How Not to Be a Doormat
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- Опубликовано: 10 сен 2024
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We sure have doormats in Finland and we even have these "rappuralli" (step rally) which has metal edges to wipe ice blocks off of your shoes and on the other end there's like a street brush for brushing off snow. I think that's like the next evolution of a doormat
Oh yeah! I have seen those!
You CAN say, "I'm always right!", if you ARE in fact always right. I speak from experience.
Of course. You're the exception.
I cannot imagine The Real Dragon ever acting like a doormat.
His 'philosophy of action' (as presented in "Three Philosophies
and
One Reality") is the perfect grounding for not being a doormat. To act & react, yet in a balanced manner.
I used to do this when my kids were being impossible - do something to make them laugh, or threaten them with something absurd - like “I’m gonna take you to Walmart.”
An anecdote from the record of Ryokan, one of my historical mentors:
Ryokan had uncombed hair and an unshaven face, walked barefoot and wore a torn robe. He would go into people s kitchens and beg food. Once when he visited a house, something valuable was stolen. People in the house thought Ryokan was the thief, escaped from the local prison. They summoned the villagers by blowing a conch shell and hitting a wooden board. The villagers bound him with a rope and tried to bury him alive. But Ryokan did not say a word, letting them do what they wanted.
Before they threw him into a hole, someone who knew Ryokan noticed them and said, "What are you doing? This is the famous Zen master Ryokan. Untie the rope right away and apologize to him." Astonished, the villagers did so.
The person who rescued him said, "Why didn't you say that it was a false accusation?"
Ryokan said, "All the villagers suspected me. Even if I had explained, that wouldn't have removed their suspicion. There is nothing better than saying nothing."
A quote from Martin Luther King, Jr., one of my historical mentors:
"Another way that you love your enemy is this: When the opportunity presents itself for you to defeat your enemy, that is the time which you must not do it."
The wisdom of these anecdotes is clear to me, and yet I struggle to put them into practice. They do not jive with the current ideal of "fighting for justice." There are moments when I understand that I or one of my loved ones is being treated unfairly. I see the "rightness" in the situation, and I attach to it and fight for it. I understand, however, that in the fight, I am perpetuating conflict. In seeking to save face, or advocate for the "correct" stance in a situation, I look for ways to mark out an advantage over another, to put myself above them, which is a mirror of what I feel they are doing to me. I recognize that this is not the path to a peaceful solution, but only to getting a leg up on the competition, which only perpetuates the conflict.
Dogen Zenji, from the Shobogenzo Zuimonki (tr. Shohaku Okumura):
"Even when we speak rationally while another person says unreasonable things, it is wrong to defeat the person by arguing logically. On the other hand, it is not good to give up hastily saying that we were wrong, even if we think that we are actually correct. Neither defeat the person nor withdraw by saying we were wrong. It is best to just leave the matter alone and stop arguing. When we act as if we have not heard, and forget about the matter, the person will forget too, and will not get angry. This is the most important point to keep in mind."
May all beings be happy, even those whose values do not align with my own. This is the hard work.
Also, depending on your web host, you should be able to add https for free. This will prevent that annoying warning about your site not being secure. Consult your webmaster, or feel free to reach out.
I think this is particularly important for women
Although I can see how Nishijima Roshi's practice of balancing the sympathetic & parasympathetic ANS (autonomic nervous systems) makes sense, I've also found myself making the most spiritual progress by leaning into the parasympathetic state. Letting go of desire is easiest to do when I'm in that 'frame of being.'
Acceptance is a Buddhist practice, yet when interacting with others, it can produce a 'doormat-like' response.
My guess is that the parasympathetic/accepting mindset is invaluable for overcoming one's own selfish-self, and thus seeing beyond Samsara. But in dealing with the real-world (interacting within Samsara) Nishijima's balanced approach is superior. Maybe balance has to do with the reintegration, needed to "Return to the Marketplace" as depicted in the Ox-Herding Pictures?
Now I know Nishijima Roshi was not a big believer in the traditional interpretation of the Third Noble Truth (fading away desire leads to ending of duhkha). Which he replaced with “a dialectic synthesis; a negation of idealism and materialism”: his view of ‘realism.’ Which in turn leads to ‘reality itself’ manifested in the practice of zazen (the means of balancing). I’m just not up to reconciling the traditional interpretation with the Real Dragon’s interpretation. Again my guess would be that zazen (as a training method) serves the traditional purpose until one extinguishes dukkha, and then zazen (as a regular practice) serves to balance oneself to carry this wisdom into the real-world?
In Québec we have doormats and also usually take off our shoes upon entering a house.
On "In Living Color," Homey D. Clown also said, "I don't think so."
"I don't think so" is definitely a good one. I also like "I would prefer not to"!
I’ve had a few situations where I’ve stopped myself saying something to my wife when arguing. Seeing where it will take the argument…also not saying something to certain people when I’m worried or stressed about something. It’s not always easy and each situation is different. I tend to find being distracted and tired don’t help in this regard!
Thank you for your answer.
You don't have to pay the scam companies money to stop the "This site is not secure" warnings! There is a free way: it's called "let's encrypt" and it's run by a nonprofit and it's free for everybody.
In Italian "zerbino" (i.e. "doormat") is used as a slur with a similar meaning, just mostly restricted to males who behave like doormats to women they fancy ore are engaged with.
As for the rest, what I've always loved about the internet is that in order to end an argument, you can just... end. Stop answering and it's done. It's a pity so many people just cannot take advantage of such a feature
"The nice people zen center" is an issue here. What I don't like is that it leads to passive aggressiveness. I've seen this in a few places. Viva Ziggy!
Sounds like how to derail a conversation when it becomes pointless. Distraction is an effective tool.
Welcome to Finland, unfortunately I can't be trusted to be around people so I can't attend.
Im off to Japan in the 30th...to Osaka...Hopefully can sit with Muho.
Good luck!
Europe is great 😃
I heard that at your European appearances you simply set up a big monitor and play your RUclips videos. Then, after you’ve played four or five, you set out a donation jar and hit people up for more money.
He puts the donation jar out first.
I do not do anything like that!
@@HardcoreZen some-one is engaging in "hybrid warfare" against you ! you might see more of this
@@HardcoreZen I confess…. I made that up. The devil made me do it. Or Mara.
What if you get to the frontline and don’t pop off? 🥲