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Parenting with Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
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- Опубликовано: 1 апр 2007
- Learn about NVC Academy programs:
nvcacademy.com/...
CNVC Certified NVC Trainer Inbal Kashtan discusses and demonstrates how to work with the incessant "no" from a child.
AMAZING!!! Can you imagine if THIS is how we were all raised???!!
Becoming conscious of hurtful patterns and being willing to change those patterns is the greatest gift we can give children"
Rest in peace, Inbal. Thank you for everything you've done.
+DeeAreDee Yes. I am so appreciative of her contributions!
This lady hit it right on the head. So glad there are others thinking out there in the interests of humanity, and communication and functioning more holistically.
it's beautiful.
Wow, what a beautiful exchange. I felt a lot of love in my heart because my need for understanding and to experience compassion was met.
I understand your need for truth. Life gets confusing and it's hard to trust that anyone really cares about you. I also share your need for trust and honesty. I know that when I am scared or threatened I find it hard to always tell the truth. I have a hope that there will be a world someday that gives us a safe place to be real with each other without the fear of recrimination.
2022, my pre teens are like, (upset shouty voice): "I just want a life without all these chores and control!..." Seriously, I think this is why humour is actually a gift, a very clever gift.
that's the idea. it is called communication, teaching the child to communicate his or her feelings allows many wonderful possibilities in the child's life. do you remember what it was like to be a child and no one cared about your hurtful heart? thank goodness adults are realizing the importance of respecting these precious creatures. children deserve to be respected, how else can they learn what respect is. blessings to you~
Just back from a retreat with Inbal. I value the passion and insights that Inbal shares with the world.
Rick
wow. this is full of insightful considerations. this video supplies my need for understanding that I seek to obtain in my relationship with my children. Thank you very much.
Always will be grateful for your teachings, Inbal. Fun to watch this video and how quickly you model NVC. How many times I have heard, Why isn't NVC taught to children? Inbal is helping children and parents to have a more enriched lif.
This video is so touching! And can I say I love inbal's voice, i it's warm and comforting. If I were upset i'd want her talking to me.
if we love and respect our children then we will want to connect with them on a deeper level. yes, they come from us, however, they are not us and they too have their own ideas and needs in this life, yes, even as small children. respecting their ideas and their needs allows them to feel and know they are loved. no where in this video is it said to not create boundaries, quite the contrary. she is creating boundaries, from a healthy loving place. blessings on your journey~
I think this is pretty good info. I know when I was a teen I hated being sat down and talked to by my parents. I'd pick up my clothes off of the floor just as a way to not have to hear them talking to me about whether or not I'm frustrated.
We're defining needs as a universal quality that all people possess. We define a strategy as the way we get the need met. So, as you pointed out, using negative attention fulfills the need for attention in some way, it makes negative attention a strategy to meet the need for attention. Even if attention is a need, it is also a strategy to get other, often deeper needs met like acknowledgment, love and belonging. That's what Inbal was wanting to point out.
Wow! Talk about getting down to the core of what's happening and how everything is about meeting basic needs! I love this! Especially the part about where you hold your child - if you think of them as defiant and obstinate - that's what you'll get!
“Judgments are self-fulfilling prophecies.” ~ Marshall Rosenberg
time is always in the way of our quality of life isn't it? the good news is we don't have to let it be. in the video she was elaborating - I feel you though. I've been teaching myself to be present with what is, if I'm doing the dishes, walking, showering, etc. it has helped me a great deal with my over all stress levels and how I interact with others. I am a work in progress and I am thankful. blessings~
I hope you find your life moving in a positive direction soon. you are worthy of love you know, we all are.
dear timmyzeus,
can you imagine that in time people who relate to one another on this level develop a kind of shorthand nvc communication? that has been my experience with nvc.
nina
This was a great lesson. It completely hits home for me and I'll definitely be using your advice! Thanks.
What an invaluable resource! My husband particularly connected with this so thank you - more please!
There are written materials on NVC and parenting at nonviolentcommunication dot com.
Inbal Kashtan, the trainer in this video, can be reached at baynvc dot org.
The NVC Academy has a program called NVC Live! that has regular training segments on NVC, some of which are on parenting, at nvctraining dot com.
It's always good to see good videos...
We use these definitions as a way of working with needs and strategies and to help us navigate our way down to the deeper needs that often motivate us.
I have nothing further to say. I didn't want to seem rude & not reply at all.
life is far more than meets ones eye... peace on your journey.
love to watch and share this Video so much!
