trying to just come to terms with the evil hatred and abuse and how she tries to punish me.
I see you. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Well I intercepted the letter from the one member that was going to be delivered to a teacher from my mom. I was able to read the letter myself and see the slander. The impact is I See and Finally Believe that she was certainly out to distroy me,I obviously was in denial before w years of abuse.I was always being distroyed and I just kept taking it. Having an unloving mother? I realize I look for one.. I care for others & serve and try to protect them, even when no one else will!..bc that's what I want! .. this is in care giving. I'm doing that for my 94 yr old Grandma' she has a mental disorder as well. I have her in a facility where I'm her full and only advocate infact there is a care meeting about her care I'm attending today. I fight for others and including my mother inlaw nursing her health once ( she's very old like a grandma) and In my mind I thought she would be a mom to me ...I even only address her as "Mom"...no,she didn't fulfill my need. I end up trying to mother them and then yet im dying inside. What moved me and helped me recently was getting to know another women who's my age. She is so mentally strong! I was moved to tears thinking of her story of sacrifice.. women whom I'm getting to know more recently seem so strong and sacrifice and are powerful mentally on their willing sacrifices. I'm so impressed by women whom I recently got to know more! A women who is near 80 I have went to dinner ..and another women who wants to go for walks together on Tuesdays with me ,As well as one who is a caregiver and we can visit her for coffee.They speak to me and show care for me and my overall well being. Thanks for your advice. It will take me years but I'm not giving up.
I had a mean husband and my mother told him if he didn’t take me she was steering me out on the street, but denies it. I have huge blanks in my childhood. When I was in the 6th grade I had a major surgery and she told me “ your not gonna act like a baby, you’re gonna get up and move”. And she’s also damaged me and my son. I’m so lost, who am I. I have OCD, severe anxiety and depression, I’m so lost and broken.
I find it really hard to love or like myself. I’ve been working on overcoming the rejection I experienced. I appreciate your advice and it really helps. Thank you.
You are so welcome ❤️❤️
My mother talks to me like I am the worst person in the world, I should always be ashamed of myself, my bf is never respects me only critisizes me.
I love and adorn you Mrs. Cole, you are my new found mama mentor :) SO thankful to have been blessed to find your channel and finally become aware of this thing that I have recognized since a 5 year old but believing this is how it goes.. Finally at 27 and at my breaking point (yoyoing back and forth trying to break contact and feeling the extreme guilt society holds us accountable for ) I have finally done enough digging and been blessed to find a name for this and know for sure fthat I was right all along, that she is the crazy one, my feelings/emotions/sensitivity is deserving of validation, and know the root source of why and how I am so screwed up! because of her I have developed serious self destructive behaviors and am in desperate need of healing and love!! Wow Finally some validation, confirmation and empathy.. The truth is here to set me free and give me the peace I have been longing for!!
Is there a concept of "detachment"? Meaning say you formed an attachment when young, but because of the toxic and negative, you just became distant.
Nobody wants to talk about it. Exactly!
Her voice is so soft and soothing!
This is a tough one for me because I never knew my mom was effecting me negatively until a few years ago. Unfortunately the incident that happened caused me to see my whole family in a different light. I have slowly been tryin to rebuild myself from scratch while learning to forgive and heal the pain of everything I’ve been through. I wish my mom was able to open up and meet me on my level but at this point I don’t see that ever happening. It’s easier for them to sweep everything under the rug and blame it all on me like they always have. It doesn’t matter that it hurts me. I’ve truly learned you can not expect anything from anyone. 😢
Thank you for making this video. Knowing that other have mothers who don’t truly care about them makes me feel a little less alone. Thank you.
Others*
You're not alone. You matter and your experience matters. I'm holding space for your healing.
I'm 18 & my mother kicked me out of the house when I was 13, luckily my father was able to take care of me. I only see my mother to see my siblings and nephew, this video has really impacted me & also helped. Thank you.