（日本語訳 = Japanese Translation)
子供が本当に機嫌が悪く
全力で協力しないようにしていて
子育てがチャレンジだとしたらどうですか？
あなたが、子供に対して意地を張っているという
イメージを持っていて
あなたを困らせるために
全力で反抗していると捉えている限り
子供とつながるのは難しいでしょう
だから、そんな時こそ
本当に十分共感して欲しいのです
そうすれば、子供と異なる違う形で
コミュニケーションすることに前向きになれます
あなたはそこに痛みがある
あなたが言っていることから推測するに
あなたのニーズが大切にされるということが
根本的に信じられないのではないでしょうか？
そうですか？
いいえ。そんなに頻繁ではないのですが
ただnoと言いたいだけの場合が
あると思います
じゃあ、なぜただnoと言いたくなるのでしょうか
悪さをして注意を引くためです
なぜ？ なぜ悪さをして
注意を引くのでしょう？
私は、それは人間のニーズだとは思いません
だから、もっと深く潜る必要があります
言われたことをやりたくないんでしょう
なぜ？ なぜでしょう？
なぜわざとイライラさせるようなことを
するのでしょう？
反応して欲しいから
じゃあ、なぜ反応して欲しいのでしょう？
世界を試しているんだ
なぜ世界を試しているんでしょう？
そろそろニーズの言葉で言ってください
そのうちにうまくやれるようになるために
学んでいるんだ
じゃあ、ニーズの1つは人として
自分のためと相手のために
この世界で機能するあり方を見つける
ということは、「何に対してもNoと言う」という
手段をとっていたら
すぐに、その方法では調和の中にいることは
できないことに気づくでしょう
それは、自動修正するシステム
かもしれません
「気づいていると思うけど、noと聞くたびに
私は、ますますイライラしているのよ」
noという言葉に反応するのではなく
あなたの満たされていないニーズを
表現する
そうすることで相手が求めていて
必要な学びを手渡すことができる
これは明確かしら？
もっと説明した方がいい？
デモをしてみるわ
服を拾って
クローゼットに入れてくれる？
いやだ、いやだ、いーやーだー
ねぇ、またお願いしているのよ
これは本当に私にとって大切なことなの
嫌だ、嫌だよ
（声色を真似て）またお願いしているのよ
あなたの家にもいる？
二重に楽しいわね
私は、ジャッカル内耳をつけて
私はいい親じゃない、と考えているかもしれないし
相手が野党のように反抗的だ、と考えているかもしれない
そんな言い方があるかは知らないけれど
いい表現ね
ええ
子供は頭をかき乱すために
わざとやっているんだ
イライラさせたいんだ
どう反応するかをみたいに違いない
私の反応を見て楽しむんだ
ADHDの薬が必要、そうね
さて、私がこうした考え方をしたら
すぐに私は、ジャッカルがジャッカル耳をつけている
状態になっていることに気づきます
耳をつける必要もありません
すでについています
一体なんだっていうの
一度くらい言われたことを
やりなさいよ
そうなりますね
だから、私がしたいのは
自分に起こっていることを
本当に表現して
子供に何が起こっているのかを
理解することです
リクエストを聞くと
イライラするのかしら
選びたいのかな？
わからない
わからないのね
あなたとつながりたいの
もう少し推測してもいいかしら？
え？
私には、理解することが
とても大切なの
なぜあなたはnoというの？
本当に知りたいのよ
教えてくれる？
あなたに何が起こっているの？
これは素晴らしい始まりです
私を怒らせようとしている、とは
全く違うメッセージです
わからないよ
今あなたは混乱していて
好奇心も湧いているのかしら？
あなたも理解したいのかしら？
わからないよ
すごく興味が湧いているわ
もうちょっと自分に確認してみるのはどう？
そうだね、OK
私の反応の仕方にも関係があるのかしら？
見てて面白いと思うことはある？
うん（笑）
これは最も意地悪でもひどい人間性でもありません
遊びや楽しみのニーズを
満たしているのかもしれません
それでもいいわ
いいのよ
自分の態度を相手への反応から
変えればいい
そうすればもっと
想定内になる
人がどう他人に反応するのかに
興味があるのかしら？
本当に知りたいのかな？
（うなづく）
まだ興味があるんだけど
あまり選択を体験したことがないのかしら？
そのことにすごく
腹を立てているのかな？
（思いきりうなづく）
信頼を切望しているのかしら？
あなたが自分の時間や体をどう使うか
選択できたらいいと思っている？
（うなづく）
私が何をやっているかわかりますか？
私があなたに何が起こっているのかを
本当に理解している、と感じているのかしら？
うん
私にとってはどうか、を
聴きたいかしら？
再び、ただ感情とニーズ
にフォーカスします
ただ、感情とニーズに
心配しているのかな？
あなたのニーズが今も大切だということを
信頼したい？
うん
何に関しても責められたりしない、
ってことを確かめたい？
私のことをひどい人間だと
思っているんでしょ
悲しいのね
あなたが愛されていることを信じたい？
うん
教えてくれて嬉しいわ
急ぐ必要はありません
何も説得することもありません
ただつながります
相手が私の言葉を聞けるようになるまで
このまま長めにつながります
私たちは子供に向かって
たくさん話しかけています
私たちは子供の話をたくさん
聞いていると考えますが
ある特定のレベルの「聴く」が
まだ生じていません
このレベルの「聴く」だと
本当につながりを作る可能性が高まります
In this case may be we have to be more direct and correct, but what the trainer is explanning is how to connect with our children in the ocassion that we have a chance, especially trying to change our point of view about children´s behaviour or attitude. Let´s think that children are not trying to bother us, but they are calling our attencion.