I am sorry to hear about your painful situation, Courtney and happy to think the video helped in some way. I am sending you protection and strength on your healing journey.
You are so lucky I wish my father was alive
I ended relationships very early because I was so afraid of rejection.
Oh, how true this is. I’m so glad I found your videos and thank you for all your superb knowledge!!! Just hope I’m self aware enough and in therapy long enough to not repeat the pattern to my beautiful daughter ... I’m so afraid that by default I’m critical and judgmental but I try not to be so hard on her or myself with self awareness and love for myself after all the neglect I received. I try to not be like my mom!! I’m so committed to changing my tapes and loving myself and my daughter is my biggest joy!!! However, won’t lie, it’s challenging to be able to do it right bc we were so wounded and with the isolation no one understands how difficult it is to not have a mom who was indifferent to me.
I really feel you, Maria. Sounds like YOU are crushing it with your girl. Brave beautiful mama warrior of love
This video made me cry and realize soo many things❤️
"I love you (tragic sigh), but I don't like you." In this way the narcissistic mother frames the child as a manipulative abuser - forcing her to feel a love she doesn't want to feel - and punishes the child to the core. All in one sentence. If only these narc mothers could find a better use for their creativity!
yes THE DISEASE TO PLEASE also brings this problem to other avenues of my life!
I have always had older women friends but it wasn’t until now that I have a healthy ’mom’ in my life and she is truly helping me heal. I have been repeatedly doing this to myself for years and I knew it but I just couldn’t/wouldn’t change my environment enough to get away from those types of women that would end up being like my mother. Still working on it!
I wish more people would make more of attachment theory which is what you've talked about. lack of self awareness and replicative scripts (repeated reality) can destroy relationships for both men and women! thank you
Wow!! I apologize when I'm angry too I've done this since I was a child and didn't know it was connected to this!
I went from mean rejecting unloving Mom to a husband just like her. Now I have 2 adult kids that are the same being narcisstic . It has been very painful. The good news I have a good husband now of 27 years and good friends. Yes I have had older women to nurture me, such good advice. Love your videos.
I’m in tears. I have been addicted to the narcissist. 4 long term relationships with narcs and addicted to the abuse. I had to escape all of them. Escape!!! I have been oblivious to personality disorders and narcissism and Im 38. My life has been full of chaos and addiction, recovering but never healing. I am so exhausted and now I have 2 small autistic boys. I must learn everything and never inflict these horrible behaviors on my babies. Everything is good and bad , black and white with my mother and it’s so confusing. Im now painted black with her most recent man. It’s a blessing. Thank you so so so much!!
I am witnessing you with so much compassion, sending strength your way and holding space for you as you heal ❤️
This was great - a confirmation for me of the friendships I have attracted that are basically the same vibe as my mom and that have been keeping me down. Learning to truly love myself, speak up, say what I think and feel but more importantly be present with myself so that I actually know who I am and what it is that I think and feel 🙌🏼✨💕
Yesssssss mama!! Cheering you on!
Society is too busy. I’m finding adults (I’m 40) have no interest in finding new friends. Everyone has their groups and cliques, even at church...it’s a lonely world and = more rejection.
I'm holding space for you. There are many adults that are looking for friendships if you're open to it. If you are seeing the world as a lonely place, then that is what you will continue to see. I'm holding space for you.
I was always gravitating towards women who were distant and unemotional towards me. These women are cold, shrewd, and curt when dealing with me. I just wanted them to treat me the way I’ve seen them treat my peers. I never knew it was a mirror of how my mother behaved. Furthermore, I cope by keeping my heart hidden from others to avoid pain. This video has taught me the difference between those that sincerely love me and people who are not significant in my life.
Damaged mothers do thier best. to damage you,,When you actually realize how evil hurt and mentally ill the mother is that is your power to help yourself get therapy and help.yourself knowledge is power ..
Thank you for sharing this and for helping others
I suffered from severe esophageal ulcers in my forties hence I had to sleep in a recliner since I couldn't lay flat after my surgery for 4 to 6 weeks. My narc mother in her 70's came over to be of "help" Her first words to me were "If don't get back in bed with your husband you are going to lose him"! Great caring words.😢
I am so sorry your mother said that to you- that is awful. Sending love to you ❤️
Thank you so, so, so much Terri! It's so true, my goodness. My life was exactly like you describe. And I'm learning and growing and finding myself with your help. I wish I could meet you one day 😊💮🐝
Hello Terri and all followers out there . I completely agree other comments that your videos are such an eye opener for me, i think for all daughters of narcisistic mothers, mean or simply crazy mums like consider mine. I am a 46 year old woman from Holland. Although i did some progres the last 3 years with a good therapist, The road to recovery is very long and lonely. You touched me right in the heart, i will keep following your videos, and certainly join comments later on. To read and To feel stories of woman who Aldo suffered from their manipulative mothers is so touching . IT S the first time i felt less lonely and crazy.... thanks everybody
B
I am so happy to hear this. I am glad you are seeking support and finding others like you here. You are also welcome in my free Facebook group if you'd like more community.
The impact is you live so shattered within that you end up attracting monsters that will wreck every bit of your soul, until you finally acknowledge & accept this core wound that is so painful to look at, much less deal with. It is something buried so deep within that only a great amount of understanding and true love can heal
Witnessing you with deep compassion.
I have grown so much and healed from Terri's Videos. I have helped so many other people because of this-- Thank YOU!
Thank you for the help and encouragement to heal after so many years. It is so difficult to go through this especially if you were raised only by your mother alone. That is the only role model I had.
I feel you, Judi and am sorry to hear about your painful situation. Your job now is to find NEW role models of women who are kind and decent and mentally healthy. You can do it. Awareness is the first step to transformation xo
I was soo insecure when I became a mom partly because of my mean mom. And her horrible schooling.🤦🏻♀️💔😢🕊💝
Subscribed so fast after watching two videos. Thank you so much. The hijacking of the mind, the taking up of emotional and mental real estate is so real when one experiences a mother like this is so real. I'm most certainly healing with therapy, knowledge, boundaries, and much more. Thank you so much for your videos, they are like a loving mind landlord that is telling the tenant that their time is up.
I am so happy to hear the work is helping you, Nirali! I am so glad you are here with us ;)
Hi Nirali, just out of curiosity, as a Gujarati girl I have never seen another Gujarati seemingly disturbed by this void. Coming From the same background ( cultural as well as situational) I would love to talk to you regarding this.
Excellent information
Isolation disease to please , constantly looking for approval hard to draw boundaries , u say yes when u want to say no , u avoid confrontations at all cost u say sorry when u r not , put everyone’s priorities before yours . That describes me. Lack of confidence, . Low self esteem. Rejection. 😥 u create a repeating reality . Friendships that u r seeking their approval or advice . U want them to think highly of u. Child hood injuries . Unconsciously wanting that affection without realizing that concept . U end up repeating same cycle
I"m witnessing you with compassion and holding space for you.
I'm so happy I found this channel! I've been watching the videos over and over the last 2 days. It's helping me focus on my healing and fully understand what my anger and low self teem really come from. Thank you so much!
You're so welcome, Zaida! Welcome to your tribe ;)
Not all of us are the same.. I feel nausea being close to my mother... So i moved back to.living with her at the age of 36... Ive realised she's just this unevolved being.. People who have no feelings are basicly nothings... Cause feelings makes us beings (human or otherwise)
I'm witnessing you with compassion. You matter. I'm sending you strength and protection for this time living with your mother.