Awesome advice! There's so much truth in this that I wish this way of thinking was more main-stream! Thanks for sharing. :-)
the point is about our size and how children might feel intimidated by us especially if we think it is okay to hit them in response to their supposed bad behavior. no child is bad just misunderstood...most of us do not take the time to hear them, instead we label them as bad or whatever. I know I miss the mark ALOT & it is my continued desire to be more than what the adults in my childhood were to me. it is as if people grow up and forget what it was like to be a little person with no rights.
We need more high quality example of NVC. I have a beginning of collection. Who else has some?
Yes, in NVC we have a term called "protective use of force," and if a child runs out on the street in front of cars, using restraint to save the child's life is the thing to do. Sometimes making a request or negotiating is superseded by an immediate need for safety. Afterward, I could have a talk with the child and explain what I did and how much protecting his/her safety means to me.
with all due respect, you reducing the point of the video to absurd. it is about a totally different and deeper subject. cheers
it is true. if you believe it to be false then it will be false in your life. our life is a reflection how we behave - if we behave with hate then we will see hate and be hated - if we behave with love and kindness then we will receive love and kindness. I hope you know love soon so you can stop feeling this need to hurt everything outside of yourself and inside of yourself. blessings on your journey...
this is great stuff. thank you for posting.
I love this: Shift your behaviour rather than their reaction.....5.45
A gem! Thanks for sharing this. Do you have anymore on parenting?
Another way to look at escalation is to ask what my motives are. Is my motive is to punish or to protect?
This is amazing. Thank you.
Wonderful!
have you ever encountered a situation where violence was the only option. for example, child says "hey running out in front of cars looks fun", you start to say "no actually it isn't because...", but child decides that he inst interested in your explanations and that instead hes going to do a little experimentation on his own to find out for himself why it may or may not be fun. Thus you would be forced to physically restrain him which is clearly violence.
Inbal is on the money.
how would you like it if a giant came up to you & told you everything you are doing is wrong & when you do not do it his way he harshly punished you & hit you? we are like giants to these children considering our size. they love & adore us & we must meet them in a loving way. how much better would this life be if everyone treated one another with loving kindness? mistakes I have made with my own children & humans in general. thankfully there is grace & forgiveness heals. blessings~
a very cool question. the easiest way to think about these complicated questions is to try to drill down to the principal by eliminating variables. so lets say you are in the grocery store and a man is beating on a woman, do you have the right to intervene? if he keeps assaulting do you have the right to punch him? if he escalates further do you have the right to shoot him? i think the answer is yes, so if this principal extends to individuals it should extend to groups of individuals.
talking to a child with respect is not treating them like an adult.
all living creature deserve to be treated with respect.
just. WOW!
if you respect your child while he or she is growing up then they won't be a teenager that says fuck you and act like a jerk. if you treat your kid with disrespect then you get what you gave. period, end of story. so, either you are looking to get a rise out of people or you are completely mixed up. either way I hope you find peace in your life because what you say is what you are and what you are is important.
I am sorry for your pain.
yes i agree. i dont believe in objective standards of morality so by extension i dont believe in "punishing" people either.