I really loved this video. I cried when you said to get a photo of yourself as a child and look her in the eyes and know who you really are. I did this half a year ago. Just on my own. I found a photo of myself and looked at my child self in the eyes and i cried. I had a child photo of myself in my room. And in the lounge room. Even on my social media profile picture. It made me remember who I really am, an innocent, pure hearted beautiful little girl who witnessed a lot of dark times, my father hitting my mother and his angry face and my mother crying so much. It wasn't just one time. It happened regularly. And as I grew up, i felt like I was always a bad child. My sister was treating me like I'm a naughty kid who deserved to be treated with silence. I've become the scapegoat now I'm my 30s. My mother also went over seas for 3 months when I was a small child. So I became very attached to her. And I defended her a lot growing up from my father. I live with my parents and brother still. I'm 34. I noticed I looked for my mother in relationships. Most being long distance ones to. My mother treats me really bad now that I'm in my 30s. We live together and yet she goes over half a year without talking to me. Can you imagine that???? Living together with people who do not talk to you. My brother also is like my mother and gives silent treatment. So I feel incredibly isolated. And my sister "the nurse" tells my family that I isolate myself. She and my mother are very close. I'd say my mother's #1 favourite. Me being the least. When I opened up to my brother once about my child photo and how I feel gaslit and cried to him and showed him the photo, he literally showed no empathy at all and said "yeh but what about the time you kicked dad's windscreen) I was 14 then. The photo I showed him I was 8. And I just couldn't believe that he could look at my child self and tell it that it was bad. Knowing I'm crying and vulnerable. So then I cried over that and got annoyed that he reacted that way, and yet it always turns on me. I'm srill treated like the one who has something wrong, needs help, is bad, punished and not deserving of any love. And it crushes my soul to be honest. And I don't know what to do.
I'm witnessing you with compassion and I'm sorry that was your experience. I hear you and I appreciate you sharing your story.
Wowsers! I just realized the second I meet a hard/tough/closed woman, I automatically go into "I got this one" & THAT is the point that I should WALK AWAY! I'm trying to prove myself instead of find healthy women! 🤯🤯
Thankyou for this vid! Xx 🌻🌻💜💜💃💃💃💃💃
❤️❤️
I remembre one time i was a kid maybe 7 i wanted to stay playing outside for a long time and she refused she told me « if i ever knew you are going to be like that i would rather step on you till you die the minute you was born » and it still gives me shivers
I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️ That is an awful thing to hear your mother say.
Love you so much. Women/girls like us are so grateful for you. I’m cold, distant and tend to be cruel at times but nowhere narcissistic, I made sure to look into that. I want to thaw my heart out and thanks to women like you, I have a chance again. I refuse to be bitter and envious like the demon that “raised” me. Stay beautiful, stay awesome. Daughters we can do this!.
❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. It took me decades of pain and suffering to finally fully love myself and feel nurtued by Divine Mother. I am free of my past and loving my life. Keep loving yourself at every opportunity and life will transform. Aloha to all from Kauai.
That is wonderful to hear, thank you so much for sharing your story!
On the path and been going through isolation and sobriety plus the church. Finally just blocked the whole lot of them and pray they find their own peace of mind.
Terri I didnt even know this could type of situation existed. Moms are supossed to be good to you. I'm 34 years old and now I've just realized all of the abuse Ive been through. Thank you!
I'm witnessing you with compassion. I'm glad you are here and I see you. You're not alone.
My mother is a narcissist, and my husband (who hates my mother, ironically) treats me very similar to how my mother treated me. I’m awesome, yup! 🙄🤦🏻♀️
I love your videos😌❤️ I’m currently in a therapy and working on my mother wound, and your content is really helping. Your videos are really healing.❤️🩹 Thank you so much for your work.🙏🏼💙💛
I am so glad to hear you're getting the help you deserve and that my content is helping you in your journey ❤️
I had great female mentors that helped to heal and guide me. I don't have any now so I feel lost again.
Thank you for being here. Perhaps you can consider me as a mentor through the magic of the internet. Not all mentors have to be in person, you can learn from people without ever meeting them. I will be here cheering you on.