Just out of curiosity, what would happen if nearly everyone in the world decided to adopt and embody NVC, but there still exists a group of individuals that are impossible to communicate with, in that they are hell-bent on destroying anyone who disagrees with them, and actually plan to do so. Basically, as a social philosophy, can NVC ever be used to justify war? Because "protective use of force" sounds exactly like such a justification, admittedly in a much different context.
Everyone says they are only defending themselves or others.
how do you expect to be taken seriously when you be this way? I hope you find a place of peace and power in your life.
it is not about giving over control to the child. of course a child cannot & should not be responsible for things above their understanding. sometimes children are misbehaving because they are confused or upset or they simply need our attention. we live in such a hurried world & if we slow down we can see their needs are not being met & this is why they act up. we must take time to be present truly present. then we see a difference in their behavior.
Sorry for the late reply. I don't understand how you can justify a statement like that. You essentially said that he has a need to see other people beat up since he was. And your only basis was that he agrees with corporal punishment, and disagrees with you.
thank you for the reminder! :)
Im confused. What comment are you referring to?
ive managed to avoid it entirely thus far by just controlling my daughters environment. Even when she starts messing with something that could choke her i dont have to take it from her i just ask nicely and she voluntarily gives it every time. However she is only 1year and 3months so I had a feeling that even the best parent wouldn't be able to avoid it forever. BTW thanks for the great work you are doing it just might be the most important thing in the world, literally.
I would say treat them as an adult to the extent of their capability. This comment was referring to the idea that parents should demean their child for being "stupid" or making mistakes. If a child makes an outrageous claim, challenge him/her on it, but don't call them names, teach them to defend arguments and thought.
I agree all living creatures deserve some respect, but not all at an equal level. I do not respect my hairdresser as much as I respect Hawkins. And I like the taste of cows.
my hope for you is a peaceful heart filled with love.
❤️
😍
I've had close experiences where the parent has that perspective, and seems to be really profoundly blind to the needs of the child and their own suffering. When the kid is desperately begging for help with a serious issue and is deeply suffering, how could a person think the kid just wants to "make life hard" ? What a shallow and cruel dismissal of a human being. And it's always the parents I see doing the worst of it. They are blinded by their own suffering to a point of being detached from reality and unable to see their own kid as a human with needs.
Inbal Kashtan does not seem to be very experienced (although the group seems to be a difficult one, interrupting one-another and being far from understanding needs), but it might be a wrong impression. Reading and talking about NVC changed my life, but because I work with children I am very interested into deepening my knowledge. Are there any NVC parenting workshops through europe?
The reality I am referring to is that some people will react harshly to other peoples inconsiderate nature. My dad stood up for my mom, I can not fault him for that and neither should you. What I was trying to point out is that my dad didn't beat me senseless. He simply established that he was not going to sit back and let me get away with my unjustifiable aggression.
This is how I was raised, I think I could make improvements on it, but I don't think it was a horrible method.
Negotiating with children & teens allows them to continually move the goal posts of the desired outcome to frustrate your goals & serve their selfish interests & evade responsibility. The prompt application of the front of your hand to the rear of the recalcitrants backside results in cooperation. Hard learners sometimes require multiple applications. This reinforces the idea that selfish & self defeating actions have consequences in the real world.
*chuckles*
What if the child just says that he isn`t doing it because he simply doesn`t want to do it?
Hi Jo, I look past the words and ask what beautiful human quality is motivating those words. It could be the child is just being playful, or wants to be able to make their own choice. It could the child wants to be seen and heard, or is remembering a related past event and is afraid of experiencing pain again. The principle is we're always trying to fulfill a need with all our actions, even when we say it's nothing.
puppets!
Greed can be translated to a need...
I can respect you and your method. Maybe I am hearing what I want to here, but what I understand is that you believe in using psychology to raise your kids and work with people. But you understand that theory of communication does not apply equally in all situations, but should be adapted to fit.
This type of communication gets to the needs of both the child and the parent. When you got a whopping, your parents needs for control were met. I can hear that some of your needs for were not met and now it comes out in anger for children who are not whopped and hurt the way you were.
So I know for me that when I get angry it is a message that I have a need that is not being met or perhaps not even acknowledged. I suspect you have a need for equality - just a guess.
I like this in theory, but I'd like to with a real child 😃 Back to the search
lol "i wonder by the way i react, is it something fun to watch??" lol.
Only fun if your parents are frustrated and angry but unable to pull the switch and actually punish you. I still think a healthy level of corporate punishment is good. But it must be combined with nonagressive connecting conversations.