We live in a society that believes just because a woman gives birth, she is a SAINT, that she unconditionally loves her child, and she can do no wrong. I'm SO tired of women who had no right to have children in the first place, are given a get-out-of-jail free card for everything they do. I notice in newspapers they will say MOTHER dies in car accident. This brings immediate sympathy response. They never say WOMAN dies in car accident because no one would give a s***. Narc woman love the immunity of judgement they get once they've given birth.
Thank you very much for your precious pieces of advice, Terri. I love you. You are great!!!
I also have such a negative, mean, cold, rejecting mother. I am trying to heal as well from her wounds. I would be more mindful of finding or re-connecting to all mother figures in my life, let it be college female professors, or career coaches.
I also need to admit that my mother is not gonna change, and I just got to love her the way she is without trying to change her. I need to move on, and I will!!! I am strong. I love myself. All is well. All all all.
I am cheering you on ❤️
I've also got to add, Mother's have a past too, that era didnt have such help, like now a days. So you have to put that into perspective. I know it's hard, my Mom not talking to me, she would rather face things her way. Is it the best, it's the best for her. I just have to except. Its has been a feeling of hopelessness, isolation and effects over all health. Someone in life gave me a call, to tell me to keep me pushing on with all the ailments I have, " Dont forget yourself, she said. It's been feeling like a war, with no family.
Ooh it hard, injured and just to hear her voice or see her. I love her no matter what.
I'm injured and to hug her, you think it would help, since we all came out of a womb. Touch is healing, first thing we had was a touch from our' Mother's and Happy Father's...
Rough times. I hope time does heal.
To all I hope we all get that sacred time with our Mother's.
Life is like a dream, here one minute gone the next...
🤞✌🦋
Yes, we all do the best we can with the resources we have, mothers included. We are in a time with more resources available than ever before to help us heal and make new choices.
Thank you Terri Cole 4 the heart. I just write truth. To bad it does hurt you In some ways, in real life.
Why lie? I dont understand that life.
Say it how it is, that's how people learn. Millennials need some help, the gadgets/ devices; help some way if used properly.
Thank you.
It's been tough years. One day to feel better in all aspects of life.
Thanks again with love
✌🕯💫🦋🤞👌
"We heal the World by healing ourselves" WOW
I went to save the little girl me on my phone screen and wrote positive things about me on it, thank you. I'm ready to heal❤
Right on mama!!!
Here's a 10-year-old blog post that may resonate with some of you: "The Mother I Never Had"
DISTANT RELATIVE
These certain things you soon will hear
I’ve tried to disavow.
I should have spoken but for fear
I put it off ’til now.
I phone ahead to let you know
When I will arrive.
It’s quite a distance I’ve to go.
For hours I will drive.
I’ve mulled it over in my mind
The way things were and why,
And how they might have been designed
To temper and to try.
The sun has set when I arrive.
The household lights all shine.
Your dusty Dodge is in the drive
Beside the mangled pine.
I want to say I have begun
To see what kept you cold
And left you loath to love the one
You had but would not hold.
I trudge up to the door and knock
And clear a throat gone dry.
I wait to hear the latch unlock
Beneath a lightless sky.
I want to tell you that your child
No longer feels the sting
And now at last is reconciled
To be a joyless thing.
A shadow shows behind the blind.
A presence I can hear.
I knock and knock, but leave resigned
As if there’s no one there.
I wrote the poem above for my mother after she died. If she were still alive, she’d be 88 years old today.
Peggy Mengis Duplantier was not the best mother in the world. She was a career woman - one of the first women Marines and one of the first female photojournalists at a major American newspaper - and had no desire to be a housewife or mother. But her parents pestered her to settle down and, at the age of 28, she set her sights on a couple of editors - one at the Opelousas Daily World and one at the New Orleans States. She played them off one against the other and my father was the poor sap who got caught in her trap.
Their marriage was a fiasco from the beginning. I’m not sure my mother was capable of loving anyone, possibly because no one had ever really loved her. She told a story of how an older brother was sick when she was born and her mother was prohibited from tending to him because of the risk to the baby. The brother died, the mother was heartbroken, and the baby blamed for keeping the mother from him grew up unloved.
To this day, because my mother told so many incredible stories, I don’t know whether this one is really true or not - but it would explain things.
Unloved by her mother, she was unable to love her children, or to let them love her. By alienating her husband, she deprived us of a father’s love as well.
It was a sad thing for all of us.
My mother died two years ago. There was an opportunity to offer a remembrance at the end of the funeral, but I was not up to it at the time and have felt bad about it ever since. My siblings and I were only too aware of her shortcomings as a mother, but what seemed to be missing was an acknowledgement of what a remarkable woman she was.
She served as a Marine during World War II. She became a photojournalist after the war - “the lonely little petunia in the onion patch,” as the other, all-male photographers called her. She continued to accept writing and editing projects after her marriage. She was the brains and driving force behind a civic organization that she helped establish to prevent commercial incursions into our residential neighborhood. She went to law school after having seven children. She continued to write and publish well-crafted and insightful feature articles well into her late 70s.
My dad realized early on that she was not content with the housewife’s lot and encouraged her to keep her hand in the journalism game. When I landed my first job as an editor in 1976, I followed his lead, signing her up to write a recipe column for this small Cajun newspaper. Her column was the best thing in the paper - not just recipes, but the stories behind the recipes: who had come up with them, where’d they’d been served, the quirkly little things associated with the dish.
When I became the editor of an obscure national news magazine in 1986, I hired her to write occasional feature stories, and those too were among the most interesting articles that we ever published.
One in particular was unforgettable: an interview with a black man who’d hijacked a plane to the socialist paradise of Cuba in 1968. He’d been thrown into prison immediately upon his arrival and had spent the next 18 years of his life in that miserable hellhole. Eventually, he was able to get himself repatriated and was slapped with a 25-year sentence, despite assurances from federal agents that he would be given credit for the time served in Cuba.
Already in her mid-sixties, my mother drove to Talladega Federal Prison by herself to interview a hijacker one on one. As a result of that interview, and the personal interventions she made on his behalf, the man’s sentence was reduced to five years and Raymond Johnson got 20 years of his life back.
Raymond may be the only person on earth who ever really loved my mother. And he did, too. When he got out, he came to visit and thank her in person, and they kept in touch for many years after.
That was not an anomaly. That’s how my mother was - intrepid, always ready to stand up for the underdog.
My mother entered a nursing home just weeks before Katrina. When she was evacuated, I knew she would eventually wind up with me in St. Louis. I wasn’t looking forward to it, but I knew it was inevitable.
I hadn’t spoken to her in over a year, hadn’t seen her in two. The last time I’d talked to her on the phone, she’d started in, as she often did, saying unimaginably disgusting things about my long-dead father. I hung up on her. A few days later, I received a note from her, apologizing and insisting that she didn’t know why she’d said those things. I threw it in the trash. I’d had enough.
The year she spent in St. Louis before her death was one of the worst of my life, and a great blessing. Had she not wound up here, I might never have seen or spoken to her again, and all the pain and recrimination might never have been purged.
It’s all gone now.
I’m sorry my mother wasn’t a better mother, and I’m sorry her son wasn’t a better son, but I do have fond memories - of her pathological frugality, her macabre wit, her immediate and abiding identification with the underdog, her contempt for phonies, and so much more, all of which I’ve inherited and am striving to pass on to my own children.
My mother had her faults but she was a remarkable woman, and I’m determined to remember only the good things.
I hope, when my time comes, that my children will forgive my faults as well.
I feel my mothering was deficient not because I was mean or rejecting. I worked hard to not be like that. However, growing up with a mother like this I suffered from low self esteem and lots of fear of rejection by other women. So.... my girls as women are suffering. They deny it but I m ready to have the healing painful talks. I NEVER wanted that for them. However they ARE independent and strong which I never was.