Good video all in all
ROFL
I wish she would speak in a lower register... ugh.
hello all im only 1 min in so far but I hear major alarm bells ringing strong in reguards to that lady manifesting her presumption of negative intent.if that lady ever lernt about the law of attraction(the law in witch all existence operated based in conscious thought)she would know what a master of law of attraction she is to create exactly what she is in the loop of saying to her self.if any one is interested look up BASHAR OR ABRAHAM HICKS.MY DEEPEST LOVE TO YOU ALL NAMESTE MELISSA.
melissa o'callaghan you're batshit crazy.... I'm sorry, that wasn't in line with NVC... ummmm... Your beliefs are false.
Is that better?
ThoseWhoStayUofM I think Melissa was referring to the parent describing her daughter's behaviour rather than Inbal
lee mag To be honest, it really doesn't matter what she was referring to. What she says clearly applies to nothing, anywhere.
again, these are innocent children we are talking about not teenagers.
With respect to the comment about the kid who tells people to fuck off. I was occasionally given corporal punishments for my more severe offenses and I told my mom on one occasion in my entire life, to fuck off. Two of my friends in high school had parents who did not believe in corporal punishment. I have witnessed both of them tell their parents to fuck off multiple times.
It's not a real kid, it's easy to make a fake conversion. Each time I talk to myself about a raise, I get it - with my real boss not that much.
The reason I would do this, is so when my child (purely fictional by the way lol) goes into the society, he will realizes that a similar consequence will happen if he does that to someone else. My dad did not spank or hit me often. But one time, I slammed the door on my mom, told her to fuck off and I was being very aggressive. My dad came into the room and pushed me down to the floor. Then he yelled at me, he didn't even need to hit me, but It was enough to snap me back to reality.
my dad spanked me once and threw me to the floor - I still have nightmares about it - and as a result I tried commit suicide at age 10 - do NOT underestimate what you do to a child when you resort to violence verbal/emotional or physical - he later in my 30s apologized to me - but the damage was done and to this day I carry around the abusive father inside - even though I love my father for having the courage to admit he made a HUGE mistake - as a result I have gravitated to people who have abused me - even to the point of physical damage - domestic violence - broken bones - Im speaking out because many are ashamed - again - DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE WHAT VIOLENCE TO A CHILD OR ANYONE CAN DO
Ok, she has some great info in here. But the puppets are just too much. :)
Now enough with the anecdotal since all they do is display emotion with little valuable evidence attached.
I realize that you are very Utopian in nature, but I would not prepare my kids for what life could be but rather what it is.
And I agree that you should speak with your children like their adults and like you expect them to act like ones. I don't think it is realistic, but I think demeaning a child intellect is child abuse since it stunts their ability permanently.
you are not making any sense - you use the word liberal over and over and it has nothing to do with this conversation other than the fact you keep using it. this is not a political discussion and if it were you would deem yourself unworthy because you choose to be insulting. work out your anger please, life is too short to spend it being upset.
I don not believe that this woman has much experience with teenagers
Don't bring the modern world into this argument, as if it is relevant. 100 years ago, corporal punishment was the norm for everything, and they didn't have the hurried world we do. I think if anything, our hurried world has improved the life of children.
Children act up for many reasons. To describe all these reasons as a need is to mute the meaning of the word need. I would say they act up (I certainly did) from greed.
You shouldn't try to connect with your kid when they're being naughty, you should just draw a line. Other times are for connecting and discussing your kids ideas. And yes, of course you should try and meet their needs, but are they really the best people to judge what they need? You can't always get what you want.
wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong!!! do it because I said so!! it's not about what the kid wants, kids need to learn boundaries and respect else they'll never learn to stand on their own two feet.
you CAN'T be friends with your kids - it will mess them up!!
ok I am on the assumption that this post was a reply to me, so all things I say are based off that assumption.
First, Straw man augment much. You totally miscomprehended or misrepresented what I had said in my post. You then exaggerated it to the point where even I would declare that as child abuse. What I said was a healthy level, I don't know many people who would define that as beating your kid whenever he doesn't do something your way. Nor, would I condone telling your kid that everything
I am not saying you should not strive for improvement. I just think you concept of improvement is too idealistic. I think your idea that no child is bad is fallacious and I would dare you to support that with statistics. I will disprove it with one incident. In my hometown (2300 people) a girl of the age of 12, had a boyfriend who was 21 and she convinced her boyfriend to help her kill her parents and her little brother. Isn't she just a innocent angel.