I'm witnessing you with compassion. All parents fail their children in some way. You're right, they developed qualities that serve them well. They will grow, and you can support them and talk to them through it.
You have a soft and gentle soul. Your energy and powerful words spoke right to me. Would you adopt me or be my mentor 😊❤
I'm here for you! And cheering you on. Thank you for being here and watching.
Tysm Terry. I have suffered in silence for decades. Hearing you is so healing.
After doing an inventory on my relationships I have found that majority are the same as my family connection. This is a very enlightening video. Thank you for clarifying. I only wish this had been communicated to me when I was a teenager.
Hi Terri, I’m so grateful for having found your channel. Thanks for this wonderful video. You’re so clear, concise, so loving and reassuring. I’m on the healing path and every single word resonated within me... yes, the natural “re mothering” with older women happened to me - and it helped me so much. From as early as 18 too. I simply loved the ending: we heal the world by healing ourselves. I’m going to share this video with my siblings right now! Much love to you.
It is so true when you speak about the fact having a mean mother is like a " taboo subject".
It is so hard to understand when you do not have this esperience!
Luckily when you are on your path for healing you do not need to speak about that anymore.
Awareness trasform all the accumulated negative energy and we are ready for what next in our lives with a sore but still open heart.
At this point I consider myself a Survivor .
Thank you Terry for this video!
Love you so much🥰
Terri, thanks so much. I'm 61 been struggling all my life with this though never knew there was a name for it. Have tried for years to have a decent relationship with parents who from day one showed clear preference for younger brother and locked me out of their lives.still, I accepted and deferred , took the crumbs and ignored their blatant preference for sibling who loathes me, though all his life he's been favoured so I don't know why irk him so much. He can't seem to share them for very short periods, infrequent visits. Tried umpteen times to communicate my feelings, never listen, made any changes to improve communication. They sidestep me to see my grown kids and everyone just breezes past me as if I'm not there. Oh yes, you betcha, married a man like mother ( cold, mean neither showed nor wanted to receive love, caring for anyone but himself) for 22 years yet always cam eup smelling like roses.
I live very far away but made an effort recently to help them with a major home downsize. Came at great expense from overseas, took several weeks off from work., However, despite all my efforts and hard work to assist them they basically dispensed with me and declined and rejected all my well intended efforts. Decided to go no contact as I could not take being Cinderella any more. Seems they too are happy with that. No interest in me. This is not how I envisioned things would be in their remaining years. May never see them again, certainly no plans to go back fo rmore shabby treatment, but then anyway it's so draining when we do and brother and s-i-l who claim I do not even exist, treat me so poorly with mother's endorsement and my father is helpless enabler. I'm done but it sure hurts especially when nobody would ever believe this and taunt ME for not being nice to brother .They have no idea how he tormented me in life and how much this probably impacted poor choice with men. Even my kids engage with him and his kids despite yes knowing the toxic dynamics. It is so humiliating!
My heart feels so fluffy hearing this x thanxxx terri mumma mentor x love n light
I would say both of my parents were emotionally sick.
It was my grandma for me. My mom was disabled and grandma stepped up to help raise us. I never thought that at 41 I would be looking up self help videos. I survived by reading Psalms. I am an over comer. She did apologize to me. She said she wanted to get her bluff in so that I wouldn't do certain things. It's too bad that she didn't see that I was already a good kid.
Witnessing your growth with so much compassion ❤️
Thank you so much for these videos! You have helped me so much to learn and process from the harmful effects of a narcissistic mother. You are so insightful I’m so thankful I found you. Bless you!
You are very welcome! I am so glad you are finding it useful. I'm glad you're here, Anne.
Just found your channel today and have been binge watching...Wish it would have come sooner at my 49 years of age and not without ample struggle.
You are spot on and easy to process (and not too hard on the eyes) Lol...
Thank you for sharing this potentially life changing knowledge.